Hi guys, thank you so so much for watching. ❤ I’d like to say two things. first off: in light of me speaking at the end about my former relationship, I’ve decided to un-private the video I had about our relationship and let it be public again (it’s titled “oh brother this guy stinks” lmaooo) I feel I diminish how bad it was often, and that the further I move on from it, the harder it is for me to talk about how truly bad it was. So I’m going to let that video live on my channel as a reminder to not forget who he is. This doesn’t mean I don’t wish him well and would love for him to be a better person moving forward, but I think a part of me took that video down because I didn’t want him to hate me. I have to let myself speak on what happened regardless of how it makes him feel. Secondly, I know I refer to myself as “better” in a lot of this - I mean that in the sense of how awful my depression was during my time using and how utterly consumed I was in being unable to move on from my former relationship, and how it fueled my relapses. I’m moving on and healing now. But please do not mistake this as me saying I am no longer an addict. I will always be an addict and it’s something I have to keep in mind and be diligent about for the rest of my life.
Taylor you’ve come a long way and just like u I’ve dealt with some of the same issues so I feel u and I have to say I’m happy 4 u and what u have achieved 👍
Id always hoped you'd unprivate that video someday because awareness matters to those in the same position you once were in. It's okay that youve had mindset changes for what you wanted to release to the public 💜 totally valid to feel differently as youve progressed past it! Always hoping the best for you 🩵 you deserve it
12:35 "a waste of suffering" is a really relatable thought. Getting better means having to deal with how much/long you suffered when there were other options. Validating that you weren't well enough to make the "right" choices and lessen the suffering but also not enabling is a real process.
This reminds me of my bf he engages in alot of self deprecating behavior because that’s what he thought life was. I told him he needed to change people, places and things. He’s started to do that and I see the difference and he’s only made 2 chances. But I encourage and I’m proud that he acknowledged it wasn’t working and decided to make some change even if it’s not constantly and only a few things. I’m a strong believer that we don’t know better until we experience better.
We’ve finally made it full circle. For some of us, it was very obvious you were struggling years ago & knew you would either come out of it sober or…wouldn’t. Glad to see you made it out & can focus on living life to the fullest
I relapsed today after 10 months. In the back of my head there was a fear of getting better but I couldn’t find the words to explain it. So, often in my therapy and group therapy, I’d feel like I couldn’t express that part of the allure of using again so I missed out on some of the support I needed. I know the creator of this video will likely never see this comment but I wanted to say thank you anyway. Honestly, I’d never even heard of this channel before. So the fact this video popped up in my recommended today, while I’m sitting in the bath crying after relapsing, is crazy timing. Thank you for giving me the words.
I know this doesn’t take away your feelings but this is part of it. Give yourself grace and love yourself through this. You’re worth the time and energy to heal. ❤
Hey. It's okay. It's even normal. We relapse because it's all we've known for so long, and it's predictable and "safe" to feel "medicated". It's familiar to us in a very unfamiliar and scary world sometimes. I've done this. I'm sorry. I'm glad you're aware and you're working through it. I promise it gets better/easier. People shame themselves so much after relapse, but it's a part of the process and additionally, sobriety doesn't look the same for everyone. We all have different paths. I relapsed quite a few times my first few tries. Figured out it was partially because I was trying to survive, undiagnosed AuDHD in a neurotypical world with unmanaged major depression, but also because AA/NA just didn't work for me. I still think the worst possible thing to tell addicts is to "let go/let God" and that everything is out of our control. On the contrary, we're the ONLY ones who can be accountable for our use, and we HAVE the power to stop. We just need the tools and support. 🤷 I just celebrated 10 years in January. Zero relapse *this* time around. No AA. No NA. You can DO THIS. Cut ties to accessibility if you can so it's harder to acquire. Reexamine your social circle and eliminate anyone who isn't supporting your growth. It's hard, but it helps. And if you need someone, even a stranger, please reach out. Even to me. Even on here. The fact that you're acknowledging relapse, and feel a way about it, is SO important, and a HUGE sign that you're eventually gonna be okay and back on track. Count the relapse, but don't reset the clock. It's just a blip. You've still worked hard the last 10 months! Don't forget it! You two are SO not alone. 🥹❤️
@ This got me so pumped to read! NA/AA DOESN’T work for everyone and I, too, agree that it’s deadly dangerous to teach that. I celebrate 5 years next month. I’m proud of you, one to another ❤️
@hollypuckett3931 Fr!!! I've always had a really big issue with that program because it makes you feel helpless instead of empowering you, and the fact that so many old-schoolers are hard-line, shaming people for prescribed and needed medications and making them give up. There's so many predators that prey on newcomers too. 😒 Congrats and I'm proud of you! It only gets better. I'd rather actually have memories of things. 😂
I think it's fair that you don't want to be mad at your ex for the addiction but I think it's also absolutely fair to be mad at him for obviously taking advantage of someone who was a fan of him since they were young. Man's made a lot of questionable choices for an adult.
dude 12:00 and your discussion about fearing getting better because 'what happens to the person who had to suffer through all that'.... this is something I've rehashed so much in therapy and still struggle with. it's healing almost to hear someone else say besides my other best friend who made it out of addiction with me
interestingly, i feel this same way about EMDR therapy for CSA. I don't want that little hurting girl to disappear or feel abandoned, there's this weird protectiveness I feel over the pain. I don't know if this rings true for anyone else
I’ve been watching you since middle school (I’m 21 now) and I’m so happy to see you posting more frequently!! And the “afraid to get better” thing is SO real. It’s like being held hostage.
I’ve never heard someone else express that they were worried that their suffering would be a waste and I always felt like it was wrong to feel that way. Thanks for sharing and showing I’m not alone
I feel the same way. Depression is a BEAST. But I never want to go back, I try to tell myself everyday that that’s enough. She is on the right track of creating art, I have been feeling the same way but I have no skills lol. Perhaps talking in a group like this would be beneficial for some (or all) of us.
It reminds me of the Bojack Horseman episode, “Good Damage” or whatever its name is. Explores exactly this topic. Essentially the thoughts/feelings of: “I went through all that suffering, it HAS to be for a reason, because if it’s not… it’s not ‘good’ damage. It’s just damage.”
I thought the video where you talked about your ex was great. It showed a realistic depiction of being in a relationship with a narcissist. I think having it up would help a lot of people. Sending love your way ❤
I've watched that video probably 3 times since it came out because it's so real and raw and honest. I think it was extremely brave and I was so proud of her
This video was oddly relatable as I just went no contact with him 2 months ago.i may not of done drugs but got more into weed and alcohol .he was an acholic and went through phases of being sober and relapsing again.i fit into nicotine more with him.i don't have bipolar but I definitely relate to the intense emotions as I have alot of bpd symptoms.the her being a people pleasure and not wanted to be worthless,the older men and bullying was familiar.he wasn't a celebrity but he did talked about being in the military and was known a bit on VR chat.he was in his late 30s also.
You have a huge group of OG supporters that have been enjoying your content for years! Your suffering was not for nothing and your healing IS shining light on others. You're a bright light in an otherwise dark world, Taylor ❤
honor the person you were by never forgetting it and holding onto the lessons you learned ♥️ the fear of forgetting is valid because you need that to keep yourself moving forward without ever returning back to that place
I was once told that getting sober from a long addiction is like a divorce. When you finally decided to get sober and take your life back it's like losing a true love and you have to grieve and go through different emotions and stages of a loss. I was told that most people their drug if choice is usually their first love so the heartbreak and loneliness of losing someone you love and leaned on for so long is what makes it so hard. It's crazy how powerful your mind is and how it can bring you back even after years of being sober. How it waits for an opportunity to bring you back it blows my mind. Keep fighting the good fight and continue to be part of the solution not the problem. Thanks for sharing
the fear of forgetting the darkest parts in your life is so real. i think being afraid to get better is always gonna stick with you because you’re never gonna get to a point where you feel “perfect”. the more i live with my depression, the more i see that those memories will always be there, i’ll never forget how much pain i was in. i know i wont forget it because being at rock bottom is exactly what brought me to get better. i want to prevent myself from getting to that point again, that is the whole reason i continue to heal and face the fear of forgetting.
I watched your videos obsessively when I was in middle school. I've never been an addict, but I can relate to the struggles of emotional abuse in relationships and depression. I'm so glad you're getting better. I still look up to you, and I'm so glad that I can watch you still, even as I'm now in college.
