DEALING WITH narcissists who think they are empathic
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 พ.ย. 2024
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/no...
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani....
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramanine...
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRU...
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9G...
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple...
Spotify: open.spotify.c...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.c...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
I believe some narcissists confuse their ability to key in on people’s vulnerabilities as empathy.
Oh! I bet you're right!!!
This is totally it! Thank you! Still learning about dark empaths.
Perfectly said.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water.
The predator must know it's prey.
and you know what's the strangest part about having to deal with narcissists who think they're empathic? They think you're the one lacking empathy and being cruel only for setting boundaries with them, it's such a heartache
Don’t get me started. Now that she learned the word “boundary” every selfish demand is a “boundary”
Like yelling about any small inconvenience and then yelling at me to shut up and how’s that’s a “boundary”
Lol ok 👌🏼
@@yashasaur so she's using the word "boundary" to break your boundaries? What has our world come to...
I swear narcissists are researching themselves around just to make sure they blur every single notion that could help us in order to render us completely confused about what to do anymore
same with my abuser- when I set a boundary- she acts like she's being attacked
Yup. On the nose. Me setting a boundary and asking to be called by my new legal name. Nope I'm the one oppressing them by asking for a single word to change. Because I'm "overstepping religious boundaries" or something like that.
@@hawkspirals3483 my ex cried outside the bathroom door and went on about not caring about his feelings because I wanted the door shut when I peed. He also called me a narcissist when I broke my away from his control. 🤔
Every narcissist I’ve ever met has uttered the words “I know I’m a good person”, or “I’m just too nice” at least once in my presence. They are completely and totally DELUSIONAL.
I loved the line on The Simpsons when Mr, Burns exclaims, "I'm too nice!" The writers knew these types.
I totally agree with you as I’ve heard this same thing from the toxic and narcissistic person.
My mother has said that sh is a good person, but her actions don't match her words and yet she has threatened me so easily to remove my special needs children from me.
"I am the last hope of my family’s lineage" - another variation I heard from a narcissist. 😅
The most abusive and sadistic people I've ever known said "I am a good person."
This describes my mum. She is capable of acts of generosity but she's always ready to use it against you if you say something she doesn't like. It's a means of control.
I think we have the same mother. 🥴
Yes, one nice thing done, isn't reciprocal. It's a prison.
You use your autopilot when you drive around?
@@edlynpz we all do
Oh the show my mother puts on is spectacular in this regard...
She is terrified of not being seen as a good mother.
Like some doctors dont ever want folk to see that they themsleves might not be that healthy in the old narcissist dept.
How many videos?
Stuffing their pockets with cash..."i do this to help people", lol.
Ok.
Sure.
anytime someone goes out of their way to call themselves an empath, it’s a red flag for me. actually empathetic people don’t feel the need to point out or flaunt their empathy, because to us its just a normal part of being a person. its like how dishonest people constantly like to say how honest they are.
Often, being an empath is not even something empaths really like being. Very often it’s incredibly tiring and overwhelming.
Being an empath has a specific meaning in spiritual circles. It means feeling others feelings as if they were yours and reading feelings like a psychic person would read minds. They may not mean it how you think when they say "I'm an empath". Just saying
hmmmm what if i just say i’m an empath because of trauma for the past people saying i’m either a cunt/bitch/or people pleasing tendencies
or my narcissistic ex playing mind tricks & saying my empathys fake turning into me either ending the conversation or having a panic attack / arguing with him :/ yeah… it’s been a rough few months
but i don’t like flaunting that i’m an empath it’s just a v beautiful word i’m a linguaphile
Lol. I used to think I was an empath. Now I know I am a narcissist. It's extremely hard to watch these videos sometimes but I find them helpful navigating and coming to terms with my negative and abusive behavior. Thanks Dr. Ramani.
It's better to be self aware with narcissistic traits and to work on them, than to never question those things about yourself and function in ignorance
I am currently suspecting to be one as well and try to find out by watching a lot of videos and read a lot about it. So so so many things seem to hit the nail on the head... my boyfriend knows about this as well but I have always been open about me not being able to love him like he loves me and I told him that I am manipulative and such after we met and he still wants to be with me. Lately, when i notice that i manipulated him I explain to him exactly what I did and how. He believes that I am a perfect person and that everything I do is because of my childhood and the immense stress in my life. I am not sure if I'll ever find my old, original self again which was truly creative and probably empathic before it decided to basically "kill" itself and turn a switch into being a somewhat narcissistic person. I wonder if every narcissist remembers how they were before it all started and if it is possible to find back to the self that takes all the world as it is and lets it affect us instead of having this made-up perfect self (which is funny because it feels like inside are multiple personalities, how can i be perfect yet feel depressed at times? And so on). It is so confusing and life feels so overwhelming. I was trying to get help but it doesn't align with my current work schedule and I am too scared of anyone finding out so I'll wait a few months for an appointment and maybe then I'll finally know what's right and what's wrong. It feels good putting these words out there, maybe someone will find it interesting to read? Have a nice day.
Whenever you talk to people, try to be as less hurtful as possible to them. Try to imagine what they might think about something and how you could interact with them in the best possible way, that helps you both.
Good luck for your life. Acknowledgement of weakness is actually a strength. So keep on walking this road. You're on the right path. 🙏❤️
@@sirbughunter I appreciate that. It's definitely something I have to do cognitively. 🙏
the fact that you're able to recognise this and want to change is a massive step. i wish you good luck.
My sister who is a narcissist says how she is an empath all the time. One time she said she was so empathic she can feel the pain of the strangers driving by the house in their cars. I think I almost laughed out loud.
hahahah
Lol, so everyone who drives past her house is miserable then? Or has arthritis?
@@writerinprogress Seems that way 😂 No one is allowed to be happy if she is not happy so that must be it.
lmfao
My goodness. Isn't that the truth. The amount of people on youtube who deem themselves to be "empaths" is staggering. And when taken to task how they can feel exactly how someone can without being the other person is routinely answered with hostility or down right vitriol. They are deeming themselves to be more spiritual and feeling than anyone else who isn't a narcissist. The irony is breathtaking.
Thank you Dr Ramani, so true. My malignant narcissistic father, who was violent, abusive, and terrorized our family, insisted he was an empathetic person. Gave big tips, was very kind and generous to people in our neighborhood. His last words to me were “I am not a selfish person”. He was the most dangerous person I ever had in my life, and I was relieved when he died.
I have family and neighbors like this in Minnesota. And the yuse the "Minnesota nice" thing to cover up horrible things they do... Sending love from a 100% discarded scapegoat~!
@@LOVEtoPLAYdrums
I was the scapegoat 💯 as well, it’s took years to heal me and I’m still not quite there yet. Blessings to you hun- I twill pray for you. 🙏🏽
Brooklyn bred
Same here, it was the same with my mother (who I’ve forgiven by the grace of God)
I was brought up with many narcissists.
Blessings to you hun,
I will pray for you. 🙏🏽
I too was relieved when my narc parent died. And I don't feel guilty about it. What I was not prepared for were the memories my brain now felt safe to remember. I am better now, 3 years later, but still have days where I just cannot understand.
Dr. Ramani, you have helped me so much! I know I may never know the events or meanings, but can still move forward everyday towards my potential, regardless. I thank you for myself, as well as so many others you help daily. You are inspiring!
@@LOVEtoPLAYdrums that "Minnesota Nice" thing has always made me feel uneasy. Like it's some kind of cult.
I know a woman who says this often. She’ll say things like “I tune into ppls vulnerabilities, and I know I could destroy them with them. But I don’t bc I’m an empath”. Honey, this is not how this works.
That's a dark empath
Anything said like this to anyone is only a reflection of themselves what they see in others they haven't or can't deal with yet. Best way to deal with a narcissist is change the conversation they feel over empowered in controlling you. They don't like distractions on the point they try to make 👍
sounds like Borderline
sounds more like having morals to me
maybe they confuse being able to connect and analyze with empathy? i can see how its related......
@@StephenHarrison-gw1yu Do you mean people tuning into peoples vulnerabilities?
If so, I think there could be a few different cases as well, for example, someone might monitor someone's emotional response to things in order to find out what bothers them, once that's figured out, beating them in a mind game is pretty easy.
So since the person is reacting to what the other person is saying in such a way, it can't just be a reflection, at least not in this case.
The most bizarre is when you'll hear them say, "Unlike you, I'm an empath" and it makes you feel like you've lost grip on reality.
I think that when they say that, it is because they know you are more capable of feeling accurately what is real.
