Really love Sharleen’s take on question 4. The guy reminds me a lot of my ex who cheated on me in a similar way and would complain to the “other woman” about me and our relationship but never would leave. He never expressed these feelings to me about how he felt I wasn’t making enough time for him but made it seem to the other woman like he had expressed this. Makes me wonder in this situation if this guy has even tried to express to his gf how he is feeling in their relationship. As Sharleen said, no one deserves to be cheated on, even if they aren’t being emotionally available to their partner.
My husband snores very loudly, and after the birth of our second child (19 years ago) I moved to a separate bedroom. Happy sleeping from then on. I fully agree separate bedrooms do not mean your marriage won’t work. We’ve been married 27 years now.
I feel like homewrecker's would be sexual partner isn't giving her the whole story. If he really wanted to dump his girlfriend he would. I think he's playing her and I personally don't think she should reward a player. And even if he does want to dump her, his excuse that can't because she's going through a hard time is flimsy (she's an adult, come on). He's not worth it. I do agree that if she removes herself from the situation completely he'll dump his girlfriend very soon and will be reaching out to her.
I have to admit, I can't wrap my head around the one who said she wasn't attracted to the guy she's dating, because I don't understand how the sex can be good if she isn't. Does she want to kiss him and touch him when she's with him? Do they just not kiss at all until the lights are off? Is she forcing herself to kiss him and then once the lights are off she starts to feel attraction? For me personally, if I'm not attracted to someone, I'm not kissing them and we're getting nowhere near the point of turning off the lights, so I can't make sense of this.
Rachel, I too struggled with that one which is why I kept coming back to his "presentability". It felt to me like an analysis of whether or not he is objectively good looking enough, versus what she can get on board with in private. All of this to say, I totally agree with you and had a hard time understanding that predicament.
Ok, for sleep: my husband and I just switched to a king, but made with two twin XL mattresses strapped together. This allows us room to sleep apart and reduces feeling the other person's movements. On top of that, I sleep with Bose sleepbuds, which totally drown out room/partner noise. And, not related to a partner, but I also use a sleep mask and I mouth tape. Basically, I sleep like a hostage. A well-rested hostage.
@@eviep2 Yep, they are the exact size of a regular king. I have them strapped together, and also bought a center foam piece that fits/fills the seam, put a latex topper over all that and it's been great. You could also just get a memory foam mattress to reduce movement transmission - but I don't love the feeling of those.
I'm so happy to hear we're not alone! My husband and I are going on 25 years together and have been happily sleeping in separate bedrooms for the last 4. My grandparents did it while claiming to have a strong sexual relationship into their 80's so I figured if it worked for them, it could work for us too. It has solved so many different issues with snoring, different sleep schedules and me liking to fall asleep watching TV (which allows me to turn off my brain and not stare at the ceiling) while my hubby wants complete darkness and silence. I often overhear my kid's friends asking why their parents sleep in separate rooms, but it really works for us. ❤
Ear plugs WORK!! Get acquainted with them, Caller. They saved me in a couple relationships with very loud snorers. I’ve also done the separate bedroom thing for sleep reasons and it was fine! Sometimes we slept together, sometimes apart.
Q&As give me life! I always appreciate the judgment free zone here but especially love the brutally honest conversation around question 4. 99 percent of people would claim they'd do the "right thing" in this situation, yet so many people in relationships actually do cheat. It's as though people think lying about it makes you a better person. I love Andy's honesty and irritation at the hypocrisy of it all. It is not the OP's job to make sure the boyfriend behaves properly in his relationship.
your right its not her responsibility, but it take two to tango, if the other person wouldnt accept sleeping with a person already in a relationship, then cheaters couldnt cheat... it is more on the guy in this case, but its something that wouldnt be a huge problem if the other person had a bit of self-respect and said, "i anit no bus-down bitch, not gonna sleep with someone who got a partner, if you wanna get down, step-up use yo nuts and tell yo partner that your breaking up, then we can do this"
Sleep question. Thank you Sharleen for bringing that question in your podcast and thank you both Shandy for being honest and transparent! I started having insomnia once I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband). We had a queen bed at the time, and we eventually bought a King bed. However, by that time, the damage was done. I had bad insomnia for months, and there was no turning back of having this health issue. I never had insomnia before sleeping in the same bed with someone on a regular basis. Insomnia took away many of my young years (I was in my mid twenties when it started), I would sometimes sleep 2 hours a night. I was driving to work (on the 417 Sharleen will know this highway), I left like a zombie. I would refuse to go "girls weekends" trips, or stay up too late at parties. This was never an issue for me before or in university (where I would party and would be more stressed with exams)... so if wasn't about stress. It was about not having a good set up to sleep well. If sleeping apart would be more normalized and talk about, I feel that I could have avoided this huge issue in my life... it lasted years. I'm still and will always be a light sleeper. Like you said, sleeping is so important and biological. Let's normalize sleeping apart. (This is a good subject for a future blog post for me).
I have my own bedroom decorated the way I like with neutral colors and orchids.... sometimes I sleep with my husband but we know that his snoring can get out of control and it really affects my sleep patterns.... normalize sleeping like a baby in separate rooms!!!!!
get him into a sleep-study, snoring is actually very unhealthy, can cause big issues, if he needs a cpap machine, get him in there right away, snoring means your brain is getting less oxygen, and snoring can making you age faster, and change the structure/look of your face, making you more "ugly" conventually speaking
Woo! Love that you're representing separate beds! my parents don't usually sleep together as they're insomniacs at opposite ends of the night and light sleepers. 27 years so far! I'm considering going that route when I move in with my partner. definitely a sleep clinic, possibly anxiety management, and maybe earplugs for her?
