An Irishman is walking along the beach at sunset. He looks ahead and sees a piece of metal sticking out of the sand glimmering in the sunlight. He digs it up, and to his surprise it is a magic lamp. "No way," he says. So he rubs it and sure enough, out pops the Genie of the Lamp!! The Genie tells him, "I will grant you three wishes, any three wishes you want." The Irishman thinks long and hard about this. He doesn't want to waste a wish. So finally he says, "I want a tall cold glass of Guinness that never goes dry." The Genie says,, "Your wish is my command!" And poof a tall cold glass of Guinness appears in the Irishman's hand. He says, "Wow, this is great!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again. "Unbelievable!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again. "This is amazing!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again. "I can't believe this!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again. By now the Genie is getting a little impatient, "What do you want for your other two wishes?" The Irishman points to his glass and replies, "I want two more of these!"
An Irishman who was running late for giving away his daughter- Prays- Lord if you'd find it in your mercy to have a parking spot for me near the church- Ill give up drinkin, and just as he says it, a car backs out of a parking spot right near the front door. The irishman says- Nevermind Lord, I found one !
Two unemployed Irishmen looking in the local Job Centre window - an ad. says - Tree fellers wanted - Paddy says to Mick - 'ah tis a shame there's only two of us'.
As an Irishman who lives in Ireland I have to tell you the story of a man from Dublin who decided he had spent too much time in the city and needed to explore the open countryside a bit more. He got into his car and after about thirty miles or so he came upon a very picturesque village and decided to have a walk about. To his surprise he saw a funeral hearse approach with a very grim faced man walking behind it with a big Irish wolfhound on a leash. And behind that he saw six men walking in a single file. The Dublin visitor approached the man with the wolfhound and asked who the deceased was. He replied "it's my wife" to which the visitor replied how she had died? The chief mourner answered that she had been mauled to death by the wolfhound. The visitor then asked if he could buy the wolfhound to which the chief mourner replied "join the queue"
A newly arrived inmate is confused on his first day in prison when he hears another inmate call out "Number 25!", which is then followed by laughter and chuckles from around the cellblock. A while later another inmate calls out, "Number 12!", again followed by laughter. This goes on throughout the day with various numbers being called out followed by snickers and guffaws. Finally he asks his cellmate, "What's with everyone laughing at numbers?" "They're jokes", says his roomie. "We assigned numbers to them so we don't have to recite them word for word. It's easier that way." Eventually the newcomer learns which numbers are for which jokes and then tries it out himself. "Number 32!", he yells out. No response. He makes another attempt, "Number 13!", followed again by silence. "What gives?" he asks the cellmate. "Oh well", he's told, "you know how it is, some people can tell a joke, and some people can't."
My father ,may the lord rest him drank a half bottle of whiskey every day for as long as I can remember ,when he died we had him cremated , it took 3 days to put the fire out .
Shamus said to Patrick- " When I die, I want ye to pour a qurt o the finest Irish whiskey O'er me grave" to which Patrick replied-" Do ye mind if it passes trew me kidneys first ?"
The CEO's of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness were having their annual get together. They were sitting in the ancient and cavernous boardroom of the Guinness Brewery in Dublin. As they sat down at the old table made from ancient barrel staves a waiter appeared and asked them what they would like to drink. The CEO of Coors said: "I'll have a pint of Coors please... the world's most refreshing beer!" The CEO of Budweiser said: "I'll have a pint of Bud... the king of beers!" The CEO of Guinness: "I'll have a glass of water please." Astonished, the other two looked at him and asked why he was not going to have a pint of Guinness... and his reply was: "Well, if you two aren't going to drink beer then neither am I."
Reminds me of the lad who got locked inside the Budweiser factory over the bank holiday weekend. When they finally found the fella on Tuesday morning he was barely alive and drinking his piss out of his own shoe.
Thanks to Mike loved that joke and to all you who had the jokes in the comment section I am now wiping my eyes from laughing so much. Thank you to you all you have made my day lol.
Like you, I grew up in an Irish family with roots in this country to 1850. My father was a Trollyman and later a bus driver in CT. To make a long story short, after working for 48 years he retired and in his retirement never heard from any of his Irish friends and work mates. Well, in 1967 he passed away. The wake was held at an Irish funeral home in Hartford CT. When we arrived it was valet parking only and we figured that a very important person must have died as well. We were shocked to see that all of these people were there for my father. One by one the filed by our family with words like, a finer man never lived, Edward was the salt of the Earth, Edward will be missed by so many etc. Well after about 10 minutes of these glowing praises, my mother leaned over and whispered to me, "Go and see if that's your father in that box."
Two irish lads, Mick and Paddy, applying for a job at the local church for undertakers. The priest interviews Mick first and asks him "do ye have a spade"?. "Right here father" replies Mick holding up his spade. "good"! says the priest and he asks him his second question "Mick if you're a man of God, you'll be able to tell me the first man and woman on earth". "that'd be Adam and Eve" replies Mick. "fantastic, Youve got the job"! says the priest. Mick leaves the room to call paddy in for his interview. A nervous Paddy asks Mick "what were the questions". " he asked who the first man and woman on earth were" says Mick. "I'll never remember that"! shouts Paddy. Mick tries to calm him down and says "I'll write it on the side of yer shovel". The preist calls Paddy in and asks him, "Do you know who the fist man and woman on earth were"? Paddy sneaks a quick look at the side of his spade before telling him... "that's easy.... Spear and Jackson!"
My favorite Irish Joke: Paddy walks into his Local on a Saturday afternoon, sits right up at the bar in his usual seat but, he's looking very sad this day. The barkeep says to him "Paddy, what seems to be the problem today, you're looking all forlorn and depressed.." Paddy says "I am just that and if you have a couple of minutes I'll tell you why." The barkeep says "For my most loyal of customers, I'm all ears." So Paddy looks out the back window of the pub and points to a boatdock out on the lake and says "Do ye see that boatdock? I built that dock with me own hands.. Cut down the trees with me favorite axe, planed the wood to a smooth finish, even made my own nails to hold it all together.." The bartender says "Aye Paddy, I've seen that boat dock in the worst storms we've had and it's strong as an ox.." and Paddy says "Aye, but, do you ever hear anyone in town saying "Hey, here comes Paddy the dock builder?".. "No Paddy, I can't say that I have." and paddy points out through the window that overlooks the road and says.. "Do ye see that stone wall out there?? I built that wall with me own hands, dug up every stone, cut them with my chisel so they would hold in place, never used a drop of mortar." and the barkeep says "Aye Paddy, I saw a car run right into that wall winter last and it totaled the car but, didn't knock any stones out of place.. A fine wall it is." and Paddy says "Aye, but do you ever hear anyone in town saying "Hey, here comes Paddy the Stone Mason.? and the bartender says "No Paddy, I can't say that I have.." and Paddy says "Ahh but, ye bugger one sheep.."
One fella walked into a pub, sat beside his drinking buddy and said " my wife is driving me to drink," his buddy said why are you complaining " I have to walk here.
English .Irish Scots man had to share a bed...bored ,they couldn't sleep..English guy suggests they play a game of soccer. Each fart would be a goal...English guy farts..that's a goal for England he shouts..scots man let's one go..goal for Scotland he shouts...Irish guy is trying his best, so hard he shits the bed. Half time he shouts...change over.
An Irish man walks into a pub. Orders a beer and a shot of whiskey. He drinks the beer and pours the shot in his shirt pocket. Orders another round, drinks the beer and pours the shot in his shirt pocket. Orders another round. The bartender says " Why you pouring the shot in your shirt pocket?" The Irish man says " Don't mess with me ! " A mouse pops out of his shirt pocket and says " That goes for your DAM CAT TOO ! "
Two old Irishmen Patrick and Michael were sitting on a park bench one day. Patrick looked at Michael and said, Michael, I don't how much longer I'm going to be around this beautiful earth and I was wondering if you would do me a bit of a favor. Michael said "I'd more than obliged to". Patrick said " When I pass away, I want you go and buy a goood bottle of Irish whiskey, and poor it over me grave. Would you do that for me ? Michael said " I'd be more than obliged, But would you mind if it passed through me kidneys first ? !!!!!!!!
I love that. One of my favourites is a tourist in Ireland asks a local for directions to somewhere. The local thinks about it for a moment and says "Well I wouldn't start from here".
A man in a Rolls Royce stops and asks a gypsy peddler -Is this the best way to #Dublin? Gyspy scratches his head, & says It's a darn sight better than walking to be sure ..
