To further expound on your comment at some point because no one is perfect right we all need forgiveness but for a toxic parent forgiveness is used as a weapon.
@@zero1188nah, you sound like someone who doesn't have kids or doesn't have teen kids. Some children simply choose to be rude despite having been loved.
children are NOT a retirement plan. get you some long term care insurance so that a nurse can come take care of you in the facility you need when you retire. do not put that financial and emotional burden on your children.
You wouldn't believe how often the tradwife cult who shame women who choose to be child free about this. They tell on themselves, they only want children so they have someone to care for them in old age! Smh, as if every child will care for their parents in old age, these girls need more life experiences before they come onto the internet and start giving ill advise.
This is one of the many reasons I think having children is inherently selfish… ppl always say they want children so they have someone to take care of them when they’re old
This is such a strange thing to say. All of our relationships we maintain because we get something out of it. We are all selfish in a way that’s how the world works. To expect nursing facilities to take care of you in old age speaks of a person who is young and disconnected. You have family in general that you love and care for but for some reason the line is drawn when you have kids? You want everyone to be childless if they have any desire to have family to care for them when they’re older? Lol I think y’all just say anything when you get on this internet.
@@DiLaviit is inherently selfish and so are majority of things in life. It’s how we are all still here, self preservation. Do you say the same to people who desire friends and spouses? No.. all our relationships are reciprocal, in one way are another.
If you were a good mother or father to your children, hopefully they’ll naturally want to take care of you in old age. It’s the sense of entitlement that bothers me. There are many parents who KNOW they were (and maybe still are) shitty parents, yet feel like their kids OWE THEM love, care and compassion. Many parents forget, THEY chose to have kids. Their kids never asked to be born in the first place.
I’m 28 and recently realized that the reason I show little to no interest in other people is not because I’m callus and uncaring, because I’m not. It’s because that’s how I was treated as a kid. I wasn’t talked to but was talked at. Nobody asked me about myself, which is why I find it strange when people do because it’s not normal for me. I’ve been working on these things lately and staying aware of this.
I disagree, that's not the reason. YOU choose the Kind of person, YOU want to be, once you become an Adult! Even though it was "normal" for you....As a kid You knew it wasn't Right to be treated that way and instead of doing what's Right, You CHOSE to treat others, the same way your parent(s) treated you.
@velvetrose7729 old habits die young. When your self concept has been embedded in you as a child to feel, act and think a certain way, it becomes difficult to make those necessary changes in adulthood. The real process is to seek reflection, healing and reparenting oneself in a gentle & loving way.
Most people have STOCKHOLM syndrome with their parents. Simply defending them and “forgiving them” because they have your blood. Nahhh. Blood don’t mean anything to me, what matters are actions, respect and kindness.
I hate how people act like it's a good thing when people still have a relationship with their abusive parents. Like no, run!!! Don't put up with people who treat you like trash and needed 18 years to realise you're a person.
@@umhi9778Exactly, its old thinking like that that makes parents think they can abuse their kids without consequences. Children remember everything, especially is unjustified. I remember every single beating I ever got that was unwarranted. Fukkkk thattttt, nahhhh BLOOD IS NOTHING is you don't treat it like gold.
I often feel like I was partially brainwashed as a kid to be supportive of my mom, and now I’ve had to set my own personal boundaries, and it’s really difficult. I have to actively stop myself from doing what she asks when she’s taking things too far. She now tries to understand and respect my boundaries, but sometimes she still seems put off when I tell her “No” ‘Cause when I was a kid being assertive with her was not allowed, but now as I’ve learned it’s beneficial for me to tell her no, she’s had to learn respecting my boundaries is respecting me. But damn, even as an adult that preprogramming is hard to shake.
OH MY GOSH!! I literally say this. Like Stockholm syndrome for children to their mother has to be considered a real thing. Not everyone would even associate with their parents if they weren't their parents. Literally a person you can't escape and you NEED them for at least 18 years and everyone says that you have to love them no matter what, but why? A parent could abuse you and treat you just as bad as your enemy, yet I'm supposed to love them just because we're related. My face, out of it. Love should be earned, not just given.
This! YEP! Youngest and was treated horribly yet my older brother and sister were a King and a Queen. UGH! Guess who didn't show up when my dad had cancer and was dying? And my mom acting martyr to his cancer? Reap what you sow.
Do you really have too? Not being snarky asking as someone who was threatened that I had to take care of my parents. I left at 18 and set boundaries. @@rjlondon5801
Omg, that girl talking about parents weaponizing the concept of forgiveness! My mom will say I need to let go of past behavior when I get upset, and I’m here like, “Bish! The “past” you’re talking about was this past week! Stop acting like I’m bringing up the lost actions of yesteryear and acknowledge you need to quit doing the thing!”
When the people urging you to "forgive and forget" are the people who would benefit the most from you doing that, you should probably hold on and remember until they stop saying that.
The girl that disagreed really doesn’t realize she actually agrees 😂 she said her parents were good to her as a child but she was just a rebellious teen. Shows why she now cares about them no matter what. It’s literally the same way they treated her lol
Exactly what I thought too, like you love your mom cuz she fulfilled your needs, but not every child gets that from their parents. She's kinda blessed that she didn't understand the question lol
She did mention not having a great relationship with her mom, and to me the "rebellious teen" part sounded a lot like an attempt to absolve her parents of their bad or abusive behavior. Unfortunately it's a common place that childhood trauma survivors get stuck in, either because of pressure from other family members to "forgive and forget", culture, religion, or lack of awareness about their trauma. They don't want to admit anything was wrong with their parents' behavior (because children don't default to blaming parents, they default to blaming themselves), so they bring up excuses about why their parents "had" to act this way. To be fair, I can't speak for her because I don't know her situation, but I recognized the behavior and body language immediately because I also have been in this phase.
My narcissistic and emotionally immature parents are old now and wonder why I blocked them. Not my monkeys, not my circus. I treat them the way they treat me, by ignoring and giving the bare minimum.
@@SasaSasa-wy9wudon't vist let him suffer like he did u . I work as a CNA in the nursing home and the children that try to forgive usually get financially spiritually and mentally drained.
then they become martyrs and tell sob stories how they kids are so cruel they abandoned their parent... I mean... they did their best!! :O yes did their best to revenge their suffering to someone who happened to be around!
My mother whipped me with wrapped switches right out of the bath tube. She would taunt us while we were in the bath tube saying stuff like “staying in there longer ain’t gonna change what’s gonna happened when you get out”. She would even bam on the door to tell us to hurry. I had to wear long sleeve shirts and pants to cover all the lashes on my body. Sometimes I would bleed through my clothes. I thought this was normal until I got older 😢. Once we got bigger, she just stayed away and worked all the time. Never took us anywhere. She old and sickly now. I can’t maintain relationships. I was also a fatherless child as well. I ignored both of my parents now and I’ll never have children bc I don’t have confidence that I could properly raise a child with my trauma. I just focus on being kind, working hard, taking care of myself, and loving me cause I don’t trust people.
My mother did this to my older sister and my abusive step father also encouraged my mother to do this to me. My mother put me in the hospital the same night. So, when I say I have so much compassion for you, I really do. People can be so evil.
I can relate to this a lot. Thankfully, mine only happened a few times fresh out of the shower. Whipping someone with wet skin is straight torture. Then it creates so much anxiety for showering, which should be relaxing. EMDR and IFS therapies helped me the most. I really wish you the most peace and healing possible for the rest of your life. 💜💜💜
@@Megs658 If you're mother treated you terrible just know that it was never love. Mother's are supposed to love and protect and guide their children and not to bring them up to anger or act petty. It's perfectly fine if you don't feel sorry for your moms passing. When my own mother passes away I will not feel anything because she didn't create any good memories with me only many bad ones. I send you a virtual hug ❤
@@VidWatcher01 id argue you can love someone while hurting them peoples feelings cant always and often dont translate into corresponding actions when someones perception of the world is warped. That said i dont think loving someone is or should be a shield from responsibility
EVERY time? Since a lot of people do not know what the word "love" means now days? Love is ALWAYS good and pure and it is literally THE OPPOSITE of evil/aka harming anybody., Please know what words mean before you try to comment! What you are talking about is fake love, or loosing it. But if you love your kids then you would NEVER harm them.
I know alot of you on here don't realize you're emotionally stunted and don't respect the all the trauma black people go through to become who they are even you. Yall are a weird bunch of point the finger and I am not accountable or understanding of other black women. Karma is real for all of us time will show you.
I would see people be jerks towards their children, nieces, nephews and i would always say " what are they going to do when the day comes when the children grow up and realize they don't have to put up with their crap?"
@@Yinyara There's a lot of in-between, though. My mother really tried to treat us differently than her parents did to her, and she managed to solve some of the trauma, but not all of it. Most of it, actually, she still isn't aware she has. So she's been both good and loving, and manipulative and overbearing. It's a real struggle for me. I see everything she did right even when it cost her a lot, and what she still did horribly wrong. How she refused to treat us like her parents treated her, but still reproduced some of the abuse. I'm also trying to break the cycle, but I'm still an anxious, depressive mess. I respect my daughter and treat her as a whole independent person, but she still has to grow up with an exhausted, often sad, often overwhelmed, often anxious mom. It's like every generation you get the chance to heal 50% of the trauma and then your kid still inherits what's left.
This is a fact. My brother and I do not question or hesitate to spend money on our mother. When we have, she has. We're a team. But that's because SHE made it that way. We don't always get along but that's our girl. She recently went through heart surgery again and we're getting her back healthy and strong. We only know how to give what she gave us. My mom is my baby because she treated me like her baby. Simple. Don't have to be rich, don't have to spoil them. Just instill the right things and lead by example.
I failed miserably financially raising my son! So many people chastised me for that and often told me I was too childish and friendly to him. He did without a lot when he was growing up, a lot of opportunities for activities because we couldn't afford it. It took a toll on his confidence and his peer relationships. But the irony is, now grown, he spoils me rotten! He will give me anything I ask for! (I don't exploit that, just pointing out his attitude towards me). We still hang out and do things together! We can sit and talk for hours! I find that people are actually mad that he doesn't hate me! We didn't have money, but that friendship everyone thought i should not be having, ha! I have always acknowledged and respected his feelings and opinions. I always wanted him to know that what he felt mattered. I asked for his opinions, etc.. We have an actual relationship, we love each other, we actually like each other! I am always grateful for his understanding and loyalty.
This! It don't take money to raise a kid right or to build a relationship with your kid. It's not bad to have money or pursue money, but it don't buy your kids love.
@@emilyann4549 money is important for the nervous system actually. Financial trauma is definitely a real thing and it’s very common. It can give you anxiety and even ptsd. For example having to move a lot, not having food, not having fitting clothes or being able to do laundry, the list goes on. If you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs you’ll see physiological and safety needs in our current society all need money (except for air). Shelter, warmth, water, food, consistency, health, resources, etc. Love is actually third on that pyramid of needs and love is not enough for any relationship or to stay alive. We are animals before all else. Psychologically we focus on what we need to survive if we don’t have it. And it will make you go crazy very quickly. I’ve starved for weeks and i promise you I didn’t give a damn about love during those times. you can’t even think about anything but food. I doubt this mom was purely destitute but money is very important and please don’t imply people should just have a child bc they want to regardless of the financial situation. No shade to this mom at all. She sounds great.
"I have alway acknowledged and respected his feelings an opinions." This right here is why he loves you and why you have a great relationship to this day.
Then they become so nice n friendly as they get old and it’s not bc they realize ur a beautiful child but that they’re getting old n sick n need the help.
@@sighidk786people are supposed to mature long before they start getting grey hair. It may be that getting old changed her outlook on life somewhat, but from what I've seen it's mostly manipulation tactics (conscious or unconscious) to not be alone and have a caretaker, and to feel that they did accomplish something in their lives after all. Don't fall for it, remember that actions speak louder than words.
For the young woman who disagreed: that’s how you feel. Maybe you were a spoiled, immature brat at the time; and now you’ve grown enough to own your shortcomings. Good on you, sounds like you have great parents and of course you’ll be there for them. But, for the majority of us who were abused emotionally, physically, etc., naw, those parents know what they did. They just don’t want to admit; and do the HARD work in recovering themselves in order to recover their children. Lord, have mercy. The sins of the parents unto the 3rd and 4th generations.
