Has your childhood affected your adult life? Let us know in the comments or we have a discussion going on right now our app available free here: goo.gl/4npVrq
I recently had a hypothesis that perhaps children who grow up and try to about certain traits of their parents are actually taking on traits of their parents that the parents wish they otherwise could or would have done, still leading us to be "just like our parents". I came to this thought while pondering ways in which childhood affects us in it adult lives. E.g. how my mother was always dependent upon others and how seeing the struggles of that making me push myself towards full independence & also fearing or being wary of depending upon others... Which is precisely what my mom wishes she could have done. Or, how my father - due to his father's dismissal of his talents - never pursued his artistic or other creative abilities... Yet I have as if the only thing getting in my way is myself. In short, yes, our childhoods have a significant impact on our thoughts and behaviors as we age. Although they can be changed, it is only with unprovoked proof of which, that we can make a choice to further explain what we once believed to be otherwise.
It definitely has and in one way coming to terms with that has been kind of sad because I sometimes feel it's as though it's blaming my parents/childhood for who I am now but I am able to empathize with my parents for how their upbringing and personalities led them to behave in that manner and I accept that while my childhood may have had contributing factors that helped me become the person I am today, it is in my hands now on who I can become tomorrow. Especially with the inclusion of a therapist I very much value for his willingness to listen and offer things that I may be biased to try to ignore.
I’m 26 years old and 2 years out of college but haven’t been able to hold down a steady job nor start my career because I just can’t “click” with others. I have my suspicions that I’m on the spectrum, as I’ve always had difficulty connecting with others since childhood. Without going into a long sob story, basically my grandma that my parents took care of until she died had a huge impact in the dynamics and environment of my immediate family for the worse. As a result, the rather hostile home environment seems to have had an impact on my emotional and psychological well being. My parents are loving parents, but I just really wish that they’d been more aware of my condition rather than me ‘just being a shy kid like my dad’...
For friends who had a horrifying childhood, here is an idea that could be helpful: Some time ago, a very beloved friend of mine told me that he had this " autoimmune disease". It means that your own immune system attacks your body's healthy cells and tissues. It is like a war going on inside you. I forgot its name, but he said it has no cure. I felt so sad for him. But he also told me that it isn't that bad indeed. And he explained it this way: Because he has this illness, he knows that he has to take care himself very well. He exercises regularly, he eats only healthy stuff, he doesn't smoke, he avoids too much stress, he sleeps enough, he drinks moderately. He says if he didn't have the illness he would live very differently. But now he is forced to follow the right path, in order to have everything under control. It sounds paradoxical, but with that incurable illness, he probably has a more healthier life style now , than he would have had, if he was born completely healthy. I think having had a horrible childhood is also like having an " autoimmune disease". There is no cure. You'll always have that " destructive force" inside you, working "against" your best interests: You probably will choose the wrong partners, because they make you feel " at home", you will have low self esteem no matter what you achieve, you will feel guilty for things for which you have no responsibility at all, you will generally not be able to trust anybody. There is no ultimate cure, but one can deal with these symptoms. Because knowing about this condition, just like my friend with his disease, can be a force to keep you always on the right path: surrounding yourself with beauty and wisdom all the time. With literature, with music, with art, with nature, with curious and kind people. You will CONSTANTLY need consolation. But if you always look for it in the right places, everything you do that helps you, will also be helpful to everyone else around you. Since there is no greater joy than sharing. Friends from Greece, do you remember these verses by Ritsos? Άλλη χαρά δεν είναι πιο μεγάλη απ’ τη χαρά που δίνεις. Να το θυμάσαι, κοριτσάκι. And here is another poem I love. It helps you to forgive those who tortured you in the past: "They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself." Philip Larkin
Dear Lua, As always, we love what you have to teach us. We especially love these lines: "There is no ultimate cure, but one can deal with these symptoms. Because knowing about this condition, just like my friend with his disease, can be a force to keep you always on the right path: surrounding yourself with beauty and wisdom all the time. With literature, with music, with art, with nature, with curious and kind people. You will CONSTANTLY need consolation." Thank you for this piece of wisdom and beauty., with love from TSOL.
good post! .. I look all the time for meaning - and have also had to take control of a chronic condition - it did change my decision making and lifestyle, deepening my compassion for others too. everyone suffers, and understanding that and dealing with life with compassion seems to me to be the most likely way of developing a life worth living. . At 57 I deal everyday with feelings of guilt and shame at not loving my parents more - but I have raised two wonderful human beings who give me hope. I was anxious at not being able to parent well - but seeing two adult sons thrive tells me a story that it its possible to grow beyond ones own humiliation.
+The School of Life Thank you so much! As always and for everything. The most complete, valuable and profound source of consolation I have ever found on this planet is our Alain's Gesamtwerk. I am an obsessively grateful person and I never take generosity for granted, so I send him my good wishes everyday :- ) Viele liebe Grüße und Küsse an euch alle!
Dear Anne, I was very moved by your message. Thank you so much for taking the time to write and for sharing your valuable story. You are absultely right in everything you say and especially your last sentence got to me. You must be a very wise and compassionate person. I love the " On Being Wih Krista Tippett" podcast and once she said something I never forgot: " We are made by what would break us". By the way, I don't mean to intrude, but may be there is no need for you to feel guilty for not loving your parents more. We can forgive a lot but we don't forget. I am extremely kind towards my mother and I would do everything I can in order to help if she needs me, but my attitude comes from a need and commitment to be an ethical person. Loving someone deeply is something else... In any case, I wish you all the best!
Worst is when in childhood a child shows reaction to parents actions and get shut up quickly. Parents cross the line when they try to set limits or ban feelings and emotions simply because they don't know how to deal with it and refuse to take responsibility for it. My parents have even tried to tell me that the actions they did weren't meant to hurt me, the thing is it left me feeling the way I did and you can't change that no matter how you look at it. Parents fear change and the unknown so they want things to go their way. So it becomes natural for them to get frustrated at the smallest changes and not notice it being wrong.
Omg I can relate everything you just said man. I’m starting therapy soon and I hope you the best with what your going thru. Seek for help and try therapy as well and see how it can help you with your past childhood
What? Limits on expressing emotions are important for overall good self-adjustment. Screaming, yelling, tantrums, biting, etc are not acceptable. Please stop it. You can't just do what you want in society.
The Rookie I still feel like we should take responsibillity of our lives. If we know our faults, we should correct them, not blame them on our experiences. If you want to change your life now, then you have to change the way you live now.
They weren't really the "reason". Basically, we're gonna turn out damaged in some way no matter what. That's what the video is saying. You just have to work on (accentuate) the positive aspects of you, and gradually chip away at the bad. It's actually quite a fun process.
I did too and I spent many years in therapy it has saved me! The help and support made me a better parent and improved my childrens lives immensely and stopped the dreadful cycle repeating though i still stuffed up I admitted it, made amends where possible and took steps not to repeat it, i even cared for my awful parents ( not for too long haha) before they died as they were wounded people also..
Humiliation, slapping and name calling; those are My mothers favourites forms of abuse. My bad for internalizing them and allowing them to mold me into a victim. I wish I had looked within her and her past sooner. Thankfully, today I can move past those experiences and grow into the powerhouse I am meant to be. I owe growth and understanding to Spiritual coaching.
Andrea Pelayo same here with my father & siblings even into adulthood... I walked away from all that toxicity in 2015... I wasn't allowed to be a victim; never had that right
Don't feel alone. My childhood sucked really bad, too. My mom was very physically abusive but the slaps and meaness I'm trying to heal from. The emotional damage doesn't ever seem to go away and it throws me right into a depressed mood and bipolar cycling. Kicking people out of my life now, that are leeches and do not wish me well. Golly how I need a trusted friend... A dog, to talk to and to trust. Just don't have the money to buy or to get at the shelter. Kinda hard when you are elderly and live/survive one day to the next.
