That particular advice spoke volumes to me too. People who procrastinate but don't follow through are very difficult to believe in and trust. Very difficult if you have a partner who does this, especially if they have betrayed you !
@@Shotzcf no. They don't mean ignore them completely and be unresponsive. Just don't fall for their "loving/caring" words. It's just meant to confuse you and keep you with them. But their actions are always going to be truer than the things they say.
I’m 62 and I’m so done dealing with my husband and his stone walling me or calling me a B..ch or flipping me off. This is the year that I leave, and Not come back . I so hope and pray I can make it on my own. I think it’ll be great! My part time job will be a full time job. I’m so looking forward to being happy after 30 years. 🙏🏻❤️🌻
I can relate was married for 20 years been divorced over 10. The abusive x assured me I could not make it outside that toxic relationship. Absolutely not true. All the cognitive dissonance and crazy making naturally subsides. We recover any material losses and heal emotionally. The real bonus is we no longer have to spend all our conscious time trying to figure these people out. Instead of black and white we live life in 3D now.
Don’t waste 1 more minute - not 1 more second than you absolutely have to. Stay well and garner support so you can stay strong in the face of the separation. Stay safe. If it’s been this long, they take for granted that you won’t support your boundaries.
My husband of 14 years has just divorced me....me kicking screaming begging and crying for him NOT to do this to us. I have loved him so so much. I have tried so hard. I can see where i even have self sabatoged because i always knew he wouldnt stick with it. But i was in such a horrible first marriage (19yrs) that i only wanted a man who was KIND! Not rich, good looking etc...just kind and of course...loved me. I first discovered Narcissism due to mine and my mother's problems. It was like a light bulb turned on because she and I had the strangest relationship and I could not put my finger on it. I never even let my head go to my marriage having this issue. It was way too much to come to terms with. But WOW he has been text book narc killing me for quite awhile. I have always felt like a little girl saying "mommy watch me dance. Aint i pretty? Arent you proud of me? Dont you love me?" I was doing the exact same with both marriages. I have 2 sons...i tend to stay out of their life more than i want to because my mother has been in mine and destroyed ...or almost did...me. i love my 2 sons so much. I feel loved by them but they dont take me seriously. I feel like they have no idea what it has been like. And they really do not like "drama" when i try to explain it. Im still in the marital home...his home...because i do not even know how to start again or where to go. No job either. He drives OTR so i didnt know why he insisted on the paperwork. Hasnt thrown me out yet. Sex life has been and still is the best its ever been ...for him too. Its crazy. Im ready to leave. I will SURVIVE! I love the Lord and I still look pretty good for 59. Thanks to who ever reads this. Love you all....whomever you are!
The silence teaches you how being alone feels. So when you are alone, it isn't nearly as painful. But the person making you feel that loneliness doesn't realize that they are helping you to be comfortable in their absence.
Wow , so true. My ex of eight years would give me the silent treatment often. There were times where I wanted it to end but it was a tiny idea in the back of my head that I couldn’t fully think of yet
True. But you achieve that after some time being in a toxic relationship. Before it only makes you feel worse because you are a happy person and you want to reconnect, but you don't know what you did wrong, replaying all the scenarios over and over again.
NUMBER 8 led to this comment: I have to say that the silent treatment in my case was done because of years of being unable to be vulnerable with my spouse. EVERY time I brought up a hurt it was turned back onto me. If there ever was and apology it was an angry apology and she would give me the silent treatment afterwards. I stopped be vulnerable which led to the “silent treatment”. I was done becoming vulnerable and having it thrown back into my face. Destroyed my mental health. I don’t feel guilty about it.
@@illi6188 Exactly this. The “silent treatment” is intentional act, and it’s emotional abuse. _Silence…_ shutting down… that is a trauma response. It can even get to the point of dissociation. Now, with that said… if it’s become something so ingrained that it carries over and it’s affecting future relationships, then it’s something that needs to be addressed. Just because something isn’t necessarily abusive doesn’t keep it from being hurtful.
Watching this with tears rolling down my cheeks. This sh*t hurts like hell. Thinking of all of us who had to go through this hell and find the exit sign.
After I was *finally* able to get myself to leave, the longer I was away, the more I realized just how much those behaviors changed and harmed me. It was subtle sometimes and big others, but he always denied it, and I felt crazy and lost all trust in myself of knowing what was right in front of me. I couldn’t have imagined how free and happy I would be without him!
♥️ it’s a nightmare for sure… I did it for 2, 15 year relationships😵💫 an 8 year that literally brought me to my knees, excruciating agony with all the horrible tactics of gaslighting, put downs, push pull, screaming then loving, hateful glares, cheating… the silent treatment destroyed me!!! Horrible 😖omg I thought I was going to die… it took me years to heal… but education, and no contact!!! It works because it clears the fog, as time goes by without their evil energy inside you, you become you again, and you can see clearly! You have Aha moments of such clarity! And you never want to go back and feel that pain again!! Even if you miss them, the relief of not having to feel the emotional agony is worth not being with them…I’m doing great now, finally, and I’m so educated with this… you’ll get better love ❤️ I promise!!!!!!!!💥🙏🏻💖
@@slgreetings Hi Mary. Firstly I am so proud of you that you found the exit sign and shared your story with us. I'm happy to hear how someone's doing on the other side of this pain. And I'm sorry to hear how much you had to endure..no one...no one deserves to go through this. Kudos to all of us who keep on keeping on 👏👏👏
Lying was the one thing I never thought I would have to face when I met my ex. To hear him talk to his mother and realize I was not like his ex, I just never thought it would, or could, happen. Then to find it so prominent after getting married, not only lying but cheating as well, prompted me to question so many things I felt I should have and didn't. How could I be so naive?? For 19 years I doubted most of what he told me. Many times, he was being truthful but I couldn't give him credit due to the history and the continuation of his sometimes lies. How can I get over this? I feel as though I am being lied to by those I meet and try to start again, or there is an ulterior motive. This really sucks. I don't want to "assume" it will happen but I do.
@@brendaengelbrecht5670 he lies because he's afraid of you. that's the problem. in the past, you have been harsh on him for making mistakes and since then, he is not willing to submit himself again to your judgement. he cheats on you because you're not the woman he wants to be with, deep down. You are in his life because he needs to fix some issues with other people from his past that behaved like you do. But you are not the person he feels happy too or he may believe he doesn't deserve you so he's sabotaging his own relationship.
If he is caught lying about the same thing over and over, then says that is the only thing he has lied to me about, I'm having a hard time believing him.
I wish I was able to do that. I want out. I was making plans but when he found Lund he quit his job. He's the sole bread winner because I'm disabled, so now we can't afford to.😢😢😢😢
@@connecticut730 why do people think it’s BETTER to stay in a miserable marriage “for the kids”??? Do you REALLY think the kids don’t know you’re miserable 😅 THEY DO, I PROMISE 😉
I think there's a big difference between the silent treatment and knowing when to walk away from a non-productive discussion. If the other person is interrupting, minimizing, diverting, acting immature, etc. I usually stop talking and/or set a boundary.
Yes! You are perfectly right. Actually, I prefer that the narcissisist give me the silent treatment rather than when he blathers on and on like a prosecuting attorney, ( bad ) news broadcaster, gossip columnist etc.
But if this is the norm in the relationship and issues go unresolved, it's toxic. If it's a tool that lets you cool off so you can resolve it later, that's different.
@@JanetSmith900 Read the comment again. "If the other person is interrupting, minimizing, diverting, acting immature, etc. I usually stop talking and/or set a boundary." it is not up to one person to carry the entire relationship and keep resolving on behalf of their partner.
They want you to walk away. That’s usually why they do it. Even if you set a boundary the issue may never get resolved because they have learned their toxic behavior gets them what they want.
yeah i could be guilty of the silent treatment - but not as some tactic - it is more a matter of being fearful of what I might say in response and so the better choice is to refrain .
Also when your partner is addicted to social media and constantly on their phones , at meal times, in bed , When your talking to them and they ignore you because they have their head in their phones It’s a marriage killer
Deadass so true. My partner does this to me and has for the past 6 years no matter how many times I've told him it hurts me. He won't even look at me when I tell him this shit. He just looks at his fucking phone! He even admitted to me that he's a addicted to it. It hurts me so much. It's killing our relationship. I don't think I can continue it further.
What really sucks is when you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t, ALWAYS being blamed for whatever happened or didn’t happen. You cannot win with these people who are not honest with themselves about their own issues, all the while brining out the worst in you.
Yes being treated with no respect on a day to day and weekly basis made me feel worthless and turned me moody and growchy..I will never put up with coming second ever !
Can relate to that! 😢 When they constantly blame you for things, you often find a pattern. They look for a scapegoat for their own failures! So, blaming the other person somehow absolves then of any responsibility on their part. It shows a complete lack of maturity and consideration towards you. Just walk out of the room whenever they walk in. Don’t engage in conversation unless it’s absolutely essential.
Unfortunately, I was raised by one narc parent (who really ‘narced’ on my step-parent pretty badly) and my birth parent is an over-the-top narc. I have known nothing else my whole life and the learned dysfunction has seen me in two failed narc marriages (and a third that I am still in after 28 years). A whole life of this has rendered me physically and mentally disabled, emotionally and socially stunted due to all the physical and psychological abuse. As my therapist says, I/you deserve to be happy but I don’t know what happy looks like for me. If I could tell my younger self anything, it would be - listen to the soft voice telling you that things aren’t right, stop blaming yourself and forgive yourself because you tried to resist the narc, get out / stay away and get help NOW. You/we are worth the effort.
sometimes silence comes from shock, when such unbelievable, insane, hurtful behaviors are happening and you don’t know how to react you can’t react because the situation is too insane and to say that selfish is not an expensive view. Not everyone is silent because they’re manipulating. sometimes they’re silent because they’re scared. They’re traumatized. They’re in disbelief. It’s an intrinsic instinct of feeling unsafe, that words will entangle you even deeper in a scary situation, that you no longer want to be a part of .
you have to know the "context" of the situation because withdrawing and giving someone the silent treatment can be from like you said, their inability to communicate, ignoring your opinions and invalidating you, making you the problem. I mean what do you do or say to that person? NOTHING, THEREFORE THE SILENCE. Therapist, you should make this distinction in your videos. Also, its not snooping if you are trying to find out what is going on in your marriage/relationship and why people are acting in a certain way that is causing harm to you and the relationship.
you know what, i wholeheartedly agree. it’s sad how many parents fail to teach their kids respect for others (and for themselves!) and this would help prevent a lot of bad relationships and in turn prevent a lot of unplanned babies where the parents can’t teach them basic respect such as this
Took me 19 years to get away from this behaviour. So glad I finally did! Every day is a blessing now, rather than a confusing, distressing, undermining, lonely, exhausting manipulation.
Funny that it took me exactly 19 years to find the exit sign, and unfortunately another 15 to understand that I wasn’t the problem and now I just feel that it is too late to start again because I am 56 years . I just feel like I wasted my life away, and I feel lonely too as my children are grown ups and too busy with their own lives 🥺 Edited for typos
@@neusaleek7673 56 or any age isn’t too late! I’m 75 and I’m seeing the signs in this new marriage of 14 months that we are not only “oil and water@- we don’t mix well. I remember after a few months of knowing him he stood me up on my birthday- huge red flag! I should have cut any relationship Hope’s off right then. I , stupidly forgave, overlooked that horrible behavior and the next year married him. What a huge mistake! Old bachelors don’t change they just drive you crazy and you want to die. If you have a way to live apart- don’t waste your life. 56 and is a great age, or any age is great to f you can walk away and believe me they’ll find some other woman really fast to replace you. You weren’t special, just a place holder to fill in the cracks when they had a little time for you. Have a support system of people, churches have free counseling sessions that are really good, imagine your life without being with him. Then, while you get a job, find a place to stay, maybe sign up for a college class- great for keeping your mind busy and begin to stone by stone build your new life without him. In a year of wise, methodical planning with action you’ll see your standing up for yourself and you’ll be proud. After you’ve made your way with standing firm into a healthy life- you can encourage others to get healthy lives.JESUS wants you to love yourself.
I have no regrets when I say that I went through that person's phone and emails to find some sense of reality and break free from the gaslighting and abuse. By seeing all the crap they were hiding from me, the cheating, the lies, the way they were referring to me to others, I was finally able to leave and of course I went straight to therapy. But going through your partner's private stuff is sometimes your only window to seeing who they actually are, and your only chance to make an informed decision.
When I went trough my GF messages. I already had lot of other proof that I am being played and lied to. Our shared friends told me that there is something weird in the way my GF was talking about me behind my back and also what I told my friends about the relationship status they were hearing very different kind of picture from my GF storys about our life. There was long chats with a friend about me on the phone where my GF spoke so badly about me and literally tought I was just stupid or something. I will say that I was so sure about the fact that she was playing me so that gave me the motive to check so I also wanted to keep my psyche in check that in the future I do not need to see messages. I will know if I am in the same situation in future without ever going so far and checking the messages. I also understand that in most situation it is very wrong to go check those messages. This was just an exception for me and I am glad I did it. I do not recommend going to check unless you just want to see with your own eyes and avoid the fight and just leave this toxic situation.
I am silent because anything I say is weaponized against me. Anything I say can and will be used against me. Besides the fact that Anything I say is dismissed or I am cut off and not allowed to say what I want. To me, this is not silent treatment, it means I have been silenced.
I get this. I go silent because he doesn’t listen and doesn’t want to listen to any of my thoughts or opinions. What’s the point? He will do what he wants with out a care of my feelings. 38 years
@@grandmaboswell1007Totally agree with this! It’s not the silent treatment: it’s just giving up. If I become silent, it’s because I feel defeated. 35 years
I go silent because of the consequences if I don’t. Then he is mad that I am silent. Reality? I am anxious and afraid and feel sick and dread knowing it will go on for hours. Sometimes days.
I agree. All of these things remind me of all the ways my friends and their partners in high school acted towards each other. What a great class this would be
I was on here going through profiles and so luckily i came across your marvelous and charming picture of you,which really drew my attention to get in touch with you and also i really love your profile. i believe by God Grace you and your lovely family are protect and safe from what the enemy as plan towards you, Our Father in heaven sees everything He will make sure the devil plan fail upon you and your family Amen
The silent treatment can also be because you express your feelings and they continue to be shot down and not taken seriously by your partner. So you then just put up your walls and decide to disengage to protect yourself .
Exactly 💯!!! You give up voicing your opinion/feelings and it falls on dead ears. Why even proceed to repeat yourself like a parrot. For example, you ask them for respect and they constantly disrespect you... Walk away and give yourself peace!
