"Your compassion makes them sicker. Your compassion is supply. Your compassion is never taken sincerely. It's only taken as a sign of a weakness and something to be strategized and leveraged against you." ~ The more I loved him, the kinder I was, the more distorted, withdrawn, dysregulated he became. Before I understood, I would write in my journal, "He pushes me away, rejects/avoids me the more I love him. It's like he's allergic to love. When I pull away, he pulls me closer, creates a false sense of safety for emotional intimacy, then as soon as I feel safe to love him, the cycle repeats." I get it now. I felt crazy. It made no sense until I began to study personality disorders/CEN/trauma responses/CPTSD. I'm so grateful to be done with him and that phase of my life.
Totally just went through the exact same thing. Someone told me he was “avoidant attachment “ and not narcissistic. Does anyone know the difference? It’s a cycle of psychological bs. You feel like your losing your mind.
@@banderson6470 I think that narcs have avoidabt attachment style. They learn that from a parent. We, former codepebdents, have anxious attachment style. What is healthybis secure attachment.
1:55:23. 'Somebody tempted you, you took the bait, you entered a shared fantasy, signed the contract, and that shared contract devoured your soul.' Brilliant. Absolutely sums up the position of the co-dependant.
The experience with a narcissist teaches you that you can't trust noone but yourself to make you happy. His task was to make you codependent...but they get, sooner or later, the opposit. 👏 make your performance the best. Be the costar of your experience, the good guy of the film. This gets you into the habbit of being always the winer and without using others, Just you. Chin chin 😉
You have quoted the exact quote that I was going to. In religious (psychological) terms, it reflects Jesus being tempted in the desert for 40 nights, but it also mirrors the Israelites coming out of Egypt and being in the Wilderness (ie being tempted, doing something wrong, committing sin etc) and not getting to the Promised Land. Again, they were supposed to be in the Wilderness for a very short time, I think 40 days also, but ended up there for 400 years, because they didnt learn the lesson, they sinned against God, they complained, they didn't believe etc. I'm just bamboozled as to what it might have been that I got tempted with from the path, what was the bait, was it just the fantasy or was it something else?
Hi Richard, I left my narcissistic husband of 30 years, you really helped me get the courage to let it finally go. The sad thing is, I’m back listening to your videos because I’m seeing similar manipulative behavior with both of my adult sons. Keep doing what your doing, trust me your helping a lot of people. ❤️
It's so hard because parents breed this in their kids. My sister has NPD and my father, all of his siblings and his mother have it. They model it and kids see them winning with the behavior, in addition to them being traumatized, because it's essentially a particularly awful trauma response
@@betsyc6055 really they "see" them "winning"? Is it because they're *blind* ? Do they miss The deterioration part? The soullessness? The balding, warting, generally unpleasant black hole of a soul part? Wtf "see". Blindness!
I’ve been in therapy for over 15 years, and my therapist never mentioned Narcissistic behavior. Last year I learned what diagnostic reason for my husband’s behavior, it liberated me and knew how to, and not to respond . The way I coped all these years is by studying.
I only spent about a year total between 2 therapists and neither of them brought it up which is probably why I found it useless as they weren't even in the ballpark.
Attorneys and therapists earn so much money associated with the behaviors of the Cluster B personality disorders- that they would never dream of ending their extensive cash flow by mentioning to avoid it in the first place, or creating laws which could end their income. And the police departments earn most of their income from traffic tickets. They dispense those freely.
I gave up on love years ago. Narcissistic abuse almost cost me my life. I wouldn't even bore anyone with the blindsided essay I experienced. I'm ok by myself. I set boundaries and anytime I get into quicksand,I catch myself and set a boundary. Thank you for this lesson. Everything you're saying I lived. Betrayed by the one Ioved. I can love from a distance.
I have found it is better to be alone, than with bad company. This helped me: I set a schedule for myself, and I work on optimizing my physical health. Whole foods, exercise, and have fun with friends that treat you right. And hey, with the exercise? I got myself an electric bike. I can peddle and get exercise, or I can just Cruise the trails, it's so exhilarating. Nature heals. Get outdoors as often as possible. I am sending you strength, courage, and hugs, from Tulsa, Oklahoma, USA.💪🤺⚔️🫂☮️
That's exactly what they want. U don't ever get with anyone else and they're the last impression left upon you. They took u off the market for good and you'll never have a happy little family, just stuck ALONE and secluded. Hell no not me, I definitely will have a great companion and have an actual life. Even if I have to sirt through dirt to find gold. It's always worth it in the end. Even if they never see me happy, I know I'm successful and they didn't keep me down and forever broken with baggage
Eh they're professionals at reading people and body language even facial expressions. They can tell if someone is faking it to "hide" things. They developed this skill in childhood causing hyper vigilance. This kept them from being physically assaulted, yelled at, u name it. The codependent also develops hypervigilance and tried to "be friends and help" the aggressor. They know u like the back of their hand, and ALOT of times they may know u better than u know yourself. ALOT of bad things a person may deny, but they're external and externally see things about yourself that I don't see or notice. This is exactly how they ensnare you in the begining
I have got to say that the physical symptoms of Narcisstic abuse are so true and will clear up after leaving the relationship! My father likely has NPD, during my teens (individualization phase) I had Insomnia, eczema, extreme acne, diarrhea, and intrusive thoughts that all went away in the years after going no contact. Change was not immediate, but the virus was gone and my body could heal. Leave, things will get better for you if you believe they will.
Woah... I was wondering why I had itchy lumps on my fingers and hands while I was with her... and bad guts too. It was a constant state of anxiety and being trapped, even when I thought things were going well!
This video is both terrifying and healing at the same time. I’m 5 months out of a 7 yr relationship with a girl with bpd. The “hooks” he describes are exactly what I have. Emotional hooks. I had all the physical and mental symptoms he describes all the way down to skin problems. He’s right, therapists have not the slightest clue about narcissistic abuse, or even what narcissism is. In my 2 years of therapy they just rambled on just move on. Quoted books on bpd and npd symptoms. I already knew that! I was there to try and get better. I felt as I was near death. My energy was down to zero. They only thing that was on high was my anxiety and depression and my confusion was through the roof! I ended the relationship. Ironically my ex told me she was cutting all contact because she said I was toxic and I abused her the entire 7 years. So here I am trying to put the shattered pieces of my life and soul together. Where is she? 1 month out of the relationship she has already entered a new relationship. I pray for the next victim, as I barely escaped with my health and sanity. Help, we survivors are in desperate need of help!
But we really are stronger than we ever thought ro give ourselves credit for that's God saying wake up child I'm trying to show u u that u would rather be and should rather be the victim at the hands of a abuser and not the abuser cause if ur a victim the scripture describes us a lowley and he protects the young the old the lowley and the inexperienced ones why cause Satan is real and he goes after easy prey but Yet still jehovah God is stronger than Satan it's up to us who we give the power to and the beauty is God say it don't take much for me to safeguard u I just need u to give me something and mean it when u give it cause he will quickly lift up and step in to save souls that are saddened and broken spirits that are unfixable from no human hands see that's his job to do we have to acknowledge a higher being one we don't see fuk religion it's deeper that religion God said everyone will know my name whether they Wana or not he says through his word the Bible step by step basic 101 to gain his everything he says draw close to me and I will draw close to u that can mean anything any simple sincer heartfelt action ,but prayer for one is the grandest access cause it was set up for the privilege to pray to god was seeled in blood so he'll hear our prayer any way through Jesus name he be giving us the answers but also free will he allows us to live in how he created us or not cause he don't force or decision but he want to see real Ginuwine worship and acceptance
Same here, except my ex has been trying to get me back off and on since last year when I left. I was going to go back just for more revenge but I realized it hurts her more just being ignored by me. I hope you've managed to piece yourself back together again.
Couldn't agree w Richard more. For anyone out there holding onto "hope" I'm here to smash it alongside Richard. My ex was very willing to go to therapy. TWO therapists in different cities diagnosed him with full blown NPD without any prompting from me. If you believe knowing the diganosis helps, it made ZERO difference for me. Zero. And he used therapy as a way to tear down my character (telling the therapist full out lies about things he claimed I said or did) and used the therapist for supply. Any slight suggestion made toward him changing he shut down and rejected immediately. He has also had near death experiences from cancer twice in the time I knew him. Twice. Seriously. It made no difference. There is NO. HOPE. If you still think there is - that's your own grandiosity. 😉 PS my ex was 18 years older than me so - he's spot on about that as well.
My one experience with a couples therapist after a brutal discard: Ex got up and left after 5 minutes and the therapist said to me: “This is easy, he’s a narcissist and you’re co-dependent”. My response: “What does that even mean?” 😅
I did not know it because the covert (vulnerable) narc is the hardest to identify. During my marriage these issues were not in the fore front as they are now. I was married for 47 years and got very ill because of the covert abuse. Richard is correct. There is "NO HOPE" for these relationships, I was set free when my husband died. I have been in recovery now for several years and at age 73 having the best health and my best life ever,
People cling to hope because the wounded child in them is starved for love, and that's who's in the driver's seat hoping the narcissist can be healed, not the adult self who might otherwise be capable of grasping the futility (despite the promises and manipulations). It's not grandiosity. Be wary of the impulse to echo.
With my ex, who I just wouldn't give up on, everything got really really bad for me. "The devils temptation" took hold. I got to the point of hyper-somnia where if I wasn't at work or up and moving around, I'd be asleep within 15 minutes no matter how hard I fought sleep, I lost my voice, so ridiculously fatigued constantly even though I was sleeping 14+ hours a day, severe depression, anxiety to the point of shaking constantly and the more I tried to stop shaking the worse it got. I couldn't speak above a whisper for 2 months. As soon as I dumped her everything started getting better. I actually felt such a weight lift off of me that immediately after dumping her, I felt joy and I laughed as I finished saying that I was leaving her. Within 3 days I had my voice back. Within 2 weeks I wasn't sleeping so much and all of my mental health issues started getting better. I found myself in a survival mode of, "I have to get out. I will die if I don't." Once I got away from her, moving back home from 2 states away is when the grief finally set in. But then again I found myself dealing with a not-so-great family member and basically just dropped right back in to the survival mode until I was able to get my apartment after a month and a half. I've been in a crap financial situation since. And even though I'm dealing with that I'm still doing infinitely better than I was 10 months ago. Which is when I was ready, for the first time in my life, to stick a barrel in my mouth for the first and last time. But that's when I realized that I couldn't let her be the one to take me out. Because I knew that she would leach off of the attention she'd get from it for as long as she possibly could. And I wouldn't allow her to take any more from me.
Congratulations, you made the most difficult but the most significant decision- LEAVE! The first step back is the hardest once you found yourself being reeled into narcissistic abusive relationship. You made it on your own to decide and did it, I was helped with this decision when someone who really cares called 911 and two cops came to rescue me . . . I was dying literally in many aspects when I was with him, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well. “ I was blind but now I see! “ and I know him now! And never again would I let someone like him to be a part of my life. Then a miracle happened, simple folks with love and compassion in their hearts opened a door for me and taught me a lot of gift givings and family celebrations through their examples. I now live in a peaceful and safe home environment and learned a lot about boundaries for safeguarding.
