@@melmel8907 hello to whom it may concern I can recommend you to someone that helped me get m ex back and he can also render you help as he did mine too
you all prolly dont care but does any of you know a tool to log back into an Instagram account..? I was stupid forgot the login password. I appreciate any tricks you can give me
As an FA, i can say that Thais is spot on here. At least for me. I've softened on being frustrated by people for not automatically knowing my needs, but boy is it hard for me to open up and communicate my needs. It's just... impossible. I feel like it's way too vulnerable and i'm giving my friend or partner too much power to make fun of me for being needy or whatever. I'll play it cool pretty much forever instead of admitting how i'm feeling. Just writing this so anyone dating an FA can have some insight
@@jushannon9152 Hi Ju! What exactly are you gonna discuss with this guy? If you don't feel comfortable expanding on it here, we can email. I'm happy to offer any help i can
@UCUXF4otfGQjxCLtDxqTFbtg I can only speak for myself when i say this, so take everything with a grain of salt. But for me, i move pretty slow in a relationship. Even if i like a person. It's just how i am. If i met up with someone once a week, that would mean i really like that person! I don't like jumping to the boyfriend/girlfriend label very fast as well. I have trust issues so if someone asks me where do i see the relationship going, i'd say something like " i don't know... but i'm happy with everything up to this point." That would actually be a big compliment but i can see how it would be considered non committal even if i didn't mean it like that and i had no intention to date anyone else. It's like speaking different languages. Which is ok. We just have to communicate that. Again, i'm not entirely sure what to say to the guy you like, but something to the effect of - "i just like you and i wanna make sure i'm not embarrassing myself or looking too thirsty" should get you an answer without putting too much pressure on the situation.
I was dating an FA and always felt like I was walking on eggshells. He broke up with me 3 times in 2 years despite being the driver of the relationship and making it sound like everything was okay or at least like he was committed to making things okay. He was generally non-communicative and would suddenly shut down to the point where I would question whether he was actually a DA and not an FA. He was not in a healthy place, definitely not interested in doing the work, but we had a deep love despite this. All very tragic but I learned that I had to give up on him and his empty promises to move forward in life.
Sounds like a DA. My boyfriend left constantly, leaving me out in the middle of nowhere. It was so traumatic for me. Iam a FA. I would never do that to anyone.
As an FA I fully agree, this is why I leave relationships 🙈 I'm thinking "wow I'm making so much effort: reading your mind, adjusting my personality to yours, meeting all your needs and being willing to give up my identity for you. And you don't even try to read my mind?" 😂 But speaking up about my needs completely triggers my enmeshment trauma. It makes me feel like a spoilt child who is demanding things. I also feel like, if I have to explain to my partner what I need him to do, that means he doesn't authentically want to do it for me, so then it's worthless. Or I feel like I'm lowkey coercing him lol
Yes! So relatable! My “friend”/FWB just forgot my birthday for the 2nd year in a row & it hurt my feelings. I put his birthday in my Google calendar so I’d remember his. I didn’t say anything until we got into an argument. And he asked why I didn’t just text him to tell him it was my birthday. I told him because it feels needy & I’m very proud. What I didn’t say was that if I was important, I feel like he’d remember. Two FAs trying to navigate a no-labels relationship is a recipe for hurt feelings, assumptions & resentment. At least for us 🤷♀️
@@jillian2596 oh my goddess, I hear you! 💐 I also had a situationship with another FA, but at the time I had no idea about FA style. In our dynamic, he became dismissive and I became anxious. The moment I had enough though, he became anxious and chased me like a puppy. The more this back and forth happened, the more addicted I became. It was ridiculous but also deeply painful. Now I'm so glad he discarded me so I could get away early enough. And the pain for me was so bad that I actually started learning about relationship psychology for the first time. So, now I'm grateful for this disaster of a "relationship" even happened 😊 wishing you healing my friend 💐
In summary: Why does this take place and what can you do about it? 1. FA's don't speak up about their needs. - They are very hyper vigilant and very good at reading people, they can see the little nuances, changes in people's tone, attitude, micro expressions. - As a byproduct for being so hyper vigilant, they also expect others to be the same. They expect other people to intuitively know what their needs are, to "mind read". If they see that their partner doesn't notice their needs, they automatically think "they're not cared about", "not worthy", "not respected" and eventually it turns into resentment, frustration, start telling themselves these negative stories to themselves. 2. They flee because they have a very strong "fight or flight" response. - They usually flee when they are overflowing with resentment, when they believe they aren't being loved and respected by their partner. - They create a "negative story" about the situation by developing these ideas on why they shouldn't trust this person, reasons on why they're not caring. They "fill in the blanks" that usually create this toxic meaning to the relationship. 3. Some of the high-level tips are: - FA's need to have that conversation on what isn't working. - The FA's partner needs to communicate that they want to meet the FA's needs, that they are here and they really care about them. To let them know that the FA isn't speaking out loud about their needs. That the FA partner isn't good at mind reading like the FA. -The FA needs to learn how to explain about their boundaries and needs, how to properly communicate their boundaries going on forward. - Make sure the FA's partner is also finding effective ways to communicate their own needs and feelings, how to communicate through their partners love language. - Bonding Phase: this means reconnecting with each other by doing things both partners love doing like going on adventures, exploration, having fun with each other. You do this to reignite that connection while also doing the work by learning how to communicate with each other, learning each other's boundaries, finding solutions and etc. 4. Disclaimer: - Don't do this if you're the only one who's willing to put the work in and dedication. If your partner isn't showing up and doing their part, then the situation isn't going to change or get any better. This requires both people to be actively involved to make progress and change.
Wow..I’m so happy this no longer sounds like me. I don’t expect ppl to mind read me, I’m super transparent and communicate my boundaries and exactly what I need. Though I only have a hard time getting my needs met as much as I do for others. As sometimes I’m dealing with manipulative people or with a toxic anxious person.
I feel I'm FA however its anxiety that really triggers me. I try to be perfect and be who the other person wants me to be, then question if I'm good enough, lovable, when the other person responds positively. Is that something anyone else experiences..high anxiety, overthinking, panic attacks? This has happened in 3 different relationships with available men, not with emotionally unavailable men.
This stuff is sooooo interesting and making it so much easier to understand why my partner (clearly an FA, from all your info in the videos) suddenly blurted out that he's not had his needs met for many months, even though I'd felt I'd been doing backflips to compromise for things he wanted and didn't want, and help him regulate his temper when triggered (and even though I couldn't understand what the trigger actually was). Each time there was a tantrum he'd end up saying some version of wanting me to leave, or just being so nasty that he'd force my hand to leave. Then within hours he'd be in tears terrified that I really was leaving. In the end, I felt this level of stress and instability at home was putting my mental health (and job, and friendships) at risk, so I moved out - although we haven't broken up but agreed to have a brief no-contact period and regroup about how to work on things. Even the fact that it felt like he was doing everything to cause me to finally give in and say "that's it, we're done", is soooo confusing. Now that I'm watching these videos and reading comments from \ FA folk below, so much of the behaviour makes sense and has helped me to take it a little bit less personally. It is giving me some tools and empathy for his pain too, for the conversations ahead. However....as an AP myself, a lot depends on any solutions being a two-way street. Because being told to leave repeatedly by the person closest to you, when you already have severe abandonment issues (in my case, BPD, now in remission), is very destructive to your health. I don't think I want to sign up for that indefinitely.