Andy is so pro cheating for young people, ha. I'd say cheating is not a good thing to do, it's pretty shitty to knowingly have someone cheat. it's so damaging to people's self esteem after the relationship ends. Yeah it's both people's faults, but she knows he's in a relationship and can do the right thing. Totally agree she should just stay away until he's single. Not worth the drama. It's totally just a dry humping "friendship", better to stay away and let him fester in his relationship (also just because it's sexless doesn't mean it's not loving, super unclear if the relationship is otherwise good). ALSO I'd bet 90% of the reason it's hot is because it's cheating. I'd guess as Andy's saying it would be pretty boring otherwise. Remove the cheating element and I'd guess she'd be more bored of him.
For the attraction one, it can be useful for think of it as aesthetic attraction and sexual. Maybe she finds him sexy, but doesn't like to look. Good advice on this one! Total shame but better than the alternative of leading someone on.
Sleeping in separate beds used to be very fashionable back in the day! Some old shows demonstrate this (I remember seeing it in The Dick Van Dyke Show). There's even a book about the topic, "A Cultural History of Twin Beds" by Hilary Hinds.
Just a suggestion, because I’ve never written into a Q&A and probably never will, but I’ve heard you request writers to be as detailed as possible and also to not write so much. Next Q&A maybe mention your ideal page length or word count. Like what is the sweet spot for questions you’ve actually selected. Love the show btw easily my favorite podcast
They should make a template and link it in the description box with key questions....like names, ages, etc and a word count. People can fill it out and it's controled!!!! I love organizing, can you tell?
Regarding Lisa, the issue may not be about looks at all. I would be willing to bet that she "likes the chase" with a man, & is attracted only to people she still has to work to pull. I am basing this on the fact that she said she was initially attracted on the first date. She became less attracted as he became more accessible to her. If he "likes her back" too much, it makes him less attractive in her eyes. Watch her break up with them, then find him attractive again when he does okay with the breakup.
Love this! With my religious upbringing I have shame about so many things for no reason, so I thought that if a guy snores, it's a dealbreaker, and would feel weirdly ashamed about it myself! I also LOVE sleeping alone. Your situation, knowing how strong your relationship is, is revelatory. In addition, my mom has found great success with the c-pap, and I can sleep in her place with it when I visit because it's a STEADY sound, as opposed to loud, intermittent snoring. So I loved hearing about that!!!! You two honestly make life so much better 😆.
I can top the sleep issue. After four years of living together, my husband and I agreed we are happier living in our own houses. We get together about once a month. And all holidays, birthdays, etc. so we see quite a bit of one another. We are always excited to see each other and things have not gotten dull or routine! We get along better than anyone I know. And, we have been together for 25 years! Best relationship either one of us has ever been in! I realize we are not the norm (boy do I!) as it is the topic of much concern amongst our family and friends who cannot wrap their heads around this arrangement of ours. But we are very happy! So yes, I too laugh when I hear people who “worry” about a couple who don’t share the same bed every night. Relationships are complicated and each much navigate theirs in whatever way it works best! Apologies for such a long post…..I could have written much much more! Lol….all my best to you Shandy, you two are very wise for your young years ( my husband and I are 70 years young😘) and we love your podcast!
you got marries in yo 50's, so im sure it works out amazingly for you, but it wouldn't for most younger couples...you cant have good family dynamics/ raise a family with two parents in different houses... but im glad your marriage is going strong, and you two are happy!!
Totally agree that sleeping with separate beds is totally fine. Additionally want to point out there is nothing wrong in bringing this topic up and encouraging him to visit a sleep clinic. My husband and I were in a similar situation, I am a light sleeper and he snores in sleep. I made him talk to his doctor about it and they eventually diagnosed him with sleep apnea. Now he wears his machine to bed every night, good for him (treatment of sleep apnea is very important) as well as good for me because no more snoring.
I know I’m late this this episode but with the sleeping thing I’m the opposite! I have to sleep with someone else. I grew up always sharing a room and after I moved out I had roommates. Now I can’t sleep without someone. When I had covid and my husband had to sleep in a separate room I got horrible sleep! And to make matters worse we are both terrible sleep partners- we snore, move, and steal blankets.
Another great Q&A episode, Shandy! And I love it when you and Andy disagree because it broadens the perspective of things sometimes. (P.S. Your outfit makes me think of Jane from Disney's "Tarzan"!!!)
"Chocolate chip, banana bread!" I let a very good friend of mine sleep in my hotel room in the other bed! He talked and talked until I was falling asleep. At one point, I asked him to stop talking but also noticed that he was actually sleeping! Then, out came the famous phrase - loud and clear! We still laugh about it!
Thank you for addressing the sleeping question. Couldn’t agree with you more. Sleeping apart to a have a better sleep is way more important than sleeping together because you worry how that comes across.
Q2: I like Shandy's advice. Give it a few more weeks (2 or 3) and if it's still going strong, you should definitely tell your friend. Trust and being transparent is important in a friendship.
For the sleep question, My fiancé and I have found that a tempur pedic mattress helps reduce the amount of times I wake up when she tosses and turns. Also I snore so she wears earplugs to deal with that. I totally agree that later we will likely get separate beds to sleep better.
I definitely love the advice to have separate beds (I also love the separate rooms for space) advice from the video and from the comments!!! Getting a good night's rest by having a different bed and having a separate space (like a separate bedroom) shouldn't impact your relationship especially since you are SLEEPING or winding down at night! 💞
Separate beds are a good idea for many couples. No need to struggle through the night if you don’t have to. I think that WBHM would be better off taking the high road and not hanging out with the guy… I think she would feel better about it in the future.
I have always had a Jeff Goldbloom attraction...your are right it is not an always attraction but a specific timeframe attraction...I dont follow him enough to say which timeframe that is but still!
The question around 1 hour 10 minutes made me have an epiphany! I have had the "not attracted to" issue and it DOES have to do with presentation!! In a different way than you're saying... I don't think there's anything physically wrong with the guy, I just don't want him to make me look stupid... ie, had this awesome bf that checked ALL of the boxes but he had tourettes. Thanks for pointing at my issue!
