At this point, my patience, mindfulness, and forgiveness should allot me sainthood. 😂 I’m soooo exhausted that we have to constantly work around their baby feelings & horrible behavior. I love you, Amber I think you’re amazing. Your videos have helped me immensely. Sincerely, from a frustrated spouse of an AH of 10y.
Now that you mention it, I’ve always been this way. Even as a kid, I was the responsible one, the one who stood up and spoke out at times if I needed to to protect siblings etc.
Here's the link to the addicted family roles video 👉🏻👉🏻th-cam.com/video/PZjiczpWuwI/w-d-xo.html This is the video on Staying Sober During the Holidays: th-cam.com/video/G718wM7V-X4/w-d-xo.html
Hi it’s me, I’m the over functional one. When I find myself doing more than my share, I tell myself “well, I’d have to do it if I was alone” guess the lesson I am learning is to how to be independent. My AH cleans his room (yes, we have separate rooms) but doesn’t do much of anything else. But, if he does it’s always half ass. Cut the back yard, not the front. Folds laundry. Puts his things away, leaves towels and dish rags sitting on top of the dryer. Guess, he thinks he only needs to take care of “his” things. It’s mind boggling.
I love your teaching I listen daily-My daughter is 15 yr alcoholic/drug addict This channel is helping me so much!!! She back tracked occasionally I’m learning to respond as you teach It is giving me peace and she is seeing what she needs to do to stay in recovery Thank you Amber
I have always struggled with anger , resentments, and unforgiveness. I have been working on it with a therapist and 12 step sponsor, and it is getting better. I was told that resentments only hurt you, not the wrongdoers. I had to write down my resentments and how they affected me to see the damage to motivate me to let go. I also had to write down my part in the resentments so I could see where i was in the wrong, make amends, change behaviors, build my character and reconcile relationships if appropriate. Obviously there are some situations you don't play a part like if you were abused. I really get into psychology and human behavior so I like to understand why people act how they do for example mental illness. It helps to have compassion on them and to wish them well. This is NOT justifying or condoning it just helps to understand, have compassion, and wish them well. Its also not good to get revenge, not only because of consequence but they will get their karma and there will be justice. If it motivates them to change and make anends be happy for them.
I’ve always been validated for being the over achiever or the responsible one. It played right into being married to an alcoholic. Resentment and lack of trust is huge. And feeling like I have to shoulder all the emotions because the alcoholic can’t handle the reality of the situation is frustrating & adds to the resentment.
I have been over functioning for way too long. I’m struggling to even be cordial to my fentanyl addicted husband at this point. I have spent the past year and a half doing my best to follow your great advice but I’m still the bad guy in his eyes. I’m at my wits end.
This EXACT topic today couldn't have been spoken more perfectly to me!! If I were to walk inside your office right now or pick up the phone and give you a call, your words would probably be these exact words, so thank you for doing this show a couple hours ago because I feel like it was spoken directly to me, if that makes sense. Or it could be me trying to think I came across this video as a sign in regards to not giving up and try to just keep my faith! Because today definitely seems to be one of those more difficult days for some reason to get through, while battling the life of living with your addicted alcoholic spouse! 😔 Is there a way to know your upcoming schedule for when you do live shows? I would love to be able to participate during one of your live shows, especially the topic this morning! It would have been perfect for me, to have had you to talk to during my lowest point this morning. I just don't know when you do your live shows. Thank you again for all that you do in regards to addiction!
Oh yeah! My spouse has decided to take over the yardwork at our home/ Air BnB. I do the inside cleaning and don't want to do both. I was hiring it out. The problem is he does a xxxxxx job. He lets it get too long and doesn't edge it and minimal weeding. I'm not too picky, but guests can be! I'm trying to bite my tongue, but we have already had a complaint about them being worried when they showed up and the grass needed to be mowed, but they were very happy with the apartment. We can't afford to live here without the rental income and you live and die by reviews! So I'm anxious and getting resentful, but trying to let him step up...
I wish my partner would have been willing to do this instead of emotionally abusing me for almost 9 years to keep his porn addiction up and add a meth addiction last year. I can grow all I want (and I am and I will) but he just won't. He's going to ruin another poor woman's precious years of her life.