Paddy O' Tool, a worker at the Guinness Brewery knocks on the door of a coworker's (Shamus O' Brian) house. The coworker's wife answers the door. "Hello Paddy." "What are you doing here?" "Where's Shamus?" "I'm afraid there was an accident at the brewery today." "Shamus fell into a vat of Guinness Stout Beer and drowned." "Oh Lord!" "That's terrible!" Said the wife. "Please tell me at least he went quickly." "Well, not exactly." "He had to get out 3 times to go pee."
Sean goes to confession and tells Fr O'Neill that he cursed on the golf course. Fr says 'tell me what happened'. Sean says "Me drive was heading into the woods', Ah said the priest, that's the time to curse. No,no said Sean. The ball hit a tree and bounced onto the fairway, a beautiful lie. "Tell me more' said the priest. My second shot, to the green dropped into the stream of water. Ah, said the priest. That's the time to curse, when your ball goes into the water. No,no said Sean "the ball bounced on a rock and flew up onto the green rolling and rolling then stopping just 6 inches from the hole Father. Six inches!! Priest said "don't tell me you missed the fooking putt"!
Visiting County Kerry seeking a long lost relative, an English couple, themselves now lost near Tralee, negotiate a lengthy driveway through three gates to a home on the hillside to ask directions. Lady answers door all smiles. "Would you know where Maurice O'Reilly lives, please?" "Oh no dear, I'm sorry I don't." So back down the driveway and while closing the last gate, look back to see the farmer's wife waving them back. So up to the house again where the Irish lady announces helpfully, "I've been asking my husband and he doesn't know either!"
Guy goes into the pub, sits up at the bar and orders a beer. As he's sitting there he sees a giant glass jar filled with cash. So he asks the bartender "Wow, is that your tip jar?" The bartender replies "oh no, thats the jar for the contest." "what contest is that" the man asks. "Its $20 to try but, whoever completes the 3 tasks gets to keep all the money in the jar." "Well what are the 3 tasks?" he asks. "Task 1 is, ...see that great big guy at the end of the bar, ...you have to go down there and knock him out with 1 punch. Task 2 is, ...we have this mean old Rottweiler out back with a bad tooth, you have to go out there and pull his tooth out. And Task 3 is, ...we have this 90 year old woman who lives up stairs, who hasnt been fIIcked in 20 years, and you have to go up there and give it to her real hard." So the man says "Ok, I'll give it a try" So he puts a $20 bill in the jar and walks down to the end of the bar and winds up and sucker punches the big guy right off the stool and out cold. Then he walks behind the bar and out the back door, and the bartender hears a snarling, vicious, horrifying, ruckus from outside and a few minutes later the guy walks in completely disheveled, shirt torn, bloodied and scratched up, and says "Alright so wheres this old lady that needs her tooth pulled?!"
I’ve heard one similar, thought this was it when first started reading it. It ends, with the bartender making high bets with all of em, dog not included, that he could get the guy to go through with the tasks.
An Irish man Mick,driving home from the pub late at night, well full, gets stopped by the cops (The Guards) The Guard says where are you off to now, he says I'm going to a lecture on the negative effects of drinking, smoking staying out late and not spending quality time with close family members can have on both the the family and the person in question. Oh right says the Guard, and who would be giving such a lecture at this hour of the night says he,, Me wife says Mick as he speeds away...
A woman sees a Kerry man SCUBA diver and asks him why they always jump out of the boat backwards? The Kerry man laughs hysterically and says "Christ if we jumped forwards we'd still be inside the boat".
Cop pulls an Irish man over , he asks, have you been drinking today, the Irish man answer's yes I had 12 whiskeys! The cop says would you take a breathalyzer? The Irish man says What you don't believe me !
I remember my old dad, who was a true Irish man from Kerry, falling down the stairs with a whole crate of Guinness and never spilled a drop. He kept his mouth shut.
In an Irish grade school little Patty was asked to use the word contagious in a sentence. Little Patty says: "While I was driving down the road with me Dah we came across a woman painting a fence. Me Dah turned to me and said 'its gonna take that cont-ages to paint that fence!' ".
Paddy and Seamus were walking down a country lane when Paddy spots two sticks of dynamite on the floor, he picks them up and puts them in his pocket, and he says to Seamus " I'll hand these into the police".. Seamus says " But what if one goes off".. Paddy says " Then I'll tell them I only found ONE stick"
My Irish Catholic father from Dublin was a teatotaler. It may sound like an oxymoron but he was one. I asked him before he died why he wouldn't drink despite the reputation of Irish Catholics being heavy drinkers. He and his brothers heard Matthew Talbot give his life testimony as an alcoholic in Dublin. Dad and his two brothers took a temperance pledges as young men and kept their promise not to touch alcohol until their dying days. Alcohol is the curse of the Irish. They can't hold their liquor. But then, who can?
Guy goes to confession. The priest says: "And what is your confession, my child?" The guy sputters out: "Father...uh. Father, I...I rode a girl from Cork.". The priest quips: "Well, my child, -'tis better than walking."
Paddy and Mike were walking down the road. Paddy asks “I haven’t seen Shawn lately, have you? Mike replies, “Shawn saw a sign that said ‘Drink Canada Dry’. So he went!”
Paddy applies for a job in a warehouse and when he goes for the interview hes asked can you drive a forklift, paddy replies no i cant, hes then asked can you make Tea, paddy replies holy fuck how big are the tea bags.
Fan writes to Bob Dylan to ask to meet him backstage after the concert.Gets a curt reply,saying'no you can't'.Unimpressed fan comments'and he can't even spell'.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Vincent's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Vincent's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Two Irishmen walking home from the pub on the railroad tracks. One says Paddy these are the longest stairs I've ever been on. Paddys says aye tis' that all right but it's these fookin' low handrails that's killing me.
Not what many would consider to be a "knee-slapper" simply because they just don't understand. Not their fault. But I understand. Your joke was very good, Mike, brought back some good memories of my Father, a Boston Police Officer and I had a good laugh too. And for that, I am grateful. Paul, Jamaica Plain.
These jokes are timeless and the stuff of life! Dave Allen was my favourite TV Irish joke teller back in the day poking harmless fun at every culture and creed. In the snowflake PC times we live in this would all be classified as 'racist' - sad old world.
i being a half irishman, can laugh at myself half of the time, an i'm an ass the other half of the time, but mostly i'm nearly always half assed. God i love a good joke.
An Irish man takes his giraffe to the pub, as soon as they get there the giraffe needs a little nap and lies down. The bartender comes over and asks “ what’s that layin there”? The Irish man says “ that’s not a lion, it’s me giraffe!”
We Irish are considered the most liked/likeable people/nation on the Planet. Ireland is arguably the most beautiful geographical entity (country) on said Planet. - A Donegal Lad Abroad.
Agree 100%! My wife and I, neither of whom are a speck of Irish, went to Ireland for our 30th anniversary. By far the best trip abroad we've ever taken. Lovely people, breathtakingly beautiful, and, despite what we we told, great food! Looking forward to going back with friends soon.
I can’t rebuke that statement/opinion as I’ve never been to Ireland (I consider it a cruel mistake that I wasn’t born there). But I feel it is my duty to emphatically insist the most beautiful geographical “entity” must be the Great Pacific Northwest in Washington state.
An Irishman falls down the steps... as he is tumbling he remembers the pint in his back pocket... upon landing he feels a wetness in his hind area... as he reaches back he says, "I hope that is blood I feel"...
I’ve a joke- that is obviously fiction but smacks with a grain of truth- told to me by my Irish father-in-law... an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman go into a local together (right off that’s how you know it’s fictitious) and each order a pint at the exact same time. The publican delivers the three malt beverages at the exact same time, setting them each in front of the three men. At the exact time they are set down, an insect flies into each drink. The Englishman turns his nose in the air and pushes the beer away, demanding of the Barman a new beer. The Scotsman picks the fly out, tosses it away, and drinks the beer anyway. The Irishman pinches the insect out and shouts at the bug, “Spit it out, that’s my beer!”
Now, see the version I know, is the Irishman looks at the beer, Shrugs, and starts drinking anyway. The Scotsman pulls the insect out by the wings, gets right in its face and starts swearing it it to spit it out. 🤣
@@lilthommodt me too - Scots are tight with money - English are stiff dullard's, and the Irish do things backwards, that's the way it's always been.... yes I'm a Brit and I have two of those identities. :D
A teacher tells her primary school class that they will be learning about Robin Hood today and asks if anyone knows anything about him. So Johnny puts his hand up saying. "He was from Nottingham Miss". "Very good" the teacher tells him "And anyone else"? she asks Then Davey pipes up with. "He used to rob from the rich and give to the poor Miss". "That's right" she tells him "Anything else"? So wee Seamus puts his hand up and says. "Da girlfriend was called Trudie Glenn Miss". "Er no Seamus, that was Maid Marian" she tells him "But where did you get Trudie Glenn from"? she asks "From da song Miss dat goes Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudie Glenn"!
