We met and developed a friendship over some months before the kissing started. Then we were a couple for two years until we married 65 years ago. We had ups and downs but we worked on working them out and we learned interpersonal skills. When we celebrated our 50th many people came to the party and cheered the way we got along. We had learned to play and we could turn any problem into play and work it out by our 50th. The last 5 to 10 years were. pure joy. Now I grieve because she is gone, but I also cherish that pain because it reminds me how strong and joyful and dedicated we were to each other. I embrace grief and recommed others to try.
i realize there already a lot of research out there (fischer, gottman, tatkin. etc) but specifically your comment about turning any problem into play and working it out sounds very interesting. have you documented it anywhere or mentored younger couples on it?
How to sustain a long-term partnership: 1. Continuously satisfy the sex drive of the brain 2. Novelty- do new things together continuously, even if its something small 3. Be physically close to each other to continuously build and sustain attachment 4. Say nice things to them 5. Have empathy 6. Control your emotions
My husband does none of this and has been cruising on my patience for twenty two years. I am fit, attractive and have needs. He, on the other hand, has never taken care of his body, looks, and now expects me to forgive him for the decades of neglect and lack of companionship. I’m just riding this out until our last child is ready to leave. Then I’m out!
I don't think everyone's list is going to be the same. Sex isn't very important to a lot of people; and I don't particularly like compliments. Empathy is good; processing your emotions instead of projecting them is great. I also don't particularly need someone around me all the time. That sounds exhausting.
Also, trying to find a way to have both of you needs met. In order to realize the other person's needs, both need to communicate to each other honestly
Everybody seems to be goin from relationship to relationship, ending up with a long line of ex's simply because there is a mentality about plenty more fish in the sea and finding the "Perfect" partner. SO instead it seems to me people are less likely to stick together and have each others back Because when things go sour or hard times come, they leave instead of growing together and getting through problems together. But is that really love when you only wanna be there in a perfect relationship for the good times only? love isn't finding someone perfect. it's loving someone imperfect
+miko poo You are right this would be a terrible development. But I think we nowadays underestimate the number of really really bad marriages in the past were they kept only a nice facade but internally it was rotten. Nowadays you just leave. I am in favor of a long term commitment and not leaving instantly when problems occur (my shortest relationship was 10 years). But this can be done with or without papers. It's a thing of the couple, not the church or the state.
I think the same but at the same time then, could anything justify leaving somebody? Because look, I talked to somebody for 4 years, but I left because I thought it was toxic and it didn’t feel right. But I knew he loved me. Should I not have left?
So, if I want to learn how to love better, I guess I should learn: * How to be more empathetic * How to control and manage my own emotions * How to have hope for and being more optimistic about the future In general, I should try to be less annoyed by tinny things or traits and more pragmatical instead.
My husband and I waited 16 years. We went through a lot of up's and downs in the beginning (about 15 years old till 20). It wasnt as easy as some say to grow up and in love with someone. But NOW 18 years later... We've been married for almost 2 years and I freaking adore this person. I got exactly what I wanted, which was to be with one partner forever ❤️
It's true what Dr. Helen Fisher says. My husband and I were together long distance for 3 years on a roller coaster ride of emotions before we got married. Our first 2 years of marriage was tough, learning to adjust to each other's different quirks and habits. We're now married for 17 years, totally into each other, with a lot of give and take, complement and supplement.
I don't think the romantic type of love is special. And I am started to think that the romantic type of love isn't real. I mean about more than half of romantic couples either break up with each other or divorce each other, while most platonic best friends remain friends until death. I think that having a platonic best friend is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse is. Having someone who's like a sibling to you is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse. Also, you are more likely to be much more closer to someone who's like a brother or sister to you than you would be with a romantic partner or spouse. People tend to fight with their partner or spouse a lot more than they do with a platonic best friend, and you never fight with your best friend the way you fight with your partner or spouse. Partners and spouses are just temporary. If you break up or divorce them, it's hard to go back to them. With your platonic best friend, you're going to make things work, because they are your best friend, they are your go to partner. It's always easier to make amends with them than it is with a romantic partner or spouse.
@@icysnow57cold64Hate to break it to you but a lot of people don't keep best friends for their entire lives. I have had multiple "best friends" and they all have eventually moved on and some of them never considered me their best friend but they were mine. Also these two different types of relationships aren't excluding one another so don't compare them in that manner. Most if not all need both a best friend and a romantic relationship. One does not replace the other. They could be the same person for some people but you still need both roles to be fulfilled. I once saw a study that claimed that you need about 7 different consistent roles in your life preferably from 7 different people. You just sound confused really because you cannot replace a romantic relationship with a platonic one. It just doesn't work like that.
Very true, I'll remarried my partner over again and again after 25 yrs. He lets me be myself For instance, when my son started high school, I went back to school to become a teacher. He had not objection in taking care of the family while I was away. He loves me the way I'm;a bit crazy, impulsive, kind, caring, funny, stubborn, determine, and strong woman but respectful and loving. He tells me nice things when I am not at my best and focus on the " positive illusion"of our relationship. Priority ( our family) and respect are the keys ...no put downs or belittling. He has his hobbies and I have mine, but we both enjoy travelling, meeting new people and helping kids in our community.
1. Overlook what you don't like 2. Focus on what you do like 3. Express empathy for the partner 4. Regulate your own emotions 5. Have sex with the partner 6. Do novel things together 7. "Stay in touch" (simple physical touch) 8. Say 2-5 nice things a day about the partner to the partner
Fell in love with someone on the literal other side of the planet and we for sure worked it out! Coming up on our tenth wedding anniversary and still in love with each other.
wise words that I learned from Bill Murray it's before you even decide to get married travel to a different country with them for a week or two that way neither one of you have anything to fall back on so you get to know the true person. No friends or family to run to its just you two being able to work out problems. And if it doesn't work out at least you got to see another country
I did that with my husband but hadn't planned it that way. I enrolled in a study-abroad program before we met and left for Austria a few months later. He saved up all summer and came to visit me for 2 wks that winter. Now, 11 yrs later, we still travel the world together every chance we get.
I am 41 still single, had been in over 12 relations...no , i am not a casinova..i am just looking for a girl/woman, who is responsible enough to , accept their mistakes in life sportingly and graciously.....all those whom i have met....they have , vielded themselves with the fact they, they are always right....such a pity, i am not able to find a , straight forward self honest individual...!!!