@@GypsyQueen-w9eand if it is a calm and chilled tone? If you express that you feel lonely and would like to spend more time with them and need more attention, but they tell you no you don’t? “You wouldn’t like it if it gave you more attention.” And you have tried for 18 years?
Me too. But I'm not. Him 9/9. Me 1/9. Yes, I stay silent when the fight is picked. So he says I'm giving the silent treatment. In reality, I'm terrified. Been hit enough.
I'm so sorry to hear of everyone's experiences. It has surprised me how many people are here saying about it taking decades to see the signs, as I felt pretty alone with this. It has taken me 20 years! I'm 37 now and have been separated from my abusive husband for about 3 months. I just discovered something devastating on new years eve and it's put me back a lot. I have been trying hard to thrive and be myself without daily criticisms, abuse and silent treatment. I will pick myself up again, just as will you. I just can't believe I made so many excuses for him. Never again. Sending good vibes to everyone here. It's never too late to start a new life free from someone who didn't know how to value you. You are worthy of respect and proper love.
I'm there. I am right there. It didn't take twenty years but I have been in one long exhausting contention for almost ten now and I'm spent but holding onto my pride by holding on to what I believed was true about him. I still want what he sold me to be true and not what I see
I'm going through this too. I will tell you the longer you are away you're going to go through a crazy transformation with yourself. Focus on you, get hobbies, make yourself happy and enjoy being away.
Yep, 22 years it took, I'm firing up the solicitor tomorrow. The partner crossed the line I set months ago and I told her 'that's it', now she's dishing out the silence treatment again, it's not affecting me anymore. I just want to get rid of her asap now and end this childish disrespectful situation I'm in.
You deserve to be with someone who has complete respect for you (your soul mate)… the relationships that work longest aren’t the ones who never argue, but those who learn to communicate effectively when arguing! 🙏🏽❤️
El día que por fin os deis por enterados que no se inglés será increíble a vosotros se os dicen las cosas y os entra por un oído y sale por otro a y dad por echo que no voy a estar nunca ni en el mimo continente que tú y quien os haya dicho que yo voy a ir a usa o nada parecido os mentía sabiéndolo porque nunca pisaré otro país que al que pertenezco españa
No es una idea adsurda si no es Mel quien se niega lo hago yo solo falta que les ronpais el amor que se tenga yo solo me enamore una vez pero de una forma profunda y se que no volveré a sentir algo tan fuerte nunca por eso no me he molestado en buscar pareja eso es imposible que suceda dos veces en la vida ya es difícil una pero me basta para toda la vida no necesito más y no voy a ir allí son simplemente echos es loque pasara
Doesn't matter culture nor religion nor political views most seek comfort and support to also comfort and support as the relationship and persons progress into something better than what it began (prenups especially with no fault divorce)
I initially clicked on this video to see if my partner was the problem, but now I see I actually have some issues that I need to work through. I found myself saying “he doesn’t do that but it sounds more like me” and I realized I have a lot I need to work on. Thank you for this.
I used to give the silent treatment because I was afraid to answer any questions that he would ask. My answers were always wrong. I would get flustered. It became my protection from the gas lighting and narcisstic behaviour.
That is totally different and wish Mel had covered that distinction. Distancing yourself to protect from harmful behavior is not "the silent treatment."
So often the silen treatment is the result of abuse and intimidation. the talk about the silent treatment here is way off base. create an environment of non judgement and this defense mechanism will open up like a flower. this person has probably hit this wall too many times and is being used as bait. therefore the silence. no trust in the reaction. too many times this person needs desparately to be able to open up but has been shut down by some circumstance or needs time and patience in order to feel through their feelings. bad advice here
@@maryhogan5487 That isn’t the silent treatment. The silent treatment is using silence as a weapon and refusing to talk. The intent is to “punish” the other person.
@@maryhogan5487 PERFECTLY said! It is so frustrating to be accused of giving the silent treatment when that's not what you're doing AT ALL!!! You have to protect yourself from the backlash and manipulation.
As a man and father, in guilty of some of these things and I have worked on being better..... I have so been a victim of many of these things... some of those led to our relationship to break...but I hold nothing against her. Thanks for this. Wish everyone a healthy and meaningful relationship....
When it is your own family , you realize where you learned to tolerate very toxic behavior. Learning to value yourself and set up boundaries is the only way to survive until you find your exit strategy. Thank you for sharing all the helpful information.
You are precisely right. I've been doing this for the last couple of years and hard to believe the peace clarity and order. The time we wasted coddling and burping those babies. The good news is all of that time goes back into our personal accounts to use how we want.
I’m here for the same reason. (Dysfunctional childhood, etc.). I failed most 😞 BUT now I know what to work on! I plan on showing partner too, and he can probably squeeze in more negative behaviors I’m unaware of! 😂
I was with someone with almost all these signs !! This is per evil !! Prayer is what set me free and thank you for the video this is so much confirmation needed ❤
What you say is true. You should never compromise your principles but is it disrespecting your spouse to confront them about their bad behavior. I don't think so.
1. They lie to you 2. They give you the silent treatment 3. They use your insecurities against you 4. No name calling 5. They interrupt when you are talking 6. They are controlling or crazy jealous 7. They make big decisions without you 8. Your partner tells you how you are supposed to feel or they ignore your feelings 9. Your partner ignores your boundaries
You wannna hear something, is met another level of narccist. She did none of this. She lied and ignored boundaries cause we were in a long distance relationship
It's the toughest & most damaging thing a person that says they "love you" is to tell lies. It messes you up in all kind of ways and so hard to come out of. Prayers for everyone going through this.
What builds a happy relationship 1. Awareness; For self & Partner needs having an interest in both. 2. How you deal with conflict; Know how to fight w/respect & how to work through problems. 3. Values; have a vision on how to create your lives 4. Connection behaviors that turn towards one another. Creating an admiration for one another.
The hardest part after being ignored, rejected disrespected, is how to stand up again and be confident to walk through a time of despair. All I believe is that after a storm sun will smile again and amazing things will happen to my life and all these traumatic experiences will fade away time will heal my soul. Thank you for this relevant message it helped me change my perspective in life.
My young son ( 24 just)shot himself in the head last month - ran out in the woods. His girl friend had to pull up back in my driveway with her new boy friend. She was disrespectful. I found out from his friends. His father wasn’t any help either. The girl was living at my place. And cheating. Was a past Buffalo any. Pole dancer. Watch who your kids date. - Allison Norman was her name now lives in fla
Coercive behaviour is another form of trauma to a person - and it is shocking to read how many people become entrapped by it hoping the other person will improve, but they never do.
That's me. 8 years in and now I'm trapped. No friends, no family, no money, no job, no education, no skills. No children and this douche bag told me I'm not even wife material. I am taking a secret online class. I'll be out by this time next year. I hope. It's Feb '24. I pray I'm out by then.
Especially when they tell any and everyone that will listen your mistakes and flaws or worse exaggerate or tell half truths about you,to others behind your back and worse even if they give a half apology wont do anything to try to undue the damage to your reputation or
I talked behind my wife's back because I didn't know what to do. I couldn't handle being interrupted, gaslighted and called horrible things. She would not listen to me, so I began to ask friends and coworkers for advice. Also it was a way of me letting out my feelings so I didn't have a mental breakdown breakdown.
@rightwinger1505 I totally get what you are saying. Sometimes, it's not to destroy the other person's reputation. It's literally to vent all of the hurt you have endured. Mental health and physical health are in trouble because of the toxicity. It's terrifying to be locked in on so many levels: financial, children still at home, physical/mental problems, and no family to lean on- it can be torture. You need an outlet because you can't afford a therapist and are barely alive due to how you have lived for years.
At 74 and after 52 yrs of what I thought was a normal marriage you come along and pop the bubble my gosh thank you I don't know what i can do now but knowledge is power
This is great information. Describes my relationship perfectly. I am on my way out the door, but he continues to act as thought there is nothing wrong. Then he gaslights me to make me feel like none of this is true, and that I am "too sensitive". Thank you for the content!
I’m in the same situation with my 7yr fiancé. He is pushing me further and further out the door and acts like I’m paranoid! Says nothings wrong but is acting very strange like he doesn’t care or doing something behind my back! Silent treatment! 🙏✊
I wish I have had someone telling me all this before I got married. My husband of 25 years used to behave like a dictator and all the red flags were there. Emotional abuse is a serious problem in a relationship. From emotional abuse, physical abuse started. Grabbed me by the neck pushed me so hard against a wall while strangling me is in his words just “a little rough housing not any disrespect or violence.” THANK YOU for posting this video.
Since my father has been so self-sacrificing and so self-effacing, I did not realize that he has also been an extreme dictator demanding that you "sacrifice everything" for him. He really pulled a big one out on us kids.
I wish I knew back then,what I Know Now,after a 31 year marriage that I'm still in currently ! I feel I've Wasted Precious year's of my life,and I Dont know where to start, in trying to get out and move on ! Not having the Financial means to go,makes it that much Harder!
I was on here going through profiles and so luckily i came across your marvelous and charming picture of you,which really drew my attention to get in touch with you and also i really love your profile. i believe by God Grace you and your lovely family are protect and safe from what the enemy as plan towards you, Our Father in heaven sees everything He will make sure the devil plan fail upon you and your family Amen
I was married to a narcissist with all these traits for 15 years. We have three sons together and the oldest, now 22 is quadriplegic from lack of oxygen at birth, which made it more difficult as he refused to help being a machista man from Cuba. The best day of my life was the day the judge stamped the divorce papers almost 9 years ago on Christmas Eve. So much peace being on my own with my Lord as my companion.
Amen!! I’m so glad you leaned on the lord! Make NO man your savior. I to was in a horrible relationship trying to please someone I would have never been good enough for! I called on the lord and he answered! I got out of this relationship with the lords help!!God restored my strength and I made HIM my lord and savior instead of that man!! My life has never been this peaceful! When you know better you do better and you make BETTER DECISIONS!GLORY TO GOD!!Call on the lord people!!!
This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. Big red flags 🚩 I am trying so hard to extrapolate myself from an entanglement. It’s not at all easy, but it’s necessary. THANK YOU Mel
This is on point! My husband was a culprit of many of these things. I had to leave. He got help. 6 months later we started working again. Our relationship has improved so so much- we even wrote a marriage mission statement! Watching this video helped me even check myself- I tend to interrupt my husband when speaking- and I will definitely be working on that! Love you Mel for your no-filter way of sharing 🤓💕
Pues primero se pregunta yo desde luego no de coña me acerco más a semejante nido de víboras es alucinante me indultais me puteais lo que os sale de la polla y aún pensIs que voy a ir allí estáis tontos o que? Por qué debería ir por vuestra simpatía ? Por todos los papeles que ha eis creado o si no voy a la cárcel?,por qué me voy a casar ? Jjj por favor os dije que antes moriré pero haciendo público todo lo que hacéis ya sabéis que me atrevo a contarlo dudáis de que me mataría encantado si con ello destapó lo que sois ? Vosotros mismos no me dais miedo y la tía está no la tocaría ni con un palo jjjj
Nunca me habría prestado a algo así es una farsa que insulta lo más profundo de una relación y no habría permitido que otra persona sufriera por mi y supongo que a Mel tampoco le hizo mucha gracia espero que olvidéis está tontería y sdais muy felicessuerte y riñela muy suave que ella seguro que también sería un saludo
I notice there's a WhatsApp bot on youtube that pops up whenever someone shares something really positive and heartfelt and high vibration. I do not think it's a coincidence.
@@dig1272 Spam doesn't care the topic! Spammers are rampant these days! They are everywhere and it's so annoying! I wish there was a way to stop them or at least control it! Anyway, blessings to everyone! Even spammers, because maybe they could see the error of their ways and stop! 😉
It’s took me 5 years of therapy to even consider the idea my ex husband of 10 years was abusing me with narcissistic tactics. I thought we could always keep a friendship. After 7 years apart, it’s just not possible where I have taken steps to heal and understand my PTSD, but he still acts immature and childish. No contact was the only resolution to say to him. I am DONE and have a nice life without ME. I chose my value, independence and autonomy. I never needed that toxicity in my life, but everything you mentioned I had experienced with him. There was no true love from him. I was his servant to do his cooking, cleaning, then someone he could bully and tear down emotionally.
Stayed married for 13 years dealing with all 9 of these. Next time someone says "Aww I'm sorry you're getting divorced. Can't you work it out?".... I sending them this video. Nailed it, Mel! Thanks! 😆😁🙌
Delicious response! In my first marriage, he tried to get a pastor's wife to get me to return. I told her three words, "He punched me." and she told me that she appreciated my speaking with her. She also told me he desired a leadership position in the church but would have to go through a year of counseling. Idk if he did that.
I have yet to know someone who got married with the intention of getting divorced - it is a horrible experience - but it is not typically fatal. When a bond is that broken it is much better to get out of it .
That's a good one‼️🤣😂 I believe I will do the same damn thing. Hey y'all, after watching this it really convinced me i was right along. hearing what y'all had to say it is really heartbreaking for us to be as old as we are we shouldn't have to put up with lying disrespect name-calling silent treatment ,but yet we still pick up the pieces push through it get our duties done and respect the motherfukers that's disrespecting us .Well this is where it stopped!! He also makes me feel like I'm nothing but a pushy pocket. Yes ladies I did tell him how I feel straight to his face and I mentioned the pocket pussy as well....And his comeback was ...your crazy and why you say crazy shit like that .... and I responded 😒 that's how you make me feel and he gets all mad start justifying everything that I say. The roller coaster that never ends everyday was stuck in the same damn conversation not going nowhere.
1. They keep lying to you, 2. Partner gives you the silent treatment, 3. using your insecurities against you, 4. call your partner names, 5. They always interrupt when you are talking, 6. your partner wont allow you to have independence or privacy, 7. They make big decisions without you, 8. constantly tell you how you supposed to feel instead of validating your feelings, 9. partner ignores your boundaries
If you wanted independence you should have stayed single you got in to a relationship not even knowing it's a partnership a relationship means two people becoming one maybe before criticizing ur partner maybe be honest with your self and be like hey I didn't know that these expectations were expected ina partner ship aka a relationship I don't know I'm not saying your one hundred percent wrong maybe you should do some research and talk to people you can trust and be honest with ur self and ur other half yeah I don't know why you are or were ever in a relationship if u wanted independence you shouldn't have agreed to a relationship I mean I get u have to be self sufficient but independent means without anyone elses input or help just saying good luck to you
I think 1-8 well you have to cross boundries in order for 1 through 8 to occur. Not criticizing just trying to frame it, out loud in writing that way so I can better remember it. 🤙
I typically engage in "the silent treatment" not as a power move or manipulation, but because I'm SO angry, I'm afraid I'll say something that will make the situation even worse than it already is. It's also a protective measure, until my head clears and I can get a grip on what happened and deal with it in a more healthy way. It's my way of trying to establish a boundary, when that person has invaded my boundaries. Your suggestion of saying, "I'm too emotional right now, give me some time to collect myself and we can come together after and talk about it." is a good example of a better alternative. Thanks for a great video.
