Healthy Vs Unhealthy GUILT -- A Former Therapist Explores the Difference
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 26 ก.ค. 2018
- wildtruth.net I’ve been thinking of this subject a lot over the years -- as it seems so common that people feel both these types of guilt. I filmed this 14-minute video in one take, no edits at all. Sometimes what I want to say is just right there on the tip of my tongue.
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I am an INFJ diagnosed with C-PTSD. After watching thousands of videos; I proclaim this to be the Greatest Video of All time! I don’t know how to promote this enough now in a positive way so whole communities could watch at once!
You’re not “an INFJ”. These bull shit models suggest determining your “personality” are not true, not real, not scientific and not helpful.
I had this unhealthy guilt of not being able to help my parents and siblings with their personal problems. Until I snapped out of it and eventually called them out on it, and let them know how much they hurt me, and that I would no longer put up with it.
Good for you. How did that go over? I used to bend over backwards to help any and all family members, but they were not always there for me. I finally said NO to my sister when she asked me to do something I was not capable of doing. And that single NO got me written out of my mom's will.That was a very expensive NO. So not only did I lose my mom, but my sister too. So much for "family".
It actually went over pretty well, they pushed backed in the begining, but then apologized and my relationship with my parents and sister is better than it's been in a long time, thankfully.
Sometimes there is no saving a relationship, and it's better to move on with out them.
@@jurupa3210 great amazing ! well done you ! (y)
I have a strong guilt about wanting phisical/emotional intimacy. Guilt about wanting it, and fear to seek it out. I almost never seek it out, and when I do I end up apologizing for burdening them. They always tell me "it's okay", but i feel like they're lying.
This is exactly what I did. When I finished high school (and this is mainly because I was conflicted and undecided onto what career path to pursue, because I felt like my true calling was undesired by my parents, who thought more of the posibility of having a better financial gain and also a better social status) I chose and swore at the time to fulfil my parents dreams, more so my mom's dream of being a medical doctor, when what I truly wanted was to be an artist, even a mediocre one, but that would have fulfilled me. In the end it all back fired and neigther of us got the satisfactory result. Though I am trying to stay positive and hope that I will eventually break away from them and pursue my own dreams of travelling and doing art. I think I've already made a first step, but I am still far from getting there. I hope I ain't lying to myself, I'm still not confident enough.
"A lot of parents will do anything for their kids
except let them be themselves"....BANKSY(UK)
sooo true
Recently, I've recognized this is something I've struggled with since child hood. I call the chronic sense of guilt children feel for their parents' failures, "toxic guilt." Daniel, thank you for what you do.
and all in one take?! I find your clarity so helpful and remarkable
Dan you are amazing, thank you for putting these out for us.
Have you thought about being a professor for counseling students? You inspire and actually break down interesting concepts
Growing up with a covert narc mom I thought guilt was my only birth right.
When you started talking about the unhealthy side of guilt it made me think that a lot of people do this to feel better about themselves. My father tried to make me feel guilty for never calling him even though he left, blaming me that I didn’t love him even though he caused so much distress in the household. Which resulted me hating him so much. He tried to make me feel so guilty by telling me that he took great care of me when I was younger and I don’t appreciate it, I didn’t know how to respond. Haven’t from him in months and I don’t feel guilty for not calling him, actually quite happy he left.
khushbu sardar I feel like I could’ve wrote this myself 😔
you can tell him that as a father it was his job to take care of u since u were his child that he chose to bring into this world. thats his job and duty because you didnt knock on his door as a baby asking for a parent, he chose to have you. thats the least any parent should do and they dont deserve a prize for it either even though many do feel that way which is abusive
corsican lulu My dad even found a way to blame me for that: He is a spiritual person and thinks the soul chooses their parents. So I am guilty anyway, because I chose him as a father.
corsican lulu my mother and relatives have told him this too many times to actually count! He abuses drugs and alcohol and doesn’t care. I haven’t spoke to him in months and like to keep our distance.
Marion Öschelmüller his fault for being an option
Thank you for this video Daniel. It explains a lot of the guilt i experience as a result of being emotionally abused by a narcissistic parent who could never own her own inner pain and the subsequent dysfunctional behavior she displayed towards her children.