I'm FA and I couldn't even imagine an AP being able to date me. I lean more avoidant with AP's and more anxious with DA's. It makes me so happy you're trying to learn about this for the person you love and yourself. We're very much all over the place. I'm a self-aware FA and purposely stayed single for a decade as to not confuse or hurt anyone. Please take care of yourself and keep putting yourself first. 💗
My DA broke up with me because I asked him these same questions you are mentioning and invited him to open up and share his needs with me.. I came from a loving caring space and yet he felt attacked, criticized and he started to distance himself, became critical verbally and emotionally cold, then started the most awful silent treatment .. then blamed me for the break up. I did explain to him that his anger and dismissive ways come from his childhood but despite agreeing with me, he decided that he does not see any need to heal, work on his trauma or change.
Wow. Just wow. Literally 100% what goes on in my head. We just broke up & he has no idea how much love I had towards him, how much energy I invested. I hit my tipping point bc I finally expressed my needs (SO DIFFICULT) & sadly.. They.. Were .. Ignored... Now I'm shattered. I feel like I never want to open up & be vulnerable again!! This pain is killing me. I feel disappointed in myself. I regret trusting. I regret allowing him in. I wish he understood how this feels. I'm so broken. I'm so stupid! Why do I expect someone to love me like I love them? Ugh plz say a prayer for me. Idk if I ever want to invest sooo much of myself for someone ever again. It feels like I lost myself. 🙏
Why? One word: heartless. There’s no excuse for destroying the person you love because you’re too chicken to face your fears. Don’t date if you can’t handle it.
I understand that breaking up and leaving the relationship is painful and isn't the healthy response, but calling fa's heartless is not fair or true at all, it's also really hurtful. There are exceptions of course, but it isn't only for fa's. Ap's and da's can hurt others to, if that's on purpose or by accident. Though usually it's by accident for everyone. The video was never on excusing the behaviours, but understanding why they happen, so people can see that many fa's aren't heartless and can try to communicate with the fa about it. Also so fa's can realize some of their unhealthy patterns so they can work on it.They are human beings just like everyone else, that went through painful trauma and have painful programming due to it just like how others do. It's hurtful to diminish fa's traumas and the coping responses they have to it, which they developed at a time where they needed it to feel safe, as them being "chicken". You can't judge or criticize others, you didn't walk a mile in their shoes or experience what they did. It's hard to be able to show up in all of these ways, when you weren't modelled any of that, have experienced trauma, and don't have an awareness to it. Many of these behaviours are on autopilot. Many people can ask fa's and others why they do certain things, instead of just assuming the worst and judging them. We all need to have empathy, understanding, compassion, and be supportive towards the people we date and literally to everyone, whether they are in our life in some way or not.
@@macbookbackup7041 I hope you can learn how to be more understanding and empathetic. I promise that it will benefit you and your relationships tremendously. All the best.
Yeah, mine wasn't healthy. I'm and FA and feel she was also. Had vulnerability used against me. Being able to read her caused cognitive dissonance as her words and actions didn't meet her energy. Here is an easy example, she told me that her predominant love language was also touch, then later accused me of not meeting her love language which was allegedly evenly split at words of affirmation / gifts. Yes, guilty of NOT communicating my needs enough. Hypervigilance was off the charts in this relationship. Glad I can sleep again, and blood pressure returned to low normal from off the charts unhealthy. 🤦♂️🔥☮
My girlfriend (FA) and I were so in love, laughing and joking, telling me she how much she cared and couldnt wait to see what the future holds and then 2 days later shes gone! Soo painful...hopefully she gets help.
My partner just did the same thing to me… I just… I’m trying to understand but I’m so incredibly hurt, then they messaged me to remain friends the day after they ended things….
Agreed. Especially when the promo section takes up like 1/3 of the runtime on some videos and you hear it over and over if you want to listen to a bunch of stuff at once.. I get the need to promote the actual business side. But at least use the actual video content to sell us on the deeper stuff first. Coming off with the promos first is really intrusive and makes the whole channel feel more like an ad than a service. (I mean, well, yeah... that's exactly what this is if we're being honest. But the illusion is nice.)
I see the fearful avoidant will leave a relation when his/her dismissive side is empowered, and that is called to much "comfort". Is sad to see it but a FA can only "love" when they are in the fearful-anxious state, and if you want to succeed with FA you have to keep it there, because that is the only thing he or she may fell right. Now try to communicate to the FA about his needs and feeling, you will always get lies or your words bounced back. So good luck with that, you will need it.
Sounds like my ex who was in a codependent abusive relationship with an alcoholic for 6 years but left me in 4th month of dating, because she stopped feeling connection. It was peaceful with me and perhaps we were genuinely not well suited, because after initial high, novelty and hopes there was nothing much to hold us together. Hard to tell how much it was because of her emotional blockages and how much due to some objective incompatibility (?) She said that we were still getting to know each other, it became confusing for her and feelings can change. It didn't feel right to keep on working on it as she had a strong sense she couldn't give me the type of relationship I wanted/deserved and vice versa. Btw, she might have been triggered when I wasn't enthusiastic about her rather controversial sexual past. If you could offer some perspective, I'd appreciate it a lot.
FALSE! I'm a fearful-avoidant and the worst thing you can do is trigger my fear of rejection/abandonment. You will be dumped immediately. I become avoidant to stop feeling anxious. I feel soooo wonderful after dumping someone who was triggering my anxious side. The relief is so soothing. Even more soothing is seeing the anxious person who tried playing games spiral into despair on social media posting 100 times daily pretending their life is perfect without me. So long, sucka! 😘
What about two fearful avoidants interacting? I’m TERRIBLE about asking for what I need. I have a “friend”/pseudo-boyfriend who is much better at asking for help/support, but I consistently repress my needs with him. We both tend to get our feelings hurt, make assumptions & then withdrawal *sigh*
@@FM-zg5hz He discarded me via text in late June after 2 years of a “friendship”/nebulous relationship. We haven’t communicated since then. I wish he would have handled it with more emotional maturity, but I don’t think he was capable. He told me in mid-June that his new psychiatrist thought he might have borderline personality disorder. Apparently people w/ BPD are prone to fearful avoidant behavior. How is your situation going?
Please do a video on two FAs leaning toward DA in a relationship with each other...we both took your quiz! And it is a long distance relationship right now.
Okay, on one day NC. He was upset I said he wasn't texting enough and ignoring me. He didn't block me completely so I sent an apology. He hasn't talked to me in a week but I consider now NC because I won't message him again after the apology. It's so hard being an AP but he's definitely an FA and I have to fight my urge to quickly fix problems.
