💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
Sh** let me tell you all about my abandonment: My dad went to prison when I was 6, and I never saw him again. I tried! He didn’t show up! My mom completely abandoned me at 17 even though I was a good kid. She couldn’t get herself together enough to even be a mother. Had to sleep on the floor of a friend’s bedroom all year to finish high school. Then, enter bad relationships…. Lots of pain and suffering. I am working on learning from it all so I can heal. -Best wishes to all
I'm so sorry for your struggles. As my now deceased partner used to say, "sounds like you were rode hard, and put away wet." I sure do miss that man. And, that's the thing.....if they don't leave you one way, then they DIE on you. Only our Heavenly Father will "NEVER LEAVE OR FORSAKE US." I know this to be true, and that knowledge "comforts my heart," but I still miss my Jerry. Hope you find some healing; don't give up hope. ❤🩹
I don't even need to see what the signs are to know I have all 40. Abandonment issues crippled my life, and its extremely difficult to change this mindset. I don't know if i ever will.
Hang in there! It does get better, even without the kind of help Tim is giving us. You see other people with the same issues and reflect on it, but having this information and a sympathetic community can help you accept yourself, which I think is the first step.
I had the very same issues. I attracted narcissistic women one after another and would go into severe feelings of terror at perceived abandonment. I did everything I could to heal this and the only advice I can give is that somatic therapy helped me tremendously and learning to gradually love myself and accept myself. Still a work in progress.
i believe in your capacity to heal. it is a very triggering and slow process, but your development will begin to show in flashes. after realizing your wounds, the next step often if realizing your behaviors. it can trigger shame, anger, disgust, fear. it feels like you're going backwards. but often it's evidence of moving forward. you really can, and probably will, grow stronger and more stable with these things
Hello, can you please also focus on the solutions for us complex trauma survivors? The problems are the past, the solutions the future and healing part. Thank you for making these videos. But it is necessary to focus on the healing part. I hope you can do that more... We need that. Thanks 😊
Jesus has been the most important part of my healing. Once you have Jesus, you know what's good and bad. I still get flashbacks and have my dysregulated and grumpy moments (lots of them), but I can go to Jesus and ask Him to take it away or help me deal with it. The Holy Spirit is my antenna. God made us in His image. Once you have Jesus, you intuitively know what to look for, and you can't go back.
I agree. The feelings of worthlessness, reinforced by so many nice people driven away by this problematic behavior can lead down the merry path to suicidal ideation.
The mantra "How is this affecting my body" at each step of this list / process can re-center on healing, helping us move toward healing and away from sabotage.
@ Reading books for more than 30 years, two good therapists and a lot of luck. Good luck to you. Please trust the process and have faith that you will get there.
No, it’s because we will attract avoidant people in attempt for us both to play out unconscious childhood issues, and once we get into this unconscious pattern and both of us get triggered then it’s just the same narrative. If you are with somebody having attachment issues, both of you must be aware. It is hard to find healthy partners, and you must be aware of this and really cultivate emotional health within yourself and develop authenticity with values. Do not be superficial about relationship,
BINGO!!! I agree.....give this lady a "gold star." My very best friend after 30 years just abandoned me last year for 2nd time. The first time, we parted ways for 3 years, and every year on her birthday, I reached out to her. We finally reconnected, and I thought we were over whatever "our issues" were, and then she does it again!!! This time, I am NOT CHASING HER DOWN. I love her dearly, and miss our friendship, but I finally realized......as you so wisely have stated.....she is "avoidant attachment," and I have been "anxious attachment," and so ONLY WAY we would come together again is IF......and it's a BIG IF.....she realized her part in our drama, and was willing to openly communicate in order to heal and grow together. She is an avoidant, and she will run if I reach out again......I am just trying to give her time and space, so she might seek me out on her own. I have my issues, but I am also an "OPEN BOOK." Not perfect, but more than willing to communicate, and work through any issues; she on other hand, gets scared, and SHUTS DOWN. Anyway, I have DECIDED that how she handled things was not only hurtful, but RUDE AS HELL NO MATTER WHAT I SUPPOSEDLY DID TO INCUR HER WRATH. So....that's my story....I will NOT ALLOW this woman to hurt me this way again. I forgive her, but time to move on to "safer relationships."
Looking at past relationships and my different ages/stages, healing and retraumatization, and currently 5 years single and healing... I see many of these but at different times. After a few years when I started noticing patterns I would try to change the pattern but then I would pendulum the extreme other way. And so on and so forth. I've just started dating somebody I have known for many years, I think I will journal throughout this experience to help me be aware of my thoughts and actions. I'm seeing things already but I'm catching them quickly. All these emotions are scary and difficult but worth it I hope.
It's not a fear of abandonment, its a reliable forecast. All relationships doomed to end somehow someday, most of the time not because of death. There are people that are OK with it, oh well, that's life, it doesn't really affect me or ruin anything for me. Others get very emotionally invested in intimate deep relationships and therefore very sensitive and concerned about how it will end. Makes perfect sense! Those people have depths and loyalty that the other "healthier" group of people don't have and won't able to offer, and it comes with a cost. Many times, as you said, those people will come to the conclusion that they had enough of those emotional Rollercoasters, and therefore they decide to put themselves first and avoid getting into those adventures from first place. What's wrong with that? Makes perfect sense to me.
very often a relationship according to the rules of the person with mentioned issues very often turns out to not be accepted. Could also be understood as that the other side doesn't accept the partner as is. Funny how it is seen as issues from the get go and not as you mentioned the logical consequence.
This is my now ex. I loved him so much. With every fiber of my soul. However due to his abandonment wounds I had to save myself. I was killing myself staying there and in that turmoil. Nothing I ever did was hood enough. It was a bottomless cup. He was 28 when I met him and I was 37. I don't have to waste. I gave him two years. After that I said I had to go, if not just so he could learn from losing me. I was delaying his healing by staying. I love him still and pray for his recovery and healing. He had a very good heart. His family was to blame. They really did a number on him and his siblings. May God bless you all into the light of your healing just like I hope his will be blessed as well.
