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Romantic Manipulation: How Narcissistic Parents Set You Up for Hurt
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I wish this kind of analysis existed a long time ago. Emotional intelligence should be taught in schools and what trauma does to people on various levels of their lives. It not only affects interpersonal relationships but business and career success, finances, mental equilibrium. I haven't found a site or source that articulates it as well as you do. I am more spiritually inclined about these matters but it's good to see how the psychological affects of abuse have patterns and how they materialise in the same way for different individuals.
Yes, we all should have learned stuff like this beginning in grade school.
Mental health & coping skills should be in grade school. Along with the trauma of bullying, bc these kids that get bullied come back & shoot the school up. Coping skills early in life make better humans.
Yes. Having the language to identify just what exactly is going on.
Yes!! This should be a class taught in junior high, if not high school. I had no idea that I had the right to choose partners and friends for myself, until 5 years into my second marriage...to someone I had wanted to break up with! But, my parents thought he'd make a good partner, so I did as they said. That obviously ended in divorce.
I had no idea I was the family black sheep until I was 38! I had no concept of narcissism or how to handle growing up with one as a parent. I didn't realize my mother was a narcissist until I read "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" at age 40-41.
I'm 53 now and finally, those 'last puzzle pieces' are falling into place. My narcissistic mother destroyed my life.
Yes, I'm young enough to 'start over' but I really have no desire to anymore. I want to heal, but I would rather be alone than in any more relationships, as I don't even trust myself to see thousands of red flags waving in my face. Also, I just don't want to. It's not worth all the hassle that goes with it.
❤🎉yessss I relate
I think online dating is not the best choice for someone with cptsd. The unavailable people, casual culture etc. I've felt much better since deleting the apps and think meeting someone in real life is more healthy for us.
I totally agree
Yes, just it's hard during pandemic lol
@@niebieskimotyl3308 what pandemic. Lol
Agreed! I realized this the hard way.
I agree. I actually just signed up for a matchmaking agency. Not a guarantee of anything but at least the people there are looking for something serious (you need to pay a substantial fee that I'm pretty sure discourages the players and unavailable who can get their pay off for free).
Just a note, I've been healing my cpstd for 14 years now so I'm not jumping into dating naively.
Remember: Trauma shows up as Chemistry in romantic relationships.
What does that mean?
@@mariapadula5017 you'll get attracted intensely to someone who you will repeat an unhealed pattern with
@@thatsnotmyname2798 thank you
Does that mean that if I heal the trauma I will stop getting attracted to wrong personalities ? 🤔😮
@@kathy8032 yes ☺️ I used to be attracted to a bit troubled, sad, closed off people who needed help. Now after healing, I'm attracted to happy, comfortable and responsive people
UGH,
Almost 50 years here and just finally learning about this 😔
No good relationship, no children or family.. all alone.
young people have no idea how lucky they are to have access to these videos these days.
Same here, I feel you. Just trying to learn and heal. Thank you Anna!
💗🙏
I hear you . I'm in my sixties and only got access to this kind of information recently. I'm making the most of the time I have left and learning to be kinder to myself.
@@shweefranglais7900 😔 💖
@@staceyg9959 💖
When you have a malignant abusive father and your mother defends and protects him telling you you are a bad child.
100% same here.
For your inner child: you are not a bad child, you just want to be loved and that's completely normal. You deserve to be loved and respected and whoever tells you the contrary, especially a parent, is definitely not someone you should listen to.
Horrid.
YES
Yes, I had the very same experience.
He bread crumbed her to get in her pants. These vampires can smell the wounds and will take advantage. I can't believe people like this exist. Love and healing miracles to Sylvia ❤️
Predators.
You can focus on their dysfunction but I would focus on healing myself so I don't attract those sorts of predators. We leave ourselves open to abuse if we're not healed or aware of our vulnerabilities.
I agree x a million!!
@@rosemallia5252 it's about awareness that blood sucking predators actually exist. There are people who see a good heart and know how to act like they need that. These are lessons learned. Healing.