I just related so much at 7:50 with you talking about your animals being the only thing to keep you alive. I've felt the same at a very dark point in my own life. It's amazing how they make such a difference in our lives. So happy you're alive and well ❤️
I’m glad at least you’re quitting nicotine, quitting *heroin* is like a like altering experience with horrific physical side effects that last for days
Honestly love these honest chats about serious issues, it makes me feel less alone with mine. You are loved and thank you for always trying ❤ happy too see more of you on my feed
Also-you should consider starting to write. You speak so well about these topics, honestly several things clicked for myself listening to you. Even if it’s just for you as a record. Much love❤
Psilocybin mushrooms have certainly had a beneficial effect on my mental health. They've been quite effective for me in managing my anxiety and depression.
Does anyone know any good source to get them? I put so much on my plate and it definitely affects my stress and anxiety levels, would love to give shrooms a try.
I know I’m just some random person on the internet, and this might seem super parasocial but Ive loved your channel, and your vibes and I think the world is a better place with you in it. Super thankful you’re being so open about this, because you don’t owe us this at all but I’m sure people will resonate with it, and maybe not feel so alone themselves. You’re doing amazing things.♥️ Also, side note: I always love your make up, you’re gorgeous with and without it but there’s something so… delicious about the skinny brows and the light shadow. It makes your eyes look so big!
I definitely understand what you’re saying in the 16:30 section. As someone who struggles with depressive episodes I like to journal. And although it sounds relative and I’m sure you’ve gotten this advice 100 times it really helps. Since being medicated I also get scared that sometimes I’ll forget what it feels like to be stuck in a depressive state. Reading back on some of the journal entries is definitely a good reminder cuz gowd DaMn. I also just always keep a sketchbook on my and draw how I feel in the moment. Although few people actually look through my sketchbook I like to think of it as interpretive art. Like I know how I was feeling that day and that the picture they are seeing represents that but they don’t know. I’m glad you area getting the help you deserve
Been watching since middle school The fear of getting better is so understandable because what good is that damage? Its like seeing scars heal and thinking "did i truly suffer? Did i actually go through something bad?" And that fear of being you simply overreacted and things weren't actually that bad because youre better now.
I’m a recovering opiate addict as well, clean for 1 year & 7 months. I relate so much to everything you say. Especially what you said about the fear of forgetting and not having a identity. Being an addict was 100% the only thing I identified with for the first year or so. Thank you for talking about this❤
As you came out with your video coming clean about your addiction and relationship, I was about to enter my own abusive relationship and (albeit a lot milder) substance dependence. You documenting your pain and the highs and lows of your journey made me feel like I wasn’t alone when my path to finding who I was after that came with pitfalls and depression. Your pain and your experiences and the way you chose to document them while they were happening meant so much to someone on the other side of the world going through her own fight, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. That’s what you made with it, and to me at least that means it wasn’t at all for nothing.
I feel like I “knew” you before I learned about your addiction. I think you talking about it online can help people understand that a lot of people go through this, even people you “know. It makes me realize that almost anyone can fall into this cycle. I appreciate you being so raw about your experiences. You are showing people that there is a way out because you did it.
The emotional intellegence and matureness is real! You have enormous amount of self-reflectiveness, and I can tell you've put so much work into getting here. I'm sorry if my english is bad, it's not my first or second language, but I started following you years ago and watched your videos regularly, but had forgotten until your video popped up now, and just by listening to your experience, and how you tell it from such a deep, genuine and wide perspective amazes me. Keep on your good work
Congrats for your sobriety love. Ive been sober for 4 years. Its embarrassing to look back on my addiction. But Im happy now and that's all that matters. My addiction started the same way with being sick, was bullied. Had trachers do the same shit and bully me as well. One of the days I finally got my ass out of bed and made it to first period my teacher made fun of me and front of the class so i left crying and went to the nurse instead. She knew exactly what happened and was like "It was Mr. Theme right?" and it was. So I went back home.
That’s actually disgusting, I frequently hear about many teachers being like that and I don’t get it, like the reason you want to be a teacher is that you like kids.
Don't be embarrassed by your addiction. Society loves to victim-to lame, and it isn't your fault that society exists the way it does. It could be better, but a small percentage of the population can profit from the status quo so things don't change.
I feel so relieved that you’re in a place that is looking back on this experience more than analyzing the present. I wanted to address your feelings that were hard to describe, and I’m not trying to belittle your feelings in any way or put words in your mouth. Just want to offer more words that might help you find a way to explain it! To me it sounds like a mixture of a few things 1) mourning the loss of who you were in that time. Kind of similar to leaving a younger sibling behind in a toxic home environment. 2) survivors guilt talking about others who may not make it out of the cycle 3) possibly fear of not remembering the lesson as you distance yourself from the experience. I hope this at the very least gives you some different angles or things to rule out about your experience. It’s really lovely to see you on here still and working through it. Also congrats on moving out!!! Such a huge step :)
I love that you are open about this topic. I have been an addict since I was 13/14. Was recently on suboxone for 12 years and man was it hard to get off of that. I spent about 6 months in rehab/treatment last year. Addiction is such a tough disease to battle- it’s the only disease that lies to you and tells you you don’t have a disease. Proud of you and your growth!
Proud of you! ❤ my brother is trying to get off of subs too. May I ask , what helped you the most? There are rehabs around us that won't accept you in for sub detox
You popped up on my recommendations and I've never watched one of your videos. But, wow. I resonated with this. Thank you for your vulnerability. Thank you for talking about your depression, and how much you needed your animals as much as they need you. I'm always afraid to tell people how my two cats were, quite literally, one of the only reasons I decided to not give up and hang on for a while longer...and I'm glad they did. You articulated so many aspects of addiction that I, as a non-addict, have never known about. Thank you. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been but, I am proud of you. For being vulnerable, for overcoming these obstacles, and for talking about it. It helps people like me become wiser and understand better so we can be supportive to those in our lives struggling.
I remember how beautiful the house you guys got together was with the atrium in the middle. I’m sorry you weren’t able to make that place a home but most importantly I’m proud of how far you’ve come. I’ve been following you for so fucking long and got to watch you through the before and the during. It’s wonderful to get to see the after. You’re glowing again
crying the whole way through as i start my own recovery journey, you have always been someone i looked up to and during your absence i always prayed for you you inspired me to get clean and im so happy that you see the light you are stronger than you know Nicole 💖💖💖
The healing journey is hard, and the more traumas, body pain, emotional pains, societal pressures, and everything else added to it makes it harder. You are completely valid in having a hard time with moving into the next chapter. It feels like abandoning yourself and your experiences, but it will absolutely be okay. All anyone can do is keep taking it one hour, one day, or one week at a time, and look back and remember what we've been through to be thankful for where we end up.
been a fan since that video of you feeding all your animals back in 2017. never did i once stop being a fan, even when u stopped uploading for a while due to your addiction, and even in between that and the relapse you experienced. i always believed that you knew what was best for your animals even though it didn't look that way, and that underneath you were still the same Taylor that i watched at 16 with her posse of animals. just know that despite everything that has happened or will happen i will be one of those that stay loyal and always support your growth not only has a channel but as a person! love you Taylor!
I feel like what you are trying to express and why it makes you sad to think about forgetting those experiences is that girl mattered. That version of you who went through so much pain mattered. Her feelings mattered, her experiences mattered, her suffering mattered, and her life mattered. She deserved love and kindness just as much as this healthy version of you does. And it’s important to hold space for that girl. Going through active addiction and getting better is an incredible accomplishment, one that you should be proud of. But people in active addiction aren’t any less worthy of love. And now you can be the protector of that lost girl you once were and show her sympathy. You don’t have to forget her ❤️ Sending you all the love. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your journey.
I never want to forget how bad my addiction was either. It has been my experience that I don't truly forget, I just don't have to live in the past and actively suffer anymore. Your experience, your suffering, is not in vain. Your recovery benefits not only you, but other people! I related a lot to what you said about toxic/abusive relationships and sense of self. I'm about 9 months sober and I am learning all sorts of new things about myself. I feel different, changed, and I am improving at a rapid pace. I just don't feel the same, and that alone can be terrifying because of all the fears I have, but when I hear someone else who has gone through similar things I know I'm not alone and that recovery will always be worth it. On wanting to be friends deep down with the person who hurt you so badly, I can relate too. As I get further into recovery, I find a new sense of self love and respect. Some people will never ever deserve a minute of your time. You DESERVE better! I hope you can fully believe that one day, little by little, I believe you can get there. I'm grateful for your message and everything you said. It might always feels like we don't say the right words at the time, but everything you said is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you Taylor! Good luck on your move. I'm wishing you all the best in your recovery.
hi I usually don’t comment on videos but I’ve been watching your content since I was in middle school (I’m a junior in college now) and I just wanted to say you’re doing amazing, thank you for being so open about your struggles, whether you realize it or not you’ve taught your younger viewers (myself included) what to watch out for regarding abusive relationships and addiction just by sharing your story. I probably wouldn’t have understood addiction as well as I do if it were not for you sharing your story.