Sharleen, I agree with you that she should not get physical with the guy, but I also agree with Andy that she shouldn't see him at all. Their relationship is not a friendship, especially since she's developed disdain for him. And I feel he's using her emotionally. When non-single people who aren't actually friends feel sexual chemistry, voluntarily hanging out is a form of cheating. P.S. My sister and brother-in-law sleep in separate rooms. He needs a bit of light and she needs it totally dark, and they both desperately need to sleep well. I doubt it's their first choice but they've gotten used to it.
The caller about attraction. You focused on looks. But in my circle a common problem is that some people have turbulent relationships and mistake those highs and lows with attraction and chemistry. And then if there is a good guy /girl who doesn't give the rollercoster it seems boring and that smth is missing when in reality it is what you need.
When you can't find them attractive - I have a different take than both Sharleen and Andy. I 100% agree with Sharleen and I too am a sapio sapien. If I'm truly attracted to someone for their mind, even if other people may not find them attractive I don't care...they become attractive to me and that's what matters. However...I have had one instance that showed me there is the reverse of that... In college, I had an instance where I felt like the woman that wrote in to you. My guy checked a lot of boxes, I was longing for a relationship, and with lights off things got steamy and the thing is - by most people's standards, he was extremely conventionally attractive. BUT to me...in every day moments I struggled, asking myself "why don't I find him attractive...why don't I just enjoy staring at his face". I'm not shallow at all. I think the answer is actually exactly why Sharleen says she likes people for their personality. You can also not like the way someone looks because of things you don't like in their personality. What I realized about my guy was that I was forcing the relationship. On some level, my mind knew that he wasn't my person...but because he checked so many other boxes and was so nice and so into me...I was forcing it. Deep down inside no matter how attractive he was to others, I didn't find him attractive because I knew deep inside that he wasn't the right fit for me. The initial gut feeling was "I'm not attracted to this person physically why can't I overcome that" but when I dug deeper it was actually the reverse effect of liking someone for their personality - when I was honest, I actually didn't like a lot of things about him. But in wanting to make it work, I wasn't honest with myself and was sweeping those signs (minor and major) under the rug because I wanted to like him. Maybe that's not this woman's issue but maybe it is. She may struggle to not like his appearance because in reality deep down there are other turn-offs that she's not admitting to herself or hasn't fully realized yet. She may actually just not be that into him and maybe she's forcing it. I think when you sometimes subconsciously know you're forcing it... you almost start to resent the situation and it's hard to just look at that person with starry eyes. I think a lot of women actually push themselves to make things work instead of trusting our gut. If she isn't attracted, my bet is things aren't as perfect in all the other areas as she thinks it is, and telling her to keep trying could potentially put her in a position of ultimately settling or getting even more turned off. The longer she continues the more confusing it can potentially get for both her and the guy as things like the steamy aspects and simply having someone to talk to...etc can get confused for love... when it sounds like maybe she's forcing it. Just my opinion! Love your podcast!!!!
I want to start off by saying "Thank You" to both of you for making me literally laugh out loud! I actually lost how many times this happened during this episode. Sharleen, I think it's safe to say I have a total girl crush on you. I watched you on the Bachelor and love All The Pretty Pandas. I was obsessed with your beauty picks and Sephora buys too. I have become A "Pink Lady" because of you. I never leave home without it. Anyway, you can post and let us know if you have any updates or new products??? Quick Question: Who gets the Cozy Earth sheets when you sleep separately? I'm guessing Andy because of his night sweating issues ( Btw which is my husband too) My opinion to the home wrecker: NO! NO! NO! If he breaks up with girlfriend absolutely but a big NO if he doesn't. I think about his girlfriend and think about how you would think if tables were turned!
This is a legit question but does anybody know why fantasizing is indeed healthy like Shandy said? Couldn't fantasizing lead to reality for some of us who can't control our thoughts? Usually if I have a crush on a guy and I start thinking about him more it magnifies things for me and inflates the situation to an unnecessary proportion
Q3 this happened to me too. I literally could care less, if I can’t function because of your snoring, I sleep in a separate bed & have no problem. You still sleep together time to time & have intimacy. Thankful for a parter with empathy & common sense. I think more people do this than some would think. I’m called a mouse because I barely disturb anything movement wise, even walking around I spook my parter & have been told at night you can barely hear my breathing.. if I was with someone like me it wouldn’t be a problem lol it says nothing about the relationship itself. Opposites attract after all. I got a weird look from a friend when they found out but day to day functioning matters more than perceptions not based in reality. No shame :)
Okay, so I have chronic insomnia. I’m the worst case I know of, if I do not medicate myself, I will be awake for four days. Probably longer, I’ve just never let myself find out. My partner is a HORRIBLE snorer. Thunderous. God awful. The only solution I’ve found to this is a Bluetooth sleep mask. Yes, you’ll have to adjust to sleeping with white noise if you’re not already. But once you do, I promise that you will sleep deeper. What wakes us isn’t noise itself, it’s inconsistency of noise. White noise is consistent all night long. Hope this helps someone!
Re: separate beds, we don’t have an extra room and neither of us would like to be permanently on the couch. It is a priority for our next house that we can both have our own rooms lol
Please invite a sleep expert to your podcast to discuss the separate beds but happy marriage concept. I know I would learn something useful to help normalize the conversation when I bring it up in conversation with friends. In short, married for 9 years together for 15. He snores. I can’t take repetitive noises in the night. We fell prey to the concept separate beds was equal to a bad relationship. We were tired and frustrated. Then we had 2 kids so sleeping became a concept of the past! But I have to thank COVID. It took just one exposure, and my husband banished to a separate room, to realize our need. Today we mostly sleep apart and our marriage couldn’t be better. Not waking up already annoyed with each other helps! Exactly as you said, sleeping is a function. As babies and children we sleep alone (and awesomely) so why does marriage suddenly mean it’s best meant as a group activity? Sorry this wasn’t short but I am passionate about normalizing this concept (our very young children understand so I know it’s possible!). Loved this episode, love this podcast, and adore you both. Shandy on!