I have always believed what you’re saying. We cannot function as human beings without any guilt, even though the New Age movement calls it the “useless emotion” - of course unhealthy guilt is useless, but healthy guilt helps us become better people.
This is an amazing talk Daniel, it really touched me
I’ve been on a rabbit hole of your videos and for once in a long time I feel so understood and more at peace
When I confronted my mother first for the things she has done to me and my brother (emotionally and psychologically) she denied it first, then she admitted it but she minimized it, she said it didn't happen as often, she said "at least you didn't have to built a house when you were 6".
When I tried to confront my father about his abusive behaviour he denied it completely, he said he doesn't remember it at all, and I didn't continue trying to talk to them about it, and I started feeling unhealthy guilt. Naturally, my state of mind got worse and worse, and then my state of body.
I became anorexic, addicted to drugs, benzos, painkillers, now I'm so angry and confused, its like I got traumatized all over again.
I feel lost and depressed.
Thank you for the insight Mr. Daniel Mackler, I watch your videos everyday and trying to heal, but its very slow and hard.
Much Love
@@kubilay9873 miraculously better :) I am free of drugs and meds and doing the job I love, surrounded by my teachers & good friends :)
God changed my life 💗
Very well stated and useful information, I have had issues with false guilt from my mother who displayed grief and anger when confronted on certain issues, I felt guilty for "hurting" her. It confused my moral compass, later in life I suppressed a natural feeling of guilt when having done a genuine out-moral action.
I love listening to you. You seem so kind.
I think i feel guilty for being born and a burden 😢 ... some days i wish i could just rip out the feeling. It hurts too much some times.
Thank you for being a tender example of how i can explore my (some times unbearable) life.
Thank you . I needed to hear this after my theraphy session today .🍀🍀🍀🍀
A great thing about your videos (apart from the great and unique content) is that the talk starts right from the first second as soon as you open the video, without annoying "introduction/advertisement". I love it.
Your insight is always well appreciated! Thank you so much!!
i was taught that kids are supposed to take care of the parents later cause they were taken care of by their parents. and i was taught the fear from if i dont have children then i will die lonely and in a an old folks home where people wouldnt treat me well.
im moving out this month. ive been an adult for a long time but my parents did a good job making me believe i couldnt take care of myself. for the past 5 years i have really been fighting for my own life. for the past 2 years, i have been struggling to make boundaries, often in a very mean manner cause no one would listen to my kindness. instead twisting my words and intentions into something to vilify me.
now i will soon be gone from here.
someone asked me if i will be lonely...
no. no, i won't be lonely.
i'll be alone and it'll be like heaven.
what an accurate explanation of false guilt. Thank you, I have grieved over my entire life.
Excellent!
I love you so much and I'm so glad that you're doing better. Your videos have helped me a lot.
Thanks for being around, man
There's also another thing that many tend to confuse with guilt, but it's not the one you call "fake guilt". It is a fear of being punished (both reasonable and phantom) in one way or another. What distinguishes it from genuine guilt (unreasonable guilt is genuine as well, if it's really guilt and not smth else) is the absence of remorse, of desire either to redress the harm and be forgiven or to be punished in order to redeem what you've done. That's the basic difference. In one case one accepts punishment while in other one wants to avoid it.
In fact, most people who are willing to get rid of "feeling of guilt" or who educate others on how to do it are actually talking about fear of punishment (in a broad sense - including e.g. someone's disapproval) and sense of self-worthlessness. When I tried to explain them what I see as an genuine guilt, they couldn't understand me. Seems like they never experienced it.
Thank you, Daniel.
This talk about healthy and unhealthy/fake quilt makes so much sense. I very much agree with what was said, here.
Thank you, Daniel and keep up the good work!
make a TEDtalk man...it would be fantastic!...
TED creeps me out; I get the feeling that the people who run TED and field for guests are the exact kind of organization that would feel personally attacked by half the stuff Dan says.
Daniel, I am so grateful for your videos. I am in a better place in my own mind because of you. Thank you ❤
Excellent talk. thanks.
