ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 พ.ค. 2024
- The science of sex, love, attraction, and obsession | Big Think
Watch the newest video from Big Think: bigth.ink/NewVideo
Learn skills from the world's top minds at Big Think+: bigthink.com/plus/
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How love makes us feel can only be defined on an individual basis, but what it does to the body, specifically the brain, is now less abstract thanks to science.
One of the problems with early-stage attraction, according to anthropologist Helen Fisher, is that it activates parts of the brain that are linked to drive, craving, obsession, and motivation, while other regions that deal with decision-making shut down.
Dr. Fisher, professor Ted Fischer, and psychiatrist Gail Saltz explain the different types of love, explore the neuroscience of love and attraction, and share tips for sustaining relationships that are healthy and mutually beneficial.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TIMESTAMPS:
0:00 Intro
0:32 Ted Fischer on love versus lust
0:56 Gail Saltz talks love and neurotransmitters
4:39 Helen Fisher on how love shuts down decision-making parts of our brains
8:15 Saltz on the science of a “good partner”
10:18 Helen Fisher on the importance of sex and romance for the brain and your relationship
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TRANSCRIPT:
During romantic or passionate love, you're gonna feel the sense of being addicted to your partner.
People who are madly in love can fall madly in love with somebody who's married, who lives on the other side of the planet, who comes from a different religion. And somehow, they'll say to themselves, we'll work it out, we can work this out. Because of all that energy of intense romantic love.
Over time, as this whole neurotransmitter thing settles out, what's left?
TED FISCHER: We define romantic love as an intense desire for another, with the expectation that it's gonna persist into the future. And that distinguishes it from lust, which is generally fleeting, and also for more companionship love, which doesn't have that intensity of desire, that you want to possess the other in some way.
GAIL SALTZ: Studies have looked at activity in the brain when recalling passionate or romantic love, versus say maternal love, and finds that different centers definitely are more active. And they would, say, put people into the functional MRI, and they said, think about your partner, or think about your lover. And certain areas lit up, or they said, think about your mom, and different areas lit up. Which is important, because different areas are responsible for the release of different neurotransmitters. Which then come to affect your future feeling states and future behaviors. During romantic or passionate love, what happens from a neurotransmitter standpoint, those chemicals that are released when you have that particular experience? Dopamine goes up. Dopamine is essentially the neurotransmitter of reward. So it is a neurotransmitter that's released when you have new or novel experience, but particularly experiences that are reinforcing. Like gambling. Or something that is really addictive. In fact, literally addictive. It's the neurotransmitter if you snorted cocaine that is most responsible for, wow, that was great, and I totally wanna do it again. So that is a neurotransmitter that definitely goes up when you are in the throes of romantic or passionate love. And what does that mean for you? It means that you're gonna feel the sense of being addicted to your partner. And in fact, it's also the neurotransmitter that goes up for people who have obsessive compulsive disorder. Does that mean you're gonna develop OCD? No. But what it does mean is you're probably going to obsess over your partner. In comes another neurotransmitter, that's called serotonin. It is definitely a neurotransmitter that is active for obsessive compulsive disorder. And for depression. Do you become depressed? No, you really don't. But what you do do is a feature of depression called rumination. So you think about your partner over and over and over again in this really obsessive manner. And, if your partner is separated from you, you're going to have this longing, where you're wanting to be with them, kind of like you'd want to be with a drug if it was taken away from you and you were already addicted to it.
There are changes in other neurotransmitters as well. So if you're physically with your partner, the neurotransmitter oxytocin, which is kind of known as the cuddle neurotransmitter, and that makes you feel warm, and snuggly, and intensely bonded to this person. It is particularly released following orgasm. So, you know, if you're having sex with your partner, and things go well, you're gonna feel very...
To read the full transcript, please visit bigthink.com/videos/the-scien...
How do you define love?
Baby don't hurt me.
It is a feeling which don't let you go away from your love.
Well, here I don't mean that love is any person. Here love can be a passion.
@@aduts1177 I agree somewhat it doesn't exist as a distinct feeling in itself, it's no different than other addictions. However, I believe love is a "verb", like Helen Fisher recommends doing things with your partner, you cultivate love. You create meaningful reciprocal, mutually beneficial relationships and that's what you can call love.
@@kujo62 lmao
Well Imo love can only be defined in one and the only real explaination~ " Love is the mix of some unique feelings when you like, love, want to share your company with, think of, care imotionally and physically, believe, admire, appreciate someone"
I have fallen in love many times during the last 50 years.... always with the same woman.
This is such a beautiful comment 🥰❤️
Beautiful...
🙂
This is beautiful
So sweet ❤️🤩
“Thinking of you keeps me awake. Dreaming of you keeps me asleep. Being with you keeps me alive.”
So you basically find joy in exploring others not you. hmmm..ok.
@@finaldestination813 ....yeah...why is it wrong tho?
@@finaldestination813 quoting something doesn't make it true.
Learn trading with my Trader
@@lobstered_blue-lobster First of all nothing is objectively wrong or right it's all about conflict of perspectives that's all. Imo u just lose yourself in finding others. If you are that kinda simp or anything that's totally ok u do what makes you feel happy you are on your own "grown ass adult".
1. Overlook the faults in your partner, focus on the positive side
2. Express empathy towards your partner
3. Control your own emotions.
4. Maintain sex drive: Have sex regularly
5. Do novel things together
6. Stay in 'touch'
7. Say several nice things to your partner
Well said.💚💚♥️♥️🙏🏾🙏🏾
Thanks for info
Well, intimacy (sex) from compassion, is ONLY NICE on paper... and terrible EXPERIENCE... IF we want to be HONEST and truthful .. You wanna live such a life? Yes, if you are brainwashed and ego maniacal personality.. Yes, it' s a TODAY STANDARD in society, BUT, is it REALLY best strategy for HAPPY LIFE? There is HERE, one person who is old enough and experienced enough And BRAVE enough to say to you all: NO, it is not. We need better solution than stupid, one love solution. Cheers!
@@neosrdjan671 wait, what? what are you responding to?
