If Someone Isn’t Listening to You… |
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 17 มี.ค. 2024
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My mom says that all the time. Don't speak, smile, listen, pay attention to what they say and especially what they do. They reveal themselves.
Men of deeds.
No don't smile
Mum is very wise.
"Sometimes... when I want to understand a person's motives-I play a little game: I assume the worst..." -p.b.
@@rugbyolive the smile is to put them at ease and not putting their guards up and reveal themselves ... in certain cultures, the smile doesnot mean they won't attack you ...
If ppl don’t ask questions back, they’re not interested.
I ask a lot of questions, but thats simply not true. Very introverted people are interested, but many times are afraid to probe a subject due to either social anxiety or otherwise
I used to ask questions, but people seem to get annoyed when I do.
@@jevvf3246 as an introvert who overthinks, I agree with this. Some of the people I'm most interested in I don't ask any questions to because I'm afraid it'll be the wrong type of question or I'll bother them in a way that they're no longer interested. Sometimes my brain tells me 'if they're interested they'll tell me about themselves because they want me to know them'.
Not true sometimes I’m interested but I want a short answer to the question and I want to agree but I don’t always like them asking questions back then I have to explain and by that time they aren’t as interested.
Wish my boss knew this lol
If the convo isn’t a back and forth then it ain’t a conversation
I "had" a buddy that would only like to hear him self-talk and wouldn't let me talk and even when I was able to speak he would just wait til i was done so he could start talking again. Instead of getting mad, I would just listen, and Jordan Peterson was right. This guy told me everything about himself that I needed to know.
was it good or not?
Based off his "had" Id say not good lol@@kariannstunes8619
I have a friend who loves to hear himself speak. He rarely asks how I am doing or seems interested. One day, during a phone conversation, I did not say a word just to see how long he could talk before stopping to ask my opinion. He spoke nonstop for 45 minutes. I did not say a word. That just seems unbelievably self absorbed, no?
@@roquefortfiles that's crazy. I also have a friend like this. It's pretty tiring honestly. He can be funny and good to hang out with at times but other times it's just exhausting
It’s disappointing. I have a “friend” like this too. It’s always a one sided conversation. When I do try talking about something I’m going through she brings it right back to her and her experiences. I just stopped trying to express myself. Every conversation is just feels like being a therapist for her. I realized it doesn’t really have anything to do with me, or my value. By watching and listening I’ve noticed she’s just so self focused that she almost can’t help herself. It’s who she is and I just accept her for who she is. I save the depths of myself for those who care about it.
Learned this growning up in fostercare. Most of psychology is honesty and observation.
What if I just have ADHD man, I'm not some type of Freudian lizard alien or whatever he is describing.
@@e1dsd720I think you misunderstood what Jordan said, he made it sound a little weird but that’s how he talks
@@e1dsd720but yeah the adhd wouldn’t really be a factor because you would be acting how you normally do.
@@e1dsd720nice excuse for being a dick
unless im masking my adhd and the abrupt change makes me panic that im not doing the masking correctl so it then goes back to what jordan is saying
This is 1,000% true. Had a group of friends who would never let me get a word in, in any conversation. Began to realize I was just the butt of all jokes. They never cared to have me around. They didn’t care about my experiences in the same way they did the others, even if we were talking about the same things. People aren’t worth your time.
I’m sorry that happened to you. Those were not real friends. There are better people in this world, I hope you find them 🙏
Woah dude, don't take that shit personal. Here's what was going on. You were boring to your friends and they never developed enough of an attachment to you because you're boring to them so they could never relate. Does that mean you're boring? No. Of course not. You just were to them. Their behaviors might have hurt your feelings and nobody can blame you for that honestly, they didn't mean it in a personal way I can almost guarantee you that. Life is about finding people who find you interesting and making connections with, it just wasn't those people for you. It wasn't personal and those people even though they were dick heads they deserve love to, just probably not from you. The number one thing I've learned in my life is about taking things personal. I got older and realized most of the time I thought somebody personally attacked me, they were actually doing something that they felt they had to because life put them in a desperate or seemingly desperate situation. They were scared and felt that was the best option. It's hardly ever personal. I pray you find a couple of mates you really relate to and have lots of good times, i know it'll happen one day if not soon.
Painful but true xx
Keep looking for friends who have your same interests.
We all need friends to share life's up's and down's.
They were jealous of you. That's been my experience in life
The rudest thing is when ur talking & the other person starts to get busy doing something. They're clearly not interested.
THIS!
My EX wife used to do that. She would walk into another room to do something while I was talking to her and then when I would get aggravated she would say she was listening. Active listening includes eye contact. Facial expressions and eye contact mean everything when it comes to having good communication with couples. Anyone who does this s*** is disrespectful and I have no time for. Is selfish people want to be heard but then walk away when someone else is talking.
@Absolutelycraziness ever consider, she had a full load of stuff to do while you commanded her undivided attention? Womens work is never done. Her home is her workspace too!
Sit her down with a nice cuppa or make dinner and talk there. Might make the difference you seek.
Many people today are emotionally ignorant.
Either way you can achieve what you want by helping fold laundry together, sweeping the floor while she wipes the kitchen down.
or starts yawning... sometimes even intentionally
Yes, and it also shows that they don't care about you, truly.
My husband starts whistling or gets up and walks out, or messes with his phone... or just starts talking...
Idk how people hold such contempt for this man. They need to close their mouths and start listening. He consistently provides such deep insight and genuine good advice for navigating life, it’s just plain fact that he operates and thinks at beyond genius levels, everyone can benefit from his content.
During Covid is when I discovered JP I stopped listening because I thought how can such an intelligent man denounce Jesus Christ. So I decided I really didn't want to listen to him endorse himself all day long. Seems he has drastically had a change of heart
💯♥️
@@amyoneelse that’s exactly how I felt about how he refused to say out loud that he believed in God, but it’s not enough for me to stop watching him bc I know he knows there is a creator, I believe that he doesn’t want to endorse it either way bc he’ll catch so much flak on both sides. He absolutely know the value of believing in God and a structured life. He doesn’t want to endorse organized religion or have to pick a denomination one way or the other. If he came out and said he was a Christian, he’d be in trouble, Roman Catholic he’d be in trouble and so on!
