Is this issue unique to us or do you guys also have this conversations? Let us know in the comments!!! Much love, John & Pat - Our Socials: John - / johnathanchua Pat - / patrinathy #johnpatcross
As a guy John speaks how generally guys think. Sometimes we really just cannot remember about lunch conversations or even what happen during the day. Guys have this delete button? Is not we don't share but really nothing. 😅 watching shows is zone out time 😂😂
@@RaphJonathanTan if u think its always gonna be about something...if its nothing u wouldnt have thought in the first place! thats why it drives women bonkers! thats their standpoint on it 🤣🤣 women just likes to know what there man is thinking so they feel engaged with him mentally and also physically
I don't think about nothing... its just that quite ALOT of things in life especially in 1st world country like SG just doesn't matter at all in the grand scheme of things..
I feel the issue at hand is not so much about not having "good communication," but rather a distinction in the desires for communication between men and women. For many women, there is a strong desire for intimate conversation. They feel heard, understood, and loved when someone asks about their day and engages in discussions about their experiences and feelings. This is an innate desire for most women. On the other hand, many men do not share the same level of desire for intimate conversation. They often value moments of peace and quiet more. To women: If your partner isn't engaging in intimate conversation as much, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love or care about you. It's important to recognize that he may have different emotional needs and expresses them in a different way. To men: Be aware of your partner's innate desire for intimate conversation. You don't have to talk about yourself, but making an effort to ask about her day and engage in conversations about her life can make a significant difference in the relationship
Hello! Yes I agree that not communication enough doesn’t mean he don’t love you. He shows love in a different way and I see it. 😊 Thanks for the thoughts! - Pat
John, this might be the best channel you have created this far. Absolutely love the content from this channel. Really brings out the real and technical problems in a normal relationship and getting to talk about it is often better than just ignoring it.
I resonate with John on this and can empathise with Pat, thank you for sharing so openly on your relationship 💕 it is true that some people wish to be heard, understood and seen, wish that their partner would ask “how’s your day” that’s the way they feel loved, while some people may wish to have some space to decompress after a long and stressful day. Everyone has different ways to feel loved and deal with life, it is nice seeing couple making effort to try to understand one another, even if they may not fully understand each other but it is the effort of trying ❤ It is really an art of balance, trying to give what your partner needs while setting healthy boundaries..
Glad that y’two putting this out! something similar happened to me in my 1st r/s for 6 years. after going thru it, actually woman are simple, all they want is gesture and effort as for jon, totally feel you! i was in a pretty dark place cuz of family background (financially that brings mental toil)and wanting to give the best for my then-partner, in the end there’s lots of things kept inside, exploded afterwards. Based on the topics and podcast you’ve been on (for jon), r/s with your partner is the same as the r/s with ourselves, the compartmentalise between personal and work has to be distinctive and carefully thought out. Never assume what we want the best for them is what they really want. The simplest communication actually matters, not what we say, but how we say it is the crucial part. 😅 Ship y’both!!!
Thanks for sharing, John and Pat. Your situation/ couple dynamic is very relatable to me. My partner too is a very chatty individual who loves to share everything about herself and her day to me and i'm the complete opposite, who doesn't have much to share about my day because its very routine or that I simply don't recall or have anything valuable to share with her. I feel like it is just the difference between a male and female's DNA lol. Try to understand this difference and accommodate each other, but also make effort to organise events and create memories, so that the relationship doesn't stagnate!
Definitely had this convo before and felt like him wanting alone time = disinterest in me. But recently he went away to visit his family for 3 weeks and I was so surprised at how much I loved my alone time! It was empowering to feel like my happiness isn’t as dependent on him as much as I thought, and I’m free to enjoy activities/food he disliked/had no interest in. Of course, this doesn’t diminish my love for him and I still enjoy date nights. I guess the takeaway is that learning to enjoy alone time is great not just for me, but for our relationship too :)
I can't believ this vid speaks exactly the right pain point with me and my bf. We just have few fights recently about this thing and now I know what to do ❤ share this vid & talk on the expectation ❤
This is so true - different couples, different backgrounds, different dynamics. The most important thing is just to always communicate. I came from a 'typical non-communicative family', especially from my absent dad figure. As a man, it is difficult, and I had to learn about this throughout the years with my present partner. It took courage and humility. But when we are both able to embrace, talk, and listen, it is totally worth it. Jia you to both of you! :)
I feel that John and Pat complement each other… Just imagine if Pat does not initiate conversations, it’ll just be 2 people not talking in the same house 🤣 Guess just need to strike a balance. I’m a girl and I too need some time to just zone out and not engage in conversations.. but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy my partner’s company. I do enjoy his presence and just him being there even if we don’t talk. God bless y’all! ❤
awww i love this video, watched it 2 times hahaha! Love how real you guys are and how relatable you guys are! Thank you for being so open to us in sharing, it really makes us feel that we are not alone in this❤️ Can't wait to try the 3 kisses to end the day btw!🤣
Very relatable! Personally I also have tons of things to tell my partner everyday and we talk until near 12am till his eyes are closing but i continue to talk (poor thing). Sometimes he holds it on for me and goes 'can i sleep already i cannot liao' HAHA! I would ask him how did his lunch go etc. at first and now he automatically tells me interesting stuff that happened in his day. As an only child, there was not much conversations at home growing up with the parents, hence i grew up feeling very alone and realised it affected my communication skills at times during my teens to young adult years. Go school, go home, hide in room - this was my life. Used to chat on chat rooms a hell lot (IRC, MSN) for years to let out that part of me. Because of this, I am jealous of EVERY person on this earth who has a sibling (cherish yours!) but i am glad I've now found someone who is willing to listen to my daily nonsense :)
My husband and I are married for 24 years. Yes, I did at some point feel that he doesn't talk to me. Then I also get frustrated like why we got nothing to talk about. Then slowly, I learn that he's not the type who feel the need to rant when he's had a tough day cos I think talking about it stresses him out even more. So now I'm comfortable with just not talking cos I think we reach the stage where we kinda understand each other quite well and we don't need to fill the space'/void with conversations. I do my thing, he does his, then I share and if he feel like it he share. No pressure on anyone to talk every day. That's just us. Every couple is different, so gotta find your own balance in communication. And after 24 years, we still date at least once a week to keep the relationship going.
I love these videos! Hahaha! I see me in the both of you. For the longest time i couldnt express myself being like that, but thank you for showing me this. I can now verbalise my behaviours.
It’s so sweet that John is pat’s happy place before she goes to work the next day. I just wanna spend time with my phone and feel empty after a whole day at work, and night routine with the kids… I’d prob go crazy if my partner wants to talk.
Deep episode. Glad that Pat wants more, not necessary more as in it is not enough, but more because I'm addicted to you more. John, some times you need to slow down to go faster, can't always carry everything on your shoulder
I feel Pat cos i also face the same issue where my hub seems to have “nothing” to talk to me about whilst i’d like to spark a convo about anything 😅 During meal times, i’d not use my phone but he’d (granted im a slower eater than him). This started a no. of years back (n we’re into our 15th yr of marriage). i understand he wants his “me” time after work but during meal times i wished he wouldnt glue to his phone. Having said these, our rs is still good! Communication takes effort regardless how well we understand each other, takes both hands to clap. Happy that you both managed to work it out!