@@neosrdjan671 Something happened to u huh
Love is just in our nature, my relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, Really love him so much, i can’t stop thinking about him. I’ve tried my very best to get him back in my life but to no avail, I’m frustrated because i literally can't envision my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss him and just can’t stop thinking about him~
Your feelings are understandable, It's always difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation when my wife of 12 years left me, i couldn't just let her go. I did all I could to get her back, I had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back.
@@bartholetbay412 Wow, how did you get a spiritual adviser, and how do i reach her?
@@nikascupcakebar her name is MONICA ERLENE MORA, and she is a great spiritual adviser as well as a caster and healer
@@bartholetbay412 Thank you for this valuable information, I just looked her up online. impressive.
You are going to be okay, Trust me,. time will heal your wounds . I had the same experience back in 2020 .. I still can't figure out why we broke up.. she was my everything , the love of my life.. I was so miserable after the break up i even tried took my own life.. But slowly i started to recover... I'm not hundred percent recovered yet but at least now i'm not in any pain.. I still has her photographs stick on to my closet door, every time at look at those photos it reminds me of the perfect times we had in the past. Even though she left me she still lives in my head as a beautiful memory .. Right now i have my complete focus on career ...
The depression that comes once you cannot love your lover is brutal.
You can love them but you cant get the love back always
yes indeed
“ Directly after copulation, the devil’s laughter is heard “ ~ Arthur Schopenhauer
It’s like nature way to ensure for our species to continue and not die out , but after “ Post Nut Clarity “ it seems like it’s all an illusion.
the practice of stoicism can really help brokenhearted people in the process of letting go
Once you know love is like an addictive drug, you can start your recovery and approach it cautiously if at all.
“We’re built to love”, that’s everything that matters.
Goodluck
Everyone has their own definition of love. There are toxic relationships, abusive relationships which is not real love at all. Seek out God's love- truth, be patient and be kind or be alone.
@@osho6158 as long as you keep love in your heart , who is to take that away from you.
We gotta have the drive to reproduce somehow
It's the only thing that exists
you know what's scary? it's when a person is addicted to you, but you are not addicted to them. it's scary because you see the things so clearly but the other side is legit blind
That changes everything.
So true dude my ex is obsessed with me but I'm not
@@jamescyriac1771 do you think it’s weird ? Or flattering
crime is next
I fell in love for the first time at 25. To this day, I’ve always said that it felt like a literal addiction. Quite scary, but beautiful in its own way.
did you fall in love again then?
When you lose them you go into withdrawal.
The feeling of addiction is very real ... Especially at younger age.
Take me back to young
Depends what’s young age definition according to us
Yea...my friend 17 recently got into a relationship....she is so obssesed with the guy. She also ignores us and they practicaly want to rip each others clothes off everywhere we go. It's annoying for us singles. LIKE DO IT PRIVATLY AND IT'LL BE GREAT
No wonder Luo guys like to saw their seeds!
@@mba7454 ... Everyone likes to sow their seed ... Its how the system works.
The trick is to know when to stop, so the "quality" can be preserved.
“Marriage was the beginning of the relationship and now it’s the finale.” Beautifully said!
Are you married??
@@TusharDu 😅😅
False. Maybe in last couple decades in western world. Before marage was NOT the beginning.
@@TheBanterCity I agree.
Let's make love and find out whether we can be toghter forever
The problem with sex outside of a serious relationship is that sometimes people get pregnant impulsively, and children grow up without a stable family, and this usually affects their psychological development a lot.
Very true. Which is why a comprehensive sex education is necessary
Sex education and access to health care are the answers here.
There are lots of contraception methods specially oral contraceptives are convenient ones
Notice that what I am is pixels on a screen. Pixels on a screen talking to you. You can notice that these pixels on a screen are actually just a fragment, a figment of your own consciousness. A fragment of your own consciousness manifesting as pixels on a screen. You are the Universe speaking to itself. The Universe now as it is talking is also hearing these words and becoming conscious of itself as the Universe. You are the Universe talking to yourself becoming conscious of yourself as the Universe. The Universe is reminding itself that it is the Universe because the Universe forgot. The Universe is telling you that you are God dreaming up this life and this very moment, this room that you're sitting in that you think of as a physical room is actually a dream. Your entire life is a dream. Your childhood is a dream and the ideas you have of your death is a dream. Everything you're experiencing right now what you are is God. God talking to itself. I am you and you are me.
Well now you see the problem here is that the act is inherently disordered (no commitment to sustain order), therefore it is BAD! But none of you understand, you chaos-mongers!
What these two experts didn't mention: It's not just what you learn about the other that sustains a healthy relationship; it's also what you learn and know about yourself. Know thyself!
So basically, friendship and respect is the key to long term relationship.
I actually believe respect is more important than love, because if I cannot respect who a person is, I cannot love them.
If I lose respect for my partner, I cease to love them.
And finally, if I could have only one or the other from someone I care about, respect or love, I'd choose to be respected.
These are my strong beliefs at age 60. I am not trying to impose them on anyone else.
@@ohdear2275 I lost respect for my partner he was a narcissist hiding a lot of things but that doesn’t mean you fall out of love with him love is infinite if you fall out of love with somebody you didn’t have love love is always there you MoveOn you fall in love with somebody else and they fulfill a different part of your heart but love never ends it is infinite. I don’t think you people know what love is sadly. No offense it’s just my parents have been married 50 years and my partner walked out on me and love doesn’t walk out on you when you’re sick doesn’t say you know they need to find somebody else that’s bullshit. Again love is infinite
@@ohdear2275 another thing I see with people nowadays is it’s about them and what they’re getting out of the relationship and if somebody strokes out or has an issue then they don’t want to take care of it they don’t wanna do anything for that person and that is not love. Love is sacrificing at times two it’s not all rainbows and cupcakes people
@@Portia620 Thank you for instructing us "people" regarding what love is. I'm sure we'll have no problems from now on.
When your joy is in giving instead of receiving, there is no scarcity. There's always someone else who could use your love.
