So I was just driving on the highway and I got pulled over by a cop. He said "papers". I said "Scissors I win" and drove off. Apparently he wants a rematch because he's been following me for the past hour
There was a man that had triplet sons that was finishing high school. He found out that he didn't have long to live so he called his sons together. He told his sons that he was going to give them his life savings for college but he wanted them to promise to do one thing for him as a sign of respect. He told them that when he died, he wanted each of them to put a 20 dollar bill in his coat pocket of his suit. During the sophomore year of their college, their father died. At the funeral home, the first son comes up to the casket. He says a little prayer and looks around to see if anyone is watching. He reaches into his pocket and takes out a 20 dollar bill and puts it inside his father's coat pocket. He goes back to school and later on becomes a minister. The second son comes up to the casket, says a prayer, looks to see if anyone is watching and reaches into his pocket and takes out a 20 dollar bill and puts it in his father's coat pocket. He goes back to school and later becomes a doctor. The third son comes up to the casket, says a prayer and looks to see if anyone is watching. He reaches into his fathers pocket and takes out the 40 dollars. He reaches into his pocket and takes out a check for 60 dollars and sticks it into his father's coat pocket. He goes back to school and later becomes a politician.
There were two guys playing golf, and a funeral passed, so one guy stopped, and waited for the funeral to pass before continuing with his game. His companion complimented him on his respect for the funeral, to which the guy replied, 'Well, its the least I could do, we were married for forty years!'
There were 5 guys riding in a plane. 1 Captain 1 Brain Surgeon 1 Lawyer 1 Priest 1 10 year old boy Captain announces over the intercom, "This plane is going to crash- there is no way we can fix it. There are only 4 life jackets available, I am going to take 1 life jacket and jump. This way I can live to tell about the problem and save 1000's of lives". So he jumps out. Brain surgeon says, "well... I save more than 100 lives every year- so I'm taking the next life vest". and he jumps out. Lawyer says " well I'm the smartest man that ever live - so I'm taking the next life vest". then he jumps out. Now there are only 2 left. The priest looks at the little 10 year old boy and says " son, I think it's time for me to meet my maker- I want you to take the last life vest, this is what I think is right". The 10 year old responds back " Father there are 2 life vests left- the world's smartest man took my back pack- and jumped.
Three men die together in an accident And go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!' So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first man accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest girl he ever saw. St.. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly girl!' The next day, The second man steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly girl. He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first man. The third man has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly girl, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks, But One day St.Peter comes up to him With the most beautiful girl he has ever laid his eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy man says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?' The girl says, 'I don't know about you, But I stepped on a Duck.
JP Hinton so for all you guys wondering, if you step on a duck you get chained to any ugly person (female or male) meaning the 3rd guy is actually ugly and got chained to a girl because she stepped on a duck. So now the girl is chained to an extremely ugly man... Hoof, took long to write...
Neighbor looked over his fence, seen the 7 year old neighbor kid putting dirt in a hole. "Whatchadoin'?" Asked the man. "Oh, burying my goldfish" said the kid. The man asked, "whys the hole so big?" "Cause he's in YOUR cat!" Answerd the kid.
Son: Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential? Dad: I KNOW that I'm your father. That's confident. You see the next-door neighbor boy? I'm his father too. That's confidential.
The wife said "you know if I ever got alzhiemers I would commit suicide, rather than burden you with me" . I said "that's the fifth time you've said that today"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?
@Alan_The_Tomato_God bruv your grammar is too good, second you probably like 2, play fortnite, think you're cool, and making a fuss over a comment ending it here
The other day I drove pas the prison and I saw a dwarf climbing down the prison wall. I watched him for a while and thought to myself, "well that's a little con descending"
guy walks into a bar. Sits next to a blonde and asks her if she wants to hear a blonde joke. She says ok but first you should know I know karate and my two friends with me are blondes one is a kickboxer and the other a female body builder. you still want to tell that joke? The guy says "Hell No. I don't want to explain the same joke three times."
That was just after I saw the same lady standing on 1 leg I said lady what the hell you doing there a cue here waiting. She says I'm just checking my balance. Then boom you come along and push her over. The applause from the waiting crowd sounded like a god dam victory parade. Bravo sir. 👏
A woman starts going into labor and there's no one around except her dumb brother to take her to the hospital. "I'll take you sis!" her brother exclaimed. Driving crazy he makes it to the hospital. The nurses immediately take his sister into the delivery room. A couple of hours later, everything went well, and the sister is in a room recovering. The head nurse enters the room and tells her, " Congratulations, you had twins. A boy and a girl. We needed names for the babies for our records but you were still sedated so we asked your brother." " Oh no," she thought to herself, "I love my brother but he's an idiot." "What did he name the girl?" she nervously asked. "Denise," the nurse replied. Denise, that's not bad, the sister said to herself, "What did he name the boy?" The nurse replied, "Denephew."
So it's been cold and raining at our house for a few days now and I think my girlfriend is starting to get depressed... ...she just keeps staring through the window... ...if she keeps it up I'm gonna have to let her in.
When I went to New York, someone said to me, you're from Texas aren't you ?, I said yes, I sure am, The New Yorker asked: Which part ? I replied: All of me.
Teacher asks her class, "If there's 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left ?" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking." Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"
I unintentionally spent over 2 hours in this comment section, and I still haven't finished with it yet! This comment section is like a deep rabbit hole filled with a treasure trove of the funniest jokes ever! After watching this video, I highly recommend that you check this comment section out. You'll be glad you did. ;-) I must warn that you should make certain that you have much time to do so, because it gets pretty time consuming to keep scrolling down for all these wonderful jokes!
@@LB-eh5fz Writing down these jokes is a good idea ... if you really have the time for that. What I would do is make sure that I never delete this video, so that I can go to it and then just copy and paste the jokes that I am in the mood to tell and have people laugh at. LOL
Every day since the beginning of the school year, a boy would bring his teacher raisins. The teacher thought it was a bit strange at first, but overtime it becomes somewhat of a tradition. Suddenly one day the the boy shows up to class empty handed. When the teacher asks where her raisins were, the boy says “my rabbit died”
There’s two old friends walking down the street. They are both the most respected doctors at two of the best hospitals in their city. Then they see this younger man hobbling and barely able to cross the street. The first doctor says “Poor man, looks like he suffered a devastating back injury. You can tell by his posture and the way he’s shifting his weight.” The second doctor says “I disagree. I think it’s a hip injury, look at the way he’s favoring his right side.” So the two doctors go back and forth on their analysis and out of competition they want to see who’s right. So they cross the street and approach the man and ask who’s correct in their analysis of his injury. The man says “Well docs, I appreciate your analysis on my situation. You thought it was my back and you thought it was my hip.... I thought it was a fart and I shit my pants.”
That is old to a 25 year old, but above I wrote that the "old man" telling the joke could be 37 or younger. His eyebrows & 5 o'clock shadow are dark and his face has no age lines. I bet he got kidded about the title of his joke that got over 10 million views.