Your videos (along with the help of other experiences) have been extremely helpful to me figuring out my inner workings. Thank you so much!
Thanks for the video
You are an amazing speaker..have you ever considered doing lectures? Also when you talk about the fakeness of other ppl and not living to your fullest potential I think of social media and how everything is focused on conforming to American ideals (getting married, having a 9-5pm, and "living your best life"). It's funny because sometimes these things don't live up to being your true self and instead living up to certain archetypes.
I'm just clicking "like" on every video of yours I see. Thanks for putting this out there.
thank you so much for your ideas here. i am very happy to see you back on youtube. your insights have contributed to my developing sense of personal sovereignty, especially over the last few months
On point through and through.
Thank you!
Great video again Daniel. Thank you.
I just really love how you break things down....you help me make sense out of the senselessness of others.
Hi Dan, thank you so much for this post. I am working on reclaiming my lost self & making lots of progress❤️Everything you said here is refreshing & helpful. Thanks 🐬
that surrogate parent thing really was a devastating harsh truth. Great talk, thank you so much for your insights and calmness in your great questions and answers - keep it going :)
Awesome, makes so much sense, thanks for your honesty
Thank you for your helpful videos!!!
I appreciate this video. You make me want to think like you. Thank you. 😇👍
Alice Miller once said: guilty feeling means we weren’t not love. From my experience I recall resent, I can prove that this is so insightful.
Me like this overview!
I do think it’s a fine expectation for children to take care of their elderly parents but abusive ones? Nope!
This had me confused lately. I stopped engaging with my family and I don’t plan to ever. People being abusive but are unwilling to acknowledge it or do anything about it is not something I know how to deal with so I’m not going to.
This is my life. I despised my parents as a kid and still to this day. They destroyed my soul and will to live!!
This video is like watching someone say what I’ve been doing
This is the best video I have ever seen
Great insight!
A painful truth, thank you. Rage at lies, is just one of the consequences of that abuse...we were manipulated, betrayed, thrown aside... that is one definite definition of a sin. Burn in hell, bastards....annnnd smile!
For me. Unhealthy guilt can stem from healthy guilt. It's when we've done something that was bad and then feel guilty, that we dwell on that guilt so much that it becomes unhealthy.
The relationship between shame and guilt and regret is interesting. In a sense if we are incapable of shame the guilt we feel may merely be regret and not have the affect of a strong internal emotional component that can motivate the desire to grow and change. Shame to me seems to be an authenic feeling that can be used as a benchmark to guide our assesment of "ownership" of guilt.
totally agree with this and def. the guilt projection - thank you
I think this is a beautifully expressed video, thanks. I feel this has a energetically relising effect. I think that sometimes we can go full circle as it were, and sometimes I feel a bit soppy and I think sometimes, who you are is that giver and , if thats true, that should be OK too?
Every time i watch your videos it is like describe my life
me too
There’s unskillful and skillful shame/guilt; it seems pretty common sense but when you get that ‘tinge’ that you did something dishonest, then you just aspire to **not** repeat it 🤷♀️ #teamhealthy
Your work is great even though there is only so much good you can do as one person with one mind.
As a child, (like you) I was brought in for counseling or correction. They would ask, "Why didn't you do your work?"
I would respond, "I don't know."
They would say, "You will be punished."
As a powerless angry child, I would cry. I would cry and cry and I didn't realize until much later that it was because of so much anger that I had. I just couldn't except that they were doing the right thing. I would object and there was nothing I could do or allowed to do except cry. I wasn't being allowed to be myself and I was being deprived of a really good education. (So many other people have had a much worse education.)
They would say, "You are smart and able to do the work and you didn't do it so you will be punished. If you don't respond to one punishment, you will have another punishment."
Somehow, I knew that it was just all wrong and I was very angry. I was being deprived of outings that other children had. I was already deprived of my parents who were working in the city while other children had their parents with them with extra time and extra privileges of not being restricted as I was in the dorm setting.
So I had less time to do my work, less help and encouragement and now I was being restricted in even more ways while other children ran free. I remember thinking that this is just wrong, very wrong.