I always felt the need to seek approval and thus did some stupid, attention seeking things in my teens, whereas my brothers & sister received positive feedback and have grown up more successful than I have. To this day I still feel like the black sheep of the immediate family.
might be good to read some things about family roles its very interesting and you had to rebel if you couldn't compete its hard as a kid to be an individual.
Most people talk about reliving their childhood. I actually love my adulthood because I am aware, knowledgeable, and actually have control over most of what I do or what happens to me....
And that's why people say we should look within as soon as we can. Only introspection can free us from the chains of childhood. If anyone is struggling with primal fears or injuries, try to think what has caused it. You will not find the answer immediately because we might have lost the cue, but a certain amount of incubation and you shall get the answers. :)
Even if you know what causes it, what do you do with it?? When you think you know, you grow stronger yet a narcissist will lift you off your feet hurt you abusing you and discard you and there you are ,left like a child again. In all your pain which never ever goes away cause you can’t change what happened to you!!
I've often thought this, like 70% of peoples personality is down to how they were brought up. This makes me more sympathetic to shitty people because technically it's not their fault
@@Amy623 And not everyone who wants to change comes to discover that they need to explore their childhood to change instead of just trying to change the outcome: their behavior.
I was diagnosed with severe depression and ptsd and I lived a generally good childhood and was never beat or yelled at this video hit the nail on the head
My childhood has definitely affected my adult life. I’m 24 and have been in therapy for the last 9 months. On my own time I spend researching the whys and indulging in nature because my pain has become too apparent to myself. In a stage where I am facing my wounds for what they are and how they got there. I still have a number of good friends but I’m isolated most of the time... it’s how I find myself being able to completely listen to the whispers of my sorrows. This all sounds dark. I realize that... but I’m so grateful to be here. In a painful isolated truthful room. I guess because however low... and scary it may be it’s me. And for the first time I see myself for me and feel so close to me. And no matter what happened she’s still here alive. I’m still here alive. So what happens next... ? I don’t really know. All I really know is what’s happening now and what’s here now. Which is me. Peace and love everyone ❤️
Communal parenting and many other kids around, with free access to outdoors or somewhere to play with other kids. No God complex about your parents, no tiny social sphere, and no unspent energy.
There’s a lot to it, but I think a fundamental aspects is not being hit (I.E. spanking/corporeal punishment) or screamed at by your parents. However, that is just the base, there has to be love, nurturing, giving room to explore emotions and the world, fostering interests, and good education (intellectual and empathetic).
joaquin15 yeah I didn't have that but I still can't understand how something little or big not necessarily a traumatic experience can effects when you still adult like when you're mother shouted on you when you was 4 and know boom you have a trouble at dating loud women I know the example was extreme but it's not far from reality I think I mean why I have to bear the burden of failures of whoever I interacted with when I was a child , it's just not fair It's like not enough to worry about your current and future self , and know I have to worry about my past self (childhood) and how it's effects me subconsciously It's just not fair
Sully Sullivan you should talk to someone about it if you feel like it harms you. You shouldn't have to stay silent. There are trained professionals ready to help those who have been abused.(:
Hello Sully Sullivan. I am so sorry to hear that. But you really should talk to someone about it. There is an episode about this, from an excellent podcast. It is the oldest psychology podcast of the planet. Many shrinks themselves listen to it. Just google for this: "Shrink Rap Radio #594 Breaking The Silence on Childhood Sexual Abuse with Rosenna Bakari PhD" I wish you so well.
You need to seek help. My mother was also abused over a short time span by an older male relative when she young. It affected her whole life and the way she raised us kids. She never opened up about it until she was in her 50’s. Deal with it now so it doesn’t shape your future.
Sully Sullivan I am so sorry to hear this! You are not alone! Please talk to someone about it - preferably, a good therapist. Wishing you all the best.
My primal wound as a child was being used by my parents and grandma as an errand boy to go to the store ALL the time. No one cared that I had to study or was tired.
This is too true for me, damn, I wish parents would listen to lessons like this instead of dismissing it as related to politics they disagree with or new generational weaknesses
I talked to my mom about this today and told her that it's a proven scientific fact. Many doctors and researches manage to prove that childhood trauma does in fact shape your adulthood. She was so offended by it that she tried in all her strength to dismiss this and told multiple times that it's not true. That she is a living proof to disprove it. I mean, at one point whatever she was saying didn't even make sense, she was just blabbering nonsense coz her ego got hurt and she doesn't wanna admit the horrendous things she did to me as a kid even though multiple times during the confrontation I assured her that I don't blame her for her actions (since she could've been acting from trauma as well). She was so determined to prove me wrong she just straight up made a fool of herself. She has been a narcissistic manipulator her whole life and is offended when she's presented with the facts proving it🙃
Those statues representing the parents are from around 7000 years ago, from what we now call the Hamangia Culture, named so after the village in Romania they were dug up in.
Hello Kiran. They have a video called " How to parent yourself". Under that video I have posted a comment, mentioning all the videos by this channel that can help us deal with childhood trauma. If you wish, just take a look at it. Best wishes :- )
What a perceptive, thought-provoking sentence. Thank you. We make our lives tougher than they should be because we insist on thinking of people, ourselves and others as evil and mean rather than as is almost invariably the case, primarily the victims of what we have all in some way gone through: an extremely tricky early history.
This video makes me rethink having children. However, eventually we are responsible for each of our own lives, and you can correct the wrong by lessons learned. I hope to teach this.
I still feel like we should take responsibillity of our lives. If we know our faults, we should correct them, not blame them on our experiences. If you want to change your life now, then you have to change the way you live now.
David Patino - It's ok to determine the cause of something to understand how things came to be the way they are, but we can only change directions from where we are now, not by getting endlessly stuck in the past.
David Patino Having understood the potential that childhood trauma has to negatively impact one's life never removes your responsibility for dealing with the here and now. It explains why negating that influence may be challenging. Remember, simply blaming someone or something never changed anything. Accepting it and striving to move on intellectually and emotionally is the key. This takes self-awareness, persistence and understanding the complexity and nuances involved. This isn't as easy as the proponents of total self-responsibility argue. There are limits to what one can change, especially when one understands that the traumas of childhood can negatively impact seemingly powerful and influential people. They create and work in businesses and organisations that through their cultures that impact other people's lives. For example, the pervasiveness of workplace bullying is a serious problem. Bullies are made, not born. Often, their creation is a process begun in childhood. So, society needs to value emotional intelligence as much, if not more than intellectual achievement. Or, the abusive cycle continues. So, childhood trauma is a societal problem as well as a personal one. If we insist only reductive perspectives, anchoring all our difficulties in personal responsibility, we miss the costs low emotional intelligence make on the quality of people's lives everyday.
Wow. Just truly AWEsome. Always big ideas helpful to all humanity, expressed with a simple-to-understand and elegant text, with creative images, and a tender suave voice. Chapeau bas! Deeply grateful.
My parents had the worst argument 2 days before my 12th birthday. I know by that time I should be a pre-teen (or even a teen) then, still it traumatised me so much when my mum pushed me away as I tried to hug her. The look in her eyes were full of rage and it almost seemed like she hated me, like she blamed everything on me and wanted me to leave forever. It struck me so hard, but she probably doesn't even remember anymore. All she sees are my flaws and traits that could help her look like a great mother to the people outside. I realised I have been subconsciously afraid of her ever since.