Some ways that could help 1. Have common goals. (Eg targets on making money or if you guys started an organization or biz venture together it wld be great) for many couples it is how to make their kid smarter. But I think that shouldn’t be a reason to have a kid. 2. You always have stuff to say, like how your work is stressful just that you think it’s shit and you don’t want to bring negativity to your wife. You could reframe everything that happened positively. Eg this was tough but this other colleague kept helping me even though it was so hard. 3. What you guys face is common among couples who have dated for a long time. It takes effort to reinvent yourself and start dating your spouse again but it’s worth it. You both will love each other even more after the process 🥳
I have been following TDK for quite a while but since pat isnt on the show much (or maybe it's just me who have not seen her appear on TDK), I only just realised that pat can really articulate her thoughts well. 👍anyway john, I think many people can really relate to "nothing much happened" in a day, and u may find details such as what u ate for lunch boring for the other party, I also think so as well (fun fact, I was also brought up in a family where nobody really asks me about what I do in school or the little things that happened to me daily, maybe u are on to something here). but in recent years, after taking a deeper look on how old couples maintain their relationships on youtube or documentaries or whatnot, the constant thing that kept appearing was "the little things matter", which also convinced me that it is important to share these details regardless of how big or how small they are, to people who are and wants to be present in my life on a daily basis. side note, I'm not a counsellor, but counsellors often advise changing up routines to keep things fresh or spice things up in a relationship, not sure how applicable is that to your 3-kisses routine, or anything else for that matter. absolutely enjoying your content so far 😁
As a divorcee who’s dating someone else and has a fare share of other dates, I feel that this has been a constant struggle between men and women (in general, the roles can change) a lot of guys like me just want to relax, we are super happy to just do our own things or do things together. Whereas for women I feel that they want to share a lot and want to know about their partners day, which I think it’s perfectly fine. As a divorcee, I now look at compatibility ALOT and how I define it is, how easy is it for us to live with each other. There can very well be a guy who likes to party all day and his partner just want to stay home and read books, then I would say it will be hard for them to live with each other. Not say cannot, just harder. I think there will definitely be differences regardless of how similar we are, but we should communicate our concerns, appreciations and all so that our partners are aware of it. Many times as men we were taught to just suck it up and don’t have to bother our partners but that is actually very selfish. We are depriving them an opportunity to help us, or know us better or heck, even be there as a listening ear is already helping. Anyway I think you both are very mature and knows how to love more than a lot of us out there and please work out. I really enjoy your videos and it’ll be very sad when 2 perfectly capable and loving person fell out because of whatever reasons
I feel when I watch your couples videos, I can see love and maturity within u guys and when u guys talk, is really very funny and cute, hope to have the same relationship as u guys🥹
As a DINK married couple of 5 years, I totally relate to this video. Convos between spouses tend to stagnate when we become so used to seeing each other every day and we run out of new things to share with each other. Asking about your partner’s day is one way to start convos but sometimes after a tiring work day, the last thing I wanna hear is about his work/colleagues. It really takes constant effort and work to sustain a relationship and keep it interesting!
I would to share this, my hubby is someone who is very open up with his emotions. He will tell me every single detail about what he had been. We are hair stylist working together salon. I only can say all man are different, so maybe you all are right. Some space is good, is good for you all to open up and talk things out. My hubby is someone who want to hear what I am feeling daily. And I have change towards what he wants. Cheers to your and your hubby. You are lovely couple!!!
I’m a female and i’m experiencing this. My husband is the one doing the talking most of the time and giving me question prompts. 🤣 My answer is always “like that lor”, “nothing much happened leh” For the past 9 years of being together, he never failed to text me during lunchtime asking if i had lunch already, what did i eat. Who was in office with me today.
As a female, i totally relate to john 😮 i totally need my alone and quiet time just zoning out especially on weekdays or at the end of any long day. Which is just about everyday except maybe sat😂 thankfully my husband is similar so we spent hours doing our own thing in our own personal spaces at home before we share a moment together before bed. You can say at the end of a long day we both need our alone time, it can be watching tv or reading or just scrolling through the phone but like john says, giving the mind a break. As a female, i really find this alone time precious in our busy lives as it gives me time recollect myself and my thoughts and to recover from the trauma of the day, brain emptying i would say 😂 but when we have renewed our energies, we spend a lot of time as a couple on our common interests. As an introvert, im not big on talking, like endless talking exhaust me regardless who it is, but when we have a topic to discuss as a couple, we enjoy diving in. Really i find it important to observe the mood of my partner, if i can tell he is not in the mood, il keep the chat for another time. Unless really urgent. Regardless, when i need to talk, he would put everything down to listen. But i don’t like to chat endlessly unless there is a good topic😂we enjoy spending time exploring places n interests n chatting about our opinions on our free days
Love the video guys, gonna give my 2 cents about this. Maybe do a sociable hobby together? Like boardgames! Yes even with two people. There's tons of less thinky boardgames for 2 people. There's an interesting one called Fog Of Love, its meant for couples. Sorry for the boardgame plug!. But many other couples go through such things too!
I absolutely empathise with John when he mentions about not being able to watch shows with reality due to the high levels stress happening in our lives. We just need some form of escapism to unwind and actually relax. However, at that point in my life I was single. Now things are better and now I do have partner. This has prompted me to think how we should communicate these stressors to our partners too. Sometimes, it isn't obvious that these need to be communicated too.
Hahahaha that chocolate cake part! it's pat's fav 😂😂My husband and i have a ME TIME, we will tell each other 'okay, me time time!' We would go do our own things till we're done and we will find each other and get ready for bed together! We would watch netflix and don't talk too cos we're enjoying the show together. Thanks for sharing this video too, ❤ it's really a problem many couples faced when staying together of not talking to each other compared to texting the whole day.
Similar dynamics in my pair. I do a lot of micro learning / podcast listening in the day and usually use these as conversational topics in my marriage. Sometimes, my spouse doesn't have the headspace to absorb what I'm saying. So I'd share those same knowledge in a monotonous documentary voice to help put him to sleep. BTW, after watching this, I'm starting to feel that the light fixture was a good investment 😂
I can relate with John. I think the experiences and stress is further amplified as an entrepreneur, it is near impossible to fully disconnect from work. Your mind is always working all the time, from how to improve the business, client feedback, to reflecting on past experiences and taking away new concepts/learnings daily while thinking about how to apply them etc. It's information overload. Mundane daily routines or information just do not stick with us because we got to prioritize the information to retain in our heads. It's like if you ask what did I eat or did today, I have no clue or can't remember. Hence, zoning out is important not just to clear head space but to rather reprioritize useful information and dump useless ones. If conversation or questions were focused on growth areas such as, 3 concepts you guys have learnt for the day or my biggest concerns for the week, I think conversation quality will be improved. In my relationships, I make it point for us to converse with each other like a daily reflection model, sharing learnings for the day and action plans etc. Fulfils the need for conversations while ensuring conversation topics are not fluff.