Right. I think she kind of misunderstood the conversation. She had a TOUGH mother, not a bad and/or neglectful mother. What she had to say was definitely valuable in its own way; it just doesn't apply here.
The fact she said “let’s just say…” tells me everything. This is someone who isn’t speaking from this lived experience. So how can you say this isn’t so? 🧐
I raise my daughter with the golden rule and treat and respect my daughter as I expect her to do me. Whenever I see people being disrespectful to their kids, I ALWAYS think that's gonna be the person moping at christmas in 20 years.
@@StephieGsrEvolution How do you know she did? I said I did and no one believed me because my child abuses me and uses me and ghost me. A therapist will even say that good parent do get abused by narc children and sometimes it is not their fault.
As an only child with two parents who experienced extensive trauma, they put on a great front by providing, and not much more. In my home, negative emotions and different opinions were not tolerated, and big issues were ignored and swept under the rug. To the outside world, especially my dysfunctional extended family, it looks like I had an ideal upbringing, and that comes with its own isolation. Ugh.
I relate, and my parents refused to teach me anything about the real world, but took every single opportunity to make me feel like lazy 💩 for not having skills and being provided for. I got all sorts of verbal abuse just for trying to learn how to drive. At 20 years old!
I told my mom and her husband “I’m going to take care of you the same way you raised me”! They both said “No”. I knew they knew everything they denied in that moment and fell back.
My mother used to say that if I hung out with certain people, it would reflect poorly on me. Wonder if she has realized yet, that going no contact with her was because I paid attention to that lesson. I mean, really? Why would I want to be around someone who treated their small child so poorly, they would pray to die in their sleep?
Something similar happened with my where my mom hammered into me when I was younger that everyone has an ulterior motive and with how much backpedalling shes done at this point its hard for me to believe and apology from her no natter how genuine it actually is. Im working on it because my parents have told me they realize they shouldnt have let their frustration spill onto me when i was younger but theres definitely a learning curve to get from everyone has ulterior motives to i recognize you are remorseful for your actions
Exactly, that creates for an adverse childhood that later translates into things like anxiety, fears, addiction, mental and/or emotional instability. Let's not glamorize or normalize bringing kids into such conditions in this day and age where people have resources to learn and do better even easier than before.
100% agree. "You never asked me how I felt" sums up my childhood. Physically I had everything I needed, but my mother had no interest in knowing who I was or what I thought or felt about anything. Now she's in her 70s and gets upset because we're not close like her friends are with their adult kids. If you want your kids to show up for you when they're older, you've got to show up for them when they're young.
Who gets to decide what someone's "best" is, it's usually parents that put that in our head as an excuse when for all we know there were probably times they could have done more and gotten help but they didn't feel like it, they rather hung out with friends and gossiped or watched shows or drank etc etc under the guise "I'm not the worst parent out there" or something along those lines.
Exactly and especially dogs because they "love" their owners unconditionally, no matter what kind of a person they are. In reality the dog is just loyal to whoever is providing food but they live in the illusion that only their dog understands and loves them and always supports them...well yeah because they don't know your history and don't understand your everyday venting to them...These people often don't like cats because cats exercise boundaries and preferences, they have their moods et cetera, so they aren't as easy to control. It's interesting how that all works but it is odd to see how they cling onto their pet dog and bash their children for being ungrateful for housing and food they gave them.
I wrote about this on Facebook and a guy commented and said “Kids suck! Nothing but another bill”. My response, “Oh my. Imagine not asking to be here and seeing the person who didn’t pull out say this.” This reason is exactly why I don’t have a relationship with neither one of my “life givers”. The most they see of me is my social media. No phone calls. No visits. No life updates directly from me.
This makes sense and I’d agree. My narcissistic mom should not have had children. She treated us like a job she was burdened with. She started disappearing when my brother and I started highschool. I remember overhearing her saying she couldn’t wait till she could be “done” once we graduated - like graduation meant she could stop being a mother. It hurt and I took it to heart. Once we finished highschool SHE moved away leaving us with our father, and it is only now years later that she asks “why don’t you text or call, or ask to visit.” …for real? Nah. You didn’t want anything to do with any of us!
Yah when I hear people say they have multiple adult children who refuse to be in contact with them it always makes perfect sense to the parents character lmao
One time i was about to move in with my dad because my parents were fighting each other for custody of me and my brother, and what made me stay was what my mom said to me "you can go, but you can never come back" i was afraid it was going to be true so i stayed out of fear. Those words have never left me and everytime i look at my moms face, im reminded of how malicious and manipulative she could be, instead of using love and kindness she used fear and resentment.
@@hlb9834thank you so much for your concern! I'm fine now! This occured when I was 13 years old, once I actually went to live with my dad, he was verbally abusive, so I went to live back with my mom and she was happy I was there and didn't do anything else to make me feel unwelcome, I always had a feeling that she loved my brother more because he's younger. She was with a dickhead of a boyfriend who was a bum and also 15 years younger than her, she was messed up and I left because this ASSHAT was being "weird" with me and my brother acting like some kind of sibling/stepfather which was disgusting to me, my brother liked him until the guy started to choke my brother, that's when I started getting physical with the guy too, everything he did to my brother I'd do to him until I told my mom "either he leaves or I'll leave" she didn't choose so I chose for her, I left and went to live with my dad who turned out to be verbally abusive, I moved back after the global pandemic, and my mom kicked out the bum before I got there, I only agreed to move back if he wasn't there, in my mom's house or in her life. Dude didn't have a job, didn't do chores and played super Mario all day everyday, the only purpose he served was to keep the dust out of her crack. But everything's fine now. Sorry for the long ass rant, I don't have a therapist yet.
Maybe your mom said that because she felt you had the wrong reasons for wanting to move in with dad. Some kids choose the dad because he's the more lenient parent or even because he's the one that spoils them but parenting skills are zero.
@@omphilemoerane2569 I can see why she was thinking that, it's mostly because she was always working and anytime I wanted to spend with her her boy toy would steal her away from me and my brother, I felt like I lost her somehow, like "oh you don't have time for me but you have time for him?" My father would always spend time with me even when he was dating his longtime girlfriends, and he was basically my best friend, I had no friends at school because well, I didn't speak the language and I was very depressed. I would make decisions based on impulses and lack of emotional intelligence, I still do sometimes, but I believe it's partially because of my ADHD, I'm still not medicated, but what's important is that I'm happy where I am and all I want is a full-time job and my own apartment.
I agree with her. My mom could never be bothered with me. Never made me breakfast. We had cereal every morning with powdered milk. Real milk was for her and my father’s coffee. Never made me a school lunch. Never came to my spring concert when i played the violin. When my parents divorced she allowed my stepfather to verbally and mentally abuse us. She always made excuses like she didnt know better because she was a young mother. I had a swimmers ear infection that got so bad because she wouldn’t take me to the doctor, that im now 80% deaf in that ear. Now that she is sick she expects me to give her all my time? Im reliving my childhood traumas every day now that i stuffed down because im having to care for a sick parent who didnt care for me as a helpless child. Im sitting here both resentful and feeling guilty because i feel like why should i care when as a child she didn’t care??? Its horrible. I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. Feeling unloved and unsafe as a child followed me throughout my entire adulthood and im sure i in turn caused traumas to my own children. It sucks.
Just so you know, you have every right to prioritize your self. If taking care of her is damaging you, stop doing it. It’s simple math. Other people’s opinions about how you prioritize your safety are irrelevant. I hope you make the right choice
Couldn't agree more with the person who said that your children will be the most forgiving people in your life. We WANT to have good relationships with our parents. We KNOW our parents aren't perfect. We KNOW humans are complicated and everyone has their things to work through. I bet if we polled 1000 people who are NC with their parents, 900 of them would say that all they want is for their parents to apologize, acknowledge that they messed up, and say that they want to learn to be better. It hurts so much to need to remove yourself from your family of origin for your own well-being. That's not what we're built to do. I wish folks realized that before criticizing.
I agree with your sentiment except that words are cheap. A process of actual atonement is difficult. Too many except late apologies and half-assed promises or future faking only to get used or abused again later.
Growing up, I remember my mom leaving the house for hours. She was gone all the time. When I would call her, she’d defer my calls to voicemail. But somehow, when we were around her she was always on the phone with other people. We’d get in the car excited to tell her about our school day, only for her to stay on the phone for hours. One day she told me “I’m just trying to raise three kids and get them the hell out of my house”. I was 9 and those words cut into my soul. She adopted us, we didn’t ask to be there. Not to mention the horrible, abusive treatment of my siblings. She now wonders why when she calls, her calls go to voicemail. Why everything else in my life seems to be more important. Why I don’t visit now. I’m not even doing these things consciously, it’s just how I am now. I will still look out for my parents in old age, because I do care about them. But I can’t say that we will ever be close. Too late for that.
My dad would always say, "You're just mad because you're not getting the life you wanted," Yep. While he continued to steal my childhood because he felt his was stolen from him and when I confronted him he said, "That's right! And when you have kids you get to steal theirs!" I never had kids.
@@DestinyUteh Ikr?! It's crazy and he's said worse stuff, but the problem with what he said is it's actually true. People give their kids the childhood they always wanted and never had and take their kids to places they wanted to go and never got to go and then get mad at the kids because they don't appreciate what they're doing for them when it is usually something the child never wanted. I think he felt he was sharing life wisdom with me because he was able to verbalize what he saw going on.
This is always why I'm on the fence about when people say that you should be 'punishing your kids if they misbehave' and 'don't let your children disrespect you'. Are they misbehaving because they're bad kids? Or are they misbehaving because you failed to understand your role and perform your duty as a parent? Kids don't just BECOME bad kids, there is a build up, something leads to them misbehaving which is at least 80% not their fault because they are CHILDREN. They don't know any better without guidance, guidance that you, as the parent, are supposed to give. And about not 'letting your kid disrespect you'? 9 out of 10 times, children will go on to behave exactly as they have seen demonstrated. If your child is disrespecting you, it's not because they've magically grown a spine and seek to defy you, it's because they've seen this behavior as the norm. They are actively seeing someone they interact with regularly enough, disrespecting others and think that's ok to mimic, because they think that's how they're expected to interact with said people. Children are sponges, never forget that. Until they hit the age of 9, they likely will absorb and mimic everything around them, and don't you dare point fingers at them for bad behavior, because it all started at the roots. The same roots that gave birth to them.
I agree with this 1000%, but also, some parents get kids better than they deserve. Like they could've been the worst parents but their kids will still stand by them basically enabling them to continue to be terrible but I think those kids are also in a state of trauma that they don't know how to get out of or they don't have the tools to heal the trauma their parents gave them.
“But it was the past and I tried my best!” It’s the past, true, but I’m still paying for their poor choices as an ADULT. Also, if trying your best means putting my needs on the back burner because you didn’t want kids, then you shouldn’t have “tried” to begin with. Children don’t ask to be born into broken households, and under dysfunctional parents. You reap what you sow.
I swear someone somewhere, an inadequate parent came up with that gaslighting phrase "I did my best" and all the parents took that same phrase and keep repeating it ever since, deep down they know it's not true but they bet on the poor memory of Childhood to get away with their lies.
I'm going on 62 years old I had both parents and I still didn't want any children. It takes WORK and SACRAFICE, MONEY and paying attention to them and their needs. If you are NOT able and have unresolved trauma DO NOT have children PERIOD!!!!!!!
So glad to hear from someone who is older and childfree. I agree completely with you. That's why I'll be getting sterilized soon. I'm the oldest of my siblings and I feel like I was brought into this world to be my mom's caregiver and life-fixer. But I wasn't treated well by her throughout my childhood, teen years, nor young adult life. I had to recover from so much guilt thinking that I was a bad child for not wanting to give her the love and care that she neglected me of. I've had a childfree mindset since I was single-digit aged. I'm now 29. I am able to focus on my own recovery and healing and self-love to be a better person for myself and others, instead of having someone dependent on me while I'm living with unaddressed trauma as my mom did with me. Thank you for sharing. It encouraged me to share as well.
