My abusive mom has always said she loves babies and small kids, but cant stand it when they get older. As i got older, i realized she likes babies and small children because they have no choice but to let her control everything they do. They dont have agency to create boundaries or protect themselves. They just have to obey. Theyre harder to control as they get older, which is why she stops liking them. Its about power for these kinds of parents, not love
I have an honest question: How do you define "abuse"? And what If your stranged parent was willing to take responsability on prior inadequate behavior?
Abuse ranges based on culture and morality. Most English speaking people are considering narcissism abuse, which it is. Narc parents cannot love their children and so use friends as a cover for their evil acts against their children. This is the most widespread form of abuse especially by mothers. Ignoring basic emotional needs, vicious words and actions, crazy expectations with no reasonable understanding of them and how to get there. Some people are dealing with addicted parents, parents more interested in sex partners, money making, hobbies. These "parents" are terrifying and everywhere.
My mom would watch baby stories I think it was called, it's people's stories of pregnancy and childbirth and ignore my siblings and I. As an adult I personally believe she only felt special was while pregnant.
Sweet! You hit my favorite one of, "We should have treated them worse!" with the idea of they were just "too nice". Yeah... That's the opposite of why people estrange. Calling how you were (abusive) being "nice' with the tag-line of, "We could have shown them real abuse." really shows the abuser mindset out in the open.
@@goverlordit's so weird how univesal that sentence is... my mother was/is a cycle breaker and grew up with the german version of that sentence. Is their a universal handbook for horrible people somewhere?
I think they've thought many times about some really horrific stuff they would have liked to have done, but consider themselves "good" parents for holding themselves back. Never mind all the other awful abusive garbage they routinely put the children through. They have a really twisted sense of what "real" abuse supposedly is, and define it in terms of things they personally didn't do (unless the child deserved it of course!). Since they don't want to believe their regular behavior is abusive, they'll say over and over that their child hasn't experienced it (which is one more way to be dismissive). Of course they would consider their own behavior abusive if the child did it to them, but since they're also massive hypocrites with a huge sense of entitlement it doesn't seem to matter or even register in their brains.
@@dillchivesI think they don't consider their behavior "abusive", because their parents treated them ten times worse and they stuck with them. Now, that's a fact, but it doesn't mean the logic behind it is sound. Society has changed and laws have changed, just because their parents' abuse went unpunished then it doesn't mean it would go unpunished now, and just because they don't treat their children the same way it doesn't mean they don't do questionable things, especially when the children grow up which seems to be the core issue here. "Small t" trauma (or ACEs - Adverse Childhood Experiences - I believe they are formally called) is heartbreaking and has devastating consequences, and I'm convinced it's so much more widespread than anyone could imagine.
@@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617 I ended up being diagnosed with EUPD because of my mother. But when I was refer for DBT I was refused because I already had the majority of the coping strategies. So I was made to fill out an ACE form and told no one else will see it outside of the room. The first time I was honest about it all. It was easier to tick boxes on paper then talk about it at that point. Got referred to a completely different therapy and put on a different care pathway. No longer talk to my parents as of this year, with the support of my mental health team.
I told my mom I might get a job that makes $60k and she said “good! Now you can pay me back pay for child support, rent, all the food you ate…” like???? I have to pay YOU CHILD SUPPORT?????? No wonder why she’s alone!!!!!!
40 yrs ago I cut contact with my father. No TikTok needed. My kids are mature, loving, successful and wonderful adults. I raised them the opposite of my father's parenting. Yeah Karma!
That’s amazing. I’m still young, and don’t plan to have kids of my own, but when I’ve watched others kids it really just helped me realize that I could have been a great parent if I wanted to. You deserve the karma of knowing you are a good parent and you did a better job than they could. ❤
Question for you: over the years did you ever get confirmations that you made the right decision going no contact? I.e. did you ever hear stories about them from years later that prove they never changed? The no contact in my case wasn’t really my choice and I’m struggling between being all alone another 8 years and beyond, or getting back on the emotional rollercoaster by begging to be taken back and then pretending nothing happened to ever hurt me
@@brendaholiday Do rhey know, how to reach out to you? If they do and do not reach out, that should be enough confirmation, that they are still the same as before and nothing has changed.
My mother cut out her abusive father in the seventies. She was glad when her mother finally had the strength to divorce him when she was a teenager and she only hung out with him until she was 18 and didn't have mandatory visits with him anymore. But yes it's probably TikTok trends making them do it...
Not one. They believe that their children were put here to meet their needs, never the other way around, so the blinding resentment with which these children were raised, just continues to build.
It is really curious how whenever I talk to my abusive parents about the past I keep reminding them that they were the adults, that they took on the responsibility of parenting of their own volition etc, etc. This often kind of stumps them and stops whatever argument they were bringing up, but then 5 minutes later they will do the exact same thing in another context, and next time we talk it will also be as if I had never reminded them of these things. They legitimately block off the parts of their brain that lets them hear us in any significant way. It is quite weird to see them pressing the reset button in their mind in real time.
My brother pushed me off the top bunk bed when I was 6. I broke my right arm and had to have surgery to fix it. Had to spend the night in the hospital. Alone,except for the nurses. In the morning I got a hot meal and spent the morning in the play room. I thought I was in heaven. It was the first time that I felt taken care of. My mom told me about 2 years ago (I'm 61) that when she came to the hospital to take me home she went to the play room and bent down with out stretched arms expecting me to come running to her.I didn't. She wanted me to apologize for hurting her feelings and making her feel rejected. This from someone who's edited family history taking the abuse out because it happened a long time ago and doesn't matter anymore. In reality she's taking out the abuse she and my dad committed. I went no contact shortly after that conversation. They do not like it. Anybody else have a similar story? To people who haven't experienced narcissistic abuse have a hard time believing me.
Last time I saw my mom it was with my fiancé and they were meeting for the first time. A few minutes in she brought up an extremely traumatic memory for me where basically she told me that if I wasn’t her kid she’d abandon me because she hated me. I was maybe 11. She then started laughing hysterically like me sobbing and her screaming at me that she wished she could abandon me was the funniest thing ever. I realized almost immediately that she remembers everything she did and thinks it’s funny. I’ve been no contact for 3 years since then.
After my mother kicked me and my sibling out when I was 14 she stopped by my father’s house to give us Christmas cards. She spent a good chunk of time banging on the front door (glass) and shouting for us to come out and see her. At the time I wasn’t allowed to close my door and you could see into my room from the front door so I was just curled up terrified she’d see I was home and break the door to get to me. The card itself ended up not even being signed but inside was a typed (not even hand written) note about how much she missed when I was a toddler. How cute and quiet and obedient I was. It made me sick. I used to think that my abuse only started when my parents got divorced but now I know that it started long before then. I kept the card all the way up until I moved out of my father’s in 2021. I debated bringing it with me so I could burn it sometime but ended up leaving it behind too. I figured I was bringing enough trauma with me just in my brain, I didn’t need to bring any more physical reminders of it too. I’ve been no contact with my father since I moved out in 2021 (and haven’t seen my mother since I was 14-15) and my life has improved drastically. I’m disabled both by my trauma and other things, but I’m happier and safer than I’ve ever been.
@@saltydinonuggies1841 similar story. I, too was told that I was a perfect baby and the best behaved. Of course, I'm the oldest and the daughter. My sister did the showing up at the house and going to the back door and banged on it yelling at me. A week before my b-day I got a package from Amazon. I didn't order anything. Inside was a keychain with a saying on it that I should remember that they will always love me and what a wonderful woman I've become. No gift card or birthday card. If I ever get something I didn't order I'm not going to open it. These type of people have the same pattern of behavior. I really thought it was just me. I watched a video about how narcissistic parents react when you go no contact and I swear there's a playbook. The last text my mom sent me was a picture of her standing on an empty lot. They were moving to another state and building a new house because it was cheaper to build than to buy. They're not broke. It was just bait. A test. They were thinking that I would call and ask them where they're moving to and when etc. How is that love? 🤔 they showed up twice unannounced and I didn't go to the door. I'm hoping that they give up. The holidays are around the corner and this has always been the hardest time of year for me. It's very hard seeing other people have fun and enjoying each other's company. Last year a friend committed suicide a week before Thanksgiving because she couldn't be with her family. Being estranged from your family isn't an easy road.
Almost identical experience except my ailment was the croup and when my mom approached me in the children’s play room, expecting me to happily greet her, I told her, “I don’t want to leave.” I remember I was having so much fun painting a picture on an easel that I had not done since pre school. My mom did not shame me for hurting her feelings and tell me to apologize at the time, but over the years when retelling my croup story she routinely voiced that when I gave my response she wanted to take out her feelings on me by slapping or strangling me.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one with crazy stories that make normal people look at you with horror on their faces. Those looks really helped me see how Not Normal it all was.
I'm a psychologist and many of my clients are low/no contact with their parents. Not once have I ever told a client to go no-contact with a parent, despite how many parents will blame me for "ruining" their family. Many clients reach this point on their own after years of practicing assertive communication skills and trying to mediate with rigid, disrespectful enmeshed family members. These adult children then spend some time grieving the loss of an idealised family unit that never was, but there is also a sense of relief. These clients wouldn't need therapy if their parents just showed some effort to listen and reflect.
I'm pretty sure my mother would have blamed my husband. I once told her when I first started dating him that the only flaw I can see in him is he's too over protective of me. Like he won't even let me walk on the street side of the sidewalk. She started shrieking at me that I needed to break up with him now. Well it's been 18 years. We are still going strong. He's my best friend and I'm low contact with her. I just got a call from my brother. He had his first child 2 years ago and the way mother has been acting towards him in regards to his daughter, he told me he's gone full no contact.
I too worked in the mental health field, and you know it is dominated by people with ultra-liberal values which are not pro-traditional family. Many are also anti-Christian. I have attended conferences and lectures and saw mental health community in real time. When I mentioned that I pray for my clients, a colleague screamed at me and then crossed the room to attack me. For some reason, she stopped midway looking around her and realizing where she was and backed off. I could tell more horror stories about the mental health field. I suggest anyone going to get help from these people be very careful who you select as a therapist.
@@candaceorr7517 and then everyone clapped. I'm going to be blunt, someone screaming but then politely backing off is more of an odd story than horrific and that's ignoring the fact it sounds like you're cutting context if not entirely making this up to justify the narrative of 'anyone who is not a traditional christian is insane/bad'.
@caramel9154 She didn't back off politely, she backed off with fear on her face, I'm sure not from me, but fear of losing her job. I was there, you were not, and I wonder why it bothers you so much. Maybe it doesn't fit your narrative. I know what happened and I know what I saw and I stand by my comment.