tbvh, I think communication is very important in a relationship..... like I grew up sharing things that happened in school with my mum so that at least I can share my worries or anger with someone... but when I grew up, I didn't share my worries anymore because I'm scared that I will worry my mum too 😳😳😳
Pat, it’s normal for most men to zone or space out! It’s like their brains cannot contain too many things and need to discharge them before they can load new things! Happens all the time for my hubby too. After being together for 21 years since school days, I now learnt it’s “time for him to recharge his social and emotional battery”…. ❤ The thing is that most women like us likes to put self blame and overthink that we are imposing ourselves or my bf or man don’t love me or lost interest. Don’t go down that rabbit hole! It’s great that you guys are having the conversation early! ❤
21 years?! Oh wow! Yea, I’ve learnt that it’s quite normal in most relationship. But I wanted to understand more from him hence the topic. Thank you for your word of wisdom! 🙏🏼 - Pat
Hellooo love u guys!! This conversation sounds like one i had with my bf😂 BUT its slightly different because we're in a ldr so i cant say that i 100% relate but i do get where both of you are coming from To pat: as to why john doesnt want to talk sometimes, its not because he loves u less or is not as enthusiastic as you, its just the way men are wired, they just need some time to recharge and zone out To john: dont feel too bad about it, im sure you love her a lot and you're just trying your best I think the recipe to this solution is 2 tablespoons of balance and a pinch of respect for each others personal space hahahha but who am i to comment, u guys probably know better than i do. Anyways i appreciate the raw conversation! Thank you for giving us a glimpse into your relationship and lives
OMG totally relatable of the nothing to say part with your partners. Asking questions seems like a good idea. But then again for me maybe there’s some question both do not wish to be asked haha
I get what John is saying too, the solitude time is me in the toilet watching videos (like right now) just so that the brain goes offline for a while and yes the missus also does complain about this but I guess that's just what men would do to have a certain quiet time after a very long day. Nothing's wrong with our day, all's good but this "break" is a much deserved one when we can have it.
ok this one i gotta give it to john or a man in general, we really really got nothing to share, my biggest dilemma question is "how are you?" or "what have you been up to" or "hows your day/week?" frankly, either i dont remember how my day went, or what details happened during my day/week or its so trivial i dont see a point talking about it. i think its not a john thing, its a man thing. our brains work differently than women. It could also be a gender / childhood thing where either boys dont get attention as much as girls or we've been shut down whenever we try to share or express ourselves. its sad but its true, reality
i agree with you as a guy too. sometimes we just really have nothing to talk about and just go into the zone where are heads are just plain empty(zoning) .Like if people ask us questions is either really nth much happened throughout the day or we just feel the other party is not interested in what occurred in a day of our life's. Childhood and other factors like social circle, work or even family in general can play a part in this kind of scenarios like maybe some of us prefer our alone time to be alone with our thoughts to unwind while some when prompted with a question will give brief replies and to them its already a lot for them as like john said throughout the day, we are being over-stimulated by the things we do so like we are naturally tired when we come home and just prefer to think of nothing. I think best solution is to communicate with your partner and come to a compromise like if there is anything to share then share or once in awhile just check up on them how they are doing
I can relate to John, but I think it’s due to the difference in families’ home cultures. Working in a fast-paced environment and running a technology website on the side, similar to what John said, I need time to unwind. I too sit in my car after I parked. It could be just scrolling through social media sites or reading the news. The quietness in the car is a safe haven for me to calm my mind before heading home to my spouse. It’s not about her, but it’s about me. Perhaps it’s an introvert’s trait. That said, maybe I can get those conversation cards. I’ve seen them recently and they sound like fun!
Women speak an average of 20,000 words a day vs. 7,000 words for men. I didnt understand men back then, forcing my then husband to share everything which end up hurting our relationship. Only until i took up a course in feiyue, it talked about relationship then i know i make alot of mistakes. My suggestion for you guys is to create busket list and do things together, then you eventually will have things to talk and share with each other. Stay loving.. 😊
i totally understand how you feel and maybe you are right that there is nothing to talk about because there is no 3rd member in your family now. My suggestion is to get a pet (dog preferrably) to keep the daily life interesting and something to always discuss about :)
see right, marriage is two persons becoming one. so logically, at a certain point, you have already shared so much with each other that you're already in sync - the only thing left to sync up is the goings-on of each new day. so sometimes if there's really nothing to update, then there's nothing to update - so in this, I'm with john when he says there's nothing to share about. BUT clearly there WAS stuff to talk about - stress at work, the need to take time out, etc. - so in this, I think john should have spent the time to sync up this side with pat.
Everything you both said is things that me and my partner have talked about MANY TIMES! - girls love to give context probably because alot of the way we speak to each other is through body language and actions. Whereas guys seem to want to just give the bullet point version and then give context when asked. The best way for us to be more effective, was to try to understand why both sides communicates it that way, rather than only what actions needs to be emulated. We need to make sure we cater for the why and not just the what. eg. Girl says "Pat asked me for lunch" (with context that we are trying to grow our relationship closer to manager Pat). Boy might thinks it's irrelevant, but for us the detail matters because later we will update you on our improving relationship with Pat and this "invite to lunch" contributes to the context! Once guys know that we do it for context, then you might understand why we said "Pat asked us for lunch" instead of just saying we just ate lunch. You can put in more thoughtful details by saying , you eat Prawn mee for lunch but it wasn't as good as the usual one (by doing this, show care that prawn mee is her fav food)
The part when you guys mentioned that maybe people have kids because the house is too quiet was the same exact convo my partner and I had! I think being in this DINK phase, things are very stable and predictable. Usually both partners have stable jobs and have settled down with house and car. Life seems almost too easy at this stage and I think based on evolution, our minds are wired to ponder about having kids because something is “missing”. But tbh, having kids because you’re bored or feel like something is missing doesn’t seem to be good reasons to have kids.
As a woman, I'm just like John! I think working as a C-suite personnel is really hyper-stimulating during the day. It feels like the whole world is coming to me to problem-solve or to seek my advice. I go home sitting in the car in the car park just staring into space and allowing the air con to gently blow at me while I soak in the quietness and allow my brain to rest. Sometimes I get that solitude in the shower too but most times I'm rushing in and out of showers as well. I also cannot bear to watch shows that are about real life situations and can only fall into good sleep to sounds of cartoons playing on TV. John, perhaps you can try watching tutorials of simple skills like how to design a PPT slide better, how to play ukulele, learn to speak Japanese etc on TH-cam which helped distract me from an overstimulated mind yet engaging me enough to not let my brain wander endlessly and sometimes back to work. I too can't think of things to tell my husband because the day was so hectic, where do I start?? So I decided I've to talk about a particular subordinate that I work closely with and it's like a walking diary regurgitation which gave me conversation topics on a daily basis.
Everyone needs alone time no matter how loving the couple is. Talking about your day to your partner is necessary and natural. Also get a dog or cat if not having kids yet.
My husband said the same thing like John. He only share things that add value to the family. Pat, you are not alone. Why not adopt a child to fill up your life. Just a suggestion 😊
Guys, especially those nearer to the introverted spectrum, prefer to have an empty mind when we unwind. We don't archive the episodes we encounter in our day and take them out again to recount the whole thing because it's quite taxing to recount, pointless and to re-experience the whole (mundane) thing again. The outside repetitive world of predictable dramas and outcomes don't really interest us and we don't see and feel an interest to repeat similar episodes or stories for every tom, dick and harry we come across. We're most interested in freshness, unique ideas, thoughts, or anything that we seldom or have not come across, some new spark to wash away the every mundane-ness when we unwind.