I wanted to believe that I found a unicorn. Her facade was so convincing. Sure, as she told it she had problems and I fell for the sob story because she seemed like she was different in some way. Kind, gentle, innocent, loving. Never did it cross my mind that this was the form of social camoflage the predator had chosen to take in order to come disguised into my world. The wolf in sheeps clothing. I thought she was a self aware, rational, reasonable and humble person who knew her own faults, was empathetic and compassionate, and took responsibility for her own actions and was just in a difficult place in life due to circumstance. Imagine my horror a few years down the road, having suffered reactive abuse for years, when all those traits had seemingly vanished. I finally got out (3 weeks ago at the time of writing this) only to discover all those of traits I thought she possessed were nothing but illusions, lies and deceit... But I fell for her "I'm a really great person" story. Everything was a lie, she was in the place she was because of her own poor decisions, actions and words, but as she told it, she was where she was because of a vindictive and narcissistic ex partner who had systematically destroyed her life. Sound familiar? But as I said, I wanted to believe that I had found a unicorn. I now know there's no such thing. "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." - Dante
I celebrated 10 years divorce & freedom from being married for 16 years with someone with NPD. It's something that you will always be aware of for the rest of life itself. We have an epidemic of these type of people, so sad
Good for you! I was married 16 yrs to someone I believe is a full blown sociopath (after a lot of reading & studying, that’s my personal conclusion & opinion). I then married an addict/closet alcoholic! Now I’m on my own, I haven’t dated or anything since my 2nd divorce in 2018, but honestly feel happier in my life than ever before, which I never expected. I’m not saying I’m super happy & everything is wonderful, but I have come a long way. I was previously very unhappy, to give a reference of sorts. What you say is true though, the effects of living with someone like that stick with you & I also think there’s an epidemic of NPD & worse.
@@Ms.Stephanie.C mine was also a sociopath, my only son who's going to be 20 has been brainwashed with his lies as well. They are horrible people, I just hope he has enough life experiences to get away from him as well.
@@erikacruz4296 that’s really sad. The way they affect our kids is the worst. I have 2 estranged children. All they saw growing up when I was with him was him putting me down constantly, everything was my fault, he never took any responsibility…. so they learned how to treat me from him. It’s probably the saddest thing I’ve been through & in some ways worse than losing my oldest child in death. Because they ARE living, & they are CHOOSING to be mean.
I could not agree more with this. I too have said countless times over the past two years that personality disorders and the amount of people with them is an epidemic! It’s concerning and terrifying!!! The amount of hell these demons incite on human life and existence is insane.
Finally left my spouse/partner after nearly 24 years together. Spent the last couple of years working full time and going to school part time. The more time I took to take care of my needs, the more my spouse started getting aggressive and abusive. Effected a divorce a few months ago. Finally figured out I was dealing with a narc. Can't believe how much time I wasted trying to make things good.
My therapist of 10 years never mentioned narcissism in therapy because he was a malignant narcissist himself. I was so crushed when I saw him ...so naive... when I discovered he told someone else what I told him in therapy I quit. As time passed and I got perspective I discovered he had been betraying me all along. I've only learned about narcissism this past year. It's helped me understand so many things from my past.
Wild how we can see things more clearly and it rewrites the history of our memories 🤯 the reality can be worse than we allowed ourselves to see as well 😢
@@ashleykathryn9038 If she talks about other clients to you then I assure you...she IS talking about you to others. My therapist did the same thing... naively, I thought it meant he trusted me... it made me feel special. Now I know that is what malignant narcissists do to suck you in. Then I found out he was talking to others about me...friends of mine who I really cared about. I wasted thousands of dollars and 10 years of therapy...I can't afford therapy now so I do the best I can and listen to videos like these.
@@ashleykathryn9038 Is there a professional organisation that you can report this therapist to, so that she can be deregistered. Not all types of therapists need to be registered, so it may not be applicable, but if it is, it seems a relevant course of action
The recovery path I'm on right now and the work that comes with it has been an uncovering of truths about my self since childhood to where I am right now. It's about the interplay, the dynamics, the relationships, the wounds that have led to a distortion of the balance of the Yin and Yang within the very nature of my being. I have been on an arduous and long journey to understand what this life is since I was 5 years old. I asked myself back then, "What is real?". I've been inquiring about the nature of reality and my involvement within its framework since then. I grew up in what I now understand to have been an environment made up of a Narcissistic mother and a codependent father. I am becoming more and more aware of the implications that growing up under that environment has had on me long term. I've made an inventory of the numerous times I have been unstable within amorous relationships, but what threw me into a downward spiral and threatened the very core of my being was getting involved with a man that checked all the behavioral characteristics of a covert Narcissist. There was something eerily familiar. The more I do the work that Richard has developed to help individuals recover from relationships with narcissists, the more that I begin to understand how this is a recovery of self at the very core. My ultimate aim in life has always been to live a life worth dying for. I'm becoming a wise 47 year old woman who has set foot outside the cave. I am awake with meaning and seeing things as they really are- in natural light. Better late than never!
I really relate to you I was in my cave and saw no one much for about two years.. I then got involved with a very toxic man.. I feel a freedom now after a lot of very good therapy but the inner punishing voices from my narcissistic Mum have been very difficult to over come.
It is so hard to be with a narcissist husband , I am broken in this relationship couldn't understand how someone could be so wicked to his wife, high class emotional abuse I am not the same person. We are like strangers in the house because he not want no strings attached. I am packing my stuff silently to move and never to return.
It is so hard to be with a narcissist husband , I am broken in this relationship couldn't understand how someone could be so wicked to his wife, high class emotional abuse I am not the same person. We are like strangers in the house because he not want no strings attached. I am packing my stuff silently to move and never to return.
You seem like you’ve gotten a great grasp on what’s going on with yourself. That in and of itself is a giant step towards healing. Blessings to you in your recovery. 💝🌍💝
Thank you so much for introducing the story of Echo. I was always fascinated by the myth and felt that the myth of Narcissus is not complete without her. As a child I used to read the story over and over again and cry because it was so sad because they both withered away and died because they wanted to be loved by the person who couldn't love them. And lo and behold! Years later I was the one with no voice, which was taken away by my gods (parents), in a relationship(s) with people/person who were in love with them selves and besides the provider/supply role...I didn't exist for them. The more I listen to you and watch your videos the more I realize that Cheshire cat was right : ''We are all mad here.''
Narcissus never wanted her love. He never wanted anyone's love. He only loved himself. Nemesis cursed him to wither by staring at himself until he died in a pool of water. Echo died because she believed he loved her, and she got caught in her obsession.
Richard’s explanation of “freezing” is very helpful. I grew up with a Narcissistic mother who would randomly target me with vitriolic tirades over unpredictable events. I actually felt like I had been sucker punched in my stomach and froze. I knew that any mention of this would be denied, “I never said that. You’re crazy!” Or result in an even worse angry reaction. I’m in my 70’s and still often freeze and find it very difficult to discuss my feelings.
I was diagnosed BPD in my 20s - twice!! Then I had an encounter with hlthe God of the Jewish and Christian faith and changed so much that I went off all medication and stopped all addictions and people who knew me said I was more stable than I'd ever been. I have continued to grow in my new life and can honestly look back and see that I was a female psychopath and very sick. I had my first experience of true empathy in my early 30s - it blew my world apart. It changed me deeply again. I was molested as a very small child and brainwashed by very close carers to have a negative view of my mum. I was isolated emotionally from my mum and developed BPD as a response to the trauma and brainwashing. I'm still working through a lot of the aftermath now in my 40s and have turned codependent instead.
Every time I hear you speak on this topic, I am reminded that my childhood exposure was kind of ‘marginal’, but definitely impacted me. I married a man 6.5 years older from a much more conservative religious community. Looking back, I believe this strict community impacted my husband so much so that he was caught in a mindset he could not see or break free from. I eventually did. My ‘good Christian wife’ persona was so ernest in me, but keep me blind and/or bound from an authentic life. I never blamed Jesus. I blame the narcissistic religious community mindset. Thank God I’m free now!
Gosh - your description of Echo Codependency is that of me. Introverted, aloof and (self) isolated. My mum is narcassistic, my father passive and absent (he left/died early). I've experienced other abusive relationships. Was diagnosed as bipolar and very nearly self eradicated altogether by means of suicide. I'm getting better (57 now) and have just bought your book - thank you.
I hope you can heal through & really enjoy the rest of your life 💗 I'm younger & still going through it with my family. It's ending soon tho! Take time for yourself and be loving to yourself, it's taken me until now. Be well 🙏 you are loved 💖
Anniray, we could be twins. I turn 57 this year, my passive father died at age 38 ( I was 13) and my mother is a severely disordered toxic narc. My second husband is a narcissist too. I have been no contact with my mother for many years. I Stay minimal contact with the ex. Like you, I am an introvert,aloof and isolate a lot. I feel it preserves my peace and sanity. I have diagnosed bipolar and adhd, ( among other things) but take all my meds. I am so appreciative of the incredibly necessary information provided by Richard, Sam, and other educators. All my best to you!
24:20 They have to hurt people to feel ok. There is no fixing. You are not their saviour. Save yourself. Relinquish hope. This will corrupt the short time you have on this planet. It won’t be months but years that you will lose. The hooks don’t leave you. They have to hurt people to feel ok. Don’t feel sorry for them. Your compassion makes them sicker, your compassion is supply. They will attempt to leverage it. 26:53 Second hand trauma. Their trauma goes into your body. All the good things about human beings are hijacked for evil in this situation. We harmonise with each other physically & psychologically. Imagine how much osmosis there is if you live with, sleep with & share a bed with somebody. 27:30 They will have strange beliefs about the world that they are not sharing with you because you are their target. You are their thing, you are not a person.
28:15 Trauma generates primal responses. The first will be freezing. Freezing was the first evolutionary response to threat. 29:50 Real world violence creates instant trauma. Your body will tell you to ‘keep still. Don’t move.’ You are not trained for this. The first thought in your mind is never get in there. It is to freeze. This is the same with narcissistic abuse. Don’t punish yourself. You froze. There was no software for you to go “Ah! he’s gaslighting!” 30:59 they’ll be a flight response, fight response: you’ll get extraordinarily angry & finally a fawn response.
33:02 most narcissistic relationships are cross cultural - age, culture, ethnic, or language gap. a lack of unified script allows narcissism to flourish. 36:33 narcissism is infantile, it is impressionable. 37:33 this shouldn’t be be relegated to a mental health issue or a personal psychology issue. [TOO RIGHT!] this is a societal issue & it is getting worse. Unless there is a pushback. In the last 10 years what is normal is changing a lot. 10 years is nothing. ----
39:50 don’t be defiant, apply as much humility as you can to the wound. just accept it, it hurt. You were tricked, duped & then you got ripped off & it hurt. Narcissistic defiance means taking on the characteristics of the narc. Echo Codependency Miscommunication between echo & narcissus. You were just an echo of himself. Dependent personality disorder. Will taken out of them. They must find someone to fill the space. Have no form & no will. Too weak to say no. Too weak to stop them. We let them do what they do. MUST RECLAIM YOUR WILL. MUST FIND YOUR VOICE. YOU MUST SAY NO. It wasn’t your fault. You were a thing that was used for a period of time. You were a mirror, you were useful.
Great seminar as always. When you were talking about the sound violence makes, it took me back to childhood waking up to those sounds. They can leave for years and then spring back in a dream or an innocuous foggy moment, just sitting there thinking of nothing in particular. It doesn't re traumatize me anymore, it is just unbelievable that old file just can't be deleted. On another note, and you've said this repeatedly, so thank you, but the person in question doesn't have to be overtly abusive, just accept that you aren't comfortable, "happy" if you are not and move on. There's absolutely nothing you can do with a bunch of wasted years.
it is very revealing (of your genuine counselling techniques) to see you "in action" as a true therapy discussion leader ! ... through the Q & A dialogues which reveal; the hidden reality of how everyone else thinks. Well done! - in my opinion.
