thank you Tim. they should teach this in school. I used to be completely naive. After being exploited by countless “friends”, I finally learned the lesson. Now I’m very careful, without being paranoid. I have boundaries, I trust my gut feelings and I’ve learned how to say no. My life has improved significantly.
I'm from a third world country, there is no such thing as "support groups" here, the only support groups here are religious organisations that are filled with other CPTSD victims that just don't know it yet. Tim and TH-cam is literally a life saver 🙌
I accepted dysfunction because I thought I had to. My belief that people are untrustworthy made me accept them because I thought I had to or not have any friends. Basically now, I have no friends, but I am happier.
I would like to commend Tim for his honesty in pointing out that there is no magic method or magic place for finding safe people. The method is like looking for a good plumber of good auto mechanic, but takes longer. The difference in my view is that there are registries and ratings available for finding plumbers and mechanics, and sometimes there are ways to make things right if they don't go well the first time. Not so when looking for safe people. I've been looking for safe people for 65 years and haven't found any yet. And I incurred a lot more trauma along the way. I don't have another 65 years to keep looking and vetting people. Now, based on Tim's honest description, I can feel satisfied in knowing that finding safe people will never happen for me. I am safest in keeping my own company, and I can spend my final years in peace.
I think it's important in any discussion of this topic to point out that 1) *Close relationships are actually NOT required for MUCH of the healing that can help us feel WAY better.* 🌿😃🌿 2) Since many of us were subconsciously programmed that we're not ALLOWED to like, validate, or care for ourselves (etc.) the way a healthy parent, friend, or partner would, consciously taking back that power can be healing whether we're in relationships or not. 💪😀💖 3) Feeling fearful of or permanently done with relationships is a *common* and *UNDERSTANDABLE* response when interpersonal harm was the source of our wounds! 4) There are MANY factors that can help or hinder forming new relationships that have nothing to do with personal effort (limited time due to work or family commitments, needing to prioritize processing active stressors like transitions, job loss, grief...). It's OKAY to honor your own pace and not judge yourself based on others' opinions or timelines. 5) It's a totally legitimate and even WISE choice sometimes to NOT pursue relationships until we've built up our coping toolbox and feel less triggered by others. 6) Doing healing work is worthwhile in itself (full stop!). AND it often has the side benefit of making us feel more resilient and safe in social interactions. Win-win! 🤩 7) Support groups are a great place to meet people with lived understanding of cPTSD who may also share our commitment to healing (ACA, Al-Anon, AA, CHADD, etc.). *Whether you become friends with anyone through a support group or not, fellow members can provide the validation, listening, acceptance, respect, caring, etc. that make relationships healing.* 8) Finding groups and activities *you're interested in anyway* that meet regularly with the same people (key feature) is a great way to *naturally* meet new people without feeling artificial or desperate. Chatting before, during, or after the activity is a lower-stakes way to get to know people a bit, and if it doesn't lead to outside activities or friendship, you've still pursued something you were interested in! 😃 9) The following helped supercharge my healing, and the fact that my social anxiety also melted away was a welcome bonus! - Books and videos about toxic family systems that helped me understand *it wasn't my fault* (and it wasn't yours either! ❤) - Nervous system regulating techniques - Journaling - Learning about Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) - Using feelings charts to identify and check in with my feelings - Embracing the wisdom in "shadow" emotions like anger (boundaries crossed), resentment (need to enforce boundaries/prioritize self more), and envy (unfulfilled dreams that might be possible now : - ) - CBT/DBT techniques - Identifying and reframing negative Core Beliefs learned in childhood - Asking what I like and admire about other people and noticing how I have some of those same qualities - Keeping a journal of evidence that contradicts negative beliefs and reviewing it often - Learning that boundaries are what WE do, and practicing enforcing them (first in small ways with safer people) - Inner child work (so helpful!!!) - Noticing what I'm doing *right* - Being a good friend to mySELF < : - ) - Finding things I'm good at---even small things---and doing them regularly (success is a vitamin!) - Consciously prioritizing fun, play, and laughter when things feel difficult - Learning my own love languages and lavishing myself with kindness, support, and approval I NEVER would have imagined when I was young---or even most of my adult life---that I could feel so much better and actually LIKE myself. And that happened *before* I felt comfortable risking relationships again. 🙃😀 Good wishes to everyone on this healing journey! Never forget there are GOOD people out there who'd feel LUCKY to love and be loved by you! 🌈🌿😃🤓😻🍀💖
I kinda gave up on finding safe people. My mom is a psychopath and I had a childhood with a lot of abuse. Two partners who both cheated. I’m an introvert, more by design than nature I think. I find a lot of satisfaction in my hobbies and interests and my dogs. I feel safer this way. I like having surface chats with fellow dog walkers and neighbours, but that’s enough for me. The pain I’ve been through is nothing I want to experience again. I’m over half way through my life and my priority in this area is to feel peace and safety.