FA here, I’ve progressed to being able to reach out when those feelings come. I just sent a text asking if I still had VIP parking status in his heart. Got two paragraphs for it about how my constant need for reassurance was wearing thin. I must have missed a step along the way. Needless to say I’m no longer burdening him
WoW thank you for slapping me in the face with my own sh*$@t 😂 ~Sincerely, a FA currently doing this 🤦🏼♀️ ~slowly tiptoes over to website to sign up for courses~
I wish I would have found this sooner. She left me three weeks ago after a year and a half and I'm using "no contact" to give her space and praying she will speak to me again. This is definitely one of the most difficult times of my life. I love her so much
@@aliciamaccarrone3420 I failed at no contact. My anxiety was so extreme that I couldn’t stop reaching out to her to the point where she blocked me everywhere. I even wrote her letters. It was bad. I do believe that if I could have walked away on that day that she broke up with me and not bothered her that maybe she would have at least reached out to me in some way. I lasted one month and lost control of myself.
As I FA I walked away from a DA recently because I was the only one prepared to do the work and heal. I was learning and understanding him and it was working but he was still very dismissive of my needs.
I did this exact thing also. He did all these deactivating strategies, and tried to be verbally hurtful intentionally, then all the uncertainty about what is real and if he cared made me wonder why I was doing this if he doesn’t respect or care about me…. I tried to talk to him about the silent treatment asking him to please communicate and he laughed in a demeaning way so… I was so triggered, all I could think was… this is hurting me now and I felt he would keep being intentionally hurtful… and I wasn’t sure I could handle that or why I would knowingly continue on that path.
Wow! I only had 1 real relationship and it was for almost 5 years. I stayed because she was loving and caring and she sees me in her future, I just can't hurt her!! But eventually, I did leave for whatever reason. The guilt was so engulfing, the pain I felt for her was 2x and I tried to be friends, god I can't imagine the pain I put her through! 😭 Then I thought, I was so picky for turning down some guys, I ended relationships before it even starts, the heck do I know I just didn't know how to trust and communicate.
When you can communicate your needs as in warn your partner, but they're a DA and refuse to change lol. It's not for a lack of trying.. Maybe a video on how best to go about bringing up these topics between these types. I've seen a few but the coverage was a bit broad.
This is like the 3rd or 4th time my girl FA left me, last time was the longest for 6 months zero contact then she showed up bombarding me to be with me and love me and I flew to Florida and spend a week with her after a month plus of talking 24/7 and in love then half way through the trip she shut off and said she doesn’t want this anymore, like a light switch, and now I’m back home and she isn’t talking to me, she is the one who brought up to me last month that she figured out she is a fearful avoidant and was trying to obviously heal and communicate to me she has a problem, but now it’s been a week and she isn’t talking to me. But she hasn’t blocked me that I know of like before. It’s been 4 years together. She can’t magically not love me now, we need to fix this but she cannot keep doing this. I have asked her to do therapy counseling and she isn’t communicating wether she will or not
So I’m to the point I will give her a few weeks to respond or not and willing to get help or not and if she doesn’t do that I’m taking your advice and moving on. This is the woman I’m Supposed to marry and have babies with. She is my soul mate and we are now both early 30s I don’t have time to waste to make a family and find another woman after devoting 4 years to this girl. I’m exhausted I have tried everything.
habe you thought about the all-access pass? that gives you every course in our library and you can cancel at anytime. It is the most popular package and most value for your dollar. -PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool I have thought about it, but decided to purchase individual courses instead because I'm really bad with managing subscriptions. But thank you for answering 😊
Mostly secure fearful avoidant here. I remember being SHOCKED absolutely shocked when i asked a guy I was dating for something and he smiled just did it like he was happy to make me more comfortable. I wasn't used to that. I had worked up so much nerve to ask him. (I think it was something really dumb like, can you turn the A/C in the car down) seriously i was THAT conditioned to think asking for something that inconsequential needed a deep breath and steadying myself to ask. Growing up it was like anything desire or need I had seemed to annoy my mom. So i would try not to need anything. And if she wanted the AC at 4 and I wanted it turned down to 2, there was a high likelihood she would start yelling at me. I definitely felt like i was not only walking on eggshells but holding my breath all the time.
@@Juju-tw7we I fear I am giving you misplaced sympathy. I'm the one that left. Not done anything more than a couple of quizzes but they say I am 50:50 DA:FA. We were together for around three years. I'm not proud of what I did.
@@cellbiologyshorts9105 :( i see.. why did you ghost them though? If I may ask, if you were around together 3 years, and esp since you miss(ed) them. I am contemplating on when to reach out… or when he’d be open? It’s been a month since we last talked, but he blocked me everywhere just last week, no explanation nor goodbye - all the while when I though we were ok?
Late reply, but I'm currently ghosted out of a friendship by an Avoidant (not sure if FA or DA), and since everything was fine before I now wonder the exact same thing... any updates on your part? Could you save the friendship?
Can he come back after a break up we still see each and talk sometimes I care for him and keep hoping he will care again. I am still keep trying we do enjoy each others company
i’ve been dumped twice by a DA it’s been 6 months and we’ve decided to be friends. he hasn’t changed one bit but i think i have, i used to BEG for him to talk to me more because i never understood all this and i was anxious! but now we are friends i do see other men, when my ex disappears ( because some days he says goodnight to me at 11am because he just doesn’t wNt to talk that day) so i just let it be and do my own thing, i let him come back when he’s ready.
@@FM-zg5hz he came back after 6 months no contact i only let him back cus this time he was sad and he said he'd never let me go. this time we did so much more, he did speak to me more, made effort however last month he said he cant talk to me anymore and he left again lool even though he promised me wont. i guess its for the best
Hi:( im an fa and my partner is an anxious. i broke up with him several times but this time he’s tired:((( i didn’t know i was an fa until now bc i’m doing research and i’m working on my self. he asked for space and alone time because he said he’s drained out. how long do anxious people miss a partner? im scared i don’t wanna lose him
I've just finished a relationship today...it was only 4 months in, but im not too sure if this is self sabotage or genuine red flags and there a valid reason to put an end to the relationship. I'm second guessing myself.....
Thais, I really appreciate these videos. I've been following you religiously for nearly a year and a half now. It's really helped me understand and work on my own attachment styles over time. I've consciously improved my relationships with my parents, sibling, closest friends and even repaired some close bonds that had drifted away over time. I wouldn't say the onus of all these was squarly on me, but over time I could get perspective on the relations that I wanted to keep. That being said, for my relationship with my partner, I sometimes find it hard draw the line between his attachment style and narcissism. As toxic as that relationship got, knowing that it seems from attachment insecuties has helped me let go and move on over time.
When my ex broke up with me she told me she doesn't feel anything for me, she is "blocked" and can't give me love or commitment. Soon after that she texted that she doesn't want to cause me more pain and wished me all the best for the future. She often seemed emotionally detached, but tried to make things work because I was such a good partner 'on paper'. Do you guys think it has something to do with her previous relationship trauma and her attachment style, or she just wasn't that into me? Few weeks before the breakup I asked her for a bit of space as I needed to process certain facts from her past, but we reconciled after that.