Thank you for this. My partner does a few of these and I’ve called them out but surprisingly I too exhibit some of these behaviours too and have always said to them it’s not a problem. It shows that I must be held accountable as well.
We learn how to relate, communicate and fight by watching our parents. It’s so unconscious until it’s brought to light. So many thing we don’t mean to say
This is so true. It's not actually anybody's fault, because nobody is aware of the damage that they are doing. Also, healthy role models are like a needle in a haystack. It's extremely difficult to find them and absorb from them
Name calling and lying has been my life. I’m ready to get off this merry go round. This watching me to see if I’m actually going to leave this time and the relief when nothing happens so it’s back to bad behavior. Thanks Mel for helping us see this is not healthy and is reason enough to leave.
After 55 yrs of marriage I can say that marriage is the loneliest place I have ever lived. I’m hoping if I endure to the end, perhaps the next life will be better.
As an almost 31 yo who struggles with finding love I really needed to read this...marriage does not always end loneliness I'm better off alone than with someone who invalidates how I feel I'd rather end up alone and childless than with a toxic man
I read this and it really hit me hard! I am 26 and have been married to the same man for almost 9. It started out great, and then of course life happened. He is going back to work and blames me for it every day, even though it was HIS idea. He says I need a "lesson" as to how much he does when I do appreciate everything he does for our kids and for me. (I will be staying home with the kids and working. Mind you I work overnights and I won't sleep much when he goes back. My MIL will help but she is getting older and has breast cancer so often is tired.) We had a recent argument where I tried a different approach and was silent for 2 days. We ended up arguing again and then talking through things but a few days will do by good and then BOOM, it goes back to square 1 and I feel like my feelings or the things I tell him don't matter. It's a long story and it's too much to type but I think you may understand. I just don't want to live my my life like this where I could possibly be loved the way I want to and feel appreciated. I have killed myself trying to be successful and get to where I want to be financially for my family but I feel like he doesn't appreciate it. He always says "you are where you are because of me" He has done a lot for me but I didn't ask for it and he throws it in my face. I hate it, I am scared to leave and I don't want my young children to have a broken family. It's HARD! God bless you and I hope one day you can be happy before the next life! Praying for you ❤
After years of lies and just being ignored. I just realized I need to be alone and get my life back. I'm ready to be free. I could never have a conversation with him. If I ask about where, when or who. It started a fight and it was because I didn't trust. After finding things from other women including naked pictures, I didn't trust him anymore. Told he was on dating sites.
These signs are so important and so real. I recently broke up with a partner I was in relationship for almost 6 years. I love him so much, so I ignored that he disrespected me by telling me I'm irrational demanding respectful communication from him to myself. Like... I don't know why I stayed so long. I love him, and he has a lot of great personality traits that I admired. But this is not enough. If someone is repeatedly disrespectful, demand of you to explain why do you feel the way you feel and then tells you that your reasoning is not good enough... Run. I was through some emotional hell because I want to fix our relationship and did everything I could. But he is the one who doesn't want to change for better. If he is not willing to do anything, and don't go to a therapy or something... There is probably no help and you need to live. Don't hide the sad truth from yourself, you are going to suffer more if you do
If he's indifferent you disrespected or betrayed him using a TH-cam or suggested test to see if he loves you, I'm that guy that's watched how women ruin relationships taking poor advice.
Yup, stayed with somebody like this over 12 years. I had emotional breakdown from it about 4 years ago, still trying to pick myself up. Being invalidated that long really messed me up.
@@krystalgardiner5591 I'm sorry this happend to you. I wish you'll find your peace. Do you have any emotional support rn? Friends, family, maybe some psychologist?
I've witnessed some relationships where one partner is emotionally immature and attacks , belittling etc, and the only way to get the toxic person to stop attacking and belittling, is for the healthier partner to be quiet. In this instance, being quiet is not toxic behavior, it's trying to get things to calm down. (Every single thing he says is attacked, with toxic gaslighting, so better to be quiet.) That healthy person needs to leave and get out of that toxic relationship when it's safe to do so.
You are right that was me and I left. We have two daughters and I just couldn't stand them watching all the arguments. Once this super Christian woman got started on her fits there was nothing could be said or done to stop her. It was constant.
Exactly. If youve got in an argument and one party starts taking it too far then silent treatment is definitely appropriate. A simple "thats inappropriate, we can talk again once youve calmed down and want to discuss the actual issue." and wait for them to come to you to calmly discuss it.
I had to utilize this tool in order to hold my peace in my last relationship. I got worn out from constantly defending myself & integrity. Ultimately had to ghost her completely.
Right! I would be quiet because I didn't want my daughters exposed to constant bickering and yelling. Once they get started there's not much you can do unless you like to fight too.
#4!!!! Omg this is so on point for me! My girlfriend has done this for 4 years we have been together for 6. She never listened to how I hated hearing her insult me and told her it was belittling. But went on deaf years. And #5 yes!!! Thank you for this video!
I can agree with most of what you say except the “ignoring” statement….the silent treatment can also be a way of removing oneself from a harmful situation ( verbal abuse or simply recognizing your buttons have been pushed and instead of lashing out, the high road is to decompress, deal with ones own trash and then come back to address the previous conversation in a productive and respectful way). Silent treatment can be a power trip and it can also be a way of self care.
I would argue that silence saves you saying the wrong thing plus all the things above, and is also a last resort when every rational, reasonable and a serious attempt at logical argument has failed. I've been there and there is no point in discussing with someone who doesn't want to listen.
I think the “silent treatment” is different than taking a breath or a break from a conversation… you’re talking about two different things. As I understand, the “silent treatment” is a form of manipulation where the person is trying to control the other person, get back at them (make them suffer), or control the outcome of a disagreement. With this form of manipulation, the person is turning away from the other person; they are not trying to connect and reconcile differences. However, it’s completely different and normal when couples decide to take a break from a disagreement because the conversation is getting too tense. That is healthy and working together to work through things in the most peaceful way… And of course, when they are ready, the couple revisits the topic and hopefully comes to a peaceful resolution that strengthens the relationship.
Yes, that is self-care. I do it all the time along with gray rock (being really uninteresting so they don’t want to talk to you) with high narcissistic trait husband.
Actions speak louder than words!! He blames me for crossing boundaries and going in his phone (yes i did, caught him cheating) but he forgot about the boundaries he crossed where you dont cheat on your partner!!! Im the bad guy for finding out
Wow, these are all my past relationships. What an eye opener for me at 50 leaving a 3 year relationship for all the reasons you just explained. I’m proud of myself for leaving. Hurts worse to stay.
I was on here going through profiles and so luckily i came across your marvelous and charming picture of you,which really drew my attention to get in touch with you and also i really love your profile. i believe by God Grace you and your lovely family are protect and safe from what the enemy as plan towards you, Our Father in heaven sees everything He will make sure the devil plan fail upon you and your family Amen
Seek help their is a reason for this may be your are a fixer, and need to see red flags instead of white ones, could go back like me to the ❤way you were raised and by who . Just saying.
I broke off an eight year relationship three months ago and my mouth is open as you said nearly all these points. I wish I knew the signs earlier and didn’t just believe his “This was the last time” and “I’m going to change.” Thank you so much for posting this and look forward to watching more of your content ♥️
When trust is broken, is it reasonable to expect them to earn your trust back? Say they’re caught in a lie, is it unreasonable for them to have to earn your trust back by when there is a doubt, them being proven to be telling the truth? The relationship is over. I just don’t believe I was out of line to expect that. The believed that once he broke my trust, if I was going to forgive, then I needed to fully trust him and wipe the slate clean without there being any thing to show that I could trust him.
We have been together 15 years and 8 years ago it changed, he stopped talking to me, my 39 year old son son passed away last year , he had no illness so it was a massive shock and still to this day he has not put his arms around me not said “I’m sorry”, he doesn’t even sit in the same room as me and it’s my house . I’m so so lonely and still suffering from depression, I’m 62 and he is 64
File for divorce and serve him with eviction notice. If he loved you, he would be there for you while you’re grieving, supporting you and helping you emotionally. You are still young enough to enjoy your life and heal from his abuse.
Get into therapy!! He probably doesn’t know how to give appropriately or maturely. Get yourself in therapy invest in yourself exercise or go to a group art club/volunteer slowly make a plan if you don’t want to be married it’s your choice
I gave my narcissist the silent treatment. Because I was tired of explaining my feelings, Because no matter what I tried to say I was a lier period!!! No matter what I said or how I would say it. And I was every name in the book! But I'm free from it now and I'm working on loving me!
I was going through all of the abusive things I went through with my ex and more and more tiny things that I didn't even see as abuse finally started to come through to me like "you voice us annoying me" little things he said belittled me constantly but I didn't even see it as abuse because he abused me on a much larger scale as well. Once I realized every little part of my time with him I was being passively abused without understanding why I felt so horrible about my existence.... its wild when the veil drops and you realize it was all an act.
big salute to those person who really work hard to be better, not someone who's full on talks but still do the same thing again and again. this is hard.
Thank you Mel. You just described the dynamic between myself and my "family". I am totally exhausted all the time l just want to get as far away from them as humanly possible.
Hi Mel I have been dealing with these issues with my sister. I don't think it's only romantic relationships I think it's sibling abuse and bullying as well that nobody talks about. My mom just passed away and my sister is/has always gas lighted situations but now that my mom is gone it's times 100! I'm 51 and she's 53
I have the same situation with both my sister and mother. Been that way my whole life with both of them being the domineering, bullying, chronic compulsive gaslighter, and needy attention seeker who has tantrums when she can’t get her own way and gives the silent treatment and cold shoulder, even disowning. When they are actually speaking to each other (or to me) they tell fake stories about our past (outright LIES), brag and exaggerate about themselves, blame the other or anyone else but themselves for their problems, interrupt and talk over whoever else is speaking and try to turn the conversation back to talking about themselves, name call and put down each other (or me) and try to impose their very vociferous opinions on each other (or on me) and tell each other how they “should” act or live or dress or think or decorate their house or whatever the subject is and constantly criticize and belittle every detail of each other’s and my life. I know they do it to make themselves feel superior and try to cover up their own crappy lives and low self esteem, and they’re jealous that I have a good life and a good marriage of almost 30 years (they’ve both been divorced a couple times and had many failed relationships). It’s infuriating. Our Mom is 79, Sister is 61 and I’m 57. Four years ago I finally put my foot down and told them I refuse to be treated like shit by them anymore and will no longer tolerate the way they behave and the way they speak to and about me and the way they treat me and if they can’t be polite and civil and respectful then they can no longer be a part of my life and good luck to them, I wish them well and have a good life. My sister stormed off in a huff and went back home out of state and I haven’t heard from her since. I just shake my head and walk away and go live my own life without them, but it’s incredibly frustrating and sad whenever I have to deal with either of them. It’s been 4 years since Mom and I both last spoke with my sister after her last blowup, but honestly I’m so much happier and better off with her NOT in my life. I wish she would have taken Mom with her instead of leaving her with me! However our grandmother was still alive and Mom was her caregiver at the time (poor Granny). I may have to drop Mom on sister’s doorstep with a note, a blanket and a sandwich soon! It would be well worth the gas and the long, annoying drive to give them both what they deserve…each other!
@@dohnutz8452 sad story. Just let them know the door is opened when they are willing to apologize for hurting you so you don’t have any regrets. It’s all you can do n you will feel better knowing that you didn’t kick them out of ur life for no good reason. Its too hurtful to bear the things you feel n hear.. If they want to hash things out they must go forward with a promise to only discuss personal problems with you directly face to face if possible. Hope it works out. Losing family is very painful. Everyone loses. Good luck.
Mel once again you nailed and gave it straightforward the way we have to hear it..honestly these TOXIC identifying people/relationships should be taught in the school curriculum starting 6 grade. 😊♥️
Thank you for this video. Last night I realised I have been 32 years with the wrong person. It really hurts. How to move forward? I don't know . Letting him go is going to be very very hard. I need time to work on me and to accept what is happening. Not easy to keep smiling and looking as if everything is OK when I know I am done. Sad times ahead.
My sister just recently divorced her husband of 38 years. She decided she was done and exploded. I kept telling her to slow down and come up with a plan first but being a narcissist herself couldn’t wait. It turned out ok as they had a lot of assets but man that was tough to watch! It is a emotional roller coaster (I went through it also) but living without the day to day stress is worth it. I’d say talk with friends about all the details because even her grown kids didn’t want to listen to her. Her ex told the kids that he had no idea why she wanted a divorce. 🙄 Haha, yep he’s a narcissist also. Good luck and stay strong!
Hang in there my friend. If you don't have to leave asap and leave when You know your ready it's a little bit easier but hard getting to that final point of being Done
I hope you are well. I sent a powerful prayer your way because God knows who you are and what you need. HE loves you and do not want you to suffer. Please trust the guidance HE has put in you.
Deal breakers; 1.) lies. 2.) silent treatment (manipulating by ignoring you). 3.) Lack of healthy boundaries. 4.) Weaponizes your insecurities. 5.) Calling you ugly names (amen F*that!). 6.) Power over behaviors, ignoring interrupting constantly, correcting… 6.) Controlling, snooping through your stuff is stalker ish! Beware, these types. 7.) Sole decision making, with big stuff. 8.) Telling you how you should feel vs. validating “how”, you feel, it is a Big Deal! 9.) Ignores your boundaries, gives you a hard time because you want/need to do what you want/need to do. Walks all over you…in words, attitudes or deeds. Usually if something feels wrong it’s because Something is wrong. As women say what you want, say what you need. Be willing to change yourself and expect the changes you need to see. Thanks, Great Video!
It makes sense an no gender intended my memory is not selective all those points make sense.Your either crazy like Narcissist or neurotic an you blend well or you just get labeled as you say an you move on.Having a Soul mate is not superficial I had a vision of woman I was to meet one day years later we met an violently moved through our worldly family no kids about 2 years of marriage an it's failing. I just don't measure up like naked baby in hell stuck in my infancy an infantile life.Well it can just go blow somewhere else got it ladies adios!