RG, I believe that as a disregulated codependent 17 yr old, wanting love and escape from unloving parents, I made or certainly encouraged the narcissistic traits to develop in the 19 year old. I wasn’t the prey at first. I loved being up on that pedestal. We grew up together in a shared fantasy. I wanted the fairytale to heal me and make me forget the abuse I suffered. I was naive and stupid. I let him get away with murder because I had weak boundaries, of course he got worse. Jump forward 30 yrs the discard and divorce was horrendous. 4 years post separation and I still haunt my own life. The false memories are the chains I rattle. I so want to complete the healing process. I forgive myself for my part and I’m starting to forgive him for nearly destroying me. Thank you for your work and of course your time and attention.
And through rap music and other "cultural" things, that is what is fed to minorities in the west. I've always been convinced that this subculture is what keeps us down
Brilliant teaching. I have a major brain crush on Richard Grannon. I love all of his teaching, his unapologetic honesty and transparency, as well as his metaphors.
Anyone can learn a lot from Richard's videos, it's up to them to do introspection & know who you are, what led you to this point & how to heal. It takes humility to see the faults (stemming from abuse) in oneself & be willing to ask for help.
oh my gee I got so many health issues after dealing with narcissist husband for years.. i had anxiety and panic attacks , high blood pressure, digestive problems , extreme fear /fobias, felt like i was losing my mind, insomnia for months , became deficient in magnesium and potassium to the point i and super weak, tight and tended muscles especially at night , my whole arms and hands would fall asleep , constant stomach pain, the list goes on! Thankfully God came to my rescue! removed him and i started to take care of my health, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.. it took me ONE WHOLE YEAR to get stable.. the worst year of my life!
"Bewilderment and isolation"... I've been beating myself up for the four years since I left with the thought that I should have sought help or talked to more mutual friends and perhaps 'saved' things. It is a relief to hear that it's not just my own tendencies towards taking care of stuff myself, but part of the pathology of the situation, to become isolated. I was actually in therapy for years during the worsening part of the relationship! None of the signs were picked up, and neither of the close friends I talked to over several years were familiar with the territory. Now what seems like the more solid ground of distinctions, definitions, and understanding after years of learning about this terrain is in stark contrast to the 'WTF' chaos and confusion of the relationship, which I just had a big emotional hit or memory or flashback of, in realising that. You hear it a lot Richard, but thanks for your work.
Hi thanks for your honesty, I was with my narc ex for 15 years, 3 kids, lots of confusion and bewilderment….. out of it 4 years now and lots of healing, therapy, emdr, Holotropic breathwork, coaching, self care, spiritual healing, mindfulness, I’ve had huge help from Richard and Sam Vaknin, good luck on your healing and thriving journey!
@MrDblStop Isn't bewildering to think about how much demage is done to our perception as well?! You HAVE been in therapy for years, you did talk to friends, you did attempt to maintain or save the relationship YET you still felt and believed you didn't do enough saving and asking for help...as if more of the same you in fact DID could have made a difference...regarding the relationship. The burden, the blame and responsibility for the other AND for the union we assume naturally.
I just started reading the book- OMG this was my life - I was the adult! You’re helping me tremendously, thank you so much for the clarity. The videos as well, have given me hope . I’m so sick of feeling like crap- it’s been 6 months that I refused to let him back in the house after 12 years of living together. No one in my world understands the roller coaster of emotions. It’s not the “ normal” breakup. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Oh wow. Long time. I’m sorry you experienced that for so long. The road ahead of you is going to feel extremely difficult at times, probably for a few years. Stay strong, and just keep working on you like Richard suggests, and you’ll get there. It’s been three years since I left, (was sucked deep into the vortex of their crazy making for 15 years) and I’m finally just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t give up on you. Xoxo
Wishing you freedom.. I needed 5 years of therapy to even begin to face how mine shut me down and how lost I became believing all the shame he placed in me.
They somehow know how to make you feel like you’re the crazy one. You can bring up one thing and they will throw at you a million different things you are doing wrong and how you’re the reason for everything and when the whole entire conversation turns into you feeling like you do nothing right and everything you are and everything you do is wrong.. And you will get sad and then accused of “playing victim” when all your trying to do is get them to understand you and hear what you’re saying and why they confuse you and why everything gets turned over to you and all that you do wrong. It’s really exhausting… And difficult to deal with . And then they will wonder why you’re insecure.. especially with them.
Please do a course on what a normal healthy relationship is, the boundaries and what is actually normal… what it would look like. As mentioned around the 32 minute mark
I have been streaming different therapists for the past year. Some are angry and some have dry personalities, but Richard is very upbeat, entertaining and very informative. Love your style Richard Very enjoyable to listen to you speak. You remind me of Ricky Gervais. 🙏❤️
That was EXACTLY where I was when she discarded me rather abruptly. I was left thinking "WTF just happened? Why am I unable to move on from this?" Thanks Richard GBY! 🙏🏻❤
Re the religious comments. I believe it was my strong Christian faith that pulled me though. I reached the point of being on my hands and knees, covered in snot and tears shouting "what is wrong with me Father? Why can't I get over this?" that he was able to then start His work in me and get me to see the light.
She really can't hear herself... If we remove God we put God in His place (IDOLATRY) and then the world turns to s**t cos it is each individual's TWISTED morals that count! God makes there be ONE set of morals which if followed, EVERYONE is healthy, happy and safe!
I was abused as a child, SRA, SA, EA, PA. I started therapy on my own at 19 because I realized I was “doing” life in a not healthy way. Made bad decisions all the time. 20 years of therapy helped. My mother is a narcissist sociopath, as is my brother. I still have issues, but everyday is still a struggle to find self esteem. I was constantly told I was hard to love. Diagnosed with major anxiety disorder, atypical depression, adhd and CPTSD. Thank you for this.
I read Cult of One. Very honest, unsentimental and helpful book. I admit that I laughed aloud few times at the harrowing vignettes of abuse, not because they were funny, of course, but because they were so uncomfortably familiar. Thank you Richard for the contribution you are making.
This was awesome. Thank you Richard. I didn’t want to hear that TH-cam videos is not going to be enough. Totally bummed that I have to be vulnerable with a real person in order to heal. I don’t trust therapists.
Very interesting content. I struggled to hear that just watching your content and Professor Vaknin’s isn’t enough to aid in recovery and healing. I get it, the consuming of media can become ‘addictive’ but I really feel I’d possibly outsmart a therapist based on just how much I have learned and understand. How lucky is your audience to attend in person
So appreciate the comment at the end reminding viewers to be aware that it is highly probable you (we) are plugging into watching him (and Vaknin and other TH-camrs) as a new source of codependent supply. I give Richard kudos for (as he states here) resisting becoming a cult of personality - very hard thing to do. So grateful for all his free postings of his ideas and knowledge as they have helped me immeasurably. I have gone through a course but was not in a place yet to dive into it even 5%, but will go back. It is a very long and difficult process to sort out how to stand upright as an adult. I share the big THANKS that many of your viewers have given you and say keep at it! Your words are valuable.
Richard.....A Great WOW!!!! This video was the Very Best I have Ever Heard! Great Explaination.....understandable and straight to the ❤ of the matter. I am 70 yrs. Old and "WAS" the wife of a Covert Vunerable Narcissist for 45 yrs. Am a member of Alanon for 28 yrs. Their principles helped me to survive.Iam 16 months into psycho therapy and am on my way to healing. I had neglectful parents....alcholism and narcissism . So I was the perfect choice for this abuse. But have survived and am thriving. Thank you so very much!!!!! Please keep teaching... Much Thanks from the USA.
As the daughter of 2 narcissistic parents I have absolutely no memory of not being abused. I have autism 1 and they weaponize that against me. Unfortunately the scapegoat (me) is often the one who cannot defend themselves or sing praises about the abuser to stay in their good graces.
So much important information shared The religious part and humbling you Extremely accurate.. I have more faith now than ever n respect for good n evil.. Changed my mind on soooooo much
Loved the conference! We knew the path, we took the bait and we signed a contract. So true in so many different aspects of life. And leaving the path is a lot easier than finding it again. Wish I had the power to make you come to Portugal one day. All the best Richard!
im so glad this knowledge is becoming shared by you and sam and others. made available to the public in a humorous, warm, and compassionate way. i like so many others still search for answers and a way to articulate how we feel and who we are growing up in enmeshed and abusive families, and the personal dsyfunctions and disrupted attachments we form in ourselves, and the wounds we impose on others, and which are imposed on us. all of us, our generations of wounded children, we all need to know, to understand, and to heal ourselves and others. now more than ever, in these mad times, we must make the unconscious conscious and make a better world for ourselves. you should be proud of your contribution to this most worthiest of causes.
You're right, there is nobody that understands. Counsellors work on the proviso that everyone is inherently good and although they really shouldn't be making judgements and assumptions, they do!
Judgements and assumptions huh? Is Professor Grannon teaching that people with certain personality disorders are incurable, evil and irredeemable or not?
Great talk! I love that you mention in the future we don't define these as personality disorders. There is only a gradient scale of objective self awareness or self-serving rationalization.
Thank you for writing this book and helping to educate. As a victim of narcissist abuse, a survivor who escaped a marriage of 26 years and finally cutting the trauma bond. My brain felt broken. I now help other females to realize what's going on and to find their strength to see what's happening and if they decide to stay in those relationships, at least they know what they're deciding to stay in. They now have some form out real awareness of what they're agreeing to stay in. Staying and leaving needs to be their choice but they need to know what that entails.
I love that he doesn't try and make anyone feel good. Therapist, and a whole lot of TH-cam channels, portray the classic villain / victim trip, and it just ain't so. Him and Sam are so scientific, it helps a lot with understanding. Clinical.
You need support - when you leave, you can breathe a sigh of relief. Either your true friends will come around very quickly or focus on getting your life back and you will make new friends. A real friend will be loyal and be on your side right away. You come first. Xxx
Yourself Richard, Professor Sam Valknin, and HG Tudor are the only 3 you tube channel's I go to for advice on narcissist personality disorder. I stay away from the rest. Bless you. Saint Anger.
Yes, it was always my fault. Always blamed me for everything and he was never wrong. Depression escalated proportionately. Married to the covert for 25 years took it's toll on me. I recovered, but then went on to meet a Malignant Narcissist Scott Balson, who almost destroyed my life. Still healing from the horrendous discard in December of 2021. It is definitely a 'cult of one' and the only one worshipping is the Narcissist!
Jodie, your story is my current life. Still with him after 24 years of marriage and a total of 40 years together. Such depression, insomnia, anxiety, stress, isolation, I can't believe I'm still walking around. The funny thing is, is that he truly wasn't always like the monster he is now. I think he's losing his mind. But I'm afraid to leave because he has all the money and I would be very poor. Did you have that situation as well? how did you overcome that fear?
This video is blowing my mind. I am learning so much about myself and the part i played with my ex. The dance finally ended when he ghosted me 4 months ago. We are in our 70's and danced back and forth for more than 30 years. Yesterday, a friend, who is a licensed mental health clinician, asked me how I was feeling, and my response was that i feel truly happy sometimes; l feel content most of the time; and sad once in awhile. Reflecting on my own words, i felt empowered. I knew that i had experienced a breakthrough! OMG!!!!!! I owe my gratitude to you, as well as a few others who are doing great work, helping others heal. Thank you. Be well
I told my sister recently you can't un-burn the toast. This is a generational problem. Oddly my narc parent was adopted & treated awful by that parent, double dose of rejection then being rejected again. Absolutely awful 😞 These humans have been burned! So like burnt Toast you could scrape off the burnt crumbs but it'll always be taste and smell of burnt Toast. Trust your taste buds and toss it & start with another piece of bread. We must push the Love out into this next generation now 🍞 & we will. A Must! Break the good bread with them. Thanks again Richard 🙏 🤣 so funny it's great! My brother & sister are some of the funniest humans I know. People who make light and laughter help to heal immensely 🌟 Stay around that Tribe 💞 & maybe huck your phone into the trash and take a walk into the woods 🍁😊
Thank you so much for speaking on gangster culture! It has infiltrated nearly every aspect of life -- language, music, fashion, entertainment, career, world view, and relationship with the self, others, and a higher power.