I love my paretns. At the same time I cant give them what they want from me. My dad wishes we had a closer relationship and that I would spend more time with him. But when I was little he almost never played with me. I was a very neglected child. Especially emotionally. So dont be surprised fathers when your adult daughters are not eager to visit you. Where were you when your little girl was eager to spend time with you back then?
I'm still under Ma's roof at the moment. Unlike a lot of parents in the comment section, my mother still can't forgive herself for hurting me. I decided to forgive her since...my mom has recognized how much damage she had done once I layed it all out for her since I remember all the things that affect me, even down to 4 years old. I remember all that pain and maybe, once she realized how that ended up harming me more than she realized, she finally stopped shouting, she finally stopped being harsh with her words, she stopped being angry all the time. I'm grateful for that since she saw how bad my mental health was and if she actually lost me, she wouldn't be able to function. Those were her words...~ Now, I'm in school and working~ So, thank god I'm still here, making her proud.
Wow admitting you were wrong and trying to change is not easy for us humans. parents can be so wrapped up in their own problems they don't see their kids ( sad as being fully engaged with your kids can distract from focusing on your own problems)
I wonder if this is why some kids grow up to be closer to their aunt or uncle instead of their mom or dad. This is very interesting and will help me have more patience with my mom.
Agreed! As a child when I sat on my mum's bed she would rudely chase me off it and out of her room. As an adult she is confused as to why I barely go into her room or cuddle up on her bed like the younger siblings. 😵💫🤯
The girl who said she will always support her parents that is a good thing, but I noticed she said, "I don't talk to my parents everyday, but I call them even if it's just to say hello." I wonder if her parents call her and reach out as well? If they only talk when she calls that's odd.
Yep and even the regular calls just to say hello sound like having to fill the quota otherwise they might ask "how come you didn't call", it sounds more like very subtle guilt tripping and not very genuine, her choice to be in denial wouldn't be such an issue if she didn't post a video basically in some ways invalidating what other people are saying. Also, her being a rebel, any kid being a rebel primarily happens due to family issues but she, like many, might have a fuzzy memory of Childhood and parents usually don't reveal things on their own.
I left when I was 16 because I had to. My mother was on drugs my whole life, I told my school about it when I was 12 and child services threatened her and forced her to change, she changed, but would beat me for everything I did as a teen, like she was making me pay for making her change…so at 16 I couldn’t take anymore the lord put in my path a friend who’s parent was lenient and let me stay and I did. Haven’t been back since, I’m 42 now and been past it.. but she’s still the same and won’t do a thing to fix anything.. oh well..
I love that one woman, who reflected and looked back and said, "Damn... I missed the mark..." There are SO many parents, who need that self-awareness and self-reflection.
As a mom of 3, I 300% agree. One thing to add is you may want to see and be around your grandkids one day. You also, have to treat your children as individuals not as a group.
Facts, treat people how you want to be treated, simple as that, but parents feel like just because they gave you life you owe them everything, forgiveness without accountability, respect without giving it, unconditional love without giving it.
I grew up parentalized. They set me up to be an adult with no parents so I just made good on it. Its like these types of parents actively deny the fact their child will grow up into an adult the same as them And the ones disagreeing are the ones who dont have a good enough reason, personally (to themselves), to agree
I had an absent father (who swore he took care of all of his children even though he mentioned not being there), and a mother I didn’t realize had some psychological issues that got worse after she married her abuser and had my siblings. She snatched away my childhood because she wouldn’t make the men she slept with step up. She, also, tried to use my life as her second chance or treated me like a mascot (the thing she did right). She groomed me to be obedient and not be a risk taker, so when I started taking them as I aged… she started seeing how different life could be when you try to be brave. Then, my life became a scapegoat for the mess she created in her own life. I have no contact with her now, and I’m doing amazing for it. My health has never been better. Protect your peace, y’all!
Man I didn’t realize how true this really is. My nana did a terrible job raising my mother and uncle. And I can see with they both treat her involuntarily is how in relation she treat them when they were younger. And as an adult now I can start to see it in me as well without even meaning it. Whenever I would show my father something I made- he never cared or faked a smile. I always saw through it. Now when he shows me his projects (we’re both artists) I find myself not caring at all. Like none of it is worth caring about. And I’ve always kinda wondered why. But now I guess I know now. But that’s just a small example.
I fully agree. My mom expects to be so important in my life but I felt my life never mattered. She always had problems I was expected to help her solve and I was never able to express my pains or get support with hard things.
On the flipside, some kids are made to feel important but only so they can succeed and it can 1. Look good on the parents (vanity and social competitions) and 2. So they can benefit from the child's success (money, fame, retirement, vacations). It's just another form of conditional love, you're as good as you turn out to be for their benefit.
This is so true . My mom always preoccupied with other people's drama but always told me that i was looking for attention whilst going through a deep depression. Now ive gone no contact for 10 years . Im ignoring her like she ingnored me.
I’m Gen X who is CF because I didn’t want to pass on the abuse and I wanted to enjoy my life for myself. Both parents were abusive, and I went NC in 2009, so I didn’t get to have a childhood. I’m not sure what I’ll do when I get older but I have my own assets at least and can maybe do a Golden Girls thing. ❤ I’m so relieved people are talking about healing generational trauma and holding toxic parents accountable.
My mom will not accept this... she's 63...my siblings treat her so badly...if im around her its default for me to be like that. Im the one that will completely cut her off. My mama abandoned me on a lot of stuff. She's elderly and none of us are trying to slow our life down to help her...im a real person, i say whats uncomfortable..i told my mama before i got grown, you will be one of the women in a nursing home, don't be surprised when you get there.
So true. My mother was a bit emotionally neglectful when I was growing up. A few years ago I did an apprenticeship course that had me away from home for 4 months. I never called her once. She called me upset like 2 months in cuz she was upset that I was actively reaching out & updating other relatives & family friends but had never called her even once. I realised it was cuz she'd never really cared for anything I had to say growing up. She just never wanted to listen to me. I think that was an eye opener for her. She's really put in the effort to build more of an emotional connection with me, our relationship is way better now than it was throughout my whole childhood.
Oh i bet over 50% of mothers and fathers and family treat their children horribly. I never understand why people say "having kids is your omly goal in life" when most people dont deserve to have children.
Alot of people who say that are narcissists. They look at their children as little extentions of themselves instead of individuals. I've literally heard people - especially men - say they wanted children so a little piece of themselves can live on forever! That is NOT an appropriate reason to bring a child into the world!
My mom wasn't a horrible person, but I was fully aware that a part of her saw me as property, not as a separate being. So, while we were crazy about one another, there were definitely times where she wanted something from me and my attitude was, "why should I?" It wasn't on everything she asked of me because she was always grateful. But, there were some stuff that were very selfish and it seems she didn't consider my feelings. Without going into details, I'll just say that she married my dad not out of love but to escape her home. I have a feeling she was one of those women who have kids to have love, and one of those that don't understand how you are supposed to raise children and teach them, and not just have them as possessions. EDIT: My mom finally got a little bit of what I tried to tell her for many years. That I didn't feel seen as just a person. She took me out to lunch and apologized. She still didn't quite understand all of what I was saying, but I think she got the gist of it. She was abandoned by her mom and raised by her dad's sister who were strict. But, she loved them because they were all she knew. They loved her, too, but didn't spare the excessive rod, so to speak. So, she and I saw life a differently, but she was a great mom still.
I just had this conversation with my bestie in January!!! I am very short and impatient with my dad. He was a horrible parent growing up. He made me feel like I was an annoyance, and I was a kid. A kid who wanted some love and affection from my dad. As an adult, I don't really deal with him, and when he's around, I feel vexed in my spirit. I used to feel bad about it in the past, from time to time. After recently realizing that I treat him how he treated me, I've settled in that. I don't think that I want a relationship with him. He's entitled, manipulative, and doesn't respect boundaries. I think I'll love him from a distance, but I agree with this!
I think that for some parents once the child is old enough to call them out, the parent feels like it is too late already for corrections and now it just feels like guilt burden.
It may be late as in lots of things already happened but that's no reason to leave it as it is, there is merit in doing the right thing eventually even if it's to genuinely apologize, and validate the kids struggles and move forward however the kid is comfortable with but this time with the parent trying way more to be better.
I struggle to get along with my mother and don’t really care for her as a mother or a person especially, she had a lot of abuse and trauma and instead of getting help she decided to gaslight us at every chance, put my siblings and I against each other, and project her insecurities onto us. My mother believes since we weren’t dirt poor like she was, she doesn’t have a drinking problem, and she doesn’t use a belt like her parents she’s suddenly a saint.
I guess that must be true because I gave everything I had to take care of my grandmother in our home when she became infirm, and when I got together with my husband I had him understand from the beginning that I would always be there for my grandmother, and he understood and agreed. My grandmother stepped in when my parents were unable to be the parents they should have been. I was so blessed that I had her❣️❣️❣️
This is how I feel about my grandmother God rest her soul. She would shield me from my mother’s verbal abuse, and mood swings, and would explain to me what was happening because as a child, I was so confused. I felt like my mother just didn’t like me because I look so much like my father.. my grandmother was my guardian angel.🙏🏽🙏🏽❤️❤️
Emotional support is the big one I see missing between kids and parents that leads to this situation. The parents think feelings and thoughts are things that just naturally happen as they should and it is what it is, instead of teaching coping skills and how to grow.
It's amazes me (In a terrible way) that there are so many parents/families that are this toxic and rotten to the core :(. There are great parents/families out there-Just a shame they are far and few. I understand unresolved traumas can have devastating effects, but people MUST realize that lashing out your negative emotions and not getting professional help gives no one the rights to perpetuate the vicious cycle. Props to those who are working through their traumas and to those showing their children love; compassion; and understanding.
Man this resonated with me so deeply, I remember my mom would leave to go with her friends and leave the house with 4 day old pizza and nothing cooked. I even vividly remember going to the kitchen and not having a can opener, so what did I do? I used a knife to cut it open and help me and my disabled brother eat. Also I really didn’t have a father, so my grandparents raised me thank goodness for that
I stay away from my mother because she taught me to not need her. She taught me to not ask her for anything and that my children were my responsibility. I was abused and neglected as well. When I had children I kept them away from her and I keep them safe, loved and aware.
Wow! I must have been a better mom than I thought. My kids treat me amazingly. I am truly blessed. My husband, their father, died a couple of years ago and it was hard. The kids were wonderful in helping me start the grief journey.
I 1000% agree with her. A lot of my family will be like why don’t you call me, when can I see you blah blah blah..... But they don’t remember all the nights that I slept outside apparently? When they kicked me out at 18.I literally was working full-time too, and was doing what I was supposed to be doing at that age. I couldn’t go to school, because I didn’t have a way to get there and they refused to help me. I ended up losing my job, because I had to go to a city where I could get services, and became homeless. It is so strange now too, because when I don’t contact them for a while, they actually act like they’re worried. They weren’t too worried when they were ignoring my calls when I was sleeping outside, and begging them to buy me a pizza. They weren’t too worried when I was outside sleeping in the snow, I’ve literally slept and -20° weather before 💀 I’m 28 now, and I’ve come to the conclusion that my parents don’t love me, they love the idea of me. They don’t even know who I am as a person, because they don’t even try. I’m grateful I at least have my paternal grandmother + maternal Papo (grandpa)in my life. They actually see me,for me.
I feel this... my mom was honestly a GREAT mom while I was a minor...not perfect but great, she was a young mother. But once my sister and I hit adulthood, that's where the disconnect happened. She often feels that even as adults we were still bound and treated like children, held back from opportunities, and even obligated to give her anything and everything she wants simply because "I gave up everything to raise you" type of attitude. It makes zero damn sense to have more freedoms of actions and speech as a child/teen than you do as a grown ass woman!! 😒
This is not about laying blame. It is about recognizing and breaking old patterns that often go back for generations. Sometimes, that requires breaking away from family members who aren't willing to change their behavior. I had to stop talking to my family for my own mental health and to improve the quality of relationships of other people in life.
My daughters are 29 and 32. I was a hot head parent - spankings were common and screaming. I was heavy handed many times. I bwasbunder a lot of stress, going to school, raising 2 girls. I have told them I am sorry many times. I have helped them get through college ( something my parents never did for me). They are both successful- one is physician assistant the other is a registered nurse. I have tremendous guilt, yet they still love me- I don’t deserve them really. I had a horrible childhood and I took it out of them. I talk to them everyday and support them in every way, but raising them was hell on them.