It's okay; we are all in this mess together. But, look at the bright side....becoming AWARE is the FIRST STEP TO HEALING!!! You're on the right road. You can't heal what you don't know is wrong. Those who are REALLY SICK, don't even know they are sick. 🙄
Oh that was so me in my teens and first marriage. I knew I was driving guys away, but now I think I must have been really scary to some of them, kind of obsessed. Even happily married in my 30s, I had nightmares of a big fight with me storming out the door. Those are rare now, thank heavens, but there are three or four items I still do when stressed.
Yeah, abandonment issues spells out my list of challenges. I wonder if this is a cycle, where abandoned children grow up to abandon their children, and so on
When I discovered how to use boundaries appropriately, I realized I was conflicting myself by not acting as I valued myself, which is what I decided, and I was making decisions based on this if I didn’t realize I would’ve perpetuated the same outcome, which would’ve led to the same narrative and ultimately affected the way I perceived and behaved in the world. If I didn’t realize every decision I made would’ve reinforced this untrue loop of crap. I learned the hard way, but I wasn’t about to do it again because Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Also change is a measure of intelligence. I decided I was smart so I was going to act accordingly, but I am not perfect.
I knew before I got abandoned by my last relationship that I was lying to myself and buying tickets to a show. I knew that I should’ve left after the first date with the indicators I saw because I knew this person was not capable of a healthy relationship relationship. I didn’t listen to my intuition, which was screaming every single day because there was a superficial connection that was disguised in depth, and I knew something was off. If I had listened to myself which I knew I should’ve then I would’ve avoided the whole thing to start out with. It doesn’t matter that I wanted this person to be a good partner. It’s the expectation that was the disappointment because I formed a story in my head. we can be disappointed things don’t play out, but I can’t force an outcome upon somebody. I can only force how I respond to the situation because my only control is within my reaction. And I have to choose, this is what I have gathered. I am self-sufficient, I am strong, and I am worthy of love. I will not betray myself, and I will take good care of myself and look in words at what I’m looking for externally to meet my needs. Nothing in the external world can meet a need. I cannot meet internally, and if I keep trying, this will perpetuate the lies and delusion. I choose to heal, I choose to live, I choose to be alive.
I LOVE listening to you. You are "very wise." And, I agree with EVERYTHING you say......I am of the same mindset these days. I think a LOT of it has to do with the world we are living in right now also. Most people have grown SO SHALLOW. It's hard to find "real people" locally I have found, although, I am in a new community from a 2 hour move away, and know virtually no one. I have one dear friend left now, who lives out of state. I live alone....pretty much have no one, but with The Almighty Creator, I will survive.....He's brought me this far. I don't like the way things are, but they just are. You're right; we have to BE STRONG!!!
Is it typical for 2 with abandonment wounds connect. Based off childhood trauma, one could be empath and the other narcissist (covert typically). I lived in this fear forever, but I will say I had 99.99 intact instinct. Little by little the truths came to light (lies always resurface).
This very interesting I have some of them definitely. I used to have all but now I feel some of the are gone and others are disappearing. This change happened I think after my mom passed away. In many ways that’s the ultimate abandonment. And I got through that, not fully yet, but I’m not a broken mess. I think I realised that even if or when the worst happens. I’m strong enough to handle it
When i was a little girl i had pneumonia .my mum and auntie could only stand outside .when they left i cried all night.going forward 45 yrs later .again in hospital. My sisters came to visit me.when they left i cried again.when myself and my sisters go on holiday they had to leave earlier than me .i was upset again.its just that abandonment feeling .just wondered if im been silly for feeling that way.thankyou
No you are not being silly . It's the old abandonment wound which has been triggered. I understand it as I had the same wound as a child left alone in the hospital.
It's that empty feeling--like the sun setting, and nothing to replace it. People who have never experienced that never know what true loneliness is. You can come to terms with it and have a healthy, happy relationship, but always wonder how you will respond when the tide has gone out and once again you're all alone with no prospects.
I've only had one Marriage, my first, one and only ex Husband, no one else, and he abandoned me and his little Son, decades ago. I survived. I have no abandonment issues. I know my worth. I do not lower my standards, my integrity, self respect, values, for anybody.
I started listening to this video as I thought I had these issues... only to realize that the characteristics or behavior talked of were actually possessed/displayed by the other person (and not me)😂
Likely there will be a very small amount of people that will watch this who do not have these issues. But for those who may see this comment who have never experianced these issues: we are constantly aware of daing all of these things. We are also very aware of how it impacts the relationship. And we feel powerless to change, and we think it's all our fault. Some of us will change, and sometimes the relationship can become so healthy. Other times not. It is unfortunately up to you to maintain, or not.
I wonder why I would have abandonment issues when I experienced consistent abandonment. This time I am with myself, I don’t abandon myself, and I have myself, I know myself and have picked up the pieces of fragments and switched locus of control through auto psychotherapy. Dombrowski and JUNG, but this extended into philosophy, evolutionary, psychology, spirituality, comparative mythology, etc..
Me, too. Now I do. I only have 2 close friends, but have known them for many years. I have to say, though, I do agree with everything said in this video except one thing. When he says, "we avoid new relationships at all cost." Partly, I think that is somewhat healthy.....I wouldn't say I am completely opposed to a new friendship or whatever, if the right thing came along. But, I have learned the HARD WAY too often with men and women over the years, I have often "jumped in with both feet" NOT even cautiously to see if who this new person in my life is actually is a "safe person" to be with. So, I think that actually is a sign of healing. I am at the point in my life where I am NOT "so desperate" for many friends, and having a man always in my arms. I am NOT isolating just out of fear or past trauma....it's just that, first of all, it's harder to make new friends as you get older anyway, and if a new person comes around....I AM now going to "take my time," and get to know them FIRST. NOT EVERYONE is a "safe person," and I CHOOSE NOW to ONLY spend my time with those who are "loyal" and WON'T JUMP SHIP at the first sign of trouble. You can't always prevent abandonment, but jeepers.....let's just say, I am choosing my friends more wisely these days. I am ALWAYS open to a new relationship, but it MUST BE A SAFE ONE. Most of the people who have abandoned me in my life were "fair weather friends"....I can see that now; with age comes WISDOM.
