Exactly!!! It's not living in the past when you're still currently being abused by the same person doing the same sh*t and them not seeing a problem with their behavior but they have a problem with you having a problem with their behavior!! Good ridden to parents who took advantage of their job as parents to objectify their kids under the guise of "love, care, family first, concern, discipline, etc".
You nailed it. People seem to think I'm "stuck in the past" or that I can't get over the mistakes and that I need to forgive. Nope. It's the bulls^^t now that I'm an adult that was problematic. I really don't care about the past except to want an apology and an admission of the behavior so it stops in the now. Alas, using your child as your Narcissistic supply or as an emotional punching bag is of more value then being a good person/parent and building a healthy relationship. It's a difficult thing to let sink in - Abusers would rather have no relationship then own their abuse and stop. Having no relationship, for them, is better then having a relationship where they are not allowed to abuse. Of course that's more of their unhealthy dysfunction. In their myopic view you are either in charge/in control or you are being abused and s^^t on. The idea of mutual and healthy, where both parties are content, is something that's never crossed their mind... And it's why I label them as abusive. I don't want a relationship where I am 'in charge' of my parent. I want all the adults to act like adults and manage their own behavior because I find it exhausting to have to tell other adults how to behave or have to put up roadblocks (stronger then boundaries) to keep them from doing certain things - think locking away dishes so they don't 'accidentally' break them. That's why boundaries with abusive parents don't work. Healthy people go, "Oh... Elly has expressed that she is at her limit of **insert behavior** I should respect that and stop." (and maybe apologize) but instead it's a red flag to a bull and "How dare Elly tell me to stop **insert behavior** well I'll show her!" and keep doing whatever MORE or go all pathetic and pouty like a 4 year old. Maybe therapy to determine why it is they behave the way they do would improve their relationships but nope... It's the reaction of their child to their behavior that's the problem and not their actual behavior in their mind. You can see how they react to having their dysfunctional mentalities questioned - they call it abuse.
THIS, FR!! I have gone through so many changes in the way I act around my parents just to appease them but they're still the same, they refuse to change. It's gotten to the point where I'm talking to them minimally because I don't want to say something that'll end up pissing them off + I'm now uncomfortable being around them. IE: my father went apeshit on me for being *assigned* (not choosing, I was assigned. I had no say) a choreography class. Meanwhile my mother was angry at me for not doing something that she literally never told me to do in the first place. I'm so ready to be out of this place...
It's called breaking generational curses. I refused to pass down the abuse and dysfunction of my family to my daughter. She's doing better than I ever did, and I'm glad of it!
@dani cali This is actually not true. Often times it is estrangement from both parents, and the reasons cited are abusive behavior, violence, or unaddressed molestation. If the kneejerk reaction is to go on the defensive against the party making the outcry of inappropriate or abusive behavior the chances are vastly in the favor of the defensive person being in the wrong. One of the key similarities in most estranged parents is having a mountain of justifications, lies, and denials about things that happened which were just plain wrong and abusive to downright criminal. The older generations were very strongly on the side of teaching to owning up to ones mistakes and accepting the consequences of those mistakes whatever they may be. Now that the younger generations have began to take that advice and hold them accountable for their behavior, that line of thinking seems to cruel and harsh. It's the logical fallacies of engaging in terrible behavior only to have to flipped around on you. Older generations of parents having done some very terrible things and being estranged for it is definitely the rule not the exception.
@dani cali Any parent who says they "didn't do anything wrong" probably did more then a few things wrong or made more then just innocent mistakes. It takes a lot of abuse, toxic and dysfunctional behavior for people to cut their parent(s) out of their life. If you are cut off and blaming everyone but yourself you're likely not an innocent bystander and probably played some part in your estrangement. If you are unwilling to look at/own your part then you are not a victim and likely estranged for very good reasons and you don't have to agree with those reasons but pretending they don't exist won't fix the situation.
It's about time. We live in a society where you cannot physically abuse someone on the street. You would be arrested. And I'm talking about another adult. Imagine being okay as a society to allow people to physically and mentally (which can be even worse sometimes) abuse small children who are helpless. And then to top it all off, expect those children to love, respect and be there for you when they grow up. Honestly. It's about time we as a society stopped this nonsense.
I had abusive parents, mostly emotional. My mother started getting more physical oddly enough, when I was in my 20s. Always yelling, name calling, & gas lighting. I watch people, my cousins, spend all this time with & around their abusive parents & wonder why.😣
For an adult child to cut their parents out of their life is the most painful decsion ever. It doesn't happen because of one or two things said. It happens after decades of pleading for that parent to change. And they basically tell you that that YOU aren't worth them changing for. So you realize that they aren't worth the heartache and misery they are causing you.
I wish that was my case with my oldest daughter. I am very deeply sorry that is yours. It is, however, the case with my mother. I went for decades pleading and begging to go to counseling with my mother, but she refused and just became more over-the-top abusive, even using my sisters who didn't feel all that loved as flying monkeys against me. She began trying to obliterate my daughter's image of me from her birth but I was so traumatized and low self-esteem, I didn't get away. So today my daughter cut off because her two siblings got in a dispute with her that I was not even a part of. We had no conflict. She just looks down on me due to my sisters and mother preaching and acting like I am inferior. I am responsible for having her around them even if ignorantly so. So there are many reasons for cut-off urged by dynamics in families. My youngest two are so angry with her. Things were not perfect. I had to divorce my ex and did everything I could to give them a good life. I made mistakes of course. I even gave my kids an opportunity before they left home to tell me what Ii did that hurt them or wrong so they would not carry it with them. My oldest refused but now has cut off. I'm not sure how to heal this. I love her dearly. I cannot control my two youngest as they are 23 and 26, but I do speak kindly of her to them and hope she will tell me one day. Barring that, I can see the damage my mother who is a sociopath did to damage how my oldest sees me. Add my mistakes and its understandable. My mistakes were more being under stress, trying to live up to the expectation of my hating family, sometimes saying the wrong things, having to divorce, etc. I just don't know what to do. I worry about her peace more than anything. I hate seeing my children divided. My youngest two say that she was smearing me in triangulation but refusing to speak to me in the same pattern my mother used. I hate it. I wanted more than anything for my kids to be able to depend on each other and to have peace. I won't be here much longer.
@zsuzsuspetals You are likely speaking for some, but not all situations. At least the research says there are a huge variety of reasons, ways, timetables, and conditions on and why children cut ties. To assume everyone else's must be the same as someone else's is a huge mistake. I speak as a child who begged and pleaded for decades and finally had to do so. I dip back in to see if there are changes and if I knew my mother was in need, I would definitely help her. But her flying monkeys take care of her. But as I have dedicated myself to learning from objective sources about the reasons, I've learned that my situation with my mother is not necessarily everyone else's. And there are high-level costs to cutting ties that last generations so it should be done carefully and with great compassion -- understanding that if we had walked in their shoes we would have an epiphany about why they do what they do or are stuck where they are.
You're in for a HUGE surprise if you think 'making people change' to fit your mold of them is how relationships work. That will be a very lonely existence. Relationships are a give and take. It's called compromise.
The parents interpret their children's own perspective as disrespect. My parents can only have a relationship with me from the position of their being superior. They will not talk to me. Silent treatments, smear campaigns and yet they still blame me for the rift. I have to give up. I'm not real to them. My pain is not real to them. I wish they would communicate.
Yes. Parents also interpret their reaction to being talked down to as disrespect. They never consider how they would respond (usually in far worse ways) to being treated and talked to the way they do their off-spring. Responding in any way that the parent deems as not fully accepting = disrespect. Well, there comes a point where most people who are being treated as less say, "Enough." and if the parent persists... Well, they can't (or shouldn't) be surprised when they are excluded from their child's life.
@@mistybihler9991 That's the spirit! And when you end up dumped at the old age home the staff will remind you daily that you aren't superior to them and your children won't care. In fact, if they hear you hate the place they'll send thank you cards to the staff for doing such a great job.
@@dosomething691 You know who pretends that anyone calls that abuse? Abusers. They do it to make the victim sound unreasonable. No reasonable person says that and no one will take them seriously if they do. Do yourself a favor and don't out yourself as an abuser like that. Everyone knows no one is estranging from their parent(s)/family citing the 'abuse' of having to clean their room.
I’m glad to know that I’m not alone. I cut my mother off although it was a hard decision but I gave her too many warning about her overstepping boundaries.
I think parents back then had children for the wrong reasons. I feel that if you have a child and expect something in return from them, then you should not have children. You’re love should be selfless and unconditional. And if you’re not prepared to be okay with who your child chooses to be, specially when it goes against the idea you have of them then don’t have kids at all. A child is a gift not a possession to be controlled.
I asked my father several times why he had me (out of anger and upset most times) I dont know - seemed like a good idea at a the time. That was what I got. no no wonder there is estrangement. I'm utterly confused and broken right now from decades of this
I’m generation X and I’m estranged from my parents. I’m breaking the abusive cycle and the generational dysfunction that’s been going on. Especially as my mother is a narcissist. The worst type of hell ever
@@formerfundienowfree4235 Because the Narcissist child tends to hang around and abuse their parent... Non-Narcs are the one's that tire of the abuse and end contact.
Exactly. Disownment can be hard, but I've come to realize there are moments where you're better off separated from iffy family members than be around them.
How is one supposed to mend fences with a parent who abused you every way possible? I tried that, then within a few months he decided he owned me again. Tried to take steps back and now he stalks the house and calls when he sees my husband leave, and has stalked me when I'm out. I have a security system and panic alarms set up because of him.
I've been in this situation for years now,because some of my family wants to rug sweep, and I've been told that I'm "living in the past," when in fact, I'm just holding people accountable and living life on my terms. People will piss on your head and tell you it's raining if it keeps them from feeling guilty on their end. The best revenge is living well and holding steady to your boundaries. If you let these people wear you down, they'll continue to push for more control and instant compliance.
Nope, narcissistic parents don't change and it's not about coming together or middle ground. Yet another enabling of abusive parents. Putting the onus on adult kids to forgive/ come together is ABUSE
I've tried for so long to fix the relationship with my parents. They chose not to do the same. Once I stopped contacting them, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. I don't have a family anymore but I've never been happier. If I die alone so be it. It's better than feeling miserable
You’re telling my story. I know that we will not die alone. We’re not alone. I’m not afraid to say that I have put God first, finally. It’s the best thing I ever did.
As a parent who cares deeply for my children, I applaud you for trying to fix the situation. I have two sons, one that I have a close relationship with, the other won’t even talk to me anymore, or for that matter, his brother, grandparents, or anyone on my side of the family. And this is after I’ve made several attempts, apologies and many, many times sending communications which fall on deaf ears. I’ve tried to live on the best I can, but this loss has forever changed me, and I’m sure it has taken a toll on his brother. Such a waste of this wonderful gift of life we’ve been blessed with. And, people notice things too, always commenting about what seems to be bothering me cause I seem so down and have lost that lust for life I once had. I constantly try to hide how I really feel, but my son who I’m close with knows what’s really happening. The loss has deeply affected all of us.
@@ecgcesare I told my mother to tell my sister the same thing "goodbye and good riddance"!. my sister is not speaking to my mom and now shes a pregnant teen. My mom is hurt I hate my little sister. She needs to go
I grew up in a narcissist family system. I am the scapegoat! You have to walk away in some situations! 🤷🏽♂️… a conversation can’t fix everything with manipulators and liars. Demons have the best mask and that might be your mother.
@@browneyedgirl4285 my mum remarried someone who had been estranged from his own child and the guy brain washed her to the point of isolating her from ALL of her family including her children.She had a traumatic marriage with my father and perceived having children as a punishment in life for unhappy marriage.As a result,there was lots of child's neglect and general lack of interest.I was fighting for her attention at first but then not getting received any love from her I decided to distance myself on all levels and work on reparenting myself instead.Not every parent loves their children
@@latexsalesmanit takes two people willing to work things out.If that's not the case , then there is no hope for reconciliation. My mother admitted she never felt like motherhood was her thing.She has been the happiest not having her children and family around and being surrounded only by her controlling and codependent partner she is very attached to.Its been "good" like you said in the way I finished psychology degree being inspired by my own childhood experiences an years of inner work which made me stronger whereas my so called mother decided that therapy hasn't been for her and she chose toxic path in life
When the parents are incapable of having these discussions and refuse to acknowledge their behavior and betrayals they don’t leave us any other option. At some point it becomes about giving yourself the dignity and respect you deserve and breaking the cycle with or without them.
Absolutely. There seems to be a fair degree of parental Personality Disorder (especially Cluster B) problems, in families with estranged adult children. Or at least enough Cluster B-type traits that have caused very serious, prolonged damage - and trauma. This makes 'working things through' even more difficult, and prolonged trauma in the adult child all the more likely. Going no-contact very often boils down to self-preservation and survival.
@@Being_BohemianDo you & Elise really know what you are talking about? Just wondering because you are making a lot of assumptions about other people's families that you know nothing about. You are speaking as if you are therapists, so let's just say you are... Do you diagnose your patients the day you meet them or give them a few weeks to get the basic facts out of them? I know a few parents whose "adult" children abandoned them without so much as a word. They didn't even get a chance TO discuss the situations. They are friendly and chummy with there parents when they need something from them, (like to help cover a bill or few, let them babysit when they need a break, fix their car, pay for ballet classes & sports for the grandkids, etc) but when the parent asks to have a conversation with their adult child because they're own adult children thinks their mom is drinking too much, and they want to know how they can help them, well then it is a different matter all together! Door is slammed shut, no conversation, and the so called grown child has a temper tantrum like they never had as a child, and when you call the next day, day after that, week after that, but they don't answer, there's no word from their son or daughter again... As therapists, why don't you facilitate a meeting for them to get to the heart of the matter? Because sometimes, it ain't all about the parenting!
@@dennisandromanzasorensen8377 "Do you & Elise really know what you are talking about?" -- yes they seem to have their facts in order. "Just wondering because you are making a lot of assumptions about other people's families that you know nothing about." -- Actually, family behavior is very predictable and learning about them isn't difficult in this day in age. They're called patterns of behavior for a reason and the FBI even has a unit that specializes in it. As for, "sometimes, it ain't all about the parenting!" -- you're right. *Sometimes* it isn't. Most of the time IT IS though.
@@Being_Bohemian It's not nearly as complex as some people want it to be. Family trauma is so hard to fix because of those PD's and denial they're even present.
Stop treating your children in ways you would never tolerate being treated yourself. If you can't pull that off expect your children to walk away and stay away. I won't ask parents to treat their children the way they expect to be treated themselves because way too many parents see themselves as gawds that their children should worship. Pro-hint - Your children don't want to be worshipped but they do want/expect to be respected. Respect your children as individual people and as the adult they have become and you won't become part of the 'epidemic' of those who are estranged. It's pretty simple.
@@user11mc What I see is the parent complaining to the reaction of an adult child when they are treated with disrespect. Most people who call themselves parents are adults and their children grow into adults who (shockingly) expect to be treated as such as well. Parents are not 'super adults' who get a pass to treat their off-spring however they want. If your adult child is treating you in ways you think they wouldn't want to be treated themselves you have to ask yourself why. Most parents will say it's because they're disrespectful, ungrateful little turds and then I'll know that the parent is projecting and that's how they treat their child. If you don't like the reaction of your adult child to you, change your behavior. So long as you think relationship issues with your off-spring is all how they are treating you, then you'll never explore or reflect on how you are treating them. They might be doing something wrong (having not learned to behave better from a rude parent who doesn't behave well either) but that doesn't mean the parent is an innocent party.