Hope this doesn't come across too pedantic... but if you're referring to "rive gauche", it's pronounced "reev goush" and not "river gor-shay" 😅 In many ways y'all's relationship really mirror my boyfriend's and mine, except with the genders flipped, and I have my head-empty-no-thoughts moment in the shower rather than the car lol. I too work in an industry (creative) where it's mentally hyper-stimulating, and you really feel a disproportionate personal stake in the work. After 8-12 hours straight of that, when you get home, it's really difficult to simply drop all of those thoughts like a hot potato and hit "clear browser history" on your mind, without first creating some sort of mental and emotional freeway off-ramp. So given the similar dynamics in my own relationship, it's really nice to hear both John and Pat articulate their POVs; one feels relatable (John's), while the other illuminating (Pat's).
Men have this ‘nothing box’ in their head where we open it and live that time alone. Very contented after that, women do not own such a box in their head. I own 5 of these ‘nothing boxes’ . Hahaha
Married guy here. I think the issue here is that Pat on one hand has to decompress by unloading onto Jon, I think this part is pretty evident given Pat is quite an outspoken wife with the seemingly jovial and high energy. But Jon on the other hand decompress by not processing anything, else Pat would have to absorb Jon's energy. My wife and I are somewhat similar to both of you. My wife shares about everything and is always talking to me. Naturally sometimes I just zone out with the "uh, ya, orh" replies. Its not that I dont care. I listen but I dont over process it because I know my presence is needed to let her unload her day and all I have to do is let her unload. My wife understands that as well. Theres is always that yin and yang in a relationship
Aiyoh Pat. Sis, men just dont need to communicate lah!! They dont know how. Dont have the urge. So you ask him lah. Yes like interview. Men are LIKE THAT LAH bro!!!!! Thought every girl in a relationship knows this. 😅
I can totally related to the 15mins (alone/me time), but its not that i don't want my girlfriend to be with me. I work in a client facing role, and having that down time is extremely important, sadly it is hard to communicate that thought without sounding offensive
Lol my hubby is like that too. Men in general don't really talk that much. And we don't have kids. Haha end up we got 5 cats. So now we have more discussion coz of the cats.😂😂😂😂
I don't think that lack of communication is the main criteria for stagnating relationships. A stagnating relationship is more than that. Sometimes love can be just looking at each other without saying anything. Is the way how messages are conveyed across to each other. Like pat's love language is words, john's love language is action?
This is exactly why girls find that most guys are so bad at "spilling tea". Males are genetically wired to prioritise safety for the family. Thus nothing really piques guys' interest unless it's got to do with fight for survival, territories and hierarchies(power). Let's use lion's pride as example. Females care for cubs, hunt for the pride. Doing all the "chores". Males sleep all day. But when it comes to territory disputes and mating rights, the males deliver huge fights. Energy is conserved as much as possible for big bouts as such. Females are what makes a home, a home. The thoughtfulness, extra care to details, adding flavour and spice into life. That's why females generally take better care of children and the home. And of course, in the modern world, the need to constantly worry over fighting, or being some animal's lunch, or killed by a neighbouring tribe aren't there anymore. Unfortunately, we can't change genetic memories etched for millenniums within a century or 2. However, both genders cannot play the "DNA/genetic" card. I suggest both genders should put in the effort to learn about each other's psychology, as well as their own needs, and potential shortcomings. Find out what are the needs of each other, and learn how to compromise, and fulfil those needs within reasonable means. Ladies, please understand that guy's are generally very simplistic. Be patient and teach him, spell it out to him, what you really need. Don't play games. Dropping hints does not work. You can adjust to be more subtle only AFTER he already understands what you need and want. Guys, you are very unlikely to die to a hungry animal, or killed by an enemy tribe, at any second of the day. Your purpose of being the protector and conserving energy to physically protect your family is a very weak argument in this day and age. So don't expect females to give you a free pass to laze around, or not pay attention to her psychological needs. A part of your energy is now freed up, thus better put it into a different use to improve your modern relationship. It's a constant learning process. A dance back and forth. And over time, we will find ourselves having lesser arguments over pretty minute stuff. That is improvement, that is a win. Key to this is both parties must put in the effort to understand each other. And not take advantage of each other's efforts and kindness.
Everyone, every couple is different, especially men, they like the blank mind moment, and only solve problems when they appear. Thus very common that man have nothing to talk, and enjoy silent moment; hope more women understand that it is norm.
Pat you need to look up the video the tale of 2 brains. Understand the. Concept of the nothing Box. After I shared it with my wife it was like the sky opened and she now can understand why I have nothing to say or am not thinking about anything.
Adopt a pet… it brought a lot of conversation with my parents but pls think it through before you proceed to adopt. I’ll suggest try fostering if this is a route you’ll like to consider
John compartmentalize, Pat doesn’t. John’s way of being a husband and not a worker is by not sharing. Pat’s way of being a wife is by sharing her life. I think days when you do and days when you don’t is a good way so both have their needs fulfilled.
This kind of argument is normal... What is more important is sticking to the commitment of marriage. ALOT of personal growth will ensue. Strap in, steel up and get ready for a roller coaster adventure
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Pat looks at John with a sparkle in her eyes, the love is so evident!
As a guy John speaks how generally guys think. Sometimes we really just cannot remember about lunch conversations or even what happen during the day. Guys have this delete button? Is not we don't share but really nothing. 😅 watching shows is zone out time 😂😂
guys can think about nothing, that very statement drives women bonkers🤣
@@RaphJonathanTan if u think its always gonna be about something...if its nothing u wouldnt have thought in the first place! thats why it drives women bonkers! thats their standpoint on it 🤣🤣
women just likes to know what there man is thinking so they feel engaged with him mentally and also physically
I don't think about nothing... its just that quite ALOT of things in life especially in 1st world country like SG just doesn't matter at all in the grand scheme of things..
I feel the issue at hand is not so much about not having "good communication," but rather a distinction in the desires for communication between men and women.
For many women, there is a strong desire for intimate conversation. They feel heard, understood, and loved when someone asks about their day and engages in discussions about their experiences and feelings. This is an innate desire for most women.
On the other hand, many men do not share the same level of desire for intimate conversation. They often value moments of peace and quiet more.
To women: If your partner isn't engaging in intimate conversation as much, it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love or care about you. It's important to recognize that he may have different emotional needs and expresses them in a different way.
To men: Be aware of your partner's innate desire for intimate conversation. You don't have to talk about yourself, but making an effort to ask about her day and engage in conversations about her life can make a significant difference in the relationship
Hello! Yes I agree that not communication enough doesn’t mean he don’t love you. He shows love in a different way and I see it. 😊 Thanks for the thoughts!
- Pat
I understand John, I feel similar where I need that 15min to relaxed down and change the mood from work to home.
John, this might be the best channel you have created this far. Absolutely love the content from this channel. Really brings out the real and technical problems in a normal relationship and getting to talk about it is often better than just ignoring it.
I resonate with John on this and can empathise with Pat, thank you for sharing so openly on your relationship 💕 it is true that some people wish to be heard, understood and seen, wish that their partner would ask “how’s your day” that’s the way they feel loved, while some people may wish to have some space to decompress after a long and stressful day. Everyone has different ways to feel loved and deal with life, it is nice seeing couple making effort to try to understand one another, even if they may not fully understand each other but it is the effort of trying ❤
It is really an art of balance, trying to give what your partner needs while setting healthy boundaries..