Ana, you are exactly right. These men like a predator seek out the vulnerabilities and wounded hearts and pounce. They are disgusting low-lifes! Sadly there are many of them out there and they are excessively found on dating sites. Be careful ladies!!!!
"LOSE YOUR SHAME ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE!" -- one more time for some of us in the "back of the classroom" tehe (Love it!)
YEAH!! ✨💖✨💯
I isolated myself for SO long because I was scared. I didn't feel like I had the tools to deal with people again. I've been on a healing journey for three years now, and I remember back in 2020 when I was adament that I just wasn't meant to exist. I felt too sensitive for this world and felt so raw, if I ran into a toxic person again I'd have lost it. I worked on myself for 2 and a half years and developed those tools to deal with people. Quarantine really helped. I went into the last semester of my Phd program saying I didn't want to talk to anybody. I was so done and intolerant of bullshit at that point. Someone really great came into my life that semester and that was when I realized that you can read all the books, go to therapy, etc but the only way to really heal is to be able to use those tools in actual relationships. Like you said, we have to be able to practice.
Good for you!
Ashley@TeamFairy
"I was adament that I just wasn't meant to exist. I felt too sensitive for this world and felt so raw."
I feel this so hard. I've actually said things like this to my friends. I've even said things like 'I feel so exposed as if my heart, the most valuable, sensitive part of me were just open and that anyone could come along and, for a fleeting moment of satisfaction or the slightest ego boost or even just for the lolz, completely crush it."
I can feel some healing beginning to take place and I find myself a little better at using the tools I've learned within friendships with other people. I can't wait for the day when I truly trust in my ability to keep myself and my heart safe from allowing myself to be heartbroken by people who aren't worth it.
Similar here! Hope your love is flowing positively. 💟🦔
Thank you ❤
Yes. I wish you well on your continuing journey 🙏🏽.
"If he cared about you and loved you, he would never ever do this to you ..."
And that right there is the central problem for us who survived CPTSD. It's so hard to believe that we can find, let alone feel we deserve, that kind of love. Anna, this is why I watch your channel. Your videos help to reinforce that I am worthy of that kind of love and respect.
We're flying blind. We have no idea what love is because (1) we never saw it growing up, unless from a friend's parents and (2) we were PROGRAMMED to believe (sometimes at the threat of our very lives) that love IS abuse and abuse IS love...getting beaten was "for your own good," and "you're too young to know what you want in life," and "you WILL stop loving X and START loving Y or else."
Love was a scrambled up mess. So that's what we expect.
Thank you for the videos. To be honest, sometimes I may skip around a video because I’m not ready to hear what you are saying but I’ll come back to it once I give it sometime.
I totally understand!
Im the same, some videos I feel are to painful to watch and are sometimes triggers for old memories so I come back when I feel ready
Yes, me too. I love most of them and identify. But a couple of videos, magical thinking & procrastination made me squirm. Both are the issues I'm tackling atm with practicality which I struggle with.
🙋🏽♀️Same here...
I have the same issue.
Are people like this guy actually "few and far between?" I feel like there are a lot of people like this out there, at least from my trauma-brain's perspective
They would spot me in the crowd, I got literally chased by strangers, "bully" kind of people 😑 But not anymore, since I noticed there's their way to comfort themselves. I don't comply anymore so I'm not the target anymore
@@niebieskimotyl3308 ditto! I can now recognize and repel shitbirds
They’re everywhere
There are a lot of them but SOME are super good at convincing the WORLD that’s not who they are
I think that's what they want you to think. That their behaviour is totally normal and that all the happy people around you are just not bothered by this kind of behaviour in relationships. It's part of their manipulation.
I had Limerance for 15 years . Basically my childbearing years I thought he'd come back. I wasted my life before I knew about this stuff. I was physically abused and emotionally abused before I even knew I was abused at all.