Oh how I love the two of you. I listen to all of your episodes and enjoy the professionalism of your shows. I strongly believe you have given the wrong advice to the writer who has a concern with her partner keeping a ring from an ex. Most of us have little trinkets from our past that we cherish for the memories, but not an engagement ring from an ex. I feel he is holding on to it in hopes of rekindling something. I have an ex who bought me a beautiful pink diamond engagement ring and he still has it to this day, about five years later. He has told me numerous times in the past that he will never sell it, in hopes we would get back together. This is an engagement ring not a concert ticket, bus ticket or even a rose flattened between an old book. Oh and I am a fellow Canadian so that's why I took a delicate approach to this.
My friends, in their early 30s, she is from Germany, he is from Costa Rica rent a 2 bedroom apartment so they can each have their own room. Why can't we make this more acceptable instead of it somehow meaning anything besides wanting a good nights sleep and some private space now and then? Next serious relationship I'm in will involve separate beds and rooms...for sleeping :) I dated a man once who, upon discovering I'd gone to the sofa to sleep came stomping out of my room in a rage and demanded I return to the bed. He was ridiculously insulted by my need for a good nights sleep. Needless to say, that ended things :)
The second story- i know they probably changed the names, but it's funny that the author doesn't know if she should say anything but it's ok to describe the whole thing in the internet where any of his friends can watch it and recognise the situation and he will find out about it fromnthe podcast😁 but I enjoy so muc watching of all your podcasts and love the advise :)
This is old but I want an update. The would be homewrecker is delusional and she's also devaluing herself. He's already cheated emotionally by bashing his girlfriend to her, glad Andy pointed that out. The magic is just taboo, once it stops being taboo it won't be as hot. I know they aren't married but we need to hold ourselves to higher standards and I bet you this guy will actually find another girl to "cheat" with in no time. The would be homewrecker needs to walk away and wait until he cleans up his house. He's using one woman for sexual release and therapy...but the virgin is his future wife.
No, no, no, no, no. The ring clearly HAS meaning to him or he wouldn't keep it in a lockbox at the bank. If the ex means nothing to him, the ring and its value should mean nothing. Also, why on earth has he told the new girlfriend that he has it and it's in his lockbox? That's just WEIRD. I'm saying this as someone who has long been hung up on many of my exes and my current girlfriend has helped teach me how to let go of the past. (I haven't completely done so, but I'm learning better how to focus on the present and stop living in my romantic dreamland--not just of my exes but of my adventures in Europe and other things I did in my younger years. I'm 57, and a total romantic soul.)
I would find it far weirder if he hadn't told his girlfriend about it...? That would be sketchier to me than this scenario where he has openly revealed he still has it. Also, he's been with his current girlfriend (the question asker) for 2+ years, so they're not exactly a new relationship. Trust is everything; he trusts her with that information, so why not acknowledge that trust with trust in return?
Here is how the writer can tell. Does this guy have other sentimental keepsakes from past relationships around? If yes, then maybe the ring is sentimental (but maybe not), And she could be equally as mad at those. If he doesn't have keepsakes around--he is pissed that his stock went down.
2nd question: im feeling like you two are kinda playing dumb for the sake of a good show. you gotta know, that the gurl has ben pining after dan th hole time he was with katie, while kinda friend-zoning alex, the whole time. I bet that alex has been doing tons for the lady, while she only has eyes for dan, im willing to bet that she will keep sleeping with dan, and will eventually end up staying in the states and keep seeing dan, she is fooling herself that this is a casual thing, shes has prolly been obsessed with dan the whole time, waiting for him to break up with katie so she could swoop in and grab him...i feel bad for alex, i bet dan has known that alex has been obsessed with the l;ady forever and that he just dont got game, so he ended up sleeping with his homies long time crush within the friend group... alex is gonna be crushed, dan is an asshole for not telling alex, using his meatballs and fessing up to his "homie since childhood"... common dan do better
A true Shandy is someone who listens to every episode and over and over while waiting for new episodes. 😁
Agree as I tend to do this as well😄
Yes!!!
@@Joan-COYI Me too!!
As a single woman in San Francisco, Andy's assessment could not be more accurate. So the saying goes in SF: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd"
We need a BTS of these thumbnail photo shoots 😂
Oh boy I have a feeling every listener is vying for the title of “The Truest Shandy of Them All.”
Really love Sharleen’s take on question 4. The guy reminds me a lot of my ex who cheated on me in a similar way and would complain to the “other woman” about me and our relationship but never would leave. He never expressed these feelings to me about how he felt I wasn’t making enough time for him but made it seem to the other woman like he had expressed this. Makes me wonder in this situation if this guy has even tried to express to his gf how he is feeling in their relationship. As Sharleen said, no one deserves to be cheated on, even if they aren’t being emotionally available to their partner.
My husband snores very loudly, and after the birth of our second child (19 years ago) I moved to a separate bedroom. Happy sleeping from then on. I fully agree separate bedrooms do not mean your marriage won’t work. We’ve been married 27 years now.
I feel like homewrecker's would be sexual partner isn't giving her the whole story. If he really wanted to dump his girlfriend he would. I think he's playing her and I personally don't think she should reward a player. And even if he does want to dump her, his excuse that can't because she's going through a hard time is flimsy (she's an adult, come on). He's not worth it. I do agree that if she removes herself from the situation completely he'll dump his girlfriend very soon and will be reaching out to her.
He seems a bit shady, and she seems very pick-me. I feel bad for the "frigid" girlfriend.
I have to admit, I can't wrap my head around the one who said she wasn't attracted to the guy she's dating, because I don't understand how the sex can be good if she isn't. Does she want to kiss him and touch him when she's with him? Do they just not kiss at all until the lights are off? Is she forcing herself to kiss him and then once the lights are off she starts to feel attraction? For me personally, if I'm not attracted to someone, I'm not kissing them and we're getting nowhere near the point of turning off the lights, so I can't make sense of this.