@@ellyk8834 no parent is perfect. Do you think you will be a perfect parent? Everyone is an individual and only because someone is a parent doesn’t mean they intentionally hurt their child. After 30 or 40 you can both be adults and respect each other.
@@user11mc And abusers just love to throw out "I'm not perfect." and the bonus of basically saying, "Do you think you'll be a perfect parent?" like that has any bearing on anything... Do you know what throwing that out there does? It allows a person (who is abusive) to write off any behavior that isn't 'perfect'. Well jeeze... Isn't that convenient. Parent hits child because they're having a bad day - "Sorry! Not perfect!" Parent decides to chronically ignore when a child (of any age) asks the parent to stop a certain behavior - "Oops! I forgot! Not perfect!" I cannot laugh hard enough on your last bit... No s**t you can both be adults and respect each other as such - that's called a healthy adult relationship. My abuser found it amusing to talk to me like I am an intellectually challenged 5 year old. Would you be okay with some other adult treating you like your IQ isn't high enough to add 2+2 together and sometimes get 4? I bet not so you don't get a parental pass to do it to your off-spring - that's the definition of being disrespectful. So... How does one get their parent to stop caring about 'perfect' and using it as an excuse to be an a**hole and treat you as the equal adult you are? You could end a lot of estrangements with that nugget of wisdom. Healthy relationships require both parties to be content and respected. Abusers don't care about the feelings of their victim(s) - that's what makes them abusers and makes their off-spring estrange from them. Lastly, intent has nothing to do with abuse. Do you think being shot on purpose somehow does more damage then a bullet fired accidentally from a gun? Shot is shot. Damaged is damaged and yes - only abusers think unintentional abuse isn't the same as 'real' abuse. Gross and of course a total tell of an abuser.
Elly K”-damaged is damaged.” YOUR words. 😔Please focus that massive knowledge of estrangement issues on remembering the good times and situations. All those feelings you have are ruining the good person I’m sure you are. Ditch it…it’s a bad look.🤞✌️
My family scapegoated me. Nothing I did was right. If I succeeded that was bad. I wasn't meant to be happy and successful. The more I distance myself the better I do.
Fellow Scapegoat here... It takes a very long time to unpack the insidiousness of Narcissistic abuse as a child. We are good enough. We always were. Misery loves company and they want everyone to be like them so they don't have to acknowledge that they are the bad/not normal ones.
We parents are done too, I just blocked our toxic daughter all the way, no need to allow her toxic behavior continue to keep harming my heart and soul! This goes both ways, remember, parents are not saints,, don't put all their flaws under a microscope and exagerate, go examine your own choices if they are good or poor choices and take responsibility as a true adult, if you have committed a crime, then your parents have to go to jail for you?
@@BinZiegler first things first, congratulations for having the strength and the courage to make such a difficult decision. I hope you’re in a place where you can finally heal your spirit. I’m very much aware that children are also capable of executing toxic behavior to their parents. I never said it was only parents. I stated in my comment that you shouldn’t take anyone’s abuse. 🦋🌞
@@lilaccapulet Thank you for being so understanding, when I delivered all my daughter's last belongings to her friend (24 YRS OLD)to give to her since I no longer want to have any contact, I could not even speak, just cried and cried, he respects his parents, he was so understanding, just was quiet and gave me a hug, what a difference.
Same. Even tried going to therapy and she literally gas light me. Made me seem ungrateful but refused to own up to how she always compared me to my cousin. And kept saying it’s because she needed love. I needed your love. I wanted the emotional support. When I finally spoke out about being bullied she said it’s because I was weird and didn’t act like the other girls.
Look at all the threats, abusive comments, and outright curses from the estranged parents in the comment section. They are so narcissistic that they don't even realize that they are telling on themselves. I've literally read comments such as, "A dark cloud looms over your head", "One day you'll die alone", "Watch your mouth", "You make me sick", etc... I could go on and on. But all of you brave and strong people have heard these comments all your life from your very beginnings, and you know all the phrases so I'll stop there. I want to thank you all for surviving, pulling yourself back together, and speaking out against this vile abuse that has gone on for generations. Thank you for doing what your parents should have done, protecting yourself and your children. Despite all the gaslighting and abuse you were able to put your head on straight and walk away. You are valid, and the comment section proves it.They always want proof. Look at the comments...they are the proof.
Right! I was having a read 👀 Many parents think they are the victims 😂 I shouldn't be surprised. It's always about them. So many excuses! I've heard them all before 🙉 blessings to all the survivors🩷
@@formerfundienowfree4235And you think that struggle will make them more grateful? On the contrary, it will permanently sever their relationship with their elders and they will use the supply deficiency in young people compared to old people to make elderly people pay competitive rates for caregiving in old age.
@@formerfundienowfree4235not at all. Poverty is high right now in this country, so that’s just stupid. Because of the internet people are now more aware when things are WRONG. My grandmother was _abused_ by her father for 10 years and had no idea it was a wrong and horrible act, she thought she had to put up with it because he was her father, it was just something fathers did. Nobody ever told her she was being abused and that she could speak about it or do anything about it. So she suffered until she grew up and kept suffering until her father died. Now people know when things that are happening to them are evil. Their parents and family aren’t the only ones that influence their life. And they can read other peoples experiences and be empowered by that. To dumb down this statistic into “people are just ungrateful nowadays! (back in my day we put up with everything our parents did to us simply because they were our parents)”… you’re either in denial or you had an absolutely perfect privileged childhood
I gave a parent years to change, since I became a adult & could choose contact, I chose to cut that toxic person out of my life. I especially won’t have them or their side of the family around my kids. Sometimes parents really choose to ignore the wrong they’ve done, or expect you to, & that’s not happening. All I can do now is break certain generational curses.
Toxic abusers and their enablers always pretend they are the victim, if a child has walked away from a parent it's usually a red flag about that person
Parents who form a proper bond with their kids, have a proper bond with them when they grow up. It's the feeling that brings people home. If that feeling is horrible, there's really nothing worth coming home to. Parents need to look years ahead and remember that memories of childhood stay forever. Do your best to make those memories mean something. Act the d when your kids are young and they will resent you when you are old. Don't ever think you're getting away with saying horrible things to your kids - it will burn into their hearts and they will be forced to choose whether you are a cruel, abusive, imbecile - or they are worthless. Either choice destroys your relationship, and your own kids chances of having a happy childhood. You might not care now, but you will oneday.
Parents don’t get to have relationships with their kids just because they want to. Why not? Because you don’t get to have relationships with anyone just because you want to. Not your children not anyone. No one owes you a relationship. If you’re gonna hit your kids and scream at them because you’re mad or hit them because you’re in a bad mood, You are diminishing your chances of that person, allowing you to have a relationship with them when they have any control. When you constantly violate them, constantly treat them like an “other”, when you’re willing to make them feel unlikable, you are putting a down payment, or debt, if you like, towards your future relationship. A healthy child will grow up and say wait a minute, people shouldn’t hit each other if they love each other. People don’t humiliate and embarrass each other if they love each other. And they’re gonna look at you and wonder why in the world you would think you could possibly have a relationship with them. You’ve shown that you’re willing to humiliate them, hit them, scream at them, whatever. They don’t need you. They don’t want you. You did this. And you earned no relationship.
Here's what to do if you don't want your kids to disown you: Don't infantilize them, work them to death, disrespect them, interrupt them, not answer simple questions, insult their intelligence, be overly critical over little things, get emotional over them having slightly different views on things, be a safety freak, suck them into your tornadoes, and ignore boundaries. And try to respect very basic wishes and take them seriously when they're being serious. If you do those things, they won't cut you off and avoid you like crazy. I'm 30 and my mom tends to treat me like I'm still 10 yrs old at times. I've had to take care of her since I was 17 and she refuses to get extra help/physical therapy for fear of Covid and getting robbed blind. She's running me into the ground and everyone my age is way ahead of me in life. Some I've talked to think my mom is taking advantage of me. She and my dad never taught me to stand up for myself and I almost wonder if it was intentional (aka to keep me from rebelling). I really think my mom is guilty of being emotionally manipulative and, albeit unintentionally, being a gaslighter. When the caregiving eventually ends, I want out of the nest and want to be in my personal space so I can finally grow and flourish. Every case is different. Sometimes, it's on the kids. Other times, the parents are responsible. EDIT: One other thing to add to the list of things not to do: Don't tell family members or your friends/colleagues that your kid is willing to do something without asking your kid's permission first. My mom would sometimes be like "You want (insert my name) to help?" without asking me beforehand if I actually wanted to help with whatever it was.
@@lab4389 There's nothing judgmental about telling the truth. Plus, I shouldn't be subjected to the things I just listed. My mom has no right to treat me, a 30 yr old, like I'm still 10.
@@lab4389 Then please do educate people in what was said there that was wrong, inaccurate or unhealthy. Just because someone isn't a therapist (or anything else) doesn't mean they can't know about a subject. Do you only accept knowledge you have gained through schooling/education or have you learned a thing or two outside of school and during life? I'm guessing you're not a therapist either so why are you so special that you can decide @finchb is wrong and decide what they said was judgmental? Maybe what they said wasn't judgmental but actually factual and accurate. If you didn't think on that then perhaps there is a personality gap for you to look at and self-improve on.
@@finchborat My mom was the same way. When I was a small child she would talk to and treat me like a mini-adult and when I failed to adult-child properly she would tell me there was something wrong with me. As I aged she started to treat me more and more like I'm a brain-damaged child. This reverse aging treatment seems like a super common dysfunctional/abusive/Narcissistic dynamic. Treating an adult child like they are a small child would be sweet if they had been that way when you were a child but is noting but rude and condescending to an adult. It also sends a subtle message to outsiders like they have to talk to you like you are a small child because something about you is defective or you're 'slow'. Other people will pick up that mentality because it doesn't occur to them that the parent might be abusing and that the problem is on their end and there is nothing wrong with the 'child'.
Yeah a lot of adult kids are cutting there parents and grandparents off for no reason these days it’s a cold sad world & are entitled Materialistic about money !
Just argued with my uncle about this, WE your children didn’t ask to be here, yes we’re grateful to you but that shouldn’t make us beholden to all of your bs, the biggest problem in black families is the automatic transfer of certain responsibilities unto the children when they become old enough, some things are ok but there’s no reason any 16 should be paying rent to their own parents,
@@erikaannabosnyak9307if you’re not ready to have a kid then don’t fucking have one. Then your children will be REALLY wishing they weren’t born at all.
I'm so thankful that I live in a world where I don't have to have a relationship with another person if I don't want to. My mother abused me as a child, she had Munchausen by proxy and I barely got out alive. I still kept a relationship with her going, even after becoming an adult because I thought I couldn't cut her off. It almost felt like breaking some cosmic law but my life is so much happier without her in it. I just wish I could erase my memories because it sucks when I'm doing some daily task and she pops up in my mind. I will never speak to her again, it's been 3 years and I actually had a baby who is now almost 2 and she never even acknowledged her existence. The way I see it, she won't acknowledge life so when she leaves this planet, I won't acknowledge death. The end.
If my family wanted to go to a therapist we wouldn't have any of this. There is a refusal of making things "comfortable and safe for both". It's about power and domination of the parent which they don't want to give away.
I was literally disowned by my parents at the age of 16. Just thrown out simply because I happen to be on the spectrum . To this day they absolutely refuse to see or talk to me. They were embarrassed to be seen with me and considered me to be annoying and a burden. I never lied, cheated, stole or hurt anyone physically or mentally. They just found certain Autistic behaviors annoying and rather than seek help for me they just get rid of me. I guess they just couldn't cope and didn't know how else to go about it. Long story short I ended up getting my first place, graduating high school and MAKING IT! Later down the road I had counseling, started a journal, took up meditating, exercising, and overall changing the way I live.
Thank you! I'm a Homemaker for a living. The organization I work for sends "helpers" to people's homes with physical and developmental disabilities who need assistance with things like getting errands ran, house work, and getting their bills and rent paid. The organization is called Help At Home. These services give these individuals an opportunity to stay in their own home as an alternative to a group home or nursing home. It helps them to be as independent as possible. I have 4 clients. Very laid back and all a pleasure to work with! I'm also a peer counselor at my local mental health clinic as a side job. Also very rewarding!
@@theeggtimertictic1136 She had Muchausen by Proxy. I won't go into details but if you don't know what that is, look it up and read about it. I barely made it out of my childhood alive.
It's pretty simple: treat your children with love, kindness, respect and fairness. Model good morals and behavior they can and want to emulate. Don't strike them, or threaten violence, don't pit one child against the other or play favorites. Don't malign them to others, undermine or neglect them, or raise them in chaotic, filthy, or unpleasant circumstances.
It's not that simple and my kids were raised with the moral compasses you mentioned. It all just suddenly changed and it was like they were completely different people. I still don't understand and it's a very painful situation. Don't always blame the Parent
@@joellataylor1828 My mother raised/beat into me good morals, all the things she didn't have and when I started to expect her to behave in the ways she preached? Boy was she angry... It doesn't matter what you teach/preach if your practices are something else. As soon as I hear the 'don't always blame the parent' I know I'm looking at a parent who doesn't want to take ANY responsibility. Blame is a subjective thing and really isn't productive. I am responsible/to blame for not having a relationship with my family. I am the one that ended contact. My mothers part in that is her behavior. Her very intolerable and abusive behavior. She is responsible for her behavior. Maybe it is bad or maybe I'm too sensitive but if she feels she's not at fault or to blame for anything? That's problematic and an unhealthy level of ignorance on how healthy human relationships work which is exactly the problem I am talking about and estranged from.
@@finchborat People who are not taught healthy and proper boundaries grow up to be horrible people with disgusting mentalities. You can enact consequences and teach healthy attitudes without punitive punishments and hitting. Most people who advocate for hitting were hit as children and want to see it normalized so they don't have to deal with the emotional baggage from having been abused and/or are adults who hit their children, know they did so inappropriately and can't have it called abuse because - that would make their proclamation of absolutely NOT being abusive seem comical and obviously untrue. So, "I might have hit my kid but didn't cross into abuse." is their go to. The person who makes the rules - the parent - needs to be clear, concise and most of all FAIR on the boundaries around something so extreme as beating (sorry 'spanking') a child. The better I behaved the lower the bar was on what warranted hitting - it was almost like my mother looked for opportunities to hit and it had nothing to do with discipline... Oh wait! That's exactly what she did because she's a child abuser.
@@ellyk8834 Ah yes, the old 'Do as I say, not as I do' adage. My father did the same thing to me. He seemed to think that using fear would get him what he wanted, as well. When he couldn't spank any more, he yelled. When he couldn't yell any more he mocked. Then they wonder why you ended contact....
Oh no. How dare Adults move out of the nest and start a more functional life from their parents. Seriously, isn't that point of parenting? Are we seriously so devolved into control and parenting that you can't live a life with yourself?
Exactly. It's funny cause they say to you "The law doesn't force me to be in your life or be your parent after 18" Then won't leave you tf alone and try to control everything. Narcissistic families are the worst. I don't even know if normal people exist anymore.
@@lowki9446 Ik. They'll give you advice when you didn't ask for or want it and help when you don't need or want it. And you have some that will tell their 18 yr old kids to act like adults one minute and turn around and treat them like kids the next minute. Not long after I turned 18, my mom told me "I'm not paying your bills" and I was thinking to myself "I don't want you paying my bills." A couple of yrs ago, she was like "I'll write you a recommendation letter" while I was talking about potentially applying for jobs at places desperate for workers during the Great Resignation. I've had to help her in some capacity since graduating HS and caregiving is all I've done since graduating college (I'm 31 now). I've been forced to put off the start of my career and when caregiving finally ends, I'll be looking for my 1st ever job. And with the massive caregiver gap on my resume, I'll be lucky if I get a job at McDonald's. And my mom fails to realize we're not in 1975. Employers won't look at recommendation letters from a candidate's parents and they have massive expectations for entry level jobs. She also insists I use some of the money in my checking account to buy stock and not let it sit there. That money is my nest egg and I'm gonna need that money after caregiving ends. I gotta find a way to pay the bills and there will be a long gap between the end of caregiving and me finally landing A job.