My daughter went no contact with me almost a decade ago. I’ve disrespected her boundaries by continuing to contact her via email most of that time. After a lot of self-reflection, I realized that my daughter was telling me she didn’t feel safe, secure or valued for years before going no contact. I can’t fix my past behavior, but I hope someday I can apologize to my daughter.
My mom and I don't talk, but it's sort of a mutual thing. My mom went through a lot when I was an infant and sort of just checked out. I think once we stopped talking, she felt relieved of the burden of being someone's mother. That doesn't sound like your situation at all, but maybe take a look at the things you were going through when your girl was a child that affected her. Maybe there were some things you were going through that you can heal from and just be at peace with that time in your life. I know you want that relationship back so badly, but just in case it can't happen, you at least want to be at peace with it all and forgive yourself.
@ Thank you for sharing your experience and your very empathetic advice. You’re thoughtful. I appreciate that. I’m sorry your mother checked out on you. Every child needs love, attention and bonding with reliable grownups.
Every accusation is a confession. It's so bizarre how these abusers contort themselves into victims. And what does it teach us? We were so, so, so right to cut contact.
"Social media is teaching kids to act on their feelings, disgusting" 😂 oh yes how dare the kids learn to understand why they are feeling a certain way and how to process those emotions.
First, thank you for going undercover so we didn't have to. Your self-control in recording some of these statements is impressive. The statements these estranged parents make are terrifying but also enlightening and freeing in a way. I worked decades trying to make things but didn't have willing partners in the endeavor. I'm an imperfect person who, like everyone, has plenty of work to do on myself but you can't keep letting people lie to you, lie about you and play ugly games with you and treat you inhumanely. Sometimes you just have to go in order to make it stop. The attitudes you revealed - without revealing anyone's identities - help me understand the intractability of what we were up against. Only they can fix it and they won't. As a psychic once intuited to me, "You have to pack up your toys and go play somewhere else."
I spent some time with these folks, too. It is remarkable that they all say the same things and in the same ways. They insist on looking at the relationship with a child as being “equal”, as if the child has controlled them. They never seem to understand that if they’re being treated with disrespect, it’s because they have taught disrespect. They are way too immature to be in relationships with anyone, and all their happiness is faked. They fake-cry, too, then become angry when it doesn’t get them sympathy. Finally realized that I had switched from trying to save my narcissist, to going NC with her to struggling to reason with narcissists online. No more!
Entitled parents want all the accolades and praise that parents receive, but none of the hard work and sacrifice that it actually takes to care for a child.
There's a video of Ellen talking about having to take responsibility for the things that went on with her show. It really was akin to a Captain wanting the title and prestige of the job but the work and responsibility? Naw... It was an enlightening look into the mind of a Narcissist. Oddly, my mother would shout from the rooftops about, "If you want the job you accept the responsibility that comes with it." So she understood. They all do, they just think they are special and above that. It's insane.
Thank you for investigating this so that we don't have to. I went no contact with my parents and they turned from bad to worse. It was a rude awakening to recognise they're not just mean and immature but legitimately insane. Having done a fair bit of work on myself I'm at a point where I can laugh at the outlandish recounts of these so-called parents. For my fellow survivors- it gets worse before it gets better but never underestimate how much better life can be after a few years of committed recovery and no contact.
Unlike the other members of my family I have found that everyone can have their needs met and be happy (or at least content) if they are willing to listen and compromise. They need to have everything 'their way' or no way and it's exhausting and drives people away.
If my daughter went no contact with me, I would be absolutely devastated at having failed her so terribly that she was better off without me in her life. It's a shame these parents insist on trying to continue to harm their children. If you mess up, own it. It's also heartbreaking that these children only found the fortitude to go no contact with the parents when their own children were threatened, but they were subjected to the tyranny themselves for so long first. It's so hard breaking out of that, but they managed to do so anyway. Good on them!
I made family life difficult because I spoke out and continued to speak out about the abuse happening from my older male sibling. I'm bad for splitting the family.
In reading several comments from estranged mom Diane here on TH-cam, I saw more than one parent of an estranged adult child advising others to try to see their grandchildren without their estranged child’s consent. Absolutely not! How dare you tell people to sneak to see someone’s child when that child’s parent went no contact in the first place?!
At that point it’s time to get the police involved, and to make sure there’s a safety plan in place for the child in case of an unexpected visit along with notifying every adult who supervises the child (teachers and babysitters) who is and isn’t allowed to see the child. Absolutely crazy behavior by narc parents/
Psychopaths, narcissists and borderlines do not follow rules. Rules are for “normal” people, not special people like them. They are entitled to make their own rules, on account of being supremely talented. I wish I was joking. I’m not.
I spent my whole childhood afraid of my parents. I am low-contact. If I could go completely no-contact, I would. They are truly hard-hearted, controlling, manipulative people.
@@JohnSmith-wi4xo I can't afford to move out...I live in a really expensive state. Every time I get close to having enough saved, something happens and I wind up having to drain what little savings I managed to make.
Oh yes. I'm so glad you picked up on the whole thing with their off-springs therapists and the need to hear 'their side'. I always ask these parents, "So if you went to a therapist and the person said, 'I can't treat you without hearing your child's side...' would you encourage and be okay with that?" It usually stops them cold. They are so used to being able to manipulate anyone their child reports their behavior to that they hate a therapist who advocates for their child. Anyone who supports their child is an enemy because they KNOW how they behave and don't want it exposed. Allergy to honesty. The fact is, these types are so predictable and use all the same tactics and language. They claim the same is true in reverse and again I laugh because why would the reactions of estranged off-spring be different when we all report the same behavior patterns emanating from our parents? Like where do they think behavior patterns in the family started? Hint - with them...
@@ellyk8834 decades ago when I first started having mental health issues I asked my mom to go to a therapy session with me. She did. However, the psychologist wanted to model how we could effectively communicate and understand each other. When we left all she said was " I don't need a stranger to tell me how to talk to my daughter ". It drives me nuts when I see podcasts about reconnecting with your adult estranged child. They don't want to reconnect. Do all of those people think we haven't already tried everything we could think of to be loved and respected?!!! Going no contact is the last resort. I have never felt loved by either of my parents. In fact, they don't even like me.
Angry parent describing child: "It's their way of standing up and saying 'I have rights too!'" Well, it's nice to know that they actually do understand what their kids are saying. They just disagree that their children are people. 🤷♀
6:43 The total lack of humanity here is staggering. It's just so disgusting on so many levels. "Screw their boundaries this pisses me off more than the estrangement. I will never be told how I can live and what I cannot do, especially by my own offspring..." "We are their livegivers and demand and deserve their respect. All boundaries and personal space is just disrespecting and judging parents..." "It's their way of standing up and saying I have my rights too. They will learn that this is not the true way of life..." "The lengths these narcissistic brats will go to to get even." Genuine soul rot.
Parents should teach boundaries, a child who isn’t taught is vulnerable to predators & abuse. Why do want your child to be vulnerable to abuse ? A boundary is essential to everybody & if you don’t know this you might be abusive
“With good parents, there isn’t a thing we won’t do to have healthy relationships with our children. With bad parents, there isn’t a thing they would do.” Oof.
It is bewildering that these parents can wish harm and suffering upon their children and then wonder why they were cut off. They're throwing stones in glass houses and complaining about the crashing noise.
And these types are so immature that you know if they don't like someone or hold them in general contempt that they will treat they accordingly. They have no ability to not take their feelings out on the object of their disgust. It's not that my parents hate me is the problem - it's that they can't stop reminding me.
I know this wasn't a lighthearted or funny topic but your dry wit really made me laugh - "the research was taxing enough, having to edit it would just be cruel". As a no-contact adult child, I applaud you for the work you do.
THE TOP FIVE BOUNDARIES ARE INSANE! these people are genuinely delusional. i'm dreading going no contact with my mother as soon as my little brother is old enough to be independent, but seeing the way other parents act after being given boundaries, not just her, cements this is something i have to do for my own sake.
You are spot-on. Having younger siblings we want to protect makes things even more painfully complicated, but, if we don’t do what it takes to protect ourselves, we’ll never be the big brother or sister they really need.
@@KirstenAlberts I agree. Being an embodiment of everything the shared parents are not gives an older sibling the ability to potentially be a safe space for their fellow survivors. If those siblings want to rise above they'll see that older one as a path forward to emulate and rely on.
I went no contact with my abusive adoptive parents. I didn’t speak to them for 25 years, when my adoptive father called to tell me that my adoptive mother had died. After resuming contact with him I soon realized why I went no contact in the first place. On the brighter side I have 3 wonderful children who I’m extremely proud of and close to. People need to realize that we loved our parents, in some warped way but that we couldn’t take their abuse.
How fragile must your ego be, that your child asking you to please not endanger your grandchildren turns you into this kind of monster who will burn everything to the ground before allowing anyone else to approach them and have a conversation person to person... Between two people who have a deep bond of love with each other. This is horrifying. This is nothing short of monstrous.
Me too. I'm sorry it's come to this for us but life is much better, more peaceful without them. If they didn't want us talking about them this way, they should've treated us better.
I feel nauseous. Several of these sound like my parents. Sure, I'm the mentally unstable, evil, spoiled brat for setting boundaries and cutting contact after my dad threatened to have my son taken away to try to control me.
You can set aside those false labels. That’s not you. You were right to set that boundary. I’ve been called “controlling” because I’m trying to stop them from controlling me. I told my father to stop trying to control me and run my life and he said, ‘Someone’s got to (control me), because I’m not doing a very good job of it’, (running my own life). This is after I separated from an 17-year old abusive marriage that I was bullied and manipulated into, by ‘you guessed it’, both controlling parents and an abusive narcissistic ex-partner. Your dad; He’s not the boss of you! He’s not the boss of you! No one is the boss of you!
My antenna went up over the mention of an "evil" daughter who was hateful from birth, never wanting to be touched. Did the mother ever check to see if her daughter was on the autism spectrum? If the mother was physically pushy and demanding with a child who found touch over-stimulating or repellant, that's huge trouble.
This weekend I found out (as did the rest of us) that the person I estranged myself from had died alone some time ago. It is strange knowing the villain of one's story has gone. Very mixed emotions.
@@marcusn.3762 Older male sibling. The villain of our story. My younger brother and I have discovered the term, 'Grief for what-is-not' - we were jubilant to know he was no longer a threat to us and then felt sad about what we effectively lost almost 40 years ago. Based on an aunt's response to my lack of obvious grief, I realise that the narrative my mother (R.I.P) shared was not my younger brother's and my reality. She made me out to be the difficult one who split the family. I guess to explain what had really happened would not have made her look so good, or capable, as a parent.