They would say, "No, you are wrong and you are going to be punished even more."
There were subjects that I loved such as theology and science.
One teacher said, "You did not do well in other subjects so you will get a bad grade in Theology (Bible)." A teacher actually told me that. He was a "brilliant" person. He could speed read and he knew a lot of things and he didn't know how to motivate me. I always looked at people like that as being very shallow and hardly scratching the surface in their understanding.
I also had some very good teachers. I had great science teachers and I got the highest grades in science. (There is a connection there between great teachers and my performance.) I had an English teacher that took her own personal time out to tutor me in English grammar which helped me a lot, even to this day.
It wasn't until many years later that the school has finally admitted that the punishment they were giving me was child abuse. Sure, it is not the worse thing in the world but I could have been a much more successful student. I was actually rewarding my teachers according to how well they were doing!
*The point I am getting at is this.* You are doing great work. You are helping a lot of people and you might be missing something. It is pointless to succeed for the sake of success and you can't really succeed (as you probably already know) without telling the truth. There is an entire study of what truth is. It is called Theology.
Theology is actually the highest form of science. It is the study of everything that is. *The thing is* that only your Maker can cover for you Himself and remake you again, from the inside out, by the power of His true word as no one else ever can. I know that is a mouthful and every word of it is true. It takes years of learning, sometimes centuries of learning to come to that understanding.
*I hope the best for you and your quest for complete fulfillment.*
Thank you. Your videos a helping me so much.
An unhealthy dynamic of guilt was passed on to me in not family in what I've called "letting them off the hook" where as my father (for example) would behave badly, which I reacted to badly to then have the guilt of bad bahavior land and stay on me. It has carried on way into my adulthood, but I see it now. Guilt is like a hot potato
I disagree partly. Providing help and parenting people who need a helping hand is a healthy thing. But this requires a deep level of emotional and rational maturity. I get that you're discussing the negatives of overdoing unhealthy guilts.
Having a positive impact on people is difficult. We should encourage people to mature and achieve social integrity, self-discovery, self-realization and transcendence.
Thank you Daniel Mackler for sharing this and helping people. You're a great human being. :)
I remember when a woman told another woman the honest truth that this woman was fat. She said that she wanted the woman to be aware that she was fat and she said that she hoped the woman would lose weight. This same woman not only insulted the other woman but many other people by telling them things that people may not be able to change. This woman just likes to hurt people. So it is not always good to be so brutally honest at times unless you are doing it to hurt people like this woman who enjoys insulting people does.
7:00 Yeah
Thank YOU for existing 🍄
I had a therapist literally tell me I was choosing to feel what I'm feeling. As if it's something to choose for oneself. It's one to have people hurt you but be told your feelings are a matter of choice? choosing to slug someone is a choice. Feelings? No.
Thank you for the amazing video and explanations. I often feel unhealthy guilty, but now I realize it's people put it on me. My dog and I was attacked by a German Shepherd last week in a public area, when I went to confront the dog owner who let the dangerous dog run freely without leash or muzzle, he kind of blame me for not taking good care of my dog to avoid whichever public area that his dog may go. And after he believed what he said, he started making up a story that my dog attack his dog, and not even being thoughtful for his financial status or his dog's welfare. These people just sucks.
Thank you for not using the words evil and good but rather the words unhealthy and healthy. As healthy adults, we should care for our aging parents. We know them best.
I can only agree, with everything you say here! :)
Oh my god. How I wish I could have a conversation with you...
guilt vs shame.
Should the guilt ever go away?
I think about guilt sometimes. It seems to me, that children who were harshly punished have a much greater sense of guilt as adults. It's like they weren't taught that there's forgiveness and a release of guilt from the parents that punished them too severely. Then u try to learn that release from guilt& shame as an adult because guilt will really beat u up. I had to find this out by knowing God later in life. There's no condemnation for they that are in Christ; we're released from sin, shame, guilt when we repent. Some of us were beaten or berated far too much or far too harshly as kids when we missed the mark; there's also the fear of being punished that we learned as children, too. It's good to teach kids consequences- but parents can't go nuts. There's appropriate consequences & correction. There needs to be boundaries with some parents, for sure. There's also healthy fear & fear that is far too much. Just things I think of...