@@sunbeam9222 I think you're spot on, thank you for sharing. It did seem almost like a project that when didn't work out, got closed. She did like me and even said that she'd try therapy and see if something will change, but in a matter of days she started treating me like a friend and we drifted away. You know, it hurt that she didn't value my presence in her life enough to try to work on things, or at least to offer friendship in the future. Is it easier to move on, rationalize the split (later on she offered explanation that we were too different, she had to be authentic to herself, etc. etc.) and don't look back? There's not enough fondness for an ex that would make you want to revisit them in the future? X
@@sunbeam9222 It does make a lot of sense what you said. I'm just afraid that she couldn't develop strong feelings to me in general, as it was unnecessary to be so definitive with saying goodbye to me (I don't know if she can fall in love with anyone now, there seemed to be some 'blockage' in her body). She said that we were still getting to know each other, it can be confusing and feelings can change. It didn't feel right to keep on working on it. And that she had a strong sense that she couldn't give me the type of relationship I wanted/deserved and vice versa. If you could offer some perspective, I'd appreciate it a lot. I hope you're doing well. X
Interesting. I definitely leave relationships or get frustrated with people for not recognizing needs. Especially when I express my needs and why it's a need/why I will ask for certain things. *as I'm struggling to get off my death bed so when people can't hear my asks, it threatens my quality of life or ability to actually not die. People like family or now ex boyfriend, will say they want to help, I say what I need sometimes with a very detailed plan taking everyone's potential needs into account, then I'm not heard or responded to until it's too late and I'm crying because I can't trust anyone plus have to find a way back to the ER. People literally fight with me at this point when I'm having a stroke or heart attack, saying I'm not allowed to be upset for them attempting to help me now..... WTF!!!! I wouldn't be having a stroke for them to "help me with" had my requests for my health been heard when it was simple i.e. "please make sure I'm able to crawl to this one sunny window. If you see me there, please pet my back and bring me water" ..... the window will finally be cleared once my system totally shuts down and my healing is put back up to 6 months or I have a near death experience.... also takes months to heal from. These people do not love me, they are purposely torturing me until I'm dead or find a way to kill myself.
I have a question that I need clarity on. There’s Dismissive Avoidant, Fearful Avoidant & Anxious Preoccupied, right? It’s hard for me to distinguish FA from DA. They feel very similar to me.
I think DA is much more unfeeling in general, afraid of intimacy, closeness.. out of touch with their emotions.. where as FA craves intimacy, closeness, can be very open and loving but has wounds around disrespect and rejection.. and when triggered can go from loving to cold quickly.. therefore consciously believes they want intimacy but subconsciously fear it .. Which is why DA and FA might be drawn to each other Anyway Correct me if I’m wrong but that’s been my experience
@@LA-xc4tc sounds correct! I just went back to the e-book from PDS to get a better understanding. I am a mixture of AP and DA right now. When I first took the quiz I had percentages in FA.
I didn't even know about attachment styles until I found your channel. Thanks so much! We've been close friends for eight years. He's been divorced for three years and I'm finally single as well. We had a three month FWB arrangement two years ago, but he said he wasn't willing to take me away from my family, to follow his career around the country. I was hurt and angry and we didn't speak for more than a year, but when I finally reached out, he responded with enthusiasm and things seemed to be going great. We talked for hours about what we wanted from a relationship. He said he didn't want another, "failed relationship," he just wanted to be with, "the right person." He said there was, "a reason," I was one of only three people he hadn't cut out of his life for being, "toxic," that I was his, "person to talk freely to without fear of being judged," and we were, "compatible in every way." He even encouraged me to get my California nursing license and when I applied, he sent me the union agreement for a hospital near his house. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. My family and friends even threw me a going away dinner party. Just when I thought he was about to sweep me off my feet and take me 2K miles across country, to build a new life with him, he suddenly got quiet, instead. Now he says that seeing me find my happiness will make him happy because he's, "broken in many ways, on the personal side of life." He did mention a few months ago that he becomes avoidant when he doesn't feel heard. I tried to read his mind and asked him how I could be there for him better but he just got more quiet. I suspect he's Fearful Avoidant. I'm ordinarily very secure but now I feel helpless, especially with him 2K miles away, isolated from family and friends. He says he's not dating anyone but refuses to answer direct questions about what happened to us.
He could be a FA but sounds like he might lean DA. I'm FA and I know exactly what this feels like, just different circumstances. I start out secure and then if/when I'm triggered depending on who I'm with, I will either be anxious and emotional or avoidant and shut down and leave. If I were you I'd look into both FA and DA with him to try and figure out either how to handle it or to heal from it. It can be very challenging being with someone like us.
I don't know how you do this day after day Thais but thank you! Thanks to your school also, I no longer operate like this. 🙏🏽♥️
Thank you so much for your lovely comment Char. So happy we are having a positive effect in your life.
-PDS team member
@@melmel8907 hello to whom it may concern I can recommend you to someone that helped me get m ex back and he can also render you help as he did mine too
@@melmel8907 contact via WhatsApp
@@melmel8907 +1(-,816,-343,-8307)
you all prolly dont care but does any of you know a tool to log back into an Instagram account..?
I was stupid forgot the login password. I appreciate any tricks you can give me
As an FA, i can say that Thais is spot on here. At least for me. I've softened on being frustrated by people for not automatically knowing my needs, but boy is it hard for me to open up and communicate my needs. It's just... impossible. I feel like it's way too vulnerable and i'm giving my friend or partner too much power to make fun of me for being needy or whatever. I'll play it cool pretty much forever instead of admitting how i'm feeling. Just writing this so anyone dating an FA can have some insight
😭😭😭😭and finding any intimate moment with anyone be it parents friends, cringe as hell.
Thank you for sharing this, I'm gonna speak with a guy that I'm dating about this. Do you have any tips? :)
@@jushannon9152 Hi Ju! What exactly are you gonna discuss with this guy? If you don't feel comfortable expanding on it here, we can email. I'm happy to offer any help i can
@@cameranserrano1263 Did you received my answer?
@UCUXF4otfGQjxCLtDxqTFbtg I can only speak for myself when i say this, so take everything with a grain of salt. But for me, i move pretty slow in a relationship. Even if i like a person. It's just how i am. If i met up with someone once a week, that would mean i really like that person! I don't like jumping to the boyfriend/girlfriend label very fast as well. I have trust issues so if someone asks me where do i see the relationship going, i'd say something like " i don't know... but i'm happy with everything up to this point." That would actually be a big compliment but i can see how it would be considered non committal even if i didn't mean it like that and i had no intention to date anyone else. It's like speaking different languages. Which is ok. We just have to communicate that. Again, i'm not entirely sure what to say to the guy you like, but something to the effect of - "i just like you and i wanna make sure i'm not embarrassing myself or looking too thirsty" should get you an answer without putting too much pressure on the situation.
I was dating an FA and always felt like I was walking on eggshells. He broke up with me 3 times in 2 years despite being the driver of the relationship and making it sound like everything was okay or at least like he was committed to making things okay. He was generally non-communicative and would suddenly shut down to the point where I would question whether he was actually a DA and not an FA. He was not in a healthy place, definitely not interested in doing the work, but we had a deep love despite this. All very tragic but I learned that I had to give up on him and his empty promises to move forward in life.
ended a 4.5 year cycle with one. It was a nightmare.
