Questions to ask before entering a relationship
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 มิ.ย. 2024
- In this video, I discuss questions to ask yourself before getting into a relationship.
Time Stamps:
0:00 Intro
1:22 What do I like about them?
3:44 Do they reciprocate?
5:52 Are they respectful?
7:25 Are there any early signs of abuse?
10:28 Do I have room for a relationship in my life right now?
12:06 Are we compatible?
14:52 Do our boundaries match up?
15:38 What does my intuition say?
Link to my merchandise: teespring.com/stores/anas-bazaar
Music from bensound.com
The thoughts expressed in this video are my own personal opinion and do not reflect the opinion of any institution I am involved with.
The contents of this video are for educational and entertainment purposes only. They are not meant to substitute seeking professional therapy.
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TH-cam algorithms are getting a little too specific haha
LMAO right like I don't even search it up but I love her channel so I ain't even mad
Seems like machine learning models haved evolved a lot.
Right??!!
YT algorithm gave me a better diagnosis than my psych lmao
It is 😂😂😂
She said “unless you wanna experience the heartache for growth”
I feel EXPOSED
haha it is valid
“For growth”
😂😂😂😂 can't stop laughing tbh😅😂
I mean why? I feel like I am doing it all for growth until I die😂😭
Best way to learn is through mistakes
It’s easy to get up in the feelings rather than look at reason. For me, I only start a relationship with someone if they actively add to my life and make it better. Not just to have company or someone to snuggle with. Though those are nice. I look at it as picking a team member in helping to build the best life possible.
Presumably you also add to their life? I notice you didn't mention that.
@@roblbm7934 of course. With all healthy relationships, it has to be a 2 way street.
Goodo. You also mention about picking a team, which I understand.
What is it that you bring yourself to a new situation? Why would someone want you on their team etc?
I agree with you
@Shoot non mask wearers on sight almost everyone hates wearing a mask but sometimes you have got to do things you hate
“if they didnt want a relationship with you, what’s the point of watching this video?”
damn girl. but you know, just in case.
"Timing is important in relationships."
I used to think this was ridiculous. People were either right for each other or wrong for each other and timing did not matter.
I was wrong.
Timing is everything.
"See someone's potential instead of their true character"
This sums up the best and worst aspect of my personality and is one of my biggest pitfalls in dating.
I work with at-risk youth, so seeing potential is fantastic for getting the best out of people, but hot damn can it be problematic in relationships.
That's ALWAYS me. I've been in relationships where I am not fully attracted but have that "potential chemistry will grow" or the "they can be more in the future"... It's bad!
Yeah exactly! This caused me to stay in relationships that checked every red flags and caused me to see them as yellow flags.... Not a good time tbh 😬
I felt that one homie...
potential is for them to decide, I've had to turn away from so many potential situations that may have been potentially good but would have never happened
Yo, this is why I pay hookers. i get what I want and I skip the headaches. Unless I skip the condoms. 😜😜😜😜
I wish it was more normalized for people to just ask all the uncomfortable and hard questions right out of the gate on the first couple dates so that nobody wastes each other's time. I think most people already know if they have strong feelings once they start talking to someone, the problem is people delve too deep into a physical and emotional attachment before airing out their baggage and deal breakers and it turns what could have been one bad date into a painful break up and inevitable heartbreak a few months down the line.
that's actually a pretty good idea
Be a trendsetter!
100% agree
I do this. It isn’t usually reciprocated to the same degree though.
I’m an oversharer by nature and I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, but so far most other people prefer to hold their cards closer to their chest. I’m about to rethink my “all cards on the table policy.” Will probably move to a more gradual reveal, gauging it to their willingness to be vulnerable and share their baggage and challenges.
Good luck out there!
I think other red flags are that they don’t care about your interests/hobbies or puts them down and that they don’t listen to you. Also what do you think of long distance relationships?
Not that you asked my opinion, but 3 things i would say are super important
1. Mutual Trust. If you don't deeply trust each other, it won't take much to cause jealousy.
2. Mutual Travel Effort. Schedules may benefit one or the other as far frequency of travel, but there needs to be reasonable balance in making efforts to see each other.
3. Mutual Future Plans. There HAS to be an EVENTUAL mutual goal to end long distance at some point and move to the same city. It may take many months to accomplish the goal, but it should be discussed as a goal fairly early.