Man is exploring a forest. He sees a lion, and the lion also sees him. The man sits down and starts to pray to God to let him live. He closed his eyes while praying. He opens them again, and finds the lion in front of him, also praying. He asks the lion: "Why are you praying?" The lion replies: "I always pray before I eat,"
A blonde, being tired of the jokes, dyed her hair brunette. Feeling good about her new look, she went for a drive in the country. She came upon a shepherd watching his sheep. She stopped and asked the shepherd "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your herd would you let me have one?" Intrigued, the shepherd agreed. "247" she guessed. "By gosh, you are right" said the shepherd, "pick one out." So the woman picked out a very happy, bouncy, fluffy looking one and got ready to leave. The shepherd said "Now I have a question for you," he said "if I can guess your natural hair color can I have my dog back?"
A husband comes home from the store and yells to his wife "I won the lottery! Pack your bags!" The wife replies "Where are we going?" And the husband says "I don't care just get out."
Three old men were sitting around complaining. The first one said, "Every morning at 7 AM I get up to pee. It trickles out so slow it takes me fifteen minutes to empty my bladder." The second one said, "Oh yeah? Every morning at 6 AM I get up to poop. It takes me a full hour to do my business!" The third one said, "Oh yeah? Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 7:45 I shit like a pig." The first two men look at each other and, in unison scoff, "What's wrong with that?" "I don't wake up until 8."
A man is informed by his doctor that he only has 12 more hours to live. He goes home and tells his wife that they should go out and paint the town red on the last night he'll be alive. She replies "That's easy for you to say, you don't have to get up in the morning!"
Patient: Am I dying doctor? How long do I have? Doctor: You have 60... Patient: (interrupting) 60?!! 60 days to live?!!! Doctor: 59...58...57...56...55...
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
A mailman is retiring after 35 years of service and as he is doing his last round of deliveries he comes to a very nice looking house. When he reaches the top of the stairs, the door opens and standing there is a stunningly beautiful 25 year old blonde woman. She says to him "I understand it is your last day and I would like to invite you in for a nice retirement breakfast". The old mailman says "well, ok it is my last day after all" So he goes in to the house and at the dining room table is an amazing spread awaiting him. Eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, smoked salmon and even champagne and orange juice. After he finishes his meal the young lady says to him "come upstairs I have something else for you" He follows her upstairs and when he reaches her bedroom door he sees that she is completly naked and on her bed waiting for him. "Come here big boy" she calls to him. After only what can be described as a terrific screw, the mail man is laying on the bed not knowing what to think of what just happened. The young blonde gets up, puts on her lace robe and goes over to her dresser. She comes back to him and gives him a small box. He opens it and finds two quarters. "What is this for?" He asks "Well", she says " My husband and I were talking last night and I mentioned to him that it was going to be your last day tomorrow and I thought that we should do something nice for you" "What did he say?" Asked the mail man "Fuck him, give him fifty cents but I threw in the breakfast."
When my wife was pregnant with our first child we were very nervous new parents to be. Her Gynacologist was and older man with eons of experience, and jokes to match that experience. So, to ease the tension he would tell us a joke whenever we visited. This was my favorite. thanks Doc Miller! A typical teenage couple had just started dating. Both in their early teens they were eager to do the deed, but totally inexperienced. One day the girl came up to the guy while he was grabbing his first hour books out of his locker. She asked what he was planning for the couple to do that weekend. Being a guy, and guys... we probably all can admit to this, he said.. I don't know. She said, well aren't your parents out of town for the weekend. He said yes, never having anything cross his mind because he thought his younger siblings would rat on him. She said well, your brother and sister will probably go to bed around ten, right? He said yes. She said, well why don't you come by my house and have dinner. Then we'll go see a movie and we'll get to your house when your brother and sister are asleep, and you're parents are away, so..... the guy says yes, that's a great idea. Like he's Einstein, right? So now he knows he has to do something to keep from getting in trouble, so with the best plan ever laid out before him he goes to the local drug store to pick up some condems. But when he gets their there's like half and aisle full of them, and he can't figure out what to buy. After standing there for a while the Pharmacist comes up and asks if he needs help, so the young man explains his predicament and asks for help. The Pharmacist says, well they're all about the same thing. Basically you have the two pack. The. There's the five pack, and then the 15 pack. The biggest difference is the cost per condom. The best price per condom is the 15 pack. The guy says I'll get those because I p,an on doing it a lot. The pharmacist chuckles and cheeks the young man out. Come Friday night the young man goes over to his girlfriends for dinner, and when they sit down to dinner the mother asks him if he would like to offer the evening prayer. The boy prays, and prays, and prays some more until he's flat out of ideas and ends the prayer. Well, the young girl says I had no idea you were so religious. And the young man replies, I had no idea your dad was a Pharmacist! Good night.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson looked up a the night sky and replied, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered the riddle for a moment before answering, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Yes, but what else?" inquired Holmes "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Yes, but what else?" "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Yes, but what else?" "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Yes, but what else?" "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "Yes, but what else?" Watson pondered for a moment before finally succumbing, "I'm not sure Holmes, what does it tell you?" Sherlock looked at his sidekick with disappointment strewn across his face.... "Watson, you bloody idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"
AYYYYE!!👏 you are a great story teller, great joke teller, That was delivered perfectly!! Makes me miss my Dad *SO* much!!! He told classic jokes and stories very often. I'll appreciate them. Thanks for laugh, never heard this one😊💕
My friend at the bar asks me how do I get so many women? I said, I put a Potato down my pants, it's a great ice breaker. The next night he tried it, when I arrived I noticed that he was all alone, like a force field around him. I asked what was going on, he said I put a potato down my pants like you told me! I checked it out and said "The Potato goes in the front of the pants!"
Guy checks in to the hospital. The next day, the doctor comes in and says “well sir, we have bad news and worse news. Which would you like first”. the man replies “start with the bad”. The doctor says “unfortunately, you only have 24 hours to live.” The patient exclaims, “well what the hell could be worse news than that??” Doctor says “i forgot to tell you yesterday”
A guy walks into a bar, takes a seat at the bar table, he looks to his left and notices a really small man about a foot tall playing a piano. The guys asks the bartender "who is that really small man playing the piano and how did you get him?" The bartender says "you see that small lamp behind me? I got that when I traveld around the middle east. If you rub it, a genie will pop out and grant you a wish. But there's something not quite right about the genie. You are more than welcome to go out back and try it" So the guy take the lamp out back. A few minuts later the guy comes back and says "what the heck! Whats wrong with this genie? I asked for a thousand bucks and I got a thousand DUCKS!" The bartender says "Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Went to Vienna Austria to see the grave of the great Ludwig van Beethoven. As I approached his grave I was shocked to see Beethoven sitting there , erasing all his music. I said, "What are you doing" ?? - " Decomposing obviously"
Two fleas, close friends from Detroit Michigan, always go down and meet in Miami during the winter months. They travel separately, but they meet up at the same bar once they get to Miami. One year the first flea is waiting at the bar when the second flea arrives. The second flea is freezing cold, purple, blue lips, and shivering. The first flea asks him how he got down from Detroit? The second flea says "I was riding on the mustache of a man riding a Harley down the freeway." "No, no ,no" says the first flea "Next year, you go to the Detroit Airport, you go to the airport bar, you wait for a female flight attendant with luggage marked 'Miami'. You climb up her leg, you will find a nice warm and fuzzy spot. Take a nap. A couple of hours later you will wake up in Miami, and you come here to meet me." A year goes by, and again the first flea is waiting for his friend at the bar. The second flea arrives freezing cold, purple, blue lips, and shivering. "What Happened!?!?!?" Asked the first flea. "I did what you told me. I went to the Detroit Airport, I went to the airport bar, I saw a female flight attendant with luggage marked 'Miami'. I crawled up her leg, found that nice warm fuzzy spot you told me about, and I took a nap. I woke up on the mustache of a man riding a Harley down the freeway."