This video is a confirmation of many things I struggled with in my relationships in the past. My healing is in progress so I do see that I have lingering behaviors similar to the signs in this video. I don't have memories of abandonment, I would benefit from examples 🙏🏽
A mother almost dying when you are 2 years old; in and out of hospitals. Your family "turning against you," a divorce.....your husband of 32 years decides he wants someone else, friends "kicking you to the curb" after MANY YEARS without any recourse; ghosting you.....just "slamming the door in your face." Family not speaking to you for 5 years because your beliefs conflict with theirs....on and on the list goes. Have you had people in your life just "kick you to the curb" for no reason, abruptly? It hurts, I tell you......
Hi Tim have you explored the term schizoid personality and do you have any ide on how to mend the inner split between the mind and the body, between the thaughts and the feelings, and what probably are the root cause of abandonment issues?
My ex-boyfriend and I both have abandonment issues He totally got jealous one night and broke up with me I think he did it so he could be the one that wasn’t being abandoned !! When we broke up, he had to constantly search for another relationship because he didn’t want to be alone The abandonment just about killed me for 3 months He constantly had to talk to other people when we were out to be the center of attention or talked to several women on his phone to get validation Oh my God now I get it. I was talking to someone from my past one night when we were out and he got really angry and said why didnt you tell me you didn’t wanna be with me when that wasn’t the case at all but he probably thought I was going to start a relationship with my ex-boyfriend when that wasn’t even true . I hadn’t seen that person for a year and a half.! After all that fight, he told me I should be with my ex-boyfriend which I didn’t understand, but I get it now And he is the one that had affairs on his wife for years when he was traveling for work! Makes so much sense Talk about no boundaries he thought he could do whatever he wanted and with no repercussions !!!
Ugh, this is me, the reason I stayed with a man so very clearly below me. The thing is that it is almost all because of the continuing trauma of our relationship in addition to the medical trauma, sexual abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse, and countless other tragic events. I was apparently attracted to my husband BECAUSE he was sick, just like my uncle, father, and cousin's. Another sick pervert, like essentially all men. It makes me sick to realize that I have just wasted my life trying to get all my balls in order, to fit in and be successful. I have had to kill myself, destroy my hopes and dreams. All for nothing. Great job.
Fear of abandonment is my worst fear since childhood, I come from a broken family. I have most of these traits except that I don't have a jealous bone in my body, and that I don't tolerate disrespect and abuse. Also, I'm not a crowd pleaser and I don't seek validation - my misanthropy level is quite high, I'm often condescending and don't care of what other people think (it is of course a lie). Also, I always set a million of boundaries as a shield. Most people find me intimidating and stay away from me, I'm a grumpy lone wolf and it makes me feel secure. My fear of being betrayed and hurt is so high that I always wear a psychological shield and sword. Think of Simon & Garfunkel's "I am a rock" Song.
Well, I certainly understand your fear and pain; been there, and done that. But as someone once said, "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." And, I've heard it said that "every relationship has an expiration date." I never heard that until recently, and find it an interesting truth. For me, that's been hard because I am such a LOYAL...."death do us part" kind of friend/lover, but sadly I think that's just in the movies. I am learning to accept this idea that not every relationship is meant to last that long......some, are only for a season. Learn to just "be in the moment and enjoy the moment." Funny, my life has been like that anyway by no choice of my own. I still get triggered at times because of my abandonment trauma from childhood, but working on it. Why don't you keep your sword at your side, and only whip it out when you have to; not everyone is out to hurt you. Right?
I want mutual connection and I want the person to appreciate me as a unique individual, what qualities that I know I bring do they also appreciate and what do I appreciate in them. I am coming from a full cup, where I want to take ownership for my issues. I want to form legitimate connection with trust and intimacy, I don’t want to have a superficial relationship based on Superficial things, I want a deep and loving connection, regardless of the relationship. Where the person can speak up for their needs. Should they no longer be happy instead of abruptly leaving. This means I need to become the partner I want to be and make better choices with my partner selection, I need to see if they’ve done introspection because I’m not going to play this game again
There are some of us who wake up each day to unrelenting shame, a certainty that we’re barely tolerated and smell of unwanted debris. It’s so ironic, then, that our need for intimacy demands such a high level of security! I know that the whole time I’d spend people-pleasing, I’d never think there’s any way at all that I was doing it for myself! 🤯
You know what? All that time, you thought you were looking for "intimacy," when what you really were after was VALIDATION!!! I spent my entire life seeking after others, thinking I was looking for love, but what I really wanted was someone to tell me "I WAS OKAY; I WAS ACCEPTABLE; I HAD A RIGHT TO BREATHE THE SAME OXYGEN AS EVERYONE ELSE." But, the truth is, the ONLY PERSON WHO CAN RIGHTFULLY VALIDATE A PERSON IS ALMIGHTY CREATOR ABOVE. Once you can "fall in love with yourself".....so to speak, then the truth is, it doesn't matter if anyone else loves you, you can stand on your own. We are taught in childhood that "we aren't good enough unless mommy or daddy or our brothers and sisters love us".....whatever....but, that's NOT TRUE!!! WE MATTER BECAUSE WE ALSO WERE GIVEN LIFE. I used to LOATHE being ALONE......like I was some sort of "empty shell".....with no meaning or substance without another person "filling me up." Sadly, most of us feel this way.....deep down, that's the reality of this world. Learn to let the Almighty fill you, and VALIDATE yourself......then "your light will shine," and you will automatically draw people to you in a "healthy way." But, even if they don't come....you won't crumble.....YOU WILL STAND ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET. Love, prayers and healing to you!!! ❤🩹
@@commonsenselucy5697 I just love your comment for two reasons: 1) your comment is about the same length as mine! 😂 People seldom take time to read something I write if it says “more” at the end of the first few lines. 😏 2) Your Godly reply was exactly what I needed from a sister in Christ! Full of wisdom and genuine truth that I hadn’t expected - and really needed. What a blessing your words are! If you have a blog, I’d enjoy taking a look at it. If not…I think you might want to consider it. Right now, people are on their way to an eternity of suffering in hell because they don’t feel or believe they are invisible to the world. We need more Believers to tell them about their Creator’s love for them, and I think you could do just that - because I also believe you act on Holy Spirit’s voice. Let your light shine, Girl! Blessings to you and again, thank you!