I think that the problem with a lot of people is that they are addicted- using that word loosely- to the dopamine rush of the heady days of new romance, the excitement of falling in love, and do not understand or appreciate what constitutes a deeper attachment. When the delirium of new love wears off, they think they aren't in love anymore or the relationship has grown stale, as opposed to stable. They think that with the "right person" or their "soul mate" that intensity of feeling will be sustained forever, and they look to a new person to get that rush again, which inevitably wears off also. They abandon relationships that could be perfectly functional and sustainable in search of an overly romanticized ideal, and won't ever find it, because their expectations sabotage them.
I feel I’m wired differently. Thinking of another man touching and hugging me feels kinda gross. I’ve been in a stable relationship for 10 years, there’s both boring and passionate moments. It’s a part of life. Constantly seeking passion is tiring
@@eatnplaytoday Well, there's nothing wrong with that. Others feel that eventual separations are natural and monogamy isn't as sustainable now that we live longer, and a relationship running it's course doesn't mean it failed. Those people aren't dopamine addicts either. Either way is okay, as long as you aren't making yourself or other people miserable.
"Maybe it's not recklessness, maybe it's caution." I can't believe how much more sense this makes to me than to frown on early sexual and intimate behavior (including living together). Such a simple comment, yet the viewpoint behind it is so profound. I really think today's couples are making wiser decisions in how they approach relationships than they did 50-70 years ago.
Rather than finding someone perfect, find someone who is willing to learn and grow and change for good. "Its not about having it all, its about choosing one person and making it work!" and ofcrs it should be both ways! The willingness to grow, to learn and to change for good ofcrs should be both ways!
Doing it 100% opposite this time. Taking almost a year now to get to know the woman I'm interested in . We date, spend a lot of time together, but no sex. No kissing . Just cuddling...Very powerful position I'm in.
@@RaqMor13 not shallow at all, it's a simple practicality. Ending up in a relationship with someone you start caring about and realising that you aren't sexually compatible is far worse, than just going your separate ways after a few dates. It's best to know this before starting anything serious in order to avoid any awkwardness, hurt feelings or crazy behaviours.
@@dawnriddler There is no such thing as "aren't sexually compatible," as sex is not a definitive thing. There are obviously people who are good at it and people bad at it, but that has zero to do with compatibility. If you are compatible with someone, you absolutely can tell before any physicalities start. If you have sex with someone, and then realize you're not compatible at all, you're just breaking down the dopamine centers (along with oxytocin) in the ventral tegmental area of the brain, making it harder to build romantic attachments to even suitable partners.
@@shikamaru281281Do you not know how sex works? People have different sex drives, roles, like different things, and different things make them orgasm. If person A wants to have sex 4 times a day and person B once a week, you aren't sexually compatible. If both of you are passive in bed, your sex life isn't going anywhere, same if you are both tops and aren't interested in switching. Not to mention kinks and fetishes. Let's say your partner can get off only if you piss on them, and this isn't something you are comfortable with. Which again means "you aren't sexually compatible" . There's no such thing as good and bad at it, cause every person is different and has different needs.
~7:17 "Those people who are married an average of 21 years, who are still madly in love with their partner, showed activity in three brain regions: a brain-region linked with empathy, a brain-region linked with controlling your own emotions and a brain-region linked with what we call positive illusions. The simple ability, but sometimes hard: to overlook what you don't like about somebody and focus on then what you do. Last but not least: we have now known that if you say several nice things to your partner everyday - I would suggest 5 but if you can only pull off 2 or 3 whatever - say nice things to your partner, that actually reduces their cholesterol, reduces their cortisol (which is the stress-hormone) and boosts their immune system but it also boosts yours. "So what the brain says about a happy long-term partnership is: > overlook what you don't like and focus on what you do > express empathy for the partner > control your own emotions > have sex with the partner > do novel things together > stay in touch and > say several nice things everyday "
I see friends and coworkers in and out of relationships omg it’s insane. Just how people rush into things, they just want everything fast boom boom boom. A happy relationship that lasts takes commitment and time. It simply cannot be rushed.
Before I married my husband of 20 years. I was told by a friend who is a psychiatrist try a free ride for two years in the same roof because you will see if you are compatible with each other. I took her advised and happy ever after. I have a wonderful husband. For me compatibility, and respect to each other are two main thing that worked for us.
When we laugh, we know each other's very well, but when we get mad, we don't know each other's very well. Thats because getting mad doesn't happen very often. So let's work it out, know and understand how to deal with one another each time we get mad and the outcomes of the arguments we have won't be damaging. It'll get better every time.
Why the fuck do you need to get married in the first place. Why not just love eachother and be happy, you don't need some official status of marriage to show your lifelong love for eachother.
Benefits, your partner is from another country and you want them to gain citizenship, medical reasons-so the hospital can't discriminate against you or keep you from making medical decisions, I could probably think of more, but those are the ones relevant to me.
Not getting married to the person you love is like saying to yourself that you will always have a way to live safely without any kind of responsibility. Mariage is about commitment and sacrifice...stupid kid.
treebeard In today society marriage is a right and can have many different benefits so its not only an emotional bond but also a life time contract with your significant other.
That advice at the end I did all of those things in my last relationship. Feels so hard to find someone else to do what should be obviously good advice
a lack of commitment to marriage is what causes divorce. studies show that sliding into a relationship is the antithesis to committing into a relationship. it's not a true "test drive" analogy that people think it is. when test driving a car, the car doesn't change over time. So you get a good feel of what the car will be like in 5 years. however, people change. so long term relationships, like marriage, require commitment in order for it to succeed. I'm not saying marriage is required for a relationship to succeed, but commitment to each other is vital. i like her comments on dating good things to each other everyday. there is good brain science behind that.
@@florencenoeman1113 Well, attraction is a mental work. There are a lot of attractive people but if you move to another person because you feel temporary attraction to them eventually that attraction will die out as well. This is why people can't settle down they are traveling from person to person and end up alone at the end.
Thank you soo soo much for this video, it gave me hope. Firstly I was very pessimistic about long term relationships and i did a lot of research about the human brain and the fading of love over time, that makes me really depressed. I really wish that loves lasts for ever, but your advice gives me hope.
The unspoken downside of "long love" is the utter shattering of the heart after a two-year-long breakup. What Dr. Fisher fails to recognize is that a breakup after a two-year long relationship is just as emotionally damaging as a divorce. Your community is ripped in two, your entire psyche goes into numbness and pain, and you're even more afraid of commitment. And forget the fact that, if all your sexual safeguards ever once fail, and a pregnancy occurs, you either have a child or go through the complete emotional wreckage of an abortion. Her advice, in my opinion, is actually a huge part of the problem of broken families. The answer to the facts she presents - that we are irrational while in love - is to have leadership and community in our lives to help us make the wise and important decision of marriage. You don't need two years. You need, among many things, wise guidance.
