"You dont process emotions by thinking about the past. You process emotions by recognizing the moments in which the past is present for you" Im writing that down!
@@MrCmon113 Good question. I think the point is that our emotions are a channel of our experience of life that deeply involves our body, and is an important source of information to make sense of life. So by ignoring what we feel we leave the values of things and their meaning not fully processed.
I'm an avoidant and just you mentioning, "what if I actually feel my emotions as they happen", instantly made my heart race and I started to be anxious. And my immediate response was no 😅
Yes. I'm 46, and for as long as I can remember I've been a "control freak" when it comes to my emotions. I can remember being a kid, and fictional characters like Mr. Spock and Sherlock Holmes appealed to me. I liked how cool, rational and "in control" they were under pressure in contrast to how out of control I felt when experiencing strong emotions...so I gradually trained myself to push them down. Now, it's so automatic that I've forgotten how to access my true, authentic feelings about things. Sometimes it's frustrating, but "intellectually bypassing" emotions is pretty addictive actually, because it's kind of comfortable hiding behind this wall I've built.
@travishairgrove3428 same! I relate to this so much!!! I'm like this when I comes to physical pain too! I just learned to keep it all inside because no one cares about my crap. We all got crap. I always joke that unlike other girls, I never thought about being rescued by the prince. I always wanted to be the prince 😂 I want to be the one in control, not the vulnerable damsel in distress
I have always called this, “sterilizing the emotion”. Like when a biologist kills the bacteria so they can look at it under a microscope. Once it becomes an idea instead of a feeling, you can talk about it as though it’s happening to somebody else. Love your channel, btw.
@@Heyu7her3 I might respectfully disagree. Feelings are not ideas., they are closer to sensations or "modifiers of state". Feelings only become ideas you discuss them in the abstract (rather than experiencing them).
I actually laughed out loud a couple of times at how accurate this is for me. Even my therapists are generallg impressed at my "self awareness"...at some level i think I've always known that my self awareness was a way to get out of actually feeling my feelings--and God forbid I ever cry or lose my cool in front of someone. Emotions have always felt like an embarassment to me. Starting to recognize that me not feeling my feelings has cut me off from living life.
I was watching this video on my tv and went and got my phone to reply to this ... But what you said is absolutely me and my state (and the commenter above too!) Emotions often feel embarrassing, and having had some brutal experiences of embarrassment and rejection growing up, embarrassment is one of the most painful and unsettling experiences. So to have that connection is ... Not great! Thanks for spelling this out. This was really helpful right along with this video.
There is no way of not feeling feelings. Feelings are just momentary appearances. They aren't substances that are separable from you floating around in the aether. There is no "you" that's separable from your states of mind. You thinking that you have failed to "feel a feeling" is like a book saying "we skipped this sentence". Nothing was ever skipped, the notion of skipping is the sentence. The feeling of separateness, of congestion, of suppression or whatever is the feeling.
@@MrCmon113 I wonder why you feel the need to poopoo someone else's experience...I, personally, find the original commenter's words to ring true & express my experience too
This made me realize that cbt can actually be harmful for people who lean avoidant because the therapist constantly tries to extract an explanation from you and that forced me to intellectualize everything for their benefit and my detriment. Then they go and say “oh we’ve made so much progress” even though I didn’t feel any better.
definitely this for me, I have always said that i intelectualize all my problems so much and I know how CBT works I can just do it logically but it doesnt actually "stick" or make me feel the actual emotional shift in any way
CBT done well is noticing, labeling and processing and changing unhelpful behaviors. CBT isn't about intellectualizing and ignoring what you've labled. Explaining this here for people who may misunderstand what CBT is.
@@xiqueirai think what we were trying to say is that although we go through the motions and change said behaviors, some triggers or emotions do not stop from happening in the background although you keep applying CBT techniques over and over again. Almost like your body doesnt get the memo and your brain is left misfiring. Even though therapy has helped me tremendously figuring out things, meds is what actually lead me to live a less tumultuous day to day life. But I do agree with your statement, its just a sticky situation to explain well. But somehow the "intellectualizing" part made sense to me although I have no avoidant attachment behavior, quite the contrary.
I feel this and avoided going back to therapy for over a decade because of it. I came back when I discovered Intermal Family Systems. Take a look on TH-cam if you haven't.
It's worth noting that a lot of times there is societal pressure to do this "intellectual bypassing of emotions". People are encouraged to "be stoic" and not "disturb the peace" by displaying your emotions too much. I'm currently no contact with my parents, have been doing a lot of work surrounding trauma (childhood emotional neglect) that I didn't even know that I had, and I had to do this mostly on my own or in online spaces such as this channel, because most people around me, therapists included, would always want to focus on forgiving my parents for "doing their best"... Even when their best wasn't good enough. And I never got to hear that it is valid for me to feel angry that the best they could do is nowhere near enough for me, I had to process that feeling on my own, and I still need to push back hard against people telling me that it's not right for me to feel angry with them for that and trying to force me to deactivate. People suck.
The pressure to downplay feelings is sadly very real. That's really brave of you to take the space you need to heal and continue to stand up for your feelings. I'm so sorry that people are invalidating your rightful anger. That's extra messed up for a therapist to do. It makes sense to steer clear of people that tell you you're wrong for your feelings. My therapist told me that starting to feel angry can actually be a sign that healing is starting. Obviously, you can't just stay angry, but it's a sign those protective instincts are waking up. That allows you to make the safe space for other feelings like grief, sadness, etc. And then you can start to meet the needs you missed out on. Good luck in your healing journey.
YES. I was thinking this too around minute 23, with #5 and the tie it up with a bow tendency. It's not just vulnerability, it's self-defense because we're used to hearing "but you have to understand they are this way because..." and are put in positions of having to defend our right to feel hurt and that the harm was real.
They’re like that because they gaslight themselves and are in self denial themselves. It triggers them into facing themselves and because they’ve been taught they shouldn’t do that they try to make sure others don’t either. Or perhaps they feel like it’s too painful and they can’t do it so neither should you.
I felt a little frustrated when Heidi described avoidant people being eerily calm and thinking "this is about you and I don't need to feel things about it" when they're being screamed at because I've been given that advice so many times in conflict resolution. Especially in the work place. Makes you wonder who's writing those articles!
“Even though you understand their trauma, it still hurts”. Such a great way to express a rational explanation to an emotional pain. Super for a super rational person like me
why would those experiences ever be opposed or mutually exclusive tho? I dont really see that...trauma is by nature painful and wll never go away. That's jus basic shit. I was explaining this to my mother and father when I was NINE. They laughed and continued abusing me.
@@elizabethbennet4791 people with a scarcity mindset see caring about people as a zero sum game. if their needs aren't being met but someone else's are, it can feel like the other person "took" something away from them so they'll come up with reasons to withhold care
@@xXx_Regulus_xXxpersonally it’s not “scarcity mindset”, it’s feeling like I am lacking integrity when still giving time/energy/ reciprocity to someone who has repeatedly shown me they are ok treating me like crap. How can a person feel in alignment with their values of how they treat others and want to be treated when they keep up a relationship with someone who demonstrates through their actions that they do not value or respect them? That’s not scarcity mindset, that’s consenting to being treated like shit, just because you know they had a rough go and are choosing to act out their garbage on you.
I thought I was being more emotionally intelligent by handling issues with logic first, and emotion after. For emergencies, I still think it's a good mindset, but it's not as effective for long-term healing. Thank you for covering this topic and for doing what you do!
I'm 10 minutes in and don't yet see any solid reasoning to perform an inversion in thinking. The whole point of being congisant of your emotions, especially when in a high pressure or emotionally charged situation is so you can think clearly. For all but experts at this, all it's going to do is sow internal confusion and doubt.
It looks like Heidi is conflating mindfullness practices such as those taught in meditation with a very unfavorable reading of stoicism - One where critics say its principals result in the dampening of emotions (as opposed to proponents who say stoicism teaches us to focus on our emotions and actions, rather than those of others). The key takeaway is to be mindfull of the sensations that arise in the body and mind. The other stuff in this video ranges from less useful to counter productive.
The best decision-making comes from a balance of logic and emotion. Logic without emotion is a boat with nothing to steer it. Emotion without logic is all direction and no momentum. Ideally we would all employ a healthy balance of both.
@@6Sparx9stoicism has a modern incarnation that says what you name as an unfavorable interpretation The logic of this neo stoicism is obscured, but it revolves around maintaining power and control by suppressing irrational emotions These forms of logic and understanding the world spawn from abusive control mechanisms as highlighted by things like the BITE model of coercive control When these forms of coercive control work their way into your mind, rational reflection can become totally consumed by rationalizing away the bad behavior and bad beliefs of an abusive power figure. In the moment it will feel rational, in reality it will be driven by powerful emotions and a logic imposed on you through coercive tactics (see again the BITE model) People discussing stoicism in the public eye are most often espousing some form of this neo stoicism and do some from a perceived position of authority. Huge huge huge red flags. I doubt that the average person interested in stoicism does so from an academic standpoint. They most likely pull their understanding from influences speaking from a position of perceived authority, telling you to suppress your emotions and do whatever they tell you to do to avoid bad things happening to you.
This is phenomenal info! I thought stoicism was something to strive for. I can't seem to identify the emotion in times of high pressure situations and have learned to just say "I feel a disturbance in the field" and I get away from it. Later I feel horrible sadness or even rage. And I can feel it then.
Look up the School of Life's explanation of the philosophy of stoicism - combined with what Heidi's saying about feeling the feelings, I think it's a really compatible and helpful worldview
I don't think you necessarily need to "feel the feelings" (whatever that even means) at the exact moment when they come. The world isn't safe and that can actually be dangerous.
Stoicism was the prototype philosophy that was convenient during a very volatile and unpredictable time. It's not useless today, but why would you strive for it in these much more safer times?
Oh boy, that hit hard, you made me cry. I'm an old "forever alone" guy, and today I was ghosted on my dating app, and I felt empty and hopeless, but my way of dealing with the situation was browsing for self-help. I'm glad I found this video instead of one telling me what I wanted to hear. Needless to say, the video also made it very clear why I can't connect to people, and why paying for dating apps before working through my issues is wasted money. At least I'm at a point where I can admit that I have serious problems, that's already kind of progress. Thank you!
No Human alive doesn’t have a story, None! This is where constructive criticism comes in & is very helpful & useful but most humans don’t want any part of it! Surely people over your life expressed their criticism over the years👉Check it out to see if it’s true; That’s a good start! Be gentle on yourself, as you learn to be humble & mindful ⏳🐛🦋⌛️
feel this way too - but you can't be rescued by someone or live in past relationships (if I'm being honest I have a limerent relationship where I still think about someone after 15 yrs) - I know I need to understand who I am and heal rather than find sanctuary in someone else's security or lack of it - you can be drawn to the idea of fixing someone because you recognise their pain.. it's dangerous to be responsible or have someone take responsibility for another person's happiness. Good Luck on your journey to self-knowledge and self-actualisation (not to society's expectations but your own).
I love how she explains to me like I’m 5. “This is why you will benefit from feeling your emotions.” It makes so much more sense when she says it than when people get all sensitive and say, “That’s the beauty of life.” Thank you Heidi :)
It's not to attack you, Just like how you choose to lack understanding towards people and bring up sensitivity where it must be implying sensitive people are the problem. The video is on emotions, and its human nature to express emotions. It just sounds like a conversation or something, and "The beauty of life" is just that, and however an individual defines it. Noones obliged to give you or teach you anything. It's ok to be sensitive, and it's ok to not have tolerance for something one may not agree or appreciate, to be short or have a big speech on why someone doesn't really go far into things. Usually if people become disgruntled, or "sensitive" as you put it, is for a reason. It takes effort, and for some a lot of it. If you expect people in life to explain so you just take it on and that's it, I can see why people could have low tolerance or be reluctant to go in-depth. Things I found some people struggle with and always shows more at work is accountability, communication, and focusing on other people's business, when they probably shouldn't because it distracts them from themselves (unless its admiring/appreciating), and ego dominant and not realizing that it affects people around them.
@@earth-air-water-fire-aetherook, some people like hippie shit and some don’t. Some think crying out with love is the best thing ever, some think it’s chocolate. Everyone’s got a different thing that floats their boat. Some people are more emotional than others, there’s gonna be a top 10 percent and a bottom 10 percent. You can be anywhere on the scale, but chances are someone with a place more similar to you on it is gonna have a mindset you relate to more. Like rn, I lol’d because you said not to attack and then said something that sounded like you were butt-hurt and said there are reasons people get sensitive. I don’t really care. I don’t mean that mean either. We just have different perspectives. I think you missed my point 😂 I’m talking about someone being kinda out of touch with their emotions, and then out of all the reasons to strengthen that relationship, picturing some zen hippie woman with flowers in her hair saying how it’s the beauty of life and the beauty of love. I think love is beautiful, but idk why the love found in a dad holding his child for the first time would roll over to someone deciding whether or not to do their taxes with an accountant or on their own. Heidi explains to people Ike me that let’s say I wanted an accountant, but thought I should do them on my own because they weren’t complicated enough for me to need one and I could do them jsut as well and might even profit more from it, that it’s ok to want an accountant and the fact that I want one because I’m stressed and had a long week and would rather just hire someone to file for me is OK and I don’t have to make my decisions by on if I technically could do them or not, or which pays the most, but can factor in how I feel in the moment too. I am moved by moving things. I am not very moved by people crying about moving things in a general way when the moving things are not actually right there.
15:48-16:02 "You don't process emotions by thinking about the past - you process emotions by recognizing the moments in which the past is present and feeling those feelings in the moment." Whoa.
I like how I'm learning this information and immediately start intellectualizing it 😂 I'm like "ahh yes makes sense!" but still not letting it in on an emotional level haha
To properly intellectualise this information, the first thing to do is to ask whether or not it is true. And what if it is not? Unfortunately, most of psychological ideas are not verifiable. There is no need to start deregulating your emotional state based on some unverified theory, unless you really desperate and belive that potential benefits outweigh the risks
How else would you say that though? You said you're "learning" it, which is a cognitive thing and is why something would "make sense". Otherwise, that's a limit of language, not your problem
I very much identified with “exonerating” my parents for some of the things they did. In fact, my sister and I will discuss our parents’ inadequacies and failings and mutually exonerate them by saying things like “they did the best they could”. So, this video hit home to me. Thanks.
oooh I cant STAND those types people, ugh gross!!!! so common particularly among Boomers. Worst humans on earth. Just GROSS. My older half siblings are just like this. So gross and mediocre. Bland, lackluster people.
You’re lucky your sister sees things the same way as you. My older sister and younger twin sisters have a much different view of our parents than me, and kind of put them both on a pedestal. I was the middle child, often pushed aside because the others’ needs were more important than mine. I became very naughty to get attention, but it was negative attention and made me even more miserable. Our mum sadly died in 2016 and afterwards, one of the twins told me she had often expressed guilt for how she treated me - but she never once talked to me about it and now it’s too late. Our elderly father has recently moved south to be near us, having lived away for over 40 years - with two separate families, and although I love him, I’m just not prepared to make a huge effort to help look after him (he’s 94!) yet my sisters are fawning around him left, right and centre. Why?!! He’s done NOTHING for them or their children for all that time! I’m even more of an outcast now, but I will not relent.
@@skippy7208 Good for you, stick to your guns! My mother told me a few years ago, "you have to help take care of me." She's 73, I said, I never agreed to that. I've been raising my children and with my youngest just turning 18 I have some down time before the grand babies come along. Why should I go out of my way for someone who has gone years without contacting me?
Processing complex trauma is so difficult. Either you become overwhelmed or push emotions down. Taking small steps, choices and communicating boundaries is key for me. Thank you 🙏
Thank you for this video. I always struggled with understanding why I wasn’t making progress with my mental health despite being so “emotionally in-tuned” and self-aware. I really was just over-rationalizing as a coping mechanism. “I don’t have to deal with it because I’ve labeled it” was so spot on.
I've had 20 years of confusion about my own behaviour.. despite extensive psychological and occasionally psychiatric examination. I refused to accept BPD traits as applicable because I'm not emotionally unstable or have an abandonment issue. I've overcome splitting through intellectualisation. Recently the idea of avoidant attachment with BPD made more sense because I do have emotional and abandonment issues I just detach so completely from them. This intellectual bypassing has led to some quite strange outlets for all the emotions I have hidden from myself
The tough love is much-needed. Hyper-functional, stoic behaviour isn’t everything. It's very easy to see oneself as a badass, unbreakable survivor and lose one's humanity and vulnerability in the process. And when it happens, it's the loneliest feeling in the world. Thank you for putting this into words.
