How to Find Peace in Stressful Situations
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 9 เม.ย. 2023
- On today’s show, we hear about:
- A husband realizing the issues in his marriage are rooted in past abuse
- A woman unsure of how to share with her grandkids the bad choices their mom has made
- A wife increasingly frustrated with her husband’s ADHD
Books Mentioned:
“Scattered Minds” by Dr Gabor Mate
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“Discipline Equals Freedom” from Jocko Willinik
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The way Darbi glossed over her daughter being molested spoke volumes. No wonder she doesn't have a relationship with her Mom.
I know! That almost made me gasp the way she mentioned it so lightly AND it was the second thing she thought of to be the possibility of her being addicted.
Is her granddaughter safe in this home ?
Horrible mother
Right. And she wonders why the woman is on the streets?! Therapy by oneself as a child doesn’t solve problems like that. She probably eat abandoned by the mum, especially since t sounds like they never spoke about it. What happened to the husband’s brother? I think the mum needs to reach out and also apologise for not protecting her. Then she needs to listen to her daughter and get counseling together. The mum now is only thinking about the drug problem, but there is a root cause which is pointing to what the caller glossed over.
How does the first caller's wife keep ending up in all these fights? 😭
She's obviously the problem.
as an older woman I can honestly admit that I routinely found myself as "odd man out" in many groups of woman... from brownies to high school, neighborhood functions and even now in a 55 and over. it does matter how i have tried to mingle and be friendly. i stand alone. i have learned to occupy myself with continuing education, my career and creative hobbies.
i have been the object of gossip, slander and insinuations and men are as bad as their wives. i guess in the olden days i would have been considered a witch. Obviously i must be the problem?
Fr, she needs to get her act together. The fact she expects her husband to join in is crazy.
Walk away, it’s not worth the assault charge.
The wife is the problem. Even if he wasn't abused. If he gets involved in her fights, that she seems to get into way too much, and threatens a woman because he is defending his crazy wife , he is the one that will end up in jail.
He has chosen a partner who replicates his abusive step mum as the abuse is comforting and familiar to him.
To the first caller, Nico.. I am sorry for your past! With your wife, don't get involved with 2 woman going at it. It's like a cat fight! Your wife needs to change how she is coming across to others! Sounds like she needs the therapy not you!
It is like darbi disregards her daughter's painful experiences that are the likely causes for her addiction, AND part of the daughter's pain is likely to be the fact that darbi disregards her feelings and probably shows no care or empathy
When he asked "what is so unsafe that she would rather be on the streets than at home" wow. Truth bomb.
why would any one not want to be home? because its not a home. its hell on earth, thats why.
Sounds like he married the step-mom. Volatile woman that isn’t good for someone who’s been through trauma like him. She sounds toxic and he can’t see it.
The common denominator in these situations is her……
100%
Couldn't have said it better, horrible woman, she is
Yup
He needs to stand up to his own wife instead of the other woman.
Great Call!
The second Darbi said she remarried and her daughter had issues I didn't need to know more. I knew something terrible went on and mum did not protect the little girl and even glosses over her pain.
I am like his wife. Confrontation was considered strength in my home. I will stay and argue my right point forever. I thought walk away was weak, no one ever said walk away until I heard you. Now that’s what I’ll do. I am 75, you can teach old dogs new tricks!
That’s fine but don’t expect someone to get you out of trouble
First call: He married his mother figure. He is also does not know how to protect his wife from hurtful people like his dad that did not know how to protect him from a hurtful person. His wife sounds manipulative. So sad:(
Bingo!
19:05 guy. He talks about not being able to stand up to woman. yet it seems his wife gets him into predicaments that make him uncomfortable and he CANT STAND UP TO HIS WIFE
The wife is unstable if she wants to get into street fights so should learn to defend herself.
I agree because some who is mentally well knows that they are very unstable people out there and you never know what they’re capable of so I if I’m ever in situation like that, i will just walk away
I think the wife wants the husband to go Will Smith on those people.
@@mariee.5912 I can’t believe the will smith thing has become part of our vocabulary!!
@@mariee.5912 🤣🤣
@@vanessainsan 🤣🤣I know.
