Girl Defined's Sex Tips Keep Getting Worse | Therapist Explains Sexual Compatibility
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I almost can't help but feel bad for Bethy bc her life must suck, but then she tells others that it's the only way and shames them and I no longer feel for her at all
I feel like it's almost a sunk cost fallacy... like, they have to convince everyone else to live the they do instead of considering that's the reason why they're miserable... bc then it validates their decision to stay in their little bubble.
You can tell that her and her sister are very angry, ashamed, and anxious people..
absolutely. it would be really sad if they weren't trying to inflict the same misery on everyone else
“My life sucks, so if you’re over there trying to make YOUR life non-sucky then there’s something wrong with you 😒”
@@EatABrickBigot especially Kristen. We haven't seen her in ages.
I love how she asks, “if you marry someone because you’re sexually compatible” like sis…. No one other than your weird fundie group is getting married just for sex reasons…
Yeah, it's as if normal people get married for a myriad of reasons after a long or short trial period of dating and actually getting to know each other... Sexually and otherwise.... And then deciding to tie the knot. And I mean, it should be a factor apparently, because otherwise you get this whole shebang of airing your dirty laundry and trying to make sense of why her sex life is bad lol
All the skin grafts in the world can't save Fundies from that sick burn.
If anything there are people who decide not to get married due to a lack of comparability, whether it is sexual or personality.
wild that the 'quiverfull' community shames sex for pleasure havers
🤣
bethy's take is literally "if we can't have perfect sexual compatability 100% of the time then why have it at all" which is WILD
I got really fucking lucky that I ended up with someone who I was sexually compatible with and I thank my "struggle with sin" for that because I was WAY more in touch with my sexuality than I was "supposed" to be as a fundamentalist Christian woman👌👌
I felt so guilty about it at the time but now I'm really grateful I had that "struggle" because it has made my marriage amazing😂
She just wants an excuse for the fact that she married someone without considering that at all…and it’s all back to purity culture
It Is so unbelievably sad.
I almost feel bad for her at how blatantly she's unintentionally exposing her own lacking sex life
If we start out sexually compatible and our preferences change over time, then we'll still be in a better place than a couple that *starts out* with low compatibility with preferences that change over time.
As a clinical sexologist, these videos are so hard to watch, because I see people in my practice every day who are so harmed by this type of bullshit. The people she had on as "experts" confuse me - the first woman I thought was a friend or something who just yesterday realized that having a body is ok and that not being able to orgasm doesn't make you broken - which are both true, but not something an expert should be saying without also talking about how you can take your power back and not settle for a life without pleasure or orgasm. I had to look up the second woman online and she lists no credentials that pertain to sexuality. News flash: being a psychologist, counselor etc does not qualify you to be a sex expert. Not unless you took specialized training, and for any therapist to call themselves a sex therapist (ethically, that is) they need to have completed the AASECT certification for therapists, which is a long and challenging process. Watching her I realized that she must have read some things from actual sex experts, grabbed a few nuggets out of context and now presents them as expertise. Her assertion that everyone is responsible for their own orgasm IS true. Our pleasure is our right and also our responsibility, and knowing ourselves sexually is incredibly helpful when having sex with a partner. BUT, as sexologists we are also taught (this is like, 101 level) that the path to taking ownership and power over your sexuality is shame-free, positive sexual exploration, the basis of which is masturbation. So yeah, if you take one phrase, remove all the context and put it in an environment where women's pleasure isn't even a thing, and men are both incredibly entitled and highly sexually inept, and you get this type of shitty, harmful advice. Same for moving your body to experience orgasm. Betty Dodson (who was a freakin legend, by the way, and a pioneer in the field of female masturbation) taught a specific approach to orgasming which included body movement and vocalization. It's absolutely helpful for those who struggle to experience orgasm, or want a more powerful orgasm. But that's only one technique in the context of self-pleasure. The way to have a better orgasm with a partner is first, to know what helps you have an orgasm, and then communicating with them about it - and this may also mean them learning better sex skills, or using toys, or a whole other myriad of things that can be done. Lying there writhing while your inept husband pokes around at you will NOT help you orgasm. Jesus.
The woman speaking at 12:12 says anorgasmia means you’re in a state of preorgasm where you haven’t had one yet. I had understood that anorgasmia meant you either had difficulty orgasming or were unable to. Am I wrong? Is she wrong? I feel this is important.
i have a question. if my partner and i took months to get to a place where we are both comfortable because im traumatized and he’s inexperienced, are we still sexually compatible? we have lots of innate things that we enjoy about having sex with each other, otherwise it’d feel miserable. im also very sexually attracted to him but feel a lot of shame still within that (for example seeing him naked feels very taboo and weird, but the acts are fine.) am i as a traumatized person sexually capable of sexual compatibility with someone? this isn’t to say it wasn’t natural, because it was and still is. it was just hard for me to not be terrified of it as a traumatized person, and that terror i felt and sometimes do still feel due to past experiences, makes me wonder about my capability of sexual compatibility.
So by your logic Mickey shouldnt be talking about it because she’s not trained? :s confused
Thank you for your knowledge! It stung while I was young, but looking back, I'm so thankful I came into partnered sex late-ish (early twenties) because it meant that I had plenty of time to learn and understand my body. Additionally, I was old enough to have already done a lot of work de-stigmatizing sex after growing up in a sexually repressive culture despite having fairly sex positive parents. When you describe a healthy exploration process, I feel like I was able to have that, and when talking to female friends I see how the quality and fun of my sex seems to be unusual. It makes me so sad, and I feel like I often end up coaching friends on how to speak up for themselves with partners.
@@rishaa682 the difference is that Mickey is not presenting herself as an expert or qualified professional in sex, but analyzing GD & Bethy from her general therapy knowledge. Mickey is also clear that what she says is not therapy, rather a starting point for viewers to pursue with their own therapists.
Meanwhile Bethy is selling a “course” as if her own biased musings and advice from equally-unqualified guests & friends has any educational value, authority or backing beyond their interpretation of the Bible.
“Don’t fake an orgasm”, but precedes to explain faking an orgasm. 😂 I can’t.
This!😂
Don’t fake an orgasm, just do everything that includes that. You know, to warm yourself up 🤦♀️
Well to be honest that is sort of what they recommend though for ppl who have mental blocks or become disinterested in penetration but want to enjoy it. Like at least for the breathing part and moaning and kegels during sex but it's not supposed to be exaggerated.
@@jclyntoledo It really comes down to the individual, the couple, and the unique challenges of each. Broad stroke instructions, not coming from a therapist is not it. If your therapist has recommended this and it works, fantastic(I truly mean that). I struggled for years with my own anxiety around s** and this didn’t work for me. I am all for what works, but through a licensed professional working on an individual basis.
That one is recommended by actual sex experts. Not faking, but things we do naturally when nearing orgasm, breathing faster, tensing our muscles, etc. even the getting comfortable making noise, not to please your partner but being comfortable enough to let it out if you’re feeling that way.
I think the top most annoying thing about girl defined is how they think they are qualified to talk about anything
Well, they are, right? After all, they teach straight from literally the ONLY textbook anyone needs for literally any potential scenario! Who needs all that ridiculous secular worldly stuff like, oh, experience or science or individual preference?! 😅🙄
It's ✨ Narcissism ✨
I recently saw a comment that said "Some people don't know shit about fuck."
It was referring to a 19 year old kid scolding women for not being able to hold their periods, but it's a damn true saying in general.