Beautifully timed. I wouldn't hesitate to say you guys have an almost godly guide-lining to the timing of your content. When I was younger, in 2006, I had several birds that I cared for, and I was reflecting on this this morning. One day one of my parakeets, which at the time I had six, was poking his head around the bottom of the cage as I was heading out the door with my backpack slung around me. I took one glance at him, and when I came home he was dead on the cage floor. I went and fetched a glove, my lip quivering, and I picked him up. He had broken his neck, and it swung limply around like a flimsy lantern; when I took him to my mother in the living-room I was babbling trying not to cry for fear she might ridicule me for expressing my emotions. Always seemed like that happened at school dating as far back as early elementary, just like the contents of your video demonstrate, so I've noticed now that it's difficult to just be myself as I habitually zone in on others around me even when I'm not directly looking at them. I think about them, what they might be doing, and I shape myself accordingly it seems like, but at the same time I jump all in trying to love people from the start only to feel like I'm being turned away, and then I fall under the impression that I'm opening up too much. Ah, parallels and complexes and things.
Overcoming the social pathogenesis of heritable behavioral, ancestral pain & injuries that plague our life journey can be the most significant event we can overcome. Heal one's lineage collectively brings peace to the past, present & future, we need tools like that of the ancients, their rites & rituals that sooth help us divine, heal & reacquire/maintain connection.
I hate to think that I’m blaming my parents for how messed up I am now as an adult. I come from the most loving family and everyone loved me to death. We’re comfortable financially and I had everything I wanted. But I never felt understood. My emotions were largely neglected most of the time because my parents claimed that “I’m too young to understand real problems in life and loads of other people are struggling to live”. They were too busy working to teach me why I was wrong but went straight into punishment instead. They believed it was the quickest way to teach me a lesson. I was bullied at school and then I started thinking what is wrong with me that no one seems to care about my feelings? I grew up being this love and sex addict who constantly looks for validations from toxic and emotionally abusive relationships, in order to “make things right again”. I don’t believe there’s a cure for my childhood trauma because I tried talking to my parents about it recently and they just said I should be grateful for everything they’ve given me instead of making things out of nothing
I feel like im on the same route and genuinely would like some advice as to how to solve this. I feel like my parents wouldn’t bother to pay for therapy
I think your current behaviors are echoes of the past. The way your parents raised you formed your internal monologue and how you interact with and interpret the world. Some parents are able to look back and realize how consequential their behavior actually was for their children and that can lead to some closure in terms of moving forward. But for many, talking about emotional needs and the effects of childhood trauma and neglect are too complicated for them to understand. I highly recommend finding a good therapist and trying to understand why you have certain insecurities or anxieties. Or if you feel you have bad responses to minor situations it can be an indicator of something larger going on in the subconscious. I honestly think being a parent is the biggest responsibility you can take on. It takes selflessness, empathy, maturity and the understanding that you are raising and forming an entire person. You need to be okay with being “hated” by your child because children have intense and large emotions that they have little control over. Ive found this channel to be incredibly insightful. I think a great show if you havent watched it is Bojack Horseman. It really tackles subjects like depression, childhood trauma, generational trauma, substance abuse and much more in a very intelligent and relatable way. I will say though you should be in a good place mentally before watching because the subject material gets very dark. I really hope the best for you ❤
Being a parent my self, i see the meny flaws i have. And its more easy to relate to my own parents "misstakes". Being a parent is not an easy task. I never blamed my parents, but i do understand more. Thay never created this "crack" inside me by choice. Thay did the best thay could in their situation. I can never be a perfect dad, but im trying to be the person i want my son to be when he grows up.
I struggle to upload once a week and you guys are uploading 2 videos per day lol. I admire the hustle though, you guys never cease to come up with creative videos. Keep it up :)
Now 53yr, and from birth my whole life has been a train wreck. I'm not going to talk about it as its too painful. If things had been different, I would have been different. Now I struggle with long term depression and social anxiety. I was a good mother to my two sons with disorders, who are adults now and both have jobs and happy lives. I gave to them what I never recieved, I was their protector and supported them through every step of their lives. I'm proud of myself for doing that. I became overwhelmed just now over my past and needed to talk and this video showed up. The most important things children need is.....being told they are loved, cuddles and fun, bounderies, support and good communication anytime they need it. Teach them skills to get them through life. Find out their interests and strengths and work with these. Keep them safe and teach them how to keep themselves safe. I felt so sad just now but I can't go back and change the past.
No parents are perfect unfortunately Edit: I know what you guys are saying. And that is why every person in this world has *some* sort of flaw(s) in their character :-) it is normal, and to be expected, because our parents also have problems from their childhood, etc. The cycle goes on.
Beth M I still feel like we should take responsibillity of our lives. If we know our faults, we should correct them, not blame them on our experiences or parents. If you want to change your life now, then you have to change the way you live now.
Once, our parents were traumatized children as well. How is it possible to bring up a child perfectly when they're traumatized as well. In the end , aren't we all traumatized? Sorry for my bad english
After my parents died when I was 16 I always said I had a great and wonderful childhood. But now, 20 years later, I get more and more horrified by the things my parents did or didn't do. Now I realize more and more, that a lot of my problems I had and partly still have derived from their behaviour as parents. It still makes me angry sometimes. But at least some good things come from it. For example thanks to my parents I see smokers as what they are, drug addicts, and have no respect for their "need" of special drug breaks during work or long travels (if you can't stop smoking for even just a couple of hours, you are a drug addict!). My parents smoked EVERY DAY in my room even though I told them again and again that I don't want them to smoke in my room, because it stinks. They didn't care. My parents compliant about not having enough money to reach the end of the month or go on holiday with us kids. The had that money, they just "invested" it in 20 - 40 cigarettes per day (each) so it went up in smoke. I told them every month, they didn't care. They even "borrowed" money from their own children to keep on smoking at the end of the month - of course they NEVER gave it back. Dear reader, if you are a smoker, please don't be offended that a random guy in the youtube comment section calls you a drug addict! Just stop taken that s***! If not for your sake, do it for the sake of your children! Don't be a fool and ruin their lifes (and yours)! Since you obviously don't really need that money that you spend for tobacco products, rather invest it in your childrens education!
Omg! That was so insightful, beautiful and tragic. You Sir, are a genius, and l absolutely love the sound of your voice and the gentle and profound narration
Brilliant. Why doesn't everyone know this? We should be taught this in school. I have spent a good portion of my adult life recovering from childhood wounds, but that is ok because I do not believe that anything worth having in this life is easily gotten. Thank you for this consistently excellent material. : )
This is such important information. It's vital to our well being to look back and examine any mental constructs that were created during a difficult early childhood.
I simply spoke my thoughts of truth, not sorry for honesty. Besides my point is being missed, we survived, it could have been much worse, if you're breathing now you're lucky.
This was truly thought provoking and wonderful, as usual. But it also made me very anxious. It does seem like, no matter what I do, I won’t be able to raise my future kids in a way that spares them of that early trauma. And frankly, that’s the one thing I want most. I don’t want my potential future kids to suffer like I did/do. I want them to be as emotionally mature and healthy as possible...is that truly impossible then? I know I’m still young and probably won’t get kids very soon but it is something I have on my mind a lot. I don’t want to make the mistakes that have been made with me, but I know it’s not possible to not make mistakes...
I once heard that a parents job is not to protect their child from all hardship or trauma. But it is their reaction and how they help their child process said trauma that will impact them more. But I totally feel you. I am very wary of ever having children myself for that exact reason. The fact youre even thinking about it puts you in a much better position than most others ❤
With the toxic, unstable and problematic family that I had I could confirm that your childhood really is a big part of who you will be. It's so messed up that now I'm struggling and am just not normal, it's really sad.