You were spot on with your advice to the grandmother with the addicted daughter. I'm in this same situation and I never say anything negative about their mom. I tell them how much their mom loves them but that she knows she can't take care of them right now because she isn't well and that's why they are with me. They are happy, healthy kids and when she calls, she calls, and when she doesn't, she doesn't. I never ever keep her from the kids. She is wrong there.
Dr John….
OMG my heart is breaking for this homeless woman who is
Addicted to some kind of drug that’s not allowed to see her kids…. And from one abused person this homeless woman
Is screaming for someone to hear her pain and for someone to protect her and a be a safe place to fall!
I wish I could I find this woman
To tell her she didn’t deserve what happened to her! That she has value and she loved and supported! My heart breaks because I know exactly
What the reel to reel in her mind is playing!
Why doesn't his wife stand up for herself? She sounds unstable.
I blame the wife for this one
Exactly.
It’s not that … WHY do people want to fight her??? That’s nuts!!! It’s not typical or healthy in any way that it becomes part of normal life that people want to physically fight a woman …
Because she is a bully. She wants more people on her side.
You’re not wrong on this one, especially if there was conflict between her and this other person there was absolutely no need for him to interject and I can understand why that guy shut down because I wouldn’t want to get in the middle of that either
“We used to not be safe but now we are” … simply profound
Nico, your wife is the problem. You married your stepmom. People need to heal trauma or you attract what is wounded in you.
As a listener of a year or so, I would LOVE if you have the opportunity, to do some more follow up episodes with any previous callers. There are so many that I wonder if they took your advice and how they are doing.
Sometimes it is better not to know !
Darbi is not exactly sure which pills her daughter is taking?!. AMEN JOHN, "why is she choosing homelessness over darbi's house?" Exactly
It sounds like this first caller's wife is a hot head who wants to drag him into her undignified behavior.
Second call: why is that man’s wife having so many issues with women? Why do the situations escalate to the point where she thinks she should send a man to deal with that woman. I think his wife is the problem. She wants to send a man to beat up an old woman in a bathroom? Honestly, his wife seems like a maniac to be fighting with old women.
His wife has some major anger issues or something. I was thinking the same. Who gets into it with an old lady in the bathroom (whether the other woman was being unreasonable or not - should NEVER escalate).
I have a sucess story of sobriety and no more abusive relationships
Aaw, congratulations!! I’m truly happy for you.
@@emi62507 I didn't think anyone would respond to this post. Thank you so much 🩷
Way to go!!!
Whoa. The haircut. Tight on the sides.
Rockin'.
Cheers.
Life is hard. Young people need a lot of love, stability and support to make it. A parent or two doesn’t show up, you get molested, you live in survival mode, it all has a heavy toll.
I'm 57 & I think I just recognised I have ADHD.
Thanks for the show, now I have a lot more work to do
Me too! Diagnosed at 56, really struggling but this call is really helpful
No body controls your actions. You are responsible for you.
Divorce is never the way out, My wife and I have been having issues before I sort out help from a spiritual adviser,i wasnt going to let my marriage of 18years crash
amazing,i am kinda in a similar situation,how did you handle it?
@@peterwilliams6361 well not the orthodox way but i was referred by a friend to a spiritual adviser and healer
@@DavidVelasquez9 please how can i get in touch with the spiritual adviser?
@@peterwilliams6361 her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE,and she is a great spiritual adviser as well as caster
you can look her name up online and you will find all you need.
I’ve been trying to find peace for a long time. What’s worked for me has been talking to loved ones and forgiving myself and others.
I always say the same thing the first caller said. To me saying, at least it wasnt that, makes me feel like I have lesser hurdles to overcome. Putting my experience with my parents in a global perspective allows me to feel gratitude because it really could have been worse
32:00 caller: that's the equivalent of calling the WWII atomic bombs....."sorta a thing happened" but we "got over it in therapy".
NOT how it works!
I'm sure you meant well, but not at all how it's described. You need to adjust your mentalilty towards the affects of child sexual abuse. Because it's life shattering remembered or not. And down playing it, is not an option for victims of it. It makes us extremely prone to addictions and self harming behaviors.
I love the phrase, 'strength and honor.'. Emotional strength has little to do with how much you can physically lift. How does the wife getting into screaming matches honor the husband? To me, she is manipulating the husband attempting to make him feel bad when she should not allow herself to get into those situations. She has no honor.