I don't know why but science of emotions makes me feel cheated by my brain
That feeling of being cheated is just yet another chemical reaction
@@steggyweggy “ The human brain is incredibly complex”
- Human Brain
Your brain is more powerful than you think
Your brain has been cheated by evolution
@@thedog5k "The human brain is the most important organ"
- Human Brain
I find that putting off sex in order to get to know someone first, prevents a load of heartaches later. How many times have I pounced on someone, and awakened the next morning to discover I'm bonded with this guy and I don't even know if I LIKE him yet. That's lunatic.
Love hurts sometimes but I still wouldn't wanna live without it, the feeling is fire
I lost my loved wife of 54 years, 2 years ago ... I still miss her ... I now call myself Just Jim (she had many names for me over the years) ... I am so glad she asked me to marry her!
It’s very interesting to see how love can be as addicting as a drug
Love is Drug
Not really - that's too easily misconstrued as a naturalistic narrative that is ultimately dehumanizing. You heard the tone of this montage: here is dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and a few other chemicals we observe when we stick people's heads into fMRI scanners, and here are some hacks to keep your brain pumping the 'correct' amounts to achieve 'happiness' in your life - because, as we know, we reduce to our brains, and ultimately all our feelings and social relations reduce to brain chemistry which we, blinded by our evolutionary blindspots, care to maintain for no good reason at all
It's so primal
@@DaFeanor20 "and what else is there?" You could start with your own consciousness
"also, why should a description of a natural process be dehumanizing?" And where did I say that? I specifically mentioned the _naturalistic narrative_ woven around said description as dehumanizing, not the description itself. Things are what they are; the natural sciences don't subvert the nature of things, they merely bring more of their detail into focus. Yet, to many, this is it: have x dopamine going around the y region of the brain, and you completely figured out 'happy'...
Love is THE drug
Love is choosing someone everyday because you bring out the best in eachother.
And no narcissistic disorder is involved.
Respect is the most important thing in a relationship without equal respect there is no love.
Nah. /
It truly feels like a drug addiction. When things are good between us it feels like I am literally in heaven vs when we go through a rough patch, I can barely function.
“It’s also the neurotransmitter that goes up for people who have OCD”. Oh god, tell me about it. As an OCD sufferer, getting over an ex-lover can be an absolute nightmare. It’s literally a breakup on steroids.
Yea i got OCD I've never had a GF but I've had females play with me and stay in my head for ages!
@@skysthelimit6495 yeah I can understand or somewhat relate to you but nowadays I don't give a fuck about bit*ches anymore they can come they can go doesn't matter to gone are the days when I would literally feel anything about them those were my childhood days. Now I love and enjoy my solitude more than anything.
@@skysthelimit6495 oh man I’m sorry you had to go through this. I was ditched by my first gf so I can actually relate to the shitty obsessive sense of rejection that you probably suffered from.
So people with OCD either gotta go all in (Make sure you can definitely sustain a long term relationship with you partner) or all out. (Live in celibacy until the day you die and get eaten by maggots in a cramped coffin) There is only two extremes. If you dont choose either you are gonna go absolutely ____ing bonkers. Because people will probably break up with you a few times. Must be an absolute pain in the ass!
Learn trading with my Trader
I knew what my definition of love was when I was able to fully and unconditionally adore someone without worrying about whether or not that person is actually in my life. Love is the ultimate act of selflessness
On the contrary. Love is the absolute act of selfishness. Our true nature is revealed through love. We love for our own satisfaction and happiness. The “care” we give to our partners is just a facade emerging from our fear to lose them.
love is interaction, what are you loving if you aren't in touch? an illusion you build up in your mind is all.. but who knows
@@fakename2969 the idea of them
@@rufatmammadov60 true
That’s infatuation…
I complement my wife, how smart she is, loving, cheerful, cute, etc. almost daily
Wowww how great husband you're. Nice..
Does she do the same for you?
I am in a long-distance relationship for so long that I don't even know anymore if that person is the same person I loved. Also, all the essential parts of the relationship are missing, sex, physical touch, novel activities together, and even regular conversation. I think it is time to move on and give myself a chance to experience the pleasure of being in love again.
Long distance relationships are tough. I just exited one not long ago and while I adored her when we were together in person, not being able to be around each other for a majority of the year eventually forced us to make a decision: stay in a relationship where neither of our needs were being met, or let each other go and be happy, even if it means not together. It’s very tough but at the end of the day I think it was the right decision to break up. Now whenever we get to see each other in person we are more excited than when we were in the relationship. The connection is real. Maybe we’ll get together again in the future, maybe not. Just because someone isn’t active in your life doesn’t mean you can’t love them from a distance. Stay strong.
Ill take you if you move on. You can move right on in
It’s that’s who you are meant to be with then you will be no matter what, not that that they are but don’t let someone control you’re life, see other people until you can get back to them and if you don’t and find somebody you live more then so be it. I think it’s worse to resent someone because you feel obligated to stick around and not live the one life you have. Live it to the fullest and love while you can!
🤧🤒
Long distance relationship is no easy feat.
I know...been through the madness...it's just not great when love starts to affect your studies n work😭
I really told myself I wouldn't wanna feel like this ever again
I got addicted six months ago to someone. Got withdrawal symptoms after I blocked him. Now even when I'm over him my brain still won't let me concentrate at school. The brains great but I hate the power it has over the person who's suffering in addiction.
@@julzlebi3305 omg I’m in the same position we’re not talking anymore and I don’t like him anymore but I think of him alllllll the time drives me insane and it’s been a year :(
@@ElizabethOberiko101 sighs.. I deeply understand. It's extremely fustrating to say the least. But.. We'll pull through. Together.
its really a big mess,i feelin too
When someone's happiness makes you happy, it's Love and it's spiritual but if you only care about what you want and what you desire while completely ignoring your mate (girlfriend, friend), then it's just a materialistic connection that will soon be broken.
@mz. white , You know I really want to understand how women's brain works. I mean that guy treated you terribly and yet you are obsessed with him. Why and How?
As someone who just had a crazy stalker chick forcing themselves into my life in many ways but who never took the time to converse...yes, I agree!