Same here, I'm very sorry. It's a shitty position to be in for sure, we are not obligated to be their therapists and our needs matter too.
Sounds like a DA. My boyfriend left constantly, leaving me out in the middle of nowhere.
It was so traumatic for me.
Iam a FA. I would never do that to anyone.
We may have dated the same person.
@@CandyQuackenbush911 I’m sorry, hope you’re alright?
As an FA I fully agree, this is why I leave relationships 🙈 I'm thinking "wow I'm making so much effort: reading your mind, adjusting my personality to yours, meeting all your needs and being willing to give up my identity for you. And you don't even try to read my mind?" 😂
But speaking up about my needs completely triggers my enmeshment trauma. It makes me feel like a spoilt child who is demanding things. I also feel like, if I have to explain to my partner what I need him to do, that means he doesn't authentically want to do it for me, so then it's worthless. Or I feel like I'm lowkey coercing him lol
Yes! So relatable! My “friend”/FWB just forgot my birthday for the 2nd year in a row & it hurt my feelings. I put his birthday in my Google calendar so I’d remember his. I didn’t say anything until we got into an argument. And he asked why I didn’t just text him to tell him it was my birthday. I told him because it feels needy & I’m very proud. What I didn’t say was that if I was important, I feel like he’d remember.
Two FAs trying to navigate a no-labels relationship is a recipe for hurt feelings, assumptions & resentment. At least for us 🤷♀️
@@jillian2596 oh my goddess, I hear you! 💐 I also had a situationship with another FA, but at the time I had no idea about FA style. In our dynamic, he became dismissive and I became anxious. The moment I had enough though, he became anxious and chased me like a puppy. The more this back and forth happened, the more addicted I became. It was ridiculous but also deeply painful. Now I'm so glad he discarded me so I could get away early enough. And the pain for me was so bad that I actually started learning about relationship psychology for the first time. So, now I'm grateful for this disaster of a "relationship" even happened 😊 wishing you healing my friend 💐
Oh my, I could have written that 😂
Yesssssssss spot on!!!
@@mer-ced-es hello I know of someone who can render you help as he did mine too , get to him on WhatsApp
Healthy relationships stabilize us and unhealthy relationships destabilize us.
In summary: Why does this take place and what can you do about it?
1. FA's don't speak up about their needs.
- They are very hyper vigilant and very good at reading people, they can see the little nuances, changes in people's tone, attitude, micro expressions.
- As a byproduct for being so hyper vigilant, they also expect others to be the same. They expect other people to intuitively know what their needs are, to "mind read". If they see that their partner doesn't notice their needs, they automatically think "they're not cared about", "not worthy", "not respected" and eventually it turns into resentment, frustration, start telling themselves these negative stories to themselves.
2. They flee because they have a very strong "fight or flight" response.
- They usually flee when they are overflowing with resentment, when they believe they aren't being loved and respected by their partner.
- They create a "negative story" about the situation by developing these ideas on why they shouldn't trust this person, reasons on why they're not caring. They "fill in the blanks" that usually create this toxic meaning to the relationship.
3. Some of the high-level tips are:
- FA's need to have that conversation on what isn't working.
- The FA's partner needs to communicate that they want to meet the FA's needs, that they are here and they really care about them. To let them know that the FA isn't speaking out loud about their needs. That the FA partner isn't good at mind reading like the FA.
-The FA needs to learn how to explain about their boundaries and needs, how to properly communicate their boundaries going on forward.
- Make sure the FA's partner is also finding effective ways to communicate their own needs and feelings, how to communicate through their partners love language.
- Bonding Phase: this means reconnecting with each other by doing things both partners love doing like going on adventures, exploration, having fun with each other. You do this to reignite that connection while also doing the work by learning how to communicate with each other, learning each other's boundaries, finding solutions and etc.
4. Disclaimer:
- Don't do this if you're the only one who's willing to put the work in and dedication. If your partner isn't showing up and doing their part, then the situation isn't going to change or get any better. This requires both people to be actively involved to make progress and change.
Thank you for taking the time to do this.
Thank you!
Thais is a lovely name :)
Wow..I’m so happy this no longer sounds like me. I don’t expect ppl to mind read me, I’m super transparent and communicate my boundaries and exactly what I need. Though I only have a hard time getting my needs met as much as I do for others. As sometimes I’m dealing with manipulative people or with a toxic anxious person.
I feel I'm FA however its anxiety that really triggers me. I try to be perfect and be who the other person wants me to be, then question if I'm good enough, lovable, when the other person responds positively. Is that something anyone else experiences..high anxiety, overthinking, panic attacks? This has happened in 3 different relationships with available men, not with emotionally unavailable men.
This stuff is sooooo interesting and making it so much easier to understand why my partner (clearly an FA, from all your info in the videos) suddenly blurted out that he's not had his needs met for many months, even though I'd felt I'd been doing backflips to compromise for things he wanted and didn't want, and help him regulate his temper when triggered (and even though I couldn't understand what the trigger actually was). Each time there was a tantrum he'd end up saying some version of wanting me to leave, or just being so nasty that he'd force my hand to leave. Then within hours he'd be in tears terrified that I really was leaving. In the end, I felt this level of stress and instability at home was putting my mental health (and job, and friendships) at risk, so I moved out - although we haven't broken up but agreed to have a brief no-contact period and regroup about how to work on things. Even the fact that it felt like he was doing everything to cause me to finally give in and say "that's it, we're done", is soooo confusing.
Now that I'm watching these videos and reading comments from \ FA folk below, so much of the behaviour makes sense and has helped me to take it a little bit less personally. It is giving me some tools and empathy for his pain too, for the conversations ahead. However....as an AP myself, a lot depends on any solutions being a two-way street. Because being told to leave repeatedly by the person closest to you, when you already have severe abandonment issues (in my case, BPD, now in remission), is very destructive to your health. I don't think I want to sign up for that indefinitely.
I'm FA and I couldn't even imagine an AP being able to date me. I lean more avoidant with AP's and more anxious with DA's. It makes me so happy you're trying to learn about this for the person you love and yourself. We're very much all over the place. I'm a self-aware FA and purposely stayed single for a decade as to not confuse or hurt anyone. Please take care of yourself and keep putting yourself first. 💗
My DA broke up with me because I asked him these same questions you are mentioning and invited him to open up and share his needs with me.. I came from a loving caring space and yet he felt attacked, criticized and he started to distance himself, became critical verbally and emotionally cold, then started the most awful silent treatment .. then blamed me for the break up. I did explain to him that his anger and dismissive ways come from his childhood but despite agreeing with me, he decided that he does not see any need to heal, work on his trauma or change.