Unlike you and im an empath don't go together, 🚩🚩
I noticed "i'm an empath" meant she was hyper sensitive. When it came to empathy and love towards me it was non-existant. crazy-making for sure
For real!!! It's crazy too because i am an empath- even people who dont really know me know me can tell and were the ones to tell me im that way. Then my narcissistic bf tries to say he's the empathetic one and im "cold and mean" oh and he goes out of his way to tell people how great he is and how much of a victim he is oh and how nice and good of a guy he is. Im like, you shouldnt have to vocalize those things, those should be things people notice about you on their own. If you have to advocate it you're probably lying to yourself and whoever you're telling lol
I know!!! I have a sister that can’t maintain a relationship with anyone, nobody, yet is convinced she is an empath and those she can’t get along with the problem. I keep thinking she will finally put two and two together and realize she is the narcissist, not everyone else, but to no avail. At this point, she will likely die alone and in complete denial
Some narcissists see empathy as soft and weak, which is how they justify taking advantage of those who are genuinely empathic. 😔
Machiavellianism
Your words are my story. I attract narcissistic people and they take advantage of my softness and always putting everybody’s needs before my own. I’m learning things about myself as I’m healing.
@@Emily_Paris May I suggest you change your language here too! I ATTRACT NARCISSISTS, How about I USED TO ATTRACT NARCISSISTS, I NO LONGER DO THAT! I'M HEALING AND LEANING INTO GIVING MYSELF THE SAME LOVE, CARE AND GRACE THAT I GIVE TO OTHERS BECAUSE THAT'S WHOLESOME. IF I HAVE THE KINDNESS TO LOOK AT OTHERS AND SAY THEY ARE HUMAN AND HAVE INTRINSIC WORTH AND MUST BE TREATED WITH HUMANITY, I MUST NOT FORGET I'M SOMEONE TOO, I'M HUMAN TOO, I MUST TREAT MYSELF WITH HUMANITY AND KINDNESS TOO AND FROM HEREON FORWARD I WILL BECAUSE I CAN!!!
Love and light to you ❤️
I fell for it😢
That is one reason I use the word "empathic" instead of "empathetic". Not only is it easier to say, but it doesn't contain the word "pathetic".
My mom confuses generosity with kindness. She will be extremely rude and demanding to waiters and then justify it with “I’m leaving a big tip.” And I’m just like… that is not it.
That bish.. how could she do that confusing generosity with kindness 😔 I don't know what to do with it but I don't think 🤔 is a good idea
You're right. That is definitely not it 😅
Keep caring for yourself, Haley. I think you're an empath, judging from your pfp. You seem to have experienced many very negative things which your mimics reflect. You have a sadness in your eyes and it hurts me to see it.
Please care for you for once more than you care for others 🙏🙏❤️
Have a good life 🖖
One time I told my mother that I didn’t think she liked my husband and her immediate response was “of course I like him, I’ve done so much for him! We even took him on that family vacation!” She really didn’t see anything weird about explaining how much she liked him based solely on material things she’d bought him rather than talking about the qualities she actually liked about him. 🤣
😂
That makes me cringe
My experience with my narcs has been that they think that the times they've given to others or shown superficial interest in others is considered empathy when in actuality they were calculated, manipulative, and even performative acts to serve themselves!
BRAVO!!! Couldn't have said it better myself!
Yes! If they want something from someone, they put on their empathy show. But it's all just fake! They still don't care about you!
Yup
Yes I was waiting for this comment, their display of generosity is only a means of control and manipulation
The day after my gallbladder surgery, my mum came to my bedroom to see how I was.. empathy right? "I was on the phone to my friend all afternoon because I was so worried and scared that something could go wrong! Well, you look better, I've got to go upstairs and log in, I'll check on you at lunch." The woman didn't even wait for me to respond. Or ask at any time what my feelings about the surgery might have been.
Sigh.
"Empathy isn't WORK for healthy people." Wow, that line hit me hard. Thank you for this video! 🥰😇🥳
Write me something crazy hypocritical
It is if you try to empathise WITH a narcissist.
@@andrewsomebody844 you are doing a great job yourself in that vein of thinking.
Can gou write something else flippant and shallow and bitter?
Billy graham lol. You're a great one
Her definition of ‘empathy’ is stupid. Her explanation and example basically amounts to a very ironically narcissistic ‘you’re not empathetic unless you socially react exactly the way that I want you to socially react’. That’s not what empathy actually is. That’s just being emotionally manipulative.
“Generosity and empathy are not the same thing.” Hit me right between the eyes with that one. Validation I’ve wanted for a long time. ❤️
Every single person I’ve ever met who claimed to be an empath umprompted was a raging narcissist
Empaths don't know they are empaths.
@@faithkadiri1254this is untrue
@@faithkadiri1254 I'm sick of people telling me that they are Christains and then preaching at me to make me a better person or Christain. NO !!! I'll tell you if your a Christain by your genuine behaviour and peaceful kind smile.
@@faithkadiri1254that is an absurd statement. Humans whom are not self aware are not aware of what they are, not an entire category of people.
I've known a woman who was devastated when she saw roadkill or a felled tree, yet she treated the people around her, including her own sons, with more condemnation, contempt and cold harshness then I have ever seen before... She totally thought of herself as a very spiritual, caring empath.
I knew a narcissist who thought she was empathic. And during the information gathering phase she sure could feel very empathic. But the second you pushed back at her during the devaluation phase and she happened to be disregulated you found out just how unempathetic she'd been all along.
Narcissistic people can 'be' empathic towards people they value, but I think that can be different to people who 'are' empathic as a trait which goes to their core.
I worked with someone like this at a charity. I saw big red flags when she asked me for tips on how she could better relate to the community members.
@@timothydraper3687 They're probably only pretending to be empathic or they tell themselves they are and they're fooling themselves.
@@timothydraper3687 that they "value"? more like who they want something from.
@@anwiii55 I guess it perhaps depends on which of the definitions of 'value' one projects onto something on the internet, and doesn't quite agree with. I figured it went without saying that it's within a narcissism frame of reference that I mean value, with this being about narcissism, but I could have been clearer too...
Honestly, whenever someone says "I'm an empath", alarm bells start ringing immediately.
A red flag is when they say, “I’m the ONLY one who understands you”. It’s how they isolate their victims. They’re bullies who buy presents.
💯
You got presents? Mine was very tight with her money!
@@almor2445 the presents were really just hoovering. Stay safe friend. ❤️
@taotaostrong mine bought me a piece of paper for Christmas last year. It was obviously meant to be a sht test I couldn't react to without ruining the day. Kinda clever in an evil sort of way!
@@almor2445 Oooohhh! That is FOUL! I’m sorry you had to endure that.
“Narcissism is basically a series of defences a person is surrounded by that protects their fragile ego.” Wonderful. Knew this but its still so useful hearing you verbalise it. Thanks Dr.Ramani!
It's a perfect summation, and stops one from ruminating and trying to make it make sense in a way which is 'normal' or none narcissistic.
Ok so why is he the bad guy? I don’t understand
Willful aimed aggression is NOT self defense.
The famous psychoanalyst, Otto Kernberg, wrote a lot about that kind of thing. He believed that narcissism was basically a defence mechanism against an underlying borderline personality type.
@@zeddeka Thanks this helped a lot. Looking into this right now.
Yup. I used to think "you're not empathetic because you hate to see people cry. You just want them to shut up because it's not about you."
I know narcissists like that, they don't really know what empathy is. This is very validating and educational. Thank you!💕💕💕
My abusive ex called himself an empath. He also used to have narcissistic rages where he would scream vile things at me for 2 or 3 hours straight. When I finally broke down crying, guess what? He was able to flip a switch and suddenly HE would start sobbing and crying and expected me to comfort him because in his mind, he was the true victim. Don't miss those days.
Holy smokes yes, this is a thing and it's exhausting! 🥵🥺😦
Jesus this hit hard.
***SIGH*** it's the only way for him to feel needed. and narcissists need to feel needed so they can use it against you later. glad he's your ex. none of that shit was your fault
Giiiiirl literally the same thing happened to me!!!! I’m supposed to press a pause button on my hurt and brokenness and tend to you crying because YOU hurt me??? Excuse me what! I still never wrapped my head around his behaviours.
:( I’m so sorry. These people are delusional. Their narrative is the one that matters. I’m glad you got out of there. You deserve better.
My sister is a narcissist, she is very vindictive and a champion at smear campaigns. She’s now training to be a councillor! I fear what damage she will do to her clients!