I agree it’s an art of balance. We’ll work on it! Thank you! 💪🏼
- Pat
Glad that y’two putting this out! something similar happened to me in my 1st r/s for 6 years.
after going thru it, actually woman are simple, all they want is gesture and effort
as for jon, totally feel you! i was in a pretty dark place cuz of family background (financially that brings mental toil)and wanting to give the best for my then-partner, in the end there’s lots of things kept inside, exploded afterwards.
Based on the topics and podcast you’ve been on (for jon), r/s with your partner is the same as the r/s with ourselves, the compartmentalise between personal and work has to be distinctive and carefully thought out. Never assume what we want the best for them is what they really want. The simplest communication actually matters, not what we say, but how we say it is the crucial part. 😅
Ship y’both!!!
Thanks for sharing, John and Pat. Your situation/ couple dynamic is very relatable to me. My partner too is a very chatty individual who loves to share everything about herself and her day to me and i'm the complete opposite, who doesn't have much to share about my day because its very routine or that I simply don't recall or have anything valuable to share with her. I feel like it is just the difference between a male and female's DNA lol. Try to understand this difference and accommodate each other, but also make effort to organise events and create memories, so that the relationship doesn't stagnate!
Yea, John tops it up in a lot of other ways other than vomiting his life to me. Hahahha!
- Pat
I reallllyyy enjoyed this video so much, thank you for sharing such an unfiltered, realistic representation of relationships!
I really feel you both. Trying to understand each other communication and compromising and listening and trying to love each other always! Keep going!
Thank you for your support! 🫶🏻
- Pat
Thankfulness is always a good start off point for having a better mindset in individuals and couples :)
Definitely had this convo before and felt like him wanting alone time = disinterest in me. But recently he went away to visit his family for 3 weeks and I was so surprised at how much I loved my alone time! It was empowering to feel like my happiness isn’t as dependent on him as much as I thought, and I’m free to enjoy activities/food he disliked/had no interest in. Of course, this doesn’t diminish my love for him and I still enjoy date nights. I guess the takeaway is that learning to enjoy alone time is great not just for me, but for our relationship too :)
Haha I totally relate to Pat leh, just want to talk, even talking nonsense. I feel sharing is one way to be more involve in each other life too! 😊
Yes!!! Thank you for sharing! I’m learning how to compromise. 🙂
- Pat
Thank you for sharing and for being so vulnerable :’)
I can't believ this vid speaks exactly the right pain point with me and my bf. We just have few fights recently about this thing and now I know what to do ❤ share this vid & talk on the expectation ❤
This is so true - different couples, different backgrounds, different dynamics. The most important thing is just to always communicate. I came from a 'typical non-communicative family', especially from my absent dad figure. As a man, it is difficult, and I had to learn about this throughout the years with my present partner.
It took courage and humility. But when we are both able to embrace, talk, and listen, it is totally worth it. Jia you to both of you! :)
Thank you for the encouragement! 🙏🏼
- Pat
yall r so real 🥺 and relatable!! i stopped watching youtube for so many years but im back because of this channel 🫶🏻
Awwwww! We are flattered! Thank you for supporting 🥹
- Pat
I feel that John and Pat complement each other…
Just imagine if Pat does not initiate conversations, it’ll just be 2 people not talking in the same house 🤣 Guess just need to strike a balance.
I’m a girl and I too need some time to just zone out and not engage in conversations.. but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy my partner’s company. I do enjoy his presence and just him being there even if we don’t talk.
God bless y’all! ❤
awww i love this video, watched it 2 times hahaha! Love how real you guys are and how relatable you guys are! Thank you for being so open to us in sharing, it really makes us feel that we are not alone in this❤️
Can't wait to try the 3 kisses to end the day btw!🤣
Hello! Thank you for your support! 🙏🏼 We are still learning to be the best version of ourselves 😊
- Pat
Very relatable! Personally I also have tons of things to tell my partner everyday and we talk until near 12am till his eyes are closing but i continue to talk (poor thing). Sometimes he holds it on for me and goes 'can i sleep already i cannot liao' HAHA! I would ask him how did his lunch go etc. at first and now he automatically tells me interesting stuff that happened in his day.
As an only child, there was not much conversations at home growing up with the parents, hence i grew up feeling very alone and realised it affected my communication skills at times during my teens to young adult years. Go school, go home, hide in room - this was my life. Used to chat on chat rooms a hell lot (IRC, MSN) for years to let out that part of me. Because of this, I am jealous of EVERY person on this earth who has a sibling (cherish yours!) but i am glad I've now found someone who is willing to listen to my daily nonsense :)
My husband and I are married for 24 years. Yes, I did at some point feel that he doesn't talk to me. Then I also get frustrated like why we got nothing to talk about. Then slowly, I learn that he's not the type who feel the need to rant when he's had a tough day cos I think talking about it stresses him out even more. So now I'm comfortable with just not talking cos I think we reach the stage where we kinda understand each other quite well and we don't need to fill the space'/void with conversations. I do my thing, he does his, then I share and if he feel like it he share. No pressure on anyone to talk every day. That's just us. Every couple is different, so gotta find your own balance in communication. And after 24 years, we still date at least once a week to keep the relationship going.
Oh wow 24 years?! Thank you for your word of wisdom!
- Pat
Relatable AF !! 😂 i didnt get it at first but i thought i got it and after watching this video more clarity has emerged 😊
As a married couple with no kid, this is soooo relatable!
I love these videos! Hahaha! I see me in the both of you. For the longest time i couldnt express myself being like that, but thank you for showing me this. I can now verbalise my behaviours.
Hello! Thank you for supporting! 🫶🏻
- Pat
i relate to this a lot!!!! thank u for sharing
It’s so sweet that John is pat’s happy place before she goes to work the next day. I just wanna spend time with my phone and feel empty after a whole day at work, and night routine with the kids… I’d prob go crazy if my partner wants to talk.
Hahahahaha! Talk a bit to your partner luh. Maybe you will find joy in it too! 😁
- Pat
Love this honesty!! ❤ Love this love~~
this episode is so real and good, I watched twice
Wa thanks for the support! 🫶🏻
- Pat
I'm a woman. And I don't understand this need to share and talk. Basically, everyone is different. It's got nothing to do with gender.
Wow. Drop your @ here if you’re single for the boys.
Deep episode. Glad that Pat wants more, not necessary more as in it is not enough, but more because I'm addicted to you more. John, some times you need to slow down to go faster, can't always carry everything on your shoulder
Yea you got what I mean! I don’t need things. But more so, company. 😊
- Pat
I feel Pat cos i also face the same issue where my hub seems to have “nothing” to talk to me about whilst i’d like to spark a convo about anything 😅 During meal times, i’d not use my phone but he’d (granted im a slower eater than him). This started a no. of years back (n we’re into our 15th yr of marriage). i understand he wants his “me” time after work but during meal times i wished he wouldnt glue to his phone. Having said these, our rs is still good! Communication takes effort regardless how well we understand each other, takes both hands to clap. Happy that you both managed to work it out!
Some ways that could help
1. Have common goals. (Eg targets on making money or if you guys started an organization or biz venture together it wld be great) for many couples it is how to make their kid smarter. But I think that shouldn’t be a reason to have a kid.
2. You always have stuff to say, like how your work is stressful just that you think it’s shit and you don’t want to bring negativity to your wife. You could reframe everything that happened positively. Eg this was tough but this other colleague kept helping me even though it was so hard.