A doctor is examining three old men for suspected memory loss he turns the first old man and says what's 3 x 3 man says 156. turns to the second old man says what's 3 x 3 of the guy says Tuesday. turns the last old man says what's 3 x 3 the old man says 9. Doctor says thats right howd you figure it out he says i just subtracted tuesday from 156
At the bar the other night when my wife rings me and says "Dinner is ready and if you don't come home right away I'm giving it to the dog"! Well, I finished my beer and went straight home, ... I mean, I love that dog!
3 guys are walking through the forest.all of a sudden they all collapse. They wake up at the foot of a cheeroke chief. The cheif says u must collect 10 pieces of 1 fruit and come back here if not u will be killed.well the first guy walks in with some apples.the chief says to shove all 10 up his ass without making any emotion well on the 3rd apple he cries,he is killed.2nd guy walks in with grapes, the chief says to do the same thing well on the nineth grape he randomly starts to laugh uncontrollably he is killed.guy 1 meets guy 2 in heaven the first guy ask why he randomly laughed he could have lived! The 2nd guy said,"well u see the 3rd guy walked in with pineapples"🤣
Old married couple is fed up with neighbor's barking dog left in back yard. Old woman tells husband to go over and tell the neighbor to shut their dog up. He barks constantly! Old man leaves, comes back. But the dog is barking even louder! Old woman asks husband what happened. Old guy says, "I put their dog in OUR yard, now let's see how THEY like it"!!
See this little boy really wanted 70$ for christmas so he wrote santa a letter telling him how much he'd want to have 70$ because his family was to poor to give the boy that amount of money. He writes the letter and his letter goes right to the mail center.The ladies there see the letter and feel so bad for the little boy that they decide to gather some money and make his wish come true. They tell all the workers there and they manage to get 50 dollars and they send them to him. The boy is so excited he writes back to santa:"dear santa i thank u very much for ur gift but pls next time deliver them directly to me because those bitches at the mail center got 20$,thank u"
Kid goes to a campground with his family. They go to a general store for supplies. Theres an indian out front. Hes holding a sign that says "longest memory in the world. Ask me anything" The kid walks up and says "how". The Indian says "how". The kid says "what did you have for breakfast on this day 15 years ago?' The indian says "eggs". The kid thinks "he could've just made that up" 20 years go by. The kid becomes a man and has a family. They go to the same campground. There's the same indian with the same sign. The man walks up to him and says "how ". The indian says "scrambled"
This man was driving out of town to the beach and the speed limit is 70mph so he sees a state trooper tail gating him so he desires to go 80mph than he sees the lights and hears the siren so he speeds up to 90 than 100 he finally gets to 110 when he decides to stop before they throw the spikes on him so the trooper goes up to him and tells him if u can give me one good reason why you where speeding I'll let you go so the man says well sir about 2 years ago my wife left me for a state trooper I thought you where bringing her back 😂😂😂
Seriously, my dad used this on a Kentucky State Trooper and the trooper's stone cold face started to quiver, finally busted up laughing and, told him to slow down. I was in disbelief.
Rofl! I got a pretty good kick out of that one. Here's one for you: A blonde goes down to New Orleans looking for some alligator shoes. She walks into a shoe store, but the clerk tells her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but we're fresh out." So she says, "Well, darn! I guess I'll have to go hunt some myself," to the clerk's amazement, who then replied in his thick Cajun accent, "Aight! Go on with yo bad self!". Later on in da day, dat clerk is getting off work and he drivin' home, and along da way, he passing a bayou and looks over and he see dat blonde out there in da water wit a shotgun rifle. Sauex he stop and get out da car and gauexs, "Dis I gotta see!". While he watching from afar, an alligator come up out da water bout to eat dat blonde for dinner. Dat woman raise up dat shotgun and blow a hole right tru da belly o' dat gator and it falls dead in da water. She take hold of, drags it to shore next to 3 others she killed, rolls it over, and throws her hands up in frustration and hollers, "Dis one don't have no shoes either!".
12 year old Johnny comes home from school to see dad at the kitchen table. "Dad, my homework is that I have to explain the difference between reality and potentiality. " So dad thinks for a minute, then says, "Ok, go ask your mom if she'd sleep with the mailman for $100,000." He runs away and comes back a couple minutes later. "Dad! Dad! She said for $100,00, she definitely would!" "Ok," Dad says, "Now go ask your older sister if she'd sleep with our neighbor for $100,000." A little while later, Johnny comes back. "Dad! Jenny said for $100,000 she'd sleep with ALL our neighbors!" Dad nods his head, sagely. He looks at his son and says, "Well, Johnny, potentially we're sitting on $200 grand, but in reality we're living with a couple of whores..."
![[Full Episode] MasterChef Junior Thailand มาสเตอร์เชฟ จูเนียร์ ประเทศไทย Season 3 Episode 2](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/YpQnHoQvZt4/mqdefault.jpg)
So I was just driving on the highway and I got pulled over by a cop. He said "papers". I said "Scissors I win" and drove off.
Apparently he wants a rematch because he's been following me for the past hour
TheLegendChief fuck off old meme that was all over Insta and Twitter like last month.
@@ifyoudontusedarkmodeyourga3960 this was 2 weeks ago stfu
u trying to talk crap but u did not notice his comment was 2 week ago STUPID
TheLegendChief then he shot me because of my race
Ethan Babcock not everyone heard of it dumbass
I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and shit myself.
@@OstrichOstrichBirdStoic46 No I don't. I just got this message.
@@OstrichOstrichBirdStoic46 is this like British humor?