Childhood does affect you in the most damaging ways .We are raised by superficial Arrogant mentally abusive Caregivers who cannot properly communicate or even be responsible for a pet.So its Open season on a little person lööking for help and guidance How to be in this World.....I still surivived.Thank God....
I blamed my failings/shortcomings as an adult on the way my parents were and how they raised me...until I became a parent myself. I realized that my parents did the best they could as parents, for me, as I am trying to do for my children. 😐
Not lately, always. One's formative years may well resonate through one's entire life. I' m 56 and still battle the harmful effects of the way the bucket of excrement of a father I had poisoned my entire life. I defecate on his name, face and grave.
As a parent, this basically tells me that no matter how hard I might try to get it right, I'm going to screw up my kids somehow, if for no other reason than I am a flawed and scarred product of other humans.
I kid you not, I was just writing about what causes me anxiety and the number 1 thing was people in authority becoming furious with me. I didn't know why I felt like I wanted the ground to swallow me instead of facing an angry authority figure. I guessed that my parents (who were loud and demeaning when angry) were the cause. I've been told that it was a silly notion, I was blowing it out of proportion, and that they were just being cranky, I shouldn't have taken it to heart. But I was 5. They were all I saw. I wouldn't know that the world isn't ending because to me they are my world. Why did I think I was doing well? They told me I was. Why did I think I was absolutely rubbish at what I tried? Because they told me I was. Whether or not what they said was true, I would not know. They were my standard of truth and I believed them.
YES!!!!! What a BRILLIANT explanation!! Sharing far and wide... :) THIS is why we change negative childhood memories! Thanks for this FABulous explanation!
There is a program designed especially for adults. No childhood is perfect and as a result many of us struggle in life. The program is ACA. The focus is on understanding why we act and think in ways that are not beneficial for our lives. The program has a solution and that solution is "Becoming your own Loving Parent". When we can truly love ourselves our lives can change, for the better.
"Children are equally helpless before the distinctive theories of the parents they can't understand that an insistence that they not mix with another family from school or that they follow a particular dress code or worry as much as they do about dirt or being late"
The marriage of my parents was pretty much a war zone. It was psychological warfare, it was violence. All my siblings suffered in their own way. But I feel like to me the regressive influence and all the abuse hit most of all. Because unlike my siblings, I was a lonewolf. I didn't develop my social network, I struggled with the idea of being social. My siblings didn't. They had their friends and events. So I became stuck to hear my parents' constant war. I had no escape, not even till I was almost 30. I didn't live with my parents by that time anymore, of course, but I visited them and many a times over the years I was their diplomat and counselor. More than anything I feel shame for myself.
Too true this one, I adopted a solution as a kid to turn off every time one raises a voice, now as an adult, its too risky to revert back. People can't believe that this is a deliberate act
I found out I was adopted when I was 44,I did not have loving supportive parents. But I get told that I should be lucky they brought here in Us. But it still affects my relationships with friends/ certain family members. Holidays ,birthdays etc. really suck because it's a constant reminder of what I don't have, and gets lonely. I don't think I'll ever get over till the day I'm no longer here.
We have to remind ourselves that our parents should not be our gods. They are human beings, just like us- with flaws and imperfections. And be accountable for yourself especially once you’re living independently. Do not use how you or others were raised as a scapegoat for the way they behave as an adult. Be responsible for yourself and work on being your own person.
I feel vulnerable and susceptible to hurt when I watch these videos. I’m almost always left with the wondering, once given these interpretations of my past, how do I move on? These videos can alleviate guilt in a way by assuring us that our lives were shaped by forces outside of our control. But this claim can also feel disempowering, because now, being an adult, we have to carry with us this baggage. I don’t want to blame my parents because I know they tried their best, I simply want to move forward. How does your philosophy help us move forward as it is so rooted in the past?
Great work with the Video. The Problem is that nowadays some parents are still mentally children in an adults body, thus they are Not able to parent their children. Television and Media does the parenting which is a double edged sword. Another Problem is that some familys have hierarchy structures, so if the omega starts to "rise up" in the structure, the "upper ranks" notice and try to prevent that with passive agression, which leads to heavy confusion and guilt on the victim. Its a mental pecking order.
Has your childhood affected your adult life? Let us know in the comments or we have a discussion going on right now our app available free here: goo.gl/4npVrq
The School of Life Please build an app for Android users..
I recently had a hypothesis that perhaps children who grow up and try to about certain traits of their parents are actually taking on traits of their parents that the parents wish they otherwise could or would have done, still leading us to be "just like our parents".
I came to this thought while pondering ways in which childhood affects us in it adult lives. E.g. how my mother was always dependent upon others and how seeing the struggles of that making me push myself towards full independence & also fearing or being wary of depending upon others... Which is precisely what my mom wishes she could have done. Or, how my father - due to his father's dismissal of his talents - never pursued his artistic or other creative abilities... Yet I have as if the only thing getting in my way is myself.
In short, yes, our childhoods have a significant impact on our thoughts and behaviors as we age. Although they can be changed, it is only with unprovoked proof of which, that we can make a choice to further explain what we once believed to be otherwise.
When is the Android app coming?
It definitely has and in one way coming to terms with that has been kind of sad because I sometimes feel it's as though it's blaming my parents/childhood for who I am now but I am able to empathize with my parents for how their upbringing and personalities led them to behave in that manner and I accept that while my childhood may have had contributing factors that helped me become the person I am today, it is in my hands now on who I can become tomorrow. Especially with the inclusion of a therapist I very much value for his willingness to listen and offer things that I may be biased to try to ignore.
I’m 26 years old and 2 years out of college but haven’t been able to hold down a steady job nor start my career because I just can’t “click” with others. I have my suspicions that I’m on the spectrum, as I’ve always had difficulty connecting with others since childhood.
Without going into a long sob story, basically my grandma that my parents took care of until she died had a huge impact in the dynamics and environment of my immediate family for the worse. As a result, the rather hostile home environment seems to have had an impact on my emotional and psychological well being.
My parents are loving parents, but I just really wish that they’d been more aware of my condition rather than me ‘just being a shy kid like my dad’...
For friends who had a horrifying childhood, here is an idea that could be helpful:
Some time ago, a very beloved friend of mine told me that he had this " autoimmune disease". It means that your own immune system attacks your body's healthy cells and tissues. It is like a war going on inside you. I forgot its name, but he said it has no cure. I felt so sad for him. But he also told me that it isn't that bad indeed. And he explained it this way:
Because he has this illness, he knows that he has to take care himself very well. He exercises regularly, he eats only healthy stuff, he doesn't smoke, he avoids too much stress, he sleeps enough, he drinks moderately. He says if he didn't have the illness he would live very differently. But now he is forced to follow the right path, in order to have everything under control. It sounds paradoxical, but with that incurable illness, he probably has a more healthier life style now , than he would have had, if he was born completely healthy.
I think having had a horrible childhood is also like having an " autoimmune disease". There is no cure. You'll always have that " destructive force" inside you, working "against" your best interests: You probably will choose the wrong partners, because they make you feel " at home", you will have low self esteem no matter what you achieve, you will feel guilty for things for which you have no responsibility at all, you will generally not be able to trust anybody.
There is no ultimate cure, but one can deal with these symptoms. Because knowing about this condition, just like my friend with his disease, can be a force to keep you always on the right path: surrounding yourself with beauty and wisdom all the time. With literature, with music, with art, with nature, with curious and kind people. You will CONSTANTLY need consolation. But if you always look for it in the right places, everything you do that helps you, will also be helpful to everyone else around you. Since there is no greater joy than sharing.
Friends from Greece, do you remember these verses by Ritsos?
Άλλη χαρά δεν είναι πιο μεγάλη
απ’ τη χαρά που δίνεις.
Να το θυμάσαι, κοριτσάκι.