3. What you guys face is common among couples who have dated for a long time. It takes effort to reinvent yourself and start dating your spouse again but it’s worth it. You both will love each other even more after the process 🥳
I have been following TDK for quite a while but since pat isnt on the show much (or maybe it's just me who have not seen her appear on TDK), I only just realised that pat can really articulate her thoughts well. 👍anyway john, I think many people can really relate to "nothing much happened" in a day, and u may find details such as what u ate for lunch boring for the other party, I also think so as well (fun fact, I was also brought up in a family where nobody really asks me about what I do in school or the little things that happened to me daily, maybe u are on to something here). but in recent years, after taking a deeper look on how old couples maintain their relationships on youtube or documentaries or whatnot, the constant thing that kept appearing was "the little things matter", which also convinced me that it is important to share these details regardless of how big or how small they are, to people who are and wants to be present in my life on a daily basis. side note, I'm not a counsellor, but counsellors often advise changing up routines to keep things fresh or spice things up in a relationship, not sure how applicable is that to your 3-kisses routine, or anything else for that matter.
absolutely enjoying your content so far 😁
You are both so cute n adorable. Good that you are talking this out. From an envious aunty who's old enough to be your mum/mil 😊
Hello! We are all young at heart!! 😁 Thank you for supporting this channel 🫶🏻
As a divorcee who’s dating someone else and has a fare share of other dates, I feel that this has been a constant struggle between men and women (in general, the roles can change) a lot of guys like me just want to relax, we are super happy to just do our own things or do things together. Whereas for women I feel that they want to share a lot and want to know about their partners day, which I think it’s perfectly fine. As a divorcee, I now look at compatibility ALOT and how I define it is, how easy is it for us to live with each other. There can very well be a guy who likes to party all day and his partner just want to stay home and read books, then I would say it will be hard for them to live with each other. Not say cannot, just harder. I think there will definitely be differences regardless of how similar we are, but we should communicate our concerns, appreciations and all so that our partners are aware of it. Many times as men we were taught to just suck it up and don’t have to bother our partners but that is actually very selfish. We are depriving them an opportunity to help us, or know us better or heck, even be there as a listening ear is already helping.
Anyway I think you both are very mature and knows how to love more than a lot of us out there and please work out. I really enjoy your videos and it’ll be very sad when 2 perfectly capable and loving person fell out because of whatever reasons
I feel when I watch your couples videos, I can see love and maturity within u guys and when u guys talk, is really very funny and cute, hope to have the same relationship as u guys🥹
Awwww thank you! Sprinkling love dust on you k! 🫶🏻
- Pat
As a DINK married couple of 5 years, I totally relate to this video. Convos between spouses tend to stagnate when we become so used to seeing each other every day and we run out of new things to share with each other. Asking about your partner’s day is one way to start convos but sometimes after a tiring work day, the last thing I wanna hear is about his work/colleagues. It really takes constant effort and work to sustain a relationship and keep it interesting!
I would to share this, my hubby is someone who is very open up with his emotions. He will tell me every single detail about what he had been. We are hair stylist working together salon. I only can say all man are different, so maybe you all are right. Some space is good, is good for you all to open up and talk things out.
My hubby is someone who want to hear what I am feeling daily. And I have change towards what he wants.
Cheers to your and your hubby. You are lovely couple!!!
Hello! Thank you! Yea, I’m learning to understand him better.
- Pat
How you two interact is absolutely lovely ❤🎉😊
I’m a female and i’m experiencing this. My husband is the one doing the talking most of the time and giving me question prompts. 🤣
My answer is always “like that lor”, “nothing much happened leh”
For the past 9 years of being together, he never failed to text me during lunchtime asking if i had lunch already, what did i eat. Who was in office with me today.
Awww you’re so lucky! 😍
- Pat
Hope you guys are doing fine, I have been busy with work. 😊 Communication is important in a relationship. 👍
pat so cute omg!! v relatable because i also always want to talk to my bf non stop LOL
As a female, i totally relate to john 😮 i totally need my alone and quiet time just zoning out especially on weekdays or at the end of any long day. Which is just about everyday except maybe sat😂 thankfully my husband is similar so we spent hours doing our own thing in our own personal spaces at home before we share a moment together before bed. You can say at the end of a long day we both need our alone time, it can be watching tv or reading or just scrolling through the phone but like john says, giving the mind a break. As a female, i really find this alone time precious in our busy lives as it gives me time recollect myself and my thoughts and to recover from the trauma of the day, brain emptying i would say 😂 but when we have renewed our energies, we spend a lot of time as a couple on our common interests. As an introvert, im not big on talking, like endless talking exhaust me regardless who it is, but when we have a topic to discuss as a couple, we enjoy diving in. Really i find it important to observe the mood of my partner, if i can tell he is not in the mood, il keep the chat for another time. Unless really urgent. Regardless, when i need to talk, he would put everything down to listen. But i don’t like to chat endlessly unless there is a good topic😂we enjoy spending time exploring places n interests n chatting about our opinions on our free days
Love the video guys, gonna give my 2 cents about this. Maybe do a sociable hobby together? Like boardgames! Yes even with two people. There's tons of less thinky boardgames for 2 people. There's an interesting one called Fog Of Love, its meant for couples. Sorry for the boardgame plug!. But many other couples go through such things too!
Loneliness is the pain of being alone, while solitude is the glory of being alone
I absolutely empathise with John when he mentions about not being able to watch shows with reality due to the high levels stress happening in our lives. We just need some form of escapism to unwind and actually relax. However, at that point in my life I was single. Now things are better and now I do have partner. This has prompted me to think how we should communicate these stressors to our partners too. Sometimes, it isn't obvious that these need to be communicated too.
Hahahaha that chocolate cake part! it's pat's fav 😂😂My husband and i have a ME TIME, we will tell each other 'okay, me time time!' We would go do our own things till we're done and we will find each other and get ready for bed together! We would watch netflix and don't talk too cos we're enjoying the show together. Thanks for sharing this video too, ❤ it's really a problem many couples faced when staying together of not talking to each other compared to texting the whole day.
i love y’all leh so real
Similar dynamics in my pair. I do a lot of micro learning / podcast listening in the day and usually use these as conversational topics in my marriage. Sometimes, my spouse doesn't have the headspace to absorb what I'm saying. So I'd share those same knowledge in a monotonous documentary voice to help put him to sleep.
BTW, after watching this, I'm starting to feel that the light fixture was a good investment 😂
I can relate with John. I think the experiences and stress is further amplified as an entrepreneur, it is near impossible to fully disconnect from work.
Your mind is always working all the time, from how to improve the business, client feedback, to reflecting on past experiences and taking away new concepts/learnings daily while thinking about how to apply them etc. It's information overload.
Mundane daily routines or information just do not stick with us because we got to prioritize the information to retain in our heads. It's like if you ask what did I eat or did today, I have no clue or can't remember. Hence, zoning out is important not just to clear head space but to rather reprioritize useful information and dump useless ones.
If conversation or questions were focused on growth areas such as, 3 concepts you guys have learnt for the day or my biggest concerns for the week, I think conversation quality will be improved.
In my relationships, I make it point for us to converse with each other like a daily reflection model, sharing learnings for the day and action plans etc. Fulfils the need for conversations while ensuring conversation topics are not fluff.