If you are a grown up, you can not be abandoned. Other grown ups and relationship with them can only trigger your issues, but it's on you to resolve them
That’s placing a lot of responsibility onto someone….does she know this? Did u ever share these fears with her and give her the opportunity to possibly change what she’s doing to make u feel that way? Did u share any info with her to help her understand ur needs?
You really are doing "god's" work. Thank you. ^_^ Lately especially your videos have been resonating very hard and triggering realizations that are invaluable to my spiritual and healing journey, truly an integral part of it. I try to share your stuff as much as possible because this is so important for humanity, particularly right now. Much love, as always.
These videos need more practical advice. I’ve watched so many but it’s more rhetoric and conceptual development than it is actual tools and practical advice. Please help, I am poor and broken. Thank you
Certain ones will stand out more than others for people. Some people will have only a few but they could be quite severe while others may have many. So it doesn't have to be a specific number, these are characteristics behaviors thought patterns of people who have been abandoned early in life and that loss has gone on to affect the relationships throughout their life. Becoming aware of some of these behaviors actions thoughts patterns can help us to change them, heal, and explain where the heck they're coming from…
It's good; you really should watch it when you have time. I identified with MOST of it. He really didn't offer solutions, but I think the first step to healing is being "made aware" of what the problem is anyway. I watch videos like this for diagnosis, and because I am a spiritual person, I ask my Heavenly Father in prayer for healing in such matters. That has always worked for me. I pray you get the healing you need.
There are a variety of attachment issues that can stem from childhood abandonment wound, including avoidant, insecure, and anxious. I think you’re grouping everything into one and failing to really account for all the differences. and out of all the videos, I’ve commented I have not seen one response, this tells me that you might be getting triggered. And if so, and it’s not acknowledged then we are just the blind leading the blind now. And I’ve also noticed that proclivity towards negativity and really making that place of despondency the narrative for most people. You failed to tell people that there’s hope and how to change you. Just want to tell people how screwed up they are it seems I’d really appreciate if you include the change and resources -instead of allowing people to become perpetual victims. I can say this as a victim. But why do we want to sit here and waive the victim flag. At this point if we do so continually then we are just victims of ourselves and our poor decisions.
Hallelujah!!!! The daily Jesus devotional has been a big part of my transformation, God is good. I had a $47,000 loan from the bank for my son's (Oscar) brain surgery. I am now debt free after I invested $8,000 and got my payment of $50,500 each 28Days. God bless Kate Elizabeth Becherer
Hello, how do you achieve such biweekly returns? As a single parent i haven't been able to get my own house due to financial struggles, but my faith in God remains strong.
Yes, I wonder how much abandonment might play into someone becoming a covert narc. Some of these people (I raise my hand shyly) will also have learned manipulative tactics from the covert narc that did this to them, as a matter of survival.
💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.
Sh** let me tell you all about my abandonment: My dad went to prison when I was 6, and I never saw him again.
I tried! He didn’t show up!
My mom completely
abandoned me at 17 even though I was a good kid. She couldn’t get herself together enough to even be a mother. Had to sleep on the floor of a friend’s bedroom all year to finish high school.
Then, enter bad relationships….
Lots of pain and suffering.
I am working on learning from it all so I can heal.
-Best wishes to all
I'm so sorry for your struggles. As my now deceased partner used to say, "sounds like you were rode hard, and put away wet." I sure do miss that man. And, that's the thing.....if they don't leave you one way, then they DIE on you. Only our Heavenly Father will "NEVER LEAVE OR FORSAKE US." I know this to be true, and that knowledge "comforts my heart," but I still miss my Jerry. Hope you find some healing; don't give up hope. ❤🩹
I don't even need to see what the signs are to know I have all 40. Abandonment issues crippled my life, and its extremely difficult to change this mindset. I don't know if i ever will.
@@Valreea you will! I know you will
Hang in there! It does get better, even without the kind of help Tim is giving us. You see other people with the same issues and reflect on it, but having this information and a sympathetic community can help you accept yourself, which I think is the first step.
I had the very same issues. I attracted narcissistic women one after another and would go into severe feelings of terror at perceived abandonment. I did everything I could to heal this and the only advice I can give is that somatic therapy helped me tremendously and learning to gradually love myself and accept myself. Still a work in progress.
i believe in your capacity to heal. it is a very triggering and slow process, but your development will begin to show in flashes. after realizing your wounds, the next step often if realizing your behaviors. it can trigger shame, anger, disgust, fear. it feels like you're going backwards. but often it's evidence of moving forward. you really can, and probably will, grow stronger and more stable with these things
@@Valreea distrust of others is the leading sign, I think. And relating becomes impossible in that framework
Hello, can you please also focus on the solutions for us complex trauma survivors? The problems are the past, the solutions the future and healing part. Thank you for making these videos. But it is necessary to focus on the healing part. I hope you can do that more... We need that. Thanks 😊
Find God.
Yeah I agree with your post as well. I need that as well and found God. There's more to it than just forgiveness.