I have never heard someone explain addiction and depression in such an in depth and well spoken way. This video has truly helped me to understand my own fears of healing from addiction and depression and it gave me a huge shift in perspective of myself. Taylor I have loved you and your videos for years now and I’m so grateful that you’re willing to share so much of your life with the world. You’re amazing❤️
I work with people in active addiction, stories like yours bring me so much joy. My residents are incredible but addiction is a journey with lots of ups and downs. You got this!
Every word you said I understand 125%, I still struggle with it every day. You have no idea how relatable your story is to us who were also in the same position. I'm almost 4 years out of a fentanyl addiction with my partner, at the time, and I'm so so so grateful for you speaking about it. My guinea pigs and my family were the only thing keeping me alive and I have so much respect for you. I will be here if you need someone to talk to, I understand. I understand all of it.
For people Iike us we have to remember we survived we lived with so many did not. addiction is hard and it never goes away. I just celebrated three years sober. Never forget you’re alive and so am I and our families are happy for it. I’m PROUD of you.
Been watching you since your videos about all the languages, fell in love with your personality and compassion, and it made me a lifelong supporter. It brings me much joy to see you with your own joy. You should be incredibly proud of the kindness you’re able to hold for yourself, knowing a lot of people, struggling with addiction that can be the difference between making it out or not.
I always randomly think about you a lot right before you post. I relate to you in so many ways and you have no idea how helpful it is seeing someone honestly share how their experiences changed them. I’m glad you haven’t given up.
I cried a lil when you got to talking about growing up with EDS. I have HEDS. Very very similar experiences except I was still forced into school on the worst days with dislocated hips/knees/shoulders. I just got more made fun of for being visibly sick, too. I don’t know of many of us who didn’t get mistreated for being disabled. We all deserved better.
I remember watching you from the cheese the cow fish videos and I randomly think of you over the years and never saw you on my TH-cam again until I remembered the name of your fish and looked it up. I am very happy to see you’re doing better and being happy. Glad I found you yet again
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, steve_porss1 I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
I grew up watching you. I first discovered your channel seeing your reptile room tours and seeing you build your tanks and upgrade them. There’s a certain comfort that comes with watching your videos. After a long bad day going on my phone and clicking on ur videos has kept me going which is weird because you’re in an influencer how can an influencer keep me going when I don’t know them. But you really did. I’m so glad you’re back to making videos even though you’re still healing.
You have turned it into something just by making this video. You have created a portal of connection for others who are experiencing something similar to your past self. You are making the alone feel less alone in discussing your struggles. It’s beautiful and moving to transform- the “you” that went through active addiction is now carried by the sober you. Shes protected and safe to express such turmoil, shes carried by an actualized and safe version of yourself. She is a layer of who you are. It very much does matter that this happened to you, and that you’re now in a place to discuss it and help heal others. I’m in awe of all the versions of you.
I literally broke down in tears watching this, I can relate with EVERY single thing your saying right now, honor that person every single day because you went through this for a reason ❤
We really need to stop saying things like: "I'm not talking about this to gain sympathy or empathy." We are all deserving of it, and what you went through was not easy. Give yourself some grace, and it's okay to have self-compassion through difficult times like this.
i want you to know that your not alone in this feeling as someone who has been clean from SH for almost a year i do fear the day my scars heal and that one none of my pain will have matter and that the people who never get out the cycle pain will be forgotten, i struggle with it every day your doing amazing and your not alone and ive loved your videos since i was very young thank you for continuing all that you do 💗
What you are feeling is absolutely normal and it's probably a form of disassociation (your mind de-attachs from that period in time as a form of sensory comfort and processing) Everything you're going through is okay to do. Breathe and mourn and paint and write letters to that younger self if it helps... People nowadays through "Living funerals" for themselves as a way to accept their ends , to say good bye to loved one if they have a terminal illness, and you should throw one to mourn your baby self
I have a looot of issues with dissociation and have a lot of episodes where it’s really severe. So you’re probably right on the money with that 😭 I really like the suggestions you’ve given, I’ll absolutely start looking into those ways to express that side of me. thank you ❤
I started watching you when I was a teenager , when you had your feedings , and animal hauls . I’m now 23 years old , When you were in addiction I was too , you motivated me to get clean myself . so thank you , keep posting , you have no idea how many random strangers you just helped by talking about it . Addiction is a subject nobody ever wants to talk about , let’s keep talking .
I can relate to you in SO MANY WAYS.I have EDS and bipolar depression. Although some people don't view it as an addiction, I started struggling a lot with food and developed anorexia. I went to rehab a few years ago and have also been in remission for my addiction. Listening to your fears and thought processes is so comforting as someone who has experienced something similar and feels the same. I really appreciate you going public with your full story, it genuinely feels so validating for what others have gone through. You're so strong and I'm so proud of you!
❤❤ omg, didn’t expect you to articulate my exact experience. Once I was consistently feeling better, I didn’t necessarily want to be so involved with my illness anymore, I wanted to leave it behind me, which often feels like a disservice to my past self and sufferings, and for everyone living and battling with the condition. I understand completely what you mean. I hate how much I relate to teachers and peers giving you a hard time for missing school, and experiencing this during college rn and assuming everyone thinks I’m a slack and lying and questioning if my flare up is even real or if I’m doing it to myself. Invisible illness is so hard. Thank you for sharing your story
omg!!!! u were one of the first youtubers i ever watched i have no idea how i lost your channel you are so strong and beautiful for sharing your story i wish u all the best girly 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
YOU are the tangible object that came from healing. YOU are the piece of art that represents that experience: the healthier, new you is the thing we get to keep and admire.
I really relate to the fear of forgetting. I am also 2.5 years out of active cancer treatment and even though it was hell I am proud of myself for getting through it - I think this is similar to your addiction experience because you went through hell but you got out and that is something to be very proud of.
One of my siblings suffered from addiction for a very long time. It started so early and I was so young that by the time she left home we bad never formed a sibling bond. I loved the idea of her, but she was beyond my reach. I learned more as I got older, but all anyone said is "she chose drugs over her family" and "she ruined her own life". And she certainly did make her choices. But it never sat well with me, once I became an adult, how no one acknowledged how at-risk she was. Addiction is genetic, and it was rampant in our family. Her father took off when she was a toddler and made a new family. Our mother abused all of us so badly, but my sister was her scapegoat and the target of our mother's worse abuses. All of us other kids were raised being told that she was bad and didn't care about us. Quite frankly, she didn't have a reason to get help- she thought no one loved her and felt like she wasn't worthy of it. I think she was just dragging herself along waiting for it all the end. Her ex husband used a lot of the same abuse tactics on her as you experienced, and at that point he was all she had. I don't know what did or didn't happen to finally got her to start living. But one day, I saw her post a new picture on Facebook and it brought me to my knees. She gained weight. She was chubby. She was glowing. She was smiling. It was the first time I'd ever seen her that way in my entire life. And even if we'll never have the relationship we should have, I know thst she's finally found a reason to really live and that's enough for me. I am so so happy she made it, and somehow I think she's gonna be okay. Cried while listening to your video and while typing this. I guess the reason I share this is that, no matter how bad it's gotten or how unworthy you might feel, you are not unredeemable. There is someone waiting for you on the other side, whether they're from your past or part of your future. Much love.
