Being perceived as someone that is really open by others while fully knowing that you only share things that you already know how to contain and never sharing anything that feels truly vulnerable is such an isolating thing because people don't know that there's this whole hidden side. Being fearful avoidant it's a special kind of hell.
@@aprilshowman9539 no doubt about that especially if they aren’t doing the work to heal their attachment style! And even if they are it still takes a long time, a lot of communication and a lot of self awareness!
Just lost my best friend cause of this crap, but no one can understand how I could only share the things with them, because I seem open to others when I am actually not. This video was on the point with everything
This is so so so on point. Very affirming. I never knew how to put that in words but people find me very warm and “emotional” and im very comfortable talking about vulnerable things but it’s NEVER the stuff I’m still struggling with, it’s stuff I’ve already processed and overcome.
This is so real. And something I’ve only recently realized myself. I am seen as a highly empathetic, emotionally aware/intelligent, and I’ve always thought of myself as emotionally open and not really afraid to share deep experiences with people. But I realized I only do that with past experiences, things that might have deeply hurt me at one point but that I’ve moved forward from. When it comes to actually telling someone how I feel deep down, in the moment, I completely shut down. I keep it all hidden. I pretend I’m ok, I act as if I’m unbothered. To the point where I might even believe that something doesn’t bother me that definitely does. Strange how you can be so self aware and oblivious at the same time.
This is so real. And something I’ve only recently realized myself. I am seen as a highly empathetic, emotionally aware/intelligent, and I’ve always thought of myself as emotionally open and not really afraid to share deep experiences with people. But I realized I only do that with past experiences, things that might have deeply hurt me at one point but that I’ve moved forward from. When it comes to actually telling someone how I feel deep down, in the moment, I completely shut down. I keep it all hidden. I pretend I’m ok, I act as if I’m unbothered. To the point where I might even believe that something doesn’t bother me that definitely does. Strange how you can be so self aware and oblivious at the same time.
@@michaelmich00ofcourse we have to. Fearfull avoidants are so traumatised that we tent to go in unhealthy relationships secreficing our own needs and often we get mentally or physically abused and the chemical hormones and all the emotions are like a roalercoaster which makes us feel like we are in an addiction with the person so we need to get out of that even tho still feeling in love. Generally speaking if a relationship is just not going right you can better experience it and fall out of love while in it instead of cutting it of but don't underestimate how many get in very toxic dynamics even tho our contious mind tries to do everything right. And that's why we have to work on healing.. And also that is a very hard journey.
One of my biggest problems, is that I don't have any friend who can help me make a decision when I'm disorientated between my thoughts and feelings. All they ever say is "block him!" and blame EVERYTHING on the man. It doesn't help me whatsiever and has caused me to shut down even more.
Same. People with fearful-avoidant attachment style actually do not have many true friends. Actually, maybe not even one. Because we tend to avoid attachments or have difficulty to find people to intimately relate to. What you describe are not true friends, they are just people you know.
@purplecrystal2780 if that's true, I don't have any true friends at all. Not one. Personally, I believe they do this, because the people I'm friends with, are all insecure attachment styles themselves. So they don't recognise what 'normal' is supposed to look like
I've recently learned it's best to do some journaling and reflection on my own before I share thing about a partner with my friends. I can't trust my own emotions since I lean so fearful in them so it's a really great practice to write down what factually happened, what my fearful take on it is, and what a more forgiving/optimistic take on it. What would happen in the relationship with your best intentions in mind? It gets your rational brain working as opposed to just your fears and doubts
@@linamarie84as someone who found this video cutting very deep, I wasn’t actually aware of what was going through my head. All I knew was that I was terrified of being heartbroken and if I were to break up with my bf (now ex), it would be me ending things first. (I broke up with him around 3 times overall). I knew I loved him and respected him and I often felt inadequate and not good enough for him. Every time we were got to a certain time in the (very healthy) relationship, I would find an “ick”, after which I would spend hours on end searching for an answer as to how was I feeling, and come to a conclusion that I was losing feelings, only to find myself still being in love with him, 8 months after our breakup. FYI: I’m well aware I have hurt him deeply and I take responsibility for this, during the relationship I had no idea why I was feeling this way…
Lots of fearful avoidants also project their fears even if theyre not always the full picture and run away from doing the real communication work necessary for many relationships esp when there is true love there
I dated this guy for 2 months: I wanted to go slow but he pushed me to open up and be myself quickly; the day I told him I was ready to be my self and open up, he chose to break up and he said me he liked me but not enough, without giving me other explaination. He was crying, and hugged me really tight. I saw his pain. Now I understand that he was projecting on me his inability to open up, and therefore he was pushing my boundaries.
@@sofook3576 same shit here, was pushed and she wanted to know "everything deep down" then slow faded and discarded when she realised I actually had the capacity to be vulnerable. They don't have the bandwidth to handle emotions, yours or theirs.
@@Avoidantcoper So sorry for you, I fully understand how heartbreaking it is. Just keep in mind that it's not your fault and that you deserve more, sending you a big hug!
@@Avoidantcoper @sofook3576 Woah, living the same experience. I told him I was happy going slow as well and he wanted to progress the relationship forward. Then he wanted more vulnerability. Once I opened up to him he initially seemed happy about it, but then broke up with me a week later. Of course he provided me with a bunch of other avoidant key discard phrases…talk about ouch. 😂
@@sofook3576 thank you. No worries, its been some time and im all good. But avoidant psyche is really defunct. The topic remains fascinating to me cos their behaviour is the antithesis of human connection.
I broke up with my ex 6 months ago. At the point of making the decision I was certainly perceiving our relationship as a burden and a limit to experiencing other things in life. 2 weeks passed and I was already missing her and trying to find ways to get her back. 3-4-5 months passed and whenever I would get into a bit emotionally more anxious state I would immediately badly miss her. And this certainly switches around - sometimes I am like I am fully over her, don't miss her at all and sometimes I am like "she is so fucking attractive" "I miss her so much" "I really want the comfort which she was giving me". I am certainly not 100% over her. And at the same time I can see that she is actually doing better then before or at least claims that - even though she was the one behaving anxiously before we broke up. So yeah, I left while I was in love with her, I was just deactivated because of all of the pressure. For the last year I have been working hard to expand the number of people who I feel comfortable with asking for deep emotional support. But as you said, reaching deep down and showing those parts of myself which I am not comfortable with is hard.
@Joe Lyle I tried reaching back out to her and got rejected. Several times during several months. But after this long time I can also clearly consistently see that there are things which make us incompatible. Even though they are also kinda based on my insecurities - me feeling uncomfortable with her being ~10 years older than me.
@@lakotamm That simply means you need to work on yourself/your boundaries. Is her being 10 years older than you a hard boundary? Move on. If not, things can be worked out.
EVERY time I think “this video isn’t really about me but I’ll watch anyway because I know I’ll learn something “ -- its always about me. I don’t know if I can thank you enough Heidi Priebe. ❤
Wow... this is one of the most compassionate ways someone has described what it's like to be a fearful-avoidant. Usually, all I get is hate and judgment for being flaky, indecisive, hot and cold, chaotic, heartless, mean, etc... Used to make me feel very ashamed of myself because deep down all I really want is to be kind and compassionate to people. I'm learning to shed the shame now in my late 30's. It's so fricking hard. From what I understand, the best way out is to build a really healthy foundation of self-trust. Just got to keep on working at it!
I’m in my 30’s, single mom of 7 kids because of this. Only people I’m close to and vulnerable with is my children. Seriously! I’m gonna die alone I know it.
Hey guys, I've been putting in the work and enjoying a new found calm peace. It takes work for sure, but I realised the crucial part of fixing this is first having a secure relationship with yourself. Love yourself. Set boundaries with yourself and respect them. Build that self trust. Be confident. Once you truly love yourself and can provide for yourself, you are empowered and don't rely on others for their approval/validation/etc... and that sets you free to connect without fear... It's an amazing feeling!
I thought the same. Relatively new to attachment theory and discovering my FA has brought a lot of shame to my life. I'm now in my 50s, separated dad with a teen daughter. Very difficult to heal my wounds while also portraying security for my daughter.
FA ex would say she was breaking up basically every conflict, which traumatized me as an anxious person. She finally is serious this time. And acting as if she’s moved on in a week.. and thats why these videos are so important. It helped me step back and take it less personal! It’s very comforting to watch although i am figuring out what she touched on about not avoiding pain. Definitely a great video and i see comment after comment agreeing
I used to do all this. It comes across manipulative and cold. I was in so much pain and I did project that pain on to them which was not fair. They were also fearful avoidant and did the same so I never noticed it before. The whole time he was mirroring me back to me. I blamed him for so much when I was equally responsible 😢
This is what I did to my relationship over 30 years ago. You explained the deactivation when you’re still in love perfectly. I just broke down. I broke it off out of the blue. Nothing was wrong. We were having a great time. I was totally falling for him. The trigger, I now know, was him traveling to see me for a date, and he came to the house and met my family. It became real to me and I panicked about my seriously dysfunctional family, and my inadequacies, and ultimate rejection. I completely deactivated. This all happened completely unconsciously for me back then. I saw him at a gathering last year, and it all came up for me again. We did talk some a few months later, and he remembered something that I had completely blocked out. The date, where he met my family. This past year has been learning about my attachment style problems and reconnecting to my inner child and all my emotions, so I can heal. I’ve been alone most of my life. I would’ve married him.
I left Europe to go living abroad in Canada so I haven't got many relatives here. I've been alone for the most part of my life too which faded away some friendships naturally. Nowadays, I'm doing the same work on my end - "reconnecting to my inner child and all my emotions, so I can heal" that's my everyday personal work.
Holy cow, multiple times in this video where my jaw dropped because it was the first time anyone had ever put to words experiences i've had and feelings i've felt. Particularly when you mentioned the disgust response, I've experienced that with all of the (very few) partners I've had and could never understand why. To jump from fawning to literal disgust within seconds is an absolutely bizarre experience. It's also particularly relevant as last year, my ex abrubtly ended our relationship by telling me he had to move because of work/home reasons as well issues with his citizenship. At the time even though I was heartbroken, I was in the middle of a disgust response and that lead me to feel a sense of relief about our relationship ending. I don't know if I'd say it made the grieving process easier, but it definitely made it a bit shorter than my usual. Anyways, an entire year goes by and I haven't heard from him at all, I had actually had him blocked on all social media as after our relationship ended, at some point the narrative i told myself about the relationship and the break up turned into a villain/victim narrative with me being the victim. I get a text out of the blue from him about 2 weeks ago, it's the sweetest, kindest text I've ever recieved. he told me he misses me and thinks of me every day, he still loves me, he hopes im surrounded by people who love me and happy, it was genuinely so kind and didn't have any hint of romance or flirtiness to it at all, just mature kindness. but it suddenly brought back all my feelings of heartbreak and loss that i felt the day he told me he was leaving. I suddenly believed that I was still in love with him and started a limerance fantasy with him in my head where im fanatasizing about him coming back constantly. It's so hard to discern between what is true genuine emotion and what is just my attachment style acting up.