Jesus has been the most important part of my healing. Once you have Jesus, you know what's good and bad. I still get flashbacks and have my dysregulated and grumpy moments (lots of them), but I can go to Jesus and ask Him to take it away or help me deal with it. The Holy Spirit is my antenna. God made us in His image. Once you have Jesus, you intuitively know what to look for, and you can't go back.
This has been a helpful check list to show me I have healed a lot. There is hope! Not there yet, but on the way. Definitely worth celebrating.
@@JillCee 💫✌️
Some of those things are so powerful, emotionally, you still feel the "pull" even though you know better intellectually!
Oh yeah 🎉 I got 100% A+ on abandonment
@@SusanPortrey congrats buddy!! same
Please have the next video be how to heal abandonment issues 🙏🏻
I agree. The feelings of worthlessness, reinforced by so many nice people driven away by this problematic behavior can lead down the merry path to suicidal ideation.
Whoever reads this I hope they find deep healing but I found that healing starts in a physical somatic level.
I will do one this weekend
The mantra "How is this affecting my body" at each step of this list / process can re-center on healing, helping us move toward healing and away from sabotage.
This helped me to realize how far I have come with healing. I used to have probably all of them, now just few.
@@riorisa6613 Hello! Glad to hear it, how did you do it? Thank you in advance!
@ Reading books for more than 30 years, two good therapists and a lot of luck. Good luck to you. Please trust the process and have faith that you will get there.
No, it’s because we will attract avoidant people in attempt for us both to play out unconscious childhood issues, and once we get into this unconscious pattern and both of us get triggered then it’s just the same narrative. If you are with somebody having attachment issues, both of you must be aware. It is hard to find healthy partners, and you must be aware of this and really cultivate emotional health within yourself and develop authenticity with values. Do not be superficial about relationship,
BINGO!!! I agree.....give this lady a "gold star." My very best friend after 30 years just abandoned me last year for 2nd time. The first time, we parted ways for 3 years, and every year on her birthday, I reached out to her. We finally reconnected, and I thought we were over whatever "our issues" were, and then she does it again!!! This time, I am NOT CHASING HER DOWN. I love her dearly, and miss our friendship, but I finally realized......as you so wisely have stated.....she is "avoidant attachment," and I have been "anxious attachment," and so ONLY WAY we would come together again is IF......and it's a BIG IF.....she realized her part in our drama, and was willing to openly communicate in order to heal and grow together. She is an avoidant, and she will run if I reach out again......I am just trying to give her time and space, so she might seek me out on her own. I have my issues, but I am also an "OPEN BOOK." Not perfect, but more than willing to communicate, and work through any issues; she on other hand, gets scared, and SHUTS DOWN. Anyway, I have DECIDED that how she handled things was not only hurtful, but RUDE AS HELL NO MATTER WHAT I SUPPOSEDLY DID TO INCUR HER WRATH. So....that's my story....I will NOT ALLOW this woman to hurt me this way again.
I forgive her, but time to move on to "safer relationships."
Abba heal my soul.
In tears after watching this
@@Rico-RR complete tears
You are not alone!
This connects with so many other areas. Attachment. Trauma. Neuro.
Looking at past relationships and my different ages/stages, healing and retraumatization, and currently 5 years single and healing... I see many of these but at different times. After a few years when I started noticing patterns I would try to change the pattern but then I would pendulum the extreme other way. And so on and so forth. I've just started dating somebody I have known for many years, I think I will journal throughout this experience to help me be aware of my thoughts and actions. I'm seeing things already but I'm catching them quickly. All these emotions are scary and difficult but worth it I hope.
It's not a fear of abandonment, its a reliable forecast. All relationships doomed to end somehow someday, most of the time not because of death.
There are people that are OK with it, oh well, that's life, it doesn't really affect me or ruin anything for me.
Others get very emotionally invested in intimate deep relationships and therefore very sensitive and concerned about how it will end. Makes perfect sense!
Those people have depths and loyalty that the other "healthier" group of people don't have and won't able to offer, and it comes with a cost. Many times, as you said, those people will come to the conclusion that they had enough of those emotional Rollercoasters, and therefore they decide to put themselves first and avoid getting into those adventures from first place. What's wrong with that? Makes perfect sense to me.
very often a relationship according to the rules of the person with mentioned issues very often turns out to not be accepted. Could also be understood as that the other side doesn't accept the partner as is. Funny how it is seen as issues from the get go and not as you mentioned the logical consequence.
This is my now ex. I loved him so much. With every fiber of my soul. However due to his abandonment wounds I had to save myself. I was killing myself staying there and in that turmoil. Nothing I ever did was hood enough. It was a bottomless cup. He was 28 when I met him and I was 37. I don't have to waste. I gave him two years. After that I said I had to go, if not just so he could learn from losing me. I was delaying his healing by staying. I love him still and pray for his recovery and healing. He had a very good heart. His family was to blame. They really did a number on him and his siblings. May God bless you all into the light of your healing just like I hope his will be blessed as well.
Thank you Tim for helping solve so many internal riddles and for providing so many enlightening tools and thoughts.
I classify as an Avoidant, but if someone starts pulling away from me, then come the abandonment wounds. Mix in some ADHD and omfg.. Ugh
Exactly, so i isolate.
@@aciddiver1978 same
the paradox of loneliness
@@aciddiver1978 me too
Yea
Best video you made. Thank you.
I'm so messed up.☹️
It's okay; we are all in this mess together. But, look at the bright side....becoming AWARE is the FIRST STEP TO HEALING!!! You're on the right road. You can't heal what you don't know is wrong. Those who are REALLY SICK, don't even know they are sick. 🙄
Oh that was so me in my teens and first marriage. I knew I was driving guys away, but now I think I must have been really scary to some of them, kind of obsessed. Even happily married in my 30s, I had nightmares of a big fight with me storming out the door. Those are rare now, thank heavens, but there are three or four items I still do when stressed.