The foreman on a building site asked the Irishman who was looking for a job "Do you know the difference between a girder & a joist?" "Sure I do" replied the Irishman " Goethe wrote Faust & Joyce wrote Ulysses!" (to be read with an Irish accent!)
2 Scotsmen, Welshmen, Irishmen and Englishmen were marooned on a desert Island after their ship went down. When the rescue party arrived 3 months later the Welshmen had started a barber shop duet singing with tea towels etc.. The Scotsmen had made their own Whiskey Still and were full drunk. the two Irish men were black n blue from fighting each other and the two Englishmen were still waiting to be introduced.
Mine is a bit risque. True story. My mother's father immigrated to America from Germany. My father's family was of english, irish, and scottish ancestry. One day, driving around and shopping, my wife was looking at a catalog called Cash's of Ireland. Knick-knacks, jewelry, assorted stuff that give tribute to Ireland. She is of purely german ancestry. She said, "I wish I had some irish in me." In my best irish accent, I replied, "Aye, lass, do you want some, then?" She punched me in the arm and I knew my work was done.
Knock at the door one evening. The wife answers it. "Mrs. Murphy. Paddy fell into one of the vats down at the brewery...and he's drowned!" She says, "Oh, saints be. I'll be betting he suffered something terrible, eh? The gent says, " Well, no missus, I wouldn't exactly say he suffered. He got out twice to go to the bathroom."
Two Irish men friends for years and one Pat lay dying so told his friend Mike to hand him down a dust covered bottle of whiskey. Mike when I'm dead and buried sprinkle this whiskey on me grave.Mike says would you mind if I run it through me kidneys first.
An Irishman had an accident in a major city. He ran into the rear of the car in front of him. While he waited for the police, he decided to take a sip out of his flask. When the cops arrived they opened his car door and he fell right out onto the street. One officer looked at him and said, “Why are you driving in this condition?”. He responded with, “Well, I was too drunk to walk”.
Pfft you nicked that from the film with Matt Damon. The Departed. 😂. Sigmund Freud did say something like that. But cmon you nicked it from the film. No harm done🍀😊
You're full of it, because Freud never said it. www.freud.org.uk/2019/04/30/10-quotes-wrongly-attributed-to-sigmund-freud/ I guess whoever you did nick it from, nicked it from the movie. Even more lame.
Two Irish Pilots Michael and Paddy ... they are flying this plane ... but now it is time to land Michael being the Captain, says Paddy we are getting close to the runway so lower the flaps, drop the landing gear and get ready for touchdown. The plane's wheels hit the runway, Michael throws the flaps for reverse thrust and Paddy is stamping as hard as he can on the brakes ... they manage to stop the plane right on the edge of the runway. Michael looks at Paddy and says ... Fuck me that is a fucking short runway then Paddy looks out the window and says to Michael .. it is fucking wide.
A Scotsman, Irishman and Englishman walk into a bar. An fly lands in the beer of the Englishman and he pushes the beer aside and orders another. Another fly lands in the Scotsman beer, he pulls the fly out and keeps drinking. Another fly lands in the Irishmans beer. The Irishman pulls the fly out, squeezes it and says, "spit it out you little bastard!
An English man walks into a bar in Dublin. He steps up to an old fella in the bar and says “which is the quickest way to Cork?” The old fella says, “have you got a car or are you on foot?” Englishman says, “I’ve got a car”. They old Irishman says, “well that will be the quickest way”.
At a convent in Ireland, the old Mother Superior was dying. Every evening all the young nuns would gather round her bed as she drank a glass of milk. They were hoping she would gain enough strength to give them some final words of wisdom. One of the young nun's father was a great maker of Poitín (Irish moonshine). He always claimed that it had marvelous medicinal properties. She got her father to send her a wee jug of this elixer. That night the young nun poured some of the Poitín in the Mother Superior's evening glass of milk. Mother Superior takes a sip and a little color comes into her cheeks. Another sip and sparkle comes to her eyes. She finishes the glass and sits up in bed. The nuns say praise be, it's a miracle. We were afraid you'd leave us without your final words of wisdom. The Mother Superior says, "don't sell that bloody cow".
My. Buddy Mr Coyle brought some Poitin back to the States, good sipping. Took my voice away momentarily,smooth as silk, no burn like that rubbing alcohol they call Everclear. ( garbage)Best drink I Ever had🥂
An old Irishman walks into a Irish pub in New York City and sits next to another old Irishman. he says "Barkeep, a shot of Jamison's". Hearing this the other old man says "judging by your accent are you from Ireland?" "Yes I am" He says "Well so am I, may I join you in a drink", "sure" he says, "Barkeep 2 shots of Jamison's". They hold the glass in the air. "Here's to the Emerald isle". And they both shot the shots back' " Where were you born in Ireland?" one says, "well I am from Dublin", "You are from Dublin?" other says, "I'm from Dublin, Barkeep 2 more shots". They hold there glass in the air "here's to Dublin". And they shot the shots back. "Where did you go to school?" one says "Well I went to the fine St Mary's". "Your joking!" the other says "I went to St Mary's, this is unbelievable, Barkeep 2 more shots". They hold there glass in the air and they both shot the shots back. "May I be so bold as to ask when you were born? one says. "Well I was born on a spring day in April 1942. the other says. "Jesus, Joseph and Mary" the other shouts "I was born in April 1942! I cant believe my luck meeting you, Barkeep! 2 more shots and leave the bottle. Meanwhile another man at the end of the bar has been listening to this and ask the bartender "what going on with those two?", the Bartender replies "Oh that just the O'Brian twins, there drunk again".
@@augustinehourigan7453 I'm Scottish..in England, take every sarcastic comment thrown at me and give back as good as I get..it's the only thing left that they haven't taken from us and I won't let them..Scottish, English, Irish and Welsh..we've always taken the pish out of each other..when they take that away I'm moving to Australia 🤪
How many Irish folk singers does it take to change a light bulb??? Only 2 I’d them! One to actually change the bulb and the other to write a song about just how good the old one was :-)
A couple years ago I saw my cousin for the first time in several years. Unfortunately we were at the hospital due to her father’s health. Anyway she was sitting there with a blanket and she smiled really big and pulled the folded blanket back to show me her her 8 and a half month pregnant tummy. I immediately asked if it was hers and she laughed so much her hubby thought she might just go into labor and have the baby right then and there!
On a Bus touring Ireland. The Tour Guide picks up the microphone and says WE ARE NOW PASSING THE OLDEST PUB IN IRELAND, and Paddy let’s a shout from the back of the Bus . WHY.
I,ll never forget this old irish bloke i knew who once said that he went to a disco one evening and said to the bloke on the door if you let me in free i,ll get u a pint so the doorman said ok go for it he said the pint was £4.50 but it was only £2 to charity to get into the disco....and thats a true story.
A group of Irish were holidaying in NZ, whilst driving through the countryside they noticed three Maori guys digging a hole on the side of the road. Laying next to the hole was a pole and a ladder. Being visitors they stopped and decided to chat with these Maori guys, but just then two of the Maori guys put the pole on their shoulders and the other guy grabbed the ladder. and they started walking to a shed next to the road. Then they lent the pole against the shed and the other guy put the ladder next to the pole. One of the Maori guys then took a measuring tape out of his pocket and was about to climb the ladder..........By this time the Irish visitors were totally confused.......they dug the hole over there, but they've lent the pole against this shed over here. One of the Irish visitors couldn't take it anymore walked over to the Maori with the measuring tape and asked him " Exscuse what are you doing ?" The Maori guy replied "Im gonna measure this pole " This really peaked the Irishmans curiousity.. "Measure the pole ....why didnt you just measure it while it was laying on the ground ?' The Maori guy Looked at the Irishman dumbfounded and said, Ï thought you Irish were clever people can't you see its the height of the pole we want to know not the Length!!!" Told by a Irish/Maori Kia ora all
This is a true story. I used to work in Colombia (South America) with some Irish guys and they were both fun and dangerous to party with. Loved U2. There was one older one (we called him "Irish Mike" - for all I know that was his real name). He could not say a sentence without saying fuggin 20 times before it ended. The younger Conner and Cathel were characters too. They had a small flat together and one of their roomates fell down and hurt his leg. They called an ambulance and they went in and while they were attending to that Chathel took the ambulance for a joy ride siren blasting. We went to a strip club together and Conner and Cathel were up there undressing with the strippers. An American friend of theirs (and mine) lived with them and had a birthday. They got him drunk. He passed out and they hired a couple of gay prostitutes to come and strip next to him and took pictures. I would have killed them but they were a hoot. Love them.