Wow. Just wow. Literally 100% what goes on in my head. We just broke up & he has no idea how much love I had towards him, how much energy I invested. I hit my tipping point bc I finally expressed my needs (SO DIFFICULT) & sadly.. They.. Were .. Ignored... Now I'm shattered. I feel like I never want to open up & be vulnerable again!! This pain is killing me. I feel disappointed in myself. I regret trusting. I regret allowing him in. I wish he understood how this feels. I'm so broken. I'm so stupid! Why do I expect someone to love me like I love them? Ugh plz say a prayer for me. Idk if I ever want to invest sooo much of myself for someone ever again. It feels like I lost myself. 🙏
Woah, I didn't give you permission to see into my soul like that! Yeesh!
I always thought it was weird people couldn’t read my mind the way I could read theirs 😂
Why? One word: heartless. There’s no excuse for destroying the person you love because you’re too chicken to face your fears. Don’t date if you can’t handle it.
Agreed. I honestly feel some people just shouldn’t date at all if they are a FA.
I agree. Even though I have compassion for FAs they really don't understand the damage, they really don't get it.
I understand that breaking up and leaving the relationship is painful and isn't the healthy response, but calling fa's heartless is not fair or true at all, it's also really hurtful. There are exceptions of course, but it isn't only for fa's. Ap's and da's can hurt others to, if that's on purpose or by accident. Though usually it's by accident for everyone.
The video was never on excusing the behaviours, but understanding why they happen, so people can see that many fa's aren't heartless and can try to communicate with the fa about it. Also so fa's can realize some of their unhealthy patterns so they can work on it.They are human beings just like everyone else, that went through painful trauma and have painful programming due to it just like how others do.
It's hurtful to diminish fa's traumas and the coping responses they have to it, which they developed at a time where they needed it to feel safe, as them being "chicken". You can't judge or criticize others, you didn't walk a mile in their shoes or experience what they did.
It's hard to be able to show up in all of these ways, when you weren't modelled any of that, have experienced trauma, and don't have an awareness to it. Many of these behaviours are on autopilot. Many people can ask fa's and others why they do certain things, instead of just assuming the worst and judging them. We all need to have empathy, understanding, compassion, and be supportive towards the people we date and literally to everyone, whether they are in our life in some way or not.
@@jolenebraganza1813 treating someone way *is* heartless. If a person doesn’t get that they should stay single
@@macbookbackup7041 I hope you can learn how to be more understanding and empathetic. I promise that it will benefit you and your relationships tremendously. All the best.
Yeah, mine wasn't healthy. I'm and FA and feel she was also. Had vulnerability used against me. Being able to read her caused cognitive dissonance as her words and actions didn't meet her energy. Here is an easy example, she told me that her predominant love language was also touch, then later accused me of not meeting her love language which was allegedly evenly split at words of affirmation / gifts. Yes, guilty of NOT communicating my needs enough. Hypervigilance was off the charts in this relationship. Glad I can sleep again, and blood pressure returned to low normal from off the charts unhealthy. 🤦♂️🔥☮
My girlfriend (FA) and I were so in love, laughing and joking, telling me she how much she cared and couldnt wait to see what the future holds and then 2 days later shes gone! Soo painful...hopefully she gets help.
any update?
My partner just did the same thing to me… I just… I’m trying to understand but I’m so incredibly hurt, then they messaged me to remain friends the day after they ended things….
Same just ghosted after saying the same. It really hurts. You’re not alone.
I love your content and help but I wish TH-cam coaches wouldn’t promoting their online courses / packages so much.
Agreed. Especially when the promo section takes up like 1/3 of the runtime on some videos and you hear it over and over if you want to listen to a bunch of stuff at once..
I get the need to promote the actual business side. But at least use the actual video content to sell us on the deeper stuff first. Coming off with the promos first is really intrusive and makes the whole channel feel more like an ad than a service. (I mean, well, yeah... that's exactly what this is if we're being honest. But the illusion is nice.)
I see the fearful avoidant will leave a relation when his/her dismissive side is empowered, and that is called to much "comfort". Is sad to see it but a FA can only "love" when they are in the fearful-anxious state, and if you want to succeed with FA you have to keep it there, because that is the only thing he or she may fell right. Now try to communicate to the FA about his needs and feeling, you will always get lies or your words bounced back. So good luck with that, you will need it.
I can totally understand this comment. I gave too much comfort and it made her leave and not exhibit any feelings at all
Sounds like my ex who was in a codependent abusive relationship with an alcoholic for 6 years but left me in 4th month of dating, because she stopped feeling connection. It was peaceful with me and perhaps we were genuinely not well suited, because after initial high, novelty and hopes there was nothing much to hold us together. Hard to tell how much it was because of her emotional blockages and how much due to some objective incompatibility (?) She said that we were still getting to know each other, it became confusing for her and feelings can change. It didn't feel right to keep on working on it as she had a strong sense she couldn't give me the type of relationship I wanted/deserved and vice versa. Btw, she might have been triggered when I wasn't enthusiastic about her rather controversial sexual past. If you could offer some perspective, I'd appreciate it a lot.
FALSE! I'm a fearful-avoidant and the worst thing you can do is trigger my fear of rejection/abandonment. You will be dumped immediately. I become avoidant to stop feeling anxious. I feel soooo wonderful after dumping someone who was triggering my anxious side. The relief is so soothing. Even more soothing is seeing the anxious person who tried playing games spiral into despair on social media posting 100 times daily pretending their life is perfect without me. So long, sucka! 😘
What about two fearful avoidants interacting? I’m TERRIBLE about asking for what I need. I have a “friend”/pseudo-boyfriend who is much better at asking for help/support, but I consistently repress my needs with him.
We both tend to get our feelings hurt, make assumptions & then withdrawal *sigh*
Do you need help
Someone can help you he helped me get my ex back and he can also be of great help to you too
Whtspp him
Any update? I’m in a similar situation
@@FM-zg5hz He discarded me via text in late June after 2 years of a “friendship”/nebulous relationship. We haven’t communicated since then. I wish he would have handled it with more emotional maturity, but I don’t think he was capable.
He told me in mid-June that his new psychiatrist thought he might have borderline personality disorder. Apparently people w/ BPD are prone to fearful avoidant behavior.
How is your situation going?
Please do a video on two FAs leaning toward DA in a relationship with each other...we both took your quiz! And it is a long distance relationship right now.
Hello do you need help me get my ex back and he can also render you help as he did mine too
Whtsapp him directly
Okay, on one day NC. He was upset I said he wasn't texting enough and ignoring me. He didn't block me completely so I sent an apology. He hasn't talked to me in a week but I consider now NC because I won't message him again after the apology. It's so hard being an AP but he's definitely an FA and I have to fight my urge to quickly fix problems.
Thais said the most important thing towards the end - if the FA isn't/hasn't put(ting) in the work equally, JUST LET HIM GO. More fish in the ocean!
FA here, I’ve progressed to being able to reach out when those feelings come. I just sent a text asking if I still had VIP parking status in his heart. Got two paragraphs for it about how my constant need for reassurance was wearing thin. I must have missed a step along the way. Needless to say I’m no longer burdening him
WoW thank you for slapping me in the face with my own sh*$@t 😂
~Sincerely, a FA currently doing this 🤦🏼♀️
~slowly tiptoes over to website to sign up for courses~
OMG! It’s official, I’m a Fearful Avoidant......
Let them go and find someone that is emotionally mature.