Well this video was brutal. I'm 43, I've been in therapy for 18 years now. I've battled crippling anxiety for most of my adult life. I thought I had made some great progress over the past few years as I thought I've been at peace with what I discovered about myself and my past, but still seem to have a very hard time still breaking a lot of my old emotional patterns. I just learned very recently that I have a strong avoidant attachment style (I had never heard anything about this), but this whole cognitive bypassing is something completely new to me, but is like an arrow on a bullseye. Every single point and sign you mentioned was like, 'yes, I do that'. I've always wondered why it seems that there were points in my life where I feel like I should have very strong emotional memories, but I don't. I started getting brutally bullied in 5th grade, and I never really ever discussed it with my parents (who worked most all of the time). But in my adult life, I struggle with anxiety still (and like having it spike at seemingly illogical times), but being able to always keep cool during times when I probably should be quite upset. And I have so many problems maintaining relationships (i.e. my ex-wife, as well as my current, both have anxious attachment styles), to the point that as I get older, I am getting quite fearful of this fact. So, damn, this was a shot to the chest, and even kinda disheartening. I'm not sure what to do now, as now it's me working most all of the time. But thank you for the info.
I'm in the same boat, friend. If you were in talk therapy this might be where you're getting stuck. Talk therapy is fine for some, but for eventually you have to let your body be heard (it's a whole different skillset and modality). EMDR therapy is a good place start, somatic therapy, anything that can help you to form a trusting relationship with your body again is the direction to head toward. CPTSD forces us to leave our body to cope, so coming back to the body can feel unsafe. It's tough but you can do it. I wish you so much luck.
You could also try to actively work on your avoidant attachment style, the good news is that we can all work on getting more secure, maybe that will get you to attract less anxious partners and you'd be able to understand them better and make things work relationship wise, never lose hope, we're all in this together, what's important is that you're actively trying and working on yourself!
"the reason why this is important is because you are not gathering all the information you need, if you are dissociated from your emotional state in a high-pressure situation" I like how you put this. I tend to feel annoyed by "you need to feel your feelings" because uhhh why, I don't like to feel them and I don't feel like it's necessary. But the reason of 'gathering information' is speaking so directly to my strong need of _understanding_ things that suddenly feeling my feelings is starting to actually sound a bit like a thing that could be helpful to learn. Huh, interesting.
I'm two years into No Contact with n-ex and narc parents and just beginning to Stop intellectually By-passing my FEELINGS. It's been super crazy at first. It felt like I was regressing because emotions would just carry me away after achieving calm for months. But that is progress, I soon discovered. Now I cry a bit every day and have learned to sit with deeper pain coming up. To me that is healing! Thank you Heidi
I agree with what you said, that IS healing , but also worth thinking about whether community/friendships/family can be there, or listen when you get upset. Some people find theere is more healing when you get upset with a good listener, as opposed to in solitude. I suppose both are healthy though 👍
Heidi, I'm gonna ask you to stop knowing me more than I know myself LOL. Your videos articulate these complex concepts SO well and they are so accurate. I'm so glad I found your channel, its been helping me so much. You are an incredible, underrated gem!
I spotted this today. Tension in my head,not able to feel and this burning compulsion, it's horrible. While walking l was fully in touch with my feelings and was able to connect them with the original pain. How did I even survive. Feels like crawling thru a sewer pipe. Intellectual bypassing, ok. I love how articulate you are. Thanks
3 minutes in and this is EXACTLY the video i’ve been looking for. it seems no one talks deeply about avoidant attachment styles it’s only anxious that i’ve seen. I just learned im a fearful avoidant and can’t find any information to understand myself more and work towards healing. Its definitely worse seeing videos from an anxious perspective like, “how to cope with an avoidant partner.” to me the title implies that it’s our fault we are the way we are and we’re not trying to grow and change like everyone else is. thank you so much for this video!
What's worked for me has been spending time writing out why I am the way I am through journaling, finding healthy relationships to emulate. Also, maybe most important: find at least 3 people you can trust. Make yourself talk with them about your issues and problems, your hangups and trauma. Let them know it's an exercise in trying to overcome some of your issues, and ask them if they'd be willing to help. It's painful to force yourself there, but if you've got a couple of halfway decent friends, they'll listen willingly. Don't worry, you're not burdening them. Ignore that voice in your head saying you are, it's a lie. When you feel overwhelmed, call one of those 3 friends, and talk to them about it. Tell them you're overwhelmed, and you need a friend to talk to for a minute. I guarantee they'll be happy to, and when you're done, thank them, and let them know how much you appreciate it, and that you're there if they need you too. You'll feel better. I use a journal to keep track of this, make sure I'm actually doing it, and to record how I feel afterwards.
Ashley- omg, SAME!!! I watch Heidi's videos and then my "recommended" shows other content about how avoidant people are evil heartless manipulators who need to be tricked or dumped. Wtf? First we deal with neglect, shame, and abuse, and then we're vilified in adulthood. Where's the compassion and understanding for us? We're trying to change and grow too! This is why I love Heidi's channel so much. She actually gets it.
I think of myself as anxious but much of this applies to me. This video connected a lot to how I wanted to please teachers who praised me for being smart and being a "good boy" who put others first, turned the other cheek, was "mature," and so on. I never had a chance to develop a healthy ego; I felt second-class and was praised for acting the part, because people assumed that I "knew" I was first-class or as first-class as anybody, but was being mature - rather than that I doubted I was even second-class and was yearning for some cosmic teacher judge parent to say, "He's been such a good boy, we love him, it's his turn now." Intellectually I could excuse parental figures, teachers who mailed it in, bad bosses, partners - but I was thereby preventing myself from feeling the pain truly, from caring enough about myself to stand up for myself and to be my own person who tried for what I wanted even if it meant risking failure. So progress has come from feeling feelings, - anger being the big one, I had not allowed myself to be mad. People thought I had been mad and then did away with it, whereas I had always skipped the mad part, because my understanding said, They have reasons. So being mad, or wanting something, or being sad about something - how to really sit with those things and not have them quickly transform into a "but what about that other person?" feeling, to keep the focus on me, and say, you are allowed to feel this, but it's up to you to feel it fully AND THEN decide what you are going to do about it, and that might mean erecting a barrier, withholding something, or even pushign back - that's been the growth.
I relate to this a lot. It’s possible to have an Anxious-Avoidant attachment style. I have it to myself. You desperately crave connection and approval while also being terrified of being vulnerable and letting people get too close
Thanks for writing this. It also resonates with me. Sometimes it’s confusing since I thought I’m anxious attachment, but I have somethings related with avoidant attachment. It made me feel understood by you
@gogogo13571 @SuzukiMiyo Thanks for commeting. I'd say I'm almost compulsively, recklessly vulnerable - like, here's my life story, here's what I feel, ... making it easy for others to take advantage of me - but your comment makes me wonder if I've got an extra "hidden" me that I don't let people into, maybe because I don't access it myself.
This was a sucker punch. You nailed me this whole video. You even got me on exoneration and neat boxes. I’m learning to feel again and it’s exhausting. This made so much sense & is really helpful.
I've adapted so hard even into adulthood that I have been trying to find the answer to "when did humanity break to the point of abusing children and why?". I don't know how to name my emotions. It's a rare moment when I actually know how I'm feeling.
The instinctive skill I developed to totally disconnect from my emotions under high pressure situations literally saved my life several times when being assaulted physically My mind was clear and I could react properly being fully immersed in the present moment I wouldn't for the life of me get rid of that skill, but I see how learning to get in touch with my inner emotional pain is needed in order to grow as an individual too
This is so much. Every fiber of my being, every cell in my nervous system, every instinct I have is viscerally repulsed by the idea of "feeling my feelings" in the moment. This entire video is 100% me. It's definitely going to be a very long journey for me because that cognitive override is impossibly strong and automatic. At this point, it feels even more natural to me than breathing. That's not an exaggeration. Well wish me luck as I attempt to alter my fundamental existence
Wow, and I thought I was some inter-relational wizard by understanding the psychological minutia behind every situation and adapting. It doesn't help my authenticity, but I had taught myself "not to make"(suppress) emotional attachments to things I wanted from others to protect myself when it wasn't given, which led me to be more open to their justifications of behavior leaving me to blame my feelings and tune them out for the sake of rational consistency and "keeping the peace". I'm learning just how much my emotions matter. I used to binge videos on "mastering" social interaction while subtly trying to escape that authenticity is key.
I think it's important to acknowledge that shutting down can possibly save your life in dangerous situations. My instinct tells me to not feel, and pretend like everything is normal in frightening situations. I believe it has kept me from being attacked on more than one occasion. When dealing with normal personal interactions I think what is presented in this video is a good, healthy practice.
I’ve been teaching myself everything I can about Attachment and healthy relationships for the last year, and you STILL blew my mind! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this!!
I think the hardest part for me isn’t feeling the emotions but changing my life to not be constantly experiencing the situations that illicit the emotions.
Your thinking is flawed. You're imagining yourself as a powerless victim of your emotions, entirely vulnerable to being swept up in their current and carried away by them. But the truth is, you can change your perception of a particular situation to be a positive one. It's NOT easy for most people and it sounds like total BS at first. But its absolutely true, you need to think of yourself as having control and being unbothered by negative emotions. Just let them flow into you and accept them as they are without running from them. Analyze them and doing so will separate "you" from the emotion. That distance will help you realize the emotion is not "you" and you aren't beholden to it. The emotion cannot force itself upon you unless you allow it. Like I said its not easy but I promise its achievable.
Well, that can be defense mechanism in and of itself. Many avoidantly attached people make a career out of structuring their days/weeks/months/years in a way that they will rarely if ever encounter triggering emotions. Its a very limiting endeavor. Life is messy, and control is an illusion. Your goal could be to slowly begin to let life unfold in a genuine way where every detail doesn't need to be structured, monitored, and intellectualized. Remember that avoidance of negative emotions are at your core and by removing yourself from every situation that elicits a strong emotion limits your growth.
Tapping has helped me a lot with processing my emotions, especially when they’re palpable and intense. Yet, I also often said, “I feel [emotion X] about [situation y]”, and I could even say, “and that feeling is at a 7 out of 10 in intensity” - while not feeling it in my body. I guess that pretty much illustrates what you just said. Interesting enough, oftentimes in situations like that Tapping on those non-palpable feelings still resulted in relief and a lower number on that intensity scale. Other times Tapping helped me with moving the palpable feelings closer to the surface. Your points about the effects of reading about psychology really rang true and fits very well with your earlier points about using our intellect to strategize and control as well. Thanks for your input, it was very enlightening!
A quote that strongly helped support my emotional bypassing was ‘never take anything personally’. It’s really been my motto for so long and I even felt empowered by it. I’m now understanding how that has greatly limited my life experience.
I think the issue with it is the absolutism of it - of course it’s good not to take *everything* personally, but some things are personal and pretending that they aren’t or that you’re unaffected by them is doing yourself a disservice
Unfortunately, it's become a trigger for me as it's often used when I'm in the middle of expressing my emotions. (This person made me angry) don't take it so personally. (This person went on a racist rant towards me today) don't take it so personally. (I didn't like the way you made me feel) don't take it so personally.
Aside from recognizing hostility, which I guess can be necessary, taking things personally really is the motor of people's suffering. It's a consequence of the central delusion addressed in modern forms of Buddhism.
When you can't feel the bad feelings you have difficulties to feel the good ones too. I learned that I wanted to feeel truly joyful from time to time. That's what convinced me.
Wow, if feel so relieved. I'm 57, been in therapy my whole adult life, am a Christian and have also spiritualized everything for 27 years and gone around and round and round Finally, Heidi, you give a clear path to healing (work required of course) on how to learn how to "feel." There is hope for me to unstuff them, get healing and live this life. I've lived like a cat, chasing it's tail. Thank you, Heide, for all of your videos. I've had Covid and have binged your videos and gained such tools. I can't wait to learn how to feel! ❤ You are a gift to the mental health of our world. 🌎!💕🙏God bless your journey, Heidi.❤❤❤
My journey with you, Heidi, started with the ENFP Survival Guide. I was suffering, desperately trying to find and fix boxes and analyze why the people around me do what they do, and yearning for the seemingly magical ability others had to just fit themselves in their own box and be happy with that box. Auto-accommodation and avoidance were my bread and butter, letting me believe without guilt that I was making progress and getting better. The other day I had an explosion, and all of the capped up neatly filed bottles of emotion exploded out of me and I was sobbing and apologizing and trying to explain myself, telling the family comforting me at the time that I didn’t know why any of this was happening. You helped me learn and understand the order I process and some of my tendencies, and today your healing work and dedication to authenticity (Fi for the win! 🎉) brought me to understanding my own anxious attachment, and there’s so much peace in knowing what was happening. I’ve been trying to do this work by myself, and feeling my own feelings in my body became a goal that I didn’t have the tools to properly do, like trying to pry trim off with my fingers instead of using a pry bar or a screwdriver. Thank you for the work you do and for being exactly who you are, because it’s seriously helped me see myself. You’re a reflection of the parts of me that have been desperately crying for attention and support and resolution, and what you do is powerful, and true. I love your path, purpose, and work, and deeply thank and appreciate you for helping to guide me forward along my own path of healing. Bless! ❤🕊️
I am in shock… I continue to believe I have an anxious attachment style, yet every single word in this video describes me. I feel in utmost panic, after all my psychology training, when I thought I understood what I went through and processed it, and it turned out I hadn’t processed a thing, nor Do I understand anything. Now I feel completely helpless. This information now is so spot on 😅. Makes me understand a little better. Thank you for that.
Thanks! The only thing I'd add to this is it's not a choice. I feel much more whole when i can feel my feelings but being emotionally unavailable to myself is beyond my control unfortunately..
Thanks for making this video. I’m avoidant, and I did therapy that did exactly what you described: helped me label and categorize every bad thing that happened to me, and helped me detach even further from the bad emotions. I genuinely found that helpful for my first stage of healing. But now I’m at the point where I really do need to feel the emotions, and I’ve never heard anyone else explain this so clearly
Just a quick thanks. I was not being a smart ass- I tried but never understood "feeling my feelings" either! So, I frustrated those who did understand it, no one could explain it to me, and I disregarded this and many other conventions. Thank you for being a Rosetta stone for me!
I am so grateful that I've found you and your content. You explain these topics in a clear, concise, and digestible way. I am learning so much. Thank you for helping me to realize a fully expressed life. The next step for this anxious-avoidant is therapy. 🙂
Thank you for being genuinely helpful rather than introducing latent exploitable vulnerabilities . You are an excellent speaker and lecturer (a rare combination) . This presentation actually has encouraged me to think better about the possible benefits of psychotherapy as a thing that could actually help outside of a clinical setting , when that is viably feasible . It seems to me that you have a good sense of how to helpfully use therapeutic advising and teaching practically , in a way that simultaneously brings me Carl Rogers , my father , and Clint Eastwood . ... weird , I know , but quite good ... also , a new conception of "healing by using 'Gorillaz' tactics . Keep up the good work . I hope you do well in your medical studies , clinical , immersive , and contemplative wrt your own life and with any children nor patients you encounter and meet .
I used to call it Intellectualization. Wiki has a bit different definition, but what you are talking about is exactly what McWilliams calls intellectualization: "Intellectualization is the name given to a higher-order version of the isolation of affect from intellect. The person using isolation [a different defense] typically reports that they have no feelings, whereas the one who intellectualizes talks about feelings in a way that strikes the listener as emotionless. For example, the comment, 'Well, naturally I have some anger about that', delivered in a casual, detached tone, suggests that while the idea of feeling anger is theoretically acceptable to the person, the actual expression of it is still inhibited." (c) "Psychoanalytic Diagnostic" page 127. But I'm not sure whether it is connected to avoidant attachment. I don't look like avoidant type (or even if I do, i'm far from extreme, there are tons of anxious features), but, coming from math to psychology, I extremely loved intellectualization for many years.