The lady who told you that there's no such thing as gaslighting. And I believe you said she's a therapist. That's the dillema. Why counseling often doesn't work. Because her statement about no such thing as gaslighting. That is in itself gaslighting. Some these therapists themselves are narcissists.
Wow. This woke me up. Thank you so much Richard. I've seen your other videos which were informative but this one got to a lot of my root issues. I'll be rewatching it & I'll buy your book now. Thank you.
I come from a small village. Lots of narcissism and other personality disorders there. Also I know of a lot of other small villages in my country that had/have very destructive narcisisstic "cults" (even when they did have religion "above" them). Wish your theory on very small communities would stand, but unfortunately it does not. There are many examples around the world of that. It interests me WHAT ingredients make small communities work, and when do they come feeding grounds for local psychopaths. I can recommend "Theories of Social Order" a reader edited by Michael Hechte and Christine Horne on this topic. Thank you for your tremendous lecture otherwise.
@@MrDanielvassThank you yes! Hadn't watched that movie until you mentioning it. I managed to survive my personal Sandford without a Danny Butterman, though would wish a Butterman for anyone any day when times get rough. Love this movie, thanks mate!
Exactly. My ancestors were also from small villages (in Eastern Europe). And in these villages there were lots of narcissists, abusers, raging alcoholics, wife beaters, children beaters, you name it… Not only nobody cared, most people were enabling it. Narcissism and all kinds of abuse florish even better in small, homogenous communities.
Thank you for your videos as well as your videos with Sam Varknin. It has literally changed my life by giving me some understanding. I’m taking responsibility for my own life.
These are absolutely worthwhile talks, but it sucks that Richard treats people who have been victims of narc abuse in authoritarian, sometimes low key disrespectful and dismissive ways. That's Richard's own narcissism taking advantage of the trauma in the room, and it's not admirable. There's a certain "alpha" preening (the Pickup Artist's call it being "cocky-funny"), and low key ribbing ("negging") and sneering that seems to me like an enactment - totally inappropriate towards people for whom being on the receiving end of narc abuse has been the norm. It always saddens me to see so many women fawning over Richard, but this is a perfect set-up for it. As victims of relational trauma they're oriented to do so and if Richard didn't enjoy feeling the "benevolent" tyrant in himself so much, he might set boundaries in a more gentle and respectful way, and thereby offer a more healing experience for these people. Notably, Richard fawns over Sam, and would clearly never dare to rib Sam with subtle derision like he does audience members. It's not a healthy dynamic for a "recovery from NA" guru.
I agree. His passive/aggressive statements are a red flag. People tell you who they are. Did you notice he disclosed on several occasions he has psychopathy? He mentioned he was just as dangerous as Sam. I find the info shared insightful but the delivery is triggering. Sending you love & light!!! ✨💖✨
@@Nurturing2 I hadn't noticed that, but I'll listen for it in the future. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and for the love n light! I send you the same
@@simoneamelia202 no - it's sometimes presented as 'half-joking,' but that doesn't make it satire. Also, he doesn't think of abusive people are necessarily stupid, because they're not.
Oh it's high time we just call it what it is. Dr. Fr. Gregory Peck advocated the same in 'People of the Lie'....blew my doors off. Great video, thank you. 😊
Great episode, I have so much to say as I can see objectively where my mindset used to be. That feeling of tension in my body, obsessing over the health and safety of loved ones. I finally was able to sort through feelings and dig into them. Like with my childhood Veteran friend who was struggling with mental and substance abuse, I felt like I would die if something happened to him. Like I wouldnt be able to handle it. Why would I feel that way, we dont even live in the same state! Well, my dad is also a Veteran and struggled with severe depression during my childhood and between that and my narc mother I became people pleasing and codependent and not rock the boat. Also became the comedian even if people laugh at me at my own expense. That issue with my friend mirrored my dad. My life depended on my dad being around. Psychology is amazing. Im glad I didnt go down some "twinflame" path because it was nothing but a trauma bond. There are a couple other variables not a black and white story. This friend had saved me from drowning when we were 16 and by the time we were in our 30s many of our mutual friends had died from substances, depression, health problems an accidents. But that doesnt mean I had to be so obsessed feeling with helping and enabling. He has been arrested several times for domestic issues with girlfriends. Getting long here, but to try and make it short I eventually when no contact with my family. Hurt really bad to lose contact with my dad but I realized he didnt protect me from my mother. I think he thinks its his duty as a husband. Anyway after going no contact my mother would still email, text and write letters then would text my husband. It was obvious how she demanded copendency on my behalf. When I didnt comply there were provocations and punishments. She told my husband I talked about him behind his back. She sent my 10 year old son a winter hat with pot leaves on it. She wanted me to react! This is why I didnt react and kept the peace over the years, because of the smearing my name and retaliation. I have gone in hermit mode over the past 4 years. I spent my life afraid of success and to be seen because of punishment. I feel like I need to shield my kids from it too. Thanks for reading 🙂
I felt so positive yesterday after listening to Richard and I have to say, yes, the road to recovery is long and will be hard. It’s hard to unlearn (and to resummon the self requires courage, ) the patterns and to face all those emotions during your healing but the end result would be like getting out of jail and being happy in yourself and that includes being your best and being OK with being seen. Well, those were my thoughts and I hope I can inspire you and give you hope. Now, having said that, I also need to apply that courage💪. I loved Richards little anecdotes and jokes..it helped me to relax and it felt more real and I didn’t feel bad about myself and like a miserable looser like when I allow those feelings of being a victim.
Signed-up for your course. Got a copy of your book. Why? Because of your cosmic sense of humour and placing this video freely, online. Evil is evil. Time to call it out and move on. Thanks for sharing time & thoughts. 💝
1:13:22 Matthew Mccaughey's foreign exchange trip to Australia in his book "Green Lights" is a good example of Richard's pet theory about moving to another city/country making one more vulnerable to narcissistic abuse.
You can spend years reading up on Narcissism and digging deep to try and understand what it is you're dealing with but the attachment has to be cut through 'no contact' as soon as possible. Then have a vision of where you want to see yourself in the future - without the Narcissist. Anyone who felt entitled to be abusive to you has no right to be in your life no matter who they are. They will be dead one day and all that time will have been wasted on thinking about them. If you stay around them they will hijack your consciousness and make you do and act in ways that will destroy you. I feel as if my consciousness had been hijacked and now I finally have some control over it. Govts also tend to act like this to get you to do what they want, even if it is not in your best interest. The only way to make them fearful is to threaten legal action, especially if the abuse happened when you were a minor as there is no statue of limitation for abuse against a minor by an adult. Also harassment and coercion by an adult once you're older. They don't like being challenged legally because it will make them look bad.
Don’t let these types of people get the better of you. Narc mother, brother and my father something worse. I have participated in lots of therapy. I’m 43 I have my own home and good job and friends. I am currently doing a degree in psychotherapy and counselling. Get yourself well, put distance in place, learn compassion for self. Most of all never ever allow these people to destroy your life. They do not deserve to do that.
I’ve watched this 3 times and every single time I get something new from it, so now I’m watching for the 4th time and I’m taking many notes 📝 Thank you Sir this is a masterpiece I feel like I’m in the room with these people, we all have very similar stories of pain and trauma RG has a very good dry sense of humor which I love I also agree with out god or a sense having a higher power society is dammed the worst things get the more people will seek for someone something and as a Christian I hope they find it because without him I would be gone, from him I gather strength and continue to combat these darkest of days divorcing a C-N
"Your compassion makes them sicker. Your compassion is supply. Your compassion is never taken sincerely. It's only taken as a sign of a weakness and something to be strategized and leveraged against you." ~ The more I loved him, the kinder I was, the more distorted, withdrawn, dysregulated he became. Before I understood, I would write in my journal, "He pushes me away, rejects/avoids me the more I love him. It's like he's allergic to love. When I pull away, he pulls me closer, creates a false sense of safety for emotional intimacy, then as soon as I feel safe to love him, the cycle repeats." I get it now. I felt crazy. It made no sense until I began to study personality disorders/CEN/trauma responses/CPTSD. I'm so grateful to be done with him and that phase of my life.
Omg, yeah that's exactly what I went through! It makes u feel CRAZYYYY cuz u can't figure out what's going on!! 🤯😡
Jumping off that merry go round hurts but it's pivotal to save your own life. I'm so grateful to be off.
The same for me.
Totally just went through the exact same thing. Someone told me he was “avoidant attachment “ and not narcissistic. Does anyone know the difference? It’s a cycle of psychological bs. You feel like your losing your mind.
@@banderson6470 I think that narcs have avoidabt attachment style. They learn that from a parent. We, former codepebdents, have anxious attachment style. What is healthybis secure attachment.
Rule number 1...
If you think you can save them?
You will drown with them!
Wise and true words. Well said, and thank you for posting it. Blessings to you.
1:55:23. 'Somebody tempted you, you took the bait, you entered a shared fantasy, signed the contract, and that shared contract devoured your soul.' Brilliant. Absolutely sums up the position of the co-dependant.
AMEN! LIVING IT NOW 👍💯🔥😭
The experience with a narcissist teaches you that you can't trust noone but yourself to make you happy. His task was to make you codependent...but they get, sooner or later, the opposit. 👏 make your performance the best. Be the costar of your experience, the good guy of the film. This gets you into the habbit of being always the winer and without using others, Just you. Chin chin 😉
You have quoted the exact quote that I was going to. In religious (psychological) terms, it reflects Jesus being tempted in the desert for 40 nights, but it also mirrors the Israelites coming out of Egypt and being in the Wilderness (ie being tempted, doing something wrong, committing sin etc) and not getting to the Promised Land. Again, they were supposed to be in the Wilderness for a very short time, I think 40 days also, but ended up there for 400 years, because they didnt learn the lesson, they sinned against God, they complained, they didn't believe etc. I'm just bamboozled as to what it might have been that I got tempted with from the path, what was the bait, was it just the fantasy or was it something else?
@@esterriesparabeYes. Be the hero of your own story.
Hi Richard, I left my narcissistic husband of 30 years, you really helped me get the courage to let it finally go. The sad thing is, I’m back listening to your videos because I’m seeing similar manipulative behavior with both of my adult
sons. Keep doing what your doing, trust me your helping a lot of people. ❤️
Our “culture” has been destroyed and narcissism is the “new normal” to survive.
It’s so painful when it infects the children
Same but daughters! Only far worse than their father!
It's so hard because parents breed this in their kids. My sister has NPD and my father, all of his siblings and his mother have it. They model it and kids see them winning with the behavior, in addition to them being traumatized, because it's essentially a particularly awful trauma response
@@betsyc6055 really they "see" them "winning"?
Is it because they're *blind* ? Do they miss
The deterioration part? The soullessness?
The balding, warting, generally unpleasant
black hole of a soul part? Wtf "see". Blindness!