@mz. white Maybe try to put that love somewhere else. Like loving a dog or any other animal. When I was healing a therapy dog was what motivated me and sparked love in my heart again. It also helps to stay busy to keep any thoughts out that may put you back at square one. A lot of it is just becoming more mindful too
@@mayankchauhan6680 what are u even saying? Majority of the cases have guys drooling over women when women ditch Them for someone better or just wanna be alone.
I’m 57 and have come to the conclusion that I’ve never been in love. I’ve had 3 long term relationships. Most of it had to do with fear of being alone, abandonment issues and just being needy. Now I’m single and I’m fine with being alone. I learned that there’s a difference between being lonely and being alone. I’m very happy being single.
I'm far from your age but I expect to find myself in the same boat eventually, I've learned the hard fact that I'll always be alone. That being said I'll make the most of what I have and continue trying to have a good life.
@@Razor-gx2dq You will have a good life. What’s important is to know the difference between being alone and being lonely.
They say you can only love to the level of your own self-love. Having a healthy relationship with someone else requires you to have a healthy relationship with yourself first. This is not to say you need to be with someone, but one day you may find that you’ve developed enough yourself to have a fulfilling relationship with someone.
Aromantic
Happy to say, that in my 30's I am finally learning to control my addictions. I feel I can "switch" between the regions of my brain that are responsible for pleasure and for rational thinking, so it is much easier to enjoy life. Wish everyone to stay connected to their emotions and mind at the same time! It's a blessings.
Hi 👍🙏🎉
Yes because if you fall for a narcissist during the love bombing wow my ex is already onto a new one moved her into the house and everything after we’ve been together for 29 years. Love is infinite and it never turns off so it’s funny how these people just damn move on their vultures they don’t know what love is it’s lust or they’re using people for different things while they hide money and have affairs please stay woke do not let your emotions override your brain!!!!
@@Portia620 thanks for your comment. True. People have many different intentions. Love without expectations is the most beautiful thing, but we have to think rationally, too when in love. Keeping balance is the key.
@@menahealing ni no
That is not love, but enjoying available sex. I had been into this and love. Love is really as strong as addiction.
self-love is the surest love ;)
Yes 😇 bravo 👏
VANITY, THAT'S NOT EXACTLY EASY EITHER
When I began to pray to God for cleansing and protection, several times a day, 8 years ago, self-love and calmness came automatically ‼️
sonetimes the hardest too
@@firmanimad Self-love will come if you get connected to God by praying, you will then love and axcept yourself, as he does‼️💎
I wish I had followed all this advice during my last relationship. I had the best partner I could have had, but I pushed her away with my lack of dedication, and now I’m suffering every day 3+ months after the breakup. If you are lucky enough to be in a relationship with someone that you love, hold dearly to it.
Same here, friend. It's been nearly three months and I haven't been able to cope with it. Hope we make it through this.
Update: 6 months now and I'm still not over it.
You need to own it and not put your entire value into another woman's acceptance. If she was a good person, then wish her well in her life and become a better person yourself and if she was mostly horrible stop being a moronic little simp and work on your own value. People come and go. End of the day, work on being high value as a single person.
You might want to research limerence and then if that doesn't cover it- look into Twin flames - it has been 15+ years for me and nothing compares to her- I have gotten over and left all kinds of girls in my life- but this one I lost a piece of my soul to. Literally nothing compares to her.
@@benstoller9218 Holy mother... 15 years? So I guess my journey to eternal grief has just started. Dammit.
I am going through the same thing, it's been about 5 months now, but I think it's getting a bit better. Stay strong brother, we'll make it through.
I like how the video differentiates between the intense feelings you get when you fall for someone and long-term love. I've been with my partner for years and I've never felt such a strong and beautiful connection with another human. Nonetheless, i still get intense crushes and obsessions with other people from time to time. I think this would've led me to jump from relationship to relationship in the past, thinking that it can't be "true" love if i can still love someone else too. Now, i understand that it's just temporary and can't compete with genuine connection and a partner that is willing to make it work as much as you are
Then it’s not as strong as you think it is 🙄 it’s actually weak if you can easily get “obsessed & have crushes” tf?
@@amerokeewiya1320 I beg to differ. It's just the way my brain works - it can be a hobby I hyperfocus on, a show, a person. And while it's all I want to focus on for a few weeks, my partner will always be the person i want to share this with, talk about it. I understand where you're coming from. As I've mentioned, I've thought so myself in the past. But i now understand the difference between a fleeting crush and a genuine connection. ☺
@@xXnickylodeonXx Wow, i really love your attitude and i totally get where you’re coming from! I’m so glad that you were able to work through those complicated feelings ☺️
@@xXnickylodeonXx Well you stated intense crushes & obsessions with other PEOPLE, not hobbies. I also see what you’re saying but intense crushes with other people when you’re in a RELATIONSHIP is weird…doesn’t seem like your love is deep for your partner but hey…”you beg to differ” 😂😂😂👌🏽
@@bumblebeebanter2603 Thank you so much, your comment made my day! ☺
I have fallen in love many times during the last 5 year.. but always with the same girl.
Then children come and, in many cases, you'll not really know your partner's behavior in the parental context. From my point of view love is just a choice, and till you will keeping choosing your partner in all the life situations you will encounter, then that relationship is going to last.
Facts 😍😍
So true!
I like your point so Interesting and right.
An Psychologist recommended partners to be together for two years, before they get married and getting children, so they can get to know each other well, first‼️
If love was a choice, then it would mean love doesn't exist. Love is not a choice, what you are talking about is settling
This explains how manipulation works in relationships as well. The love bombing, the rewards afterward abuse, the isolation & novelty created by isolation to only new experiences the manipulator provides. It explains why some ppl are madly in love with their abusers as well. Very interesting. I’ve been married 26 yrs & all of these seem to apply as long as both ppl are committed to each other. But it also seems that if one partner is resistant or doing these things for reasons other than person needs or wants & do them out of obligations, only one partner will remain attached. It explains why cheating is so appealing when it’s causing cocaine type highs bc of the “novelty” of a new person or interest/hobby.