The words of wisdom, I said that before I read your comment. Hook UP culture is a temporary phenomenon, there is a lot of downsides that comes with hook up culture, it is all about sex and temporary pleasure. Pregnancies, abortions and people contract HIV during that hook up episodes, she fails to address it for sure, besides people end up with long term mental issues and PTSD.
There are no "soul mates", no "perfect partner". Yes, there's attraction, things in common. But the goal is to create and develop a trusting, compassionate relationship. You choose to build it. So do it.
I am still trying to figure out who I married 40 years ago. But I have figured out two things. 1) we have a Christ centered marriage; and 2) a day does not go by that we don't get silly with one another and have a good laugh. Seriously, we really enjoy ourselves and each other. I can not tell you how many times our grown daughter rolls her eyes and gives us that 'Oh God there they go again' look.
What does an imaginary diety have to do with love and marriage? Do you fantasize about christ during sex? Either kinky or sick and wrong. Religion is not necessary to have a long-term and fulfilling marriage!
Affection should be the most simple and common act in a relationship so this kind of advice is a bit redundant. the fact that affection is lacking is not going to cause issues because somethings already wrong. The most important part of relationships are being able to take care of each other, expressing fully how you feel, and loyalty. Anyone can hug and kiss and cuddle. But it really takes someone special for to be able to lean on them for anything, and can be yourself around without judgement. She's really forgetting a lot. There's a reason people are afraid of marriege for more than just devorce.
I waited 5 years before I married my ex, this is not exactly an indication. Yes, dating and getting to know the person is extremely important, but at the same time people don't know much about personality disorders. People with personality disorders are great chameleons, they can portray themselves well intentioned and keep on pretending for a very long time. Psychopaths can wait for years before they trap you in relationship. So, knowing the traits of unhealthy behavior is very important as well as recognizing covert abuse. Since you study brain and psychology, you should know that not everyone is capable of empathy. People that on the spectrum of Cluster B disorders are born different, it passes on genetically, they are incapable of empathy. Sex won't fix dysfunctional relationship, it will just make things worse because you get addicted to abuser who enjoys emotionally torment you. I think the most important thing is to teach people recognizing abusive behavior and traits of Cluster B, not getting involved with those types of people in the first place is what will make society healthy. As of right now there are no cure for Narcissism, Sociopathy and Psychopathy, overlooking abuse is not a going mental health strategy, we should not shame people who has gone through painful divorce, because for some people that was an escape from emotional and psychological prison, staying and tolerating unhealthy behavior wont lead to anything productive, it will lead to chaos. I think "hook up" culture is a result of freedom that people didn't have before. As you said they want to try everything before their life is over. The problem is people that live in hook up culture get addicted to it, then they can't commit to anybody because its never enough, never enough attention, never enough stimulation. I would say its complete opposite affect, I hear a lot of people talking and condemning the hook up culture, the hook up culture isn't about getting to know somebody, Hook UP culture is purely based on lust and sex. I feel we will have a lot of lonely people after all this hooking up settles down, at the same time there will be lots people that can pass on the wisdom to other people. Essentially, that wisdom comes from bad choices and negative experiences.
I'm comfortable with the idea I will likely be alone as I'm nearly in my mid-30's and have never had sex, though it has been presented to me in past relationships, due to the fact that I really feel no desire for it; I personally find it distasteful the same way people find certain animals or life-styles distasteful. Because you can't have a relationship without sex, it's pretty much a "that's gonna be a 'no' for me, bro" situation. If I had a choice, I'd rather live my life with a good friend. The best memories for me were always when I was a child and with my friends: there were no pressures, biological or otherwise, to physically please yourself or someone else in the relationship just to feel happy and fulfilled.
eHarmony worked well for my wife and I. The screening and guided introduction did the hard work for us and saved us the 2 or 3 years of “getting to know each other”. After 14 years of marriage, I can say this has been the best relationship I’ve ever had. The scientific approach has been a tremendous time saver and we wouldn’t have found each other without it. Luck is fickle, science is better.
The secret is easy. There are no better one out there. The grass isnt always greener on the other side. Water yours. Focus on yours only. Sometimes the secret is when both side know they want to settle down
What if you’re friends for a while, like over two years, have a crush on each other, then eventually become intimate and fall in love, commit to each other, and then she sleeps with another man and blames it on alcohol and the pain meds…would u accept her back?
@@certifiedthorganic8581 Do some research on the medicine she was taking and any side affects when combined with alcohol. Was she really stressed out or was she tricked? Might not be the right time for these songs . Jose Cuervos Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off Baby I'm Amazed By You
2:55 Helen cites a study about whether couples who cohabitate first feel like they they would choose to get married again. The problem is that she doesn't say what percentage of those who didn't cohabitate first said they would marry that person again. Also, other studies have measured the more objective metric of rates of divorce. Couples who cohabitate first are more likely to divorce than those that don't.
00:06 Assuming that everyone wants or feels that they want to be in a romantic relationship/marriage is untrue. Some people, seeing who is out there, realize they are better off, remaining celibate & single.
This all seems very good and positive but on the downside it also seems if it fails then you’ve set yourself up to have a terrible experience if you break up after giving yourself to your partner like the way she describes.
Nah, not at all. People just judge you, make a bunch of assumptions about you, and they pretty much stick with those assumptions, whether they outright reject their image of you in their heads or idolize it. Although if they idolize you they may make new assumptions over time.
My hubs and i dated for 3 years, then lived together for another 4, then got married….we have been together 22 years now. While the slow pace was due to my spouse, i think it worked for us.
Love is continuous hard work and growing in harmony !! There is no ideal person or relationship to obtain WE ALL WANT TO HOLD ONTO SOMTHING RELIABLE AND HAVE CONTROL (Learn how to "let go") Healthy relationships have nothing to do with marriage WORK HARD AND GROW WORK HARD AND GROW Keep it Together Its hard enough work to STAY in LOVE with YOURSELF
Really glad the video as long as it is, I liked the longer videos you did but recently it seems like way more sub 5 minute clips, this is way better than those little grabs
My wife and I are about to celebrate 17 years. We have argued 0 times. We have fought 0 times. We have shouted at each other 0 times. Most relationship advice we see looks contrived, formulaic, and mostly just odd to us.
as animals, the goal of love is to have sex and create the next generation, "marriage" is a good way to ensure the next generation get the best attention and care possible from both parents. this "long time" before marriage/child is a sign that humans are so prosperous that they don't even care about procreation anymore. or maybe the stress causing humans don't breed because the situation is tough to raise children
When men want to "get to know" a woman, they really just want to have sex. If the women has sex with him early on (before he has the chance to emotionally bond with her) it will most often be an easy come, easy go/situationship. Men are hunters so ladies, make him earn sex if you want a relationship. Be his friend first, not friends with benefits. But as his friend, that way he can learn who you are and you learn about him. Don't give him the candy shop (have sex, live together, have kids, do girlfriend and wife things, etc.) in exchange for a relationship, because you will be short changed and mad. You will become bitter and cold if YOU let it happen too many times. Women! We hold so much power! USE IT! Love y'all!