Rachel, I too struggled with that one which is why I kept coming back to his "presentability". It felt to me like an analysis of whether or not he is objectively good looking enough, versus what she can get on board with in private. All of this to say, I totally agree with you and had a hard time understanding that predicament.
@@dearshandy And I think that was an excellent take. It's the only thing that makes sense to me as well. Maybe like Charlotte with Harry in SATC.
Ok, for sleep: my husband and I just switched to a king, but made with two twin XL mattresses strapped together. This allows us room to sleep apart and reduces feeling the other person's movements. On top of that, I sleep with Bose sleepbuds, which totally drown out room/partner noise. And, not related to a partner, but I also use a sleep mask and I mouth tape. Basically, I sleep like a hostage. A well-rested hostage.
That sounds interesting. So, do two XL twin mattresses fit perfectly on a king size bed frame and/or box spring?
@@eviep2 Yep, they are the exact size of a regular king. I have them strapped together, and also bought a center foam piece that fits/fills the seam, put a latex topper over all that and it's been great. You could also just get a memory foam mattress to reduce movement transmission - but I don't love the feeling of those.
@Kimberly F. Wow, nice. Thanks. I have to try that.
I'm so happy to hear we're not alone! My husband and I are going on 25 years together and have been happily sleeping in separate bedrooms for the last 4. My grandparents did it while claiming to have a strong sexual relationship into their 80's so I figured if it worked for them, it could work for us too. It has solved so many different issues with snoring, different sleep schedules and me liking to fall asleep watching TV (which allows me to turn off my brain and not stare at the ceiling) while my hubby wants complete darkness and silence. I often overhear my kid's friends asking why their parents sleep in separate rooms, but it really works for us. ❤
Ear plugs WORK!! Get acquainted with them, Caller. They saved me in a couple relationships with very loud snorers. I’ve also done the separate bedroom thing for sleep reasons and it was fine! Sometimes we slept together, sometimes apart.
earplugs for sure...agree!
Yes to ear plugs! They're not foolproof but they have saved me from countless snore-induced wake-ups.
love Andy's Bob Ross socks!
Q&As give me life! I always appreciate the judgment free zone here but especially love the brutally honest conversation around question 4. 99 percent of people would claim they'd do the "right thing" in this situation, yet so many people in relationships actually do cheat. It's as though people think lying about it makes you a better person. I love Andy's honesty and irritation at the hypocrisy of it all. It is not the OP's job to make sure the boyfriend behaves properly in his relationship.
your right its not her responsibility, but it take two to tango, if the other person wouldnt accept sleeping with a person already in a relationship, then cheaters couldnt cheat... it is more on the guy in this case, but its something that wouldnt be a huge problem if the other person had a bit of self-respect and said, "i anit no bus-down bitch, not gonna sleep with someone who got a partner, if you wanna get down, step-up use yo nuts and tell yo partner that your breaking up, then we can do this"
I’ve been happily married since 2008, and we mostly sleep in separate beds. We both sleep better this way ❤️
Sleep question. Thank you Sharleen for bringing that question in your podcast and thank you both Shandy for being honest and transparent! I started having insomnia once I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband). We had a queen bed at the time, and we eventually bought a King bed.
However, by that time, the damage was done. I had bad insomnia for months, and there was no turning back of having this health issue. I never had insomnia before sleeping in the same bed with someone on a regular basis.
Insomnia took away many of my young years (I was in my mid twenties when it started), I would sometimes sleep 2 hours a night. I was driving to work (on the 417 Sharleen will know this highway), I left like a zombie. I would refuse to go "girls weekends" trips, or stay up too late at parties. This was never an issue for me before or in university (where I would party and would be more stressed with exams)... so if wasn't about stress. It was about not having a good set up to sleep well.
If sleeping apart would be more normalized and talk about, I feel that I could have avoided this huge issue in my life... it lasted years. I'm still and will always be a light sleeper. Like you said, sleeping is so important and biological. Let's normalize sleeping apart. (This is a good subject for a future blog post for me).
I agree 100%
Yeah I'm a true Shandy. Wouldn't miss any episode ❤
Haha thank you, Ira!! #TRUESHANDY
I have my own bedroom decorated the way I like with neutral colors and orchids.... sometimes I sleep with my husband but we know that his snoring can get out of control and it really affects my sleep patterns.... normalize sleeping like a baby in separate rooms!!!!!
L
The timing of this episode is hilarious considering I had to sleep in our guest room last night due to my husband’s snoring 😂
I FEEL YOU.
get him into a sleep-study, snoring is actually very unhealthy, can cause big issues, if he needs a cpap machine, get him in there right away, snoring means your brain is getting less oxygen, and snoring can making you age faster, and change the structure/look of your face, making you more "ugly" conventually speaking
How refreshing: you don’t HAVE to sleep together!!!!!!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Fun t hen it tynh ynu nyu h you buy but hunt ku😮😮k😮no jonj😊on no no no on. MJ. N Mimmmml 1:08:38 m 1:08:38
Woo! Love that you're representing separate beds! my parents don't usually sleep together as they're insomniacs at opposite ends of the night and light sleepers. 27 years so far! I'm considering going that route when I move in with my partner. definitely a sleep clinic, possibly anxiety management, and maybe earplugs for her?
Andy is so pro cheating for young people, ha. I'd say cheating is not a good thing to do, it's pretty shitty to knowingly have someone cheat. it's so damaging to people's self esteem after the relationship ends. Yeah it's both people's faults, but she knows he's in a relationship and can do the right thing. Totally agree she should just stay away until he's single. Not worth the drama. It's totally just a dry humping "friendship", better to stay away and let him fester in his relationship (also just because it's sexless doesn't mean it's not loving, super unclear if the relationship is otherwise good).
ALSO I'd bet 90% of the reason it's hot is because it's cheating. I'd guess as Andy's saying it would be pretty boring otherwise. Remove the cheating element and I'd guess she'd be more bored of him.