When I see people say oh my mama made me do homework that’s not bad. The real is being so scared to go home cause you don’t know if you are going to get beaten. Getting your lip busted over vanilla wafers cause they are counted. Being told you are nothing and you too black cause your mother was a colorist to her child not the men she went after. I agree cause when I was finally able to leave I left I tried to still help but would be talked to bad for being there. I moved to another state and she ended up alone with no one there for her cause how she treated not only me but also my sister. I do miss her but don’t miss the abuse I endured in my childhood into my adulthood. I forgive her but I still cry cause it’s hard to forget.
It really sucks when we try to discuss our problems to "normal" people who grew up with "normal" parents and they dismiss us as spoiled, bratty, and ungrateful because they assume our problems with our parents are along the lines of "they made me do homework" or "they didn't let me go party as a teen". If only it were that petty! If anything, I feel resentful for my parents not pushing me enough academically, especially in high school where it was extremely important. They thought saying things like "Do your homework" at random times and with no emotion, like an automated chatbot would, was enough. Nothing about how to prepare for college, just "Make sure you prepare for college". I didn't even realize until 13+ years after I graduated from college that my parents were supposed to help me with the selection and application process, never mind that I picked my degree and school simply on the bases of "this degree won't make my mom cry about how I'm not feminine enough, she would be happy with it" and "this school is close enough that it won't make my mom cry, even though I really want to go out of state or even out of the country". That's how bad the manipulation gets. Even worse when you were never physically abused, just mentally/emotionally, so you have no physical scars, and your parents already convinced everyone that could help you that if you bring up anything negative about them, it's just "for attention" and you're exaggerating things/lying because "that's what kids do". I can't even count how many people lost trust in me after my parents convinced them I was lying, even indirectly, as in cases where they made me purposefully late/would not allow me to go to events I had already committed myself to. Made me look flaky as hell when I am the complete opposite. Funny how I have never had any last-minute "emergencies" or been late for reasons other than traffic/public transit failure as an adult. Society needs to understand narcissistic parents and family systems, and the children that come from them.
My mom disowned me 10 years ago, when I called her out on her hypocrisy. I’ve reached out a couple of times, but no reply. I have a much better relationship with my children than I used to, but it’s because I OWNED MY SH*T! I’ve apologized profusely for my irrational behavior while raising them. They are very understanding, and realize the trauma from growing up, continued with their dad. They have nothing to do with him, as he only contacts them when his new wife puts him up to it. I’m grateful for the awareness I’ve gained about myself, so I can make the necessary changes!
I used to visit my older aunt every time I came home from college. I knew she was lonely and up in age. I stopped by her house on the way back to school and i walked in her place. She lifted my dress up to see under my dress in front of everyone. I could not believe she did that. It still bothers me. I haven’t visited her since. Now she can’t move around by herself and needs someone to live with her and I absolutely refuse. I will not do it.
Ooff this one cut deep... I especially liked the last lady, who spoke about her grandmother - sounds like she did SO MUCH healing... It's inspiring 🥺 Thank you Destiny for sharing your story , being the person who breaks the generational curses and traumas in your family is never easy but always BRAVE. ❤
I'm 56 now. My sister is ten months younger. My brother is seven years younger then me. My mom had a lot of siblings and they grew up poor on a farm in Ireland. My mom left that home to go live with an aunt in town. My mom came here to the states when she was real young. In her 20's from abuse she suffered. My sister and I shared a room growing up. I am the same as I was as a kid. My sister is the same now as she was as a kid personality wise. I am a nite owl. I am a creative. I loved staying up late listening to the radio. My sister went to bed early so she constantly screamed to my mom so and so has the tv on or so and so has the radio or light on or whatever. My brother explained it to me a few months back that in her mind us kids weren't being abused the way she was so everything, everyone should be fine and what are we complaining about. Meanwhile we had a whole other room in the house that they used as a dining room what once or twice a year for the holidays that could have been one of our bedrooms. It's the day to day for years of not having your parents sit down with us to figure out why us two couldn't get along. The daily screaming. The door slamming. We had a mirror on the back of the bedroom door that on one morning screaming match cracked and a whole huge corner of the mirror cracked off and got stuck in my sisters shoulder. She had to go to the er. It's the day in and day out of your parent not seeing how your children are not one entity. We are different people with different needs where my sister was the one that was always believed and I was the one that was always punished. As a Gen X yes we worked early. I delivered the penny saver and had a paper route that allowed me to buy things for myself like teen beat magazine. I'd come home and everything I'd buy was always thrown out. The day to day of never knowing what mood my parents would be in when I'd come home. The day in and day out of anger and screaming and hitting for no reason. The day in and day out of never being spoken to like I mattered. I was always ordered what to do. I mentioned in a comment on another of Destiny's vid that I had to go no contact with my dad four years ago. I shouldn't have anxiety and stutter and stammer with my dad at 50 when I try to have some type of relationship with my dad and try to keep the conversation light so I'd talk about stupid stuff like what I did one day at my job or the weather and within five minutes he's standing up hoovering over me with that narcissistic rage. I swear seeking therapy should be federally mandated before two people decide to get married. My parents were two people that really shouldn't not have had kids. Our whole family is fucked up due to I don't talk my dad or my sister. My brother doesn't talk to my sister.
I had a similar conversation today with a woman that I work with. It was under the context of parents sticking their disabled children in a home instead of taking care of them themselves. That led into the conversation of how I am way more harsh with parents who give up on their kids, more than I am on kids who give up on their parents. For the simple fact that parents choose to have kids. Kids do not get the choice to be born. As a parent, your kids are not an extension of you and how "perfect" or problemless you think life should be. A parent has no right to expect that when a kid is grown, that they will turn around and help them. You hope they will, but it's not a guarantee, no matter how good a parent you were. You brought life into this world and did everything in your power to help that life get to where it's at. That's your job as a parent. After that, you're still an adult, expected to do the best you can to continue providing for yourself, while the life you created deals with their own. That is the true sacrifice of being a parent. And it"s not for everybody. And that's okay.
That statement speaks true. At least for my dad. Dad abandoned me and my mom for a trophy wife. When I was forced to try and "recognize" her as my "new mother" at their wedding, I said no. Now who in their right mind makes "special vows" directed at the kid? No one sane that I know. Also his trophy wife never liked me at all. So why should I consider her my mother? My dad's side of the family, and trophy wife's family, were a bunch of idiots. When we cut contact, he told my mom that if I ever wanted to speak to him, I basically had to come crawling back to him sobbing like some pathetic worm. Having dealt with many abusive friends and a transphobic ex wife, I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of doing that. He disowned me for being disabled and abandoned me because he didn't want to care for an autistic child with life-threatening brain conditions. So why should I bend over backwards??? Makes no sense. Weird that when he died in 2021, I was not informed by anyone. I got informed by a life insurance paper. ....wow. can't even have the balls to apologize to me in death. I guess it "makes up" for the house you stole and sold out from me and my mom when I was a child. Oh wait....it doesn't. What I was given can't even afford a good house in today's market. Where's the money he and his rich ass trophy wife had? Don't have kids if you are a selfish asshole. Especially if your kids end up being born with disabilities. And if you treat them like how my father treated me, they will resent you until the day you die. We as disabled folk didn't ask to be here. It's the fault of our mothers and fathers who selfishly brought us into this world.
A lot of parents emphasize forgiveness because they want their negative behavior to be enabled without repercussions.
That’s what my dad does. But he gets so upset at my mum and me if we give him the silent treatment 🙄
You're absolutely right!
💯‼️🔥😮💨🥱
To further expound on your comment at some point because no one is perfect right we all need forgiveness but for a toxic parent forgiveness is used as a weapon.
Exactly. "Let go of the past blah blah blah" How convenient.
Also, if your children lose respect or get tired of your mistreatment, they will treat you accordingly.
💯
At that point, you lost your child…that’s just a shell of what could’ve been if you were more kind 💯
@@PeriwinkleB yes so true.
That part.
that’s what happened to me and my relationship with my father. after so much bs from him the respect or sense of fatherhood is gone.
You can’t collect on what you didn’t invest.
This!!!
oooof this is the one
wwwoooooo. Yes!
💯 I'm not doing jack for my abusers.
This is also what I think everytime my dad tells me he wanted grandchildren.
@@merulaamethyst2248😂😂😂😂😂😂❤I love my people...
How your kids treat you is a reflection of how you made them feel when they were a kid
BIG FACTS‼️‼️😐🙄
Maybe and maybe not... only speak on your experience... some children end up with psychological issues that have nothing to do with the parents....
@@YOUR-WORD-IS-YOUR-BOND sounds like your making excuses. No one talking about kids who are impaired. Obviously talking about mentally abled kids
@@zero1188nah, you sound like someone who doesn't have kids or doesn't have teen kids. Some children simply choose to be rude despite having been loved.
@@lcam9241 Keep making excuses, I'm sure that everything will change by doing nothing.
children are NOT a retirement plan. get you some long term care insurance so that a nurse can come take care of you in the facility you need when you retire. do not put that financial and emotional burden on your children.
You wouldn't believe how often the tradwife cult who shame women who choose to be child free about this. They tell on themselves, they only want children so they have someone to care for them in old age! Smh, as if every child will care for their parents in old age, these girls need more life experiences before they come onto the internet and start giving ill advise.
This is one of the many reasons I think having children is inherently selfish… ppl always say they want children so they have someone to take care of them when they’re old
This is such a strange thing to say. All of our relationships we maintain because we get something out of it. We are all selfish in a way that’s how the world works. To expect nursing facilities to take care of you in old age speaks of a person who is young and disconnected. You have family in general that you love and care for but for some reason the line is drawn when you have kids? You want everyone to be childless if they have any desire to have family to care for them when they’re older? Lol I think y’all just say anything when you get on this internet.
@@DiLaviit is inherently selfish and so are majority of things in life. It’s how we are all still here, self preservation. Do you say the same to people who desire friends and spouses? No.. all our relationships are reciprocal, in one way are another.
If you were a good mother or father to your children, hopefully they’ll naturally want to take care of you in old age. It’s the sense of entitlement that bothers me. There are many parents who KNOW they were (and maybe still are) shitty parents, yet feel like their kids OWE THEM love, care and compassion. Many parents forget, THEY chose to have kids. Their kids never asked to be born in the first place.
I’m 28 and recently realized that the reason I show little to no interest in other people is not because I’m callus and uncaring, because I’m not. It’s because that’s how I was treated as a kid. I wasn’t talked to but was talked at. Nobody asked me about myself, which is why I find it strange when people do because it’s not normal for me. I’ve been working on these things lately and staying aware of this.
I resonate with this 100% Talked at, and absolutely no interest or curiosity shown in me as a person. Grew up in a house of room mates.
I relate to this too 😢
I disagree, that's not the reason. YOU choose the Kind of person, YOU want to be, once you become an Adult!
Even though it was "normal" for you....As a kid You knew it wasn't Right to be treated that way and instead of doing what's Right, You CHOSE to treat others, the same way your parent(s) treated you.
I resonated with this. Wishing us all healing & safe and loving connections ❤
@velvetrose7729 old habits die young. When your self concept has been embedded in you as a child to feel, act and think a certain way, it becomes difficult to make those necessary changes in adulthood.
The real process is to seek reflection, healing and reparenting oneself in a gentle & loving way.
Most people have STOCKHOLM syndrome with their parents. Simply defending them and “forgiving them” because they have your blood. Nahhh. Blood don’t mean anything to me, what matters are actions, respect and kindness.
Facts!!!
I hate how people act like it's a good thing when people still have a relationship with their abusive parents. Like no, run!!! Don't put up with people who treat you like trash and needed 18 years to realise you're a person.
@@umhi9778Exactly, its old thinking like that that makes parents think they can abuse their kids without consequences. Children remember everything, especially is unjustified. I remember every single beating I ever got that was unwarranted. Fukkkk thattttt, nahhhh BLOOD IS NOTHING is you don't treat it like gold.