Guinness had a meeting of its labor union members to consider topics for a New Contract. One of the suggestions from the Safety Committee was that management should put up a net around the top of the vats, to prevent any of the men from falling in. The other members chased him from the room, as they considered it not a hazard but a Fringe Benefit.
I am an Irish man 37 and he is right we do love to laugh at ourselves, funny joke, I thought the punchline was going to be "I'm the designated driver" but designated drivers in Éire are taxi drivers
Paddy and Mike were walking down the road. Paddy falls down a hole and he shouts to Mike "Call me an ambulance! ". Mike starts shouting "Paddy's an ambulance!"
I needed a good laugh!...That was it.. Having been raised by an Irish American 'Mom' and a 'German American' Da.. I can tell you, I was 'proof' that if the Germans made it, the Irish would drink it!... It's now almost 20 years since I've had a 'drink'..
I've heard that joke before. It was told differently. Much shorter. And the two brothers were in the service still, he got out and promised his war buddies he would have two drinks for them till they got home. You know the rest! 😁👍
Still Think You're Having A Bad Day? Article from the Miami Herald, June 1998 A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio while his wife worked in the kitchen. He was gunning the engine when the bike somehow lurched forward with the man still holding on. The bike crashed through the glass patio doors and ran into a wall, leaving the man cut and bruised on the living room floor. The man's wife called for an ambulance and then, since they lived on a fairly steep hill, went down several flights of stairs to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported her husband to the hospital, the woman up-righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gasoline had spilled on the floor, the wife cleaned it up with paper towels, which she then threw in the toilet. The man was treated and released from the hospital. When he arrived home and saw the broken patio doors and damaged motorcycle, he became despondent and went into the bathroom and sat on the john to think for a while. He then lit a cigarette and tossed the match down between his legs into the toilet bowl. Yep, you guessed it. The wife heard the explosion and her husband screaming and ran in to find him lying face down with burns on his buttocks, the backs of his legs, and his groin. The paramedics loaded the man and started back down the stairs while the wife tried to explain what had happened. The paramedics got to laughing so hard that the one walking backwards lost his footing. The gurney tilted and the patient slid off and rolled the rest of the way down the stairs breaking his arm! Now, has your day really been all that bad?
![ILLSLICK - WINTER IS COMING [Official Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/dwTMeM1zIhQ/mqdefault.jpg)
An Irishman is walking along the beach at sunset. He looks ahead and sees a piece of metal sticking out of the sand glimmering in the sunlight. He digs it up, and to his surprise it is a magic lamp. "No way," he says. So he rubs it and sure enough, out pops the Genie of the Lamp!!
The Genie tells him, "I will grant you three wishes, any three wishes you want."
The Irishman thinks long and hard about this. He doesn't want to waste a wish. So finally he says, "I want a tall cold glass of Guinness that never goes dry." The Genie says,, "Your wish is my command!" And poof a tall cold glass of Guinness appears in the Irishman's hand.
He says, "Wow, this is great!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again.
"Unbelievable!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again.
"This is amazing!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again.
"I can't believe this!" He chugs it down, and vooop it fills back up again.
By now the Genie is getting a little impatient, "What do you want for your other two wishes?"
The Irishman points to his glass and replies, "I want two more of these!"
😂
An Irishman who was running late for giving away his daughter- Prays- Lord if you'd find it in your mercy to have a parking spot for me near the church- Ill give up drinkin, and just as he says it, a car backs out of a parking spot right near the front door. The irishman says- Nevermind Lord, I found one !
Lmaoooooo I bursted in tears!!! Good one!!!
Lol!
That happened to me once myself
U
that was great! and evidence that drinking and praying might not be mixed
Two unemployed Irishmen looking in the local Job Centre window - an ad. says - Tree fellers wanted - Paddy says to Mick - 'ah tis a shame there's only two of us'.
As an Irishman who lives in Ireland I have to tell you the story of a man from Dublin who decided he had spent too much time in the city and needed to explore the open countryside a bit more. He got into his car and after about thirty miles or so he came upon a very picturesque village and decided to have a walk about. To his surprise he saw a funeral hearse approach with a very grim faced man walking behind it with a big Irish wolfhound on a leash. And behind that he saw six men walking in a single file. The Dublin visitor approached the man with the wolfhound and asked who the deceased was. He replied "it's my wife" to which the visitor replied how she had died? The chief mourner answered that she had been mauled to death by the wolfhound. The visitor then asked if he could buy the wolfhound to which the chief mourner replied "join the queue"
Hey, some of my relatives are Irish women... but I reside in another country.
Old David Allen Joke, is all ..
A newly arrived inmate is confused on his first day in prison when he hears another inmate call out "Number 25!", which is then followed by laughter and chuckles from around the cellblock. A while later another inmate calls out, "Number 12!", again followed by laughter. This goes on throughout the day with various numbers being called out followed by snickers and guffaws. Finally he asks his cellmate, "What's with everyone laughing at numbers?"
"They're jokes", says his roomie. "We assigned numbers to them so we don't have to recite them word for word. It's easier that way."
Eventually the newcomer learns which numbers are for which jokes and then tries it out himself.
"Number 32!", he yells out.
No response.
He makes another attempt, "Number 13!", followed again by silence. "What gives?" he asks the cellmate.
"Oh well", he's told, "you know how it is, some people can tell a joke, and some people can't."
My father ,may the lord rest him drank a half bottle of whiskey every day for as long as I can remember ,when he died we had him cremated , it took 3 days to put the fire out .
oh shit thats funny
😂😂😂
That's hilarious. I have all Dave Allen at large shows
ROFLMAO!!!!! I may not be able to wipe the grin off my face for 3 days!!!! Wow! Excellent!
Too funny , nothing like a good irish joke.
Shamus said to Patrick- " When I die, I want ye to pour a qurt o the finest Irish whiskey O'er me grave" to which Patrick replied-" Do ye mind if it passes trew me kidneys first ?"
boom.
I don't drink any more. But I don't drink any less.
for got the,,,Anser,, Question. 😎😎😎😎😎. really. 😁😊@@franksnyder1357
I can't stop laughing... Hahahaha 🤣😂🤣
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The CEO's of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness were having their annual get together. They were sitting in the ancient and cavernous boardroom of the Guinness Brewery in Dublin. As they sat down at the old table made from ancient barrel staves a waiter appeared and asked them what they would like to drink.
The CEO of Coors said: "I'll have a pint of Coors please... the world's most refreshing beer!"
The CEO of Budweiser said: "I'll have a pint of Bud... the king of beers!"
The CEO of Guinness: "I'll have a glass of water please."
Astonished, the other two looked at him and asked why he was not going to have a pint of Guinness... and his reply was:
"Well, if you two aren't going to drink beer then neither am I."
Damn, I'm busting a gut here
Very well said.
I like it
Reminds me of the lad who got locked inside the Budweiser factory over the bank holiday weekend. When they finally found the fella on Tuesday morning he was barely alive and drinking his piss out of his own shoe.
I’ll never forget my fathers last words, he said “son will you stop messing around and hold that ladder steady”.
I remember my grandfather's last words on his deathbed. He said :That's NOT the light switch.".
My fathers last words were " be careful son, that gun is loaded".
Ah yes, I remember my Grandfather's last words... We were walking in town one day and he stopped quickly and said "A bus!"
My father's were: Mary, put down the knife...
You’re all crazy. 🤣🤣🤣
Thanks to Mike loved that joke and to all you who had the jokes in the comment section I am now wiping my eyes from laughing so much. Thank you to you all you have made my day lol.
Like you, I grew up in an Irish family with roots in this country to 1850. My father was a Trollyman and later a bus driver in CT.
To make a long story short, after working for 48 years he retired and in his retirement never heard from any of his Irish friends and work mates. Well, in 1967 he passed away. The wake was held at an Irish funeral home in Hartford CT. When we arrived it was valet parking only and we figured that a very important person must have died as well. We were shocked to see that all of these people were there for my father. One by one the filed by our family with words like, a finer man never lived, Edward was the salt of the Earth, Edward will be missed by so many etc. Well after about 10 minutes of these glowing praises, my mother leaned over and whispered to me, "Go and see if that's your father in that box."
Bob Fitzgibbon ,You Irish Are Really ,Really Funny ,Who The Hell Is In That Pine Box ???
gas
Good one.