For the attraction one, it can be useful for think of it as aesthetic attraction and sexual. Maybe she finds him sexy, but doesn't like to look. Good advice on this one! Total shame but better than the alternative of leading someone on.
Can I just say, I so appreciate that you added comments after each question as you watched, because I totally do that too. 😄
@@Rachel-rs7jn I'm so glad I'm not the only one 😂
I’m from Pittsburgh Pa. Our plural for you is “yinz.”
Sleeping in separate beds used to be very fashionable back in the day! Some old shows demonstrate this (I remember seeing it in The Dick Van Dyke Show). There's even a book about the topic, "A Cultural History of Twin Beds" by Hilary Hinds.
Just a suggestion, because I’ve never written into a Q&A and probably never will, but I’ve heard you request writers to be as detailed as possible and also to not write so much. Next Q&A maybe mention your ideal page length or word count. Like what is the sweet spot for questions you’ve actually selected.
Love the show btw easily my favorite podcast
They should make a template and link it in the description box with key questions....like names, ages, etc and a word count. People can fill it out and it's controled!!!! I love organizing, can you tell?
I was thinking of word count too!
Regarding Lisa, the issue may not be about looks at all. I would be willing to bet that she "likes the chase" with a man, & is attracted only to people she still has to work to pull. I am basing this on the fact that she said she was initially attracted on the first date. She became less attracted as he became more accessible to her. If he "likes her back" too much, it makes him less attractive in her eyes. Watch her break up with them, then find him attractive again when he does okay with the breakup.
Love this! With my religious upbringing I have shame about so many things for no reason, so I thought that if a guy snores, it's a dealbreaker, and would feel weirdly ashamed about it myself!
I also LOVE sleeping alone.
Your situation, knowing how strong your relationship is, is revelatory.
In addition, my mom has found great success with the c-pap, and I can sleep in her place with it when I visit because it's a STEADY sound, as opposed to loud, intermittent snoring. So I loved hearing about that!!!!
You two honestly make life so much better 😆.
Omg 😆 I almost dropped my weights while working out listening to this episode. Andy is hilarious!!!!
Me too. I lost count how many times I laughed outside watching this!
I can top the sleep issue. After four years of living together, my husband and I agreed we are happier living in our own houses. We get together about once a month. And all holidays, birthdays, etc. so we see quite a bit of one another. We are always excited to see each other and things have not gotten dull or routine! We get along better than anyone I know. And, we have been together for 25 years! Best relationship either one of us has ever been in! I realize we are not the norm (boy do I!) as it is the topic of much concern amongst our family and friends who cannot wrap their heads around this arrangement of ours. But we are very happy! So yes, I too laugh when I hear people who “worry” about a couple who don’t share the same bed every night. Relationships are complicated and each much navigate theirs in whatever way it works best! Apologies for such a long post…..I could have written much much more! Lol….all my best to you Shandy, you two are very wise for your young years ( my husband and I are 70 years young😘) and we love your podcast!
you got marries in yo 50's, so im sure it works out amazingly for you, but it wouldn't for most younger couples...you cant have good family dynamics/ raise a family with two parents in different houses... but im glad your marriage is going strong, and you two are happy!!
Totally agree that sleeping with separate beds is totally fine. Additionally want to point out there is nothing wrong in bringing this topic up and encouraging him to visit a sleep clinic. My husband and I were in a similar situation, I am a light sleeper and he snores in sleep. I made him talk to his doctor about it and they eventually diagnosed him with sleep apnea. Now he wears his machine to bed every night, good for him (treatment of sleep apnea is very important) as well as good for me because no more snoring.
I love the way that Sharleen laughs when Andy talks and love Shandy
sharlene, you have to check out jeff goldblum in earth girls are easy. it’s where my crush initially was sparked.
When I first moved to the US, I was told that in theSouth, “y’all” is the singular, and “all y’all” is the plural
Never heard that and I’m from Texas.
I had a Texan (DFW area) explain to me the “y’all” and “all y’all” difference.
I know I’m late this this episode but with the sleeping thing I’m the opposite! I have to sleep with someone else. I grew up always sharing a room and after I moved out I had roommates. Now I can’t sleep without someone. When I had covid and my husband had to sleep in a separate room I got horrible sleep! And to make matters worse we are both terrible sleep partners- we snore, move, and steal blankets.
Another great Q&A episode, Shandy! And I love it when you and Andy disagree because it broadens the perspective of things sometimes. (P.S. Your outfit makes me think of Jane from Disney's "Tarzan"!!!)
"Chocolate chip, banana bread!" I let a very good friend of mine sleep in my hotel room in the other bed! He talked and talked until I was falling asleep. At one point, I asked him to stop talking but also noticed that he was actually sleeping! Then, out came the famous phrase - loud and clear! We still laugh about it!
Thank you for addressing the sleeping question. Couldn’t agree with you more. Sleeping apart to a have a better sleep is way more important than sleeping together because you worry how that comes across.
Q2: I like Shandy's advice. Give it a few more weeks (2 or 3) and if it's still going strong, you should definitely tell your friend. Trust and being transparent is important in a friendship.
Agree with Andy!! Just her being with him alone is already seducing him.
For the sleep question, My fiancé and I have found that a tempur pedic mattress helps reduce the amount of times I wake up when she tosses and turns. Also I snore so she wears earplugs to deal with that. I totally agree that later we will likely get separate beds to sleep better.
I definitely love the advice to have separate beds (I also love the separate rooms for space) advice from the video and from the comments!!! Getting a good night's rest by having a different bed and having a separate space (like a separate bedroom) shouldn't impact your relationship especially since you are SLEEPING or winding down at night! 💞
For S&W, they both need to practice TRE (Tension & trauma Releasing exercises) before bed. These exercises encourage/increase calmness overall.
Separate beds are a good idea for many couples. No need to struggle through the night if you don’t have to. I think that WBHM would be better off taking the high road and not hanging out with the guy… I think she would feel better about it in the future.