I often feel like I was partially brainwashed as a kid to be supportive of my mom, and now I’ve had to set my own personal boundaries, and it’s really difficult. I have to actively stop myself from doing what she asks when she’s taking things too far. She now tries to understand and respect my boundaries, but sometimes she still seems put off when I tell her “No” ‘Cause when I was a kid being assertive with her was not allowed, but now as I’ve learned it’s beneficial for me to tell her no, she’s had to learn respecting my boundaries is respecting me. But damn, even as an adult that preprogramming is hard to shake.
OH MY GOSH!! I literally say this. Like Stockholm syndrome for children to their mother has to be considered a real thing. Not everyone would even associate with their parents if they weren't their parents. Literally a person you can't escape and you NEED them for at least 18 years and everyone says that you have to love them no matter what, but why? A parent could abuse you and treat you just as bad as your enemy, yet I'm supposed to love them just because we're related. My face, out of it. Love should be earned, not just given.
Lets talk about how parent treat the favorite child versus the latter. Then the least favorite is expected to care for them in their older age.
This! YEP! Youngest and was treated horribly yet my older brother and sister were a King and a Queen. UGH! Guess who didn't show up when my dad had cancer and was dying? And my mom acting martyr to his cancer? Reap what you sow.
This is happening to my mum right now and i will have to look after my mum not my brothers even though she hated me for a long time as a child 👐🏾
Do you really have too? Not being snarky asking as someone who was threatened that I had to take care of my parents. I left at 18 and set boundaries. @@rjlondon5801
This right here is truth! I've been through it and I'm the black sheep but my mom got sick and guess who was there? Me!
@@rjlondon5801 You don't "have to" do anything. Put yourself first because someone needs to. Tell those brothers it's their circus.
Omg, that girl talking about parents weaponizing the concept of forgiveness! My mom will say I need to let go of past behavior when I get upset, and I’m here like, “Bish! The “past” you’re talking about was this past week! Stop acting like I’m bringing up the lost actions of yesteryear and acknowledge you need to quit doing the thing!”
Omg same
When the people urging you to "forgive and forget" are the people who would benefit the most from you doing that, you should probably hold on and remember until they stop saying that.
The girl that disagreed really doesn’t realize she actually agrees 😂 she said her parents were good to her as a child but she was just a rebellious teen. Shows why she now cares about them no matter what. It’s literally the same way they treated her lol
I thought the same thing lol
Exactly what I thought too, like you love your mom cuz she fulfilled your needs, but not every child gets that from their parents. She's kinda blessed that she didn't understand the question lol
She did mention not having a great relationship with her mom, and to me the "rebellious teen" part sounded a lot like an attempt to absolve her parents of their bad or abusive behavior. Unfortunately it's a common place that childhood trauma survivors get stuck in, either because of pressure from other family members to "forgive and forget", culture, religion, or lack of awareness about their trauma. They don't want to admit anything was wrong with their parents' behavior (because children don't default to blaming parents, they default to blaming themselves), so they bring up excuses about why their parents "had" to act this way.
To be fair, I can't speak for her because I don't know her situation, but I recognized the behavior and body language immediately because I also have been in this phase.
Exactly
I WAS THINKING THIS !
My narcissistic and emotionally immature parents are old now and wonder why I blocked them. Not my monkeys, not my circus. I treat them the way they treat me, by ignoring and giving the bare minimum.
I’m currently doing the same . It’s like WHY HAVE CHILDREN
The bare minimum is still too much
These millennials and genzs are entitled and we raised you the best we could. Yall are ungrateful and have no shame.
My parents are definitely emotionally immature. Especially my mother 🤦🏽♀️
👌👌
And this is why my dad will never be greeted by me with a smile on my face.
Deadbeat dads deserve the cold shoulder.
Lmao mine won't even get the privilege to see me 😂
Same, n now he’s getting old n sick n wondering why no one’s visiting him, still narcissistic
@@SasaSasa-wy9wudon't vist let him suffer like he did u . I work as a CNA in the nursing home and the children that try to forgive usually get financially spiritually and mentally drained.
I blocked my dad last week. I don’t ever want to see him again. He’s useless. 🤷🏽♀️
then they become martyrs and tell sob stories how they kids are so cruel they abandoned their parent... I mean... they did their best!! :O
yes did their best to revenge their suffering to someone who happened to be around!
My mother whipped me with wrapped switches right out of the bath tube. She would taunt us while we were in the bath tube saying stuff like “staying in there longer ain’t gonna change what’s gonna happened when you get out”. She would even bam on the door to tell us to hurry. I had to wear long sleeve shirts and pants to cover all the lashes on my body. Sometimes I would bleed through my clothes. I thought this was normal until I got older 😢. Once we got bigger, she just stayed away and worked all the time. Never took us anywhere. She old and sickly now. I can’t maintain relationships. I was also a fatherless child as well.
I ignored both of my parents now and I’ll never have children bc I don’t have confidence that I could properly raise a child with my trauma. I just focus on being kind, working hard, taking care of myself, and loving me cause I don’t trust people.
I don't have words 💔
That's fucking sadistic
My mother did this to my older sister and my abusive step father also encouraged my mother to do this to me. My mother put me in the hospital the same night. So, when I say I have so much compassion for you, I really do. People can be so evil.
I can relate to this a lot. Thankfully, mine only happened a few times fresh out of the shower. Whipping someone with wet skin is straight torture. Then it creates so much anxiety for showering, which should be relaxing.
EMDR and IFS therapies helped me the most.
I really wish you the most peace and healing possible for the rest of your life. 💜💜💜
I hope you heal and seek mental help to help with the moving on process so u can learn what it's live to live normally
My narcissist mother treated me terribly and she is going to have to figure out what she is going to do in old age.
Not my problem
@@Megs658 If you're mother treated you terrible just know that it was never love.
Mother's are supposed to love and protect and guide their children and not to bring them up to anger or act petty.
It's perfectly fine if you don't feel sorry for your moms passing.
When my own mother passes away I will not feel anything because she didn't create any good memories with me only many bad ones.
I send you a virtual hug ❤
Oooh brutal, but I totally get it!! Whew!!
Nothing but hugs and empathy from me. Your feelings are not invalidated. I wish you well.
I don’t blame you
Same
I won't be arranging or attending funeral either.
"I loved my kids" When has love stopped people from hurting others?
Facts!!
Then that ain't love
@@VidWatcher01 its usually just a front to exert power over the defenseless youth. "Tough love"/"I'm doing this because I love you" type shit💀
@@VidWatcher01 id argue you can love someone while hurting them peoples feelings cant always and often dont translate into corresponding actions when someones perception of the world is warped. That said i dont think loving someone is or should be a shield from responsibility
EVERY time? Since a lot of people do not know what the word "love" means now days?
Love is ALWAYS good and pure and it is literally THE OPPOSITE of evil/aka harming anybody.,
Please know what words mean before you try to comment!
What you are talking about is fake love, or loosing it. But if you love your kids then you would NEVER harm them.
I think a lot of parents don’t realize they weren’t very good parents
I know alot of you on here don't realize you're emotionally stunted and don't respect the all the trauma black people go through to become who they are even you. Yall are a weird bunch of point the finger and I am not accountable or understanding of other black women. Karma is real for all of us time will show you.
that’s because a lot of parents think providing food and shelter is all a child needs
Shit my mother said doesn’t care after I told her.
Boomers are notorious for this treatment of their children (late Gen X/Millennials)
Most of them don't care enough to even try. Hell the vast majority of them will admit they don't even know what their doing.
Sometimes all the child wants is an "Am sorry." But most parents will try by all means to avoid that.
I would see people be jerks towards their children, nieces, nephews and i would always say " what are they going to do when the day comes when the children grow up and realize they don't have to put up with their crap?"
Up to now they played the victim card and used cheap excuses but now we know better than to buy that and they are mad at that.
I believe every adult has a wounded child that lives within them. The whole world is hurting.
Yes, but every adult has a chance to break the cycle of generational trauma. Sadly not everyone is breaking the cycle. We can do better if we want to.
No excuse. I fall in that category but won’t allow my children to suffer because of it.
Wow! That’s profound.
Not every. Watch what words mean.
a LOT of adults. The world is GOOD. Society is twisted out of it.
@@Yinyara There's a lot of in-between, though. My mother really tried to treat us differently than her parents did to her, and she managed to solve some of the trauma, but not all of it. Most of it, actually, she still isn't aware she has. So she's been both good and loving, and manipulative and overbearing. It's a real struggle for me. I see everything she did right even when it cost her a lot, and what she still did horribly wrong. How she refused to treat us like her parents treated her, but still reproduced some of the abuse.
I'm also trying to break the cycle, but I'm still an anxious, depressive mess. I respect my daughter and treat her as a whole independent person, but she still has to grow up with an exhausted, often sad, often overwhelmed, often anxious mom. It's like every generation you get the chance to heal 50% of the trauma and then your kid still inherits what's left.
This is a fact. My brother and I do not question or hesitate to spend money on our mother. When we have, she has. We're a team. But that's because SHE made it that way. We don't always get along but that's our girl. She recently went through heart surgery again and we're getting her back healthy and strong. We only know how to give what she gave us. My mom is my baby because she treated me like her baby. Simple. Don't have to be rich, don't have to spoil them. Just instill the right things and lead by example.
🙌🏾💖
I envy your family's strength and unity. You are all so fortunate.
@@yulebones Thank you sweetheart.
@@mizrelmizrel 💖
This is the first positive comment I've seen.
I failed miserably financially raising my son! So many people chastised me for that and often told me I was too childish and friendly to him. He did without a lot when he was growing up, a lot of opportunities for activities because we couldn't afford it. It took a toll on his confidence and his peer relationships. But the irony is, now grown, he spoils me rotten! He will give me anything I ask for! (I don't exploit that, just pointing out his attitude towards me). We still hang out and do things together! We can sit and talk for hours! I find that people are actually mad that he doesn't hate me! We didn't have money, but that friendship everyone thought i should not be having, ha! I have always acknowledged and respected his feelings and opinions. I always wanted him to know that what he felt mattered. I asked for his opinions, etc.. We have an actual relationship, we love each other, we actually like each other! I am always grateful for his understanding and loyalty.
I've seen kids spoiled with things but neglected from love and attention. That's way worse. I'm glad y'all are strong today. It's not easy ❤
This! It don't take money to raise a kid right or to build a relationship with your kid.
It's not bad to have money or pursue money, but it don't buy your kids love.
@@emilyann4549 money is important for the nervous system actually. Financial trauma is definitely a real thing and it’s very common. It can give you anxiety and even ptsd. For example having to move a lot, not having food, not having fitting clothes or being able to do laundry, the list goes on. If you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs you’ll see physiological and safety needs in our current society all need money (except for air). Shelter, warmth, water, food, consistency, health, resources, etc.
Love is actually third on that pyramid of needs and love is not enough for any relationship or to stay alive. We are animals before all else. Psychologically we focus on what we need to survive if we don’t have it. And it will make you go crazy very quickly.
I’ve starved for weeks and i promise you I didn’t give a damn about love during those times. you can’t even think about anything but food.
I doubt this mom was purely destitute but money is very important and please don’t imply people should just have a child bc they want to regardless of the financial situation.
No shade to this mom at all. She sounds great.
"I have alway acknowledged and respected his feelings an opinions." This right here is why he loves you and why you have a great relationship to this day.
Financial abuse and neglect are far different from doing one's best while living in poverty.
Then they become so nice n friendly as they get old and it’s not bc they realize ur a beautiful child but that they’re getting old n sick n need the help.
This is what I wonder. I want to believe my mother just matured as she started aging but then, I don’t know.
This. My dad is finally trying to have a relationship with me now that he realizes I might leave him to die alone.
@@sighidk786people are supposed to mature long before they start getting grey hair. It may be that getting old changed her outlook on life somewhat, but from what I've seen it's mostly manipulation tactics (conscious or unconscious) to not be alone and have a caretaker, and to feel that they did accomplish something in their lives after all. Don't fall for it, remember that actions speak louder than words.
Many stay mean too.
Riight@@StephieGsrEvolution ? I know many who actually get MEANER and NASTIER!
Parents always know what they did wrong. It's denial because it's painful to admit. I know right now when I miss the mark with my teen girls. ❤
Do you apologize to them?
Thank you for admitting this.
Agreed. They are people too so they know right from wrong.