Thank you Tim Fletcher. I have watched probably about fifty to a hundred of your videos. Sometimes I am surprised at how much you are aware of and brave enough to explicitly explain, and warn us about. I am conforted by your understandings and explainations and think you are like an excellent parent. I love the Christian components too. May God please bless you and your work.
I have never found that close, safe person. Mostly just surface level. Most people don’t know how to accept, hold space, be non-judgemental.They should teach communication and ‘how to be a good person’ in schools.
I've had trouble with this. It seems like I see red flags in people. I have a lot of workplace examples, which may not be the place at all to find safe people. I meet supervisors and colleagues that appear kind and caring, but then I witness them gossip about others who aren't in the room. I figure, if they gossip about others, they're probably gossiping about me when I'm not in the room.
It took me 40+ years to get some friends, but at the end all of them appeared to be assholes. I just don't feel like I have enough time (and desire) to repeat that again, especially after having this experience.
Sorry you had a similar experience. In 50yrs I’ve known only 2 safe people. Through relationships, businesses, properties … All of that. I’ve chosen hermit with dogs. It’s safer. I’ve found it impossible to vet people because they lie so well and many can do it for months. Then when the real person emerges, it’s wild.
I get it. I've gone from my toxic family to one group, then another. I remember my first experience being dropped off at a daycare and hiding all day in a playground barrel crying. I was inconsolable. It really didn't ever get any better. I just got better at hiding how I felt around other people until I be ame so attention starved and needy, I turned into an obnoxious clown and a people pleaser.
This was on my mind the other day, differentiating between relationships and bonding via community and safe space & place to share one’s insight/experiences.
Forget about community, if you find one fellow person with whom you will be able to establish meaningful connection with - you are a JACKPOT winner. It’s almost impossible, the expectations people have are impossible to fulfilled. Even if you are genuine, loyal you might do something stupid due to being lonely for too long which can mess up a person, and nobody will give you a second chance because of a petty mistake, misunderstanding. People expect you to be perfect, no mercy, no time for dealing with slightest flaw. And it’s also like the enemy, some invisible forces are planting seeds of confusion, doubts in people’s minds, so we are unable to connect.
Really appreciated this video, Tim… thank you! I can attest that once I started trauma processing and healing, I realized that most of my (previous) fellowship and friendships were not very healthy. SUCH a sobering reality - esp as I was in the thick of emotional heaviness and discovery. Nonetheless, I realized I just had to sit there & wait (ugh…not easy) in the void. I did it though; got through all the emotions of emptiness and impatience - and I’m happy to say that within 6-9mos., our children were able to key into some solid friendships through our youth group… which has even expanded some adult fellowship for my husband and I. Long wait - but worth it… the Lord does provide🙏🏼
Up until recently, I had faith in my fellow man. Now that I have been betrayed by every single person in my life including my brothers, my sister's, my wives, my best friends, I no longer have faith that any person is a decent person. This is very sad for me and I'm not sure exactly how to deal with it.
I want to make sure that I can be a safe person for others. I don't think I can handle disappointing good people again. Unfortunately it feels like, sometimes it can feel like, sometimes I'm afraid that I might never allow myself the chance to try and instead will be constantly trying to improve. You see that correction I did? That's good I'm proud of myself for that and I left it in.
I can relate. There have been people who have wanted to go to the next level with me, but I didn't think I had the capacity to do it. I believe I ended up hurting them by keeping my wall up.
I said to a woman earlier this morning that the world should be better, people should respect 1 another and be caring towards others. She replied: "that is too much to ask"
@@SlavicGirl. God revealed also smb else's true face, an old friend and neighbour of mine (20years all childhood and teenage years we were friends), when i was in Chania homeless 2019-2021 she didn't give me some water or bread (she is super ultra rich owns estates etc...) i saw on Linkedin she is in "Charity" "international Aid organisations"(money laundry, politics and avoid taxes...). Yeah sure she didn't give a glass of water to a friend she grew up with but cares about people abroad in poverty.. such hypoctites🤮😤😰
I’ve been through the process of looking for safe people but I realize there is no such thing as safe people. You just always have to remember not to let people know too much about you that’s how you get around unsafe people.