Grown ups know their needs and can communicate them.
I wish I would have found this sooner. She left me three weeks ago after a year and a half and I'm using "no contact" to give her space and praying she will speak to me again. This is definitely one of the most difficult times of my life. I love her so much
@@aliciamaccarrone3420 I failed at no contact. My anxiety was so extreme that I couldn’t stop reaching out to her to the point where she blocked me everywhere. I even wrote her letters. It was bad. I do believe that if I could have walked away on that day that she broke up with me and not bothered her that maybe she would have at least reached out to me in some way. I lasted one month and lost control of myself.
@@aliciamaccarrone3420 She is definitely an avoident of some type and obviously I’m super anxious 😕
@@aliciamaccarrone3420 Thank you! It does get better with time. A part of me will always hope that I hear from her again.
How’s been going?
any updates? did they come back :(
As I FA I walked away from a DA recently because I was the only one prepared to do the work and heal. I was learning and understanding him and it was working but he was still very dismissive of my needs.
I did this exact thing also. He did all these deactivating strategies, and tried to be verbally hurtful intentionally, then all the uncertainty about what is real and if he cared made me wonder why I was doing this if he doesn’t respect or care about me…. I tried to talk to him about the silent treatment asking him to please communicate and he laughed in a demeaning way so… I was so triggered, all I could think was… this is hurting me now and I felt he would keep being intentionally hurtful… and I wasn’t sure I could handle that or why I would knowingly continue on that path.
Wow! I only had 1 real relationship and it was for almost 5 years. I stayed because she was loving and caring and she sees me in her future, I just can't hurt her!! But eventually, I did leave for whatever reason. The guilt was so engulfing, the pain I felt for her was 2x and I tried to be friends, god I can't imagine the pain I put her through! 😭 Then I thought, I was so picky for turning down some guys, I ended relationships before it even starts, the heck do I know I just didn't know how to trust and communicate.
When you can communicate your needs as in warn your partner, but they're a DA and refuse to change lol. It's not for a lack of trying.. Maybe a video on how best to go about bringing up these topics between these types. I've seen a few but the coverage was a bit broad.
Such a helpful video. Helps me understand my ex, her behavior and decisions much better.
Leave as soon as you can believe me if they don't care on the visible you see and avoid at all times just go it's hard but just go
This is like the 3rd or 4th time my girl FA left me, last time was the longest for 6 months zero contact then she showed up bombarding me to be with me and love me and I flew to Florida and spend a week with her after a month plus of talking 24/7 and in love then half way through the trip she shut off and said she doesn’t want this anymore, like a light switch, and now I’m back home and she isn’t talking to me, she is the one who brought up to me last month that she figured out she is a fearful avoidant and was trying to obviously heal and communicate to me she has a problem, but now it’s been a week and she isn’t talking to me. But she hasn’t blocked me that I know of like before. It’s been 4 years together. She can’t magically not love me now, we need to fix this but she cannot keep doing this. I have asked her to do therapy counseling and she isn’t communicating wether she will or not
So I’m to the point I will give her a few weeks to respond or not and willing to get help or not and if she doesn’t do that I’m taking your advice and moving on. This is the woman I’m Supposed to marry and have babies with. She is my soul mate and we are now both early 30s I don’t have time to waste to make a family and find another woman after devoting 4 years to this girl. I’m exhausted I have tried everything.
@@celebratecrypto3693 just wanted to send some virtual hugs, bro.
It would be great if you could maybe offer a bundle price together with the boundaries course?
habe you thought about the all-access pass? that gives you every course in our library and you can cancel at anytime. It is the most popular package and most value for your dollar.
-PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool I have thought about it, but decided to purchase individual courses instead because I'm really bad with managing subscriptions. But thank you for answering 😊
Mostly secure fearful avoidant here. I remember being SHOCKED absolutely shocked when i asked a guy I was dating for something and he smiled just did it like he was happy to make me more comfortable. I wasn't used to that. I had worked up so much nerve to ask him. (I think it was something really dumb like, can you turn the A/C in the car down) seriously i was THAT conditioned to think asking for something that inconsequential needed a deep breath and steadying myself to ask.
Growing up it was like anything desire or need I had seemed to annoy my mom. So i would try not to need anything. And if she wanted the AC at 4 and I wanted it turned down to 2, there was a high likelihood she would start yelling at me. I definitely felt like i was not only walking on eggshells but holding my breath all the time.
I nicely spoke up about my needs but that just pushed him away and made him ignore me 🤣
Everything was great. She even said it herself. Then she asked for space. I said ok and haven’t seen her since.
I miss my ex so much
any updates? did they come back :(
@@Juju-tw7we I haven't spoken to them
@@cellbiologyshorts9105 damn. Fa or Da? Did they ever reach out at all? How long were you together..
@@Juju-tw7we I fear I am giving you misplaced sympathy. I'm the one that left. Not done anything more than a couple of quizzes but they say I am 50:50 DA:FA. We were together for around three years. I'm not proud of what I did.
@@cellbiologyshorts9105 :( i see.. why did you ghost them though? If I may ask, if you were around together 3 years, and esp since you miss(ed) them.
I am contemplating on when to reach out… or when he’d be open? It’s been a month since we last talked, but he blocked me everywhere just last week, no explanation nor goodbye - all the while when I though we were ok?
As an FA, I have never left anyone. Never broken up with anyone. I always wait until they leave me.
Do they do this with friendships as well?
Late reply, but I'm currently ghosted out of a friendship by an Avoidant (not sure if FA or DA), and since everything was fine before I now wonder the exact same thing... any updates on your part? Could you save the friendship?
Could the same thing happen at the time of a first friction or fight in a relationship?
That happened exactly with me. One fight and she was gone.
@@bernardzsikla5640 it doesn't take much. You're no longer "ideal" once you have one differing moment.
I do it bc I'm scaredy
Can he come back after a break up we still see each and talk sometimes I care for him and keep hoping he will care again. I am still keep trying we do enjoy each others company
Hello I can recommend you to someone that helped me fix my marriage , he can also help you as he helped me get m ex back recently
Get to him on WhatsApp
+1,816,-343,-8307
Any update?
i’ve been dumped twice by a DA it’s been 6 months and we’ve decided to be friends. he hasn’t changed one bit but i think i have, i used to BEG for him to talk to me more because i never understood all this and i was anxious! but now we are friends i do see other men, when my ex disappears ( because some days he says goodnight to me at 11am because he just doesn’t wNt to talk that day) so i just let it be and do my own thing, i let him come back when he’s ready.
Any update?
@@FM-zg5hz he came back after 6 months no contact i only let him back cus this time he was sad and he said he'd never let me go. this time we did so much more, he did speak to me more, made effort however last month he said he cant talk to me anymore and he left again lool even though he promised me wont.
i guess its for the best
Hi:( im an fa and my partner is an anxious.
i broke up with him several times but this time he’s tired:((( i didn’t know i was an fa until now bc i’m doing research and i’m working on my self.
he asked for space and alone time because he said he’s drained out.
how long do anxious people miss a partner?
im scared i don’t wanna lose him
@@anonymous-so5cz hi. first of all good on your for recognising and willing to change so be proud of yourself
@@mizzcrazygal thank you!! I'm gonna stick by his side until he's fully healed so he can see that I'm not gonna give up anymore.