Thank you for this comment! I thought I was textbook anxious attachment style, but even in the middle of a frantic, anxious tirade at an avoidant partner, trying to get them to have compassion and connect, talking in great detail about my feelings, etc, I feel general intense distress, but not actually any of the emotions I'm talking about! And in general, as well as in therapy, I can talk and analyse feelings until the cows come home, but rarely feel anything. When I DO have real feeling well up, within a second or two I have said, "Oh that's interesting, there's sadness..." And the feeling instantly shuts down completely. Like magic. It's interfering with therapy - I'm 47 and not making any headway after years of therapy. Very frustrated. And realising that this is key. I need to figure out how to start feeling(I know - that irony of saying that I need to "figure it out" lol 🙄). I'm now feeling pretty confused about whether I'm genuinely anxious attachment style. When people are finally ready to offer me real intimacy, I feel for a few seconds, then shut down and just go through the motions. I'd love any insight! I'm going to share this in the main comment thread, too.
@@Look4beauty feelings are scary, since they are hard to control and impossible to predict. Unlike intellectualization. To start actually feel something is a risk (just like any new enterprise). I'm working on that for 15 years and hard to say if i'm happy with my results. Good luck.
The irony is that I'm an anxious attachment style that adopted avoidant style after becoming a therapist since it was basically a requirement to be able to do my job. Even when I feel that I am building healthy and secure attachments in my personal life, I have noticed that I shut down as a response to others sharing their emotions. How do I learn to shift these gears?
@@angiesizzlepants I'm not a therapist, btw.:) I think secure style is best suited for any kind of psychotherapy, and anxious is better suited than avoidant for some kinds (like gestalt). Even in psychoanalysis you can be anxiously attached, you just need not to show that to the client. But it a hard job. Can it be that you simply overcompensate your anxious-related habits and behave as the opposite - avoidant with clients? You can try to change to move to different (humanitarian?) approaches, better suited for your character. Or take less clients, or more "functional" clients, to make it less resource demanding and thereby easier to stand somewhere in a middle between anxious and avoidant behavior. Or wait until you personal psychotherapy will be enough to became more secure both with clients and in private life. I don't know what else to say.
Thanks! This really makes me want to go find a good therapist and finally start to understand how to process my emotions better and find out how I tend to respond and what I can’t see in my own reactions. Having someone to really listen to me sounds super helpful and something I really don’t have. Thank you for making all your great content 😊
Love your style of conveying your knowledge. Focused, logical, experienced! It’s obvious that you understand what you’re talking about and it’s super helpful 🙌🏻
This is a beautiful explanation. I wish psychologists were as competent to deliver information like this in person. They never explain anything over here, and the explaination when - it contains correct logical information is very valuable for patients like us trying to develop the logical - self awareness ourselves This gives us direct access to work on somatic sensory issues to free up wasted cognition through relaxation and flow states like journaling, stillness of motoractivity at the head level and eyes for concentration, reading books and accepting present emotional disturbances as feelings of stress and anxiety without much needed dialogue. And about the feel it to heal it line. A lot of people in this world seem to not know how to differentiate things or explain things very clearly as to clear up any confusions on the spot. One can simply tell someone to be aware of the physical sensation concentration and physical feelings within the body while they engage in light activities like watching videos and listening, or reading books, and even writing journals. And also tell people not to just start meditating , like actually give people participatory knowledge for specific activities like its homework. And Patients should even write down the definition and symptoms of their psychological problems as prescribed by the psychologist in a journal. Since when we write things on our own we are experiencing sense-making more intimately than when we just passively listen to speech outside of ourselves/control. Or like watch your thoughts in your mind and see how the thought effects the body and react to that.
Ok seriously, you're eerily in synchrony with my own recovery process with your last few videos. It's like you're following me though it or I'm following you through the conceptualization process before you film. I'm so incredibly grateful for this channel and for you Heidi. I can't tell you how important a role you're playing with my recovery lately. If I ever find a woman like you to share life with I'll be ecstatic and put a ring on it as soon as I feel comfortable that I'm safe. We need a whole lot more people like you in this world. Thank you for existing, you've shown me it's safe to have hope for a brighter future.
You're not the only one feeling the synchrony, and Heidi's not the only one providing it. I've seen similar comments on a lot of videos lately. I think we're all starting to get a little more in sync as we continue our work.
Thank you for unwrapping all the boxes and bows that i had put myself through at one time but am happy to share that maybe a bit of intellectual bypassing i did but was saved by my commitment towards truth about my past while just trying to be mindful as much possible to the present. CBT was a start of sorts but being true to your raw vulnerabilities and wounds is the best place to start and taking help from a therapist through medicines for regulating anxiety and sadness was a balancing way to stay afloat. And also avoiding interacting in person with people from the past who precipitated this style of anxious and avoidant style in me was helpful for a while until i feel at home with releasing and being at peace with discomfort which is a huge ball rolled up and repressed for so long.
Four minutes in and you've completely answered a question and confusion I've had for YEARS trying to figure out how I definitely have a dismissive avoidant attachment style, but do not ever consciously remember my parents as being "neglectful" or ever feeling unloved by them at any point. I completely thought that considering the circumstances and the intent of someone was the definition of "working through" something and with that knowledge, the sting of any emotional pain would lessen as long as I figured out it wasn't intentional. This was a mind blowingly brilliant revelation! Thank you so much! 🙏
This is not something I have ever heard talked about, and it resonated so powerfully with me. I've always leaned on Intellect and spirituality to navigate my 'untrustworthy' emotions. Damn, thank you so much. This was as powerful as hours in therapy, which I have done this year.
Thank you for posting. This is probably the most accurate description of what I have lately been calling "blockages." Because I am very cerebral and, at the same time, quite hedonistic, I don't easily process or feel difficult emotions easily. Grateful for your insights.
Another excellent example of Heidi’s genius is how she easily explains her message in a way that I can easily and completely absorb the information. Keep up the good work. 😊
Love the way you put things. I’ve been through the mill of therapy but avoidant was never addressed. In fact I never heard the term until I stumbled across your channel. Your material resonates with me more strongly than anything else I’ve come across. Thanks for posting.
Omg so that’s why I find these videos that label things so soothing! I’ve been listening to these types of videos usually to help me fall asleep 😂 This whole video really explains so much though.
Thanks Heidi. I have been struggling with exoneration. I thought figuring out the entire situation would help me cope, or bring me some kind of closure. Instead all it felt like was I couldn't be mad at my parents. That I wasn't valid in feeling the way I do about it. I am going to work on feeling the pain, integrating and accepting. Just this morning I think I already made the first step, and after watching this video I think I know how to move forward. It may be proof of my progress towards security, but I am generally not longer stoic with my emotions, but now I tend to over feel, especially with anger. Everyone in my life has seen the change, say I'm much more emotive. I'm on the road and You've helped me more than any other speaker on Avoidant Attachment. A huge help, GODSEND ❤
You're not gathering all the information you need if you're disassociated from your emotional state in a high pressure situation.....thank you! Its starting to finally make some sense.
I really needed this video. I'd always supress my feelings around others to protect myself because when I did express myself I'd be blamed for causing issues or always being angry. Now I know that my feelings are valid and now I'm working on learning how to express my feelings in a healthy way. Thank you ❤️
@@windysmith7367 Sometimes, sometimes not. When you develop sufficient concentration, you will notice that your mind constantly judges everyone around you for the stupidest reasons and when it doesn't do that, it shames you for falling short. This is going on 24/7.
This is the most insightful breakdown of this topic I’ve listened to and your delivery is absolutely astonishing. All of the signs resonated with me. Thank you for sharing
Holy moly! This is what I have been doing!!! I love you man, thank you for finding a way to discuss this. I checked articles, bought books, analyzed my own behaviour and used my intellect to "solve" the problems. I'm saving this video ❤
So much more nuanced and clearer than similarly titled talks. You are much better plugged in. I will be following you for a long time! Thank you!! Awesome emotional wisdom!
I think the same concept is called 'self-interruption' in EFT terms, and (the defense of) intellectualisation in psychodynamic theory. Great take on the topic, thank you for the video!
"I know what's going on and why so I am SAFE! You want me to FEEL the feels? Well shoot, here we go again..." Nicely put. It's easy to replace one issue with another when the ego tries to 'help'.
Lightbulbs. My brain is lit like an airstrip right now. Now I know why therapists commend me for my self knowledge, but I feel lost and helpless to change. Thank you for this video. I feel like you showed me the gate to my mind, that I could see from over the fence was getting choked to death with weeds and now I can tend to it.
I thought I was more of an anxious attachment style because I would get anxious over relationships. But I realized I would get anxious about it but never or rarely act on it. Watching this video really hit the nail on the head for me, especially with the finding predictable patterns portion. I learned why or what set my parents off and avoided it, and now when I come into conflict with someone my first instinct is to avoid what I had done immediately prior to setting them off, rather than ask them and open up a conversation about what upset them and how they felt and how it hurt me when they acted the way they did.
I see a blind spot in our avoidant pattern - when a person (boss, partner, family member, etc ) comes at us with an emotionally charged complaint we automatically write the person off due to their emotionality - with the emotional person degraded in our mind we can then internally ignore anything they are pointing out and therefore never feel the sting of it- thus not getting the benefit of that sting to move us to change the negative thing we may in fact do. Is another persons delivery of information (meaning if it has any amount of emotional charge with it) truly a reason to dismiss them and what they are showing us? We can definitely protect ourselves from being labeled as a “bad” person by simply writing off the person that has the emotional charge- but…in this automatic dismissal of people it takes us much longer to really see our negative part impact in relationships and grow to heal that. We can continue to protect ourselves by labeling all people that speak things to us with emotion as less than us. But that makes us the cold men we don’t want to be. It works in the moment, but is self Protection enough reason for us to miss out on the next more advanced healthy place? Which is to begin to validate ourselves and feel what we are feeling and needing in the interaction and then also the harder part , which is to validate what they are feeling and needing and do both. If we can do this we take the correct approach to come into a interdependent / win win relationship dynamic
There's only one way of doing it for your own mind in the long run, and it's facing it all, and be accountable, communicate, but only take as much as you think or feel is reasonable, but a complaints like performance issue or incident, since you'd know them better. Avoiding it, doesn't solve the problem where accountability gives good ground to be open for any criticism and be done with it. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks, people will always have their opinions, and if it doesn't help you, it doesn't matter. I know it may be tough, if you don't like it change it, but most people who don't have nice things to say or gossip is the reason it's just that. Depends, if it's disgruntled but kept to the point and it was me on the receiving end, I'd still listen but wouldn't appreciate it. Borderline anger with anything but the point I'd walk off both Work and family/friends. At work I'd take it as them not handling the pressure and stress, plus we're all employees, and supervision team leaders should handle it with ease, or work on it. This is something I noticed at work over the years where I found some people always deflected accountability, even some team leaders and it actually affects other people and themselves. I've been in a few positions where a problem came about and at times never resolved because the other never taking accountability and pushing blame. I still wonder why there's a fair number of men who deflect it, and there's some who still chase leadership roles or are in leadership positions and still struggle with accountability, yet worst case scenario is for incidents stood down for a couple days or a talk. It causes problems, and trust issues me personally. I'm a pretty understanding person, and I try just because I see why but when people openly show it doesn't matter yet act as if nothing was said, I can't be myself around the person. It's a dangerous job, we have to trust each other to watch each other's back, there's no trust or sense of security if there's no connection and it's difficult to hang around it when someone or a team leader doesn't own up to their own actions or quick to deflect blame on a group incident.
This is spot on how my boyfriend seems to be and based on his background and how he was raised it makes sense he reacts this way. Brought up avoiding emotions not able to express them and told boys don't cry etc. Never comforted and now seems to be defensive at anything even the kindest way to bring up an emotional topic causes defensiveness and I think you hit it smack on that some people don't know what to do when someone comes at them with emotions and tries to shut down the person and the other person's emotions and their own emotions and put the emotions in a box and ignore anything that may have truth because it's too painful to process. Then that slows healing and resolution.
I don't think someone emotionally lashing out at me is less-than. But I also don't have to continue dealing with them in certain ways, depending on what/ what for.
Definitely agree. In conflicts I always know that it takes 2 but I find it hard to fault myself because the other person's emotions seem so irrational to me so I can't fathom apologizing for my part in it. I know it's wrong but it's hard
I went from being emotionally detached to very explosive, during a relationship were my partner kept pushing me to talk and tell them how I felt and to talk a lot. I didn't left physically because I wanted the relationship to work but my partner would kept on expecting my emotions to come out that happened every time we discussed or had a fight. Until one day I couldn't stay detached and all my emotions overflowed me. I couldn't stop crying for hours and since then I am easily over emotional, it even lead me to self harm and panick attacks. Even now I am careful with it. I can't deal with high stressing stuff, specially when it's about my partner. Also it's so hard to understand my emotions even when they should be obvious to me, it takes me sooo much time to realize "ahh, I'm sad or angry". It's like my brain shuts down and I can't even think, but I'm getting better at it. This vid was really helpful. Thanks ♡
This video even less than halfway through was incredibly insightful. I've always been pretty stoic but until recently never made the right choices despite my calm demeanour. I realize now that what changed was that I had begun facing my emotions instead of burying them in intense situations. When you can see your emotions you can decide which ones can help your decisions and which ones can't. When you bury them you don't know how reliable your instinct or gut feeling will be, it's like not having instinct at all.
This is one of the greatest sources I've experienced on this subject! I know that I'm an emotional suppressor, but I always thought of myself as an anxious attachment person, and I didn't connect the one to the other. In my childhood I had one parent (dad) who was randomly, chaotically angry, and one parent (mom) who was consistently angry, but I knew how to negotiate her effectively. I think I grew up with both anxious and avoidant tendencies, which crop up in different circumstances. It's really neat to think that these traits are maybe bigger and more pervasive than just being about how I relate to my partner.
Totally with you, I'm the same way. I think she addressed this well in the video, but (like most things) this can be a trauma response. When you're at home, you can't really escape, so even if you feel negative emotions you can't really make a choice to avoid it, so you learned to not have them. Now, suddenly, your emotions can do their job because you're in a healthier place - if someone is being bad to you, your anger is a good thing because it tells you to leave. I'm struggling with that myself, and I don't know how much of it is my nature and how much is learned from 18 years of living at home
Your videos have helped our family more than any others. We've watched several. You have a great ability to explain things in an understandable, succinct, meaningful, and hugely helpful manner. Thank you so much.
Interesting, the more I watch your videos on avoidant attachment, the less I am sure about how much I lean avoidant. I do feel much better and more in control when intellectualizing emotions, but I don't have trouble not feeling them in intense situations. Its more that I have trouble feeling them when I'm not interacting with other people. I definitely learned as a child that displaying emotions in intense situations got me what I wanted. My mother is more anxiously attached, and if we fought and she was angry at me, me displaying a strong emotion would trigger her empathy enough such that we could 'make up'. In addition, being able to 'explain' my behavior to her while showing emotion would make her feel like what I was saying was more authentic. I also had to mediate between my parents a few times, so I got pretty good at translating back and forth between my father's avoidant intellectualizing style and my mother's anxious 'throwing emotions at people' style. When in an intense situation, I can flip on and off feeling emotion like a switch. Either mode is not fun to be in, and I am very focused on the other person, communicating to them. It feels like manipulation sometimes, even though I am communicating something real. When I'm alone, its a bit harder to figure out my own feelings. Maybe because my mind thinks that there is no need unless I have to communicate them to someone else to fix or build a relationship. Its like I think that emotions are for social purposes only. Weird.
I relate to this a lot too. I've used intellectualizing as a defense mechanism since I was a kid, and always felt it did me a great service. In my work (and day-to-day), I would say that it has helped me be more confident in dealing with conflicts with people. But... That is just one way to look at it. My confidence may stem from a place that's like "Gee, I hope I won't lose my temper, break down, or cause a scene now. What will people think?". I do tremendously well in those loaded situations: I'm able to keep my cool and focus on solutions rather than dwell in emotion. I feel it's like a superpower, and I don't feel like it's a bad mode to be in. There may be a catch though: I have yet to determine whether the intellectualizing will also kick in when I am seeking for an intimate relation with a partner. Not having gone through deep emotions before with my body/spirit, I wonder if my Thinking there too will prove to suppress my Feeling function. Just in case it might, I'm actually looking into tantric like practices and being mindful in the moment. Just so I can set myself up to use mind to explore the sensations of the soul and body. I'm rather curious to see if that will work. When I'm alone, I seem to be too preoccupied with life and hobbies to wonder about my emotional state. Maybe this means I'm happy/content as a baseline. I'm also just not seeing the point of digging deep into my feelings if I don't experience any extreme (dis)comfort.