The reason I can’t have kids yet is that I don’t want my toxic & abusing bioparents involved with my kids. My mother is a narc & denies she ever did anything wrong. She thinks because there are worse parents that she’s a good mom. Neither of my parents were ever there to raise me, I never had family to talk to growing up and if I ever tried I would just be verbally abused. I hate that these people called family assume they’re entitled to my presence now that I’m grown when they were never present when I needed it most. I haven’t yet gained full independence from my family. I don’t believe child abusers are entitled to grandkids, they should be denied that mainly for the well-being of the children not simply to spite horrible people.
I really get what you mean my mom thinks that because she didnt physically beat me she was an amazing mom. She raised me in a dangerous cult where she abused and manipulated me daily. When I was depressed and suicidal at age 9 she told me I wasnt praying enough, told me god would murder me if I did xyz to upset him. She blamed me for my molestation by a cult member and helped them cover it up. She even got me falsely disgnosed with bipolar disorder and had everyone convinced that I was abusing her. Back then I felt like I was going crazy. I didnt know what was real. She would be arguing and yelling for hours, when I hit my breaking point and started crying she would say, "you abuse me and treat me like a slave!" Yet if I talk about any of the horrors I experienced she, "doesnt remember it thst way" or "tried her best." Needless to say I escaped the cult 5 years ago and I cut her off completely a year ago and it was the best decision of my life. She will NEVER see my future children ever. That is for their protection.
Easy…here’s some advice don’t ask for money or loans. My kids act this way, but the part that hurts the most is that it’s usually if I say no to dishing out money.
@@user11mc i don’t want anyone’s money when i can make my own, i wouldn’t trade my freedom & happiness for something i can do myself. The issue is when people interfere with another’s ability to make money.
Things seemed OK as long as I was useful to help with the grandchildren and rescue my children from bad choices. When I started setting boundaries, holding others accountable, and expecting reciprocal relationships it all blew up during a divorce after 46 years of marriage.
Hmmm... So before you started setting boundaries you were parenting in poor ways. Are you going to blame your children for the unhealthy ways you parented prior to setting boundaries or are you one of those parents that doubles down on controlling and toxic behavior by calling it 'boundaries'? Either way, you played a very big part in your situational dysfunction. Do you own that? If not, then you aren't just part of the problem, you are the biggest piece of the problem.
@@maggamoosie801 i was never a door mat, i was a loving Christian wife and mom who saw my marriage as my ministry. God always led and brought me to the place when He wanted me to let go and let Him deal with my family. He took my husbands life and I Believe He will transform my childrens heart and restore our family.
This is EXACTLY my plight.. sometimes it’s the child not the parent. I know I lived snd supported my daughter but she treated me horribly these last four years after becoming a single mom. I tried my best to repair the relationship but she is obstinate so I just pray and go in with life
@@deelightful6124I like this perspective but being a single mom is hard. I don’t know how she treated you but try to give grace specifically towards that aspect. Everything else is fair game to be upset about if she truly took you for granted. I wish my mother could/would babysit it’s hard not to resent her but I can understand that aspect. On the other hand she isn’t there for me emotionally and that’s where the rift is because when she asks for me I really try to understand and offer viable solutions. You sound like a loving mother I wish my parents were more like you.
What's causing it? Kids are people, human beings with human rights that adultist parents ignore. So basically its the lack of respect for their kids within the home and in forced schooling that distances kids from their parental overlords. So yeah it's not okay to ignore kid's human rights! It may be accepted by the state, but that doesn't mean using force on kids, is not a crime against humanity. Not a mystery.
There is an individual story behind each case. I have not spoken with my father for 20 years. And trust me, all sane people would do the same if they had the same kind of father. And still he pretend (or don't pretend) that he has no idea why I don't have any contact with him. Too bad both my parents literally destroyed my life first. Imagine having a father that threatens to beat the crap of you simply because you disagree with him about something, just to mention one example. You are forced to agree with him when he mentions everything he is ashamed of or disappointed about you. And never ever once in your entire life has heard a nice or positive word from him. And not even in a cold day in hell will he ever admit he has done anything wrong. After all these years, I still sometimes gets angry by just thinking about him. But I wish him a long and happy life. I just don't want anything to do with him. And it was way too late to fix a relationship between us that was never there in the first place. Calling my family toxic would be an understatement.
It’s very telling how many estranged parents’ comments I see playing victims that their children “abandoned” them and are so “cruel” and ungrateful. Funny because I am estranged from my mother who was verbally and physically abusive to me but yet claims she has “no idea” why I don’t want her in my life and claims she is being “tortured” and “punished” and that I should just forgive and forget. I am responsible to myself to protect myself and what I wouldn’t tolerate in other people why would I subject myself to that from her? I stuck around out of obligation for so long, that is no way to live.
Things are simply different, people no longer have to take or stay in abusive situation because of "the times". Whether older generations agree or not is irrelevant because they will continue to die off and things will continue to change. Their approval has no bearing. I do like the Therapist doesn't instantly put blame on either side, explains essentially its all context based and that its changing because older generations are no longer dictating how things are handled.
"Older generation!" I've got news for you...One day you will be the "Older generation," and I would love to see how your children treat you! What your generation is now teaching YOUR children is how to treat their own parents when they grow up. In other words, no love, respect, appreciation or even empathy for their parents, no matter how " wonderful " their parents were. This generation of parents, for the most part, makes me sick!!
@@jenniferdaniel1104 You're just angry your children left you because you were making their lives miserable. There are plenty of children who will still love and keep in contact with their parents throughout adulthood, but if their parents mistreated them, then that may not be the case.
@DrizzyB I'm not angry with my children. They didn't leave me. I didn't make their lives miserable. I have a wonderful, loving, fun relationship with both of them. But, I have witnessed so many older children treat their parents like crap. These adults are my friends, and I know they were very good parents. Their children don't want their children to be influenced by belief systems held by their parents. So, they have chosen to become estranged. Heaven forbid, we didn't use the " gentle parenting" approach. There was no such thing as a gentle parenting approach when we had babies/children. We all did the best we could and loved our children dearly!! I don't tell my girls how to raise their children. I'm proud of how well they have chosen to raise them.
@@formerfundienowfree4235imagine thinking that because people in third world countries physically dont have the means to leave abusive families it’s somehow not a problem that their families are abusive.
Lol, so many people in this day and age are experiencing the consequences of their garbage character and behaviors and don’t know how to deal with it. Empathy? Give me a break. They’re the ones who decided to make their children and subject them to their own dysfunctions so the whole circumstance is their fault. You’re not entitled to “empathy” for the problems YOU create. People are so pathetic.
@@Cam70868 If you're automatically assuming all of the children are lying and all of the adults are the victim, when the adult has absolute power over the child for 18 years, that says everything I need to know about you.
My estrangement was caused by my family trying to run my marriage with manipulative tactics & incessant judgements. My wife is a different religion, immigrant, race, etc. They don’t care to understand, they only desire obedience despite having no jurisdiction.
In the first minute, the comentator used the expression "mend fences". But that expression implies that there once EXISTED a pleasant relationship. This is often not the case.
I agree. Often "the fence"/family is a rickety, gappy and unstraight mess - not functional as a fence. With the dysfunctional family version it's not so much fixing the fence but tearing down the old and building a new. Most of the times the parents want to nail on a few boards and act like that's a fix. I wanted a new fence/relationship with my family. They did not. So I built my own fence (No Contact) and it keeps their BS out of sight and away from me.
@@ellyk8834 Wild hugs for you, Elly. I went no-contact, too. I did that long before the existence of the internet. It was back when I had no access to the "words" I needed to express the reasons for my resistance to having contact with my mother. I could only express myself with the one word, "No". Flying monkeys berated and condemned me, but to no avail. :)
Parent: If you don't like being abused and mistreated while living under my roof, then there's the door! Child: Okay bye! Parent: Where are you going?! You really think you can make it in this world without me?! Don't come crawling back to me asking for any help when the world chews you up and spits you back out you ingrate! Child: Don't be surprised when you never receive anymore holiday visits or gifts from me. Don't be surprised when I don't visit you in the hospital. Don't be surprised when I don't ever call or check on you in the nursing home or hold your hand in hospice. I will be joyful when you pass away, a sense of relief will wash over me. I will not be in attendance at your funeral. Parent: I have no regrets in how I raised you, but you'll regret burning bridges with me! I'll see to it that you have no inheritance in my will. You're OUT! Child: No, on your deathbed, it will be you who regrets your pettiness and pride. On my deathbed, I will have peace, self respect, self love, and self acceptance. Namaste 🙏. More like....Nah, Imma Stay....The Hell Away From You (parents, golden child sibling, enabler relatives).
This gave me flashbacks to my mom telling me she would kick me out to the streets and then turning around to say I will always be her property and I’m not allowed to leave if she doesn’t want me to.
Growing up, my Dad’s side of the family always treated me like a 3rd class citizen. So I estranged myself from all of them, including my eldest brother. Years later I made up with my Dad, but I forever disconnected from his side of the family. It was not my Dad’s fault that he didn’t know about it.
I don’t talk to my narcissistic mother and haven’t talked in almost 3 years and it’s been so much better. She refuses to apologize for her narcissistic behavior and tries to hire therapists when things don’t go her way, when she makes her point, now it’s my turn to make my point she becomes defensive, in denial and told off by the therapist for her lack of respect which shattered her narrative that the focus was on just me when in reality it’s on EVERYONE. Her response is to fire the therapist, meanwhile smearing me to the only friend she has left, my brother who enables her behavior and maybe my uncle while also disrespecting the job I love telling other people I’m a loser. No one else in the family wants anything to do with her which early on I was told that EVERYONE else is the problem, but not her. It also damaged my relationships with the rest of my family because of it and it’s really pathetic. I take my responsibility and I know I need to do better everyday while knowing I won’t ever be perfect while also loving my current fiancé who’s been nothing but supportive of me which I greatly appreciate 😊
What I do notice in many of these estrangements, the adult children are heavy on cutting parents off and light on forgiveness. Communication, listening, boundaries go both ways. Parents, if you have been estranged from your adult child, please don’t beg; wish them the best, pray for them, forgive them, love them from AFAR and move on w/your life. Please do not deal with toxicity, rudeness and nastiness from your Adult children, do not fuss w/them, let them go and preserve peace in your life. Get involved in community activities, volunteer, enjoy friendships, outings, and interact w/your other children-if you have them, enjoy life.
Or maybe the parents can simply change their behaviors and stop being toxic parents. It's not always the son/daughters fault. Some of these parents are waaaaaaaay in the wrong.
Sounds like your ego talking. Assuming that you’ve been discarded by your kid(s) & considering your view, it’s not a surprise why they left you behind lol. That’s actually gotta be pretty embarrassing so I can see how you’re defensive 🤷
@@noinfoherebro I’m sure there are toxic parents out there. Just like there are toxic people in general. The problem is it is all so subjective. One young mother said she was “so done “with her parents because when she was leaving with her kids, they said “oh, you have to leave so soon…we never see you”. She explained why she was “so done “. She assumed they didn’t appreciate the effort it took to pack up the diaper bag and some toys and drive 45 minutes to her parent’s house. When in reality the parents are really saying that she doesn’t truly ever visit. What they’re saying is They would love to see her for longer or more often. It’s been a really long time since our parents have been dealing with babies or young children and can forget how much work it is. Try to cut your parents some slack; not all of them are “toxic “or narcissistic.
@@robynalvin2849 When you say "not all" that generally means that you are admitting that the non-toxic/non-Narcissistic is the exception rather then rule. I agree. Would you say it's only 5% - 10% of estranged parents fit that category leaving 90%+ as toxic and abusive? That's a truth leak. You know and I know it's almost always the cutting off of a toxic parent. Everyone needs to get honest before family dysfunction gets fixed.
I don't have any sympathy for these parents because they never took responsibility for the well-being of their kids and blamed the children for their own stupidity. I hope more children will get enough courage to ditch their bad parents. Every child deserves parents but not all parents deserve children.
I don't dislike or hate my mother. I am disappointed in her because she continued to be a nasty person into her 60's. She has never apologized for abusing me and thinks I'm crazy along with the rest of my immediate family. Meanwhile I am living my life in PEACE. I refused to continue the cycle of abuse and walked away from family years ago.
I do everything for my parents, help them cook, do their hair, I am a stylist and don't ask for anything but just to go over there and hang out with them every once in a while and I feel they enjoy it when I come over but more and more I can't take it everything I ask my mom if she will watch my two grown boys 13 and 7 so I can go out to a friend's wedding or funeral... they guilt trip me or make up some excuse and I am thinking of not going over there anymore or doing any favors for them anymore I am fed up. Theyve been retired for quite some time now and never once offered to watch the boys or take them anywhere even for just a few hours.
I have to take care of my mom 24/7. I get zero help and very few breaks. She's paranoid over having her stuff get stolen. I feel like a slave, prisoner, and hostage combined into one. I'm 31 and she treats me like I'm still a kid.
Sorry about that. I am almost 80 and always look after my grandsons about same age. One is on spectrum. I love them so much. To bad for grandparents they lose out❤
And those are the parents who end up getting disowned and never see/hear from their kids ever again. If you view your adult kids as children and treat them like that, your kids will leave and never return.
Clearly you don't understand MANY adults go "no contact" after enduring decades of abuse by a parent who's unwilling and/or unable to change their unhealthy behavior. Going no contact gives these adults some peace on the path to healing. Whereas wishing for reconciliation is no different than wishing for the abuse to continue.
Some of its breaking generational trauma, some of its social media got everything thinking they are psychologists and out here diagnosing everyone with narcissistic personality disorder without understanding the nuances of things like trauma, anxiety, undiagnosed autism that can present what seems like narcissistic traits.
This is why job performance or customer service is lax and inefficient. If you are older you can see the difference. Before people tried to do their best. Millennials act like “youre paying me but I’m going to work at my level and just accept it. They think other humans should be honored in their presence. Then go home and think their parents should worship them. It’s an ingrained attitude of I deserve everything because I am me.
@@user11mc Or maybe it's because previous generations had the satisfaction and peace of mind of knowing that their hard day of work will result in them being fairly compensated and able to afford a decent enough quality of life. Younger generations do not have that same privilege and are being stretched thinner than ever. I think they deserve a little grace for not worshipping the older folk who are grossly out of touch with the harsh reality of trying to make ends meet as a young person in 2023.
@@evilds3261 Yes and these abuser parents just have to be the one that is in control/took the action so they can play victim and say they cut their 'abusive' child off after that child has bailed. It's the DARVO and setting the narrative, "My child didn't cut me off! I cut them off!" **cue snotty tone and morally superior indignation**
@@ellyk8834The best way to discredit their narrative that you are "abusive" is to keep acting like you dodged a bullet in regard to leaving your abusive parents. Abusive people usually want to control their victims, but by treating them as if you dodged a bullet - that will not add up to their narrative.