Recently I've realized that I don't have a single person with a secure attachment in my life. Everyone I know is avoidant. I've come to terms with having no contact for weeks or sometimes months and sending each other YT shorts now and then to stay in touch. I feel lonely dispite having friends. I don't want to accept relationships to their terms anymore. I respect their boundaries and know that this means that I wouldn't dare to call them at night if I had an emergency. Or that they wouldn't go through the fire for me. There is always a distance. They feel save with no contact and not having to do anything outside their emotional comfort zone or to even sacrifice anything. I feel lonely and disconnected and as if I'm unimportant. I don't want this anymore.
I am so thankful to you Tim. I have been doing exactly what you speak of as healthy for friendship and felt I was somehow dysfunctional for vetting people. I grew up with almost no boundaries, so having them seems off to people who don’t.
I had to fire a therapist because i could sense her judgment and disapproval like a smack in the face. Not safe. I was very respectful in my approach but she got defensive and annoyed. She later sent me a letter through the mail telling me i could no longer make appointments with her 😳. I currently have a very therapeutic therapist, thank God.
Church, coffee shop, book club, animal shelter, or anywhere you start to frequent regularly. Follow your interests and values and you are more likely to find the people you can be friends with, but it is a slow process. I am still working on a couple of acquaitances/friends. We are somewhere in the middle, I think. Frustrating, but worth it if I can get at least one good friend from my efforts.
Find an activity you enjoy or go to learn something new like cooking 😂...learn how to dance..or voluntary jobs with assotiations that helps poor people. A place where you can find someone with common interests and values. The problem is powerful people don't want people making communities and while we seem to be very connected with our cell phones, we are becoming more alienated. I hardly ever see people talking. I see people together each with a cell phone. It's ridiculous.
Good information sir👍🏼 In theory, however in real life, with people being judgmental, easier said than done. Any pointers on how to overcome bias or stigma?
If you are older/seasoned - going through 10-20 friendship attempts can be dangerous to your mental health. Trust in God and let Him send Spiritual God-fearing people to you. Learn to look and listen to the God in people. This might be your tribe.
Yes❤ and also exhausting... I feel like it's a waste of time trying to force it on my own. So I've let go, and let God😅 I haven't happenstanced a friend yet, but it feels like they're near. Take care❤
Unfortunately, not even God-fearing people are a safe haven as I have learned in my church. They need to *LOVE JESUS* , then they have the right tool for healthy relationships.
im in my fifties, there’s not much time remaining so why bother, Life for me was more than 95 percent the slow process you mentioned but at the end nothing was worth keeping. We are alone if you think about on a realistic level, you have friends for work for convenience for obligations or family bond, and whatever else you can think of, true camaraderie is out there but not easy to find, none are guaranteed to be genuine or forever. I think it Really depends on vetting healthy people to be connected for the long game, values vary widely,and expectations aren’t met or reciprocated. I don’t see that (deep trustworthy friendship)happening to many out there so these political affiliations may seem like the way many are using to connect but not always ending up good either.
Thank you so much for explaining the levels and how it works, how long it can take... I have to learn it intelectually, cause my feelings are a bit messed up, and bring some chaos while I am interacting with other people. 🙏
I am sick and handicapped and I don't have enough energy/money to go through this process, do you have resources that can help me mourning over "having friends" and make peace with being alone in life?
I have a question. For a trauma person, what is considered 'safe'? Because safety for an individual with different growing up experience is vastly different. Is 'safety' based on personal experience or it has a set of rules to follow? Some people find safer to open themselves up to strangers and some do not and this action may come from a place of trauma. Or certain people that exhibit certain characteristics that attract others to be open to them and some do not find them safe to open up to. Why?
This is great advice when dealing with functional people with empathy. I wonder what you’d advise for sociopathic types? Is there even a way of ascertaining who these people are at the outset? My experience has been trying to vet people gradually as you describe only to find, months later, that they were subtlely using me the entire time or wheedling their way into my life to abuse, cheat, steal, take over and all the other crap sociopathic types do. All while appearing normal, considerate, friendly & decent. How do you see the trap before it snaps shut?
Videos like this, though well meaning, make everything feel so hopeless. What happens when you do find the proverbial needle in the haystack.. just to realize it wants nothing to do with you..
I don't know if I'm finding people with cptsd and we trigger each other or they all are covert narcissits. It's hard to know it because the triggering or the paranoia, mistrust, etc, happens very quick. I don't know what to think.
The world HAS turned upside down. I feel like a lot of people have grown stone-cold and hardened hearts (as is predicted in the Bible), which certainly wasn't the case when I was younger.
Interesting question, as a member of the LGBTQ+ community this becomes much harder to answer, especially when we take into consideration the reality of trauma!