Thank you! ugh yes - the big decisions without consulting thing really kept bothering me. Then he ended it. I was close to graveling and apologizing until this.
It is amazing how we go thru the same things and when Mel was speaking it is like she is in my life. Thanks for calling all this sh*t out. I am glad for all us here who are getting empowered from this advice and wisdom. Thanks Mel!!!
The silent treatment may be the only effective communication. When 1 party cant acknowldge any responsability in a situations why go thru a conversation that cant go anywhere.
@Tarienidu1 Yes, it's normal for maybe a couple of hours. But for 2-3 days, it's totally not. Now they're using the silent treatment as a form of punishment & that's emotional abuse.
Too bad I didn't see this video 20 years ago. My ex-husband had most of these red flags and after 19 years I finally realize what a healthy partnership should look like. Thanks 😊
@@juliahuynh9592 15 years, my stress level was two thousand percent, he died, and the day after the funeral I woke up and took a breath freely and stress free, I cried when I realized what I DISRESPECT I had survived
So many beautiful woman have suffered in a relationship with a guy they thought they loved or could fix. Before you know it your blaming yourself and losing you. Thank you for this video it truly will save lives.
7:50 this was my entire relationship. Everything I did he commented on how he didn't like it, found it weird, basic, trash, whatever negative condescending word he felt like using at the time. The way I brushed my teeth, the shoes I wore, what I liked to watch on TV, the volume I watched it at, the food I ate, the way I put water in juice because it's too sweet for me without it. Etc. Things I have never in my life been insecure about, but it seemed almost like he wanted me to feel insecure about those things. Oh the way I drive, the way I sleep, it felt like he made fun of me for everything. And he knew that I didn't like that because I told him many times. He said that bullying was his love language. He said that he wasn't making fun of me, he was "appreciating" me. It sure didn't feel that way, and he knew that, and he kept doing it anyway. edit: Yep of course he always told me that I was the problem, that I misinterpreted him, that I misheard him, that I was taking what he said too personally, etc. I didn't realize that this was gaslighting, but now I agree that it definitely was.
Thank you, I am fully aware of the type of relationship I am in. You just clarified everything to me that there is an EXIT sign on the front door. It is having the courage to walk out that door and never look back.
You’ve got to build each other up. Be that persons cheerleader. If your tearing them down and disrespecting them, you’ve got the issues. I’d also look to the parents. If you see the same qualities in one or both parents, it’s the evil gift that keeps on giving.
Great video Mel- exactly why all my marriages failed…the respect was nonexistent! I didn’t see this till we were married - all 3 were narcissists- I’ve since healed my own trauma from my own childhood so I can now make sure I don’t settle for this behavior or look over red flags. I’ve found a healthy relationship after my last failed marriage because I did a lot of healing, therapy and self reflection from my traumatic childhood experiences…I’m a 6 figure extremely successful woman who owns their own business- anyone can have bad relationships! Work on what you can control and walk away from anything that doesn’t feel like a good place for you!!
They said I needed to be more trusting, I was hurt in the old relationships. This was them gaslighting, skipping over their lies and disrespecting. It got me focused on being better. Watch for those pink flags. 💗
Mel, I gave the silent treatment to my narcissist because it was always “my fault” if something went wrong. I didn’t want to give in any longer. I was open to talking it out but felt I was talking to the wall.
I stopped talking when it became obvious talking about the weather doesn’t solve problems. He attacks me with personal insults instead of working with me to fix what’s wrong. It’s exhausting.
Stacy, I am in the same boat. I don't think she has an answer for us. I can't leave my relationship. The only way I can survive is to be quiet. If you find an answer to this please let me know. You alone can not fix the relationship....just learn survival.
@@marianmartin9441 I agree with you. Certainly many of the behaviors described deserve a response of silence because any attempt to communicate will be met with further, disrespect via negativity, put downs, lies, blaming, criticism etc.
I’m feeling this so much right now. I hate my life and am depressed because I didn’t listen to my instincts. I am controlled, gaslit, invalidated, disrespected, ignored.
Me too. I don’t know how old you are but believe this, you will wake up one day having spent 46 years living like that and at rock bottom. Don’t let your life go by while being treated so badly. Your body and mind will pay the price for your misery. Please get help or whatever you need to be happy. Get away from anyone who treats you so badly.
I feel you...I was with girl who was so disrespecting, so unhonest and toxic that made me toxic to because she was having multiple guys talking to her a lot of ex boyfriends, "fans","friends"...probably cheating ,calling me names ...but still didnt let me leave her... It made me cheking on her constantly and wanting to spend more time with her...and after she found New "love of her life" theese mine toxic behaviours was her reason... I still feel bad and even after Sessions of teraphy i dont know what to think and I feel bad about myself...
Try to use these tips while in a relationship to hold yourself accountable as well. We are not all perfect in relationships and I’m sure everyone listening to this saying that this is happening to them is also doing some of these things. Relationships take a lot of work!
Well said. I was thinking the same thing. Of all of the people pointing fingers, I'm Certain that their significant other would tick boxes for their experience with them too. LOL Have a nice day.
What works best is when all parties are open to admitting they've made these errors and making changes, all parties are free to raise the issue when feel disrespected. This includes children, who can be taught far more functional ways of relating than is usually done at present.
Totally agree, I have a really bad habit of minimizing situations or deflecting (basically lying) because when I was younger any issues that arose with school etc I was punished in ways that were crazy ridiculous compared to what had actually happened. Lying and hiding stuff kept me safe at the time from my mother, even if I did tell the truth she wouldn't believe me. It's really hard to finally realize how much it's affecting my work and adult relationships. If anything could result in an issue I'll hide it and try and fix it to basically cover it up or I'll minimize it Instead of being honest. It's really hard to unprogram this stuff and I've been working hard on it in therapy.
Mine throws the fact my dad is dead now so i have no one left to protect me. This is one of the nicer things he has done. I am finally getting out, thanks Mel!
By the sounds of it you should have have left a long time ago, any man who would say something like that does not deserve to be loved by you or anyone, and I am a man.
Thank you!! I truly truly hope that anyone in a relationship that is having ANY doubts at all will watch this and please heed your advice. Over 25 years of marriage and the red flags were flying early. Every single one of these 9 things. Unfortunately I was in denial, didn’t have enough strength within myself, low self esteem… it definitely WILL get worse if these behaviors are let go. I can’t get those years back, but with the help of an amazing therapist and a lot of hard work I am finally making progress to restore and mend those parts of me that were damaged so badly I feel like I didn’t even have much sense of self or who I really was anymore. Moving on with my life, trying to start fresh with a whole new perspective on self respect and self worth, finding inner peace and most importantly, building a string radar for any of those 9 behaviors. Thank you again, such wisdom on absolutely crucial fundamentals for not only a relationship or marriage but setting and maintaining boundaries for one’s own self respect.
“Seems obvious” yes, in hindsight. Which is why it’s so helpful to watch videos like this, to put the current situation into perspective. Thank you Mel 🙏
Yep all 9 signs were there 39 years ago when I naively got married at 23. Didn't realize what was going on until about 30 years into it. I would love to go my separate way but narcist spouse will make my life a living hell and attempt to destroy my relationship with OUR adult children and our grandchildren. He knows that is most important to me and will do anything he can to ruin my life. He is so insecure he will never leave although he knows I checked out emotionally years ago. Very said.
Hi there! This person has already ruined part of your life for many years 😒, BUT.... Your kids are grown and they probably know you are suffering or unhappy... The more he does to you or says to your kids the more he proves he is abusive to you... Your kids would most likely take your side... If they don't.... oh well... Its hard but it is a choice... Or.. Stay with your husband for the ease but do whatever it takes for your health and satisfaction... YOU DESERVE TO BE 😊 HAPPY!! I WISH YOU WELL!!
I have a spouse who knows how to manipulate things to make him all shiny. I'm afraid I'd be left with nothing but the clothes on my back. I don't work cuz of a disability, I'm in my late 50s and I'm married to someone who has a notebook of info for ammo when needed. He can be downright nasty.
This video was so helpful for me to examine my own behaviours towards my partner and make me face my own shadow self... I realise I'd been exhibiting about 7 of the 9 traits!! My relationship has improved as a result now I'm aware of these toxic behaviours.. I just didn't know any better... But now I do! 🙏
Love this video. The EXACT words that I’ve been trying to tell my boyfriend so we can have a healthy & respectful relationship. You hit it right on & it needs to be stopped or walk out. You got it!!! Most EXCELLENT!!!! Well done!!
My girlfriend did all these things to me and lots more. Took me years to eventually learn about these and figure out she was a narcissist. I'm 2 months separated now, I look better, feel better and am now wary of getting into another relationship.
I am going to listen to this every week to remind myself that my ex partner was guilty of 3, 5, and 8, and I was constantly having my feelings dismissed and ignored but then also he would blame me for all the problems in our relationship. Setting boundaries made me a problem and he kicked me to the curb when I set them.
“Ignore what they say and watch how they act”. This is priceless.
Acts speak louder than words
That particular advice spoke volumes to me too. People who procrastinate but don't follow through are very difficult to believe in and trust. Very difficult if you have a partner who does this, especially if they have betrayed you !
well isn't that stone walling too?
@@Shotzcf no. They don't mean ignore them completely and be unresponsive. Just don't fall for their "loving/caring" words. It's just meant to confuse you and keep you with them. But their actions are always going to be truer than the things they say.
right
I’m 62 and I’m so done dealing with my husband and his stone walling me or calling me a B..ch or flipping me off. This is the year that I leave, and Not come back . I so hope and pray I can make it on my own. I think it’ll be great! My part time job will be a full time job. I’m so looking forward to being happy after 30 years. 🙏🏻❤️🌻
I can relate was married for 20 years been divorced over 10. The abusive x assured me I could not make it outside that toxic relationship. Absolutely not true. All the cognitive dissonance and crazy making naturally subsides. We recover any material losses and heal emotionally. The real bonus is we no longer have to spend all our conscious time trying to figure these people out. Instead of black and white we live life in 3D now.
I’m being stonewalled rn and it’s killing me.
@@oncetwice5942 that's always sad to hear hang in there.
Don’t waste 1 more minute - not 1 more second than you absolutely have to. Stay well and garner support so you can stay strong in the face of the separation. Stay safe. If it’s been this long, they take for granted that you won’t support your boundaries.
My husband of 14 years has just divorced me....me kicking screaming begging and crying for him NOT to do this to us. I have loved him so so much. I have tried so hard. I can see where i even have self sabatoged because i always knew he wouldnt stick with it. But i was in such a horrible first marriage (19yrs) that i only wanted a man who was KIND! Not rich, good looking etc...just kind and of course...loved me. I first discovered Narcissism due to mine and my mother's problems. It was like a light bulb turned on because she and I had the strangest relationship and I could not put my finger on it. I never even let my head go to my marriage having this issue. It was way too much to come to terms with. But WOW he has been text book narc killing me for quite awhile. I have always felt like a little girl saying "mommy watch me dance. Aint i pretty? Arent you proud of me? Dont you love me?"
I was doing the exact same with both marriages.
I have 2 sons...i tend to stay out of their life more than i want to because my mother has been in mine and destroyed ...or almost did...me. i love my 2 sons so much. I feel loved by them but they dont take me seriously. I feel like they have no idea what it has been like. And they really do not like "drama" when i try to explain it.
Im still in the marital home...his home...because i do not even know how to start again or where to go. No job either. He drives OTR so i didnt know why he insisted on the paperwork. Hasnt thrown me out yet. Sex life has been and still is the best its ever been ...for him too.
Its crazy. Im ready to leave. I will SURVIVE! I love the Lord and I still look pretty good for 59.
Thanks to who ever reads this. Love you all....whomever you are!
The silence teaches you how being alone feels. So when you are alone, it isn't nearly as painful. But the person making you feel that loneliness doesn't realize that they are helping you to be comfortable in their absence.
Wow , so true. My ex of eight years would give me the silent treatment often. There were times where I wanted it to end but it was a tiny idea in the back of my head that I couldn’t fully think of yet
It is true!!!
Oh, so very, very true!
True. But you achieve that after some time being in a toxic relationship. Before it only makes you feel worse because you are a happy person and you want to reconnect, but you don't know what you did wrong, replaying all the scenarios over and over again.
100%
NUMBER 8 led to this comment: I have to say that the silent treatment in my case was done because of years of being unable to be vulnerable with my spouse. EVERY time I brought up a hurt it was turned back onto me. If there ever was and apology it was an angry apology and she would give me the silent treatment afterwards. I stopped be vulnerable which led to the “silent treatment”. I was done becoming vulnerable and having it thrown back into my face. Destroyed my mental health. I don’t feel guilty about it.
That is not silent treatment, I think. It's just a way to survive for you. I believe you do more doing the "Gray rock". A way to protect yourself.
@@illi6188 Exactly this. The “silent treatment” is intentional act, and it’s emotional abuse. _Silence…_ shutting down… that is a trauma response. It can even get to the point of dissociation. Now, with that said… if it’s become something so ingrained that it carries over and it’s affecting future relationships, then it’s something that needs to be addressed. Just because something isn’t necessarily abusive doesn’t keep it from being hurtful.
@@waynepolo6193wife back door not allowed ect
@@illi6188wife back door not allowed ect
Wife back door not allowed ect
Without respect, there can be no love.
TRUTH.💯
very true ❤
What’s love got to do with it?
100%
And not feeling safe you can’t grow love
Watching this with tears rolling down my cheeks. This sh*t hurts like hell. Thinking of all of us who had to go through this hell and find the exit sign.
After I was *finally* able to get myself to leave, the longer I was away, the more I realized just how much those behaviors changed and harmed me. It was subtle sometimes and big others, but he always denied it, and I felt crazy and lost all trust in myself of knowing what was right in front of me.
I couldn’t have imagined how free and happy I would be without him!
Relationship Revival Geoffrey Setiawan
♥️ it’s a nightmare for sure… I did it for 2, 15 year relationships😵💫 an 8 year that literally brought me to my knees, excruciating agony with all the horrible tactics of gaslighting, put downs, push pull, screaming then loving, hateful glares, cheating… the silent treatment destroyed me!!! Horrible 😖omg I thought I was going to die… it took me years to heal… but education, and no contact!!! It works because it clears the fog, as time goes by without their evil energy inside you, you become you again, and you can see clearly! You have Aha moments of such clarity! And you never want to go back and feel that pain again!! Even if you miss them, the relief of not having to feel the emotional agony is worth not being with them…I’m doing great now, finally, and I’m so educated with this… you’ll get better love ❤️ I promise!!!!!!!!💥🙏🏻💖
@@slgreetings Hi Mary. Firstly I am so proud of you that you found the exit sign and shared your story with us. I'm happy to hear how someone's doing on the other side of this pain. And I'm sorry to hear how much you had to endure..no one...no one deserves to go through this. Kudos to all of us who keep on keeping on 👏👏👏
I love this video
Lying is one of the hardest things to deal with in a relationship. It makes you question everything.