The internet always “anxious/ avoidant” making me think I’m anxious but I knew it wasn’t right. Your descriptions are crazy, you’re not annoying to listen to at all and have articulated what I go through as fearful avoidant. I’ve always said things like “I am everything and it’s opposite”; “I regret it all and I don’t regret any of it”; “I trust everyone and no one” (In the moment I trust, when I think about it after I don’t.” Thank you so much. This All makes so much sense. And you’re 10 signs you might be fearful avoidant. It all lines up - a couple points are defiantly subconscious and will take some acknowledgment. The yo-yo-ing is destabilising torture. Thank you
My ex avoidant said I was too demanding when I asked him at 6'4'' to reach something on a high shelf. When he stomped his feet like a child, I realised what a lost cause the relationship had become. Fair to say, I use a step now to reach whatever I need and I don't have a 6'4'' useless individual taking up space in MY home!
This is what happened to me when I lost my husband of 20 years. I had nowhere to turn for help or processing. I had to protect myself and my vulnerabilities from those around me. He was the one I leaned on in my life. His loss has been devastating.
What an amazing video!!! 😮 this just means that the FA who leave the relationship while still in love, never get over the relationship, even if they enter and exist a new relationship once in 5 or 10 years. If you havent gotten over the previous romantic relationship, you have just forgotten about it, while falling in love with a new person, which is actually a coping strategy in order to stay away from the deep unresolved pain from the first relationship! Its like loving the new person only because they offer that much of an effective distraction from true emotions and true emotional pain still present. Mind blowing 🎉
Seeing a lot of FAs in the comments talk about how hard it is for them to open up and be vulnerable with people because they never feel accepted, but I genuinely have no sympathy for FAs who WERE shown unconditional support and love from someone for YEARS or even DECADES, and still pushed that person away. That is so unbelievably cruel and it's playing a victim when the other person is the one who was ultimately hurt. This was my personal Hell for almost ten years with an FA. He could never show up for me in the same way, and he acted like a victim constantly despite me being his rock and him knowing I loved him so much.
I feel same, she just throwed me like piece of trash telling me she is victim of our relationship. That i ruined her. While I was trying my best to hold on while the relationship was a roller coaster with her. And I always been so nice to her. Then she activated an anxious me and I started to push on her. That deactivated her feelings and broke up with me.
@@imferrer Here for you. For me, exactly the same thing. Dumped out of the blue three days ago. Had the best and most profound relationship ever. But she triggered something in me that made me want confirmation. Before this, I was always secure. Now I see that I could always feel that she never fully allowed me and that I always felt that this could just happen. In doing so, she often acted as if I caused the problems: "you are jealous, you are looking for confirmation." EMDR now triggers her FA even more. We talked about this openly and we knew it was going to be an extra difficult time. Out of panic and for no good reason (it's just not going to work between us, you know that too and that her head is full), I got dumped. Now my life is a mess: Hoped that she would text me, do a bit of reflection and say sorry, but that didnt happen yet.
As a FA while my ex was also an avoidant… makes sense why this man still lives in my head rent free. He’s already tried to reach out to see me when he told me he got spooked for how things happened so fast… even tho I never even opened up to him due to many fears I have, & now I’m spooked about even getting into any relationship at this point.
All your fearful avoidant videos are brilliant Heidi, but this one is just incredibly helpful. Kinda makes me wanna cry when I think what a difference they would have made in my life 20, 10, or even 2 years ago. Your explanations are so clear and self-evidently true that they’ve given me the first enthusiastic hope that I’ve ever had that I might actually figure out how to have a non-torturous relationship before I die! So grateful 💔
As a dismissive avoidant my love life is like a cicada. Fall in love once every 5 years, get my heart broken, bury myself in the sand for a couple of years. Repeat.
I love how you speak to fearful avoidant attachment without shame. I feel so open to your message knowing I can put my guard down and listen to where this lands. Thank you for the guiding light into some confusing dark places with such Love ♥️🌞🎶
this is exactly me :'( I was raised by a father with NPD and a narcissistic mother. this is so pervasive in my life I can't even comprehend it. it has been my whole life since the beginning. thank you so much for bringing light to avoidant attachment style, you have truly opened up my eyes
I like the line of thinking where people say it is darkest before the dawn. You don't realize how far you've come in the journey, so you feel like it will go forever, but really because you are where you are, it really is almost over. The feeling that I'm working on it is taking me farther from the shore of my security, it makes me panic, but that is how I know I am healing. The absurdity in that panic is laughable now that I see it, but it makes me cry because that panic has ruined aspects of my life I didn't want to lose for all the world. But the sun does rise.
Exactly for me…I can’t believe how dead-on this is. I’m sad that the journey is such a long one and I’m where I am at 64 years old. Wish my younger self would have known this before I walked out (ran out) of a 15 year marriage where it turned out I was still in love, but deactivated. I’m ok, though afraid to be truly myself in recent relationships (all failed ones) but 14 years later, I still feel the grief of that major loss.
this has me in tears, because it explains everything between my ex and I. It was truly the most intensely passionate as well as toxic relationship i’ve ever experienced, on and off for almost three years. every single point you made described us, ALL of it.
I'm a recovering FA and have been on my healing journey for 4 years and this content is excellent. Well done. This was also terrific validation to why I've ended my recent relationship. I spent a year trying (as a much more secure person) trying to make it work with good boundaries, asking for what i needed, trying to communicate through conflict, etc. And the person whose also FA could not show up and was very volatile. I literally tried all my tools. It's nice to recognize the secure version of myself and i appreciate the validation in how i showed up and why this departure feels different. I was out of love when i left and that's very different then I've ever felt before. Thank you Heidi. Well done!🎉
wow! what a beautiful video. This description my partner but in a loving and supportive way. I see the beauty in my wife and am so grateful to have access to the wisdom like in this video to shine light. With this awareness can come change. I know her path will be difficult and all the other videos just say to walk away they are toxic but i can’t do that. I need to cultivate safety within myself and allow her time to grow into the beautiful woman i know she is capable and so deeply wanting to grow into. I love my wife and i will not give up on her.
Thank you for this content and the clear and compassionate way you articulate it from a feaful-avodant perspective which is often (I feel !) overlooked.
Thank you for explaining attachment theory in a practical manner! I am constantly triggered by your videos, but I take that as a good thing, it means there is something to learn (or re-learn) and in order to do that, I need to sit with some “uncomfortable” emotions. Here’s to working on ourselves and hoping we can be more securely attached every day. We all deserve to live in peace with ourselves and others.
@11:48 , yes. With my ex, I felt NOTHING for months after I broke up with him and then it all hit me like a tsunami 5 months later and i was devastated and reached out to him and we actually tried to be together again because my grief was so intense I 100% believed I made a mistake, and then after a month I called it off again bc nothing had changed. It took me about 4 years to really feel over it and then I entered another toxic relationship and a year later here we are, trying to leave that, terrified I’m going to deal with the despair and grief all over again. Thankfully I’ve been in an adult children of alcoholics group for a while now and I have them as a support system.
It feels like you've got some healing to do, instead of blaming the ex. Only a severe FA wants to rekindle and call it off again after a month. You just want the validation but not willing to do the struggles. FA's don't acknowledge the pain they cause, bc they have their brain 'protecting' them....
I know it’s really unhealthy to think this way, but this gives me hope. I was in the best relationship of my life and overnight she got cold and ghosted me. I’m having a hard time dealing with the loss and it feels like at the end the person I loved had just gone. I think about it all the time, and even after three months I still hold hope. Thank you for sharing.
Omg. I have never heard it put quite like this in a way i can digest it : insecure attachment styles are a way to avoid pain and pain is the pathway to healing. Wow. Thank you so much, Heidi ❤
This is probably the most accurate explanation about FAs, I’m anxious but you gave clarity about what the person who left me was going through. I wish him well but I’m not gonna go back to to him. I can’t save him I hope he can save himself I’m still working on myself to become secure and that is not be attracted to people with insecure attachment. Thank you for this. You’re the best
The more I’m learning the more I think my entire family is fearful avoidant. It makes it feel impossible to have a deep connection with anyone. People who open up to me too fast tend to freak me out and scare me off. I’ve found I have a slightly easier time building a little deeper connections with new people but I also just don’t have time and room in my life to go out and make new friends or meet people.
Heidi, I feel heard. I feel forgiving and compassionate towards myself, because I went through all the painful turmoil you explained - word for word. For anyone reading this, I cannot stress enough how "feeling the pain" is so helpful in taking the first step out and forward. Also, you are probably the first person to verbalize "breaking up while still being in love", atleast for me. This made me empathise with (and legitimise?) how difficult my heartbreak was for me. ♥♥
Wow! You named it. I left my relationship when I was still in love but could no longer tolerate the chaos and dysfunction . He had an AP attachment style and I’m FA. I didn’t set good boundaries and he didn’t respect them. It was a recipe for disaster.
I'm 50 now and I had my first relationship in my lifetime where I actually experienced love. I completely self destructed over why I had to break up with her a year ago (I felt utterly detached from myself). Thank you so so much for this guidance!
You are incredible. This is your gift. I so relate to all this. My 12 Step group for addiction has actually been helping with this. Your explanations make me aware of this. I like how there is no shame in this, and that there's hope to heal. All i know is I've done yoga and meditation, but have only seen results with the 12 Steps. Looks like they help heal attachment wounds, which i never would have guessed. Yet, at the same time, i am needing more help, and this is framing where i need to get conscious. Thank you
The first time I actually tried being more open with someone, they used me in a way that made my fearful avoidance so much worse. I then met someone that I clicked with so well but naturally I dipped and regretted it so bad. I tried reaching out a couple months later but the damage was done. It took me so long to get over what I did and I still think about them every now and then esp when I’m rather sad lol. I never knew these feelings were an actual thing until a couple months ago. It’s nice to know I’m not the only person like this.