The narcissist that almost destroyed me also wanted to study psychology. She wasn’t able to, so she had to continue studying education. She has been a teacher for more than a decade. I’m fearful for humanity’s future with teachers like her.
A lot of councillors are narcissistic. That's often why they put themselves up for election.
Definitely wouldn't be a good trait in a counsellor, though...
@@LinLin256Growing up can you honestly not pinpoint any of your teachers as narcissistic? That's a part of my healing bro 😂 but yes it's important to recognize these personalities EVERYWHERE.
@@yoyoyo-on3ufI think more than half of teachers I had were abusive. That’s bad enough. I haven’t been close to the worst of them to see if they were also narcissists or not. But certainly 1 was absolute narcissist. She was infamous in any schools she worked in 💔💔
A hugely disproportionate number of disturbed people go into psychology, social work and counselling - their trusting clients become their victims. They love the power imbalance and control.
My mother "I'm the most loving mother"
My therapist "good parents don't go around constantly saying they're great parents. They question themselves and hope they're doing okay"
Edit she was scary and violent as heck
Sounds like my mom… Never admitted to any wrong doings - everything was always somebody else’s fault. Especially MY fault. 😅
This was my mother, except the line was "I'm the best mother"
Thank you. I really needed to hear that today. Not only was I told she was a great parent, I was also told I had no right to resent them for anything, because they were so great 💀
@@SwiftRabbit-w7g I really hesitate to suggest this because it can be triggering but I just watched some estranged parent content because I'm in a place where I can do it. They blatantly discourage taking accountability and say things like "just know you did the best you could"😑😒 they're ridiculous
@@catsncrows thank you. I'm a year into NC, but got badly triggered this week as I found her sneaking a visit with my son at the park on Monday. I absolutely do not subscribe to the idea that my parents did the best they could. Not anymore. I've made excuses for their behaviors for 40 odd years. It took me months before I could watch the content on TH-cam to help me understand what I was going through, it can certainly be deeply triggering 🥴
She flat blamed me for her sneaking around on Monday. It's both amusing and deeply upsetting and unsettling. I was told that I started it all 🙃
I went to a restaurant/club of sorts back when I was dating my ex Narc in my 20's. I had no idea about narcissism back then. I watched her go up to someone who was sitting by themselves and looked incredibly sad. She sat down and started talking to the person. I remember watching her and thinking, "that is so kind and loving," I thought she was being empathic. Nope, I was with her for 3 years... 100% narcissist. What I saw from her that day I saw many times after. This was her mimicking what she thought a good person looked like. It was also a way to keep me guessing because the cognitive dissonance was too strong for me at the time. Later, when I knew her better, when she became upset she would cry and wail, "I'm a good person!" No one said she wasn't. It was her trying to convince herself. It's all so sick. Such a validating video. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Exactly! They know how a "good person" is supposed to be like, so they just put on their empathy show. But none of that is real. They still don't care about others.
My ex did exactly the same thing ,she loved impressing people she didnt even know .She would go out of her way with gifts food etc I was just blown away ,it took me years to figure her out. I still don’t understand it .
@@alonzomosley7 I think it may have to do with cognitive dissonance, Dr. Ramani, please correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel that they can't come to terms with the way they wish to view themselves and who they truly are. I think that by mirroring who they view as "good people," they somehow feel like they really are good? Or maybe it's just self-preservation. Maybe both. Does that make any sense? It's my theory on it anyway.
The "I'm a good person!" part happened with my ex narc. Whenever I verbally cornered him about his shitty behavior, he would start yelling "I'm a good person!" to "protect" himself from me, the "narcissist." He regularly accused me of narcissism and I had no idea at that time what that was. When the stakes were particularly high and he couldn't defend his bad behavior, he'd actually cry while cursing me out.
It’s the false self she’s protecting at all costs. The mask.
This is exactly how my mother operates. She prides herself on her empathy and great memory. Neither of which she has. Growing up with it was incredibly confusing and difficult.
My grandma was like that too!!
My father is very much like this. You aren't alone!
idk what exactly it is about this comment, but this is what my mom is.
thank you so much for pointing me on it!!
All the toxic people I've encountered really thought they were genuinely compassionate and empathic. The kicker is that the people around them believed them. You don't know whether to laugh or vomit. Pay attention to their actions more than their words. Real empaths don't typically advertise themselves nor make a show of their empathy.
🎯
Exactly my exwife. Bragging as empathethic saint while abusing whole family, being vindictive as hell and throwing tantrums to every poor soul available.
You’re not alone
We were on the same battlefield until we went no contact and retreated
Sounds just like my ex's sister.
I've see this is friend's relationships... I'm sorry you went thru this... It hurts bad and damages happiness... Use your shields when ever you can~! Much love~!
@@LOVEtoPLAYdrums ⚔️🛡️☝🏾
Ditto
So much of what being an 'empath' is is actually a trauma response. I learned to be an absolute master of placation. Now, I do generally intend good will to those around me, but, growing up in a very emotionally abusive household, I actually had to learn how to placate in order to survive. I literally thought I would die if I didn't placate my sister and my mother (and sometimes also my very aloof father). And I took these skills into a school environment where I was extremely poorly socialized. Finally, after I had taken enough humiliation and submission, in 8th grade I began to stand up for myself, when I was immediately labeled 'dangerous'. After 8th grade and things settled down, I settled back into being placative. And as I carried this placation into adulthood, it evolved into a pattern of simultaneous internal rage and submissiveness, even while I was always outwardly being 'nice'. It's a pattern I never really shook. People call me an 'empath'. But I know deep down that it is really survival skill. I have had to work towards being genuinely open and generous of character again, but it has been very hard, especially when the placation habit is jus like second nature again. And when I encounter a true narc, they always know how to play me like a fiddle, even though I am really playing them back.
i have a similar life story. just thought you should know that this "i'm really playing them back" is an illusion that rationalizes our avoidance from life--- an illusion that justifies our participation in the games that expend our energy and doesn't allow us to live fulfilling lives--- just my 2 cents, 'cause this hit home
yes, and 'playing' for us is being aware of the games and continuing because it's comfortable, familiar and we had no clue.
Thank you for validation and I completely identify with your post:)
This is my mother. Overly generous, pretends to be incredibly caring and offers a shoulder to lean on to those who are genuinely in pain or distress but only in order to glean information out of them, to learn their vulnerabilities, often truly intimate information, and then later to ridicule them to others. All to make herself feel superior. She makes me feel physically sick. She tries her tricks on me but gets nowhere so thankfully these days I’m generally ignored 😊
I had a "friend" who is exactly like that, plus to make up lies about me that sounded credible enough because she added in a bit of the info she learnt from me pretending to be a caring friend. Took over a year to figure out what she was doing and may have destroyed other friendships in the process.
Glad you've seen through your mother and that she's realised there's no point in trying this BS on you!
Mine does the same exact thing. It's sad.
OMG 😂 I laughed so hard!
They cannot fool me, pretending to be angels, bragging and show off of the charity, the good deeds, their kindness, how magnificent they are!
You’ll notice they are just a big bubble
This is exactly what my husband does!!!!
huge bags of stinky air
@@LSMH528Hz 🤣🤣
Wolf in sheeps clothing!
When dealing with narcissism, you should know that it’s not personal. “It isn’t personal” is one of those cliches used to cushion all kinds of bad actions taken by people who need an out for being immoral, but in this case it actually gets near the truth. Narcissists don’t know how to love or be a friend; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing. They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
Thank you for ur comment it is helpful for me
For me it is.
This is the best synthetic definition of narcissism I have ever read. They don’t attach. Thank you.
I think I may be one, im too cynical, distrustful, and avoidant. I genuinely do not understand the concept of love because I feel like I never learned how to trust. It was just survival all along. Now im scared I might be narcissistic or narcissist. People seem like hindrances to me and I don’t want to give them chances. I barely see the point in interacting with others. I do feel horrible when horrible things happen to others sometimes I cry so I am confused on what I am truly.
@@Dll5749 If you are scared of being a narcissist, you are more likely not be one. What you've described may be signs of trauma, depression etc. May be worthy of exploring your feelings with professional therapist, if you can. Take care!
“Virtue posturing!” That’s perfect. Outsiders see the virtuous person. Insiders get the raw end of the stick.
That a narcistic person can claim to be a super empathic person is the most unfair!
I had a friend who claimed he was empathic. However, I always found it odd that whenever I tried to tell him how I felt, he looked at me with a blank stare. But kept claiming he could feel what others felt.
Yes, yes, yes!!! No clue. But she fawns and falls all over others. I wonder if she gives them the same blank look and lack of response? I should watch more closely. Maybe I get nothing from her because she knows I don’t buy it?