If someone isn't trustworthy, making attempts to visit, or willing to discuss plans to be around you more consistently, then they are probably not looking to pursue a serious relationship and are likely just taking advantage of the distance to either pursue other people or maintain a "relationship" with minimal effort and lack real accountability/responsibility.
I think thats included in "respect"
She has a vid on long distance relationships!
@@Jasminesim18 thanks for letting me know!
@@calledtoanswer Im in a LDR with a really amazing person, we're both making effotts but because of covid we cant meet :`(((
Queen of labeling different sections of the video!!!!
Ikr!!! by far the most helpful channel on youtube
She's just really good at planning and actually puts effort into the quality of her videos.
Ana: Cause if they don't, then what's the point of even watching this video?
Me, not dating at all: I just watch all of your videos
It sucks when you've dated the wrong person for too long. I'm honestly scared of relationships now and want to be single for a while. When I look for a relationship it's hard because obviously most people I won't have a connection with. But when you do find that person you have to wonder if the connection is the same for them and worry if they'll let you down or take advantage of you in some way. anyways thanks for the video
It's normal to be scared. Take your time to lick your wounds :). I think it's better not to rush into anything untill u truly feel ready.
I think that when the time comes you will know for sure.
I was the same when I got out of my last (longterm) relationship a year and a half ago. I've casually dated a lot of people since, and purposely chose a number of them on the sole basis that they were wildly different from my ex, and I still haven't had much success in finding someone new. If there's one thing it's all taught me, it's that it doesn't matter how many different people you date: if it's meant to be, it will be. You just have to go with the flow, y'know, and don't overthink it. If you like someone's vibes and there aren't any hulking red flags in the way, shoot your shot. All experiences are valuable, as long as they don't come at the cost of your mental or physical wellbeing.
Same. I was with someone I felt so connected to. Turns out the person had BPD, and with me being codependent, it became a very exhausting relationship.
7
P80
May I add:
- Ask them about their family. Are they close to them or not, how many times do they see them in a year, do they have brothers or sisters and are they older or younger, ask yourself do you value family or not, if you're looking for something serious and things get serious this becomes important. Usually people who value family don't mesh well with ppl who don't. If you want to marry this person, ask yourself "if I marry this person is this the type of person who will treat me as a new family unit or will they expect me to "marry" him AND his family?" If you're someone who just wants to be with that person and not mix your rs with the whole family I advise to find someone who doesn't value family, and if you do value family find someone who also does. This is something I find to be a huge issue later on. I know myself and I would never stay with someone who lets their family mix with our relationship and lets them control where we will live, will we have children, will we let in-laws stay with us on a vacation "because his parents gave him the house" and other bs
Interesting point, seems like solid advice.
And ask them about their friends. Meet their friends. Do they seem like the same person with their friends as they seem to be when with you?
Do important life stories line up? Career & education factoids line e?
Do narratives about dating / marriage / offspring history line up??
Are friendships intermingled or siloed so the friends never get to interact and compare notes?
Questions:
1. What do I like about them?
2. Do they reciprocate?
3. Are they respectful? (with you and others)
4. Are there any signs of abuse?
5. Do I have a room for a relationship?
6. Are we compatible?
7. Do our boundaries match up?
8. What does my intuition say?
Thank you!
u a legend
Yes, most especially that respect part. If they treat their own family badly, turn and run.
Very good questions!
Number 2 os key..does communication happen back and forth and is it enjoyable.
Another red flag to watch out for is, if they tell you who they are BELIEVE THEM!!! So many times when I have met someone new, they would make jokes about the type of person they were. For example, I would say something like, “you’re so sweet” and they would respond, “nah I’m pretty manipulative,” RED FLAG! This also goes with Ana’s point on trusting your instincts. If you feel like a person is or isn’t who they say they are, trust that instinct! I know it would’ve saved me a lot of heartache if I did.
This is tricky. I assume you just met one person who "joked" about the type of person he was. While, I've never met someone who straight out said "I'm a manipulative person", I don't think you should always trust what they said if it was a joke. Sometimes a joke is simply just a joke.
Action speak louder than word
A lot ppl say there this or that
Sometimes I’ll let their actions speak before what they say
People differ. But yes, do use intuition
Some people will downgrade themselves. And it doesn’t mean that they are like what they’ve said. It means that it’s easier for them to act like a bad person because they’re able to see themselves this way, use this escape mechanism. So for example they weren’t manipulative. Then their mom told them that they are. They feel bad about themselves and are ready to fit this role some time later when it’s a hard situation because what’s the point? They very already clichéd by the others.