So accurate. I watched this 9 months ago (i see my old comment) and I’m back again lol - leaving a relationship while I’m still in love is something I do constantly and it’s the absolute most painful thing. Now that I’m conscious of it, I try to wait until the love is gone, but staying is so utterly, excruciatingly painful when I’m not feeling secure in a relationship
Why don't you work on your secure attachment skills? Mindsight by Dan Siegel is a great resource. As is David Richo, can't remember title. Both are amazing books but especially for building skills around secure attachment
@@ENSO-wildsound thank you for the recommendations, I sincerely appreciate those and will check them out! I’ve been working on my attachment for about 1.5 years now (while I’m in a relationship). If i get into a relationship with someone who’s extremely avoidant, I still struggle
Heidi, this is earth-shatteringly eye-opening for me. I just wish my younger self had access to all this rich psychological content available today. I suffered so much alone on my fearful avoidant island not understanding a blessed thing about myself and my behavior. 😊
Bloody hell (pardon my French). Years of therapy and self analysis including some truly excellent somatic processing in the past two years, but this explanation was spot on. Hadn’t labelled myself “fearful avoidant” yet but this explains pretty much my entire relationship history. Haven’t been able to leave my neglectful marriage, even while I bonded with somebody else after separation who actually took care of me and ticked all the boxes. I just keep going back because of the acute disorientation and enmeshment Heidi speaks of. Wish me luck, good luck to all my fellow fearful avoidants and heartfelt thanks to Heidi!
I relate to this HARD. Now that I understand boundaries and that I had a huge aversion to conflict I'm wondering a bit what could have happened in my major partnerships in the past if I'd known to work on these things. Every time I've left a major relationship I've still loved the person very much. I put a lot of pressure on myself to not go back on that choice because I don't want to jerk the person around but I have definitely gone back at least once every time wondering if I could have worked it out with the person.
@@michaelmich00 Thank you. I'm the dumpee from the FA and this video is shattering to me. I spent 34 years having my reality and heart crushed by a narcissist husband, only to follow it up with the most wonderful, kind man who suffers from commitment phobia and ghosted me just as things were getting good. To hear that he has played virtual emotional ping pong and felt disgust towards me for things I didn't even really do is simply the most unfair, heartbreaking kind of rationalization I've ever heard of. Sheesh. I was just getting used to the idea that he was simply scared of being vulnerable. Never dawned on my I was being devalued in his mind for crap that isn't true.
It's not a romantic relationship that struggle with but my adult son. (We have no other relatives. ) However all the same dynamics are in play. We are both fearful avoidant and experts at playing the drama triangle. I'm working really hard to developed some health in this relationship. Having to look at my behaviour as a parent, see the damage, experience the pain and forgive myself then try to change and heal feelslike an agonising slow process. My therapist assures me I am moving mountains 😁. Thank you for your compassionate style and language of explaining my world to me. 🙏 In my healing journey I Ilisten to you rpodcasts 4 times a week and discuss with my therapist😇 As I grow and understand I model and talk about the things I am learning. I live in a small town and see the changes in me making change in my community all the way down under in NZ. Thank you Heidi.
The reason you are having these issues is because you have no family or support except in a 3rd party called a therapist. People need to realise how messed up society is. See the bigger picture. Your son had no siblings and obviously not a good Male role model.
Ughhhh this sounds just like me. I think I really blew my last relationship because I ended it abruptly after asking for space because I didn't know how to respond during a conflict, process the conversation and decide how to move forward. I feel like shit
Heyy can you please tell me after how much time did you felt initial relief after breakup and when did you start regretting? And did the other person go no contact or was still in contact?
The sense of ease that washes over me after listening to your FA videos is truly a gift, thank you for sharing this incredibly valuable information and lived experience in such a meaningful, sincere way. Having more understanding around the ricochet experience and why I sometimes don’t have access to feelings I know I’ve felt so deeply before relieves so much pressure and will help curb my propensity for self shaming. It’s been 10 months since my long term relationship ended and your insight is helping me make sense of why it’s felt wildly painful, confusing and exhausting. Thank you for offering these really helpful, constructive steps towards living a more securely attached life. I’m so so so grateful to you Heidi.
Heidi, you are seriously amazing. Really. I've been looking gor answers for years. I'm 32, been dating since I was 19, and have never had a long lasting relationship. I've been to therapy throughout those years, and am pretty aware of the pattern, but I've never heard anyone explain fearful avoidant as accurately and as in detail as you do while also giving the best advice. I know ther's still a long way to go, but your videos are giving me a lot of hope. Thank you so much❤
I'm now in the secure range, but still have strong FA tendencies and I very much related to this. I find you videos so thorough and informative! Makes perfect sense why certain people leave such a strong imprint on me after being deeply vulnerable with them. Thankfully I have a couple of other people in my life who truly, deeply know and love me. It's beautiful and I can't wait to form more close connections as I heal. I really appreciate insights from a former FA type who knows the struggle. And a fellow ENFP to boot. Your content has become quite the source of motivation and empowerment for me ❤ Love love love it! Sending gratitude.
INFP male in my 40s. Being misunderstood has been my reality for years and finding people who do accept me as I am has been unbelievably challenging. I seem to keep gravitating towards people who want to either fix me or save me. They basically wish I was more exciting and extroverted and also want to jump in and fight my battles for me when I face difficulties with others. I would admit it most likely is the very reserved and conservative energy that I emanate but in truth I really don't need saving or fixing and on the inside I am actually quite content with the person I am but it's still difficult when I become attached to people who are more about tolerance than acceptance.
On the positive side of things, they were in their own way likely trying to draw your attention to certain aspects of the relationship that required your participation as well. Relationships do not work very well when one partner is passive or thinks no changes are ever required from their side. People seem to miss that relationships benefit from both partners learning to be flexible, adapt, communicate, draw boundaries and resolve conflict.
Wow, this explains everything about a breakup that I can’t get over years later. I usually feel so hopeless about my attachment issues but this made me feel hopeful - thank you. (I just wish I could go back in time and employ all of these tools then!)
Had to pause mid video to just say how much I love your metaphors and analogies! I just discovered your channel today and I'm honestly in shock by how much everything is resonating with me. I've been dealing with some issues both within myself and with others that I haven't been able to figure out for years on end. Your videos have gotten the light bulb above my head to go off and now I can see where I'm going after being in the dark so long. Thank you so much Heidi, I really appreciate it.
This was incredibly accurate for me. Ive been aware of myself as a fearful avoidant and consciously doing a lot of healing work in the last few months and if i had seen this video a few months before I would have been BLOWN away and assumed you were talking about me specifically. This is so helpful, thank you so much! 💗
You do an excellent job of walking through these emotional mechanics. This was very helpful understanding my previous partner and building insight and compassion for their experience. Thank you.
Heidi, you are so brilliant explaining these ideas. It is uncanny that the past few videos have directly applied to me in the present moment, and each has helped me process my current situation. I have opened up to only two people (in 50 yrs). One passed away, and one recently betrayed me. Unfortunately, that person represented too many things, so yes, the loss feels magnified. Thankfully, I have an excellent therapist and your videos to help me process. You are a gift! Seriously, I have even journaled my reactions to your videos. They have really helped tremendously! ❤ I told my psychiatrist to watch them and she is going to use them as a resource for her patients. 😊
Ummmm this was the BEST explanation of this attachment and I’ve been around the block on my healing journey with this style! And so timely as I struggle to move on from a relationship that I know wasn’t serving my needs anyway. Thank you thank you!
Heidi. The way you present and talk about these subjects, I have no words for it. How you keep me concentrating until the end with the way my mind is at the moment. I've even made notes, putting things into practice. Found shadow work because of you. You have saved my sanity. I can't thank you enough ❤
Wow this helped me in so many ways. I tend to gas light myself a lot, it's exhausting being so back and forth. I really do want to change and heal this pattern from childhood. A month ago I went through my breakup, and I'm finding it hard to get over him. He was the person I have been the most vulnerable with, and I miss how he could emotionally regulate me. When he triggered me the only way I knew how to regulate myself was to go into a meltdown. It's truly exhausting staying this way. I did abruptly leave to, but he couldn't say he loved me back. That really broke me because I was still in love, so I ran before he could. He's a dismissive avoidant. I think why I didn't stay consistent with my boundaries was because I understood the avoidant side to things and I let a lot of shit slide that was straight up disrespectful. Anyways this insight helps.
Thanks for this video. I’ve been in love twice in my life and left while in love both times. First time I didn’t acknowledge that I was in love until 6 months after I left. 2nd time I realized about a week after I ended things. If I fall in love a third time I hope I’ll be able to acknowledge my feelings while still in the relationship. I went through therapy for a while to work through a lot of this and I have some more secure close friendships as well as peer support. But I guess it’ll be put to the test whenever I fall in love again 😅 fingers crossed it works out
Thank you Heidi! Every point felt so relevant and true, I pretty much sobbed (and laughed) throughout - our poor little brains trying to navigate all of this 🥹 the healing journey can feel fairly overwhelming, but I’m so glad it’s possible
Dear Heidi, I have been reading about trauma and healing for 8 years now (I'm 26). Self help has been a huge part of my life, mostly trying to find out in "what's wrong with me" and trying to heal myself in private - so I could finally go out into the world and be "like everyone else". I cannot thank you enough for bringing a whole other level of clarity and coherence to the emotional / relational area of my life. Your videos give me a concrete framework of the emotional landscape - and they enable me to take concrete steps towards healing. While most other sources on these topics are just wishy washy. Thank you for the gift you are bringing to the world, by combining your sharp intellect and logical intelligence with the world of emotion. You are helping me (and lots of people obviously) in a significant way. Best regards David
I feel this so strongly. People think they’ve gotten really close to me but I think they come to realize they never knew anything about me at all. In a weird way I never tell anything about me.
Very relatable. I always used to blame them for not wanting to get close when the reality is I never gave people the opportunity to. My heart was completely closed of so it was impossible to securely attach to anyone. I’ve only just developed deep friendships at 30 years old so there’s hope going forward I think.
Perfect description of my life/ world/ chaos. Pretty cool tips given at the end, will explore. Grateful that I’ve come in contact with this video & that it exists. Thank you!
You are the first psychologist who has struck me with every video I’ve watched. I’ve never donated before, but I’m crying right now because each of your videos is changing my perspective on myself and my relationship
I was the one that chose to end it in 2020 because I was going thru a mental health episode… 3 years later and I still regret it and am not over it, while he’s engaged to someone else. It didn’t help that we remained friends and saw each other regularly for the first 2 years. My brain cannot accept he’s not my family any more. Wish we had just communicated more… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust anyone again like that. Dating has just been painful despite lots of therapy. I miss my person…
Thanks! This was very enlightening. I was/am with a FA who, ended things suddenly when things were going great. Ended things but never went anywhere. I gave him space and he stayed around until he ended things again. Every time he gets too close, he convinces himself that we have nothing in common, or that I must be lying or cheating because how could I love him? He ended things for the 3rd time last month and this time, pushed me away, but didn't go anywhere. I remained calm, didn't really react, but gave him his space. When I try to explain that I understand why he does this, he won't listen. I just hope that one day he realizes that he deserves to be in a healthy relationship and does the work. I'd send him the vid link but, he wouldn't watch it.