It's how lockdowns work too
Nasty people always come up with naturalistic fallacies to attempt to justify vile behaviours.
Are you describing narcissistic trauma bonding lol
FROM BOTH SIDES.
i have been in and out of love atleast 12 times in my life....i am guy....my diminishing return is too high....i get bored from my partner after 2-3 months...then there is new excitement to meet new person and fall in love again....and it has happened with me 12 times....my goosebumps last for a max of 3 months...then i look for new relation........should i be seeing a psychologist.does this happens with everyone and no one wants to accept it bcos of society pressure ..or i am a free bird types..i am confused...!!!
Love is isn’t a feeling, it’s commitment.
I think it’s funny how hard we try as humans to verbalize and explaining scientifically such nuanced and complex things such as love and attraction. When in reality these things aren’t really things to put into words, they things to experience
Maybe so but I do know one thing that I can guarantee is a good idea is put in your mind in the game and taking your heart out of it pay close attention to spread flags you could lose a lot of time money just be smart
Here’s an idea be smart you can lose a lot of time and money so always use the part of your brain that you don’t want to use when you are infatuated with someone or you think they’re better than the next slice of bread!
Exactly!
no, this is a quite thorough and scientific explanation of your bubbly romanticism, and if you don't like it, you can always watch twilight instead.
Omgggg yes love this ❤
Love makes the world go round and sex is the catalyst by which it turns. With all the pain and cruelty in the world we can escape into romantic love, become one with our lover. This is one of the greatest feelings we can have in this world, in my opinion...
You just defined cocaine right there.
The only feeling greater, apparently, is the feeling of being released from the burden of feelings by an initial liberation experience. Apparently the ego becomes so relieved that it doesn't have to exist anymore that the relief is incomparable.
Once the ego weakens even further, however, it is less and less around to deliver those feelings and people relax into a state of peace beyond any sort of description. If only this sort of experience wasn't extremely rare - for the present. We are learning to reverse-engineer enlightenment through neuroscience, however.
Oh, and enlightened people still like having sex.
Your chemicals, apparently, haven’t worn out yet. Prepare to escape again and again…food is safer, or jogging. Your cell phone produces some very strong chemicals. Try Facebook
@@michaelmelamed9103 those things are worse addictions tho (aside from jogging)
No that's a very childish viewpoint!
Most people are focused on sex. They think it's this great and amazing thing.
But it's not sex that is the big deal, it's procreation! Sex is actually monotonous and boring, that's why people cheat!
They need to have a different person to do it with to introduce the novelty which is missing!
This is the scariest thing I have ever watched
😔
loser
@@moimoi4725 bruh projection is not cool
@@matheussanthiago9685 yesh
I don’t know how, but after over 13 years him and I still can’t get enough of each other when we’re alone.
I appreciated hearing a scientific explanation for the devastating heartbreak I’ve been in for the last two months. It feels like what I can only imagine withdrawals feel like.
NEVER been in love before but it sounds like a scary thing…. 😩
No it's not. It's beautiful.
Ya its very scary brother. Stay away from it.😂😂😂
Its scary 😂
@@maxi.e5413 Why scary?
@@MeekouOmuraAMK the loss of one's self!
It's too much work for little gain. Attachment creates fear of the future, the fear of the unknown. The fear of losing someone that you're deeply attached to.
Fear is the humans worst enemy ‼️
Summed up my thoughts. It's not worth the hustle. We already have to deal with the unknown factors of everyday life. Adding new factors to the equation will only complicate things further
There is much to be learned from unraveling that fear. Yes, love deposits fear into you, but you can choose to just accept that fear like “like well being afraid of losing my partner is just part of my life now” or you can choose to look at the value in that…what is the revelation of that fear meant to teach you…maybe stoicism can help you unravel that fear. Maybe fearless love is the actual goal. Maybe don’t just stop at the adversity…persist through it and grow as a person. Dissolve your ego and grow your soul. Use love as an opportunity to become full in yourself, and get better at the game of life
@@dezzyjones You sounds like a wise guy‼️👍
I can’t help but feel this way as well sometimes ... what about being in a relationship makes it worth it? Now I know that having memories and sharing moments with somebody else is better ... and I think that’s a fact. Sharing moments just feels better when you’re with somebody you trust and love. But that’s not necessarily implying you must be in a relationship to share those moments. But relationships scare me ... to commit so much of your time and effort and feelings into one person who you may very well lose ... the future is unpredictable and I’d rather be alone and not have to lose somebody than have somebody and constantly worry about when it will end ... I think the only one who I can truly love and trust in is God. I think people may see it differently. But that’s how I see it and so relationships seem almost pointless to me and it’s hard to force myself to want one
My science teacher once said, "love is very much like gravity". Saying that the closer you are, the greater the attraction, and that when you are far apart, that love force diminishes. Well it wasn't exactly true, at least not to the girl I loved.
A great video, after undergoing a toxic relationship and working past these couple months of the breakup I've been feeling emotionally detached, my sex drive feels nonexistent, and I just feel empty. I've been putting long hours into work, working out, playing in a volleyball league, and doing a lot of activities by myself but sometimes I just don't feel fulfilled. I hope I am able to find love again but I feel far from ready. Watching this video gives me hope.
I know exactly how you feel and I will say it does go away by time and the feeling will be less strong and potent then how it is right now or was so there is always hope even if you feel like it isn't there it's been 5-6 months after my breakup and I feel way better and can sleep and eat better and don't feel empty so yeah there always is a way even if it means venting to a therapist about it hope this finds you helpful 😌
The hard thing is to feel this for only one person... I'm a 23 yo woman and the reason I don't date is because I don't think I can be faithful, or I didn't found the person who will make me be faithful...
Faithfully is your desición not dependent on how another makes you feel. With this approach you will never be suitable for a relationship. A relationship is about commitment, you a law student, it like changing majors or having to many that you cannot success with one. and love, real love is work forgiveness surrending and constant self re avalueation. And it's your best friend. Like is important than love.