Well we're talking about people who think that when they pray, then any idea that pops into their head is an all knowing god telling them truth about life. On the occasion they get no good ideas poping into their head, then he will send another christian into their life that does know the answer, so the first one that comes along you just accept whatever comes out of their mouth. They think it's a fool proof approach to learning things. You also can't question this approach because if you do, hearing from god would then be a problem and you can't have that.
@@anthonyrobertson2011 oh, I never thought about it that way. Excellent observation
“Sexual compatibility is a lie!” Maybe for you, Bethy 💀
It's giving "I've never had a good sex life and neither should you!!"🤣🤣
@@-w-1870right??? I’m in a long term relationship & things have definitely come up (like when I was on meds that affected my drive). But I brought it up and we TALKED ABOUT IT. That’s what you do when you aren’t conditioned to be ashamed of sex lol
I suspect she’s just so unfamiliar with the idea of choosing a sexual partner based on, idunno, pleasure, that she really believes it means having the EXACT same drive, interests, turnses-onseses etc (essentially what she said it means, source unsited). You know, like how if you and a friend share the same favorite restaurants, you must have the literal exact same tastebuds and like no given flavor or texture more or less than the other… otherwise how would it possibly be more fun eating together than dragging some random person with you who hates/is apathetic toward/is allergic to everything on the menu?
If you are compatable partners, you MAY be able to work thru the differences to become physically compatable... but some things are non-negotiable and un fulfilable.
I'm a cis/ace male and some things are just a no-go for me. A person who needs/wants those things is going to be disappoined and frustrated, no matter how much they find me a compatable partner in other aspects!
It definitely is when you're instructed to never explore yourself before contractually binding yourself to someone you've never done it with.
The more of these I watch, the more I’m convinced that Bethany is doing all this primarily to convince HERSELF of what she’s saying, because she cannot handle the idea that everything she’s been saying for years and based her whole identity on is WRONG.
I agree. I think she is unhappy with her choices and has to make it feel like the right choices by trying really hard to justify them.
Yeah, that's definitely a huge factor in why Bethany is doing this.
Yep‼️🎯🎯🎯
I almost feel bad, gurl needs an intervention with trusted, healthy people.... which is *not* gonna happen in her bubble
Oh yeah - she's 100% telling on herself and it's kind of sad, but also cringe.
imagine living in a world where you just,,, never talk about sex with your actual partner, but somehow feel qualified to speak on it to the masses as if you're an expert 💀
I think the thing that drives me the most insane about these types of people speaking on sex and relationships is how HAVING A FUCKING CONVERSATION is never an option?????? like bethy bestie,,, you clearly love talking about this shit,, maybe try talking about it WITH YOUR PARTNER????
side note: the simultaneous way that men get both worshipped as the ultimate rulers of the household but also babied to the extent that they're incapable of doing things on their own???? make it make sense
YES YES YES!!
Having not been raised Christian, it's always blown my mind how in fundie Christianity men are simultaneously infantilized AND portrayed as the only people capable of being truly rational, intelligent beings capable of being trusted in any capacity whatsoever. Like, how is it that only men can be trusted to make decisions of any import because they're "more intelligent, less emotional and more rational" than women...but yet they're simultaneously ravenously uncontrollable beasts who are bound to totally lose all reason and voluntary control if they catch so much as a glimpse of immodestly covered female flesh!?
MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!!! 🤯😭
That's kinda how privilege works though, doesn't it? It advantages one group while infantilizing them, and oppresses another group and makes them responsible for compensating for the infantilization.
It's an unnatural separation of power and responsibility. It's not actually good for anyone.
@@coda3223 Agreed! It's not even good for the privileged parties...seemingly contrary to much popular belief.
How many ways will Bethany tell us that she isn’t attracted to her husband 😂
⚰️⚰️⚰️⚰️
Honestly, I think it's the other way around. There's a video in which he accidentally (?) says, "I don't like you."
they really said "men can't be expected to find the clit" with their WHOLE chest huh
I laughed too hard at this
My takeaway from this is that Bethany thinks enjoying sex is always a struggle.
Is it just me, or does she and everyone else raised in this worldview think life is only ever about struggle and that thing like joy, humor, kindness, and contentment are just illusions?
This view romanticizes "the struggle" . If there is no struggle or something to go through, then we can't become an expert and peddle our expertise. It's hard for me to listen to what she says, because I was raised in it and there's part of me that wants to fall back into it because it's familiar. Deconstruction is so hard.
I wonder if she’s somewhere in the Ace spectrum and is just so used to “forcing” herself that it seems “insane” to her that anyone **a c t u a l l y** enjoys it.
Especially when she said girls should not date Mr. Struggle.
@@TheNameIsNymI got the impression that she was clinically frigid.
I almost feel sorry for Bethany. How confusing it must be to want to experience pleasure and explore your sexuality but your religion tells you “your body belongs to your husband” and “self pleasure is sin!” So you turn to these “experts” that come up with equally confusing “advice” so you can “experience pleasure in a god honouring way” 🙄
I say i almost feel sorry for her bc the girl obviously has access to the internet so she could be learning from actual experts!
Also, Jesus had a BODY?!?!?! 🤯 No sh*t Sherlock 🤦🏼♀️
Yes to everything you wrote!!
And yeah...I wish I couldn't believe they were serious about seeming like it was such a shockingly innovative concept that Jesus had a body, but, well...*shrug*
(Oh, and it's even more ridiculous in the context of actual christian history! I was told this fascinating tidbit by a scholar with degrees in both religious studies and art: apparently, in early Christian art, there was a trend of portraying Jesus nude with a full-on erection! Evidently the idea was that this was the most direct way to portray him as a fully human, living & breathing person who was no different than any other man in the physical sense and with regards to sexual response. At some point, the Vatican had many of these depictions destroyed, but at one time they were quite common.)
@@maneckineckbeard1749fuck the Vatican man
Any sex positive Christian fundies have to frame their message around Jesus-extra points if it mentions the suffering-because without Jesus, anything involving the human body and sensation is “sinful”. For insiders, the human body is inherently “sinful” and was never “perfect” or “pure” after Adam and Eve, and its beaten into us as children that nothing we can do will change that apart from Jesus’ blood. At least Baptists generally believe that can’t be lost or revoked; my denomination had me panic on a daily basis whenever I realized I was a little too happy.
At the end of the day we need to keep reminding ourselves these women are undereducated. “Bible study” is the most education they’ve had, and at no point is critical thought part of it. And this is the result, poor educated people clinging to the words of others simply because they’re the same brand of Christianity and therefore “good” to their eyes, despite embarrassingly bad content
@@liminalhaunt That reminds me of some sermons I heard at the Baptist church I went to many years ago. Essentially, our body is NOT a temple and we shouldn't be concerned about taking care of it, such as eating right and exercising, because we should be focused on our spirituality instead. At the time I thought that was a very convenient message coming from an older, overweight pastor. It seemed to me that since our body was created by God, we should actually put effort into taking better care of it and it doesn't need to be an either/or conflict between caring for your spirit or your body. It's possible to do both! Then I realized that I disagree with a lot of what Baptists have to say and most of it is coming from old white men twisting the Old Testament to fit their own beliefs about men having all the power and women doing what the men tell them to. I left and will never go to a Baptist church again. I'm using the brain God gave me and the body attached to it instead of sitting around waiting for a man to provide for me in exchange for my servitude.
Wait, let me put on my cringe hat. Okay, I'm ready.
Thank you, you reminded me in time 😂
I keep wanting to hide behind a pillow. It’s so bad.
I got sunglasses and my emergency sleep mask so my eyes stay protected.
A++ reminder
I'll get my fluffy earmuffs. I need a bit of a buffer between myself and what they're going to say.