I've watched you before you got into a relationship with ur ex (ur ex who i was very familiar bc im 30, chronically online and i like that kinda music). I remember seeing video titles and reading a few things about your relationship at that time - remembering who he is and (quite frankly) how young you were. That's when I just quietly went to a different part of the internet. I've always been around here since you came back, I'm really proud of you because for a long time I really did genuinely worry about you.
my dad passed away in 2023 from an overdose. we were never as close as we could've been because of his addiction. watching your videos on thee topic honestly comforts me, I never fully knew what he was going through until it was too late, but your videos bring some understanding. love you t, proud of you
I'm almost a year and a half sober from severe alcoholism and I relate to this SO HARD. Your videos on this topic give me a lot more grace towards myself for not being further than I THINK I should be.❤
I’ve never heard someone else talk about not wanting the suffering to go to waste. I’m currently trying to heal from anxiety and depression and, as you know, it’s Hell. I think it’s some sunk cost fallacy combined with Stockholm syndrome thing going on where since we’ve spent so much of our lives doing nothing but wishing for it to somehow end, that we should get something out of it. The thought of all that time just being wasted is unbearable. Also the not knowing what’s on the other side of all this and being, as Radiohead put it, “comfortably numb”. But, I think you just talking about your experience is enough to have not let it gone to waste. Maybe it’s not “Art” with a capital A but it’s still relatable, human and makes us feel and think deeply about your and by extension our struggles. You speak so eloquently about it all and I’ve gained insights about my own journey through your words. Very valuable stuff in my opinion. Thank you so much and I’m so glad you’re doing better ❤
hey Taylor, just wanted to say it put a smile on my face from one addict to another to see you on my feed. You come across my mind often, I know if it’s been a while and I haven’t seen a video of yours that probably isn’t a great thing, but I don’t ever want to assume that. I just always pray that you are okay and if not that god finds your way back on the path you so desperately want to be on and nothing more. just know you always have people that pray for you regardless if you are aware or not, and I hope that comforts you in times when you feel like you may not have much comfort at all because trust me I know those times all too well, unfortunately. wishing you nothing but the best.. just pure happiness and i mean pure happiness not the fake shit, nothing more nothing less. Glad to see you back on your feet love please stay on this path. We all know you can and if you somehow veer off to the off beaten one, just know you can always find your way back… no matter the number of times it is…. nobody’s counting but you babygirl. we love you.
I watched you so much late middle/ early high school (i’m 22), watching your videos bring me so much nostalgia and peace. i’m so glad to see that youre okay. you are amazing and as someone who struggles with mental health its affirming to see that we all do make it out somehow, someway.
i used to rewatch ur animal videos over and over when i was younger and i didnt really realize u went threw this much and now im older im starting to understand and actually related to some of your feelings and im so proud you recovering keep going as ur fan i hope you the best okay :D
The talk at the beginning of no longer knowing who you are I feel it. I’m not an addict but since becoming a mom I know nothing else. I don’t even know who I was before I don’t know who I will be once my son starts school. But like your pets. He is why I am here he is why I’m trying I’m so proud of you (from the one with a sister with pws)
I’m usually a really silent viewer but I’m almost 18 now and I would check in on your channel since I was in middle school about. I’m so glad you’re finding yourself and finding your way towards true recovery from everything. I really pray that you can completely let go of the past! Love you Taylor!
I used to watch your early videos when I worked in exotics, so happy to see you're in a better place. Settling back into yourself after living in survival mode for so long feels like waking up after sleeping for a century.
i’ve watched you for over ten years when i was a little little girl i always waited for your videos they brought me comfort i was too small to understand and relate to what you went thought but now seeing this and going through a similar experience makes me want to get better for me and my peys
I think your testimony is the most powerful thing you can create from the experience you went through. It wasn't for nothing!! You're able to use your platform to spread awareness and show others who are struggling that recovery is so possible! Remember to be kind to yourself, because you're more powerful than you give yourself credit for!
Taylor this is so fucking powerful, thank you, like I will keep your words with me forever. I’ve never felt so understood, and seen through another human’s experience. I see you💗
The part where you talked about not wanting to let go of your old self, being scared of forgetting and almost betraying yourself hits so close to home !!! I struggled with a very similar feeling, thinking i couldn't let go of my anger and bitterness because those were the reasons i survived and i felt like letting go was straight up betrayal towards my old self who got me this far. I never thought i'd hear someone speak about this feeling so clearly. I can tell you for sure that it will be rlly scary and hard but you will get to a place where you can let go, and even create from the nothingness.
You validated so many fears with this video and I think you also are immortalized in internet at least this history because our memories and history is part of us
I relate so heavily to everything you said about identity and not knowing how to interact early in recovery, and especially how it feels when you get time and distance from your addiction and feeling somewhat of a weird loss and fear of forgetting what it was like. Its such a bizarre feeling. Ive got 3.5 years sober right now and spent 13 years using IV heroin/fent and meth.. lived in tents, cars, trap houses, hotels.. went months without access to showers.. etcetc and Im getting to a point where Im beginning to take for granted having a home and access to a shower and forgetting how grateful I felt to just be alive and free from waking up sick with nothing.
Same story here❤ even though that part of us was sick, it was what we needed to survive at that time, and we loved our addiction for that reason. That makes it almost nostalgic to look back on, but then we have to remember the bad times… the pain, the assaults, the shame… I see you ❤
Addiction, to me, was always about self medication for emotional pain that is very real (still very real). It was a relief from hurting and dealing with unresolved trauma.
I had panic attack today. Trying to wash out my brain, I scrolled through internet and found This video. I could finally calm down and listen to something. Your words are so relatable to me,, I don’t have addictive disorder, but I am struggling with depression for so long time. I understand your words about not wanting to forget the feeling of despair but wanting to get better so fucking bad. This is so ironic,,but it’s what I feel every second of my life. Thank you for making this video and reminding me of the thoughts inside my head. It is such a complicated feeling to express and to comprehend, so I am so grateful to know I am not alone waking in the harsh path of life. I wish one day we will be able to know the whole meaning of everything. Until then, I will do my best to not give up on myself. Again, thank you for making this video.
I'm going on 7 years now, I relate to alot of the things you said, aswell as the more time goes on, the weirder it feels looking back. Oh yea, that's so dang accurate! Thanks for sharing, be well 🏹
It brings me to (happy) tears to see the light back in your eyes. So so so proud of you Taylor. As someone who struggles with addiction & has watched loved ones struggle with it as well, it’s so hard to work through & recover. Sending all the love to u and ur animals
Your eyes are so bright Taylor, I've been watching you since 2017ish, I think you where still working at petco at the time. I am so, so proud of you. Watching your journey helped me, especially with toxic relationships. Thank you for surviving, thank you for fighting, thank you to your support system. You deserve the best
When you said that your animals and family are the only reasons you’re still here it hit me really hard because I have been there. That’s honestly exactly how I’ve felt when my depression got really bad and I wanted to end things. My love for my pets and family kept me here. I so often thought if I didn’t have my family and pets I would not be here anymore. I’m glad you are still here. Mental health and addiction are really tough to handle.
Okaaayyy we are both in our era of owning up to shit that was hard to even admit to in the past!!!!! It feel strange and so foreign to be open and vulnerable, but I’m trying to work on it. Looks like you are too ❤🎉
Hi guys, thank you so so much for watching. ❤
I’d like to say two things. first off: in light of me speaking at the end about my former relationship, I’ve decided to un-private the video I had about our relationship and let it be public again (it’s titled “oh brother this guy stinks” lmaooo) I feel I diminish how bad it was often, and that the further I move on from it, the harder it is for me to talk about how truly bad it was. So I’m going to let that video live on my channel as a reminder to not forget who he is. This doesn’t mean I don’t wish him well and would love for him to be a better person moving forward, but I think a part of me took that video down because I didn’t want him to hate me. I have to let myself speak on what happened regardless of how it makes him feel.
Secondly, I know I refer to myself as “better” in a lot of this - I mean that in the sense of how awful my depression was during my time using and how utterly consumed I was in being unable to move on from my former relationship, and how it fueled my relapses. I’m moving on and healing now. But please do not mistake this as me saying I am no longer an addict. I will always be an addict and it’s something I have to keep in mind and be diligent about for the rest of my life.
🖤🖤🖤
You are so hopeful and excited for the Future again. I love that!
Best wishes! Rooting for you! 🖤🖤🖤
Taylor you’ve come a long way and just like u I’ve dealt with some of the same issues so I feel u and I have to say I’m happy 4 u and what u have achieved 👍
Id always hoped you'd unprivate that video someday because awareness matters to those in the same position you once were in. It's okay that youve had mindset changes for what you wanted to release to the public 💜 totally valid to feel differently as youve progressed past it! Always hoping the best for you 🩵 you deserve it
You are very eloquent. I wish you well babes. ❤
You are amazing. Don’t ever forget it. I see the light in you has returned.
thank you so much 🥺
12:35 "a waste of suffering" is a really relatable thought. Getting better means having to deal with how much/long you suffered when there were other options. Validating that you weren't well enough to make the "right" choices and lessen the suffering but also not enabling is a real process.