@@bofetada6841 Nonsense. Polyamory is quite common in nature and it's very possible to romantically love more than one person at a time. I've found this happen all throughout my life and I've come to accept that I'm not built to only have feelings for one person forever, though I've been serially monogamous.
Highly recommend looking into open relationships, loyalty has different definitions to everybody. Can be a beautiful thing.
Also check into whether you have ADHD, a lot of those with it have an issue with dopamine receptors and it causes them to become bored with their relationships
@@veganreignmaker it needs lots of work and willingness from both sides. otherwise nothing will last.
I Love that last line. “We’re Built To Love” So true.
Crazy that those of us with bad examples of healthy relationships at home have to learn to be nice to the people we love 😅. Hope I get to experience romantic love like that one day
im on the right path. i've always been a slow lover. i don't fall in love easily or even just find many women who intrigue me enough to date. when i do date, its usually very energetic and passionate, and the women catch feelings quickly. although i like the girl, i take as long as i need to develop the important traits such as trust and so forth. and i never make things official until i have thoroughly analysed my brain and heart.
same as a woman
Can I have one application?
Good for you!
I've also wondered if maybe men and women's brain might be slightly differently on this? I truly don't know.
But what I've noticed in a lot of women though, including myself, is that we can hate feeling that we are wasting our time.
At least after my mid twenties I have very little tolerance to investing energy and time in a man who isn't sure about me or what he wants and needs too long to figure it out, specially when I feel so sure about my feelings and I know what I want.
If I have things clear in my head but notice a man is taking too long to figure if he wants me or not in his life, no matter how much I want him, I know I have to let him go, and as painful as it has been, I have never regretted it. Ironically though, they have often returned after some time (weeks, months, even a couple years later) once they got to miss me. Unfortunately, it was always too late as I had already decided to move on. But this was something I never fully understood.
So my point by saying this is, it is wise to not to rush things, however, I believe there must be a steady progress. Not a lot of grown women will be ok with a man who offers no progress after a certain time in a relationship, specially if she is already getting involved and attached and investing her energy into it.
Well, men have the upper hand in the process. You make the choice. You can take your sweet time and pick from the litter when you think it’s right.
"We are build to love" - beautiful.
i was built to love you
Great stuff here. Explains a lot about my last relationship, and more importantly, why it failed. We didn't have very much in common, and were basically sustained by the physical, and she lacked any of the qualities mentioned here for long-term relationship success. So yeah the heartbreak will pass but our breakup was for the best.
Watching others fall in love is such a beautiful thing 😌
When you truly love a person it's very difficult to leave him.
Is that love or attachment? 🤔
Hi 👍🙏🙏
@@carriekaskiw4781 it's a compromise with yourself. so it depends on how you look at the world and your priorities. i think once you can understand why a relationship is important then you can make a decision to fall in love, with the amount you want.
7:41
@@carriekaskiw4781 is there a difference?
I had married women of my dream at 23. But then shortly after marriage, I realised my marriage is a lie and she likes someone else. Heartbroken. Not married again for last 11 years. Result is 11 years of depression, insomnia. 1 year of anxiety, panic attack. Unhealthy eating and bad habits. Before you decide to marry someone, be wise and cautious. Because its one of the most important decisions which could decide your life. Somedays i get nightmare thinking about my future. I have completed phd recently. But I feel like i may never find love as nobody will marry someone with panic attack.
"We're built to love." That touched me. As a person with not many good models of love, I used to doubt if I ever can find love or will be able to love. Luckily, I found a person I'm feeling very positive about it and can practice in a way we both grow together. We're at the beginning, and after viewing this video, I think we're moving in the right direction and bringing to the table what it takes. And this quote nourishes my hope, that even people like I can accept love and truly, deeply dare to love.
My girlfriend of 2+ years broke up with me a month and a half ago, and it caused me to find my love for her again that I hadn’t realized I had lost. We are now on the mend of getting back together and these tips especially at the end I could not agree more with, they have been put into practice and we would not be building back this strong if it wasn’t for those actions
That's fantastic. Hope things worked out for you two 🤞🤞
The more I read, watch or listen to something about "love" and relationships, the more I have a strong desire to be patient and just wait on the lord to meet my future husband and the love of my life 🙏❤️
Patience is the best friend and teacher. If you follow it, the Lord will send the right person your way. Stay strong!
I'll be the love of your life 😜🤣🤣🤣🤣
Good luck! I’m in my 40s one marriage and never again! Not to be a sore person but reality is many haven’t a clue was love is and my parents have been married 50 years my dad was married before and divorced but his second marriage lasted 50 years and they’ve even buried a child and then through a lot and relationships aren’t cupcakes and rainbows like everybody thinks but it’s sad that people don’t understand what love is nowadays. It’s more about using people to get where they need to be and the internal drive of addiction to pornography addiction to sex and so many other addictions with drugs and drinking that relationships can’t handle all that nowadays. People are so wrapped up in pleasure that they don’t understand that life is not all cupcakes and rainbows and relationships are hard work sometimes because you have to sacrifice and give up a lot during periods of time if a spouse gets sick. Sad really but I guess that is why people play musical chairs with their private parts and end up with the aids and everything else considering now we have a new super bug aids out I wonder why? In another country but I’m not surprised. People are just gross. Glad I made my ex wear a condom! 🤢🤢
Lust is a factor that will dilute true love.
Amen
It’s just the neurotransmitter, my friend. This chemical reaction will wither away eventually.
And then it will appear again. It has driven life for aeons and it will continue to do so.
True :)
is there any chemical that can make it wither away instantly
@@Saurabh.Nikhade of course. And as always you pay a high price for that. Why do you ask?
@@sonkeschmidt2027 you very well know the reason my friend 😁.
Btw are you serious,is there such compounds available in market?
That moment when reading the comments is more interesting than the video itself
I found my "partner in happiness" late in life after two failed marriages. I'm sixty, she's 53, we naturally do all the things Helen says (10:18), and this relationship stands out immensely as the best love I will ever have. We're committed to eachother because we know we can't have something better with anyone else. IMHO if you want to evaluate your love relationship for longevity, see if you do these things effortlessly.
