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It's the most important I have ever heard.

Thanks for this Piers, I found it very helpful. The subject of shaming I find particularly pertinent. I have also feared public humiliation to an obsessive degree. I think my parental upbringing also didn't help. When I remember boarding school there were a lot of mixed up people. For sure boarding school messes you up, but I have a feeling that pretty much everyone there was messed up before they arrived. I think that is because it is a particular type of parent that is likely to send their children to such places - and then not listen to them when they are there.

I was hypnotized to stop binge eating and he taught me tapping and i did the tapping 3 times a day for two weeks but had to change how i said it to myself i felt worse talking about accepting myself totally and completely so I changed to saying that those feelings i am having will not work for me and they are not ok here with me.

Shame and the fear of public humiliation has kept it all locked down for decades! The way in is the mind. The way through is feeling and connecting the body. I need to keep this one close and on repeat! Great episode Piers! Thank you.

Thank you so much. I never went to boarding school but I’ve grown up in circumstances that mimic the same traumas that occur with being sent to boarding school. I’m always open to any content because so often the experiences overlap. I was always a people pleaser. You mentioned being your authentic self drawing people in or pushing them away. I am trying to be okay with this. When I witness the pushing away I start to panic and think something is wrong with me or that I did something wrong. Lately I have been sitting with those feelings and not going back to wearing a mask.

I think a clear case of a lack of emotional intelligence in a leader was Rishi Sunak deciding to leave the D-Day anniversary events early. His heart did not or was not allowed to tell the rest of him that he needed very much to be there. And to be in solidarity with Europe, The USA and many other places in the world. That it was one of the very most important dates of modern history that was being emphasized with the important victory but also the huge amount of blood and suffering. He made a very cold and intellectual calculation that for himself the best use of the time was to leave early in order to work out how to still cling to power after the election. I think the whole business with National Service was not an empathetic decision based on what was best for young people. It is important to realise that mandatory volunteering makes no logical sense at all. I think he was coldly calculating that he needed to keep the tory far right both in parliament and out of it happy. Sunak thought they would approve of giving the "idle" "disrespectful" and "snowflake" young something proper and decent to do instead of causing trouble. In short he was pandering to a Tory stereotype and also negatively and misleadingly stereotyping young people. It really had nothing to do with helping the country. It would have been far better to have an information campaign so that those young people who do wish to volunteer, and there are many of them, could know how to do it. They hopefully would then tell their friends what a good experience they were having.

Hey, that was a lot longer than 90 seconds

This video makes me glad to be born to a working class family, i know abuse goes on in all walks of life but i think i could always have told my parents if it was happening to me, thank god it never did happen

wow. "as a mother would a child" - I was hit with grief - that's what's under there. what a better way to take care of this than "tricks" or God forbid - pills.

This rings so true for me. The trick seems to be noticing this what is happening.

Great as a Londoner who sometimes feels hemmed in by all the buildings and traffic and noise to see you in the outside Piers. Deeply refreshing. Especially that really noisy bird near the end of your video. There is a particular quote by Samuel Beckett that I find inspiring and I have made a mini poster of in my study. "No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better" - Beckett knew this was what a lot of life was about whether one is struggling as he was to be a good writer or someone is struggling to be a good parent or struggling to be a good teacher. The list goes on. It is worth remembering that Beckett was in his fourties when he broke through and got widespread attention for "Waiting for Godot". By 1969 he had won the Nobel Prize for Literature. He though, wise and modest man that he was, would have said all he was learning to do was to fail better.

very useful thanks

Reconnecting to my authentic self after decades of being a people pleaser even before my BS days feels like trying to chip off cement with a butter knife. The freeze and fawn responses moulded my personality into being a shy, socially awkward teenager, hence maybe a crushed survivor. No doubt, stepping out and observing, instead of playing the victim card and blame game, is vitally important, whilst reprogramming with positive affirmations and creative activities in order to release, transmute these painful memories and inauthenticity.

Love and respect from one boarder to another. God bless!

