Thank you so much. A few weeks ago I've commented here and shared about my fluctuating gender dysphoria in the past 6 years. Seeing a video now makes me so happy! You explain things very well and coherently. I've always been documenting and reflecting on my thoughts and patterns and this was extremely confusing for me; now I think I might be experiencing moderate dysphoria. Thank you for sharing this, I'm not sure what happened, but something shifted inside of me when you explained this. This might just give me the push to talk to a therapist. I was afraid to be dismissed for not having severe symptoms, but perhaps there is something worth looking for. Thank you!
I would say my dysphoria is in the moderate range, and that’s probably why it took me almost my entire life until early this year to realize I was trans. I was so oblivious; I showed all of the signs, but I didn’t understand what they really meant for so long, even though I knew trans people existed. I just thought me, personally, never could be but it’s fine for others. Days that the dysphoria wasn’t there much and I’d think “eh, I could live as a woman”, I realized, were actually just me being complacent, not me being fully satisfied with myself.
I was like this but it was a lot more severe than I thought because I wouldn’t process it emotionally but it would come out physically such as me going mute, I logically knew I would go mute cuz I didn’t like how masculine my voice was but for some reason since I didn’t feel terrible inside I thought that I didn’t have it severe enough to be trans Edit: I dissociated and thought since I could live with being male sometimes I couldn’t be a woman although I’ve never felt like a man to be fair I just didn’t realize I myself could be trans even though I had some exposure But I think I would be classified as moderate or mild
i spent 5 decades living as a man not realizing that it wasn’t normal to avoid looking at my junk, looking in mirrors, being photographed or caught on video; to hate my body hair, my male hairline; to pee sitting down unless it was unavoidable. when i was 16 my mother got me a nose hair trimmer for a Christmas present and i broke down and cried in front of everyone. early adult coping was alcohol and hallucinogenics, and clubbing/raving. oh and i attempted marine corps boot camp after high school. 😂 after a number of life-ending attempts in my 20s from self-hatred, i developed repression techniques centered around healthy eating and marathon running. almost literally running away from my dysphoria. i just didn’t recognize all this as dysphoria until youtube came along and i could see what being trans was beyond the media stereotypes. without visibility we lack the words to name ourselves. ❤
Yea I had the same, travelling especially became my way of escaping, that perhaps once I get somewhere else it is going to be different, once I arrived, nothing changed, and always without exception I did not stay there for too long, I wanted to go back and hide, which I did. I couldnt hold a job for too long either, because I did not want to be seen, I did not have a job that lasted longer than 12 months for 25 years, until I transitioned.
I think I'm in moderate range. Thanks for enlightening this endless circle of «shit, that's it» and «nah, I'm fine». That gives me a lot of confusion before As always thank you for your video С любовью из Санкт-Петербурга ❤
i feel like most of my life i had a mild-moderate feeling of dysphoria but had no idea what dysphoria was and it led to a general hate of my body. as ive grown up and understood my identity more i feel i have moderate dysphoria but it can be quite severe sometimes too. but its easier to deal with because now i know i dont just hate my whole body i know that certain parts of me need to change and one day ill get there. Overall, now in my life i like myself and my body more because i understand my feelings around my physical appearance more, even though my dysphoria has definitely gotten worse over the years. its weird to have developed this version of self love where i have so much dysphoria everyday but i dont hate myself.
It was moderate dysphoria that slowly built until I was at a breaking point and couldn't take it anymore. I would try to put on dresses and skirts that I used to wear all the time and then have panic attacks and have to get out of them immediately.
I’ve always had really severe dysphoria, and I did know with certainty that it was about dysphoria. But it was most obvious as Social Dysphoria: I didn’t understand why I was supposed to dress male, and like male activities, or why it was so hard to join girl cliques. It was so obvious about gender, and sometimes I would get jealous of girls and would feel left out. I first described GD as an allergy to gender and that when things were gendered I would just have a reaction and feel sick. I must have had some physical dysphoria because around when I was 12 I shaved off all my body hair and then ai went on a camping trip with boys, and they sawe in the shower without pubic hair and made fun of me. But it wasn’t until I took estradiol in my 40’s that I discovered how severe my body dysphoria was. I feel so much joy at the changes to my body and I keep wanting to show anyone cwho will let me. I don’t understand why I never figured this out, except I grew up with my mom always calling trans people wierd and freaks I’ve always struggled with feeling like I’m not llowed to call myself female unless I change my body enough. So,, I really want vaginoplasty. But Ixalso really like vaginas and think I will enjoy my body more with a vagina.
My dysphoria was more in the moderate range, but mostly social, similar to what you describe. I just wanted to be one of the girls, and didn't feel I should need to change my body for the purpose, because it's more about personality I knew pretty much my whole life, certainly from puberty. In my early 20s, I asked a psychologist about it the first time. They only tested me for genital dysphoria, and because I don't really have that, no treatment was offered to me. I was just never sure that the downsides of transition were worth it. In the end I came out at 50, because I felt society was finally handling it better. Living in a tolerant place helped too
Oh Dr. Z. Just watching your videos give me such peace of mind. Especially when it’s so hard to express my struggles but you just know so damn well on how to explain my pain lol I will forever continue telling you, you are a gem to our community 🎉
I definitely feel like I'm in the moderate to mild camp, sometimes my days are ok but sometimes I get very bad dysphphoria that manifests like a heaviness on my chest that slows down my breathing and brings down my mood and energy And speaking of the toothache analogy I actually have a toothache that comes and goes which is a bit funny in this case lol
People say toothaches never go away on their own, but it's not true. In my case, I'm pretty sure it's because of teeth grinding - when I grind less, the ache may stop. And of course the grinding is often a sign of stress, like for example when gender dysphoria gets worse
feels like an ill fitting shoe, like a discomfort in the whole body, like a constant pain of having to be what they want be to behave like because of my preceved looks......
We all have a different narrative and interpretation of where this neutrality in gender expression falls. Given that most of us have experienced denial and repression without much awareness of its existence, expressing to what degree one may be experiencing gender dysphoria is incredibly difficult. For example, in my case, I feel I've always known who I am, but didn't have the language or meaning to express that. I think somewhere along the line, I began to understand that my way of expression was wrong and I needed to adapt and fit into the expected gender role. I was afraid of a lot of things as a child, including being myself, but generally accepted I had to play a role. That is the definition of repression and it lasted until the fictional version of myself began to make me physically ill. My denial, at its highest lead me to firmly believe I was normal and masculine, except for this odd kink and feelings I worked very hard at keeping in the dark. Eventually, and to my sheer panic, my life began to crumble. I could no longer manage the gendered expectations, no matter what new ideas came forth to reinforce that identity, until it exploded. Where I thought that maybe my dysphoria was "neutral", that was just me, lying to myself to hide the fear of "what if" -what if I had to accept my true self. Things were pretty bad, looking back. If this resonates with you, maybe you just need to forget about whatever anyone has ever told you and listen to that voice inside that is screaming at you to listen. I wish I did that years ago.
I've been on HRT for 19 months and I'm not sure i remember what my worst symptoms felt like or just the way I described them. And considering it took me until 34 to realize i had severe gender dysphoria, I think got simply see patients after they've already figured it out for then themselves. I actually thought it was normal and didn't believe i could ever feel better. I was also afraid of asking for help.
I also thought feeling bad about my body was normal also. Never knew anything about gender identity or options. Don't ask for help, that's weakness, etc. Feel terrible, pretend you're normal, muddle through life, and repeat. All the repression, pain, denial, depression just compounds over the years to an exploding point where life just becomes unbearable. That's my experience. HRT saved me. Glad you figured it out also!! 😁 🏳⚧
@@time4clocks ...muddle through life, and repeat. Those times were the worst, weren't they? In my sheer denial and stupidity I was horribly oblivious to how miserable I was. Thank heavens we are now here. - Thanks for sharing!