I like Jordan Peterson. But i agree with what a few say about him. Specifically Richard Dawkins who i respect immensely. Peterson uses ridiculously "Big" words to sound a little above and over his audience. Like you can't quite keep up with all of his......"Baffle gab" and then have to sit there thinking or feeling..."Omg Jordan must be so much more intelligent". No he isn't. There are times I want to scream at the guy........"Speak like a regular human being, bud"
@amyoneelse Dr. Peterson became a Christian. Look up his YT video about how he was an atheist and became a Christian Fascinating! ❤
I tell people all the time when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Maya Angelou line and I love it
This is so simple but so true and one of the best advice I have received.
What you say is an old common saying.
And I used to agree with it but people are vastly more complex they don’t always show themselves. Even really kind people who are good at hiding things. People are so much more complex than a sentence.
@@holographictopiaryExactly. I can listen somebody not because I’m interest in them but because I can use what they say later against them or for myself. So, it shows who I am but at the same time I can listen for being polite or kindness. People can’t really know directly your true intention.
This is when it gets tricky bro I’ve seen people manipulate this
The book of James says, be slow to wrath, slow to speak, and quick to listen.
Holy Spirit please help me 🙏
Love the word of God truth that’s piercing!❤
@@user-yf9xm8vg7z Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is living and active sharper than a two edged sword. Amen!
@@officialJOY1229 I know when I was in my addiction which lasted for about 14 years at least I knew the only way to be freed was to repent, get baptized, and believe the Gospel. Within a year or so of my baptism I felt so much comfort and joy which I didn't even realize was the Holy Spirit, I thought it was Jesus. I pray the Holy Spirit can fill you and comfort you sister!
@@officialJOY1229prayer to you now from Ak, this Eskimo child of Jesus amen
My other half detests small talk from everyone, including me.
For years I’ve reminded him that if you just listen to others, you learn exactly who they are, usually very quickly.
Some ppl need to be heard and some are simply self-absorbed.
Some ppl are worth the time and some aren’t.
Using judgement will save time and energy.
Choose your game.
I hear it every day at the office. Conversations have so many “I”s and “me”s. They don’t ask questions of each other, they just “one up” each other or brag about themselves. I don’t know how they feel like they have had a meaningful conversation.
I was having this issue with my boss. Whenever id talk to her she would start pulling out her phone and start looking down. Whatever I was saying I’d stop as soon as she did that.
Long story short, she asked why I would stop talking and I explained to her that it very disrespectful that I give my full attention when being spoken to and I don’t get the same in return. Things got better after that.
I had a therapist who did this and one time she even started to file her nails. That was the end of that. She should not even be a therapist.
@@LK-pb4noomg that's awful
I guarantee she does this to many! Good on you!!
She doesn't like you at all and if I were you I go get another job hell is coming
The opposite of what he means
I often have experienced times in my life of someone seemingly zoning out and stopping listening to me. It’s when I realised I spoke far too much. To a point it must’ve became rambling. Start choosing your words specifically. It feels awkward and strange at first but once you become comfortable with it, others around begin to place more value upon listening to what you have to say.
Great lesson here by Jordan.
Me too.
This is when you notice who really cares for you.
This advice it is great for daily life, because this has happened to me many times.
Sparta- That is really good you looked at yourself to grow from you own observations. You are gaining wisdom.
Not playing the blame game is smart.
@@SarhaCxI get it .We got a new VCR and all I asked was what buttons to I push to work this and he told me how electricity worked . I let it go and asked the kids
That's good, but that wasn't AT ALL his lesson.
Exactly. Nothing is more pleasing than walking into a room, saying nothing and just watching and listening to what others say.
I get called "rude" for doing that.
@@seanhazelwood3311I have aswell. 😅
I can think of many things that are more pleasing.🙃
I have a friend who talks my ear off whenever she has a need, and if I try to say anything she's very dismissive or "has to go". We've known each other since we were 8 years old. Now in our 60s. It's only getting worse. I have decided now to just listen and see what happens. Thanks.
Cut that "friend" off; she's using you and doesn't have any decent respect to listen to you. God bless
Lol, don’t cut a 50 year old friendship out because it a TH-cam stranger ^
Yes, listen. She probably knows you have the best listening ear, after all those years! Pray for her and for an everlasting friendship.
My grandma is 100 and told me when she was a kid she’d pray that she’d get to be an old lady, because she admired elderly people so much. Then she turned 60 and then 80 and now 100 and she got her answer! I admire old people, the same 🩷 I hope to have everlasting friendships like you do, when I’m in my 60s. Cheers 🌺
@@Sequins_ Thank you your advice. I need to take breaks once in a while, as I realize how sad it makes me after our talks. But I couldn't cut her off as she is one of my best friends. Go figure. I'm not sure if she realizes she's is doing this (not listening to me, being dismissive) -- though I brought it up once. That did not go over well...
@@rachelpops9239 I don't think I can do that altogether. But I do have to set healthier boundaries for sure. Thank you for your input
I had a friend like this who I knew since 10 years old and only recently cut him off at 41. I allowed it because of our history but it was just getting worse. Talked about himself non stop, little put downs, never listened when I had something to say, always had somewhere better to be. They basically use you to dump their crap so they're left feeling lighter and you're left feeling heavy. The fact that you tried to tell them and they didn't respect it speaks volumes. This isn't a friend. You deserve respect but first you have to get some for yourself. You'll always have your history but life is short. I realised I didn't want to waste any more time on the wrong people. I'd literally rather be alone than give my time and energy to vampires like this and I'm happier for it but mostly I respect myself more. You sound like a good person and people like this know they can use you. Be kind to yourself, you deserve better. A lesson will repeat itself until it is learned.
I live by a motto of ignoring the pretty words people say and WATCHING their actions. People will ALWAYS tell on themselves by what they DO.