Yeah, abandonment issues spells out my list of challenges. I wonder if this is a cycle, where abandoned children grow up to abandon their children, and so on
When I discovered how to use boundaries appropriately, I realized I was conflicting myself by not acting as I valued myself, which is what I decided, and I was making decisions based on this if I didn’t realize I would’ve perpetuated the same outcome, which would’ve led to the same narrative and ultimately affected the way I perceived and behaved in the world. If I didn’t realize every decision I made would’ve reinforced this untrue loop of crap. I learned the hard way, but I wasn’t about to do it again because Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Also change is a measure of intelligence. I decided I was smart so I was going to act accordingly, but I am not perfect.
I knew before I got abandoned by my last relationship that I was lying to myself and buying tickets to a show. I knew that I should’ve left after the first date with the indicators I saw because I knew this person was not capable of a healthy relationship relationship. I didn’t listen to my intuition, which was screaming every single day because there was a superficial connection that was disguised in depth, and I knew something was off. If I had listened to myself which I knew I should’ve then I would’ve avoided the whole thing to start out with. It doesn’t matter that I wanted this person to be a good partner. It’s the expectation that was the disappointment because I formed a story in my head. we can be disappointed things don’t play out, but I can’t force an outcome upon somebody. I can only force how I respond to the situation because my only control is within my reaction. And I have to choose, this is what I have gathered. I am self-sufficient, I am strong, and I am worthy of love. I will not betray myself, and I will take good care of myself and look in words at what I’m looking for externally to meet my needs. Nothing in the external world can meet a need. I cannot meet internally, and if I keep trying, this will perpetuate the lies and delusion. I choose to heal, I choose to live, I choose to be alive.
I LOVE listening to you. You are "very wise." And, I agree with EVERYTHING you say......I am of the same mindset these days. I think a LOT of it has to do with the world we are living in right now also. Most people have grown SO SHALLOW. It's hard to find "real people" locally I have found, although, I am in a new community from a 2 hour move away, and know virtually no one. I have one dear friend left now, who lives out of state. I live alone....pretty much have no one, but with The Almighty Creator, I will survive.....He's brought me this far. I don't like the way things are, but they just are. You're right; we have to BE STRONG!!!
Is it typical for 2 with abandonment wounds connect. Based off childhood trauma, one could be empath and the other narcissist (covert typically). I lived in this fear forever, but I will say I had 99.99 intact instinct. Little by little the truths came to light (lies always resurface).
This very interesting
I have some of them definitely. I used to have all but now I feel some of the are gone and others are disappearing.
This change happened I think after my mom passed away. In many ways that’s the ultimate abandonment. And I got through that, not fully yet, but I’m not a broken mess. I think I realised that even if or when the worst happens. I’m strong enough to handle it
I have most, but i have never been jealous of other people, because i know that many of it is just s face to the world. No one has a perfect life.
When i was a little girl i had pneumonia .my mum and auntie could only stand outside .when they left i cried all night.going forward 45 yrs later .again in hospital. My sisters came to visit me.when they left i cried again.when myself and my sisters go on holiday they had to leave earlier than me .i was upset again.its just that abandonment feeling .just wondered if im been silly for feeling that way.thankyou
You’re not being silly. Those are real feelings that need expression and healing. Hugs
No you are not being silly . It's the old abandonment wound which has been triggered. I understand it as I had the same wound as a child left alone in the hospital.
It's that empty feeling--like the sun setting, and nothing to replace it. People who have never experienced that never know what true loneliness is. You can come to terms with it and have a healthy, happy relationship, but always wonder how you will respond when the tide has gone out and once again you're all alone with no prospects.
@patormsby9441 sounds familiar. Blessings 🩷
Thankyou @@alwayshoping125
💐 Excellent summary 💐
Great analysis. Impressed ❤
I've only had one Marriage, my first, one and only ex Husband, no one else, and he abandoned me and his little Son, decades ago. I survived. I have no abandonment issues. I know my worth. I do not lower my standards, my integrity, self respect, values, for anybody.
Yep. I knew it🙄 I didn't have the main ones I thought I needed, but I have enough of the other ones😏 "No one is ever gonna hurt me again😅
I live these pray for me. In the grip of it
Oh my god the timing
I started listening to this video as I thought I had these issues... only to realize that the characteristics or behavior talked of were actually possessed/displayed by the other person (and not me)😂
What if you don't fit all of these categories. Healing the wounds?
oh lord i feel so seen
This childhood trauma is a monumental battle ; but building a tower to rise above it is a wonderful task 😇🏁
Likely there will be a very small amount of people that will watch this who do not have these issues. But for those who may see this comment who have never experianced these issues: we are constantly aware of daing all of these things. We are also very aware of how it impacts the relationship. And we feel powerless to change, and we think it's all our fault. Some of us will change, and sometimes the relationship can become so healthy. Other times not. It is unfortunately up to you to maintain, or not.
I wonder why I would have abandonment issues when I experienced consistent abandonment. This time I am with myself, I don’t abandon myself, and I have myself, I know myself and have picked up the pieces of fragments and switched locus of control through auto psychotherapy. Dombrowski and JUNG, but this extended into philosophy, evolutionary, psychology, spirituality, comparative mythology, etc..
Just looking at the list at the beginning, my first thought was "Well.....f@ck".
Pretty much me in a nut shell. I'm broken af.
I avoid relationships like the plague due to my numerous abandonment issues. 😢
Me, too. Now I do. I only have 2 close friends, but have known them for many years. I have to say, though, I do agree with everything said in this video except one thing. When he says, "we avoid new relationships at all cost." Partly, I think that is somewhat healthy.....I wouldn't say I am completely opposed to a new friendship or whatever, if the right thing came along. But, I have learned the HARD WAY too often with men and women over the years, I have often "jumped in with both feet" NOT even cautiously to see if who this new person in my life is actually is a "safe person" to be with. So, I think that actually is a sign of healing. I am at the point in my life where I am NOT "so desperate" for many friends, and having a man always in my arms. I am NOT isolating just out of fear or past trauma....it's just that, first of all, it's harder to make new friends as you get older anyway, and if a new person comes around....I AM now going to "take my time," and get to know them FIRST. NOT EVERYONE is a "safe person," and I CHOOSE NOW to ONLY spend my time with those who are "loyal" and WON'T JUMP SHIP at the first sign of trouble. You can't always prevent abandonment, but jeepers.....let's just say, I am choosing my friends more wisely these days. I am ALWAYS open to a new relationship, but it MUST BE A SAFE ONE. Most of the people who have abandoned me in my life were "fair weather friends"....I can see that now; with age comes WISDOM.