I’ve been in therapy for over 15 years, and my therapist never mentioned Narcissistic behavior. Last year I learned what diagnostic reason for my husband’s behavior, it liberated me and knew how to, and not to respond . The way I coped all these years is by studying.
Same, seems like therapist avoid the subject in my experience.
I only spent about a year total between 2 therapists and neither of them brought it up which is probably why I found it useless as they weren't even in the ballpark.
Same.... many therapist's take your money, while never simply saying, "you are the victim of narcissistic abuse" why???
Sorry to burst your bubble but therapists have a living to make. If they educated and healed you, you wouldn't need them anymore.
Attorneys and therapists earn so much money associated with the behaviors of the Cluster B personality disorders- that they would never dream of ending their extensive cash flow by mentioning to avoid it in the first place, or creating laws which could end their income. And the police departments earn most of their income from traffic tickets. They dispense those freely.
I gave up on love years ago. Narcissistic abuse almost cost me my life. I wouldn't even bore anyone with the blindsided essay I experienced. I'm ok by myself. I set boundaries and anytime I get into quicksand,I catch myself and set a boundary. Thank you for this lesson.
Everything you're saying I lived. Betrayed by the one Ioved. I can love from a distance.
I have found it is better to be alone, than with bad company. This helped me: I set a schedule for myself, and I work on optimizing my physical health. Whole foods, exercise, and have fun with friends that treat you right. And hey, with the exercise? I got myself an electric bike. I can peddle and get exercise, or I can just Cruise the trails, it's so exhilarating. Nature heals. Get outdoors as often as possible. I am sending you strength, courage, and hugs, from Tulsa, Oklahoma, USA.💪🤺⚔️🫂☮️
Me too. Single by choice and more importantly, safe.
That's exactly what they want. U don't ever get with anyone else and they're the last impression left upon you. They took u off the market for good and you'll never have a happy little family, just stuck ALONE and secluded. Hell no not me, I definitely will have a great companion and have an actual life. Even if I have to sirt through dirt to find gold. It's always worth it in the end. Even if they never see me happy, I know I'm successful and they didn't keep me down and forever broken with baggage
@@daviedood2503 good for you. I do the free independent strong alone thing even in front of the ex narc and his cling-on 😅
Eh they're professionals at reading people and body language even facial expressions. They can tell if someone is faking it to "hide" things. They developed this skill in childhood causing hyper vigilance. This kept them from being physically assaulted, yelled at, u name it. The codependent also develops hypervigilance and tried to "be friends and help" the aggressor.
They know u like the back of their hand, and ALOT of times they may know u better than u know yourself. ALOT of bad things a person may deny, but they're external and externally see things about yourself that I don't see or notice. This is exactly how they ensnare you in the begining
I have got to say that the physical symptoms of Narcisstic abuse are so true and will clear up after leaving the relationship! My father likely has NPD, during my teens (individualization phase) I had Insomnia, eczema, extreme acne, diarrhea, and intrusive thoughts that all went away in the years after going no contact. Change was not immediate, but the virus was gone and my body could heal. Leave, things will get better for you if you believe they will.
Thank you. I needed to read this. I had the same aliments.
Woah... I was wondering why I had itchy lumps on my fingers and hands while I was with her... and bad guts too. It was a constant state of anxiety and being trapped, even when I thought things were going well!
This video is both terrifying and healing at the same time. I’m 5 months out of a 7 yr relationship with a girl with bpd. The “hooks” he describes are exactly what I have. Emotional hooks.
I had all the physical and mental symptoms he describes all the way down to skin problems.
He’s right, therapists have not the slightest clue about narcissistic abuse, or even what narcissism is.
In my 2 years of therapy they just rambled on just move on. Quoted books on bpd and npd symptoms. I already knew that! I was there to try and get better.
I felt as I was near death. My energy was down to zero. They only thing that was on high was my anxiety and depression and my confusion was through the roof!
I ended the relationship. Ironically my ex told me she was cutting all contact because she said I was toxic and I abused her the entire 7 years. So here I am trying to put the shattered pieces of my life and soul together.
Where is she? 1 month out of the relationship she has already entered a new relationship.
I pray for the next victim, as I barely escaped with my health and sanity.
Help, we survivors are in desperate need of help!
Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you're doing better now.
Good point. There was no grieving process for her because her feelings were never sincere
But we really are stronger than we ever thought ro give ourselves credit for that's God saying wake up child I'm trying to show u u that u would rather be and should rather be the victim at the hands of a abuser and not the abuser cause if ur a victim the scripture describes us a lowley and he protects the young the old the lowley and the inexperienced ones why cause Satan is real and he goes after easy prey but Yet still jehovah God is stronger than Satan it's up to us who we give the power to and the beauty is God say it don't take much for me to safeguard u I just need u to give me something and mean it when u give it cause he will quickly lift up and step in to save souls that are saddened and broken spirits that are unfixable from no human hands see that's his job to do we have to acknowledge a higher being one we don't see fuk religion it's deeper that religion God said everyone will know my name whether they Wana or not he says through his word the Bible step by step basic 101 to gain his everything he says draw close to me and I will draw close to u that can mean anything any simple sincer heartfelt action ,but prayer for one is the grandest access cause it was set up for the privilege to pray to god was seeled in blood so he'll hear our prayer any way through Jesus name he be giving us the answers but also free will he allows us to live in how he created us or not cause he don't force or decision but he want to see real Ginuwine worship and acceptance
Same here, except my ex has been trying to get me back off and on since last year when I left. I was going to go back just for more revenge but I realized it hurts her more just being ignored by me. I hope you've managed to piece yourself back together again.
From being around my mom too much I developed hives nausea deep depression anxiety
Couldn't agree w Richard more. For anyone out there holding onto "hope" I'm here to smash it alongside Richard. My ex was very willing to go to therapy. TWO therapists in different cities diagnosed him with full blown NPD without any prompting from me. If you believe knowing the diganosis helps, it made ZERO difference for me. Zero. And he used therapy as a way to tear down my character (telling the therapist full out lies about things he claimed I said or did) and used the therapist for supply. Any slight suggestion made toward him changing he shut down and rejected immediately. He has also had near death experiences from cancer twice in the time I knew him. Twice. Seriously. It made no difference.
There is NO. HOPE. If you still think there is - that's your own grandiosity. 😉
PS my ex was 18 years older than me so - he's spot on about that as well.
My one experience with a couples therapist after a brutal discard: Ex got up and left after 5 minutes and the therapist said to me: “This is easy, he’s a narcissist and you’re co-dependent”. My response: “What does that even mean?” 😅
I did not know it because the covert (vulnerable) narc is the hardest to identify. During my marriage these issues were not in the fore front as they are now. I was married for 47 years and got very ill because of the covert abuse. Richard is correct. There is "NO HOPE" for these relationships, I was set free when my husband died. I have been in recovery now for several years and at age 73 having the best health and my best life ever,
People cling to hope because the wounded child in them is starved for love, and that's who's in the driver's seat hoping the narcissist can be healed, not the adult self who might otherwise be capable of grasping the futility (despite the promises and manipulations). It's not grandiosity. Be wary of the impulse to echo.
@@teresamacey4012 WoW good for you ❤️
OH my God why didnt the therapist support you? Its out of order.
With my ex, who I just wouldn't give up on, everything got really really bad for me. "The devils temptation" took hold. I got to the point of hyper-somnia where if I wasn't at work or up and moving around, I'd be asleep within 15 minutes no matter how hard I fought sleep, I lost my voice, so ridiculously fatigued constantly even though I was sleeping 14+ hours a day, severe depression, anxiety to the point of shaking constantly and the more I tried to stop shaking the worse it got. I couldn't speak above a whisper for 2 months. As soon as I dumped her everything started getting better. I actually felt such a weight lift off of me that immediately after dumping her, I felt joy and I laughed as I finished saying that I was leaving her. Within 3 days I had my voice back. Within 2 weeks I wasn't sleeping so much and all of my mental health issues started getting better. I found myself in a survival mode of, "I have to get out. I will die if I don't." Once I got away from her, moving back home from 2 states away is when the grief finally set in. But then again I found myself dealing with a not-so-great family member and basically just dropped right back in to the survival mode until I was able to get my apartment after a month and a half. I've been in a crap financial situation since. And even though I'm dealing with that I'm still doing infinitely better than I was 10 months ago. Which is when I was ready, for the first time in my life, to stick a barrel in my mouth for the first and last time. But that's when I realized that I couldn't let her be the one to take me out. Because I knew that she would leach off of the attention she'd get from it for as long as she possibly could. And I wouldn't allow her to take any more from me.
Congratulations, you made the most difficult but the most significant decision- LEAVE! The first step back is the hardest once you found yourself being reeled into narcissistic abusive relationship. You made it on your own to decide and did it, I was helped with this decision when someone who really cares called 911 and two cops came to rescue me . . . I was dying literally in many aspects when I was with him, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well. “ I was blind but now I see! “ and I know him now! And never again would I let someone like him to be a part of my life. Then a miracle happened, simple folks with love and compassion in their hearts opened a door for me and taught me a lot of gift givings and family celebrations through their examples. I now live in a peaceful and safe home environment and learned a lot about boundaries for safeguarding.
I wanted to believe that I found a unicorn. Her facade was so convincing. Sure, as she told it she had problems and I fell for the sob story because she seemed like she was different in some way. Kind, gentle, innocent, loving. Never did it cross my mind that this was the form of social camoflage the predator had chosen to take in order to come disguised into my world. The wolf in sheeps clothing.
I thought she was a self aware, rational, reasonable and humble person who knew her own faults, was empathetic and compassionate, and took responsibility for her own actions and was just in a difficult place in life due to circumstance. Imagine my horror a few years down the road, having suffered reactive abuse for years, when all those traits had seemingly vanished. I finally got out (3 weeks ago at the time of writing this) only to discover all those of traits I thought she possessed were nothing but illusions, lies and deceit...
But I fell for her "I'm a really great person" story. Everything was a lie, she was in the place she was because of her own poor decisions, actions and words, but as she told it, she was where she was because of a vindictive and narcissistic ex partner who had systematically destroyed her life. Sound familiar? But as I said, I wanted to believe that I had found a unicorn. I now know there's no such thing.
"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." - Dante
I celebrated 10 years divorce & freedom from being married for 16 years with someone with NPD. It's something that you will always be aware of for the rest of life itself. We have an epidemic of these type of people, so sad
Good for you! I was married 16 yrs to someone I believe is a full blown sociopath (after a lot of reading & studying, that’s my personal conclusion & opinion). I then married an addict/closet alcoholic! Now I’m on my own, I haven’t dated or anything since my 2nd divorce in 2018, but honestly feel happier in my life than ever before, which I never expected. I’m not saying I’m super happy & everything is wonderful, but I have come a long way. I was previously very unhappy, to give a reference of sorts.
What you say is true though, the effects of living with someone like that stick with you & I also think there’s an epidemic of NPD & worse.
@@Ms.Stephanie.C mine was also a sociopath, my only son who's going to be 20 has been brainwashed with his lies as well. They are horrible people, I just hope he has enough life experiences to get away from him as well.
@@erikacruz4296 that’s really sad. The way they affect our kids is the worst. I have 2 estranged children. All they saw growing up when I was with him was him putting me down constantly, everything was my fault, he never took any responsibility…. so they learned how to treat me from him. It’s probably the saddest thing I’ve been through & in some ways worse than losing my oldest child in death. Because they ARE living, & they are CHOOSING to be mean.
yes....epidemic...for those that believe in the Christain Bible ,it is even mentioned....people will lack love for others....be self absorbed.