I just wanted to say,,when You feel that Your partner has lied to You,,they are basically saying Your not really important,,or worth their time.
Lying was the one thing I never thought I would have to face when I met my ex. To hear him talk to his mother and realize I was not like his ex, I just never thought it would, or could, happen. Then to find it so prominent after getting married, not only lying but cheating as well, prompted me to question so many things I felt I should have and didn't. How could I be so naive?? For 19 years I doubted most of what he told me. Many times, he was being truthful but I couldn't give him credit due to the history and the continuation of his sometimes lies. How can I get over this? I feel as though I am being lied to by those I meet and try to start again, or there is an ulterior motive. This really sucks. I don't want to "assume" it will happen but I do.
Being called a liar when your not lying doesn’t help either.
But you can never trust anything after an obvious lie. Always makes me wonder.
@@brendaengelbrecht5670 he lies because he's afraid of you. that's the problem. in the past, you have been harsh on him for making mistakes and since then, he is not willing to submit himself again to your judgement. he cheats on you because you're not the woman he wants to be with, deep down. You are in his life because he needs to fix some issues with other people from his past that behaved like you do. But you are not the person he feels happy too or he may believe he doesn't deserve you so he's sabotaging his own relationship.
If he is caught lying about the same thing over and over, then says that is the only thing he has lied to me about, I'm having a hard time believing him.
I was married for 32 yrs. I'm also 62, and leaving was the best thing I ever did!
I was married 30, we're happier apart now
@@healthworxwithjenny and your children?
I wish I was able to do that. I want out. I was making plans but when he found Lund he quit his job. He's the sole bread winner because I'm disabled, so now we can't afford to.😢😢😢😢
@@connecticut730 IF they had children, I'm sure they are grown by now and would rather their parent be happy.
@@connecticut730 why do people think it’s BETTER to stay in a miserable marriage “for the kids”??? Do you REALLY think the kids don’t know you’re miserable 😅 THEY DO, I PROMISE 😉
I think there's a big difference between the silent treatment and knowing when to walk away from a non-productive discussion. If the other person is interrupting, minimizing, diverting, acting immature, etc. I usually stop talking and/or set a boundary.
Yes! You are perfectly right.
Actually, I prefer that the narcissisist give me the silent treatment rather than when he blathers on and on like a prosecuting attorney, ( bad ) news broadcaster, gossip columnist etc.
But if this is the norm in the relationship and issues go unresolved, it's toxic. If it's a tool that lets you cool off so you can resolve it later, that's different.
@@JanetSmith900 Read the comment again. "If the other person is interrupting, minimizing, diverting, acting immature, etc. I usually stop talking and/or set a boundary." it is not up to one person to carry the entire relationship and keep resolving on behalf of their partner.
They want you to walk away. That’s usually why they do it. Even if you set a boundary the issue may never get resolved because they have learned their toxic behavior gets them what they want.
yeah i could be guilty of the silent treatment - but not as some tactic - it is more a matter of being fearful of what I might say in response and so the better choice is to refrain .
Also when your partner is addicted to social media and constantly on their phones , at meal times, in bed ,
When your talking to them and they ignore you because they have their head in their phones
It’s a marriage killer
Facts
When I have to WApp him to get an answer for everyday things...
Thats a sure sign your partner feels you have nothing worthy to say….
Deadass so true. My partner does this to me and has for the past 6 years no matter how many times I've told him it hurts me. He won't even look at me when I tell him this shit. He just looks at his fucking phone! He even admitted to me that he's a addicted to it. It hurts me so much. It's killing our relationship. I don't think I can continue it further.
Yes!
What really sucks is when you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t, ALWAYS being blamed for whatever happened or didn’t happen. You cannot win with these people who are not honest with themselves about their own issues, all the while brining out the worst in you.
I’m dealing with this right now😢
Yes being treated with no respect on a day to day and weekly basis made me feel worthless and turned me moody and growchy..I will never put up with coming second ever !
Can relate to that! 😢
When they constantly blame you for things, you often find a pattern.
They look for a scapegoat for their own failures! So, blaming the other person somehow absolves then of any responsibility on their part.
It shows a complete lack of maturity and consideration towards you.
Just walk out of the room whenever they walk in. Don’t engage in conversation unless it’s absolutely essential.
Unfortunately, I was raised by one narc parent (who really ‘narced’ on my step-parent pretty badly) and my birth parent is an over-the-top narc. I have known nothing else my whole life and the learned dysfunction has seen me in two failed narc marriages (and a third that I am still in after 28 years). A whole life of this has rendered me physically and mentally disabled, emotionally and socially stunted due to all the physical and psychological abuse. As my therapist says, I/you deserve to be happy but I don’t know what happy looks like for me. If I could tell my younger self anything, it would be - listen to the soft voice telling you that things aren’t right, stop blaming yourself and forgive yourself because you tried to resist the narc, get out / stay away and get help NOW. You/we are worth the effort.
Laverne Victoria...you are describing a narcissist. Please listen to The Royal We, Dr. Les Carter, Dr, Ramani, and Mental Healness all on TH-cam
sometimes silence comes from shock, when such unbelievable, insane, hurtful behaviors are happening and you don’t know how to react you can’t react because the situation is too insane and to say that selfish is not an expensive view. Not everyone is silent because they’re manipulating. sometimes they’re silent because they’re scared. They’re traumatized. They’re in disbelief.
It’s an intrinsic instinct of feeling unsafe, that words will entangle you even deeper in a scary situation, that you no longer want to be a part of .
Perfectly said
That’s exactly what is happening to me!!
you have to know the "context" of the situation because withdrawing and giving someone the silent treatment can be from like you said, their inability to communicate, ignoring your opinions and invalidating you, making you the problem. I mean what do you do or say to that person? NOTHING, THEREFORE THE SILENCE. Therapist, you should make this distinction in your videos. Also, its not snooping if you are trying to find out what is going on in your marriage/relationship and why people are acting in a certain way that is causing harm to you and the relationship.
I relate to this. I am afraid to try to talk for fear of being attacked again.
Exactly! Perfectly said!
This stuff should be taught in school. So sad that some of us don’t even realize when we are being disrespected:(
Agree
Read my comment above. You’re correct.
Parents, grandparents ... should be teaching this to their teenagers ...
you know what, i wholeheartedly agree. it’s sad how many parents fail to teach their kids respect for others (and for themselves!) and this would help prevent a lot of bad relationships and in turn prevent a lot of unplanned babies where the parents can’t teach them basic respect such as this
@@cohay6248 key word “should”
Took me 19 years to get away from this behaviour. So glad I finally did! Every day is a blessing now, rather than a confusing, distressing, undermining, lonely, exhausting manipulation.
God bless you 🙏
You're a beautiful woman. You deserve so much more and can definitely do better.
Funny that it took me exactly 19 years to find the exit sign, and unfortunately another 15 to understand that I wasn’t the problem and now I just feel that it is too late to start again because I am 56 years . I just feel like I wasted my life away, and I feel lonely too as my children are grown ups and too busy with their own lives 🥺
Edited for typos
@@neusaleek7673 that's such a hard place to be in. Those feelings can be overwhelming. I'm so sorry that you've gone through that.
@@neusaleek7673 56 or any age isn’t too late! I’m 75 and I’m seeing the signs in this new marriage of 14 months that we are not only “oil and water@- we don’t mix well. I remember after a few months of knowing him he stood me up on my birthday- huge red flag! I should have cut any relationship Hope’s off right then. I , stupidly forgave, overlooked that horrible behavior and the next year married him. What a huge mistake!
Old bachelors don’t change they just drive you crazy and you want to die. If you have a way to live apart- don’t waste your life. 56 and is a great age, or any age is great to f you can walk away and believe me they’ll find some other woman really fast to replace you. You weren’t special, just a place holder to fill in the cracks when they had a little time for you. Have a support system of people, churches have free counseling sessions that are really good, imagine your life without being with him. Then, while you get a job, find a place to stay, maybe sign up for a college class- great for keeping your mind busy and begin to stone by stone build your new life without him. In a year of wise, methodical planning with action you’ll see your standing up for yourself and you’ll be proud. After you’ve made your way with standing firm into a healthy life- you can encourage others to get healthy lives.JESUS wants you to love yourself.
I have no regrets when I say that I went through that person's phone and emails to find some sense of reality and break free from the gaslighting and abuse. By seeing all the crap they were hiding from me, the cheating, the lies, the way they were referring to me to others, I was finally able to leave and of course I went straight to therapy.
But going through your partner's private stuff is sometimes your only window to seeing who they actually are, and your only chance to make an informed decision.
God Bless you. That is Truth. I'm unwinding the same things. And this person denies what's clear in black and white
Totally agree, it breaks your heart but it shows them for their true self. Sending flirty messages to other women shows what a plater they are
I agree. I did the same thing and my partner immediately became the victim when I found out about his lies. I am glad I went snooping. My eyes opened.
When I went trough my GF messages. I already had lot of other proof that I am being played and lied to. Our shared friends told me that there is something weird in the way my GF was talking about me behind my back and also what I told my friends about the relationship status they were hearing very different kind of picture from my GF storys about our life. There was long chats with a friend about me on the phone where my GF spoke so badly about me and literally tought I was just stupid or something. I will say that I was so sure about the fact that she was playing me so that gave me the motive to check so I also wanted to keep my psyche in check that in the future I do not need to see messages. I will know if I am in the same situation in future without ever going so far and checking the messages. I also understand that in most situation it is very wrong to go check those messages. This was just an exception for me and I am glad I did it. I do not recommend going to check unless you just want to see with your own eyes and avoid the fight and just leave this toxic situation.
I saw on my exes laptop 💻 and he messaged a lot of women. He even had pictures of him and her!
I am silent because anything I say is weaponized against me. Anything I say can and will be used against me. Besides the fact that Anything I say is dismissed or I am cut off and not allowed to say what I want. To me, this is not silent treatment, it means I have been silenced.
Suicide not allowed
I get this. I go silent because he doesn’t listen and doesn’t want to listen to any of my thoughts or opinions. What’s the point? He will do what he wants with out a care of my feelings. 38 years
@@grandmaboswell1007Totally agree with this! It’s not the silent treatment: it’s just giving up. If I become silent, it’s because I feel defeated. 35 years
I go silent because of the consequences if I don’t. Then he is mad that I am silent. Reality? I am anxious and afraid and feel sick and dread knowing it will go on for hours. Sometimes days.
Same here. My husband doesn’t listen to my thoughts or opinions so why bother. He blocks me out and does what he wants. 43 years
This should be taught in communication and self development classes in high schools.
I agree, what a great tool to have in choosing the right partner. Knowing these things at a young age would prevent a lot of heartache.
114w
I agree. All of these things remind me of all the ways my friends and their partners in high school acted towards each other. What a great class this would be
Starting at birth!
Use to be in health classes before 1990. M arr
Taking responsibility for one’s own self respect is true emotional awareness
Absolutely. Not until you love and respect yourself can you ever live and respect another person.
What does that mean?
I was on here going through profiles and so luckily i came across your marvelous and charming picture of you,which really drew my attention to get in touch with you and also i really love your profile. i believe by God Grace you and your lovely family are protect and safe from what the enemy as plan towards you, Our Father in heaven sees everything He will make sure the devil plan fail upon you and your family Amen
Wish I had heard this many years ago. Would have saved my emotional well-being & years of depression. Thanks for the insight.
Relationship Revival Geoffrey Setiawan
Me too!!
That makes two of us .
Sending you love today.
The silent treatment can also be because you express your feelings and they continue to be shot down and not taken seriously by your partner. So you then just put up your walls and decide to disengage to protect yourself .
Exactly 💯!!! You give up voicing your opinion/feelings and it falls on dead ears. Why even proceed to repeat yourself like a parrot.
For example, you ask them for respect and they constantly disrespect you... Walk away and give yourself peace!
It’s self preservation because there is NO winning with them. You are always the problem.😢
Or you could learn to reword it or maybe change the tone to a calm chilled tone
@@GypsyQueen-w9eand if it is a calm and chilled tone? If you express that you feel lonely and would like to spend more time with them and need more attention, but they tell you no you don’t? “You wouldn’t like it if it gave you more attention.”
And you have tried for 18 years?
Exactly-
I'm actually watching this to be sure I'm not being the person we are talking about. Much love and growth to you all. ❤️
Same.
I think since your watching this,is a good sign.
That's why I'm struggling to leave... am I the problem? My mind is so screwed up and confused 😕
100% sameeee!!!!
Me too. But I'm not. Him 9/9. Me 1/9. Yes, I stay silent when the fight is picked. So he says I'm giving the silent treatment. In reality, I'm terrified. Been hit enough.
I'm so sorry to hear of everyone's experiences. It has surprised me how many people are here saying about it taking decades to see the signs, as I felt pretty alone with this. It has taken me 20 years! I'm 37 now and have been separated from my abusive husband for about 3 months. I just discovered something devastating on new years eve and it's put me back a lot. I have been trying hard to thrive and be myself without daily criticisms, abuse and silent treatment. I will pick myself up again, just as will you. I just can't believe I made so many excuses for him. Never again. Sending good vibes to everyone here. It's never too late to start a new life free from someone who didn't know how to value you. You are worthy of respect and proper love.
Can I ask, if he was commuted to change did not disrespect you. Do you think you could ever forgive and move forward?
I'm there. I am right there. It didn't take twenty years but I have been in one long exhausting contention for almost ten now and I'm spent but holding onto my pride by holding on to what I believed was true about him. I still want what he sold me to be true and not what I see
I hope you are doing well.
I'm going through this too. I will tell you the longer you are away you're going to go through a crazy transformation with yourself. Focus on you, get hobbies, make yourself happy and enjoy being away.
Yep, 22 years it took, I'm firing up the solicitor tomorrow.
The partner crossed the line I set months ago and I told her 'that's it', now she's dishing out the silence treatment again, it's not affecting me anymore.
I just want to get rid of her asap now and end this childish disrespectful situation I'm in.