@@RobinPoe What my little brother and I were amazed with in this situation (older sibling/villain of our younger lives dying) is how we mourned "what is not". We were so excited to hear it had happened, then it hit us both over the following days. We mourned what should have been, what we should have had. This abuser should have been someone so important to us. We should have been able to say his name and to state the relationship and not have it catch in our throats.
Ah yes, it's always the therapists, social media, teachers, friends, partners, etc. It's never THEM. 🙄 And then they complain that their kid's support system "only hears one side of the story", then proceed to tell only their side of the story. Finally, their kids have already told them to eff off, so they don't get to. That makes them apoplectic.
Everyone is supposed to believe THEM based on THEIR side of the story but when people apply that level of belief to their child they believe there is something wrong with that person for not seeking out their side. They are also low key saying, "My side trumps my child's so if the therapist hears me then all this silliness will end." and then be really confused when a good/qualified therapist views that for what it is - another abuser parent used to setting the narrative of child bad and them good. I always ask those type of parents if they were seeing a therapist would they agree that that person cannot treat them until they hear their child's side of the story? All of a sudden they understand that a therapist doesn't have to hear from the 'other side' to treat them. That need to set their child's therapist straight is a confession of being a child abuser. In my opinion, a non-abuser parent wouldn't feel the need to intrude at all let alone feel that something is amiss if their position isn't being taken into account. That's just not how healthy people think in my experience.
Evil for not wanting to be hugged. Insaaane. “It’s their way of standing up and saying they have rights too” lmaoooo she thought she ate here. She doesn’t think they should stand up for themselves
This is very valuable. Thank you for this undercover operation. The parents in the groups, from beginning to end, blame everyone but themselves for the children going NC. You see where the problem lies because of these reactions. No self reflection. It is a pity they end up in a group where self reflection is absent. They cannot really help eachother.
I was in the same store as my estranged mother a couple weeks back. We haven’t talked in over 2 years. She didn’t see me and I left the store very quickly. There was absolutely no point in interacting. I knew it would be turned on me and she would become the victim in the story. I’m so tired of being the family scapegoat and I refuse to play the part for her. Please learn from your parents mistakes and don’t behave in the same way. You can only control your thoughts and your actions.
i havent spoken to my father since i was 14. it was the best decision i ever made. his new wife who he cheated on my mother with drove me to a cliff after i told the two of them i was suicidal. i'll never forget that day.
My father died some years ago, but for quite a long time before that we were what I would now describe as “low-contact”. I can’t imagine him joining an online forum (because he basically just didn’t like anyone) but I can 100% imagine him having most of these thoughts. I’m so sorry to learn that there are so many other parents like him out there 😢
It’s funny hearing how many of these related to them being upset that they lost access to their grandkids cause I’m estranged from my father but I still talk to and see my grandmother regularly. Trust me, if you were a safe person, the grandkids would be talking to you once they’re old enough to make that decision themselves. But I highly doubt that’d happen. On my mother’s side I only communicate with my cousin. They keep me up to date on big events I need to know about and I help support them through dealing with all that mess when they want my help until they can escape.
I love your content and your investigations. Thank you so much for raising the REAL awareness! WOW, I admire your ability to endure such a toxic platform long enough to gather all this powerful information. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Thank you for this video! I was just looking for support groups today and shocked that the majority of them being for the parents. Thank you for this research you did and call this out. ❤
Excellent video that concisely explains who these tiresome, abusive, excessively selfish, manipulative, controlling, hypocritical parents (and siblings, in my case) really are. Was watching another vid on this same subject, but for real, at 1-1/2 hours, it was Way Too Long. Yours' is straightforward and thorough without the....added commentaries.
I find everything you've said fascinating! I moved out as soon as I turned 18 and never looked back. Same with my other 3 older siblings. I consider myself the "lucky one" because I watched at least two of them try time and time again to fix the relationship with our parents to no avail. And more often than not it got very violent and traumatic, but learned and prepared to go and stay gone once ties were cut.
Me and my brother were pawns thrown around by our mother since our parents divorced in 1990. As first born, my brother had more damage. His submissiveness and multiple physical illnesses made him a hostage who could not defend himself. When ever I was not compliant, it was my brother who suffered. She passed 10 months ago. I have not been able to have a personal relationsip with him - mother was policing our interactions all the time.
The first time I remember my mom yelling at me about being greedy for money, I was 7. She brought up money and her will consistently after that. She cut me out of her will when my brother left. I hadn’t even left yet nor threatened to. I finally cut her off two years later. It was never about money (of which there isn’t a whole lot). 🤷🏼♀️
I burst out laughing when you cited the "how much are we going to take before we die" line. I've been passively suicidal for as long as I can remember, as far back as 5yo. Trust me on this, you can take A LOT before you die from how your family treats you ! Being away from them isn't all that bad, just pretend they went in some remote tech less area, building a school or something, it'll even make you look cool! Seriously, these people (can't bring myself to consider them parents, they're simply not) are something else. I am sad I wasted so much time trying to get them to love me. And by the way, I don't think I ever watched a TikTok video in my life. I certainly didn't need a video to spend my nights crying silently and wishing I was never born when I was 8 or 16 or 30 or to this day.
Thank you Kirsten 💜 Am making an effort to find myself after over 50yrs of familial abuse. I'm just glad that I find it all incomprehensible. It means I'm not insane 💜 Thanks again 🤗
Thanks for this fabulous video! I am so sick of parents denial about exactly what they perpetrated on their children. And they blame social media... 🙈🙈 I would never have reached any point of recovery without social media. Please make more videos 🌹🌹🌹
Honestly? The hard truth is that these kinds of parents would rather watch their child commit suicide than watch that child get therapy. Well done on recovering thus far and best wishes for your further progress and happiness.
Also, if you are an estranged parent, and you want ACTUAL HELP! Stay the eff out of those groups. They will not help you! They will only encourage you to become a venom spitting, poisonous, lump of self pity. And also, apparently incredibly dramatic. 😂
Oh ! I got a good one! Can you believe my mom got a national medal of merit for her work with families ? She didn't dare tell any of her kids when she would receive it, I think she knew we wouldn't have looked good in the picture...
I cut ties with my abusive mother more than 10 years ago but I still feel the guilt. Sounds like abusive parents don't even know that feeling and I'm here blaming myself smh
So. Couple things. One: your child is NOT telling you what you can, and cannot say. They are telling you that if you continue to behave in a certain way, or say certain things to them, they are going to have to CHOOSE to be away from you. Two: you have SO much power here, REAL power to dictate the relationship with your child. Treating your child like what they are, an actual human being, as opposed to an extension of yourself or a possession means you get to be in their lives, and you get to have a healthy relationship. It is not lost on me that the parents that are being denied contact with their children, and grandchildren, CANNOT accept any accountability. How can you teach your CHILD from a very young age that, "everyone makes mistakes, and as long as you accept that you have done wrong(regardless of intent)and try to make amends, and do better, it is OK," and at the same time find it impossible to understand that YOU are a part of "EVERYONE"? You give NOTHING away by respecting others, especially those that you say you love. Human pride is hard to work with, but it is doable! Every day people swallow their pride, accept accountability, and move the eff on. If your interpersonal relationships feel like they play out on a battle field, something is VERY wrong. If you embrace, " winning" over loving, something is VERY wrong. If arguing to argue is anything, but exhausting, there is something VERY wrong.
My Dad told me That I threw my life away the day I started Smoking weed and that no one wants anything to do with me. This after he bought my Alcoholic sister a 3 bedroom house. That was the last straw. I won get into my childhood. This December, I will stop smoking weed for my and find a new way to numb the pain. I went no contact 2 weeks ago
I’m so sorry. Substance abuse is normally so prevalent with childhood abuse. I see you and I’m so proud that you’re taking the steps to be happier and healthier xx
It was this video, and you reading out the "outrage" and "revenge" examples that made me first realize that my "attraction to villains" is not solely because of my abusive birth father, but to some extent my mother as well. I'm so fixated on this predatory dominion over others thing in a fictional context because it helps me work through trauma? Idk. But man. And the "I'd show them REAL abuse" type shit is just????? You are a goddamn disney villain. No wonder your kid dipped. "Parents only get to keep the scared straight kids" and "children used to be afraid of their parents" christ. It's predatory. These are predators. Also the hungry desire for access the grandchildren. "The blinding frustration of losing control" damn ...
I have begged my narcissistic human incubator to start therapy w me to no avail. I just cannot anymore. After 49 yrs…I’m literally physically sick now because of the stress of it all. And my current relationship is w the combo of my narcissistic life giver and her enabler, the donor, rolled into one. I give up this round. Maybe my next life I’ll fig it out. ❤🕊️😢
They are demented. I am an adult and and so is my sister with families of our own. We have a loving respective with our parents. I don't know any adult in my circle who is estranged from their parents. It is so weird how obsessed and blind they are.
You can't win with parents like this. They don't care about their children and will never accept accountability for anything they do. I confronted my dad with violently dragging me into my bedroom and beating me for being too loud watching cartoons one Saturday morning when I was 5 or 6 years old. The reason: "I was under a lot of stress, and you should have known better".
I had a similar experience, and what shocks me is when I see pictures of myself when I was 6. I was skin and bones, I would be scared to beat someone so small and fragile.
Oh, this makes me so, so mad. Here is a grown adult telling a small child that they should have had the maturity of an adult and kept quiet so as not to disturb their father. Grrrr! Know how you feel! Got told multiple times as a child that ‘I should have known better’. How does a child know what they should or shouldn’t do, if they’ve never been told? Ahhh, Yes, I know! I was meant to be a considerate mature mind reader when I was just a little kid. 👼 Somehow they actually think that kids automatically know all things without ever being taught! 😢
So I've been lc/nc with my parents for close to six years and I think I'm getting to the NC part for good stage soon. It helps that firstly I'm moving abroad soon and I had a hysterectomy a few days ago. I will never reproduce. I will never put any child in harms way from my mothers ever shifting moods and controlling behaviour. They demand obedience from their adult children while they are demanding grandchildren then to seek to undermine the parents of those children. Where does it end?
It's funny. I keep thinking I'm going to get the real heartfelt apology I deserve from my Mom or that we will have a breakthrough because she's so great with other people, but I just end up in the same place, picking myself up again and realizing how foolish my hopefulness is with her. Narcissistic mothers are far worse than narcissistic fathers from my experience, or should I say, the covert narcissist is much worse. The best I felt was when we had distance between us and less interaction. I love her. I tried.