Update: He left again and took the extra step. He started dating right away. I guess that's it. It's sad to me. He said he has to delete and block me because of the new girl and I told him, do what you have to do, and I hope you find your happiness. I'm crushed but I can't stay in this state. So I'm going to feel what I'm feeling, start picking up the pieces, and keep working on myself. I don't think I'll get over him so this space is what I need.
Thank you for explaining this in easy to comprehend terms. I have been on a roller coaster ride for the last 9 months with my GF still not sure exactly what her attachment style is but it’s at least a little clearer. Her on again off again behavior was exhausting and emotionally draining. Hated to see her go but I’m not therapist.
As a FA, I completely experienced #2. I asked him to move out. I’m now working on myself while we’re working on our relationship. He, not surprisingly, has issues with alcohol abuse, and I’m figuring out where my boundaries lie with that.
I've never before heard such an acurate description of how I behave in relationships :\ urgh. I'm now 47 and only truly beginning my attachment healing journey. Vulnerability is the scariest thing. I think because of this I've supressed myself so much over the years I no longer know who I am or what I want from life.
Heidi! From the deepest part parts of my heart I say THANK YOU! ❤ This one video gave me so much clarity as to why I was feeling so in and out with my most recent partner. Knowing I truly loved her, recognizing some distrust I had toward her revolving around finances and the amount of affection shown toward me. The toxic shame and unconscious pushing away I did based on differences in culture and physical appearances… I now see a large portion of the dysfunction in our relationship (on my side) has steered from my family enmeshment traumas and not knowing how to truly set boundaries for myself and the toxic shame of wanting to be my own individual with my own preferences but it being shut down by my caretakers both overtly and subtly. I love your videos even though they can be tough pills to swallow at times; but, they help those of us who need to see the unseen dark spots of our own psyche. Much love and success to yo!🌹 Looking forward to seeing the video on enmeshment in romantic relationships 🙂
I watched dozens and dozens of other videos, trying to understand these attachment styles, and understand what it all means and you’re the only person so far that’s been able to spell it out and make me get it. Edit: I just found this comment that I left within the last 4 months. I find it very interesting that TH-cam lists the original comment was left nine months ago. I didn’t even know my ex girlfriend 9 months ago!
Thank you so much for this. For many years, I have suffered because I had not really understood the reason behind why I do what I do and feel what I feel. I had given up hope on myself and had suicidal ideations. This video alone has made understanding myself easier. You have a way of presenting the fearful-avoidant attachment style that is easily understood. I just hope that I would be able to hear actual stories so that I can compare it with my own. I still feel hopeless and like I'll never be in a satisfying relationship - heck, even my work is affected - but I guess the first step is being aware and wanting to change. I wish I had the money to go through therapy, but because I don't, I hope that facing and dealing with this by myself is the next best thing.
Your videos make real sometimes divorced psychological concepts. I feel like a ton of hurt people out there have never learned attachment theory or self analyzed with it. You've helped me more than you know
12:00 activation after breakup happened 10 years later. My love in youth, first love, longest relationship. Devastating. In one day It all came back, all the feelings, started processing and grieving the relationship only then. So hectic.
Wow! Simply amazed by how much you can express the way we are feeling things in a way that is way more organized than our thoughts. I'm feeling so undertood and happy to clarify the events. This wasn't simply "another video", that was a huge lesson! Thanks a lot for sharing those points of view.
can you imagine the confusion trying to figure out what the right story is after a psychologically abusive relationship? distressing for anyone, but mindblowingly so for an FA.
Watching this video again and looking back at this attachment healing journey I’ve been on for the past 2-3 years, it feels so good to see how far I’ve come. Thank you truly for your help Heidi ❤️
This was so helpful. I experience a sense of disgust or being turned off in terms of attraction, but didn’t recognize disgust as a deactivation strategy
AGHH!! amazing. crying a lot, don’t have the words, just mind blowing. I watch your videos on this topic every now and then, and they hit, but sometimes, like now, they hit REALLY HARD. It is what I need to hear, I feel courage, and throughout this video I’ve felt a reconnection with my real pain, leaving the various narratives I came into this video with behind me for now. I’ve been in a very deactivated state for a few weeks now, and considering leaving my relationship, secretly already knowing I’ll regret it and miss her if I do. Feeling incredibly stuck. With these harsh structures in my mind, I’m not easily convinced, but I have again and am leaving this video with a little more hope.
11:30 This. Precisely what happened with my 8-year relationship. Luckily for him, he found somebody more stable, grounded, and professionally together. Unfortunately for us, we both waited way too long to seek individual and couple counseling, not to mention all my undiagnosed psych issues. Addressing attachment style and identifying specific traits I need to accept rather than continue banging my head against a wall to change: these are my present psych projects.
Just watching this video makes me feel already more secure, simply through knowing of a map to security which is the courage to experience and accept emotions as they happen in real time. That ability would change so many areas of my life, friendships, business and romance. Listened to your book on INFP also. Your videos make me feel like I am meeting and discovering myself anew for the first time quite a lot. Thank you for for your perseverance on this Path, It has enlightened mine. 🙏
Oh my goodness I did this exact same thing word for word, ended my relationship whilst still in love. I mean the whole processI DID IT, the regret everything. I’m still struggling to get over it’s almost 6months now. Thanks you breaking it down. You’re the first I’ve heard discuss this attachment style. 🤗🤗🤗
Ive not experienced the disgust response thougj i know what you are talking about. Its not disgust for me. Its feeling overburdened like there is no way i can provide for the needs that this person is asking me for. Its more like helpless despair and just detaching because i know i cant do it.
Thank you! This video is so comforting and informative and helpful. To have a starting point for beginning healing and integrating and sitting with the pain is a light in a very dark room. I literally take 5 years between breaking up and starting something new. Everything you touch on is my life and my attachment history. While at first it felt so devastating to realize how broken and disorganized I am emotionally , the comfort of not being alone is settling in. You sharing your own journey is so helpful, and reading the comments, feels like we are a little tribe of warriors. Super grateful that you are here helping all of us. I am starting to feel like I don’t have to isolate myself from love to stop feeling like I am drowning or inside a body on fire. 🙏🏿
This is the third time i watch this video. I think this is the norm for me. Almost all my relationships ended when i still had feelings for the person. But the relationship was either toxic or so full of problems that we simply could not go on. Now i have a normal relationship with a secure person and I feel like i could stay with him forever, i could marry him... and I'm afraid about him leaving me or stopping loving me. That scares me way more than problems cause if it ends because of problems, then it's not my fault, then it's not me being unlovable. I think I chose the most difficult situations (people with alcohol/drug issues, people with severe mental illness) to protect myself from this... I chose relationships that were doomed from the beginning because I was so afraid to discover that i was unlovable, that i wanted to have another reason to get out
💔 Reason 2 is exactly what happened to me, and I’m still trying to let go of a person for 5 years now (for the first 3 years post-breakup it didn’t even register to me I was still in love! 😅 and her being a DA is not helping, as I can’t even understand if there is any point in trying, so that September video could’ve been helpful). As long as the healing journey has been so far, I clearly still have no idea of what is ok to ask for and what is ok to be mad about, and that fawn response is so strong and the guilt is so crushing, that I’d rather not even get mad or slip at all. Which is at the end of the day even more unhealthy as I bottle everything up, even though subconsciously, and that’s the opposite of working on boundaries that got me there in the first place. And yet I’m trying so hard to do it differently with every conscious little step I can take. Will I ever get over that? …I guess I’ll have to keep watching to find out. Both the video and the movie of my life.
I dated a fearful avoidant and thought she was so open to me. But in reality, she was keeping parts of her thoughts hidden from me. Those thoughts brewed into resentment for me, she deactivated, resulting in a breakup which to me came out of nowhere. If you are a fearful avoidant, please work to share your needs so your partner can fulfill them, before it’s too late.
Being perceived as someone that is really open by others while fully knowing that you only share things that you already know how to contain and never sharing anything that feels truly vulnerable is such an isolating thing because people don't know that there's this whole hidden side. Being fearful avoidant it's a special kind of hell.
And loving someone who is a fa is a special kind of hell as well. 😢
@@aprilshowman9539 no doubt about that especially if they aren’t doing the work to heal their attachment style! And even if they are it still takes a long time, a lot of communication and a lot of self awareness!
Thank you for this comment, I feel this in my soul. Trying to do a lot of healing work these days
Fr
Just lost my best friend cause of this crap, but no one can understand how I could only share the things with them, because I seem open to others when I am actually not. This video was on the point with everything
This is so so so on point. Very affirming. I never knew how to put that in words but people find me very warm and “emotional” and im very comfortable talking about vulnerable things but it’s NEVER the stuff I’m still struggling with, it’s stuff I’ve already processed and overcome.
Can I share with you something?
This is so real. And something I’ve only recently realized myself. I am seen as a highly empathetic, emotionally aware/intelligent, and I’ve always thought of myself as emotionally open and not really afraid to share deep experiences with people. But I realized I only do that with past experiences, things that might have deeply hurt me at one point but that I’ve moved forward from. When it comes to actually telling someone how I feel deep down, in the moment, I completely shut down. I keep it all hidden. I pretend I’m ok, I act as if I’m unbothered. To the point where I might even believe that something doesn’t bother me that definitely does. Strange how you can be so self aware and oblivious at the same time.
This is so real. And something I’ve only recently realized myself. I am seen as a highly empathetic, emotionally aware/intelligent, and I’ve always thought of myself as emotionally open and not really afraid to share deep experiences with people. But I realized I only do that with past experiences, things that might have deeply hurt me at one point but that I’ve moved forward from. When it comes to actually telling someone how I feel deep down, in the moment, I completely shut down. I keep it all hidden. I pretend I’m ok, I act as if I’m unbothered. To the point where I might even believe that something doesn’t bother me that definitely does. Strange how you can be so self aware and oblivious at the same time.
Same
well i just learned something about myself
The part about leaving while still in love and then struggling to scrape myself off the proverbial bathroom floor, hit home really hard.
Dont leave while u are in love. There will be 1000 reasons to leave even in a good relationship, thats not how love works
You can be in love with someone and they still not be what you need
Same.
@@michaelmich00ofcourse we have to. Fearfull avoidants are so traumatised that we tent to go in unhealthy relationships secreficing our own needs and often we get mentally or physically abused and the chemical hormones and all the emotions are like a roalercoaster which makes us feel like we are in an addiction with the person so we need to get out of that even tho still feeling in love. Generally speaking if a relationship is just not going right you can better experience it and fall out of love while in it instead of cutting it of but don't underestimate how many get in very toxic dynamics even tho our contious mind tries to do everything right. And that's why we have to work on healing.. And also that is a very hard journey.