Of course not lmao
You should apologize to them if you didn't already
For the young woman who disagreed: that’s how you feel. Maybe you were a spoiled, immature brat at the time; and now you’ve grown enough to own your shortcomings. Good on you, sounds like you have great parents and of course you’ll be there for them. But, for the majority of us who were abused emotionally, physically, etc., naw, those parents know what they did. They just don’t want to admit; and do the HARD work in recovering themselves in order to recover their children. Lord, have mercy. The sins of the parents unto the 3rd and 4th generations.
Was looking for this comment.👏🏾
@@Healing_with_Joyliterally came to say the same thing!
Right. I think she kind of misunderstood the conversation. She had a TOUGH mother, not a bad and/or neglectful mother. What she had to say was definitely valuable in its own way; it just doesn't apply here.
People keep making it seem like theres a fine line between these two. The horrible parents never admit when they are wrong but their actions show it.
The fact she said “let’s just say…” tells me everything. This is someone who isn’t speaking from this lived experience. So how can you say this isn’t so? 🧐
I raise my daughter with the golden rule and treat and respect my daughter as I expect her to do me. Whenever I see people being disrespectful to their kids, I ALWAYS think that's gonna be the person moping at christmas in 20 years.
💯💯💯💗💗💗
@@StephieGsrEvolution How do you know she did? I said I did and no one believed me because my child abuses me and uses me and ghost me. A therapist will even say that good parent do get abused by narc children and sometimes it is not their fault.
@@writervictoria???
As an only child with two parents who experienced extensive trauma, they put on a great front by providing, and not much more. In my home, negative emotions and different opinions were not tolerated, and big issues were ignored and swept under the rug. To the outside world, especially my dysfunctional extended family, it looks like I had an ideal upbringing, and that comes with its own isolation. Ugh.
Yeah my dad's side of the family was an upper middle class delusion fest.
I can relate to this.
I can relate to that part ideal upbringing and its own isolation 😢 i felt this in my soul exactly how i feel
I relate, and my parents refused to teach me anything about the real world, but took every single opportunity to make me feel like lazy 💩 for not having skills and being provided for. I got all sorts of verbal abuse just for trying to learn how to drive. At 20 years old!
@@Ivy-Woods that’s terrible
I told my mom and her husband “I’m going to take care of you the same way you raised me”! They both said “No”. I knew they knew everything they denied in that moment and fell back.
My mother used to say that if I hung out with certain people, it would reflect poorly on me. Wonder if she has realized yet, that going no contact with her was because I paid attention to that lesson. I mean, really? Why would I want to be around someone who treated their small child so poorly, they would pray to die in their sleep?
Something similar happened with my where my mom hammered into me when I was younger that everyone has an ulterior motive and with how much backpedalling shes done at this point its hard for me to believe and apology from her no natter how genuine it actually is. Im working on it because my parents have told me they realize they shouldnt have let their frustration spill onto me when i was younger but theres definitely a learning curve to get from everyone has ulterior motives to i recognize you are remorseful for your actions
Suffering and hunger don't always build character. They actually cause massive deficiency
Exactly, that creates for an adverse childhood that later translates into things like anxiety, fears, addiction, mental and/or emotional instability. Let's not glamorize or normalize bringing kids into such conditions in this day and age where people have resources to learn and do better even easier than before.
They NEVER does? At least know reality?
ONLY good things can make good things. Kind of a given fact.
100% agree. "You never asked me how I felt" sums up my childhood. Physically I had everything I needed, but my mother had no interest in knowing who I was or what I thought or felt about anything. Now she's in her 70s and gets upset because we're not close like her friends are with their adult kids. If you want your kids to show up for you when they're older, you've got to show up for them when they're young.
Who gets to decide what someone's "best" is, it's usually parents that put that in our head as an excuse when for all we know there were probably times they could have done more and gotten help but they didn't feel like it, they rather hung out with friends and gossiped or watched shows or drank etc etc under the guise "I'm not the worst parent out there" or something along those lines.
Parents today, especially in the U.S., treat their pets like children and their children like the pets.
Exactly and especially dogs because they "love" their owners unconditionally, no matter what kind of a person they are. In reality the dog is just loyal to whoever is providing food but they live in the illusion that only their dog understands and loves them and always supports them...well yeah because they don't know your history and don't understand your everyday venting to them...These people often don't like cats because cats exercise boundaries and preferences, they have their moods et cetera, so they aren't as easy to control. It's interesting how that all works but it is odd to see how they cling onto their pet dog and bash their children for being ungrateful for housing and food they gave them.
I wrote about this on Facebook and a guy commented and said “Kids suck! Nothing but another bill”. My response, “Oh my. Imagine not asking to be here and seeing the person who didn’t pull out say this.”
This reason is exactly why I don’t have a relationship with neither one of my “life givers”. The most they see of me is my social media. No phone calls. No visits. No life updates directly from me.
This makes sense and I’d agree. My narcissistic mom should not have had children. She treated us like a job she was burdened with. She started disappearing when my brother and I started highschool. I remember overhearing her saying she couldn’t wait till she could be “done” once we graduated - like graduation meant she could stop being a mother. It hurt and I took it to heart. Once we finished highschool SHE moved away leaving us with our father, and it is only now years later that she asks “why don’t you text or call, or ask to visit.” …for real? Nah. You didn’t want anything to do with any of us!
Yah when I hear people say they have multiple adult children who refuse to be in contact with them it always makes perfect sense to the parents character lmao
My mom has 5. Literally none of us call or visit her.
Facts never went for my Dads funeral . No regrets.
Wow I have no plans to go anyone’s in my family
I have anxiety about going to my mom’s funeral when she dies…maybe I just won’t go
@@KnowledgeSeeker78491 you don’t have to do anything your intuition warns you not to do
I admire your honesty. I hope I’ll have the strength to do the same and not let [unnecessary] guilt win.
I'm just curious as to what a dead body looks like. And an excuse to grab a coffee on the way.
One time i was about to move in with my dad because my parents were fighting each other for custody of me and my brother, and what made me stay was what my mom said to me "you can go, but you can never come back" i was afraid it was going to be true so i stayed out of fear. Those words have never left me and everytime i look at my moms face, im reminded of how malicious and manipulative she could be, instead of using love and kindness she used fear and resentment.
D: Horrible. I hope you're not living with her anymore and in a safe, peaceful environment.
@@hlb9834thank you so much for your concern! I'm fine now!
This occured when I was 13 years old, once I actually went to live with my dad, he was verbally abusive, so I went to live back with my mom and she was happy I was there and didn't do anything else to make me feel unwelcome, I always had a feeling that she loved my brother more because he's younger. She was with a dickhead of a boyfriend who was a bum and also 15 years younger than her, she was messed up and I left because this ASSHAT was being "weird" with me and my brother acting like some kind of sibling/stepfather which was disgusting to me, my brother liked him until the guy started to choke my brother, that's when I started getting physical with the guy too, everything he did to my brother I'd do to him until I told my mom "either he leaves or I'll leave" she didn't choose so I chose for her, I left and went to live with my dad who turned out to be verbally abusive, I moved back after the global pandemic, and my mom kicked out the bum before I got there, I only agreed to move back if he wasn't there, in my mom's house or in her life. Dude didn't have a job, didn't do chores and played super Mario all day everyday, the only purpose he served was to keep the dust out of her crack. But everything's fine now.
Sorry for the long ass rant, I don't have a therapist yet.
Maybe your mom said that because she felt you had the wrong reasons for wanting to move in with dad. Some kids choose the dad because he's the more lenient parent or even because he's the one that spoils them but parenting skills are zero.
@@omphilemoerane2569 I can see why she was thinking that, it's mostly because she was always working and anytime I wanted to spend with her her boy toy would steal her away from me and my brother, I felt like I lost her somehow, like "oh you don't have time for me but you have time for him?" My father would always spend time with me even when he was dating his longtime girlfriends, and he was basically my best friend, I had no friends at school because well, I didn't speak the language and I was very depressed. I would make decisions based on impulses and lack of emotional intelligence, I still do sometimes, but I believe it's partially because of my ADHD, I'm still not medicated, but what's important is that I'm happy where I am and all I want is a full-time job and my own apartment.
My mum did the same and i left at 15. She really never let me come back 💔
The 1st lady who responded gets it. Hopefully her children will forgive her.
Eh we don't know how bad it was. They might be better of living without her
I was really impressed with her. That kind of self-awareness is so rare!
I agree with her. My mom could never be bothered with me. Never made me breakfast. We had cereal every morning with powdered milk. Real milk was for her and my father’s coffee. Never made me a school lunch. Never came to my spring concert when i played the violin. When my parents divorced she allowed my stepfather to verbally and mentally abuse us. She always made excuses like she didnt know better because she was a young mother. I had a swimmers ear infection that got so bad because she wouldn’t take me to the doctor, that im now 80% deaf in that ear. Now that she is sick she expects me to give her all my time? Im reliving my childhood traumas every day now that i stuffed down because im having to care for a sick parent who didnt care for me as a helpless child. Im sitting here both resentful and feeling guilty because i feel like why should i care when as a child she didn’t care??? Its horrible. I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. Feeling unloved and unsafe as a child followed me throughout my entire adulthood and im sure i in turn caused traumas to my own children. It sucks.
We don't owe our abusers 💩.
Just so you know, you have every right to prioritize your self. If taking care of her is damaging you, stop doing it. It’s simple math. Other people’s opinions about how you prioritize your safety are irrelevant. I hope you make the right choice
I hope you know that it's not too late to get out of your situation. You have every right to leave.
Couldn't agree more with the person who said that your children will be the most forgiving people in your life. We WANT to have good relationships with our parents. We KNOW our parents aren't perfect. We KNOW humans are complicated and everyone has their things to work through. I bet if we polled 1000 people who are NC with their parents, 900 of them would say that all they want is for their parents to apologize, acknowledge that they messed up, and say that they want to learn to be better. It hurts so much to need to remove yourself from your family of origin for your own well-being. That's not what we're built to do. I wish folks realized that before criticizing.
I agree with your sentiment except that words are cheap.
A process of actual atonement is difficult.
Too many except late apologies and half-assed promises or future faking only to get used or abused again later.
The accountability of the first speaker was on point 😮💨😮💨😮💨😮💨😮💨
Growing up, I remember my mom leaving the house for hours. She was gone all the time. When I would call her, she’d defer my calls to voicemail. But somehow, when we were around her she was always on the phone with other people. We’d get in the car excited to tell her about our school day, only for her to stay on the phone for hours. One day she told me “I’m just trying to raise three kids and get them the hell out of my house”. I was 9 and those words cut into my soul. She adopted us, we didn’t ask to be there. Not to mention the horrible, abusive treatment of my siblings. She now wonders why when she calls, her calls go to voicemail. Why everything else in my life seems to be more important. Why I don’t visit now. I’m not even doing these things consciously, it’s just how I am now. I will still look out for my parents in old age, because I do care about them. But I can’t say that we will ever be close. Too late for that.
My dad would always say, "You're just mad because you're not getting the life you wanted," Yep. While he continued to steal my childhood because he felt his was stolen from him and when I confronted him he said, "That's right! And when you have kids you get to steal theirs!" I never had kids.
😲😲😲What your dad said
@@DestinyUteh Ikr?! It's crazy and he's said worse stuff, but the problem with what he said is it's actually true. People give their kids the childhood they always wanted and never had and take their kids to places they wanted to go and never got to go and then get mad at the kids because they don't appreciate what they're doing for them when it is usually something the child never wanted. I think he felt he was sharing life wisdom with me because he was able to verbalize what he saw going on.
That's just horrible 😮
This is always why I'm on the fence about when people say that you should be 'punishing your kids if they misbehave' and 'don't let your children disrespect you'. Are they misbehaving because they're bad kids? Or are they misbehaving because you failed to understand your role and perform your duty as a parent? Kids don't just BECOME bad kids, there is a build up, something leads to them misbehaving which is at least 80% not their fault because they are CHILDREN. They don't know any better without guidance, guidance that you, as the parent, are supposed to give.
And about not 'letting your kid disrespect you'? 9 out of 10 times, children will go on to behave exactly as they have seen demonstrated. If your child is disrespecting you, it's not because they've magically grown a spine and seek to defy you, it's because they've seen this behavior as the norm. They are actively seeing someone they interact with regularly enough, disrespecting others and think that's ok to mimic, because they think that's how they're expected to interact with said people.