And here is another poem I love. It helps you to forgive those who tortured you in the past:
"They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself."
Philip Larkin
Dear Lua, As always, we love what you have to teach us. We especially love these lines: "There is no ultimate cure, but one can deal with these symptoms. Because knowing about this condition, just like my friend with his disease, can be a force to keep you always on the right path: surrounding yourself with beauty and wisdom all the time. With literature, with music, with art, with nature, with curious and kind people. You will CONSTANTLY need consolation." Thank you for this piece of wisdom and beauty., with love from TSOL.
good post! .. I look all the time for meaning - and have also had to take control of a chronic condition - it did change my decision making and lifestyle, deepening my compassion for others too. everyone suffers, and understanding that and dealing with life with compassion seems to me to be the most likely way of developing a life worth living. . At 57 I deal everyday with feelings of guilt and shame at not loving my parents more - but I have raised two wonderful human beings who give me hope. I was anxious at not being able to parent well - but seeing two adult sons thrive tells me a story that it its possible to grow beyond ones own humiliation.
Very insightful comment!
+The School of Life
Thank you so much! As always and for everything. The most complete, valuable and profound source of consolation I have ever found on this planet is our Alain's Gesamtwerk. I am an obsessively grateful person and
I never take generosity for granted, so I send him my good wishes everyday :- ) Viele liebe Grüße und Küsse an euch alle!
Dear Anne, I was very moved by your message. Thank you so much for taking the time to write and for sharing your valuable story. You are absultely right in everything you say and especially your last sentence got to me. You must be a very wise and compassionate person. I love the " On Being Wih Krista Tippett" podcast and once she said something I never forgot:
" We are made by what would break us".
By the way, I don't mean to intrude, but may be there is no need for you to feel guilty for not loving your parents more. We can forgive a lot but we don't forget. I am extremely kind towards my mother and I would do everything I can in order to help if she needs me, but my attitude comes from a need and commitment to be an ethical person. Loving someone deeply is something else...
In any case, I wish you all the best!
Worst is when in childhood a child shows reaction to parents actions and get shut up quickly. Parents cross the line when they try to set limits or ban feelings and emotions simply because they don't know how to deal with it and refuse to take responsibility for it. My parents have even tried to tell me that the actions they did weren't meant to hurt me, the thing is it left me feeling the way I did and you can't change that no matter how you look at it. Parents fear change and the unknown so they want things to go their way. So it becomes natural for them to get frustrated at the smallest changes and not notice it being wrong.
Omg I can relate everything you just said man. I’m starting therapy soon and I hope you the best with what your going thru. Seek for help and try therapy as well and see how it can help you with your past childhood
I relate to this so music
What? Limits on expressing emotions are important for overall good self-adjustment. Screaming, yelling, tantrums, biting, etc are not acceptable. Please stop it. You can't just do what you want in society.
As an adult with major depression, I agree.
Ath Leb. Wish the best for you. You have a dignity as a human being, a creature of the most high, and deserve respect and recognition. 🙋🌞
Would you like a hug?
For 17 years I never considered my parents to be the reason why I am emotionally fragile, until now.
The Rookie
I still feel like we should take responsibillity of our lives. If we know our faults, we should correct them, not blame them on our experiences. If you want to change your life now, then you have to change the way you live now.
They may be the reason, but dont judge them to hard...they most likel y also had parents that made them emotionally fragile. Have a nice day :)
Please talk to a psychotherapist and then get your views straight
They weren't really the "reason". Basically, we're gonna turn out damaged in some way no matter what. That's what the video is saying.
You just have to work on (accentuate) the positive aspects of you, and gradually chip away at the bad. It's actually quite a fun process.
I learnt all this when I was 8 but ok
I had an extremely screwed up childhood, yet I try my best to act sane. I should get therapy soon.
We feel for you - and very much recommend some therapy.
I did too and I spent many years in therapy it has saved me! The help and support made me a better parent and improved my childrens lives immensely and stopped the dreadful cycle repeating though i still stuffed up I admitted it, made amends where possible and took steps not to repeat it, i even cared for my awful parents ( not for too long haha) before they died as they were wounded people also..
Having a good life will be the best revenge you can have !
Childhood is a hostage situation..
Pfsif except you would not survive freedom
So true. I escaped with 18.
CHILD ABUSE IS A CRIME
PARENTS DON'T GET A INSTRUCTION BOOKLET I HEARD???? ESPECIALLY ALCOHOL AND DRUG ADDICTS AND MENTALLY ILL PARENTS
Never had thought it that way, but in some situations, it is indeed a hostage situation!
Humiliation, slapping and name calling; those are My mothers favourites forms of abuse. My bad for internalizing them and allowing them to mold me into a victim. I wish I had looked within her and her past sooner. Thankfully, today I can move past those experiences and grow into the powerhouse I am meant to be. I owe growth and understanding to Spiritual coaching.
Andrea Pelayo same here with my father & siblings even into adulthood... I walked away from all that toxicity in 2015... I wasn't allowed to be a victim; never had that right
Y’all should check out ACOA/ACA. Just look up the 14 traits of an Adult Child. You might find it useful, if not. There’s other useful stuff out there.
How did u managed to overcome it ?
Don't feel alone. My childhood sucked really bad, too. My mom was very physically abusive but the slaps and meaness I'm trying to heal from. The emotional damage doesn't ever seem to go away and it throws me right into a depressed mood and bipolar cycling. Kicking people out of my life now, that are leeches and do not wish me well. Golly how I need a trusted friend... A dog, to talk to and to trust. Just don't have the money to buy or to get at the shelter. Kinda hard when you are elderly and live/survive one day to the next.
I always felt the need to seek approval and thus did some stupid, attention seeking things in my teens, whereas my brothers & sister received positive feedback and have grown up more successful than I have. To this day I still feel like the black sheep of the immediate family.
might be good to read some things about family roles its very interesting and you had to rebel if you couldn't compete its hard as a kid to be an individual.
why... why do you guys always upload at the right damn time?
Because we always need help.
sometimes it is uncanny though... Like you fight with an old friend and SOL uploads the "importance of old friends"
always good to see your comments software man :) love your videos!
Law of attraction
I know, right?
This is so relatable.
Probably because you’re a human that’s past childhood
It isn't that straight forward and requires deep reflective thinking.
"Childhood is an open prison"
Although the video is true, it's sad.....
Most people talk about reliving their childhood. I actually love my adulthood because I am aware, knowledgeable, and actually have control over most of what I do or what happens to me....
And that's why people say we should look within as soon as we can. Only introspection can free us from the chains of childhood.
If anyone is struggling with primal fears or injuries, try to think what has caused it. You will not find the answer immediately because we might have lost the cue, but a certain amount of incubation and you shall get the answers. :)
I love these comments
Even if you know what causes it, what do you do with it?? When you think you know, you grow stronger yet a narcissist will lift you off your feet hurt you abusing you and discard you and there you are ,left like a child again. In all your pain which never ever goes away cause you can’t change what happened to you!!
I've often thought this, like 70% of peoples personality is down to how they were brought up. This makes me more sympathetic to shitty people because technically it's not their fault
It may not be their fault, but it's their responsibility to change, if they so wish.
Roy K. Totally agree
@@royk.9347 Unfortunately not everyone is destined to change.
@@Amy623 And not everyone who wants to change comes to discover that they need to explore their childhood to change instead of just trying to change the outcome: their behavior.
@@Amy623 destiny isn't real
You can be emotionally vulnerable if your parents gives you too much love and are overprotective it can lead to unintended consequences.