One of my biggest problems, is that I don't have any friend who can help me make a decision when I'm disorientated between my thoughts and feelings. All they ever say is "block him!" and blame EVERYTHING on the man. It doesn't help me whatsiever and has caused me to shut down even more.
Same. People with fearful-avoidant attachment style actually do not have many true friends. Actually, maybe not even one. Because we tend to avoid attachments or have difficulty to find people to intimately relate to. What you describe are not true friends, they are just people you know.
@purplecrystal2780 if that's true, I don't have any true friends at all. Not one. Personally, I believe they do this, because the people I'm friends with, are all insecure attachment styles themselves. So they don't recognise what 'normal' is supposed to look like
@@whiggygirl both could be true. It is up to you to find out. Good look with your self healing journey.
I tried my best to keep my friends happy. But now I don’t feel the need to have true friends anymore. I found true friendships in my sister.
I've recently learned it's best to do some journaling and reflection on my own before I share thing about a partner with my friends. I can't trust my own emotions since I lean so fearful in them so it's a really great practice to write down what factually happened, what my fearful take on it is, and what a more forgiving/optimistic take on it. What would happen in the relationship with your best intentions in mind? It gets your rational brain working as opposed to just your fears and doubts
Not "leaving while you're in love" is a game-changer for me. Thank you.
Its sad, they do it and dont even know why so they come up with 1000 reasons to leave. While they just are triggered and want to be loved
@@michaelmich00they are scared
What does that even mean? I am confused. Can you explain?
@@linamarie84as someone who found this video cutting very deep, I wasn’t actually aware of what was going through my head. All I knew was that I was terrified of being heartbroken and if I were to break up with my bf (now ex), it would be me ending things first. (I broke up with him around 3 times overall). I knew I loved him and respected him and I often felt inadequate and not good enough for him. Every time we were got to a certain time in the (very healthy) relationship, I would find an “ick”, after which I would spend hours on end searching for an answer as to how was I feeling, and come to a conclusion that I was losing feelings, only to find myself still being in love with him, 8 months after our breakup.
FYI: I’m well aware I have hurt him deeply and I take responsibility for this, during the relationship I had no idea why I was feeling this way…
7 months later and I’m just like still as empty as I was the day it happened. Give me closure!!!
Lots of fearful avoidants also project their fears even if theyre not always the full picture and run away from doing the real communication work necessary for many relationships esp when there is true love there
I dated this guy for 2 months: I wanted to go slow but he pushed me to open up and be myself quickly; the day I told him I was ready to be my self and open up, he chose to break up and he said me he liked me but not enough, without giving me other explaination. He was crying, and hugged me really tight. I saw his pain.
Now I understand that he was projecting on me his inability to open up, and therefore he was pushing my boundaries.
@@sofook3576 same shit here, was pushed and she wanted to know "everything deep down" then slow faded and discarded when she realised I actually had the capacity to be vulnerable. They don't have the bandwidth to handle emotions, yours or theirs.
@@Avoidantcoper So sorry for you, I fully understand how heartbreaking it is. Just keep in mind that it's not your fault and that you deserve more, sending you a big hug!
@@Avoidantcoper @sofook3576 Woah, living the same experience. I told him I was happy going slow as well and he wanted to progress the relationship forward. Then he wanted more vulnerability. Once I opened up to him he initially seemed happy about it, but then broke up with me a week later. Of course he provided me with a bunch of other avoidant key discard phrases…talk about ouch. 😂
@@sofook3576 thank you. No worries, its been some time and im all good. But avoidant psyche is really defunct. The topic remains fascinating to me cos their behaviour is the antithesis of human connection.
I broke up with my ex 6 months ago. At the point of making the decision I was certainly perceiving our relationship as a burden and a limit to experiencing other things in life. 2 weeks passed and I was already missing her and trying to find ways to get her back. 3-4-5 months passed and whenever I would get into a bit emotionally more anxious state I would immediately badly miss her. And this certainly switches around - sometimes I am like I am fully over her, don't miss her at all and sometimes I am like "she is so fucking attractive" "I miss her so much" "I really want the comfort which she was giving me".
I am certainly not 100% over her. And at the same time I can see that she is actually doing better then before or at least claims that - even though she was the one behaving anxiously before we broke up. So yeah, I left while I was in love with her, I was just deactivated because of all of the pressure.
For the last year I have been working hard to expand the number of people who I feel comfortable with asking for deep emotional support. But as you said, reaching deep down and showing those parts of myself which I am not comfortable with is hard.
Why did you never reach back out? Experiencing something like this now
Thank you for sharing with the group.
Please help yourself to the the tea and coffee making facilities!
@Joe Lyle I tried reaching back out to her and got rejected. Several times during several months. But after this long time I can also clearly consistently see that there are things which make us incompatible. Even though they are also kinda based on my insecurities - me feeling uncomfortable with her being ~10 years older than me.
@@lakotamm That simply means you need to work on yourself/your boundaries. Is her being 10 years older than you a hard boundary? Move on. If not, things can be worked out.
@@lakotamm sorry to hear that. Sounds like you learned a lot about yourself though
EVERY time I think “this video isn’t really about me but I’ll watch anyway because I know I’ll learn something “ -- its always about me.
I don’t know if I can thank you enough Heidi Priebe. ❤
Exactly what i did too 😂
Same
Lmao same😂
This is the best video on FAs that I’ve seen on TH-cam, and I’ve watched literally hundreds of them. Thank you, Heidi.
Wow... this is one of the most compassionate ways someone has described what it's like to be a fearful-avoidant. Usually, all I get is hate and judgment for being flaky, indecisive, hot and cold, chaotic, heartless, mean, etc... Used to make me feel very ashamed of myself because deep down all I really want is to be kind and compassionate to people. I'm learning to shed the shame now in my late 30's. It's so fricking hard. From what I understand, the best way out is to build a really healthy foundation of self-trust. Just got to keep on working at it!
I'm just starting the healing at 30 too :D No shame, we all start somewhere
I’m in my 30’s, single mom of 7 kids because of this. Only people I’m close to and vulnerable with is my children. Seriously! I’m gonna die alone I know it.
Same here!!
Hey guys, I've been putting in the work and enjoying a new found calm peace. It takes work for sure, but I realised the crucial part of fixing this is first having a secure relationship with yourself. Love yourself. Set boundaries with yourself and respect them. Build that self trust. Be confident. Once you truly love yourself and can provide for yourself, you are empowered and don't rely on others for their approval/validation/etc... and that sets you free to connect without fear... It's an amazing feeling!
I thought the same. Relatively new to attachment theory and discovering my FA has brought a lot of shame to my life. I'm now in my 50s, separated dad with a teen daughter. Very difficult to heal my wounds while also portraying security for my daughter.
FA ex would say she was breaking up basically every conflict, which traumatized me as an anxious person. She finally is serious this time. And acting as if she’s moved on in a week.. and thats why these videos are so important. It helped me step back and take it less personal! It’s very comforting to watch although i am figuring out what she touched on about not avoiding pain. Definitely a great video and i see comment after comment agreeing
I used to do all this. It comes across manipulative and cold. I was in so much pain and I did project that pain on to them which was not fair. They were also fearful avoidant and did the same so I never noticed it before. The whole time he was mirroring me back to me. I blamed him for so much when I was equally responsible 😢
This is what I did to my relationship over 30 years ago. You explained the deactivation when you’re still in love perfectly. I just broke down.
I broke it off out of the blue. Nothing was wrong. We were having a great time. I was totally falling for him. The trigger, I now know, was him traveling to see me for a date, and he came to the house and met my family. It became real to me and I panicked about my seriously dysfunctional family, and my inadequacies, and ultimate rejection. I completely deactivated. This all happened completely unconsciously for me back then. I saw him at a gathering last year, and it all came up for me again. We did talk some a few months later, and he remembered something that I had completely blocked out. The date, where he met my family.
This past year has been learning about my attachment style problems and reconnecting to my inner child and all my emotions, so I can heal.
I’ve been alone most of my life.
I would’ve married him.
I left Europe to go living abroad in Canada so I haven't got many relatives here. I've been alone for the most part of my life too which faded away some friendships naturally. Nowadays, I'm doing the same work on my end - "reconnecting to my inner child and all my emotions, so I can heal" that's my everyday personal work.
This is a bit heartbreaking 😥
I am afraid I did that to myself …
The shame we carry...
Holy cow, multiple times in this video where my jaw dropped because it was the first time anyone had ever put to words experiences i've had and feelings i've felt. Particularly when you mentioned the disgust response, I've experienced that with all of the (very few) partners I've had and could never understand why. To jump from fawning to literal disgust within seconds is an absolutely bizarre experience.
It's also particularly relevant as last year, my ex abrubtly ended our relationship by telling me he had to move because of work/home reasons as well issues with his citizenship. At the time even though I was heartbroken, I was in the middle of a disgust response and that lead me to feel a sense of relief about our relationship ending. I don't know if I'd say it made the grieving process easier, but it definitely made it a bit shorter than my usual. Anyways, an entire year goes by and I haven't heard from him at all, I had actually had him blocked on all social media as after our relationship ended, at some point the narrative i told myself about the relationship and the break up turned into a villain/victim narrative with me being the victim. I get a text out of the blue from him about 2 weeks ago, it's the sweetest, kindest text I've ever recieved. he told me he misses me and thinks of me every day, he still loves me, he hopes im surrounded by people who love me and happy, it was genuinely so kind and didn't have any hint of romance or flirtiness to it at all, just mature kindness. but it suddenly brought back all my feelings of heartbreak and loss that i felt the day he told me he was leaving. I suddenly believed that I was still in love with him and started a limerance fantasy with him in my head where im fanatasizing about him coming back constantly. It's so hard to discern between what is true genuine emotion and what is just my attachment style acting up.
Think that's what happened to me but I was on the wrong
I totally relate to this 100%!!!
We can heal!!❤
How do we heal
@@jeffwhite2872 abusing substances
that sounds like a rollercoster of feelings!
The internet always “anxious/ avoidant” making me think I’m anxious but I knew it wasn’t right. Your descriptions are crazy, you’re not annoying to listen to at all and have articulated what I go through as fearful avoidant. I’ve always said things like “I am everything and it’s opposite”; “I regret it all and I don’t regret any of it”; “I trust everyone and no one” (In the moment I trust, when I think about it after I don’t.”