Self boundaries are so important! The inner chemistry 'rush' can do a number if you're not rational and logical
Absolutely, I totally agree with you
I'm a 26 years old straight man and I relate well to this, I also have a grandiose narcissist, immature and a very religious father, who was instrumental in hindering what could've been a healthy ability to detect problematic people and dysfunctional partners. Watching your videos is always a reminder and an enlightening on what narcissism, among other diagnoses in families, can cause to children, it's explained a lot about myself. Thank you.
Very similar situation here brother, except my mother was the religious one. Fire and brimstone. I’m going to find happiness despite all of it, I hope you are able to do the same
@@stephenallen3274 not to compete for victimhood, the religiosity was strong in both parents here, hehe. As long as I make progress in different life areas and that the dysfunction doesn't occur again is where all this stuff can be left behind, and when I can find meaning and happiness.
@@stephenallen3274 Yep same. For our own health we can't shape our present & future based on somebody else's beliefs no matter how deep they got into our heads. ✌🏽
I wish you Peace and Non-Judgment. 🙏🏼🕊😘❤️
@@christinalw19 thanks :) peace (of mind) is quite underrated!
I realize that I see the red flag I can feel it in my body but I dismiss it so quickly that I even forget about it and I then have an amplified focus on only the things that make me feel good. Recognizing this in myself a step to healing.
Yes, similar to me, I don't validate my feelings
My adhd causes this. I feel the emotions in a moment, I tell myself this ain't right, then BAM I get sidetracked and the bad emotions are replaced with my next thought process. I still know, but it's not as bad as it should be. It's not just with spouses though, coworkers, friends, family.
I had a good cry about this the other day. My childhood really mess me up but I'm healing💎
Good cries are the best.
Same ✌🏽
Same I’m fucked because of my family
Why is there shame in admitting what you want? That statement is a 💡 for me.
Limerance sounds like an illusion constructed by our own imagination that is built on hopes and dreams! Almost like a Cinderella love story! Now do we really think that television hasn't affected us?
Amen. I'm a lesbian, easier for me not to buy into that particular BS. But I got into limerence anyway. 🤦♀️
Every part of my character and physical person have been attacked on some level growing up. I just don't believe it when I hear that I'll find someone. All my attempts have gone horribly wrong.. and people just don't seem to like me. I'm scared that I will never find the connection(s) I want.. but I keep on watching your videos in hopes that I can change my attitude. Thank you Anna!
You need to heal yourself or get help from counsellors before connecting with others otherwise more pain. Good luck.
@@gill426 Thank you so much for your comment. I really appreciate it!! You are completely right on the animals! I have 5 wonderful fur babies - a rescue dog who had trauma as severe as mine and 4 awesome cats. They indeed help me get through the day. My dog, who I adopted first, helped me realize how important connection is for healing. His PTSD was horrible and now he's a lot more calm and able to be present. This is from the bonding I've done with him. I'm glad I can at least handle relationships with pets... it just seems to be people I'm not so lucky with haha! I already have a counselor, as the previous comment suggested. I've had way more devious ones than helpful ones, though I really enjoy the woman I see now. We're working on boundaries. I've taken a couple of art classes, gone to water aerobics, sat down to have a drink alone. I've made attempts to meet people this year, but still haven't had anyone take my bait, so to speak. The people who do communicate with me seem to make me feel lonelier than if I hadn't met them at all. I must either have a BIG cloud above my head, or be very attracted to the wrong people. I haven't learnt how to steer my ship another direction yet. That's why I'm on this channel :) I'm hopeful though.
Not all counsellor's work in our best interests. I had one who just wanted to ask about my life in Australia as it sounded exciting when I REALLY needed help to overcome CPTSD and I was paying her by the hour 😡. Exercise, healthy diet, no drugs, sleep, dogs/animals, nature, hobbies and beach walking helps my heal and meet nice people. 🤗
@@Kartella_ I've found that 12-step groups can lead to very honest friendships. If any of them sound right for yu, I highly recommend them, as does Anna!