@@mainservernot386 99% of the time I have found I am able to feel an emotion in challenging situation... one that challenges me emotionally and have felt said emotion and dealt with it with reason and felt the emotion ebb away without reacting from the place of that emotion. But intriguingly recently I learned a painful lesson which brought me here as I sought to understand it. I realised that within an intimate relationship where I had been doing the above in 99% of the situations I was blindsided by a unique situation where emotions welled up in me without being fully attuned to them and I reacted with sarcastic passive aggressive comment as way of expressing my emotional need instead of recognising it was an unfounded fear I was feeling... of course that hurt my partner and caused her emotional upset too landing on a trigger for her... ...but I didn't fully realise afterwards just how much hurt I caused and as she made her way to overcoming this with me it remained not fully resolved, the hurt not fully understood or recognised, nor did I fully realise just how I had followed the exact cycle of emotional reaction I had worked so hard to avoid and how the emotion signalled a reasonable need but in expressing it so unhealthy I had damaged the lovely trust we had shared until then. And then I repeated same mistake just as we were making progress to regaining trust and closeness 🙈 Which caused further hurt and may have been irreversible. It kind of shocked me when I realised that I too could lose my present mindedness to such a harmful extent to relationship where I had worked so hard in this area in the past and was able to feel, sense, understand & manage emotions to such a huge extent... ...now I am paying a huge price for this subtle pattern of emotion i wasn't attuned to that revealed itself to me recently for first time and I was unprepared for and unable to recognise. Hence why I am here and why Heidi's insights have been truly invaluable... helped me to express and go through with my partner what actually happened and how it was unacceptable for me to react in way I did... and it may yet be too little too late but at least I have been able to be radically honest with myself and her and will have to accept whichever way it goes from here and bring these lessons forward no matter what direction this relationship may take! 🙏🏽 One thing I have realised is I have a deep emotional need for someone is willing to go to same lengths as me to understand, forgive, and regain trust and a truly open heart once more... and the fear of not having this actually caused me not to be able to express fully or recognise my own emotional need in this way in time or in a good healthy way
Listening to your videos has helped and is helping me enormously Heidi. I had read about attachment styles but it wasn’t until hearing you talking about fearful avoidant that I recognised myself. I have volunteered on suicide helplines and prided myself on being able to remain detached and protect myself whilst listening to others’ trauma. I appreciate now that it is my avoidant side doing its thing. I recognise that energy coming up in me and dissipating which you describe. Thank you for being so giving of your knowledge. It’s making such a difference ❤
Wow! I've been in a therapy processes for 8 years. I am able to label almost everthing what is happenning in my head, just as you said. But you are the first who is telling me me not to "understand" but to "feel" my feelings. Thank you ❤
So very grateful for this insightful content. You are totally reading my mail, dear notaliscensedtherapist friend. Thank you for being so candid about the exact coping mechanisms that I need to recognize and rewire for greater emotional wellness and connection in my life.
Well here is another great video I'll be watching several times. I resonate quite strongly with the desire to think deregulating my emotions is cognitive strength. And wanting to believe that's a healthy way to deal with it. Over the past couple years I've been realizing that's not true, and have done some work to help my behavior show it's OK for me to listen to what I need and want holistically including my emotions. So this video hit all the thoughts right on the head and brought great clarity! Thanks! It would be cool if eventually you did an online class for each of the attachment styles!
Thank you so much for this video! I noticed a few days before watching this that I tend to research issues whenever I start to experience them. I then remembered someone saying that procrastination always happens because in some way, shape, or form, it serves you. I finally connected the dots and realised that I'm trying to avoid difficult emotions by researching them, their causes and (ironically) how to deal with them rather than just letting myself feel them. This video explains why that happens and helped me a great deal with understanding this better.
I've been trying to stay present with difficult emotions... and it has been hard for me. But your videos help me a lot, especially because they help me to remember to ACTUALLY do the work necessary towards healing. Thanks Heidi
Wow, as a fearful avoidant this makes so much sense too! I do both, sometimes I read to self-soothe and sometimes I can't bring myself to do that because it is too emotionally triggering. And the part about shifting blame is so relevant.
I am currently exiting a 15 year marriage with a covert narc. I have avoided my emotions for many years. Now that I am out of the house, the emotions are coming back. It hurts but feels so freeing. There are so many left that I need to work through, experience, and let go. So hard to do this, thanks for making this make sense.
Jdunk~ I am so glad you are exiting that hell and insanity. I too was married to a covert narc for 13 years/together 14, and I had to shut all of myself off. My emotions would pop up, strongly, about twice a year....but I had to numb myself in order to exist in that hell. I completely understand what you're sharing...the pain that you pushed down all those years coming up in unexpected ways and moments. I am almost 5 years out and it is hard, but like you said, it's freeing!! In my marriage, he was the only one allowed to get angry or upset. When I got upset, he'd rage and call my tears "manipulative ". 😢 It was a repeat (although way worse) of my childhood and upbringing, I pretty much married my parents~ a raging and emotionally detached father and an emotionally detached, enabling mother who's coldness towards my father sometimes turned on us kids. It was scary. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!!❤
I don’t know if you will ever know how helpful and important this information has and will continue to be for me. Thank you from the bottom of my soul.
Seems like all I'm worth is what I'm able to withstand... I thought that all of my learning about psychology and my family's trauma history was in fact actually allowing me to get over things, but I kinda see now it is an elaborate intellectual bypass dressed up as "processing everything" and considering all the self abandoning and pathological exoneration I still do, Im not sure how much of anything I've truly processes. All the healthy boundary setting and self compassion and justified anger and sadness that i shoved off into my shadow still exert a strong influence over my life and make me view myself as being too sensitive or being melodramatic or being a terrible, whiney person if I don't prioritize everyone else's interests over my own and just tolerate everything bad that happens to me or is done to me, like some sort of reverse hypocrisy where i hold myself to impossible standards of decency, good faith and kindness while cutting everyone else all the slack in the world and providing them all the understanding and accommodation they could possibly want. Long way to go yet I think...
This is me in every way. I’ll admit, these videos help to understand and intellectualize my issues. These videos soothe me, ironically. But like you said: that will only take you half way. Gotta feel to heal.
Very good tips. :) Sometimes I feel guilty for having difficulty connecting with my emotions because nothing bad happened in my childhood, so I feel like I don't have a gritty enough backstory to justify my character development. 😂
This resonates with me. I feel like i emotionally gaslight myself all of the time. Except i never referred to it that way. I interpreted it as, "ive been wronged, i feel hurt, BUT look how calm i am, how unbothered. Look how mature and healthy i am to not be having an emotional reaction right now. Watch how im using my therapy skills by not allowing myself to become escalated." Oof.
I must confess that discussion of the importance of physically feeling feelings can sometimes make me feel a bit hopeless. I'm a trauma survivor and definitely do utilise these bypassing techniques, but I'm also autistic and as such I have almost non existent interoception skills. For example I rarely know when I'm hungry, hot, cold or if I need to use the bathroom. I'm trying to tell myself that doesn't mean this work is impossible for me but I don't know where to begin. If you could do a painfully simple walk through of how to identify the physical manifestation of an emotion I would be truly grateful.
Internal Family Systems therapy might be a helpful approach for you. There are several demonstrations of this approach online with the founder Dr. Richard Schwartz performing it. Could help with some really emotional processing and returning to harmonious wholeness.
If I may ask out of curiosity and perhaps a sense of relatability too, if you don't know when you're hungry or need to go to the bathroom etc., then when and how *do* you decide to eat/pee/etc? I often sense a physical frustration and an annoyance with and short temper for my environment when I am thirsty and I need to pee at the same time while having some other task to fulfil, seemingly the two physical signals of thirst and a full bladder are somehow similar enough in my brain that I don't know which of the two it is and which I would need to do first and whether it is pressing enough for me to take a break from my task. Eventually I just go "you know what, I'm unusually frustrated at nothing, this probably means I need to pee and then drink something" and that fixes it.
Perhaps some body work would be helpful to begin returning to a felt sense of your body too. For me I did family constellations which I think is like psychomotor therapy (Bessel Van Der Kolk explains this in his book The Body Keeps the Score) and that helped start moving and shifting the energy around for me; then I discovered acupuncture and that helped unblock some channels of energy and feeling in me; and finally I found Alice Miller’s books which were the most helpful in unblocking me and allowing me to feel and start healing on a deep level. Things that help connect you to your right brain, sensations, etc. Bessel Van Der Kolk explains some other body-oriented therapies in his book
This has really helped me draw a line between a lot of seemingly contradictory advice that I was not able to understand. (And though understanding is not everything, advice is something I definitely need to understand before I can implement it!) Like you said, when people say to “feel your feelings,” but others say not to wallow in them or not to allow thoughts to spiral, and I can never seem to find any comprehensible definitions of what the differences are. Tackling this topic THROUGH the “intellectual bypassing,” rather than AROUND it, will help me out, as I now have a better idea of what I am doing that isn’t helping, and how the mechanism is automatic at this point. I particularly appreciate how you pointed out that experiencing your emotions does not have to include volatility and lashing out, which made me realize that was a preconception I had, based on a lot of people I’ve known. Thank you, and I’ll try to put your advice to use.
Wow. This popped up in my feed at just the right time. I've been on a rollercoaster with my family my whole life, but especially recently as I'm walking through my healing. This is me! I intellectualize it all and call in "processing". 🤦🏻♀️ And THEN, when I read something that hits me in my gut and allllll these emotions and pain come up, I'm like, "WTF?! I thought I had dealt with this!?!?" And then I assume I'm stuck or something is wrong with me! I emotionally reacted to my fathers rage & abuse when I was little, but then I learned from my mom how to shut off my emotions and just take it. I felt like that's what strong people did! Then I married a "Christian" narcissist. I was with him for 14 years and _his_ rages made my fathers rages pail in comparison. I learned how to shut off my emotions and just *take* it. Sit there, watching his meltdowns, him punching things, him cussing God out and flicking God off, him throwing things and breaking things around me, his road rage....many times on the outside I looked blank but on the inside I'd be screaming! Praying to God we didn't go off the road and die.... I am remarried to an amazing emotionally intelligent man~ he has helped me so much with getting in touch with my feelings. He is safe. The safest person I've ever known. I have this back log of experiences that I never let myself emotionally respond to. All of those experiences are coming up in spurts and I'm learning to LET IT happen. Let it come up. I'm reading the book "when the body says No" by Gabor Mate and as I was reading some of it to my husband last night, the crying started....then I was wailing through tears....the pain coming up and washing over me over and over. It's painful, but also cathartic. It's cleansing. It's like each time I allow this pain to come up and wash over me, it is me acknowledging that little girl in me who has been hurting for a looooooong time. I'm finally allowing her to FEEL. And it's amazing. Thank you for this video. I don't believe it's an accident that it popped up for me this morning. Maybe its God....maybe it's my phone spying on me....🤪 Whatever the reason, I feel completely blessed to be listening!! Thank you again Heidi ❤
My friend. That intellectualizing is processing. Just don't expect that you can fully remove vulnerabilities, I would argue that you should not even seek to do so. The stuff that hurt you in the past, will always be able to hurt you in the future. That's the nature of trauma. Intellectualizing helps us understand why it hurts, what triggers the hurt, accept that the hurt and helps us decide on how we want that hurt to impact our choices. That's what processing trauma or hurt means. The moment it fully stops hurting you haven't finished healing, but you've start denying.
Heidi, you're 100% right. If my mom would only let herself feel her negative feelings, she wouldn't let her partner behave so contemptuously towards her, she'd set proper boundaries. I just know it! When my friend and I (who have both struggled with fearful avoidance) chat on a deep level, I know that we've had a good conversation if either one of us tears up. Yes she's much smaller than me, but that doesn't change the truth: if I'm scared or overwhelmed, there's little that's more calming than giving up all my defenses and accepting her tight hug and any words of affirmation at face value. Especially since I didn't get that consistently as a child.
I thought I was textbook anxious attachment style, but even in the middle of a frantic, anxious tirade at an avoidant partner, trying to get them to have compassion and connect, talking in great detail about my feelings, etc, I feel general intense distress, but not actually any of the specific emotions today I'm talking about! And in general, as well as in therapy, I can talk and analyse feelings until the cows come home, but rarely feel anything. When I DO have real feeling well up, within a second or two I have said, "Oh that's interesting, there's sadness..." or some similarly central thing and the feeling instantly shuts down completely. Like magic. It's interfering with therapy - I'm 47 and not making any headway after years of therapy. Very frustrated. And realising that this is key. I need to figure out how to start feeling(I know - that irony of saying that I need to "figure it out" lol 🙄). I'm now feeling pretty confused about whether I'm genuinely anxious attachment style. I pursue intimacy from people incapable or unwilling to give it, but if/when people are ready to offer me real intimacy, I feel for a few seconds, then shut down and just go through the motions, completely unable to experience or enjoy it, or feel genuinely connected. One thing I've been trying for a while is, if I feel tears coming, and noticed that I'm moving to analyse and thus shut down the emotion, I try to backpedal and purposefully let myself feel the pain that's bringing the tears. I'd love any insight! Heidi what's your experience with people who seem anxiously attached in many ways, but also do this intellectual bypassing?
She 100% feels her feelings, otherwise they wouldn't BE feelings in the first place. The problem is that she isn't becoming cognizant of them, thus she's fully emerged in them.
Brilliant. I've had MANY failed relationships. Therapy for 30 years. NO therapist has zeroed on my attachment style. That's where the money is for me to have a chance at having a relationship with someone with a healthier attachment style than mine. I can't do it on my own. I'll look for a therapist who specializes in attachment style problems. As always, thank you Heidi.
This is so helpful. Im a fearful avoidant in friendship with a dismissive avoidant. Im trauma informed and working on myself also learning again to need again after complex grief complex trauma. My dismissive avoidant friend is so practical, rational, in control with rigid boundaries that it feels like im retraumatizing myself being vulnerable and authentic with him.
"You dont process emotions by thinking about the past. You process emotions by recognizing the moments in which the past is present for you" Im writing that down!
Tbh I sometimes see two versions like past (including fog memory) and present. It's quite confusing even if I label it
What exactly is processed? When you're sad, you're sad. When you're not sad, you're not sad.
@@MrCmon113 sometimes when I'm mad I later realize I'm truly sad. But that was like the initial display of emotions when it accumulates
@@MrCmon113 Good question. I think the point is that our emotions are a channel of our experience of life that deeply involves our body, and is an important source of information to make sense of life. So by ignoring what we feel we leave the values of things and their meaning not fully processed.
Which minute did she say this?
I'm an avoidant and just you mentioning, "what if I actually feel my emotions as they happen", instantly made my heart race and I started to be anxious. And my immediate response was no 😅
Yes. I'm 46, and for as long as I can remember I've been a "control freak" when it comes to my emotions. I can remember being a kid, and fictional characters like Mr. Spock and Sherlock Holmes appealed to me. I liked how cool, rational and "in control" they were under pressure in contrast to how out of control I felt when experiencing strong emotions...so I gradually trained myself to push them down. Now, it's so automatic that I've forgotten how to access my true, authentic feelings about things. Sometimes it's frustrating, but "intellectually bypassing" emotions is pretty addictive actually, because it's kind of comfortable hiding behind this wall I've built.
@travishairgrove3428 same! I relate to this so much!!! I'm like this when I comes to physical pain too! I just learned to keep it all inside because no one cares about my crap. We all got crap. I always joke that unlike other girls, I never thought about being rescued by the prince. I always wanted to be the prince 😂 I want to be the one in control, not the vulnerable damsel in distress
Wow, 100%. It makes me feel anxious and out of control just thinking about it .
Same here
LOL
I have always called this, “sterilizing the emotion”. Like when a biologist kills the bacteria so they can look at it under a microscope. Once it becomes an idea instead of a feeling, you can talk about it as though it’s happening to somebody else.
Love your channel, btw.
That’s hilarious
I’ve considered it neutralizing the emotional threat
That's a good analogy.!
Well you can't talk about something unless it's an idea
@@Heyu7her3 I might respectfully disagree. Feelings are not ideas., they are closer to sensations or "modifiers of state". Feelings only become ideas you discuss them in the abstract (rather than experiencing them).