I think we need to be taught more about grace, but not take it for granted.
we need to become stronger as individuals
Daniel you don´t have to put "Former Therapist", we love you without needing any title.
Hi Daniel. A lot of what you share resonates, and I thank you for sharing. I am curious why you feel spirituality is weird? To me, what you are doing by connecting with your true self is an act of connecting with yourself spiritually. You healing your childhood traumas is connecting with the little boy (and may be the teenager) in you.
"Your true Self" - can someone, or you Daniel, explain or suggest a link to this topic? When I think of is there really a true Self or about the origin of the Self, I think of the influence of our surrounding while we grow up, mental capabilities of parents, friends, culture, the countries, human rights....... but what is really Ours is, are the boundaries and rights. Thanks
Looking smart today
Guilt is a social emotion evolved for navigating the social landscape (your fellow apes). That is its function, not to help you heal.
Just saying.
WHat can I do...that's exectly what I am facing but it feels like I don't have the power to change
Hi Daniel, I love your videos, but for this one, I did disagree with a certain thing you said. I think it is perfectly appropriate for a child to grow up and take care of the parent and it's also appropriate for a parent to want for the child to do so. It seems to me a natural responsibility in the relationship. Our parents took care of us when we were young, and it is only appropriate that we don't abandon them when they become old and senile.
But at the same time, the must be a healthy boundary between taking care of one's parents and living to take care of ones parents. The latter is a deep guilt and feeling of inadequacy instilled in a person by their parents and no matter what the person does, the parents are not grateful and do not appreciate the efforts of the child. This is why it's important to take care of one's parents, but also important to not be affected by what the parent is throwing at you. At the end of the day, if you are doing your best, that is enough of a consolation.
If we don't take care of our elders, they are left to languish in loneliness and despair in old homes and live out their infirmity and suffering and neglect. No one should have to go through that. Our parents, as they get older, become more like children. So it is important to treat them as such and have mercy on them the same way we have mercy on children.
I think that it is massively unfair for a neglectful parent to expect anything but neglect from their children. I'm reminded of something said on Quora; a woman had children at a young age, but the grandmother refused to get involved, saying "I already raised you, I won't be responsible for your burdens." And so the new mother knew not to rely on the grandmother, and cared for the children independently. Fast forward a couple decades. Now the grandmother complains that she's "lonely" and asks "how come I never get visited by my grandchildren?". The mother goes to her kids, and the kids say, "I don't wanna go to grandma's place, I DON'T KNOW her." Though bratty a response, the mother notes that the child isn't wrong in feeling a lack of connection to a grandmother who stonewalled them.
It is sucky to throw away the elderly, though I think there is a degree of "you reap what you sow" that comes into account; a shitty parent shouldn't be surprised when their adult kids feel like leaving. Nor should a dedicated parent be surprised when their kids ask them to move in with the family.
you can't have an access to your "true self" because there is no such thing as "true self". You are a product of environment, socialization, culture and so on but one your insight is right, we are a product of our family and dynamic between our parents. Problems between parents are imposed on us and when we are became conscious of that process we are progressing and developing more productive and functional personality. Functional for our own relations with partners and our family if we have one.
" You are a product of environment, socialization, culture and so " haha that's the proof you're not your true self
ok so who is really true self - white male with erection when seeing attractive topless woman on beach or some African tribe man without such hard time when seeing young attractive topless woman at place where topless girls are ordinary thing?
what does either of these have to do with being ur true self or not? Regardless I would argue both are, considering white men are naturally aroused by seeing boobs, whereas black men are more aroused by ass
lack of knowledge from field of anthropology produce such results as your statement. here is an example th-cam.com/video/bwdCA7fAEog/w-d-xo.html www.pinterest.com/pin/114349278019387949/?lp=true
My kura Studies done on sets of Twins that were adopted by two different families find amazing similarities between the twins, raised in completely different environments. So that would be their true self. Independent of their environment. I remember reading one such result of two boys and when talking to their mothers about their eating habits; one mother complained that she had such a hard time getting the boy to eat anything because he wanted to put cinnamon on everything. The other mother, however, said she had no trouble at all feeding her son, said that he was very willing to eat just about anything and try new foods, as long as he could put cinnamon on it.