@@rosemallia5252 HelloRose
"I used to underestimate how much we need other people to be able to change our thinking. It was relationships with other people where the injuries happened and it's in relationship with other people where we're going to practice our new strengths and our new boundaries and be able to have a new kind of relationship." That was very profound for me at this time in my stage of healing. I grew up with narcissistic parents but my father treated me well much to the jealousy of my mother. I grew up fishing, hunting, playing baseball with my dad, being his warm up catcher at home and during his ball games. I went hiking a lot with my dad and his friends and their sons. My dad treated me with respect & kindness. Whereas my mother actually stole from me and lied to me, was cruel with her words and punishing in her behaviors. I felt my dad cherished me but all my mother could do was criticize and punish for things I didn't even do. I've since found out she was projecting her pains into my life. She used me and still does use me as the family scapegoat. When I was 16 Dad finally had enough and divorced my mother. Of course she partially blamed me for that too. I ended up marrying men who treated me like my mother. Dad wasn't a saint but he was never cruel like my mother. All that said 2021 is the year I turned 60 & I finally saw clearly the need to cut my mother out of my life & I cut her off completely. It's been nearly a year & the relief is wonderful. It amazes me to think that it took that long but it did. I have two very close friends. One who's been my friend for almost 40 years the other of them being my husband who sees me unlike my previous two former spouses who were abusive and narcissistic. My husband and I moved to a lovely area and have been making friends and using my new boundaries I've been able to begin nurturing a few new friendships. At the same time I have been able to see clearly those who would cause me harm. I've never given up on relationships as a whole but seeing as trust is hard-earned from me, and the fact that I really don't like people as a whole makes establishing relationships a challenge. But that statement you made in quotes above really resonated and I see that as I've been healing I have been more open to new friendships and it felt good to hear those words and then to feel in my heart that I haven't completely cut myself off from the world. So I share this to those who are struggling. I don't know if my words would empower or help anybody in their healing but I thank you, Anna & Sylvia the author of this letter, and all those with the courage to write in, to all those with the strength and desire to heal and find real love. My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We dated two years before marriage. I'm 60 years old and I'm finally with a man who sees me, cherishes me, and treats me with love and respect. Thanks again Anna. I've watched so many of your videos and identify with so many of them and thank God that you crossed my path of life. Blessings.
"Yes! Shut that shit down!" Never go backwards. Keep moving forward. Once someone's hurt you like this you don't give them opportunity to hurt you one more time. Yes don't jump to conclusions. Be a lone wolf and observe people. Say less; watch more.
Damaged perceptions from childhood makes it hard to use that same gaslit brain to make good choices with men in the future.
Why SO MANY men are trying to take an advantage of the damaged women like us?
It’s disgusting!
@@nataliabogdanova2816 They are damaged too, by the same things that damaged us. That is just their response to their own trauma.
My father is narcissistic but I didn’t know this until I was 46 after being with a narcissistic partner, all of his traits and behaviours were exactly like my father, lying, controlling and abusive. It was the hardest experience to get over. Now I see my dad for what he is, I see all of the behaviours I didn’t understand as a child and I now know it was all a lie, why I was always confused and untrusting , my gut would tell me my father was lying but he would always talk his way out of it, and I obviously had no choice but to stay because I was a child. I felt that way in the toxic relationship too, eventually I couldn’t live that life over again, I left. Now I see it, it cannot be unseen. Even though it is heartbreaking at 1st to become aware if it, it will protect you in the future.
That’s such a good way to describe it! And another reason I think it can be so hard to take the healing journey because having your eyes opened is so painful and heartbreaking. But like you said, only at first. I can’t be grateful enough for Knowing how to recognize what’s real now
I have come quite a long way..but 15 years ago while dating my childs father he told me "its easy to lie to you" and i have never forgotten that.
I found your channel a few months ago, and I wish this would have been around when I was in my early 20’s before I had kids. All my life it was either accept crap or be alone. I’ve never been presented any other options, so me choosing the wrong partner’s isn’t accurate. I was taught that men have the upper hand in relationships, and they do the choosing, and women must take whoever will pick them. Well I’ve learned to walk away from anything contrary to my own personal values. It’s very lonely once you finally have standards, and only toxic people are drawn to you. I’ll have to go through some more of your videos to find out why I’m a narcissist magnet and a normal repellent. Thanks for all that you do for us hopeless romantics ❤️
This!!