I think there's truth in her statement that we are going to have happy marriages instead of just being married and not getting divorced..two years is a good time frame as well before getting settled.
Metabolism correction--> third eye opening--> choose partner simple and heal each other via thoughts and later on with positive energy photons become power couple --> and ignite and enlighten entire world simple 😊🙏❤️
When someone is in love, they won't judge but have a brain to correct the environment instead..and when you actually judge, you don't accept them into your lives, love is knowing and adjusting to what we already have.. spending the 'good deal of time' comes from loving the person anyway
George Holt The reason divorce is up is because the law financially incentivizes women to get divorced. And a lot of women then go for the opportunity.
Marriage has many benefits in the United states economically. Not to be confused with love nor a wedding. Though find that special someone before getting married as it is more beneficial in the lifelong relationship.
Don't overlook what you don't like about your partner as that's a recipe for abuse - communicate what you don't like about them. Not sure about control your own emotions' what about 'learn to express your emotions effectively' - be a powerhouse but not an atom bomb.
No, the woman might need to slow down because the woman tends to be attracted to the wrong men. But the man, if he truly falls in love and if you are the man you should feel the difference very clearly between love and lust or relatively mild infatuation, then he does not need to slow down and if he is truly in love, his feelings will NEVER lessen one iota. Men have a sixth sense about who is the right girl for him and he is the right man for her (and yes, I am using girl here to note a young, attractive woman-men are usually attracted to younger women because they are fertile and older women are not). What shapes a happy marriage for a woman is this passion that the man has for her that lasts for the rest of their lives. Why do men select the right girl but women tend to be drawn to the wrong man? Jane Austen noticed these problems in her novels, especially *Pride & Prejudice* and *Sense & Sensibility.* First is women tend to be viscerally attracted to men who are very different from themselves physically. This tendency contributes to her children having fewer genetic flaws but biological differences also affect temperament. People with very different temperaments usually, but not always, are less likely to be compatible over time. This is why the woman should wait to make sure that the man is right for her and she is not being affected by this instinct which can lead her astray. Men do not share this tendency. In fact, men's sixth sense points more similarity between him and the lady. Similarity, not difference, leads to a greater probability of compatibility as opposed to complementarity. Second, women tend to be drawn to jerks or troubled men. The Dark Triad of Narcissism, being manipulative, and extreme lack of empathy is appealing to quite a few women such as Jane Austen herself who based such as character in *Pride & Prejudice,* George Wickham, on a man she had fallen for in real life. Likely, the underlying sense is that these men will gain more power and wealth. That ain't necessarily so, but a lot of women and a lot of men think so. Nice guys finish first, e.g. Bruce Botchy winning multiple World Series with different teams. Men, in contrast, prefer kind-hearted women with a pleasant disposition. Naturally, this type of character is much more likely to make for a cooperative mate with an empathetic, caring disposition.
![[안방1열 풀캠4K] 베이비몬스터 'DRIP' (BABYMONSTER FullCam)│@SBS Inkigayo 241110](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/AQ4RIghEvUs/mqdefault.jpg)
Want to get Smarter, Faster?
Subscribe for DAILY videos: bigth.ink/GetSmarter
We met and developed a friendship over some months before the kissing started. Then we were a couple for two years until we married 65 years ago. We had ups and downs but we worked on working them out and we learned interpersonal skills. When we celebrated our 50th many people came to the party and cheered the way we got along. We had learned to play and we could turn any problem into play and work it out by our 50th. The last 5 to 10 years were. pure joy. Now I grieve because she is gone, but I also cherish that pain because it reminds me how strong and joyful and dedicated we were to each other. I embrace grief and recommed others to try.
Thank you very much for sharing your story.
i realize there already a lot of research out there (fischer, gottman, tatkin. etc) but specifically your comment about turning any problem into play and working it out sounds very interesting. have you documented it anywhere or mentored younger couples on it?
Im sorry for your loss 😢 what a beautiful story, thanks for sharing it
Sorry for your loss. Sounds like you guys lived your love life fully.❤
How to sustain a long-term partnership:
1. Continuously satisfy the sex drive of the brain
2. Novelty- do new things together continuously, even if its something small
3. Be physically close to each other to continuously build and sustain attachment
4. Say nice things to them
5. Have empathy
6. Control your emotions
+ Positive delusion (overlook what you don't like and focus on what you do like)
And hope that the other one does the same 😅
My husband does none of this and has been cruising on my patience for twenty two years. I am fit, attractive and have needs. He, on the other hand, has never taken care of his body, looks, and now expects me to forgive him for the decades of neglect and lack of companionship. I’m just riding this out until our last child is ready to leave. Then I’m out!
I don't think everyone's list is going to be the same. Sex isn't very important to a lot of people; and I don't particularly like compliments. Empathy is good; processing your emotions instead of projecting them is great. I also don't particularly need someone around me all the time. That sounds exhausting.
Also, trying to find a way to have both of you needs met. In order to realize the other person's needs, both need to communicate to each other honestly
Everybody seems to be goin from relationship to relationship, ending up with a long line of ex's simply because there is a mentality about plenty more fish in the sea and finding the "Perfect" partner. SO instead it seems to me people are less likely to stick together and have each others back Because when things go sour or hard times come, they leave instead of growing together and getting through problems together. But is that really love when you only wanna be there in a perfect relationship for the good times only? love isn't finding someone perfect. it's loving someone imperfect
+miko poo
You are right this would be a terrible development. But I think we nowadays underestimate the number of really really bad marriages in the past were they kept only a nice facade but internally it was rotten. Nowadays you just leave.
I am in favor of a long term commitment and not leaving instantly when problems occur (my shortest relationship was 10 years). But this can be done with or without papers. It's a thing of the couple, not the church or the state.