@@vanessaleblanc2583 So happy you are on a better path now also, Vanessa! I try to be thankful even though I'm a late bloomer. What if I never bloomed at all. 🙀Hope everything goes well for you in life!! 🥰🏳⚧
Wow you just described me to a T with moderate gender dysphoria, it makes me pretty emotional honestly. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience here for free, I'm very thankful 🙏
I didn't know anything about trans folks until earlier this year, but looking back it was always so obvious: depression, boozein', totally apathetic to assigned gender, irritation with expectations of me, rebelling against social norms like "I'm gonna buy the PINK one just to piss people off", right on down to things I'd say like "just think of me as one of the girls" wayyyy before I remotely considered that I could be trans at 38. Even now, I still have moments where I consider whether I actually am. I still have a hard time cognitively relating it all to being transgender because I am so literally disconnected from my body, I just feel like I'm operating a meat machine, and sometimes it feels so foreign to me that I straight up just have a panic attack about feeling trapped in it, notably when I've tried smoking pot. I found so much joy in dropping some of the expectations to present masculine that it made things better that I didn't even expect: being alone now is like no big deal, whereas prior I just got so lonely.
Thank you. This is very good content on the subject. I have had fairly severe dysphoria all my life. I'm retired from my day job now, about 2 years after coming out. My most obvious, to me, symptom was summed up in the word "hair." As I told my therapist, "hair, hair, too much or not enough and always in the wrong places." My coping mechanism were being an amateur, eccentric artist, allowing for strange clothing choices, and cannabis abuse. Now my clothing choices are better (I've even been complemented by strangers a couple times, which is really exhilarating, let me tell you) and my cannabis use, though not stopped, is greatly reduced. I'm getting a little better every day. I can feel it.
Since I've never seen your channel before I'm not sure why exactly YT decided to send me here, but... Growing up I didn't 'get' that there was a difference between 'girls' and 'boys'. I only started to 'get it' during puberty and I always felt out of place. I had a lot of issues with Depression and tried all sorts of methods to cope. I also studied Psychology in college (it was my minor) which is an all to common coping method in itself. However, gender dysmorphia and being 'trans' weren't even things I encountered at that point. Those things wouldn't even come up until later in my late 30's. I've 'made due' my entire life and now I'm middle aged, but I've had hundreds of moments where I have had intense feelings that I shouldn't have been born as the gender I am. Now I wish I'd talked to someone ages ago and I wonder exactly where along the curve I probably do fit. xD
This definitely resonates with me.. I also feel I should have done something about it looooong ago, but now I'm here, thinking that the more someone realizes their truth, the less one cares about what others think.
I am moderate, but there's no question I have gender dysphoria. My problem is that just because I know I am not male doesn't mean I am female. I don't feel like I'd fit in any better. I wish my body were different, but I can't make that my fore. I would push a button if I could, but I could never transition. I wish I could socialize with women more completely, but there are ways I don't fit. My best friends are women. I think I am agender.
Realizing I'm agender (and more generally, that non-binary identities are a thing) triggered my eventual, belated coming out. I then started hanging out with women more, and I learned over time that I'm just much more comfortable if I'm seen as a woman rather than a man - and being seen neutral doesn't happen often enough and can be very isolating. So after 6 years of experimenting with various presentations, I decided to lean into being fem and even taking hormones. I don't think there's any way to find out what really suits you except trying it out
I'm somewhere between moderate to minimal yet feeling weird not able till I seen this to describe feeling other than depression and a little denial. I've been sober and no drugs for 6 months and that along with some social interactions lately with people being mean to me Misgendering me etc. I think have put me in a slump. Also starting to have intimacy with a couple people has made me on eld. So what you said hit home and I feel a bit better knowing it's another form of my gender dysphoria transitioning with me as I progress etc. Thanx so much 💜 I shared on FB to let others know too that I need time space and therapeutic means to evolve through this ...
I think I have moderate and I find it hits me when I'm alone with my thoughts for a while. So it will come when I get sick for a few days and I'm off work I start thinking about my body more and then it is more like a toothache. When busy I can basically live ok with my coping strategies. The fluctuations make me think my gender is fluid/non binary and for now that's how I live. Then there's the things that seem to trigger it which are like seeing non-binary people who seem really comfy in their gender and also who are thinner than me. I'm afab and really dysphoric about my curves so I always want to lose weight for that reason. Other triggers is like seeing muscly guys - somehow that can make me feel weird about my body
This is great Dr Z. I am moderate with periods of intense GD. When I was growing up stories of trans folk would be in the severe (born in the wrong body) category and because I didn’t feel like that I discounted it. About 16 years ago I went to a therapist because I had a looong period of anxiety that was getting worse and I also had some panic attacks (I had a panic attack because the IT guy at work set my emoji as a man with a beard 🤯). My therapist referred me to a gender therapist who pretty quickly explained what a trans experience was.
I've heard it compared to ill-fitting clothes, but I've compared it to the Berserker Armor worn by Guts. On the outside, you have immense power and can seemingly overcome anything. It's what everyone expects of you. It protects and conceals you from the outside world. But on the inside, you're cut up and broken, and nobody can see how much you're hurting. You don't even realize it until you start to slowly peel away the armor and lay eyes upon yourself for the first time.
I knew something was wrong. But I didn’t realize it was physical dysphoria until now. I knew it was there socially. I didn’t realize it was physical with me too. Things make a lot more sense now
Honestly my dysphoria is pretty moderate when I am in private or even lower when I’m around supportive people but when I’m around my very transphobic family my dysphoria and depression goes up to severe. I am currently unable to leave at this current moment and I need coping mechanisms to help me get by until I can get into my own safe home and am not being effected by toxic family
I was in the mild group last year and settled in the moderate group for awhile. Identified as gender non conforming for about a year but realized it wasn’t enough. Finally at pride this year dressed more queer and that ignited me further, identified as genderqueer and started cross dressing/presenting more androgynous. But I realized that was not enough and fully transitioned immediately because if I didn’t it would have escalated to severe.
I've never been professionally diagnosed by type of severity. But I can feel and therefore know that it's severe. With you explaining I'm still quite shocked that my dysphoria is severe. I honestly don't know how I dealt with it before transitioning and starting hormones. It's still pretty severe, but social transition and affirmation combined with the effects of HRT helped me survive and thrive. Life's still rough, but better and more manageable than before! 😊
Moderate with a heavy dose of religious and cultural repression. For a long time I felt insufficient in my gender... That I wasn't "man enough." Glad to be breaking free and embracing femininity but life is still a struggle in other ways.
As always, your work is beautiful. Sorry for my bad English. Somewhere from the age of 12-13, I continue to guess. More precisely, the feeling of dysphoria was more clear, but easier in youth. Now it is more confusing, but harder. I do not like my biological sex, but I have no complete confidence about the opposite. Sometimes I feel strong discomfort, sometimes I feel neutral detachment from my body, sometimes my body is pretty to me, but as if I look at another person, I suppose. Communication with people can affect the intensity of dysphoria, how people read me, how they communicate with me. The fact that I allow myself to express myself through a hairstyle or some aspects of behavior may help partially reduce the dysphoria. Avoiding people helps too. The fact that I have quite progressive views and oppose gender stereotypes helps me, but brings me more confusion at the same time. It seems that it is easier to decide on your gender identity if you think that men and women are from two different planets. Then it is more painful to accept yourself at the same time. But if we assume that men and women are from one single planet, or that each person has their own unique planet, everything becomes more confusing.
I thought I only suffered from social dysphoria, but when I started to think through how I've lived and how I felt the whole time like I was not fitting, I was feeling "off" and miserable the harder I tried to present as a woman. I had a dress-period and that was horribly stressful. If I had known back then that I was nonbinary, things would maybe not have been easier but I would have been able to mitigate things atleast.
I have depression an asthma I wasn't that aware of til recently, ud of had it decades😮dad was a bit narcy, put me down a lot, I was pretty dum back then, not now
I definitely fall within moderate. I've been questioning for over 10 years now. I still remember searching "Can boys turn into girls" the very first time and Jazz Jennings coming up in the search results when I was 13. I've been wondering and thinking about it for so long now it's honestly torture at this point. I'm beginning to feel as if I should just transition and deal with the consequences if there is a negative outcome at this point. I just have to know if I'm trans and the only way I can see my self finding out is transitioning. Every time I have a dream where I've transitioned and everything is successful and had the surgeries and they all turned out amazing. My family still loves me for who I am. I've always wanted to live in those dreams, but they are just dreams, and I know they are dreams because they are the perfect outcome. Good news is my friends have been using my chosen name for the past 3 years already and don't really care if I transition or not, but they I use to make very trans jokes and they would just yell "JUST TRANSITION ALREADY!!!" I love those guys. Wish my parents were the same. These videos are very helpful even if I don't really have a clue if I'm trans or not.