@@evilds3261 Yes, but I didn't and haven't really dodged the whole issue - the abuse has stopped yes but I still remain without a loving, stable support system in family that you normally don't age out of. Estranged parents on the other hand, IF their adult off-spring is actually objectively abusive, then that parent who has never needed the emotional support of that child should not feel the need to maintain that relationship with the same longing desire an unloved/abused child feels.
It can’t always be worked out. I think it’s unfortunate that she didn’t say there are times when no contact is a necessary thing for a child to give themselves a chance for peace, and to heal not to hurt the parent.
These short TV interviews just don't have much time, you really can just say a few sentences. Most therapists understand that things can't always be worked out.
Its called accountability When good intentions harm rather then help to better ones childres lives Thats where ones children as fellow adults HAVE EVERY RIGHT AS FELLOW ADULTS TO EXPECT THEIR PARENTS TO OWE UP FOR THEIR FAULTS PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH ESSENTUALLY
also narc parent: how dare you go to a therapist to get help to put up with me being horrible to you, because that way I would have to accept that I either need to change or I will lose my children. Oh poor me!
also narc parent: how dare you go to a therapist to get help to put up with me being horrible to you, because that way I would have to accept that I either need to change or I will lose my children. Oh poor me!
I found out my daughter was hiding toxic things from me. She decided instead of getting help she’d cut me off. Be careful who you allow your kids to be friends with, I learned this the hard way. I will always love her, I miss her. I feel it’s also supported to cut families off by peers. She’s hurt her brother, grandmother, niece, ect. What did they do to deserve to be ostracized? Nothing. She was upset with me for finding out and instead of facing it, she left, ran away. Avoids everyone. You can’t tell me this is good for her. Its not. I worry about her constantly. I email her I love her no matter what and I’m here for her if she needs me. 2 years nothing. I confronted her once about toxic stuff and she left instead of talking it out. I even was willing for us both to go to therapy for someone middle ground and help us get through to each other. She decided to leave early without us knowing. I don’t know if she’s become a socialpath, narcissist or just immature. I hope it’s just immature and she learns to face problems instead of running from them.
Yup, this sounds about right. Getting tired of constantly getting insulted and having important decisions made for me. I'm stuck in my hometown and just want to get out.
Sometimes there’s a toxic spouse or toxic spouses family that are a closed systems that don’t allow for discussion, understanding, or forgiveness. The best thing to do is apologize to your child for any hurt you caused them, tell them you’re there if/when they need or want you, and move forward. Never let toxicity cause a battle between the spouse/spouses family, and you. Never engage in the toxicity and understand your adult child is an adult and they have to make their own decisions and choices.
A child doesn't choose to have parents. But a parent chooses to have a child. You chose to bring them into this world, You chose to treat them in a way that hurt them enough that they couldn't be around you. YOU chose that. Now they're choosing to be happy and find peace. And you have to deal with the consequences of your choices.
Consequences for choices... That only flows one way with Narcissistic parents. Then when consequences blow in? They are gobsmacked. Welcome to the party pal! I've heard parents, when reminded that if they bully or use money to control/manipulate that when these children can afford to they might not choose to be around you say, "The threatening to go No Contact is childish." It's not a threat and their child, at least while financially reliant, is unlikely to threaten - "If you don't stop abusing me when I can I'll cut you off." so it was really more a warning of action and consequence. But in true abuser fashion everyone is wrong but them. LOL
Well sadly that doesn't seem to apply to every parent. I know someone who was raped & couldn't get an abortion. The pay. doc. said she should get the abortion due to have the baby was conceived. The physical doctor said no.She was able to deliver a baby. Turned out she couldn't deliver. She had to have a C -section. She was a single person who I know wasn't ver well off. I was her friend through this terrible experience. She decided after such a horrific delivery C section & violent reaction to meds they gave her where she almost died from an Anaphylactic reaction to the Sulfer drugs they gave her. She was stuck in the hospital for around 2 weeks or more. Was actually ill herself with FM which people didn't know about back in those days. She did the best she could with her health, lack of funds & really almost no one to help her during her early days.. I did what I could when I could, but I had a full time job & my own family to care for . She suffered much. She was ill often & had to find strangers to help care for her daughter. She had it rough, but she made it. Now her kid is an adult. I heard some years ago after she saved money for her old age .Her daughter took the money to buy herself a new car. The car got stolen and the money her mother, my friend had saved for yrs. was all gone!! Her daughter said she would try to pay it back when she got a Lum so=um of money. Well her daughter became a very successful woman making money in the high millions. Did she pay her mother back the $40,000+ her ma had salved & sacrificed for yrs. NO! She didn't! My friend has told me this and is deeply hurt. Now her daughter refuses to take to her. She began running frothier after her ma found out about the money being gone!! Before that they were like 2 peas in a pod. Her daughter was always around her. Coming over often & even living with her on and off when times were tough for her before she became a million several times over. My friend tells me her daughter will not talk to her saying my firmed is living in the past. I don't think so. I think my friend just wants what was hers back! But her daughter ran away as soon as her mother found out about the money. She keep hiding & not letting her ma know where she was. To this day my friend doesn't know where her daughter lives so she can't ever get her money back or get back the close relationship they had. So in my humble opinion. This daughter is the problem not my friend her mother. What R some of your people's thoughts regarding a an adult child being the trouble maker or problem not the parent.At least in this case.. Nuf said. I just had to tell this because it isn't always something the parents did but maybe something the children did to the parents that ended the relationship.
I wish my parents were emotionally mature enough for me to even show them this video, but if I did, they would try to make me the scapegoat all over again, and say oh “after all we did for you?!“ my parents are like emotionally stunted teenagers… I don’t need it emotional distancing and physical distancing. If you can makes a huge difference you can still draw your boundaries and have empathy. It’s hard and I support anyone else currently going through this like myself.❤
The thing is, parents say they do a lot of good things for their kids in order to guilt trip them. They abuse their kids, then have some nice moments so the kid feels trapped and doesn't want to leave their abusive parents because apparently they sometimes do nice things and the children feel obligated because they don't want to let their parents down for doing good things. The parent denies the abuse by saying they've done a lot of good things, why would the children leave? it's easy, the kids leave because doing good things for them doesn't make it okay for the kids to put up with abuse.
It's called breaking the cycle of generational trauma. I see a therapist. I have set healthy boundaries. I feel good. I've cut off more than half my family in 2020 and feel great. I only speak to a few relatives and that's it. Both my parents know we are both equal adults and my motto of having a polite conversation like adults if something is wrong (emotionally immature parents).Yes, they have implemented changes, apologized to me, and I acknowledge that and I am proud of them both for coming to their senses. However I do believe with certain things it can be too late because that other person they've hurt has made their mind up emotionally when it happened whereas the one who is now apologizing is playing catch up (if that makes sense). Due to past repeated behavioral patterns creating trust issues, they are on a tight rope with me and they feel it because me moving on, Im no longer putting up with it and not playing those games as an adult. I know they've said they are sorry. But understand I've put up with enough from both of them. Im DONE. Don't mistreat your kids and you won't have this problem 🤷♀️. Folks, if you don't want your children to become adults who cut ties with you, SELF REFLECT AND DO BETTER.
I'm convinced my elderly father screams his head off and calls me names now as his adult daughter because he couldn't do it at the same abusive level when I was a kid. My mom just stands and watches. This is lesson. Most parents, not just men, deeply resent their kids and only enjoy the power and status of being a parent. Yesterday, my dad screams and calls me names until I cried then 20 seconds later tried to hug me. Then mom tried to swoop in like she's the good guy. Mind you, I did nothing but try to have a regular conversation. There's no point in trying to talk to most of our parents.
How about coming to terms, as an adult child, with being raised in abusive, neglected, addicted homes and finally putting up boundaries with parents who still don't acknowledge that?
My parents were supportive and caring as i grew up. But when i grew up there came also the problem. I got married in my late 20s and contributed to interfere in my life. Leaving no independence or anything. Even my wife said "why are they doing this"... It drove us to divorce and long and behold both my parents are now dead from smoking related illnesses. They screwed up my life and left.
Remember the Framingham study? That's a long term study started, I think, in the late 50's or early 60's to study the relationship between lifestyle and heart disease. They studied the diet and lifestyle of a bunch of people in Framingham Massachusetts, to figure out the causes of heart attacks and heart disease. It's still ongoing today. It's how they figured out the connection between cholesterol and heart disease, and I think also the connection between smoking and lung cancer. Anyway, I with they'd do a similar study where they track a ton of families over several decades to see what factors lead up to divorce, mental illnesses, personality disorders, and parent/child estrangement. Aside from flat out, obvious abuse, I bet there are all kinds of other risk factors and correlations that people have no idea about. I think a lot of parents are doing things that cause their kids to develop personality disorders and the genuinely have no idea. I wish they'd do a long term study so they could figure out the factors that lead to all of these issues, so they could develop a screening test that could predict whether a kid is likely to develop a personality disorder, or if a family relationship is likely to end in estrangement in 20 years. This way at risk families could be identified sent to therapy before it's to late, or at least prepared for what's to come, if they refuse therapy. This sort of screening should be seen as a public health need for all kids, similar to how checking their vision or getting them dental checkups, or having a safe water supply are.
Most people who are detrimental to our health wouldn’t want to take the blame to themselves. They always look for a scapegoat this could be anything. Their ignorance is annoying and damaging. If there is a way to make such people change for the better I would like to know.
My parents, both in their 80s now, are racist, close-minded, bigoted, and demand respect without giving it in return. They have always treated me, I won’t speak for my siblings, as though I should kowtow to their every need while they provided nothing but the very bare necessities growing up. Both are highly educated. Both are alcoholics. The recollections of our childhood experiences are vastly different, probably because they were impaired much of the time. If I try to discuss anything with them calmly, lovingly, compassionately, they become defensive and hang up the phone. 13 years ago, I gave up. I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been.
I will NOT tolerate toxicity. She had decades to cultivate a relationship and be a parent and chose not to. She doesn't miss me, she misses her narcissistic fix I gave her. She misses having a punching bag to manipulate. She can rot in hell.
![NISAMANEE - TADA (ท้าดา) [ OFFICIAL MV ]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/hcQHEPMmJpU/mqdefault.jpg)
I don’t dislike my mom because she was a jerk when I was a kid, I dislike her because she didn’t stop being a jerk. Don’t need it.
Exactly!!! It's not living in the past when you're still currently being abused by the same person doing the same sh*t and them not seeing a problem with their behavior but they have a problem with you having a problem with their behavior!! Good ridden to parents who took advantage of their job as parents to objectify their kids under the guise of "love, care, family first, concern, discipline, etc".
You nailed it. People seem to think I'm "stuck in the past" or that I can't get over the mistakes and that I need to forgive. Nope. It's the bulls^^t now that I'm an adult that was problematic. I really don't care about the past except to want an apology and an admission of the behavior so it stops in the now. Alas, using your child as your Narcissistic supply or as an emotional punching bag is of more value then being a good person/parent and building a healthy relationship. It's a difficult thing to let sink in - Abusers would rather have no relationship then own their abuse and stop. Having no relationship, for them, is better then having a relationship where they are not allowed to abuse. Of course that's more of their unhealthy dysfunction. In their myopic view you are either in charge/in control or you are being abused and s^^t on. The idea of mutual and healthy, where both parties are content, is something that's never crossed their mind... And it's why I label them as abusive. I don't want a relationship where I am 'in charge' of my parent. I want all the adults to act like adults and manage their own behavior because I find it exhausting to have to tell other adults how to behave or have to put up roadblocks (stronger then boundaries) to keep them from doing certain things - think locking away dishes so they don't 'accidentally' break them. That's why boundaries with abusive parents don't work. Healthy people go, "Oh... Elly has expressed that she is at her limit of **insert behavior** I should respect that and stop." (and maybe apologize) but instead it's a red flag to a bull and "How dare Elly tell me to stop **insert behavior** well I'll show her!" and keep doing whatever MORE or go all pathetic and pouty like a 4 year old. Maybe therapy to determine why it is they behave the way they do would improve their relationships but nope... It's the reaction of their child to their behavior that's the problem and not their actual behavior in their mind. You can see how they react to having their dysfunctional mentalities questioned - they call it abuse.
THIS, FR!! I have gone through so many changes in the way I act around my parents just to appease them but they're still the same, they refuse to change. It's gotten to the point where I'm talking to them minimally because I don't want to say something that'll end up pissing them off + I'm now uncomfortable being around them. IE: my father went apeshit on me for being *assigned* (not choosing, I was assigned. I had no say) a choreography class. Meanwhile my mother was angry at me for not doing something that she literally never told me to do in the first place. I'm so ready to be out of this place...
🤦♀️ just reading you both...I would certainly estrange you..😅
"The worst part of growing up is finding out your parents never did."
Toxic people deny being abusive and claim it’s abusive to call them out.
100% truth.
@@Totododofodo they call it discipline or tough love
Dumbasses, aren't they.@@Cheerleader644860
Narcissistic people magnify faults to cosmic proportions and catastrophize anything they view as"toxic".
Yup.
It's called breaking generational curses. I refused to pass down the abuse and dysfunction of my family to my daughter. She's doing better than I ever did, and I'm glad of it!
Good for you!
This can be very hard for so many people.
👏🏽❤️👏🏽
@dani cali This is actually not true. Often times it is estrangement from both parents, and the reasons cited are abusive behavior, violence, or unaddressed molestation. If the kneejerk reaction is to go on the defensive against the party making the outcry of inappropriate or abusive behavior the chances are vastly in the favor of the defensive person being in the wrong. One of the key similarities in most estranged parents is having a mountain of justifications, lies, and denials about things that happened which were just plain wrong and abusive to downright criminal. The older generations were very strongly on the side of teaching to owning up to ones mistakes and accepting the consequences of those mistakes whatever they may be. Now that the younger generations have began to take that advice and hold them accountable for their behavior, that line of thinking seems to cruel and harsh. It's the logical fallacies of engaging in terrible behavior only to have to flipped around on you.
Older generations of parents having done some very terrible things and being estranged for it is definitely the rule not the exception.
@dani cali Any parent who says they "didn't do anything wrong" probably did more then a few things wrong or made more then just innocent mistakes. It takes a lot of abuse, toxic and dysfunctional behavior for people to cut their parent(s) out of their life. If you are cut off and blaming everyone but yourself you're likely not an innocent bystander and probably played some part in your estrangement. If you are unwilling to look at/own your part then you are not a victim and likely estranged for very good reasons and you don't have to agree with those reasons but pretending they don't exist won't fix the situation.
So you had a child. Newsflash, you ARE passing along abuse. You just don't acknowledge it.
It's about time. We live in a society where you cannot physically abuse someone on the street. You would be arrested. And I'm talking about another adult. Imagine being okay as a society to allow people to physically and mentally (which can be even worse sometimes) abuse small children who are helpless. And then to top it all off, expect those children to love, respect and be there for you when they grow up. Honestly. It's about time we as a society stopped this nonsense.
I agree, end Trans ideology for kids
Perfectly articulated.
I had abusive parents, mostly emotional. My mother started getting more physical oddly enough, when I was in my 20s. Always yelling, name calling, & gas lighting. I watch people, my cousins, spend all this time with & around their abusive parents & wonder why.😣
Adult children abuse parents when no physical abuse or mental abuse were given to them. That is what is so devastating.
@@Audiodreamer192-24 sounds like you raised him without Christ to me, how else does he turn out to be such a soy muffin?
For an adult child to cut their parents out of their life is the most painful decsion ever. It doesn't happen because of one or two things said. It happens after decades of pleading for that parent to change. And they basically tell you that that YOU aren't worth them changing for. So you realize that they aren't worth the heartache and misery they are causing you.