LSD is a great thing
Funny as Hell
😂😂😂
There was a man that had triplet sons that was finishing high school. He found out that he didn't have long to live so he called his sons together. He told his sons that he was going to give them his life savings for college but he wanted them to promise to do one thing for him as a sign of respect. He told them that when he died, he wanted each of them to put a 20 dollar bill in his coat pocket of his suit. During the sophomore year of their college, their father died. At the funeral home, the first son comes up to the casket. He says a little prayer and looks around to see if anyone is watching. He reaches into his pocket and takes out a 20 dollar bill and puts it inside his father's coat pocket. He goes back to school and later on becomes a minister. The second son comes up to the casket, says a prayer, looks to see if anyone is watching and reaches into his pocket and takes out a 20 dollar bill and puts it in his father's coat pocket. He goes back to school and later becomes a doctor. The third son comes up to the casket, says a prayer and looks to see if anyone is watching. He reaches into his fathers pocket and takes out the 40 dollars. He reaches into his pocket and takes out a check for 60 dollars and sticks it into his father's coat pocket. He goes back to school and later becomes a politician.
Demn that s deep boi
I got fired from my job at the bank the other day. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
🤙🏼👍🏼
I like that Lee that's funny! 😬😳😁
ma'am i afaid your balance is bad
What did the one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm? Its hard to find an egg in all this shit.
😂🤣😂
To the guy in the wheel chair that stole my camouflage jacket.
You can hide, but you can’t run.
Stock Brothers And to the guy who stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you. You have my Word
That. Would be me
@@ejross22 yes 🤣🤣🤣
Stock Brothers
😂
That's mean but funny
see you all in a year when this gets recommended again
Look... it's that comment again...
Bravo going dark
cya then :P
@@ArtInLynch I know it's annoying as fuck
Forreal it's been real my guy
There were two guys playing golf, and a funeral passed, so one guy stopped, and waited for the funeral to pass before continuing with his game.
His companion complimented him on his respect for the funeral, to which the guy replied, 'Well, its the least I could do, we were married for forty years!'
I don't get it plz help
Okay that one is just downright sad.
@@firedragon5743 his wife was dead and the funeral was passing by, but the man was just playing golf instead of going to her funeral
A guy is at an interview and a question that came up was "when is your birthday", and he responds " every year".
There were 5 guys riding in a plane.
1 Captain
1 Brain Surgeon
1 Lawyer
1 Priest
1 10 year old boy
Captain announces over the intercom, "This plane is going to crash- there is no way we can fix it. There are only 4 life jackets available, I am going to take 1 life jacket and jump. This way I can live to tell about the problem and save 1000's of lives". So he jumps out.
Brain surgeon says, "well... I save more than 100 lives every year- so I'm taking the next life vest". and he jumps out.
Lawyer says " well I'm the smartest man that ever live - so I'm taking the next life vest". then he jumps out.
Now there are only 2 left. The priest looks at the little 10 year old boy and says " son, I think it's time for me to meet my maker- I want you to take the last life vest, this is what I think is right".
The 10 year old responds back " Father there are 2 life vests left- the world's smartest man took my back pack- and jumped.
That did not go the direction I was expecting. I hope the boy got his backpack returned to him.
@@SparkySINN lol... Was also thinking that it would make that turn..
@@micahretief7893 😆 it's brutal. .. but someone had to point that out. ...
@DaBoogie If the plane is flying low over water then life could come in handy but parachutes would certainly be preferable.
@DaBoogie Hahahaha this made me laugh more than the joke
Three men die together in an accident
And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first man accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest girl he ever saw.
St.. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly girl!'
The next day,
The second man steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly girl.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first man.
The third man has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly girl, is very,
VERY careful where he steps.
He manages to go months
Without stepping on any ducks,
But
One day St.Peter comes up to him
With the most beautiful girl he has ever laid his eyes on.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy man says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?'
The girl says,
'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a
Duck.
JP Hinton so for all you guys wondering, if you step on a duck you get chained to any ugly person (female or male) meaning the 3rd guy is actually ugly and got chained to a girl because she stepped on a duck. So now the girl is chained to an extremely ugly man... Hoof, took long to write...
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Aquatic_YT Gaming why did you have to explain it..it just ruined the joke
Skit Life no, it helped people who don’t get it
TalkingMoose if you dont get it,then you dont have a sense of humor
I watched a great 3-minute video, now, I'm 1 hour into reading comments. lololol
Samen here, some good ones to
same here!
And worth your time! some classic jokes here I remember and a few new ones!
I’m with YALL👍🏻
Same! Finally some good reading material!
A dwarf with psychic abilities recently broke out of prison. Police put out a BOLO for a small medium at large.
Fuck is a BOLO?
@@charliefox9424 "Be On he Look Out" meaning like keep an eye out for a suspect matching a certain description
A psych patient broke out of the mental asylm and raped a woman and ran off. Next day paper headlines says, Nut Screws and Bolts!
Timothy Diller .......if the woman worked in the laundry, it would be nut screws washer and bolts!
Came for the video, stayed for the comments
Hell ya lol
YA
Omg same
Gotta relate, i turned back to the video days later to read comments
1000th like.... what am I doing with my life...
Brilliant !! Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Love it.
Yyessss!
Simon Measday dude 20000 iq
That's tough😹😹😹
Simon Measday 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👍
I love these types of jokes. When I was in the Army, my southern buddies would tell them all the time.
Best part of the joke is that it’s the lawyer that gets ripped off for a change.
Shut up. Ruin the joke
Eeehhhmmmm! ……………………………………………I’m glad you got it.
So the lawyer is the the guy that had change ? Or how does it work ? The guy is the one that did ? Or it isn’t him ?
and....no pun intended?? *LoLoLoL!!* 😆😁
Wow clicked for the video but spent 44 min reading the comments... lol
Same like no joke it look me so long to scroll back up. There are so many funny ones!
I did the same thing. Funny stuff!
Jason Karcher straight facts
Jason Karcher ha ha me too.
😂😂😂
Me about to go to sleep
TH-cam: Wanna see a old man tell the funniest joke ever
I'm laughing so hard right now because that is literally what I'm laying in the bed looking at this video doing 😂😂😂
My god same 😂💀
Same but it wasn’t funny at all
Me:hell yeah
Falls asleep anyway....
Neighbor looked over his fence, seen the 7 year old neighbor kid putting dirt in a hole. "Whatchadoin'?" Asked the man.
"Oh, burying my goldfish" said the kid.
The man asked, "whys the hole so big?"
"Cause he's in YOUR cat!" Answerd the kid.
ha.
I'm laughing so hard, can't hardly hit the LIKED key!
@@general5104 HAHAHAHA me too!!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
"seen"? Uneducated.
Son: Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?
Dad: I KNOW that I'm your father. That's confident. You see the next-door neighbor boy? I'm his father too. That's confidential.
Not anymore.
Damn.
😳
Boy? Or the next door neighbors boy?
@@nostalgiaman6816 well, no it's not the neighbors boy.... LOL
The wife said "you know if I ever got alzhiemers I would commit suicide, rather than burden you with me" .
I said "that's the fifth time you've said that today"
Lol
👍
Haha
That’s dark as fuck and I love it
😢
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?
I wonder what the police would do if this actually happened lmao. Would he get arrested?