On the sexual comparability thing: I had a similar conversation with a family member when I first got married to a “ god fearing Christian man”. I told her about how we’re engaged and plan to marry and etc etc. and my family member said “ yeah but are you happy “ and I replied “ happiness is a farce. It’s fleeting. Happiness isn’t a constant for anyone. We’re doing this because it brings glory to god”.
Needless to say I’m divorced … and funny enough, happy about it
As a Christian, I'm just boggling at how anyone might have ever believed that getting married brings glory to God (big G when it's a proper noun #NitPick). Especially when St Paul advocates it as a solution to the sin of sexual incontinence and recommends that the best happiness can be found in not marrying and thus abstaining from sex. Specifically, that husbands and wives spend most of their time thinking about how to please each other, but the unmarried can spend it all thinking about how to please God. Most of modern Christianity in all its flavours is heavily based on St Paul's opinions as stated in the New Testament, so *actually* getting married is the opposite of 'bringing glory to God'. I really hope you're much happier now you've found your way to a geniunely Godly mode of life 👍
So....avoid sex whatsoever.... That sounds great.
@@paulaunger3061 I purposely leave god and christian in lowercase because I do not believe they are "proper" nouns
@@Jarimir A proper noun is a name. If you're using the word as a name, it needs a capital letter. Religion and 'belief' has nothing to do with basic grammar (or any other kind of grammar).
@@paulaunger3061 I don't believe in your kind of base grammar...
Your god is only a thing with a name in your mind. The lower case "c" is more of a denouncement of christianity and not Jesus Christ. When is the last time you've seen a Conservative christian turn the other cheek, put down his sword, and offer his shirt to the man that stole his jacket?
Nothing like talking about Jesus's bodyodyody to learn about sex 😂
Thanks for making me read this sentence with my own two eyes 😂
alexa, play 'rock me sexy jesus' from hamlet 2.
BRO PLEASE, I CHOKED ON MY COFFEE! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Body of Christ
Sleek swimmer's body, all muscled up and toned
Body of Christ
Oh what a body, I wish I could call it my own
Lord almighty, I've never been so enticed
Oh I wish I could have the body of Christ
Body of Christ
Body of Christ
Body of Christ
Lord almighty, I've never been so enticed
Oh I wish I could have the body of Christ
Transformed Wife had a post about sexual compatability several months ago. I commented that I'd hate to find out I was asexual after I was married, particularly if my partner had a high sex drive. She said something or another about sexual sin and to flee fornication. My favorite comment was, "Nobody flees fornication better than aces." 😆
That should be on a T shirt
OMG, brilliant!! 🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I'm literally Ling OL!!
speaking as a member of the ace community. a t-shirt sounds great. lmao sometimes I flee fornication by accident.
As a cis/ace male I love it!
💀🤣🤣🤣
Bethany spoke in a podcast about crying on her honeymoon because the sex wasn't perfect. And its clear that these people are taught to think that sex should be perfect from the jump and if it isnt something's wrong with you - going back to your Glen and Phyllis Hill video.
Jeez that’s rough. Makes me even more thankful I wasn’t raised in her religion or any religion that pushes purity culture
Yup! I was raised the same way and we were taught to be good little pure virgins but as soon as you are married, sex will be amazing and you will orgasm coz that’s what happens. I was so disappointed when I first had sex and I was like “that’s it?” Haha
I thought there was something wrong with me because it wasn’t that great and we were taught penetration was all you needed. So I’ve learned a lot since but that’s the teaching sadly.
@@stephaniewebb6827I can confirm. I’m kinda glad I secretly in my heart left the church long before having sex for the first time, or even thinking in any real way about having sex. It’s been decades though, and I still find that internalized shame etc hiding away in my brain, so I definitely wasn’t spared completely.
Yep ur told if u wait it will be beautiful n special with tht person. You may even move your own. I was told tht ALOT. I think it made me ready to just wanna get marrjed n love very hard. For sx but also to get away cuz i ws goin thru abuse from step dad. Luckily it just never happened for me, i run from thought of sx with men. Having to fck them to keep them, yea no im into them but also women luckily. I just am single by choice rn.
"You" being the woman in this scenario.
As someone who grew up in purity culture youth groups I can say that so much effort is put into telling ppl that their bodies and physical desires are sinful that for that lady to say that your body is important will be revelatory to some in Bethy's audience. But again...this is an answer to a problem the system/culture created.
I have to laugh, though, because when she asserts that bodies are important, she couches that importance in terms of Christ being tortured to death.
@@mst3kharris oh, that part was wild AF.
@@mst3kharrisYes, but frankly, in that world, it has to be couched that was if anyone is going to listen. Coming from that works, I really found her comments hopeful, because it’s the kind of thing that could genuinely open some doors at least a crack towards religious women taking their own bodily needs into account. And so much of the control that’s exerted in those communities hinges on them not looking at their bodies as good or important or…theirs. Cracking that door open could truly let in some other healthy ideas, because it would be kind of revolutionary. But the damage in place now is so intense that they’ll never listen to reason in the first place unless there is a totally Christ/crucifiction/ressurection related justification attached to it.
“It’s fine that you have zero sexual compatibility with a partner who shows no interest in participating in your orgasm! Just point your toes, make some noise, and think about our lord and savior sacrificing his body for you. It’ll be fine.”
I'm not sure if that's worse than "Lie back and think of England" or if it's equally bad. No wait, I take that back - they're equally bad.
The utmost orgasmic thought 😂
In other words, break the commandment that tells us not to 'bear false witness'.
Lie back and think of Golgotha
You genuinely just made me laugh out loud, and that’s difficult to do regarding the toxic fundie “lessons” of this (or any other?) nature. Just wanted to say thanks. 🤣
imagine feeling like you can't even touch yourself, having a partner who never touches or goes down on you, and then being gaslit into believing "I'm just anorgasmic and that's perfect and God-made" GROSSSSSSS
Not Doing any self-pleasure at all also means that your brain isn't trained for orgasming
That is sad.
My husband and I have INSANE sexual chemistry and compatability. We've been together for 13 years, and the sex is still fire, after kids, job changes, life changes, etc. If anything, it's gotten better, like a fine wine. All I ever hear when she talks is, "my sex life is horrible, and you should be, too."
I agree. 10 years in and still great. I feel sorry for the people who feel like they need to hate on something they've never had.
Same!! I could have written this comment. 😂 13 years married, 15 together and 3 kids and our sex life just keeps getting better!
Not gonna lie, this is where premarital sex comes in handy. If I hadn't had prior sexual experience, I wouldn't have been able to tell that we were so compatible. While I would like to say sexual compatiblity wouldn't have mattered, but, for me, it really did.
A grammar lesson
Damn. Y’all are goals!!
So if it’s not a man’s responsibility to make sure a woman has an orgasm, then in turn it’s not a woman’s responsibility to make sure the man does, right?? I doubt they would ever say that. The misogyny is strong with this one. 🙄
I grew up evangelical and let me tell you: everything is always the woman's/afab person's fault. Always, no matter what.
How horrible
It’s cuz of that original sin BAYBEE
It's the same stuff they used to justify slavery. Just twist some scriptures into their opinion or view.
I swear these rules were invented purely to cause unhappiness, particularly for women. Don't be a sexual being, but also be a sexual being. Don't expect men to understand how to get you off, but never ever offer guidance and never ever suggest trying something new if you're not feeling pleasure. And no, you're not allowed to finish yourself if sex ends without you orgasming and your partner is already asleep.