Louder for the people in the back! 👏
I wish that was my case with my oldest daughter. I am very deeply sorry that is yours. It is, however, the case with my mother. I went for decades pleading and begging to go to counseling with my mother, but she refused and just became more over-the-top abusive, even using my sisters who didn't feel all that loved as flying monkeys against me. She began trying to obliterate my daughter's image of me from her birth but I was so traumatized and low self-esteem, I didn't get away. So today my daughter cut off because her two siblings got in a dispute with her that I was not even a part of. We had no conflict. She just looks down on me due to my sisters and mother preaching and acting like I am inferior. I am responsible for having her around them even if ignorantly so. So there are many reasons for cut-off urged by dynamics in families. My youngest two are so angry with her. Things were not perfect. I had to divorce my ex and did everything I could to give them a good life. I made mistakes of course. I even gave my kids an opportunity before they left home to tell me what Ii did that hurt them or wrong so they would not carry it with them. My oldest refused but now has cut off. I'm not sure how to heal this. I love her dearly. I cannot control my two youngest as they are 23 and 26, but I do speak kindly of her to them and hope she will tell me one day. Barring that, I can see the damage my mother who is a sociopath did to damage how my oldest sees me. Add my mistakes and its understandable. My mistakes were more being under stress, trying to live up to the expectation of my hating family, sometimes saying the wrong things, having to divorce, etc. I just don't know what to do. I worry about her peace more than anything. I hate seeing my children divided. My youngest two say that she was smearing me in triangulation but refusing to speak to me in the same pattern my mother used. I hate it. I wanted more than anything for my kids to be able to depend on each other and to have peace. I won't be here much longer.
It’s a lie
@zsuzsuspetals You are likely speaking for some, but not all situations. At least the research says there are a huge variety of reasons, ways, timetables, and conditions on and why children cut ties. To assume everyone else's must be the same as someone else's is a huge mistake. I speak as a child who begged and pleaded for decades and finally had to do so. I dip back in to see if there are changes and if I knew my mother was in need, I would definitely help her. But her flying monkeys take care of her. But as I have dedicated myself to learning from objective sources about the reasons, I've learned that my situation with my mother is not necessarily everyone else's. And there are high-level costs to cutting ties that last generations so it should be done carefully and with great compassion -- understanding that if we had walked in their shoes we would have an epiphany about why they do what they do or are stuck where they are.
You're in for a HUGE surprise if you think 'making people change' to fit your mold of them is how relationships work.
That will be a very lonely existence. Relationships are a give and take. It's called compromise.
The parents interpret their children's own perspective as disrespect.
My parents can only have a relationship with me from the position of their being superior. They will not talk to me. Silent treatments, smear campaigns and yet they still blame me for the rift. I have to give up. I'm not real to them. My pain is not real to them. I wish they would communicate.
Yes. Parents also interpret their reaction to being talked down to as disrespect. They never consider how they would respond (usually in far worse ways) to being treated and talked to the way they do their off-spring. Responding in any way that the parent deems as not fully accepting = disrespect. Well, there comes a point where most people who are being treated as less say, "Enough." and if the parent persists... Well, they can't (or shouldn't) be surprised when they are excluded from their child's life.
Your parents are your superiors.
It's simply truth. Without them, you would not be here.
@@mistybihler9991 That's the spirit! And when you end up dumped at the old age home the staff will remind you daily that you aren't superior to them and your children won't care. In fact, if they hear you hate the place they'll send thank you cards to the staff for doing such a great job.
Sometimes, the most effective peace table is a corpse.
Totally agree.Self love and reparenting is the key
New generation is finally breaking the abuse cycle
@dani cali way to generalize an entire group of people. You're ignorant
@dani cali lol your child abandon you too?
They think it's abuse if you tell them to clean their room.
@@dosomething691 You know who pretends that anyone calls that abuse? Abusers. They do it to make the victim sound unreasonable. No reasonable person says that and no one will take them seriously if they do. Do yourself a favor and don't out yourself as an abuser like that. Everyone knows no one is estranging from their parent(s)/family citing the 'abuse' of having to clean their room.
Or finding a new way to be abusers.
older people shocked that abused children grow up into resentful adults who cut them out of their lives more at 11
@@Careless-carefreeThen love your abusive parents 😂 fucking hell ye wir cant be scribe
Very nasty comment here, it will be a curse on you later when you children cursed you this way maybe even worse!
LOLOL
I’m glad to know that I’m not alone. I cut my mother off although it was a hard decision but I gave her too many warning about her overstepping boundaries.
@@jenaithomas4612
I think parents back then had children for the wrong reasons. I feel that if you have a child and expect something in return from them, then you should not have children. You’re love should be selfless and unconditional. And if you’re not prepared to be okay with who your child chooses to be, specially when it goes against the idea you have of them then don’t have kids at all. A child is a gift not a possession to be controlled.
I asked my father several times why he had me (out of anger and upset most times) I dont know - seemed like a good idea at a the time. That was what I got. no no wonder there is estrangement. I'm utterly confused and broken right now from decades of this
So so true 👍
I mean, that's accurate for developed countries sure, but not the rest of the planet.
You hate God and family. You're selfish. Shame on you.
@@Thoughtworld1984 Fix your own shame instead of throwing it at other people.
I’m generation X and I’m estranged from my parents. I’m breaking the abusive cycle and the generational dysfunction that’s been going on. Especially as my mother is a narcissist. The worst type of hell ever
Same 🤍
Ditto
How do you know YOU'RE not the narcissist?
Your gen x, and you being a crybaby fo sho
@@formerfundienowfree4235 Because the Narcissist child tends to hang around and abuse their parent... Non-Narcs are the one's that tire of the abuse and end contact.
Some things just don't go back together again, they just don't. No facilitator or conversation can ever change that
Exactly. Disownment can be hard, but I've come to realize there are moments where you're better off separated from iffy family members than be around them.
In SOME cases it can. And for them, there should be an option. For me, and maybe for you, there are no condition for it.
How is one supposed to mend fences with a parent who abused you every way possible? I tried that, then within a few months he decided he owned me again. Tried to take steps back and now he stalks the house and calls when he sees my husband leave, and has stalked me when I'm out. I have a security system and panic alarms set up because of him.
Get it on video and document it. Get a restraining order.
I've been in this situation for years now,because some of my family wants to rug sweep, and I've been told that I'm "living in the past," when in fact, I'm just holding people accountable and living life on my terms.
People will piss on your head and tell you it's raining if it keeps them from feeling guilty on their end. The best revenge is living well and holding steady to your boundaries. If you let these people wear you down, they'll continue to push for more control and instant compliance.
Revenge?
@@blue-sq7tj No, that sounds like pure revenge. I guess the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree after all.
@@ohana8535 Sounds like entitlement behavior and projection comin' from you.
@@deadlysword1000 Sounds like silly dog whistles coming from you.
Grow up. You have one mom. Get off the pop psychology crap.
Nope, narcissistic parents don't change and it's not about coming together or middle ground. Yet another enabling of abusive parents. Putting the onus on adult kids to forgive/ come together is ABUSE
0:58 yup, she probably had an estranged kid
What if the parent doesn't have narcissistic personality disorder?
It also might be codependency, both are very bad but use you for different reasons.
Agreed, we didn’t create the problem how can we solve it?
I've tried for so long to fix the relationship with my parents. They chose not to do the same. Once I stopped contacting them, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. I don't have a family anymore but I've never been happier. If I die alone so be it. It's better than feeling miserable
You’re telling my story. I know that we will not die alone. We’re not alone. I’m not afraid to say that I have put God first, finally. It’s the best thing I ever did.
@@IMadeThis123 god is within all of us. You've decided to finally put yourself first
Blood may be thicker than water, but blood is not thicker than peace of mind. ✌️
As a parent who cares deeply for my children, I applaud you for trying to fix the situation. I have two sons, one that I have a close relationship with, the other won’t even talk to me anymore, or for that matter, his brother, grandparents, or anyone on my side of the family. And this is after I’ve made several attempts, apologies and many, many times sending communications which fall on deaf ears. I’ve tried to live on the best I can, but this loss has forever changed me, and I’m sure it has taken a toll on his brother. Such a waste of this wonderful gift of life we’ve been blessed with. And, people notice things too, always commenting about what seems to be bothering me cause I seem so down and have lost that lust for life I once had. I constantly try to hide how I really feel, but my son who I’m close with knows what’s really happening. The loss has deeply affected all of us.
You would have been alone away .
The therapist hit the nail on the head.
Parents cross the line with their kids one too many times and the child is done with them
💯
On behalf of parents everywhere GOOD FKN BYE
@@ecgcesare I told my mother to tell my sister the same thing "goodbye and good riddance"!. my sister is not speaking to my mom and now shes a pregnant teen. My mom is hurt I hate my little sister. She needs to go
@@ecgcesarewe see why your kids don't love our talk to you.
@@GigglewithFelix321 🤣🤣🤣🤣 stFu
I grew up in a narcissist family system. I am the scapegoat! You have to walk away in some situations! 🤷🏽♂️… a conversation can’t fix everything with manipulators and liars. Demons have the best mask and that might be your mother.
@dani cali mother or father! Or both!!
Very true and well said!
Yep. Scapegoat as well.
@@HankGallows hope you are healing ❤️
On the same path, cut her off 2 years ago.
Estranged from my family for 15 years and that has been the best yet very painful and difficult decision that I have made
Yep. 12 years for me. Yes, it's been difficult and painful with lots of doubt along the way- but still way better than the alternative.
Can I ask why u estranged from your family?
@@browneyedgirl4285 my mum remarried someone who had been estranged from his own child and the guy brain washed her to the point of isolating her from ALL of her family including her children.She had a traumatic marriage with my father and perceived having children as a punishment in life for unhappy marriage.As a result,there was lots of child's neglect and general lack of interest.I was fighting for her attention at first but then not getting received any love from her I decided to distance myself on all levels and work on reparenting myself instead.Not every parent loves their children
@@latexsalesmanwho ever said the pain was "good"? It's just the best possible choice available.
@@latexsalesmanit takes two people willing to work things out.If that's not the case , then there is no hope for reconciliation. My mother admitted she never felt like motherhood was her thing.She has been the happiest not having her children and family around and being surrounded only by her controlling and codependent partner she is very attached to.Its been "good" like you said in the way I finished psychology degree being inspired by my own childhood experiences an years of inner work which made me stronger whereas my so called mother decided that therapy hasn't been for her and she chose toxic path in life
When the parents are incapable of having these discussions and refuse to acknowledge their behavior and betrayals they don’t leave us any other option. At some point it becomes about giving yourself the dignity and respect you deserve and breaking the cycle with or without them.
Absolutely. There seems to be a fair degree of parental Personality Disorder (especially Cluster B) problems, in families with estranged adult children. Or at least enough Cluster B-type traits that have caused very serious, prolonged damage - and trauma. This makes 'working things through' even more difficult, and prolonged trauma in the adult child all the more likely. Going no-contact very often boils down to self-preservation and survival.
@@Being_BohemianDo you & Elise really know what you are talking about? Just wondering because you are making a lot of assumptions about other people's families that you know nothing about. You are speaking as if you are therapists, so let's just say you are... Do you diagnose your patients the day you meet them or give them a few weeks to get the basic facts out of them? I know a few parents whose "adult" children abandoned them without so much as a word. They didn't even get a chance TO discuss the situations. They are friendly and chummy with there parents when they need something from them, (like to help cover a bill or few, let them babysit when they need a break, fix their car, pay for ballet classes & sports for the grandkids, etc) but when the parent asks to have a conversation with their adult child because they're own adult children thinks their mom is drinking too much, and they want to know how they can help them, well then it is a different matter all together! Door is slammed shut, no conversation, and the so called grown child has a temper tantrum like they never had as a child, and when you call the next day, day after that, week after that, but they don't answer, there's no word from their son or daughter again... As therapists, why don't you facilitate a meeting for them to get to the heart of the matter? Because sometimes, it ain't all about the parenting!
@@dennisandromanzasorensen8377 "Do you & Elise really know what you are talking about?" -- yes they seem to have their facts in order. "Just wondering because you are making a lot of assumptions about other people's families that you know nothing about." -- Actually, family behavior is very predictable and learning about them isn't difficult in this day in age. They're called patterns of behavior for a reason and the FBI even has a unit that specializes in it. As for, "sometimes, it ain't all about the parenting!" -- you're right. *Sometimes* it isn't. Most of the time IT IS though.
@@Being_Bohemian It's not nearly as complex as some people want it to be. Family trauma is so hard to fix because of those PD's and denial they're even present.
All you're doing is making excuses for yourself
People have decided that they don’t have to have toxic relationships.
And they don't want to be infantilized and or kicked around anymore.
Parents need to understand that "fear" isn't a form of respect.
and you need to EARN it such as LOVE
Stop treating your children in ways you would never tolerate being treated yourself. If you can't pull that off expect your children to walk away and stay away. I won't ask parents to treat their children the way they expect to be treated themselves because way too many parents see themselves as gawds that their children should worship. Pro-hint - Your children don't want to be worshipped but they do want/expect to be respected. Respect your children as individual people and as the adult they have become and you won't become part of the 'epidemic' of those who are estranged. It's pretty simple.
What about when it’s the children treating the parents this way? This is more of what I see
@@user11mc What I see is the parent complaining to the reaction of an adult child when they are treated with disrespect. Most people who call themselves parents are adults and their children grow into adults who (shockingly) expect to be treated as such as well. Parents are not 'super adults' who get a pass to treat their off-spring however they want. If your adult child is treating you in ways you think they wouldn't want to be treated themselves you have to ask yourself why. Most parents will say it's because they're disrespectful, ungrateful little turds and then I'll know that the parent is projecting and that's how they treat their child. If you don't like the reaction of your adult child to you, change your behavior. So long as you think relationship issues with your off-spring is all how they are treating you, then you'll never explore or reflect on how you are treating them. They might be doing something wrong (having not learned to behave better from a rude parent who doesn't behave well either) but that doesn't mean the parent is an innocent party.
@@ellyk8834 no parent is perfect. Do you think you will be a perfect parent? Everyone is an individual and only because someone is a parent doesn’t mean they intentionally hurt their child. After 30 or 40 you can both be adults and respect each other.
@@user11mc And abusers just love to throw out "I'm not perfect." and the bonus of basically saying, "Do you think you'll be a perfect parent?" like that has any bearing on anything... Do you know what throwing that out there does? It allows a person (who is abusive) to write off any behavior that isn't 'perfect'. Well jeeze... Isn't that convenient. Parent hits child because they're having a bad day - "Sorry! Not perfect!" Parent decides to chronically ignore when a child (of any age) asks the parent to stop a certain behavior - "Oops! I forgot! Not perfect!" I cannot laugh hard enough on your last bit... No s**t you can both be adults and respect each other as such - that's called a healthy adult relationship. My abuser found it amusing to talk to me like I am an intellectually challenged 5 year old. Would you be okay with some other adult treating you like your IQ isn't high enough to add 2+2 together and sometimes get 4? I bet not so you don't get a parental pass to do it to your off-spring - that's the definition of being disrespectful.
So... How does one get their parent to stop caring about 'perfect' and using it as an excuse to be an a**hole and treat you as the equal adult you are? You could end a lot of estrangements with that nugget of wisdom. Healthy relationships require both parties to be content and respected. Abusers don't care about the feelings of their victim(s) - that's what makes them abusers and makes their off-spring estrange from them.
Lastly, intent has nothing to do with abuse. Do you think being shot on purpose somehow does more damage then a bullet fired accidentally from a gun? Shot is shot. Damaged is damaged and yes - only abusers think unintentional abuse isn't the same as 'real' abuse. Gross and of course a total tell of an abuser.