Thank you so much. This All makes so much sense. And you’re 10 signs you might be fearful avoidant. It all lines up - a couple points are defiantly subconscious and will take some acknowledgment. The yo-yo-ing is destabilising torture. Thank you
My ex avoidant said I was too demanding when I asked him at 6'4'' to reach something on a high shelf. When he stomped his feet like a child, I realised what a lost cause the relationship had become. Fair to say, I use a step now to reach whatever I need and I don't have a 6'4'' useless individual taking up space in MY home!
People are not avoident by choice. It's from issues in childhood with parenting.
@@vapeking466 Right. Not their fault, but their responsibility to rectify.
😂 good for you
This is what happened to me when I lost my husband of 20 years. I had nowhere to turn for help or processing. I had to protect myself and my vulnerabilities from those around me. He was the one I leaned on in my life. His loss has been devastating.
My condolences. Have you created a community around you since his passing?
I would.
What an amazing video!!! 😮 this just means that the FA who leave the relationship while still in love, never get over the relationship, even if they enter and exist a new relationship once in 5 or 10 years. If you havent gotten over the previous romantic relationship, you have just forgotten about it, while falling in love with a new person, which is actually a coping strategy in order to stay away from the deep unresolved pain from the first relationship! Its like loving the new person only because they offer that much of an effective distraction from true emotions and true emotional pain still present. Mind blowing 🎉
Seeing a lot of FAs in the comments talk about how hard it is for them to open up and be vulnerable with people because they never feel accepted, but I genuinely have no sympathy for FAs who WERE shown unconditional support and love from someone for YEARS or even DECADES, and still pushed that person away. That is so unbelievably cruel and it's playing a victim when the other person is the one who was ultimately hurt. This was my personal Hell for almost ten years with an FA. He could never show up for me in the same way, and he acted like a victim constantly despite me being his rock and him knowing I loved him so much.
I feel same, she just throwed me like piece of trash telling me she is victim of our relationship. That i ruined her. While I was trying my best to hold on while the relationship was a roller coaster with her. And I always been so nice to her. Then she activated an anxious me and I started to push on her. That deactivated her feelings and broke up with me.
@@prashanthireddy2333This!
@@imferrer Here for you. For me, exactly the same thing. Dumped out of the blue three days ago. Had the best and most profound relationship ever. But she triggered something in me that made me want confirmation. Before this, I was always secure. Now I see that I could always feel that she never fully allowed me and that I always felt that this could just happen. In doing so, she often acted as if I caused the problems: "you are jealous, you are looking for confirmation."
EMDR now triggers her FA even more. We talked about this openly and we knew it was going to be an extra difficult time. Out of panic and for no good reason (it's just not going to work between us, you know that too and that her head is full), I got dumped. Now my life is a mess:
Hoped that she would text me, do a bit of reflection and say sorry, but that didnt happen yet.
As a FA while my ex was also an avoidant… makes sense why this man still lives in my head rent free. He’s already tried to reach out to see me when he told me he got spooked for how things happened so fast… even tho I never even opened up to him due to many fears I have, & now I’m spooked about even getting into any relationship at this point.
All your fearful avoidant videos are brilliant Heidi, but this one is just incredibly helpful. Kinda makes me wanna cry when I think what a difference they would have made in my life 20, 10, or even 2 years ago. Your explanations are so clear and self-evidently true that they’ve given me the first enthusiastic hope that I’ve ever had that I might actually figure out how to have a non-torturous relationship before I die! So grateful 💔
As a dismissive avoidant my love life is like a cicada. Fall in love once every 5 years, get my heart broken, bury myself in the sand for a couple of years. Repeat.
If there is a pattern, then there are likely things you could do to change the pattern. Working on myself helped me a lot in that department ^_^
Yup
Doesn't sound like DA
I love how you speak to fearful avoidant attachment without shame. I feel so open to your message knowing I can put my guard down and listen to where this lands. Thank you for the guiding light into some confusing dark places with such Love ♥️🌞🎶
this is exactly me :'( I was raised by a father with NPD and a narcissistic mother. this is so pervasive in my life I can't even comprehend it. it has been my whole life since the beginning. thank you so much for bringing light to avoidant attachment style, you have truly opened up my eyes
I like the line of thinking where people say it is darkest before the dawn. You don't realize how far you've come in the journey, so you feel like it will go forever, but really because you are where you are, it really is almost over. The feeling that I'm working on it is taking me farther from the shore of my security, it makes me panic, but that is how I know I am healing. The absurdity in that panic is laughable now that I see it, but it makes me cry because that panic has ruined aspects of my life I didn't want to lose for all the world. But the sun does rise.
Beautifully put, perfect in fact.
I love how you wrote this. So true & poetic. Screenshot it for the reminder. "But the sun does rise" ❤
Exactly for me…I can’t believe how dead-on this is. I’m sad that the journey is such a long one and I’m where I am at 64 years old. Wish my younger self would have known this before I walked out (ran out) of a 15 year marriage where it turned out I was still in love, but deactivated. I’m ok, though afraid to be truly myself in recent relationships (all failed ones) but 14 years later, I still feel the grief of that major loss.
TIL I'm a fearful avoidant. I felt so understood. You did a great job of explaining, Heidi. You have a gift.
Right??!!
Totally agree!
She did such a brilliant job! I’m shooketh.
Yep! Such valuable vidéos. No fillers, it's all gold.
Agree with all of that.
this has me in tears, because it explains everything between my ex and I. It was truly the most intensely passionate as well as toxic relationship i’ve ever experienced, on and off for almost three years. every single point you made described us, ALL of it.
I'm a recovering FA and have been on my healing journey for 4 years and this content is excellent. Well done. This was also terrific validation to why I've ended my recent relationship. I spent a year trying (as a much more secure person) trying to make it work with good boundaries, asking for what i needed, trying to communicate through conflict, etc. And the person whose also FA could not show up and was very volatile. I literally tried all my tools. It's nice to recognize the secure version of myself and i appreciate the validation in how i showed up and why this departure feels different. I was out of love when i left and that's very different then I've ever felt before. Thank you Heidi. Well done!🎉
You are apparently a step ahead of me on this journey. Your comment is a beacon for others to follow.
It's refreshing to read someone who's far along the healing journey, I'm happy for you!
wow! what a beautiful video. This description my partner but in a loving and supportive way. I see the beauty in my wife and am so grateful to have access to the wisdom like in this video to shine light. With this awareness can come change. I know her path will be difficult and all the other videos just say to walk away they are toxic but i can’t do that. I need to cultivate safety within myself and allow her time to grow into the beautiful woman i know she is capable and so deeply wanting to grow into. I love my wife and i will not give up on her.
It's not wise to base your life on theories
Theories only study microscopic instances
Life is bigger than attachment theory
And it will work, but only if she is willing to do the work as well.
So sweet for me to read. Thank you.
Thank you for this content and the clear and compassionate way you articulate it from a feaful-avodant perspective which is often (I feel !) overlooked.
Thank you for explaining attachment theory in a practical manner! I am constantly triggered by your videos, but I take that as a good thing, it means there is something to learn (or re-learn) and in order to do that, I need to sit with some “uncomfortable” emotions. Here’s to working on ourselves and hoping we can be more securely attached every day. We all deserve to live in peace with ourselves and others.
In a way, I look forward to my triggers when I watch these types of videos. So much growth in them.
😢🥺💗
@11:48 , yes. With my ex, I felt NOTHING for months after I broke up with him and then it all hit me like a tsunami 5 months later and i was devastated and reached out to him and we actually tried to be together again because my grief was so intense I 100% believed I made a mistake, and then after a month I called it off again bc nothing had changed. It took me about 4 years to really feel over it and then I entered another toxic relationship and a year later here we are, trying to leave that, terrified I’m going to deal with the despair and grief all over again. Thankfully I’ve been in an adult children of alcoholics group for a while now and I have them as a support system.
Are you capricorn rising?
Sounds like limerence
Always a women saying it was toxic. 😂😂😂
It feels like you've got some healing to do, instead of blaming the ex. Only a severe FA wants to rekindle and call it off again after a month. You just want the validation but not willing to do the struggles. FA's don't acknowledge the pain they cause, bc they have their brain 'protecting' them....
I know it’s really unhealthy to think this way, but this gives me hope. I was in the best relationship of my life and overnight she got cold and ghosted me. I’m having a hard time dealing with the loss and it feels like at the end the person I loved had just gone. I think about it all the time, and even after three months I still hold hope. Thank you for sharing.
Omg. I have never heard it put quite like this in a way i can digest it : insecure attachment styles are a way to avoid pain and pain is the pathway to healing. Wow.
Thank you so much, Heidi ❤
This is probably the most accurate explanation about FAs, I’m anxious but you gave clarity about what the person who left me was going through. I wish him well but I’m not gonna go back to to him. I can’t save him I hope he can save himself I’m still working on myself to become secure and that is not be attracted to people with insecure attachment. Thank you for this. You’re the best
Has he ever tried to reach out to you?
I CANNOT explain how MUCH I needed this video today. It doesn’t solve much but I have never felt more understood
The more I’m learning the more I think my entire family is fearful avoidant. It makes it feel impossible to have a deep connection with anyone. People who open up to me too fast tend to freak me out and scare me off. I’ve found I have a slightly easier time building a little deeper connections with new people but I also just don’t have time and room in my life to go out and make new friends or meet people.
Heidi, I feel heard. I feel forgiving and compassionate towards myself, because I went through all the painful turmoil you explained - word for word. For anyone reading this, I cannot stress enough how "feeling the pain" is so helpful in taking the first step out and forward. Also, you are probably the first person to verbalize "breaking up while still being in love", atleast for me. This made me empathise with (and legitimise?) how difficult my heartbreak was for me. ♥♥
How were you able to overcome this? I am currently going through this and Infeel absolutely crippled
Same
@@gems-n-gunz307crippled is a good way to describe it, I see it as purgatory
Same also
Wow! You named it. I left my relationship when I was still in love but could no longer tolerate the chaos and dysfunction . He had an AP attachment style and I’m FA. I didn’t set good boundaries and he didn’t respect them. It was a recipe for disaster.
I'm 50 now and I had my first relationship in my lifetime where I actually experienced love. I completely self destructed over why I had to break up with her a year ago (I felt utterly detached from myself). Thank you so so much for this guidance!
You are incredible. This is your gift. I so relate to all this. My 12 Step group for addiction has actually been helping with this. Your explanations make me aware of this. I like how there is no shame in this, and that there's hope to heal. All i know is I've done yoga and meditation, but have only seen results with the 12 Steps. Looks like they help heal attachment wounds, which i never would have guessed. Yet, at the same time, i am needing more help, and this is framing where i need to get conscious. Thank you
I wrote in my journal "why can’t I just let go?" and then this video popped up. Cried the whole way through. Thank you for these insights.