Oh no I have so much to learn. I need to restrain myself from vomiting my day on John 😥
Thank you for taking time to pen this down. 🙏🏼
- Pat
extroverted men is the equivalence of an introverted women
tbvh, I think communication is very important in a relationship..... like I grew up sharing things that happened in school with my mum so that at least I can share my worries or anger with someone... but when I grew up, I didn't share my worries anymore because I'm scared that I will worry my mum too 😳😳😳
Pat, it’s normal for most men to zone or space out! It’s like their brains cannot contain too many things and need to discharge them before they can load new things! Happens all the time for my hubby too. After being together for 21 years since school days, I now learnt it’s “time for him to recharge his social and emotional battery”…. ❤ The thing is that most women like us likes to put self blame and overthink that we are imposing ourselves or my bf or man don’t love me or lost interest. Don’t go down that rabbit hole! It’s great that you guys are having the conversation early! ❤
21 years?! Oh wow! Yea, I’ve learnt that it’s quite normal in most relationship. But I wanted to understand more from him hence the topic. Thank you for your word of wisdom! 🙏🏼
- Pat
Hellooo love u guys!! This conversation sounds like one i had with my bf😂 BUT its slightly different because we're in a ldr so i cant say that i 100% relate but i do get where both of you are coming from
To pat: as to why john doesnt want to talk sometimes, its not because he loves u less or is not as enthusiastic as you, its just the way men are wired, they just need some time to recharge and zone out
To john: dont feel too bad about it, im sure you love her a lot and you're just trying your best
I think the recipe to this solution is 2 tablespoons of balance and a pinch of respect for each others personal space hahahha
but who am i to comment, u guys probably know better than i do.
Anyways i appreciate the raw conversation! Thank you for giving us a glimpse into your relationship and lives
EXACTLY! All the best for your LDR! Love will prevail!
- John
OMG totally relatable of the nothing to say part with your partners. Asking questions seems like a good idea. But then again for me maybe there’s some question both do not wish to be asked haha
I don’t know why I don’t run out of things to say or ask leh. Hahahah! I talk too much 😅
- Pat
I get what John is saying too, the solitude time is me in the toilet watching videos (like right now) just so that the brain goes offline for a while and yes the missus also does complain about this but I guess that's just what men would do to have a certain quiet time after a very long day. Nothing's wrong with our day, all's good but this "break" is a much deserved one when we can have it.
I relate to you pat!!!!! I get it 😭😭
Men & women are wired differently and it takes lots of efforts & humility to learn about each other and accept the uniqueness.
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT
😂cute!! ya its always good to communicate when there's a problem~
ok this one i gotta give it to john or a man in general, we really really got nothing to share, my biggest dilemma question is "how are you?" or "what have you been up to" or "hows your day/week?" frankly, either i dont remember how my day went, or what details happened during my day/week or its so trivial i dont see a point talking about it. i think its not a john thing, its a man thing. our brains work differently than women. It could also be a gender / childhood thing where either boys dont get attention as much as girls or we've been shut down whenever we try to share or express ourselves. its sad but its true, reality
i agree with you as a guy too. sometimes we just really have nothing to talk about and just go into the zone where are heads are just plain empty(zoning) .Like if people ask us questions is either really nth much happened throughout the day or we just feel the other party is not interested in what occurred in a day of our life's. Childhood and other factors like social circle, work or even family in general can play a part in this kind of scenarios like maybe some of us prefer our alone time to be alone with our thoughts to unwind while some when prompted with a question will give brief replies and to them its already a lot for them as like john said throughout the day, we are being over-stimulated by the things we do so like we are naturally tired when we come home and just prefer to think of nothing. I think best solution is to communicate with your partner and come to a compromise like if there is anything to share then share or once in awhile just check up on them how they are doing
Thanks for sharing!
I can relate to John, but I think it’s due to the difference in families’ home cultures.
Working in a fast-paced environment and running a technology website on the side, similar to what John said, I need time to unwind. I too sit in my car after I parked. It could be just scrolling through social media sites or reading the news. The quietness in the car is a safe haven for me to calm my mind before heading home to my spouse. It’s not about her, but it’s about me. Perhaps it’s an introvert’s trait.
That said, maybe I can get those conversation cards. I’ve seen them recently and they sound like fun!
Women speak an average of 20,000 words a day vs. 7,000 words for men. I didnt understand men back then, forcing my then husband to share everything which end up hurting our relationship. Only until i took up a course in feiyue, it talked about relationship then i know i make alot of mistakes. My suggestion for you guys is to create busket list and do things together, then you eventually will have things to talk and share with each other. Stay loving.. 😊
i totally understand how you feel and maybe you are right that there is nothing to talk about because there is no 3rd member in your family now. My suggestion is to get a pet (dog preferrably) to keep the daily life interesting and something to always discuss about :)
see right, marriage is two persons becoming one. so logically, at a certain point, you have already shared so much with each other that you're already in sync - the only thing left to sync up is the goings-on of each new day.
so sometimes if there's really nothing to update, then there's nothing to update - so in this, I'm with john when he says there's nothing to share about.
BUT clearly there WAS stuff to talk about - stress at work, the need to take time out, etc. - so in this, I think john should have spent the time to sync up this side with pat.
I can totally relate.
Everything you both said is things that me and my partner have talked about MANY TIMES! - girls love to give context probably because alot of the way we speak to each other is through body language and actions. Whereas guys seem to want to just give the bullet point version and then give context when asked.
The best way for us to be more effective, was to try to understand why both sides communicates it that way, rather than only what actions needs to be emulated. We need to make sure we cater for the why and not just the what.
eg. Girl says "Pat asked me for lunch" (with context that we are trying to grow our relationship closer to manager Pat).
Boy might thinks it's irrelevant, but for us the detail matters because later we will update you on our improving relationship with Pat and this "invite to lunch" contributes to the context!
Once guys know that we do it for context, then you might understand why we said "Pat asked us for lunch" instead of just saying we just ate lunch.
You can put in more thoughtful details by saying , you eat Prawn mee for lunch but it wasn't as good as the usual one (by doing this, show care that prawn mee is her fav food)
The part when you guys mentioned that maybe people have kids because the house is too quiet was the same exact convo my partner and I had! I think being in this DINK phase, things are very stable and predictable. Usually both partners have stable jobs and have settled down with house and car. Life seems almost too easy at this stage and I think based on evolution, our minds are wired to ponder about having kids because something is “missing”. But tbh, having kids because you’re bored or feel like something is missing doesn’t seem to be good reasons to have kids.
As a woman, I'm just like John!
I think working as a C-suite personnel is really hyper-stimulating during the day. It feels like the whole world is coming to me to problem-solve or to seek my advice.
I go home sitting in the car in the car park just staring into space and allowing the air con to gently blow at me while I soak in the quietness and allow my brain to rest. Sometimes I get that solitude in the shower too but most times I'm rushing in and out of showers as well.
I also cannot bear to watch shows that are about real life situations and can only fall into good sleep to sounds of cartoons playing on TV.
John, perhaps you can try watching tutorials of simple skills like how to design a PPT slide better, how to play ukulele, learn to speak Japanese etc on TH-cam which helped distract me from an overstimulated mind yet engaging me enough to not let my brain wander endlessly and sometimes back to work.
I too can't think of things to tell my husband because the day was so hectic, where do I start?? So I decided I've to talk about a particular subordinate that I work closely with and it's like a walking diary regurgitation which gave me conversation topics on a daily basis.