Two irish lads, Mick and Paddy, applying for a job at the local church for undertakers. The priest interviews Mick first and asks him "do ye have a spade"?. "Right here father" replies Mick holding up his spade. "good"! says the priest and he asks him his second question "Mick if you're a man of God, you'll be able to tell me the first man and woman on earth". "that'd be Adam and Eve" replies Mick. "fantastic, Youve got the job"! says the priest. Mick leaves the room to call paddy in for his interview. A nervous Paddy asks Mick "what were the questions". " he asked who the first man and woman on earth were" says Mick. "I'll never remember that"! shouts Paddy. Mick tries to calm him down and says "I'll write it on the side of yer shovel". The preist calls Paddy in and asks him, "Do you know who the fist man and woman on earth were"? Paddy sneaks a quick look at the side of his spade before telling him... "that's easy.... Spear and Jackson!"
My favorite Irish Joke:
Paddy walks into his Local on a Saturday afternoon, sits right up at the bar in his usual seat but, he's looking very sad this day. The barkeep says to him "Paddy, what seems to be the problem today, you're looking all forlorn and depressed.."
Paddy says "I am just that and if you have a couple of minutes I'll tell you why."
The barkeep says "For my most loyal of customers, I'm all ears."
So Paddy looks out the back window of the pub and points to a boatdock out on the lake and says "Do ye see that boatdock? I built that dock with me own hands.. Cut down the trees with me favorite axe, planed the wood to a smooth finish, even made my own nails to hold it all together.."
The bartender says "Aye Paddy, I've seen that boat dock in the worst storms we've had and it's strong as an ox.." and Paddy says "Aye, but, do you ever hear anyone in town saying "Hey, here comes Paddy the dock builder?".. "No Paddy, I can't say that I have." and paddy points out through the window that overlooks the road and says.. "Do ye see that stone wall out there?? I built that wall with me own hands, dug up every stone, cut them with my chisel so they would hold in place, never used a drop of mortar." and the barkeep says "Aye Paddy, I saw a car run right into that wall winter last and it totaled the car but, didn't knock any stones out of place.. A fine wall it is." and Paddy says "Aye, but do you ever hear anyone in town saying "Hey, here comes Paddy the Stone Mason.? and the bartender says "No Paddy, I can't say that I have.." and Paddy says "Ahh but, ye bugger one sheep.."
That is funny
First good joke.
It’s the way you tell them.
That's a Welsh Joke.
@@feidhlimidhmacanaltha3644 No it's Scottish 😂😂😂😂😂 could be, same humour
Got pulled over, cop asks "you drinking". I asked "you buying?" We laughed and laughed....I need bail money.
One fella walked into a pub, sat beside his drinking buddy and said " my wife is driving me to drink," his buddy said why are you complaining " I have to walk here.
English .Irish Scots man had to share a bed...bored ,they couldn't sleep..English guy suggests they play a game of soccer. Each fart would be a goal...English guy farts..that's a goal for England he shouts..scots man let's one go..goal for Scotland he shouts...Irish guy is trying his best, so hard he shits the bed. Half time he shouts...change over.
Lolol
@@theeaskey lmao
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
An Irish man walks into a pub. Orders a beer and a shot of whiskey. He drinks the beer and pours the shot in his shirt pocket. Orders another round, drinks the beer and pours the shot in his shirt pocket. Orders another round. The bartender says " Why you pouring the shot in your shirt pocket?" The Irish man says " Don't mess with me ! " A mouse pops out of his shirt pocket and says " That goes for your DAM CAT TOO ! "
I love the Irish. They have such a talent for self depreciating humour. Long may it continue.
(Deprecating)
Sorry I can’t help it
But wonderful that you even know how to use it properly ohhh yesss !
It’s becoming rare, Anthony
Right on
Two old Irishmen Patrick and Michael were sitting on a park bench one day. Patrick looked at Michael and said, Michael, I don't how much longer I'm going to be around this beautiful earth and I was wondering if you would do me a bit of a favor. Michael said "I'd more than obliged to". Patrick said " When I pass away, I want you go and buy a goood bottle of Irish whiskey, and poor it over me grave. Would you do that for me ? Michael said " I'd be more than obliged, But would you mind if it passed through me kidneys first ? !!!!!!!!
I love that. One of my favourites is a tourist in Ireland asks a local for directions to somewhere. The local thinks about it for a moment and says "Well I wouldn't start from here".
A man in a Rolls Royce stops and asks a gypsy peddler -Is this the best way to #Dublin?
Gyspy scratches his head, & says
It's a darn sight better than walking to be sure ..
Paddy O' Tool, a worker at the Guinness Brewery knocks on the door of a coworker's (Shamus O' Brian) house. The coworker's wife answers the door.
"Hello Paddy." "What are you doing here?" "Where's Shamus?"
"I'm afraid there was an accident at the brewery today." "Shamus fell into a vat of Guinness Stout Beer and drowned."
"Oh Lord!" "That's terrible!" Said the wife. "Please tell me at least he went quickly."
"Well, not exactly." "He had to get out 3 times to go pee."
Hahahehe haha brilliant now that's a type of joke I remember...🤗☺️☺️😉
Ha!
Sean goes to confession and tells Fr O'Neill that he cursed on the golf course. Fr says 'tell me what happened'. Sean says "Me drive was heading into the woods', Ah said the priest, that's the time to curse. No,no said Sean. The ball hit a tree and bounced onto the fairway, a beautiful lie. "Tell me more' said the priest. My second shot, to the green dropped into the stream of water. Ah, said the priest. That's the time to curse, when your ball goes into the water. No,no said Sean "the ball bounced on a rock and flew up onto the green rolling and rolling then stopping just 6 inches from the hole Father. Six inches!! Priest said "don't tell me you missed the fooking putt"!
Visiting County Kerry seeking a long lost relative, an English couple, themselves now lost near Tralee, negotiate a lengthy driveway through three gates to a home on the hillside to ask directions. Lady answers door all smiles. "Would you know where Maurice O'Reilly lives, please?" "Oh no dear, I'm sorry I don't." So back down the driveway and while closing the last gate, look back to see the farmer's wife waving them back. So up to the house again where the Irish lady announces helpfully, "I've been asking my husband and he doesn't know either!"
Guy goes into the pub, sits up at the bar and orders a beer. As he's sitting there he sees a giant glass jar filled with cash. So he asks the bartender "Wow, is that your tip jar?" The bartender replies "oh no, thats the jar for the contest." "what contest is that" the man asks. "Its $20 to try but, whoever completes the 3 tasks gets to keep all the money in the jar." "Well what are the 3 tasks?" he asks. "Task 1 is, ...see that great big guy at the end of the bar, ...you have to go down there and knock him out with 1 punch. Task 2 is, ...we have this mean old Rottweiler out back with a bad tooth, you have to go out there and pull his tooth out. And Task 3 is, ...we have this 90 year old woman who lives up stairs, who hasnt been fIIcked in 20 years, and you have to go up there and give it to her real hard."
So the man says "Ok, I'll give it a try" So he puts a $20 bill in the jar and walks down to the end of the bar and winds up and sucker punches the big guy right off the stool and out cold. Then he walks behind the bar and out the back door, and the bartender hears a snarling, vicious, horrifying, ruckus from outside and a few minutes later the guy walks in completely disheveled, shirt torn, bloodied and scratched up, and says "Alright so wheres this old lady that needs her tooth pulled?!"
Nice. 👌👌
Well spoken!
.
I hope he pulled out in time...
I’ve heard one similar, thought this was it when first started reading it. It ends, with the bartender making high bets with all of em, dog not included, that he could get the guy to go through with the tasks.
Cop pulls over Irish driver and asks him Can he identifie himself, the driver looks in his mirror and says yes officer that's definitely me
☺️🤗🤗😆😆😚😚😁
🤣
😅😂🤣
haahhaahha. That's funny!
😁
"Pubs, the official sunblock in Ireland!"
I was once covered in SBC 400. She damn near smothered me.
An Irish man Mick,driving home from the pub late at night, well full, gets stopped by the cops (The Guards) The Guard says where are you off to now, he says I'm going to a lecture on the negative effects of drinking, smoking staying out late and not spending quality time with close family members can have on both the the family and the person in question. Oh right says the Guard, and who would be giving such a lecture at this hour of the night says he,, Me wife says Mick as he speeds away...
When I die,I want to go like me
Grand da.In me sleep
Not the other people in his car cryin' and screaming for their lives.
That's good! That's very good
The best Irish jokes I ever heard were told by Irish people about themselves. Gotta love the Irish :)
Just Fantastic 🤗..
He. Did. Not. De
@@jackbrooks4668 ?!?..
Why are Kerry men not allowed hand grenades in the army?
Whenever they throw them, the enemy would pull the pin and throw them back.
A woman sees a Kerry man SCUBA diver and asks him why they always jump out of the boat backwards?
The Kerry man laughs hysterically and says "Christ if we jumped forwards we'd still be inside the boat".
Irish fella in the pub, his mobile phone rang, he answered it and said "How did you know i was here"?
!