Wow, beautiful modelling of heartfelt openness, sharing, caring and wisdom 🙏

Hearing this makes me sick to the stomach and really angry, knowing there are people out there who can do this to vulnerable children. I want to say to Earl Spencer, I’m sorry you went through all of this, and I’m thankful for you speaking out and highlighting this. It must be very difficult for you. You’re really brave. I pray you your peers and friends are able to heal from this 🙏🏼❤️

You are doing great work mate, God bless!

Thank you for this conversation, I'm finding these podcasts so healing with you Piers, your wife and guests modelling such wisdom and healing from experience. Its waking something up in me. As mentioned here, the most helpful is just hearing people's vulnerable stories - in tears most of this podcast. On prisons and punishment - In ancient wise culture, not sure which, if someone committed a crime they were seen as being ill and compassionately taken away to a healing place, rather than a punishing place, in nature, and constructed of nature, e.g. with beautiful caves of amethyst or quartz crystal to help release the trauma and re-calibrate the energetic field to harmony once more. The person would be held there until they were willing to heal, and then the re-calibration would begin. I can't remember exactly where I came across this, perhaps a book on the Golden Age of Atlantis, but its an innate memory or knowing in me also. Yes we've been living in dark ages and it'll take time, but you guys are already helping pave the way to a healthy happy society once more. As the feminine, we feel the support of you guys doing this so much; we need each other now, the purified masculine and feminine. From both of your conversation I'm also wondering now what healing group circles might be around me, and also what lived experience I have ready to offer others; I will reflect on this, thank you so much.

Just horrified by this ladys experience, and so inspired by her recovery. We absolutely can reverse those stats with healing; I've noticed physical aging hasn't been linear, reflecting more my state of mind at the time 🙏

Thank you Piers, what really helped me here was choosing to be around kind, deep, reliable people. My environment growing up was quite harsh, and your talk helped me recognise I can have a hidden acceptance of that being normal. It's okay to have gentle, solid relationships now 🙏

Wow, what an amazing conversation. Keith shares his personal story with humility and power. There are so many valuable words of wisdom that are like nuggets of gold for anyone who cares to listen attentively, and seeks to apply those truths and strategies in our own lives.

Thank you so much, Piers for your reflections. Please kindly share your reflections on The Crushed type of Boarders, their symptoms etc. Many blessings, SR.

‘Sullen, passive aggressive”. Yes! I have half-smile face - not enough of a smile to intone I am having a good time, but not sullen enough to cause concern. The in the middle. Flat affect found in EVERY photo of me from age 13 to the present! I always discover something new and wish to share myself after your videos. Thank you for helping us to unmask and re-attach with the real us. ❤ I am questing for belonging!

Thank you Piers. As you say, these were dangerous environments before the Children Act of 1989. Either other boarders liked you or they might be threatening to kill you. Were those threats empty? Possibly, but they seemed very real to me at the time. I also oppose early boarding. 13 should be the absolute minimum age, in my opinion. You can make a strong case for 16 as the minimum age though.

Thank you so much for another brilliant talk, Piers. What you say is very true and it reminds me of that song that Bryan Ferry covered "I am in with the in crowd. I go where the in crowd goes. I am in with the in crowd. I know what the in crowd knows" Of course "in crowds" are a feature of broader society but they are often more present in boarding schools because there quite literally is no escape from such places. I also remember a song by Orchestral Manoevers in the Dark about young men and gang culture (From the album Sugar Tax) "I grew up in a big town. The lessons were not hard to learn. If you want them to love you. You must not love them in return" It isn't that men are too cool and adult and sophisticated to show each other how much they love one another. It is that they are often simply too scared - so much so that affection can take the cloaked form of mock violence and profoundly insulting each other. And in boarding school with this there is always the nightmare scenario of being accused of being gay and having rumours spread about you. The idea that men can profoundly love each other without ever wanting to leap under the duvet together is banned to another galaxy. It shows that love and relationships can be involved and complex and take all sorts of forms and complex ideas can be frightening if you are determined to live in a psychologically primitive way. But great great news about the film Piers. I cannot wait to see it and tell my friends about it.