I listen to a lot of "developing healthy relationships for complex PTSD" advice. It always assumes extroversion. Meaning, words are used like "you meet someone and....[insert advice here]". There is an unfortunate assumption that there is a means for meeting people. That is an unfortunate assumption.
@@caroleminke6116 you mean ducks, crows, stray cats and hedgehogs? that's the only"people" I meet while gardening and that's more than when I am reading (my other big passion) because it's mostly flies / mosquitoes I encounter while reading in summer, in winter there is nothing else but dust !!
So if I cant find safe people, I cant start to heal my complex trauma? Its like I am supposed to pass the exam without learning anything first. The chances of failing is so much bigger than success. I cant trust my instincts on whether they are safe or not, because trauma are messing up these. So if I dont heal first, I will never find healty people!?
I don’t think soul mates (by this definition - someone we can share everything with) are a real thing. That would be a parent in early childhood, and if we miss out on that we can carry that need/wish through to adulthood. But adults don’t share everything with anyone - even a romantic partner shouldn’t have full access to our inner worlds.
This is very good, also maintain cordiality if the dynamics change. For example, my longtime girlfriend and I recently broke up. Although it's been difficult we've agreed we can still be cousins. Ha ha, just kidding! Good luck everybody : )
But isn’t it naive to say to us that we should check for issues? Everyone has an ego, everyone has protective mechanisms. Those things will eventually come out, whether in 3 months or 3 years. How can we really know someone within a few meetings- if they are safe, what their ego is like, what their protective mechanisms are like- when even several years is not enough time?
Why are there a half dozen commercials for a 10 minute video. I'm finding youtube and the internet in general more and more boring. I can live without it.
You are done !! And you going to be answering for the last quote on quote investigation you did here for the past 4 years !! With a story that makes no damn sense at all !!
So what in the world are you investigating?? Go find out how this woman stole my information ! And what was the reason behind her calling this men after she knew what they done !!
And then don't come here with your nonsense! Now all the time is oh it's the gifts !!! No that's the story he said !! He made it up in front me !! And no he never worked !! So what the hell you investigating!???????
Is a safe person a “nice person” who’s only nice bc they’re fake and setting you up to use you? Or a “rigid person” who’s “rigid” because they’ve recovered and knows what works and what doesn’t and lives by sound spiritual principles? Asking for a friend 👍. We all know which type everyone chooses. I think they chose wrong purposefully so they can avoid taking responsibility and keep playing the victim. Victims ARE the narcissist they claim everyone else is.
thank you Tim. they should teach this in school. I used to be completely naive. After being exploited by countless “friends”, I finally learned the lesson. Now I’m very careful, without being paranoid. I have boundaries, I trust my gut feelings and I’ve learned how to say no. My life has improved significantly.
I'm from a third world country, there is no such thing as "support groups" here, the only support groups here are religious organisations that are filled with other CPTSD victims that just don't know it yet.
Tim and TH-cam is literally a life saver 🙌
I accepted dysfunction because I thought I had to. My belief that people are untrustworthy made me accept them because I thought I had to or not have any friends. Basically now, I have no friends, but I am happier.
I would like to commend Tim for his honesty in pointing out that there is no magic method or magic place for finding safe people. The method is like looking for a good plumber of good auto mechanic, but takes longer. The difference in my view is that there are registries and ratings available for finding plumbers and mechanics, and sometimes there are ways to make things right if they don't go well the first time. Not so when looking for safe people.
I've been looking for safe people for 65 years and haven't found any yet. And I incurred a lot more trauma along the way. I don't have another 65 years to keep looking and vetting people. Now, based on Tim's honest description, I can feel satisfied in knowing that finding safe people will never happen for me. I am safest in keeping my own company, and I can spend my final years in peace.
💔
Thank you Tim, I’ve had so so many dysfunctional relationships due to family dysfunctional programming
I think it's important in any discussion of this topic to point out that 1) *Close relationships are actually NOT required for MUCH of the healing that can help us feel WAY better.* 🌿😃🌿
2) Since many of us were subconsciously programmed that we're not ALLOWED to like, validate, or care for ourselves (etc.) the way a healthy parent, friend, or partner would, consciously taking back that power can be healing whether we're in relationships or not. 💪😀💖
3) Feeling fearful of or permanently done with relationships is a *common* and *UNDERSTANDABLE* response when interpersonal harm was the source of our wounds!
4) There are MANY factors that can help or hinder forming new relationships that have nothing to do with personal effort (limited time due to work or family commitments, needing to prioritize processing active stressors like transitions, job loss, grief...). It's OKAY to honor your own pace and not judge yourself based on others' opinions or timelines.
5) It's a totally legitimate and even WISE choice sometimes to NOT pursue relationships until we've built up our coping toolbox and feel less triggered by others.