You deserve to be with someone who has complete respect for you (your soul mate)… the relationships that work longest aren’t the ones who never argue, but those who learn to communicate effectively when arguing! 🙏🏽❤️
El día que por fin os deis por enterados que no se inglés será increíble a vosotros se os dicen las cosas y os entra por un oído y sale por otro a y dad por echo que no voy a estar nunca ni en el mimo continente que tú y quien os haya dicho que yo voy a ir a usa o nada parecido os mentía sabiéndolo porque nunca pisaré otro país que al que pertenezco españa
No es una idea adsurda si no es Mel quien se niega lo hago yo solo falta que les ronpais el amor que se tenga yo solo me enamore una vez pero de una forma profunda y se que no volveré a sentir algo tan fuerte nunca por eso no me he molestado en buscar pareja eso es imposible que suceda dos veces en la vida ya es difícil una pero me basta para toda la vida no necesito más y no voy a ir allí son simplemente echos es loque pasara
,zzzzz : ! !!!
Doesn't matter culture nor religion nor political views most seek comfort and support to also comfort and support as the relationship and persons progress into something better than what it began (prenups especially with no fault divorce)
@@jasonrichard7560 EXACTLY Sir, You hit that SPOT ON For me Anyways.....
I initially clicked on this video to see if my partner was the problem, but now I see I actually have some issues that I need to work through. I found myself saying “he doesn’t do that but it sounds more like me” and I realized I have a lot I need to work on. Thank you for this.
I used to give the silent treatment because I was afraid to answer any questions that he would ask. My answers were always wrong. I would get flustered. It became my protection from the gas lighting and narcisstic behaviour.
That is totally different and wish Mel had covered that distinction. Distancing yourself to protect from harmful behavior is not "the silent treatment."
So often the silen treatment is the result of abuse and intimidation. the talk about the silent treatment here is way off base. create an environment of non judgement and this defense mechanism will open up like a flower. this person has probably hit this wall too many times and is being used as bait. therefore the silence. no trust in the reaction. too many times this person needs desparately to be able to open up but has been shut down by some circumstance or needs time and patience in order to feel through their feelings. bad advice here
Yes! Me too!
@@maryhogan5487 That isn’t the silent treatment. The silent treatment is using silence as a weapon and refusing to talk. The intent is to “punish” the other person.
@@maryhogan5487 PERFECTLY said! It is so frustrating to be accused of giving the silent treatment when that's not what you're doing AT ALL!!! You have to protect yourself from the backlash and manipulation.
As a man and father, in guilty of some of these things and I have worked on being better.....
I have so been a victim of many of these things... some of those led to our relationship to break...but I hold nothing against her.
Thanks for this.
Wish everyone a healthy and meaningful relationship....
When it is your own family , you realize where you learned to tolerate very toxic behavior. Learning to value yourself and set up boundaries is the only way to survive until you find your exit strategy. Thank you for sharing all the helpful information.
You are precisely right. I've been doing this for the last couple of years and hard to believe the peace clarity and order. The time we wasted coddling and burping those babies.
The good news is all of that time goes back into our personal accounts to use how we want.
I’m here for the same reason. (Dysfunctional childhood, etc.). I failed most 😞 BUT now I know what to work on! I plan on showing partner too, and he can probably squeeze in more negative behaviors I’m unaware of! 😂
I was with someone with almost all these signs !! This is per evil !! Prayer is what set me free and thank you for the video this is so much confirmation needed ❤
Respect is key on both sides. Treat him/her the way you want to be treated
No, treat him the way he wants to be treated.
@user-dd6cj4hv5z Yes, there is a difference. You may like candy or flowers, but maybe he wants a shared activity.
What you say is true. You should never compromise your principles but is it disrespecting your spouse to confront them about their bad behavior. I don't think so.
Dream on...
What horrible advice, women and men differ drastically in their requirements for a happy marriage.
1. They lie to you
2. They give you the silent treatment
3. They use your insecurities against you
4. No name calling
5. They interrupt when you are talking
6. They are controlling or crazy jealous
7. They make big decisions without you
8. Your partner tells you how you are supposed to feel or they ignore your feelings
9. Your partner ignores your boundaries
Sounds like my life story
These are the same signs when dealing with a narcissist, gaslighter, controlling/ toxic personality or sociopath.
Mine does all of these 😅
Definition of a narcissist!
You wannna hear something, is met another level of narccist. She did none of this. She lied and ignored boundaries cause we were in a long distance relationship
Lying is one of the biggest ones - not just affecting the relationship but damaging the person who is dealing with it.
Imagine being lied for 6 straight years. I feel like your brain stops working.
It's the toughest & most damaging thing a person that says they "love you" is to tell lies. It messes you up in all kind of ways and so hard to come out of. Prayers for everyone going through this.
Omg the controlling, snooping, and accusing segment brought me a lot of comfort as well. Thank you for this video.
What builds a happy relationship
1. Awareness; For self & Partner needs having an interest in both.
2. How you deal with conflict; Know how to fight w/respect & how to work through problems.
3. Values; have a vision on how to create your lives
4. Connection behaviors that turn towards one another. Creating an admiration for one another.
Wife back door not allowed ect
The hardest part after being ignored, rejected disrespected, is how to stand up again and be confident to walk through a time of despair. All I believe is that after a storm sun will smile again and amazing things will happen to my life and all these traumatic experiences will fade away time will heal my soul. Thank you for this relevant message it helped me change my perspective in life.
I’m stuck until September …and find a place on my own. I also have a four year old I have to make sure is well taken care of in this mess.
My young son ( 24 just)shot himself in the head last month - ran out in the woods. His girl friend had to pull up back in my driveway with her new boy friend. She was disrespectful. I found out from his friends. His father wasn’t any help either. The girl was living at my place. And cheating. Was a past Buffalo any. Pole dancer. Watch who your kids date. - Allison Norman was her name now lives in fla
@@laurieclark2456 I’m so sorry about your son! 😔I believe in karma and it will catch up with her soon enough.
@@bathemeinchampagne Thank you!
Coercive behaviour is another form of trauma to a person - and it is shocking to read how many people become entrapped by it hoping the other person will improve, but they never do.
That's me. 8 years in and now I'm trapped. No friends, no family, no money, no job, no education, no skills. No children and this douche bag told me I'm not even wife material. I am taking a secret online class. I'll be out by this time next year. I hope. It's Feb '24. I pray I'm out by then.
Jesus was not killed nor Jesus was crucified
Suicide not allowed
Absolutely!💯
Another big sign of disrespect is when they talk about you to other people behind your back.
Especially when they tell any and everyone that will listen your mistakes and flaws or worse exaggerate or tell half truths about you,to others behind your back and worse even if they give a half apology wont do anything to try to undue the damage to your reputation or
I talked behind my wife's back because I didn't know what to do. I couldn't handle being interrupted, gaslighted and called horrible things. She would not listen to me, so I began to ask friends and coworkers for advice. Also it was a way of me letting out my feelings so I didn't have a mental breakdown breakdown.
@rightwinger1505 I totally get what you are saying. Sometimes, it's not to destroy the other person's reputation. It's literally to vent all of the hurt you have endured. Mental health and physical health are in trouble because of the toxicity. It's terrifying to be locked in on so many levels: financial, children still at home, physical/mental problems, and no family to lean on- it can be torture. You need an outlet because you can't afford a therapist and are barely alive due to how you have lived for years.
Only way is to not have mutual friends living with someone with this personality
At 74 and after 52 yrs of what I thought was a normal marriage you come along and pop the bubble my gosh thank you I don't know what i can do now but knowledge is power
Leave and get indexed !
This is great information. Describes my relationship perfectly. I am on my way out the door, but he continues to act as thought there is nothing wrong. Then he gaslights me to make me feel like none of this is true, and that I am "too sensitive".
Thank you for the content!
@TS,
My motto is, "...it may hurt me (to leave) but I'll get over it!" 🙏😇💖🙌🙌🙌😺
YEAH and your to emotional but they start the shit
I’m in the same situation with my 7yr fiancé. He is pushing me further and further out the door and acts like I’m paranoid! Says nothings wrong but is acting very strange like he doesn’t care or doing something behind my back! Silent treatment! 🙏✊
I wish I have had someone telling me all this before I got married. My husband of 25 years used to behave like a dictator and all the red flags were there. Emotional abuse is a serious problem in a relationship. From emotional abuse, physical abuse started. Grabbed me by the neck pushed me so hard against a wall while strangling me is in his words just “a little rough housing not any disrespect or violence.”
THANK YOU for posting this video.
@Ghost I hope sincerely that you ghost him! He will look around and when you are no where to be seen he will think twice because he HAS TO.
Since my father has been so self-sacrificing and so self-effacing, I did not realize that he has also been an extreme dictator demanding that you "sacrifice everything" for him. He really pulled a big one out on us kids.
Relationship Revival Geoffrey Setiawan
I'm glad you got out Carla. So much of this stuff and ignored and it just builds and builds.
I wish I knew back then,what I Know Now,after a 31 year marriage that I'm still in currently ! I feel I've Wasted Precious year's of my life,and I Dont know where to start, in trying to get out and move on ! Not having the Financial means to go,makes it that much Harder!
Abusive partners who threaten you have no respect for you .You are amazing and have stated very good points .
I was on here going through profiles and so luckily i came across your marvelous and charming picture of you,which really drew my attention to get in touch with you and also i really love your profile. i believe by God Grace you and your lovely family are protect and safe from what the enemy as plan towards you, Our Father in heaven sees everything He will make sure the devil plan fail upon you and your family Amen
@@hahanicnic818suicide not allowed
Tattoo not allowed
I was married to a narcissist with all these traits for 15 years. We have three sons together and the oldest, now 22 is quadriplegic from lack of oxygen at birth, which made it more difficult as he refused to help being a machista man from Cuba. The best day of my life was the day the judge stamped the divorce papers almost 9 years ago on Christmas Eve. So much peace being on my own with my Lord as my companion.
How did you get through to them. I am trying but so difficult 😪
@@christinavain2689 what do you mean by how did I get through to them?
Amen!! I’m so glad you leaned on the lord! Make NO man your savior.
I to was in a horrible relationship trying to please someone I would have never been good enough for! I called on the lord and he answered! I got out of this relationship with the lords help!!God restored my strength and I made HIM my lord and savior instead of that man!! My life has never been this peaceful! When you know better you do better and you make BETTER DECISIONS!GLORY TO GOD!!Call on the lord people!!!
@@christinavain2689God
@@lizettenovelo1God
This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. Big red flags 🚩
I am trying so hard to extrapolate myself from an entanglement. It’s not at all easy, but it’s necessary. THANK YOU Mel
This is on point! My husband was a culprit of many of these things. I had to leave. He got help. 6 months later we started working again. Our relationship has improved so so much- we even wrote a marriage mission statement! Watching this video helped me even check myself- I tend to interrupt my husband when speaking- and I will definitely be working on that! Love you Mel for your no-filter way of sharing 🤓💕
Pues primero se pregunta yo desde luego no de coña me acerco más a semejante nido de víboras es alucinante me indultais me puteais lo que os sale de la polla y aún pensIs que voy a ir allí estáis tontos o que? Por qué debería ir por vuestra simpatía ? Por todos los papeles que ha eis creado o si no voy a la cárcel?,por qué me voy a casar ? Jjj por favor os dije que antes moriré pero haciendo público todo lo que hacéis ya sabéis que me atrevo a contarlo dudáis de que me mataría encantado si con ello destapó lo que sois ? Vosotros mismos no me dais miedo y la tía está no la tocaría ni con un palo jjjj
Nunca me habría prestado a algo así es una farsa que insulta lo más profundo de una relación y no habría permitido que otra persona sufriera por mi y supongo que a Mel tampoco le hizo mucha gracia espero que olvidéis está tontería y sdais muy felicessuerte y riñela muy suave que ella seguro que también sería un saludo
Such a amazing video💕❤️💕❤️
I notice there's a WhatsApp bot on youtube that pops up whenever someone shares something really positive and heartfelt and high vibration. I do not think it's a coincidence.
@@dig1272 Spam doesn't care the topic! Spammers are rampant these days! They are everywhere and it's so annoying! I wish there was a way to stop them or at least control it! Anyway, blessings to everyone! Even spammers, because maybe they could see the error of their ways and stop! 😉
It’s took me 5 years of therapy to even consider the idea my ex husband of 10 years was abusing me with narcissistic tactics. I thought we could always keep a friendship. After 7 years apart, it’s just not possible where I have taken steps to heal and understand my PTSD, but he still acts immature and childish. No contact was the only resolution to say to him. I am DONE and have a nice life without ME. I chose my value, independence and autonomy. I never needed that toxicity in my life, but everything you mentioned I had experienced with him. There was no true love from him. I was his servant to do his cooking, cleaning, then someone he could bully and tear down emotionally.
Stayed married for 13 years dealing with all 9 of these. Next time someone says "Aww I'm sorry you're getting divorced. Can't you work it out?".... I sending them this video. Nailed it, Mel! Thanks! 😆😁🙌
Delicious response! In my first marriage, he tried to get a pastor's wife to get me to return. I told her three words, "He punched me." and she told me that she appreciated my speaking with her. She also told me he desired a leadership position in the church but would have to go through a year of counseling. Idk if he did that.
Mine didn’t change. I noticed had that silent treatment. Thing. Now keeps me in grid lock. Goes in anger fits of rage. Over nothings-
I have yet to know someone who got married with the intention of getting divorced - it is a horrible experience - but it is not typically fatal. When a bond is that broken it is much better to get out of it .
Omg, please leave, the abuse never stops and at what cost, no.
That's a good one‼️🤣😂 I believe I will do the same damn thing. Hey y'all, after watching this it really convinced me i was right along. hearing what y'all had to say it is really heartbreaking for us to be as old as we are we shouldn't have to put up with lying disrespect name-calling silent treatment ,but yet we still pick up the pieces push through it get our duties done and respect the motherfukers that's disrespecting us .Well this is where it stopped!! He also makes me feel like I'm nothing but a pushy pocket. Yes ladies I did tell him how I feel straight to his face and I mentioned the pocket pussy as well....And his comeback was ...your crazy and why you say crazy shit like that .... and I responded 😒 that's how you make me feel and he gets all mad start justifying everything that I say. The roller coaster that never ends everyday was stuck in the same damn conversation not going nowhere.
1. They keep lying to you, 2. Partner gives you the silent treatment, 3. using your insecurities against you, 4. call your partner names, 5. They always interrupt when you are talking, 6. your partner wont allow you to have independence or privacy, 7. They make big decisions without you, 8. constantly tell you how you supposed to feel instead of validating your feelings, 9. partner ignores your boundaries
So true
Buying heat for the house is a big decision shouldn’t have to talk about it!!