I had a friend who was an ex boarder who was a pain to go to the cinema with. She would criticise people walking in during the adverts and trailers, and I would say they were there to stagger the numbers walking in and to entertain those who arrived at the start of the programme. When you see a film without adverts and trailers, everyone is queueing up outside the salon, and they are all let in at the same time and see only a blank screen until the film starts. Then, she would criticise people for walking out at the end of the film when the credits were rolling. I was also expected to be silent while the credits were rolling as well as staying seated. A lot of people want to start talking as soon as the film is over to discuss the film and bring them back to reality. Once she made me buy a hot dog or ice cream to eat frim the refreshments counter as that was how the cinemas stayed afloat. I wasnt hungry at all. Most people eat deforestation or they sneak in snacks bought from shops. So I found ways of getting revenge. She would get squeamish over blood and violence on the screen and would cover her eyes so I would describe to her what she refused to see after the film was over.

Institutional bullying, in the form of teachers, but even more so, prefects and the tyranny of older age groups, was one of the most damaging aspects of boarding school. Prefects would often use their powers to punish boys they didn’t like, and enjoyed having control over other vulnerable kids. It was impossible to ignore or escape because you didn’t get a moment away from your peers for weeks on end.

This boarding school attitude trickles down to state schools because many of the people in Government (both Westminster and Whitehall) making decisions about how state schools are run are ex boarders. It also perpetuates the mainstream media.

lots of love and strength to all of the abuse survivors

Well done this man for outing the abuse, very very brave. It is so widespread we have all got to stop the abusers.lots of love for Charles Spencer and anyone who's been abused.

Thank you both, so illuminating

I do find it odd that someone who hasnt been to boarding school.. having an opinion. All valid points, of course and training makes people qualified and im being a hypocrite but from having been to boarding school. Im struggling to see how she knows what its actually like..i value the opinion but struggling with the emotionl aspect. Xx

I absolutely love the " it doesnt matter why im alcoholic.. it matters that i don't drink today.

Thank you for highlighting this very important subject. This is my dads poem about his experiences at boarding school: Outrage He came like a fox in the dead of night, That man of God, ambassador of light, Tearing me from the fluttering fantasy Of childhood slumber with his foul, fumbling Fingers and his fetid breath; the torch beam Razing sleep’s sanctuary beyond repair, My defences mere castles in the air. Pinioned and paralysed with shock and fear, Overwhelmed by the weight of God’s great book, Complicit by just being there, I let Him take my soul away without restraint Or retribution, without a single word Of protestation, a pathetic pawn In his game of abject violation. For when he had told the twisted tale Of the Millar and the mill wheel grinding, He simply cracked the egg of innocence and left My coop of broken dreams and desecration. By Robert Esau www.progressiveeducation.org/outrage-memories-of-boarding-school/

With the little girl singing on koyal bird, that time indian saw putting birds in cage because of their singing, Ram denied promotion on 75 candidates (yrs) only 3 (western) country...

I was once in a tribute band to FREE and the singer&drummer were both public school and both told of running away.... and i remember another drummer from years ago, i worked with, ran away, i think from Highgate public school.... they said no more

My hyper vigilance is listening for the undertones of what is being said, listening and reacting to any or all criticisms, or perceived criticism, how people are behaving, how close or far apart they are, where the alliances are in room, matching the general vibe or energy of a situation- it is an all pervasive hyper vigilance. How else does a kid who is shut down, surrounded by kids who are shut down, make any sense of what is happening around them without any adult support? A well honed skill for a therapist to have Piers! Thank you so much for telling us your story and putting it into this larger context. Dread, fear and terror are at that most intense moment of abandonment, when the parents walked off or drove away, and in our beds at night wondering, waiting, not knowing what to expect or what will happen next. That is all caught up in the cells of our bodies, locked up in the freeze, and in the intensity of the fight when we let that overcome us. Keep breathing, keep healing everyone! ❤