I had severe dysphoria and was delayed for many years because of a high control religious context. It sucked but I have never doubted my gender identity just what was I allowed to do about it
My diaspora started off mild when I was 5 years old. Then it when to mild to moderate when I turned 6 years old. During that time it mainly concept of me not liking being perceived as a boy from a social standpoint. When I was 12 it cranked up a bit when I started having dreams that I was a girl. At the time it really freaked me out because all I wanted to be was a normal boy and fit in. Fast forward to when I was nearly 17 and starting to go through puberty it turned into server diaspora. I could not stand the changes going on. I remember being 17 and my mom asking me to make sure I was regularly checking my testicle since a family's friends teen son just got diagnosed with cancer. I was horrified that I would have to look down there and have to touch my testicle. Other than going to the bathroom, I avoid touching down there and avoid looking down there at all cost. During my late teens, I started turning to drugs and alcohol. I was still able to graduate from college with two degrees, but after a year of working on my masters, my drug addiction was so bad I had to leave and finally got sober at the age of 25 after being arrested twice and having a 100 dollar to 200 dollar a day heroin and cocaine habit. I do remember that my drug habit did help my gender diaspora alot but at about 2 weeks clean while in rehab, it came back with a vengeance. I still didn't want to talk about it, so I left that out when talking to my consular. After getting clean and sober, I threw myself into my job and was very successful. I also finished my masters degree. I even started working out. I was in great shape but I remember looking in the mirror with my shirt off and thinking anyone would kill for this body but being disappointed in myself because I hated it. I think the only reason I lasted that long was because I naturally have a feminine body with a hip to waist ratio that is closer to that of a female than a male, small hands, and feminine facial features. I was still having dreams that I was a woman that has not stopped since I was 12. I also was always hyper aware of feminine and masculine mannerisms and would always do my best not to act feminine, but anytime I would try to act more masculine it was like nails on a chalkboard to me. It was causing mental pain to try and be more masculine. I remember during this time, I would also lay in bed at night and I would be crying and begging God to either make the diaspora go away or let me wake up the next morning in a female body. But then my dreams of starting my PhD came true. I moved across the country and thought this would finally make me happy. It didn't take long after moving to fall into a deep depression. Despite all I done, I could not run away from myself. My depression was so bad that when visiting family this past winter break, they could all tell I was depressed. I knew myself enough so by the begin of this year, I could tell I was on the verge of a total mental break down if I did not get help. I started seeing a therapist and talking about this to someone for the first time in my life. It did not take long for her to diagnose me. I even had her supervisor diagnose me too. I like what you said about server diaspora. I remember earlier this year while in tears telling my therapist who would want this, this isn't fun. I just want this to stop. I remember also asking her, who in the hell is happy to find out they're trans. That being said, I am in a much better head space today and will be celebrating 6 years clean and sober tomorrow. I even started taking concrete steps in my transition, I had a consultation appointment last week to start laser hair removal, I have my first vocal lesson this week with Seattle Voice Lab, and I'm scheduling an appointment with a General Physician that specializes in gender care to hopefully start HRT around the beginning of next year. Even through I'm doing all this, I would prefer if I just didn't have gender diaspora. I'm mainly doing this just to make the extremely uncomfortable feeling I have with my body and how I'm proceeded go away. My therapist told me this past week that transitioning by itself is neutral. It can be either negative or positive based off of why you are transitioning. (I typed this on by phone so there is probably grammar errors.)
I consider myself formerly in the neutral category. I couldn't ever look in a mirror that I'd pass by. All my video game characters were female. I was always drawn to female care items. I purchased hair coloring that I liked but sit it on the shelf. I was constantly looking at female care (e.g. facial creams)"wistfully", I felt like I should be able to wear certain female clothes (not really underwear fwiw). I'm not particularly interested in crossdressing because I'm still a male. I watched and enjoyed a TH-cam nail channel (nailogical) often. I bought specifically feminine facial care items (not really makeup). I'd buy pastel colored satin robes. I looked at what other women were wearing and be "wistful" about their experience. I'd buy rose scented candles. What's a laugh is there was a TH-cam channel where they came out as transgender and I was critiquing them saying they should do this but not that. I ran across a female name I really like and said to myself "If I was transgender that's exactly the name I'd have!'. I'd be telling myself continually that my thoughts process was like a woman's. Anyway looking back I have a list stretching back in time. There was some coincidence online where somebody heavily suggested I was trans and then that was my "egg cracking." I can best describe what I went through as being in or having this "shadow" or maybe a "haunting." The problem I have and still in denial perhaps as you say "unravelling" I am now craving to transition but it goes back to the "heart and mind" issue from your last video that I can't reconcile and need help with!
Dr Z, I'm continually impressed by your compassion and expertise. I transitioned 25 years ago and I encountered only hostility from doctors (and I live in NYC!). The Harry Benjamin gatekeepers kept you in therapy forever and refused to issue a doctors' note for HRT. It was a nightmare After three years of suffering severe dysphoria, I found the Callen Lorde Clinic which finally enabled me to transition. My wife divorced me but we still see each other a lot. I just purchased a breast binder because I'd like to pass as a man again when i go out with my ex wife. My doctor doubts that I can do this. Nothing is easy of course, but what you describe as severe dysphoria is so accurate and I've never heard it defined so well. Thank you again!
I find i don't feel like I fit in , most times I don't feel right. Something is always off. I feel I study others so I can act more like others and try not to stand out too much but when I fit in too much it creates pain in my mind because it's not right.
I feel like I am losing the distinction between body and psycho-social aspects of gender while listening to this. I have both, I think, but the body dysphoria is rather less than the other aspects. On the other hand I tend to dissociate from my body for much of my life, so I guess that says a lot, too...
For me, severe dysphoria feels like first-second degree burns almost all over my body and they never go away, and they hurt me. E.g. when the clothes hugs my chest and I can feel that the shape of my chest is wrong, my genitals are wrong, my thighs are also wrong. It gets so bad sometimes I want to scream and shake and punch the walls and everything around me in a hopeless attempt to escape this burning skin I'm wearing. But I can't do that in public so I repress it as much as I can, get angry and furious and aggressive and want to cry. When I was a teen and didn't know that I was transgender I thought my only way out was to die. 😢
if I do have gender dysphoria, it would be in the mild range, but I can't tell if what I've experienced has tied to my gender or not. I suspect that I'm genderfluid, demifluid, or a gender identity that is fluid and/or flucuates. in parts of my life, I remember disliking and feeling disconnected from my name (I would zone out when somebody called my name and I'd think, "that's not me"). I would also sometimes zone out when I become aware of my body. I never thought it was tied to gender, I just thought I disliked my name and that it's normal to zone out and feel disconnected whenever awareness of your body arises. and I also felt/feel neutral about my gender. it was until I wanted to use a male name and a male/androgynous avatar and profile picture for fun, but whenever somebody referred to me with he/him pronouns and used that name, I felt euphoric. it felt right in that moment. but of course this flucuates too, so now I'm neutral about everything, or maybe i'd rather someone use she/her or they/them to refer to me. but now that I'm questioning that I could be genderqueer, I'm more aware of my gender. I'm more aware that there is usually something off, and sometimes I can tell if it's directly tied to gender, but most of the time, I don't know. I don't know if anything i've experienced has been gender dysphoria of if it's just me being weird.
I'm definitely in the mild or neutral camp. Until watching this video, I would have said I had absolutely no gender dysphoria, that I'm perfectly comfortable as a cis male, AMAB and 78 years old living as a man. But in that case, why do I suddenly find myself with two dresses, three bras & panties, and a substantial makeup collection? Oh, and a breast pump. Surely I wouldn't be spending so much time and money if I were merely exploring the feminine side of my character. So I have to admit I am experiencing very mild gender dysphoria. I can pinpoint what set me off: I have had hypogonadism for twenty years or more, mostly untreated, and in the past couple of years my testosterone has been zero, below the measurable limit. I had a few months of testosterone replacement therapy, which was very beneficial, but I developed breast cancer last year. The mastectomy was successful, but male breast cancer has a higher risk of recurring on the other side, and the oncologist forbids the TRT. Meanwhile, I'm reacting like a teenager denied a request. If I can't have the TRT and be functionally male, well, dammit, I'll transition, and be female, at least as far as I can go without estrogen therapy, which would be an even worse risk factor. So TBH, I guess I do have some dysphoria!