Elly K”-damaged is damaged.” YOUR words. 😔Please focus that massive knowledge of estrangement issues on remembering the good times and situations. All those feelings you have are ruining the good person I’m sure you are. Ditch it…it’s a bad look.🤞✌️
My family scapegoated me. Nothing I did was right. If I succeeded that was bad. I wasn't meant to be happy and successful. The more I distance myself the better I do.
Fellow Scapegoat here... It takes a very long time to unpack the insidiousness of Narcissistic abuse as a child. We are good enough. We always were. Misery loves company and they want everyone to be like them so they don't have to acknowledge that they are the bad/not normal ones.
Same here! I hope you find peace and prosperity!
We’re done, and we refuse to take ANYONES abuse, that includes family! #happyfriendsgiving
We parents are done too, I just blocked our toxic daughter all the way, no need to allow her toxic behavior continue to keep harming my heart and soul! This goes both ways, remember, parents are not saints,, don't put all their flaws under a microscope and exagerate, go examine your own choices if they are good or poor choices and take responsibility as a true adult, if you have committed a crime, then your parents have to go to jail for you?
@@BinZiegler first things first, congratulations for having the strength and the courage to make such a difficult decision. I hope you’re in a place where you can finally heal your spirit. I’m very much aware that children are also capable of executing toxic behavior to their parents. I never said it was only parents. I stated in my comment that you shouldn’t take anyone’s abuse. 🦋🌞
@@lilaccapulet Thank you for being so understanding, when I delivered all my daughter's last belongings to her friend (24 YRS OLD)to give to her since I no longer want to have any contact, I could not even speak, just cried and cried, he respects his parents, he was so understanding, just was quiet and gave me a hug, what a difference.
@@arcana_mystery care to share honey?
@@BinZieglerWe aren’t expecting our parents to be saints. One does not need to be a saint in order to not abuse their kids.
My husband confronted his mom about childhood emotional neglect , she just blamed it on his personality lol .
Going through that right now
Same. Even tried going to therapy and she literally gas light me. Made me seem ungrateful but refused to own up to how she always compared me to my cousin. And kept saying it’s because she needed love. I needed your love. I wanted the emotional support. When I finally spoke out about being bullied she said it’s because I was weird and didn’t act like the other girls.
That’s he’s “too sensitive”, right? Freaking narc parents.
Its his fault.. seriously 😳
Living it right now
Look at all the threats, abusive comments, and outright curses from the estranged parents in the comment section. They are so narcissistic that they don't even realize that they are telling on themselves. I've literally read comments such as, "A dark cloud looms over your head", "One day you'll die alone", "Watch your mouth", "You make me sick", etc... I could go on and on. But all of you brave and strong people have heard these comments all your life from your very beginnings, and you know all the phrases so I'll stop there. I want to thank you all for surviving, pulling yourself back together, and speaking out against this vile abuse that has gone on for generations. Thank you for doing what your parents should have done, protecting yourself and your children. Despite all the gaslighting and abuse you were able to put your head on straight and walk away. You are valid, and the comment section proves it.They always want proof. Look at the comments...they are the proof.
Yeppers.
They're literally proving why their kids cut them out without a hint of self awareness. It's almost funny. Almost.
Right! I was having a read 👀 Many parents think they are the victims 😂 I shouldn't be surprised. It's always about them. So many excuses! I've heard them all before 🙉 blessings to all the survivors🩷
And look at all the complaining overly dramatic kids in these comments. Most of them getting their allowance cut off is 'abuse'.
Remember, don't go to therapy with your abuser. You're just telling them exactly where and how to hit you to cause the most pain.
Very good advice!
Therapists can also be abusive. Be careful which therapist you go to.
I was beaten almost every other day by my mother when i was a kid. When i became an adult i cut my mother off to heal and recover.
I hope you are doing better now. Healing is a long process and there are many people who understand the struggle. Stay strong.
Beating I understand...my dad also did but I forgive him, that's the way he was treated by his dad ..
Kids today, are not willing to put up with there parents’ bullshit like in days past. Enough is enough.
@@formerfundienowfree4235keep crying, maybe if you cry enough MAYBE your children will come back🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣.
@@formerfundienowfree4235And you think that struggle will make them more grateful? On the contrary, it will permanently sever their relationship with their elders and they will use the supply deficiency in young people compared to old people to make elderly people pay competitive rates for caregiving in old age.
@@formerfundienowfree4235not at all. Poverty is high right now in this country, so that’s just stupid.
Because of the internet people are now more aware when things are WRONG. My grandmother was _abused_ by her father for 10 years and had no idea it was a wrong and horrible act, she thought she had to put up with it because he was her father, it was just something fathers did. Nobody ever told her she was being abused and that she could speak about it or do anything about it. So she suffered until she grew up and kept suffering until her father died. Now people know when things that are happening to them are evil. Their parents and family aren’t the only ones that influence their life. And they can read other peoples experiences and be empowered by that.
To dumb down this statistic into “people are just ungrateful nowadays! (back in my day we put up with everything our parents did to us simply because they were our parents)”… you’re either in denial or you had an absolutely perfect privileged childhood
@@formerfundienowfree4235 Nah its because the older generation relates through their psychological traumas and we don't accept that anymore.
Sad
I gave a parent years to change, since I became a adult & could choose contact, I chose to cut that toxic person out of my life.
I especially won’t have them or their side of the family around my kids.
Sometimes parents really choose to ignore the wrong they’ve done, or expect you to, & that’s not happening. All I can do now is break certain generational curses.
Toxic abusers and their enablers always pretend they are the victim, if a child has walked away from a parent it's usually a red flag about that person
Literally 99% of the time it is THE PARENT'S FAULT
@@cosmicreef5858 How self affirming for you guys...
Parents who form a proper bond with their kids, have a proper bond with them when they grow up. It's the feeling that brings people home. If that feeling is horrible, there's really nothing worth coming home to. Parents need to look years ahead and remember that memories of childhood stay forever. Do your best to make those memories mean something.
Act the d when your kids are young and they will resent you when you are old. Don't ever think you're getting away with saying horrible things to your kids - it will burn into their hearts and they will be forced to choose whether you are a cruel, abusive, imbecile - or they are worthless. Either choice destroys your relationship, and your own kids chances of having a happy childhood. You might not care now, but you will oneday.
I will never forget the hurtful things my parents have said to me. Never.
Parents don’t get to have relationships with their kids just because they want to. Why not? Because you don’t get to have relationships with anyone just because you want to. Not your children not anyone. No one owes you a relationship.
If you’re gonna hit your kids and scream at them because you’re mad or hit them because you’re in a bad mood, You are diminishing your chances of that person, allowing you to have a relationship with them when they have any control. When you constantly violate them, constantly treat them like an “other”, when you’re willing to make them feel unlikable, you are putting a down payment, or debt, if you like, towards your future relationship. A healthy child will grow up and say wait a minute, people shouldn’t hit each other if they love each other. People don’t humiliate and embarrass each other if they love each other. And they’re gonna look at you and wonder why in the world you would think you could possibly have a relationship with them. You’ve shown that you’re willing to humiliate them, hit them, scream at them, whatever. They don’t need you. They don’t want you. You did this. And you earned no relationship.
Nailed it!
Well said.
Haven't seen or spoken to my mom in 8 years. My dad for 7 years. No regrets on either of them. Don't need them in my life.
Why?
Ungrateful
@@dosomething691 Abuser.
Good for you bro.
@@dosomething691 If you love his parents so much why don’t you go and be their kid?
Here's what to do if you don't want your kids to disown you:
Don't infantilize them, work them to death, disrespect them, interrupt them, not answer simple questions, insult their intelligence, be overly critical over little things, get emotional over them having slightly different views on things, be a safety freak, suck them into your tornadoes, and ignore boundaries. And try to respect very basic wishes and take them seriously when they're being serious.
If you do those things, they won't cut you off and avoid you like crazy. I'm 30 and my mom tends to treat me like I'm still 10 yrs old at times. I've had to take care of her since I was 17 and she refuses to get extra help/physical therapy for fear of Covid and getting robbed blind. She's running me into the ground and everyone my age is way ahead of me in life. Some I've talked to think my mom is taking advantage of me. She and my dad never taught me to stand up for myself and I almost wonder if it was intentional (aka to keep me from rebelling). I really think my mom is guilty of being emotionally manipulative and, albeit unintentionally, being a gaslighter. When the caregiving eventually ends, I want out of the nest and want to be in my personal space so I can finally grow and flourish.
Every case is different. Sometimes, it's on the kids. Other times, the parents are responsible.
EDIT: One other thing to add to the list of things not to do: Don't tell family members or your friends/colleagues that your kid is willing to do something without asking your kid's permission first. My mom would sometimes be like "You want (insert my name) to help?" without asking me beforehand if I actually wanted to help with whatever it was.
Are you a therapist? I didn’t think so. The judgement is dripping from your words.
@@lab4389 There's nothing judgmental about telling the truth. Plus, I shouldn't be subjected to the things I just listed. My mom has no right to treat me, a 30 yr old, like I'm still 10.
@@lab4389 Then please do educate people in what was said there that was wrong, inaccurate or unhealthy. Just because someone isn't a therapist (or anything else) doesn't mean they can't know about a subject. Do you only accept knowledge you have gained through schooling/education or have you learned a thing or two outside of school and during life? I'm guessing you're not a therapist either so why are you so special that you can decide @finchb is wrong and decide what they said was judgmental? Maybe what they said wasn't judgmental but actually factual and accurate. If you didn't think on that then perhaps there is a personality gap for you to look at and self-improve on.
@@finchborat My mom was the same way. When I was a small child she would talk to and treat me like a mini-adult and when I failed to adult-child properly she would tell me there was something wrong with me. As I aged she started to treat me more and more like I'm a brain-damaged child. This reverse aging treatment seems like a super common dysfunctional/abusive/Narcissistic dynamic. Treating an adult child like they are a small child would be sweet if they had been that way when you were a child but is noting but rude and condescending to an adult. It also sends a subtle message to outsiders like they have to talk to you like you are a small child because something about you is defective or you're 'slow'. Other people will pick up that mentality because it doesn't occur to them that the parent might be abusing and that the problem is on their end and there is nothing wrong with the 'child'.
Yeah a lot of adult kids are cutting there parents and grandparents off for no reason these days it’s a cold sad world & are entitled Materialistic about money !
We are finally able to
Tell our parents how we really feel without being punished for it
Just argued with my uncle about this, WE your children didn’t ask to be here, yes we’re grateful to you but that shouldn’t make us beholden to all of your bs, the biggest problem in black families is the automatic transfer of certain responsibilities unto the children when they become old enough, some things are ok but there’s no reason any 16 should be paying rent to their own parents,
Guess what! Your parents didn't ask to be born either.
@@erikaannabosnyak9307if you’re not ready to have a kid then don’t fucking have one. Then your children will be REALLY wishing they weren’t born at all.
No, but they did choose to have children.
That's their choice. Why you having children if you cant afford to or commit to them?
@erikaannabosnyak9307
you should pay rent you ponce
@@DraniCondonat 16??
I'm so thankful that I live in a world where I don't have to have a relationship with another person if I don't want to. My mother abused me as a child, she had Munchausen by proxy and I barely got out alive. I still kept a relationship with her going, even after becoming an adult because I thought I couldn't cut her off. It almost felt like breaking some cosmic law but my life is so much happier without her in it. I just wish I could erase my memories because it sucks when I'm doing some daily task and she pops up in my mind. I will never speak to her again, it's been 3 years and I actually had a baby who is now almost 2 and she never even acknowledged her existence. The way I see it, she won't acknowledge life so when she leaves this planet, I won't acknowledge death. The end.
Stay strong and continue to heal.
Why would you even want her near your kid??? Peace
Good on you for protecting yourself, along with your precious daughter, who is growing up knowing that she's loved, not used. ❤
If my family wanted to go to a therapist we wouldn't have any of this. There is a refusal of making things "comfortable and safe for both". It's about power and domination of the parent which they don't want to give away.
100% and they are afraid to confront their short comings.
I was literally disowned by my parents at the age of 16. Just thrown out simply because I happen to be on the spectrum
. To this day they absolutely refuse to see or talk to me. They were embarrassed to be seen with me and considered me to be annoying and a burden.
I never lied, cheated, stole or hurt anyone physically or mentally. They just found certain Autistic behaviors annoying and rather than seek help for me they just get rid of me. I guess they just couldn't cope and didn't know how else to go about it.
Long story short I ended up getting my first place, graduating high school and MAKING IT! Later down the road I had counseling, started a journal, took up meditating, exercising, and overall changing the way I live.
You sound awesome.
Thank you! I'm a Homemaker for a living. The organization I work for sends "helpers" to people's homes with physical and developmental disabilities who need assistance with things like getting errands ran, house work, and getting their bills and rent paid. The organization is called Help At Home.
These services give these individuals an opportunity to stay in their own home as an alternative to a group home or nursing home. It helps them to be as independent as possible.
I have 4 clients. Very laid back and all a pleasure to work with! I'm also a peer counselor at my local mental health clinic as a side job. Also very rewarding!
Some fences will never be mended. It's been three years and I'll never speak to my abusive mother ever again.
Same. 6 years from me. Zero desire to ever touch that hot stove again.
What way did she abuse you?
@@theeggtimertictic1136 She had Muchausen by Proxy. I won't go into details but if you don't know what that is, look it up and read about it. I barely made it out of my childhood alive.
@@markcarrell8053All sin is equal - so what they're doing is no different than what you are doing.
Good, that is exactly what she needs, she probably does not want to speak to you either.
It's pretty simple: treat your children with love, kindness, respect and fairness. Model good morals and behavior they can and want to emulate.
Don't strike them, or threaten violence, don't pit one child against the other or play favorites. Don't malign them to others, undermine or neglect them, or raise them in chaotic, filthy, or unpleasant circumstances.
It's not that simple and my kids were raised with the moral compasses you mentioned. It all just suddenly changed and it was like they were completely different people. I still don't understand and it's a very painful situation. Don't always blame the Parent
@@joellataylor1828 My mother raised/beat into me good morals, all the things she didn't have and when I started to expect her to behave in the ways she preached? Boy was she angry... It doesn't matter what you teach/preach if your practices are something else. As soon as I hear the 'don't always blame the parent' I know I'm looking at a parent who doesn't want to take ANY responsibility. Blame is a subjective thing and really isn't productive. I am responsible/to blame for not having a relationship with my family. I am the one that ended contact. My mothers part in that is her behavior. Her very intolerable and abusive behavior. She is responsible for her behavior. Maybe it is bad or maybe I'm too sensitive but if she feels she's not at fault or to blame for anything? That's problematic and an unhealthy level of ignorance on how healthy human relationships work which is exactly the problem I am talking about and estranged from.
Or at least reserve the spanking for moments where it is warranted. Unpunished kids grow up to be horrible people.
@@finchborat People who are not taught healthy and proper boundaries grow up to be horrible people with disgusting mentalities. You can enact consequences and teach healthy attitudes without punitive punishments and hitting. Most people who advocate for hitting were hit as children and want to see it normalized so they don't have to deal with the emotional baggage from having been abused and/or are adults who hit their children, know they did so inappropriately and can't have it called abuse because - that would make their proclamation of absolutely NOT being abusive seem comical and obviously untrue. So, "I might have hit my kid but didn't cross into abuse." is their go to. The person who makes the rules - the parent - needs to be clear, concise and most of all FAIR on the boundaries around something so extreme as beating (sorry 'spanking') a child. The better I behaved the lower the bar was on what warranted hitting - it was almost like my mother looked for opportunities to hit and it had nothing to do with discipline... Oh wait! That's exactly what she did because she's a child abuser.