So if an alcoholic doesn’t do any of these things.. he keeps his job, pays all the bills , doesn’t let anyone down or cause problems.. is it still a problem? He would drink a bottle of vodka every 2 days. From the time he got off work till he went to sleep. But never caused any problems or had any consequences. So is it still a problem? I just worried about his health and about him daily.
Yes! If he drinks a bottle of vodka every 2 days it’s a problem. Soon he will crave more alcohol when he builds up a tolerance. If you understand what alcohol does to the brain and body when consumed this regularly, you wouldn’t be confused whether it’s a problem. Logically would there ever be a good reason to drink a bottle of vodka (poison) every 2 days? No there is not. He is just a highly functional alcoholic for now. With time it will crumble.
Substance Use Disorders aren't based on what or how much of something a person does. They're based on the amount of problems it causes. BUT, just because a person can maintain things now, doesn't mean they'll always be able to. People can usually function for a while, but they progressively lose their ability to do so.
@@PutTheShovelDownthis is so true Amber, my husband was a very high functioning alcoholic until he wasn’t . He always paid the bills kept the same job for many years always took care of us (family) until his drinking got so bad that he lost his high paying job he had for over 13yrs. Now he’s 51 looking for employment and he’s still drinking vodka day and night now complaining about physical ailments refusing to see a doctor or talk to a counselor. I want to leave it I can’t because we just bought our home 1yr ago. I’m super exhausted and feel very alone in our home. 😢
?(off topic but) how long on average does it take for a drug addict to come away from their psychosis?…my sister is getting noticeably better but still thinks there’s people out to get her
Amber, what is your thought on tapering (weaning off). H has been trying to quit cold turkey but he just keeps failing and (he is the main provider so it’s hard to take days off), then lying to me again out of shame and I just feel betrayed ready to just give up - which he knows I am ready to leave. I finally suggested something I am not sure about - I suggested he tries to taper, so that instead of being sneaky and feeling guilty why doesn’t he just try to cut down slowly and just be honest - I’ve done it With antidepressants or even Vicodin once back in the day so this might be a solution - boy the honesty I got, the openness about it, he is actually doing it. He doesn’t want any other help and I just didn’t know what else to do cuz I am ready run so it felt like there is nothing to loose. Just hope not falling for another trap.
Tapering is one of those things that should work in theory, but in reality, it doesn't usually work with addicts. If they could control their use, it wouldn't be an addiction. It's the nature of the beast.
Here's a video I made on that topic: th-cam.com/video/QUG2gr2m--k/w-d-xo.html and here's a video where I interviewed a couple who use those medications to come off drugs. th-cam.com/video/-9piXFPyuhU/w-d-xo.html
Hi Amber, well ,, this is definitely one of your best ever uploads . So much good ,, experience and knowledge shared here . I’ll only add ,, once my partner stopped going camping( hiding it ) ,, and decided to camp out on the home sofa ,, I was in trouble. It’s like a Jekyll & Hyde ,, thing where Hyde is hidden behind the sofa ,, but one day ,, throws Dr Jekyll under the bus ,, and becomes Mr Hyde sat in full view,, ,, on the sofa . Not in public just in front of me . And then positive reinforcement,, my mother , think 💭, Shirley Temple ,, ( adopted to care for a woman with MG in 1936 ) became a deputy head teacher ,, ( under 11s) . She ALWAYS used positive reinforcement,,,, why be negative? ,, she would introduce herself,, “ I was never very good at this “” . Humility and self deprecating,, to start , gets the best from people. This was learned,, in the day when there was only the Christian Church and the silver screen,, at this time my grandparents could not READ . Love and understanding works best . 🎉❤
At this point, my patience, mindfulness, and forgiveness should allot me sainthood. 😂 I’m soooo exhausted that we have to constantly work around their baby feelings & horrible behavior. I love you, Amber I think you’re amazing. Your videos have helped me immensely. Sincerely, from a frustrated spouse of an AH of 10y.
This has been SO helpful for me. It's as if you were watching my own life and putting it into words. Thank you!
You’re so very 🤗
Now that you mention it, I’ve always been this way. Even as a kid, I was the responsible one, the one who stood up and spoke out at times if I needed to to protect siblings etc.