My dysphoria was moderate but I think it’s because I’m alexathymic and am not integrated with myself despite my emotional intelligence and awareness due to trauma I’ve become this way. I knew why I would feel gender dysphoria but I didn’t trust my emotions nor process em well it was me being slightly in denial but mostly pushing it away and me not thinking I could do it and it work out. I employ a lot of cognitive empathy and sympathy and gain insight easily so I’m surprised I find it difficult to be in touch with myself when I easily understand people. My environment was also very bad financially and with the transphobia around me stuff that wasn’t in my control and still isn’t at 19 because I feel I keep getting unlucky, I hate blaming my environment and tend to internalize blame but there are seriously things that have happened that I can not logic anyway I could have prevented it what I can do is try and move forward. I also am research prone, and would always fall into the rabbit hole of research, and it actually wasn’t helpful because I would often see those with severe dysphoria and would be like I can’t be actually trans because I’m not them I’m not perfect and I don’t deserve to live as me. Be try masochistic and that’s how I have had to grow up.
i had severe dysphoria for sure, but i couldn't put a name to it because my mother kind of traumatized me. so, instead, i just assumed i was uniquely broken. after i learned what trans people are, it took all of five months to come out to the first person. the egg cracking narrative of "wanting to be a woman" wasn't helpful to me. there are parts that we can point out that i want, and there are parts that i can say i don't care for. but wanting to be a woman, what does that mean? but i found my own answer very quickly. i didn't want to be a woman. i _was_ a woman. what i wanted was to feel peace with my own body. to not hate it. and to be able to present in a way that i didn't feel like i was wearing a mask, or like i was tricking people by pretending to be something i wasn't.
Ryuuky: She/Her ( Sounds it makes me happy ); Girl ( Feels more feminine ); Demi ( Feels best to identify a less feminine feeling ) XtF ( X feels better than the M word ) I'm a Transgender Demigirl, and a Pansexual. So, be you and make someone else happy. Yeah, I can say MtF or Male to Fe Male or Wo Man or Man, but in reference to me it's awful. I hate Dead Naming someone or myself. Yeah, I'm Punk, Emo, Scene Kid, and Gothic; it does matter how I put it in order, there all my favorite. ⚧♀♂🏳🌈🏳⚧ Happy Halloween😈👻🤡💀☠😸🙇♀🏄♀🚣♀🏊♀🏋♀🚴♀🤾♀🚵♀🤸♀🤼♀🤽♀🤾♀🤹♀🧘♀🦊🦄🐕🐯🦍🐒🐸🐍🐉🦕🕷 Gender Dysphoria for me it is Severe for me. I've gone to so many problems growing up all the time because I had a hard time explaining. I'd attempt for dresses, earrings, shoes, enjoying pain, drinking, overdose, make up, ER, Schizo Affective, Major Depression, no mental medication not working, bipolar, anxiety, paranoia, gain tons of weight for breast size, voice, conversion therapy pushed on me, suicidal, go homeless, use Government Assistance, multiply personality, social issues, scared into thinking of existence would get me killed, and it's hard. Going to a doctor, therapy, psychiatrist, and still get miss diagnosed by other things get not listened to. I'm seeing a lot of therapy because I feel I'm a test for all sorts of mental drugs, and the PTSD of wanting not to do any legal or illegal drugs. ADHD because I can't sit still I have to always be active to get my head out of thinking. Anger management issues because of being miss understood. I've come along way in dealing with be so extreme, and learning to understand the triggers. Yeah, I couldn't do school work, jobs, drive, or most of what people call normal. I'd argue or just run off and cry why me. I'm trying to work through this with not knowing about saying peoples pronouns, and didn't know. I've always asked questions and all I got was negative responses. It took 38 years of poor guidance, brainwashing, mistreatment, and possibly more for me. So if mental medication helps you awesome, it didn't work for me. So lots of Love to All, and my heart goes out to you, and please be kind to those asking for help with Gender Dysphoria.
Is it possible to have severe gender dysphoria but not be clinically depressed? thing is I pre transitioned certainly viscerally hated having the body of the wrong gender and couldn't look at the mirror. But I'm optimistic about the future of humanity and technology. Overall my mood is 6 / 10. Would be 8 / 10 if I had the body I want.
Uh. I caming to terms that there is a high probability of me being trans. Started out from little to no gender dysphoria. Neutral to mild dysphoria. Last few day had a slow but steady dunno what you would call it an body ache, discomfort feeling and just a little awhile ago i had a strong body ache/discomfort shaking crawled up in a ball rocking and crying my eyes out. Anyone else have or had something similar happened to them?🤔
I feel I have moderate gender dysphoria. It feels like the time is going by, and i don’t really know for sure whether i Will be taking further steps To feminize a bit more My body and features or not, like permanent facial hair removal, growing My hair a bit longer, undergoing aerobic exercises for a slimmer body.. There are days i’m totally fine and happy with My male body, but there are periods where My female energy is high then i need To cope with it, through make Up, or wearing female clothes, shaving legs… I even play Nintendo Switch games with female characters and like it. Those periods If i do nothing i get way anxious, have trouble sleeping.. go Back mentally To My childhood. Perhaps I’m between gender fluid and transgender . I don’t know where This road Will take me or which steps i Will be doing, but i m trying to live one day after another. Thinking too much about it only gets me more confused.
One might feel neutral or non effected due to ignorance. However, denial depression and ignorance as well as lack of realization compared to acknowledgement is, or can be, the difference between disphoria and euphoria. When disphoria becomes euphoria awareness and momentary decompression can occur and the level of disphoria may increase also due to this self realization. Another aspect of self awareness is realization this problem is or has been amongst social environments. This causing social gender disphoria all along.
I think my dysphoria was buried under self-hatred. I hated myself for not being like the other boys. I hated myself for not being as physical and for being "too sensitive". I hated everything about me and then I accepted my identity and now, while I don't like certain aspects of myself, i know that it's not because I am a worthless mistake.
I ralised myself at about age 10-11, after figuring out i didnt really get pregnant. I wish it was that, cuz finding out you are trans instead of having a baby was even scarier. It meant i was trans, AND i couldnt carry a baby... Coping was music, woodwind orchestra, games. I could attend wind band rehearsals and preformances untill found out we have a group of dancers, walking infront of band. Those were all early teen girl dancers in most flattering costumes possible, and they would put hem on and do the hair etc for every big rehersal before the events.... It was too gruesom to watch. I would go for rehs but skip the shows. Unsless its winter, and no dancers around.... Then i just burned out and went deep into myself. Playing cool and ok. But i wasnt. Not for bullying, not for dysphoria. I would pick a new hobby to try or another instrument to learn. So far i had 12 types learned thru the years... Severe dysphoria would drain me from any strength to communicate with peers. Parents thought it was my character. That was good cover... But.i would skip any parties, or talks about sexuality or life, anything that wasnt my core interest that i built my coping upon - music, anime, games... Rhen i picked up trades - tiling, as a mean to survive and bury myself in heaviest work at construction... Also my room is always a hurricane-pathway, as it lets focus only on items i need most and not what really is around me. I hope it goes away with lesser dysphoria?
I don't have a ton of dysphoria, for the most part. The best way I can describe it is... like a latex glove that's slightly too big, all wrinkly and clammy, and you can't take it off. Others see the glove and not what's underneath the glove, and some people will tell you that there's only the glove, etc. Unlike a glove, dysphoria can lead to me being anxious at times, but that's uncommon. Leg hair, though... leg hair is a menace.
Thank you so much. A few weeks ago I've commented here and shared about my fluctuating gender dysphoria in the past 6 years. Seeing a video now makes me so happy! You explain things very well and coherently. I've always been documenting and reflecting on my thoughts and patterns and this was extremely confusing for me; now I think I might be experiencing moderate dysphoria.
Thank you for sharing this, I'm not sure what happened, but something shifted inside of me when you explained this. This might just give me the push to talk to a therapist. I was afraid to be dismissed for not having severe symptoms, but perhaps there is something worth looking for. Thank you!