@@ellyk8834 Ah yes, the old 'Do as I say, not as I do' adage. My father did the same thing to me. He seemed to think that using fear would get him what he wanted, as well. When he couldn't spank any more, he yelled. When he couldn't yell any more he mocked. Then they wonder why you ended contact....
Oh no. How dare Adults move out of the nest and start a more functional life from their parents.
Seriously, isn't that point of parenting?
Are we seriously so devolved into control and parenting that you can't live a life with yourself?
Exactly. It's funny cause they say to you "The law doesn't force me to be in your life or be your parent after 18" Then won't leave you tf alone and try to control everything. Narcissistic families are the worst. I don't even know if normal people exist anymore.
@@lowki9446 Ik. They'll give you advice when you didn't ask for or want it and help when you don't need or want it. And you have some that will tell their 18 yr old kids to act like adults one minute and turn around and treat them like kids the next minute.
Not long after I turned 18, my mom told me "I'm not paying your bills" and I was thinking to myself "I don't want you paying my bills." A couple of yrs ago, she was like "I'll write you a recommendation letter" while I was talking about potentially applying for jobs at places desperate for workers during the Great Resignation.
I've had to help her in some capacity since graduating HS and caregiving is all I've done since graduating college (I'm 31 now). I've been forced to put off the start of my career and when caregiving finally ends, I'll be looking for my 1st ever job. And with the massive caregiver gap on my resume, I'll be lucky if I get a job at McDonald's. And my mom fails to realize we're not in 1975. Employers won't look at recommendation letters from a candidate's parents and they have massive expectations for entry level jobs.
She also insists I use some of the money in my checking account to buy stock and not let it sit there. That money is my nest egg and I'm gonna need that money after caregiving ends. I gotta find a way to pay the bills and there will be a long gap between the end of caregiving and me finally landing A job.
Why do you think they had kids? Because they could not live with just themselves.
@@evilds3261 More reasons to not have a kid and get help
The reason I can’t have kids yet is that I don’t want my toxic & abusing bioparents involved with my kids. My mother is a narc & denies she ever did anything wrong. She thinks because there are worse parents that she’s a good mom. Neither of my parents were ever there to raise me, I never had family to talk to growing up and if I ever tried I would just be verbally abused. I hate that these people called family assume they’re entitled to my presence now that I’m grown when they were never present when I needed it most.
I haven’t yet gained full independence from my family. I don’t believe child abusers are entitled to grandkids, they should be denied that mainly for the well-being of the children not simply to spite horrible people.
I really get what you mean my mom thinks that because she didnt physically beat me she was an amazing mom. She raised me in a dangerous cult where she abused and manipulated me daily. When I was depressed and suicidal at age 9 she told me I wasnt praying enough, told me god would murder me if I did xyz to upset him. She blamed me for my molestation by a cult member and helped them cover it up. She even got me falsely disgnosed with bipolar disorder and had everyone convinced that I was abusing her. Back then I felt like I was going crazy. I didnt know what was real. She would be arguing and yelling for hours, when I hit my breaking point and started crying she would say, "you abuse me and treat me like a slave!" Yet if I talk about any of the horrors I experienced she, "doesnt remember it thst way" or "tried her best." Needless to say I escaped the cult 5 years ago and I cut her off completely a year ago and it was the best decision of my life.
She will NEVER see my future children ever. That is for their protection.
Easy…here’s some advice don’t ask for money or loans. My kids act this way, but the part that hurts the most is that it’s usually if I say no to dishing out money.
Wow. Sounds like an awful kid.
@@user11mc i don’t want anyone’s money when i can make my own, i wouldn’t trade my freedom & happiness for something i can do myself. The issue is when people interfere with another’s ability to make money.
You just hate the 4th commandment.
Things seemed OK as long as I was useful to help with the grandchildren and rescue my children from bad choices. When I started setting boundaries, holding others accountable, and expecting reciprocal relationships it all blew up during a divorce after 46 years of marriage.
Hmmm... So before you started setting boundaries you were parenting in poor ways. Are you going to blame your children for the unhealthy ways you parented prior to setting boundaries or are you one of those parents that doubles down on controlling and toxic behavior by calling it 'boundaries'? Either way, you played a very big part in your situational dysfunction. Do you own that? If not, then you aren't just part of the problem, you are the biggest piece of the problem.
@@ellyk8834exactly
@@maggamoosie801 i was never a door mat, i was a loving Christian wife and mom who saw my marriage as my ministry. God always led and brought me to the place when He wanted me to let go and let Him deal with my family. He took my husbands life and I Believe He will transform my childrens heart and restore our family.
This is EXACTLY my plight.. sometimes it’s the child not the parent. I know I lived snd supported my daughter but she treated me horribly these last four years after becoming a single mom. I tried my best to repair the relationship but she is obstinate so I just pray and go in with life
@@deelightful6124I like this perspective but being a single mom is hard. I don’t know how she treated you but try to give grace specifically towards that aspect. Everything else is fair game to be upset about if she truly took you for granted. I wish my mother could/would babysit it’s hard not to resent her but I can understand that aspect. On the other hand she isn’t there for me emotionally and that’s where the rift is because when she asks for me I really try to understand and offer viable solutions. You sound like a loving mother I wish my parents were more like you.
What's causing it? Kids are people, human beings with human rights that adultist parents ignore. So basically its the lack of respect for their kids within the home and in forced schooling that distances kids from their parental overlords. So yeah it's not okay to ignore kid's human rights! It may be accepted by the state, but that doesn't mean using force on kids, is not a crime against humanity. Not a mystery.
Who has the time to beg for love?
We're not taking our parents abuse anymore! I 66 and my husband is 69.
My mother and father seem to never admit it when they're wrong and never apologize. Same for some relatives.
Cause they're pagans
@@Brody-Aleksander Dude, are you high by any chance?
@@stanzer09 I didnt even comment on this wtf
@@Brody-Aleksander Yes, you had a comment saying "It's because they are pagans"
@@stanzer09 JooTube getting real crazy with comments they censor...
There is an individual story behind each case. I have not spoken with my father for 20 years. And trust me, all sane people would do the same if they had the same kind of father. And still he pretend (or don't pretend) that he has no idea why I don't have any contact with him.
Too bad both my parents literally destroyed my life first.
Imagine having a father that threatens to beat the crap of you simply because you disagree with him about something, just to mention one example. You are forced to agree with him when he mentions everything he is ashamed of or disappointed about you. And never ever once in your entire life has heard a nice or positive word from him. And not even in a cold day in hell will he ever admit he has done anything wrong. After all these years, I still sometimes gets angry by just thinking about him. But I wish him a long and happy life. I just don't want anything to do with him. And it was way too late to fix a relationship between us that was never there in the first place.
Calling my family toxic would be an understatement.
It’s very telling how many estranged parents’ comments I see playing victims that their children “abandoned” them and are so “cruel” and ungrateful. Funny because I am estranged from my mother who was verbally and physically abusive to me but yet claims she has “no idea” why I don’t want her in my life and claims she is being “tortured” and “punished” and that I should just forgive and forget. I am responsible to myself to protect myself and what I wouldn’t tolerate in other people why would I subject myself to that from her? I stuck around out of obligation for so long, that is no way to live.
Needs to be pinned! These parents make me sick. They act clueless.
Things are simply different, people no longer have to take or stay in abusive situation because of "the times". Whether older generations agree or not is irrelevant because they will continue to die off and things will continue to change. Their approval has no bearing.
I do like the Therapist doesn't instantly put blame on either side, explains essentially its all context based and that its changing because older generations are no longer dictating how things are handled.
"Older generation!" I've got news for you...One day you will be the "Older generation," and I would love to see how your children treat you! What your generation is now teaching YOUR children is how to treat their own parents when they grow up. In other words, no love, respect, appreciation or even empathy for their parents, no matter how " wonderful " their parents were. This generation of parents, for the most part, makes me sick!!
@@jenniferdaniel1104 You're just angry your children left you because you were making their lives miserable. There are plenty of children who will still love and keep in contact with their parents throughout adulthood, but if their parents mistreated them, then that may not be the case.
@DrizzyB I'm not angry with my children. They didn't leave me. I didn't make their lives miserable. I have a wonderful, loving, fun relationship with both of them. But, I have witnessed so many older children treat their parents like crap. These adults are my friends, and I know they were very good parents. Their children don't want their children to be influenced by belief systems held by their parents. So, they have chosen to become estranged. Heaven forbid, we didn't use the " gentle parenting" approach. There was no such thing as a gentle parenting approach when we had babies/children. We all did the best we could and loved our children dearly!! I don't tell my girls how to raise their children. I'm proud of how well they have chosen to raise them.
@@formerfundienowfree4235imagine thinking that because people in third world countries physically dont have the means to leave abusive families it’s somehow not a problem that their families are abusive.
@@jenniferdaniel1104 you seem insecure
Lol, so many people in this day and age are experiencing the consequences of their garbage character and behaviors and don’t know how to deal with it.
Empathy? Give me a break. They’re the ones who decided to make their children and subject them to their own dysfunctions so the whole circumstance is their fault. You’re not entitled to “empathy” for the problems YOU create. People are so pathetic.
@@Cam70868 If you're automatically assuming all of the children are lying and all of the adults are the victim, when the adult has absolute power over the child for 18 years, that says everything I need to know about you.
@@Cam70868you are crazy
My estrangement was caused by my family trying to run my marriage with manipulative tactics & incessant judgements. My wife is a different religion, immigrant, race, etc. They don’t care to understand, they only desire obedience despite having no jurisdiction.
Protect her at all costs! She IS YOUR FLESH….. no matter what happens even if she cheats later…..this is biblical mandate you are a protector
@@flemutter7211Don’t protect cheaters, wtf
I'm estranged from my extended family and don't have any regrets, I'm going to cut off my immediate family if I move out too.
In the first minute, the comentator used the expression "mend fences". But that expression implies that there once EXISTED a pleasant relationship. This is often not the case.
I agree. Often "the fence"/family is a rickety, gappy and unstraight mess - not functional as a fence. With the dysfunctional family version it's not so much fixing the fence but tearing down the old and building a new. Most of the times the parents want to nail on a few boards and act like that's a fix. I wanted a new fence/relationship with my family. They did not. So I built my own fence (No Contact) and it keeps their BS out of sight and away from me.
@@ellyk8834
Wild hugs for you, Elly. I went no-contact, too. I did that long before the existence of the internet. It was back when I had no access to the "words" I needed to express the reasons for my resistance to having contact with my mother. I could only express myself with the one word, "No". Flying monkeys berated and condemned me, but to no avail. :)
The lack of any kind of 'FENCE' is usually the problem. 😅🤣😂 Boomers don't respect boundaries!
Parent: If you don't like being abused and mistreated while living under my roof, then there's the door!
Child: Okay bye!
Parent: Where are you going?! You really think you can make it in this world without me?! Don't come crawling back to me asking for any help when the world chews you up and spits you back out you ingrate!
Child: Don't be surprised when you never receive anymore holiday visits or gifts from me. Don't be surprised when I don't visit you in the hospital. Don't be surprised when I don't ever call or check on you in the nursing home or hold your hand in hospice. I will be joyful when you pass away, a sense of relief will wash over me. I will not be in attendance at your funeral.
Parent: I have no regrets in how I raised you, but you'll regret burning bridges with me! I'll see to it that you have no inheritance in my will. You're OUT!
Child: No, on your deathbed, it will be you who regrets your pettiness and pride. On my deathbed, I will have peace, self respect, self love, and self acceptance. Namaste 🙏.
More like....Nah, Imma Stay....The Hell Away From You (parents, golden child sibling, enabler relatives).
This gave me flashbacks to my mom telling me she would kick me out to the streets and then turning around to say I will always be her property and I’m not allowed to leave if she doesn’t want me to.
They'd rather zone out to tech. anyways.... much more comfortable rather than exercising humanity.
Growing up, my Dad’s side of the family always treated me like a 3rd class citizen.
So I estranged myself from all of them, including my eldest brother. Years later I made up with my Dad, but I forever disconnected from his side of the family.
It was not my Dad’s fault that he didn’t know about it.
How does he not notice that and has he done anything about it since he found out (assuming you told him).
I don’t talk to my narcissistic mother and haven’t talked in almost 3 years and it’s been so much better. She refuses to apologize for her narcissistic behavior and tries to hire therapists when things don’t go her way, when she makes her point, now it’s my turn to make my point she becomes defensive, in denial and told off by the therapist for her lack of respect which shattered her narrative that the focus was on just me when in reality it’s on EVERYONE. Her response is to fire the therapist, meanwhile smearing me to the only friend she has left, my brother who enables her behavior and maybe my uncle while also disrespecting the job I love telling other people I’m a loser. No one else in the family wants anything to do with her which early on I was told that EVERYONE else is the problem, but not her. It also damaged my relationships with the rest of my family because of it and it’s really pathetic. I take my responsibility and I know I need to do better everyday while knowing I won’t ever be perfect while also loving my current fiancé who’s been nothing but supportive of me which I greatly appreciate 😊
Ya mom don’t owe u sht
Do we have the same mom?
All I can say is that I hope your children do the same thing to you one day!!
@@jenniferdaniel1104 Cool story Jen.
@@jenniferdaniel1104 You sound like your life sucks and I feel sorry for you.
What I do notice in many of these estrangements, the adult children are heavy on cutting parents off and light on forgiveness. Communication, listening, boundaries go both ways. Parents, if you have been estranged from your adult child, please don’t beg; wish them the best, pray for them, forgive them, love them from AFAR and move on w/your life. Please do not deal with toxicity, rudeness and nastiness from your Adult children, do not fuss w/them, let them go and preserve peace in your life. Get involved in community activities, volunteer, enjoy friendships, outings, and interact w/your other children-if you have them, enjoy life.
Or maybe the parents can simply change their behaviors and stop being toxic parents. It's not always the son/daughters fault. Some of these parents are waaaaaaaay in the wrong.
Sounds like your ego talking. Assuming that you’ve been discarded by your kid(s) & considering your view, it’s not a surprise why they left you behind lol. That’s actually gotta be pretty embarrassing so I can see how you’re defensive 🤷
How many times do we have to forgive?
@@noinfoherebro
I’m sure there are toxic parents out there. Just like there are toxic people in general. The problem is it is all so subjective.
One young mother said she was “so done “with her parents because when she was leaving with her kids, they said “oh, you have to leave so soon…we never see you”.
She explained why she was “so done “. She assumed they didn’t appreciate the effort it took to pack up the diaper bag and some toys and drive 45 minutes to her parent’s house. When in reality the parents are really saying that she doesn’t truly ever visit. What they’re saying is They would love to see her for longer or more often. It’s been a really long time since our parents have been dealing with babies or young children and can forget how much work it is. Try to cut your parents some slack; not all of them are “toxic “or narcissistic.
@@robynalvin2849 When you say "not all" that generally means that you are admitting that the non-toxic/non-Narcissistic is the exception rather then rule. I agree. Would you say it's only 5% - 10% of estranged parents fit that category leaving 90%+ as toxic and abusive? That's a truth leak. You know and I know it's almost always the cutting off of a toxic parent. Everyone needs to get honest before family dysfunction gets fixed.
They don’t touch on gaslighting, abuse, emotional abuse and how this continues into adulthood. Just “cultural differences” 😒
its because of growing narcissistic awerness in people who finally understand how toxic their parents were so they finally take the best steps
Cut off all toxic family members and created my own beautiful family and friends that are extended family. No regrets.