I wonder if anyone raised in this fundamentalist world just threw up their hands one day and said, "I give up. None of this makes sense, I hate myself, you'll never be happy with anything I do, and I'm never gonna find someone special. So I'm just going to sit over there and you can all forget I exist!" They proceed to ignore/suppress whatever healthy sexual urges and curiosity they feel from then on and end up in therapy for years just trying to be OK with having a sexual side on top of having depression or other mental health problems.
Why do you think the church ladies are such harsh over bearing mothers who can't stay out of strangers' business? They turn all those feelings of being trapped in a system that doesn't serve them towards innocent people rather than taking some personal responsibility...mostly so they can act like helpless children their whole lives and not work.
That's what happens when it's male controlled
Wow. It's so bloody tragic and depressing.
Your comment reminds me of a Terry Jones quote on Christianity. I can't remember it verbatim, but it was to the effect of, "Unlike the many religious obligations placed on men, Christianity only had two expectations for women: that their ambition should be to remain perpetually "pure" and virginal...and also that they should bear as many children as possible." 😬😕
"Take responsibility for your own sexual pleasure." then why have sex if your husband doesn't play a part in that? oh, right, masturbation is "sinful" to them. Basically what they are describing is a loophole to be able to masturbate because a man can use you in order to get sexual gratification.
Sounds like my first marriage
as a jew, i am VERY uncomfortable with these people's willingness to associate their intimate sexual moments with... _jesus???_ i know in a lot of religions and religious cultures there are sex-associated deities, but evangelical christianity is not one of those religions and old JC is not one of those deities
Oh! You don't even know the start of it! My theory is that bc it's monotheism, God has to be every thing, father, freind, leader, Dom, teacher, even lover. It's definitely a little odd in these circles but way more normal than you might think.
I find the “bodies are important because having a body allowed Jesus to be tortured to death” take to be an extremely odd approach to pleasure.
@@mst3kharrismaybe they're all more or less secretly into bdsm bc it just meshes so neatly with that passion of the Christ and sacrifice angle? Idk
@11:30 “Jesus’ sacrifice wouldn’t have been possible if he didn’t have a body” had me dying in laughter. 😂😂😂 Bitch then what are y’all eating crackers on Sunday for ??
😂😂💀 this comment completely took me out!
The advice on how to "help" your body have an orgasm felt to me (afab late diagnosed autistic) like she was telling women to mask. And like you pointed out, that is all about the comfort of the other person. Thank you for always pushing back against this harmful advice. ❤
This this this exactlyyyyyy
This whole era shes in is SO telling of her own sex life. It's embarrassing honestly, and sad to hear.
Sexual compatibility is real. Just, not for her I guess lol. I hope she stops airing out her sex life, I'm getting second hand embarrassment.
It's even more strange given the fact that in plenty of fundamentalist religions which practice actual arranged marriage, potential sexual compatibility is one of the things that's often taken into account when arranging a marriage.
Like, in ultra-orthodox Judaism, if someone feels an immediate and automatic physical repulsion towards a potential spouse, the matchmaker takes that into account. But in this breed of fundie Christianity, a blatant lack of sexual compatibility often seems to be treated almost as a badge of honor for women! Like, "Oh, look at me! I'm such a long-suffering martyr! I absolutely *despise* sex with my husband, but I still do it whenever he wants (and even pretend to love it) because I'm such a model Christian wife!" It's so gross, sad, confusing and just...ugh.
I truly feel sorry for Dav, it seems he has become the punching bag for her dysfunctional sex life...
So you have to take responsibilty for your own orgasm but you're not allowed to masturbate, so you gotta play the hard game and have your partner find out for you? Oh but then that would be expecting them to be involved in helping you orgasm, which is unrealistic. Make it make sense.
Nailed it!
I’m not a sexologist or anything, but I am a seggs worker who’s in the k!nk community. So I’ve been around the block a few times. And one thing I can say is when women follow this kind of advice, it’s not just the girls who suffer. A lot of the time the men are just as self conscious because they can tell everything is forced. And all that ends up happening is their husbands drop in my DMs offering to pay $250 an hour so they can see a woman have a real 0rgasm ☠️
woah that's so interesting, good to know
Woah 😮 interesting comment
i've always thought that too, just in the case of my own personal relationships, for example if i started faking for my boyfriend, how would he feel any confidence or reassurance that what he's doing actually pleases me? its tricky bc women/afab folk are SO conditioned to lie for the comfort of the eggplant-haver, but it's important thing to navigate
She clearly thinks sexual compatibility is some sort of magical concept, like love at first sight.
It’s her unicorn for sure. How sad.
It's kind of upsetting how little she understands concepts like this. It's like watching a kid trying to understand something that's not age-appropriate.
@@katelyn4358 That’s a really interesting way to put it, I agree with you
@@katelyn4358right! Like she got stalled back at child age psychologically so that she won't feel bad emotions or because she's used to let her inner child take charge
Is sexual compatibility a lie or are you and your husband just bad at it, Bethy?
It's really quite sad that they must not be very sexually compatible but she's been told all her life that being in and staying in a marriage is her only option no matter what.
@@powderandpaint14I suppose she thinks that the person you choose as your spouse will automatically be sexually compatible with you and if not you're broken because how can you not be compatible with your godgiven forever husband?? Instead of reverse engineering it like, you meet, get into a relationship, explore sexually and have your compatibility in bed be one of the many reasons why you pick someone as a spouse ...
@@xLiLlyx98yup! That’s literally what they are taught. Your spouse is the one God has for you and so automatically, everything will be compatible. I grew up that way and we were never taught about anything except just find a Christian spouse. Not even talk about healthy communication or how do you treat each other etc.
Of course I grew up in the 90s so we didn’t even know about boundaries until the early 2000s. Or maybe that was just my childhood lol
@@xLiLlyx98Sadly, I've spoken with people who were raised in that world, and who experienced overwhelming guilt and shame when they discovered that they actually didn't just immediately and miraculously love sexual interaction with their spouse...for some, this totally normal human experience convinced them that they *must* have somehow "given away a piece of their heart" to someone else and therefore created a "soul tie" with another person. There are literally people who think that anything from an adolescent crush to SA created a "soul tie" with someone, and that this would essentially prevent them from ever enjoying sexual satisfaction with their spouse.
I've also spoken to someone who dated a woman who had been raised in fundie religion; she suffered from vaginismus, but had resigned herself to a lifetime of either total celibacy or painful sex, and since marriage was portrayed as a woman's ultimate purpose then my guess is that she chose the latter. I feel so much sadness for not only her, but also for the man she likely eventually married...if he genuinely cared for her or had any compassion whatsoever, then how awful would it be to know that sex was excruciating for your wife!?
She’s really projecting her own issues with that real. She’s been spoon fed so many lies that it’s been hard to figure out how much she says online is just parroting what other people say vs which are her own thoughts
Wait... if that christian sex lady wants you to act like you're in pre-orgasm... how would these women even know if they're not allowed to masturbate?
It genuinely continues to shock me how Bethy can say that sexual compatibility doesn/'t exist, when by her own admission and pride, she was celibate in action AND thought until marriage, and so were all the young women around her. Her own sister admitted that she didn't find her husband attractive on their wedding day! She has no internal or external experience to have a position on this at all. I would rather take sex courses from a sex worker, who has experienced a wide array of things and people, not someone who used to preach that even thinking that someone was attractive is a 'sin against god'
She cannot admit that sexual compatibility is a thing because that would mean complete premarital abstinence including kissing (as she did) is only setting couples up for heartache & failure. If both premarital sexual activity and DISCUSSION are taboo, and divorce isn’t an option or only permitted in extreme situations, the only thing left is convincing yourself & others that the purity-culture path is right and good actually, despite admitting to the whole internet that your marriage was miserable for years
It's like a life long vegan having a steak and then making videos about how to cook meat like they are now an expert. (I say this as a vegan, I wouldn't lecture anyone on how to cook stuff I haven't eaten in over 10 years lol!)