6) Doing healing work is worthwhile in itself (full stop!). AND it often has the side benefit of making us feel more resilient and safe in social interactions. Win-win! 🤩
7) Support groups are a great place to meet people with lived understanding of cPTSD who may also share our commitment to healing (ACA, Al-Anon, AA, CHADD, etc.). *Whether you become friends with anyone through a support group or not, fellow members can provide the validation, listening, acceptance, respect, caring, etc. that make relationships healing.*
8) Finding groups and activities *you're interested in anyway* that meet regularly with the same people (key feature) is a great way to *naturally* meet new people without feeling artificial or desperate. Chatting before, during, or after the activity is a lower-stakes way to get to know people a bit, and if it doesn't lead to outside activities or friendship, you've still pursued something you were interested in! 😃
9) The following helped supercharge my healing, and the fact that my social anxiety also melted away was a welcome bonus!
- Books and videos about toxic family systems that helped me understand *it wasn't my fault* (and it wasn't yours either! ❤)
- Nervous system regulating techniques
- Journaling
- Learning about Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN)
- Using feelings charts to identify and check in with my feelings
- Embracing the wisdom in "shadow" emotions like anger (boundaries crossed), resentment (need to enforce boundaries/prioritize self more), and envy (unfulfilled dreams that might be possible now : - )
- CBT/DBT techniques
- Identifying and reframing negative Core Beliefs learned in childhood
- Asking what I like and admire about other people and noticing how I have some of those same qualities
- Keeping a journal of evidence that contradicts negative beliefs and reviewing it often
- Learning that boundaries are what WE do, and practicing enforcing them (first in small ways with safer people)
- Inner child work (so helpful!!!)
- Noticing what I'm doing *right*
- Being a good friend to mySELF < : - )
- Finding things I'm good at---even small things---and doing them regularly (success is a vitamin!)
- Consciously prioritizing fun, play, and laughter when things feel difficult
- Learning my own love languages and lavishing myself with kindness, support, and approval
I NEVER would have imagined when I was young---or even most of my adult life---that I could feel so much better and actually LIKE myself. And that happened *before* I felt comfortable risking relationships again. 🙃😀
Good wishes to everyone on this healing journey! Never forget there are GOOD people out there who'd feel LUCKY to love and be loved by you!
🌈🌿😃🤓😻🍀💖
Thank you for being kind and sharing this with us.
@@amaanat. It made me feel so good that you said that! 💖Thank you! 😀
Thank you for taking the time writing this out, it's so helpful and encouraging and makes a difference ❤
@@Miss-Hellcat666 Thank you so much for saying that! < : - ) 😻❤
This is such a fantastic comment with a lot of wisdom ❤
Ideally those safe people are open to be educated in complex trauma so they can accommodate oneself
I kinda gave up on finding safe people. My mom is a psychopath and I had a childhood with a lot of abuse. Two partners who both cheated. I’m an introvert, more by design than nature I think. I find a lot of satisfaction in my hobbies and interests and my dogs. I feel safer this way. I like having surface chats with fellow dog walkers and neighbours, but that’s enough for me. The pain I’ve been through is nothing I want to experience again. I’m over half way through my life and my priority in this area is to feel peace and safety.
I honestly think that you are the only person that I have ever heard break down things so well. What a blessing🙏
Thank you Tim Fletcher. I have watched probably about fifty to a hundred of your videos. Sometimes I am surprised at how much you are aware of and brave enough to explicitly explain, and warn us about. I am conforted by your understandings and explainations and think you are like an excellent parent. I love the Christian components too. May God please bless you and your work.
I have never found that close, safe person. Mostly just surface level. Most people don’t know how to accept, hold space, be non-judgemental.They should teach communication and ‘how to be a good person’ in schools.
Yes ❤
I have one, and I don't know what I'd have done without them. I have so much I'm dealing with in terms of health and so on. I wouldn't have made it.
I've had trouble with this. It seems like I see red flags in people. I have a lot of workplace examples, which may not be the place at all to find safe people. I meet supervisors and colleagues that appear kind and caring, but then I witness them gossip about others who aren't in the room. I figure, if they gossip about others, they're probably gossiping about me when I'm not in the room.
i appreciate this short explanation of how seemingly normal things are supposed to work.
It took me 40+ years to get some friends, but at the end all of them appeared to be assholes. I just don't feel like I have enough time (and desire) to repeat that again, especially after having this experience.
Sorry you had a similar experience. In 50yrs I’ve known only 2 safe people. Through relationships, businesses, properties … All of that. I’ve chosen hermit with dogs. It’s safer. I’ve found it impossible to vet people because they lie so well and many can do it for months. Then when the real person emerges, it’s wild.