This is an awesome video, also please get out of my head 😂
This video is a confirmation of many things I struggled with in my relationships in the past. My healing is in progress so I do see that I have lingering behaviors similar to the signs in this video. I don't have memories of abandonment, I would benefit from examples 🙏🏽
A mother almost dying when you are 2 years old; in and out of hospitals. Your family "turning against you," a divorce.....your husband of 32 years decides he wants someone else, friends "kicking you to the curb" after MANY YEARS without any recourse; ghosting you.....just "slamming the door in your face." Family not speaking to you for 5 years because your beliefs conflict with theirs....on and on the list goes. Have you had people in your life just "kick you to the curb" for no reason, abruptly? It hurts, I tell you......
This stung 😮
Hi Tim have you explored the term schizoid personality and do you have any ide on how to mend the inner split between the mind and the body, between the thaughts and the feelings, and what probably are the root cause of abandonment issues?
Thank you
My ex-boyfriend and I both have abandonment issues
He totally got jealous one night and broke up with me
I think he did it so he could be the one that wasn’t being abandoned !!
When we broke up, he had to constantly search for another relationship because he didn’t want to be alone
The abandonment just about killed me for 3 months
He constantly had to talk to other people when we were out to be the center of attention or talked to several women on his phone to get validation
Oh my God now I get it. I was talking to someone from my past one night when we were out and he got really angry and said why didnt you tell me you didn’t wanna be with me when that wasn’t the case at all but he probably thought I was going to start a relationship with my ex-boyfriend when that wasn’t even true . I hadn’t seen that person for a year and a half.! After all that fight, he told me I should be with my ex-boyfriend which I didn’t understand, but I get it now
And he is the one that had affairs on his wife for years when he was traveling for work! Makes so much sense
Talk about no boundaries he thought he could do whatever he wanted and with no repercussions !!!
Ugh, this is me, the reason I stayed with a man so very clearly below me. The thing is that it is almost all because of the continuing trauma of our relationship in addition to the medical trauma, sexual abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse, and countless other tragic events. I was apparently attracted to my husband BECAUSE he was sick, just like my uncle, father, and cousin's. Another sick pervert, like essentially all men. It makes me sick to realize that I have just wasted my life trying to get all my balls in order, to fit in and be successful. I have had to kill myself, destroy my hopes and dreams. All for nothing. Great job.
Sign 1, you have clicked on this video. Lmao.
@@chrisjudge-wm9hs 🤣💯
@TimFlecter-x8x why though
Ha truth.. Thx for the validation.
Lol 😂
I deal with this.
Fear of abandonment is my worst fear since childhood, I come from a broken family. I have most of these traits except that I don't have a jealous bone in my body, and that I don't tolerate disrespect and abuse. Also, I'm not a crowd pleaser and I don't seek validation - my misanthropy level is quite high, I'm often condescending and don't care of what other people think (it is of course a lie). Also, I always set a million of boundaries as a shield. Most people find me intimidating and stay away from me, I'm a grumpy lone wolf and it makes me feel secure. My fear of being betrayed and hurt is so high that I always wear a psychological shield and sword. Think of Simon & Garfunkel's "I am a rock" Song.
Well, I certainly understand your fear and pain; been there, and done that. But as someone once said, "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." And, I've heard it said that "every relationship has an expiration date." I never heard that until recently, and find it an interesting truth. For me, that's been hard because I am such a LOYAL...."death do us part" kind of friend/lover, but sadly I think that's just in the movies. I am learning to accept this idea that not every relationship is meant to last that long......some, are only for a season. Learn to just "be in the moment and enjoy the moment." Funny, my life has been like that anyway by no choice of my own. I still get triggered at times because of my abandonment trauma from childhood, but working on it. Why don't you keep your sword at your side, and only whip it out when you have to; not everyone is out to hurt you. Right?
I want mutual connection and I want the person to appreciate me as a unique individual, what qualities that I know I bring do they also appreciate and what do I appreciate in them. I am coming from a full cup, where I want to take ownership for my issues. I want to form legitimate connection with trust and intimacy, I don’t want to have a superficial relationship based on Superficial things, I want a deep and loving connection, regardless of the relationship. Where the person can speak up for their needs. Should they no longer be happy instead of abruptly leaving. This means I need to become the partner I want to be and make better choices with my partner selection, I need to see if they’ve done introspection because I’m not going to play this game again
SO TRUE!!! Well said....me, too!!! Less is more; quality over quantity.