@@ghrtfhfgdfnfgTo add; In combination with cognitive cues that either confirm or deny that intuition....
I think it's beautiful how she goes right into topic and depth. As well as selflessly sharing her knowledge. ✨
no relationship, no problem.
only if no relationship isn't a problem ;p
@@tochka832So right 😂
These are also good questions to ask yourself about potential employers (because you're going to end up giving them a lot of your time and energy) and to some degree, about friendships (not that you should cut them off if they aren't long-term commitment material, but you should be aware of the effect they're having on your life).
Ouch, too bad I didn't watch this video a loong time ago. My ex ticked off almost all the "early signs of abuse". If only it was in the early stages lol
Oof I’m sorry :(
@@AnaPsychology I always had a suspicion she was a narcisist or a psychopath (which is in line with your last point - trust your intuition). But now I know it, so that's great! Your videos are a great source to learn from, thank you for making them :)
I came here for a love relationship and left realizing my mom is toxic. I don’t know what to do but at least I know now😅
Knowing this can help you navigate your relationship with her and can help you protect yourself emotionally from her. My parents have toxic traits too and so sometimes it can be really draining to interact with them. So I’m currently learning to set boundaries and take care of myself.
@@stephanybeltran7083 Thank you! It’s hard to set boundaries but I’m working on it😅 I’m just glad I’m aware of it now.
I think one thing to note about the "Do I have time for a relationship" will depend on what you both are willing to make of the relationship at the time. Like maybe you guys have a long distance relationship so texting and calling every once in a while is perfectly fine for you both at least for a while, or maybe you both know you're busy so you guys only schedule to see each other when you both have time and you're both okay with that. Or maybe you both do want to see each other at least twice a week and therefore need to make the time for it. It's about making time for what works for your relationship at the time.
"can you both satisfy each others NEEDS?"
many people refuse to acknowledge the others needs even
No. If you go to a relationship to get your needs satisfied, you are failing to take care of yourself properly and understand yourself properly. Each partner in a healthy relationship should have the potential for emotional self sufficiency, but what they should be offering and receiving in the relationship is one or more extra bonuses that make their lives better, including the joy of appreciating the other person and so on.
@@b43xoit thats both incredibly vague and somehow pedantic at the same time, i dont think you understand that you cant satisfy all the urges that drives people to have a partner, by yourself
@@WeebRemover4500 I think there are different kinds of needs. Each of us has needs of a relationship, like basic respect for example. If the other person can't provide those, it's not a match and should break up. But when a person feels broken and expects someone else to solve that for them, that's a problem and that person should work on himself or herself.
I've never dated anyone, mainly because as a teen I was too focused on studying, I was bullied (was super annoying, but I never took them seriously, they were jealous >:o), and I knew them, we were all children and I wasn't about to waste my time with someone as under-developed as me in character, emotions and whatnot.
But now that I'm an adult, I've seen a lot of relationships irl and fictional, have formed some standards, and decided that I'm not dating strangers, we should be friends before as to know each other without the emotional pressure of dating stuff. The thing is I don't have a lot of guy friends rn, my current lifestyle keeps me isolated at home and I can't make deep bonds with people I don't see regularly. So single it is until I move out or something, make some friends and make exhaustive revisions of myself and them XD
Good luck with that you’ll find the right person eventually
@Riven326 That's gonna be one lucky guy 😂
@@amjthe_paleosquare9399 how? I mean almost every guy is on a self improvement journey too. Everyone after hs tries to get their glow ups. How old are you btw if u don’t mind me asking
@@LoverIsaDayy Early 20's, although the more I think about my expectations the more I realise I don't precisely fill them either. Guess I'll just have to wait until I can get into an environment that allows irl interaction with guys in my age range, and go from there
I feel seen. I feel like you're describing my situation with utmost precision and realism. Although I haven't started dating anyone as of now, but the very thought of doing so makes me uncomfortable af. I haven't really dug deep into this "discomfort", but I certainly will because this can't keep happening.
I don’t know if you can make a video on this but how can people communicate sexual boundaries? This is something I struggle a lot with because of my culture and modern dating culture feels like it assumes sex will happen
Just straight up ask them? I started stright up asking guys I went on dates with (yeah it’s a little awkward but if they can’t get Over it then they’re not right for you)and if they said no then that’s how I know. They will understand, not every guy wants to get in your pants.
Dating doesn't mean sex. Don't let Men fool you. Have Sex...when you are in a relationship.