I was diagnosed with severe depression and ptsd and I lived a generally good childhood and was never beat or yelled at this video hit the nail on the head
My childhood has definitely affected my adult life. I’m 24 and have been in therapy for the last 9 months. On my own time I spend researching the whys and indulging in nature because my pain has become too apparent to myself. In a stage where I am facing my wounds for what they are and how they got there. I still have a number of good friends but I’m isolated most of the time... it’s how I find myself being able to completely listen to the whispers of my sorrows. This all sounds dark. I realize that... but I’m so grateful to be here. In a painful isolated truthful room. I guess because however low... and scary it may be it’s me. And for the first time I see myself for me and feel so close to me. And no matter what happened she’s still here alive. I’m still here alive.
So what happens next... ? I don’t really know. All I really know is what’s happening now and what’s here now. Which is me.
Peace and love everyone ❤️
Many thanks for sharing this - and we wish you so well with your therapy (it's something we deeply believe in at The School of Life).
You are not alone
Felt as if I was reading my own testimony .
Relatable 💔
What is good childhood even look like ?
Seriously
Mjnoon 360 th-cam.com/video/2fG9-W-OwCs/w-d-xo.html according to the SoL 😄
Communal parenting and many other kids around, with free access to outdoors or somewhere to play with other kids. No God complex about your parents, no tiny social sphere, and no unspent energy.
There’s a lot to it, but I think a fundamental aspects is not being hit (I.E. spanking/corporeal punishment) or screamed at by your parents. However, that is just the base, there has to be love, nurturing, giving room to explore emotions and the world, fostering interests, and good education (intellectual and empathetic).
joaquin15 yeah I didn't have that
but I still can't understand how something little or big not necessarily a traumatic experience can effects when you still adult
like when you're mother shouted on you when you was 4 and know boom you have a trouble at dating loud women
I know the example was extreme but it's not far from reality I think
I mean why I have to bear the burden of failures of whoever I interacted with when I was a child , it's just not fair
It's like not enough to worry about your current and future self , and know I have to worry about my past self (childhood) and how it's effects me subconsciously
It's just not fair
Prime example:
Bill Gates’ children.
The last part was epic and enlightening. This made me feel quite compassionate and sympathetic towards my parents.
I was abused by an older male relative over a span of weeks at age 9. I’m 18 now never spoke about it. I think it harms me.
Sully Sullivan you should talk to someone about it if you feel like it harms you. You shouldn't have to stay silent. There are trained professionals ready to help those who have been abused.(:
Hello Sully Sullivan. I am so sorry to hear that. But you really should talk to someone about it. There is an episode about this, from an excellent podcast. It is the oldest psychology podcast of the planet. Many shrinks themselves listen to it. Just google for this:
"Shrink Rap Radio #594 Breaking The Silence on Childhood Sexual Abuse with Rosenna Bakari PhD"
I wish you so well.
You need to seek help. My mother was also abused over a short time span by an older male relative when she young. It affected her whole life and the way she raised us kids. She never opened up about it until she was in her 50’s. Deal with it now so it doesn’t shape your future.
Sully Sullivan beat the shit out of him until he’s swallowed all 26 of his teeth
Sully Sullivan I am so sorry to hear this! You are not alone! Please talk to someone about it - preferably, a good therapist. Wishing you all the best.
transference and projection come in a lot. We project our feelings from our childhoods to the people in our present.
My primal wound as a child was being used by my parents and grandma as an errand boy to go to the store ALL the time. No one cared that I had to study or was tired.
This is too true for me, damn, I wish parents would listen to lessons like this instead of dismissing it as related to politics they disagree with or new generational weaknesses
It's their defense mechanism. Imagine how terrible and shameful is to admit you fucking up someone's life from the very beggining?
I talked to my mom about this today and told her that it's a proven scientific fact. Many doctors and researches manage to prove that childhood trauma does in fact shape your adulthood. She was so offended by it that she tried in all her strength to dismiss this and told multiple times that it's not true. That she is a living proof to disprove it. I mean, at one point whatever she was saying didn't even make sense, she was just blabbering nonsense coz her ego got hurt and she doesn't wanna admit the horrendous things she did to me as a kid even though multiple times during the confrontation I assured her that I don't blame her for her actions (since she could've been acting from trauma as well). She was so determined to prove me wrong she just straight up made a fool of herself. She has been a narcissistic manipulator her whole life and is offended when she's presented with the facts proving it🙃
I think that kid might be adopted...he doesn't look like his parents.
arent we all doesnt 'look' like our parent ?
I am not The Walrus Nice English mate.
He would still be affected by the upbringing, even if he was adopted.
:'(, fix it please
That is because the adults have built walls around them of concrete. The child is still vulnerable and unprotected.
So true. From day one, we are like "leafs on a wave" of family, neighborhood, culture--floating on top of forces we have absolutely no control over.
These videos are thought out, narrated brilliantly and give is an in-depth understanding of various topics. Well done.
The narration is unbelievably massive! A very poetic flow, yet every sentence, if listened to carefully, makes sense. This is beautifully done, Alan!
There should be videos like this shown everywhere to raise the awareness..such a major problem in our society...
Your voice is the best part it’s so safe sounding
Those statues representing the parents are from around 7000 years ago, from what we now call the Hamangia Culture, named so after the village in Romania they were dug up in.
Make videos on how to overcome a bad childhood!
You have already made so many videos about why a good childhood is important.
Hello Kiran. They have a video called " How to parent yourself". Under that video I have posted a comment, mentioning all the videos by this channel that can help us deal with childhood trauma. If you wish, just take a look at it. Best wishes :- )
Lua Veli ,thanks :)
What a perceptive, thought-provoking sentence. Thank you.
We make our lives tougher than they should be because we insist on thinking of people, ourselves and others as evil and mean rather than as is almost invariably the case, primarily the victims of what we have all in some way gone through: an extremely tricky early history.
This video makes me rethink having children. However, eventually we are responsible for each of our own lives, and you can correct the wrong by lessons learned. I hope to teach this.
I still feel like we should take responsibillity of our lives. If we know our faults, we should correct them, not blame them on our experiences. If you want to change your life now, then you have to change the way you live now.
David Patino - It's ok to determine the cause of something to understand how things came to be the way they are, but we can only change directions from where we are now, not by getting endlessly stuck in the past.
David Patino Having understood the potential that childhood trauma has to negatively impact one's life never removes your responsibility for dealing with the here and now. It explains why negating that influence may be challenging. Remember, simply blaming someone or something never changed anything. Accepting it and striving to move on intellectually and emotionally is the key. This takes self-awareness, persistence and understanding the complexity and nuances involved. This isn't as easy as the proponents of total self-responsibility argue. There are limits to what one can change, especially when one understands that the traumas of childhood can negatively impact seemingly powerful and influential people. They create and work in businesses and organisations that through their cultures that impact other people's lives. For example, the pervasiveness of workplace bullying is a serious problem. Bullies are made, not born. Often, their creation is a process begun in childhood. So, society needs to value emotional intelligence as much, if not more than intellectual achievement. Or, the abusive cycle continues. So, childhood trauma is a societal problem as well as a personal one. If we insist only reductive perspectives, anchoring all our difficulties in personal responsibility, we miss the costs low emotional intelligence make on the quality of people's lives everyday.
Ok but knowing WHY you are a certain way helps immensely, and at no point does the video say that we shouldn't take responsibility.
Taking responsibility is definitely important, but it's hard to do that if you don't even realize why or how it's happening
A Simple Guy
I agree, but its easy for people to not take responsibillity if they think its not their fault
I wish all parents who have children watch this , enough !
What an amazing video which explains childhood trauma so simply
I want "The school of life" guy to be my dad!
this is just years of knowledge in minutes,thank you so much!
How our childhood affects our adult lives AKA every single school of life video
Exactly. They didn't use to talk about it that much
because that must be the heart of psychology.