I actually laughed out loud a couple of times at how accurate this is for me. Even my therapists are generallg impressed at my "self awareness"...at some level i think I've always known that my self awareness was a way to get out of actually feeling my feelings--and God forbid I ever cry or lose my cool in front of someone. Emotions have always felt like an embarassment to me. Starting to recognize that me not feeling my feelings has cut me off from living life.
"emotions have always felt like an embarrassment' omg this!!
I was watching this video on my tv and went and got my phone to reply to this ... But what you said is absolutely me and my state (and the commenter above too!)
Emotions often feel embarrassing, and having had some brutal experiences of embarrassment and rejection growing up, embarrassment is one of the most painful and unsettling experiences.
So to have that connection is ... Not great! Thanks for spelling this out. This was really helpful right along with this video.
There is no way of not feeling feelings.
Feelings are just momentary appearances. They aren't substances that are separable from you floating around in the aether. There is no "you" that's separable from your states of mind. You thinking that you have failed to "feel a feeling" is like a book saying "we skipped this sentence". Nothing was ever skipped, the notion of skipping is the sentence. The feeling of separateness, of congestion, of suppression or whatever is the feeling.
@@MrCmon113 I wonder why you feel the need to poopoo someone else's experience...I, personally, find the original commenter's words to ring true & express my experience too
Emotions have always felt like an embarrassment to me-wow thank you for this! This is me 100%
This made me realize that cbt can actually be harmful for people who lean avoidant because the therapist constantly tries to extract an explanation from you and that forced me to intellectualize everything for their benefit and my detriment. Then they go and say “oh we’ve made so much progress” even though I didn’t feel any better.
definitely this for me, I have always said that i intelectualize all my problems so much and I know how CBT works I can just do it logically but it doesnt actually "stick" or make me feel the actual emotional shift in any way
Thissss. CBT is counterproductive for me for this reason
CBT done well is noticing, labeling and processing and changing unhelpful behaviors. CBT isn't about intellectualizing and ignoring what you've labled. Explaining this here for people who may misunderstand what CBT is.
@@xiqueirai think what we were trying to say is that although we go through the motions and change said behaviors, some triggers or emotions do not stop from happening in the background although you keep applying CBT techniques over and over again. Almost like your body doesnt get the memo and your brain is left misfiring. Even though therapy has helped me tremendously figuring out things, meds is what actually lead me to live a less tumultuous day to day life.
But I do agree with your statement, its just a sticky situation to explain well. But somehow the "intellectualizing" part made sense to me although I have no avoidant attachment behavior, quite the contrary.
I feel this and avoided going back to therapy for over a decade because of it. I came back when I discovered Intermal Family Systems. Take a look on TH-cam if you haven't.
It's worth noting that a lot of times there is societal pressure to do this "intellectual bypassing of emotions". People are encouraged to "be stoic" and not "disturb the peace" by displaying your emotions too much.
I'm currently no contact with my parents, have been doing a lot of work surrounding trauma (childhood emotional neglect) that I didn't even know that I had, and I had to do this mostly on my own or in online spaces such as this channel, because most people around me, therapists included, would always want to focus on forgiving my parents for "doing their best"... Even when their best wasn't good enough. And I never got to hear that it is valid for me to feel angry that the best they could do is nowhere near enough for me, I had to process that feeling on my own, and I still need to push back hard against people telling me that it's not right for me to feel angry with them for that and trying to force me to deactivate. People suck.
The pressure to downplay feelings is sadly very real. That's really brave of you to take the space you need to heal and continue to stand up for your feelings. I'm so sorry that people are invalidating your rightful anger. That's extra messed up for a therapist to do. It makes sense to steer clear of people that tell you you're wrong for your feelings. My therapist told me that starting to feel angry can actually be a sign that healing is starting. Obviously, you can't just stay angry, but it's a sign those protective instincts are waking up. That allows you to make the safe space for other feelings like grief, sadness, etc. And then you can start to meet the needs you missed out on. Good luck in your healing journey.
YES. I was thinking this too around minute 23, with #5 and the tie it up with a bow tendency. It's not just vulnerability, it's self-defense because we're used to hearing "but you have to understand they are this way because..." and are put in positions of having to defend our right to feel hurt and that the harm was real.
They’re like that because they gaslight themselves and are in self denial themselves. It triggers them into facing themselves and because they’ve been taught they shouldn’t do that they try to make sure others don’t either. Or perhaps they feel like it’s too painful and they can’t do it so neither should you.
I felt a little frustrated when Heidi described avoidant people being eerily calm and thinking "this is about you and I don't need to feel things about it" when they're being screamed at because I've been given that advice so many times in conflict resolution. Especially in the work place. Makes you wonder who's writing those articles!
They are shoving their own feelings down and projecting that onto you.
“Even though you understand their trauma, it still hurts”. Such a great way to express a rational explanation to an emotional pain. Super for a super rational person like me
why would those experiences ever be opposed or mutually exclusive tho? I dont really see that...trauma is by nature painful and wll never go away. That's jus basic shit. I was explaining this to my mother and father when I was NINE. They laughed and continued abusing me.
@@elizabethbennet4791 people with a scarcity mindset see caring about people as a zero sum game. if their needs aren't being met but someone else's are, it can feel like the other person "took" something away from them so they'll come up with reasons to withhold care
@@xXx_Regulus_xXxpersonally it’s not “scarcity mindset”, it’s feeling like I am lacking integrity when still giving time/energy/ reciprocity to someone who has repeatedly shown me they are ok treating me like crap. How can a person feel in alignment with their values of how they treat others and want to be treated when they keep up a relationship with someone who demonstrates through their actions that they do not value or respect them? That’s not scarcity mindset, that’s consenting to being treated like shit, just because you know they had a rough go and are choosing to act out their garbage on you.
Same here, this part just called me out deeply.
I thought I was being more emotionally intelligent by handling issues with logic first, and emotion after. For emergencies, I still think it's a good mindset, but it's not as effective for long-term healing.
Thank you for covering this topic and for doing what you do!
I'm 10 minutes in and don't yet see any solid reasoning to perform an inversion in thinking. The whole point of being congisant of your emotions, especially when in a high pressure or emotionally charged situation is so you can think clearly. For all but experts at this, all it's going to do is sow internal confusion and doubt.
It looks like Heidi is conflating mindfullness practices such as those taught in meditation with a very unfavorable reading of stoicism - One where critics say its principals result in the dampening of emotions (as opposed to proponents who say stoicism teaches us to focus on our emotions and actions, rather than those of others).
The key takeaway is to be mindfull of the sensations that arise in the body and mind. The other stuff in this video ranges from less useful to counter productive.
The best decision-making comes from a balance of logic and emotion. Logic without emotion is a boat with nothing to steer it. Emotion without logic is all direction and no momentum. Ideally we would all employ a healthy balance of both.
emotions are thoughts from outside the prefrontal cortex. Logic is from within. By ignoring emotions, you're hindering your perceptive abilities.
@@6Sparx9stoicism has a modern incarnation that says what you name as an unfavorable interpretation
The logic of this neo stoicism is obscured, but it revolves around maintaining power and control by suppressing irrational emotions
These forms of logic and understanding the world spawn from abusive control mechanisms as highlighted by things like the BITE model of coercive control
When these forms of coercive control work their way into your mind, rational reflection can become totally consumed by rationalizing away the bad behavior and bad beliefs of an abusive power figure. In the moment it will feel rational, in reality it will be driven by powerful emotions and a logic imposed on you through coercive tactics (see again the BITE model)
People discussing stoicism in the public eye are most often espousing some form of this neo stoicism and do some from a perceived position of authority. Huge huge huge red flags. I doubt that the average person interested in stoicism does so from an academic standpoint. They most likely pull their understanding from influences speaking from a position of perceived authority, telling you to suppress your emotions and do whatever they tell you to do to avoid bad things happening to you.
This is phenomenal info! I thought stoicism was something to strive for. I can't seem to identify the emotion in times of high pressure situations and have learned to just say "I feel a disturbance in the field" and I get away from it. Later I feel horrible sadness or even rage. And I can feel it then.
Look up the School of Life's explanation of the philosophy of stoicism - combined with what Heidi's saying about feeling the feelings, I think it's a really compatible and helpful worldview
Disturbance in the field is a good description of the mental sensation of high stress.
I don't think you necessarily need to "feel the feelings" (whatever that even means) at the exact moment when they come. The world isn't safe and that can actually be dangerous.
Stoicism was the prototype philosophy that was convenient during a very volatile and unpredictable time. It's not useless today, but why would you strive for it in these much more safer times?
There's a disturbance in the force
Oh boy, that hit hard, you made me cry. I'm an old "forever alone" guy, and today I was ghosted on my dating app, and I felt empty and hopeless, but my way of dealing with the situation was browsing for self-help. I'm glad I found this video instead of one telling me what I wanted to hear. Needless to say, the video also made it very clear why I can't connect to people, and why paying for dating apps before working through my issues is wasted money. At least I'm at a point where I can admit that I have serious problems, that's already kind of progress. Thank you!
that is progress and its a lot of progress, you’ve done the hard part🫶🏾😊
No Human alive doesn’t have a story, None! This is where constructive criticism comes in & is very helpful & useful but most humans don’t want any part of it! Surely people over your life expressed their criticism over the years👉Check it out to see if it’s true; That’s a good start! Be gentle on yourself, as you learn to be humble & mindful
⏳🐛🦋⌛️
feel this way too - but you can't be rescued by someone or live in past relationships (if I'm being honest I have a limerent relationship where I still think about someone after 15 yrs) - I know I need to understand who I am and heal rather than find sanctuary in someone else's security or lack of it - you can be drawn to the idea of fixing someone because you recognise their pain.. it's dangerous to be responsible or have someone take responsibility for another person's happiness. Good Luck on your journey to self-knowledge and self-actualisation (not to society's expectations but your own).
Dating apps if you're men, is fountain of never endings fountain of depression. Delete it as soon you can.
But you don't have "problems" you have unprocessed emptions that need to be dealt with. You've done nothing wrong.
I love how she explains to me like I’m 5. “This is why you will benefit from feeling your emotions.” It makes so much more sense when she says it than when people get all sensitive and say, “That’s the beauty of life.”
Thank you Heidi :)
It's not to attack you,
Just like how you choose to lack understanding towards people and bring up sensitivity where it must be implying sensitive people are the problem. The video is on emotions, and its human nature to express emotions.
It just sounds like a conversation or something, and "The beauty of life" is just that, and however an individual defines it. Noones obliged to give you or teach you anything.
It's ok to be sensitive, and it's ok to not have tolerance for something one may not agree or appreciate, to be short or have a big speech on why someone doesn't really go far into things. Usually if people become disgruntled, or "sensitive" as you put it, is for a reason.
It takes effort, and for some a lot of it. If you expect people in life to explain so you just take it on and that's it, I can see why people could have low tolerance or be reluctant to go in-depth.
Things I found some people struggle with and always shows more at work is accountability, communication, and focusing on other people's business, when they probably shouldn't because it distracts them from themselves (unless its admiring/appreciating), and ego dominant and not realizing that it affects people around them.
I hate how she sounds as if she’s talking to a 5 year old, it’s so condescending
That's cool babe, but it's nothing. Nothing to me seriously contemplating suicide.
Now let's see Paul Allen's mental and social well being.
@@earth-air-water-fire-aetherits okay to be sensitive so im still gonna call sensitive people what they are
@@earth-air-water-fire-aetherook, some people like hippie shit and some don’t. Some think crying out with love is the best thing ever, some think it’s chocolate. Everyone’s got a different thing that floats their boat. Some people are more emotional than others, there’s gonna be a top 10 percent and a bottom 10 percent. You can be anywhere on the scale, but chances are someone with a place more similar to you on it is gonna have a mindset you relate to more. Like rn, I lol’d because you said not to attack and then said something that sounded like you were butt-hurt and said there are reasons people get sensitive. I don’t really care. I don’t mean that mean either. We just have different perspectives. I think you missed my point 😂 I’m talking about someone being kinda out of touch with their emotions, and then out of all the reasons to strengthen that relationship, picturing some zen hippie woman with flowers in her hair saying how it’s the beauty of life and the beauty of love. I think love is beautiful, but idk why the love found in a dad holding his child for the first time would roll over to someone deciding whether or not to do their taxes with an accountant or on their own. Heidi explains to people Ike me that let’s say I wanted an accountant, but thought I should do them on my own because they weren’t complicated enough for me to need one and I could do them jsut as well and might even profit more from it, that it’s ok to want an accountant and the fact that I want one because I’m stressed and had a long week and would rather just hire someone to file for me is OK and I don’t have to make my decisions by on if I technically could do them or not, or which pays the most, but can factor in how I feel in the moment too. I am moved by moving things. I am not very moved by people crying about moving things in a general way when the moving things are not actually right there.
15:48-16:02 "You don't process emotions by thinking about the past - you process emotions by recognizing the moments in which the past is present and feeling those feelings in the moment."
Whoa.
I like how I'm learning this information and immediately start intellectualizing it 😂 I'm like "ahh yes makes sense!" but still not letting it in on an emotional level haha
I’m like “oh yes, this makes so much sense. I will plan to go feel this in the woods later.” And then I won’t go because I’m too busy.
Haha yes… talk about irony
To properly intellectualise this information, the first thing to do is to ask whether or not it is true. And what if it is not?
Unfortunately, most of psychological ideas are not verifiable.
There is no need to start deregulating your emotional state based on some unverified theory, unless you really desperate and belive that potential benefits outweigh the risks
How else would you say that though? You said you're "learning" it, which is a cognitive thing and is why something would "make sense". Otherwise, that's a limit of language, not your problem
Made myself hold back tears because it would get in the way of taking good notes for my next therapy appt 💀💀
I very much identified with “exonerating” my parents for some of the things they did. In fact, my sister and I will discuss our parents’ inadequacies and failings and mutually exonerate them by saying things like “they did the best they could”. So, this video hit home to me. Thanks.
oooh I cant STAND those types people, ugh gross!!!! so common particularly among Boomers. Worst humans on earth. Just GROSS. My older half siblings are just like this. So gross and mediocre. Bland, lackluster people.
You’re lucky your sister sees things the same way as you. My older sister and younger twin sisters have a much different view of our parents than me, and kind of put them both on a pedestal. I was the middle child, often pushed aside because the others’ needs were more important than mine. I became very naughty to get attention, but it was negative attention and made me even more miserable.
Our mum sadly died in 2016 and afterwards, one of the twins told me she had often expressed guilt for how she treated me - but she never once talked to me about it and now it’s too late.
Our elderly father has recently moved south to be near us, having lived away for over 40 years - with two separate families, and although I love him, I’m just not prepared to make a huge effort to help look after him (he’s 94!) yet my sisters are fawning around him left, right and centre. Why?!! He’s done NOTHING for them or their children for all that time!
I’m even more of an outcast now, but I will not relent.
@@skippy7208 Good for you, stick to your guns! My mother told me a few years ago, "you have to help take care of me." She's 73, I said, I never agreed to that. I've been raising my children and with my youngest just turning 18 I have some down time before the grand babies come along. Why should I go out of my way for someone who has gone years without contacting me?
Meh what goes around comes around. When you're that age you'll wish for what you couldn't give lol
I did that too because I know they did. And they did ok. I'm still mad tho and I can feel it.
Processing complex trauma is so difficult. Either you become overwhelmed or push emotions down. Taking small steps, choices and communicating boundaries is key for me. Thank you 🙏
Thank you for this video. I always struggled with understanding why I wasn’t making progress with my mental health despite being so “emotionally in-tuned” and self-aware. I really was just over-rationalizing as a coping mechanism. “I don’t have to deal with it because I’ve labeled it” was so spot on.
I've had 20 years of confusion about my own behaviour.. despite extensive psychological and occasionally psychiatric examination. I refused to accept BPD traits as applicable because I'm not emotionally unstable or have an abandonment issue. I've overcome splitting through intellectualisation. Recently the idea of avoidant attachment with BPD made more sense because I do have emotional and abandonment issues I just detach so completely from them. This intellectual bypassing has led to some quite strange outlets for all the emotions I have hidden from myself
The tough love is much-needed. Hyper-functional, stoic behaviour isn’t everything. It's very easy to see oneself as a badass, unbreakable survivor and lose one's humanity and vulnerability in the process. And when it happens, it's the loneliest feeling in the world. Thank you for putting this into words.
Yes! The more I heal the more vulnerable I allow myself to be with others and that’s when TRUE connections happen
So true!!!