I vote for a new PodCast: “Dear Shandy - After Hours”. Every letter would start out: I always thought the letters here were made up, until last week…”
I have always had a Jeff Goldbloom attraction...your are right it is not an always attraction but a specific timeframe attraction...I dont follow him enough to say which timeframe that is but still!
Haha we are exactly the same on this front 😂
Can "true Shandys/Shandies" be called: "Shandeliers?"
👏👏👏
this is BRILLIANT!
Oooooo I'm so on board with this!!!!!!!
What are the odds that I've been in every one of these situations 😂
Does an affair not start with a fantasy? I think that she is afraid that she might act on her fantasies.
I am a true shandy and I don't listen to recaps. 😅
The question around 1 hour 10 minutes made me have an epiphany! I have had the "not attracted to" issue and it DOES have to do with presentation!! In a different way than you're saying... I don't think there's anything physically wrong with the guy, I just don't want him to make me look stupid... ie, had this awesome bf that checked ALL of the boxes but he had tourettes. Thanks for pointing at my issue!
Sharleen, I agree with you that she should not get physical with the guy, but I also agree with Andy that she shouldn't see him at all. Their relationship is not a friendship, especially since she's developed disdain for him. And I feel he's using her emotionally. When non-single people who aren't actually friends feel sexual chemistry, voluntarily hanging out is a form of cheating.
P.S. My sister and brother-in-law sleep in separate rooms. He needs a bit of light and she needs it totally dark, and they both desperately need to sleep well. I doubt it's their first choice but they've gotten used to it.
Andy’s Italian accent turned straight into Borat
Sharleen I loved your outfit in this video
At least Amber didn’t run off in tears
Shes soo prettyyyyyy and gorgeous
The caller about attraction. You focused on looks. But in my circle a common problem is that some people have turbulent relationships and mistake those highs and lows with attraction and chemistry. And then if there is a good guy /girl who doesn't give the rollercoster it seems boring and that smth is missing when in reality it is what you need.
I'm from Oklahoma and I have always heard the expression as "Ant Hill" not "Mole Hill."
When you can't find them attractive - I have a different take than both Sharleen and Andy. I 100% agree with Sharleen and I too am a sapio sapien. If I'm truly attracted to someone for their mind, even if other people may not find them attractive I don't care...they become attractive to me and that's what matters. However...I have had one instance that showed me there is the reverse of that... In college, I had an instance where I felt like the woman that wrote in to you.
My guy checked a lot of boxes, I was longing for a relationship, and with lights off things got steamy and the thing is - by most people's standards, he was extremely conventionally attractive. BUT to me...in every day moments I struggled, asking myself "why don't I find him attractive...why don't I just enjoy staring at his face". I'm not shallow at all. I think the answer is actually exactly why Sharleen says she likes people for their personality. You can also not like the way someone looks because of things you don't like in their personality. What I realized about my guy was that I was forcing the relationship. On some level, my mind knew that he wasn't my person...but because he checked so many other boxes and was so nice and so into me...I was forcing it. Deep down inside no matter how attractive he was to others, I didn't find him attractive because I knew deep inside that he wasn't the right fit for me. The initial gut feeling was "I'm not attracted to this person physically why can't I overcome that" but when I dug deeper it was actually the reverse effect of liking someone for their personality - when I was honest, I actually didn't like a lot of things about him. But in wanting to make it work, I wasn't honest with myself and was sweeping those signs (minor and major) under the rug because I wanted to like him. Maybe that's not this woman's issue but maybe it is. She may struggle to not like his appearance because in reality deep down there are other turn-offs that she's not admitting to herself or hasn't fully realized yet. She may actually just not be that into him and maybe she's forcing it. I think when you sometimes subconsciously know you're forcing it... you almost start to resent the situation and it's hard to just look at that person with starry eyes.
I think a lot of women actually push themselves to make things work instead of trusting our gut. If she isn't attracted, my bet is things aren't as perfect in all the other areas as she thinks it is, and telling her to keep trying could potentially put her in a position of ultimately settling or getting even more turned off. The longer she continues the more confusing it can potentially get for both her and the guy as things like the steamy aspects and simply having someone to talk to...etc can get confused for love... when it sounds like maybe she's forcing it.
Just my opinion!
Love your podcast!!!!
I want to start off by saying "Thank You" to both of you for making me literally laugh out loud! I actually lost how many times this happened during this episode.
Sharleen, I think it's safe to say I have a total girl crush on you. I watched you on the Bachelor and love All The Pretty Pandas. I was obsessed with your beauty picks and Sephora buys too. I have become A "Pink Lady" because of you. I never leave home without it. Anyway, you can post and let us know if you have any updates or new products???
Quick Question: Who gets the Cozy Earth sheets when you sleep separately? I'm guessing Andy because of his night sweating issues ( Btw which is my husband too)
My opinion to the home wrecker: NO! NO! NO! If he breaks up with girlfriend absolutely but a big NO if he doesn't. I think about his girlfriend and think about how you would think if tables were turned!
I am a true shandy fan!!
This is a legit question but does anybody know why fantasizing is indeed healthy like Shandy said? Couldn't fantasizing lead to reality for some of us who can't control our thoughts? Usually if I have a crush on a guy and I start thinking about him more it magnifies things for me and inflates the situation to an unnecessary proportion
Q3 this happened to me too. I literally could care less, if I can’t function because of your snoring, I sleep in a separate bed & have no problem. You still sleep together time to time & have intimacy. Thankful for a parter with empathy & common sense. I think more people do this than some would think. I’m called a mouse because I barely disturb anything movement wise, even walking around I spook my parter & have been told at night you can barely hear my breathing.. if I was with someone like me it wouldn’t be a problem lol it says nothing about the relationship itself. Opposites attract after all. I got a weird look from a friend when they found out but day to day functioning matters more than perceptions not based in reality. No shame :)
Okay, so I have chronic insomnia. I’m the worst case I know of, if I do not medicate myself, I will be awake for four days. Probably longer, I’ve just never let myself find out. My partner is a HORRIBLE snorer. Thunderous. God awful. The only solution I’ve found to this is a Bluetooth sleep mask. Yes, you’ll have to adjust to sleeping with white noise if you’re not already. But once you do, I promise that you will sleep deeper. What wakes us isn’t noise itself, it’s inconsistency of noise. White noise is consistent all night long. Hope this helps someone!