When I first learned what boundaries were, I realized a certain relationship would have to end if I adopted this 'boundaries' wy of seeing life, because this person did not allow boundaries. That was 20 years ago.
Wow. I wonder if this is the kind of stuff my mom is saying about me. This made me very sad. My mother is psychologically abusive and very intelligent which I think makes her extra dangerous. I have a good relationship with my sister in law who is married to my older brother. I am the only one who has went no contact. My SIL told me that after spending time with my mother for the weekend, both of my nieces mentioned that they were sad while they were playing. My younger niece was 6 at the time and she stopped playing and said she was sad. My SIL asked her why she was sad as she was just happily playing and it was odd. She said, “grandma told me I’m sad, so I’m sad”. Apparently my mother did this to both my nieces and they both said and did the same thing when they got back! They were with my mother separately because my mom likes to take each one for a week or weekend alone. It’s not only odd, it’s a scary psychological game. I have had depression since 2nd grade, I think I’m beginning to understand why. She must have done this to me all the time. Would this be abuse? I think it goes beyond even that. It’s so messed up and confusing. Why would anyone do that to a small child? Has anyone else heard of something like this or experienced it?
Maybe your mother behave this way because of her childhood or what she experience in her childhood. I'm not taking her part at all and I'm not excusing her behavior, I'm just saying. Do you know about her childhood and about how her mother treated her? Or about what she experienced in her childhood, including some kind of abuse? Usually, the trauma and abuse are transmitted from generation to generation. What you're doing now you're trying to break that circle of abuse, and like you said, damaging psychological game.
Yes. This is the very definition of abuse. Your mother has negative emotions she can’t process, and just holding them is painful, so she forcibly (or via manipulation) - hands them to other people- including your nieces. This is “passing the hot potato” without consent. You might CHOOSE to empathise with a friend or loved one, or to help them carry a burden- practically or emotionally- that’s fine because you CHOOSE to do it, and also to what extent you do it. Also, in a healthy relationship, there is a reasonable expectation of gratitude and reciprocation. Not so with parents like this- deep down they hover on the brink of suicide/psychosis, and they are quite willing to push you over that edge to keep themselves safe. They force you to feel bad to ease the load on themselves. It’s subconscious (mostly) - and utterly selfish and self absorbed- because fending off that suicidal/ psychotic devil on their back is all consuming.
@@alisongreen7576 Exactly, she's using others as a trash can for her own negative feelings. It makes her feel better to see others sad, it's sick and twisted and there's no excuse for it. I hope your SIL keeps those poor kids away from her, she will never stop doing things like this.
That sounds like textbook gaslighting. Manipulating feelings of others and taking away their self awareness in order to implement their own shrewd sense of reality.
Right?! I always vaguely knew that my bio father wasn’t a *good* parent, but it wasn’t until I had a child myself that I fully understood exactly how BAD a parent he was. One of my mum’s best choices in life was divorcing his abusive ass.
I worry that maybe 1 in 10 or 1 in 20 of the parents that come to these groups might actually be more of the innocent bystander with a self destructive child who’s cutting everyone off. I would hope if such people are finding these groups that the fact they are reasonable people means that they immediately recognise these groups are not helpful to them and leave, rather than getting suckered into this toxicity.
This is so cool. It gives me so much hope for our species! The shift is actually happening. The estranged parents are kicking back against the positive changes happening in parenting, and doing a pretty good job of being embarrassingly honest about it. They hate the shift and the change. That means the change is really happening.
Watched the whole thing with ever staggering surprise. What in the...? The entitlement of these parents! You don't own your child, and they owe you nothing! How could anyone say these horrible things about their own children?
I'm finding this video at the right time, thank you so much. I have a tough question for everybody. What would you do if one parent has shown improvements and now wants to have a healthy relationship in your life but the other who they are married to is only going down the road of becoming increasingly more abusive? Do you continue to let only one in as I have been doing? It's been a year of being treated well by one and horribly by the other and it's put me in a weird position.
@@cj6814 wow, that sounds really difficult to navigate. Is it possible to have an open discussion with the healthy parent to see how they feel and come to some sort of agreement between you?
@@OneCatShortOfCrazy it's definitely what's coming next, I've been giving chances for years trying to plead with them and my mom still while I'm nearing 30 wants to have some form of control or validation from me constantly seeking it and has no control over her mouth and the things that come out of it. Dad was just as bad, but he must have realized that it's not worth it to try to be the parent still, so he just enjoys the time with us now instead of trying to manipulate the whole situation. This last visit was the final straw when they gave me a visit as I'm out of state and I warned them I'm pretty busy they insisted on coming and said it was completely fine that I'll be busy, mom ended up expecting 100% of my time and devotion to her and when I had something to go to like I said I would she acted out concluding I must not want her around. I let them come a day earlier and for a 4 day stretch I had 3 hours total without them but it wasn't good enough for my mother. This is the most simplistic of things, she doesn't believe in respecting boundaries and has told me that. So my dad is actively trying and my mother is actively defying and I know it's a matter of time till they want to give me another visit and I have to tell them dads welcomed and moms not. It's stupid hard on me because the rest of society does not understand, they think we just need to talk it out or I just need to forgive..... I'm so many times and years exceeding that doing it over and over again.
@@OneCatShortOfCrazy yeah that's probably the plan, like the video stated at one point my mom doesn't believe in boundaries either so it's not like I'll have full respect and understand from her but my dad might accept it at this point in his life. In her mind she's still the parent in control and im almost 30.
As a non-expert going through similar things: you have a right to put your own survival and wellness first. One parent has continued to choose the relationship with the toxic spouse over their own future or their relationship with you. That probably comes from a place of weakness or illness rather than some kind of malice, but the reason kind of doesn't matter when the result is the same: damage to you. If it was me? I'd tell the better parent I love them and want a relationship with them, but that I can't allow the cruelty back into my life, and that I hope they can come into that place alongside me. But until that day, I'm keeping my distance. I'm choosing me.
I'm at a point where I can't be around my mom. I'm so close to telling her to fck off. Also, my dad doesn't ask me tells me that he's going to visit me and stay with me. He tries to patent me still. He didn't try when we were kids he was a good for nothing drunk. He's borderline homeless and he still drinks. The drama that follows these people is not worth the trouble. My mom forced her way to my elopement then later told me I can do better. 🤦 She sold her house and moved in with us. I didn't have the heart to tell her to leave. She eventually did, but moved in with my sis.
In these support groups, are they actually getting any real education or understanding of WHY their children have stopped contact? Or is just validating their abusive behaviors?
Why do therapists never talk about coercive behaviour of adult childrens partners and isolation from parents and family. It now against the law in my country. I had a sister who was estranged but finally woke up to her husband isolating her. She doesn't drive and always chose to live in dirt roads far away from everyone. Finally realised what he was doing by my insisting this was abuse. There are all types of estrangement and parents are not always to blame. Give some credit to good parents of estranged adult children. Always generalising.
This is obviously a video about toxic parents….and if you were scared your child was in danger why would u still blame that said child ? Get out of here noone cares about ur sister. There’s no generalisation when too many adults are coming out with their experiences
while isolation is a common abusive tacit, in this case it'd be done by the parents who would cut off any friends, lovers, or figures of outside authority that make the child feel safe. Therapists don't talk about this in regards to estranged parents because it fits into the category of lover's abuse, though.. if by law your sister is forced to remain in contact with her parents, that is concerning in of itself. You spoke about people generalizing but the law does that in your country.
EP: "social media tells them that anyone who caused them trauma needs to be cut out of their lives" so you're saying... you shouldn't...? cut out those who cause you trauma...??
I cut ties with the abusive parent more than 20 years ago. When the one way mail order harassment continued and then it went public, I took legal action. I only regret I didnt act in my own defense earlier. The bottom line us if you think these parents will see the light of their loss, they won't. Theyd rather destroy their own children than admit fault.
Considering that children are the ones that need support I would not be able to stomach the overt narcissism in those groups. People who believe they are being attacked by their children are emotionally disturbed and neglecting their children and at this point grandchildren as well are most likely involved.
The irony of authoritarian parents screaming no one can tell them what to do. Self awareness, they've never met it.
My abusive mom has always said she loves babies and small kids, but cant stand it when they get older. As i got older, i realized she likes babies and small children because they have no choice but to let her control everything they do. They dont have agency to create boundaries or protect themselves. They just have to obey. Theyre harder to control as they get older, which is why she stops liking them. Its about power for these kinds of parents, not love
Sounds like my mom and dad. 😞
I have an honest question: How do you define "abuse"? And what If your stranged parent was willing to take responsability on prior inadequate behavior?
Abuse ranges based on culture and morality. Most English speaking people are considering narcissism abuse, which it is. Narc parents cannot love their children and so use friends as a cover for their evil acts against their children. This is the most widespread form of abuse especially by mothers. Ignoring basic emotional needs, vicious words and actions, crazy expectations with no reasonable understanding of them and how to get there. Some people are dealing with addicted parents, parents more interested in sex partners, money making, hobbies. These "parents" are terrifying and everywhere.
My mom would watch baby stories I think it was called, it's people's stories of pregnancy and childbirth and ignore my siblings and I. As an adult I personally believe she only felt special was while pregnant.
Bingo. Was she a narcissist? They only like little kids and pretty people.
Sweet! You hit my favorite one of, "We should have treated them worse!" with the idea of they were just "too nice". Yeah... That's the opposite of why people estrange. Calling how you were (abusive) being "nice' with the tag-line of, "We could have shown them real abuse." really shows the abuser mindset out in the open.
"I'll give you a reason to cry."
@@goverlordit's so weird how univesal that sentence is... my mother was/is a cycle breaker and grew up with the german version of that sentence. Is their a universal handbook for horrible people somewhere?
I think they've thought many times about some really horrific stuff they would have liked to have done, but consider themselves "good" parents for holding themselves back. Never mind all the other awful abusive garbage they routinely put the children through. They have a really twisted sense of what "real" abuse supposedly is, and define it in terms of things they personally didn't do (unless the child deserved it of course!). Since they don't want to believe their regular behavior is abusive, they'll say over and over that their child hasn't experienced it (which is one more way to be dismissive). Of course they would consider their own behavior abusive if the child did it to them, but since they're also massive hypocrites with a huge sense of entitlement it doesn't seem to matter or even register in their brains.