Needs to be done or your going to freeze
No contact ❤
If you wanted independence you should have stayed single you got in to a relationship not even knowing it's a partnership a relationship means two people becoming one maybe before criticizing ur partner maybe be honest with your self and be like hey I didn't know that these expectations were expected ina partner ship aka a relationship I don't know I'm not saying your one hundred percent wrong maybe you should do some research and talk to people you can trust and be honest with ur self and ur other half yeah I don't know why you are or were ever in a relationship if u wanted independence you shouldn't have agreed to a relationship I mean I get u have to be self sufficient but independent means without anyone elses input or help just saying good luck to you
I think 1-8 well you have to cross boundries in order for 1 through 8 to occur. Not criticizing just trying to frame it, out loud in writing that way so I can better remember it. 🤙
I had to face certain realities and end a relationship that I wanted sooo badly to work and this video clarified and confirmed. Love Mel Robbins!
❤❤❤❤❤
Could you not have worked out the issues?
I typically engage in "the silent treatment" not as a power move or manipulation, but because I'm SO angry, I'm afraid I'll say something that will make the situation even worse than it already is. It's also a protective measure, until my head clears and I can get a grip on what happened and deal with it in a more healthy way. It's my way of trying to establish a boundary, when that person has invaded my boundaries. Your suggestion of saying, "I'm too emotional right now, give me some time to collect myself and we can come together after and talk about it." is a good example of a better alternative. Thanks for a great video.
Thank you for this. My partner does a few of these and I’ve called them out but surprisingly I too exhibit some of these behaviours too and have always said to them it’s not a problem. It shows that I must be held accountable as well.
We learn how to relate, communicate and fight by watching our parents. It’s so unconscious until it’s brought to light. So many thing we don’t mean to say
This really sucks because it will never matter how much u love them it doesn't matter to them
This is so true. It's not actually anybody's fault, because nobody is aware of the damage that they are doing. Also, healthy role models are like a needle in a haystack. It's extremely difficult to find them and absorb from them
Name calling and lying has been my life. I’m ready to get off this merry go round. This watching me to see if I’m actually going to leave this time and the relief when nothing happens so it’s back to bad behavior. Thanks Mel for helping us see this is not healthy and is reason enough to leave.
So, have you left him yet?
@@kylorenthehusky2584Yes, we need to know. We need an update?
After 55 yrs of marriage I can say that marriage is the loneliest place I have ever lived. I’m hoping if I endure to the end, perhaps the next life will be better.
🙏🏼😔
Was always afraid I would go from single to zero in marriage and I did 😢
I agree
As an almost 31 yo who struggles with finding love I really needed to read this...marriage does not always end loneliness I'm better off alone than with someone who invalidates how I feel
I'd rather end up alone and childless than with a toxic man
I read this and it really hit me hard! I am 26 and have been married to the same man for almost 9. It started out great, and then of course life happened. He is going back to work and blames me for it every day, even though it was HIS idea. He says I need a "lesson" as to how much he does when I do appreciate everything he does for our kids and for me. (I will be staying home with the kids and working. Mind you I work overnights and I won't sleep much when he goes back. My MIL will help but she is getting older and has breast cancer so often is tired.) We had a recent argument where I tried a different approach and was silent for 2 days. We ended up arguing again and then talking through things but a few days will do by good and then BOOM, it goes back to square 1 and I feel like my feelings or the things I tell him don't matter. It's a long story and it's too much to type but I think you may understand. I just don't want to live my my life like this where I could possibly be loved the way I want to and feel appreciated. I have killed myself trying to be successful and get to where I want to be financially for my family but I feel like he doesn't appreciate it. He always says "you are where you are because of me" He has done a lot for me but I didn't ask for it and he throws it in my face. I hate it, I am scared to leave and I don't want my young children to have a broken family. It's HARD! God bless you and I hope one day you can be happy before the next life! Praying for you ❤
After years of lies and just being ignored. I just realized I need to be alone and get my life back. I'm ready to be free. I could never have a conversation with him. If I ask about where, when or who. It started a fight and it was because I didn't trust. After finding things from other women including naked pictures, I didn't trust him anymore. Told he was on dating sites.
These signs are so important and so real. I recently broke up with a partner I was in relationship for almost 6 years. I love him so much, so I ignored that he disrespected me by telling me I'm irrational demanding respectful communication from him to myself. Like... I don't know why I stayed so long. I love him, and he has a lot of great personality traits that I admired. But this is not enough. If someone is repeatedly disrespectful, demand of you to explain why do you feel the way you feel and then tells you that your reasoning is not good enough... Run. I was through some emotional hell because I want to fix our relationship and did everything I could. But he is the one who doesn't want to change for better. If he is not willing to do anything, and don't go to a therapy or something... There is probably no help and you need to live. Don't hide the sad truth from yourself, you are going to suffer more if you do
If he's indifferent you disrespected or betrayed him using a TH-cam or suggested test to see if he loves you, I'm that guy that's watched how women ruin relationships taking poor advice.
@@jasonrichard7560 why do you making up a story about something you don't know? And then think it's a good idea to share this imaginary story?
Yup, stayed with somebody like this over 12 years. I had emotional breakdown from it about 4 years ago, still trying to pick myself up. Being invalidated that long really messed me up.
@@krystalgardiner5591 I'm sorry this happend to you. I wish you'll find your peace. Do you have any emotional support rn? Friends, family, maybe some psychologist?
@@jasonrichard7560
You're immature.
I've witnessed some relationships where one partner is emotionally immature and attacks , belittling etc, and the only way to get the toxic person to stop attacking and belittling, is for the healthier partner to be quiet. In this instance, being quiet is not toxic behavior, it's trying to get things to calm down. (Every single thing he says is attacked, with toxic gaslighting, so better to be quiet.)
That healthy person needs to leave and get out of that toxic relationship when it's safe to do so.
You are right that was me and I left. We have two daughters and I just couldn't stand them watching all the arguments. Once this super Christian woman got started on her fits there was nothing could be said or done to stop her. It was constant.
Exactly. If youve got in an argument and one party starts taking it too far then silent treatment is definitely appropriate. A simple "thats inappropriate, we can talk again once youve calmed down and want to discuss the actual issue." and wait for them to come to you to calmly discuss it.
I had to utilize this tool in order to hold my peace in my last relationship. I got worn out from constantly defending myself & integrity. Ultimately had to ghost her completely.
Right! I would be quiet because I didn't want my daughters exposed to constant bickering and yelling. Once they get started there's not much you can do unless you like to fight too.
He says, there i go again, thinking and saying things that are crazy. Discounting my feelings and not expressing any emotion.
You’ve just described my narcissistic wife. The only thing you left out was her physical description ! I’ve seen all of those behaviours.
Jesus was not killed nor Jesus was crucified
@@LisaHack-hq3dvthat is a lie straight from the pit of Hell. YAHUAH rebuke you!!!
I'm in same boat buddy can't stand it!!!
#4!!!! Omg this is so on point for me! My girlfriend has done this for 4 years we have been together for 6. She never listened to how I hated hearing her insult me and told her it was belittling. But went on deaf years. And #5 yes!!! Thank you for this video!
Mel, please make more videos like this! This is very valuable in context of your other work.
Yes I love it!!! She’s so intelligent with all her information!!
I can agree with most of what you say except the “ignoring” statement….the silent treatment can also be a way of removing oneself from a harmful situation ( verbal abuse or simply recognizing your buttons have been pushed and instead of lashing out, the high road is to decompress, deal with ones own trash and then come back to address the previous conversation in a productive and respectful way). Silent treatment can be a power trip and it can also be a way of self care.
I would argue that silence saves you saying the wrong thing plus all the things above, and is also a last resort when every rational, reasonable and a serious attempt at logical argument has failed. I've been there and there is no point in discussing with someone who doesn't want to listen.
I think the “silent treatment” is different than taking a breath or a break from a conversation… you’re talking about two different things. As I understand, the “silent treatment” is a form of manipulation where the person is trying to control the other person, get back at them (make them suffer), or control the outcome of a disagreement. With this form of manipulation, the person is turning away from the other person; they are not trying to connect and reconcile differences.
However, it’s completely different and normal when couples decide to take a break from a disagreement because the conversation is getting too tense. That is healthy and working together to work through things in the most peaceful way… And of course, when they are ready, the couple revisits the topic and hopefully comes to a peaceful resolution that strengthens the relationship.
Yes, that is self-care. I do it all the time along with gray rock (being really uninteresting so they don’t want to talk to you) with high narcissistic trait husband.
I agree. When talking is vulnerability to gaslighting and manipulation, silence is your protection
@@yvonnes7412 You nailed it with your descriptions
Actions speak louder than words!! He blames me for crossing boundaries and going in his phone (yes i did, caught him cheating) but he forgot about the boundaries he crossed where you dont cheat on your partner!!! Im the bad guy for finding out
Wow, these are all my past relationships. What an eye opener for me at 50 leaving a 3 year relationship for all the reasons you just explained. I’m proud of myself for leaving. Hurts worse to stay.
I was on here going through profiles and so luckily i came across your marvelous and charming picture of you,which really drew my attention to get in touch with you and also i really love your profile. i believe by God Grace you and your lovely family are protect and safe from what the enemy as plan towards you, Our Father in heaven sees everything He will make sure the devil plan fail upon you and your family Amen
Seek help their is a reason for this may be your are a fixer, and need to see red flags instead of white ones, could go back like me to the ❤way you were raised and by who . Just saying.
I broke off an eight year relationship three months ago and my mouth is open as you said nearly all these points. I wish I knew the signs earlier and didn’t just believe his “This was the last time” and “I’m going to change.” Thank you so much for posting this and look forward to watching more of your content ♥️
When trust is broken, is it reasonable to expect them to earn your trust back? Say they’re caught in a lie, is it unreasonable for them to have to earn your trust back by when there is a doubt, them being proven to be telling the truth? The relationship is over. I just don’t believe I was out of line to expect that. The believed that once he broke my trust, if I was going to forgive, then I needed to fully trust him and wipe the slate clean without there being any thing to show that I could trust him.
We have been together 15 years and 8 years ago it changed, he stopped talking to me, my 39 year old son son passed away last year , he had no illness so it was a massive shock and still to this day he has not put his arms around me not said “I’m sorry”, he doesn’t even sit in the same room as me and it’s my house . I’m so so lonely and still suffering from depression, I’m 62 and he is 64
File for divorce and serve him with eviction notice. If he loved you, he would be there for you while you’re grieving, supporting you and helping you emotionally. You are still young enough to enjoy your life and heal from his abuse.
Get into therapy!! He probably doesn’t know how to give appropriately or maturely. Get yourself in therapy invest in yourself exercise or go to a group art club/volunteer slowly make a plan if you don’t want to be married it’s your choice
Thats awful and unacceptable. walk away
I gave my narcissist the silent treatment. Because I was tired of explaining my feelings, Because no matter what I tried to say I was a lier period!!! No matter what I said or how I would say it. And I was every name in the book! But I'm free from it now and I'm working on loving me!
Only way to go
Using a grey rock method against a narc is NOT stone walling… it’s NOT wrong to avoid conflict.
I was going through all of the abusive things I went through with my ex and more and more tiny things that I didn't even see as abuse finally started to come through to me like "you voice us annoying me" little things he said belittled me constantly but I didn't even see it as abuse because he abused me on a much larger scale as well. Once I realized every little part of my time with him I was being passively abused without understanding why I felt so horrible about my existence.... its wild when the veil drops and you realize it was all an act.
This info never gets old, even for those of us past the prime of our lives (but find ourselves dating).
big salute to those person who really work hard to be better, not someone who's full on talks but still do the same thing again and again. this is hard.
Thank you Mel. You just described the dynamic between myself and my "family". I am totally exhausted all the time l just want to get as far away from them as humanly possible.
Hi Mel I have been dealing with these issues with my sister. I don't think it's only romantic relationships I think it's sibling abuse and bullying as well that nobody talks about. My mom just passed away and my sister is/has always gas lighted situations but now that my mom is gone it's times 100! I'm 51 and she's 53
I have the same situation with both my sister and mother. Been that way my whole life with both of them being the domineering, bullying, chronic compulsive gaslighter, and needy attention seeker who has tantrums when she can’t get her own way and gives the silent treatment and cold shoulder, even disowning. When they are actually speaking to each other (or to me) they tell fake stories about our past (outright LIES), brag and exaggerate about themselves, blame the other or anyone else but themselves for their problems, interrupt and talk over whoever else is speaking and try to turn the conversation back to talking about themselves, name call and put down each other (or me) and try to impose their very vociferous opinions on each other (or on me) and tell each other how they “should” act or live or dress or think or decorate their house or whatever the subject is and constantly criticize and belittle every detail of each other’s and my life. I know they do it to make themselves feel superior and try to cover up their own crappy lives and low self esteem, and they’re jealous that I have a good life and a good marriage of almost 30 years (they’ve both been divorced a couple times and had many failed relationships). It’s infuriating. Our Mom is 79, Sister is 61 and I’m 57. Four years ago I finally put my foot down and told them I refuse to be treated like shit by them anymore and will no longer tolerate the way they behave and the way they speak to and about me and the way they treat me and if they can’t be polite and civil and respectful then they can no longer be a part of my life and good luck to them, I wish them well and have a good life. My sister stormed off in a huff and went back home out of state and I haven’t heard from her since. I just shake my head and walk away and go live my own life without them, but it’s incredibly frustrating and sad whenever I have to deal with either of them. It’s been 4 years since Mom and I both last spoke with my sister after her last blowup, but honestly I’m so much happier and better off with her NOT in my life. I wish she would have taken Mom with her instead of leaving her with me! However our grandmother was still alive and Mom was her caregiver at the time (poor Granny).
I may have to drop Mom on sister’s doorstep with a note, a blanket and a sandwich soon! It would be well worth the gas and the long, annoying drive to give them both what they deserve…each other!
Simply cut them off.🙄
@@dohnutz8452 sad story. Just let them know the door is opened when they are willing to apologize for hurting you so you don’t have any regrets. It’s all you can do n you will feel better knowing that you didn’t kick them out of ur life for no good reason. Its too hurtful to bear the things you feel n hear.. If they want to hash things out they must go forward with a promise to only discuss personal problems with you directly face to face if possible. Hope it works out. Losing family is very painful. Everyone loses. Good luck.
@@dohnutz8452 this hit me hard-very similar feelings
Oh I so relate to this.
Thanks!
Mel once again you nailed and gave it straightforward the way we have to hear it..honestly these TOXIC identifying people/relationships should be taught in the school curriculum starting 6 grade. 😊♥️
Starting at birth!