Well this video was brutal. I'm 43, I've been in therapy for 18 years now. I've battled crippling anxiety for most of my adult life. I thought I had made some great progress over the past few years as I thought I've been at peace with what I discovered about myself and my past, but still seem to have a very hard time still breaking a lot of my old emotional patterns. I just learned very recently that I have a strong avoidant attachment style (I had never heard anything about this), but this whole cognitive bypassing is something completely new to me, but is like an arrow on a bullseye. Every single point and sign you mentioned was like, 'yes, I do that'. I've always wondered why it seems that there were points in my life where I feel like I should have very strong emotional memories, but I don't. I started getting brutally bullied in 5th grade, and I never really ever discussed it with my parents (who worked most all of the time). But in my adult life, I struggle with anxiety still (and like having it spike at seemingly illogical times), but being able to always keep cool during times when I probably should be quite upset. And I have so many problems maintaining relationships (i.e. my ex-wife, as well as my current, both have anxious attachment styles), to the point that as I get older, I am getting quite fearful of this fact. So, damn, this was a shot to the chest, and even kinda disheartening. I'm not sure what to do now, as now it's me working most all of the time. But thank you for the info.
I'm in the same boat, friend. If you were in talk therapy this might be where you're getting stuck. Talk therapy is fine for some, but for eventually you have to let your body be heard (it's a whole different skillset and modality). EMDR therapy is a good place start, somatic therapy, anything that can help you to form a trusting relationship with your body again is the direction to head toward. CPTSD forces us to leave our body to cope, so coming back to the body can feel unsafe. It's tough but you can do it. I wish you so much luck.
You could also try to actively work on your avoidant attachment style, the good news is that we can all work on getting more secure, maybe that will get you to attract less anxious partners and you'd be able to understand them better and make things work relationship wise, never lose hope, we're all in this together, what's important is that you're actively trying and working on yourself!
I highly recommend looking into ideal Parental protocol
Read the book Attached and journal about any feelings thoughts or insights that come up
I've actually been watching your videos as a way to bypass my emotions. I hold you responsible.
LOL ME TOO 😂❤
Same! 🤣🤣🤣
"the reason why this is important is because you are not gathering all the information you need, if you are dissociated from your emotional state in a high-pressure situation"
I like how you put this. I tend to feel annoyed by "you need to feel your feelings" because uhhh why, I don't like to feel them and I don't feel like it's necessary. But the reason of 'gathering information' is speaking so directly to my strong need of _understanding_ things that suddenly feeling my feelings is starting to actually sound a bit like a thing that could be helpful to learn. Huh, interesting.
I'm two years into No Contact with n-ex and narc parents and just beginning to Stop intellectually By-passing my FEELINGS. It's been super crazy at first. It felt like I was regressing because emotions would just carry me away after achieving calm for months.
But that is progress, I soon discovered. Now I cry a bit every day and have learned to sit with deeper pain coming up. To me that is healing! Thank you Heidi
You're right, you are healing. You're processing and healing
I agree with what you said, that IS healing , but also worth thinking about whether community/friendships/family can be there, or listen when you get upset. Some people find theere is more healing when you get upset with a good listener, as opposed to in solitude. I suppose both are healthy though 👍
So glad that you are progressing on ur healing journey ❤
I laughed when you said researching the psychology behind it can be soothing, as I was being soothed by this video
Heidi, I'm gonna ask you to stop knowing me more than I know myself LOL. Your videos articulate these complex concepts SO well and they are so accurate. I'm so glad I found your channel, its been helping me so much. You are an incredible, underrated gem!
I spotted this today. Tension in my head,not able to feel and this burning compulsion, it's horrible. While walking l was fully in touch with my feelings and was able to connect them with the original pain. How did I even survive. Feels like crawling thru a sewer pipe. Intellectual bypassing, ok. I love how articulate you are. Thanks
Scarry, inst it
3 minutes in and this is EXACTLY the video i’ve been looking for. it seems no one talks deeply about avoidant attachment styles it’s only anxious that i’ve seen. I just learned im a fearful avoidant and can’t find any information to understand myself more and work towards healing. Its definitely worse seeing videos from an anxious perspective like, “how to cope with an avoidant partner.” to me the title implies that it’s our fault we are the way we are and we’re not trying to grow and change like everyone else is. thank you so much for this video!
well, a lot of avoidants... avoid, growing and changing. This is why we are demonized.
What's worked for me has been spending time writing out why I am the way I am through journaling, finding healthy relationships to emulate.
Also, maybe most important: find at least 3 people you can trust. Make yourself talk with them about your issues and problems, your hangups and trauma. Let them know it's an exercise in trying to overcome some of your issues, and ask them if they'd be willing to help. It's painful to force yourself there, but if you've got a couple of halfway decent friends, they'll listen willingly. Don't worry, you're not burdening them. Ignore that voice in your head saying you are, it's a lie.
When you feel overwhelmed, call one of those 3 friends, and talk to them about it. Tell them you're overwhelmed, and you need a friend to talk to for a minute. I guarantee they'll be happy to, and when you're done, thank them, and let them know how much you appreciate it, and that you're there if they need you too. You'll feel better. I use a journal to keep track of this, make sure I'm actually doing it, and to record how I feel afterwards.
Ashley- omg, SAME!!! I watch Heidi's videos and then my "recommended" shows other content about how avoidant people are evil heartless manipulators who need to be tricked or dumped. Wtf? First we deal with neglect, shame, and abuse, and then we're vilified in adulthood. Where's the compassion and understanding for us? We're trying to change and grow too! This is why I love Heidi's channel so much. She actually gets it.
There's lots. Not as many as AP but definitely still a lot.
I think of myself as anxious but much of this applies to me. This video connected a lot to how I wanted to please teachers who praised me for being smart and being a "good boy" who put others first, turned the other cheek, was "mature," and so on. I never had a chance to develop a healthy ego; I felt second-class and was praised for acting the part, because people assumed that I "knew" I was first-class or as first-class as anybody, but was being mature - rather than that I doubted I was even second-class and was yearning for some cosmic teacher judge parent to say, "He's been such a good boy, we love him, it's his turn now." Intellectually I could excuse parental figures, teachers who mailed it in, bad bosses, partners - but I was thereby preventing myself from feeling the pain truly, from caring enough about myself to stand up for myself and to be my own person who tried for what I wanted even if it meant risking failure. So progress has come from feeling feelings, - anger being the big one, I had not allowed myself to be mad. People thought I had been mad and then did away with it, whereas I had always skipped the mad part, because my understanding said, They have reasons. So being mad, or wanting something, or being sad about something - how to really sit with those things and not have them quickly transform into a "but what about that other person?" feeling, to keep the focus on me, and say, you are allowed to feel this, but it's up to you to feel it fully AND THEN decide what you are going to do about it, and that might mean erecting a barrier, withholding something, or even pushign back - that's been the growth.
This really resonates with me. Thank you for writing this comment!
@@victtayl Thanks for writing back - it felt good to put it out there but even better to feel heard!
I relate to this a lot. It’s possible to have an Anxious-Avoidant attachment style. I have it to myself. You desperately crave connection and approval while also being terrified of being vulnerable and letting people get too close
Thanks for writing this. It also resonates with me. Sometimes it’s confusing since I thought I’m anxious attachment, but I have somethings related with avoidant attachment. It made me feel understood by you
@gogogo13571 @SuzukiMiyo Thanks for commeting. I'd say I'm almost compulsively, recklessly vulnerable - like, here's my life story, here's what I feel, ... making it easy for others to take advantage of me - but your comment makes me wonder if I've got an extra "hidden" me that I don't let people into, maybe because I don't access it myself.
This was a sucker punch. You nailed me this whole video. You even got me on exoneration and neat boxes. I’m learning to feel again and it’s exhausting. This made so much sense & is really helpful.
I've adapted so hard even into adulthood that I have been trying to find the answer to "when did humanity break to the point of abusing children and why?". I don't know how to name my emotions. It's a rare moment when I actually know how I'm feeling.
The instinctive skill I developed to totally disconnect from my emotions under high pressure situations literally saved my life several times when being assaulted physically
My mind was clear and I could react properly being fully immersed in the present moment
I wouldn't for the life of me get rid of that skill, but I see how learning to get in touch with my inner emotional pain is needed in order to grow as an individual too
same here, i always thought its my adhd
This is so much. Every fiber of my being, every cell in my nervous system, every instinct I have is viscerally repulsed by the idea of "feeling my feelings" in the moment. This entire video is 100% me. It's definitely going to be a very long journey for me because that cognitive override is impossibly strong and automatic. At this point, it feels even more natural to me than breathing. That's not an exaggeration. Well wish me luck as I attempt to alter my fundamental existence
I don’t know how the algorithm diagnosed me, but no one has ever addressed my exact issues so clearly.
Thank you. ❤
Fr
Wow, and I thought I was some inter-relational wizard by understanding the psychological minutia behind every situation and adapting. It doesn't help my authenticity, but I had taught myself "not to make"(suppress) emotional attachments to things I wanted from others to protect myself when it wasn't given, which led me to be more open to their justifications of behavior leaving me to blame my feelings and tune them out for the sake of rational consistency and "keeping the peace".
I'm learning just how much my emotions matter. I used to binge videos on "mastering" social interaction while subtly trying to escape that authenticity is key.
I think it's important to acknowledge that shutting down can possibly save your life in dangerous situations. My instinct tells me to not feel, and pretend like everything is normal in frightening situations. I believe it has kept me from being attacked on more than one occasion. When dealing with normal personal interactions I think what is presented in this video is a good, healthy practice.
I’ve been teaching myself everything I can about Attachment and healthy relationships for the last year, and you STILL blew my mind! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this!!
I think the hardest part for me isn’t feeling the emotions but changing my life to not be constantly experiencing the situations that illicit the emotions.
Your thinking is flawed. You're imagining yourself as a powerless victim of your emotions, entirely vulnerable to being swept up in their current and carried away by them. But the truth is, you can change your perception of a particular situation to be a positive one. It's NOT easy for most people and it sounds like total BS at first. But its absolutely true, you need to think of yourself as having control and being unbothered by negative emotions. Just let them flow into you and accept them as they are without running from them. Analyze them and doing so will separate "you" from the emotion. That distance will help you realize the emotion is not "you" and you aren't beholden to it. The emotion cannot force itself upon you unless you allow it. Like I said its not easy but I promise its achievable.
@@whirlwind872What a judgmental thing to say, as well as jumping to a lot of conclusions that had nothing to do with what OP said.
Well, that can be defense mechanism in and of itself. Many avoidantly attached people make a career out of structuring their days/weeks/months/years in a way that they will rarely if ever encounter triggering emotions. Its a very limiting endeavor. Life is messy, and control is an illusion. Your goal could be to slowly begin to let life unfold in a genuine way where every detail doesn't need to be structured, monitored, and intellectualized. Remember that avoidance of negative emotions are at your core and by removing yourself from every situation that elicits a strong emotion limits your growth.
Tapping has helped me a lot with processing my emotions, especially when they’re palpable and intense. Yet, I also often said, “I feel [emotion X] about [situation y]”, and I could even say, “and that feeling is at a 7 out of 10 in intensity” - while not feeling it in my body. I guess that pretty much illustrates what you just said. Interesting enough, oftentimes in situations like that Tapping on those non-palpable feelings still resulted in relief and a lower number on that intensity scale. Other times Tapping helped me with moving the palpable feelings closer to the surface.
Your points about the effects of reading about psychology really rang true and fits very well with your earlier points about using our intellect to strategize and control as well.
Thanks for your input, it was very enlightening!
Oh my gosh this has cleared so much in my head about what is healthy and what isn’t! Thank you!! I cannot express how insightful this is.
A quote that strongly helped support my emotional bypassing was ‘never take anything personally’. It’s really been my motto for so long and I even felt empowered by it. I’m now understanding how that has greatly limited my life experience.
You shouldn't take everything personally
I don’t think that’s a useless statement. It seems like maybe you should say that after feeling the feelings
I think the issue with it is the absolutism of it - of course it’s good not to take *everything* personally, but some things are personal and pretending that they aren’t or that you’re unaffected by them is doing yourself a disservice
Unfortunately, it's become a trigger for me as it's often used when I'm in the middle of expressing my emotions. (This person made me angry) don't take it so personally. (This person went on a racist rant towards me today) don't take it so personally. (I didn't like the way you made me feel) don't take it so personally.
Aside from recognizing hostility, which I guess can be necessary, taking things personally really is the motor of people's suffering. It's a consequence of the central delusion addressed in modern forms of Buddhism.
When you can't feel the bad feelings you have difficulties to feel the good ones too. I learned that I wanted to feeel truly joyful from time to time. That's what convinced me.
Wow, if feel so relieved. I'm 57, been in therapy my whole adult life, am a Christian and have also spiritualized everything for 27 years and gone around and round and round
Finally, Heidi, you give a clear path to healing (work required of course) on how to learn how to "feel." There is hope for me to unstuff them, get healing and live this life.
I've lived like a cat, chasing it's tail.
Thank you, Heide, for all of your videos.
I've had Covid and have binged your videos and gained such tools. I can't wait to learn how to feel! ❤
You are a gift to the mental health of our world. 🌎!💕🙏God bless your journey, Heidi.❤❤❤
My journey with you, Heidi, started with the ENFP Survival Guide. I was suffering, desperately trying to find and fix boxes and analyze why the people around me do what they do, and yearning for the seemingly magical ability others had to just fit themselves in their own box and be happy with that box. Auto-accommodation and avoidance were my bread and butter, letting me believe without guilt that I was making progress and getting better. The other day I had an explosion, and all of the capped up neatly filed bottles of emotion exploded out of me and I was sobbing and apologizing and trying to explain myself, telling the family comforting me at the time that I didn’t know why any of this was happening. You helped me learn and understand the order I process and some of my tendencies, and today your healing work and dedication to authenticity (Fi for the win! 🎉) brought me to understanding my own anxious attachment, and there’s so much peace in knowing what was happening. I’ve been trying to do this work by myself, and feeling my own feelings in my body became a goal that I didn’t have the tools to properly do, like trying to pry trim off with my fingers instead of using a pry bar or a screwdriver. Thank you for the work you do and for being exactly who you are, because it’s seriously helped me see myself. You’re a reflection of the parts of me that have been desperately crying for attention and support and resolution, and what you do is powerful, and true. I love your path, purpose, and work, and deeply thank and appreciate you for helping to guide me forward along my own path of healing. Bless! ❤🕊️
I am in shock… I continue to believe I have an anxious attachment style, yet every single word in this video describes me. I feel in utmost panic, after all my psychology training, when I thought I understood what I went through and processed it, and it turned out I hadn’t processed a thing, nor Do I understand anything. Now I feel completely helpless. This information now is so spot on 😅. Makes me understand a little better. Thank you for that.
I feel the same way 💕
Thanks! The only thing I'd add to this is it's not a choice. I feel much more whole when i can feel my feelings but being emotionally unavailable to myself is beyond my control unfortunately..
Thanks for making this video. I’m avoidant, and I did therapy that did exactly what you described: helped me label and categorize every bad thing that happened to me, and helped me detach even further from the bad emotions. I genuinely found that helpful for my first stage of healing. But now I’m at the point where I really do need to feel the emotions, and I’ve never heard anyone else explain this so clearly
Just a quick thanks. I was not being a smart ass- I tried but never understood "feeling my feelings" either! So, I frustrated those who did understand it, no one could explain it to me, and I disregarded this and many other conventions. Thank you for being a Rosetta stone for me!
I am so grateful that I've found you and your content. You explain these topics in a clear, concise, and digestible way. I am learning so much. Thank you for helping me to realize a fully expressed life. The next step for this anxious-avoidant is therapy. 🙂
Thank you for being genuinely helpful rather than introducing latent exploitable vulnerabilities .
You are an excellent speaker and lecturer (a rare combination) .
This presentation actually has encouraged me to think better about the possible benefits of psychotherapy as a thing that could actually help outside of a clinical setting , when that is viably feasible . It seems to me that you have a good sense of how to helpfully use therapeutic advising and teaching practically , in a way that simultaneously brings me Carl Rogers , my father , and Clint Eastwood . ... weird , I know , but quite good ... also , a new conception of "healing by using 'Gorillaz' tactics .
Keep up the good work . I hope you do well in your medical studies , clinical , immersive , and contemplative wrt your own life and with any children nor patients you encounter and meet .