Cop pulls an Irish man over , he asks, have you been drinking today, the Irish man answer's yes I had 12 whiskeys! The cop says would you take a breathalyzer?
The Irish man says
What you don't believe me !
Now that's a good one!
An Irishman, an Italian and a Jew walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “Is this a joke?”
A Priest, a Rabbit and a Minister walked into a bar. I might be a typo said the Rabbit.
@@mezzeta haha. That's great
Three men walked into a bar. You'd have thought the second two would have ducked
@@fuddrucker74 It would be funnier if they waked into a blood-bank... "Type-O" ;-)
I remember my old dad, who was a true Irish man from Kerry, falling down the stairs with a whole crate of Guinness and never spilled a drop. He kept his mouth shut.
ñ
That’s a true Irishman right there, falling down with Guinness and not spilling a drop. 👍
AJ Smith the joke is he had drank it
At least I got one funny joke outta this clip.
Hahaha hahaha
In an Irish grade school little Patty was asked to use the word contagious in a sentence. Little Patty says: "While I was driving down the road with me Dah we came across a woman painting a fence. Me Dah turned to me and said 'its gonna take that cont-ages to paint that fence!' ".
Teacher " give me an example of fascinate."
I have a donkey jacket
I really think it's great.
It's got nine buttons
But I can only fascinate.
Lmfao.
Simon Powell o
Simon Powell g
Never heard of anybody called "Patty" in Ireland. Probably an americanism !!!!
I met my wife when she was a whiskey maker in Dublin. I love her still.
Ouch. Just ouch
We love 'er still too!
I bet that’s because she’s still giving you the good whiskey!
Mine was a real estate developer - I loved her lots.
@@moreygloss9248 mine was a racecar driver and she did give some good laps...
Paddy and Seamus were walking down a country lane when Paddy spots two sticks of dynamite on the floor, he picks them up and puts them in his pocket, and he says to Seamus " I'll hand these into the police".. Seamus says " But what if one goes off".. Paddy says " Then I'll tell them I only found ONE stick"
Best joke I've heard in some years, brought a tear to the eyes. Well done Sir!
My Irish Catholic father from Dublin was a teatotaler. It may sound like an oxymoron but he was one. I asked him before he died why he wouldn't drink despite the reputation of Irish Catholics being heavy drinkers. He and his brothers heard Matthew Talbot give his life testimony as an alcoholic in Dublin. Dad and his two brothers took a temperance pledges as young men and kept their promise not to touch alcohol until their dying days. Alcohol is the curse of the Irish. They can't hold their liquor. But then, who can?
Guy goes to confession. The priest says: "And what is your confession, my child?" The guy sputters out: "Father...uh. Father, I...I rode a girl from Cork.". The priest quips: "Well, my child, -'tis better than walking."
Paddy and Mike were walking down the road. Paddy asks “I haven’t seen Shawn lately, have you? Mike replies, “Shawn saw a sign that said ‘Drink Canada Dry’. So he went!”
So he went!”
@@richardcooke9364 i dont understand the joke, i think it is wet fish van
fargin" hilarious!
Brendan Behan actually said that.
Lmao rotf
An Irish man walked out of a bar, no seriously, it can happen
Yes it can ....they walk in an crawl out
Lmao
Was he still breathing? I thought maybe that was why he’d left. (wink, nudge)
I prefer the version “ An Irishman walked past a bar”.
Message from an Irishman ; Fuck off, you racist prick.
Paddy applies for a job in a warehouse and when he goes for the interview hes asked can you drive a forklift, paddy replies no i cant, hes then asked can you make Tea, paddy replies holy fuck how big are the tea bags.
😂
Fan writes to Bob Dylan to ask to meet him backstage after the concert.Gets a curt reply,saying'no you can't'.Unimpressed fan comments'and he can't even spell'.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Vincent's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Vincent's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Pat Ryan g
Pat Ryan ok, that was funny! Made my day! Thanks
should have been nothing much that fellers been talking to himself in the mirror
Ha Pat ! That one made my day! 😂😂
tis a funny joke, ive seen the comedian you took that from aswel, he is quiet funny.
Two Irishmen walking home from the pub on the railroad tracks. One says Paddy these are the longest stairs I've ever been on. Paddys says aye tis' that all right but it's these fookin' low handrails that's killing me.
James Hazen
Thats 👍
...The other says : worry not , I can hear the elevator is commin' .
fbouts@ruraltel.net
bwahahahaha thats gold!
Not what many would consider to be a "knee-slapper" simply because they just don't understand. Not their fault. But I understand. Your joke was very good, Mike, brought back some good memories of my Father, a Boston Police Officer and I had a good laugh too. And for that, I am grateful. Paul, Jamaica Plain.
😀😆😂🤣🤣🤣I love the Irish sense of humor..its freekin gold and will always keep you young forever..lol
Thank you for the laughs; in this time of trouble, they are sorely needed, and much appreciated.
These jokes are timeless and the stuff of life! Dave Allen was my favourite TV Irish joke teller back in the day poking harmless fun at every culture and creed. In the snowflake PC times we live in this would all be classified as 'racist' - sad old world.
Jerzy Gawor Dave Allen-love it😂😂
why is there always some fucking asshole that has to spew his bullshit political views in every goddamn comment section ?
Irish isn’t a race....
STONEFREE you’re right so shut the hell up.
@@robertcarey8237 -
Feel free to go fuck yourself, mate...
i being a half irishman, can laugh at myself half of the time, an i'm an ass the other half of the time, but mostly i'm nearly always half assed. God i love a good joke.
My father was a wit, and I'm a half-wit.
Two ducks are crossing a street in Dublin. One says to the other, “Quack quack!!” The other one says, “But I’m going as quack as I can!!”
duck dinner for 2.
Change Dublin to Belfast, they say it more like quack than the Dubs,,, better joke
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
There’s one less drunk at the funeral.
What is Irish foreplay?
"Brace yerself Bridget"!
Formaldehyde is almost pure alcohol....
Localcrew Man, Now that's fucking funny! You should be making the Video!😂😂😂
🤣
An Irish man takes his giraffe to the pub, as soon as they get there the giraffe needs a little nap and lies down. The bartender comes over and asks “ what’s that layin there”? The Irish man says “ that’s not a lion, it’s me giraffe!”
We Irish are considered the most liked/likeable people/nation on the Planet. Ireland is arguably the most beautiful geographical entity (country) on said Planet. - A Donegal Lad Abroad.
Agree 100%! My wife and I, neither of whom are a speck of Irish, went to Ireland for our 30th anniversary. By far the best trip abroad we've ever taken. Lovely people, breathtakingly beautiful, and, despite what we we told, great food! Looking forward to going back with friends soon.
I Take it you never been to Scotland Laddie. and grated you are a grand rce with a beautiful land but as a Jock i biastly say this ach aye Paddy.
@@leftchicago yeah that's a myth about Irish food being shite..its actually very good
@@celtbell Didn't have a bad meal the whole 10 days. Actually had some exceptional ones.
I can’t rebuke that statement/opinion as I’ve never been to Ireland (I consider it a cruel mistake that I wasn’t born there). But I feel it is my duty to emphatically insist the most beautiful geographical “entity” must be the Great Pacific Northwest in Washington state.
An Irishman falls down the steps... as he is tumbling he remembers the pint in his back pocket... upon landing he feels a wetness in his hind area... as he reaches back he says, "I hope that is blood I feel"...
I’ve a joke- that is obviously fiction but smacks with a grain of truth- told to me by my Irish father-in-law... an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman go into a local together (right off that’s how you know it’s fictitious) and each order a pint at the exact same time. The publican delivers the three malt beverages at the exact same time, setting them each in front of the three men. At the exact time they are set down, an insect flies into each drink. The Englishman turns his nose in the air and pushes the beer away, demanding of the Barman a new beer. The Scotsman picks the fly out, tosses it away, and drinks the beer anyway. The Irishman pinches the insect out and shouts at the bug, “Spit it out, that’s my beer!”
That's class...thank for that! 😂
True Irish joke...Get out of my Beer! And, you ain't keeping any of it, lol!
You messed the ending up because it's the Scotsman that's supposed to be mean not the Irish
Now, see the version I know, is the Irishman looks at the beer, Shrugs, and starts drinking anyway.
The Scotsman pulls the insect out by the wings, gets right in its face and starts swearing it it to spit it out. 🤣
@@lilthommodt me too - Scots are tight with money - English are stiff dullard's, and the Irish do things backwards, that's the way it's always been.... yes I'm a Brit and I have two of those identities. :D
In America you can always tell when you are in an Irish Pub, the stools all have safety belts on them.
Four and a half minutes of my life I won't get back.