@@dillchivesI think they don't consider their behavior "abusive", because their parents treated them ten times worse and they stuck with them. Now, that's a fact, but it doesn't mean the logic behind it is sound. Society has changed and laws have changed, just because their parents' abuse went unpunished then it doesn't mean it would go unpunished now, and just because they don't treat their children the same way it doesn't mean they don't do questionable things, especially when the children grow up which seems to be the core issue here.
"Small t" trauma (or ACEs - Adverse Childhood Experiences - I believe they are formally called) is heartbreaking and has devastating consequences, and I'm convinced it's so much more widespread than anyone could imagine.
@@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617 I ended up being diagnosed with EUPD because of my mother. But when I was refer for DBT I was refused because I already had the majority of the coping strategies. So I was made to fill out an ACE form and told no one else will see it outside of the room. The first time I was honest about it all. It was easier to tick boxes on paper then talk about it at that point. Got referred to a completely different therapy and put on a different care pathway. No longer talk to my parents as of this year, with the support of my mental health team.
My father told me he was going to send me an itemized bill for being born. He died alone.
I’m waiting for the day my father sends me my bill. 😂
I can send that dude 1000 bucks right now 😂
That statement is POETRY. Sheer poetry. ❤
I told my mom I might get a job that makes $60k and she said “good! Now you can pay me back pay for child support, rent, all the food you ate…” like???? I have to pay YOU CHILD SUPPORT?????? No wonder why she’s alone!!!!!!
A well deserved justice!
40 yrs ago I cut contact with my father. No TikTok needed. My kids are mature, loving, successful and wonderful adults. I raised them the opposite of my father's parenting. Yeah Karma!
That’s amazing. I’m still young, and don’t plan to have kids of my own, but when I’ve watched others kids it really just helped me realize that I could have been a great parent if I wanted to. You deserve the karma of knowing you are a good parent and you did a better job than they could. ❤
Question for you: over the years did you ever get confirmations that you made the right decision going no contact? I.e. did you ever hear stories about them from years later that prove they never changed?
The no contact in my case wasn’t really my choice and I’m struggling between being all alone another 8 years and beyond, or getting back on the emotional rollercoaster by begging to be taken back and then pretending nothing happened to ever hurt me
@@brendaholiday Do rhey know, how to reach out to you? If they do and do not reach out, that should be enough confirmation, that they are still the same as before and nothing has changed.
@@stefaniebraun3319 Thank you for the voice of reason.
My mother cut out her abusive father in the seventies. She was glad when her mother finally had the strength to divorce him when she was a teenager and she only hung out with him until she was 18 and didn't have mandatory visits with him anymore.
But yes it's probably TikTok trends making them do it...
Do they not realise that they were the adults? They were the ones with responsibility?
Not one. They believe that their children were put here to meet their needs, never the other way around, so the blinding resentment with which these children were raised, just continues to build.
@@KirstenAlberts well that explains the rejection when you ask for your needs to be met
And far more importantly the ones with agency
It is really curious how whenever I talk to my abusive parents about the past I keep reminding them that they were the adults, that they took on the responsibility of parenting of their own volition etc, etc.
This often kind of stumps them and stops whatever argument they were bringing up, but then 5 minutes later they will do the exact same thing in another context, and next time we talk it will also be as if I had never reminded them of these things.
They legitimately block off the parts of their brain that lets them hear us in any significant way. It is quite weird to see them pressing the reset button in their mind in real time.
@@souxcasaoh wow! That really hit home!
"To learn who rules over you; simply find out who you're not allowed to criticize." ~Voltaire
Thank you for joining these estranged parents groups, so we don't have to.
My brother pushed me off the top bunk bed when I was 6. I broke my right arm and had to have surgery to fix it. Had to spend the night in the hospital. Alone,except for the nurses. In the morning I got a hot meal and spent the morning in the play room. I thought I was in heaven. It was the first time that I felt taken care of. My mom told me about 2 years ago (I'm 61) that when she came to the hospital to take me home she went to the play room and bent down with out stretched arms expecting me to come running to her.I didn't. She wanted me to apologize for hurting her feelings and making her feel rejected. This from someone who's edited family history taking the abuse out because it happened a long time ago and doesn't matter anymore. In reality she's taking out the abuse she and my dad committed. I went no contact shortly after that conversation. They do not like it. Anybody else have a similar story? To people who haven't experienced narcissistic abuse have a hard time believing me.
Last time I saw my mom it was with my fiancé and they were meeting for the first time. A few minutes in she brought up an extremely traumatic memory for me where basically she told me that if I wasn’t her kid she’d abandon me because she hated me. I was maybe 11. She then started laughing hysterically like me sobbing and her screaming at me that she wished she could abandon me was the funniest thing ever. I realized almost immediately that she remembers everything she did and thinks it’s funny. I’ve been no contact for 3 years since then.
After my mother kicked me and my sibling out when I was 14 she stopped by my father’s house to give us Christmas cards. She spent a good chunk of time banging on the front door (glass) and shouting for us to come out and see her. At the time I wasn’t allowed to close my door and you could see into my room from the front door so I was just curled up terrified she’d see I was home and break the door to get to me.
The card itself ended up not even being signed but inside was a typed (not even hand written) note about how much she missed when I was a toddler. How cute and quiet and obedient I was. It made me sick. I used to think that my abuse only started when my parents got divorced but now I know that it started long before then. I kept the card all the way up until I moved out of my father’s in 2021. I debated bringing it with me so I could burn it sometime but ended up leaving it behind too. I figured I was bringing enough trauma with me just in my brain, I didn’t need to bring any more physical reminders of it too.
I’ve been no contact with my father since I moved out in 2021 (and haven’t seen my mother since I was 14-15) and my life has improved drastically. I’m disabled both by my trauma and other things, but I’m happier and safer than I’ve ever been.
@@saltydinonuggies1841 similar story. I, too was told that I was a perfect baby and the best behaved. Of course, I'm the oldest and the daughter. My sister did the showing up at the house and going to the back door and banged on it yelling at me. A week before my b-day I got a package from Amazon. I didn't order anything. Inside was a keychain with a saying on it that I should remember that they will always love me and what a wonderful woman I've become. No gift card or birthday card. If I ever get something I didn't order I'm not going to open it. These type of people have the same pattern of behavior. I really thought it was just me. I watched a video about how narcissistic parents react when you go no contact and I swear there's a playbook. The last text my mom sent me was a picture of her standing on an empty lot. They were moving to another state and building a new house because it was cheaper to build than to buy. They're not broke. It was just bait. A test. They were thinking that I would call and ask them where they're moving to and when etc. How is that love? 🤔 they showed up twice unannounced and I didn't go to the door. I'm hoping that they give up. The holidays are around the corner and this has always been the hardest time of year for me. It's very hard seeing other people have fun and enjoying each other's company. Last year a friend committed suicide a week before Thanksgiving because she couldn't be with her family. Being estranged from your family isn't an easy road.
Almost identical experience except my ailment was the croup and when my mom approached me in the children’s play room, expecting me to happily greet her, I told her, “I don’t want to leave.” I remember I was having so much fun painting a picture on an easel that I had not done since pre school. My mom did not shame me for hurting her feelings and tell me to apologize at the time, but over the years when retelling my croup story she routinely voiced that when I gave my response she wanted to take out her feelings on me by slapping or strangling me.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one with crazy stories that make normal people look at you with horror on their faces. Those looks really helped me see how Not Normal it all was.
I'm a psychologist and many of my clients are low/no contact with their parents. Not once have I ever told a client to go no-contact with a parent, despite how many parents will blame me for "ruining" their family. Many clients reach this point on their own after years of practicing assertive communication skills and trying to mediate with rigid, disrespectful enmeshed family members. These adult children then spend some time grieving the loss of an idealised family unit that never was, but there is also a sense of relief. These clients wouldn't need therapy if their parents just showed some effort to listen and reflect.
I'm pretty sure my mother would have blamed my husband. I once told her when I first started dating him that the only flaw I can see in him is he's too over protective of me. Like he won't even let me walk on the street side of the sidewalk. She started shrieking at me that I needed to break up with him now.
Well it's been 18 years. We are still going strong. He's my best friend and I'm low contact with her. I just got a call from my brother. He had his first child 2 years ago and the way mother has been acting towards him in regards to his daughter, he told me he's gone full no contact.
I too worked in the mental health field, and you know it is dominated by people with ultra-liberal values which are not pro-traditional family. Many are also anti-Christian. I have attended conferences and lectures and saw mental health community in real time. When I mentioned that I pray for my clients, a colleague screamed at me and then crossed the room to attack me. For some reason, she stopped midway looking around her and realizing where she was and backed off. I could tell more horror stories about the mental health field. I suggest anyone going to get help from these people be very careful who you select as a therapist.
@@candaceorr7517 and then everyone clapped.
I'm going to be blunt, someone screaming but then politely backing off is more of an odd story than horrific and that's ignoring the fact it sounds like you're cutting context if not entirely making this up to justify the narrative of 'anyone who is not a traditional christian is insane/bad'.
@caramel9154 She didn't back off politely, she backed off with fear on her face, I'm sure not from me, but fear of losing her job. I was there, you were not, and I wonder why it bothers you so much. Maybe it doesn't fit your narrative. I know what happened and I know what I saw and I stand by my comment.
@@candaceorr7517 Aight, I stand by mine because it sounds pretty unrealistic.
No contact with Dad since age 16, and Mum since age 36- I’m now 55.
Never looked back for a nanosecond. Best decisions of my life.
If everything is so perfect why you are here??
So succinctly put! These parents believe they are the victims, after ignoring their children's please for decades. Clown world!
The level of projection these parents display is so off the charts it's incredible they haven't imploded on themselves at this point.
@@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617it will catch up with them. Karma's a bitch...so we don't have to be ✌️
I've been estranged for 8 years now and watching this not only reassures me I did the right thing, but also this is HILARIOUS. Instant subscribe
My daughter went no contact with me almost a decade ago. I’ve disrespected her boundaries by continuing to contact her via email most of that time. After a lot of self-reflection, I realized that my daughter was telling me she didn’t feel safe, secure or valued for years before going no contact. I can’t fix my past behavior, but I hope someday I can apologize to my daughter.
My mom and I don't talk, but it's sort of a mutual thing. My mom went through a lot when I was an infant and sort of just checked out. I think once we stopped talking, she felt relieved of the burden of being someone's mother.
That doesn't sound like your situation at all, but maybe take a look at the things you were going through when your girl was a child that affected her. Maybe there were some things you were going through that you can heal from and just be at peace with that time in your life.
I know you want that relationship back so badly, but just in case it can't happen, you at least want to be at peace with it all and forgive yourself.