So one aspect of the true self of this set of twins, separated at birth and adopted out to two different families, is that they liked cinnamon. Studies on older twins who grew up separately find they tend to choose the same occupations, choose the same kind of spouse, dress the same way, etc.
Isn't "unnecessary pain" too vague though? Sometimes it's healthy to inflict a weak-level or temporary pain for the sake of helping another avoid a stronger or longer-lasting pain.
I've been a bad man, Dan. I don't like it.
daniel do u have an opinion on so-called "healthy" narcissism? supposedly most people are this way where they feel entitled, are selfish and want to always feel special but are not generally pathological or abusive to others because of it, they still have empathy. do u think its a good thing for this to be normalized like it is? i personally dont but many psychologists feel its ok as long as people are not trying to destroy others because of their entitlement. i dont think encouraging selfishness and entitlement is ever a good thing. if we encouraged others to be unselfish as much as possible we would have a better world where people took care of eachother. not really realistic maybe for a very long time but who knows? the more conscious and spiritual people are encouraged to be the better. although most people need to adhere to these tenents not just a minority which is why being unselfish usually doesnt work
I guess to function normally you need a certain level of narcissism, if you don’t have any narcissism then you would not be able to feel good about accomplishments, and you would not be able to have boundaries for other people. Selfishness can be useful in certain situations, it can help you against abuse as well. But a healthy person doesn’t feel entitled to his/her peers, and doesn’t avoid their mistakes out of fear for shame.
Make more videos
oh, those fingers...!!
It’s like living in a gaslight. At least I’m the light.
If we go with this work on our trauma and find our true selves, will we find others who are authentic and create real friendships?
Yes yes yes yes yss yes
Not very clear about what you meant by "real self".
I think he generally means "unfiltered", yourself without affectation, yourself when you act on your deepest desire in a healthy way. I don't think it's something even he has really pinned down to an exact.
Clearly I came to this video after the Breaking With Your Parents one.
....glad I did.
Most people don’t hold ..anyone ..to any standards it seems, even if it ruins their life.
This video makes me feel better about being such a hard ass about not letting any of the toxic people I’ve known..know me anymore.
Who am j?
"Guilt is a sign of self love"? What? Tha's too far, logically.
#entitledbreeders
I personally think any form of guilt is unhealthy and unnatural
psychopathy is a trait that's within all humans, so also within you. When you put blame onto yourself, you're basically inviting others to fuck around with you. And after all , isn't it psychiatrists who invented the term psychopathy? And we all know they aren't basing themselves off science or 'objective truth'...
terence wow ur few sentences totally were more eye opening than this 11 minute well spoken video
I define "guilt" as self-notification when we do something that goes against our established psyche. When my computer has a crash and gives me an error message explaining the situation, I don't blame the error message; I fix the computer. Guilt is not meant to be stewed upon, nor ignored. It is meant to tell me when it's time to change/tweak my behavior to be more beneficial.
That aside, I'm actually really interested to know your take on the matter in more detail. I'm not here to disagree; I'm fascinated to hear more.
Sorry Daniel but I have carefully watched your videos and noticed that you end up blaming parents for adults problems. Do you personally think parents or other people as you call them should not be honored by thier sons and daughters, for rasing their children and caring for them since day one till they graduated from college. I wonder.
Honor thy mother and father ONLY if they are honorable.
The honoring is one sided which is from the parents to their children and that's it.They decided to have a family,it was their decision.It was and in most cases is a very selfish decision actually.So they decide for whoever reasons to have kids,to have a family.Why should i be thankful for my parents for giving me food and a roof? And i am talking only the basic stuff here.When you get abused emotionally and physically by your parents,do you really think you as a son should honor them and be thankful still because they feed you and let you live in their house? Are you expecting that if it was possible your car will be thankful to you for letting him be used by you? The only reason i find someone will intellectually believe that son's should be grateful to their parents is because of the guilt inflicted throughout their childhood by their own parents.