I could not agree more with this. I too have said countless times over the past two years that personality disorders and the amount of people with them is an epidemic! It’s concerning and terrifying!!! The amount of hell these demons incite on human life and existence is insane.
Finally left my spouse/partner after nearly 24 years together. Spent the last couple of years working full time and going to school part time. The more time I took to take care of my needs, the more my spouse started getting aggressive and abusive. Effected a divorce a few months ago. Finally figured out I was dealing with a narc. Can't believe how much time I wasted trying to make things good.
Congratulations 🎊 on your freedom!
Congratulations ❣️ 🎊 👏
The nervous system often needs to be healed as well from being out of balance for so long.
My therapist of 10 years never mentioned narcissism in therapy because he was a malignant narcissist himself. I was so crushed when I saw him ...so naive... when I discovered he told someone else what I told him in therapy I quit. As time passed and I got perspective I discovered he had been betraying me all along. I've only learned about narcissism this past year. It's helped me understand so many things from my past.
Wild how we can see things more clearly and it rewrites the history of our memories 🤯 the reality can be worse than we allowed ourselves to see as well 😢
The therapist I'm seeing now often talks about her other clients. To think she's not doing that about me? Very unprofessional.
@@ashleykathryn9038 If she talks about other clients to you then I assure you...she IS talking about you to others. My therapist did the same thing... naively, I thought it meant he trusted me... it made me feel special. Now I know that is what malignant narcissists do to suck you in. Then I found out he was talking to others about me...friends of mine who I really cared about. I wasted thousands of dollars and 10 years of therapy...I can't afford therapy now so I do the best I can and listen to videos like these.
@@ashleykathryn9038 Is there a professional organisation that you can report this therapist to, so that she can be deregistered. Not all types of therapists need to be registered, so it may not be applicable, but if it is, it seems a relevant course of action
@@angelaromano7421 She's still being trained under a different therapist in the company. I'm not sure who I would report to.
The recovery path I'm on right now and the work that comes with it has been an uncovering of truths about my self since childhood to where I am right now. It's about the interplay, the dynamics, the relationships, the wounds that have led to a distortion of the balance of the Yin and Yang within the very nature of my being. I have been on an arduous and long journey to understand what this life is since I was 5 years old. I asked myself back then, "What is real?". I've been inquiring about the nature of reality and my involvement within its framework since then. I grew up in what I now understand to have been an environment made up of a Narcissistic mother and a codependent father. I am becoming more and more aware of the implications that growing up under that environment has had on me long term.
I've made an inventory of the numerous times I have been unstable within amorous relationships, but what threw me into a downward spiral and threatened the very core of my being was getting involved with a man that checked all the behavioral characteristics of a covert Narcissist. There was something eerily familiar. The more I do the work that Richard has developed to help individuals recover from relationships with narcissists, the more that I begin to understand how this is a recovery of self at the very core. My ultimate aim in life has always been to live a life worth dying for. I'm becoming a wise 47 year old woman who has set foot outside the cave. I am awake with meaning and seeing things as they really are- in natural light. Better late than never!
I really relate to you I was in my cave and saw no one much for about two years.. I then got involved with a very toxic man.. I feel a freedom now after a lot of very good therapy but the inner punishing voices from my narcissistic Mum have been very difficult to over come.
It is so hard to be with a narcissist husband , I am broken in this relationship couldn't understand how someone could be so wicked to his wife, high class emotional abuse I am not the same person. We are like strangers in the house because he not want no strings attached. I am packing my stuff silently to move and never to return.
It is so hard to be with a narcissist husband , I am broken in this relationship couldn't understand how someone could be so wicked to his wife, high class emotional abuse I am not the same person. We are like strangers in the house because he not want no strings attached. I am packing my stuff silently to move and never to return.
I’m
You seem like you’ve gotten a great grasp on what’s going on with yourself. That in and of itself is a giant step towards healing. Blessings to you in your recovery. 💝🌍💝
Thank you so much for introducing the story of Echo. I was always fascinated by the myth and felt that the myth of Narcissus is not complete without her. As a child I used to read the story over and over again and cry because it was so sad because they both withered away and died because they wanted to be loved by the person who couldn't love them. And lo and behold! Years later I was the one with no voice, which was taken away by my gods (parents), in a relationship(s) with people/person who were in love with them selves and besides the provider/supply role...I didn't exist for them. The more I listen to you and watch your videos the more I realize that Cheshire cat was right : ''We are all mad here.''
"Sins of the fathers" situation
Narcissus never wanted her love. He never wanted anyone's love. He only loved himself. Nemesis cursed him to wither by staring at himself until he died in a pool of water. Echo died because she believed he loved her, and she got caught in her obsession.
Richard’s explanation of “freezing” is very helpful. I grew up with a Narcissistic mother who would randomly target me with vitriolic tirades over unpredictable events. I actually felt like I had been sucker punched in my stomach and froze. I knew that any mention of this would be denied, “I never said that. You’re crazy!” Or result in an even worse angry reaction. I’m in my 70’s and still often freeze and find it very difficult to discuss my feelings.
I was diagnosed BPD in my 20s - twice!!
Then I had an encounter with hlthe God of the Jewish and Christian faith and changed so much that I went off all medication and stopped all addictions and people who knew me said I was more stable than I'd ever been.
I have continued to grow in my new life and can honestly look back and see that I was a female psychopath and very sick.
I had my first experience of true empathy in my early 30s - it blew my world apart. It changed me deeply again.
I was molested as a very small child and brainwashed by very close carers to have a negative view of my mum. I was isolated emotionally from my mum and developed BPD as a response to the trauma and brainwashing.
I'm still working through a lot of the aftermath now in my 40s and have turned codependent instead.
It's like reading my own story... I feel for you. God Bless you. X
Every time I hear you speak on this topic, I am reminded that my childhood exposure was kind of ‘marginal’, but definitely impacted me. I married a man 6.5 years older from a much more conservative religious community. Looking back, I believe this strict community impacted my husband so much so that he was caught in a mindset he could not see or break free from. I eventually did. My ‘good Christian wife’ persona was so ernest in me, but keep me blind and/or bound from an authentic life. I never blamed Jesus. I blame the narcissistic religious community mindset. Thank God I’m free now!
I continue to heal because of your content these last three years. I'm so grateful to you and Sam🙏
I don't know this Sam he mentions.. did I hear correctly Sam Batman? I couldn't find him on yt..
@@andrejamarolt961 Sam vaknin
I feel the exact same way Connie
Me too
I really liked the joking around from tired Richard. It made reality and forward movement more palatable. We must laugh.
😂
I just made it through day 1 no contact thank you so much for this video it’s helping keep me sane 🙏🏻💗
Be strong
♥️x
I do appreciate that you mentioned about the GOOD ROLE OF GOD to human's way of thinking. May God guide you always
Gosh - your description of Echo Codependency is that of me. Introverted, aloof and (self) isolated. My mum is narcassistic, my father passive and absent (he left/died early). I've experienced other abusive relationships. Was diagnosed as bipolar and very nearly self eradicated altogether by means of suicide.
I'm getting better (57 now) and have just bought your book - thank you.
I hope you can heal through & really enjoy the rest of your life 💗 I'm younger & still going through it with my family. It's ending soon tho! Take time for yourself and be loving to yourself, it's taken me until now. Be well 🙏 you are loved 💖
Anniray, we could be twins. I turn 57 this year, my passive father died at age 38 ( I was 13) and my mother is a severely disordered toxic narc. My second husband is a narcissist too. I have been no contact with my mother for many years. I Stay minimal contact with the ex. Like you, I am an introvert,aloof and isolate a lot. I feel it preserves my peace and sanity. I have diagnosed bipolar and adhd, ( among other things) but take all my meds. I am so appreciative of the incredibly necessary information provided by Richard, Sam, and other educators. All my best to you!
18 years. I’ve tried to break free so many times. it’s so hard. This video has literally sprung up on my screen and is a revelation.. Thankyou.
24:20 They have to hurt people to feel ok.
There is no fixing. You are not their saviour. Save yourself. Relinquish hope. This will corrupt the short time you have on this planet. It won’t be months but years that you will lose.
The hooks don’t leave you. They have to hurt people to feel ok. Don’t feel sorry for them. Your compassion makes them sicker, your compassion is supply.
They will attempt to leverage it.
26:53 Second hand trauma. Their trauma goes into your body.
All the good things about human beings are hijacked for evil in this situation. We harmonise with each other physically & psychologically. Imagine how much osmosis there is if you live with, sleep with & share a bed with somebody.
27:30 They will have strange beliefs about the world that they are not sharing with you because you are their target. You are their thing, you are not a person.
28:15 Trauma generates primal responses. The first will be freezing. Freezing was the first evolutionary response to threat.
29:50 Real world violence creates instant trauma. Your body will tell you to ‘keep still. Don’t move.’ You are not trained for this.
The first thought in your mind is never get in there. It is to freeze. This is the same with narcissistic abuse.
Don’t punish yourself.
You froze. There was no software for you to go “Ah! he’s gaslighting!”
30:59 they’ll be a flight response, fight response: you’ll get extraordinarily angry & finally a fawn response.
33:02 most narcissistic relationships are cross cultural - age, culture, ethnic, or language gap. a lack of unified script allows narcissism to flourish.
36:33 narcissism is infantile, it is impressionable.
37:33 this shouldn’t be be relegated to a mental health issue or a personal psychology issue. [TOO RIGHT!] this is a societal issue & it is getting worse. Unless there is a pushback.
In the last 10 years what is normal is changing a lot. 10 years is nothing.
----
39:50 don’t be defiant, apply as much humility as you can to the wound. just accept it, it hurt. You were tricked, duped & then you got ripped off & it hurt.
Narcissistic defiance means taking on the characteristics of the narc.
Echo Codependency
Miscommunication between echo & narcissus. You were just an echo of himself. Dependent personality disorder. Will taken out of them.
They must find someone to fill the space. Have no form & no will. Too weak to say no. Too weak to stop them. We let them do what they do.
MUST RECLAIM YOUR WILL. MUST FIND YOUR VOICE. YOU MUST SAY NO.
It wasn’t your fault. You were a thing that was used for a period of time. You were a mirror, you were useful.
Great seminar as always. When you were talking about the sound violence makes, it took me back to childhood waking up to those sounds. They can leave for years and then spring back in a dream or an innocuous foggy moment, just sitting there thinking of nothing in particular. It doesn't re traumatize me anymore, it is just unbelievable that old file just can't be deleted. On another note, and you've said this repeatedly, so thank you, but the person in question doesn't have to be overtly abusive, just accept that you aren't comfortable, "happy" if you are not and move on. There's absolutely nothing you can do with a bunch of wasted years.
“Haunting my own life”. I’ve never heard it put that way before. Thank you Richard. That actually opens my eyes to a lot of things.
it is very revealing (of your genuine counselling techniques) to see you "in action" as a true therapy discussion leader ! ... through the Q & A dialogues which reveal; the hidden reality of how everyone else thinks. Well done! - in my opinion.
RG, I believe that as a disregulated codependent 17 yr old, wanting love and escape from unloving parents, I made or certainly encouraged the narcissistic traits to develop in the 19 year old.
I wasn’t the prey at first. I loved being up on that pedestal.
We grew up together in a shared fantasy. I wanted the fairytale to heal me and make me forget the abuse I suffered.
I was naive and stupid. I let him get away with murder because I had weak boundaries, of course he got worse.
Jump forward 30 yrs the discard and divorce was horrendous. 4 years post separation and I still haunt my own life. The false memories are the chains I rattle.
I so want to complete the healing process. I forgive myself for my part and I’m starting to forgive him for nearly destroying me.