I wonder why you STOLE THIS FUKIN JOKE LIKE OOOOOO MAAI GOT
@Alan_The_Tomato_God you want a cookie? It's sad cuz it wasn't even me that liked it
@Alan_The_Tomato_God bruv your grammar is too good, second you probably like 2, play fortnite, think you're cool, and making a fuss over a comment ending it here
@Alan_The_Tomato_God what you need exactly?
My dad used to tell jokes like this and I admire how well you delivered this joke and didn't mess up the punch line! 😄
The other day I drove pas the prison and I saw a dwarf climbing down the prison wall. I watched him for a while and thought to myself, "well that's a little con descending"
Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh yes it sure is! 😜
guy walks into a bar. Sits next to a blonde and asks her if she wants to hear a blonde joke. She says ok but first you should know I know karate and my two friends with me are blondes one is a kickboxer and the other a female body builder. you still want to tell that joke? The guy says "Hell No. I don't want to explain the same joke three times."
Hahahahaha wtf lmfao 😭😭😭 can u explain to me the joke hahaha jk I’m dead jajaja
This is is to much
I hope they didn't kill him cuz he deserves to live
I don’t get et
That's good puppet strings cut 😂
Today at the bank a old lady told me to check her balance.. So i pushed her over.
Old joke c'mon man
Nice one
@Charles Martel I never heard it.....and I liked it.
@@joelsession2488 my first time hearing it.. made me laugh
That was just after I saw the same lady standing on 1 leg I said lady what the hell you doing there a cue here waiting. She says I'm just checking my balance. Then boom you come along and push her over. The applause from the waiting crowd sounded like a god dam victory parade. Bravo sir. 👏
A woman starts going into labor and there's no one around except her dumb brother to take her to the hospital. "I'll take you sis!" her brother exclaimed. Driving crazy he makes it to the hospital. The nurses immediately take his sister into the delivery room. A couple of hours later, everything went well, and the sister is in a room recovering. The head nurse enters the room and tells her, " Congratulations, you had twins. A boy and a girl. We needed names for the babies for our records but you were still sedated so we asked your brother." " Oh no," she thought to herself, "I love my brother but he's an idiot." "What did he name the girl?" she nervously asked. "Denise," the nurse replied. Denise, that's not bad, the sister said to herself, "What did he name the boy?" The nurse replied, "Denephew."
I laughed way to hard at that
BIG BRAIN !
I told this to my friends and they didn’t stop laughing teary 😂
@@leonardokadut902 Thats what Im doing as I read it!
I didn het it . Maybe cus i don't speak English fluently?
- "Doctor, doctor! I hurt my arm in two different places!"
- "Well, don't go to those places ever again!"
underrated
these guys have better jokes than comedians
“Rim shot” !
Cool one!!!!
Tommy Cooper says I joke like this I love it
"A wise Chinese man once said: If the dog barks, it's undercooked"
Who are you!!!! 😂😂
This made me laugh the fucken hardest ahahahahaha
LMFAO THE SHORTEST ONE BUT TJE BEST
Funny but racist
That's sad.
First video ever uploaded to youtube where the comments are worth reading.
chris thompson true
Apart from yours
@@reissmain6573 Wow, that's a good one 😆
Reiss Maine 😩😩😩😩😩😩
Yep...but the christan bulls shit stuf is good
My dad told me a version of this joke when i was like 10. Im glad it still goes around. Brought back some good memories
So did mine, around the same age. My dad's version was a guy in a bar, betting with the bartender, and three buddies at a table in the corner.
Who else got this in your recommendations 3 years later?
Me:)
Me
Holy crap i actually did
Jan. 12, 2021
Me just now. Oh hell I'm going to waste ANOTHER hour on TH-cam. Shameful
( but fun )
2/2/2021 reading this.
Who else got this in their recommended in March and May and June and now July of 2019?😂 even if this came out 2 years ago😂😂
Kyle Lowry me
Me too
Kyle Lowry I did 😂😂😂
Ditto!
Same
So it's been cold and raining at our house for a few days now and I think my girlfriend is starting to get depressed...
...she just keeps staring through the window...
...if she keeps it up I'm gonna have to let her in.
😂😂😂
😂😂😂
Love Jimmy Carr
BlurrVFX ;i
Why was she out in the first place?
When I went to New York, someone said to me, you're from Texas aren't you ?,
I said yes, I sure am,
The New Yorker asked: Which part ?
I replied: All of me.
I have a friend who's addicted to brake fluid. Says he can stop anytime.
The brakes went out on my car. But I didn't let that stop me!
I was addicted to the hokey cokey but I turned myself around and that's what it's all about.
Staying to read the comments was worth it.
I don't get it.
Teacher asks her class, "If there's 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left ?" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking." Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"
Hahahahaha great one!!
Ow thats golden
Denis D 👍Best one I've heard in a long time!😂
WINNER
😂😂😂
I unintentionally spent over 2 hours in this comment section, and I still haven't finished with it yet! This comment section is like a deep rabbit hole filled with a treasure trove of the funniest jokes ever! After watching this video, I highly recommend that you check this comment section out. You'll be glad you did. ;-)
I must warn that you should make certain that you have much time to do so, because it gets pretty time consuming to keep scrolling down for all these wonderful jokes!
This is so accurate thank you, no one would've taken the time to admit this but you did... YOU DID!!!
I always love the Comment on Joe Biden's videos: "I can't believe they left the comments ON!" Then the flaming begins.
I saved this to “watch later” purposefully so I could come back later and spend more time in the comments.
I STARTED WRITING THEM DOWN ,,GONNA USE THESE GREAT JOKES GETTING THEM ALL IN ONE PLACE👍🏻❤️
@@LB-eh5fz Writing down these jokes is a good idea ... if you really have the time for that. What I would do is make sure that I never delete this video, so that I can go to it and then just copy and paste the jokes that I am in the mood to tell and have people laugh at. LOL
You sir, made me laugh way to hard than expected. Thank you for that, I needed this laugh more than you could imagine
Every day since the beginning of the school year, a boy would bring his teacher raisins. The teacher thought it was a bit strange at first, but overtime it becomes somewhat of a tradition. Suddenly one day the the boy shows up to class empty handed. When the teacher asks where her raisins were, the boy says “my rabbit died”
Ohhhh...
Paul Pantzer I don’t get it
Slayer5659 the “raisins” were rabbit droppings
Damn you for making me like a Ravens fan's comment!
Ewww nasty.
Welcome to 5,975 episode of what's in my recommendation
savage pack 180 imo it’s good content
Oh yeah yeah
savage pack 180 sup bro
savage pack 180 I am responsible for this series, lemme know what y’all want next
Oh yeah yeah
They laughed at me when I told them I was going to be a comedian. Well they aren't laughing now!
When I die I want to go quietly in my sleep like my grandpa did. Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Good one
@@louisdasilva3359 noooo...