Yep, turns out lots and lots of cheating.
It’s so true
Its great for reading emotionally unavailable people, they will rarely say or hell sometimes even do anything nice but when they do you know theyre probably trying their best.
Give some examples in which ways please
Yup. Very well put!! I got a co worker who spends his time drowning me with compliments but then he does shit I never asked him to do and he then demands that I thank him for it. Nope. Not happening.
I learned this the hard way growing up with parents who may or may not be narcissistic. I was taught to “ask others about themselves and talk about them” if I wanted friends. I spend my early life listening and asking. I noticed that when I’d speak, most would ignore me or talk over me, never asking me about myself. I realized that I had to weed out the ones who didn’t give a damn about me and focus on those who actually did. There are a lot of energy stealers out there who will take advantage of your kindness. You’re the only one who has control over your boundaries.
Yes I like how you said “ energy stealers” it can be very draining :(
I got a mother and a wife in and myself in the same home while im working on my real estate investing business damn near impossible lol
Yes!! 100% most people only want to talk about themselves and their lives..and the emotional vampires are what to watch out for
@@hazar-5504I call them emotional vampires
Yes I have heard that. The other guy, the other guy, ask questions about the other guy. Talk less and listen more. I get it.
I do.
And YOU count, too.
That's NOT a conversation...you are their audience. Smh. Snooze.
I wasn't taught about boundaries growing up so didn't know how to implement them. No wonder I didn't have any self confidence!? I've learned that I wasn't bad or wrong, I was a child in an abusive household and didn't know anything different.
But it made me who I am now, and finally I like who I am today.
I think my experience taught me love and empathy for people who are hurting and suffering, and to never judge♥️
Relatable?
My mom said “silence is golden, so shut up and get rich”. My father said “shut up and listen, you might learn something”. They were both right. I listened to my parents. By the time I was 40yo I took my company public on the New York and London stock exchanges simultaneously. When my father saw the Prospectus, he said “I knew you were a smart kid because you alway had a book in your face since you were 5yo”. I’m an old retired scientist (octogenarian). They were both right. 😊
Give me some of that money and I'll listen to all your stories until you perish.. Daily. 8 hours a day.
And I'll give you meals and things.
I win two ways. You win one way but hey you've won enough already
@@dupontdiscliple instead of asking for food learn how to hunt and fish. Then u will have all u can eat. It’s hard but doable. If it was easy everyone could do it. Start with learning how to invest. On TH-cam it is free and easy to learn. Three of my five adult children have done it. The other two are still struggling.
I remember a friend told me, that you act like you don’t know what’s going on in a conversation, a lot. I said because if you play dumb, people show you who they are, 💯 percent.
AHHHH THIIIS
The number of people I talk to who are terrible listeners is vast. The time it takes for them to make themselves the focus of whatever topic is being discussed is a matter of seconds. Listening is a profound gift.
Are you told you’re a good listener?
@@MeaganVanZandt yes.
@@caliconservative20 You seem very perceptive and intelligent. You'd be a pleasure to hear. I agree with you that people are poor listeners. I have a close relative who refuses to let me share my thoughts.
tbh thats not how I interpreted that. From what I gather he's not referring to when someone is uninterested in what you have to say necessarily or is cutting you off all the time, but when you talk about a topic they stop listening quick because your knowledge on the topic is not sufficient to have a real conversation how he/she would conduct it. For example when a 35 year old successful entrepreneur and 35 year old who is low income have a conversation about macroecomoics, the entrepreneur may lose focus quickly because although they are the same age the difference in knowledge makes the difference in the conversation as great as possibly talking to a high schooler or middle schooler. By listening they will quickly reveal themselves, wether they do truly have far greater knowledge and wisdom on the topic, or they are just disrespectful. The truth is, its usually both in the circumstance hes referring to as they both have far greater wisdom, but also just come across as a dick or know it all. Its all perspective but they likely know far more than you and its a waste of time, we only have so much time -- time is money as they say.
@@MilesScarf0 I imagined the opposite scenario. Where the more experienced person was talking more or less *at* the less experienced person and didn't have the sense to realize that they were hardly speaking English to them. Either way, understanding your audience is key. And also attempting to make it a conversation rather than a monologue usually helps quite a bit.
Problem is most people who don't listen never shut up. I don't have the strength.
😂 True!
Yeah, "if someone isn't listening to you, start listening to them". I've BEEN listening to them, that's the whole problem!
I work with some people like that. I’m thinking of one person in particular. She’s like a dog who sees a squirrel. I could be mid sentence when her attention shifts and I stop talking but it doesn’t even phase her… She’s a school psychologist. 🤦🏼♀️
@@sunkintree Agreed. I had to walk away from a friendship like this. My former friend would not allow me to speak. I was her "Listener", and that's it!
@@quaithom3138 agreed with this poster. When you notice you are dealing with conversational narcissism, the only real solution is to extradite yourself from that person's company. Permanently.
Absolute truth!!
The first time I heard this I had been struggling with hurt feelings due to constant interruptions...
So i stopped talking...and realized most people i was speaking to did not care about me or what i had to say...
It became clear that i needed to choose my conversations so as not to waste my time & energy.
I have the same experience - people generally don't listen and don't want to know.
It's frustrating sad & do disrespectful...I feel unseen & unheard & I find it so difficult to not take it personal...
Tell me about it @@SurviveGrowInspire😒. I feel the same as you do, at least I get to see that I'm not alone.....😔. It helps me feel a little better I guess, with reading all these comments 🤷🏾♂️.
I have a friend who complains about why nobody listens to her. All she does is repeat the same old tired self-pity stuff over and over
And on the rare occasions it is not that. it's her oversharing gross/stupid personal info nobody wants to hear.
@@russianbot4418 You don't sound like a friend Tbh.
That is not the only reason people don't listen or care. I was referring to simple social interactions - I certainly don't try to tell people my problems!
He is absolutely correct. I learned this first hand, it’s all about their actions. Words don’t mean a thing.
Deep
100% this happened to me and I did this…. It was sickening to have to face the truth. I was surrounded by envy and evil.