Thank you for your work and of course your time and attention.
"The worship of criminality is the worship of narcissistic psychopathy." RG
And through rap music and other "cultural" things, that is what is fed to minorities in the west. I've always been convinced that this subculture is what keeps us down
Brilliant teaching. I have a major brain crush on Richard Grannon. I love all of his teaching, his unapologetic honesty and transparency, as well as his metaphors.
It was such a privilege to be here in person to listen to you.
Thank you!
Anyone can learn a lot from Richard's videos, it's up to them to do introspection & know who you are, what led you to this point & how to heal. It takes humility to see the faults (stemming from abuse) in oneself & be willing to ask for help.
❤❤❤❤awl value and worth in words over any material possessions or money. I love your words stay honest and ready to go (fearless)
The hardest truth I have EVER faced in this healing process, is that I allowed it all to happen to my children and I.
There is always hope in awareness you did nothing wrong you believed a lie. You will get healing and your children with you. Go gently
Limbic system. You own it, you can change it. It is not confidence; but, competence.
oh my gee I got so many health issues after dealing with narcissist husband for years..
i had anxiety and panic attacks , high blood pressure, digestive problems , extreme fear /fobias, felt like i was losing my mind, insomnia for months , became deficient in magnesium and potassium to the point i and super weak, tight and tended muscles especially at night , my whole arms and hands would fall asleep , constant stomach pain, the list goes on!
Thankfully God came to my rescue! removed him and i started to take care of my health, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.. it took me ONE WHOLE YEAR to get stable.. the worst year of my life!
You are lucky it only took a year.
"Bewilderment and isolation"... I've been beating myself up for the four years since I left with the thought that I should have sought help or talked to more mutual friends and perhaps 'saved' things. It is a relief to hear that it's not just my own tendencies towards taking care of stuff myself, but part of the pathology of the situation, to become isolated. I was actually in therapy for years during the worsening part of the relationship! None of the signs were picked up, and neither of the close friends I talked to over several years were familiar with the territory. Now what seems like the more solid ground of distinctions, definitions, and understanding after years of learning about this terrain is in stark contrast to the 'WTF' chaos and confusion of the relationship, which I just had a big emotional hit or memory or flashback of, in realising that. You hear it a lot Richard, but thanks for your work.
Hi thanks for your honesty, I was with my narc ex for 15 years, 3 kids, lots of confusion and bewilderment….. out of it 4 years now and lots of healing, therapy, emdr, Holotropic breathwork, coaching, self care, spiritual healing, mindfulness, I’ve had huge help from Richard and Sam Vaknin, good luck on your healing and thriving journey!
@MrDblStop
Isn't bewildering to think about how much demage is done to our perception as well?! You HAVE been in therapy for years, you did talk to friends, you did attempt to maintain or save the relationship YET you still felt and believed you didn't do enough saving and asking for help...as if more of the same you in fact DID could have made a difference...regarding the relationship. The burden, the blame and responsibility for the other AND for the union we assume naturally.
@@brianbarneswellbeing4628 thanks, you too.
I could have written this myself. At four yrs as well.
Thank you.
I just started reading the book- OMG this was my life - I was the adult! You’re helping me tremendously, thank you so much for the clarity. The videos as well, have given me hope . I’m so sick of feeling like crap- it’s been 6 months that I refused to let him back in the house after 12 years of living together.
No one in my world understands the roller coaster of emotions. It’s not the “ normal” breakup.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I’ve been involved in a narcissistic relationship for 9 years and haven’t seen a way out until recently. Thank you for speaking on this subject.
You got this!!!
Oh wow. Long time. I’m sorry you experienced that for so long. The road ahead of you is going to feel extremely difficult at times, probably for a few years. Stay strong, and just keep working on you like Richard suggests, and you’ll get there. It’s been three years since I left, (was sucked deep into the vortex of their crazy making for 15 years) and I’m finally just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t give up on you. Xoxo
Wishing you freedom.. I needed 5 years of therapy to even begin to face how mine shut me down and how lost I became believing all the shame he placed in me.
They somehow know how to make you feel like you’re the crazy one.
You can bring up one thing and they will throw at you a million different things you are doing wrong and how you’re the reason for everything and when the whole entire conversation turns into you feeling like you do nothing right and everything you are and everything you do is wrong.. And you will get sad and then accused of “playing victim” when all your trying to do is get them to understand you and hear what you’re saying and why they confuse you and why everything gets turned over to you and all that you do wrong. It’s really exhausting… And difficult to deal with . And then they will wonder why you’re insecure.. especially with them.
Well said 💯💯
Gaslighting.......... it caused
me much pain and confusion.
Please do a course on what a normal healthy relationship is, the boundaries and what is actually normal… what it would look like.
As mentioned around the 32 minute mark
I have been streaming different therapists for the past year. Some are angry and some have dry personalities, but Richard is very upbeat, entertaining and very informative. Love your style Richard
Very enjoyable to listen to you speak.
You remind me of Ricky Gervais. 🙏❤️
(Better looking though!)
That was EXACTLY where I was when she discarded me rather abruptly. I was left thinking "WTF just happened? Why am I unable to move on from this?"
Thanks Richard GBY! 🙏🏻❤
Re the religious comments. I believe it was my strong Christian faith that pulled me though. I reached the point of being on my hands and knees, covered in snot and tears shouting "what is wrong with me Father? Why can't I get over this?" that he was able to then start His work in me and get me to see the light.
She really can't hear herself... If we remove God we put God in His place (IDOLATRY) and then the world turns to s**t cos it is each individual's TWISTED morals that count!
God makes there be ONE set of morals which if followed, EVERYONE is healthy, happy and safe!
I was abused as a child, SRA, SA, EA, PA. I started therapy on my own at 19 because I realized I was “doing” life in a not healthy way. Made bad decisions all the time. 20 years of therapy helped. My mother is a narcissist sociopath, as is my brother. I still have issues, but everyday is still a struggle to find self esteem. I was constantly told I was hard to love. Diagnosed with major anxiety disorder, atypical depression, adhd and CPTSD. Thank you for this.
God bless, I applaud you.....
@@cynthiabiel7714 thank you. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
I read Cult of One. Very honest, unsentimental and helpful book. I admit that I laughed aloud few times at the harrowing vignettes of abuse, not because they were funny, of course, but because they were so uncomfortably familiar. Thank you Richard for the contribution you are making.
I love you Richard lol, so witty and wise. Thanks for sharing more brilliant content.
Tremendously substantive, constructive, and authentically human. Unique and insightful, nuanced and equilibrated - in the extreme.
This was awesome. Thank you Richard. I didn’t want to hear that TH-cam videos is not going to be enough. Totally bummed that I have to be vulnerable with a real person in order to heal. I don’t trust therapists.
Very interesting content. I struggled to hear that just watching your content and Professor Vaknin’s isn’t enough to aid in recovery and healing. I get it, the consuming of media can become ‘addictive’ but I really feel I’d possibly outsmart a therapist based on just how much I have learned and understand.
How lucky is your audience to attend in person
So appreciate the comment at the end reminding viewers to be aware that it is highly probable you (we) are plugging into watching him (and Vaknin and other TH-camrs) as a new source of codependent supply. I give Richard kudos for (as he states here) resisting becoming a cult of personality - very hard thing to do. So grateful for all his free postings of his ideas and knowledge as they have helped me immeasurably. I have gone through a course but was not in a place yet to dive into it even 5%, but will go back. It is a very long and difficult process to sort out how to stand upright as an adult.
I share the big THANKS that many of your viewers have given you and say keep at it! Your words are valuable.
Richard, your lectures never disappoint. Thank you for this one.
Richard.....A Great WOW!!!!
This video was the Very Best I have Ever Heard! Great Explaination.....understandable and straight to the ❤ of the matter. I am 70 yrs. Old and "WAS" the wife of a Covert Vunerable Narcissist for 45 yrs. Am a member of Alanon for 28 yrs. Their principles helped me to survive.Iam 16 months into psycho therapy and am on my way to healing. I had neglectful parents....alcholism and narcissism . So I was the perfect choice for this abuse. But have survived and am thriving. Thank you so very much!!!!! Please keep teaching...
Much Thanks from the USA.
As the daughter of 2 narcissistic parents I have absolutely no memory of not being abused. I have autism 1 and they weaponize that against me. Unfortunately the scapegoat (me) is often the one who cannot defend themselves or sing praises about the abuser to stay in their good graces.
Thank you for continuing to help me learn, grow, laugh and think, it matters
So much important information shared
The religious part and humbling you
Extremely accurate..
I have more faith now than ever n respect for good n evil..
Changed my mind on soooooo much
Healing is ongoing with cptsd! Dissociation is still an issue and my executive functioning is bad. Thanks Richard!
Same here , hope your doing better
Loved the conference! We knew the path, we took the bait and we signed a contract. So true in so many different aspects of life. And leaving the path is a lot easier than finding it again.
Wish I had the power to make you come to Portugal one day. All the best Richard!
there is no hope for them. Thank you for stating the reality.
im so glad this knowledge is becoming shared by you and sam and others. made available to the public in a humorous, warm, and compassionate way. i like so many others still search for answers and a way to articulate how we feel and who we are growing up in enmeshed and abusive families, and the personal dsyfunctions and disrupted attachments we form in ourselves, and the wounds we impose on others, and which are imposed on us. all of us, our generations of wounded children, we all need to know, to understand, and to heal ourselves and others. now more than ever, in these mad times, we must make the unconscious conscious and make a better world for ourselves. you should be proud of your contribution to this most worthiest of causes.
You're right, there is nobody that understands. Counsellors work on the proviso that everyone is inherently good and although they really shouldn't be making judgements and assumptions, they do!
Plus, lots of therapists ARE also narcs or covert narcs !!! So of course they would deny gaslighting !!!
Judgements and assumptions huh? Is Professor Grannon teaching that people with certain personality disorders are incurable, evil and irredeemable or not?
@@ginayoung130 Who said anything about Richard Grannon. I said therapists meaning counsellors etc!
You speak a lot of truth... thanks for these videos
Congratulations on your new book... it is going to benefit those that make an honest effort to be open... Thank you!
Great talk! I love that you mention in the future we don't define these as personality disorders. There is only a gradient scale of objective self awareness or self-serving rationalization.
1:13:36 if you move to a foreign country you become vulnerable. isolation... spot on.
Thank you for writing this book and helping to educate. As a victim of narcissist abuse, a survivor who escaped a marriage of 26 years and finally cutting the trauma bond. My brain felt broken. I now help other females to realize what's going on and to find their strength to see what's happening and if they decide to stay in those relationships, at least they know what they're deciding to stay in. They now have some form out real awareness of what they're agreeing to stay in. Staying and leaving needs to be their choice but they need to know what that entails.
Why, Richard, why are you so much better at explaining this stuff than others (besides Sam)?!
I love that he doesn't try and make anyone feel good. Therapist, and a whole lot of TH-cam channels, portray the classic villain / victim trip, and it just ain't so. Him and Sam are so scientific, it helps a lot with understanding. Clinical.
Sam and Richard complement each other really good with their own ways of explaining this topic. 🎉
Sam who?
@@lemurpotatoes7988 Vaknin. Literally wrote the book.
@@lemurpotatoes7988 Sam Vaknin
I am in the thick of this right now. Everybody loves him and think I'm his horrible wife. Its a lonely world.
So sorry. Be kind to yourself and do your best to escape.
I hope you got out
You need support - when you leave, you can breathe a sigh of relief. Either your true friends will come around very quickly or focus on getting your life back and you will make new friends. A real friend will be loyal and be on your side right away. You come first. Xxx
God Bless you. I have been there.