The Bible never said that the fruit was a apple
@O G wow why you so mad
@@platinum6471 ur ruining the joke m8
There’s two old friends walking down the street. They are both the most respected doctors at two of the best hospitals in their city. Then they see this younger man hobbling and barely able to cross the street. The first doctor says “Poor man, looks like he suffered a devastating back injury. You can tell by his posture and the way he’s shifting his weight.” The second doctor says “I disagree. I think it’s a hip injury, look at the way he’s favoring his right side.” So the two doctors go back and forth on their analysis and out of competition they want to see who’s right. So they cross the street and approach the man and ask who’s correct in their analysis of his injury.
The man says “Well docs, I appreciate your analysis on my situation. You thought it was my back and you thought it was my hip.... I thought it was a fart and I shit my pants.”
Nice one
I can't breathe 😂
Where’s my oxygen go 😂
Lmfao wow love it
hats great
A Giraffe walks into a bar and says the high balls are on me.
ahhhhhh....LOL
🤣🤙🏼
Old man: like 50 years old
That is old to a 25 year old, but above I wrote that the "old man" telling the joke could be 37 or younger. His eyebrows & 5 o'clock shadow are dark and his face has no age lines. I bet he got kidded about the title of his joke that got over 10 million views.
Man is exploring a forest. He sees a lion, and the lion also sees him. The man sits down and starts to pray to God to let him live. He closed his eyes while praying. He opens them again, and finds the lion in front of him, also praying. He asks the lion: "Why are you praying?" The lion replies: "I always pray before I eat,"
Sherman Rod that guy didn’t find a lion, he was just Trippin balls.
Good one
Sherman Rod, what kind of 'pray' do you mean? Or is it a double meaning.
That's a good one
Lions live in the jungle not the forist
A blonde, being tired of the jokes, dyed her hair brunette. Feeling good about her new look, she went for a drive in the country. She came upon a shepherd watching his sheep. She stopped and asked the shepherd "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your herd would you let me have one?" Intrigued, the shepherd agreed. "247" she guessed. "By gosh, you are right" said the shepherd, "pick one out." So the woman picked out a very happy, bouncy, fluffy looking one and got ready to leave. The shepherd said "Now I have a question for you," he said "if I can guess your natural hair color can I have my dog back?"
Lol.
I don’t get the joke plz help
Matthew Clayton The sheep dyed it's wool brunette after being blonde 247 times.
@@mattyc9534 blonde was so dumb she took the man's dog thinking it was a sheep, leading the farmer to believe that only a blonde could be that dumb
@@jinception01 i think matt got it, but you must be that smart blonde that explains the joke to the rest of the sheep
A husband comes home from the store and yells to his wife "I won the lottery! Pack your bags!" The wife replies "Where are we going?" And the husband says "I don't care just get out."
Wow.LOL
She still gets half jajaja.
To the Guy who stole my Anti-Deppresant pills, " Hope your Happy now".
Three old men were sitting around complaining. The first one said, "Every morning at 7 AM I get up to pee. It trickles out so slow it takes me fifteen minutes to empty my bladder."
The second one said, "Oh yeah? Every morning at 6 AM I get up to poop. It takes me a full hour to do my business!"
The third one said, "Oh yeah? Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 7:45 I shit like a pig."
The first two men look at each other and, in unison scoff, "What's wrong with that?"
"I don't wake up until 8."
😂😂😂 I laughed tears
That is dumb. If the guy is asleep how does he know what time he pisses or shits?
bg6b7bft - that is gold!! Can't wait to tell someone that joke. Thanks
HARRY NUTZAK good point 😂
HARRY NUTZAK who tf cares?? Its a joke dumbass.
This comment section is golden
Me: "I have 30 seconds to live!!!"
Doctor: "Come sit down for a minute"
Doctor: You only have 3 minutes to live.
Me: Oh no, what shall I do?
Doctor: Well, you could boil an egg!
A man is informed by his doctor that he only has 12 more hours to live. He goes home and tells his wife that they should go out and paint the town red on the last night he'll be alive. She replies "That's easy for you to say, you don't have to get up in the morning!"
Patient: Am I dying doctor? How long do I have?
Doctor: You have 60...
Patient: (interrupting) 60?!! 60 days to live?!!!
Doctor: 59...58...57...56...55...
I had heard that joke before. But, you said it SO well... I still laughed!
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
Haha nice 1
dam das good
Lmaoooooooooo
Lololol
😂
A mailman is retiring after 35 years of service and as he is doing his last round of deliveries he comes to a very nice looking house. When he reaches the top of the stairs, the door opens and standing there is a stunningly beautiful 25 year old blonde woman. She says to him
"I understand it is your last day and I would like to invite you in for a nice retirement breakfast". The old mailman says
"well, ok it is my last day after all"
So he goes in to the house and at the dining room table is an amazing spread awaiting him. Eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, smoked salmon and even champagne and orange juice. After he finishes his meal the young lady says to him
"come upstairs I have something else for you"
He follows her upstairs and when he reaches her bedroom door he sees that she is completly naked and on her bed waiting for him.
"Come here big boy" she calls to him.
After only what can be described as a terrific screw, the mail man is laying on the bed not knowing what to think of what just happened. The young blonde gets up, puts on her lace robe and goes over to her dresser. She comes back to him and gives him a small box. He opens it and finds two quarters.
"What is this for?" He asks
"Well", she says " My husband and I were talking last night and I mentioned to him that it was going to be your last day tomorrow and I thought that we should do something nice for you"
"What did he say?" Asked the mail man
"Fuck him, give him fifty cents but I threw in the breakfast."
Xterrential at first I didn’t get it but now I do, ahahha
OMG LOL
That was good
Xterrential that’s good lol
Xterrential b
Crude jokes but authentic & funny! Thank You for sharing! 🕯🌷🕊
How does Harry Potter get to school? Walking, JK Rolling.
When my wife was pregnant with our first child we were very nervous new parents to be. Her Gynacologist was and older man with eons of experience, and jokes to match that experience. So, to ease the tension he would tell us a joke whenever we visited. This was my favorite. thanks Doc Miller!
A typical teenage couple had just started dating. Both in their early teens they were eager to do the deed, but totally inexperienced. One day the girl came up to the guy while he was grabbing his first hour books out of his locker. She asked what he was planning for the couple to do that weekend. Being a guy, and guys... we probably all can admit to this, he said.. I don't know. She said, well aren't your parents out of town for the weekend. He said yes, never having anything cross his mind because he thought his younger siblings would rat on him. She said well, your brother and sister will probably go to bed around ten, right? He said yes. She said, well why don't you come by my house and have dinner. Then we'll go see a movie and we'll get to your house when your brother and sister are asleep, and you're parents are away, so..... the guy says yes, that's a great idea. Like he's Einstein, right? So now he knows he has to do something to keep from getting in trouble, so with the best plan ever laid out before him he goes to the local drug store to pick up some condems. But when he gets their there's like half and aisle full of them, and he can't figure out what to buy. After standing there for a while the Pharmacist comes up and asks if he needs help, so the young man explains his predicament and asks for help. The Pharmacist says, well they're all about the same thing. Basically you have the two pack. The. There's the five pack, and then the 15 pack. The biggest difference is the cost per condom. The best price per condom is the 15 pack. The guy says I'll get those because I p,an on doing it a lot. The pharmacist chuckles and cheeks the young man out. Come Friday night the young man goes over to his girlfriends for dinner, and when they sit down to dinner the mother asks him if he would like to offer the evening prayer. The boy prays, and prays, and prays some more until he's flat out of ideas and ends the prayer. Well, the young girl says I had no idea you were so religious. And the young man replies, I had no idea your dad was a Pharmacist! Good night.