Children are sponges, never forget that. Until they hit the age of 9, they likely will absorb and mimic everything around them, and don't you dare point fingers at them for bad behavior, because it all started at the roots. The same roots that gave birth to them.
I ask my daughter all the time. How am I doing as a parent? Sometimes I like what she says and sometimes I don't. It's her perspective that matters.
Proud of you ❤
I agree with this 1000%, but also, some parents get kids better than they deserve. Like they could've been the worst parents but their kids will still stand by them basically enabling them to continue to be terrible but I think those kids are also in a state of trauma that they don't know how to get out of or they don't have the tools to heal the trauma their parents gave them.
Yes. I certainly agree. The sickest thing about this too is they send their children to the same grandparents who abused them as a parent. It’s crazy.
Stockholm Syndrome
Yup
Taken for granted, I was in this state, I gave and gave, but they were never satisfied, so I’ve withdrawn, and they were the same.
“But it was the past and I tried my best!” It’s the past, true, but I’m still paying for their poor choices as an ADULT. Also, if trying your best means putting my needs on the back burner because you didn’t want kids, then you shouldn’t have “tried” to begin with. Children don’t ask to be born into broken households, and under dysfunctional parents. You reap what you sow.
I swear someone somewhere, an inadequate parent came up with that gaslighting phrase "I did my best" and all the parents took that same phrase and keep repeating it ever since, deep down they know it's not true but they bet on the poor memory of Childhood to get away with their lies.
I'm going on 62 years old I had both parents and I still didn't want any children. It takes WORK and SACRAFICE, MONEY and paying attention to them and their needs. If you are NOT able and have unresolved trauma DO NOT have children PERIOD!!!!!!!
So glad to hear from someone who is older and childfree. I agree completely with you. That's why I'll be getting sterilized soon.
I'm the oldest of my siblings and I feel like I was brought into this world to be my mom's caregiver and life-fixer. But I wasn't treated well by her throughout my childhood, teen years, nor young adult life. I had to recover from so much guilt thinking that I was a bad child for not wanting to give her the love and care that she neglected me of.
I've had a childfree mindset since I was single-digit aged. I'm now 29. I am able to focus on my own recovery and healing and self-love to be a better person for myself and others, instead of having someone dependent on me while I'm living with unaddressed trauma as my mom did with me.
Thank you for sharing. It encouraged me to share as well.
Facts. And i hate that most parents are too prideful. There are parents out there right now waiting on their kid to call first to mend things.
I love my paretns. At the same time I cant give them what they want from me. My dad wishes we had a closer relationship and that I would spend more time with him. But when I was little he almost never played with me. I was a very neglected child. Especially emotionally. So dont be surprised fathers when your adult daughters are not eager to visit you. Where were you when your little girl was eager to spend time with you back then?
I'm still under Ma's roof at the moment. Unlike a lot of parents in the comment section, my mother still can't forgive herself for hurting me. I decided to forgive her since...my mom has recognized how much damage she had done once I layed it all out for her since I remember all the things that affect me, even down to 4 years old. I remember all that pain and maybe, once she realized how that ended up harming me more than she realized, she finally stopped shouting, she finally stopped being harsh with her words, she stopped being angry all the time. I'm grateful for that since she saw how bad my mental health was and if she actually lost me, she wouldn't be able to function. Those were her words...~
Now, I'm in school and working~ So, thank god I'm still here, making her proud.
❤❤❤️❤️ I'm happy that things turned around for you guys.
You are one of the lucky few 🥹
You see you talked to your parents so people cut their parents off without that conversation.
@@honestfriend767 I think a lot of people have spoken to their parents but some parents are too stubborn to admit that they did wrong to their child.
Wow admitting you were wrong and trying to change is not easy for us humans. parents can be so wrapped up in their own problems they don't see their kids ( sad as being fully engaged with your kids can distract from focusing on your own problems)
I wonder if this is why some kids grow up to be closer to their aunt or uncle instead of their mom or dad. This is very interesting and will help me have more patience with my mom.
Yes
Agreed! As a child when I sat on my mum's bed she would rudely chase me off it and out of her room. As an adult she is confused as to why I barely go into her room or cuddle up on her bed like the younger siblings. 😵💫🤯
This why I respect those who say they won’t have children. Many parents are narcs enabled by society with the perfect supply
The girl who said she will always support her parents that is a good thing, but I noticed she said, "I don't talk to my parents everyday, but I call them even if it's just to say hello." I wonder if her parents call her and reach out as well? If they only talk when she calls that's odd.
My parents play these same games. That's why we've been estranged for over 2 years.
Yep and even the regular calls just to say hello sound like having to fill the quota otherwise they might ask "how come you didn't call", it sounds more like very subtle guilt tripping and not very genuine, her choice to be in denial wouldn't be such an issue if she didn't post a video basically in some ways invalidating what other people are saying. Also, her being a rebel, any kid being a rebel primarily happens due to family issues but she, like many, might have a fuzzy memory of Childhood and parents usually don't reveal things on their own.
I left when I was 16 because I had to. My mother was on drugs my whole life, I told my school about it when I was 12 and child services threatened her and forced her to change, she changed, but would beat me for everything I did as a teen, like she was making me pay for making her change…so at 16 I couldn’t take anymore the lord put in my path a friend who’s parent was lenient and let me stay and I did. Haven’t been back since, I’m 42 now and been past it.. but she’s still the same and won’t do a thing to fix anything.. oh well..
I love that one woman, who reflected and looked back and said, "Damn... I missed the mark..." There are SO many parents, who need that self-awareness and self-reflection.
As a mom of 3, I 300% agree. One thing to add is you may want to see and be around your grandkids one day. You also, have to treat your children as individuals not as a group.
Treating your children as individuals is ESSENTIAL! Couldn't agree with you more!
Facts, treat people how you want to be treated, simple as that, but parents feel like just because they gave you life you owe them everything, forgiveness without accountability, respect without giving it, unconditional love without giving it.
I grew up parentalized. They set me up to be an adult with no parents so I just made good on it. Its like these types of parents actively deny the fact their child will grow up into an adult the same as them
And the ones disagreeing are the ones who dont have a good enough reason, personally (to themselves), to agree
I do agree which is why my parents are trying harder because they see how serious i am.
Me too. I went no contact. I’m no longer will to stifle myself to keep them happy.
I had an absent father (who swore he took care of all of his children even though he mentioned not being there), and a mother I didn’t realize had some psychological issues that got worse after she married her abuser and had my siblings. She snatched away my childhood because she wouldn’t make the men she slept with step up. She, also, tried to use my life as her second chance or treated me like a mascot (the thing she did right). She groomed me to be obedient and not be a risk taker, so when I started taking them as I aged… she started seeing how different life could be when you try to be brave. Then, my life became a scapegoat for the mess she created in her own life. I have no contact with her now, and I’m doing amazing for it. My health has never been better. Protect your peace, y’all!
I been thinking about going away and never coming back never stay where you unwanted
Did you leave yet?
I did almost 25yrs ago. Never regretted it. 💜💜💜
Man I didn’t realize how true this really is. My nana did a terrible job raising my mother and uncle. And I can see with they both treat her involuntarily is how in relation she treat them when they were younger. And as an adult now I can start to see it in me as well without even meaning it. Whenever I would show my father something I made- he never cared or faked a smile. I always saw through it. Now when he shows me his projects (we’re both artists) I find myself not caring at all. Like none of it is worth caring about. And I’ve always kinda wondered why. But now I guess I know now. But that’s just a small example.
I fully agree. My mom expects to be so important in my life but I felt my life never mattered. She always had problems I was expected to help her solve and I was never able to express my pains or get support with hard things.
On the flipside, some kids are made to feel important but only so they can succeed and it can 1. Look good on the parents (vanity and social competitions) and 2. So they can benefit from the child's success (money, fame, retirement, vacations). It's just another form of conditional love, you're as good as you turn out to be for their benefit.
This is so true . My mom always preoccupied with other people's drama but always told me that i was looking for attention whilst going through a deep depression.
Now ive gone no contact for 10 years .
Im ignoring her like she ingnored me.
I feel this way about my dad. 🤷🏾♀️
No investment, no return
PERFECT COMMENT.SHORT AND SWEET!! 🍭
I’m Gen X who is CF because I didn’t want to pass on the abuse and I wanted to enjoy my life for myself.
Both parents were abusive, and I went NC in 2009, so I didn’t get to have a childhood.
I’m not sure what I’ll do when I get older but I have my own assets at least and can maybe do a Golden Girls thing. ❤
I’m so relieved people are talking about healing generational trauma and holding toxic parents accountable.
Same here! Gen X, child free by choice and rare contact to my parents. They failed to be good parents.
My mom will not accept this... she's 63...my siblings treat her so badly...if im around her its default for me to be like that. Im the one that will completely cut her off. My mama abandoned me on a lot of stuff. She's elderly and none of us are trying to slow our life down to help her...im a real person, i say whats uncomfortable..i told my mama before i got grown, you will be one of the women in a nursing home, don't be surprised when you get there.
So true. My mother was a bit emotionally neglectful when I was growing up. A few years ago I did an apprenticeship course that had me away from home for 4 months. I never called her once.
She called me upset like 2 months in cuz she was upset that I was actively reaching out & updating other relatives & family friends but had never called her even once. I realised it was cuz she'd never really cared for anything I had to say growing up. She just never wanted to listen to me.
I think that was an eye opener for her. She's really put in the effort to build more of an emotional connection with me, our relationship is way better now than it was throughout my whole childhood.
Oh i bet over 50% of mothers and fathers and family treat their children horribly.
I never understand why people say "having kids is your omly goal in life" when most people dont deserve to have children.
Alot of people who say that are narcissists. They look at their children as little extentions of themselves instead of individuals. I've literally heard people - especially men - say they wanted children so a little piece of themselves can live on forever! That is NOT an appropriate reason to bring a child into the world!
💯 as an adult seeing my parents as individuals not just mum and dad
I realised i don’t even like em 😂 I would not befriend them as their age mate
My mom wasn't a horrible person, but I was fully aware that a part of her saw me as property, not as a separate being. So, while we were crazy about one another, there were definitely times where she wanted something from me and my attitude was, "why should I?" It wasn't on everything she asked of me because she was always grateful. But, there were some stuff that were very selfish and it seems she didn't consider my feelings. Without going into details, I'll just say that she married my dad not out of love but to escape her home. I have a feeling she was one of those women who have kids to have love, and one of those that don't understand how you are supposed to raise children and teach them, and not just have them as possessions. EDIT: My mom finally got a little bit of what I tried to tell her for many years. That I didn't feel seen as just a person. She took me out to lunch and apologized. She still didn't quite understand all of what I was saying, but I think she got the gist of it. She was abandoned by her mom and raised by her dad's sister who were strict. But, she loved them because they were all she knew. They loved her, too, but didn't spare the excessive rod, so to speak. So, she and I saw life a differently, but she was a great mom still.
I just had this conversation with my bestie in January!!! I am very short and impatient with my dad. He was a horrible parent growing up. He made me feel like I was an annoyance, and I was a kid. A kid who wanted some love and affection from my dad. As an adult, I don't really deal with him, and when he's around, I feel vexed in my spirit. I used to feel bad about it in the past, from time to time. After recently realizing that I treat him how he treated me, I've settled in that. I don't think that I want a relationship with him. He's entitled, manipulative, and doesn't respect boundaries. I think I'll love him from a distance, but I agree with this!
I think that for some parents once the child is old enough to call them out, the parent feels like it is too late already for corrections and now it just feels like guilt burden.
It may be late as in lots of things already happened but that's no reason to leave it as it is, there is merit in doing the right thing eventually even if it's to genuinely apologize, and validate the kids struggles and move forward however the kid is comfortable with but this time with the parent trying way more to be better.
My mom is feeling this now, 5 kids that can barely tolerate her.
I struggle to get along with my mother and don’t really care for her as a mother or a person especially, she had a lot of abuse and trauma and instead of getting help she decided to gaslight us at every chance, put my siblings and I against each other, and project her insecurities onto us.