I would say Love is emotionally directed towards the one you love while infatuation is emotionally directed towards your own self. If you're jealous or obsessive you're not in love, and it might be for all the right reasons. Don't settle for anything less than love!
Hi😍
Perfectly articulated.
Bang on! 🙏🏼
Love is steadying .....infatuation is a roller coaster .
but we do need a ride on a roller coaster once in a while.
Ok you all guys talking about some perfect idealised love that does not exist in this World! Love comes with everything- lust in the beginning, obsession, jealousy and also many many positive emotions. All of them exist in one love. So long as there are no extremes and people work towards making their relationship work and stronger that’s ok. Love comes in different forms and everyone can love in different way/ express their love in different ways. Plus nowadays everyone has some trauma so no one can love in a “perfect” way.
I married someone from another country. I have experienced the lust and separation from distance from it. 10 years later, we hate each other's guts. Moral of the story: Love will wear off and lust will go to another person. Never sacrifice your life for another person you love/lust for.
Sounds scary
Long lust
I did too... often there can be deceptions of love especially if they are visa beneficiary. If they don't like living together long-term with contraception that's a red flag. Peace.
What a fantastic video. I am sitting here so sad because my marriage ended August 2022... however listening to this has really opened my eyes to our situation. Thank you so much for this. I am grateful 🙏
The cruel part begins when you are still addicted to that person and the other person lost interest in you.
Thats not love, thats infatuation to the highest level..
Agreed
Basically!
How do you differentiate?
@@raniabadarnadeem5217 infatuation only sees and feels goodness but nothing else.. love sees otherwise.. love tested in difficulties if you could manage to stay no matter what..
@@bignewstv1827 Wow
5:10 being blinded by love, explained by neuropsychology, love these free psychology classes which are much more interesting than my professor's lectures
EXPLAINED SCIENTIFICALLY ; EXPERIENCED SPIRITUALITY
@Ranjit Tyagi no
Nah. Not blinded. /
Regarding the online dating, it's totally ok that you would want to know every detail of a person before you decide to become involved. What is not ok is that you do that with 10 people at the same time and regularly date with all of them. And it always looks that there is so much choice and many options so at the end no one actually makes a choice...Dating apps are TRAGIC, not only for people on the dating apps but also for people who are not in them...
Good point! Makes me wonder if they have looked at what's going on in a person's brain when they are vetting 10 people at once for a relationship. Sounds like it would have negative consequences when they decide on one person to date. Doing so will cause a massive decrease in stimulation. The negative impact could be responsible for quickly sabotaging the newly started relationship. Then it's back into the dating apps to get the higher amounts of stimulation.
People are free to make their own choices, but everyone involved must be informed and consent. If you are not ok dating someone polyamorous, they should not be ok dating you. If someone is dating several other people and you are not comfortable with that, you should not be in a relationship with them.
@@winspiff that's absolutely true! But the problem is that they tell you they are "polyamorous" after three months of dating! And their other partner(s) also absolutely have no clue that they are in "polyamorous relationship"
Its like a poison that kills yourself without any control, the depression and sometimes hatered is uncontrolable only time can heal this but sometimes you can never forget. This video is amazing
Great video! My husband and I had sex pretty shortly into dating but didn’t marry until 2 years into dating. He’s not just my lover but my best friend.
We need more girls like you in the society....😁
@@finaldestination813 Thanks! In what regard? Lol
Yeah, "friendzoned" is a misnomer, really an euphemism used by people to nicely reject forwarding people.
i have been in and out of love atleast 12 times in my life....i am guy....my diminishing return is too high....i get bored from my partner after 2-3 months...then there is new excitement to meet new person and fall in love again....and it has happened with me 12 times....my goosebumps last for a max of 3 months...then i look for new relation........should i be seeing a psychologist.does this happens with everyone and no one wants to accept it bcos of society pressure ..or i am a free bird types..i am confused...!!!
@@motiverendesitater6882 Read: "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida.
Love is a purposeful course of action and can be quite lengthy. It is immensely more rewarding than the chemical and to some extent the physical definition of love. Romeo and Juliette had nothing to do with love.
came for the obsession, stayed because the love and now i'm crying.
being serious now, really would like to learn more about the obsessive part.
Such wonderful and wise content!! I love the idea of crossing bridges. ☺️ I also loved the brain region study: empathy, emotions, and positive illusions.
There is no guarantee when you live together before. It's about commitment. If you have loyalty and integrity you'll commit before premarital relations. Slow love is not about that.
I really need the explanation for the attraction, attachment, obsession in Twinflame connections that are in separation. Why do all the things we don't do (have sex, stay in touch, novelty things) make us feel connected, attached, passionate, burning longing, even in a deeper level than we do with our official partner? And what about soul? How do you define soul?
I spread love and light to all the twinflames in separation out there. Wish you a beautiful reunion sooner with your twin ❤️🌹
You don't find love..... Love finds you. 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
I have never felt any of these feelings, as I have always been single. Never had a crush.
🤝🏻
Try cocaine. Same thing, just better. And cheaper.
Aromantic?
@@lumbratile4174 nah, just no luck at all with the ladies. They just don't notice me.
@@KrunchyTheClown78 But you've never had a crush, why would women noticing you change that
I think we're looking at it wrong. We've made love into a "synthetic" drug, but it's supposed to be a psychedelic. It expands our universe. If the universe collapses into a black hole when love moves along (its purpose of expansion fulfilled), then you didn't meet love halfway...you were merely possessed by it. (Psychedelics are non-addictive; in fact, they can help us overcome addictions.)
Wowww.... so so much relatable....
Basically now a days only people are falling because of infatuation and hence they feel disturbed at their work or studies.... but reality is that we rise in love rather than fall
Dopamine is involved regardless. Serotonin too.