@
Thank you for sharing your experience and your very empathetic advice. You’re thoughtful. I appreciate that.
I’m sorry your mother checked out on you. Every child needs love, attention and bonding with reliable grownups.
Every accusation is a confession. It's so bizarre how these abusers contort themselves into victims. And what does it teach us? We were so, so, so right to cut contact.
"Social media is teaching kids to act on their feelings, disgusting" 😂 oh yes how dare the kids learn to understand why they are feeling a certain way and how to process those emotions.
First, thank you for going undercover so we didn't have to. Your self-control in recording some of these statements is impressive. The statements these estranged parents make are terrifying but also enlightening and freeing in a way. I worked decades trying to make things but didn't have willing partners in the endeavor. I'm an imperfect person who, like everyone, has plenty of work to do on myself but you can't keep letting people lie to you, lie about you and play ugly games with you and treat you inhumanely. Sometimes you just have to go in order to make it stop. The attitudes you revealed - without revealing anyone's identities - help me understand the intractability of what we were up against. Only they can fix it and they won't. As a psychic once intuited to me, "You have to pack up your toys and go play somewhere else."
Love your comment 💗
Thank you Kirsten 🤗
@@JulianotKaren
I spent some time with these folks, too. It is remarkable that they all say the same things and in the same ways. They insist on looking at the relationship with a child as being “equal”, as if the child has controlled them. They never seem to understand that if they’re being treated with disrespect, it’s because they have taught disrespect. They are way too immature to be in relationships with anyone, and all their happiness is faked. They fake-cry, too, then become angry when it doesn’t get them sympathy.
Finally realized that I had switched from trying to save my narcissist, to going NC with her to struggling to reason with narcissists online.
No more!
Entitled parents want all the accolades and praise that parents receive, but none of the hard work and sacrifice that it actually takes to care for a child.
There's a video of Ellen talking about having to take responsibility for the things that went on with her show. It really was akin to a Captain wanting the title and prestige of the job but the work and responsibility? Naw... It was an enlightening look into the mind of a Narcissist. Oddly, my mother would shout from the rooftops about, "If you want the job you accept the responsibility that comes with it." So she understood. They all do, they just think they are special and above that. It's insane.
Thank you for investigating this so that we don't have to. I went no contact with my parents and they turned from bad to worse. It was a rude awakening to recognise they're not just mean and immature but legitimately insane. Having done a fair bit of work on myself I'm at a point where I can laugh at the outlandish recounts of these so-called parents.
For my fellow survivors- it gets worse before it gets better but never underestimate how much better life can be after a few years of committed recovery and no contact.
They flip out! Mine tried to get me to re-engage for almost a year. It's been 2 years since I cut contact and I've never felt so peaceful ❤
Consider a restraining order
“My happiness or my children’s” says it all
Unlike the other members of my family I have found that everyone can have their needs met and be happy (or at least content) if they are willing to listen and compromise. They need to have everything 'their way' or no way and it's exhausting and drives people away.
If my daughter went no contact with me, I would be absolutely devastated at having failed her so terribly that she was better off without me in her life. It's a shame these parents insist on trying to continue to harm their children. If you mess up, own it.
It's also heartbreaking that these children only found the fortitude to go no contact with the parents when their own children were threatened, but they were subjected to the tyranny themselves for so long first. It's so hard breaking out of that, but they managed to do so anyway. Good on them!
I’m an evil from birth human brainwashing my siblings.
I made family life difficult because I spoke out and continued to speak out about the abuse happening from my older male sibling. I'm bad for splitting the family.
In reading several comments from estranged mom Diane here on TH-cam, I saw more than one parent of an estranged adult child advising others to try to see their grandchildren without their estranged child’s consent. Absolutely not! How dare you tell people to sneak to see someone’s child when that child’s parent went no contact in the first place?!
Exactly. What kind of adult wants or encourages relationships with children, without a parent’s consent?
At that point it’s time to get the police involved, and to make sure there’s a safety plan in place for the child in case of an unexpected visit along with notifying every adult who supervises the child (teachers and babysitters) who is and isn’t allowed to see the child.
Absolutely crazy behavior by narc parents/
Psychopaths, narcissists and borderlines do not follow rules. Rules are for “normal” people, not special people like them. They are entitled to make their own rules, on account of being supremely talented.
I wish I was joking. I’m not.
I spent my whole childhood afraid of my parents.
I am low-contact. If I could go completely no-contact, I would.
They are truly hard-hearted, controlling, manipulative people.
Why can't you go no contact? They sound horrible.
@@JohnSmith-wi4xo I can't afford to move out...I live in a really expensive state. Every time I get close to having enough saved, something happens and I wind up having to drain what little savings I managed to make.
Oh yes. I'm so glad you picked up on the whole thing with their off-springs therapists and the need to hear 'their side'. I always ask these parents, "So if you went to a therapist and the person said, 'I can't treat you without hearing your child's side...' would you encourage and be okay with that?" It usually stops them cold. They are so used to being able to manipulate anyone their child reports their behavior to that they hate a therapist who advocates for their child. Anyone who supports their child is an enemy because they KNOW how they behave and don't want it exposed. Allergy to honesty.
The fact is, these types are so predictable and use all the same tactics and language. They claim the same is true in reverse and again I laugh because why would the reactions of estranged off-spring be different when we all report the same behavior patterns emanating from our parents? Like where do they think behavior patterns in the family started? Hint - with them...
@@ellyk8834 decades ago when I first started having mental health issues I asked my mom to go to a therapy session with me. She did. However, the psychologist wanted to model how we could effectively communicate and understand each other. When we left all she said was " I don't need a stranger to tell me how to talk to my daughter ". It drives me nuts when I see podcasts about reconnecting with your adult estranged child. They don't want to reconnect. Do all of those people think we haven't already tried everything we could think of to be loved and respected?!!! Going no contact is the last resort. I have never felt loved by either of my parents. In fact, they don't even like me.
Angry parent describing child: "It's their way of standing up and saying 'I have rights too!'" Well, it's nice to know that they actually do understand what their kids are saying. They just disagree that their children are people. 🤷♀
6:43 The total lack of humanity here is staggering. It's just so disgusting on so many levels.
"Screw their boundaries this pisses me off more than the estrangement. I will never be told how I can live and what I cannot do, especially by my own offspring..." "We are their livegivers and demand and deserve their respect. All boundaries and personal space is just disrespecting and judging parents..." "It's their way of standing up and saying I have my rights too. They will learn that this is not the true way of life..." "The lengths these narcissistic brats will go to to get even."
Genuine soul rot.
Parents should teach boundaries, a child who isn’t taught is vulnerable to predators & abuse.
Why do want your child to be vulnerable to abuse ?
A boundary is essential to everybody & if you don’t know this you might be abusive
“With good parents, there isn’t a thing we won’t do to have healthy relationships with our children. With bad parents, there isn’t a thing they would do.”
Oof.
It is bewildering that these parents can wish harm and suffering upon their children and then wonder why they were cut off. They're throwing stones in glass houses and complaining about the crashing noise.
And these types are so immature that you know if they don't like someone or hold them in general contempt that they will treat they accordingly. They have no ability to not take their feelings out on the object of their disgust. It's not that my parents hate me is the problem - it's that they can't stop reminding me.
I know this wasn't a lighthearted or funny topic but your dry wit really made me laugh - "the research was taxing enough, having to edit it would just be cruel". As a no-contact adult child, I applaud you for the work you do.
THE TOP FIVE BOUNDARIES ARE INSANE! these people are genuinely delusional. i'm dreading going no contact with my mother as soon as my little brother is old enough to be independent, but seeing the way other parents act after being given boundaries, not just her, cements this is something i have to do for my own sake.
You are spot-on. Having younger siblings we want to protect makes things even more painfully complicated, but, if we don’t do what it takes to protect ourselves, we’ll never be the big brother or sister they really need.
@@KirstenAlberts I agree. Being an embodiment of everything the shared parents are not gives an older sibling the ability to potentially be a safe space for their fellow survivors. If those siblings want to rise above they'll see that older one as a path forward to emulate and rely on.
I laughed so hard at "they call every generation after theirs The Tiktok Generation"
I went no contact with my abusive adoptive parents. I didn’t speak to them for 25 years, when my adoptive father called to tell me that my adoptive mother had died. After resuming contact with him I soon realized why I went no contact in the first place. On the brighter side I have 3 wonderful children who I’m extremely proud of and close to. People need to realize that we loved our parents, in some warped way but that we couldn’t take their abuse.
Tipping this while watching: I really love the vibe here. Collected, cool, analytical and confident. This is exactly how I aspire to become.
How fragile must your ego be, that your child asking you to please not endanger your grandchildren turns you into this kind of monster who will burn everything to the ground before allowing anyone else to approach them and have a conversation person to person... Between two people who have a deep bond of love with each other.
This is horrifying. This is nothing short of monstrous.
I’m estranged from my mother and nearly all of her family. Thank you for this very valuable insight.
Me too. Best thing I ever did.
Me too, and I hate it, but it was necessary and it was the right thing. I wish you strength and peace.
Me too. I'm sorry it's come to this for us but life is much better, more peaceful without them. If they didn't want us talking about them this way, they should've treated us better.
I feel nauseous. Several of these sound like my parents. Sure, I'm the mentally unstable, evil, spoiled brat for setting boundaries and cutting contact after my dad threatened to have my son taken away to try to control me.
You can set aside those false labels. That’s not you.
You were right to set that boundary.
I’ve been called “controlling” because I’m trying to stop them from controlling me. I told my father to stop trying to control me and run my life and he said, ‘Someone’s got to (control me), because I’m not doing a very good job of it’, (running my own life). This is after I separated from an 17-year old abusive marriage that I was bullied and manipulated into, by ‘you guessed it’, both controlling parents and an abusive narcissistic ex-partner.
Your dad; He’s not the boss of you!
He’s not the boss of you!
No one is the boss of you!
My antenna went up over the mention of an "evil" daughter who was hateful from birth, never wanting to be touched. Did the mother ever check to see if her daughter was on the autism spectrum? If the mother was physically pushy and demanding with a child who found touch over-stimulating or repellant, that's huge trouble.
This weekend I found out (as did the rest of us) that the person I estranged myself from had died alone some time ago. It is strange knowing the villain of one's story has gone. Very mixed emotions.
I'm waiting for this. I wonder sometimes how I'll feel when I find out. I'm glad we're here and healing ❤
Was the estrangement from your parents or your own children?