I found it 😄
Poor guy. I can already tell that’ll be me some day though
Oh no wow what did daddy say?
@@walkermoran-bush5252 plot twist. He never recognized him being always doped up on those pain pills he steals.
So many spelling mistakes and poor grammer I had to give up!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson looked up a the night sky and replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered the riddle for a moment before answering,
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Yes, but what else?" inquired Holmes
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Yes, but what else?"
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Yes, but what else?"
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Yes, but what else?"
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"Yes, but what else?"
Watson pondered for a moment before finally succumbing,
"I'm not sure Holmes, what does it tell you?"
Sherlock looked at his sidekick with disappointment strewn across his face....
"Watson, you bloody idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"
Lel 😂😂
Lol
That’s actually funny
Elmentary watson, you fukin dumbass
Dasa pretty good
THANK YOU FOR THE LAUGH 😂 😂 😂 BRILLIANT, I NEEDED IT. BLESSINGS EVER FROM BELFAST, NORTHERN IRELAND.
AYYYYE!!👏 you are a great story teller, great joke teller, That was delivered perfectly!! Makes me miss my Dad *SO* much!!! He told classic jokes and stories very often. I'll appreciate them. Thanks for laugh, never heard this one😊💕
Why is North Korea really good a drawing straight lines
Because they have a supreme ruler
took me a second there lmfao good joke bro
Rice Cooker because they have slant eyes and only see straight lines is what he wanted you to think
Jesus Villegas no supreme -RULER- the things that make straight lines
Creuction I approve
@@the6ix72 raping? Naaa bro uncool, uncool
I don’t know what happened.. one minute I was watching a video, the next I’m 2 hours into reading the comments
Damn same here. Thanks for breaking me from the trance
Same
Jack - facts
And nobody is even commenting on the video.
This made me laugh the most because it's true.
My friend at the bar asks me how do I get so many women? I said, I put a Potato down my pants, it's a great ice breaker. The next night he tried it, when I arrived I noticed that he was all alone, like a force field around him. I asked what was going on, he said I put a potato down my pants like you told me! I checked it out and said "The Potato goes in the front of the pants!"
A Horse walks into a Bar and the Bartender says: "Why the long face?"
2 antennas meet on the roof, fall in love, and decide to get married.
The wedding wasn't much, but
the reception was great!
michael Harris simple but gold
michael Harris 😂😂
Needs more likes.
HAHAHAH!!
I don't know why but I did find this funny
I got in trouble for putting a woman’s rights book in the fiction section
Brenden Inmon Damn 😂
Wow
All I have to say is one word..... YES.
ha
That is pure .......... Uh...... Sexism?
Man brings flowers home for his wife. She says "well, i guess I'm gonna have to spread my legs" he says "Why? Dontcha have a vase?"
I love how the earth spins, it really makes my day.
Unfortunately not true for all our flat earther friends...
Guy checks in to the hospital. The next day, the doctor comes in and says “well sir, we have bad news and worse news. Which would you like first”. the man replies “start with the bad”. The doctor says “unfortunately, you only have 24 hours to live.” The patient exclaims, “well what the hell could be worse news than that??” Doctor says “i forgot to tell you yesterday”
HAHAHA that was actually good!
A man goes to the doctor the doctor says he has 2 days left...so he killed him
Judge gave him 20 years
Jake Harvey D
Jake Harvey I needed to laugh
That's messed up
A guy walks into a bar, takes a seat at the bar table, he looks to his left and notices a really small man about a foot tall playing a piano.
The guys asks the bartender "who is that really small man playing the piano and how did you get him?"
The bartender says "you see that small lamp behind me? I got that when I traveld around the middle east. If you rub it, a genie will pop out and grant you a wish. But there's something not quite right about the genie. You are more than welcome to go out back and try it"
So the guy take the lamp out back. A few minuts later the guy comes back and says "what the heck! Whats wrong with this genie? I asked for a thousand bucks and I got a thousand DUCKS!"
The bartender says "Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Lmfao
No the bartender wanted a 12 inch pe.nis
If I had a table I would be smacking it laughing lol 👍
Who tf asks for a thousand bucks I would’ve asked for a million
@@jordonfolger7202 oh yeah......!?
WTF are you going to do with a million ducks ?
Went to Vienna Austria to see the grave of the great Ludwig van Beethoven. As I approached his grave I was shocked to see Beethoven sitting there , erasing all his music. I said, "What are you doing" ?? - " Decomposing obviously"
Bloody brilliant. Cheers mate, owe you a drink for that one.
Two fleas, close friends from Detroit Michigan, always go down and meet in Miami during the winter months. They travel separately, but they meet up at the same bar once they get to Miami. One year the first flea is waiting at the bar when the second flea arrives. The second flea is freezing cold, purple, blue lips, and shivering. The first flea asks him how he got down from Detroit? The second flea says "I was riding on the mustache of a man riding a Harley down the freeway." "No, no ,no" says the first flea "Next year, you go to the Detroit Airport, you go to the airport bar, you wait for a female flight attendant with luggage marked 'Miami'. You climb up her leg, you will find a nice warm and fuzzy spot. Take a nap. A couple of hours later you will wake up in Miami, and you come here to meet me." A year goes by, and again the first flea is waiting for his friend at the bar. The second flea arrives freezing cold, purple, blue lips, and shivering. "What Happened!?!?!?" Asked the first flea. "I did what you told me. I went to the Detroit Airport, I went to the airport bar, I saw a female flight attendant with luggage marked 'Miami'. I crawled up her leg, found that nice warm fuzzy spot you told me about, and I took a nap. I woke up on the mustache of a man riding a Harley down the freeway."
saberjpg1975 Ha! This goes to my Harley friend!
Now that's some funny shit right there.
I'm in public stopp 😂
Lol
saberjpg1975 w
A doctor is examining three old men for suspected memory loss he turns the first old man and says what's 3 x 3 man says 156.
turns to the second old man says what's 3 x 3 of the guy says Tuesday. turns the last old man says what's 3 x 3 the old man says 9. Doctor says thats right howd you figure it out he says i just subtracted tuesday from 156
SPARKY SINN r/whooosh
I dont get it....please explain
@@billylena8097 all 3 old men all have memory loss so they dont remember the most basic things
@@shadowwalker3019 O....ok thanks for explaining it
FoxTheGamer kid ah, didn’t see the “see more” button. They clarified they weren’t actually being serious below a literal mountain of newlines.
