Asking about asexuality - identifying happiness
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 23 ต.ค. 2023
- “If an identity makes you happy, that’s worth paying attention to.”
Meet Michael:
🥋 Black Belt
🌲Hiker
🐲 Dungeons and Dragons player
🅰 Identifies as Ace
Michael stumbled across the term ‘asexuality’ at the library one day - and he suddenly found himself reflected on the page.
This week is Ace week and we’re celebrating the breadth of Victoria’s beautiful queer community and speaking with people who identify as Ace. Ace describes identities that fit into the asexual spectrum, like asexual or aromantic.
#aceweek #ace #dnd #asexuality #LGBTIQA+
Asexuality is an umbrella term. Like all umbrella terms, it brings together multiple sub groups, like greysexuality or demisexuality, and doesn't distinguish between them.
Before I realised I was asexual, I thought I fit 'the default', and straight dudes get chicks, right? It's only once I realised this that I realised that I was going through inauthentic learned behaviour rather than that I'm doing what the rest is doing. My lack of 'success with the ladies', even when they were interested, also came through self-sabotage because deep down I didn't want a sexual relationship with that person. Sometimes I didn't even want any relationship at all, but they were just the 'best fit around me'. I didn't realise that wasn't love because I didn't know love.
All of that really skewed my perspective of women and made me see them still as a human, but separately as an object to win over. These two couldn't mix. I couldn't see them as 'a person to win over' because then the reality of me seeing them as a person and the fantasy of me wanting to win them over would clash.
I'd like to think I've always been kind, but I know I've done some hurtful stuff to people in retrospect. People who were and weren't into me. I couldn't remember most of it because me being a creep was just another tuesday for me. And all those who I saw as friend, who I was authentic with, but who did develop feelings for me with me being completely unaware that I was stringing them along.
Now that I could shed this fantasy, I can now see everyone with the humanity they deserve. There is no inner calculation going on anymore and it's freeing. Acknowledging my asexuality made me cut out all that toxic learned patriarchal behaviour, and made me a much better person to myself and my loved ones.
wow, thanks for sharing. I've heared a lot of storrys by aces but this is the one resonating the most with me in reguards to seeing others throu a socialy learned lense bevore realizing I'm ace. I never got into a relationship but the world views and concepts were there and jet I was releaved when something "developing towards a relationship" fell apart because beeing outside a relationship made more sense deep down then beeing in one. And jet this increased the preassure to fullfill social standarts of hetronormative interactions because because every rejection felt like a failure that increased the need for compensation and approval... I can at least say that I was too introverted to have contacts in wich I could have reproduced patriarchal relationship dynamiks but non the less those were dark times for me.
It is really funny, I tend towords the sex repulsed as well as aro and demi ends of the spectrum and have a very very sex positiv best friend, who turned out to also be on the ace spec once she was in a very happy loving relationship, where sex was no longer the only way to get any touch or validation. We are pretty much polar opposites and while it's easy to get why I am ace, most would not notice or recognise it in her... People are shocked to learn, that shè barely ever sleeps with her wonderful fiance, since neither feels the need to do so
I am having a similar experience in my marriage! I once, out of fear from past experiences, asked my partner if they'd divorce me for the lack of sex. They said: "For that? Why would I?" and even though they probably didn't realize it, that was just one of the most healing things a partner has ever said to me.
This is incredible. Glad to see the word being spread!!
Similar with me for fraysexuality. It's under the ace umbrella, kind of the opposite of demisexual, so usually very looked down upon. Only being sexually attracted to people you don't know and as soon as you get to know them, this sexual attraction goes away. Was a huge problem in past relationships, because we'd go wild for the first few weeks, but as soon as I learned more and more about them, and we told each other 'i love u', the attraction thing was over.
Being told all my life this was trauma I had to work with. Went to therapy, did all the stuff, but it kept happening in all of my relationships except for one. That one was the only one where I didn't really have any feelings for the person and they were very very sexual so they usually initiated and since I don't dislike sex itself, I went along with it.
Hearing about fray made me go "THAT IS ME" just the way he described it. It was a rollercoaster I went on, especially since I am already married, so in a very committed relationship. Nowadays it's just a part of myself that I don't talk about much, but it has helped me to quiet down the voices inside my head that were created by family and friends in young years always telling me that something was wrong with me and I had to be fixed.
We are not broken. It's just attraction that we don't feel or only under very specific circumstances. We don't hurt anyone directly with our sexuality or the lack thereof. So I just wish people would stop telling other people that something is wrong with them just because they might not feel the same level of sexual attraction than others do.
Btw love his Torii necklace. Very cute. Would love to hang out and have a chat with this guy if he ever comes to Japan, since I live there :)
I'm asexual and a dnd player too! Personally, I have no interest in sexual activity, and while I don't feel sexual attraction, I still recognize physical beauty. For me, I have very little interest in romantic relationships because I have a strong network of close friends whose support gives me all the social interaction I need. One important thing to know is that even if you don't want a relationship, and you're not interested in sex, you can still feel lonely and experience touch starvation