My friend claimed to be a empath and when I cried in front of her from stress and loss, she just looked at me, she had no idea how to be supportive or show emotion. Strange cookies they are.
My mother is actually this type of narcissist. She said to me one day "is something wrong with you?" and I asked her, what do you mean? She then said "I'm an empath and I can feel when something is off and I can sense that something is off with you..." I almost broke down laughing, because growing up her husband was a narcissist and he tortured and tormented me for almost a decade until I was suicidal, and she just stood by and watched, never said a word, never came to my defense, never showed any empathy... Now here she is telling me she's an empath. My mother also has a friend she's known since High School, she shows this woman so much understanding, compassion and "empathy" this woman has slept with my mother's friends and any close male friend my mother has this woman tries to sleep with them, yet my mother doesn't see a problem with her and still keeps her around and is there as a shoulder for this woman to cry on, but me her son, "you're a man, you need to be strong!"
You’re a warrior
We’ve been on the same battlefield with these enemies
It’s not fun
But what is essential and beneficial is going no contact and living your best life
Stay real ✊🏾⚔️🛡️
Your comment hit me hard... My situation is ditto to yours... Hope your on your best healing path~!~!~! Much love~!
Say yeah mom intuition we all have it you use yours to gaslight. It is funny that they think that intuition they can feel things too because they have intuition and they think that’s them being an empath it’s hilarious!
Yes they know how to fake empathy from mirroring us ugh... so annoying
My eldest sibling is also inclined to such delusional and magical thinking.
That is not to say that I haven't had my own moments or times when I haven't been very sensitive or receptive to other people's feelings, very often it has been when I have been ranting on about said sibling.
A suspected narcissist in my life got so furious when I told him he lacks empathy, and gave him the reasons why. He told me that EVERYONE in his life always tells him he is sooo empathetic, and was like "I guess everyone else is just wrong then and you are the only right one" then proceeded to tell me how I am the one with no empathy after he continued to insult me and made me cry. This whole argument started because I had a panic attack and canceled my plans to see him for later that night. I had been crying for hours because of it and he said to me "who needs 2 hours to cry? Couldn't you have gotten it out of your system in time for me to still be able to come over? WHATS WRONG WITH YOU" 🤡 I have not allowed him back into my life since then.
Dodged a bullet, there, Hon.
Everyone? Name five people and we will call and ask them.
Was he going over to your place for a booty call? No booty can get them pretty upset, especially when they were counting on it.
I had the same experience, at the moment it feels so devastating. But also thatbwas his last time, for me too. Good for you, I know how much it takes
More than likely "everyone" are the people that they have snowed with their portrayal of the good guy image. That would be my guess.
Empathy is being able to FEEL the emotions of other people, not just acting in a kind way.
Yes, narcissists are known to lack emotional empathy, but can have cognitive empathy which enables them to imagine how others see them.
@@abstract3213
Yeah, cognitively they know. But they can't feel what others feel. And if they can't feel it , it' doesn't bother them.
I saw this from a covert narcissist all the time!! She would even say how she could sense a feeling coming from me, when in reality, she was just projecting her own feelings onto me.
When I was still dating, one of the biggest red flags another person could put out after just meeting them was telling me outright they were an emapth with no prompting. Really, empathic people almost never have to say it because their actions will make it obvious as you are getting to know them, but people who struggle with empathy try to set the narrative really early so it's an early bias that makes you drop your guard.
Agreed! 😂😂😂 I see that type of declaration….especially my favorite “I’m a super empath”…😂😂😂 as a declaration of guilt. Ugh 😂😂 so you’re not just special, you’re SUPER special 😂😂😂 OK, bud.
I have found this tk be 100% true.
"I am a nice person" said unprompted is my que to make a 180 and run.
100%!
Any person I’ve met who’s told me-unprompted- that they’re just ‘such an honest person, it rubs some people the wrong way’ (like, humblebrag style of course) without fail has turned out to be a big huge liar.
It doesn’t occur to someone honest to tell people how honest they are. Same thing with empathy it turns out!
I think the only time I've heard an actually very empathetic person tell me they are an empath was when that person was (at that time) undiagnosed autistic and trying to describe the autistic trait of hyperempathy without having that terminology yet. I had known this person all my life, and they were indeed very empathetic. They felt empathy for nearly everything, living or no. I know there are other neurodivergent people who have hyperempathy that have expressed it the same way before diagnosis.
I've heard others talk about how empathetic they are when they really aren't, too. It comes from them having a different definition of empathy. If someone doesn't feel as much empathy as the average person, they will come to define it as an action rather than an intutive feeling or both. Because they don't have the intuitive feeling part of empathy, they will miss what they miss and try to express empathy for what they notice. So when they say "I'm empathetic," they are really saying "I go out of my way to be kind at times, in the way I know how."
These people don't have to be bad people. They can still be good people who treat others well. It's when this gets paired with dismissal of others experiences and an unwillingness to work to better themselves that it becomes problematic.
Either way, I don't believe I've ever heard this been said in a purposefully manipulative way. I've been lucky.
I have now learned to be wary, because someone who said it to me was actually a really nice person, and seemed to be good and kind, but I think also was struggling to grapple with some things like this video covers (But still a good person). But the mere act of self labelling is part of the problem, even with the best intentions in the world, because buying in to the concept of being an empath is what I think can make people latch on to that fixed idea of self and then if circumstances reflect otherwise, or especially if you try to talk honestly about what really happened between the two of you, if they struggle to deal with how they behaved within that fixed framework, they may reject events or memories or statements if they feel they clash with the empath ID. I think this can just as easily happen to good people
I remember you. You are a good lady. A couple of years ago I was really focusing on healing/ getting to the root of my bpd.
I had gotten the impression from one of your video’s that you thought bpd people couldn’t heal. I was crushed, scared and angry. I left a comment in that state.
You actually replied to me. You knew that I was hurting and took time out of your busy schedule to speak directly to me.
I don’t remember exactly what you said. But I could tell that you cared and never meant to hurt me.
Guys, this lady is here to do Good, actual good from her heart ❤️ 💜. If you ever read this, thank you. Thank you very much. I needed that so much back then.
YOU ROCK!
Oh my goodness! I’m so glad you addressed this. I keep making friends who appear empathic first and then their true colors come out. I realized that they’re mimicking me in the beginning. It’s very confusing when they start becoming mean and demanding, acting entitled to my time and energy. One ex-friend complained that she doesn’t like one-ply toilet paper when I bought it for her during COVID and no one could find toilet paper anywhere. She was using dish towels to dry herself so I went out of my way to find her real toilet paper and all she could focus on is that it was one ply. No thanks, gratitude whatsoever. She became more demanding and entitled to my time and energy to my detriment. I deleted and blocked her number. I’m a slow learner at 53 years old, but I’m learning! Thank you, Dr Ramani! ❤
That one phrase. "Entitled to my time and energy". In a nutshell.
@@rmr3528 sooooo entitled!
What I’ve noticed (in my personal case at least) is that people with narcissistic tendencies can be very good at emulating empathy, then confusing it for the real thing. They’ll give grand gestures, help those they hardly know, be a shoulder to cry on, and act normally or even kindly when they’re in the right mood. But once they’re inconvenienced, once they feel called out or you set a boundary… the veil is lifted and their true colors show. You did touch on this at about 5:28 thought. Keep doing what you do, Dr. Ramani ❤
Yes, this is exactly what I experienced in my relationship with my ex. They went above and beyond for people he hardly knew. A lot of people thought he was a good person when they first met him.
I remember the day my best friend got the silent treatment from him, after she did something he didn't like. She was shocked.
It's exactly that!! The inconvenience! My mum will tell the CAT, "You only want to play when it suits you!" "Why can't you come to me for scritches, why do I have to come to you?"... yep, a few flashbacks to childhood here.
I think what it is, is that they don’t have the wiring for a full set of emotions, so they observe others to copy and learn how to act thinking/believing/hoping it gives them the desired emotion. However, when things get stressful all that goes out the window and they revert back to their natural selves equipped with just a partial set of emotions, the negative set, the set that doesn’t have love, kindness, understanding, self reflection, empathy, etc. Their set contains hate, fear, sadism, selfishness, manipulation, etc. At times they may want to be like everyone else, but a whole lot of time they love being themselves.