Yeah I felt the pressure of hooking up for a while and realized it wasn’t for me as I realized I am Demi sexual. Hooking up is not for everyone and that’s ok.
You're right, it's something that needs to be talked about way more. Too many people still don't know or care to respect their sexual partner's consent and sexual boundaries. It's something I think is important to discuss with anyone you might be physically intimate with. We don't have the same approach when it comes to sex and it's ok, some people have a high sex drive and will like to engage in casual sex or hook up on the first date. Some people will like to take things slow, and some won't even ever want to have sex. The important thing is to make sure your partner is attentive to what you want, what you don't, and that they care about respecting your consent through every step (asking for consent isn't a turn off, I assure y'all). What is also important is that you and your partner are sexually compatible. I'm asexual and sexual desire for me is at best very conditional. In practice, I hardly ever feel it. My ex was very sexual and wasn't mindful of my boundaries and consent and this resulted in a lot of coercion and trauma. Because of said trauma, I am currently unable to have sex unless I'd be very triggered. My current partner has known about this since when we were friends, and is extremely careful about my boundaries, and as he isn't a very sexual person either, is okay with not having sex with me, even being in an exclusive relationship. We just do all the rest and we're cool with that. Sex doesn't necessarily have to happen, but the expectation that it has is very pervasive and a lot of ppl find themselves in situations they are not okay with.
Sorry if this was tmi, I figured it might help since I used to feel the same as you. Calm conversations are the way to go, if you feel safe enough with the person.
@@imaspecialgirllalala thank you for recounting your own story/experience.
I recently broke up with a partner of 7 years because I could always see their potential, always felt safe and secure with them and loved being with someone (I have abandonment issues I am working on mixed with commitment issues too). But over time, their mental health and lack of growth wore me down and it hurt so much more to leave someone I still cared for because I saw the what ifs but after 7 years of growth my needs were still not met.
The first part of your video really hit hard, and is a reminder to me there is a difference between a partnership/companionship and a relationship.
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7 years down the drain hope you learned your lesson
@chiki briki wasn't down the drain at all. It was a lot of time to invest but I learned a lot, loved a lot. I was cared for ultimately as much as I cared for them. It hurt and still hurts and there is a lot I would've done differently but it was not down the drain in the slightest.
@@DaxVerus I don't think most people will understand, but some do, believe me, I was in the same situation as you, 6 year long realtionship, we still love each other but I felt like we completely outgrew each other's needs and desires. People who didn't know her personally never understand why I don't think of the relationship as "wasted years" and why I'd do it all over again if I had to, it made me a better person.
I wish this video would've been out like 8 months earlier
I was thinking the same thing. I wish I found her 8 months earlier as well
As always, you are so spot on, Ana!! I love how you start off with the question "what do I like about them?". I would even add that if your answer is all about how they make you FEEL, instead of the qualities they have, then that might also be a sign that you mostly just like the attention and affection. For example "I like how they make me feel special"-- obviously this is important, but it's focused on your feelings, not who the other person actually is. Something like "I like how thoughtful they are towards their friends and family" is an indication of their character!! It's easy to give someone attention, it's hard to fake being thoughtful and caring.
this hit me like a freight train... i have a crush on this dude and we’ve been talking but im getting the feeling he’s not interested in who i am as a person
Ana, during the last portion of this video, it’s as if you were speaking exactly to a situation that I’m currently struggling with. I find it so difficult to trust my instincts due to trauma, but I want to cultivate healthy boundaries, so I’ve been trying to figure out how to distinguish between trauma and genuine instincts. I feel reassured that I’ve made the right decision by exiting a potentially toxic situation early. This is exactly what I needed. Thank you so much! I adore your channel.
9:40 Hit hard, every past relationship I've had, they've done this. It makes you feel crazy and as if you're just an emotional wreck. Remember that you're feelings and struggles are valid. If you have been clear with your partner and they still act as if the way you're acting is out of nowhere, that's their problem. Remember that if you're willing to acknowledge their issues, they should give you the same treatment.
Do you think some people just don’t feel “bubbly”/really excited when they first enter a relationship, or is that a sign it will not work out at the end? I have just started seeing someone that I objectively “like” (I see his good qualities and that his goals match up with mine), but I don’t necessarily feel like spending all my time with him. I’m not sure if it’s just me that takes time to warm up to someone, or does that show incompatibility especially in the beginning of relationships?