I never knew I was having bad sex until I had good sex so she would have no idea about sexual compatibility at all. Not saying you should sleep with a bunch of people but saying something doesn’t exist when you don’t have much experience is very dumb. It’s definitely real.
The woman talking about taking charge of your own pleasure on the please don't masturbate channel is priceless
3:25 she was already on google all she had to do was navigate to google scholar at the bare minimum 😭😭😭
It seems she thinks compatibility = sameness. I don't need to have the same interests as my partner to be compatible.
Thank you! My goodness that definition had me 😮
I agree!
This is just so sad. Bethy’s guest goes on and on about “taking responsibility for your own pleasure”? Yikes. So they’re putting on themselves if they aren’t enjoying sex? And it really sounds like she’s encouraging people to start faking “symptoms” of an orgasm in order to trick your brain into having one? Is that what she’s trying to say? Weird and sad stuff. And the whole “sexual compatibility isn’t real” bs is wild. All that means is you and your partner work together sexually. She seems to be under the impression sexual compatibility means you and your partner like the exact same things sexually?
Well they are kind of right. Your pleasure is your responsibility, and if your partner can't pleasure you at all you have the right to leave and pursue what you want. You are your own best advocate, all the time.
@@personmcdudeguyshe’s famously anti-masturbation, anti-legitimate-education and anti-communication though. What she’s advocating is the “just feel it” method.
@@personmcdudeguyyeah, I think the problem is the context in which she promotes responsibility. In a safe, sex positive environment, taking responsibility could mean figuring out what works for you, exploring, communicating with a partner… but in purity culture it becomes victim blaming
@@personmcdudeguyeah, we are responsible, no matter who we are, for our pleasure. Ask, tell, communicate. If these fundies are moving even a millimeter on their crap sexual messaging, that's a good thing.
I like fundy snark as much as the next person, but Mickey, I don't think you're considering context here, and that's not helpful for people in that world or who are deconstructing.
@@jacobus57I agree with your take. Coming from someone who grew up in that cult, the idea that my sexual pleasure was within my control was a huge breakthrough for me.
I love Mickey but this video had some moments where she lost her sensitivity to survivors of this cult and took on a mocking tone.
I wouldn't be surprised if this idea of sexual compatibility being false is a direct byproduct of coerced marriages. Because fundies tend to see marriage as more of a religious obligation without the option of divorce, incompatibility is inevitable for a number of people and they have no option but to settle for what they can get. Along with this, any relational break down is on the fault of whomever isn't compliant to sex and would be perceived as being "selfish".
The Christian perspective has always been that any breakdown of the relationship is the fault of the women not the person not wanting sex. In this model if the man doesn't want sex it's the woman's responsibility to fix. And if the woman doesn't want sex it's the woman's fault.
It's no wonder women working outside the home is frowned upon. It's a full time job taking the blame for anything less than a perfect marriage.
Anyone who says sexual chemistry doesn't exist hasn't had sex with more than one person. Chemistry isn't likes and dislikes. It's chemical in nature and is deeper than what you like. It's kind-of impossible to describe, but you know it when you have it with someone. I feel bad for these people who are condemned to having bad sex with someone they force themselves to like. I can't imagine a worse way to spend a life.
Seriously! I've had connections with people which feel really genuine and exciting, and then when it comes to sex it's just... not there. So weird. I remember my Dad sitting me down and basically telling me that I didn't need to have sex before marriage. If I encountered any issues in that department, God would help me sort them out.
Hair, fit, and setup are all amazing !!!! Thank you both as always for making these videos
As someone who has been married for 8 years and both myself and my spouse were virgins, let me tell you sexual compatibility absolutely fuckin matters.
Sorry sis ❤️❤️ hope it’s improving over time
I could not agree more. It took me years to figure out that I am on the asexual spectrum (and I married someone who loves sex) and that I am not broken. The churchy people love to tell me I'm broken because I am asexual.
Oof. Feel ya on the "figuring out ace" thing!! The toxic fundamentalist Xtian gumbo of female sexual submissiveness, suppression of desire or romantic behaviour (esp towards "unbelievers") and simultaneous expectation of availability to male desire takes a lot of working through to figure out where one actually fits amidst it all?
How are these people so anti-sex, yet are obsessed with talking about it all the time 😭😭😭
Because it's become unprofitable to be loudly pro-purity, so they need to pretend while simultaneously not upsetting their religious superiors.
I used to be in a church that taught stuff like this. I was a "core women's leader," and I couldn't tell you how many young women I talked to who held deep distrust of their body, deep shame for having sexual thoughts/having a sexual relationship because the demands of purity culture are so high and anxiety-inducing. As absolutely wacky as all the stuff Beth and this lady are saying, I can see how they would be a first step towards breaking away from purity culture that teaches women to be almost anti-sexual beings. It's still wacky. Purity culture shouldn't exist at all, but if I heard these words when I was younger, maybe I would have woken up a lot sooner. idk. It's still so bad. It's still so triggering. But I can see why their audience might find this really compelling.
The hard thing is that for every affirming, positive, healthy thing that gets said as a fundie you get a hundred bashing, negative, shame-filled things to counter it. That's one of the things that made it so hard (for me at least) to break away. Even though I'd think "that sounds right. that makes me feel good" I'd get caught up in the negative stuff and doubt the positive thing. That kept holding me back. But these healthy ideas do accumulate and with enough counter ideas the weight of it all does make the whole thing crumple. I just wish the whole thing wasn't so isolating so that young fundies would feel comfortable accessing different viewpoints. But I agree that every little bit helps.
I've been deconstructing for a few years now, and one of the things that I had to do because of fundamentalism is learn how to be in my body. Unfortunately, people in fundamental Christianity, especially AFAB people, are often encouraged to ignore their body sensations to the point where it can be hard to even check in with yourself. For instance, I often have a hard time knowing when I'm hungry or understanding that I'm tired when I start to feel anxious close to bedtime. It seems silly, but I was told to ignore my body's needs and cues for so long that I just do that automatically now. The person who came on Bethany's video as like an "expert" in the field of sex is who made a big deal about our bodies being good is, I feel, just demonstrating how little information fundamentalist Christians are allowed to have regarding even just their own body, let alone sex. Really, what she said is something that in a perfect world wouldn't need to be said because we know that the body is important and that all bodies are good bodies. In actuality, she may be trying to deconstruct not her entire faith, but the idea that our bodies are bad in her own way.
One hundred percent. I didn’t realize how divorced I felt from my body and how much chronic pain I’d been living in for much of my life until my gynecologist referred me to a pelvic floor physical therapist, and I realized that I had more than pelvic floor issues. My whole body was in pain and I always felt tense, but I only began unpacking WHY in the last year or so.
This 💯. Also, they have to walk such a fine line even just to say this. Because AFAB bodies must still be shamed and controlled. So even though they're going this far, they don't really mean it. To be clear, trans women and gay cis men are punished too. Because the body is a life sentence to these people. What you have determines everything about your place in the world. If they really believed that AFAB and women's bodies were perfect, there wouldn't be such a strict hierarchy.
If a man in this culture is having trouble orgasming (or even maintaining an erect) it’s still 100% the wife’s responsibility. It’s so lonely and empty and wayyy to much responsibility for one partner to shoulder.
yes. that's exactly how it goes.