@libby Landscape Our biggest arguments are when she's stressed about something else, and expects me to do something for her (without explicitly asking, or considering that I may be already busy) and I say no. Full toddler tantrum with screaming and tears, why am I so selfish when she does everything for me... 💀
they ARE good at emulating empathy but their agenda isn't empathy. it's to play a role for other people to believe in
I was raised by a sociopath and malignant narcissist. I believe I had traits of both parents. A decade of intense therapy and truth seeking, I still wouldn’t call myself an empath. I don’t think I’m a narcissist either. I think a healthy narrative for those in similar positions would be to acknowledge their wounds and be accountable of themselves.
I feel the same. I questioned if I was a narc, or whether it was that my mother's behavior that washed onto me instituting me in the only environment I've ever known, or I kind of had to become a little bit narc just to survive in that environment.
Either way it's been a long road rewiring, learning, and devolving away from the soup of narcissism I came from.
There is absolutely no need to be empathetic, just be fair and have principles.
@@kylesanders8276it doesn’t matter where it comes from or who to blame. If your behavior is unhealthy that’s on you to correct it
Thank you. Their claim that they are empathic is one of the most insidious forms of gaslighting I have ever experienced. It leaves you reeling.
This was one of the few validating moments for me! I was at work and the narcissist made a random announcement declaring how much empathy they had, everyone, even her flying monkeys just instantly reacted with laughter. And of course I felt bad for them...
I think if someone has the urge to randomly (and publicly) declare how empathetic they are, they definitely are not an empath🤣
@Mama Bush Wait, mid narcs are a thing now too? What are those?
@Mama Bush Is this an official term used by professionals?
@Mama Bush Oh gen z.
@Mama Bush Oh. It seems very new and not researched enough yet to be legit. I would consider it more like slang at this point. Only on TH-camr has mentioned it as you have said and know of. It seems like a new type of narcissist is created all the time lately. With not a whole lot of research or study behind it. But once I start to see this more online by professionals then I'll think it's legit.
Thank you for once again reminding me that I’m not a narcissist. I once in a while get scared that I actually am and don’t know it but I truly just don’t think I have the hardware to be one like my father and brother. It helps me to understand them more to watch these videos too. So much of my identity was formed as a result of their negative projections that I get confused sometimes.
Same here!
This is so relatable for me!!! Thank you for this comment, I cut ties today and needed to feel that I'm not alone. Growing up in such a toxic environment really messes a person up.. 😢
@@denise94 I cut ties a little over a year ago and for the first time in my life I can see more clearly and have been self actualizing without the constant bullying. EMDR helped me a lot 💗
@@KatieDiLoreto I will look into the emdr, thank you! 🙏
I could be wrong but I think the first sign of you not being a narcissist is wondering if you are one. It’s been my experience that narcissists are completely not self aware and call everyone else a narcissist. Then the rest of us are questioning whether we are.
You described my ex narc. When I met him he told me that one of his life’s goals was to help people, that the world needed more generosity and kindness… I thought I’ve found a compassionate and beautiful human being… so far from the truth indeed, this is the same man who love bombed, gaslighted, manipulated me and made cruel remarks. In the discard phase he told me “why are you always sick? or facing some problem in your life? You are not the perfect being I thought you to be…” Just because I was struggling with migraines, sore throats and my “problems” were me changing my career and work…
You never heard the saying “actions speak louder than words”?
That's my mother! I actually feel so good having all this information available and knowing that I'm not alone. Thank you for this 😊
Love the “ if it is hard for you to be empathetic then your not” it is natural and joyful to real empathy
Being an empath doesn't mean you have to put up with being used repeatedly... and when you finally stand up for yourself it doesn't make you the narcissist. It doesn't make you a narcissist when you won't give others everything they want... even if you could.... it makes them a narcissist for expecting you to give them everything they want.
I’ve been debating myself about this. I’ve been starting to think ive been acting really selfishly with my girlfriend, always asking her for more attention. But it gets to the point some days that she doesn’t even ask me how my day was, or express any interest at all in me aside from needing help to get through X or Y struggle. It feels like I’m pouring all of my energy and affection into the relationship and getting nothing back. Am I a narcissist for starting to demand reciprocation?
@@amihere383 No, I was in a one way relationship just like that and I had to leave. I tried talking things out with her to get her to understand and she just didn't care. She also acted like it was no big deal to lose me so I left.
Virtue-posturing! That's what it is! YES! I had met someone who send me an introduction that was paragraphs long saying what a great person they were and how empathic and sensitive they were. It really does boil down to...if you have to tell people you are a thing, then you're likely not that thing lol
Wow me too! I had been single for less than a month and this person was friends with both of us on social media. He sent me a long paragraph about how good a person he was. How did he even know I was single? I didn’t share anything about it to purposely avoid people like this!
@@maryannspicher He didn't know if you were single and I'm sure...didn't care lol
This sort of nonsense tells me to flip the script because they’re lying.
when we run in to someone who lacks humility, it doesn't make them the opposite of what they said they are. it's only a sign that they are insecure and haven't gone through much self realization or self awareness. only those who are self aware and have accepted themselves for who they really are and secure in their person are able to be humble. people could very well be that person they claim to be....OR when a person isn't, it's who they WANT to be. normally people wont lie about that unless it's coming from a narcissist intentionally to manipulate
@@anwiii55 lacking humility is much different than what I'm talking about. This is delusion. And yes it may be what they want to be but in the cases I've seen, they don't actually want to work on being those good things, they just want the other person to give the credit for being those good things because that's what they said they were. It is absolutely manipulative, but it in the most rudimentary way because it becomes obvious very quickly that they are not those things. And if they were true, it was so they could use it later to get away with be things later and say "I told you this is how I was".
Yes!!!!! I had one who claimed to be an “ highly sensitive person “. He’d seek out sad stories or sob loudly at the movies. He expected me to pat him, & soothe him. I realized later he had NO feelings & tried to attach himself to someone else’s feelings to be cared for . Covert narcissist . Zero insight
My ex was always focussed on copying personality traits, feelings, opinions and even the ethics of other people. This mental scanning is what has him believing he is empathic I think. Plus he sometimes made a big show of giving food to homeless people and pretending to cry over a person's misfortune . He wants the world to believe he is an "empath". I witnessed the dark schizoid void when the mask slipped, too many times over the years; saw the cruelty and heard from him constantly how he hates people.
I am schizoid. And I'm offended to read about the "schizoid void" 🤔
Wow. You just told a brief story from my past! I felt like I was going crazy because I’d see him (what I thought was) mocking me and others. But after reading your post, I think he was scanning and trying on other people’s vulnerabilities. Dang.
I've experienced many people like! I often wonder, is this world filled with a majority of narcissists because meeting good people is extremely rare.
I was just wondering this, like am I seeing monsters where they don't exist? Or it's just that we attract them so much more than other people.
@@Chahlie Western society champions and enables narcissism so much we put a malignant one in the U.S. White House in 2016
@@amarbyrd2520 And the current one is empathetic?
@@Chahlie before I knew anything about narcissists, I was certainly a magnet to them. Because of Dr Ramani and her giving us access to all this life changing information, I know I'm not a magnet anymore. I've removed every single narcissist from my personal life, including family. I cannot escape the ones at work or that I meet at social gatherings. Thus, I do not believe that with knowledge, which is power, that us empaths are magnets anymore because we are now educated. I believe there are just so many narcissists that there's realistically no way of escaping them! Hope that makes sense xx
@@amarbyrd2520 wow, you noticed THAT too!!!!!