At the bar the other night when my wife rings me and says "Dinner is ready and if you don't come home right away I'm giving it to the dog"! Well, I finished my beer and went straight home, ... I mean, I love that dog!
You dont want that dog to die 😂
Why does that frisbee keep getting bigger, I wondered.
And then it hit me.
Well tell me then?
@@MightyDrunken ahaa
I have been reading the comments for like an hour. Btw there are some great storys
Me too
Already two hours reading this comment section.
3 guys are walking through the forest.all of a sudden they all collapse. They wake up at the foot of a cheeroke chief. The cheif says u must collect 10 pieces of 1 fruit and come back here if not u will be killed.well the first guy walks in with some apples.the chief says to shove all 10 up his ass without making any emotion well on the 3rd apple he cries,he is killed.2nd guy walks in with grapes, the chief says to do the same thing well on the nineth grape he randomly starts to laugh uncontrollably he is killed.guy 1 meets guy 2 in heaven the first guy ask why he randomly laughed he could have lived!
The 2nd guy said,"well u see the 3rd guy walked in with pineapples"🤣
Snoop Cat ouuchhhhh
OMG I don't even know what to say
Lol
Your supposed to have a space after a period.
GG
Even people who have never had a run-in with the IRS will love this joke! BRAVO!
Thank you all, I needed this now if I can get myself off the floor from laughing so hard.
You know, girls are a lot like hurricanes
They come in wet and wild and leave with your house and cars
Underrated🤣🤣🤣
AND MONEY
And your virginity
And kids
Kodydrake 🤣
Old married couple is fed up with neighbor's barking dog left in back yard. Old woman tells husband to go over and tell the neighbor to shut their dog up. He barks constantly! Old man leaves, comes back. But the dog is barking even louder! Old woman asks husband what happened. Old guy says, "I put their dog in OUR yard, now let's see how THEY like it"!!
Good one! I hate it when my own damn dogs bark!! Oy
I literally just died
Ba dum tissss
p schaub lmao...could’ve been a blonde or polish joke
Nice surpise. Good joke.
Not only a hilarious joke but so well told. Love that accent so much as well 😍
I needed a good laugh today thank you.🤣
See this little boy really wanted 70$ for christmas so he wrote santa a letter telling him how much he'd want to have 70$ because his family was to poor to give the boy that amount of money.
He writes the letter and his letter goes right to the mail center.The ladies there see the letter and feel so bad for the little boy that they decide to gather some money and make his wish come true.
They tell all the workers there and they manage to get 50 dollars and they send them to him.
The boy is so excited he writes back to santa:"dear santa i thank u very much for ur gift but pls next time deliver them directly to me because those bitches at the mail center got 20$,thank u"
LOL
Thought this was heart warming, turned out to be me
BRUHH
Lmao
I heard this before it’s still funny 😂
Kid goes to a campground with his family. They go to a general store for supplies. Theres an indian out front. Hes holding a sign that says "longest memory in the world. Ask me anything"
The kid walks up and says "how". The Indian says "how". The kid says "what did you have for breakfast on this day 15 years ago?' The indian says "eggs". The kid thinks "he could've just made that up"
20 years go by. The kid becomes a man and has a family. They go to the same campground. There's the same indian with the same sign. The man walks up to him and says "how ". The indian says "scrambled"
I like that
I don't get it. .😕
Scrambled eggs.
Raj Brar Well he has such a good memory he not only remembered the same person 20 years later but where their conversation left off 😉🤣
Good one!
That was everthing i expected and more 🤣🤣
Man that is always funny bro. Love that joke. I’ve seen this video many times and always makes me laugh
This man was driving out of town to the beach and the speed limit is 70mph so he sees a state trooper tail gating him so he desires to go 80mph than he sees the lights and hears the siren so he speeds up to 90 than 100 he finally gets to 110 when he decides to stop before they throw the spikes on him so the trooper goes up to him and tells him if u can give me one good reason why you where speeding I'll let you go so the man says well sir about 2 years ago my wife left me for a state trooper I thought you where bringing her back 😂😂😂
ohhhh I'm gonna use that. maybe.
Seriously, my dad used this on a Kentucky State Trooper and the trooper's stone cold face started to quiver, finally busted up laughing and, told him to slow down. I was in disbelief.
Fell asleep
Now that is funny
Noe Lopez too bad I can't copy and paste it. Hahaha.
These comments have far surpassed the initial joke.
Craig Eddy: You have a bee on your head.
That was the best.joke I've heard in a long old time. God bless you.
Check out a vid called
JIMMY STEWART TELLS THE FUNNIEST JOKE EVER (I think)
and then go read THAT comment section. Good ones.
Rofl! I got a pretty good kick out of that one. Here's one for you:
A blonde goes down to New Orleans looking for some alligator shoes. She walks into a shoe store, but the clerk tells her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but we're fresh out." So she says, "Well, darn! I guess I'll have to go hunt some myself," to the clerk's amazement, who then replied in his thick Cajun accent, "Aight! Go on with yo bad self!".
Later on in da day, dat clerk is getting off work and he drivin' home, and along da way, he passing a bayou and looks over and he see dat blonde out there in da water wit a shotgun rifle. Sauex he stop and get out da car and gauexs, "Dis I gotta see!". While he watching from afar, an alligator come up out da water bout to eat dat blonde for dinner. Dat woman raise up dat shotgun and blow a hole right tru da belly o' dat gator and it falls dead in da water. She take hold of, drags it to shore next to 3 others she killed, rolls it over, and throws her hands up in frustration and hollers, "Dis one don't have no shoes either!".
Oh thank you . I enjoy using accent talk myself. Makes it that much funnier. And I have never heard that one before. Funny on so many levels. xoxoxo
12 year old Johnny comes home from school to see dad at the kitchen table. "Dad, my homework is that I have to explain the difference between reality and potentiality. "
So dad thinks for a minute, then says, "Ok, go ask your mom if she'd sleep with the mailman for $100,000."
He runs away and comes back a couple minutes later. "Dad! Dad! She said for $100,00, she definitely would!"
"Ok," Dad says, "Now go ask your older sister if she'd sleep with our neighbor for $100,000."
A little while later, Johnny comes back. "Dad! Jenny said for $100,000 she'd sleep with ALL our neighbors!"
Dad nods his head, sagely. He looks at his son and says, "Well, Johnny, potentially we're sitting on $200 grand, but in reality we're living with a couple of whores..."
You win.
My dude same here good job
That's so funny.
😂😂😂
I did them both for free johnny.
There were 2 blind guys fighting, how do you make them stop
Say loudly I bet my money on the one with the knife
😂
Lol
Hahahaha. They would be both like oh fuck no and get scared. 😂
@@italygristal9315 lol
@@italygristal9315 thank you for explaining the joke
hahahahaha Excellent!!! You told it with such charisma and enthusiasm I was laughing so much before the punch line! Made my day, brother!
Man walked into the bar with a gun…who’s been sleeping with my wife…bartender looks at him and tells him you don’t have enough bullets