+miko poo
thanks for the important life advice, guy with his tits out in his profile photo
miko poo
I thought you'd never ask
this is not match bro ham.... shut it down
I think the same but at the same time then, could anything justify leaving somebody? Because look, I talked to somebody for 4 years, but I left because I thought it was toxic and it didn’t feel right. But I knew he loved me. Should I not have left?
"before you decide to marry somebody, spend a good deal of time with them"
that's solid advice right there!
+masterjosch i have been with my gf for 10 years we are about to tie the knot
marry*
+masterjosch Better advice is to never sign a contract that binds your relationship to the state.
I had the same thought, but you need to keep on watching until 1:13
yeah why buy the cow, if you get the milk for free?
So, if I want to learn how to love better, I guess I should learn:
* How to be more empathetic
* How to control and manage my own emotions
* How to have hope for and being more optimistic about the future
In general, I should try to be less annoyed by tinny things or traits and more pragmatical instead.
My husband and I waited 16 years. We went through a lot of up's and downs in the beginning (about 15 years old till 20). It wasnt as easy as some say to grow up and in love with someone. But NOW 18 years later... We've been married for almost 2 years and I freaking adore this person. I got exactly what I wanted, which was to be with one partner forever ❤️
It's true what Dr. Helen Fisher says. My husband and I were together long distance for 3 years on a roller coaster ride of emotions before we got married. Our first 2 years of marriage was tough, learning to adjust to each other's different quirks and habits. We're now married for 17 years, totally into each other, with a lot of give and take, complement and supplement.
I don't think the romantic type of love is special. And I am started to think that the romantic type of love isn't real. I mean about more than half of romantic couples either break up with each other or divorce each other, while most platonic best friends remain friends until death.
I think that having a platonic best friend is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse is. Having someone who's like a sibling to you is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse. Also, you are more likely to be much more closer to someone who's like a brother or sister to you than you would be with a romantic partner or spouse.
People tend to fight with their partner or spouse a lot more than they do with a platonic best friend, and you never fight with your best friend the way you fight with your partner or spouse. Partners and spouses are just temporary. If you break up or divorce them, it's hard to go back to them. With your platonic best friend, you're going to make things work, because they are your best friend, they are your go to partner. It's always easier to make amends with them than it is with a romantic partner or spouse.
@@icysnow57cold64 Dunno how great your best friends are but best friendships can easily fall apart too
@@icysnow57cold64Hate to break it to you but a lot of people don't keep best friends for their entire lives. I have had multiple "best friends" and they all have eventually moved on and some of them never considered me their best friend but they were mine. Also these two different types of relationships aren't excluding one another so don't compare them in that manner. Most if not all need both a best friend and a romantic relationship. One does not replace the other. They could be the same person for some people but you still need both roles to be fulfilled. I once saw a study that claimed that you need about 7 different consistent roles in your life preferably from 7 different people. You just sound confused really because you cannot replace a romantic relationship with a platonic one. It just doesn't work like that.
"We're built to love." Love this quote
Very true, I'll remarried my partner over again and again after 25 yrs. He lets me be myself For instance, when my son started high school, I went back to school to become a teacher. He had not objection in taking care of the family while I was away. He loves me the way I'm;a bit crazy, impulsive, kind, caring, funny, stubborn, determine, and strong woman but respectful and loving. He tells me nice things when I am not at my best and focus on the " positive illusion"of our relationship. Priority ( our family) and respect are the keys ...no put downs or belittling. He has his hobbies and I have mine, but we both enjoy travelling, meeting new people and helping kids in our community.
It’s so great to hear that you and your partner are still doing well after 25 years! It gives me hope :)
1. Overlook what you don't like
2. Focus on what you do like
3. Express empathy for the partner
4. Regulate your own emotions
5. Have sex with the partner
6. Do novel things together
7. "Stay in touch" (simple physical touch)
8. Say 2-5 nice things a day about the partner to the partner
Fell in love with someone on the literal other side of the planet and we for sure worked it out! Coming up on our tenth wedding anniversary and still in love with each other.
Congratulations! It takes two committed empathic people to make it work.
That’s amazing!
Thars so beautiful - Me 2 🥰
You still banging multiple times a week?
The last 3 years have been rough since posting this. Almost ended it, but we pulled thru!
wise words that I learned from Bill Murray it's before you even decide to get married travel to a different country with them for a week or two that way neither one of you have anything to fall back on so you get to know the true person. No friends or family to run to its just you two being able to work out problems. And if it doesn't work out at least you got to see another country
I did that with my husband but hadn't planned it that way. I enrolled in a study-abroad program before we met and left for Austria a few months later. He saved up all summer and came to visit me for 2 wks that winter. Now, 11 yrs later, we still travel the world together every chance we get.
+Lena Lao that's beautiful
What if you are a poor Indian or African and can't afford traveling abroad. Would going to another province work?
I am 41 still single, had been in over 12 relations...no , i am not a casinova..i am just looking for a girl/woman, who is responsible enough to , accept their mistakes in life sportingly and graciously.....all those whom i have met....they have , vielded themselves with the fact they, they are always right....such a pity, i am not able to find a , straight forward self honest individual...!!!
Great idea...
I think that the problem with a lot of people is that they are addicted- using that word loosely- to the dopamine rush of the heady days of new romance, the excitement of falling in love, and do not understand or appreciate what constitutes a deeper attachment. When the delirium of new love wears off, they think they aren't in love anymore or the relationship has grown stale, as opposed to stable. They think that with the "right person" or their "soul mate" that intensity of feeling will be sustained forever, and they look to a new person to get that rush again, which inevitably wears off also. They abandon relationships that could be perfectly functional and sustainable in search of an overly romanticized ideal, and won't ever find it, because their expectations sabotage them.
exactly , and it’s getting worse every year
I feel I’m wired differently. Thinking of another man touching and hugging me feels kinda gross. I’ve been in a stable relationship for 10 years, there’s both boring and passionate moments. It’s a part of life. Constantly seeking passion is tiring
@@eatnplaytoday Well, there's nothing wrong with that. Others feel that eventual separations are natural and monogamy isn't as sustainable now that we live longer, and a relationship running it's course doesn't mean it failed. Those people aren't dopamine addicts either. Either way is okay, as long as you aren't making yourself or other people miserable.
I have so many flaws myself, my only hope is someone gracious enough to tolerate them while i try to improve.
Happy couples keep paying attention to each other.
"Maybe it's not recklessness, maybe it's caution." I can't believe how much more sense this makes to me than to frown on early sexual and intimate behavior (including living together). Such a simple comment, yet the viewpoint behind it is so profound. I really think today's couples are making wiser decisions in how they approach relationships than they did 50-70 years ago.