Yourself Richard, Professor Sam Valknin, and HG Tudor are the only 3 you tube channel's I go to for advice on narcissist personality disorder.
I stay away from the rest.
Bless you.
Saint Anger.
Dr. Ramani is worth a listen but Sam and Richard are pure gold.
@@battfamily435 yes Dr ramani is good. Dr Abdul sahard to. Dr grande is ok to.
Bless you.
Yes, it was always my fault. Always blamed me for everything and he was never wrong. Depression escalated proportionately. Married to the covert for 25 years took it's toll on me. I recovered, but then went on to meet a Malignant Narcissist Scott Balson, who almost destroyed my life. Still healing from the horrendous discard in December of 2021. It is definitely a 'cult of one' and the only one worshipping is the Narcissist!
Yes I went from malignant narcissist to covert narcissist before those was a ordinary narcissist,! Can relate
Jodie, your story is my current life. Still with him after 24 years of marriage and a total of 40 years together. Such depression, insomnia, anxiety, stress, isolation, I can't believe I'm still walking around. The funny thing is, is that he truly wasn't always like the monster he is now. I think he's losing his mind. But I'm afraid to leave because he has all the money and I would be very poor. Did you have that situation as well? how did you overcome that fear?
Thank you for making this without ads.
I mostly lose focus and train of thought when there are many ads.
You’re very generous, thank you 🙏
💯 yes yes yes
Validation feels great after isolation
This video is blowing my mind. I am learning so much about myself and the part i played with my ex. The dance finally ended when he ghosted me 4 months ago. We are in our 70's and danced back and forth for more than 30 years. Yesterday, a friend, who is a licensed mental health clinician, asked me how I was feeling, and my response was that i feel truly happy sometimes; l feel content most of the time; and sad once in awhile. Reflecting on my own words, i felt empowered. I knew that i had experienced a breakthrough! OMG!!!!!! I owe my gratitude to you, as well as a few others who are doing great work, helping others heal. Thank you. Be well
Richard and Sam been pumping out some extra excellent info together recently
I told my sister recently you can't un-burn the toast. This is a generational problem. Oddly my narc parent was adopted & treated awful by that parent, double dose of rejection then being rejected again. Absolutely awful 😞 These humans have been burned! So like burnt Toast you could scrape off the burnt crumbs but it'll always be taste and smell of burnt Toast. Trust your taste buds and toss it & start with another piece of bread. We must push the Love out into this next generation now 🍞 & we will. A Must! Break the good bread with them. Thanks again Richard 🙏 🤣 so funny it's great! My brother & sister are some of the funniest humans I know. People who make light and laughter help to heal immensely 🌟 Stay around that Tribe 💞 & maybe huck your phone into the trash and take a walk into the woods 🍁😊
Also he's helped me tremendously, personally and professionally! Love this dude!
Thank you so much for speaking on gangster culture! It has infiltrated nearly every aspect of life -- language, music, fashion, entertainment, career, world view, and relationship with the self, others, and a higher power.
The lady who told you that there's no such thing as gaslighting. And I believe you said she's a therapist. That's the dillema. Why counseling often doesn't work. Because her statement about no such thing as gaslighting. That is in itself gaslighting. Some these therapists themselves are narcissists.
My ex narcissist has a PhD in psychology and uses it as a weapon to make you feel mentally unstable and confused....
It took me 25 years to see it . I can’t judge anyone else .
He’s that good.
Or 30 + lying to lawyers to secure only to win!!
You are amazing! Thank you Richard. I ordered your book ❤
This came to me exactly when I needed it, thank you. Sincerely and dearly.
Let’s talk about how religion is narcissistic abuse
Wow. This woke me up. Thank you so much Richard. I've seen your other videos which were informative but this one got to a lot of my root issues. I'll be rewatching it & I'll buy your book now. Thank you.
I come from a small village. Lots of narcissism and other personality disorders there. Also I know of a lot of other small villages in my country that had/have very destructive narcisisstic "cults" (even when they did have religion "above" them). Wish your theory on very small communities would stand, but unfortunately it does not. There are many examples around the world of that. It interests me WHAT ingredients make small communities work, and when do they come feeding grounds for local psychopaths. I can recommend "Theories of Social Order" a reader edited by Michael Hechte and Christine Horne on this topic. Thank you for your tremendous lecture otherwise.
A bit like the village from Hot Fuzz
What village are u talking about?
@@daviedood2503 Sandford
@@MrDanielvassThank you yes! Hadn't watched that movie until you mentioning it. I managed to survive my personal Sandford without a Danny Butterman, though would wish a Butterman for anyone any day when times get rough. Love this movie, thanks mate!
Exactly. My ancestors were also from small villages (in Eastern Europe). And in these villages there were lots of narcissists, abusers, raging alcoholics, wife beaters, children beaters, you name it… Not only nobody cared, most people were enabling it.
Narcissism and all kinds of abuse florish even better in small, homogenous communities.
Thank you for your videos as well as your videos with Sam Varknin. It has literally changed my life by giving me some understanding. I’m taking responsibility for my own life.
These are absolutely worthwhile talks, but it sucks that Richard treats people who have been victims of narc abuse in authoritarian, sometimes low key disrespectful and dismissive ways. That's Richard's own narcissism taking advantage of the trauma in the room, and it's not admirable. There's a certain "alpha" preening (the Pickup Artist's call it being "cocky-funny"), and low key ribbing ("negging") and sneering that seems to me like an enactment - totally inappropriate towards people for whom being on the receiving end of narc abuse has been the norm. It always saddens me to see so many women fawning over Richard, but this is a perfect set-up for it. As victims of relational trauma they're oriented to do so and if Richard didn't enjoy feeling the "benevolent" tyrant in himself so much, he might set boundaries in a more gentle and respectful way, and thereby offer a more healing experience for these people. Notably, Richard fawns over Sam, and would clearly never dare to rib Sam with subtle derision like he does audience members. It's not a healthy dynamic for a "recovery from NA" guru.
I agree. His passive/aggressive statements are a red flag. People tell you who they are. Did you notice he disclosed on several occasions he has psychopathy? He mentioned he was just as dangerous as Sam. I find the info shared insightful but the delivery is triggering. Sending you love & light!!! ✨💖✨
@@Nurturing2 I hadn't noticed that, but I'll listen for it in the future. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and for the love n light! I send you the same
He's making fun of abusive people, of how stupid they are, it's satire
@@simoneamelia202 no - it's sometimes presented as 'half-joking,' but that doesn't make it satire. Also, he doesn't think of abusive people are necessarily stupid, because they're not.
@@simoneamelia202 perhaps he is a recovered codependent who is now very firm in his boundaries, when previously let people walk all over him.
Oh it's high time we just call it what it is. Dr. Fr. Gregory Peck advocated the same in 'People of the Lie'....blew my doors off. Great video, thank you. 😊
Great episode, I have so much to say as I can see objectively where my mindset used to be. That feeling of tension in my body, obsessing over the health and safety of loved ones. I finally was able to sort through feelings and dig into them. Like with my childhood Veteran friend who was struggling with mental and substance abuse, I felt like I would die if something happened to him. Like I wouldnt be able to handle it. Why would I feel that way, we dont even live in the same state! Well, my dad is also a Veteran and struggled with severe depression during my childhood and between that and my narc mother I became people pleasing and codependent and not rock the boat. Also became the comedian even if people laugh at me at my own expense. That issue with my friend mirrored my dad. My life depended on my dad being around. Psychology is amazing. Im glad I didnt go down some "twinflame" path because it was nothing but a trauma bond. There are a couple other variables not a black and white story. This friend had saved me from drowning when we were 16 and by the time we were in our 30s many of our mutual friends had died from substances, depression, health problems an accidents. But that doesnt mean I had to be so obsessed feeling with helping and enabling. He has been arrested several times for domestic issues with girlfriends. Getting long here, but to try and make it short I eventually when no contact with my family. Hurt really bad to lose contact with my dad but I realized he didnt protect me from my mother. I think he thinks its his duty as a husband. Anyway after going no contact my mother would still email, text and write letters then would text my husband. It was obvious how she demanded copendency on my behalf. When I didnt comply there were provocations and punishments. She told my husband I talked about him behind his back. She sent my 10 year old son a winter hat with pot leaves on it. She wanted me to react! This is why I didnt react and kept the peace over the years, because of the smearing my name and retaliation. I have gone in hermit mode over the past 4 years. I spent my life afraid of success and to be seen because of punishment. I feel like I need to shield my kids from it too. Thanks for reading 🙂
I felt so positive yesterday after listening to Richard and I have to say, yes, the road to recovery is long and will be hard. It’s hard to unlearn (and to resummon the self requires courage, ) the patterns and to face all those emotions during your healing but the end result would be like getting out of jail and being happy in yourself and that includes being your best and being OK with being seen. Well, those were my thoughts and I hope I can inspire you and give you hope. Now, having said that, I also need to apply that courage💪. I loved Richards little anecdotes and jokes..it helped me to relax and it felt more real and I didn’t feel bad about myself and like a miserable looser like when I allow those feelings of being a victim.
Narcissist experts are such a blessing to the world, you've really cracked it!! Thankyou so much!!
I just bought your book. I’m about 20 pages in. Thank you.
Signed-up for your course. Got a copy of your book. Why? Because of your cosmic sense of humour and placing this video freely, online. Evil is evil. Time to call it out and move on. Thanks for sharing time & thoughts. 💝
"Its hands up only or it's a democracy" I laughed way to hard at that 😂
I absolutely support, respect your analysis and opinions on Narcism, so objective..spot on thank you 🙏
1:13:22 Matthew Mccaughey's foreign exchange trip to Australia in his book "Green Lights" is a good example of Richard's pet theory about moving to another city/country making one more vulnerable to narcissistic abuse.
You, Richard are doing some big think . WOW .
You can spend years reading up on Narcissism and digging deep to try and understand what it is you're dealing with but the attachment has to be cut through 'no contact' as soon as possible. Then have a vision of where you want to see yourself in the future - without the Narcissist. Anyone who felt entitled to be abusive to you has no right to be in your life no matter who they are. They will be dead one day and all that time will have been wasted on thinking about them. If you stay around them they will hijack your consciousness and make you do and act in ways that will destroy you. I feel as if my consciousness had been hijacked and now I finally have some control over it. Govts also tend to act like this to get you to do what they want, even if it is not in your best interest. The only way to make them fearful is to threaten legal action, especially if the abuse happened when you were a minor as there is no statue of limitation for abuse against a minor by an adult. Also harassment and coercion by an adult once you're older. They don't like being challenged legally because it will make them look bad.
That was rich! I also learned some new words and learned of new authors and books to read. Thank you for the video!!!
Don’t let these types of people get the better of you.
Narc mother, brother and my father something worse.
I have participated in lots of therapy.
I’m 43 I have my own home and good job and friends.
I am currently doing a degree in psychotherapy and counselling.
Get yourself well, put distance in place, learn compassion for self.
Most of all never ever allow these people to destroy your life. They do not deserve to do that.
I’ve watched this 3 times and every single time I get something new from it, so now I’m watching for the 4th time and I’m taking many notes 📝 Thank you Sir this is a masterpiece I feel like I’m in the room with these people, we all have very similar stories of pain and trauma RG has a very good dry sense of humor which I love I also agree with out god or a sense having a higher power society is dammed the worst things get the more people will seek for someone something and as a Christian I hope they find it because without him I would be gone, from him I gather strength and continue to combat these darkest of days divorcing a C-N