I get it. I've gone from my toxic family to one group, then another. I remember my first experience being dropped off at a daycare and hiding all day in a playground barrel crying. I was inconsolable. It really didn't ever get any better. I just got better at hiding how I felt around other people until I be ame so attention starved and needy, I turned into an obnoxious clown and a people pleaser.
Blessings from Sweden 🇸🇪
Hei ! hilsner fra Bornholm ;)
This is difficult. CPTSD, 74 years old, introverted, and ok with being alone mostly. Which is good, since it's real.
Good tips. Thanks.
Thank you for confirming that it wasn’t my fault when I went to get help and they made it worse because it wasn’t help at all.
This was on my mind the other day, differentiating between relationships and bonding via community and safe space & place to share one’s insight/experiences.
You listened to us!!! Thank you.
Forget about community, if you find one fellow person with whom you will be able to establish meaningful connection with - you are a JACKPOT winner. It’s almost impossible, the expectations people have are impossible to fulfilled. Even if you are genuine, loyal you might do something stupid due to being lonely for too long which can mess up a person, and nobody will give you a second chance because of a petty mistake, misunderstanding. People expect you to be perfect, no mercy, no time for dealing with slightest flaw. And it’s also like the enemy, some invisible forces are planting seeds of confusion, doubts in people’s minds, so we are unable to connect.
Thank you so much for covering this with more detail.
Really appreciated this video, Tim… thank you! I can attest that once I started trauma processing and healing, I realized that most of my (previous) fellowship and friendships were not very healthy. SUCH a sobering reality - esp as I was in the thick of emotional heaviness and discovery. Nonetheless, I realized I just had to sit there & wait (ugh…not easy) in the void. I did it though; got through all the emotions of emptiness and impatience - and I’m happy to say that within 6-9mos., our children were able to key into some solid friendships through our youth group… which has even expanded some adult fellowship for my husband and I. Long wait - but worth it… the Lord does provide🙏🏼
Up until recently, I had faith in my fellow man. Now that I have been betrayed by every single person in my life including my brothers, my sister's, my wives, my best friends, I no longer have faith that any person is a decent person. This is very sad for me and I'm not sure exactly how to deal with it.
I want to make sure that I can be a safe person for others. I don't think I can handle disappointing good people again. Unfortunately it feels like, sometimes it can feel like, sometimes I'm afraid that I might never allow myself the chance to try and instead will be constantly trying to improve.
You see that correction I did? That's good I'm proud of myself for that and I left it in.
I can relate. There have been people who have wanted to go to the next level with me, but I didn't think I had the capacity to do it. I believe I ended up hurting them by keeping my wall up.
The only soulmate I've ever had was a cat. Seriously.
Thank you so very much!
I’m wondering to the WHERE to meet these people?
Agree to the content,but WHERE ARE THEY AT?
I want to know this too 😅
Maybe at some activity that you like. Or at work or walking your dog?
Very helpful video. Thank you.
I said to a woman earlier this morning that the world should be better, people should respect 1 another and be caring towards others. She replied: "that is too much to ask"
Wow. At least she revealed her true identity right off the bat.
@@SlavicGirl. God revealed also smb else's true face, an old friend and neighbour of mine (20years all childhood and teenage years we were friends), when i was in Chania homeless 2019-2021 she didn't give me some water or bread (she is super ultra rich owns estates etc...) i saw on Linkedin she is in "Charity" "international Aid organisations"(money laundry, politics and avoid taxes...). Yeah sure she didn't give a glass of water to a friend she grew up with but cares about people abroad in poverty.. such hypoctites🤮😤😰
@@Virginie-a yes, some people are full of 💩
Thank you. God bless you!
I’ve been through the process of looking for safe people but I realize there is no such thing as safe people. You just always have to remember not to let people know too much about you that’s how you get around unsafe people.
Thank you! I really appreciate you sharing all your knowledge…
Recently I've realized that I don't have a single person with a secure attachment in my life. Everyone I know is avoidant. I've come to terms with having no contact for weeks or sometimes months and sending each other YT shorts now and then to stay in touch. I feel lonely dispite having friends. I don't want to accept relationships to their terms anymore. I respect their boundaries and know that this means that I wouldn't dare to call them at night if I had an emergency. Or that they wouldn't go through the fire for me. There is always a distance.
They feel save with no contact and not having to do anything outside their emotional comfort zone or to even sacrifice anything. I feel lonely and disconnected and as if I'm unimportant. I don't want this anymore.
Are you avoidant as well?