I would say my dysphoria is in the moderate range, and that’s probably why it took me almost my entire life until early this year to realize I was trans. I was so oblivious; I showed all of the signs, but I didn’t understand what they really meant for so long, even though I knew trans people existed. I just thought me, personally, never could be but it’s fine for others. Days that the dysphoria wasn’t there much and I’d think “eh, I could live as a woman”, I realized, were actually just me being complacent, not me being fully satisfied with myself.
My dysphoria is life ruiningly severe and I still didn't get it til I was in my 20s.
I was like this but it was a lot more severe than I thought because I wouldn’t process it emotionally but it would come out physically such as me going mute, I logically knew I would go mute cuz I didn’t like how masculine my voice was but for some reason since I didn’t feel terrible inside I thought that I didn’t have it severe enough to be trans
Edit: I dissociated and thought since I could live with being male sometimes I couldn’t be a woman although I’ve never felt like a man to be fair I just didn’t realize I myself could be trans even though I had some exposure
But I think I would be classified as moderate or mild
I feel that
i spent 5 decades living as a man not realizing that it wasn’t normal to avoid looking at my junk, looking in mirrors, being photographed or caught on video; to hate my body hair, my male hairline; to pee sitting down unless it was unavoidable. when i was 16 my mother got me a nose hair trimmer for a Christmas present and i broke down and cried in front of everyone. early adult coping was alcohol and hallucinogenics, and clubbing/raving. oh and i attempted marine corps boot camp after high school. 😂 after a number of life-ending attempts in my 20s from self-hatred, i developed repression techniques centered around healthy eating and marathon running. almost literally running away from my dysphoria. i just didn’t recognize all this as dysphoria until youtube came along and i could see what being trans was beyond the media stereotypes. without visibility we lack the words to name ourselves. ❤
Yea I had the same, travelling especially became my way of escaping, that perhaps once I get somewhere else it is going to be different, once I arrived, nothing changed, and always without exception I did not stay there for too long, I wanted to go back and hide, which I did. I couldnt hold a job for too long either, because I did not want to be seen, I did not have a job that lasted longer than 12 months for 25 years, until I transitioned.
I think I'm in moderate range. Thanks for enlightening this endless circle of «shit, that's it» and «nah, I'm fine». That gives me a lot of confusion before
As always thank you for your video
С любовью из Санкт-Петербурга ❤
i feel like most of my life i had a mild-moderate feeling of dysphoria but had no idea what dysphoria was and it led to a general hate of my body. as ive grown up and understood my identity more i feel i have moderate dysphoria but it can be quite severe sometimes too. but its easier to deal with because now i know i dont just hate my whole body i know that certain parts of me need to change and one day ill get there. Overall, now in my life i like myself and my body more because i understand my feelings around my physical appearance more, even though my dysphoria has definitely gotten worse over the years.
its weird to have developed this version of self love where i have so much dysphoria everyday but i dont hate myself.
It was moderate dysphoria that slowly built until I was at a breaking point and couldn't take it anymore. I would try to put on dresses and skirts that I used to wear all the time and then have panic attacks and have to get out of them immediately.
I’ve always had really severe dysphoria, and I did know with certainty that it was about dysphoria. But it was most obvious as Social Dysphoria: I didn’t understand why I was supposed to dress male, and like male activities, or why it was so hard to join girl cliques. It was so obvious about gender, and sometimes I would get jealous of girls and would feel left out. I first described GD as an allergy to gender and that when things were gendered I would just have a reaction and feel sick. I must have had some physical dysphoria because around when I was 12 I shaved off all my body hair and then ai went on a camping trip with boys, and they sawe in the shower without pubic hair and made fun of me.
But it wasn’t until I took estradiol in my 40’s that I discovered how severe my body dysphoria was. I feel so much joy at the changes to my body and I keep wanting to show anyone cwho will let me. I don’t understand why I never figured this out, except I grew up with my mom always calling trans people wierd and freaks
I’ve always struggled with feeling like I’m not llowed to call myself female unless I change my body enough. So,, I really want vaginoplasty. But Ixalso really like vaginas and think I will enjoy my body more with a vagina.
My dysphoria was more in the moderate range, but mostly social, similar to what you describe. I just wanted to be one of the girls, and didn't feel I should need to change my body for the purpose, because it's more about personality
I knew pretty much my whole life, certainly from puberty. In my early 20s, I asked a psychologist about it the first time. They only tested me for genital dysphoria, and because I don't really have that, no treatment was offered to me. I was just never sure that the downsides of transition were worth it. In the end I came out at 50, because I felt society was finally handling it better. Living in a tolerant place helped too
Oh Dr. Z. Just watching your videos give me such peace of mind. Especially when it’s so hard to express my struggles but you just know so damn well on how to explain my pain lol I will forever continue telling you, you are a gem to our community 🎉
Oh geeze the description of severe dysphoria was so spot on. And the coping mechanisms, had all of them.
Much better these days
I definitely feel like I'm in the moderate to mild camp, sometimes my days are ok but sometimes I get very bad dysphphoria that manifests like a heaviness on my chest that slows down my breathing and brings down my mood and energy
And speaking of the toothache analogy I actually have a toothache that comes and goes which is a bit funny in this case lol
People say toothaches never go away on their own, but it's not true. In my case, I'm pretty sure it's because of teeth grinding - when I grind less, the ache may stop. And of course the grinding is often a sign of stress, like for example when gender dysphoria gets worse
feels like an ill fitting shoe, like a discomfort in the whole body, like a constant pain of having to be what they want be to behave like because of my preceved looks......
You're not alone friend!!
Yeah. Mine is like a latex glove that's too big that you've been wearing for hours.
We all have a different narrative and interpretation of where this neutrality in gender expression falls. Given that most of us have experienced denial and repression without much awareness of its existence, expressing to what degree one may be experiencing gender dysphoria is incredibly difficult. For example, in my case, I feel I've always known who I am, but didn't have the language or meaning to express that. I think somewhere along the line, I began to understand that my way of expression was wrong and I needed to adapt and fit into the expected gender role. I was afraid of a lot of things as a child, including being myself, but generally accepted I had to play a role. That is the definition of repression and it lasted until the fictional version of myself began to make me physically ill. My denial, at its highest lead me to firmly believe I was normal and masculine, except for this odd kink and feelings I worked very hard at keeping in the dark. Eventually, and to my sheer panic, my life began to crumble. I could no longer manage the gendered expectations, no matter what new ideas came forth to reinforce that identity, until it exploded. Where I thought that maybe my dysphoria was "neutral", that was just me, lying to myself to hide the fear of "what if" -what if I had to accept my true self. Things were pretty bad, looking back. If this resonates with you, maybe you just need to forget about whatever anyone has ever told you and listen to that voice inside that is screaming at you to listen. I wish I did that years ago.
I've been on HRT for 19 months and I'm not sure i remember what my worst symptoms felt like or just the way I described them. And considering it took me until 34 to realize i had severe gender dysphoria, I think got simply see patients after they've already figured it out for then themselves. I actually thought it was normal and didn't believe i could ever feel better. I was also afraid of asking for help.
I also thought feeling bad about my body was normal also. Never knew anything about gender identity or options. Don't ask for help, that's weakness, etc. Feel terrible, pretend you're normal, muddle through life, and repeat. All the repression, pain, denial, depression just compounds over the years to an exploding point where life just becomes unbearable. That's my experience. HRT saved me. Glad you figured it out also!! 😁 🏳⚧
@@time4clocks ...muddle through life, and repeat. Those times were the worst, weren't they? In my sheer denial and stupidity I was horribly oblivious to how miserable I was. Thank heavens we are now here. - Thanks for sharing!
@@vanessaleblanc2583 So happy you are on a better path now also, Vanessa! I try to be thankful even though I'm a late bloomer. What if I never bloomed at all. 🙀Hope everything goes well for you in life!! 🥰🏳⚧
Wow you just described me to a T with moderate gender dysphoria, it makes me pretty emotional honestly. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience here for free, I'm very thankful 🙏
I didn't know anything about trans folks until earlier this year, but looking back it was always so obvious: depression, boozein', totally apathetic to assigned gender, irritation with expectations of me, rebelling against social norms like "I'm gonna buy the PINK one just to piss people off", right on down to things I'd say like "just think of me as one of the girls" wayyyy before I remotely considered that I could be trans at 38. Even now, I still have moments where I consider whether I actually am. I still have a hard time cognitively relating it all to being transgender because I am so literally disconnected from my body, I just feel like I'm operating a meat machine, and sometimes it feels so foreign to me that I straight up just have a panic attack about feeling trapped in it, notably when I've tried smoking pot. I found so much joy in dropping some of the expectations to present masculine that it made things better that I didn't even expect: being alone now is like no big deal, whereas prior I just got so lonely.