Here's the link to the addicted family roles video 👉🏻👉🏻th-cam.com/video/PZjiczpWuwI/w-d-xo.html This is the video on Staying Sober During the Holidays: th-cam.com/video/G718wM7V-X4/w-d-xo.html
Thank you, Amber [@PutTheShovelDown]
Hi it’s me, I’m the over functional one. When I find myself doing more than my share, I tell myself “well, I’d have to do it if I was alone” guess the lesson I am learning is to how to be independent. My AH cleans his room (yes, we have separate rooms) but doesn’t do much of anything else. But, if he does it’s always half ass. Cut the back yard, not the front. Folds laundry. Puts his things away, leaves towels and dish rags sitting on top of the dryer. Guess, he thinks he only needs to take care of “his” things. It’s mind boggling.
@@Sunny_Day1111 if my husband would fold and put away his own laundry I'd be in shock!
I love your teaching I listen daily-My daughter is 15 yr alcoholic/drug addict This channel is helping me so much!!!
She back tracked occasionally I’m learning to respond as you teach It is giving me peace and she is seeing what she needs to do to stay in recovery Thank you Amber
Thank you so much for watching and especially for taking time to leave this nice comment!
I have always struggled with anger , resentments, and unforgiveness. I have been working on it with a therapist and 12 step sponsor, and it is getting better. I was told that resentments only hurt you, not the wrongdoers. I had to write down my resentments and how they affected me to see the damage to motivate me to let go. I also had to write down my part in the resentments so I could see where i was in the wrong, make amends, change behaviors, build my character and reconcile relationships if appropriate. Obviously there are some situations you don't play a part like if you were abused. I really get into psychology and human behavior so I like to understand why people act how they do for example mental illness. It helps to have compassion on them and to wish them well. This is NOT justifying or condoning it just helps to understand, have compassion, and wish them well. Its also not good to get revenge, not only because of consequence but they will get their karma and there will be justice. If it motivates them to change and make anends be happy for them.
I’ve always been validated for being the over achiever or the responsible one. It played right into being married to an alcoholic. Resentment and lack of trust is huge. And feeling like I have to shoulder all the emotions because the alcoholic can’t handle the reality of the situation is frustrating & adds to the resentment.
I have been over functioning for way too long. I’m struggling to even be cordial to my fentanyl addicted husband at this point. I have spent the past year and a half doing my best to follow your great advice but I’m still the bad guy in his eyes. I’m at my wits end.
Nailed it Amber, you are 100% on spot. Love all your Videos and have learned so much 🙏
Awww, thanks Steven!
This EXACT topic today couldn't have been spoken more perfectly to me!!
If I were to walk inside your office right now or pick up the phone and give you a call, your words would probably be these exact words, so thank you for doing this show a couple hours ago because I feel like it was spoken directly to me, if that makes sense.
Or it could be me trying to think I came across this video as a sign in regards to not giving up and try to just keep my faith!
Because today definitely seems to be one of those more difficult days for some reason to get through, while battling the life of living with your addicted alcoholic spouse! 😔
Is there a way to know your upcoming schedule for when you do live shows? I would love to be able to participate during one of your live shows, especially the topic this morning! It would have been perfect for me, to have had you to talk to during my lowest point this morning. I just don't know when you do your live shows. Thank you again for all that you do in regards to addiction!
I'm so glad this was helpful for you. I must have been picking up your signals 😜 I go live every Thursday at 1pm EST.
@@PutTheShovelDownOk, I will put it on my calendar! See you next Thursday! 😀
I’m in this exact spot. It’s situational. My son has had addiction issues. I’m keeping off the street by paying his rent. I have huge resentment.
Oh yeah! My spouse has decided to take over the yardwork at our home/ Air BnB. I do the inside cleaning and don't want to do both. I was hiring it out. The problem is he does a xxxxxx job. He lets it get too long and doesn't edge it and minimal weeding. I'm not too picky, but guests can be! I'm trying to bite my tongue, but we have already had a complaint about them being worried when they showed up and the grass needed to be mowed, but they were very happy with the apartment. We can't afford to live here without the rental income and you live and die by reviews! So I'm anxious and getting resentful, but trying to let him step up...
I wish my partner would have been willing to do this instead of emotionally abusing me for almost 9 years to keep his porn addiction up and add a meth addiction last year. I can grow all I want (and I am and I will) but he just won't. He's going to ruin another poor woman's precious years of her life.
So if an alcoholic doesn’t do any of these things.. he keeps his job, pays all the bills , doesn’t let anyone down or cause problems..
is it still a problem? He would drink a bottle of vodka every 2 days. From the time he got off work till he went to sleep. But never caused any problems or had any consequences.