She is giving her opinion-keep it in mind. Love is commitment and action.
Rather than finding someone perfect, find someone who is willing to learn and grow and change for good. "Its not about having it all, its about choosing one person and making it work!" and ofcrs it should be both ways! The willingness to grow, to learn and to change for good ofcrs should be both ways!
I'm glad someone recorded this awesome lady sayin stuff and i'm glad she's asking questions and telling us the answers too.
This video was loaded with really good advice.
***** We must be subscribed to all the same channels.
+Shawn Ravenfire You must be the same person
So step 2 - 10 are totally clear now.
Now unto step 1: Finding the parter.
Doing it 100% opposite this time. Taking almost a year now to get to know the woman I'm interested in . We date, spend a lot of time together, but no sex. No kissing . Just cuddling...Very powerful position I'm in.
Would never date someone without sex. If the sex doesn't happen during the first few dates, I won't even bother seeing them anymore.
@@dawnriddlerwell that’s good so all of the decent people know that you’re shallow before things get “serious”
@@RaqMor13 not shallow at all, it's a simple practicality. Ending up in a relationship with someone you start caring about and realising that you aren't sexually compatible is far worse, than just going your separate ways after a few dates. It's best to know this before starting anything serious in order to avoid any awkwardness, hurt feelings or crazy behaviours.
@@dawnriddler There is no such thing as "aren't sexually compatible," as sex is not a definitive thing. There are obviously people who are good at it and people bad at it, but that has zero to do with compatibility. If you are compatible with someone, you absolutely can tell before any physicalities start. If you have sex with someone, and then realize you're not compatible at all, you're just breaking down the dopamine centers (along with oxytocin) in the ventral tegmental area of the brain, making it harder to build romantic attachments to even suitable partners.
@@shikamaru281281Do you not know how sex works? People have different sex drives, roles, like different things, and different things make them orgasm. If person A wants to have sex 4 times a day and person B once a week, you aren't sexually compatible. If both of you are passive in bed, your sex life isn't going anywhere, same if you are both tops and aren't interested in switching. Not to mention kinks and fetishes. Let's say your partner can get off only if you piss on them, and this isn't something you are comfortable with. Which again means "you aren't sexually compatible" . There's no such thing as good and bad at it, cause every person is different and has different needs.
~7:17 "Those people who are married an average of 21 years, who are still madly in love with their partner, showed activity in three brain regions: a brain-region linked with empathy, a brain-region linked with controlling your own emotions and a brain-region linked with what we call positive illusions. The simple ability, but sometimes hard: to overlook what you don't like about somebody and focus on then what you do. Last but not least: we have now known that if you say several nice things to your partner everyday - I would suggest 5 but if you can only pull off 2 or 3 whatever - say nice things to your partner, that actually reduces their cholesterol, reduces their cortisol (which is the stress-hormone) and boosts their immune system but it also boosts yours. "So what the brain says about a happy long-term partnership is:
> overlook what you don't like and focus on what you do
> express empathy for the partner
> control your own emotions
> have sex with the partner
> do novel things together
> stay in touch and
> say several nice things everyday "
"We’re built to love" That was intense...
I see friends and coworkers in and out of relationships omg it’s insane. Just how people rush into things, they just want everything fast boom boom boom. A happy relationship that lasts takes commitment and time. It simply cannot be rushed.
I like the last sentence very much: "We´re build to love"
Before I married my husband of 20 years. I was told by a friend who is a psychiatrist try a free ride for two years in the same roof because you will see if you are compatible with each other. I took her advised and happy ever after. I have a wonderful husband. For me compatibility, and respect to each other are two main thing that worked for us.
I really loved this, Dr. Helen is really easy to listen to. Her advice is money!
When we laugh, we know each other's very well, but when we get mad, we don't know each other's very well. Thats because getting mad doesn't happen very often. So let's work it out, know and understand how to deal with one another each time we get mad and the outcomes of the arguments we have won't be damaging. It'll get better every time.
Why the fuck do you need to get married in the first place. Why not just love eachother and be happy, you don't need some official status of marriage to show your lifelong love for eachother.
Why shouldn't we get married?
Benefits, your partner is from another country and you want them to gain citizenship, medical reasons-so the hospital can't discriminate against you or keep you from making medical decisions, I could probably think of more, but those are the ones relevant to me.
Not getting married to the person you love is like saying to yourself that you will always have a way to live safely without any kind of responsibility. Mariage is about commitment and sacrifice...stupid kid.
Rc Enhancer I find that repulsive, that the bond between two humans should be turned into something else.
treebeard In today society marriage is a right and can have many different benefits so its not only an emotional bond but also a life time contract with your significant other.
Best video I ever watched about sustaining love. Thank you.
That advice at the end I did all of those things in my last relationship. Feels so hard to find someone else to do what should be obviously good advice
I dont know how positive an fwb with love is when one partner doesnt want to commit it just hurts
I just love this woman! So pragmatic yet NICE.
a lack of commitment to marriage is what causes divorce. studies show that sliding into a relationship is the antithesis to committing into a relationship.
it's not a true "test drive" analogy that people think it is. when test driving a car, the car doesn't change over time. So you get a good feel of what the car will be like in 5 years.
however, people change. so long term relationships, like marriage, require commitment in order for it to succeed. I'm not saying marriage is required for a relationship to succeed, but commitment to each other is vital.
i like her comments on dating good things to each other everyday. there is good brain science behind that.
well the lack of commitment might come from the loss of attraction......
@@florencenoeman1113 Well, attraction is a mental work. There are a lot of attractive people but if you move to another person because you feel temporary attraction to them eventually that attraction will die out as well. This is why people can't settle down they are traveling from person to person and end up alone at the end.
@@vkrgfan PREACH
I love listening to Dr Helen Fisher
I'm so glad I found this
Thanks for sharing Dr. Fisher! It makes a lot of sense and...great conclusion :)
Thank you soo soo much for this video, it gave me hope. Firstly I was very pessimistic about long term relationships and i did a lot of research about the human brain and the fading of love over time, that makes me really depressed. I really wish that loves lasts for ever, but your advice gives me hope.
Who said love had to fade? It just goes through different stages.
The unspoken downside of "long love" is the utter shattering of the heart after a two-year-long breakup. What Dr. Fisher fails to recognize is that a breakup after a two-year long relationship is just as emotionally damaging as a divorce. Your community is ripped in two, your entire psyche goes into numbness and pain, and you're even more afraid of commitment. And forget the fact that, if all your sexual safeguards ever once fail, and a pregnancy occurs, you either have a child or go through the complete emotional wreckage of an abortion. Her advice, in my opinion, is actually a huge part of the problem of broken families.