Uhh what
Cue Anna, Jill, Jessa, and Jinger Duggar. Sick sad repressive misogynistic culture.
I love watching Mickey's facial expressions while she's listening to these people. 😂😂😂
The thing is, it is a revelation that your body matters and is good when you're in that culture. I still struggle with feelings that I'm dirty simply for having a corporeal form. It's not uncommon for the body or "the flesh" to be referred to as something that has to be crucified because it holds your ungodly desires and is in rebellion to god. I was taught from the time that I was tiny that to be righteous was to resist giving into my unholy body by giving into pain, tiredness, hunger, desire, etc.
It’s so normal for mothers to tell their daughters, that sex isn’t about them. Even if they don’t mean to. My mother once literally told me that sometimes for the health of your relationship you’ve got to have sex when your not in the mood. I was 16 and was in my first serious relationship. I did not take her advice, I already knew from what I’d learnt in school about consent and how I was meant to enjoy sex too that wasn’t something I wanted. She did teach me a lot of good things, but nothing really about enjoying sex, it was all based around protecting myself from sex I didn’t want from strangers.
Hey Mickey, kinda off topic. It's old news at this point, but I was really interested in Jonah Hill's therapist, Phil Stutz, because apparently they have a friend/mentor relationship. It's not a normal client/therapist dynamic. I'd love to get your thoughts from a mental health professional's perspective.
Can be very toxic
There are some great roundups of therapists commenting on his concerning and unethical practices, starting when the documentary came out last year. Nia Tipton did a good one for YourTango.
I grew up fundamentalist and hearing that sexual compatibility was a lie. When I started dating I discovered veeery quickly that sexual compatibility was DEFINITELY a thing. My ex and I were only making out and we had serious issues with incompatibility. Realizing I was lied to about sexual compatibility is what kick-started my deconstruction. Whenever I hear evangelicals complain about deconstruction or wonder why people are leaving the church in droves... maybe don't tell people blatant lies and then spiritually gaslight them when they have serious issues in life based on the lies you taught? It is so tragic that people like Bethy are still perpetuating this BS.
man, I'm just so incredibly grateful that you continue to use inclusive language, ESPECIALLY on videos like this
it makes me feel just that little bit safer and more loved, thank you
Oh my Gawd. I can’t believe she takes herself so seriously, especially with her brother’s recent disclosures.
What are those? I'm really out of the loop on these chicks, my mental energy can't take too much of them at once...
Spill the tea sis! 👀👀👀
@@kayhaven4710Fundie Fridays posted a video talking all about like 2 weeks ago.
All this talk about moving more, pointing toes, making noise... it saddens me that their experience of sexuality seems purely performative and for their partner only.
It reminded me of this quote: Kneel down, move your lips in prayer, and you will believe.
They seem to think that acting out these behaviours will somehow give them an orgasm or improve their sex life. It's pretty tragic.
It's marginally better than what they've been taught. Which is lie perfectly still like a corpse with your eyes closed so you don't appear unladylike.
bethy is seeming to assume that when we talk about "compatibility," we're only discussing sex drive. there are more things to align on than quantity of sexual encounters - type, style, who's on top (not that that's allowed in her circles), kinks, etc. like maybe you'll lose taste for the frequency with which you have sex over time, but a bunch of other factors tend to remain mostly the same. which is yet another example of why she's completely unqualified to be giving this advice, lol
I think it's an unfortunate but understandable oversimplification? In secular popular culture, that definition of "just chemistry" seems to run pretty rampant too.
Honestly, I feel like the more nuanced understanding of facets of compatibility & intimacy is sadly the less common thing, outside perhaps of therapy contexts...?
I’d also remind these ladies that for those of us who were preorgasmic, we didn’t know what things would happen in our body when we orgasm. Doing those actions would be impossible since we don’t know how our bodies respond to orgasm.
Im not from that type of upbringing but started very late in exploring my body, and leading up to my first attempts at orgasm it was literally overstimulating. How these women are expected to know what its like or what to expect with no pre self exploring. And if they are getting close with their spouse for the first time could they be overwhelmed by the intensity? And then they may lose it because they dont know what those feelings are. Or think the lead up is the orgasm?? Such a lack of info and no chance to explore themselves at their own pace and what theyre comfortable with
@@poppymason-smith1051 this is such a good point as well!
I'm 25 and I've yet to have an orgasm 😔 i feel like I get close but it gets too intense and I pull away. Feels like I'm about to die with how strong it is
@@SQUELCH-zj7ilI can relate to that. I’m considering seeing a pelvic floor therapist as I think it could be related to hypertension in the pelvic floor.
@@besophia893 I've never heard of this before 🤔 thanks for the comment, I'll do a bit of research into this. Does it feel like you have to "push" it out? All my friends say that I have to relax but I always feel like I need to push
0:17 I love how during the pause in the teaser I said "girl what?!" and then Mickey goes "what?" cause SAME BBG SAME 😭😭😭😭
100% It was like life in stereo during the intro clip
Me: wut?
Mickey: wut?
Together: **wheeze**
@@glh5622 we are all living the same life ✋🏾😭
Mickey is a good person to be in sync with 😂
The worst thing about this, is even after you leave the faith behind, those beliefs persist and the fight to the surface of the OCEAN of shame and misinformation you are drowned in from a young age takes so long. I've not been a Christian since my 27 year old kid was in the THIRD GRADE and I still fight it.
But I promise if you're fighting your way out of it, there's light at the end of the tunnel, to mix my metaphors. Especially with a supportive partner right alongside you.
Agreed. I honestly was cringing a bit at Mickey's take on some of this, Im sorry...? Not that her info was wrong!! But that she seemed to be rather insensitive to what a lot of the OP's viewers will be dealing with in terns of context, and the constant laughing at the presenters, yikes 😵
Digging your way out of growing up in the fundamentalist misinformation hole is honestly something of a lifelong journey, and anything that presents barriers to encouraging people to start that process is... unfortunate? 😔
It’s so heartbreaking to think of a grown woman who doesn’t know anything about sex or pleasure simply because her family taught her it was the greatest sin… and to be married too. Damn.
I get trying to induce an orgasm when you're having trouble with it, I have found flexing my muscles while I'm experiencing self stimulation for example has helped me get more reliable orgasms.
And doing things like allowing yourself to make noise can help you relax because silence can be anxiety inducing, again from personal experience as someone with ADHD.
It's not however about faking it, it's about geting more comfortable personally as someone having sex.
You can put in effort for yourself without trying to mimick porn acting.
Did you know Jesus couldnt make a sacrifice without a BODY? That's how IMPORTANT a BODY is.
Lmao so I can explain the Christian lore. In the flavor of fundie that I grew up in there's the concept of spirit, mind/soul and body being 3 completely separated things. So fundamentally you are a spiritual being, and it's almost like you just happen to be in a body right now. But the body is temporary and it's the least important aspect of who you are. It's one of those ideas that can easily get taken too far lol.
@@t_ylrwould that mean that canonically Jesus really only made a little bit of a sacrifice? Did they ever address that?
@@WhatWouldLubitschDo I don't think they thought it all the way thru
@@t_ylr gotcha 😂
@@t_ylrnice, love that 😂 because that's what every flavour of organised religion sounds like to me but maybe I'm biased 😅
Mickey's inability to put together a sentence at 15:00 due to laughter over Bethy's "sex course" was a mood.