Good damage
Useful damage
Diane Nguyen is knocking
This reminds me of my bf he engages in alot of self deprecating behavior because that’s what he thought life was. I told him he needed to change people, places and things. He’s started to do that and I see the difference and he’s only made 2 chances. But I encourage and I’m proud that he acknowledged it wasn’t working and decided to make some change even if it’s not constantly and only a few things.
I’m a strong believer that we don’t know better until we experience better.
I so appreciate you saying this as someone who had an eating disorder and feels this way every time I think about my past.
you seem to be feeling so much lighter here it’s so nice to see
I’m so glad it’s visible to others too. I feel so much lighter :’)
@@taylorndeanI thought the same but didn’t know how to word it, her personality is shining again !! I’m so glad I missed her
Yeah. Her eyes look bluer too
We’ve finally made it full circle. For some of us, it was very obvious you were struggling years ago & knew you would either come out of it sober or…wouldn’t. Glad to see you made it out & can focus on living life to the fullest
I relapsed today after 10 months. In the back of my head there was a fear of getting better but I couldn’t find the words to explain it. So, often in my therapy and group therapy, I’d feel like I couldn’t express that part of the allure of using again so I missed out on some of the support I needed.
I know the creator of this video will likely never see this comment but I wanted to say thank you anyway. Honestly, I’d never even heard of this channel before. So the fact this video popped up in my recommended today, while I’m sitting in the bath crying after relapsing, is crazy timing. Thank you for giving me the words.
I know this doesn’t take away your feelings but this is part of it. Give yourself grace and love yourself through this. You’re worth the time and energy to heal. ❤
Hey. It's okay. It's even normal.
We relapse because it's all we've known for so long, and it's predictable and "safe" to feel "medicated". It's familiar to us in a very unfamiliar and scary world sometimes.
I've done this. I'm sorry. I'm glad you're aware and you're working through it. I promise it gets better/easier.
People shame themselves so much after relapse, but it's a part of the process and additionally, sobriety doesn't look the same for everyone. We all have different paths.
I relapsed quite a few times my first few tries. Figured out it was partially because I was trying to survive, undiagnosed AuDHD in a neurotypical world with unmanaged major depression, but also because AA/NA just didn't work for me. I still think the worst possible thing to tell addicts is to "let go/let God" and that everything is out of our control.
On the contrary, we're the ONLY ones who can be accountable for our use, and we HAVE the power to stop. We just need the tools and support. 🤷
I just celebrated 10 years in January. Zero relapse *this* time around. No AA. No NA.
You can DO THIS.
Cut ties to accessibility if you can so it's harder to acquire. Reexamine your social circle and eliminate anyone who isn't supporting your growth.
It's hard, but it helps. And if you need someone, even a stranger, please reach out. Even to me. Even on here.
The fact that you're acknowledging relapse, and feel a way about it, is SO important, and a HUGE sign that you're eventually gonna be okay and back on track. Count the relapse, but don't reset the clock. It's just a blip. You've still worked hard the last 10 months! Don't forget it! You two are SO not alone. 🥹❤️
@@hollypuckett3931THISSSSS! ❤
@ This got me so pumped to read! NA/AA DOESN’T work for everyone and I, too, agree that it’s deadly dangerous to teach that. I celebrate 5 years next month. I’m proud of you, one to another ❤️
@hollypuckett3931 Fr!!! I've always had a really big issue with that program because it makes you feel helpless instead of empowering you, and the fact that so many old-schoolers are hard-line, shaming people for prescribed and needed medications and making them give up. There's so many predators that prey on newcomers too. 😒
Congrats and I'm proud of you! It only gets better. I'd rather actually have memories of things. 😂
I think it's fair that you don't want to be mad at your ex for the addiction but I think it's also absolutely fair to be mad at him for obviously taking advantage of someone who was a fan of him since they were young. Man's made a lot of questionable choices for an adult.
dude 12:00 and your discussion about fearing getting better because 'what happens to the person who had to suffer through all that'.... this is something I've rehashed so much in therapy and still struggle with. it's healing almost to hear someone else say besides my other best friend who made it out of addiction with me
interestingly, i feel this same way about EMDR therapy for CSA. I don't want that little hurting girl to disappear or feel abandoned, there's this weird protectiveness I feel over the pain. I don't know if this rings true for anyone else
I’ve been watching you since middle school (I’m 21 now) and I’m so happy to see you posting more frequently!!
And the “afraid to get better” thing is SO real. It’s like being held hostage.
girl same
omg me too
literally same
Girl same!!!
Same! I'm 25 now, it's insane how time flies!
I’ve never heard someone else express that they were worried that their suffering would be a waste and I always felt like it was wrong to feel that way. Thanks for sharing and showing I’m not alone
I feel the same way. Depression is a BEAST. But I never want to go back, I try to tell myself everyday that that’s enough. She is on the right track of creating art, I have been feeling the same way but I have no skills lol.
Perhaps talking in a group like this would be beneficial for some (or all) of us.
It reminds me of the Bojack Horseman episode, “Good Damage” or whatever its name is. Explores exactly this topic. Essentially the thoughts/feelings of: “I went through all that suffering, it HAS to be for a reason, because if it’s not… it’s not ‘good’ damage. It’s just damage.”
I thought the video where you talked about your ex was great. It showed a realistic depiction of being in a relationship with a narcissist. I think having it up would help a lot of people. Sending love your way ❤
I've watched that video probably 3 times since it came out because it's so real and raw and honest. I think it was extremely brave and I was so proud of her
This video was oddly relatable as I just went no contact with him 2 months ago.i may not of done drugs but got more into weed and alcohol .he was an acholic and went through phases of being sober and relapsing again.i fit into nicotine more with him.i don't have bipolar but I definitely relate to the intense emotions as I have alot of bpd symptoms.the her being a people pleasure and not wanted to be worthless,the older men and bullying was familiar.he wasn't a celebrity but he did talked about being in the military and was known a bit on VR chat.he was in his late 30s also.
Thought the same thing!
i’ve rewatched that video sooo many times
What is the title of it? I want to watch it @@JMSayler
You have a huge group of OG supporters that have been enjoying your content for years! Your suffering was not for nothing and your healing IS shining light on others. You're a bright light in an otherwise dark world, Taylor ❤
Girl I’ve missed you!! We’re glad you’re back and open about your endeavors/experiences !! We’re proud of you
Your cats being with you through this, so precious 🥺
honor the person you were by never forgetting it and holding onto the lessons you learned ♥️ the fear of forgetting is valid because you need that to keep yourself moving forward without ever returning back to that place
I was once told that getting sober from a long addiction is like a divorce. When you finally decided to get sober and take your life back it's like losing a true love and you have to grieve and go through different emotions and stages of a loss. I was told that most people their drug if choice is usually their first love so the heartbreak and loneliness of losing someone you love and leaned on for so long is what makes it so hard. It's crazy how powerful your mind is and how it can bring you back even after years of being sober. How it waits for an opportunity to bring you back it blows my mind. Keep fighting the good fight and continue to be part of the solution not the problem. Thanks for sharing
Honestly this was a really great analogy!! Thank u for sharing this
the fear of forgetting the darkest parts in your life is so real. i think being afraid to get better is always gonna stick with you because you’re never gonna get to a point where you feel “perfect”. the more i live with my depression, the more i see that those memories will always be there, i’ll never forget how much pain i was in. i know i wont forget it because being at rock bottom is exactly what brought me to get better. i want to prevent myself from getting to that point again, that is the whole reason i continue to heal and face the fear of forgetting.
I watched your videos obsessively when I was in middle school. I've never been an addict, but I can relate to the struggles of emotional abuse in relationships and depression. I'm so glad you're getting better. I still look up to you, and I'm so glad that I can watch you still, even as I'm now in college.
I just related so much at 7:50 with you talking about your animals being the only thing to keep you alive. I've felt the same at a very dark point in my own life. It's amazing how they make such a difference in our lives. So happy you're alive and well ❤️
I have recently quit smoking, have been smoking for 20 years. I am proud of you, ending an addiction isnt easy at all.