Wow. Just truly AWEsome. Always big ideas helpful to all humanity, expressed with a simple-to-understand and elegant text, with creative images, and a tender suave voice. Chapeau bas! Deeply grateful.
...Especially, if you heard it, your ENTIRE childhood. I could only find escape via movies and art.
My parents had the worst argument 2 days before my 12th birthday. I know by that time I should be a pre-teen (or even a teen) then, still it traumatised me so much when my mum pushed me away as I tried to hug her. The look in her eyes were full of rage and it almost seemed like she hated me, like she blamed everything on me and wanted me to leave forever. It struck me so hard, but she probably doesn't even remember anymore. All she sees are my flaws and traits that could help her look like a great mother to the people outside.
I realised I have been subconsciously afraid of her ever since.
I hope this channel is still here for when I have kids
Beautifully timed. I wouldn't hesitate to say you guys have an almost godly guide-lining to the timing of your content. When I was younger, in 2006, I had several birds that I cared for, and I was reflecting on this this morning. One day one of my parakeets, which at the time I had six, was poking his head around the bottom of the cage as I was heading out the door with my backpack slung around me. I took one glance at him, and when I came home he was dead on the cage floor. I went and fetched a glove, my lip quivering, and I picked him up. He had broken his neck, and it swung limply around like a flimsy lantern; when I took him to my mother in the living-room I was babbling trying not to cry for fear she might ridicule me for expressing my emotions. Always seemed like that happened at school dating as far back as early elementary, just like the contents of your video demonstrate, so I've noticed now that it's difficult to just be myself as I habitually zone in on others around me even when I'm not directly looking at them. I think about them, what they might be doing, and I shape myself accordingly it seems like, but at the same time I jump all in trying to love people from the start only to feel like I'm being turned away, and then I fall under the impression that I'm opening up too much. Ah, parallels and complexes and things.
Very interesting...
I agree 😘
Overcoming the social pathogenesis of heritable behavioral, ancestral pain & injuries that plague our life journey can be the most significant event we can overcome. Heal one's lineage collectively brings peace to the past, present & future, we need tools like that of the ancients, their rites & rituals that sooth help us divine, heal & reacquire/maintain connection.
I hate to think that I’m blaming my parents for how messed up I am now as an adult. I come from the most loving family and everyone loved me to death. We’re comfortable financially and I had everything I wanted. But I never felt understood. My emotions were largely neglected most of the time because my parents claimed that “I’m too young to understand real problems in life and loads of other people are struggling to live”. They were too busy working to teach me why I was wrong but went straight into punishment instead. They believed it was the quickest way to teach me a lesson. I was bullied at school and then I started thinking what is wrong with me that no one seems to care about my feelings? I grew up being this love and sex addict who constantly looks for validations from toxic and emotionally abusive relationships, in order to “make things right again”. I don’t believe there’s a cure for my childhood trauma because I tried talking to my parents about it recently and they just said I should be grateful for everything they’ve given me instead of making things out of nothing
I feel like im on the same route and genuinely would like some advice as to how to solve this. I feel like my parents wouldn’t bother to pay for therapy
You and I have practically the same story. Hang in there, friend. ❤
I think your current behaviors are echoes of the past. The way your parents raised you formed your internal monologue and how you interact with and interpret the world. Some parents are able to look back and realize how consequential their behavior actually was for their children and that can lead to some closure in terms of moving forward. But for many, talking about emotional needs and the effects of childhood trauma and neglect are too complicated for them to understand. I highly recommend finding a good therapist and trying to understand why you have certain insecurities or anxieties. Or if you feel you have bad responses to minor situations it can be an indicator of something larger going on in the subconscious. I honestly think being a parent is the biggest responsibility you can take on. It takes selflessness, empathy, maturity and the understanding that you are raising and forming an entire person. You need to be okay with being “hated” by your child because children have intense and large emotions that they have little control over. Ive found this channel to be incredibly insightful. I think a great show if you havent watched it is Bojack Horseman. It really tackles subjects like depression, childhood trauma, generational trauma, substance abuse and much more in a very intelligent and relatable way. I will say though you should be in a good place mentally before watching because the subject material gets very dark. I really hope the best for you ❤
Being a parent my self, i see the meny flaws i have. And its more easy to relate to my own parents "misstakes". Being a parent is not an easy task.
I never blamed my parents, but i do understand more. Thay never created this "crack" inside me by choice. Thay did the best thay could in their situation. I can never be a perfect dad, but im trying to be the person i want my son to be when he grows up.
Probably my favorite School of Life episode, thanks to poignant message and brilliant animation with tons of humor.
I struggle to upload once a week and you guys are uploading 2 videos per day lol.
I admire the hustle though, you guys never cease to come up with creative videos. Keep it up :)
Masculine Man They're a bigger group though, if you have to do everything yourself, it logically gets stressful.
two videos per DAY??
Now 53yr, and from birth my whole life has been a train wreck. I'm not going to talk about it as its too painful. If things had been different, I would have been different. Now I struggle with long term depression and social anxiety. I was a good mother to my two sons with disorders, who are adults now and both have jobs and happy lives. I gave to them what I never recieved, I was their protector and supported them through every step of their lives. I'm proud of myself for doing that. I became overwhelmed just now over my past and needed to talk and this video showed up. The most important things children need is.....being told they are loved, cuddles and fun, bounderies, support and good communication anytime they need it. Teach them skills to get them through life. Find out their interests and strengths and work with these. Keep them safe and teach them how to keep themselves safe. I felt so sad just now but I can't go back and change the past.
No parents are perfect unfortunately
Edit: I know what you guys are saying. And that is why every person in this world has *some* sort of flaw(s) in their character :-) it is normal, and to be expected, because our parents also have problems from their childhood, etc. The cycle goes on.
but you can get near perfect-ish
I'm not perfect. It doesn't exist. We give our best based on what's instilled in us.
Some don't even try but say that they did.
Beth M
I still feel like we should take responsibillity of our lives. If we know our faults, we should correct them, not blame them on our experiences or parents. If you want to change your life now, then you have to change the way you live now.
Once, our parents were traumatized children as well. How is it possible to bring up a child perfectly when they're traumatized as well. In the end , aren't we all traumatized? Sorry for my bad english
I don't think this video was supposed to make me tear up...but it did. Hit too close to home.
The graphics of this video can be the reason why I'm traumatized
Thank you Mr de Botton, an excellent explanation! An expansion of the phrase 'We spend all our adult lives overcoming our childhood.'
Our children are as Mirrors that echo in time They reflect What they see Change begins with thy...
As an adult who suffers with anxiety. I totally agree
LOL, THAT WHALE! THAT WAS THE GREATEST HUMOR THING I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THIS CHANNEL!
After my parents died when I was 16 I always said I had a great and wonderful childhood. But now, 20 years later, I get more and more horrified by the things my parents did or didn't do. Now I realize more and more, that a lot of my problems I had and partly still have derived from their behaviour as parents. It still makes me angry sometimes.
But at least some good things come from it. For example thanks to my parents I see smokers as what they are, drug addicts, and have no respect for their "need" of special drug breaks during work or long travels (if you can't stop smoking for even just a couple of hours, you are a drug addict!). My parents smoked EVERY DAY in my room even though I told them again and again that I don't want them to smoke in my room, because it stinks. They didn't care. My parents compliant about not having enough money to reach the end of the month or go on holiday with us kids. The had that money, they just "invested" it in 20 - 40 cigarettes per day (each) so it went up in smoke. I told them every month, they didn't care. They even "borrowed" money from their own children to keep on smoking at the end of the month - of course they NEVER gave it back.