2nd caller your daughter needs love! Why on earth would you tell those grandchildren her faults? Your daughter needs rehab desperately. But your daughter needs to want to change, or it won't work! Children will figure out what's wrong. You don't need to say it. It's like getting a divorce, you never bad mouth the ex!
Loved the advice, especially the one on ADHD.
With the second call: maybe the mom could ask the daughter, what do you need to feel loved? Or, how can I help you feel safe?
This is one of my favorite episodes. You answered many of my questions. Thank you!!
I am so thankful why did I not hear this all years ago! Eye opening for many loved ones. Also showed me much for my own life. Thank you Dr John ❤ you always have me learn and think. So. Grateful
Thank you John for all the helpful adult adhd advice and perspective. You saying we experience the world differently has helped me reframe my thinking.. I don't know how to explain it, but it's helped :)
Thank you Nico ! Your opening was so helpful to me . Dr John insights was so helpful. I am a nurse and an old lady 😊
I really hope I’m doing the right things for my kids’ development. I had a no show mom that dropped us off to dad when I was 6. All through life people would say that’s the root of issues I had. I shrugged it off, but now that I’m 42 it’s pretty easy to see how that did negatively affect me. No excuses for my past actions, but a person’s foundation does matter a lot.
Another great episode Dr Delony!
I’m on a binge of these episodes. And the last caller my husband and both have ADHD. And I related to all the things. 😂 I didn’t realize the all or nothing stuff was ADHD 😂
Geez! This guys issue is the wife!
I'm amazed at how well his wife communicated the problem and how well he received it. I hope this couple overcomes.
Couldn't stop crying! What an emotional call.
Dr Gabor Mate touches on in utero stress on likelihood of addiction later on in life, as well, in The Realm of the Hungry Ghosts. Good sh*t.
Yeah ! No ! We all heard him with Prince Harry .
Appreciate the hints about loving someone w ADHD.
The first caller married an abusive woman. Shes trying to shame in and manipulate him and using his past trauma as a reason
The first caller , wow. So much to unpack. His wife is something else. I would consider her abusive. Reminds me of a sketch by Key and Peele " fighting Meeghan's battles". Very selfish woman. I don't think I would wholly blame the step mum, feel like the dad abandoned you and left the step mum to deal with a situation which was way out of her depth. Not making excuses for her behavior but it can be a lot especially for a young person to inherit this situation. The second caller doesn't want to place blame where it really lies, with her husband's brother. Would rather put the whole blame on the absent father just because she doesn't want to have difficult conversations with her husband.
John, thank you for the ADHD advice. ADHD family here.
First caller- your wife needs help too.
I think that he sounds fine . The wife causes the fights 27:36 and then tries to gaslight him to put the blame on him .
Keep up the good work!
The first caller…he married a woman like his step-mother. An opportunity to heal his wounds. Hope his wife hears this too.
There is a really great quote l heard the other day. It goes like this :”stay away from the people, who behave like victims in a problem that they have created”. Unfortunately as long people haven’t healed from their trauma, they are attracted to the people and environments that feel familiar to them. So in this picture he needs to practice self love and his wife, well she should really do some hell of a work on her self as l definitely see her as the major problem of the whole story. Of course it takes two to tangle but it sadly seems like he had chosen to marry in some way or another his stepmother:( maybe she doesn’t abuse him emotionally but she is a drama queen indeed.
He’s right. Opioids bring one temporary feelings of love, warmth, safety, happiness, no pain, no stress.
Why would a man need to defend his wife from another woman? Why is she not capable of defending herself?
I am a substance abuse counselor, and in recovery myself. Trust me that girl cares about her kids, she is so wrapped up in shame and guilt she can't bring herself to see her family. Also, fentanyl or any opiate addiction is one of the hardest things to quit and stay stopped from without help, support, and people in recovery to hold her hand every step in the way. She has an addiction currently and usually the family doesn't understand or know how to support their loved ones. It is tough for everyone involved. I hope she never tells those kids she chose drugs over them, because that is not how this disease works, when you are in active addiction you don't choose anything until the pain is so great that they decide to get help.
First caller.. I have no clue how John had the patience to work through so much before getting to the fact that this man's wife is getting into fights and demanding he defend her. Learn some self control, ma'am.
I wonder if she's abusive to him, honestly. Continuing the cycle.