I’m glad at least you’re quitting nicotine, quitting *heroin* is like a like altering experience with horrific physical side effects that last for days
@@sparksflylove Thank you
Honestly love these honest chats about serious issues, it makes me feel less alone with mine. You are loved and thank you for always trying ❤ happy too see more of you on my feed
Also-you should consider starting to write. You speak so well about these topics, honestly several things clicked for myself listening to you. Even if it’s just for you as a record. Much love❤
Psilocybin mushrooms have certainly had a beneficial effect on my mental health. They've been quite effective for me in managing my anxiety and depression.
Does anyone know any good source to get them? I put so much on my plate and it definitely affects my stress and anxiety levels, would love to give shrooms a try.
levishroomies is your guy. The best shrooms and psychedelics guy I know.
Please, how do I reach levishroomies?
Is he on the internet?
Yes, he is
I know I’m just some random person on the internet, and this might seem super parasocial but Ive loved your channel, and your vibes and I think the world is a better place with you in it. Super thankful you’re being so open about this, because you don’t owe us this at all but I’m sure people will resonate with it, and maybe not feel so alone themselves. You’re doing amazing things.♥️
Also, side note: I always love your make up, you’re gorgeous with and without it but there’s something so… delicious about the skinny brows and the light shadow. It makes your eyes look so big!
I definitely understand what you’re saying in the 16:30 section. As someone who struggles with depressive episodes I like to journal. And although it sounds relative and I’m sure you’ve gotten this advice 100 times it really helps. Since being medicated I also get scared that sometimes I’ll forget what it feels like to be stuck in a depressive state. Reading back on some of the journal entries is definitely a good reminder cuz gowd DaMn. I also just always keep a sketchbook on my and draw how I feel in the moment. Although few people actually look through my sketchbook I like to think of it as interpretive art. Like I know how I was feeling that day and that the picture they are seeing represents that but they don’t know. I’m glad you area getting the help you deserve
Been watching since middle school
The fear of getting better is so understandable because what good is that damage? Its like seeing scars heal and thinking "did i truly suffer? Did i actually go through something bad?" And that fear of being you simply overreacted and things weren't actually that bad because youre better now.
I’m a recovering opiate addict as well, clean for 1 year & 7 months. I relate so much to everything you say. Especially what you said about the fear of forgetting and not having a identity. Being an addict was 100% the only thing I identified with for the first year or so. Thank you for talking about this❤
Congrats on your recovery 🤍 You are AMAZING!!!!
@@NataliaG001 thank you so much!❤️
As you came out with your video coming clean about your addiction and relationship, I was about to enter my own abusive relationship and (albeit a lot milder) substance dependence. You documenting your pain and the highs and lows of your journey made me feel like I wasn’t alone when my path to finding who I was after that came with pitfalls and depression. Your pain and your experiences and the way you chose to document them while they were happening meant so much to someone on the other side of the world going through her own fight, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. That’s what you made with it, and to me at least that means it wasn’t at all for nothing.
you’re shining, Taylor. so unbelievably proud of you man. keep going
also super cute hairstyle!!
I feel like I “knew” you before I learned about your addiction. I think you talking about it online can help people understand that a lot of people go through this, even people you “know. It makes me realize that almost anyone can fall into this cycle. I appreciate you being so raw about your experiences. You are showing people that there is a way out because you did it.
The emotional intellegence and matureness is real! You have enormous amount of self-reflectiveness, and I can tell you've put so much work into getting here. I'm sorry if my english is bad, it's not my first or second language, but I started following you years ago and watched your videos regularly, but had forgotten until your video popped up now, and just by listening to your experience, and how you tell it from such a deep, genuine and wide perspective amazes me. Keep on your good work
Congrats for your sobriety love. Ive been sober for 4 years. Its embarrassing to look back on my addiction. But Im happy now and that's all that matters. My addiction started the same way with being sick, was bullied. Had trachers do the same shit and bully me as well. One of the days I finally got my ass out of bed and made it to first period my teacher made fun of me and front of the class so i left crying and went to the nurse instead. She knew exactly what happened and was like "It was Mr. Theme right?" and it was. So I went back home.
That’s actually disgusting, I frequently hear about many teachers being like that and I don’t get it, like the reason you want to be a teacher is that you like kids.
Don't be embarrassed by your addiction. Society loves to victim-to lame, and it isn't your fault that society exists the way it does. It could be better, but a small percentage of the population can profit from the status quo so things don't change.
I’m so glad to see you ❤
I feel so relieved that you’re in a place that is looking back on this experience more than analyzing the present. I wanted to address your feelings that were hard to describe, and I’m not trying to belittle your feelings in any way or put words in your mouth. Just want to offer more words that might help you find a way to explain it!
To me it sounds like a mixture of a few things
1) mourning the loss of who you were in that time. Kind of similar to leaving a younger sibling behind in a toxic home environment.
2) survivors guilt talking about others who may not make it out of the cycle
3) possibly fear of not remembering the lesson as you distance yourself from the experience.
I hope this at the very least gives you some different angles or things to rule out about your experience. It’s really lovely to see you on here still and working through it. Also congrats on moving out!!! Such a huge step :)
I love that you are open about this topic. I have been an addict since I was 13/14. Was recently on suboxone for 12 years and man was it hard to get off of that. I spent about 6 months in rehab/treatment last year. Addiction is such a tough disease to battle- it’s the only disease that lies to you and tells you you don’t have a disease. Proud of you and your growth!
Proud of you! ❤ my brother is trying to get off of subs too. May I ask , what helped you the most? There are rehabs around us that won't accept you in for sub detox
You popped up on my recommendations and I've never watched one of your videos. But, wow. I resonated with this.
Thank you for your vulnerability. Thank you for talking about your depression, and how much you needed your animals as much as they need you. I'm always afraid to tell people how my two cats were, quite literally, one of the only reasons I decided to not give up and hang on for a while longer...and I'm glad they did.
You articulated so many aspects of addiction that I, as a non-addict, have never known about. Thank you. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been but, I am proud of you. For being vulnerable, for overcoming these obstacles, and for talking about it. It helps people like me become wiser and understand better so we can be supportive to those in our lives struggling.
I remember how beautiful the house you guys got together was with the atrium in the middle. I’m sorry you weren’t able to make that place a home but most importantly I’m proud of how far you’ve come. I’ve been following you for so fucking long and got to watch you through the before and the during. It’s wonderful to get to see the after. You’re glowing again
As someone who has watched you since your second upload, and a chronic illness and addiction suffer. I am so goddamn proud of you
crying the whole way through as i start my own recovery journey, you have always been someone i looked up to and during your absence i always prayed for you you inspired me to get clean and im so happy that you see the light you are stronger than you know Nicole 💖💖💖
The healing journey is hard, and the more traumas, body pain, emotional pains, societal pressures, and everything else added to it makes it harder. You are completely valid in having a hard time with moving into the next chapter. It feels like abandoning yourself and your experiences, but it will absolutely be okay. All anyone can do is keep taking it one hour, one day, or one week at a time, and look back and remember what we've been through to be thankful for where we end up.
been a fan since that video of you feeding all your animals back in 2017. never did i once stop being a fan, even when u stopped uploading for a while due to your addiction, and even in between that and the relapse you experienced. i always believed that you knew what was best for your animals even though it didn't look that way, and that underneath you were still the same Taylor that i watched at 16 with her posse of animals. just know that despite everything that has happened or will happen i will be one of those that stay loyal and always support your growth not only has a channel but as a person! love you Taylor!
I feel like what you are trying to express and why it makes you sad to think about forgetting those experiences is that girl mattered. That version of you who went through so much pain mattered. Her feelings mattered, her experiences mattered, her suffering mattered, and her life mattered. She deserved love and kindness just as much as this healthy version of you does. And it’s important to hold space for that girl. Going through active addiction and getting better is an incredible accomplishment, one that you should be proud of. But people in active addiction aren’t any less worthy of love. And now you can be the protector of that lost girl you once were and show her sympathy. You don’t have to forget her ❤️
Sending you all the love. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your journey.
I never want to forget how bad my addiction was either. It has been my experience that I don't truly forget, I just don't have to live in the past and actively suffer anymore. Your experience, your suffering, is not in vain. Your recovery benefits not only you, but other people!
I related a lot to what you said about toxic/abusive relationships and sense of self. I'm about 9 months sober and I am learning all sorts of new things about myself. I feel different, changed, and I am improving at a rapid pace. I just don't feel the same, and that alone can be terrifying because of all the fears I have, but when I hear someone else who has gone through similar things I know I'm not alone and that recovery will always be worth it.