Thank you. This is very good content on the subject. I have had fairly severe dysphoria all my life. I'm retired from my day job now, about 2 years after coming out. My most obvious, to me, symptom was summed up in the word "hair." As I told my therapist, "hair, hair, too much or not enough and always in the wrong places." My coping mechanism were being an amateur, eccentric artist, allowing for strange clothing choices, and cannabis abuse. Now my clothing choices are better (I've even been complemented by strangers a couple times, which is really exhilarating, let me tell you) and my cannabis use, though not stopped, is greatly reduced. I'm getting a little better every day. I can feel it.
Since I've never seen your channel before I'm not sure why exactly YT decided to send me here, but... Growing up I didn't 'get' that there was a difference between 'girls' and 'boys'. I only started to 'get it' during puberty and I always felt out of place. I had a lot of issues with Depression and tried all sorts of methods to cope. I also studied Psychology in college (it was my minor) which is an all to common coping method in itself. However, gender dysmorphia and being 'trans' weren't even things I encountered at that point. Those things wouldn't even come up until later in my late 30's. I've 'made due' my entire life and now I'm middle aged, but I've had hundreds of moments where I have had intense feelings that I shouldn't have been born as the gender I am. Now I wish I'd talked to someone ages ago and I wonder exactly where along the curve I probably do fit. xD
This definitely resonates with me.. I also feel I should have done something about it looooong ago, but now I'm here, thinking that the more someone realizes their truth, the less one cares about what others think.
As a 59 year old Trans woman that is 5 years into medical transition, I want you to know. It is never too late to be genuine.
❤@@clarissanavarro2762
I am moderate, but there's no question I have gender dysphoria. My problem is that just because I know I am not male doesn't mean I am female. I don't feel like I'd fit in any better. I wish my body were different, but I can't make that my fore. I would push a button if I could, but I could never transition. I wish I could socialize with women more completely, but there are ways I don't fit. My best friends are women. I think I am agender.
Realizing I'm agender (and more generally, that non-binary identities are a thing) triggered my eventual, belated coming out. I then started hanging out with women more, and I learned over time that I'm just much more comfortable if I'm seen as a woman rather than a man - and being seen neutral doesn't happen often enough and can be very isolating. So after 6 years of experimenting with various presentations, I decided to lean into being fem and even taking hormones. I don't think there's any way to find out what really suits you except trying it out
I'm somewhere between moderate to minimal yet feeling weird not able till I seen this to describe feeling other than depression and a little denial. I've been sober and no drugs for 6 months and that along with some social interactions lately with people being mean to me Misgendering me etc. I think have put me in a slump. Also starting to have intimacy with a couple people has made me on eld. So what you said hit home and I feel a bit better knowing it's another form of my gender dysphoria transitioning with me as I progress etc. Thanx so much 💜 I shared on FB to let others know too that I need time space and therapeutic means to evolve through this ...
I think I have moderate and I find it hits me when I'm alone with my thoughts for a while. So it will come when I get sick for a few days and I'm off work I start thinking about my body more and then it is more like a toothache. When busy I can basically live ok with my coping strategies. The fluctuations make me think my gender is fluid/non binary and for now that's how I live. Then there's the things that seem to trigger it which are like seeing non-binary people who seem really comfy in their gender and also who are thinner than me. I'm afab and really dysphoric about my curves so I always want to lose weight for that reason. Other triggers is like seeing muscly guys - somehow that can make me feel weird about my body
This is great Dr Z. I am moderate with periods of intense GD. When I was growing up stories of trans folk would be in the severe (born in the wrong body) category and because I didn’t feel like that I discounted it. About 16 years ago I went to a therapist because I had a looong period of anxiety that was getting worse and I also had some panic attacks (I had a panic attack because the IT guy at work set my emoji as a man with a beard 🤯). My therapist referred me to a gender therapist who pretty quickly explained what a trans experience was.
I've heard it compared to ill-fitting clothes, but I've compared it to the Berserker Armor worn by Guts. On the outside, you have immense power and can seemingly overcome anything. It's what everyone expects of you. It protects and conceals you from the outside world. But on the inside, you're cut up and broken, and nobody can see how much you're hurting. You don't even realize it until you start to slowly peel away the armor and lay eyes upon yourself for the first time.
Damn this really called me out. Oooft! Right in the feels. I love this description and i didn't even know it.
Someone needs to explain some of this to Buck Angel.
I knew something was wrong. But I didn’t realize it was physical dysphoria until now. I knew it was there socially.
I didn’t realize it was physical with me too. Things make a lot more sense now
Honestly my dysphoria is pretty moderate when I am in private or even lower when I’m around supportive people but when I’m around my very transphobic family my dysphoria and depression goes up to severe. I am currently unable to leave at this current moment and I need coping mechanisms to help me get by until I can get into my own safe home and am not being effected by toxic family
I was in the mild group last year and settled in the moderate group for awhile. Identified as gender non conforming for about a year but realized it wasn’t enough. Finally at pride this year dressed more queer and that ignited me further, identified as genderqueer and started cross dressing/presenting more androgynous. But I realized that was not enough and fully transitioned immediately because if I didn’t it would have escalated to severe.
This was super useful for me just now, thank you Dr. Z 🙏❤
I've never been professionally diagnosed by type of severity. But I can feel and therefore know that it's severe. With you explaining I'm still quite shocked that my dysphoria is severe. I honestly don't know how I dealt with it before transitioning and starting hormones. It's still pretty severe, but social transition and affirmation combined with the effects of HRT helped me survive and thrive. Life's still rough, but better and more manageable than before! 😊
Moderate with a heavy dose of religious and cultural repression. For a long time I felt insufficient in my gender... That I wasn't "man enough." Glad to be breaking free and embracing femininity but life is still a struggle in other ways.
As always, your work is beautiful.
Sorry for my bad English.
Somewhere from the age of 12-13, I continue to guess. More precisely, the feeling of dysphoria was more clear, but easier in youth. Now it is more confusing, but harder. I do not like my biological sex, but I have no complete confidence about the opposite. Sometimes I feel strong discomfort, sometimes I feel neutral detachment from my body, sometimes my body is pretty to me, but as if I look at another person, I suppose. Communication with people can affect the intensity of dysphoria, how people read me, how they communicate with me. The fact that I allow myself to express myself through a hairstyle or some aspects of behavior may help partially reduce the dysphoria. Avoiding people helps too. The fact that I have quite progressive views and oppose gender stereotypes helps me, but brings me more confusion at the same time. It seems that it is easier to decide on your gender identity if you think that men and women are from two different planets. Then it is more painful to accept yourself at the same time. But if we assume that men and women are from one single planet, or that each person has their own unique planet, everything becomes more confusing.
I thought I only suffered from social dysphoria, but when I started to think through how I've lived and how I felt the whole time like I was not fitting, I was feeling "off" and miserable the harder I tried to present as a woman.
I had a dress-period and that was horribly stressful.
If I had known back then that I was nonbinary, things would maybe not have been easier but I would have been able to mitigate things atleast.
I have depression an asthma I wasn't that aware of til recently, ud of had it decades😮dad was a bit narcy, put me down a lot, I was pretty dum back then, not now
Moderate Camp 👋🏻
I definitely fall within moderate. I've been questioning for over 10 years now. I still remember searching "Can boys turn into girls" the very first time and Jazz Jennings coming up in the search results when I was 13. I've been wondering and thinking about it for so long now it's honestly torture at this point. I'm beginning to feel as if I should just transition and deal with the consequences if there is a negative outcome at this point. I just have to know if I'm trans and the only way I can see my self finding out is transitioning.
Every time I have a dream where I've transitioned and everything is successful and had the surgeries and they all turned out amazing. My family still loves me for who I am. I've always wanted to live in those dreams, but they are just dreams, and I know they are dreams because they are the perfect outcome.