I used to call it Intellectualization. Wiki has a bit different definition, but what you are talking about is exactly what McWilliams calls intellectualization:
"Intellectualization is the name given to a higher-order version of the isolation of affect from intellect. The person using isolation [a different defense] typically reports that they have no feelings, whereas the one who intellectualizes talks about feelings in a way that strikes the listener as emotionless. For example, the comment, 'Well, naturally I have some anger about that', delivered in a casual, detached tone, suggests that while the idea of feeling anger is theoretically acceptable to the person, the actual expression of it is still inhibited."
(c) "Psychoanalytic Diagnostic" page 127.
But I'm not sure whether it is connected to avoidant attachment. I don't look like avoidant type (or even if I do, i'm far from extreme, there are tons of anxious features), but, coming from math to psychology, I extremely loved intellectualization for many years.
Thank you for this comment! I thought I was textbook anxious attachment style, but even in the middle of a frantic, anxious tirade at an avoidant partner, trying to get them to have compassion and connect, talking in great detail about my feelings, etc, I feel general intense distress, but not actually any of the emotions I'm talking about!
And in general, as well as in therapy, I can talk and analyse feelings until the cows come home, but rarely feel anything.
When I DO have real feeling well up, within a second or two I have said, "Oh that's interesting, there's sadness..." And the feeling instantly shuts down completely. Like magic.
It's interfering with therapy - I'm 47 and not making any headway after years of therapy. Very frustrated. And realising that this is key. I need to figure out how to start feeling(I know - that irony of saying that I need to "figure it out" lol 🙄).
I'm now feeling pretty confused about whether I'm genuinely anxious attachment style.
When people are finally ready to offer me real intimacy, I feel for a few seconds, then shut down and just go through the motions.
I'd love any insight!
I'm going to share this in the main comment thread, too.
@@Look4beauty feelings are scary, since they are hard to control and impossible to predict. Unlike intellectualization. To start actually feel something is a risk (just like any new enterprise). I'm working on that for 15 years and hard to say if i'm happy with my results. Good luck.
@@alanklm thank you. Good luck to you, too!
The irony is that I'm an anxious attachment style that adopted avoidant style after becoming a therapist since it was basically a requirement to be able to do my job. Even when I feel that I am building healthy and secure attachments in my personal life, I have noticed that I shut down as a response to others sharing their emotions. How do I learn to shift these gears?
@@angiesizzlepants
I'm not a therapist, btw.:)
I think secure style is best suited for any kind of psychotherapy, and anxious is better suited than avoidant for some kinds (like gestalt). Even in psychoanalysis you can be anxiously attached, you just need not to show that to the client. But it a hard job. Can it be that you simply overcompensate your anxious-related habits and behave as the opposite - avoidant with clients?
You can try to change to move to different (humanitarian?) approaches, better suited for your character. Or take less clients, or more "functional" clients, to make it less resource demanding and thereby easier to stand somewhere in a middle between anxious and avoidant behavior. Or wait until you personal psychotherapy will be enough to became more secure both with clients and in private life. I don't know what else to say.
Thanks! This really makes me want to go find a good therapist and finally start to understand how to process my emotions better and find out how I tend to respond and what I can’t see in my own reactions. Having someone to really listen to me sounds super helpful and something I really don’t have. Thank you for making all your great content 😊
Love your style of conveying your knowledge. Focused, logical, experienced! It’s obvious that you understand what you’re talking about and it’s super helpful 🙌🏻
This is a beautiful explanation. I wish psychologists were as competent to deliver information like this in person. They never explain anything over here, and the explaination when - it contains correct logical information is very valuable for patients like us trying to develop the logical - self awareness ourselves
This gives us direct access to work on somatic sensory issues to free up wasted cognition through relaxation and flow states like journaling, stillness of motoractivity at the head level and eyes for concentration, reading books and accepting present emotional disturbances as feelings of stress and anxiety without much needed dialogue.
And about the feel it to heal it line. A lot of people in this world seem to not know how to differentiate things or explain things very clearly as to clear up any confusions on the spot. One can simply tell someone to be aware of the physical sensation concentration and physical feelings within the body while they engage in light activities like watching videos and listening, or reading books, and even writing journals.
And also tell people not to just start meditating , like actually give people participatory knowledge for specific activities like its homework. And Patients should even write down the definition and symptoms of their psychological problems as prescribed by the psychologist in a journal. Since when we write things on our own we are experiencing sense-making more intimately than when we just passively listen to speech outside of ourselves/control.
Or like watch your thoughts in your mind and see how the thought effects the body and react to that.
Ok seriously, you're eerily in synchrony with my own recovery process with your last few videos. It's like you're following me though it or I'm following you through the conceptualization process before you film. I'm so incredibly grateful for this channel and for you Heidi. I can't tell you how important a role you're playing with my recovery lately. If I ever find a woman like you to share life with I'll be ecstatic and put a ring on it as soon as I feel comfortable that I'm safe. We need a whole lot more people like you in this world. Thank you for existing, you've shown me it's safe to have hope for a brighter future.
You're not the only one feeling the synchrony, and Heidi's not the only one providing it. I've seen similar comments on a lot of videos lately. I think we're all starting to get a little more in sync as we continue our work.
In therapy they call it the parallel process.
Thank you for unwrapping all the boxes and bows that i had put myself through at one time but am happy to share that maybe a bit of intellectual bypassing i did but was saved by my commitment towards truth about my past while just trying to be mindful as much possible to the present. CBT was a start of sorts but being true to your raw vulnerabilities and wounds is the best place to start and taking help from a therapist through medicines for regulating anxiety and sadness was a balancing way to stay afloat. And also avoiding interacting in person with people from the past who precipitated this style of anxious and avoidant style in me was helpful for a while until i feel at home with releasing and being at peace with discomfort which is a huge ball rolled up and repressed for so long.
Four minutes in and you've completely answered a question and confusion I've had for YEARS trying to figure out how I definitely have a dismissive avoidant attachment style, but do not ever consciously remember my parents as being "neglectful" or ever feeling unloved by them at any point.
I completely thought that considering the circumstances and the intent of someone was the definition of "working through" something and with that knowledge, the sting of any emotional pain would lessen as long as I figured out it wasn't intentional.
This was a mind blowingly brilliant revelation! Thank you so much! 🙏
This is not something I have ever heard talked about, and it resonated so powerfully with me. I've always leaned on Intellect and spirituality to navigate my 'untrustworthy' emotions. Damn, thank you so much. This was as powerful as hours in therapy, which I have done this year.
Thank you for posting. This is probably the most accurate description of what I have lately been calling "blockages." Because I am very cerebral and, at the same time, quite hedonistic, I don't easily process or feel difficult emotions easily. Grateful for your insights.
Another excellent example of Heidi’s genius is how she easily explains her message in a way that I can easily and completely absorb the information. Keep up the good work. 😊
Love the way you put things. I’ve been through the mill of therapy but avoidant was never addressed. In fact I never heard the term until I stumbled across your channel. Your material resonates with me more strongly than anything else I’ve come across. Thanks for posting.
Omg so that’s why I find these videos that label things so soothing! I’ve been listening to these types of videos usually to help me fall asleep 😂 This whole video really explains so much though.
Thanks Heidi. I have been struggling with exoneration. I thought figuring out the entire situation would help me cope, or bring me some kind of closure. Instead all it felt like was I couldn't be mad at my parents. That I wasn't valid in feeling the way I do about it. I am going to work on feeling the pain, integrating and accepting. Just this morning I think I already made the first step, and after watching this video I think I know how to move forward. It may be proof of my progress towards security, but I am generally not longer stoic with my emotions, but now I tend to over feel, especially with anger. Everyone in my life has seen the change, say I'm much more emotive. I'm on the road and You've helped me more than any other speaker on Avoidant Attachment. A huge help, GODSEND ❤
You're not gathering all the information you need if you're disassociated from your emotional state in a high pressure situation.....thank you! Its starting to finally make some sense.
I really needed this video. I'd always supress my feelings around others to protect myself because when I did express myself I'd be blamed for causing issues or always being angry.
Now I know that my feelings are valid and now I'm working on learning how to express my feelings in a healthy way. Thank you ❤️
Yes, they are valid. We have to learn what our feelings are telling us. It’s information to help us.
@@windysmith7367
Sometimes, sometimes not. When you develop sufficient concentration, you will notice that your mind constantly judges everyone around you for the stupidest reasons and when it doesn't do that, it shames you for falling short. This is going on 24/7.
This is the most insightful breakdown of this topic I’ve listened to and your delivery is absolutely astonishing. All of the signs resonated with me. Thank you for sharing
Holy moly! This is what I have been doing!!! I love you man, thank you for finding a way to discuss this. I checked articles, bought books, analyzed my own behaviour and used my intellect to "solve" the problems. I'm saving this video ❤
So much more nuanced and clearer than similarly titled talks. You are much better plugged in.
I will be following you for a long time! Thank you!! Awesome emotional wisdom!
I think the same concept is called 'self-interruption' in EFT terms, and (the defense of) intellectualisation in psychodynamic theory. Great take on the topic, thank you for the video!
"I know what's going on and why so I am SAFE! You want me to FEEL the feels? Well shoot, here we go again..."
Nicely put. It's easy to replace one issue with another when the ego tries to 'help'.
You are so on point about all the content you put out and well timed. Thank you for supporting me in my healing journey ❤️
Lightbulbs. My brain is lit like an airstrip right now. Now I know why therapists commend me for my self knowledge, but I feel lost and helpless to change. Thank you for this video. I feel like you showed me the gate to my mind, that I could see from over the fence was getting choked to death with weeds and now I can tend to it.
I thought I was more of an anxious attachment style because I would get anxious over relationships. But I realized I would get anxious about it but never or rarely act on it.
Watching this video really hit the nail on the head for me, especially with the finding predictable patterns portion. I learned why or what set my parents off and avoided it, and now when I come into conflict with someone my first instinct is to avoid what I had done immediately prior to setting them off, rather than ask them and open up a conversation about what upset them and how they felt and how it hurt me when they acted the way they did.
I and many others needed to hear this. Thank you! ❤
I see a blind spot in our avoidant pattern - when a person (boss, partner, family member, etc ) comes at us with an emotionally charged complaint we automatically write the person off due to their emotionality - with the emotional person degraded in our mind we can then internally ignore anything they are pointing out and therefore never feel the sting of it- thus not getting the benefit of that sting to move us to change the negative thing we may in fact do.
Is another persons delivery of information (meaning if it has any amount of emotional charge with it) truly a reason to dismiss them and what they are showing us? We can definitely protect ourselves from being labeled as a “bad” person by simply writing off the person that has the emotional charge- but…in this automatic dismissal of people it takes us much longer to really see our negative part impact in relationships and grow to heal that.
We can continue to protect ourselves by labeling all people that speak things to us with emotion as less than us. But that makes us the cold men we don’t want to be. It works in the moment, but is self
Protection enough reason for us to miss out on the next more advanced healthy place? Which is to begin to validate ourselves and feel what we are feeling and needing in the interaction and then also the harder part , which is to validate what they are feeling and needing and do both. If we can do this we take the correct approach to come into a interdependent / win win relationship dynamic
There's only one way of doing it for your own mind in the long run, and it's facing it all, and be accountable, communicate, but only take as much as you think or feel is reasonable, but a complaints like performance issue or incident, since you'd know them better.
Avoiding it, doesn't solve the problem where accountability gives good ground to be open for any criticism and be done with it. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks, people will always have their opinions, and if it doesn't help you, it doesn't matter. I know it may be tough, if you don't like it change it, but most people who don't have nice things to say or gossip is the reason it's just that.
Depends, if it's disgruntled but kept to the point and it was me on the receiving end, I'd still listen but wouldn't appreciate it. Borderline anger with anything but the point I'd walk off both Work and family/friends. At work I'd take it as them not handling the pressure and stress, plus we're all employees, and supervision team leaders should handle it with ease, or work on it.
This is something I noticed at work over the years where I found some people always deflected accountability, even some team leaders and it actually affects other people and themselves. I've been in a few positions where a problem came about and at times never resolved because the other never taking accountability and pushing blame.
I still wonder why there's a fair number of men who deflect it, and there's some who still chase leadership roles or are in leadership positions and still struggle with accountability, yet worst case scenario is for incidents stood down for a couple days or a talk. It causes problems, and trust issues me personally. I'm a pretty understanding person, and I try just because I see why but when people openly show it doesn't matter yet act as if nothing was said, I can't be myself around the person.
It's a dangerous job, we have to trust each other to watch each other's back, there's no trust or sense of security if there's no connection and it's difficult to hang around it when someone or a team leader doesn't own up to their own actions or quick to deflect blame on a group incident.
This is spot on how my boyfriend seems to be and based on his background and how he was raised it makes sense he reacts this way. Brought up avoiding emotions not able to express them and told boys don't cry etc. Never comforted and now seems to be defensive at anything even the kindest way to bring up an emotional topic causes defensiveness and I think you hit it smack on that some people don't know what to do when someone comes at them with emotions and tries to shut down the person and the other person's emotions and their own emotions and put the emotions in a box and ignore anything that may have truth because it's too painful to process. Then that slows healing and resolution.
I don't think someone emotionally lashing out at me is less-than. But I also don't have to continue dealing with them in certain ways, depending on what/ what for.
Brilliantly laid out.
I wholeheartedly Agree
Definitely agree. In conflicts I always know that it takes 2 but I find it hard to fault myself because the other person's emotions seem so irrational to me so I can't fathom apologizing for my part in it. I know it's wrong but it's hard
I cannot emphasize how valuable your videos are to me. For the first time I am making real progress.
I went from being emotionally detached to very explosive, during a relationship were my partner kept pushing me to talk and tell them how I felt and to talk a lot.
I didn't left physically because I wanted the relationship to work but my partner would kept on expecting my emotions to come out that happened every time we discussed or had a fight. Until one day I couldn't stay detached and all my emotions overflowed me. I couldn't stop crying for hours and since then I am easily over emotional, it even lead me to self harm and panick attacks.
Even now I am careful with it. I can't deal with high stressing stuff, specially when it's about my partner.
Also it's so hard to understand my emotions even when they should be obvious to me, it takes me sooo much time to realize "ahh, I'm sad or angry". It's like my brain shuts down and I can't even think, but I'm getting better at it. This vid was really helpful.
Thanks ♡
This video even less than halfway through was incredibly insightful. I've always been pretty stoic but until recently never made the right choices despite my calm demeanour. I realize now that what changed was that I had begun facing my emotions instead of burying them in intense situations. When you can see your emotions you can decide which ones can help your decisions and which ones can't. When you bury them you don't know how reliable your instinct or gut feeling will be, it's like not having instinct at all.
This is one of the greatest sources I've experienced on this subject! I know that I'm an emotional suppressor, but I always thought of myself as an anxious attachment person, and I didn't connect the one to the other. In my childhood I had one parent (dad) who was randomly, chaotically angry, and one parent (mom) who was consistently angry, but I knew how to negotiate her effectively. I think I grew up with both anxious and avoidant tendencies, which crop up in different circumstances. It's really neat to think that these traits are maybe bigger and more pervasive than just being about how I relate to my partner.
Totally with you, I'm the same way. I think she addressed this well in the video, but (like most things) this can be a trauma response.
When you're at home, you can't really escape, so even if you feel negative emotions you can't really make a choice to avoid it, so you learned to not have them. Now, suddenly, your emotions can do their job because you're in a healthier place - if someone is being bad to you, your anger is a good thing because it tells you to leave. I'm struggling with that myself, and I don't know how much of it is my nature and how much is learned from 18 years of living at home
Your videos have helped our family more than any others. We've watched several. You have a great ability to explain things in an understandable, succinct, meaningful, and hugely helpful manner. Thank you so much.
Interesting, the more I watch your videos on avoidant attachment, the less I am sure about how much I lean avoidant. I do feel much better and more in control when intellectualizing emotions, but I don't have trouble not feeling them in intense situations. Its more that I have trouble feeling them when I'm not interacting with other people.
I definitely learned as a child that displaying emotions in intense situations got me what I wanted. My mother is more anxiously attached, and if we fought and she was angry at me, me displaying a strong emotion would trigger her empathy enough such that we could 'make up'. In addition, being able to 'explain' my behavior to her while showing emotion would make her feel like what I was saying was more authentic.