My mom was like that and now she loves my father very much but of course that really depends on the person ☺️
Leave him
@@Aakash_Goswami1 I-
my feelings with my partner started that way but lo we're almost 4 years now.
I’ve seen many examples where a relationship that is a ‘slow burn’ tends to be the one that is loving and very long-term. Sometimes the whirlwind things have a whirlwind ending too, and lower lows. As Shakespeare said, “These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which, as they kiss, consume. The sweetest honey
Is loathsome in his own deliciousness
And in the taste confounds the appetite.
Therefore love moderately. Long love doth so.”
any suggestions on how to understand our intuition? i often cannot distinguish between my anxitey and intuition
Breeny Lee has made an amazing video about that exact topic lately :)
@@marija5916 will check it out, thank you💕
That's such a great question!
Personally, i wish i had learned to recognize my own anxiety in regards to relationships. It can sabotage good things.
Full disclosure, i am a guy.
There is a different nature and level of importance to a woman being protective in who she allows in her life. I get that, but can't fully understand what that is like, so i give that as a disclaimer because if your intuition or anxiety is guiding you away from someone based on self-preservation or safety, it is always better to err on the side of caution.
One other disclaimer. Guys can be jerks. But many of those jerks have developed a skill at masking their "jerkness".
So, with those things being said, when i reflect back on my own mistakes in relationships that were based on my anxiety, here are a few ways i would say help to differentiate between the two.
1. Anxiety often "creates" issues. Intuition typically revolves around some truths you know about the other person. Intuition is often based in reality. Anxiety is based in our minds and our past.
2. Buy yourself more time to clarify. Truly decent men will always give you that time. For example: if you are not sure you want to be alone with a guy on a date, ask him to do something in a group. If you aren't sure if he is just trying to hook up, make him wait several dates for a first kiss. The more time you make a guy wait to get what he wants, the more likely you are to see the true nature of his intentions.
3. MOST of the time, when you act on your intuition, you have a positive feeling about your decision. Anxiety often leaves you feeling regret.
4. It's important to know the root of your anxieties in order to understand what may be triggering that anxiety. Personally, my parents divorced when i was 10. I dealt with a lot of abandonment issues in relationships. I constantly had fears of not being "enough" for someone. I withdrew from relationships where i knew the other person cared. If someone has not done anything to validate your fears, you need to rely on their words and actions, NOT your "worst nightmare" scenarios.
5. Ask your friends and/or parents for advice. That can obviously be tricky in situations like mine where my parents were the main root cause of my anxiety, but if you have a healthy relationship with your parents, include them. ***important... YOU still need to live out your relationships, so do so sparingly, but when you feel stuck, don't be afraid to let someone else help you. Sometimes, people that can look at a relationship from the "outside" can offer great insight.
6. Express your anxiety to your partner. A true gentleman will comfort you in a manner that has your best interest in mind. If he responds negatively to your expression of anxiety, that confirms it was probably your intuition trying to protect you. Don't be afraid to expose your feelings about your anxiety. The best thing you can do is be your authentic self. It not only gives you an opportunity to grow as a person, but it gives your partner a chance to display their character in their response AND it gives your relationship a chance to grow.
Anyone can love us in our strengths and at our best, but real love is displayed best when someone sees our flaws.
I hope this helps. The fact that you even ask a question like this shows a lot of emotional maturity. I hope you learn to distinguish between your anxiety and intuition!
@@calledtoanswer thank you soo much for that extensive answer! I've had that question in my mind for about a month now as I get to know someone new. If you celebrate it, Merry Christmas! Stay safe and healthy!
@@chloeme3589 Glad to help a little!
Anxiety is such a complicated and nuanced subject, so my advice is incomplete and imperfect, but hopefully some helpful guidelines.
There is typically going to be some level of anxiety (nervousness) around someone new, but that should come from a "positive place". You know, hoping they like you cause you like them.
Don't go out of your way to look for red flags, but pay attention when you notice them. If you have a history of choosing "the same type of guy", then pay closer attention.
If you grew up with any sort of dysfunction (given the divorce rates are 50%, most of us have), then you may not even realize or notice the way your subconscious is "attracted to" similar dysfunction.
Ask friends that know you and that you trust, whether you have a type like that.
Pay attention to who his friends are too. If most of his friends are jerks, then he may be one too and is just playing a role to get your guard down.
Don't let attraction be the main reason for pushing forward. It's a good thing to have, but character matters more when it comes to long term success or happiness.