100% agree
No they’d rather teach the 62 different genders and cross dressing
Relationship Revival Geoffrey Setiawan
100% Great Work Keep ! Lots of Love Mel.
Thank you for this video. Last night I realised I have been 32 years with the wrong person. It really hurts. How to move forward? I don't know . Letting him go is going to be very very hard. I need time to work on me and to accept what is happening. Not easy to keep smiling and looking as if everything is OK when I know I am done. Sad times ahead.
I'm so sorry 😞
My sister just recently divorced her husband of 38 years. She decided she was done and exploded. I kept telling her to slow down and come up with a plan first but being a narcissist herself couldn’t wait. It turned out ok as they had a lot of assets but man that was tough to watch! It is a emotional roller coaster (I went through it also) but living without the day to day stress is worth it. I’d say talk with friends about all the details because even her grown kids didn’t want to listen to her. Her ex told the kids that he had no idea why she wanted a divorce. 🙄 Haha, yep he’s a narcissist also. Good luck and stay strong!
Hang in there my friend. If you don't have to leave asap and leave when You know your ready it's a little bit easier but hard getting to that final point of being Done
@@chipp60 the grass is always greener on the other side.
I hope you are well. I sent a powerful prayer your way because God knows who you are and what you need. HE loves you and do not want you to suffer. Please trust the guidance HE has put in you.
Deal breakers;
1.) lies.
2.) silent treatment (manipulating by ignoring you).
3.) Lack of healthy boundaries.
4.) Weaponizes your insecurities.
5.) Calling you ugly names (amen F*that!).
6.) Power over behaviors, ignoring interrupting constantly, correcting…
6.) Controlling, snooping through your stuff is stalker ish! Beware, these types.
7.) Sole decision making, with big stuff.
8.) Telling you how you should feel vs. validating “how”, you feel, it is a Big Deal!
9.) Ignores your boundaries, gives you a hard time because you want/need to do what you want/need to do. Walks all over you…in words, attitudes or deeds. Usually if something feels wrong it’s because Something is wrong. As women say what you want, say what you need. Be willing to change yourself and expect the changes you need to see. Thanks, Great Video!
Check #3, #6, and #6
Yes! "Be willing to change yourself and expect the changes you need to see."
Yeah men too you ffffing women cheat more than men get over yourselves your behavior is worse than men's quite alot
It makes sense an no gender intended my memory is not selective all those points make sense.Your either crazy like Narcissist or neurotic an you blend well or you just get labeled as you say an you move on.Having a Soul mate is not superficial I had a vision of woman I was to meet one day years later we met an violently moved through our worldly family no kids about 2 years of marriage an it's failing. I just don't measure up like naked baby in hell stuck in my infancy an infantile life.Well it can just go blow somewhere else got it ladies adios!
With #2 one does not need to deal with anyone that has put hands on you or threatened you. (In any form of a relationship not just partner)
Thank you! ugh yes - the big decisions without consulting thing really kept bothering me. Then he ended it. I was close to graveling and apologizing until this.
It is amazing how we go thru the same things and when Mel was speaking it is like she is in my life. Thanks for calling all this sh*t out. I am glad for all us here who are getting empowered from this advice and wisdom. Thanks Mel!!!
The silent treatment can also be from feeling exhausted to the point where you don't even know what to say anymore.
That is just stepping back and being quiet for a while, isn't it normal to not talk when you don't have anything to say?
@@Tarienidu1I tried talking and my husband would get defensive and would punch walls or sometimes push me around or threaten to hit me.
The silent treatment may be the only effective communication. When 1 party cant acknowldge any responsability in a situations why go thru a conversation that cant go anywhere.
Then you communicate that. The silent treatment is abusive period!!!!!!
@Tarienidu1 Yes, it's normal for maybe a couple of hours. But for 2-3 days, it's totally not. Now they're using the silent treatment as a form of punishment & that's emotional abuse.
Too bad I didn't see this video 20 years ago. My ex-husband had most of these red flags and after 19 years I finally realize what a healthy partnership should look like. Thanks 😊
Sorry to hear.. 12 years for me.
@@juliahuynh9592 15 years, my stress level was two thousand percent, he died, and the day after the funeral I woke up and took a breath freely and stress free, I cried when I realized what I DISRESPECT I had survived
Happy for you dear@robbiNdebi, stay safe 🤜🤛🤞
And I'm sure you had no red flags
Ms perfect
@@versatileduplicity9313 What an oddly defensive comment. I genuinely hope you're feeling better today. Best wishes.
So many beautiful woman have suffered in a relationship with a guy they thought they loved or could fix. Before you know it your blaming yourself and losing you. Thank you for this video it truly will save lives.
7:50 this was my entire relationship. Everything I did he commented on how he didn't like it, found it weird, basic, trash, whatever negative condescending word he felt like using at the time. The way I brushed my teeth, the shoes I wore, what I liked to watch on TV, the volume I watched it at, the food I ate, the way I put water in juice because it's too sweet for me without it. Etc. Things I have never in my life been insecure about, but it seemed almost like he wanted me to feel insecure about those things. Oh the way I drive, the way I sleep, it felt like he made fun of me for everything. And he knew that I didn't like that because I told him many times. He said that bullying was his love language. He said that he wasn't making fun of me, he was "appreciating" me. It sure didn't feel that way, and he knew that, and he kept doing it anyway.
edit:
Yep of course he always told me that I was the problem, that I misinterpreted him, that I misheard him, that I was taking what he said too personally, etc. I didn't realize that this was gaslighting, but now I agree that it definitely was.
It definitely was, what a cruel Man.
Oh my, that sounds familiar. He tells me I'm a victim when I say please don't say those things.
Gaslighting indeed. Really sorry you even gone thru that with a person that doesn’t respect your feelings
i hear you,it is like talking about my life up to 5 years ago
Thank you, I am fully aware of the type of relationship I am in. You just clarified everything to me that there is an EXIT sign on the front door. It is having the courage to walk out that door and never look back.
I completely agree with you.
You’ve got to build each other up. Be that persons cheerleader. If your tearing them down and disrespecting them, you’ve got the issues. I’d also look to the parents. If you see the same qualities in one or both parents, it’s the evil gift that keeps on giving.
Great video Mel- exactly why all my marriages failed…the respect was nonexistent! I didn’t see this till we were married - all 3 were narcissists- I’ve since healed my own trauma from my own childhood so I can now make sure I don’t settle for this behavior or look over red flags. I’ve found a healthy relationship after my last failed marriage because I did a lot of healing, therapy and self reflection from my traumatic childhood experiences…I’m a 6 figure extremely successful woman who owns their own business- anyone can have bad relationships! Work on what you can control and walk away from anything that doesn’t feel like a good place for you!!
They said I needed to be more trusting, I was hurt in the old relationships. This was them gaslighting, skipping over their lies and disrespecting. It got me focused on being better. Watch for those pink flags. 💗
Yup. They lie, you call them out, they deny and turn it around on you not “trusting” them. It’s abuse. 😢
It's really their
perception to you the trust issues ..their perception is off the lack of trust comes from them
Mel, I gave the silent treatment to my narcissist because it was always “my fault” if something went wrong. I didn’t want to give in any longer. I was open to talking it out but felt I was talking to the wall.
Its always funny how they love doing the silent treatment and you're supposed to take it, but when you give it back, they can't deal
I stopped talking when it became obvious talking about the weather doesn’t solve problems. He attacks me with personal insults instead of working with me to fix what’s wrong. It’s exhausting.
Stacy, I am in the same boat. I don't think she has an answer for us. I can't leave my relationship. The only way I can survive is to be quiet. If you find an answer to this please let me know. You alone can not fix the relationship....just learn survival.
th-cam.com/video/MxIptaDgVkY/w-d-xo.html
@@marianmartin9441
I agree with you.
Certainly many of the behaviors described deserve a response of silence because any attempt to communicate will be met with further, disrespect via negativity, put downs, lies, blaming, criticism etc.
I’m feeling this so much right now. I hate my life and am depressed because I didn’t listen to my instincts. I am controlled, gaslit, invalidated, disrespected, ignored.
I hope you’re okay + that you got out!!
OMG, your feeling and living my life right now
Me too. I don’t know how old you are but believe this, you will wake up one day having spent 46 years living like that and at rock bottom. Don’t let your life go by while being treated so badly. Your body and mind will pay the price for your misery. Please get help or whatever you need to be happy. Get away from anyone who treats you so badly.
Get away don’t kill your self like my son just did. 24 Rip. Bad girl
I feel you...I was with girl who was so disrespecting, so unhonest and toxic that made me toxic to because she was having multiple guys talking to her a lot of ex boyfriends, "fans","friends"...probably cheating ,calling me names ...but still didnt let me leave her... It made me cheking on her constantly and wanting to spend more time with her...and after she found New "love of her life" theese mine toxic behaviours was her reason... I still feel bad and even after Sessions of teraphy i dont know what to think and I feel bad about myself...
This is great stuff. Opening my eyes but I'm so insecure and anxious I always end up with these people. Trauma bonding.
Try to use these tips while in a relationship to hold yourself accountable as well. We are not all perfect in relationships and I’m sure everyone listening to this saying that this is happening to them is also doing some of these things. Relationships take a lot of work!
Well said. I was thinking the same thing. Of all of the people pointing fingers, I'm Certain that their significant other would tick boxes for their experience with them too. LOL
Have a nice day.
What works best is when all parties are open to admitting they've made these errors and making changes, all parties are free to raise the issue when feel disrespected. This includes children, who can be taught far more functional ways of relating than is usually done at present.
Totally agree, I have a really bad habit of minimizing situations or deflecting (basically lying) because when I was younger any issues that arose with school etc I was punished in ways that were crazy ridiculous compared to what had actually happened. Lying and hiding stuff kept me safe at the time from my mother, even if I did tell the truth she wouldn't believe me. It's really hard to finally realize how much it's affecting my work and adult relationships. If anything could result in an issue I'll hide it and try and fix it to basically cover it up or I'll minimize it Instead of being honest. It's really hard to unprogram this stuff and I've been working hard on it in therapy.
yes it takes two persons but when one is not trying but have all the demands its bad its hard.
@@cilaptrciliJesus was not killed nor Jesus was crucified
Mine throws the fact my dad is dead now so i have no one left to protect me. This is one of the nicer things he has done. I am finally getting out, thanks Mel!
My bf said i should go in coffin with my dead mother bringing those we lost sgainst us is evil hope my mum starts to haunt him
@@saprogrammer2702 That’s an absolutely horrible thing to say to your wife! I think you lack any empathy whatsoever.
I know how that feels,since my dad died, I have no one left. And they know it hurts. I hope you leave peacefully, and heal in time.
By the sounds of it you should have have left a long time ago, any man who would say something like that does not deserve to be loved by you or anyone, and I am a man.
@@saprogrammer2702 Hope you were being sarcastic, otherwise you are seriously pathetic.
Thank you!! I truly truly hope that anyone in a relationship that is having ANY doubts at all will watch this and please heed your advice. Over 25 years of marriage and the red flags were flying early. Every single one of these 9 things. Unfortunately I was in denial, didn’t have enough strength within myself, low self esteem… it definitely WILL get worse if these behaviors are let go. I can’t get those years back, but with the help of an amazing therapist and a lot of hard work I am finally making progress to restore and mend those parts of me that were damaged so badly I feel like I didn’t even have much sense of self or who I really was anymore. Moving on with my life, trying to start fresh with a whole new perspective on self respect and self worth, finding inner peace and most importantly, building a string radar for any of those 9 behaviors. Thank you again, such wisdom on absolutely crucial fundamentals for not only a relationship or marriage but setting and maintaining boundaries for one’s own self respect.
“Seems obvious” yes, in hindsight. Which is why it’s so helpful to watch videos like this, to put the current situation into perspective.
Thank you Mel 🙏
Mel, say it LOUDER for the people in the back. AMEN!
Yep all 9 signs were there 39 years ago when I naively got married at 23. Didn't realize what was going on until about 30 years into it. I would love to go my separate way but narcist spouse will make my life a living hell and attempt to destroy my relationship with OUR adult children and our grandchildren. He knows that is most important to me and will do anything he can to ruin my life. He is so insecure he will never leave although he knows I checked out emotionally years ago. Very said.
Hi there! This person has already ruined part of your life for many years 😒, BUT.... Your kids are grown and they probably know you are suffering or unhappy... The more he does to you or says to your kids the more he proves he is abusive to you... Your kids would most likely take your side... If they don't.... oh well... Its hard but it is a choice... Or.. Stay with your husband for the ease but do whatever it takes for your health and satisfaction... YOU DESERVE TO BE 😊 HAPPY!! I WISH YOU WELL!!
Hi try to get him To vent his nasty ness and record on your phone , get a few on stock , then ,if he starts being mean , you have ammunition
I have a spouse who knows how to manipulate things to make him all shiny. I'm afraid I'd be left with nothing but the clothes on my back. I don't work cuz of a disability, I'm in my late 50s and I'm married to someone who has a notebook of info for ammo when needed. He can be downright nasty.
Did you get re-married?
Hasn't he already made your life a living hell?
This video was so helpful for me to examine my own behaviours towards my partner and make me face my own shadow self... I realise I'd been exhibiting about 7 of the 9 traits!! My relationship has improved as a result now I'm aware of these toxic behaviours.. I just didn't know any better... But now I do! 🙏
Love this video. The EXACT words that I’ve been trying to tell my boyfriend so we can have a healthy & respectful relationship. You hit it right on & it needs to be stopped or walk out. You got it!!! Most EXCELLENT!!!! Well done!!
All 9 signs were present in my 21 year marriage so thankful I got out.
Yay!! So happy for you.
21 yrs here too I'm sick of it have 3 kids 2 at home I need to get away
My girlfriend did all these things to me and lots more. Took me years to eventually learn about these and figure out she was a narcissist. I'm 2 months separated now, I look better, feel better and am now wary of getting into another relationship.
A great way to figure out a person is to see if their friends are piers...If all their friends look up to them....watch out..
This is the first Mel teaching that I have been able to connect with, but I think I love her now for sure!
9 sign I'm not in a relationship I'm single and not living alone happy no stress and living in peace!
Same thing w/me relationships hurts
You deserve equal energy exchange
Many prayers for us all! Especially us givers. Healthy boundaries are not selfish, they are life saving
I am going to listen to this every week to remind myself that my ex partner was guilty of 3, 5, and 8, and I was constantly having my feelings dismissed and ignored but then also he would blame me for all the problems in our relationship. Setting boundaries made me a problem and he kicked me to the curb when I set them.