And yet, if your source is outside these people around you, then you can be of great help, and they shall flock to you.
😂😂😂😂maybe you should've opened your perfectly pure mouth and said something?!?!?!?! Maybe dont walk around being a mute?
Trust me I know exactly what you mean. Many won’t understand this, this is for people who are extremely intuitive and sensitive to what’s around them. Very few are that aware believe it or not. Some forms of wisdom are only meant for you to understand, this is one of those hidden life lessons that only the gifted will feel, see and understand.
I know the wife of a friend. Every time, And I mean every time!! i begin to say something to her or share some story with her she constantly starts talking to somebody else in the middle of my story. There's an uncomfortable moment where she comes back and says....."Oh sorry!! you were saying??" ... She does it so often that I can't draw any other conclusion other than she's not interested or just flat out rude.
@roquefortfiles don't talk to her, then when she asks why you're not speaking to her, tell her she is incredibly rude and doesn't listen.
When I am in the presence of jealous people, I take note. I don't waste my time on mean-spirited people. I don't tell them they are wrong. I just walk away slowly. 😊
This happened with my brother over the span of about 2 years, remember, no one is more important to you than yourself
He’s right. I did this with my own mother; that is how I learned she really didn’t care for me at all.
I’ve noticed people like hearing when I’m down and out, but stop listening or caring when I’m feeling good and talking about good things in my life.
Yep, because it makes them feel good it not them.
That’s interesting, I’ve always heard it the other way around. 😢💔
Facts!
Yep, have an ex-boss that attends the same church, I started my own business idk 8 years ago and he asks what I'm up to occasionally but only seems engaged when my schedule is slow - and ends the conversation very quickly when I'm busy and/or appears disinterested. So, I just make it a point to never tell him that I'm slow, he moves on and I couldn't care less.
Yes. I'm afraid people don't want the best for others. They say they do but they really don't
Yup. I use this all the time. I don’t talk much as it is, but as soon as I see another person is not listening I stop altogether. Dead silence is pretty strong and awkward.
Once you get to the point where the silence is no longer awkward in those situations . Its actually quite interesting to observe peoples reactions 😅
@@bossdonwellz1190 most of them appear dumbfounded and end up leaving the conversation, or physically leaving.
I stopped listening to those people who didnt listen to me, its weird but i realize they had so much power over me since i was always available to listen and talk with them, but they didnt do the same for me....i kinda run away / busy myself up a lot now, never felt so harassed 😂
And what about people with ADHD. Is that not real?
@@ghostsheet777Thank God the people in my life haven't done that to me. I'm sick and it's very hard to concentrate when people are telling me something.
My brother and dad are like this. Its never a conversation they just talk endlessly about what they want to talk about, but have no mind to what im trying to talk about with them, even when ive been trying my best to help them out with whatever they are talking about and their interests/problems.
In some cases, I’m the person you have to go silent on and observe for not listening. And trust me it’s no punishment. The discovery they can arrive at is that while I am a compassionate listener, I’m not a receptacle for emotional dumping concerning me having to play the part of listening to the same issues they have over and over again. Some people who realize others aren’t listening are inconsiderate complainers to the “listeners” in their life and I mean chronically so. And that doesn’t get talked about enough. I’ll create the space when they arrive at the desire to generate a solution and need support to execute.
I realised that I don't listen to myself, so why should anyone else? Now I try to spend more time listening to my own ideas and acting on them. It's a slow process and I'm still not very good at it, but I'm getting better. I've stopped caring whether others listen or not - it doesn't really impact my journey any more.
All of my problems were within but I had been looking for the source in the world around me. I treated my excuses as reasons.
I want to be fit and healthy. I want a job I can enjoy. I want to be a good father, husband, and friend. And I've seen so many videos I know how to do these things fairly well. I just have to listen to myself.
❤
I feel this.
Thank you for sharing. This helped more than you know. Blessings on your journey good sir.
Great insight, thank you 🙏
🔥♥️
So spot on. Reveals a narcissist instantly.
Not always..some people fucken just are stressed the fuck out and zone out. But if they don't listen multiple times. Yeah hands down a cunt 😂
@manifester144 you are exactly right, I was married to a narcissist and finally stopped talking and finally left after 30 years of marriage
I'm at year 21. I'm learning the fighting and trying to explain and defend myself doesn't help. He's not interested. I just need to not talk. He starts whistling or leaves the room when i do talk and he doesn't understand what's wrong with that....
Yep I had a couple of fake friends and some toxic partners who never asked questions back, who didn't even seem to her the words I said. I went zero contact with these people. You can't make some people respect you. They are the wrong people for you. Just leave them alone, cause if you stay, you will force yourself to be someone you are not, you will be abused, used, you will make a fool of yourself.
Its painful but so revealing. Some people really just use you for their own ends.
I was a receptionist at a mental health hospital. I would see parents, social workers, foster parents bring in children and never get off their phones. Most of the time I would ignore them until they got off the phone. They would do the paperwork and then they were back on the phone. The children would wreck havoc, many times I would correct them, if I thought they were going to hurt themselves. These adults would then wonder what was wrong with these children and want someone to fix them. I was there 22 years, have continued to see the downfall of our children due to cell phones and no one listening to them except social media.
@@Kriyavas1 It is very sad to watch.
@@Kriyavas1"Some" ? Starting to feel a lot like MOST parents...
Wow
This is so sad!! Dr Amen and Dr Gabor Mate said that connection is what they need! If there is a problem with their behavior is due to a relational issue with the parents..
Dr Amen says just 20min a day no phone don’t give them direction just be present! The problem is most of us are trying to escape our reality and can’t be present with our selves let alone our children.. sadly..
This book” Raising mentally strong kids” By Dr Amen is priceless!!! I recognize that I’m not a mentally strong person .. so I am learning along side my kids.. Dr Gabor Mate and dr Dan Siegel have excellent books as well!!!!