Nico, your wife is 100% the problem. She is an aggressor and it’s unfair you’re being expected to be her shield every time she wants to start a fight.
Dr John is right, the wife needs to learn to walk away.
I told my girlfriend all the time don't flick people off when we're in the car and I'm driving if it's a male driver bc I ant going to fight some dude bc u wanted to give him the middle finger. Same as I wouldn't give some female driver the finger when ur driving
My ex would tell me I was never on her side. I think the first caller might be misunderstanding his wife. She probably does not want him to beat anyone up, but rather be on her side (support her) when things go sideways.
The first caller’s story is so heartbreaking. The early years are really important.
Edit: the first caller actually needs to see someone to figure out who he really is. He is a pleaser because he never received love after his mum died - he probably tried to get it from his step-mum and dad but was never reciprocated. All his current situations elude to that. And his wife needs to go along to some of those sessions too. I pray he does follow through with the recommendations from Dr.
The first caller Nico, even after all he suffered as a kid, he has a great emotional control on difficult moments. His wife may have been hormonal and moved by all the baby situation but talking about the conflicts afterwards, after some time, she shouldn’t have said he needs to stand up for her
Caller one: listening only to what you shared I got the chills and was a little stunned that John didn’t adres your wife. I am worried that this could lead to her mistreating you as well.. a pregnant woman that picks or get into fights with other women? Darn man.. not good.. nothing to do with you at all.
I feel like the first callers issue isn’t the fact that he doesn’t defend his wife but rather the reason why he doesn’t do it which is a result of his trauma. I think this was missed. To tell him „be smart and leave” isn’t going to help here.
I agree
JOHN! Can you do a segment on what mothers can do to help their addicted children PLEASE. My son doesn't even look at my text, there's a blue dot next to it so maybe I'm blocked. HELP. I have his son every Saturday and he has met up a few times with the woman to see him and my son looks happy and grandson is very happy when they are together. But I'm thinking there's a possibility that there's pressure from the woman for more $ and the meet ups are only for that. We need guidance!❤❤❤
24:47 love your show so much but pretty sure he hung up about 2 minutes ago 😂😂😂😂😂❤
That wife is full on manipulative on that man. Normal people do not need their husbands to defend them as they don't get into street fights and can deal with their own disagreements in a normal manner without getting partners involved, ease the hell? How does she think single people navigate life without defenders?? To make him call a counsellor about this is gross and tbh I think she's abusive.
A man should not be intervening in a fight between 2 women unless it’s getting dangerously physical. Just like a woman should not be intervening in a fight between 2 men. What is he supposed to do? Hurt the other woman?
John is right.. It's not gender.. If a woman assaulted his wife, he'd do something. This was a nurse and an old lady.. The wife escalated it and him trying to get her to stop was the right choice.
Oh, and they were dating a few days when she had him playing dad with her son?? This lady is something else..
subscribed
I’m not a swiftie, but “Bad Blood” is a banger
you know I'm trying to figure out with this session. is it better not to have a father at all or to have one for a few years .I think either way it's sad situations .but I think all in all I turned out pretty good for not having a father , and my mom did the best she could .
People with ADHD tend to live in a lot of shame because they are always falling short of what they want to achieve.
We have a million ideas 💡 and magic time and get distracted easily and then see we failed to do something… if your loved one has it … this is likely them. Understanding and strategies go a long way.
PSA: I would recommend not getting with someone who has ADHD if one finds out this information early in the relationship. Particularly if the afflicted one is not making attempts to manage it. It's just going to aggravate the non-ADHD person over time and add unnecessary stress to your life to no end. If you're not up for the challenge, *RUN* the other way.
If he doesn't get the trash out but once a month then give him a different task. He's probably bored of it and needs to do something else to keep his interest in helping with the house. Pick the parts of the house that he's good and reliable at and stick with those.
Scattered Minds - Gabor Mate
I think he was right in the nurse situation too obviously haha
This first guy’s wife is aggressive and putting him in situations to make him prove he’s a hero/man. I’ll bet she’s more like his abusive step mother than he’d like to admit.
I wouldnt confront a man my husband is in a gas station spat with. Its weird his wife wants him to confront women for him.
First wife has a hair-trigger temper. She expects her husband to fix it by siding with her. The wife needs to get some counselling before she gets hair triggered with her child.