On wanting to be friends deep down with the person who hurt you so badly, I can relate too. As I get further into recovery, I find a new sense of self love and respect. Some people will never ever deserve a minute of your time. You DESERVE better! I hope you can fully believe that one day, little by little, I believe you can get there.
I'm grateful for your message and everything you said. It might always feels like we don't say the right words at the time, but everything you said is exactly what I needed to hear.
Thank you Taylor! Good luck on your move. I'm wishing you all the best in your recovery.
hi I usually don’t comment on videos but I’ve been watching your content since I was in middle school (I’m a junior in college now) and I just wanted to say you’re doing amazing, thank you for being so open about your struggles, whether you realize it or not you’ve taught your younger viewers (myself included) what to watch out for regarding abusive relationships and addiction just by sharing your story. I probably wouldn’t have understood addiction as well as I do if it were not for you sharing your story.
I have never heard someone explain addiction and depression in such an in depth and well spoken way. This video has truly helped me to understand my own fears of healing from addiction and depression and it gave me a huge shift in perspective of myself. Taylor I have loved you and your videos for years now and I’m so grateful that you’re willing to share so much of your life with the world. You’re amazing❤️
I work with people in active addiction, stories like yours bring me so much joy. My residents are incredible but addiction is a journey with lots of ups and downs. You got this!
Every word you said I understand 125%, I still struggle with it every day. You have no idea how relatable your story is to us who were also in the same position. I'm almost 4 years out of a fentanyl addiction with my partner, at the time, and I'm so so so grateful for you speaking about it. My guinea pigs and my family were the only thing keeping me alive and I have so much respect for you. I will be here if you need someone to talk to, I understand. I understand all of it.
For people Iike us we have to remember we survived we lived with so many did not. addiction is hard and it never goes away. I just celebrated three years sober. Never forget you’re alive and so am I and our families are happy for it. I’m PROUD of you.
3 years is huge!
@ thank you. It’s a daily battle.
@ thank you. It’s a daily battle.
Been watching you since your videos about all the languages, fell in love with your personality and compassion, and it made me a lifelong supporter. It brings me much joy to see you with your own joy. You should be incredibly proud of the kindness you’re able to hold for yourself, knowing a lot of people, struggling with addiction that can be the difference between making it out or not.
I always randomly think about you a lot right before you post. I relate to you in so many ways and you have no idea how helpful it is seeing someone honestly share how their experiences changed them. I’m glad you haven’t given up.
I cried a lil when you got to talking about growing up with EDS. I have HEDS. Very very similar experiences except I was still forced into school on the worst days with dislocated hips/knees/shoulders. I just got more made fun of for being visibly sick, too. I don’t know of many of us who didn’t get mistreated for being disabled. We all deserved better.
I remember watching you from the cheese the cow fish videos and I randomly think of you over the years and never saw you on my TH-cam again until I remembered the name of your fish and looked it up. I am very happy to see you’re doing better and being happy. Glad I found you yet again
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, steve_porss1 I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this
Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is steve_porss1
I grew up watching you. I first discovered your channel seeing your reptile room tours and seeing you build your tanks and upgrade them. There’s a certain comfort that comes with watching your videos. After a long bad day going on my phone and clicking on ur videos has kept me going which is weird because you’re in an influencer how can an influencer keep me going when I don’t know them. But you really did. I’m so glad you’re back to making videos even though you’re still healing.
I haven’t listened to *his* music since it came out what he did to you. I’m proud of you for coming so far.
Hi ! who is it ?
@@nohamofarrell7809jonny craig
Same, I feel bad for listening to children of divorce and not connecting the dots
You have turned it into something just by making this video. You have created a portal of connection for others who are experiencing something similar to your past self. You are making the alone feel less alone in discussing your struggles. It’s beautiful and moving to transform- the “you” that went through active addiction is now carried by the sober you. Shes protected and safe to express such turmoil, shes carried by an actualized and safe version of yourself. She is a layer of who you are. It very much does matter that this happened to you, and that you’re now in a place to discuss it and help heal others. I’m in awe of all the versions of you.
THE WAY YOU TALK TO YOUR CATS IS SO CUTE
thank you for being so transparent, youre doing amazing, seriously. youre an inspiration
I literally broke down in tears watching this, I can relate with EVERY single thing your saying right now, honor that person every single day because you went through this for a reason ❤
We really need to stop saying things like: "I'm not talking about this to gain sympathy or empathy." We are all deserving of it, and what you went through was not easy. Give yourself some grace, and it's okay to have self-compassion through difficult times like this.
I’ve been suscribed for roughly 10 years. It’s good to see you again. i send you love peace and prosperity
i want you to know that your not alone in this feeling as someone who has been clean from SH for almost a year i do fear the day my scars heal and that one none of my pain will have matter and that the people who never get out the cycle pain will be forgotten, i struggle with it every day your doing amazing and your not alone and ive loved your videos since i was very young thank you for continuing all that you do 💗
i'm so happy your new meds are working, we can definitely tell - you are much lighter in spirits and glowing!
What you are feeling is absolutely normal and it's probably a form of disassociation (your mind de-attachs from that period in time as a form of sensory comfort and processing)
Everything you're going through is okay to do. Breathe and mourn and paint and write letters to that younger self if it helps...
People nowadays through "Living funerals" for themselves as a way to accept their ends , to say good bye to loved one if they have a terminal illness, and you should throw one to mourn your baby self
I have a looot of issues with dissociation and have a lot of episodes where it’s really severe. So you’re probably right on the money with that 😭 I really like the suggestions you’ve given, I’ll absolutely start looking into those ways to express that side of me. thank you ❤
I started watching you when I was a teenager , when you had your feedings , and animal hauls .
I’m now 23 years old ,
When you were in addiction I was too , you motivated me to get clean myself .
so thank you , keep posting , you have no idea how many random strangers you just helped by talking about it .
Addiction is a subject nobody ever wants to talk about , let’s keep talking .
I've been sober for around 4ish years. I'm proud of you! Thank you for being brave and thank you for fighting
I can relate to you in SO MANY WAYS.I have EDS and bipolar depression. Although some people don't view it as an addiction, I started struggling a lot with food and developed anorexia. I went to rehab a few years ago and have also been in remission for my addiction. Listening to your fears and thought processes is so comforting as someone who has experienced something similar and feels the same. I really appreciate you going public with your full story, it genuinely feels so validating for what others have gone through. You're so strong and I'm so proud of you!
❤❤ omg, didn’t expect you to articulate my exact experience. Once I was consistently feeling better, I didn’t necessarily want to be so involved with my illness anymore, I wanted to leave it behind me, which often feels like a disservice to my past self and sufferings, and for everyone living and battling with the condition. I understand completely what you mean.
I hate how much I relate to teachers and peers giving you a hard time for missing school, and experiencing this during college rn and assuming everyone thinks I’m a slack and lying and questioning if my flare up is even real or if I’m doing it to myself. Invisible illness is so hard. Thank you for sharing your story
omg!!!! u were one of the first youtubers i ever watched i have no idea how i lost your channel you are so strong and beautiful for sharing your story i wish u all the best girly 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
Even tho you’re sick you look and sound amazing. You look healthy and you sound like you’re happy again ❤
YOU are the tangible object that came from healing. YOU are the piece of art that represents that experience: the healthier, new you is the thing we get to keep and admire.
I really relate to the fear of forgetting. I am also 2.5 years out of active cancer treatment and even though it was hell I am proud of myself for getting through it - I think this is similar to your addiction experience because you went through hell but you got out and that is something to be very proud of.
One of my siblings suffered from addiction for a very long time. It started so early and I was so young that by the time she left home we bad never formed a sibling bond. I loved the idea of her, but she was beyond my reach.
I learned more as I got older, but all anyone said is "she chose drugs over her family" and "she ruined her own life". And she certainly did make her choices. But it never sat well with me, once I became an adult, how no one acknowledged how at-risk she was. Addiction is genetic, and it was rampant in our family. Her father took off when she was a toddler and made a new family. Our mother abused all of us so badly, but my sister was her scapegoat and the target of our mother's worse abuses. All of us other kids were raised being told that she was bad and didn't care about us. Quite frankly, she didn't have a reason to get help- she thought no one loved her and felt like she wasn't worthy of it. I think she was just dragging herself along waiting for it all the end. Her ex husband used a lot of the same abuse tactics on her as you experienced, and at that point he was all she had.