I am so thankful to you Tim. I have been doing exactly what you speak of as healthy for friendship and felt I was somehow dysfunctional for vetting people. I grew up with almost no boundaries, so having them seems off to people who don’t.
I had to fire a therapist because i could sense her judgment and disapproval like a smack in the face. Not safe. I was very respectful in my approach but she got defensive and annoyed. She later sent me a letter through the mail telling me i could no longer make appointments with her 😳. I currently have a very therapeutic therapist, thank God.
Good that you didnt let that stop you ⭐️
Would need to get tons of acquaintances then from somewhere. Any ideas where?
Church, coffee shop, book club, animal shelter, or anywhere you start to frequent regularly. Follow your interests and values and you are more likely to find the people you can be friends with, but it is a slow process. I am still working on a couple of acquaitances/friends. We are somewhere in the middle, I think. Frustrating, but worth it if I can get at least one good friend from my efforts.
Find an activity you enjoy or go to learn something new like cooking 😂...learn how to dance..or voluntary jobs with assotiations that helps poor people.
A place where you can find someone with common interests and values.
The problem is powerful people don't want people making communities and while we seem to be very connected with our cell phones, we are becoming more alienated. I hardly ever see people talking. I see people together each with a cell phone. It's ridiculous.
What do you enjoy? Follow your desires & then you’ll find people who also like… dancing, yoga, butterfly planting
@@jefferyalpha803 im right there too Jeffery . God speed
Good information sir👍🏼
In theory, however in real life, with people being judgmental, easier said than done.
Any pointers on how to overcome bias or stigma?
Thank you so much 🙏
If you are older/seasoned - going through 10-20 friendship attempts can be dangerous to your mental health. Trust in God and let Him send Spiritual God-fearing people to you. Learn to look and listen to the God in people. This might be your tribe.
Yes❤ and also exhausting... I feel like it's a waste of time trying to force it on my own. So I've let go, and let God😅 I haven't happenstanced a friend yet, but it feels like they're near. Take care❤
Unfortunately, not even God-fearing people are a safe haven as I have learned in my church. They need to *LOVE JESUS* , then they have the right tool for healthy relationships.
this is extremely helpful because i’m finding resources & real life technique to help forming friendship connection thx a lot !
First like, then respect, also trust, finally love ♥️ no sex just friendship till soulmate
im in my fifties, there’s not much time remaining so why bother, Life for me was more than 95 percent the slow process you mentioned but at the end nothing was worth keeping.
We are alone if you think about on a realistic level, you have friends for work for convenience for obligations or family bond, and whatever else you can think of, true camaraderie is out there but not easy to find, none are guaranteed to be genuine or forever. I think it Really depends on vetting healthy people to be connected for the long game, values vary widely,and expectations aren’t met or reciprocated.
I don’t see that (deep trustworthy friendship)happening to many out there so these political affiliations may seem like the way many are using to connect but not always ending up good either.
Thank you so much for this!! Can this be taught to children?
Thank you so much for explaining the levels and how it works, how long it can take... I have to learn it intelectually, cause my feelings are a bit messed up, and bring some chaos while I am interacting with other people. 🙏
Thank you for this.
This is totally awesome!
meeting 15 people a year. good one! :D
Indeed!
Thanks Tim
I'm finding this process to be quit costly as I am desperate for connections and delay putting up boundaries till I've been hurt again.
Try connecting to yourself first via meditation, inner child work
This feels like more work than I can cope with right now. I think I'd rather be alone 😅
I am sick and handicapped and I don't have enough energy/money to go through this process, do you have resources that can help me mourning over "having friends" and make peace with being alone in life?
You are talking about boundaries here
I have a question.
For a trauma person, what is considered 'safe'? Because safety for an individual with different growing up experience is vastly different. Is 'safety' based on personal experience or it has a set of rules to follow?
Some people find safer to open themselves up to strangers and some do not and this action may come from a place of trauma. Or certain people that exhibit certain characteristics that attract others to be open to them and some do not find them safe to open up to. Why?
This is great advice when dealing with functional people with empathy. I wonder what you’d advise for sociopathic types? Is there even a way of ascertaining who these people are at the outset? My experience has been trying to vet people gradually as you describe only to find, months later, that they were subtlely using me the entire time or wheedling their way into my life to abuse, cheat, steal, take over and all the other crap sociopathic types do. All while appearing normal, considerate, friendly & decent. How do you see the trap before it snaps shut?
Dogs are so much better than people.
And/or cats too.
@@annajacob7981 Yes! 😺❤️😺
Videos like this, though well meaning, make everything feel so hopeless. What happens when you do find the proverbial needle in the haystack.. just to realize it wants nothing to do with you..