A teacher tells her primary school class that they will be learning about Robin Hood today and asks if anyone knows anything about him. So Johnny puts his hand up saying.
"He was from Nottingham Miss".
"Very good" the teacher tells him "And anyone else"? she asks
Then Davey pipes up with.
"He used to rob from the rich and give to the poor Miss".
"That's right" she tells him "Anything else"?
So wee Seamus puts his hand up and says.
"Da girlfriend was called Trudie Glenn Miss".
"Er no Seamus, that was Maid Marian" she tells him "But where did you get Trudie Glenn from"? she asks
"From da song Miss dat goes Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudie Glenn"!
I searched net for Trudie Glenn & it directed to Facebook.😂
Hahahehe.........
The foreman on a building site asked the Irishman who was looking for a job "Do you know the difference between a girder & a joist?" "Sure I do" replied the Irishman " Goethe wrote Faust & Joyce wrote Ulysses!" (to be read with an Irish accent!)
"What's an Irishman's favorite drink?
His next one
that isn't Enough. pop the top of some bad american whiskey. ya ,frog eater.
A free one
2 Scotsmen, Welshmen, Irishmen and Englishmen were marooned on a desert Island after their ship went down. When the rescue party arrived 3 months later the Welshmen had started a barber shop duet singing with tea towels etc.. The Scotsmen had made their own Whiskey Still and were full drunk. the two Irish men were black n blue from fighting each other and the two Englishmen were still waiting to be introduced.
Mine is a bit risque. True story. My mother's father immigrated to America from Germany. My father's family was of english, irish, and scottish ancestry. One day, driving around and shopping, my wife was looking at a catalog called Cash's of Ireland. Knick-knacks, jewelry, assorted stuff that give tribute to Ireland. She is of purely german ancestry.
She said, "I wish I had some irish in me."
In my best irish accent, I replied, "Aye, lass, do you want some, then?"
She punched me in the arm and I knew my work was done.
Knock at the door one evening. The wife answers it. "Mrs. Murphy. Paddy fell into one of the vats down at the brewery...and he's drowned!" She says, "Oh, saints be. I'll be betting he suffered something terrible, eh? The gent says, " Well, no missus, I wouldn't exactly say he suffered. He got out twice to go to the bathroom."
Three gents dove in to save him, but he fought them off bravely.
Ya didnt tell it right when you do its way funny
That made me laugh out. Good joke.
Englishman, "why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?"
Irishman, "who told you that?"
"Why shouldn't we!"
@@profpat70 🤣🤣🤣🤣
🤣🤣🤣
Try using that sentiment in a courtroom setting....you may have great success; could it be?
@@candid1954 what do you mean by that ?
Two Irish men friends for years and one Pat lay dying so told his friend Mike to hand him down a dust covered bottle of whiskey. Mike when I'm dead and buried sprinkle this whiskey on me grave.Mike says would you mind if I run it through me kidneys first.
hehhhee thats soo mean though
An Irishman had an accident in a major city. He ran into the rear of the car in front of him. While he waited for the police, he decided to take a sip out of his flask. When the cops arrived they opened his car door and he fell right out onto the street.
One officer looked at him and said, “Why are you driving in this condition?”. He responded with, “Well, I was too drunk to walk”.
Freud said of the Irish 'This [The Irish] is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever. '
Mostly because we can see thru the bullshit.
Pfft you nicked that from the film with Matt Damon. The Departed. 😂. Sigmund Freud did say something like that. But cmon you nicked it from the film. No harm done🍀😊
Spanish Silver i didnt nick it from a film. Some of us dont rely on films for our education 😂
@@toomuch9762 You'd need a tv for that.
You're full of it, because Freud never said it. www.freud.org.uk/2019/04/30/10-quotes-wrongly-attributed-to-sigmund-freud/ I guess whoever you did nick it from, nicked it from the movie. Even more lame.
Two Irish Pilots Michael and Paddy ... they are flying this plane ... but now it is time to land Michael being the Captain, says Paddy we are getting close to the runway so lower the flaps, drop the landing gear and get ready for touchdown.
The plane's wheels hit the runway, Michael throws the flaps for reverse thrust and Paddy is stamping as hard as he can on the brakes ... they manage to stop the plane right on the edge of the runway.
Michael looks at Paddy and says ... Fuck me that is a fucking short runway then Paddy looks out the window and says to Michael .. it is fucking wide.
A Scotsman, Irishman and Englishman walk into a bar. An fly lands in the beer of the Englishman and he pushes the beer aside and orders another. Another fly lands in the Scotsman beer, he pulls the fly out and keeps drinking. Another fly lands in the Irishmans beer. The Irishman pulls the fly out, squeezes it and says, "spit it out you little bastard!
👍☑💯😂
Favorite one so far
LOL!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve seen game of thrones kid nice try
Chris Edward game of thrones joke
An English man walks into a bar in Dublin. He steps up to an old fella in the bar and says “which is the quickest way to Cork?”
The old fella says, “have you got a car or are you on foot?”
Englishman says, “I’ve got a car”.
They old Irishman says, “well that will be the quickest way”.
Brilliant 🤗😃🤗🤗🤗
Or the other very Irish reply 'How do I get to Cork? Well, ya know . I'd not start from here'.
@@51WCDodge 👏quality!
Haha :)
A person looking for directions asked a another person. How do you get to Galway from here. The other person replyed usually by Bus.
At a convent in Ireland, the old Mother Superior was dying. Every evening all the young nuns would gather round her bed as she drank a glass of milk. They were hoping she would gain enough strength to give them some final words of wisdom. One of the young nun's father was a great maker of Poitín (Irish moonshine). He always claimed that it had marvelous medicinal properties. She got her father to send her a wee jug of this elixer. That night the young nun poured some of the Poitín in the Mother Superior's evening glass of milk. Mother Superior takes a sip and a little color comes into her cheeks. Another sip and sparkle comes to her eyes. She finishes the glass and sits up in bed. The nuns say praise be, it's a miracle. We were afraid you'd leave us without your final words of wisdom. The Mother Superior says, "don't sell that bloody cow".
James Hazen LOVE IT!!!😂🤗😛
It took me a few seconds...
That’s one of the best I’ve ever heard....
My. Buddy Mr Coyle brought some
Poitin back to the States, good sipping. Took my voice away momentarily,smooth as silk, no burn like that rubbing alcohol they call Everclear. ( garbage)Best drink I Ever had🥂
Brilliant!
Expertly told. I could almost smell the cigar as you were telling it.
I was thinking the same!
Naff off! He was as funny as your balls being glued to the front wheel of a steam roller!
An old Irishman walks into a Irish pub in New York City and sits next to another old Irishman.
he says "Barkeep, a shot of Jamison's". Hearing this the other old man says "judging by your accent are you from Ireland?" "Yes I am" He says "Well so am I, may I join you in a drink", "sure" he says, "Barkeep 2 shots of Jamison's". They hold the glass in the air. "Here's to the Emerald isle". And they both shot the shots back'
" Where were you born in Ireland?" one says, "well I am from Dublin", "You are from Dublin?" other says, "I'm from Dublin, Barkeep 2 more shots". They hold there glass in the air "here's to Dublin". And they shot the shots back.
"Where did you go to school?" one says "Well I went to the fine St Mary's". "Your joking!" the other says "I went to St Mary's, this is unbelievable, Barkeep 2 more shots". They hold there glass in the air and they both shot the shots back. "May I be so bold as to ask when you were born? one says. "Well I was born on a spring day in April 1942. the other says. "Jesus, Joseph and Mary" the other shouts "I was born in April 1942! I cant believe my luck meeting you, Barkeep! 2 more shots and leave the bottle.
Meanwhile another man at the end of the bar has been listening to this and ask the bartender "what going on with those two?", the Bartender replies "Oh that just the O'Brian twins, there drunk again".
I love this joke. I tell it just a little different
@@joeyd4356 I usually act it out as I do a great drunk Irishman accent.
How do you confuse an Irishman?
Put three shovels against a wall and tell him to take his pick :)
IRISHMEN ARE NOT ALL IMBECILES.
@@augustinehourigan7453 yeah but most of them actually have a sense of humour.
Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner 🤣
@@augustinehourigan7453 I'm Scottish..in England, take every sarcastic comment thrown at me and give back as good as I get..it's the only thing left that they haven't taken from us and I won't let them..Scottish, English, Irish and Welsh..we've always taken the pish out of each other..when they take that away I'm moving to Australia 🤪
The joke is "How do you confuse a Kerry man?". Kerry being a county in Ireland.
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
10
One to hold the bulb and nine to drink till the room spins.
Yep. Fastest game in the World? Pass the parcel in a Irish pub.
stang man how many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? none, we don't mind drinking in the dark😁
Too true Jed. Thanks for knowing some actual history.
stang man love it! great one!