@@marcusn.3762 Older male sibling. The villain of our story. My younger brother and I have discovered the term, 'Grief for what-is-not' - we were jubilant to know he was no longer a threat to us and then felt sad about what we effectively lost almost 40 years ago. Based on an aunt's response to my lack of obvious grief, I realise that the narrative my mother (R.I.P) shared was not my younger brother's and my reality. She made me out to be the difficult one who split the family. I guess to explain what had really happened would not have made her look so good, or capable, as a parent.
I have this scene in my mind from the Wizard of Oz: "Ding dong, the Witch is dead!" When I think of the possibility of my mother's death.
@@RobinPoe What my little brother and I were amazed with in this situation (older sibling/villain of our younger lives dying) is how we mourned "what is not". We were so excited to hear it had happened, then it hit us both over the following days. We mourned what should have been, what we should have had. This abuser should have been someone so important to us. We should have been able to say his name and to state the relationship and not have it catch in our throats.
Ah yes, it's always the therapists, social media, teachers, friends, partners, etc. It's never THEM. 🙄
And then they complain that their kid's support system "only hears one side of the story", then proceed to tell only their side of the story.
Finally, their kids have already told them to eff off, so they don't get to. That makes them apoplectic.
Everyone is supposed to believe THEM based on THEIR side of the story but when people apply that level of belief to their child they believe there is something wrong with that person for not seeking out their side. They are also low key saying, "My side trumps my child's so if the therapist hears me then all this silliness will end." and then be really confused when a good/qualified therapist views that for what it is - another abuser parent used to setting the narrative of child bad and them good.
I always ask those type of parents if they were seeing a therapist would they agree that that person cannot treat them until they hear their child's side of the story? All of a sudden they understand that a therapist doesn't have to hear from the 'other side' to treat them. That need to set their child's therapist straight is a confession of being a child abuser. In my opinion, a non-abuser parent wouldn't feel the need to intrude at all let alone feel that something is amiss if their position isn't being taken into account. That's just not how healthy people think in my experience.
I've thought about doing this since i read The Missing Missing Reasons, but couldn't do it. Thanks for doing it for us!
Evil for not wanting to be hugged. Insaaane.
“It’s their way of standing up and saying they have rights too” lmaoooo she thought she ate here. She doesn’t think they should stand up for themselves
Turns out I was autistic and not evil....who knew lol
This is very valuable. Thank you for this undercover operation. The parents in the groups, from beginning to end, blame everyone but themselves for the children going NC. You see where the problem lies because of these reactions. No self reflection.
It is a pity they end up in a group where self reflection is absent. They cannot really help eachother.
I was in the same store as my estranged mother a couple weeks back. We haven’t talked in over 2 years. She didn’t see me and I left the store very quickly. There was absolutely no point in interacting. I knew it would be turned on me and she would become the victim in the story. I’m so tired of being the family scapegoat and I refuse to play the part for her.
Please learn from your parents mistakes and don’t behave in the same way. You can only control your thoughts and your actions.
i havent spoken to my father since i was 14. it was the best decision i ever made. his new wife who he cheated on my mother with drove me to a cliff after i told the two of them i was suicidal. i'll never forget that day.
I love your channel and directness. I don't understand why youndon't have millions of subscribers!
My father died some years ago, but for quite a long time before that we were what I would now describe as “low-contact”. I can’t imagine him joining an online forum (because he basically just didn’t like anyone) but I can 100% imagine him having most of these thoughts. I’m so sorry to learn that there are so many other parents like him out there 😢
It’s funny hearing how many of these related to them being upset that they lost access to their grandkids cause I’m estranged from my father but I still talk to and see my grandmother regularly. Trust me, if you were a safe person, the grandkids would be talking to you once they’re old enough to make that decision themselves. But I highly doubt that’d happen. On my mother’s side I only communicate with my cousin. They keep me up to date on big events I need to know about and I help support them through dealing with all that mess when they want my help until they can escape.
That’s an amazing point!!!
I love your content and your investigations. Thank you so much for raising the REAL awareness! WOW, I admire your ability to endure such a toxic platform long enough to gather all this powerful information. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
I completely agree 😄
Thank you very much. It was quite the experience. But if it helps to alleviate some of the guesswork and misplaced guilt, it was worth it.
Thank you for this video! I was just looking for support groups today and shocked that the majority of them being for the parents. Thank you for this research you did and call this out. ❤
Excellent video that concisely explains who these tiresome, abusive, excessively selfish, manipulative, controlling, hypocritical parents (and siblings, in my case) really are. Was watching another vid on this same subject, but for real, at 1-1/2 hours, it was Way Too Long. Yours' is straightforward and thorough without the....added commentaries.
I find everything you've said fascinating! I moved out as soon as I turned 18 and never looked back. Same with my other 3 older siblings. I consider myself the "lucky one" because I watched at least two of them try time and time again to fix the relationship with our parents to no avail. And more often than not it got very violent and traumatic, but learned and prepared to go and stay gone once ties were cut.
Me and my brother were pawns thrown around by our mother since our parents divorced in 1990. As first born, my brother had more damage. His submissiveness and multiple physical illnesses made him a hostage who could not defend himself. When ever I was not compliant, it was my brother who suffered. She passed 10 months ago. I have not been able to have a personal relationsip with him - mother was policing our interactions all the time.
You've got yourself a new subscriber. Great video--great topic and well delivered. Came along at the perfect time for me.
Horrified to hear those grandchildren statements. Terrifying!
Just curious: was there ever any curiosity about what went wrong or any willingness to be accountable for hurting their children?
Have a look at: th-cam.com/video/5Tg9dfj53x4/w-d-xo.html. I answer a few of these questions in this video.
The first time I remember my mom yelling at me about being greedy for money, I was 7. She brought up money and her will consistently after that. She cut me out of her will when my brother left. I hadn’t even left yet nor threatened to. I finally cut her off two years later. It was never about money (of which there isn’t a whole lot). 🤷🏼♀️
I burst out laughing when you cited the "how much are we going to take before we die" line. I've been passively suicidal for as long as I can remember, as far back as 5yo. Trust me on this, you can take A LOT before you die from how your family treats you ! Being away from them isn't all that bad, just pretend they went in some remote tech less area, building a school or something, it'll even make you look cool!
Seriously, these people (can't bring myself to consider them parents, they're simply not) are something else. I am sad I wasted so much time trying to get them to love me. And by the way, I don't think I ever watched a TikTok video in my life. I certainly didn't need a video to spend my nights crying silently and wishing I was never born when I was 8 or 16 or 30 or to this day.
Thank you Kirsten 💜
Am making an effort to find myself after over 50yrs of familial abuse. I'm just glad that I find it all incomprehensible. It means I'm not insane 💜 Thanks again 🤗
This is so informative, thank you! Cool that you went 'undercover', I could never lmao
Thank you for this Kirsten. MUCH NEEDED!
After I went no contact my mother started telling people that my therapist implanted false memories of her abuse and neglect. It’s ridiculous!
Thanks for this fabulous video! I am so sick of parents denial about exactly what they perpetrated on their children. And they blame social media... 🙈🙈
I would never have reached any point of recovery without social media. Please make more videos 🌹🌹🌹
Honestly? The hard truth is that these kinds of parents would rather watch their child commit suicide than watch that child get therapy.
Well done on recovering thus far and best wishes for your further progress and happiness.
Also, if you are an estranged parent, and you want ACTUAL HELP! Stay the eff out of those groups. They will not help you! They will only encourage you to become a venom spitting, poisonous, lump of self pity. And also, apparently incredibly dramatic. 😂
Oh ! I got a good one! Can you believe my mom got a national medal of merit for her work with families ? She didn't dare tell any of her kids when she would receive it, I think she knew we wouldn't have looked good in the picture...
I cut ties with my abusive mother more than 10 years ago but I still feel the guilt. Sounds like abusive parents don't even know that feeling and I'm here blaming myself smh
So. Couple things. One: your child is NOT telling you what you can, and cannot say. They are telling you that if you continue to behave in a certain way, or say certain things to them, they are going to have to CHOOSE to be away from you. Two: you have SO much power here, REAL power to dictate the relationship with your child. Treating your child like what they are, an actual human being, as opposed to an extension of yourself or a possession means you get to be in their lives, and you get to have a healthy relationship. It is not lost on me that the parents that are being denied contact with their children, and grandchildren, CANNOT accept any accountability. How can you teach your CHILD from a very young age that, "everyone makes mistakes, and as long as you accept that you have done wrong(regardless of intent)and try to make amends, and do better, it is OK," and at the same time find it impossible to understand that YOU are a part of "EVERYONE"? You give NOTHING away by respecting others, especially those that you say you love. Human pride is hard to work with, but it is doable! Every day people swallow their pride, accept accountability, and move the eff on. If your interpersonal relationships feel like they play out on a battle field, something is VERY wrong. If you embrace, " winning" over loving, something is VERY wrong. If arguing to argue is anything, but exhausting, there is something VERY wrong.
Wow, this insight was amazing. You've done amazing research! Very scary though!
Thank you very much
My Dad told me That I threw my life away the day I started Smoking weed and that no one wants anything to do with me. This after he bought my Alcoholic sister a 3 bedroom house. That was the last straw. I won get into my childhood. This December, I will stop smoking weed for my and find a new way to numb the pain. I went no contact 2 weeks ago
I’m so sorry. Substance abuse is normally so prevalent with childhood abuse. I see you and I’m so proud that you’re taking the steps to be happier and healthier xx
It was this video, and you reading out the "outrage" and "revenge" examples that made me first realize that my "attraction to villains" is not solely because of my abusive birth father, but to some extent my mother as well. I'm so fixated on this predatory dominion over others thing in a fictional context because it helps me work through trauma? Idk. But man. And the "I'd show them REAL abuse" type shit is just????? You are a goddamn disney villain. No wonder your kid dipped. "Parents only get to keep the scared straight kids" and "children used to be afraid of their parents" christ. It's predatory. These are predators.
Also the hungry desire for access the grandchildren.
"The blinding frustration of losing control" damn ...
Thank you for all you do!
"the grandchildren belong to grandparents" 😮 WTF??
And that’s ALL THEY ARE. Life givers.
I have begged my narcissistic human incubator to start therapy w me to no avail. I just cannot anymore. After 49 yrs…I’m literally physically sick now because of the stress of it all. And my current relationship is w the combo of my narcissistic life giver and her enabler, the donor, rolled into one. I give up this round. Maybe my next life I’ll fig it out. ❤🕊️😢
They are demented. I am an adult and and so is my sister with families of our own. We have a loving respective with our parents. I don't know any adult in my circle who is estranged from their parents.