@@arcana_mystery been doing fantastic the last 15 years so…
I love all the butthurt in the comments from abusive parents that are sad they can torture their adult children anymore.
And are here demonstrating all the mentalities that lead to estrangement while in denial of actually behaving that way...
@@ellyk8834 And are still wildly oblivious to how obvious it looks to everyone else.
THIS!!! ❤
@@SurvivorRevive”all of my children hate me, but it’s definitely not anything I did!”
😂 they're clueless about it
I don't have any sympathy for these parents because they never took responsibility for the well-being of their kids and blamed the children for their own stupidity. I hope more children will get enough courage to ditch their bad parents. Every child deserves parents but not all parents deserve children.
Fed up with Dysfunctional family dynamics
I don't dislike or hate my mother. I am disappointed in her because she continued to be a nasty person into her 60's. She has never apologized for abusing me and thinks I'm crazy along with the rest of my immediate family. Meanwhile I am living my life in PEACE. I refused to continue the cycle of abuse and walked away from family years ago.
I do everything for my parents, help them cook, do their hair, I am a stylist and don't ask for anything but just to go over there and hang out with them every once in a while and I feel they enjoy it when I come over but more and more I can't take it everything I ask my mom if she will watch my two grown boys 13 and 7 so I can go out to a friend's wedding or funeral... they guilt trip me or make up some excuse and I am thinking of not going over there anymore or doing any favors for them anymore I am fed up. Theyve been retired for quite some time now and never once offered to watch the boys or take them anywhere even for just a few hours.
I have to take care of my mom 24/7. I get zero help and very few breaks. She's paranoid over having her stuff get stolen. I feel like a slave, prisoner, and hostage combined into one.
I'm 31 and she treats me like I'm still a kid.
Sorry about that. I am almost 80 and always look after my grandsons about same age. One is on spectrum. I love them so much. To bad for grandparents they lose out❤
Some parents think their adult children are property, can tell them what to do, and are obligated to them for the rest of their lives.
And those are the parents who end up getting disowned and never see/hear from their kids ever again.
If you view your adult kids as children and treat them like that, your kids will leave and never return.
As a child of Asian parents, I can totally relate.
I wish everyone who is hurting- peace, comfort , enlightenment, healing & reconciliation!! ❤
Clearly you don't understand MANY adults go "no contact" after enduring decades of abuse by a parent who's unwilling and/or unable to change their unhealthy behavior. Going no contact gives these adults some peace on the path to healing. Whereas wishing for reconciliation is no different than wishing for the abuse to continue.
Some of its breaking generational trauma, some of its social media got everything thinking they are psychologists and out here diagnosing everyone with narcissistic personality disorder without understanding the nuances of things like trauma, anxiety, undiagnosed autism that can present what seems like narcissistic traits.
Boomers gonna boomer, just please don't expect younger generations to enable and tolerate it.
Wow you sound so enlightened. Do you do counseling?
@@formerfundienowfree4235 Did I touch a nerve? Perhaps you aren't as free from your former fundie indoctrination as you'd like to believe?
This is why job performance or customer service is lax and inefficient. If you are older you can see the difference. Before people tried to do their best. Millennials act like “youre paying me but I’m going to work at my level and just accept it. They think other humans should be honored in their presence. Then go home and think their parents should worship them. It’s an ingrained attitude of I deserve everything because I am me.
@@user11mc Or maybe it's because previous generations had the satisfaction and peace of mind of knowing that their hard day of work will result in them being fairly compensated and able to afford a decent enough quality of life. Younger generations do not have that same privilege and are being stretched thinner than ever. I think they deserve a little grace for not worshipping the older folk who are grossly out of touch with the harsh reality of trying to make ends meet as a young person in 2023.
😂😂 we need this on mugs, cups, tshirts and totes “boomers gonna boomer”
There are toxic adult children as well. Parents can also cut off ties.
And they usually do that 'cutting off' some time after they realize their off-spring cut them off first LOL
@@ellyk8834It's like quitting your job after being fired.
@@evilds3261 Yes and these abuser parents just have to be the one that is in control/took the action so they can play victim and say they cut their 'abusive' child off after that child has bailed. It's the DARVO and setting the narrative, "My child didn't cut me off! I cut them off!" **cue snotty tone and morally superior indignation**
@@ellyk8834The best way to discredit their narrative that you are "abusive" is to keep acting like you dodged a bullet in regard to leaving your abusive parents. Abusive people usually want to control their victims, but by treating them as if you dodged a bullet - that will not add up to their narrative.
@@evilds3261 Yes, but I didn't and haven't really dodged the whole issue - the abuse has stopped yes but I still remain without a loving, stable support system in family that you normally don't age out of. Estranged parents on the other hand, IF their adult off-spring is actually objectively abusive, then that parent who has never needed the emotional support of that child should not feel the need to maintain that relationship with the same longing desire an unloved/abused child feels.
It can’t always be worked out. I think it’s unfortunate that she didn’t say there are times when no contact is a necessary thing for a child to give themselves a chance for peace, and to heal not to hurt the parent.
These short TV interviews just don't have much time, you really can just say a few sentences. Most therapists understand that things can't always be worked out.
I’m an adopted child in United States of America and sometimes I want to disown my adopted parents, brothers, and sisters when they are bad!
😂😂😂
Its called accountability
When good intentions harm rather then help to better ones childres lives
Thats where ones children as fellow adults HAVE EVERY RIGHT AS FELLOW ADULTS TO EXPECT THEIR PARENTS TO OWE UP FOR THEIR FAULTS
PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH ESSENTUALLY
Narc Parents: How dare you tell me not to abuse you! So disrespectful!
also narc parent: how dare you go to a therapist to get help to put up with me being horrible to you, because that way I would have to accept that I either need to change or I will lose my children. Oh poor me!
also narc parent: how dare you go to a therapist to get help to put up with me being horrible to you, because that way I would have to accept that I either need to change or I will lose my children. Oh poor me!
I found out my daughter was hiding toxic things from me. She decided instead of getting help she’d cut me off. Be careful who you allow your kids to be friends with, I learned this the hard way. I will always love her, I miss her. I feel it’s also supported to cut families off by peers. She’s hurt her brother, grandmother, niece, ect. What did they do to deserve to be ostracized? Nothing. She was upset with me for finding out and instead of facing it, she left, ran away. Avoids everyone. You can’t tell me this is good for her. Its not. I worry about her constantly. I email her I love her no matter what and I’m here for her if she needs me. 2 years nothing. I confronted her once about toxic stuff and she left instead of talking it out. I even was willing for us both to go to therapy for someone middle ground and help us get through to each other. She decided to leave early without us knowing. I don’t know if she’s become a socialpath, narcissist or just immature. I hope it’s just immature and she learns to face problems instead of running from them.
Yup, this sounds about right. Getting tired of constantly getting insulted and having important decisions made for me. I'm stuck in my hometown and just want to get out.
Yea because abusive parents are so willing to stick to the boundaries. 🙄
Sometimes there’s a toxic spouse or toxic spouses family that are a closed systems that don’t allow for discussion, understanding, or forgiveness. The best thing to do is apologize to your child for any hurt you caused them, tell them you’re there if/when they need or want you, and move forward.
Never let toxicity cause a battle between the spouse/spouses family, and you. Never engage in the toxicity and understand your adult child is an adult and they have to make their own decisions and choices.
Its not the childrens responsibility to fulfill their parents needd
This is horrible advice. If the parents are abusers, no contact is the only healthy option. They will weapons therapy.
A child doesn't choose to have parents. But a parent chooses to have a child. You chose to bring them into this world, You chose to treat them in a way that hurt them enough that they couldn't be around you. YOU chose that. Now they're choosing to be happy and find peace. And you have to deal with the consequences of your choices.
Consequences for choices... That only flows one way with Narcissistic parents. Then when consequences blow in? They are gobsmacked. Welcome to the party pal! I've heard parents, when reminded that if they bully or use money to control/manipulate that when these children can afford to they might not choose to be around you say, "The threatening to go No Contact is childish." It's not a threat and their child, at least while financially reliant, is unlikely to threaten - "If you don't stop abusing me when I can I'll cut you off." so it was really more a warning of action and consequence. But in true abuser fashion everyone is wrong but them. LOL
Well sadly that doesn't seem to apply to every parent. I know someone who was raped & couldn't get an abortion. The pay. doc. said she should get the abortion due to have the baby was conceived. The physical doctor said no.She was able to deliver a baby. Turned out she couldn't deliver. She had to have a C -section. She was a single person who I know wasn't ver well off. I was her friend through this terrible experience.
She decided after such a horrific delivery C section & violent reaction to meds they gave her where she almost died from an Anaphylactic reaction to the Sulfer drugs they gave her. She was stuck in the hospital for around 2 weeks or more.
Was actually ill herself with FM which people didn't know about back in those days.
She did the best she could with her health, lack of funds & really almost no one to help her during her early days.. I did what I could when I could, but I had a full time job & my own family to care for .
She suffered much. She was ill often & had to find strangers to help care for her daughter.
She had it rough, but she made it. Now her kid is an adult.
I heard some years ago after she saved money for her old age .Her daughter took the money to buy herself a new car. The car got stolen and the money her mother, my friend had saved for yrs. was all gone!!
Her daughter said she would try to pay it back when she got a Lum so=um of money.
Well her daughter became a very successful woman making money in the high millions. Did she pay her mother back the $40,000+ her ma had salved & sacrificed for yrs. NO! She didn't!
My friend has told me this and is deeply hurt. Now her daughter refuses to take to her. She began running frothier after her ma found out about the money being gone!!
Before that they were like 2 peas in a pod. Her daughter was always around her. Coming over often & even living with her on and off when times were tough for her before she became a million several times over.
My friend tells me her daughter will not talk to her saying my firmed is living in the past. I don't think so. I think my friend just wants what was hers back! But her daughter ran away as soon as her mother found out about the money. She keep hiding & not letting her ma know where she was. To this day my friend doesn't know where her daughter lives so she can't ever get her money back or get back the close relationship they had.
So in my humble opinion. This daughter is the problem not my friend her mother. What R some of your people's thoughts regarding a an adult child being the trouble maker or problem not the parent.At least in this case.. Nuf said.
I just had to tell this because it isn't always something the parents did but maybe something the children did to the parents that ended the relationship.
Abusive parents don't deserve to have them children in their lives!
I wish my parents were emotionally mature enough for me to even show them this video, but if I did, they would try to make me the scapegoat all over again, and say oh “after all we did for you?!“ my parents are like emotionally stunted teenagers… I don’t need it emotional distancing and physical distancing. If you can makes a huge difference you can still draw your boundaries and have empathy. It’s hard and I support anyone else currently going through this like myself.❤
The thing is, parents say they do a lot of good things for their kids in order to guilt trip them. They abuse their kids, then have some nice moments so the kid feels trapped and doesn't want to leave their abusive parents because apparently they sometimes do nice things and the children feel obligated because they don't want to let their parents down for doing good things. The parent denies the abuse by saying they've done a lot of good things, why would the children leave? it's easy, the kids leave because doing good things for them doesn't make it okay for the kids to put up with abuse.
It's called breaking the cycle of generational trauma. I see a therapist. I have set healthy boundaries. I feel good. I've cut off more than half my family in 2020 and feel great. I only speak to a few relatives and that's it. Both my parents know we are both equal adults and my motto of having a polite conversation like adults if something is wrong (emotionally immature parents).Yes, they have implemented changes, apologized to me, and I acknowledge that and I am proud of them both for coming to their senses. However I do believe with certain things it can be too late because that other person they've hurt has made their mind up emotionally when it happened whereas the one who is now apologizing is playing catch up (if that makes sense). Due to past repeated behavioral patterns creating trust issues, they are on a tight rope with me and they feel it because me moving on, Im no longer putting up with it and not playing those games as an adult. I know they've said they are sorry. But understand I've put up with enough from both of them. Im DONE.
Don't mistreat your kids and you won't have this problem 🤷♀️. Folks, if you don't want your children to become adults who cut ties with you, SELF REFLECT AND DO BETTER.
I'm convinced my elderly father screams his head off and calls me names now as his adult daughter because he couldn't do it at the same abusive level when I was a kid. My mom just stands and watches. This is lesson. Most parents, not just men, deeply resent their kids and only enjoy the power and status of being a parent. Yesterday, my dad screams and calls me names until I cried then 20 seconds later tried to hug me. Then mom tried to swoop in like she's the good guy. Mind you, I did nothing but try to have a regular conversation. There's no point in trying to talk to most of our parents.
*GET AWAY FROM THEM.* 🛑
How about coming to terms, as an adult child, with being raised in abusive, neglected, addicted homes and finally putting up boundaries with parents who still don't acknowledge that?
Simple isn't it.
Our generations parents didnt want kids, they wanted their kids to be parents
We grew up on our own, and now we live and die on our own
My parents were supportive and caring as i grew up. But when i grew up there came also the problem.
I got married in my late 20s and contributed to interfere in my life. Leaving no independence or anything. Even my wife said "why are they doing this"...
It drove us to divorce and long and behold both my parents are now dead from smoking related illnesses.
They screwed up my life and left.
But it takes both parties to participate for this to work! Which is the whole problem of the boomer "my way or the highway" attitude.
We're sick of putting up with the older generations' bs.
Really simple isn't it. P.S. I'm 47
My son estranged me once his dead beat dad came into the picture. My son took his dad's side. I'm the lucky one.....
Remember the Framingham study? That's a long term study started, I think, in the late 50's or early 60's to study the relationship between lifestyle and heart disease. They studied the diet and lifestyle of a bunch of people in Framingham Massachusetts, to figure out the causes of heart attacks and heart disease. It's still ongoing today. It's how they figured out the connection between cholesterol and heart disease, and I think also the connection between smoking and lung cancer. Anyway, I with they'd do a similar study where they track a ton of families over several decades to see what factors lead up to divorce, mental illnesses, personality disorders, and parent/child estrangement. Aside from flat out, obvious abuse, I bet there are all kinds of other risk factors and correlations that people have no idea about. I think a lot of parents are doing things that cause their kids to develop personality disorders and the genuinely have no idea. I wish they'd do a long term study so they could figure out the factors that lead to all of these issues, so they could develop a screening test that could predict whether a kid is likely to develop a personality disorder, or if a family relationship is likely to end in estrangement in 20 years. This way at risk families could be identified sent to therapy before it's to late, or at least prepared for what's to come, if they refuse therapy. This sort of screening should be seen as a public health need for all kids, similar to how checking their vision or getting them dental checkups, or having a safe water supply are.
Most people who are detrimental to our health wouldn’t want to take the blame to themselves. They always look for a scapegoat this could be anything. Their ignorance is annoying and damaging. If there is a way to make such people change for the better I would like to know.
I cut out all toxic ppl even family members
My parents, both in their 80s now, are racist, close-minded, bigoted, and demand respect without giving it in return. They have always treated me, I won’t speak for my siblings, as though I should kowtow to their every need while they provided nothing but the very bare necessities growing up. Both are highly educated. Both are alcoholics. The recollections of our childhood experiences are vastly different, probably because they were impaired much of the time. If I try to discuss anything with them calmly, lovingly, compassionately, they become defensive and hang up the phone. 13 years ago, I gave up. I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been.
It's the kowtowing that did it for me. I will NOT kowtow to anyone. Period.
I will NOT tolerate toxicity. She had decades to cultivate a relationship and be a parent and chose not to. She doesn't miss me, she misses her narcissistic fix I gave her. She misses having a punching bag to manipulate. She can rot in hell.