They have only cognitive empathy. This means they are fastidious about doing and saying things that indicate they have concern for you. Unlike many grandiose narcissists, a covert narcissist has a cognitive understanding of how people behave when they have concern for others. But when the chips are down in your life, such as you are the victim of a crime, you are very sick, or you lose your job, the covert narcissist is chilly, abandoning, and just “doesn’t get it.” They may blame you for your misfortune. The covert narcissist can’t summon any of the normal ways of caring in these moments. In these ways, they reveal themselves to have no emotional empathy. Depending on how long it takes for you to experience such incidents, you could go for years not realizing that your partner is a narcissist. They may literally turn their back on you, over seemingly trivial matters. This is a trait they share with grandiose narcissists. Maybe they get annoyed that you’re walking too slow and leave you alone while they rush ahead, or they get impatient with what you’re saying and turn around while you’re in mid-sentence, or maybe you’re a little late for a social function that you’re attending as a couple, only to find them already inside as if they weren’t at the event with you. They probably appear charming and competent to those who don’t live with them. A covert narcissist’s constant striving for perfection often results in a set of traits that most of us (who are not obsessed with perfection) admire, as long as we don’t get too close to the narcissist. This makes explaining the upside-down hall of mirrors that is your shared intimate space with the covert narcissist impossible to explain to those outside the relationship, who will assume you are either exaggerating, or that your relationship skills are lacking. The covert narcissist may be a pillar of the community, or has lofty, well thought-out ideals. The striving for perfection of a covert narcissist often results in associating themselves with highly regarded intellectuals, businesspeople, or other such pillars of the community, such that the covert narcissist appears to be a pillar of the community themselves. Additionally, covert narcissists can identify with a vision of societal utopia, and become a zealot about their particular ideals, whether liberal or conservative. The covert narcissist is surprisingly lazy. Despite their lofty ideals or connections, the covert narcissist often does little to no work to actually earn the respect of people in the community through their actions. Their ideals or connections are a facade they choose instead of real effort and commitment. They can be sexually faithful. Unlike grandiose narcissists, who are often sexually unfaithful, covert narcissists can be sexually faithful for fear of their reputation being damaged, or out of sheer laziness or shyness, not out of an emotional commitment to their partner. This can be confusing to the neurotypical partner, who sees the faithfulness as a sign of love, making the erroneous assumption that the covert narcissist has emotional empathy, and therefore the capacity to love. They have a Jekyll and Hyde personality, often raging, or finding fault with you, in private as a way of relieving their own inner shame at not being perfect. This is another trait that coverts share with grandiose narcissists. It feels like you have a partner who’s really a teenager, and that it’s your duty to shoulder the “steadiness” they need in the face of their criticisms and anger. The covert narcissist has absolutely no sense of humor about this behavior, meaning there’s an unnecessary “heaviness” in the relationship that leaves you walking on eggshells. Moreover, Cheating in marriages is not restricted to only men. Women cheat as much as men do. If you're suspecting your husband of infidelity, you'll have to keep an eye on him without his knowledge. One of the best ways to know if your spouse cheats on social platforms is by paying close attention to how your spouse behaves while online. The signs are pretty the same. Is your spouse more time on the app without explanation and gets unnecessarily defensive when you ask about it? If your spouse behavior has changed lately, and continues to spend more time on social apps, it's time for you to take action, with the help of a private investigator (suggested; BARRYINVESTIGATION@GMAIL. COM , you can find out what is taking all their time on social apps, who they are talking to and other things happening,,
All they do is act like you do. They are imposters learning from u saying exactly sometimes most of tines they do and say and mimic you. They don't know shit about feelings
Thank you so much for this comment, do you recommend any books?
You clearly understand them...your comment is brilliant
My narcissistic coworker who made up blatant lies about me, sabotaged my reputation with a nasty smear campaign, got me fired and tried to ruin my career describes herself as "kind and compassionate."
I'm watching this because my ex housemate spread rumours around a class (we were 20). I quit and she asked me at home if it was because of her. I said no then she yelled nasty names at me one other random day. I later found out of one of her friends that she stole from me as well. I had to protect myself from the friend too because they said I should let her have what she stole "after all she's done for you". I didn't bother telling them what was happening behind closed. the doors. the rumours have affected my career as well because she's spread them everyone. I feel so sorry that you've experienced this narc abuse as well and it's so so hard on us.
@@DS-yz4ro mine has pulled some lifetime/I'd channel level stunts over someone like me had the audacity to end things with someone like him and he wasn't having that. It's insane how detached from reality they can justify going in their heads. All because we just too different and neither of us were happy.
The thing I've learnt, is that if someone feels the need to tell you something like "I'm an empath", then the opposite is likely true. A true empath doesn't feel the need to go around telling everyone, it is apparent from their actions.
exactly. same with "i am a good person" vs "i try to be a good person"
I spent two years with someone who made me feel as invalidated, unvalued and unheard as only my family had before that. This triggered my CPTSD to a point where I even lost the ability to sleep. The biggest irony is that he often talked about how empathic and highly sensitive he was. Whenever I tried to talk about something, he'd play the victim and act as if I were attacking him, even if I was only asking a question or sharing how I felt.
I am so grateful to Dr Ramani for helping me realise why all the time and energy I put into trying to have a normal, honest conversations led nowhere.
I think every narcissist I've had any sort of relationship with has believed they were empathetic. It's happened so often, that now whenever someone tells me they're an empath (especially if this information is volunteered), it sends up a red flag in my mind.
Definitely should. Strong empaths don't tell you that they are at the beginning of a relationship, most often. If they do, they are the exception of the rule.
Stay healthy! :)
@@sirbughunter Yeah that's not the sort of thing you have to point out to people. If it's true, it'll be apparent.
Yes, my mother acts/ acted (NC with her since May 2022) empathetic and was always portraying herself as religious. When in fact, she scapegoated me and was very cruel to me, gaslit me, smeared my reputation and triangulated me against my siblings amongst other abuse.
Sounds very similar to my mother. She was always talking about how we needed to teach my kids about empathy. And she believed she was the best person to do that. We're low contact now and moved 2 hours away and she's not allowed access to the kids anymore, for a number of reasons. But I always wondered why she talked so much about empathy.
I can relate.
She is so narcissistic that she even uses religion as part of her triangulation.
She literally has recruited her god to wield moral authority over you (you are bad, she is always good)
Your pain, loneliness, isolation, and devaluation by your entire family is staggering!
I hope that you don't blame yourself in any way! Sending you a giant hug. I have been there too
@@nikkid4890 Thank you. Hugs 🤗 to you, too! 🙏😌✌️👋❤️. I'm very interested in a video on the "religious" narcissistic. Because, they are so hypocritical. And twisted.
@@monicakiele8713 Thank you for your support 🙏😌😉💕💯. I have been NC with her since May of 2022.
He emotionally and verbally brings me down almost every day. But he tells me that he’s the most empathic person ever. I just look at him and want to laugh.
I just left my narcissistic ex who always used veganism to claim he is extremely empathic. He makes me sick.
@@pebbles92able congratulations 🎉 very proud of you 👏👍🏼. You are a strong 💪 woman for leaving. I know it’s a struggle mentally but you got this!
get out
Yeah my ex who won't move out of my house is exactly the same. She's still not paying rent or doing housework but I'm the lazy inconsiderate bastard who's cranky all the time and never wants friends to come over... I work full-time and unfortunately due to getting no help with the household I only really get 1 day a week off and I just sleep because I'm physically and emotionally exhausted by the end of it all.
I understand it’s difficult dealing with these people. They drain us.
Thank you Dr. Ramani!! My mother is like this.. Also had an old narc "friend" in my life that I eventually got away from. Narcissist to her core yet really thought she was an empath. Both of them are far away from me now and that's the best part.💜
3 family members are like this, it drives me nuts! Thank you for this video Dr. Ramani! The work you do is life changing.
Bless. Good luck ❤
She is really good! I also learnt a lot thanks to the video where she explains the different types of narcissists (communal, grandiose,etc....)
I watch these videos in order to try to better myself and my personality disorder(s). Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences, knowledge, and wisdom, behind ZERO paywalls. I really appreciate it. I can't afford therapy (and my health insurance won't cover it...literally ZERO in-person therapists within 5mi of my location take my insurance), so these videos, as well as my own insight, are all I have to work with. The videos help a lot.
I believe I have narcissistic episodes, as well as borderline personality disorder, because of my attachment anxiety. I can be empathetic most of the time, but when I have my moments, I can be downright cruel, and just a horrible person in general. It's unhealthy, and extremely hurtful, and I'm working to change it.
Thank you for the videos. They're important for my journey.
I am happy that You are working on Your issues!
Did you get diagnosed with these disorders ?
They're very good at showing off. And one of the things that I really hate, is when a lot of shallow people believe the narcissists fake actions, & really call them an empathes.
The ex covert sociopath narcassist thought she was very empathetic. She would always pretend like she could pick up on bad vibes but that was only because she was the one causing them and had done it enough she knew how most would react and so acted empathetic.
She loves to post those "im empathic" or " you can't fool an empath" type memes. You know the ones.
Yet when her cat died she literally didn't remember you're supposed to feel sad. I saw when this realization actually clicked for her and she remembered "oh yeah I'm supposed to be sad" and I saw the switch flip lol
She always tries to say " I'm not a narcissist, I have empathy "
My older sister is a narcissist. She flat out said one day, "I think I'm an empath. Because of this...this and...this." When she comes over, it's all about her and her and her. She has to be the "center" of attention. It's crazy how these narcissists can't truly self-reflect on themselves and their destructive behavior! Whenever she texts, she will withhold information which she later uses on in the text conversation to her advantage in order to "control". So, I have to be on alert with each and any communication with her.