So is it still a problem? I just worried about his health and about him daily.
Yes! If he drinks a bottle of vodka every 2 days it’s a problem. Soon he will crave more alcohol when he builds up a tolerance. If you understand what alcohol does to the brain and body when consumed this regularly, you wouldn’t be confused whether it’s a problem. Logically would there ever be a good reason to drink a bottle of vodka (poison) every 2 days? No there is not. He is just a highly functional alcoholic for now. With time it will crumble.
Substance Use Disorders aren't based on what or how much of something a person does. They're based on the amount of problems it causes. BUT, just because a person can maintain things now, doesn't mean they'll always be able to. People can usually function for a while, but they progressively lose their ability to do so.
@@PutTheShovelDownthis is so true Amber, my husband was a very high functioning alcoholic until he wasn’t . He always paid the bills kept the same job for many years always took care of us (family) until his drinking got so bad that he lost his high paying job he had for over 13yrs. Now he’s 51 looking for employment and he’s still drinking vodka day and night now complaining about physical ailments refusing to see a doctor or talk to a counselor. I want to leave it I can’t because we just bought our home 1yr ago. I’m super exhausted and feel very alone in our home. 😢
I have always been but it’s more prevalent since the addiction.
?(off topic but) how long on average does it take for a drug addict to come away from their psychosis?…my sister is getting noticeably better but still thinks there’s people out to get her
Amber, what is your thought on tapering (weaning off). H has been trying to quit cold turkey but he just keeps failing and (he is the main provider so it’s hard to take days off), then lying to me again out of shame and I just feel betrayed ready to just give up - which he knows I am ready to leave. I finally suggested something I am not sure about - I suggested he tries to taper, so that instead of being sneaky and feeling guilty why doesn’t he just try to cut down slowly and just be honest - I’ve done it With antidepressants or even Vicodin once back in the day so this might be a solution - boy the honesty I got, the openness about it, he is actually doing it. He doesn’t want any other help and I just didn’t know what else to do cuz I am ready run so it felt like there is nothing to loose. Just hope not falling for another trap.
Tapering is one of those things that should work in theory, but in reality, it doesn't usually work with addicts. If they could control their use, it wouldn't be an addiction. It's the nature of the beast.
@@PutTheShovelDown isn’t going cold turkey also showing that they can control their use?
Can you talk more about suboxone and methadone in the recovery process?
Here's a video I made on that topic: th-cam.com/video/QUG2gr2m--k/w-d-xo.html and here's a video where I interviewed a couple who use those medications to come off drugs. th-cam.com/video/-9piXFPyuhU/w-d-xo.html
Hi again, are you saying that the man coming home from work has to immediately do dishes instead of sitting down? Thanks
No. I’m just saying that that’s what his wife would love.
Ok thank you. It was to help him see her pov.
Yes, exactly!
I think I always had 🕊🙏🏼
It’s like you made this video for me
Have you seen much success with Naltaxone for alcohol abuse?
I've seen it work well for some, but not so much for others. Here's a video I made on that topic. th-cam.com/video/wCtXafwj7yQ/w-d-xo.html
This is so me! The over achiever.
❤
😮😮
Missed live again 🤦♂️
Me too🤦♂️ was at work…
Hi Amber, well ,, this is definitely one of your best ever uploads . So much good ,, experience and knowledge shared here . I’ll only add ,, once my partner stopped going camping( hiding it ) ,, and decided to camp out on the home sofa ,, I was in trouble. It’s like a Jekyll & Hyde ,, thing where Hyde is hidden behind the sofa ,, but one day ,, throws Dr Jekyll under the bus ,, and becomes Mr Hyde sat in full view,, ,, on the sofa . Not in public just in front of me . And then positive reinforcement,, my mother , think 💭, Shirley Temple ,, ( adopted to care for a woman with MG in 1936 ) became a deputy head teacher ,, ( under 11s) . She ALWAYS used positive reinforcement,,,, why be negative? ,, she would introduce herself,, “ I was never very good at this “” . Humility and self deprecating,, to start , gets the best from people. This was learned,, in the day when there was only the Christian Church and the silver screen,, at this time my grandparents could not READ . Love and understanding works best . 🎉❤
Yikes, that would be bad. Sounds like it got to the point that they stopped caring whether you knew it or not.