Hope things go well for your new relationship, but always remember, a relationship should never define your happiness.
Keep growing and learning to understand your anxiety, so hopefully it becomes less and less of a factor for you as you move forward in life.
Make sure you talk about it with someone as well. Someone that can help measure your growth in that area.
If you don't have a resource to help like a friend, relative, pastor, or mentor, don't be shy about seeking therapy. It can be an invaluable asset in helping you work through anxiety.
Merry Christmas to you as well!
I feel like I can't trust my "intuition" anymore when it's around guys and relationships because before my last one I was sure that "this is going to be the guy for the next 10-15 years(edit: at least)" and it turned out highly emotionally and mentally abusive (was a Narcissist..). I, now, just take into account what a person says and does (and how that aligns) which I think is very good and better than before because it decreases the potential thinking (at least a bit) and therefore saves me from future-faking. I read a great reply to a comment here explaining that intuition is around truths and anxiety rather "creates" a problem and is based/rooted on/in past experiences. If anyone is trying to find an answer to it too.
You aren't a narc
Well said. I'm struggling with this too
This is something I struggle with, not knowing whether a person is relationship material or whether I'm ready for a relationship, so I'm glad I found this video!
I think it's best to go into a relationship as a friend talk have fun but don't let sex get in the way it will cause a problems nothing is wrong with relationship with a male but stop going to every relationship that this man is going to be your husband or your boyfriend your checking the guy out and he is checking you out
I experienced narcissistic abuse and it was exactly what you explained, as well as him having psychopathic behavior. I’m worried and scared of coming across it again; it took too much out of me and hesitant to go through the ups and downs of dating again.
let me guess, you let someone treat you poorly because they had money and now you want to pretend its a sad story because you didn't get what you wanted.
ayyyy doctoral candidate!!
I have a few behaviors that seemed “off” to me in my past relationship, but I’m not 100% sure if they were controlling or manipulative. (It was my first relationship)
1) Asking me not to get close with her friends but still brining me around them
2) Belittling comments about my health and fitness routine (huge value of mine)
3) Judging and not interacting with my community of friends and support groups
From what I gather, it could be involuntary or voluntary behavior, but in all cases probably not the relationship you want to be in. Belittling and judging the other person for things that matter a lot to them seems like a pretty good red flag
I would add that they don't have to be extra-friends with your friends, but they should respect that relationship and try to be a good presence around them to a degree
As someone who has just recently left an unhealthy, long-term relationship (which also happened to be my first romantic relationship), I appreciate that TH-cam showed me this video on my main page. You bring up some excellent points and give me crucial questions to think about. Thank you so much.
This video should be taught in school to every single guy and girl. This is fact !!!! Thank you
Thank you so much for this!! You’re amazing Ana! I appreciate all the videos you make, every one of them never fails to teach me something & I love learning something new every day so thank you! ☺️💗
I like that you suggested to ask yourself if you have room in your life for a relationship right now. That is a really good question and I don't think I've ever considered it when entering into relationships!
Communication and Effort. THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS!
Along with HONESTY
I should have seen the red flags. When I told him I didn't like it when he would scroll through Instagram liking photos of girls in string thongs called "cosplayers". I told him it was disrespectful to be in bed with me looking at naked women. At the time Instagram had a section where you could view post people liked or account your friends/community followed. I was scrolling through it when the half-naked photo of the girl showed up and it said he liked it. I showed him and told him how I felt he was pissed and called me crazy, controlling, didn't trust him, insecure and more. So I kept scrolling to see if there were more and there were so many. I looked at some of the accounts and asked how is this cosplay if she doesn't have anything on. I asked to see his phone he said no. I asked him to show me his feed and to just scroll down he did. Every other photo was of a girl holding her breasts or covering her V and he just laughed and said those are cosplayers or that he didn't like those photos but he can't control what they post. His solution was to unfriend me from social media so I would have to see it. I was stupid and stood with him for five years after that. Two years before I ended the relationship I told him I didn't feel comfortable with how close he was getting with a female coworker he was friends with in high school, he would sometimes pick her up or drop her off in his car. I told him how I felt and he called me jealous, insecure, controlling, and more. When we broke up for the last time. I found out he had feelings for her and his male coworkers knew about they would text about her and say she was his wife. I ended it when he went into the military and after I supported him and sent him encouraging letters while he was in training he caught feelings for a 20-year-old girl. This time I was crazy because he saw her as his LITTLE sister and he could never. I ended it because he decided to get drunk with her and his squad and post photos with her. After he had planned to spend time with me on video chat because were hundreds of miles away and had not spoken in a while. A few days after we broke up they posted photos of them in bed half-naked on snap chat. When I said it's over he said " finally, I'm happy you're making the right choice" If only I would have realized that the first time was a red flag. I feel so stupid for allowing this to happen.