I clicked on this so fast because my ex husband always touted himself as a great empath. He once said to me “I don’t know why people like you more than me. I’m the one who worries about them and everyone.” I’m not a big talker so he didn’t know how often I think of people or what I do for people that I don’t make known. He would also tell me he knew me better than myself because of his abilities. And for such an amazing empath, he was completely blindsided when I asked for a divorce after a decade of begging to be free of the business we both owned but I did most of the work for. I was miserable and would cry when alone, but he either never cared or didn’t realize the depth of my unhappiness every time I expressed it to him. Regardless, I’m mostly free of him (we have one child) and fall-on-my-knees grateful for that fact.
Hard relate on that, sounds uncannily similar to me and my ex, and we also have a child together. Proud of you for getting out!
empath doesn’t mean he knows you want a divorce ... if you communicated more your true feelings, he would have felt your pain maybe. you mixed up empath with psychic 😊
@@bbb-1-2-3 says the gaslighting narcissist. Her point was that he claimed to be so attuned to those around him, yet couldn’t see her distress. A good partner would ABSOLUTELY be able to know that their partner is unhappy. This comment seemed to touch a nerve for you. When someone is being vulnerable, try not to be so judgmental based on limited amount of information in their share (I’m sure there’s sooooooo much that you aren’t aware of). Not to mention that empaths suppress emotions around narcissists since weaponized against them. That’s empathy 101.
@@PennyLane-wc3iq you have no clue what empathy is
....and for Gods sake, @Jessica, re-read your post and see how it stinks of "poor me I was so sweet for a decade, while he wasnt" and stop blaming other people arond you. They just supposed to help you grow.
This is so exciting! I've been trying to explain my thoughts to friends about how person X's generosity seems to make a spectacle out of the recipient. And that their kind behaviour is short-lived (almost instantly), and may come at a cost later on. Watching this has put me at ease. Thank you.
“Generosity is not the same thing as empathy.” This unlocked a level in my understanding and healing from narcissistic abuse, especially from my mother. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
To be a good empath requires a sense of sympathy. It’s been my experience that narcissists can posses both of these traits, but because of the overpowering characteristic of narcissism, they are very limited in their understanding and use of those traits with a limited, if any, desire to build upon them. I hope everyone has A GREAT NEW YEAR. 😊😊😊
My family had some issues when we were younger, one of those being a volatile mother. So my sister while being a raging narcissist personality is also a fair read of people when she so chooses to be. Not a great one as she has some ... we will say issues understanding the cause and effects of emotions and actions and seems to think that she is the only being in the world with a sense of permanence or memory.
But she has her moments when she can pull it off.
Oh wow, great insight! They let their narcissistic goals destroy any desire to build their talents for empathy or sympathy.
My Big Narc sister is an ER nurse, and supposedly a very good one...but I shudder to think what would happen to me, if I came under her care.
Another reason for saying goodbye to my hometown, as soon as I could.
The transactional part helped me to understand so much. The person had me pretty much as a secretary, paying his bills, ordering his food, doing his online work stuff, etc but would call me names, put me down and when I would speak up, he'd say "stop being over dramatic, I'm so good to you, I give you money don't I?"
I never asked for it. He would just randomly transfer it to me. I did start to think, "well maybe he's not a narcissist, he's generous".
I keep seeing Narcissists just take, take, take so the fact he gave me money was really having me doubt if he actually is one.
I had/still kinda have a friend who: sees the world through the narcissistic lens, is educated and well-spoken, and has a volatile temper, all in a ,6'3" muscle-bound body.
He's now aware of his tendencies, and occasionally recognizes the harm his behavior can cause (on-and-off therapy). We agreed we could remain friends if we limit the frequency and length of our interactions.
Anyway, he used to tell me - and others - that he feels so very deeply that being in our presence energizes him, that he is "vicariously sharing" our experiences, being there for our triumphs and our tragedies.
He now has acknowledged that he wasn't empathizing with others, but simply watching, a detached observer with no emotional connection. But since that was all he'd ever known he considered it not only a common trait, but one that he excelled at and deserved praise for.
I deal with mental health issues myself, and I know that feeling when you're confronted with your own dysfunction, and the resistance to modifying your behavior.
When we run into each other I can see the effort he's making, and the changes he's made - gradual but significant.
And I'm proud of him and happy for him.
That's pretty much most of the folks I know who become psychotherapists or pursue psychology as new-age religion, of which they become priests. Their need to be in a power dynamic that grants them the role of the noble rescuer is just so strong... I keep wondering why there is no screening in place and why nobody safeguards the helping professions from these manipulative parasites? They only make their clients more co dependent...
!!
I'm convinced that empathy is the ability and willingness to put yourself in someone else's reality, and understand things from where they stand. But the idea that people can have their own view of the world that the narcissist doesn't control is scary to them. Narcissists are literally afraid of the core feature of empathy. Which I think is why they're so colossally bad at it.
Exactly, empathy requires you to step down from your own viewpoint of power and critically analyse the other person's stance (which might slightly empower the person with the differing viewpoint). Letting go of power and control is impossible for a narcissist.
@@zairas.9122 for someone to be empathetic requires them to be humble & be able to admit being imperfect. To recognize they can be wrong & be able to apologize when they are wrong or have done wrong. Narcissist can never apologize for abhorrent behavior because in their minds the target of the behavior deserves it. They can never put themselves in that targets shoes meaning, they can never say to themselves “geez how would I feel if someone said or did to me what I just said or did to them?”. They live in a bubble & can never let that bubble burst. An empathetic person lives in the real world with their bubbles being burst on the daily.
Wow, all these definitions and meanings of empathy are fantastic. You guys are definitely empaths! With love, respect, and salute from a sigma empath.
A medical narcissist tends to think that saving lives at work makes her/him empathetic and gives her/him permission to do whatever she/he wants with people outside of her/his profession.
"I am the most empathic person in the world! Look how much I help people!" (until helping people is hard/inconvenient/boring/not "adequately" appreciated 🙄)
"Diminished insight & lack of self reflection" "behavioral & emotional changes for another, not just claims of being an empath" "distorted view of themselves" Boasting about a past generosity! Video popped up in my recommended & hit home! I walked out of a relationship because of the above & self-respect! Always criticism, lies, words not actions, take, take, take! Been reflecting this past month! I've been judging myself - What did I do to invoke his behaviour, was it me, what did I do wrong? Will sleep well tonight, start fresh tomorrow! Thankyou Dr for your insights & clarification! 💐 It's time to move on! Appreciation!
Thank you Dr Ramani. This is one of particular relevance to me. My parents have a wide circle of friends and family who believe them to be generous, helpful, empathetic, kind. And the behaviours they show to them are indeed lovely. I am generally not shown these behaviours, it seems I was assigned the scapegoat role from early on. Plus there was an expectation that children give to the parents, in gratitude for being fed, clothed, educated, brought into the world. It’s been difficult to process, because nobody sees what I do, or at least when they do, they’re more interested in “keeping the peace”
You’ve just described my childhood to present (54 yrs old) …However, it was my mother and her Diabolical Narcissistic partner of almost 50 yrs 🤬…I was devalued, misunderstood, ignored, bullied, abandoned to endure emotions that a child should NEVER have to, forced accept the person my mother was in a relationship with-while (70’s & 80’s) SHE couldn’t admit to it, And also, that narcissistic devil was NEVER forced to accept ME…
The list goes on…I could write 15 novels about what my brother and I endured as small children through to present day and STILL not be done…In 2020, my mother texted me, to inform me that her (narcissistic) partner died {of cancer since 2018}… Perplexed to hear from her because I hadn’t spoke to her in 2yrs, and yet, it was par for the course for her to ONLY communicate with me or my brother, when someone dies 🙄…I texted her back and said, “ I’ve hated her since I was 7 yrs old, I don’t care.”
My mother is severely codependent and her ex was an full-blown narcissist…My entire existence has been a challenge; especially my sense of belonging…
**My Dad was a kind-hearted caring person. He had his flaws, but I ALWAYS knew and felt he LOVED ME and My Brother-he passed in 2000…I miss him so very much…
Definitely my experience also.
I’ve crossed paths with a super narcissistic woman that calls herself an empath ☠️ Vindictive, petty, manipulative - yet posts tons of “I’m an empath” memes ☠️ A literally batshit woman who refuses to go to therapy and take a look at herself ☠️ Thankful I never have to speak to her again!