I also had to mediate between my parents a few times, so I got pretty good at translating back and forth between my father's avoidant intellectualizing style and my mother's anxious 'throwing emotions at people' style.
When in an intense situation, I can flip on and off feeling emotion like a switch. Either mode is not fun to be in, and I am very focused on the other person, communicating to them. It feels like manipulation sometimes, even though I am communicating something real.
When I'm alone, its a bit harder to figure out my own feelings. Maybe because my mind thinks that there is no need unless I have to communicate them to someone else to fix or build a relationship. Its like I think that emotions are for social purposes only. Weird.
🫂
I relate to this a lot too. I've used intellectualizing as a defense mechanism since I was a kid, and always felt it did me a great service. In my work (and day-to-day), I would say that it has helped me be more confident in dealing with conflicts with people.
But... That is just one way to look at it. My confidence may stem from a place that's like "Gee, I hope I won't lose my temper, break down, or cause a scene now. What will people think?". I do tremendously well in those loaded situations: I'm able to keep my cool and focus on solutions rather than dwell in emotion. I feel it's like a superpower, and I don't feel like it's a bad mode to be in.
There may be a catch though: I have yet to determine whether the intellectualizing will also kick in when I am seeking for an intimate relation with a partner. Not having gone through deep emotions before with my body/spirit, I wonder if my Thinking there too will prove to suppress my Feeling function.
Just in case it might, I'm actually looking into tantric like practices and being mindful in the moment. Just so I can set myself up to use mind to explore the sensations of the soul and body. I'm rather curious to see if that will work.
When I'm alone, I seem to be too preoccupied with life and hobbies to wonder about my emotional state. Maybe this means I'm happy/content as a baseline. I'm also just not seeing the point of digging deep into my feelings if I don't experience any extreme (dis)comfort.
@@mainservernot386 99% of the time I have found I am able to feel an emotion in challenging situation... one that challenges me emotionally and have felt said emotion and dealt with it with reason and felt the emotion ebb away without reacting from the place of that emotion.
But intriguingly recently I learned a painful lesson which brought me here as I sought to understand it.
I realised that within an intimate relationship where I had been doing the above in 99% of the situations I was blindsided by a unique situation where emotions welled up in me without being fully attuned to them and I reacted with sarcastic passive aggressive comment as way of expressing my emotional need instead of recognising it was an unfounded fear I was feeling... of course that hurt my partner and caused her emotional upset too landing on a trigger for her...
...but I didn't fully realise afterwards just how much hurt I caused and as she made her way to overcoming this with me it remained not fully resolved, the hurt not fully understood or recognised, nor did I fully realise just how I had followed the exact cycle of emotional reaction I had worked so hard to avoid and how the emotion signalled a reasonable need but in expressing it so unhealthy I had damaged the lovely trust we had shared until then.
And then I repeated same mistake just as we were making progress to regaining trust and closeness 🙈 Which caused further hurt and may have been irreversible.
It kind of shocked me when I realised that I too could lose my present mindedness to such a harmful extent to relationship where I had worked so hard in this area in the past and was able to feel, sense, understand & manage emotions to such a huge extent...
...now I am paying a huge price for this subtle pattern of emotion i wasn't attuned to that revealed itself to me recently for first time and I was unprepared for and unable to recognise.
Hence why I am here and why Heidi's insights have been truly invaluable... helped me to express and go through with my partner what actually happened and how it was unacceptable for me to react in way I did... and it may yet be too little too late but at least I have been able to be radically honest with myself and her and will have to accept whichever way it goes from here and bring these lessons forward no matter what direction this relationship may take! 🙏🏽
One thing I have realised is I have a deep emotional need for someone is willing to go to same lengths as me to understand, forgive, and regain trust and a truly open heart once more... and the fear of not having this actually caused me not to be able to express fully or recognise my own emotional need in this way in time or in a good healthy way
Listening to your videos has helped and is helping me enormously Heidi. I had read about attachment styles but it wasn’t until hearing you talking about fearful avoidant that I recognised myself. I have volunteered on suicide helplines and prided myself on being able to remain detached and protect myself whilst listening to others’ trauma. I appreciate now that it is my avoidant side doing its thing. I recognise that energy coming up in me and dissipating which you describe. Thank you for being so giving of your knowledge. It’s making such a difference ❤
Wow! I've been in a therapy processes for 8 years. I am able to label almost everthing what is happenning in my head, just as you said. But you are the first who is telling me me not to "understand" but to "feel" my feelings. Thank you ❤
So very grateful for this insightful content.
You are totally reading my mail, dear notaliscensedtherapist friend.
Thank you for being so candid about the exact coping mechanisms that I need to recognize and rewire for greater emotional wellness and connection in my life.
Well here is another great video I'll be watching several times. I resonate quite strongly with the desire to think deregulating my emotions is cognitive strength. And wanting to believe that's a healthy way to deal with it. Over the past couple years I've been realizing that's not true, and have done some work to help my behavior show it's OK for me to listen to what I need and want holistically including my emotions. So this video hit all the thoughts right on the head and brought great clarity! Thanks! It would be cool if eventually you did an online class for each of the attachment styles!
Thank you so much for this video! I noticed a few days before watching this that I tend to research issues whenever I start to experience them. I then remembered someone saying that procrastination always happens because in some way, shape, or form, it serves you. I finally connected the dots and realised that I'm trying to avoid difficult emotions by researching them, their causes and (ironically) how to deal with them rather than just letting myself feel them. This video explains why that happens and helped me a great deal with understanding this better.
I've been trying to stay present with difficult emotions... and it has been hard for me. But your videos help me a lot, especially because they help me to remember to ACTUALLY do the work necessary towards healing. Thanks Heidi
Wow, as a fearful avoidant this makes so much sense too! I do both, sometimes I read to self-soothe and sometimes I can't bring myself to do that because it is too emotionally triggering. And the part about shifting blame is so relevant.
I am currently exiting a 15 year marriage with a covert narc. I have avoided my emotions for many years. Now that I am out of the house, the emotions are coming back. It hurts but feels so freeing. There are so many left that I need to work through, experience, and let go. So hard to do this, thanks for making this make sense.
Jdunk~ I am so glad you are exiting that hell and insanity. I too was married to a covert narc for 13 years/together 14, and I had to shut all of myself off. My emotions would pop up, strongly, about twice a year....but I had to numb myself in order to exist in that hell. I completely understand what you're sharing...the pain that you pushed down all those years coming up in unexpected ways and moments. I am almost 5 years out and it is hard, but like you said, it's freeing!!
In my marriage, he was the only one allowed to get angry or upset. When I got upset, he'd rage and call my tears "manipulative ". 😢 It was a repeat (although way worse) of my childhood and upbringing, I pretty much married my parents~ a raging and emotionally detached father and an emotionally detached, enabling mother who's coldness towards my father sometimes turned on us kids. It was scary.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts!!❤
A drug dealer?
I don’t know if you will ever know how helpful and important this information has and will continue to be for me. Thank you from the bottom of my soul.
Seems like all I'm worth is what I'm able to withstand...
I thought that all of my learning about psychology and my family's trauma history was in fact actually allowing me to get over things, but I kinda see now it is an elaborate intellectual bypass dressed up as "processing everything" and considering all the self abandoning and pathological exoneration I still do, Im not sure how much of anything I've truly processes.
All the healthy boundary setting and self compassion and justified anger and sadness that i shoved off into my shadow still exert a strong influence over my life and make me view myself as being too sensitive or being melodramatic or being a terrible, whiney person if I don't prioritize everyone else's interests over my own and just tolerate everything bad that happens to me or is done to me, like some sort of reverse hypocrisy where i hold myself to impossible standards of decency, good faith and kindness while cutting everyone else all the slack in the world and providing them all the understanding and accommodation they could possibly want.
Long way to go yet I think...
I feel you #relatable
This is me in every way. I’ll admit, these videos help to understand and intellectualize my issues. These videos soothe me, ironically. But like you said: that will only take you half way. Gotta feel to heal.
Very good tips. :)
Sometimes I feel guilty for having difficulty connecting with my emotions because nothing bad happened in my childhood, so I feel like I don't have a gritty enough backstory to justify my character development. 😂
I don’t think I’ve ever really felt anger towards anyone who ever hurt me or maybe even ever at all this concept kinda hit way to close to home
This resonates with me. I feel like i emotionally gaslight myself all of the time. Except i never referred to it that way. I interpreted it as, "ive been wronged, i feel hurt, BUT look how calm i am, how unbothered. Look how mature and healthy i am to not be having an emotional reaction right now. Watch how im using my therapy skills by not allowing myself to become escalated." Oof.
This video is a mirror. Learning to sit with my emotions in the moment instead of constantly intellectualizing them... Insightful.
I must confess that discussion of the importance of physically feeling feelings can sometimes make me feel a bit hopeless. I'm a trauma survivor and definitely do utilise these bypassing techniques, but I'm also autistic and as such I have almost non existent interoception skills. For example I rarely know when I'm hungry, hot, cold or if I need to use the bathroom.
I'm trying to tell myself that doesn't mean this work is impossible for me but I don't know where to begin. If you could do a painfully simple walk through of how to identify the physical manifestation of an emotion I would be truly grateful.
@berlinetta____2680 Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. It's enormously helpful and I really appreciate it.
Internal Family Systems therapy might be a helpful approach for you. There are several demonstrations of this approach online with the founder Dr. Richard Schwartz performing it. Could help with some really emotional processing and returning to harmonious wholeness.
If I may ask out of curiosity and perhaps a sense of relatability too, if you don't know when you're hungry or need to go to the bathroom etc., then when and how *do* you decide to eat/pee/etc?
I often sense a physical frustration and an annoyance with and short temper for my environment when I am thirsty and I need to pee at the same time while having some other task to fulfil, seemingly the two physical signals of thirst and a full bladder are somehow similar enough in my brain that I don't know which of the two it is and which I would need to do first and whether it is pressing enough for me to take a break from my task.
Eventually I just go "you know what, I'm unusually frustrated at nothing, this probably means I need to pee and then drink something" and that fixes it.
Perhaps some body work would be helpful to begin returning to a felt sense of your body too. For me I did family constellations which I think is like psychomotor therapy (Bessel Van Der Kolk explains this in his book The Body Keeps the Score) and that helped start moving and shifting the energy around for me; then I discovered acupuncture and that helped unblock some channels of energy and feeling in me; and finally I found Alice Miller’s books which were the most helpful in unblocking me and allowing me to feel and start healing on a deep level. Things that help connect you to your right brain, sensations, etc. Bessel Van Der Kolk explains some other body-oriented therapies in his book
This has really helped me draw a line between a lot of seemingly contradictory advice that I was not able to understand. (And though understanding is not everything, advice is something I definitely need to understand before I can implement it!) Like you said, when people say to “feel your feelings,” but others say not to wallow in them or not to allow thoughts to spiral, and I can never seem to find any comprehensible definitions of what the differences are. Tackling this topic THROUGH the “intellectual bypassing,” rather than AROUND it, will help me out, as I now have a better idea of what I am doing that isn’t helping, and how the mechanism is automatic at this point. I particularly appreciate how you pointed out that experiencing your emotions does not have to include volatility and lashing out, which made me realize that was a preconception I had, based on a lot of people I’ve known. Thank you, and I’ll try to put your advice to use.
Wow. This popped up in my feed at just the right time. I've been on a rollercoaster with my family my whole life, but especially recently as I'm walking through my healing.
This is me!
I intellectualize it all and call in "processing". 🤦🏻♀️ And THEN, when I read something that hits me in my gut and allllll these emotions and pain come up, I'm like, "WTF?! I thought I had dealt with this!?!?" And then I assume I'm stuck or something is wrong with me!
I emotionally reacted to my fathers rage & abuse when I was little, but then I learned from my mom how to shut off my emotions and just take it. I felt like that's what strong people did! Then I married a "Christian" narcissist. I was with him for 14 years and _his_ rages made my fathers rages pail in comparison.
I learned how to shut off my emotions and just *take* it. Sit there, watching his meltdowns, him punching things, him cussing God out and flicking God off, him throwing things and breaking things around me, his road rage....many times on the outside I looked blank but on the inside I'd be screaming! Praying to God we didn't go off the road and die....
I am remarried to an amazing emotionally intelligent man~ he has helped me so much with getting in touch with my feelings. He is safe. The safest person I've ever known.
I have this back log of experiences that I never let myself emotionally respond to. All of those experiences are coming up in spurts and I'm learning to LET IT happen. Let it come up.
I'm reading the book "when the body says No" by Gabor Mate and as I was reading some of it to my husband last night, the crying started....then I was wailing through tears....the pain coming up and washing over me over and over. It's painful, but also cathartic. It's cleansing.
It's like each time I allow this pain to come up and wash over me, it is me acknowledging that little girl in me who has been hurting for a looooooong time. I'm finally allowing her to FEEL. And it's amazing.
Thank you for this video. I don't believe it's an accident that it popped up for me this morning. Maybe its God....maybe it's my phone spying on me....🤪
Whatever the reason, I feel completely blessed to be listening!!
Thank you again Heidi ❤
My friend. That intellectualizing is processing. Just don't expect that you can fully remove vulnerabilities, I would argue that you should not even seek to do so. The stuff that hurt you in the past, will always be able to hurt you in the future. That's the nature of trauma. Intellectualizing helps us understand why it hurts, what triggers the hurt, accept that the hurt and helps us decide on how we want that hurt to impact our choices. That's what processing trauma or hurt means. The moment it fully stops hurting you haven't finished healing, but you've start denying.
Your description of how I respond to emotions was spot on, but I must have learned it somewhere else than from interacting with my parents.
Heidi, you're 100% right. If my mom would only let herself feel her negative feelings, she wouldn't let her partner behave so contemptuously towards her, she'd set proper boundaries. I just know it!
When my friend and I (who have both struggled with fearful avoidance) chat on a deep level, I know that we've had a good conversation if either one of us tears up. Yes she's much smaller than me, but that doesn't change the truth: if I'm scared or overwhelmed, there's little that's more calming than giving up all my defenses and accepting her tight hug and any words of affirmation at face value. Especially since I didn't get that consistently as a child.
I thought I was textbook anxious attachment style, but even in the middle of a frantic, anxious tirade at an avoidant partner, trying to get them to have compassion and connect, talking in great detail about my feelings, etc, I feel general intense distress, but not actually any of the specific emotions today I'm talking about!
And in general, as well as in therapy, I can talk and analyse feelings until the cows come home, but rarely feel anything.
When I DO have real feeling well up, within a second or two I have said, "Oh that's interesting, there's sadness..." or some similarly central thing and the feeling instantly shuts down completely. Like magic.
It's interfering with therapy - I'm 47 and not making any headway after years of therapy. Very frustrated. And realising that this is key. I need to figure out how to start feeling(I know - that irony of saying that I need to "figure it out" lol 🙄).
I'm now feeling pretty confused about whether I'm genuinely anxious attachment style.
I pursue intimacy from people incapable or unwilling to give it, but if/when people are ready to offer me real intimacy, I feel for a few seconds, then shut down and just go through the motions, completely unable to experience or enjoy it, or feel genuinely connected.
One thing I've been trying for a while is, if I feel tears coming, and noticed that I'm moving to analyse and thus shut down the emotion, I try to backpedal and purposefully let myself feel the pain that's bringing the tears.
I'd love any insight!
Heidi what's your experience with people who seem anxiously attached in many ways, but also do this intellectual bypassing?
She 100% feels her feelings, otherwise they wouldn't BE feelings in the first place. The problem is that she isn't becoming cognizant of them, thus she's fully emerged in them.
Eye opening and reinforced what ive learned from therapy. Will rewatch and make notes in my journal and journal bout em! Feel the pain. Heal the pain.
Brilliant. I've had MANY failed relationships. Therapy for 30 years. NO therapist has zeroed on my attachment style. That's where the money is for me to have a chance at having a relationship with someone with a healthier attachment style than mine. I can't do it on my own. I'll look for a therapist who specializes in attachment style problems. As always, thank you Heidi.
You're not giving up I'm in awe of that
Be your own therapist
There's a danger of getting lost in psychological analysis. Maybe they just wanted someone with more money or different hobbies or sth.
This is so helpful. Im a fearful avoidant in friendship with a dismissive avoidant. Im trauma informed and working on myself also learning again to need again after complex grief complex trauma. My dismissive avoidant friend is so practical, rational, in control with rigid boundaries that it feels like im retraumatizing myself being vulnerable and authentic with him.