Actually our lightbulbs are bayonet fitting ... so screw that !! 😂😂😂
😎👍☘️🍺
How many Irish folk singers does it take to change a light bulb??? Only 2 I’d them! One to actually change the bulb and the other to write a song about just how good the old one was :-)
Oldest Joke on the planet: describe an Irish 7-course meal? A baked potato and a six-pack
On the Res it's a puppy and a six pack.
Well it might be an old joke now but once upon a time the original joke involved only a six course meal.
It's a boiled potato, not baked.
@ - on the other hand, an Irishman once told me that the 7th course it isn't a potato at all, it's a shot of Powers.
An Irish girl says to her mother. "Mam I'm pregnant". And her mam says"are ya sure it's yours"? 🤣
@Andrew H dude...?
@Andrew H Oh my God Andrew. ( Puts palm on face ).
@Andrew H Ok.That joke makes no sense, thats the funny part.
@Andrew H Ok. Will definitely follow your advice now.
A couple years ago I saw my cousin for the first time in several years. Unfortunately we were at the hospital due to her father’s health. Anyway she was sitting there with a blanket and she smiled really big and pulled the folded blanket back to show me her her 8 and a half month pregnant tummy. I immediately asked if it was hers and she laughed so much her hubby thought she might just go into labor and have the baby right then and there!
On a Bus touring Ireland. The Tour Guide picks up the microphone and says WE ARE NOW PASSING THE OLDEST PUB IN IRELAND, and Paddy let’s a shout from the back of the Bus . WHY.
No good joke ever started with... "Two guys are at a salad bar"..
Two guys are at a salad bar, the first man turns to the second and says " Not a hope in hell will you get drunk here. My glass has a leak in it"
Haha dudes! 🤣😂
@@johnbroadley2064 Don't quit your day job.
...eating sushi
What do you call two lesbians hiding in Salad bar storage cabinet?...
... a Liquor (licker) Cabinet
Whenever an Irishman is in a pub and he falls on the floor, sure it's a blessing, he finally knows where he is going!
Many thanks for your story. I laughed for twenty minutes on that one, " God bless your elbow and your sock."
I,ll never forget this old irish bloke i knew who once said that he went to a disco one evening and said to the bloke on the door if you let me in free i,ll get u a pint so the doorman said ok go for it he said the pint was £4.50 but it was only £2 to charity to get into the disco....and thats a true story.
A group of Irish were holidaying in NZ, whilst driving through the countryside they noticed three Maori guys digging a hole on the side of the road. Laying next to the hole was a pole and a ladder.
Being visitors they stopped and decided to chat with these Maori guys, but just then two of the Maori guys put the pole on their shoulders and the other guy grabbed the ladder. and they started walking to a shed next to the road. Then they lent the pole against the shed and the other guy put the ladder next to the pole.
One of the Maori guys then took a measuring tape out of his pocket and was about to climb the ladder..........By this time the Irish visitors were totally confused.......they dug the hole over there, but they've lent the pole against this shed over here.
One of the Irish visitors couldn't take it anymore walked over to the Maori with the measuring tape and asked him " Exscuse what are you doing ?" The Maori guy replied "Im gonna measure this pole " This really peaked the Irishmans curiousity..
"Measure the pole ....why didnt you just measure it while it was laying on the ground ?'
The Maori guy Looked at the Irishman dumbfounded and said,
Ï thought you Irish were clever people can't you see its the height of the pole we want to know not the Length!!!"
Told by a Irish/Maori Kia ora all
You meant piqued, not peaked. Please learn to spell.
Hey bro Im a maori spelling three words correctly for me is a mirakul
@@poutokaipara1 if that last comment wasn't staged then it's genius in its humility and wit!
@@hooleyqueen And lying not laying. To lay is a transitive verb.
This is a true story. I used to work in Colombia (South America) with some Irish guys and they were both fun and dangerous to party with. Loved U2. There was one older one (we called him "Irish Mike" - for all I know that was his real name). He could not say a sentence without saying fuggin 20 times before it ended. The younger Conner and Cathel were characters too. They had a small flat together and one of their roomates fell down and hurt his leg. They called an ambulance and they went in and while they were attending to that Chathel took the ambulance for a joy ride siren blasting. We went to a strip club together and Conner and Cathel were up there undressing with the strippers. An American friend of theirs (and mine) lived with them and had a birthday. They got him drunk. He passed out and they hired a couple of gay prostitutes to come and strip next to him and took pictures. I would have killed them but they were a hoot. Love them.
LOL,so embarrassing.Both fun & dangerous,etc,loving them..You sound like my first love describing me.☘️😱
Paddy havin d craic😂😂
Guinness had a meeting of its labor union members to consider
topics for a New Contract. One of the suggestions from the Safety
Committee was that management should put up a net around the
top of the vats, to prevent any of the men from falling in. The other
members chased him from the room, as they considered it not a
hazard but a Fringe Benefit.
I am an Irish man 37 and he is right we do love to laugh at ourselves, funny joke, I thought the punchline was going to be "I'm the designated driver" but designated drivers in Éire are taxi drivers
The other punchline I've heard is "Oh, I gave up drinking for Lent."
All of them sound funny
Irish??
Paddy and Mike were walking down the road. Paddy falls down a hole and he shouts to Mike "Call me an ambulance! ". Mike starts shouting "Paddy's an ambulance!"
I needed a good laugh!...That was it.. Having been raised by an Irish American 'Mom' and a 'German American' Da.. I can tell you, I was 'proof' that if the Germans made it, the Irish would drink it!... It's now almost 20 years since I've had a 'drink'..
I've heard this joke before, but never delivered like this. You made me laugh a good hardy almost spill my coffee laugh.
Was it Irish Coffee? ;)
They called my grandfather "Big Bull", they call my father "Little Bull" and they call me "Bullsh*t! 😆
Every time I hear this joke, it’s still makes me laugh 😂
My boss asked me if I have a drinking problem. I looked right at him and and said 'No sir!! I drink, its no problem'.
Ya know what Irish Amnesia is? You forget everything but a grudge.
I hold fucking grudges like no tomorrow. Wish I could help it lol
I knew my Irish was showing. Grudges!
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar...
Hey it COULD happen....
🏠
jeffl714 iiii
there is only one reason an irishman will walk out of a bar and that is to go to the next bar
Hiiiii...Oooooo
rampage the sneaky lil bitch No, you mad fool!... Only because IT'S ON FIRE!!!!🤗😛😌🙃😉
I've heard that joke before. It was told differently. Much shorter. And the two brothers were in the service still, he got out and promised his war buddies he would have two drinks for them till they got home.
You know the rest! 😁👍
Love it - my mother is Irish and my father is Welsh my barman calls me the drunken sheep shagger! God Bless! UK
- I decided to cut down on my drinking.
- Oh. How's it going?
- Good. Now I only drink when I'm hungover.
Still Think You're Having A Bad Day?
Article from the Miami Herald, June 1998
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio while his wife worked in the kitchen. He was gunning the engine when the bike somehow lurched forward with the man still holding on. The bike crashed through the glass patio doors and ran into a wall, leaving the man cut and bruised on the living room floor. The man's wife called for an ambulance and then, since they lived on a fairly steep hill, went down several flights of stairs to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported her husband to the hospital, the woman up-righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.
Seeing that gasoline had spilled on the floor, the wife cleaned it up with paper towels, which she then threw in the toilet.
The man was treated and released from the hospital. When he arrived home and saw the broken patio doors and damaged motorcycle, he became despondent and went into the bathroom and sat on the john to think for a while. He then lit a cigarette and tossed the match down between his legs into the toilet bowl.
Yep, you guessed it.
The wife heard the explosion and her husband screaming and ran in to find him lying face down with burns on his buttocks, the backs of his legs, and his groin. The paramedics loaded the man and started back down the stairs while the wife tried to explain what had happened. The paramedics got to laughing so hard that the one walking backwards lost his footing.
The gurney tilted and the patient slid off and rolled the rest of the way down the stairs breaking his arm!
Now, has your day really been all that bad?
Space Cadet
I am forced, by my own curiosity, to ask you one burning question:
Just how long did it take you to type all that out??!!
@@sherimcdaniel3491 Don't know. I had copied it years and years ago.
Space Cadet
Oh well. I was marveling at your effort! Take care.
An Irishmen, a rabbi and a horse walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says "Hey, is this a joke?"
Neigh chance.
Giraffe walks into a bar and says" High balls are on me!!"
Excellent one. Thanks from Dublin.!
Possibly the best spent 4 minutes ever on TH-cam, that punchline, eventho I preempted it by 2 seconds, was SOO worth it lol