It's a made up fkin term by narcissists for narcissists.
reaching for what they crave so bad, but forever out of reach behind the bars of the subconsciousness
@@byronschroedel432 I totally agree. The NP I know claims she is empathetic yet for the past 12 months, has sabotaged her managers reputation spreading rumors to make others think low of her manager. An empathetic person would never ever do this, knowing how cruel it is to gossip. How would she feel if someone did that to her? To your point, this skill is out of their reach.
Yep I’ve known one of those too. Now blocked through all social media. The continual need for validation through selfies was off the scales too. A 50 something adult woman should not need so much selfie validation. It made me 🤢🤮
@@susanlisson7066 Those are the people who think their kids are indigo children.
This is literally my mother, she has put her needs ahead of her children to the point of us going NC but because her need for instant gratification and drug use, has ended up in several abusive relationships and is convinced she's an empath that keeps falling for narcissists.
Thank you for this! I have been struggling with this understanding how my NP actually believes. I resorted to saying it's what she tells herself to be okay with herself.
She completely admitted she is not self aware or aware of how how actions hurt others but buys books on how to handle being an empath 🤣
I know a couple like that. They always make a point of letting people know that they are so in tune with others, but when the mask comes off they say and do the most insensitive and unkind things.
Because that's all it is. A mask
I love how you're in videos, how you talk, how you explain things. You're great Dr Ramani
THIS! I have observed some people go on about being an “empath” who indeed weren’t. I have also observed people who are genuinely and deeply empathic never say this about themselves. The reverse is seemingly almost never true and I take notice when there is a newly introduced person who overtly claims to be an empath. Your explanation on the difference between empathy and generosity is particularly salient in this too. I hope to see more content on this.
The whole thing between "generosity" and "empathy" struck a chord with me and it immediately made me think of the internet trends of people filming themselves donating 100s of dollars to a homeless person whilst slamming cameras up to their face.
I've been trying to get into the habit of not accepting acts of generosity from anyone (with exception to the odd small favors here and there which are usually fair). There are a lot of hidden costs to accepting someone's "generosity".
I'm a recovering narcissist. What it took for me to see how I really was ( verses how I saw myself ) was marrying an even worse narcissist. She said something to me that triggered a memory of me saying similar things to other people. I remember thinking, "Is that how I talk to people? Is this how I make them feel?" I instantly changed my thinking and tried to be more conscience of how my words, actions, or tones might make others feel. That was nearly 10 years ago and I'm a completely different person. My wife however, is still a complete narcissist and it's been 10 years of hell. She absolutely refuses to think she's the problem in all the failed relationships she's ever had. It's always their fault because they are jealous of her. As if she's so much better, they have a reason to be jealous.
That whole, "I'm the most empathic person in this room," and "aren't I the most generous person you know?" Lines made me laugh. Way to tell others they're a narcissist without saying they're a narcissist. 😂🤣
Yes, my ex would say "I have really high emotional intelligence, I am empathic and understand emotions". My theory is that this covert narcissist feels emotions but through the lens of their abuse or self-interest. She doesn't have empathy which is to put yourself in someone else's shoes to understand what THEY are experiencing, not what the she is feeling. She engaged in enormous projection...she would project how she would feel in a circumstance and ascribe her motivations rather than truly trying to understand what I was feeling. Nothing could have farther from the truth...she had no idea how her behaviors and words impacted others and would never allow herself to be challenged if you called her out.
"What the hell-What the hell indeed“ That Made me chuckle😂😂😂😂😂
Wow, this is too perfect. I wrote this a while ago inspired by someone I was in a spiritual community with:
Have you ever met someone who defines themselves as highly sensitive and empathic so much so that if you accidentally touch them, the immediate response that you receive is that they are highly sensitive and can’t be touched? Do they continuously ask about and discuss how not to pick up someone else’s energy and then point fingers to specific people they picked up energy from as if they were inferior? You can feel their anxiety and fear of “foreign energy.”
They contradict themselves by saying that they don’t take anything personally and then vent about the evaluation that did not fit the criteria of their self-image as a devoted employee/servant..fill in the blanks.
Are they offering unsolicited teachings, solutions and guidance to everyone else because they genuinely care about them or because they want to be seen as someone with superior abilities?
Are they helping and giving because they want to appear special in the eyes of their teachers, parents, clients, employers?
Why are they so diligent with their practices given by their teachers? Is it because it feels alive and in alignment with the connected good? Or are they working hard at becoming superior to others? And why do they feel guilt and shame when they skip a practice or have a muffin? Maybe they won’t be special and superior after all? They might not make it to heaven in time, ascend in time, and it might not be as fast as their peers?
They yell at you for reacting? Hmmm.
They demand that you stay in your center from a place that is off-center.
They state that they can read minds and energy and that you are being selfish.
They rigidly and militantly tell you to sage and clear your energy so they are not affected by it.
They refuse to look at their own reactions, feelings, shadow, and childhood wounding because they are busy fulfilling their mission as a chosen one and trying to heal everyone else that needs it more than they do because the other is so clearly inferior.
They make statements like, “I am joy, I am peace.” to convince others of their superior vibration and as soon as they feel anything different, they immediately pronounce their victim hood and point to someone else who gave them these rejected and unworthy energies and emotions.
They continually talk about how they cannot tolerate lying but when you attempt to have an honest conversation with them, they respond that “It is too exhausting.”
Spiritual abuse… I’m sorry if this is basically an account of your experience. It’s so incredibly confusing and icky and I’m glad you maintained or regained your clarity. Thank you for posting 🙌🏻
@@Spacepuft thank you for reading and commenting:)
I lived with a Narc that called themselves empathic and it fooled me for years. Their words didn't match their actions, but I didn't "see" it. I finally realized they believed others were rarely deserving of their empathy and I was pretty sure that's not how it works.
My sister claimed to be an empath. Biggest eye roll of my life.
This also happened with my dad when my baby kitty passed away from cancer. I was devastated as he was my fur baby and best friend for ten years. When I cried the day after he passed, my dad got mad and pushed me away and said ‘you’re getting yourself all worked up’ when I wanted a hug. And he has criticized me for grieving him. Yet he acts empathic with other people on social media offering them support, and helping with local issues. He makes fun of my mom if she ever cries about anything, so she’s not good with it all either. He’s not good with emotions, yet he has major anger problems. My mom also got mad and criticized me last night for missing my kitty. She gives lots of gifts and money to people so she thinks that’s what matters. I don’t have human children so he was my fur baby and I miss him a lot. Super messed up. Not ok. I don’t know how to have healthy relationships with my parents sometimes:(
Know that ur independence is your biggest tool to simulate revenge. My 84 yo & healthy sadistic Catholic mother would sooner I commit SUICIDE than she would risk a blemish on her images ego.
At least you won't have to grieve him when he passes
I'm sorry 🥺😞🥺
It's not you, it's them. They are failing to be good parents to you. Best of luck, focus on being independent and getting away from them.
That sounds awful - I really hope you have good friends you can talk to instead? The parents are probably a lost cause if they've been like that for a long time - hard as it is. Sorry for your loss. I lost my cat a few years ago and I still miss him too. But it's comforting to know he had a great, diverse life and was always cared for. Certainly sounds like your kitty was so very loved and had a great 10 years with you, which is something to be happy about :) Hopefully you can give it again to another cat in need!
“Dark Empaths” Malignant Narcissists are Experts at Positive Image Management!
So Charitable in
Public ! Behind closed doors Uncharitable would be an understatement 🌼 🌼
Great Video Dr Ramani ❤ ❤️
Idk I think it is actually dangerous to tell people narcissists cannot have empathy. They absolutely can. It is a cold uncaring empathy. The dark empath feels what you feels and doesn't respond with compassion or concern. They're absolutely out there and pretending they're not is dangerous.
I used to be empathic until I realised that was the main reason I was surrounded by all kinds of narcissists who used that against me, by exploiting, taking advantage of and using me. No more. Most people don't deserve empathy.
So many of these types in the alternative healing world. I remember a woman at one energy method class I attended who decided the quiet, low-key small group instructor had a bad vibe and threw a fit until she was reassigned. Because she was so "sensitive to the energy." When I hear that phrase now I have to remind myself not to roll my eyes.
If you are a sensitive person, the last thing you want is to advertise it because then you'll become a target.
Exactly! It's the reason why the mbti dating site that was created a while ago, is a way for people to be a sitting duck! Why would you want to advertise it? It makes it easy for people to lie to you and about themselves.
Thank you Dr Ramani. I needed to hear this today. The narcissist in my life (with whom I've gone no contact) always extolls herself as an "empath" as if she is some sort of magician. It took me over 4 decades to realize she is anything but!