Today was a good day to wear my Girl Defiled tank. 🤣
Let me see if I understood. Physical chemistry and bodies are unimportant for sexual compatibility and in fact sometimes you have to fool your body into thinking it’s having an orgasm, except bodies are also precious and important because having a body is what allowed Christ to suffer and die for our sins. Also penis-havers are the ultimate authorities and conduits for God’s power on Earth but the pleasure and orgasms of vulva-havers aren’t important enough that the penis-havers should have to know anything about them, let alone how to cause them. Did I get that right?
Also, I want to highlight this: the woman speaking at about 12:12 asserts that anorgasmia means “preorgasmic” where you haven’t come yet. I checked on the Mayo Clinic site: anorgasmia is “delayed, infrequent or absent orgasms - or significantly less-intense orgasms - after sexual arousal and adequate sexual stimulation.” So she’s wrong and she’s wrong in a way that implies you just haven’t tried enough.
Wow, Bethy. Tell us you've never experienced sexual compatibility without telling us you've never experienced sexual compatibility 😬
Also Mickey you look cute AF today
How are they anti masturbation but pro "being responsible for your own pleasure" MAKE IT MAKE SENSE 🤣
I feel like the “in your body” woman sounded like someone’s sexual awakening when they get really high and lay on the floor or something 😂 And you’re like “Wait! Jesus had a body! 😮”
I may or may not be having vodka for lunch. Let's go!!!
are you doing okay
@@e1shaddai you are so sweet YES I'm okay!!! I decided to have a midday drink and enjoy some TH-cam for my self care today lol
If someone describes sexual preferences as “turns ons” and English is actually their first language, they may not be a sex expert. Lol bethy.
Referring to such things as "turns on" makes it pretty clear to me that this is a brand-new concept to her.
Thank you Mickey sooo much for sharing this!
Bethy is just so cringeworthy, but doling out bad advice must be exposed...
The bisexual flag hair colors are EVERYTHING. IT LOOKS SO GOOD PN YOU
Religious component completely aside, if I happened to stumble upon an expensive sex course being offered by a non-religious source, and I found out that the person behind the course had no relevant credentials to speak of AND had only started having sex within the last 5-6 years AND had only ever had sex with one person, I’d laugh my ass off at the audacity. There is no shame is in only starting to have sex recently or in only having sex with one partner, but there is shame in trying to claim to be an expert on sex if those are your circumstances.
Tell me you and your husband are having bad sex without telling me you and your husband are having bad sex, Bethany 😅.
I appreciate your inclusive language and also how casually you mentioned kink without making it seem gross or like it shouldn't be acknowledged! Absolutely fantastic!
As a trans man who hasn't had bottom surgery, I *really* appreciate your language choice. Thank you.
haven't watched one of your videos in a few months, love the updated background!!! can't wait to watch this video :)
I wish Bethy would take this seriously and go to an actual sex therapist. It must be so awful being her, so empty and frustrating and restless. These issues aren't boxes that you tick - there are journeys to be had with self-discovery and self-intimacy, which is very hard to do when you're taught from day dot that your body does not actually belong to you. She must be so unhappy trying to convince herself and everyone else that she's happiest of all. I feel bad for that part of her, but then she goes and tries to make these toxic patterns everyone else's business and that's not cool!
11:15 - Her guest sounds like a 15-year-old who just smoked weed for the 2nd time. It really sounds better, though, when you do it with a Muppet voice. Try Janice. Paradoxically, Muppet voice simultaneously does not sound as ridiculous yet we don't run the risk of a listener mistaking it for wisdom.
POINTING YOUR TOES lol 10 secs in and I'm DEAD
First that’s not sexual compatibility. Telling people that enjoying sex with your partner is a lie , how I grew up , keeps people in the social structure lie . It also ruins marriages . As a woman I lived the first 42 years of my life believing that sex is for men and as a woman you serve , that leads to animosity, depression, and a dark lonely place where you feel better off unalive 😢
im so fucking anxious rn thank you so much for the video so i can focus on something else
As someone who struggles to orgasm during partnered sex (due mostly to gender dysphoria) I hate this advice. The first person do consistently make me orgasm was a virgin when we got together, and his willingness to learn and prioritize my pleasure at times was really important. Some things that helped me:
- Self pleasure. I know what feels good to me, what specific techniques bring me to orgasm, what kind of foreplay and sensation I like, etc. Being able to give clear directions to my partner based on my own experience was really helpful.
- Competent sex ed. I was lucky enough to have very robust sex ed in school, and never felt shame about sex and sexuality. I was given the language to talk about my body and sexual function, and this was really important when communicating with a partner. My partner was not as lucky as me, and never had sex ed in school, but I was able to point him to reputable educators and articles and he took an active interest in learning and asking questions.
- Being “selfish”. I realized that my instinct is to center the other person experience, and devalue my own. I felt that my body was too complicated, that I took too long, etc. I considered sex to be over when my partner was done. Being with someone where I don’t feel that pressure has been key to being able to lean into my own pleasure. Obviously I still want my partner to feel good, but I don’t feel guilty if sometimes we spend the whole time just focusing on me.
- Honesty. This might seem obvious, but for me it wasn’t. I would never explicitly lie or fake orgasms, but I would definitely downplay my own experience. “I didn’t cum, but it was still really good” as an attempt not to hurt partners feelings, “I just don’t really orgasm and enjoy other parts of sex” even though this is true to a certain extent, it was disappointing at times to not orgasm, and this was also just an attempt to make the other person feel better. Being honest about that fact that I did want to orgasm, and cared about my own pleasure, was really valuable and helped my find a partner who also cared about those things.
- No pressure to orgasm. In the past, I’ve been with people who wanted to “prove” their sexual ability, and saw making me orgasm as an accomplishment or proof of their sexual expertise. This just made me feel worst when it wasn’t happening. For me, the goal of sex isn’t to make me orgasm, or making my partner orgasm (at least not every time). Being able to enjoy pleasure without any pressure to “perform” has been really important. Having the space to lean into my own pleasure and not having to worry about orgasming as an indicator of success has actually made it easier to orgasm, and let me have really positive experiences outside of orgasm.
This is just what helped me, but my point is that there is so much that goes into positive sexual experiences, and a lot of that has to do with working was a team with your partner, and valuing yourself as a person. Having accurate sex ed and communicating without shame has been key in my positive experience. It makes me sad see these women think they just need to change their mindset and be more willing, and still treat themselves as helpmates and lesser companions instead of equals with their partner.
Youre so so right. And wanted to add it was also a virgin who helped me orgasm from a partner for the first time. And being with him helped me learn some things to help in his lead up to sex for the first time. Better if all are down to actually listen and learn. And i also have had to let go of expecting him to always orgasm. Have had others sulking over me feeling too rough or tired for anything. Sex has gone from something that was an experience i felt i had to only give in and be used in. To something where its what both of us make of it. And if no body gets anywhere or someone starts feeling tired we just end it and pick up another day lol
Aaaarrrgghh!!!
As a former comparative religions student who specialized in Hebrew scripture, it absolutely drives me up the wall that SO many self-described "bible believing christians" seem to have totally overlooked the *substantial* amount of ancient near eastern erotic poetry & prose contained in Hebrew scripture!! Song of Solomon is the most obvious, but there are actually specific texts which describe- *gasp*- the phenomenon of physical attraction and chemistry!! The stories of Jacob, Rachel & Leah as well as Ruth and Boaz are pretty darned obvious examples of physical attraction...in the case of Jacob and Rachel, he supposedly waited almost 15 years just to marry her, because he was just so into her. The idea of sex being solely an act enjoyed only by men and reserved solely for procreation is a much later Christian innovation which ignores the original intent of the authors of Hebrew scripture. Additionally, there is ancient Jewish theology which warns husbands to sexually satisfy their wives, and considers it a marital obligation.