I think that one of the most useful things they could teach young people at schools is fear management. It is all right to feel fear. It does not mean you are a wimp. But it needs to be managed and released cathartically - in that way it is like anger. If it is not managed effectively then either it will turn into aggression - either things like name calling or really snarky and innuendo ridden language or spreading rumors (I think many people are in denial of what a powerful and poisonous form of bullying this is) or it could even result in violence - perhaps sexual violence. Rape I think is more often a highly pathetic macho dominance act of a deeply frightened man or boy than it is about lust. Or else I think the fear gets internalised in the form of depression and truama. One of the conclusions of the fear ridden child or adult is that if they are not experiencing fear and anxiety then there really must be something very big to fear indeed (Hence the Mr Man character Mr Worry who is told to make a list of what worries him by a magician and to do something about each one. In the end the list is all crossed off but Mr Worry is worried that he has nothing to be worried about) I think if young people at school could be taught to name their fears to themselves then that in itself would go a long way towards stopping the highly destructive aggression and depression and truama that can result from fear. For instanced someone could say to themselves "I am noticing that I am having feelings of fear about child X because his skin is a different colour from mine and I think he does better in class than me without having to try as hard as I do" Christening a fear with a name is a tremendously powerful thing to do. The first step to exorcising a psychological demon is to name it. But we need to be honest that we feel the fear in the first place.

You're a God-send, mate. Your compassion and love are palpable. It's incredible to see someone overcome the mistrust and betrayal of early life in order to thrive, and to lead others away from darkness.

Really relatable Piers. I'm still working out the links between my five years at boarding school and my mental health, and I can always rely on your videos to highlight some connections.

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Thank you Piers, I'll add that tool of looking left and right to my kit for when I'm scared 🙏 . I've also found the technique of fully feeling the fear bubble helpful - I'll focus in on the most painful sensation of it wherever I find it in my body - usually my guts - let it go as big as it needs, and then like a bubble it just bursts and goes. The trick for me is catching it and being brave enough to feel it each time 😅 Its a self compassion process. Best wishes

Only just started to look into this and oh boy the tears are flowing right now. I went to boarding school at 12/13 until 17. Always felt something was "wrong". I had time in hospital with physiological illness and have suffered depression. Now diagnosed with fibromyalgia but I think it all stems from school days.

Explains partly why some people become psychopaths, like Blair for example

I applaud Charles Spencer for his truthfulness and writing this book,I come from the total opposite background,and there’s plenty of abuse there as well, but I agree with him that to send a 7 year old child away is not good , I find it horrendous, I only hope people will read this and reconsider.

9:55 - Why on earth are you implying that Jimmy Savile has been proven guilty?

Really helpful interview, many thanks. I went to boarding school aged 8 and, now 39, have spent the last 15 years trying to heal the emotional trauma and find a place of inner calm. Pleasing to hear Charles and Piers speak so eloquently about it.

Hearing this wonderful guy speak something occurs to me which is - what have been the effects that so many doctors (including psychiatrists of course) have been to boarding school - bearing in mind that boarding school very often heavily encourages people to bury their emotional intelligence and empathetic listening skills in order to survive. I just wonder how different psychiatry would be as a profession if none of the psychiatrists had been to boarding school and if all along half of psychiatrists had been women - as well as there being a healthy representation of people of colour. Medicine is crucial for psychiatry and I firmly believe as a lay person that sometimes psychiatric medication is absolutely essential (though never the whole answer). However listening is also vital and for doctors to be given enough time so they can listen. Although psychiatrists are not therapists or counsellors (those being other highly important professions) at the same time it is vital for psychiatrists to have advanced counselling skills if they are really going to help patients. How many really have them? I was once suffering from suicidal depression and was told by a psychiatric locum (my regular doctor was on holiday) that "other people have problems too" . This happened in the Priory hospital which is meant to be one of the best psychiatric places in England. It was disgusting that this happened to me and I don't believe the doctor in question even read my notes. Can you ever imagine a cancer patient being told this? I was at the time too young and passive and catatonically depressed to blow the whistle. If anyone else has this sort of experience please please do not ever put up with it. We deserve better.

Thank you Brother and all you do❤️

NHS let my mother committe suicide in mental health ward. She was blackmailed by her doctor to go on as volunteer or be sectioned. One week later they let her out for the weekend and she went back in with drugs and killed herself. I got a phone call Sunday morning 8 am saying your mother is dead. No sorry in 50 years. I have been to the coroner, police and the hospital and none wanted to know I have a major authority problem to the point i will get my own back before i die.