The answer to the facts she presents - that we are irrational while in love - is to have leadership and community in our lives to help us make the wise and important decision of marriage. You don't need two years. You need, among many things, wise guidance.
The words of wisdom, I said that before I read your comment. Hook UP culture is a temporary phenomenon, there is a lot of downsides that comes with hook up culture, it is all about sex and temporary pleasure. Pregnancies, abortions and people contract HIV during that hook up episodes, she fails to address it for sure, besides people end up with long term mental issues and PTSD.
Out of experience, nope, divorce is more devastating for the psyche than a breaking up after two years unmarried.
These are some amazing pieces of advice! Thank you so much!
There are no "soul mates", no "perfect partner". Yes, there's attraction, things in common. But the goal is to create and develop a trusting, compassionate relationship. You choose to build it. So do it.
I am still trying to figure out who I married 40 years ago. But I have figured out two things. 1) we have a Christ centered marriage; and 2) a day does not go by that we don't get silly with one another and have a good laugh. Seriously, we really enjoy ourselves and each other. I can not tell you how many times our grown daughter rolls her eyes and gives us that 'Oh God there they go again' look.
you are lucky dude
What does an imaginary diety have to do with love and marriage? Do you fantasize about christ during sex? Either kinky or sick and wrong. Religion is not necessary to have a long-term and fulfilling marriage!
Thanks for spending the time to create and share this content awareness/perspective
Affection should be the most simple and common act in a relationship so this kind of advice is a bit redundant. the fact that affection is lacking is not going to cause issues because somethings already wrong. The most important part of relationships are being able to take care of each other, expressing fully how you feel, and loyalty. Anyone can hug and kiss and cuddle. But it really takes someone special for to be able to lean on them for anything, and can be yourself around without judgement. She's really forgetting a lot. There's a reason people are afraid of marriege for more than just devorce.
I waited 5 years before I married my ex, this is not exactly an indication. Yes, dating and getting to know the person is extremely important, but at the same time people don't know much about personality disorders. People with personality disorders are great chameleons, they can portray themselves well intentioned and keep on pretending for a very long time. Psychopaths can wait for years before they trap you in relationship. So, knowing the traits of unhealthy behavior is very important as well as recognizing covert abuse. Since you study brain and psychology, you should know that not everyone is capable of empathy.
People that on the spectrum of Cluster B disorders are born different, it passes on genetically, they are incapable of empathy.
Sex won't fix dysfunctional relationship, it will just make things worse because you get addicted to abuser who enjoys emotionally torment you. I think the most important thing is to teach people recognizing abusive behavior and traits of Cluster B, not getting involved with those types of people in the first place is what will make society healthy. As of right now there are no cure for Narcissism, Sociopathy and Psychopathy, overlooking abuse is not a going mental health strategy, we should not shame people who has gone through painful divorce, because for some people that was an escape from emotional and psychological prison, staying and tolerating unhealthy behavior wont lead to anything productive, it will lead to chaos.
I think "hook up" culture is a result of freedom that people didn't have before. As you said they want to try everything before their life is over. The problem is people that live in hook up culture get addicted to it, then they can't commit to anybody because its never enough, never enough attention, never enough stimulation. I would say its complete opposite affect, I hear a lot of people talking and condemning the hook up culture, the hook up culture isn't about getting to know somebody, Hook UP culture is purely based on lust and sex.
I feel we will have a lot of lonely people after all this hooking up settles down, at the same time there will be lots people that can pass on the wisdom to other people. Essentially, that wisdom comes from bad choices and negative experiences.
Any advice you would give to a 17 year old about these behaviours? A prominent behaviour you see?
Very smart lady
I'm comfortable with the idea I will likely be alone as I'm nearly in my mid-30's and have never had sex, though it has been presented to me in past relationships, due to the fact that I really feel no desire for it; I personally find it distasteful the same way people find certain animals or life-styles distasteful. Because you can't have a relationship without sex, it's pretty much a "that's gonna be a 'no' for me, bro" situation. If I had a choice, I'd rather live my life with a good friend. The best memories for me were always when I was a child and with my friends: there were no pressures, biological or otherwise, to physically please yourself or someone else in the relationship just to feel happy and fulfilled.
Lots of asexuals out there, and they rapidly increase with age. For people over 50, asexuals are probably a majority.
All You Need Is Love.
eHarmony worked well for my wife and I. The screening and guided introduction did the hard work for us and saved us the 2 or 3 years of “getting to know each other”. After 14 years of marriage, I can say this has been the best relationship I’ve ever had. The scientific approach has been a tremendous time saver and we wouldn’t have found each other without it. Luck is fickle, science is better.
I'm stealing that beautiful line. "Luck is fickle, science is better."
The secret is easy. There are no better one out there. The grass isnt always greener on the other side.
Water yours. Focus on yours only.
Sometimes the secret is when both side know they want to settle down
I love how the secret for a long and happy relationship is basically that you have to be a good compassionate human.
And lucky enough to find someone who is willing to get to know you.
What if you’re friends for a while, like over two years, have a crush on each other, then eventually become intimate and fall in love, commit to each other, and then she sleeps with another man and blames it on alcohol and the pain meds…would u accept her back?
@@certifiedthorganic8581
Do some research on the medicine
she was taking and any side affects when combined with alcohol.
Was she really stressed out or was
she tricked?
Might not be the right time for these songs .
Jose Cuervos
Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off
Baby I'm Amazed By You
Wish I saw this months ago before my break up :/
We were built to love.
I agree with everything she says in this video 👍👍👍
thank you so much for this. I want to know everything this lady knows about love.
2:55 Helen cites a study about whether couples who cohabitate first feel like they they would choose to get married again. The problem is that she doesn't say what percentage of those who didn't cohabitate first said they would marry that person again. Also, other studies have measured the more objective metric of rates of divorce. Couples who cohabitate first are more likely to divorce than those that don't.
Thanks❤
I could apply this to friendships as well
She's talking about the SCIENCE of it-Not trying to advise anyone. We get bored of each other when unstimulated, that's a fact that goes both ways
This video really enlightened me and reframed my challenges with romantic relationship. How liberating. Thank you!
00:06 Assuming that everyone wants or feels that they want to be in a romantic relationship/marriage is untrue. Some people, seeing who is out there, realize they are better off, remaining celibate & single.