It is so weird how obsessed and blind they are.
Geesus Kreist this was triggering! Very interesting! Profound! Phuuuuch!
You can't win with parents like this. They don't care about their children and will never accept accountability for anything they do. I confronted my dad with violently dragging me into my bedroom and beating me for being too loud watching cartoons one Saturday morning when I was 5 or 6 years old. The reason: "I was under a lot of stress, and you should have known better".
I had a similar experience, and what shocks me is when I see pictures of myself when I was 6. I was skin and bones, I would be scared to beat someone so small and fragile.
Oh, this makes me so, so mad. Here is a grown adult telling a small child that they should have had the maturity of an adult and kept quiet so as not to disturb their father. Grrrr! Know how you feel! Got told multiple times as a child that ‘I should have known better’. How does a child know what they should or shouldn’t do, if they’ve never been told? Ahhh, Yes, I know! I was meant to be a considerate mature mind reader when I was just a little kid. 👼 Somehow they actually think that kids automatically know all things without ever being taught! 😢
So I've been lc/nc with my parents for close to six years and I think I'm getting to the NC part for good stage soon. It helps that firstly I'm moving abroad soon and I had a hysterectomy a few days ago. I will never reproduce. I will never put any child in harms way from my mothers ever shifting moods and controlling behaviour.
They demand obedience from their adult children while they are demanding grandchildren then to seek to undermine the parents of those children. Where does it end?
6:03 the outrage phase is DISGUSTING
It's funny. I keep thinking I'm going to get the real heartfelt apology I deserve from my Mom or that we will have a breakthrough because she's so great with other people, but I just end up in the same place, picking myself up again and realizing how foolish my hopefulness is with her. Narcissistic mothers are far worse than narcissistic fathers from my experience, or should I say, the covert narcissist is much worse. The best I felt was when we had distance between us and less interaction. I love her. I tried.
When I first learned what boundaries were, I realized a certain relationship would have to end if I adopted this 'boundaries' wy of seeing life, because this person did not allow boundaries. That was 20 years ago.
Wow. I wonder if this is the kind of stuff my mom is saying about me. This made me very sad.
My mother is psychologically abusive and very intelligent which I think makes her extra dangerous. I have a good relationship with my sister in law who is married to my older brother. I am the only one who has went no contact. My SIL told me that after spending time with my mother for the weekend, both of my nieces mentioned that they were sad while they were playing. My younger niece was 6 at the time and she stopped playing and said she was sad. My SIL asked her why she was sad as she was just happily playing and it was odd. She said, “grandma told me I’m sad, so I’m sad”. Apparently my mother did this to both my nieces and they both said and did the same thing when they got back! They were with my mother separately because my mom likes to take each one for a week or weekend alone. It’s not only odd, it’s a scary psychological game. I have had depression since 2nd grade, I think I’m beginning to understand why. She must have done this to me all the time.
Would this be abuse? I think it goes beyond even that. It’s so messed up and confusing. Why would anyone do that to a small child? Has anyone else heard of something like this or experienced it?
Maybe your mother behave this way because of her childhood or what she experience in her childhood. I'm not taking her part at all and I'm not excusing her behavior, I'm just saying. Do you know about her childhood and about how her mother treated her? Or about what she experienced in her childhood, including some kind of abuse? Usually, the trauma and abuse are transmitted from generation to generation. What you're doing now you're trying to break that circle of abuse, and like you said, damaging psychological game.
Yes. This is the very definition of abuse. Your mother has negative emotions she can’t process, and just holding them is painful, so she forcibly (or via manipulation) - hands them to other people- including your nieces.
This is “passing the hot potato” without consent. You might CHOOSE to empathise with a friend or loved one, or to help them carry a burden- practically or emotionally- that’s fine because you CHOOSE to do it, and also to what extent you do it. Also, in a healthy relationship, there is a reasonable expectation of gratitude and reciprocation.
Not so with parents like this- deep down they hover on the brink of suicide/psychosis, and they are quite willing to push you over that edge to keep themselves safe. They force you to feel bad to ease the load on themselves. It’s subconscious (mostly) - and utterly selfish and self absorbed- because fending off that suicidal/ psychotic devil on their back is all consuming.
@@alisongreen7576 Exactly, she's using others as a trash can for her own negative feelings. It makes her feel better to see others sad, it's sick and twisted and there's no excuse for it. I hope your SIL keeps those poor kids away from her, she will never stop doing things like this.
That sounds like textbook gaslighting. Manipulating feelings of others and taking away their self awareness in order to implement their own shrewd sense of reality.
I could never talk that way about my kids (3, now adults).
Right?! I always vaguely knew that my bio father wasn’t a *good* parent, but it wasn’t until I had a child myself that I fully understood exactly how BAD a parent he was. One of my mum’s best choices in life was divorcing his abusive ass.
I worry that maybe 1 in 10 or 1 in 20 of the parents that come to these groups might actually be more of the innocent bystander with a self destructive child who’s cutting everyone off.
I would hope if such people are finding these groups that the fact they are reasonable people means that they immediately recognise these groups are not helpful to them and leave, rather than getting suckered into this toxicity.
As a parent if ur child is “self destructive”. You have failed miserably as a parent. Youre supposed to teach ur child self regulation. And u failed.
This is so cool. It gives me so much hope for our species! The shift is actually happening. The estranged parents are kicking back against the positive changes happening in parenting, and doing a pretty good job of being embarrassingly honest about it. They hate the shift and the change. That means the change is really happening.
Watched the whole thing with ever staggering surprise.
What in the...? The entitlement of these parents! You don't own your child, and they owe you nothing! How could anyone say these horrible things about their own children?
loved this
I was literally dying and nobody noticed, and they still talk about my choice to go no contact as if it was over some petty argument...
I'm finding this video at the right time, thank you so much. I have a tough question for everybody.
What would you do if one parent has shown improvements and now wants to have a healthy relationship in your life but the other who they are married to is only going down the road of becoming increasingly more abusive? Do you continue to let only one in as I have been doing? It's been a year of being treated well by one and horribly by the other and it's put me in a weird position.
Excellent question, thank you. I will answer it in the upcoming videos.
@@cj6814 wow, that sounds really difficult to navigate. Is it possible to have an open discussion with the healthy parent to see how they feel and come to some sort of agreement between you?
@@OneCatShortOfCrazy it's definitely what's coming next, I've been giving chances for years trying to plead with them and my mom still while I'm nearing 30 wants to have some form of control or validation from me constantly seeking it and has no control over her mouth and the things that come out of it. Dad was just as bad, but he must have realized that it's not worth it to try to be the parent still, so he just enjoys the time with us now instead of trying to manipulate the whole situation. This last visit was the final straw when they gave me a visit as I'm out of state and I warned them I'm pretty busy they insisted on coming and said it was completely fine that I'll be busy, mom ended up expecting 100% of my time and devotion to her and when I had something to go to like I said I would she acted out concluding I must not want her around. I let them come a day earlier and for a 4 day stretch I had 3 hours total without them but it wasn't good enough for my mother. This is the most simplistic of things, she doesn't believe in respecting boundaries and has told me that. So my dad is actively trying and my mother is actively defying and I know it's a matter of time till they want to give me another visit and I have to tell them dads welcomed and moms not. It's stupid hard on me because the rest of society does not understand, they think we just need to talk it out or I just need to forgive..... I'm so many times and years exceeding that doing it over and over again.
@@OneCatShortOfCrazy yeah that's probably the plan, like the video stated at one point my mom doesn't believe in boundaries either so it's not like I'll have full respect and understand from her but my dad might accept it at this point in his life. In her mind she's still the parent in control and im almost 30.
As a non-expert going through similar things: you have a right to put your own survival and wellness first. One parent has continued to choose the relationship with the toxic spouse over their own future or their relationship with you. That probably comes from a place of weakness or illness rather than some kind of malice, but the reason kind of doesn't matter when the result is the same: damage to you. If it was me? I'd tell the better parent I love them and want a relationship with them, but that I can't allow the cruelty back into my life, and that I hope they can come into that place alongside me. But until that day, I'm keeping my distance. I'm choosing me.
I'm at a point where I can't be around my mom. I'm so close to telling her to fck off. Also, my dad doesn't ask me tells me that he's going to visit me and stay with me. He tries to patent me still. He didn't try when we were kids he was a good for nothing drunk. He's borderline homeless and he still drinks. The drama that follows these people is not worth the trouble. My mom forced her way to my elopement then later told me I can do better. 🤦 She sold her house and moved in with us. I didn't have the heart to tell her to leave. She eventually did, but moved in with my sis.
In these support groups, are they actually getting any real education or understanding of WHY their children have stopped contact? Or is just validating their abusive behaviors?
Yep, it’s just a big fat echo chamber of rage and delusional victimhood.
Why do therapists never talk about coercive behaviour of adult childrens partners and isolation from parents and family. It now against the law in my country. I had a sister who was estranged but finally woke up to her husband isolating her. She doesn't drive and always chose to live in dirt roads far away from everyone. Finally realised what he was doing by my insisting this was abuse. There are all types of estrangement and parents are not always to blame. Give some credit to good parents of estranged adult children. Always generalising.
This is obviously a video about toxic parents….and if you were scared your child was in danger why would u still blame that said child ? Get out of here noone cares about ur sister. There’s no generalisation when too many adults are coming out with their experiences
while isolation is a common abusive tacit, in this case it'd be done by the parents who would cut off any friends, lovers, or figures of outside authority that make the child feel safe.
Therapists don't talk about this in regards to estranged parents because it fits into the category of lover's abuse, though.. if by law your sister is forced to remain in contact with her parents, that is concerning in of itself. You spoke about people generalizing but the law does that in your country.
EP: "social media tells them that anyone who caused them trauma needs to be cut out of their lives"
so you're saying... you shouldn't...? cut out those who cause you trauma...??
"i said/did this to you because we love you"
-easy to exploit ones abusive action
I cut ties with the abusive parent more than 20 years ago. When the one way mail order harassment continued and then it went public, I took legal action. I only regret I didnt act in my own defense earlier. The bottom line us if you think these parents will see the light of their loss, they won't. Theyd rather destroy their own children than admit fault.
Agree. Your final sentence nails it.
Baie dankie vir hierdie K
Groot plesier ❤
Considering that children are the ones that need support I would not be able to stomach the overt narcissism in those groups. People who believe they are being attacked by their children are emotionally disturbed and neglecting their children and at this point grandchildren as well are most likely involved.
Have there been any qualitative research done on this topic?
these are the narcissist parents , and my mom said the same thing about loving babies and it is a control issue.