How to heal this abandonment issue
Innerchild Healing
Yes. 😢
There are some of us who wake up each day to unrelenting shame, a certainty that we’re barely tolerated and smell of unwanted debris. It’s so ironic, then, that our need for intimacy demands such a high level of security! I know that the whole time I’d spend people-pleasing, I’d never think there’s any way at all that I was doing it for myself! 🤯
You know what? All that time, you thought you were looking for "intimacy," when what you really were after was VALIDATION!!! I spent my entire life seeking after others, thinking I was looking for love, but what I really wanted was someone to tell me "I WAS OKAY; I WAS ACCEPTABLE; I HAD A RIGHT TO BREATHE THE SAME OXYGEN AS EVERYONE ELSE." But, the truth is, the ONLY PERSON WHO CAN RIGHTFULLY VALIDATE A PERSON IS ALMIGHTY CREATOR ABOVE. Once you can "fall in love with yourself".....so to speak, then the truth is, it doesn't matter if anyone else loves you, you can stand on your own. We are taught in childhood that "we aren't good enough unless mommy or daddy or our brothers and sisters love us".....whatever....but, that's NOT TRUE!!! WE MATTER BECAUSE WE ALSO WERE GIVEN LIFE. I used to LOATHE being ALONE......like I was some sort of "empty shell".....with no meaning or substance without another person "filling me up." Sadly, most of us feel this way.....deep down, that's the reality of this world. Learn to let the Almighty fill you, and VALIDATE yourself......then "your light will shine," and you will automatically draw people to you in a "healthy way." But, even if they don't come....you won't crumble.....YOU WILL STAND ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET. Love, prayers and healing to you!!! ❤🩹
@@commonsenselucy5697
I just love your comment for two reasons:
1) your comment is about the same length as mine! 😂 People seldom take time to read something I write if it says “more” at the end of the first few lines. 😏
2) Your Godly reply was exactly what I needed from a sister in Christ! Full of wisdom and genuine truth that I hadn’t expected - and really needed. What a blessing your words are!
If you have a blog, I’d enjoy taking a look at it. If not…I think you might want to consider it. Right now, people are on their way to an eternity of suffering in hell because they don’t feel or believe they are invisible to the world. We need more Believers to tell them about their Creator’s love for them, and I think you could do just that - because I also believe you act on Holy Spirit’s voice. Let your light shine, Girl! Blessings to you and again, thank you!
I get nervous when my partner doesn’t show excitement when we’re texting each other, like I feel like they’re losing interest or something
at some pay you just stop to care about anything
40 !! Sheesh. I'd gotten to."I'm looking forward to taking my time" my brain..oxytocin overload! LoL need make sure HE is actually interested.
How does one have all 40 of these? 🤣🤦♀️
It's amazing, but I can attest to having been full of contradictions.
Guilty as charged😅
How can this intersect with narcissism/what are the connections
They will trigger that
Every single thing my wife ever did made me feel abandoned
If you are a grown up, you can not be abandoned. Other grown ups and relationship with them can only trigger your issues, but it's on you to resolve them
That’s placing a lot of responsibility onto someone….does she know this? Did u ever share these fears with her and give her the opportunity to possibly change what she’s doing to make u feel that way? Did u share any info with her to help her understand ur needs?
You really are doing "god's" work. Thank you. ^_^
Lately especially your videos have been resonating very hard and triggering realizations that are invaluable to my spiritual and healing journey, truly an integral part of it.
I try to share your stuff as much as possible because this is so important for humanity, particularly right now.
Much love, as always.
These videos need more practical advice. I’ve watched so many but it’s more rhetoric and conceptual development than it is actual tools and practical advice. Please help, I am poor and broken. Thank you
@ Thank you! I would love to do that. Any practical advice on how one can do that?
@ I need a more systemic approach to my trauma then that 😂
PRAY for healing!!!
Richard Grannon on TH-cam.
Im the poster child. 😞
I think this play is about me
is it possible to get those Power Point Slides for free? thank you
How many are to be ticked?
it can't be all 40
it has to be N out of 40
Certain ones will stand out more than others for people. Some people will have only a few but they could be quite severe while others may have many. So it doesn't have to be a specific number, these are characteristics behaviors thought patterns of people who have been abandoned early in life and that loss has gone on to affect the relationships throughout their life. Becoming aware of some of these behaviors actions thoughts patterns can help us to change them, heal, and explain where the heck they're coming from…
It’s a range. The more you have the worse the damage was and the more you have to heal.
I'm in this video and I dont like it. :)
Don’t have time to watch whole video...any solutions offered at the end?
It's good; you really should watch it when you have time. I identified with MOST of it. He really didn't offer solutions, but I think the first step to healing is being "made aware" of what the problem is anyway. I watch videos like this for diagnosis, and because I am a spiritual person, I ask my Heavenly Father in prayer for healing in such matters. That has always worked for me. I pray you get the healing you need.
There are a variety of attachment issues that can stem from childhood abandonment wound, including avoidant, insecure, and anxious. I think you’re grouping everything into one and failing to really account for all the differences. and out of all the videos, I’ve commented I have not seen one response, this tells me that you might be getting triggered. And if so, and it’s not acknowledged then we are just the blind leading the blind now. And I’ve also noticed that proclivity towards negativity and really making that place of despondency the narrative for most people. You failed to tell people that there’s hope and how to change you. Just want to tell people how screwed up they are it seems I’d really appreciate if you include the change and resources -instead of allowing people to become perpetual victims. I can say this as a victim. But why do we want to sit here and waive the victim flag. At this point if we do so continually then we are just victims of ourselves and our poor decisions.
Sounds like my ex wife and even myself to a degree.
What is the SOLUTION? Please!!
Becoming aware is "first step," and LOTS OF PRAYER!!! 🙄
Hallelujah!!!! The daily Jesus devotional has been a big part of my transformation, God is good. I had a $47,000 loan from the bank for my son's (Oscar) brain surgery. I am now debt free after I invested $8,000 and got my payment of $50,500 each 28Days. God bless Kate Elizabeth Becherer
Hello, how do you achieve such biweekly returns? As a single parent i haven't been able to get my own house due to financial struggles, but my faith in God remains strong.
I'm inspired.
Please spill some sugar about the biweekly stuff you mentioned
This is a definition of God's unending provisions for his people. God remains faithful to his words. 🙏 I receive this for my household
Her top notch guidance and expertise on digital market changed the game for me
Thanks to Kate Elizabeth Becherer
This sounds like narcissism
@@rosettemarshall3024 typically how victims of narcissists feel and are hyper vigilant about traumatizing situations..
Yes, I wonder how much abandonment might play into someone becoming a covert narc. Some of these people (I raise my hand shyly) will also have learned manipulative tactics from the covert narc that did this to them, as a matter of survival.
@@patormsby9441 highly doubtful as most are simply trying to survive life while around narcs. Away from them.. life is peaceful
Wow!! 🤐