Finally proud of my helicopter mom title. I know those aren't my kids you're taking about. 😂
Just had an experience like this at work. A narcissistic woman would never pay attention to me when trying to give pass down information for the next shift. She always had her back turned, or would be eating, fidgeting through stuff, etc. The last time, I just stopped talking mid sentence. She turned and looked at me and said, “Are you okay?” Which I replied by telling her I’d appreciate her attention when trying to give this important information, and she is being disrespectful. Long story short, she flipped out and her mask dropped on the floor. She called me evil and hard to work with. Neither of these are true, she was just projecting her insecurities onto me.
Maybe its just the way you worded ur story so take this with a grain of salt but her turning when u stopped talking means she was probably listening and her multitasking and the use of the word fidgeting and mask just scream neurodivergent especially adhd to me which can cause problems focusing on the person talking and eye contact. Sometimes neurodivergent traits can be mistaken for narcissistic traits because the outcomes can look similar but the reasons behind it come from different reasons. Someone i knew hated this one colleague who she felt was always being short with her and insulting her and always complained when to me of when they had to work together i pointed out that this person was probably not meaning to insult her but seemed line an autistic person being to blunt and not realizing they were being offensive. The next time she went to work she went in with a more open, inquisitive and compassionate frame of mind and she can back from work that day saying her day was much more positive when she came in with the mindset this person was not purposefully trying to antagonize her and furthermore that they actually weren’t as antagonistic as she thought when she wasn’t seeing thing through the negative lens and after watching their behaviour deeper she realized they had many autistic traits and there work relationship vastly improved when she understood that people have different abilities and do not always think and work the same way and she accounted for the benefit of the doubt it that scenario. So not saying this is the case with your situation but many people with adhd or other neurodivergence often are very sensitive to rejection and when someone penalizes then for things they cannot control can cause them to become emotionally upset. So if this person was neurodivergent they would probably be justified from their perspective to see someone being ableist and discriminatory to them as evil and even if they are not aware the are neurodivergent due to missed or misdiagnosis(especially common with women) they have probably been bullied and punished for not maintaining eye contact and their focus issues their entire life so are hyper sensitive to criticism in that area and it would inadvertently trigger that past trauma to be called out on that. A narcissist person would more likely to gaslight you that they were not doing that or just ignore what you said as it would challenge their image to internalize it and if you are clearly not able to be manipulated by them they will avoid you so there manipulations are not called out, for a narcissist to loose it like u describe it would require a much different scenario like if they are loosing control of someone they had invested a great deal in like a close friend or romantic partner, narcissistic are usually not emotionally invested and vulnerable to people they work with. For such a volatile emotional reaction it much more likely stems from rejection sensitivity commonly seen in adhd
I’m glad you are able to have this level of awareness to both process and put this situation aside 💪❤️
That was rude of her!! "Narcissistic" traits indeed!!
This kind of behavior is increasing. A lot of people are losing their identity & moral abilities, so sad. Security!!!...
Very well observed, that's a narcissist revealed.
This is great advice. Just did this yesterday. Lots of times I talk to someone with the intention of waiting for this moment to occur so I can better understand whomever it is I am speaking to.
A lot of people are missing the point. It’s not about “having a conversation”.
He’s talking about deceit and betrayal. When you trust someone and you’re confiding in them or trying to have a serious discussion. If they don’t show interest, it’s usually because they’re hiding something. When someone is being deceitful, you need to listen and pay attention rather than make your voice heard.
Silence is the most powerful communication technique.
When people finish their point expecting a response, they become uncomfortable with silence and start talking again.
The same applies with what Peterson is saying. If they’re not listening, go silent, read them, and wait. They’ll either become uncomfortable and ask you to repeat it because they got caught not listening, or they’ll change topic/focus.
Someone who’s actually listening will be confused as to why you didn’t finish your point.
It's amazing that some folks can't handle silences at all. They can't sit with themselves.
@@niamhryan2973 you mean sit quietly with someone?
It would be wise to consider that the person may have a very hard time concentrating on what someone is saying, despite really wanting to.
If you want to find the truth of the matter, you have to pay attention to context. If there is room for misinterpretation, you can't just take one sign as proof for whatever you are assuming about them and disregard other interpretations, at least if you want to be fair to them.
Now, if you see multiple signs of them being disrespectful to you but there's even a shadow of a doubt, you might ask for a second opinion about them and their actions/reactions to you.
With that said, sometimes we can latch onto one interpretation that makes us feel better about ourselves by painting them as the villain, when we could just be projecting.
What I'm saying is, we can be 1,000% sure that we are right in our assumption of their malice, yet we can be completely off base and wrong about our assumption due to some implicit bias we have about them, perhaps from some past trauma we haven't dealt with yet.
Maybe what they did, without trying to or even knowing it, might have reminded us of our controlling mother or an abusive ex, which could set us off, despite them being almost nothing like the other person who hurt us, we just can't see due to the blinders of old wounds limiting and twisting our judgement of them.
Lastly, someone like me, who really wants to listen when people talk to me, yet has a hard time holding my focus, apparently due to ADHD (found out when I was 39....yay...) could be labelled as Narcissistic.
This was something I was really worried about. I took a test and listened to the traits of a Narc and I am as far from that as you could be, even a "Covert" Narc aka Professional Victim.
In short, you have to pay attention to people and do your best not to always make snap judgements about people, at least when not appropriate.
9/10 times, what could be attributed to malice targeted specifically at you, is usually just an accident, a careless but not malicious oversight or something done by someone completely different than our assumed "culprit" not meant to hurt us but to help someone else we know nothing about.
My exp is they look at me strangely waiting for me to continue, they may say “are you ok?”
Ive been doing this my whole life. Ive been ignored so much throughout my life when I begin to talk to someone, I can immediately see if they are listening or not and if not then ill shut up
Indeed. I dont like talking particularly and if someone isn't listening, why the hell should I talk. Can be awkward the first time you try this, but it'll be more awkward for them if you catch them. Very powerful tool if you want to be understood instead of just talking.
Keep being polite, but upfront and honest is a solid combination.