My mother believes since we weren’t dirt poor like she was, she doesn’t have a drinking problem, and she doesn’t use a belt like her parents she’s suddenly a saint.
I guess that must be true because I gave everything I had to take care of my grandmother in our home when she became infirm, and when I got together with my husband I had him understand from the beginning that I would always be there for my grandmother, and he understood and agreed. My grandmother stepped in when my parents were unable to be the parents they should have been. I was so blessed that I had her❣️❣️❣️
This is how I feel about my grandmother God rest her soul. She would shield me from my mother’s verbal abuse, and mood swings, and would explain to me what was happening because as a child, I was so confused. I felt like my mother just didn’t like me because I look so much like my father.. my grandmother was my guardian angel.🙏🏽🙏🏽❤️❤️
@@nikjalik03 God bless a good grandma, aunty, grandpa or any loving surrogate that steps in to live and provide for a child in need.❤️❤️
Totally agree, how your kids treat you is a direct reflection of how you made them feel when they needed you
I wish I could like this a million times. I’m healing myself for my daughter
Emotional support is the big one I see missing between kids and parents that leads to this situation. The parents think feelings and thoughts are things that just naturally happen as they should and it is what it is, instead of teaching coping skills and how to grow.
It's amazes me (In a terrible way) that there are so many parents/families that are this toxic and rotten to the core :(. There are great parents/families out there-Just a shame they are far and few. I understand unresolved traumas can have devastating effects, but people MUST realize that lashing out your negative emotions and not getting professional help gives no one the rights to perpetuate the vicious cycle. Props to those who are working through their traumas and to those showing their children love; compassion; and understanding.
Man this resonated with me so deeply, I remember my mom would leave to go with her friends and leave the house with 4 day old pizza and nothing cooked. I even vividly remember going to the kitchen and not having a can opener, so what did I do? I used a knife to cut it open and help me and my disabled brother eat. Also I really didn’t have a father, so my grandparents raised me thank goodness for that
I stay away from my mother because she taught me to not need her. She taught me to not ask her for anything and that my children were my responsibility. I was abused and neglected as well. When I had children I kept them away from her and I keep them safe, loved and aware.
Wow! I must have been a better mom than I thought. My kids treat me amazingly. I am truly blessed. My husband, their father, died a couple of years ago and it was hard. The kids were wonderful in helping me start the grief journey.
I agree. Children shouldn’t be expected to give to their parents what their parents never gave them in the first place. Respect is earned.
I 1000% agree with her. A lot of my family will be like why don’t you call me, when can I see you blah blah blah..... But they don’t remember all the nights that I slept outside apparently? When they kicked me out at 18.I literally was working full-time too, and was doing what I was supposed to be doing at that age. I couldn’t go to school, because I didn’t have a way to get there and they refused to help me. I ended up losing my job, because I had to go to a city where I could get services, and became homeless.
It is so strange now too, because when I don’t contact them for a while, they actually act like they’re worried. They weren’t too worried when they were ignoring my calls when I was sleeping outside, and begging them to buy me a pizza. They weren’t too worried when I was outside sleeping in the snow, I’ve literally slept and -20° weather before 💀
I’m 28 now, and I’ve come to the conclusion that my parents don’t love me, they love the idea of me. They don’t even know who I am as a person, because they don’t even try. I’m grateful I at least have my paternal grandmother + maternal Papo (grandpa)in my life. They actually see me,for me.
I feel this... my mom was honestly a GREAT mom while I was a minor...not perfect but great, she was a young mother. But once my sister and I hit adulthood, that's where the disconnect happened. She often feels that even as adults we were still bound and treated like children, held back from opportunities, and even obligated to give her anything and everything she wants simply because "I gave up everything to raise you" type of attitude. It makes zero damn sense to have more freedoms of actions and speech as a child/teen than you do as a grown ass woman!! 😒
This is not about laying blame. It is about recognizing and breaking old patterns that often go back for generations. Sometimes, that requires breaking away from family members who aren't willing to change their behavior. I had to stop talking to my family for my own mental health and to improve the quality of relationships of other people in life.
My daughters are 29 and 32. I was a hot head parent - spankings were common and screaming. I was heavy handed many times. I bwasbunder a lot of stress, going to school, raising 2 girls. I have told them I am sorry many times. I have helped them get through college ( something my parents never did for me). They are both successful- one is physician assistant the other is a registered nurse. I have tremendous guilt, yet they still love me- I don’t deserve them really. I had a horrible childhood and I took it out of them. I talk to them everyday and support them in every way, but raising them was hell on them.
Sometimes all a person wants is an apology .
"would i befriend you?" "No". Thank you, King.
When I see people say oh my mama made me do homework that’s not bad. The real is being so scared to go home cause you don’t know if you are going to get beaten. Getting your lip busted over vanilla wafers cause they are counted. Being told you are nothing and you too black cause your mother was a colorist to her child not the men she went after. I agree cause when I was finally able to leave I left I tried to still help but would be talked to bad for being there. I moved to another state and she ended up alone with no one there for her cause how she treated not only me but also my sister. I do miss her but don’t miss the abuse I endured in my childhood into my adulthood. I forgive her but I still cry cause it’s hard to forget.
I wish you much healing love, no one should go through that❤❤❤
@@butterflyangel75 thank you I’m working through my trauma and getting better.🫶🏾
I am so sorry. That was horrible to read. I wish I could adopt you or something. You deserve a mother who loves you. ❤
@@bunnykatsoracle3275 thank you for that 🫶🏾🫶🏾
It really sucks when we try to discuss our problems to "normal" people who grew up with "normal" parents and they dismiss us as spoiled, bratty, and ungrateful because they assume our problems with our parents are along the lines of "they made me do homework" or "they didn't let me go party as a teen". If only it were that petty! If anything, I feel resentful for my parents not pushing me enough academically, especially in high school where it was extremely important. They thought saying things like "Do your homework" at random times and with no emotion, like an automated chatbot would, was enough. Nothing about how to prepare for college, just "Make sure you prepare for college". I didn't even realize until 13+ years after I graduated from college that my parents were supposed to help me with the selection and application process, never mind that I picked my degree and school simply on the bases of "this degree won't make my mom cry about how I'm not feminine enough, she would be happy with it" and "this school is close enough that it won't make my mom cry, even though I really want to go out of state or even out of the country". That's how bad the manipulation gets.
Even worse when you were never physically abused, just mentally/emotionally, so you have no physical scars, and your parents already convinced everyone that could help you that if you bring up anything negative about them, it's just "for attention" and you're exaggerating things/lying because "that's what kids do". I can't even count how many people lost trust in me after my parents convinced them I was lying, even indirectly, as in cases where they made me purposefully late/would not allow me to go to events I had already committed myself to. Made me look flaky as hell when I am the complete opposite. Funny how I have never had any last-minute "emergencies" or been late for reasons other than traffic/public transit failure as an adult.
Society needs to understand narcissistic parents and family systems, and the children that come from them.
My mom disowned me 10 years ago, when I called her out on her hypocrisy. I’ve reached out a couple of times, but no reply. I have a much better relationship with my children than I used to, but it’s because I OWNED MY SH*T! I’ve apologized profusely for my irrational behavior while raising them. They are very understanding, and realize the trauma from growing up, continued with their dad. They have nothing to do with him, as he only contacts them when his new wife puts him up to it. I’m grateful for the awareness I’ve gained about myself, so I can make the necessary changes!
I used to visit my older aunt every time I came home from college. I knew she was lonely and up in age. I stopped by her house on the way back to school and i walked in her place. She lifted my dress up to see under my dress in front of everyone. I could not believe she did that. It still bothers me. I haven’t visited her since. Now she can’t move around by herself and needs someone to live with her and I absolutely refuse. I will not do it.
Destiny than you for always posting relevant content. This was right on time.
Thank you 🙏🏾
Ooff this one cut deep... I especially liked the last lady, who spoke about her grandmother - sounds like she did SO MUCH healing... It's inspiring 🥺
Thank you Destiny for sharing your story , being the person who breaks the generational curses and traumas in your family is never easy but always BRAVE. ❤
I'm 56 now. My sister is ten months younger. My brother is seven years younger then me. My mom had a lot of siblings and they grew up poor on a farm in Ireland. My mom left that home to go live with an aunt in town. My mom came here to the states when she was real young. In her 20's from abuse she suffered. My sister and I shared a room growing up. I am the same as I was as a kid. My sister is the same now as she was as a kid personality wise. I am a nite owl. I am a creative. I loved staying up late listening to the radio. My sister went to bed early so she constantly screamed to my mom so and so has the tv on or so and so has the radio or light on or whatever. My brother explained it to me a few months back that in her mind us kids weren't being abused the way she was so everything, everyone should be fine and what are we complaining about. Meanwhile we had a whole other room in the house that they used as a dining room what once or twice a year for the holidays that could have been one of our bedrooms. It's the day to day for years of not having your parents sit down with us to figure out why us two couldn't get along. The daily screaming. The door slamming. We had a mirror on the back of the bedroom door that on one morning screaming match cracked and a whole huge corner of the mirror cracked off and got stuck in my sisters shoulder. She had to go to the er. It's the day in and day out of your parent not seeing how your children are not one entity. We are different people with different needs where my sister was the one that was always believed and I was the one that was always punished. As a Gen X yes we worked early. I delivered the penny saver and had a paper route that allowed me to buy things for myself like teen beat magazine. I'd come home and everything I'd buy was always thrown out. The day to day of never knowing what mood my parents would be in when I'd come home. The day in and day out of anger and screaming and hitting for no reason. The day in and day out of never being spoken to like I mattered. I was always ordered what to do. I mentioned in a comment on another of Destiny's vid that I had to go no contact with my dad four years ago. I shouldn't have anxiety and stutter and stammer with my dad at 50 when I try to have some type of relationship with my dad and try to keep the conversation light so I'd talk about stupid stuff like what I did one day at my job or the weather and within five minutes he's standing up hoovering over me with that narcissistic rage. I swear seeking therapy should be federally mandated before two people decide to get married. My parents were two people that really shouldn't not have had kids. Our whole family is fucked up due to I don't talk my dad or my sister. My brother doesn't talk to my sister.
I needed to hear this.
I had a similar conversation today with a woman that I work with.
It was under the context of parents sticking their disabled children in a home instead of taking care of them themselves.
That led into the conversation of how I am way more harsh with parents who give up on their kids, more than I am on kids who give up on their parents.
For the simple fact that parents choose to have kids. Kids do not get the choice to be born.
As a parent, your kids are not an extension of you and how "perfect" or problemless you think life should be.
A parent has no right to expect that when a kid is grown, that they will turn around and help them. You hope they will, but it's not a guarantee, no matter how good a parent you were. You brought life into this world and did everything in your power to help that life get to where it's at. That's your job as a parent. After that, you're still an adult, expected to do the best you can to continue providing for yourself, while the life you created deals with their own.
That is the true sacrifice of being a parent. And it"s not for everybody. And that's okay.
That statement speaks true. At least for my dad. Dad abandoned me and my mom for a trophy wife. When I was forced to try and "recognize" her as my "new mother" at their wedding, I said no. Now who in their right mind makes "special vows" directed at the kid? No one sane that I know. Also his trophy wife never liked me at all. So why should I consider her my mother? My dad's side of the family, and trophy wife's family, were a bunch of idiots.
When we cut contact, he told my mom that if I ever wanted to speak to him, I basically had to come crawling back to him sobbing like some pathetic worm. Having dealt with many abusive friends and a transphobic ex wife, I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of doing that. He disowned me for being disabled and abandoned me because he didn't want to care for an autistic child with life-threatening brain conditions. So why should I bend over backwards??? Makes no sense.
Weird that when he died in 2021, I was not informed by anyone. I got informed by a life insurance paper. ....wow. can't even have the balls to apologize to me in death. I guess it "makes up" for the house you stole and sold out from me and my mom when I was a child. Oh wait....it doesn't. What I was given can't even afford a good house in today's market. Where's the money he and his rich ass trophy wife had?
Don't have kids if you are a selfish asshole. Especially if your kids end up being born with disabilities. And if you treat them like how my father treated me, they will resent you until the day you die. We as disabled folk didn't ask to be here. It's the fault of our mothers and fathers who selfishly brought us into this world.