Good news is my friends have been using my chosen name for the past 3 years already and don't really care if I transition or not, but they I use to make very trans jokes and they would just yell "JUST TRANSITION ALREADY!!!" I love those guys. Wish my parents were the same.
These videos are very helpful even if I don't really have a clue if I'm trans or not.
I had severe dysphoria and was delayed for many years because of a high control religious context. It sucked but I have never doubted my gender identity just what was I allowed to do about it
My diaspora started off mild when I was 5 years old. Then it when to mild to moderate when I turned 6 years old. During that time it mainly concept of me not liking being perceived as a boy from a social standpoint. When I was 12 it cranked up a bit when I started having dreams that I was a girl. At the time it really freaked me out because all I wanted to be was a normal boy and fit in. Fast forward to when I was nearly 17 and starting to go through puberty it turned into server diaspora. I could not stand the changes going on. I remember being 17 and my mom asking me to make sure I was regularly checking my testicle since a family's friends teen son just got diagnosed with cancer. I was horrified that I would have to look down there and have to touch my testicle. Other than going to the bathroom, I avoid touching down there and avoid looking down there at all cost. During my late teens, I started turning to drugs and alcohol. I was still able to graduate from college with two degrees, but after a year of working on my masters, my drug addiction was so bad I had to leave and finally got sober at the age of 25 after being arrested twice and having a 100 dollar to 200 dollar a day heroin and cocaine habit. I do remember that my drug habit did help my gender diaspora alot but at about 2 weeks clean while in rehab, it came back with a vengeance. I still didn't want to talk about it, so I left that out when talking to my consular.
After getting clean and sober, I threw myself into my job and was very successful. I also finished my masters degree. I even started working out. I was in great shape but I remember looking in the mirror with my shirt off and thinking anyone would kill for this body but being disappointed in myself because I hated it. I think the only reason I lasted that long was because I naturally have a feminine body with a hip to waist ratio that is closer to that of a female than a male, small hands, and feminine facial features. I was still having dreams that I was a woman that has not stopped since I was 12. I also was always hyper aware of feminine and masculine mannerisms and would always do my best not to act feminine, but anytime I would try to act more masculine it was like nails on a chalkboard to me. It was causing mental pain to try and be more masculine. I remember during this time, I would also lay in bed at night and I would be crying and begging God to either make the diaspora go away or let me wake up the next morning in a female body.
But then my dreams of starting my PhD came true. I moved across the country and thought this would finally make me happy. It didn't take long after moving to fall into a deep depression. Despite all I done, I could not run away from myself. My depression was so bad that when visiting family this past winter break, they could all tell I was depressed. I knew myself enough so by the begin of this year, I could tell I was on the verge of a total mental break down if I did not get help. I started seeing a therapist and talking about this to someone for the first time in my life. It did not take long for her to diagnose me. I even had her supervisor diagnose me too.
I like what you said about server diaspora. I remember earlier this year while in tears telling my therapist who would want this, this isn't fun. I just want this to stop. I remember also asking her, who in the hell is happy to find out they're trans.
That being said, I am in a much better head space today and will be celebrating 6 years clean and sober tomorrow. I even started taking concrete steps in my transition, I had a consultation appointment last week to start laser hair removal, I have my first vocal lesson this week with Seattle Voice Lab, and I'm scheduling an appointment with a General Physician that specializes in gender care to hopefully start HRT around the beginning of next year.
Even through I'm doing all this, I would prefer if I just didn't have gender diaspora. I'm mainly doing this just to make the extremely uncomfortable feeling I have with my body and how I'm proceeded go away.
My therapist told me this past week that transitioning by itself is neutral. It can be either negative or positive based off of why you are transitioning. (I typed this on by phone so there is probably grammar errors.)
I consider myself formerly in the neutral category. I couldn't ever look in a mirror that I'd pass by. All my video game characters were female. I was always drawn to female care items. I purchased hair coloring that I liked but sit it on the shelf. I was constantly looking at female care (e.g. facial creams)"wistfully", I felt like I should be able to wear certain female clothes (not really underwear fwiw). I'm not particularly interested in crossdressing because I'm still a male. I watched and enjoyed a TH-cam nail channel (nailogical) often. I bought specifically feminine facial care items (not really makeup). I'd buy pastel colored satin robes. I looked at what other women were wearing and be "wistful" about their experience. I'd buy rose scented candles.
What's a laugh is there was a TH-cam channel where they came out as transgender and I was critiquing them saying they should do this but not that. I ran across a female name I really like and said to myself "If I was transgender that's exactly the name I'd have!'. I'd be telling myself continually that my thoughts process was like a woman's. Anyway looking back I have a list stretching back in time.
There was some coincidence online where somebody heavily suggested I was trans and then that was my "egg cracking." I can best describe what I went through as being in or having this "shadow" or maybe a "haunting."
The problem I have and still in denial perhaps as you say "unravelling" I am now craving to transition but it goes back to the "heart and mind" issue from your last video that I can't reconcile and need help with!
Dr Z, I'm continually impressed by your compassion and expertise. I transitioned 25 years ago and I encountered only hostility from doctors (and I live in NYC!).
The Harry Benjamin gatekeepers kept you in therapy forever and refused to issue a doctors' note for HRT.
It was a nightmare
After three years of suffering severe dysphoria, I found the Callen Lorde Clinic which finally enabled me to transition. My wife divorced me but we still see each other a lot.
I just purchased a breast binder because I'd like to pass as a man again when i go out with my ex wife. My doctor doubts that I can do this. Nothing is easy of course, but what you describe as severe dysphoria is so accurate and I've never heard it defined so well.
Thank you again!
I find i don't feel like I fit in , most times I don't feel right. Something is always off. I feel I study others so I can act more like others and try not to stand out too much but when I fit in too much it creates pain in my mind because it's not right.
I feel like I am losing the distinction between body and psycho-social aspects of gender while listening to this. I have both, I think, but the body dysphoria is rather less than the other aspects. On the other hand I tend to dissociate from my body for much of my life, so I guess that says a lot, too...
For me, severe dysphoria feels like first-second degree burns almost all over my body and they never go away, and they hurt me. E.g. when the clothes hugs my chest and I can feel that the shape of my chest is wrong, my genitals are wrong, my thighs are also wrong. It gets so bad sometimes I want to scream and shake and punch the walls and everything around me in a hopeless attempt to escape this burning skin I'm wearing. But I can't do that in public so I repress it as much as I can, get angry and furious and aggressive and want to cry. When I was a teen and didn't know that I was transgender I thought my only way out was to die. 😢
if I do have gender dysphoria, it would be in the mild range, but I can't tell if what I've experienced has tied to my gender or not. I suspect that I'm genderfluid, demifluid, or a gender identity that is fluid and/or flucuates. in parts of my life, I remember disliking and feeling disconnected from my name (I would zone out when somebody called my name and I'd think, "that's not me"). I would also sometimes zone out when I become aware of my body. I never thought it was tied to gender, I just thought I disliked my name and that it's normal to zone out and feel disconnected whenever awareness of your body arises. and I also felt/feel neutral about my gender. it was until I wanted to use a male name and a male/androgynous avatar and profile picture for fun, but whenever somebody referred to me with he/him pronouns and used that name, I felt euphoric. it felt right in that moment. but of course this flucuates too, so now I'm neutral about everything, or maybe i'd rather someone use she/her or they/them to refer to me. but now that I'm questioning that I could be genderqueer, I'm more aware of my gender. I'm more aware that there is usually something off, and sometimes I can tell if it's directly tied to gender, but most of the time, I don't know. I don't know if anything i've experienced has been gender dysphoria of if it's just me being weird.
I'm definitely in the mild or neutral camp. Until watching this video, I would have said I had absolutely no gender dysphoria, that I'm perfectly comfortable as a cis male, AMAB and 78 years old living as a man. But in that case, why do I suddenly find myself with two dresses, three bras & panties, and a substantial makeup collection? Oh, and a breast pump. Surely I wouldn't be spending so much time and money if I were merely exploring the feminine side of my character. So I have to admit I am experiencing very mild gender dysphoria. I can pinpoint what set me off: I have had hypogonadism for twenty years or more, mostly untreated, and in the past couple of years my testosterone has been zero, below the measurable limit. I had a few months of testosterone replacement therapy, which was very beneficial, but I developed breast cancer last year. The mastectomy was successful, but male breast cancer has a higher risk of recurring on the other side, and the oncologist forbids the TRT. Meanwhile, I'm reacting like a teenager denied a request. If I can't have the TRT and be functionally male, well, dammit, I'll transition, and be female, at least as far as I can go without estrogen therapy, which would be an even worse risk factor. So TBH, I guess I do have some dysphoria!