Re: separate beds, we don’t have an extra room and neither of us would like to be permanently on the couch. It is a priority for our next house that we can both have our own rooms lol
Plural ya’ll is actually “all ya’ll”
Please invite a sleep expert to your podcast to discuss the separate beds but happy marriage concept. I know I would learn something useful to help normalize the conversation when I bring it up in conversation with friends. In short, married for 9 years together for 15. He snores. I can’t take repetitive noises in the night. We fell prey to the concept separate beds was equal to a bad relationship. We were tired and frustrated. Then we had 2 kids so sleeping became a concept of the past! But I have to thank COVID. It took just one exposure, and my husband banished to a separate room, to realize our need. Today we mostly sleep apart and our marriage couldn’t be better. Not waking up already annoyed with each other helps! Exactly as you said, sleeping is a function. As babies and children we sleep alone (and awesomely) so why does marriage suddenly mean it’s best meant as a group activity? Sorry this wasn’t short but I am passionate about normalizing this concept (our very young children understand so I know it’s possible!). Loved this episode, love this podcast, and adore you both. Shandy on!
Q4 : Give him an ultimatum : you will only see him once he has broken up with his girlfriend.
Oh how I love the two of you. I listen to all of your episodes and enjoy the professionalism of your shows.
I strongly believe you have given the wrong advice to the writer who has a concern with her partner keeping a ring from an ex.
Most of us have little trinkets from our past that we cherish for the memories, but not an engagement ring from an ex.
I feel he is holding on to it in hopes of rekindling something.
I have an ex who bought me a beautiful pink diamond engagement ring and he still has it to this day, about five years later.
He has told me numerous times in the past that he will never sell it, in hopes we would get back together.
This is an engagement ring not a concert ticket, bus ticket or even a rose flattened between an old book.
Oh and I am a fellow Canadian so that's why I took a delicate approach to this.
Second :P Can't wait to see this after work.
1:00:00 I would say "an equilibrium"
My friends, in their early 30s, she is from Germany, he is from Costa Rica rent a 2 bedroom apartment so they can each have their own room. Why can't we make this more acceptable instead of it somehow meaning anything besides wanting a good nights sleep and some private space now and then? Next serious relationship I'm in will involve separate beds and rooms...for sleeping :) I dated a man once who, upon discovering I'd gone to the sofa to sleep came stomping out of my room in a rage and demanded I return to the bed. He was ridiculously insulted by my need for a good nights sleep. Needless to say, that ended things :)
The second story- i know they probably changed the names, but it's funny that the author doesn't know if she should say anything but it's ok to describe the whole thing in the internet where any of his friends can watch it and recognise the situation and he will find out about it fromnthe podcast😁 but I enjoy so muc watching of all your podcasts and love the advise :)
Thank you new episode
That’s not fair
I'm using ant hill, too!
OK silly comment but (maybe it’s a Canadian thing) because I totally thought it was “making a mountain out of an ant hill! Lol“ who knows! Lol
Q5. Another word for 50/50 is parity 😋
Oohhh, I understand his problem -- her problem...- their problem....--
This is old but I want an update. The would be homewrecker is delusional and she's also devaluing herself. He's already cheated emotionally by bashing his girlfriend to her, glad Andy pointed that out. The magic is just taboo, once it stops being taboo it won't be as hot.
I know they aren't married but we need to hold ourselves to higher standards and I bet you this guy will actually find another girl to "cheat" with in no time.
The would be homewrecker needs to walk away and wait until he cleans up his house. He's using one woman for sexual release and therapy...but the virgin is his future wife.
Typo in your video title “when you can’t find them attractive”
Thanks for the spot! Fixing now!
@@dearshandy Happy to help 👍🏽
Equipoise?
No, no, no, no, no. The ring clearly HAS meaning to him or he wouldn't keep it in a lockbox at the bank. If the ex means nothing to him, the ring and its value should mean nothing. Also, why on earth has he told the new girlfriend that he has it and it's in his lockbox? That's just WEIRD.
I'm saying this as someone who has long been hung up on many of my exes and my current girlfriend has helped teach me how to let go of the past. (I haven't completely done so, but I'm learning better how to focus on the present and stop living in my romantic dreamland--not just of my exes but of my adventures in Europe and other things I did in my younger years. I'm 57, and a total romantic soul.)
I would find it far weirder if he hadn't told his girlfriend about it...? That would be sketchier to me than this scenario where he has openly revealed he still has it. Also, he's been with his current girlfriend (the question asker) for 2+ years, so they're not exactly a new relationship. Trust is everything; he trusts her with that information, so why not acknowledge that trust with trust in return?
Here is how the writer can tell. Does this guy have other sentimental keepsakes from past relationships around? If yes, then maybe the ring is sentimental (but maybe not), And she could be equally as mad at those. If he doesn't have keepsakes around--he is pissed that his stock went down.
2nd question: im feeling like you two are kinda playing dumb for the sake of a good show. you gotta know, that the gurl has ben pining after dan th hole time he was with katie, while kinda friend-zoning alex, the whole time. I bet that alex has been doing tons for the lady, while she only has eyes for dan, im willing to bet that she will keep sleeping with dan, and will eventually end up staying in the states and keep seeing dan, she is fooling herself that this is a casual thing, shes has prolly been obsessed with dan the whole time, waiting for him to break up with katie so she could swoop in and grab him...i feel bad for alex, i bet dan has known that alex has been obsessed with the l;ady forever and that he just dont got game, so he ended up sleeping with his homies long time crush within the friend group... alex is gonna be crushed, dan is an asshole for not telling alex, using his meatballs and fessing up to his "homie since childhood"... common dan do better