This is such helpful information 💕🙏
Thank you for your service
4:07
I've just finished a relationship today...it was only 4 months in, but im not too sure if this is self sabotage or genuine red flags and there a valid reason to put an end to the relationship. I'm second guessing myself.....
If you are a FA then it is likely you creating stories in your head you should ground yourself and try and see things from a different perspective.
Any update?
Thank you for the video!
Hello I know of someone who helped me get m ex back recently and he can also help you too
Whtsapp him
+,1,81,6,3,4,38,307
@@goddyhelen6049 I never asked for this and i dont want back any of my exes, I'm happy in my current relationship, thank you.
Thais, I really appreciate these videos. I've been following you religiously for nearly a year and a half now. It's really helped me understand and work on my own attachment styles over time. I've consciously improved my relationships with my parents, sibling, closest friends and even repaired some close bonds that had drifted away over time. I wouldn't say the onus of all these was squarly on me, but over time I could get perspective on the relations that I wanted to keep.
That being said, for my relationship with my partner, I sometimes find it hard draw the line between his attachment style and narcissism. As toxic as that relationship got, knowing that it seems from attachment insecuties has helped me let go and move on over time.
Hello to whom it may concern I can recommend you to someone that helped me get my ex back and he can also render you help as he did mine too
Contact him directly on WhatsApp
+1,,816-,343,-8307
So accurate
Hello I know of someone who helped me restore back my broken marriage and he can also help you as he did mine too
Whtsapp him directly
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When my ex broke up with me she told me she doesn't feel anything for me, she is "blocked" and can't give me love or commitment. Soon after that she texted that she doesn't want to cause me more pain and wished me all the best for the future. She often seemed emotionally detached, but tried to make things work because I was such a good partner 'on paper'. Do you guys think it has something to do with her previous relationship trauma and her attachment style, or she just wasn't that into me? Few weeks before the breakup I asked her for a bit of space as I needed to process certain facts from her past, but we reconciled after that.
@@sunbeam9222 I think you're spot on, thank you for sharing. It did seem almost like a project that when didn't work out, got closed. She did like me and even said that she'd try therapy and see if something will change, but in a matter of days she started treating me like a friend and we drifted away. You know, it hurt that she didn't value my presence in her life enough to try to work on things, or at least to offer friendship in the future. Is it easier to move on, rationalize the split (later on she offered explanation that we were too different, she had to be authentic to herself, etc. etc.) and don't look back? There's not enough fondness for an ex that would make you want to revisit them in the future? X
@@sunbeam9222 It does make a lot of sense what you said. I'm just afraid that she couldn't develop strong feelings to me in general, as it was unnecessary to be so definitive with saying goodbye to me (I don't know if she can fall in love with anyone now, there seemed to be some 'blockage' in her body). She said that we were still getting to know each other, it can be confusing and feelings can change. It didn't feel right to keep on working on it. And that she had a strong sense that she couldn't give me the type of relationship I wanted/deserved and vice versa. If you could offer some perspective, I'd appreciate it a lot. I hope you're doing well. X
Interesting. I definitely leave relationships or get frustrated with people for not recognizing needs. Especially when I express my needs and why it's a need/why I will ask for certain things. *as I'm struggling to get off my death bed so when people can't hear my asks, it threatens my quality of life or ability to actually not die. People like family or now ex boyfriend, will say they want to help, I say what I need sometimes with a very detailed plan taking everyone's potential needs into account, then I'm not heard or responded to until it's too late and I'm crying because I can't trust anyone plus have to find a way back to the ER. People literally fight with me at this point when I'm having a stroke or heart attack, saying I'm not allowed to be upset for them attempting to help me now..... WTF!!!! I wouldn't be having a stroke for them to "help me with" had my requests for my health been heard when it was simple i.e. "please make sure I'm able to crawl to this one sunny window. If you see me there, please pet my back and bring me water" ..... the window will finally be cleared once my system totally shuts down and my healing is put back up to 6 months or I have a near death experience.... also takes months to heal from. These people do not love me, they are purposely torturing me until I'm dead or find a way to kill myself.
I hope you find the help you need. Prayers for you
I have a question that I need clarity on.
There’s Dismissive Avoidant, Fearful Avoidant & Anxious Preoccupied, right?
It’s hard for me to distinguish FA from DA. They feel very similar to me.
I think DA is much more unfeeling in general, afraid of intimacy, closeness.. out of touch with their emotions..
where as FA craves intimacy, closeness, can be very open and loving but has wounds around disrespect and rejection.. and when triggered can go from loving to cold quickly.. therefore consciously believes they want intimacy but subconsciously fear it ..
Which is why DA and FA might be drawn to each other
Anyway
Correct me if I’m wrong but that’s been my experience
th-cam.com/video/zjlromHj7lU/w-d-xo.html This video from Thais might help
@@cameranserrano1263 thank you!! I just did some research and created a playlist of videos to go and watch to help me with the differences
@@LA-xc4tc sounds correct! I just went back to the e-book from PDS to get a better understanding.
I am a mixture of AP and DA right now. When I first took the quiz I had percentages in FA.
@@BiancaTatum No worries Bianca!!
I didn't even know about attachment styles until I found your channel. Thanks so much! We've been close friends for eight years. He's been divorced for three years and I'm finally single as well. We had a three month FWB arrangement two years ago, but he said he wasn't willing to take me away from my family, to follow his career around the country. I was hurt and angry and we didn't speak for more than a year, but when I finally reached out, he responded with enthusiasm and things seemed to be going great. We talked for hours about what we wanted from a relationship. He said he didn't want another, "failed relationship," he just wanted to be with, "the right person." He said there was, "a reason," I was one of only three people he hadn't cut out of his life for being, "toxic," that I was his, "person to talk freely to without fear of being judged," and we were, "compatible in every way." He even encouraged me to get my California nursing license and when I applied, he sent me the union agreement for a hospital near his house. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. My family and friends even threw me a going away dinner party. Just when I thought he was about to sweep me off my feet and take me 2K miles across country, to build a new life with him, he suddenly got quiet, instead. Now he says that seeing me find my happiness will make him happy because he's, "broken in many ways, on the personal side of life." He did mention a few months ago that he becomes avoidant when he doesn't feel heard. I tried to read his mind and asked him how I could be there for him better but he just got more quiet. I suspect he's Fearful Avoidant. I'm ordinarily very secure but now I feel helpless, especially with him 2K miles away, isolated from family and friends. He says he's not dating anyone but refuses to answer direct questions about what happened to us.
He could be a FA but sounds like he might lean DA. I'm FA and I know exactly what this feels like, just different circumstances. I start out secure and then if/when I'm triggered depending on who I'm with, I will either be anxious and emotional or avoidant and shut down and leave. If I were you I'd look into both FA and DA with him to try and figure out either how to handle it or to heal from it. It can be very challenging being with someone like us.
@@LeeChrissy thank you