My dysphoria was moderate but I think it’s because I’m alexathymic and am not integrated with myself despite my emotional intelligence and awareness due to trauma I’ve become this way. I knew why I would feel gender dysphoria but I didn’t trust my emotions nor process em well it was me being slightly in denial but mostly pushing it away and me not thinking I could do it and it work out. I employ a lot of cognitive empathy and sympathy and gain insight easily so I’m surprised I find it difficult to be in touch with myself when I easily understand people.
My environment was also very bad financially and with the transphobia around me stuff that wasn’t in my control and still isn’t at 19 because I feel I keep getting unlucky, I hate blaming my environment and tend to internalize blame but there are seriously things that have happened that I can not logic anyway I could have prevented it what I can do is try and move forward. I also am research prone, and would always fall into the rabbit hole of research, and it actually wasn’t helpful because I would often see those with severe dysphoria and would be like I can’t be actually trans because I’m not them I’m not perfect and I don’t deserve to live as me. Be try masochistic and that’s how I have had to grow up.
Can dysphoria an too much testosterone cause brain inflammation in tgs
i had severe dysphoria for sure, but i couldn't put a name to it because my mother kind of traumatized me. so, instead, i just assumed i was uniquely broken.
after i learned what trans people are, it took all of five months to come out to the first person.
the egg cracking narrative of "wanting to be a woman" wasn't helpful to me. there are parts that we can point out that i want, and there are parts that i can say i don't care for. but wanting to be a woman, what does that mean? but i found my own answer very quickly. i didn't want to be a woman. i _was_ a woman. what i wanted was to feel peace with my own body. to not hate it. and to be able to present in a way that i didn't feel like i was wearing a mask, or like i was tricking people by pretending to be something i wasn't.
Ryuuky: She/Her ( Sounds it makes me happy ); Girl ( Feels more feminine ); Demi ( Feels best to identify a less feminine feeling ) XtF ( X feels better than the M word ) I'm a Transgender Demigirl, and a Pansexual. So, be you and make someone else happy. Yeah, I can say MtF or Male to Fe Male or Wo Man or Man, but in reference to me it's awful. I hate Dead Naming someone or myself. Yeah, I'm Punk, Emo, Scene Kid, and Gothic; it does matter how I put it in order, there all my favorite. ⚧♀♂🏳🌈🏳⚧ Happy Halloween😈👻🤡💀☠😸🙇♀🏄♀🚣♀🏊♀🏋♀🚴♀🤾♀🚵♀🤸♀🤼♀🤽♀🤾♀🤹♀🧘♀🦊🦄🐕🐯🦍🐒🐸🐍🐉🦕🕷
Gender Dysphoria for me it is Severe for me. I've gone to so many problems growing up all the time because I had a hard time explaining. I'd attempt for dresses, earrings, shoes, enjoying pain, drinking, overdose, make up, ER, Schizo Affective, Major Depression, no mental medication not working, bipolar, anxiety, paranoia, gain tons of weight for breast size, voice, conversion therapy pushed on me, suicidal, go homeless, use Government Assistance, multiply personality, social issues, scared into thinking of existence would get me killed, and it's hard. Going to a doctor, therapy, psychiatrist, and still get miss diagnosed by other things get not listened to. I'm seeing a lot of therapy because I feel I'm a test for all sorts of mental drugs, and the PTSD of wanting not to do any legal or illegal drugs. ADHD because I can't sit still I have to always be active to get my head out of thinking. Anger management issues because of being miss understood. I've come along way in dealing with be so extreme, and learning to understand the triggers. Yeah, I couldn't do school work, jobs, drive, or most of what people call normal. I'd argue or just run off and cry why me. I'm trying to work through this with not knowing about saying peoples pronouns, and didn't know. I've always asked questions and all I got was negative responses. It took 38 years of poor guidance, brainwashing, mistreatment, and possibly more for me. So if mental medication helps you awesome, it didn't work for me. So lots of Love to All, and my heart goes out to you, and please be kind to those asking for help with Gender Dysphoria.
Is it possible to have severe gender dysphoria but not be clinically depressed? thing is I pre transitioned certainly viscerally hated having the body of the wrong gender and couldn't look at the mirror. But I'm optimistic about the future of humanity and technology. Overall my mood is 6 / 10. Would be 8 / 10 if I had the body I want.
I bleached my hair and grew it long. If I had any doubts about gender dysphoria the general public don’t 😂.
Uh. I caming to terms that there is a high probability of me being trans. Started out from little to no gender dysphoria. Neutral to mild dysphoria. Last few day had a slow but steady dunno what you would call it an body ache, discomfort feeling and just a little awhile ago i had a strong body ache/discomfort shaking crawled up in a ball rocking and crying my eyes out. Anyone else have or had something similar happened to them?🤔
I feel I have moderate gender dysphoria. It feels like the time is going by, and i don’t really know for sure whether i Will be taking further steps To feminize a bit more My body and features or not, like permanent facial hair removal, growing My hair a bit longer, undergoing aerobic exercises for a slimmer body..
There are days i’m totally fine and happy with My male body, but there are periods where My female energy is high then i need To cope with it, through make Up, or wearing female clothes, shaving legs… I even play Nintendo Switch games with female characters and like it.
Those periods If i do nothing i get way anxious, have trouble sleeping.. go Back mentally To My childhood.
Perhaps I’m between gender fluid and transgender . I don’t know where This road Will take me or which steps i Will be doing, but i m trying to live one day after another. Thinking too much about it only gets me more confused.
One might feel neutral or non effected due to ignorance. However, denial depression and ignorance as well as lack of realization compared to acknowledgement is, or can be, the difference between disphoria and euphoria. When disphoria becomes euphoria awareness and momentary decompression can occur and the level of disphoria may increase also due to this self realization. Another aspect of self awareness is realization this problem is or has been amongst social environments. This causing social gender disphoria all along.
I think my dysphoria was buried under self-hatred. I hated myself for not being like the other boys. I hated myself for not being as physical and for being "too sensitive". I hated everything about me and then I accepted my identity and now, while I don't like certain aspects of myself, i know that it's not because I am a worthless mistake.
I ralised myself at about age 10-11, after figuring out i didnt really get pregnant. I wish it was that, cuz finding out you are trans instead of having a baby was even scarier. It meant i was trans, AND i couldnt carry a baby...
Coping was music, woodwind orchestra, games. I could attend wind band rehearsals and preformances untill found out we have a group of dancers, walking infront of band. Those were all early teen girl dancers in most flattering costumes possible, and they would put hem on and do the hair etc for every big rehersal before the events.... It was too gruesom to watch. I would go for rehs but skip the shows. Unsless its winter, and no dancers around.... Then i just burned out and went deep into myself. Playing cool and ok. But i wasnt. Not for bullying, not for dysphoria. I would pick a new hobby to try or another instrument to learn. So far i had 12 types learned thru the years... Severe dysphoria would drain me from any strength to communicate with peers. Parents thought it was my character. That was good cover... But.i would skip any parties, or talks about sexuality or life, anything that wasnt my core interest that i built my coping upon - music, anime, games... Rhen i picked up trades - tiling, as a mean to survive and bury myself in heaviest work at construction... Also my room is always a hurricane-pathway, as it lets focus only on items i need most and not what really is around me. I hope it goes away with lesser dysphoria?
I can't even look in the mirror, I wear long clothes and my appetite is literally ruined
But like, what if it’s more like medium, but you’ve known what it is most of your life?
you are a beautiful woman...
To much information, for a person who's egg just cracked.
I am a Trans woman. It upsets me to watch you talking about what I am going thru. You will never understand
I don't have a ton of dysphoria, for the most part. The best way I can describe it is... like a latex glove that's slightly too big, all wrinkly and clammy, and you can't take it off. Others see the glove and not what's underneath the glove, and some people will tell you that there's only the glove, etc. Unlike a glove, dysphoria can lead to me being anxious at times, but that's uncommon.
Leg hair, though... leg hair is a menace.