This episode is insane. First we have a caller whos wife is insane trying to fight old ladies and second caller cant understand why letting her daughter grow up being raped and without a dad bothered her...
Your wife has her own issues and needs to look at her own behavior, why is she getting into fights? and then expects her husband to intervene?
Maybe Darbi isn’t a bad woman but she definitely shouldn’t be around children and needs some serious help with empathy because of the extra trauma she is causing these children.
Lol she's an awful woman who should be in jail. John dropped the ball big time asking if they arrested the guy.
What happened with the old woman in the gas station and his wife is on his wife. Men don't fight with other women. His wife needed to stand up to her, not ask her husband to do it. His wife messed this one up,. She is got him thinking it's all on him. Nope nope. Women stand for themselves with other women.
I don't believe Darbi loves her daughter - the mother is such a critical part of a child's development. There is some subtle blaming and shaming going on ...
❤ adhd ftw
Hey John, I don't think you were quite understanding what the gentleman was saying about protecting his wife. Leaving the situation is a great idea. But you also need to tell the caller that he needs to not try and make his wife look weak in that situation/ trying to shut her down. Her anger will transfer from the other person to her husband. If he did try and calm both of them down at the same time, his wife wouldn't be so upset with him and feel unsafe because she would know he's trying to get the situation resolved. Having him fight someone or get into the argument as well would not be a good idea.
Re: the first caller - Defending your wife is not physical. It's verbal. Defending your wife could be something like "Could you please give us a little space right now?" And yes... leaving the situation is a good move. Sounds like this person's WIFE has the issues. She DOES need to calm down, but being told that outrightly and in the heat of the moment is not going to go down very well. I do not know why she is getting into arguments with other people anyway. She needs to learn how to step back and walk away.
Hm. Re-build rapport.
Holy sh**. The amount of times this doctor interrupted his first called in the first two minutes exceeded 5 times. 5 times.
Extremely unprofessional and rude.
May I add after you sit in the hell that was your childhood. I did plenty of that especially when I would encounter another torturing soul who did similar things and then one day I realized I was letting my mean granny's ghost do her thing to me still. I was letting her haunt me and take up room in my mind and heart for free. Old witch shoulda paid rent! LOL She's been the devil's problem since 1992 I'm so sure because Christ was very clear YOU DO NOT ABUSE ONE OF THESE ( an innocent young one )...WOE TO YOU. I was abusing myself when her voice came to me in situations and I'd hear her cackle "you're not good enough" and you'll never be anything. Plus she was so wrong. I married quite well and have built an empire with my husband. My first house we rented out was one she accidentally left to me when my like-minded Aunt tried to get it to go to her kids and her kids alone ( long boring story ). And my husband far exceeded in his job and my Granny used to call him a boring nerd. LOL LOL LOL. At a fancy dinner one day me in a sparkly dress it occurred to me wow Gran if you could get a day pass from wherever you are...I hope you can see me now. She was fascinated by the upper crust of our society and of our town especially. I sit with them and talk to them ( I could give a darn about that ) but it mattered to her. By dragging me down she inadvertently taught me to just be myself and that's how I blend in with "the finer folks" and she taught me how to spot phonies too. She was one. Abuse can end and with time ( it took me decades to realize this ) it's kind of up to us to reframe it and FOR CERTAIN Not to keep telling ourselves the same derogatory things they did. I'd say it was because They were hurting but I think it was just because they were empty and mean. I've been hurt plenty and I've not abused one innocent child.
❤
To darbys daughter. Get your kids.
I must know - how long was the pregnant wife in the bathroom?? 😂
I'm sorry, but when an addict leaves their kids, that means they are choosing drugs over their children !! My dad did that when I was a child, and he is still choosing that, and I'm an adult now.
Darbi is not a good mom And I hope she knows that
Sounds like the wife needs to Chill. 😂
Amen 🤍
MMA fighter married to a Karen. Sounds like a Reality Show.
When is your husband’s brother going to take full responsibility for majority destroying your daughter’s life. I hate this so much because everyone blames the mother. So stupid. Nothing is going to change this situation. Your daughter is ruined forever because of your husband’s brother. Has he apologized ? Has he paid for her therapy? Has he paid for all of her necessities daily that she can’t get because he ruined her life???
First caller's wife doesn't feel safe because HER mouth gets her in trouble?! Learn to Control your mouth woman!