I don't know what did or didn't happen to finally got her to start living. But one day, I saw her post a new picture on Facebook and it brought me to my knees. She gained weight. She was chubby. She was glowing. She was smiling. It was the first time I'd ever seen her that way in my entire life. And even if we'll never have the relationship we should have, I know thst she's finally found a reason to really live and that's enough for me. I am so so happy she made it, and somehow I think she's gonna be okay.
Cried while listening to your video and while typing this. I guess the reason I share this is that, no matter how bad it's gotten or how unworthy you might feel, you are not unredeemable. There is someone waiting for you on the other side, whether they're from your past or part of your future. Much love.
I hope you reach out to her ❤
I've watched you before you got into a relationship with ur ex (ur ex who i was very familiar bc im 30, chronically online and i like that kinda music). I remember seeing video titles and reading a few things about your relationship at that time - remembering who he is and (quite frankly) how young you were. That's when I just quietly went to a different part of the internet. I've always been around here since you came back, I'm really proud of you because for a long time I really did genuinely worry about you.
my dad passed away in 2023 from an overdose. we were never as close as we could've been because of his addiction. watching your videos on thee topic honestly comforts me, I never fully knew what he was going through until it was too late, but your videos bring some understanding. love you t, proud of you
I'm almost a year and a half sober from severe alcoholism and I relate to this SO HARD. Your videos on this topic give me a lot more grace towards myself for not being further than I THINK I should be.❤
I’ve never heard someone else talk about not wanting the suffering to go to waste. I’m currently trying to heal from anxiety and depression and, as you know, it’s Hell. I think it’s some sunk cost fallacy combined with Stockholm syndrome thing going on where since we’ve spent so much of our lives doing nothing but wishing for it to somehow end, that we should get something out of it. The thought of all that time just being wasted is unbearable. Also the not knowing what’s on the other side of all this and being, as Radiohead put it, “comfortably numb”.
But, I think you just talking about your experience is enough to have not let it gone to waste. Maybe it’s not “Art” with a capital A but it’s still relatable, human and makes us feel and think deeply about your and by extension our struggles. You speak so eloquently about it all and I’ve gained insights about my own journey through your words. Very valuable stuff in my opinion. Thank you so much and I’m so glad you’re doing better ❤
hey Taylor,
just wanted to say it put a smile on my face from one addict to another to see you on my feed.
You come across my mind often, I know if it’s been a while and I haven’t seen a video of yours that probably isn’t a great thing, but I don’t ever want to assume that.
I just always pray that you are okay and if not that god finds your way back on the path you so desperately want to be on and nothing more.
just know you always have people that pray for you regardless if you are aware or not, and I hope that comforts you in times when you feel like you may not have much comfort at all because trust me I know those times all too well, unfortunately.
wishing you nothing but the best.. just pure happiness and i mean pure happiness not the fake shit, nothing more nothing less.
Glad to see you back on your feet love please stay on this path. We all know you can and if you somehow veer off to the off beaten one, just know you can always find your way back… no matter the number of times it is….
nobody’s counting but you babygirl.
we love you.
I watched you so much late middle/ early high school (i’m 22), watching your videos bring me so much nostalgia and peace. i’m so glad to see that youre okay. you are amazing and as someone who struggles with mental health its affirming to see that we all do make it out somehow, someway.
Same!!!!!
12:58 perfectly described a feeling i deal with and carry very often, thank you
i used to rewatch ur animal videos over and over when i was younger and i didnt really realize u went threw this much and now im older im starting to understand and actually related to some of your feelings and im so proud you recovering keep going as ur fan i hope you the best okay :D
The talk at the beginning of no longer knowing who you are I feel it. I’m not an addict but since becoming a mom I know nothing else. I don’t even know who I was before I don’t know who I will be once my son starts school. But like your pets. He is why I am here he is why I’m trying
I’m so proud of you (from the one with a sister with pws)
I’m usually a really silent viewer but I’m almost 18 now and I would check in on your channel since I was in middle school about. I’m so glad you’re finding yourself and finding your way towards true recovery from everything. I really pray that you can completely let go of the past! Love you Taylor!
I used to watch your early videos when I worked in exotics, so happy to see you're in a better place. Settling back into yourself after living in survival mode for so long feels like waking up after sleeping for a century.
i’ve watched you for over ten years when i was a little little girl i always waited for your videos they brought me comfort i was too small to understand and relate to what you went thought but now seeing this and going through a similar experience makes me want to get better for me and my peys
I think your testimony is the most powerful thing you can create from the experience you went through. It wasn't for nothing!! You're able to use your platform to spread awareness and show others who are struggling that recovery is so possible! Remember to be kind to yourself, because you're more powerful than you give yourself credit for!
Taylor this is so fucking powerful, thank you, like I will keep your words with me forever. I’ve never felt so understood, and seen through another human’s experience. I see you💗
11:17 😢 drawing , painting, writing, all of these things can show parts of what you experience you can create what you felt in those moments 😢
The part where you talked about not wanting to let go of your old self, being scared of forgetting and almost betraying yourself hits so close to home !!! I struggled with a very similar feeling, thinking i couldn't let go of my anger and bitterness because those were the reasons i survived and i felt like letting go was straight up betrayal towards my old self who got me this far. I never thought i'd hear someone speak about this feeling so clearly. I can tell you for sure that it will be rlly scary and hard but you will get to a place where you can let go, and even create from the nothingness.
You will literally never forget unfortunately. But you will continue to see the sunshine through the storm
You validated so many fears with this video and I think you also are immortalized in internet at least this history because our memories and history is part of us
I relate so heavily to everything you said about identity and not knowing how to interact early in recovery, and especially how it feels when you get time and distance from your addiction and feeling somewhat of a weird loss and fear of forgetting what it was like. Its such a bizarre feeling. Ive got 3.5 years sober right now and spent 13 years using IV heroin/fent and meth.. lived in tents, cars, trap houses, hotels.. went months without access to showers.. etcetc and Im getting to a point where Im beginning to take for granted having a home and access to a shower and forgetting how grateful I felt to just be alive and free from waking up sick with nothing.
Same story here❤ even though that part of us was sick, it was what we needed to survive at that time, and we loved our addiction for that reason. That makes it almost nostalgic to look back on, but then we have to remember the bad times… the pain, the assaults, the shame… I see you ❤
how could you express all the things I feel ? best video ever ❤ glad you comeback
Addiction, to me, was always about self medication for emotional pain that is very real (still very real). It was a relief from hurting and dealing with unresolved trauma.
I had panic attack today. Trying to wash out my brain, I scrolled through internet and found This video. I could finally calm down and listen to something. Your words are so relatable to me,, I don’t have addictive disorder, but I am struggling with depression for so long time. I understand your words about not wanting to forget the feeling of despair but wanting to get better so fucking bad. This is so ironic,,but it’s what I feel every second of my life. Thank you for making this video and reminding me of the thoughts inside my head. It is such a complicated feeling to express and to comprehend, so I am so grateful to know I am not alone waking in the harsh path of life. I wish one day we will be able to know the whole meaning of everything. Until then, I will do my best to not give up on myself. Again, thank you for making this video.
I'm going on 7 years now, I relate to alot of the things you said, aswell as the more time goes on, the weirder it feels looking back. Oh yea, that's so dang accurate!
Thanks for sharing, be well 🏹
So happy to see you back ❤ I’ve been following you for years. Keep your head up !
I'm 2 and a half years clean too! So happy for us🤍
we do recover! I wish you the best as you continue your journey in recovery!!
It brings me to (happy) tears to see the light back in your eyes. So so so proud of you Taylor. As someone who struggles with addiction & has watched loved ones struggle with it as well, it’s so hard to work through & recover. Sending all the love to u and ur animals
Your eyes are so bright Taylor, I've been watching you since 2017ish, I think you where still working at petco at the time. I am so, so proud of you. Watching your journey helped me, especially with toxic relationships. Thank you for surviving, thank you for fighting, thank you to your support system. You deserve the best
When you said that your animals and family are the only reasons you’re still here it hit me really hard because I have been there. That’s honestly exactly how I’ve felt when my depression got really bad and I wanted to end things. My love for my pets and family kept me here. I so often thought if I didn’t have my family and pets I would not be here anymore. I’m glad you are still here. Mental health and addiction are really tough to handle.
Okaaayyy we are both in our era of owning up to shit that was hard to even admit to in the past!!!!!
It feel strange and so foreign to be open and vulnerable, but I’m trying to work on it. Looks like you are too ❤🎉
What you said around 15:25 was so well put. I’ve never found a way to put into words that feeling.