Just to be clear, I don't, can't and won't even try to argue that Hebrew scripture is some amazing ancient feminist text; it's chock full of blatant misogyny and sexism. That said, however, I also find myself utterly stunned that people who claim to base their entire lives and worldviews around the bible can apparently be so remarkably naive, squeamish, immature and downright ignorant when it comes to the concept of women being portrayed as sexual beings in scripture! (Of course, I've literally seen fundie literature which depicts Esther- who has traditionally been viewed as a courageous hero and by Jews for millennia- as a shameless slutty harlot who sacrificed her virtue. And I've seen similar fundie interpretations of the story of Tamar, who has likewise been viewed as a brilliant, innovative, strategic icon...but the fundie literature I've seen portrays her as a shameless slutty cautionary tale. It blows my mind!)
But then, I have to remind myself that they also choose to disregard the fact that Moses specifically permitted intermarriage between "tribes," divorce without stigma, (as do modern Jews) and the prohibition upon human sacrifice, soooo... 😞😒
I feel most fundie Christians would have a stroke over the idea that they could still learn anything from Judaism, especially since a lot of them seem to like the Old Testament only for clobber quotes.
@@mst3kharris Unfortunately, I tend to agree. Their attitude towards Jews seems to range from condescending/patronizing infantilization, all the way to overt hostility. All pretty much based in absolute ignorance about darned near anything to do with either Judaism or Jewish people. I've even gotten the very distinct impression from some fundies that they honestly don't realize that Judaism is still a vibrant, diverse and very much living culture and ethnicity...they seem to genuinely think that Jews are an extinct, historic analogy which existed solely for the purpose of Christianity.
Heck- I had a fundie high school teacher who told me without a trace of irony that I was "unbelievably offensive and ignorant" when I was overheard saying that Jesus was a Jew and that "Bethlehem" was an English adaptation of a Hebrew word! I kid you not!
I wonder if anyone’s done work paralleling the ways in which both Indigenous and Jewish cultures get othered and treated as noble but dead or dying.
@@mst3kharris If there hasn't been serious academic work done on the topic, there should be!! Because the level of othering that such folks experience at the hands (and in the minds) of even non-fundy Christians is truly jaw-droppingly immense, and incredibly bizarre and hurtful.
It sucks to be spoken of as a historical metaphor and/or an exotic anachronism rather than a living human being who comes from a very much alive, vibrant & diverse culture.
(Although it is kinda fun to tell fundies about how the majority of Jews in Israel are of African heritage! 😅)
@@mst3kharris Oh, and I also get a rather perverse pleasure out of saying how Israel's national health service provides abortion (and contraception) as a basic part of reproductive health...because NOT being permitted the option of preventing and/or terminating dangerous pregnancies has basically always been considered murder in Judaism. And providing abortion for women dealing with hazardous pregnancies and contraception for women who don't want to get pregnant is considered a literal religious and moral obligation.
I get the distinct sense that they honestly think of Israel as being a theocracy governed by "old testament" law, as opposed to being a remarkably diverse neo-socialist nation akin to western Europe.
Talking about Jesus needing a body to be sacrificed in a conversation about sex. Umm okay then! 😂
It’s funny how in fundamentalist circles the flesh is bad and sinful, but then they turn around and say sex is great guys! Lol
everything beth comes out with says to me that she and her husband are having really bad sex and prayer isnt helping. when she was single, she spread this idea that once you are married, god will fulfill all your sexual desires. Now that she has had sex, and it kinda sucks, shes trying desperately to justify waiting until marriage. she knows she made a mistake and can't undo it without losing her following. and her marriage/sex life must be super bad for every post she makes to be about it. she cant even stop herself from coming out with these videos. i dont think her sister has posted about her sex life like beth has.
It's very clear from watching Girl Defined content that Bethany has NEVER been physically attracted to her husband. She's literally done videos about coming around to the idea of his appearance and crucially his height. She's literally pinned a post on her Instagram (one of many) where she justifies the height difference she's so clearly dissatisfied with. When someone is so deep in shame and dissatisfaction, it's so common to see them preach the virtues of their situation.
Maybe the real orgasm is the friends we made along the way
Don’t fake an orgasm - just make your body imitate the signals of orgasm. I’m sorry - how, exactly, do you imagine that is any different? 😂
The idea of the man not giving you the orgasm makes me think of how some fundies actually think about their spouses, which is that they are effectively objects. And not even in a “damn he’s hot” way. But in a “briefcase full of money and a dildo” way. These people are married to their idea of Jesus and their spouses might as well be handbags, they’re accessories. Not saying all, or Bethy and Dave specifically, just some of them.
I wouldn't want to marry a person prior to having sex. Attraction, chemestry, etc. Is important and i wouldn't want to end up with a person who i have to force myself to have sex with because I'm not sexually compatible with them... Forever. What's the point. But, fr, i don't if Bethany knows what sex is.
Also, i am Pansexual. The physical doesn't mean as much as the content of their character to me, however Bethany is straight. Is she juat doing this because a translation of a book?
I always get so sad that these people have this kind of misunderstanding, and then spread it to others.
Also, I'd just like to thank you for encouraging me to look into having therapy like, years ago. I've been in therapy for 6 months, and will have an adhd assesment in a few weeks after being on a waiting list for a bit. So, thank you! :D
Another aside, I really like your top/dress, I love fruit prints! :)
the hypocracy and cognitive dissonance is STROOONG.
While I can definitely laugh along now with the whole "bodies matter," it reminds me of something that helped me get by when I was growing up in my fundie-family, since there was a lot of gaslighting. I had to consciously remind myself that 1) I had a body and 2) bodies feel pain / pleasure and 3) it's okay to acknowledge that pain or pleasure instead of just ignoring it to get by.
I have to wonder in that case how Bethy is doing...
Oh, jeez. I feel ya mate!! 😵
Can't believe looking back that my parents somehow thought having a daughter passing out with pain every period was an okay thing to just let keep happening...? With no pain meds either of course 😱 And that was with loving, not-intentially-abusive parents...
Can only imagine how many other endometriosis or PCOS sufferers are out there in their world, having no idea & just going through absolute hell... and with even less support, probably 😭
The contrast between Bethy and Mickey’s faces during the “your BODY matters” clip is killing me!!
That whole segment was so gaslighty
Your hair looks so good on you!
You’re sweet for saying your criticism isn’t for “regular” Christianity but growing up Christian and now having deconstructed I feel like the Christian bible and Christianity at it’s core encourages very harmful ideas, unhealthy attachment issues, unhealthy view of love and sexuality and so on
But it’s just my feeling again, so idk
I think one factor that is chronically left out of the conversation is that the scripture was written in a social context that's wildly different to the modern world. I think it does beg the question of what rules would not be there had the events happened today.
There absolutely is a way to modernise the core teachings and live a healthy, constructive life where you can be a safe person for others.
Re: the point that bodies matter…yes, it absolutely does have to be explicitly said to evangelical women because they are raised to see their body as a danger and a tool, but not important or valuable. And it’s actually really encouraging to me, as someone who grew up in that world, to hear at least one person finding a religious argument to undercut their bad take on bodies (not that I’m religious now, but I know they are unlikely to listen and believe to that very important point without a doctrinal argument). It is very, very needed. And I don’t think the woman was saying that she just realized bodies matter, but that she finally found an argument for that will hold weight in their world.
I hate how she thinks sexual compatibility and good communication are mutually exclusive.
And also how they think everyone (or at least every christian women) requires the same exact things to orgasm and feel fulfilled.