The first time I actually tried being more open with someone, they used me in a way that made my fearful avoidance so much worse. I then met someone that I clicked with so well but naturally I dipped and regretted it so bad. I tried reaching out a couple months later but the damage was done. It took me so long to get over what I did and I still think about them every now and then esp when I’m rather sad lol. I never knew these feelings were an actual thing until a couple months ago. It’s nice to know I’m not the only person like this.
So accurate. I watched this 9 months ago (i see my old comment) and I’m back again lol - leaving a relationship while I’m still in love is something I do constantly and it’s the absolute most painful thing. Now that I’m conscious of it, I try to wait until the love is gone, but staying is so utterly, excruciatingly painful when I’m not feeling secure in a relationship
Why don't you work on your secure attachment skills? Mindsight by Dan Siegel is a great resource. As is David Richo, can't remember title. Both are amazing books but especially for building skills around secure attachment
@@ENSO-wildsound thank you for the recommendations, I sincerely appreciate those and will check them out! I’ve been working on my attachment for about 1.5 years now (while I’m in a relationship). If i get into a relationship with someone who’s extremely avoidant, I still struggle
Heidi, this is earth-shatteringly eye-opening for me. I just wish my younger self had access to all this rich psychological content available today. I suffered so much alone on my fearful avoidant island not understanding a blessed thing about myself and my behavior. 😊
Bloody hell (pardon my French). Years of therapy and self analysis including some truly excellent somatic processing in the past two years, but this explanation was spot on. Hadn’t labelled myself “fearful avoidant” yet but this explains pretty much my entire relationship history. Haven’t been able to leave my neglectful marriage, even while I bonded with somebody else after separation who actually took care of me and ticked all the boxes. I just keep going back because of the acute disorientation and enmeshment Heidi speaks of. Wish me luck, good luck to all my fellow fearful avoidants and heartfelt thanks to Heidi!
I relate to this HARD. Now that I understand boundaries and that I had a huge aversion to conflict I'm wondering a bit what could have happened in my major partnerships in the past if I'd known to work on these things. Every time I've left a major relationship I've still loved the person very much. I put a lot of pressure on myself to not go back on that choice because I don't want to jerk the person around but I have definitely gone back at least once every time wondering if I could have worked it out with the person.
I really thought it was because I had a moon in Cancer and Venus in Capricorn 😆 lmao nope was just unacknowledged generational trauma 🙃
Amen! The is a wash of putting puzzle pieces together in a beautiful way. Same for me with Astrology and even tarot. 😂
It can be both... Astrology is one with you psychology imo, reasons are not separate, just different points of view on the same "reality"
100% u could have succeeded with them if u went back and were vulnerable
@@michaelmich00 Thank you. I'm the dumpee from the FA and this video is shattering to me. I spent 34 years having my reality and heart crushed by a narcissist husband, only to follow it up with the most wonderful, kind man who suffers from commitment phobia and ghosted me just as things were getting good. To hear that he has played virtual emotional ping pong and felt disgust towards me for things I didn't even really do is simply the most unfair, heartbreaking kind of rationalization I've ever heard of.
Sheesh. I was just getting used to the idea that he was simply scared of being vulnerable. Never dawned on my I was being devalued in his mind for crap that isn't true.
It's not a romantic relationship that struggle with but my adult son. (We have no other relatives. ) However all the same dynamics are in play. We are both fearful avoidant and experts at playing the drama triangle. I'm working really hard to developed some health in this relationship. Having to look at my behaviour as a parent, see the damage, experience the pain and forgive myself then try to change and heal feelslike an agonising slow process. My therapist assures me I am moving mountains 😁. Thank you for your compassionate style and language of explaining my world to me. 🙏 In my healing journey I Ilisten to you rpodcasts 4 times a week and discuss with my therapist😇
As I grow and understand I model and talk about the things I am learning. I live in a small town and see the changes in me making change in my community all the way down under in NZ. Thank you Heidi.
The reason you are having these issues is because you have no family or support except in a 3rd party called a therapist. People need to realise how messed up society is. See the bigger picture. Your son had no siblings and obviously not a good Male role model.
Ughhhh this sounds just like me. I think I really blew my last relationship because I ended it abruptly after asking for space because I didn't know how to respond during a conflict, process the conversation and decide how to move forward. I feel like shit
Heyy can you please tell me after how much time did you felt initial relief after breakup and when did you start regretting? And did the other person go no contact or was still in contact?
❤❤❤ Heidi thank you … finally at 61 and 3 long term relationships I feel i have a roadmap to heal thanks so much
The sense of ease that washes over me after listening to your FA videos is truly a gift, thank you for sharing this incredibly valuable information and lived experience in such a meaningful, sincere way. Having more understanding around the ricochet experience and why I sometimes don’t have access to feelings I know I’ve felt so deeply before relieves so much pressure and will help curb my propensity for self shaming. It’s been 10 months since my long term relationship ended and your insight is helping me make sense of why it’s felt wildly painful, confusing and exhausting. Thank you for offering these really helpful, constructive steps towards living a more securely attached life. I’m so so so grateful to you Heidi.
Heidi, you are seriously amazing. Really. I've been looking gor answers for years. I'm 32, been dating since I was 19, and have never had a long lasting relationship. I've been to therapy throughout those years, and am pretty aware of the pattern, but I've never heard anyone explain fearful avoidant as accurately and as in detail as you do while also giving the best advice.
I know ther's still a long way to go, but your videos are giving me a lot of hope.
Thank you so much❤
Can't deny a single thing in this video. Thank you so much. You are enlightening and you are saving lives Heidi ❤
I'm now in the secure range, but still have strong FA tendencies and I very much related to this. I find you videos so thorough and informative! Makes perfect sense why certain people leave such a strong imprint on me after being deeply vulnerable with them. Thankfully I have a couple of other people in my life who truly, deeply know and love me. It's beautiful and I can't wait to form more close connections as I heal. I really appreciate insights from a former FA type who knows the struggle. And a fellow ENFP to boot. Your content has become quite the source of motivation and empowerment for me ❤ Love love love it! Sending gratitude.
INFP male in my 40s. Being misunderstood has been my reality for years and finding people who do accept me as I am has been unbelievably challenging.
I seem to keep gravitating towards people who want to either fix me or save me.
They basically wish I was more exciting and extroverted and also want to jump in and fight my battles for me when I face difficulties with others. I would admit it most likely is the very reserved and conservative energy that I emanate but in truth I really don't need saving or fixing and on the inside I am actually quite content with the person I am but it's still difficult when I become attached to people who are more about tolerance than acceptance.
On the positive side of things, they were in their own way likely trying to draw your attention to certain aspects of the relationship that required your participation as well.
Relationships do not work very well when one partner is passive or thinks no changes are ever required from their side.
People seem to miss that relationships benefit from both partners learning to be flexible, adapt, communicate, draw boundaries and resolve conflict.
….. only thing this video lacks is a mic-drop at the end.
You are a true gem Heidi, absolutely crying my eyes out listening to this.
❤️
Wow, this explains everything about a breakup that I can’t get over years later. I usually feel so hopeless about my attachment issues but this made me feel hopeful - thank you. (I just wish I could go back in time and employ all of these tools then!)
Had to pause mid video to just say how much I love your metaphors and analogies! I just discovered your channel today and I'm honestly in shock by how much everything is resonating with me. I've been dealing with some issues both within myself and with others that I haven't been able to figure out for years on end. Your videos have gotten the light bulb above my head to go off and now I can see where I'm going after being in the dark so long.
Thank you so much Heidi, I really appreciate it.
This was incredibly accurate for me. Ive been aware of myself as a fearful avoidant and consciously doing a lot of healing work in the last few months and if i had seen this video a few months before I would have been BLOWN away and assumed you were talking about me specifically. This is so helpful, thank you so much! 💗
You do an excellent job of walking through these emotional mechanics. This was very helpful understanding my previous partner and building insight and compassion for their experience. Thank you.
Heidi, you are so brilliant explaining these ideas. It is uncanny that the past few videos have directly applied to me in the present moment, and each has helped me process my current situation. I have opened up to only two people (in 50 yrs). One passed away, and one recently betrayed me. Unfortunately, that person represented too many things, so yes, the loss feels magnified. Thankfully, I have an excellent therapist and your videos to help me process. You are a gift! Seriously, I have even journaled my reactions to your videos. They have really helped tremendously! ❤ I told my psychiatrist to watch them and she is going to use them as a resource for her patients. 😊
Ummmm this was the BEST explanation of this attachment and I’ve been around the block on my healing journey with this style! And so timely as I struggle to move on from a relationship that I know wasn’t serving my needs anyway. Thank you thank you!
Heidi. The way you present and talk about these subjects, I have no words for it. How you keep me concentrating until the end with the way my mind is at the moment. I've even made notes, putting things into practice. Found shadow work because of you. You have saved my sanity. I can't thank you enough ❤
Wow this helped me in so many ways. I tend to gas light myself a lot, it's exhausting being so back and forth. I really do want to change and heal this pattern from childhood. A month ago I went through my breakup, and I'm finding it hard to get over him. He was the person I have been the most vulnerable with, and I miss how he could emotionally regulate me. When he triggered me the only way I knew how to regulate myself was to go into a meltdown. It's truly exhausting staying this way. I did abruptly leave to, but he couldn't say he loved me back. That really broke me because I was still in love, so I ran before he could. He's a dismissive avoidant. I think why I didn't stay consistent with my boundaries was because I understood the avoidant side to things and I let a lot of shit slide that was straight up disrespectful. Anyways this insight helps.
Thanks for this video. I’ve been in love twice in my life and left while in love both times. First time I didn’t acknowledge that I was in love until 6 months after I left. 2nd time I realized about a week after I ended things. If I fall in love a third time I hope I’ll be able to acknowledge my feelings while still in the relationship. I went through therapy for a while to work through a lot of this and I have some more secure close friendships as well as peer support. But I guess it’ll be put to the test whenever I fall in love again 😅 fingers crossed it works out
Thank you Heidi! Every point felt so relevant and true, I pretty much sobbed (and laughed) throughout - our poor little brains trying to navigate all of this 🥹 the healing journey can feel fairly overwhelming, but I’m so glad it’s possible
Dear Heidi, I have been reading about trauma and healing for 8 years now (I'm 26). Self help has been a huge part of my life, mostly trying to find out in "what's wrong with me" and trying to heal myself in private - so I could finally go out into the world and be "like everyone else".
I cannot thank you enough for bringing a whole other level of clarity and coherence to the emotional / relational area of my life. Your videos give me a concrete framework of the emotional landscape - and they enable me to take concrete steps towards healing. While most other sources on these topics are just wishy washy.