Omggg! I totally can relate to Pat lehhh!🙌
Eh thanks lehhhhhh! 🫶🏻
- Pat
Everyone needs alone time no matter how loving the couple is.
Talking about your day to your partner is necessary and natural.
Also get a dog or cat if not having kids yet.
My husband said the same thing like John. He only share things that add value to the family. Pat, you are not alone. Why not adopt a child to fill up your life. Just a suggestion 😊
This is 💯 true.
But John, the amount of reality displayed in anime is like 3-4 times harsher than real life 😂
But it’s in the fake world ma. Don’t need to think so much. Hahaha! Detach from real world.
- Pat
Guys, especially those nearer to the introverted spectrum, prefer to have an empty mind when we unwind. We don't archive the episodes we encounter in our day and take them out again to recount the whole thing because it's quite taxing to recount, pointless and to re-experience the whole (mundane) thing again. The outside repetitive world of predictable dramas and outcomes don't really interest us and we don't see and feel an interest to repeat similar episodes or stories for every tom, dick and harry we come across. We're most interested in freshness, unique ideas, thoughts, or anything that we seldom or have not come across, some new spark to wash away the every mundane-ness when we unwind.
Sometimes love needs to be blur. If you make it too clear then it may just be over.
I think John explain and speaks up for most of the men with glfr or wife..... to unwind ourselves.😄
Hope this doesn't come across too pedantic... but if you're referring to "rive gauche", it's pronounced "reev goush" and not "river gor-shay" 😅
In many ways y'all's relationship really mirror my boyfriend's and mine, except with the genders flipped, and I have my head-empty-no-thoughts moment in the shower rather than the car lol. I too work in an industry (creative) where it's mentally hyper-stimulating, and you really feel a disproportionate personal stake in the work. After 8-12 hours straight of that, when you get home, it's really difficult to simply drop all of those thoughts like a hot potato and hit "clear browser history" on your mind, without first creating some sort of mental and emotional freeway off-ramp. So given the similar dynamics in my own relationship, it's really nice to hear both John and Pat articulate their POVs; one feels relatable (John's), while the other illuminating (Pat's).
Very normal. A guy always needs a personal space and time to zone out. John must be an earth element.
How do I know what element I am?
if my relationship isnt like this i rather be single
Men have this ‘nothing box’ in their head where we open it and live that time alone. Very contented after that, women do not own such a box in their head. I own 5 of these ‘nothing boxes’ . Hahaha
First ! xD, just love yall :)
Heheh HELLO FIRST! 🏆
Maybe is just a extrovert and a introvert thing. Introvert need to be alone to recharge and extrovert need to be with people and talk to recharge.
It’s true. I’m a forced extrovert.
- John
Married guy here. I think the issue here is that Pat on one hand has to decompress by unloading onto Jon, I think this part is pretty evident given Pat is quite an outspoken wife with the seemingly jovial and high energy. But Jon on the other hand decompress by not processing anything, else Pat would have to absorb Jon's energy.
My wife and I are somewhat similar to both of you. My wife shares about everything and is always talking to me. Naturally sometimes I just zone out with the "uh, ya, orh" replies. Its not that I dont care. I listen but I dont over process it because I know my presence is needed to let her unload her day and all I have to do is let her unload. My wife understands that as well.
Theres is always that yin and yang in a relationship
Aiyoh Pat. Sis, men just dont need to communicate lah!! They dont know how. Dont have the urge. So you ask him lah. Yes like interview. Men are LIKE THAT LAH bro!!!!! Thought every girl in a relationship knows this. 😅
I can totally related to the 15mins (alone/me time), but its not that i don't want my girlfriend to be with me. I work in a client facing role, and having that down time is extremely important, sadly it is hard to communicate that thought without sounding offensive
Lol my hubby is like that too. Men in general don't really talk that much. And we don't have kids. Haha end up we got 5 cats. So now we have more discussion coz of the cats.😂😂😂😂
I don't think that lack of communication is the main criteria for stagnating relationships. A stagnating relationship is more than that. Sometimes love can be just looking at each other without saying anything. Is the way how messages are conveyed across to each other.
Like pat's love language is words, john's love language is action?
Try don don prawn mee ahaha
that is why couple always broke up, due to lack of communication
This is exactly why girls find that most guys are so bad at "spilling tea".
Males are genetically wired to prioritise safety for the family. Thus nothing really piques guys' interest unless it's got to do with fight for survival, territories and hierarchies(power). Let's use lion's pride as example. Females care for cubs, hunt for the pride. Doing all the "chores". Males sleep all day. But when it comes to territory disputes and mating rights, the males deliver huge fights. Energy is conserved as much as possible for big bouts as such. Females are what makes a home, a home. The thoughtfulness, extra care to details, adding flavour and spice into life. That's why females generally take better care of children and the home.
And of course, in the modern world, the need to constantly worry over fighting, or being some animal's lunch, or killed by a neighbouring tribe aren't there anymore. Unfortunately, we can't change genetic memories etched for millenniums within a century or 2. However, both genders cannot play the "DNA/genetic" card.
I suggest both genders should put in the effort to learn about each other's psychology, as well as their own needs, and potential shortcomings. Find out what are the needs of each other, and learn how to compromise, and fulfil those needs within reasonable means. Ladies, please understand that guy's are generally very simplistic. Be patient and teach him, spell it out to him, what you really need. Don't play games. Dropping hints does not work. You can adjust to be more subtle only AFTER he already understands what you need and want.
Guys, you are very unlikely to die to a hungry animal, or killed by an enemy tribe, at any second of the day. Your purpose of being the protector and conserving energy to physically protect your family is a very weak argument in this day and age. So don't expect females to give you a free pass to laze around, or not pay attention to her psychological needs. A part of your energy is now freed up, thus better put it into a different use to improve your modern relationship.
It's a constant learning process. A dance back and forth. And over time, we will find ourselves having lesser arguments over pretty minute stuff. That is improvement, that is a win.
Key to this is both parties must put in the effort to understand each other. And not take advantage of each other's efforts and kindness.
Everyone, every couple is different, especially men, they like the blank mind moment, and only solve problems when they appear. Thus very common that man have nothing to talk, and enjoy silent moment; hope more women understand that it is norm.
Yea. I’m starting to empathise a bit more with men.
- Pat
Guys need their empty box , to unwind.
Pat you need to look up the video the tale of 2 brains. Understand the. Concept of the nothing Box. After I shared it with my wife it was like the sky opened and she now can understand why I have nothing to say or am not thinking about anything.
Adopt a pet… it brought a lot of conversation with my parents but pls think it through before you proceed to adopt. I’ll suggest try fostering if this is a route you’ll like to consider
If U run out of questions there's this app by the Gottman institute, helped me a lot in my rs
It’s the nothing box
I think u guys should read the book, women are from Venus, men are from Mars. Haha.
Can you do a video about why you guys changed your mind about having kids?
What if.... The in-laws come and stay, the house wont be empty already. lol
John compartmentalize, Pat doesn’t. John’s way of being a husband and not a worker is by not sharing. Pat’s way of being a wife is by sharing her life. I think days when you do and days when you don’t is a good way so both have their needs fulfilled.
Yea I really don’t. I just vomit my entire day on him. On hindsight, doesn’t look optimal. Hahah!
- Pat
This kind of argument is normal...
What is more important is sticking to the commitment of marriage. ALOT of personal growth will ensue.
Strap in, steel up and get ready for a roller coaster adventure