I’d really love a video looking at the psychology behind PUA tactics or rather how to identify them. I feel like most of the techniques are so subtle, it’s hard to recognize when you’re being manipulated since they make you think you’re crazy.
Also one on how you’re cultivating you’re intuition and steps we can take to become more self-aware!
I had a friendship where I was subjected to almost all of those abuse signs detailed in this video... I knew, on an instinctual level, that is wasn't good for me, yet I always found ways of rationalizing it (as the person in question certainly was dealing with their own struggles, traumas, etc.). It ended with me door-slamming and ghosting on them after one final blow-up... never regretted that decision, as I frankly saw no civil way of ending it. Made me become a lot more conscious of how the people I surround myself with affect me emotionally.
This was recommended at a good time 😂. Honestly taking this to heart to really find the answer. I’m seeking someone who has a great personality, and who loves themselves mentally and physically. If there’s no personality, then I’m just talking to a robot. I’ve come across a lot of incompatibility, even the girls that are “so pretty”.
Happy to hear you're now a candidate! Keep it up! I hope this pandemic isn't to hard on you and your family. I wish you amazing holidays and an awesome new year!
The best 3 ?’s to ask a potential mate ? Predetermine the 3 most important things in your life, then ask them how they view each topic. Everyone is different find your own way.
Great video. Blunt examples that really hit the point. Also, I love how you have timestamps.
Ana, you speak and present all these concepts so clearly, it feels like your words penetrate straight into the soul.
So happy to have stumbled upon your chanel.
Thank you Ana. This video was so needed for my situation right now with this guy I just started seeing. Thanks for the wisdom!
This is incredibly helpful. I was wondering if there was something wrong with me, since people normally date in high school and I haven’t yet, but this video has helped me decide that I haven’t yet met someone who is worth the hassle. Thanks, Ana!
I can confirm that this is all very important and helpful advice. Sometimes things don't work out between people because they just don't want the same things in life and have different needs. There's someone for everyone so have fun, don't force anything, love and respect yourself and you'll find your perfect match :)
You are amazing Ana ,thanks for bringing the empirical research to public.
Can I just say how much I’m in LOVE with Ana’s cat eye ❤️❤️
Perfectly executed, Ana! Thank you !
So happy you blew up. Been a big fan for a while. Amazing advice always
Just got dumped, I kept seeing our past through rose colored lenses, until I watched this video and realized majority of no.4 describes her. Thank you, this will help me get over it so much easier.
This is how I figure out if I want to be in a relationship:
-I ask myself if I want to be I relationship.
-I say no.
-I continue with my life.
This is very nice, if it is really your state of mind and you don't lie to yourself. Like i did.
Looking forward to watching after work, admittedly I know very little about relationships!! 💜
I never been dumped in any relationships I had thank you i always do the dating thing
So many items, it narrows down the % of people to maybe like 1% or 2%, yet even meeting someone is hard enough, I wonder how people even end up in good relationships.
Your videos are sobering and honest, thank you.
If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in poor company. Personally accountable, self-discipline, mentally mature, and intelligent people, are content with being by themself, with their thoughts in silence; the less you have going on inside your mind the more you're driven to distraction from the outside... the more time you spend talking, the less time you spend thinking, and a constant need for mindless self-indulgence and instant gratification, is a distraction to avoid being alone with your thoughts; don't expect anything from others that you don't expect from yourself.
I have no idea how I found this channel but I'm glad I did
doctoral candidate!!! so proud of you!! (the intro INSTANTLY striked me HAHA!)
Love your content. Maybe a video in texting styles and habits in early stages of dating and later on after establishing the relationship. I'm with someone who's not a texter but still asks me on dates and follows through with their words and plans. However, sometimes I don't hear from him for a day or two and it seems okay and normal to him
To some people, words on a phone are hollow, if you like him and want to spend time with him, then make an effort and voice it, real-world personal interaction is the only way to build an honest relationship and truly know someone.
to many persons confuse lust with love and then wonder why things go wrong also too many mismatched signs that dont work been there done that
Boom! I think that’s correct
Wow! This is a really good video about this topic! I also find it very helpful that you give positive and negative examples to make your points clear. Wish I had seen this video a few years ago.. might have saved me a lot of drama..