This all seems very good and positive but on the downside it also seems if it fails then you’ve set yourself up to have a terrible experience if you break up after giving yourself to your partner like the way she describes.
I love your work ❤ thanks Helen 🎉
_What is love?_
_Baby don't hurt me_
_Don't hurt me_
_No more_
Why would you thumb this down?
Nah, not at all. People just judge you, make a bunch of assumptions about you, and they pretty much stick with those assumptions, whether they outright reject their image of you in their heads or idolize it. Although if they idolize you they may make new assumptions over time.
My hubs and i dated for 3 years, then lived together for another 4, then got married….we have been together 22 years now. While the slow pace was due to my spouse, i think it worked for us.
Love is continuous hard work and growing in harmony !! There is no ideal person or relationship to obtain WE ALL WANT TO HOLD ONTO SOMTHING RELIABLE AND HAVE CONTROL (Learn how to "let go") Healthy relationships have nothing to do with marriage WORK HARD AND GROW WORK HARD AND GROW Keep it Together Its hard enough work to STAY in LOVE with YOURSELF
lesson imported in my head.
That last sentence really got me
What is love?
+Memento Mori I am still trying to figure that out.
+Memento Mori Baby don't hurt me...
Shawn Ravenfire LOL!!!!!!!!!!!
+Shawn Ravenfire don't hurt me... No more
+Memento Mori Baby don't hurt me.
Really glad the video as long as it is, I liked the longer videos you did but recently it seems like way more sub 5 minute clips, this is way better than those little grabs
My wife and I are about to celebrate 17 years.
We have argued 0 times.
We have fought 0 times.
We have shouted at each other 0 times.
Most relationship advice we see looks contrived, formulaic, and mostly just odd to us.
Never argued, is that even possible. 😊
why get married ?!
as animals, the goal of love is to have sex and create the next generation, "marriage" is a good way to ensure the next generation get the best attention and care possible from both parents. this "long time" before marriage/child is a sign that humans are so prosperous that they don't even care about procreation anymore. or maybe the stress causing humans don't breed because the situation is tough to raise children
That's right marriage these days is the finale when you co-habit and do it back to front ! Bingo Helen !!
When men want to "get to know" a woman, they really just want to have sex. If the women has sex with him early on (before he has the chance to emotionally bond with her) it will most often be an easy come, easy go/situationship. Men are hunters so ladies, make him earn sex if you want a relationship. Be his friend first, not friends with benefits. But as his friend, that way he can learn who you are and you learn about him. Don't give him the candy shop (have sex, live together, have kids, do girlfriend and wife things, etc.) in exchange for a relationship, because you will be short changed and mad. You will become bitter and cold if YOU let it happen too many times. Women! We hold so much power! USE IT! Love y'all!
Glad that I am hearing this after being in a relationship. Many thanks.
"single people living together" are they single if they're living with a partner?
as in LEGALLY NOT MARRIED :)
I think there's truth in her statement that we are going to have happy marriages instead of just being married and not getting divorced..two years is a good time frame as well before getting settled.
Metabolism correction--> third eye opening--> choose partner simple and heal each other via thoughts and later on with positive energy photons become power couple --> and ignite and enlighten entire world simple 😊🙏❤️
"I'm not really in the should business, I think people should..." (3:50 or so)
Good video but that quote really tickled me.
When someone is in love, they won't judge but have a brain to correct the environment instead..and when you actually judge, you don't accept them into your lives, love is knowing and adjusting to what we already have.. spending the 'good deal of time' comes from loving the person anyway
Good thing takes time ...this is way love is slow and lust is opposite
that is the saddest statement I've heard:"relationships end before you tie the knot."😢
I enjoyed this video, it's quite lovely.
Wizened words indeed... we agree❤😊
that explains why the average length of a marriage is less but it doesn't explain why the divorce rate has gone up
George Holt The reason divorce is up is because the law financially incentivizes women to get divorced. And a lot of women then go for the opportunity.
Megabro Gamma there is an element of that, Divorce courts are outrageously sexist for sure. but the divorce rate is actually dropping since the 90's.
"now its the finale", i love that
Marriage has many benefits in the United states economically. Not to be confused with love nor a wedding. Though find that special someone before getting married as it is more beneficial in the lifelong relationship.
~6:57 "So you want to sustain all three of those brain-systems: sex-drive, feelings of romantic love and feelings of deep attachment."
Don't overlook what you don't like about your partner as that's a recipe for abuse - communicate what you don't like about them. Not sure about control your own emotions' what about 'learn to express your emotions effectively' - be a powerhouse but not an atom bomb.
I love this woman!
21 years of marriage are real warriors
No, the woman might need to slow down because the woman tends to be attracted to the wrong men. But the man, if he truly falls in love and if you are the man you should feel the difference very clearly between love and lust or relatively mild infatuation, then he does not need to slow down and if he is truly in love, his feelings will NEVER lessen one iota. Men have a sixth sense about who is the right girl for him and he is the right man for her (and yes, I am using girl here to note a young, attractive woman-men are usually attracted to younger women because they are fertile and older women are not). What shapes a happy marriage for a woman is this passion that the man has for her that lasts for the rest of their lives.
Why do men select the right girl but women tend to be drawn to the wrong man? Jane Austen noticed these problems in her novels, especially *Pride & Prejudice* and *Sense & Sensibility.* First is women tend to be viscerally attracted to men who are very different from themselves physically. This tendency contributes to her children having fewer genetic flaws but biological differences also affect temperament. People with very different temperaments usually, but not always, are less likely to be compatible over time. This is why the woman should wait to make sure that the man is right for her and she is not being affected by this instinct which can lead her astray. Men do not share this tendency. In fact, men's sixth sense points more similarity between him and the lady. Similarity, not difference, leads to a greater probability of compatibility as opposed to complementarity. Second, women tend to be drawn to jerks or troubled men. The Dark Triad of Narcissism, being manipulative, and extreme lack of empathy is appealing to quite a few women such as Jane Austen herself who based such as character in *Pride & Prejudice,* George Wickham, on a man she had fallen for in real life. Likely, the underlying sense is that these men will gain more power and wealth. That ain't necessarily so, but a lot of women and a lot of men think so. Nice guys finish first, e.g. Bruce Botchy winning multiple World Series with different teams. Men, in contrast, prefer kind-hearted women with a pleasant disposition. Naturally, this type of character is much more likely to make for a cooperative mate with an empathetic, caring disposition.
RIP Dr. Fisher 😢❤
"Overlook what you don't like and focus on what you do like"
some studies suggest that living together before marriage increases your chances of divorce