@@womaninthewave Yes, dopamine is the neurotransmitter of novel experience, like the psychedelic. We follow that feeling to expand our consciousness. We follow it toward wholeness, well-being. But instead of integrating the experiences that come with it, we hang on to just the feeling & only wish to repeat the novel introduction. This is why psychedelics themselves are so misunderstood: they are teachers, and they leave us with homework. So does love. But we want all the reward, all the time. In steps the pharmaceutical industry, to tell us something is wrong with our brains. No, the problem is that we've attempted to reduce all slow human ritual, and the mind-body-soul itself, to the level of grace of a Coke machine.
I believe in the benefits of psychedelics and I am very witchy and stuff like that but from personal experience, especially if you are someone that is genetically prone to ocd and addiction what they said is very relatable. :(
@@vil4038 Yes, and relatable is good and very comforting. But we're making a big mistake thinking relatable = reality. I'm just presenting the other side of it for whom it may benefit :)
That's why a sudden break up feels like a huge withdrawal that you have to go through. Just with the difference that the time being "addicted" didn't necessarily harm you like a drug would, but maybe only the person that initiated the breakup, so getting away from that makes it even harder
Someone made me fall in love but he didn’t feel the same as he was used to practicing making women feel this way and had had many many partners. They loose the ability to attach. If you encounter someone like that, run, they will destroy you.
Love is not like cocaine. Lust is like cocaine.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV)
A secular marriage is a collision of two immoral people, in it for their own selfish purposes.
Dam! Love feels like a full time job!That ain't right, I already have a job
You can may be wt the wrong f partner, life is to short to waste time on the wrong person‼️Go inside yourself and find the answer, nature is healing so try to be where there are trees and grass, you can may find the answer in an inviorment like that‼️Try to be in the present moment, and don't do something or be wt others all the time, by yourself you can go within and the answers will come‼️👍
It is indeed an addiction. I wish I could’ve done things differently during my last relationship. It’s been three months after the breakup with my last bf but I cannot get over him yet. Now I wanna become a better person for my next relationship. He left me because I was obsessed with him. I will follow the advice that were talked in this video to my next relationship if I ever have a chance to meet someone.
I’ve falling in love once. That love for that person fell through and the only love I have now is for my children, parents and siblings
That’s what I grew up watching, that romantic love doesn’t exist or at least doesn’t last, I saw it with my parents, with the partners of my family, always, no exception, so now I don’t believe in it cause I never had a foundation of true romantic love example in my life 🤷🏻♀️ it’s sad and it breaks my heart that the only through films I will experience love even though it’s fictional 🥺
The love of my life passed years ago and I still feel that longing.
Drug hits hard.
*_1_* What is the meaning of life? To go beyond the self-centered activity of the mind, which is *_love._*
*_2_* Love is the foundation of everything good-love for whatever you do and for others.
*_3_* When love is, the self is not.
*_4_* The US has the most psychologists, psychiatrists, and couples therapists in the world...and yet we have a divorce rate of about 50%, increasing domestic violence, increasing sexual assaults (even on children), and increasing femicides, which the coronavirus pandemic has worsened.
💕 ☮ 🌎 🌌
Get money out of mental health
"love is, when the self is not." Truth!
The only video one would need about maintaining a healthy relationship. Informative, educational, focused and organized. Amazing work!
The person that I love was a drug addict. 2 years clean. He passed away very recently. I once asked him if he was using me to replace his dopamine high and he said, "No!! ....maybe?" I've been feeling distraught since he passed away but this video has me relieved that at the very least he passed away before me in this lifetime because if it were the other way around he'd likely relapse to find a dopamine fill somewhere else. I just miss my person very much
Hey Vanessa, really sad to hear that you’re having to deal with the loss of someone so close to you. I hope you found a way to deal with this in the meantime and I hope you’ve got people to share your thoughts and feelings with!
All the best for you!
It's like a sine wave, goes through all ups and downs. The real magic is to hold to it. Some wonderful days always comes after hard days.
Nah. Not sine. /
I have fallen in love and been loved - after all of them I've only met one woman I never got over and I pushed her away. I currently have the ideal wife - yet still that part of me is missing - I don't agree it is just chemical - before this woman I would've agreed 100%- after her nothing compares. I can't say what she experienced -but my whole world changed-I was in denial of the change until I attempted other relationships and everything felt wrong- but that is my new reality.
Wow. The human condition is an interesting one-and there will always be things that we just can’t explain.
What made you fall in love with her. If you don't mine
How are you able to be loyal to your wife now? I feel like that would absolutely rip me to shreds mentally and make me depressed if I was with somebody who was sort of like a compromise ... that’s not to sound harsh, but that’s to put it in the most simple and truthful words
@@gsanchez5116 same
that's deep
This is so fascinating, for a long lasting relationship I think communication is a big one and intimacy not just sex but spending time together to!
Chemistry usually defines how much love you have for a lover… chemistry drives you to stay with them through everything. So if you don’t have strong chemistry love can be easy to get over
People fall in love with the concept of love then the addiction hits.
Hi 👍🙏
Love Helen Fischer’s work on this. Glad to see her findings here.
I must be stronger than I realize. I was dumped recently by someone I loved and I’ve managed to resist the temptation to call them and keep pleading. It’s been over a month and I feel a bit better
Why were you dumped. The man should try to come back depending. She might be waiting on you
my neurotransmitters have not settled out for 25 years....I intensely love just one person....love so much my entire body vibrates when I am with this person. this person is my man. we are addicted to each other. yes we obsess over each other....it feels liberating...
Thank you 🙏 for your support BIG THINK.
Not surprised. You are thinkers.
You are not personalities. You are not known for your personality but for your well thought out contributions to society at large.
I'm curious when these interviews were recorded. Society and dating have become a lot more intricate and some of the statements here (e.g. exploring before marriage) feel a bit dated and gullible, but the fundamental truths about managing feelings holds up. Pretty good crash course on the fundamentals of a healthy relationship
Thank you Helen Fisher for validating why I chose to be single. 😔 Made me cry…. It’s true I’m being cautious… so afraid to be hurt. I’m fine on my own for these past 6 yrs being single but currently starting to feel really lonely.
Relationship can end when children come along, because as much as someone knows their partner, children change the dynamics.
'we're built to love' I love that!