My family try to tell me that No one cares about my advice that I try to give people.Fine you don’t need to take it but the fact that they have no patience to listen to me show exactly who they are..Now I scared to talk to them because I don’t know what they do behind my back.Thank you sir for educating the right people.
@@ifnotnowthenwhen9063 I pray you and your family get on good terms and that Jesus can come into your family and changed them for the better. I love you man, keep giving advice and keep talking🙌🏽
@ifnotnowthenwhen9063, does anyone that you give unsolicited advice to actually want your life, though? If they don't, why would they pay attention to your advice?
as I said I don’t expect them to act on my advice but the fact that they are not bother to listen when I talk and me listen when they talk actually speaks volume.
This is so true. Especially with narcissists. I can't have a conversation with a narc. They are so about themselves and just disgustingly cowardess I despise them. I've been a victim of a few narcissists and it is torture.
True, I found out that someone was manipulating people's perspective of me. I've gained high ground and cut off communication. The other person came back and said. "Just leave everything". It was to regain control instead of getting to the core problem
Truth. Sadly, that doesn’t mean the relationship is fixed. It may mean it’s time to walk away.
And often.
I'm 96th percentile enthusiasm. It takes a longer time for me to realize when a person resents me
That’s what happened me. Had an epiphany and ghosted after I left forever lol
True …
If you give up on and discard the people placed in your presence, you will miss out on your purpose to humanity.
When they're there, I give them my full attention and care. The problem is, they haven't done anything to deserve my continued care and consideration. It's the same reason you don't want to let someone who insults and belittles you constantly to live inside your head rent free.@@andrewjmyers4192
I will seek out connections with people who reciprocate.
Started doing this … truly works like a charm. Just listen to what people say! They tell you everything.
One of three things is happening:
1) They don't respect you.
2) They are going through something at the moment so are distracted and the current topic is far from their mind. A good opportunity to help someone out by asking if there is something they would like to talk about.
3) They think you are stupid in general and your input won't be meaningful so they tune out at the start of any conversation. They may be right or wrong about this. A good rule of thumb is if you tend to get ignored by lots of people but this can also be if you are softly spoken.
Its so much better for you're sanity 😌 maturing is realizing it
Jesus. Jordan thank you. Another invaluable lesson from the father we wish had.
“Invaluable lesson” maybe for you
Just allied this to what’s happening to me now.
Same here.
@@Tylerd838 right ... ppl who only think of themselves won't find this of any value ...
@@JL-pq9omIt's a beautiful thing to experience these truths unfold in our lives 🤗
Perhaps you meant "applied*" rather than "allied" ?
Take care ❤️🔥
One thing that stuck with me, I remember when Jordan told the story of Marduk, a god who's main abilities were paying attention and speaking magic words, the idea was that he who pays the more attention and learns to speak and properly communicate their ideas is the one who's destined to rule them all, and that is revealed the more you develop those skills, you start to notice those little things about people, who secretly envy you, who really appreciates you and that's is so important in the real world
Jordan?
@@MrJaywalkYeah! You got it. That’s his name.
Great band, also (Marduk)
A cleaning oh good.
It bothers me when they give ask you the obligatory, how are you? You tell them, but you feel they aren't listening, and can't for you to finish so the spotlight is back on them. The ice I stand on is getting thin.
I have always done that. It really shows their character. The door swings both ways. 😊
Sadly I'm not listened to by my family. I just stopped talking to see how long it was before they noticed. My sister in law finally noticed and asked why I had stopped talking? I said because you're not listening to me! To be ignored by your own family is horribly rude. I said why should I stay if you are not going to listen? They then apologized and started listening.
That's an awesome blessing sir.Im glad things worked out ♥️💯🙂
I know family members who ignore me and say they don't. They wouldn't even notice if I stopped talking because they don't care enough. Just carrying on with their life. No flowing communication after that.
And it is also mental abuse as well as bullying behavior to be ignored or talked over. They need to grow up.
I get ignored, too. Sometimes I think it's voice, quiet and calm .
I had my husband go get his hearing checked. The nurse told him he has selective hearing like most men😂.
I'm actually going through the same problem. It's so ironic. It happens with my friends also
The bible says. "Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger"...
Always be the last one to speak, and when that happens, you don't have to say a word.
🕊📖AMEN💖🙏z
AMEN♥️✨️🔥
One of my favorite Bible verses
Be slow to speak and eager to listen!!!!!!!!!
💯💪
Always be the last one to talk. Do not say a word? But but
Most of the time people aren't interested in anything you say, they are just waiting for you to stop talking, to start talking about themselves again.
So true!!!!! my mom always told me to listen when people are talking they will tell you how they really feel about you and why they came around you!!!!!
This is me! It's how I became a great listener and sn even better observer. Body language speaks louder than words. You notice more when you're quiet.
I didn't notice it before, but when my mom got comfortable talking to me when I returned home after living away for 2 years, it dawned on me she's a narcissist. Things I didn't notice before now became clearer to me. It explained why I have these emotional scars and trauma. I'm very thankful my partner is helping in my healing 😢
Just started a new job, and noticed that when i would say something to these two individuals in particular a few times their responses were no where within the context of what i had said or indicated they didnt even bother to listen to my words to give an appropriate reply, made me get quiter immediately, and start to observe, noticed that there was a coldness there, definitely going to just keep to myself more, do my job , and go home.
Absolutely true! I learned this at a very young age. I remember my dad saying this often when trying to explain things “if you shut up and listen you might learn something “ to all us kids. So I did a lot of listening maybe a little too much.
Works both ways. Many parents would do well to actually listen to their kids. Sometime they have very important messages that are easily missed.
Thank you, Jordan. You’re literally like the dad none of us got to have.
You'll often find at that point it is not someone you want to talk to any more in your future life...
Everyone will always tell on themselves. Its fun to watch.
I went to counseling once as an adult . My counselor talked so much about herself , 30 min in our first and only visit. I had to cut her off and tell her . I think she needed counseling and got up and walked out .