Thank you for the gift you are bringing to the world, by combining your sharp intellect and logical intelligence with the world of emotion. You are helping me (and lots of people obviously) in a significant way.
Best regards
David
I feel this so strongly. People think they’ve gotten really close to me but I think they come to realize they never knew anything about me at all.
In a weird way I never tell anything about me.
Very relatable. I always used to blame them for not wanting to get close when the reality is I never gave people the opportunity to. My heart was completely closed of so it was impossible to securely attach to anyone. I’ve only just developed deep friendships at 30 years old so there’s hope going forward I think.
Perfect description of my life/ world/ chaos.
Pretty cool tips given at the end, will explore.
Grateful that I’ve come in contact with this video & that it exists. Thank you!
27:11 clean pain from breakups when securely attached. Wow. Clean pain because of understanding. Mind blowing
You are the first psychologist who has struck me with every video I’ve watched. I’ve never donated before, but I’m crying right now because each of your videos is changing my perspective on myself and my relationship
I was the one that chose to end it in 2020 because I was going thru a mental health episode… 3 years later and I still regret it and am not over it, while he’s engaged to someone else. It didn’t help that we remained friends and saw each other regularly for the first 2 years. My brain cannot accept he’s not my family any more. Wish we had just communicated more…
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust anyone again like that. Dating has just been painful despite lots of therapy.
I miss my person…
Thanks! This was very enlightening. I was/am with a FA who, ended things suddenly when things were going great. Ended things but never went anywhere. I gave him space and he stayed around until he ended things again. Every time he gets too close, he convinces himself that we have nothing in common, or that I must be lying or cheating because how could I love him? He ended things for the 3rd time last month and this time, pushed me away, but didn't go anywhere. I remained calm, didn't really react, but gave him his space. When I try to explain that I understand why he does this, he won't listen. I just hope that one day he realizes that he deserves to be in a healthy relationship and does the work. I'd send him the vid link but, he wouldn't watch it.
Update: He left again and took the extra step. He started dating right away. I guess that's it. It's sad to me. He said he has to delete and block me because of the new girl and I told him, do what you have to do, and I hope you find your happiness. I'm crushed but I can't stay in this state. So I'm going to feel what I'm feeling, start picking up the pieces, and keep working on myself. I don't think I'll get over him so this space is what I need.
@@faelisa Im so sorry you are going through this :( Sending you lots of love💖
@@faelisaSounds awful. You will get over it eventually, but in some ways, will always be with you.
Thank you for explaining this in easy to comprehend terms. I have been on a roller coaster ride for the last 9 months with my GF still not sure exactly what her attachment style is but it’s at least a little clearer. Her on again off again behavior was exhausting and emotionally draining. Hated to see her go but I’m not therapist.
You have no idea how helpful this is. The ricocheting can feel so hopeless, but it all makes sense now. Definitely gonna keep these tips in mind
As a FA, I completely experienced #2. I asked him to move out. I’m now working on myself while we’re working on our relationship. He, not surprisingly, has issues with alcohol abuse, and I’m figuring out where my boundaries lie with that.
I've never before heard such an acurate description of how I behave in relationships :\ urgh. I'm now 47 and only truly beginning my attachment healing journey. Vulnerability is the scariest thing. I think because of this I've supressed myself so much over the years I no longer know who I am or what I want from life.
I always thought I was a DA but the more I watch your videos the more I realize I’m an FA. Things make a lot more sense to me now. Thank you.
Heidi! From the deepest part parts of my heart I say THANK YOU! ❤
This one video gave me so much clarity as to why I was feeling so in and out with my most recent partner. Knowing I truly loved her, recognizing some distrust I had toward her revolving around finances and the amount of affection shown toward me.
The toxic shame and unconscious pushing away I did based on differences in culture and physical appearances…
I now see a large portion of the dysfunction in our relationship (on my side) has steered from my family enmeshment traumas and not knowing how to truly set boundaries for myself and the toxic shame of wanting to be my own individual with my own preferences but it being shut down by my caretakers both overtly and subtly.
I love your videos even though they can be tough pills to swallow at times; but, they help those of us who need to see the unseen dark spots of our own psyche.
Much love and success to yo!🌹
Looking forward to seeing the video on enmeshment in romantic relationships 🙂
I watched dozens and dozens of other videos, trying to understand these attachment styles, and understand what it all means and you’re the only person so far that’s been able to spell it out and make me get it.
Edit: I just found this comment that I left within the last 4 months. I find it very interesting that TH-cam lists the original comment was left nine months ago. I didn’t even know my ex girlfriend 9 months ago!
Thank you so much for this. For many years, I have suffered because I had not really understood the reason behind why I do what I do and feel what I feel. I had given up hope on myself and had suicidal ideations. This video alone has made understanding myself easier. You have a way of presenting the fearful-avoidant attachment style that is easily understood. I just hope that I would be able to hear actual stories so that I can compare it with my own. I still feel hopeless and like I'll never be in a satisfying relationship - heck, even my work is affected - but I guess the first step is being aware and wanting to change. I wish I had the money to go through therapy, but because I don't, I hope that facing and dealing with this by myself is the next best thing.
Heidi, I’m so impressed with what you are doing. I can only imagine how much dedication and thought you have put into all of this ❤.
Another brilliant lesson Heidi. Thank you!❤❤. So many detailed gems in here
Your videos make real sometimes divorced psychological concepts. I feel like a ton of hurt people out there have never learned attachment theory or self analyzed with it. You've helped me more than you know
12:00 activation after breakup happened 10 years later. My love in youth, first love, longest relationship. Devastating. In one day It all came back, all the feelings, started processing and grieving the relationship only then. So hectic.
Wow! Simply amazed by how much you can express the way we are feeling things in a way that is way more organized than our thoughts. I'm feeling so undertood and happy to clarify the events. This wasn't simply "another video", that was a huge lesson! Thanks a lot for sharing those points of view.
can you imagine the confusion trying to figure out what the right story is after a psychologically abusive relationship? distressing for anyone, but mindblowingly so for an FA.
Yes, this is my experience and it’s like twilight zone
Watching this video again and looking back at this attachment healing journey I’ve been on for the past 2-3 years, it feels so good to see how far I’ve come. Thank you truly for your help Heidi ❤️
This was so helpful. I experience a sense of disgust or being turned off in terms of attraction, but didn’t recognize disgust as a deactivation strategy
AGHH!! amazing. crying a lot, don’t have the words, just mind blowing. I watch your videos on this topic every now and then, and they hit, but sometimes, like now, they hit REALLY HARD. It is what I need to hear, I feel courage, and throughout this video I’ve felt a reconnection with my real pain, leaving the various narratives I came into this video with behind me for now. I’ve been in a very deactivated state for a few weeks now, and considering leaving my relationship, secretly already knowing I’ll regret it and miss her if I do. Feeling incredibly stuck. With these harsh structures in my mind, I’m not easily convinced, but I have again and am leaving this video with a little more hope.
You got my ass, Heidi. I don't feel like I miss my ex but find myself still thinking about them sometimes. This provided A LOT of clarity
11:30 This. Precisely what happened with my 8-year relationship. Luckily for him, he found somebody more stable, grounded, and professionally together. Unfortunately for us, we both waited way too long to seek individual and couple counseling, not to mention all my undiagnosed psych issues. Addressing attachment style and identifying specific traits I need to accept rather than continue banging my head against a wall to change: these are my present psych projects.
Just watching this video makes me feel already more secure, simply through knowing of a map to security which is the courage to experience and accept emotions as they happen in real time. That ability would change so many areas of my life, friendships, business and romance. Listened to your book on INFP also. Your videos make me feel like I am meeting and discovering myself anew for the first time quite a lot. Thank you for for your perseverance on this Path, It has enlightened mine. 🙏
This may very well be the single most helpful video I will ever stumble upon in my life. Thank you so much.
Oh my goodness I did this exact same thing word for word, ended my relationship whilst still in love. I mean the whole processI DID IT, the regret everything. I’m still struggling to get over it’s almost 6months now. Thanks you breaking it down. You’re the first I’ve heard discuss this attachment style. 🤗🤗🤗
Ive not experienced the disgust response thougj i know what you are talking about. Its not disgust for me. Its feeling overburdened like there is no way i can provide for the needs that this person is asking me for. Its more like helpless despair and just detaching because i know i cant do it.
Thank you!
This video is so comforting and informative and helpful.
To have a starting point for beginning healing and integrating and sitting with the pain is a light in a very dark room.
I literally take 5 years between breaking up and starting something new. Everything you touch on is my life and my attachment history.
While at first it felt so devastating to realize how broken and disorganized I am emotionally , the comfort of not being alone is settling in. You sharing your own journey is so helpful, and reading the comments, feels like we are a little tribe of warriors.
Super grateful that you are here helping all of us. I am starting to feel like I don’t have to isolate myself from love to stop feeling like I am drowning or inside a body on fire.
🙏🏿
This is the third time i watch this video. I think this is the norm for me. Almost all my relationships ended when i still had feelings for the person. But the relationship was either toxic or so full of problems that we simply could not go on. Now i have a normal relationship with a secure person and I feel like i could stay with him forever, i could marry him... and I'm afraid about him leaving me or stopping loving me. That scares me way more than problems cause if it ends because of problems, then it's not my fault, then it's not me being unlovable. I think I chose the most difficult situations (people with alcohol/drug issues, people with severe mental illness) to protect myself from this... I chose relationships that were doomed from the beginning because I was so afraid to discover that i was unlovable, that i wanted to have another reason to get out
💔 Reason 2 is exactly what happened to me, and I’m still trying to let go of a person for 5 years now (for the first 3 years post-breakup it didn’t even register to me I was still in love! 😅 and her being a DA is not helping, as I can’t even understand if there is any point in trying, so that September video could’ve been helpful). As long as the healing journey has been so far, I clearly still have no idea of what is ok to ask for and what is ok to be mad about, and that fawn response is so strong and the guilt is so crushing, that I’d rather not even get mad or slip at all. Which is at the end of the day even more unhealthy as I bottle everything up, even though subconsciously, and that’s the opposite of working on boundaries that got me there in the first place. And yet I’m trying so hard to do it differently with every conscious little step I can take. Will I ever get over that?
…I guess I’ll have to keep watching to find out. Both the video and the movie of my life.
WOW...brilliant. Much needed clarification on all processes, especially the healing process.
I dated a fearful avoidant and thought she was so open to me. But in reality, she was keeping parts of her thoughts hidden from me. Those thoughts brewed into resentment for me, she deactivated, resulting in a breakup which to me came out of nowhere. If you are a fearful avoidant, please work to share your needs so your partner can fulfill them, before it’s too late.
Im going thru same shit mate