Dear reader, if you are a smoker, please don't be offended that a random guy in the youtube comment section calls you a drug addict! Just stop taken that s***! If not for your sake, do it for the sake of your children! Don't be a fool and ruin their lifes (and yours)! Since you obviously don't really need that money that you spend for tobacco products, rather invest it in your childrens education!
Omg! That was so insightful, beautiful and tragic.
You Sir, are a genius, and l absolutely love the sound of your voice and the gentle and profound narration
Brilliant. Why doesn't everyone know this? We should be taught this in school. I have spent a good portion of my adult life recovering from childhood wounds, but that is ok because I do not believe that anything worth having in this life is easily gotten. Thank you for this consistently excellent material. : )
i appreciate the creativity and dedication in devising the graphics and visual analogies.
I've always wondered why I'm so angry when I'm being bullied. Finally, I found the answer
BoJack Horseman needs to watch this vid
-G4RDA- I was just about to write this
Beautiful video guys. I’ve always tried explaining this concept to people but now I can just show them this video, couldn’t of said it better myself!
This is such important information. It's vital to our well being to look back and examine any mental constructs that were created during a difficult early childhood.
The animation is amazingly artful!
We wouldn't be who we are today, if we never had any of the experiences we had as children.
Kizamaru TheDk ...psychotic?
...No?
Kizamaru TheDk ...speak for yourself. Less people should procreate.
I'm not sorry for being positive. = )
I will not change my ideals for cynical words.
I simply spoke my thoughts of truth, not sorry for honesty.
Besides my point is being missed, we survived, it could have been much worse, if you're breathing now you're lucky.
This was truly thought provoking and wonderful, as usual. But it also made me very anxious. It does seem like, no matter what I do, I won’t be able to raise my future kids in a way that spares them of that early trauma. And frankly, that’s the one thing I want most. I don’t want my potential future kids to suffer like I did/do. I want them to be as emotionally mature and healthy as possible...is that truly impossible then?
I know I’m still young and probably won’t get kids very soon but it is something I have on my mind a lot. I don’t want to make the mistakes that have been made with me, but I know it’s not possible to not make mistakes...
Probably when the world is a better place.
I once heard that a parents job is not to protect their child from all hardship or trauma. But it is their reaction and how they help their child process said trauma that will impact them more. But I totally feel you. I am very wary of ever having children myself for that exact reason. The fact youre even thinking about it puts you in a much better position than most others ❤
This makes so much sense now
Preach guys!! You’re brilliant :) thank you❤️
Brilliant...one of the best you have ever done. Thank you for it.
With the toxic, unstable and problematic family that I had I could confirm that your childhood really is a big part of who you will be. It's so messed up that now I'm struggling and am just not normal, it's really sad.
Childhood does affect you in the most damaging ways .We are raised by superficial Arrogant mentally abusive Caregivers who cannot properly communicate or even be responsible for a pet.So its Open season on a little person lööking for help and guidance How to be in this World.....I still surivived.Thank God....
May all children know not to take their wounds as their possessions
As someone with 2 diagnosed Personality disorders, its a daily reality. Very well made video
GupGup GupGup lucky bastard
I blamed my failings/shortcomings as an adult on the way my parents were and how they raised me...until I became a parent myself. I realized that my parents did the best they could as parents, for me, as I am trying to do for my children. 😐
Childhood is an important subject lately? Lots of videos on it.
Right!
It's something everyone alive have in common
It is
Not lately, always. One's formative years may well resonate through one's entire life. I' m 56 and still battle the harmful effects of the way the bucket of excrement of a father I had poisoned my entire life. I defecate on his name, face and grave.
Learned this in my psych class
« Childhood is an open prison ». Yikes 😰😰😰
i wish my parent had learned this ...i am willing to make the difference
As a parent, this basically tells me that no matter how hard I might try to get it right, I'm going to screw up my kids somehow, if for no other reason than I am a flawed and scarred product of other humans.
Love the Art Style 🔥
I kid you not, I was just writing about what causes me anxiety and the number 1 thing was people in authority becoming furious with me. I didn't know why I felt like I wanted the ground to swallow me instead of facing an angry authority figure. I guessed that my parents (who were loud and demeaning when angry) were the cause. I've been told that it was a silly notion, I was blowing it out of proportion, and that they were just being cranky, I shouldn't have taken it to heart. But I was 5. They were all I saw. I wouldn't know that the world isn't ending because to me they are my world. Why did I think I was doing well? They told me I was. Why did I think I was absolutely rubbish at what I tried? Because they told me I was. Whether or not what they said was true, I would not know. They were my standard of truth and I believed them.
YES!!!!! What a BRILLIANT explanation!! Sharing far and wide... :) THIS is why we change negative childhood memories! Thanks for this FABulous explanation!
I often wonder why no one helped me as a kid, I told other adults yet no one helped? Very strange!
There is a program designed especially for adults. No childhood is perfect and as a result many of us struggle in life. The program is ACA. The focus is on understanding why we act and think in ways that are not beneficial for our lives. The program has a solution and that solution is "Becoming your own Loving Parent". When we can truly love ourselves our lives can change, for the better.
You understand. We all must understand.
"Children are equally helpless before the distinctive theories of the parents they can't understand that an insistence that they not mix with another family from school or that they follow a particular dress code or worry as much as they do about dirt or being late"
The marriage of my parents was pretty much a war zone. It was psychological warfare, it was violence. All my siblings suffered in their own way. But I feel like to me the regressive influence and all the abuse hit most of all. Because unlike my siblings, I was a lonewolf. I didn't develop my social network, I struggled with the idea of being social. My siblings didn't. They had their friends and events. So I became stuck to hear my parents' constant war. I had no escape, not even till I was almost 30. I didn't live with my parents by that time anymore, of course, but I visited them and many a times over the years I was their diplomat and counselor.
More than anything I feel shame for myself.
Too true this one, I adopted a solution as a kid to turn off every time one raises a voice, now as an adult, its too risky to revert back. People can't believe that this is a deliberate act
Very profound this made me think about myself and my children. I would hate to hinder my child in this way.
I found out I was adopted when I was 44,I did not have loving supportive parents. But I get told that I should be lucky they brought here in Us. But it still affects my relationships with friends/ certain family members. Holidays ,birthdays etc. really suck because it's a constant reminder of what I don't have, and gets lonely. I don't think I'll ever get over till the day I'm no longer here.
We have to remind ourselves that our parents should not be our gods.
They are human beings, just like us- with flaws and imperfections.
And be accountable for yourself especially once you’re living independently. Do not use how you or others were raised as a scapegoat for the way they behave as an adult. Be responsible for yourself and work on being your own person.
I feel vulnerable and susceptible to hurt when I watch these videos.
I’m almost always left with the wondering, once given these interpretations of my past, how do I move on? These videos can alleviate guilt in a way by assuring us that our lives were shaped by forces outside of our control. But this claim can also feel disempowering, because now, being an adult, we have to carry with us this baggage. I don’t want to blame my parents because I know they tried their best, I simply want to move forward.
How does your philosophy help us move forward as it is so rooted in the past?
I'm loving the animation
Great work with the Video.
The Problem is that nowadays some parents are still mentally children in an adults body, thus they are Not able to parent their children. Television and Media does the parenting which is a double edged sword. Another Problem is that some familys have hierarchy structures, so if the omega starts to "rise up" in the structure, the "upper ranks" notice and try to prevent that with passive agression, which leads to heavy confusion and guilt on the victim. Its a mental pecking order.
We are, essentially, video cameras, for the first 7 years. That's a lot to absorb.
These animations creep me out sometimes but I love the messages
made a presentation about this exact subject... without knowing anything about it. i wish i had this video
How could you make a presentation of a topic you knew nothing about?
I tried my best, I ended up doing it about "parenting styles"