I’ve worked in mental health for many years and there were therapists that had that “style” of sharing their experiences to “help” others. But I think it’s BS. I think they just needed friends and didn’t have them in their own life or something. But others must have been okay with it, because one in particular who was like that, always had a full schedule plus those on a waitlist to be called if someone cancelled. It definitely wouldn’t be my choice for “style”.
😂😂😂
did you have sex with them?or whatever.you sound frustrated.are you feeling alright?
@@tiamarie2538I've found that the fit between therapist and client is highly individual.
Within group therapy settings, patients sharing experiences is an important part of the process.
I've also known some people that respond especially well to their therapists sharing experiences and showing vulnerability.
Tbh, I think the fit between therapist and client needs to be especially great for that to work. With group settings, there's a much higher chance that I can identify with somebody's experiences and find their thoughts on the matter helpful.
I did the same to my counselor I went to discuss the death of my sister. The counselor talked about himself the first time. The second time he talked on the phone with his accountant. I walked out. His secretary told me how much I owed him. I said I'm not paying so ask him why.
I did exactly that with my narcissist husband a few years ago, and Dr. Peterson is so right! Wow! I am no longe an emotional wreck. He’s still a narcissist but I am ok now.
I’m proud of you!
Women call all their exes narcissist. I Wonder why.
You do know we all are narcissists right? Some of us just have higher levels of it. But we all still have narcissistic traits regardless. It’s ingrained in the human mind. So YOU are just as much one as he is. We all are.
@@Kal-El207false.
@@yusufraage8554 She referred to him as "husband"; not "ex". Unless I'm gravely mistaken, I took that to mean they're still married?
He loves the sound of his own voice. Saying not much of anything here beyond common sense, but delivers it with great drama, as if it’s grand revelation.
Making friends in this day and age is so hard, nobody talks to you anymore, everyone is on their phones, and nobody knows how to listen
In my experience lately, people only seem happy when they are talking about themselves and their own feelings. People should really take a moment, consider others more, and what they think and feel.
It seems worse than ever rn
Its everyone lol
Yes, and you can use that as a tool to obtain Power over them
A very wise older Jewish woman gave me valuable advice about dating women. “ Let her talk, just listen. You’ll then learn and then decide “. This was 30 years ago . Fortunate to meet her.
You married the older Jewish woman
I should have. She also told me how to make a really nice chicken soup 😊
@@veshaw.😂😂
I think gypsy women are pretty hott
It's been my experience that most people never get tired of talking about themselves when you give them the floor.
As my own personal experiment, I open up a conversation with COMPLETE STRANGERS and I am amazed at how much people say to me....and when it's my turn to speek, .... they've used up all the time and have to run.😆
Yes, you can gleen A LOT from people when all you do is listen to them. People express themselves in SO MANY WAYS that they are COMPLETELY UNAWARE of.
As someone with ADHD, and who has kids with it- I know that hyper-focusing is real. I can tell when my concentration is gone and ask people to make sure I am aware they are speaking to me before giving me important information. I literally do not hear them until the hyper- focus is interrupted. I am not trying to be rude.
Whoa this was so relatable. Thank you.
Discount to make or break a marriage/relationship. You can only spend so long trying to have someone understand you. I am in identical twin, so it’s a little bit off the reality spectrum
So true
I hate when your brain just refuses to comprehend what they said. I end up asking multiple times and just saying I can't hear 😭
Never had it stated quite like this. I will start to verbalize to others to please have my attention before you start telling me something important. And I need to make sure the person I'm talking to is giving me theirs as well.
Thank you
Me and my wife just be sitting there staring at each other now. Lol
I hope you haven't lost the staring contest yet?
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Lol😂
So cute tho
Never blink. Antihistamine eye drops lube your eye unlike saline 🤫 team no blink
I wish I got this advice when I was young, it wouldve stopped me from wasting a lot of time with people I thought were friends
I do this all the time. I have burned so many bridges because true colors always show in the heat of a rant
The power of silence makes people crack.
This was one of the most valuable lessons l applied to a situation with someone who turned out to have a severe personality disorder. They revealed it, literally.
What happened?
@@joeysmith3475 l left.
Yeah, what happened?
@@user-xe4rt3dd6t l left.
I left!
Sometimes people are totally on a different page. And you just havn't connected to the person without thinking of their feelings or state of mind.
Easiest way to spot narcissists. Once you've met one, it gets easier to identify others.
Yes. People will often accuse you of the behavior they are doing. That’s why I often study people when they speak and befriend the real ones.
I have severe adhd. My mind wanders. When I realize I’m not listening, I apologize and say, “I’m sorry, I’m not listening. My mind wandered away. You’re important to me and I want to know what you just said, would you please repeat it? I’ll do my best to listen.”
My ex husband would be FURIOUS, my boyfriend laughs and repeats himself.
My son struggles with this too. It’s ok because it is who you are. Those that matter will get it. Those that don’t won’t matter. The fact that you are trying to listen is a big part of growing. I’m glad you found someone who loves you just as you are. We ALL have issues. Some are just harder than others.
I find that just being honest is the best.
It’s a struggle others usually don’t understand, and so personally frustrating. .
You words are wiser than this clip hat everyone is paying attention to.
This is a wonderful thing to do.
People tell us exactly who they are within a few moments of meeting them it's up to us to believe what we are observing but humans are good at doubting what they instinctively feel
This guy is so right about every detail he expresses, always listen to him instead of thinking what it is you want to say!
So true! I have someone in my life that claims we're "family" and they love and care for me. But, ANYTIME i speak to them about anything they start speaking yo someone else or walk off. It's always under the guise of "busy work" but i am over it. Last few interactions I've just remained silent and the last time i actually tried to speak and they pulled this i just shut up and said "I'm done". There is no excuse for this repeated rude behavior.
I did this. Then those same people start asking “why don’t you talk much anymore? I haven’t heard from you?”
People won’t listen to you. But they also refuse to let you walk away when they’re not listening. It’s frustrating.
When you listen, you fulfill one of more of their needs, whatever that may be. When you stop, they want you back since they can't get their needs met anymore. And unless they were paying attention, they don't care about your needs.