Anyway, thanks for this wonderful content!
Whether my ex did it knowingly or not, I became isolated from my family who were the people I'd go to if I needed to talk about something and my ex discouraged me from talking to them by saying we should keep relationship stuff between us because he didn't want their image of him to be tainted. He had a habit of stonewalling and conflicts were incredibly emotionally painful and it got instilled in me that my actions have consequences. When he found out I talked to my mom about something, he had put the responsibility on me to "fix" their perception of him even though it wasn't even something that would have made them feel differently about him. My fear of conflict held me back and if I had enough strength in me to say even something to any of them, we likely wouldn't have lasted as long as we did (nearly 5 years).
I love your content! Thank you Ana!
Thanks for incorporating intuition I love that.
Very sound advice, Ana. Thank you for all your research. I wish you all the best in your studies and in achieving your goals. Blessings.
Needed this. Amazing video as always!
I followed along the video by writing in journal , and its helped see my current relationship differently ( in a good way) and see my past ones in a bad way
Great work Ana. Totally in line with what my therapist & I do
Wow, I'm so thankful for TH-cam's algorithm. New follower here!
This was an interesting watch. Dude here, still nodded along, because this all seems quite straightforward. Not that I have any dating experience, I don't, but it does seem like a pretty solid set of questions to go asking yourself.
Hello Ana, this is the first time your channel has come across my youtube. I read the title and found it interesting. After watching your video I found your video to be very insightful and helpful. I appreciate the examples given with each question. Thank you Ana for the invaluable information.
the first chapter had been my problem with my relationships so far... in the first stages I would lie to myself saying oh its gonna be different this time shes different but really when i step back i feel like many girls not just this one could fill the void.
And what's wrong with that? We're compatible with many people, and many of them can work out. There will always be girls who have things your partner doesn't. But the key is that despite that, you choose to stay with yout partner, even if there will be many others who might be compatible with you
oooof all of us single ladies need to give this a good listen...real talk!
these are all good points, kudos, Ana.
Me, a single person without any special person in my life right now, listening to your advices intently at midnight instead of sleeping: 👀✍🏻
lol 😂 same
Thank you you helped me a lot on filtering my next relationships. Hope I'm gonna find someone compatible with me too. 😊
This video helped me a LOT. Thank you 🙏
This is very helpful and not just for dating. I should listen to my intuition more in general, its right very often, however it's hard to distinguish what is your intuition and what is desire or greed or wishful thinking
Ana, I love your channel! Thanks for your time and helpful insight. Can you please talk about manipulation in dating apps? I've recently experienced "intermittent reinforcement" from a guy I was chatting with, who clearly knew the power of it (he is a neuroscientist). I felt emotionally manipulated. What can I look for at the texting/messages before deciding to meet a guy in person?
I feel pretty bad about myself after being in a bad relationship for years. The early signs where there all the time and I just ignored them.
At least now I learnt what to look for.
It’s not your fault
Something that gives me major red flags is that the person is used to abuse in their family. If they can treat their parents or siblings horribly because thats what's expected of strong bonds for them and vice versa it's gonna be a hell of a lot worse for a partner as "chosen family".
Very reasonable checklist to keep in mind!
I love this so much! All really valid points :)
16:06 - 17:27 LOVE this point! You could make a whole video out of that!
THIS👏VIDEO👏IS👏SOOOO👏NEEDED!!!! Thanks Ana.
This person seems so unbelievably healthy that it is to the point where it is kind of disturbing
Hahaha
That smol dose of kitty ♥️🐱
Just got out of a 7 yr relationship.. I timk its to the point where we haven't even lived together since August and have only talked a handful of timesbut we might still be together since meither of us wants to let go completely, one day I'll wake up and I know she'll be comfortable in a new relationship while still keeping tabs on me makimg sure I can't hurt her until she completely moved on.
You're so smart and anyone would be lucky to have you with the great head gou have on uour shoulders, plus your features are perfext. No idea how I fohnd this video.. but thanks kinds needed this
this video was all the reality check i need it!!
Awwww love the intro with the music and kitty!!
Awwwww! Yes, everybody is learning, I hope you are too at whatever your goal or goals are 😊
"Timing can make things hard, but never imposible"
- Ana Psychology , 11:29
Super quote :)
Wow, just a few mins into the video and my entire view on relationships changed..