Already not the needle in that they shouldn’t have advanced past step one or two, wanting these people is still active trauma sign
I don't know if I'm finding people with cptsd and we trigger each other or they all are covert narcissits. It's hard to know it because the triggering or the paranoia, mistrust, etc, happens very quick.
I don't know what to think.
Doubt & fear tends to attract the same insecurity so try things you feel safe as well as comfortable doing & enjoy
@@caroleminke6116
Thanks.
The world HAS turned upside down. I feel like a lot of people have grown stone-cold and hardened hearts (as is predicted in the Bible), which certainly wasn't the case when I was younger.
Interesting question, as a member of the LGBTQ+ community this becomes much harder to answer, especially when we take into consideration the reality of trauma!
I listen to a lot of "developing healthy relationships for complex PTSD" advice. It always assumes extroversion. Meaning, words are used like "you meet someone and....[insert advice here]". There is an unfortunate assumption that there is a means for meeting people. That is an unfortunate assumption.
Follow your desires & as you do things you enjoy your pleasure will attract others like you ♥️
@@caroleminke6116 you mean ducks, crows, stray cats and hedgehogs? that's the only"people" I meet while gardening and that's more than when I am reading (my other big passion) because it's mostly flies / mosquitoes I encounter while reading in summer, in winter there is nothing else but dust !!
Oh look what I’m never gonna have while it being told to me is a requirement to heal my CPTSD
Why isn’t this taught in school?!???
Please can you explain what does it mean that healthy groups often do not "get" complex trauma people ann can harm them unwillingly
I've been doing this all wrong. No wonder!
So if I cant find safe people, I cant start to heal my complex trauma? Its like I am supposed to pass the exam without learning anything first. The chances of failing is so much bigger than success. I cant trust my instincts on whether they are safe or not, because trauma are messing up these. So if I dont heal first, I will never find healty people!?
If you are a safe person yourself and believe in Love ❤God brings them to you 😊
Try to sift through 20 people per year? That's a tall order for introverts!
This formula is a narcissists worst nightmare! They want to rush the hell out of you to be soul mates immediately!
I don’t think soul mates (by this definition - someone we can share everything with) are a real thing. That would be a parent in early childhood, and if we miss out on that we can carry that need/wish through to adulthood. But adults don’t share everything with anyone - even a romantic partner shouldn’t have full access to our inner worlds.
This is very good, also maintain cordiality if the dynamics change. For example, my longtime girlfriend and I recently broke up. Although it's been difficult we've agreed we can still be cousins. Ha ha, just kidding! Good luck everybody : )
Dilan was right there the entire time !! As his brother made the story up !! They all knew !! How come you didn't?!
Go away psycho!
Go away psycho!
What if I recognize that *I'm not safe either* ?
Answer: nowhere.
This video does not answer the question posed in the title.
It does not take a year! If I knew 10 people? Come on man. I don't know 10 people! I know 3 people. That's it!
Hernandez Jennifer Lewis Sarah Jones Ruth
But isn’t it naive to say to us that we should check for issues? Everyone has an ego, everyone has protective mechanisms. Those things will eventually come out, whether in 3 months or 3 years. How can we really know someone within a few meetings- if they are safe, what their ego is like, what their protective mechanisms are like- when even several years is not enough time?
Who in the world is suppostuly doing a quote on quote investigation ! Trying to get me to say something also !!
Go away psycho!
If you would of listened !! Instead of coming here telling me what happened !! You would not be in this situation now would you ??
Go away psycho!
Why are there a half dozen commercials for a 10 minute video. I'm finding youtube and the internet in general more and more boring. I can live without it.
You are done !! And you going to be answering for the last quote on quote investigation you did here for the past 4 years !! With a story that makes no damn sense at all !!
Go away psycho!
The story was he worked for years and years and years and years and he never even had a job !!! What the hell you investigating??????
Go away psycho!
So what in the world are you investigating?? Go find out how this woman stole my information ! And what was the reason behind her calling this men after she knew what they done !!
Go away psycho!
And then don't come here with your nonsense! Now all the time is oh it's the gifts !!! No that's the story he said !! He made it up in front me !! And no he never worked !! So what the hell you investigating!???????
Go away psycho!
Is a safe person a “nice person” who’s only nice bc they’re fake and setting you up to use you? Or a “rigid person” who’s “rigid” because they’ve recovered and knows what works and what doesn’t and lives by sound spiritual principles? Asking for a friend 👍. We all know which type everyone chooses. I think they chose wrong purposefully so they can avoid taking responsibility and keep playing the victim. Victims ARE the narcissist they claim everyone else is.