Yes they just want to know if you and them are cool and they don’t need to worry about you being a threat to them not because they care about you bc they don’t really they just want to make sure you guys are cool. I just let others start the conversation and try not to talk about myself much bc nobody really cares except maybe your immediate family or friends
It's always been immediately revealed when you watch and listen
I agree. I have spent many years not knowing this lesson. But, thankfully I am aware now. Open eyes and knowing what you are dealing with is so important. Do not fool yourself
Not really what he’s talking about but:
My department of three were doing a physical walk about to discuss priorities, and I pointed out a new one. Glanced at boss, repeated the statement. His back was turned and he was off observing different non critical things. He finally wandered back over, looked at what I was looking and, and suggested what I’d already done twice.
What I observed was an adhd man who’s father had fallen ill and he was mentally elsewhere. So I just mmm hmmm, that’s a great idea.
Thankfully our intermediary guy was there to observe and listen to keep everything in scope.
Human factor is a thing.
Stopping to observe and listen is a great tool no matter the circumstance. Foe or friend.
The thing is they will tell you what they are by what they claim not to be. In the beginning of the relationship and completely unprompted, my ex said things like "im not a cheater" and " i dont cheat". He also brought up a conversation he had with a guy he just met who said "i have a gf but if another girl wants to have sex ..". My ex feigned like hes nothing like that guy. I eventually found out he cheated on me and every other girlfriend he had ever had. These people are sick in the head
A basic element of my grey rock technique for dealing with narcisists is looking for every opportunity of shutting up. You don't wanna risk arousing their interest, every opportunity to let them drift back in their self-centredness is an opportunity to discourage the abuse.
Had a friend a long time ago. She would always have to be speaking and be the center of attention. Always drama. And most importantly always talking shit about everyone. You realize at some point they are not listening to you. They are using you. And they talk shit about you when you aren’t there like they do everyone else. Especially true when you provide them with something they don’t have as well.
A good way to determine if I'm listening to you or not is actually to stop talking, because if I'm looking off in some other direction and then you stop talking, I'm going to instantly look at you. Sometimes because I'm autistic I don't make eye contact, but I'll always make eye contact after someone stops talking. I'll either ask you to continue or I'll respond.
Same. Just because I'm not looking at the person or mumbling/muttering/singing to myself doesn't mean I'm not listening. I'm just listening while stimming or observing things around me.
same
I do the same, I just never realized it. Thanks for sharing!
As a Navajo, we don't do eye contact. It's considered disrespectful and like you have a problem.
I am super uncomfortable with eye contact and id rather look down so I can understand better and focus on the words being said, rather than looking at you and freaking out internally.
@mb22256 I'm the same way. I will intermittently make eye contact for a few seconds and go back to looking at other things observing our conversation while putting myself in said scenarios they are depicting. I do feel like prolonged eye contact can be rude, or present a challenge or interrogation. It can feel threatening or like I'm being sized up and evaluating almost as if they don't believe what I'm saying, paying intense focus on my body's movements as well as my eyes rather than empatheticall6 putting themselves in my said scenarios. I guess it just depends on what I'm talking about. What's funny is if I'm lying I tend to make more eye contact and I seem more believable, while telling the truth I feel like noone believes me or are ready to falsely accuse me. Now I try to be as truthful as I can because I clearly have mental issues so the only way for things to improve and gain trust without feeling guilt is to just alwayse be truthful..
This is best advice I’ve gotten all year. And maybe ever. People aren’t listening to each other these days.
Watched this so many times until this situation progressed. At the end it goes "THEN the communication will start to flow again"
Facts!!! I don't hear what you say. I hear what you mean.
Honestly, most people are oblivious to their lack of self-awareness and don't really listen. Even in casual conversations I feel like when I'm talking it goes in one ear and out the other. There's no engaged back and forth. People only hear what you can do for them. They're able to pick up on that right away and they become entitled and demanding. I'm so tired of meeting people like this. Why is it so hard to meet people who possess the bare minimum? Basic manners, moderately self-aware and considerate, can hold a conversation. Trying to socialize and make friends as an adult feels like I'm on one big dating app where you keep being shown the same people over and over again☠
This makes so much sense. I never knew how to put it in words, but from a young age, I noticed my entire family didn’t listen when I spoke, or even when any of them spoke to each other. Eventually, everyone thought I was just shy, but I was just observant and didn’t want to waste my breath.
To this day, when someone is speaking to them, their mouths hang open, just waiting for their turn to speak, but not actually listening to what’s being said. What an unfortunate thing. Glad I’m not the only one that has experienced this.
As a psychology he is spot on in noting | you’re understanding is insufficient, and you’re not talking to who you think you are.
Did that with my cousin that I considered as my childhood best friend and realized we were on completely different terms of what we considered a friendship. To me it turned out to be super toxic and she didn’t care at all, it seems that she never had real love towards me I was merely a family obligation.
Happend to me at work. It's happening to me now in my marriage. As a man, I am relearning to shut up, watch, and listen.
Same
@@omshomestead Well I don't think what Peterson says is the answer for your situation. He probably refers to situations where you debate someone and they refuse to listen to your points. But when it comes to family members, friends and husband in your case, it's an issue you should tackle directly, meaning, confront him and talk openly. It's an issue of respect as I see it, because it's selfish to only want to talk about yourself, especially in a marrige. Now you might use this technique of being quiet and listening for gaining clarity in terms of what the actual problem is, meaning, in order to learn what exactly is the problem and what exactly bothers you with him, and when you've observed the situation long enough you are then able to confront him with strong arguments and logic.
@@gagi6294suberb advice!
This means that he pays attention regardless of his outward response.
How do you respond when he talks about what he likes? If you getting excited about what he likes to talk about when he brings it up doesn't draw his attention in to your likes. Then you're in treacherous water.
@omshomestead
You need to confront him about this. Sit down with him to specificly talk about this matter. @@omshomestead
I've done that since I was a child. Observation can tell you many things about the difference in whether someone's words are aligned with their actions.