Thank you Diva
Anna, awesome video. As I watched it I wish I had known these things in my twenties and thirties. I was not taught about boundaries and because I was the family scapegoat I had no self-esteem. So, I was willing to accept crumbs most of my life. Thank you for the good work and great advice! Now that I'm getting a bit elderly, I realize I no longer want to accept crumbs but to be valued instead. 👍👍👍💯
Same, I'm 51 now and single and see that as OK. I still like watching these videos though, because of my relationship with myself. My mother was always reasonably pleasant so long as I didn't threaten her perception of herself. Establishing a boundary used to infuriate her. A few times she hurt me and I told her and that infuriated her too. So I was confused. I had a ''pleasant'' mother but I'd been raised to have no boundaries and raised to believe that if my care giver hurt me it was wrong and bad of me to recognise that. Plot twist - not, I ended up with an outwardly perfect but abusive man.
@@SusanaXpeace2u Are you still with him? It takes a long time to move on I know, I’m doing it now after 23 years. Stood out for me: “don’t try to get closure; you’re halfway there now.” No one told us these truths. Your pleasant mom, who couldn’t handle challenges to her perception, same. No wonder to me now I got foggy to avoid getting pushed out of the nest and I started to agree with the perception not to challenge abusive to me behavior. She was raised exactly the same way, to fit in to the system.
My dad told me I was ugly and that no one would ever love me.
To this day, even though I’ve been married for 11 years and with my husband for 16 years, I still believe him
Hello Elizabeth,how’re you doing today
Awww my dear! What a pain this must be! I feel for you. Big hugs to you
You proved him wrong.
The thing we can’t see is “reading between the lines.” Most communication is “between the lines.” Figuring out relationships is a chess game.
I’m tired of having the identity of victim. My mom was terrible and my siblings were terrible and are still terrible. My entire family is still terrible. And as a result I had a series of terrible jobs where I often walked out after failing, and terrible romances where I was mistreated. And I never understood how others even had successful careers or relationships. I finally met a man who didn’t leave me, but I never felt like I had any power in the relationship, and even though he loves me, he often treats me like I can’t be trusted to do anything correctly. Or even be trusted to behave like a real adult with responsibilities. And maybe he’s right. I feel like I’m going to live in this damaged psyche forever and I’m tired of it. I’m so so so so tired of it. I’m ready to finally go total no contact with my entire family, but I’m not sure how to heal from the decades of abuse and mind eff. I want to reprogram my brain from all of the negativity that is my inner voice now.
Hope you cut contact with all of your family members who are horrible. Good luck with healing 🤞🏻
One thing that you said that stuck with me from previous videos is " It's not who you attract but who you settle for" So now I just consciously observe everything, Myself, my behavior around certain someone, their behavior, what they are showing and saying and I keep a hold on descision making and delay concluding anything, That gives me enough time to join all the dots and make decisions not based on emotions but understanding.
I do get super attracted to unavailable or distant or emotional doormats sometimes too, But I don't settle for that, I want to be respected and I respect others, I don't let people walk all over me just bcz I learned to be a doormat in past and I don't walk all over others just because they are in that position and are willing to let me do that just to have a connection.
I feel sorry for anyone (including myself) who feel a need to shrink themselves and to put themselves down to please others to get the basics needs met such as acceptance and love from people in their lives.
Just remember- not to do anything that hampers your progress and drags you back.
We'll be fine and healed soon.
Lot's of love to everyone here. I'm thankful to you all for being here, for healing yourself and making the world a better place by doing that and for sharing your experiences.
And Thank you so much Aunty Anna!
Your help means a lot!
"When it all blows up in your face, it finally becomes possible to start facing the damage of the past"
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I knew a college professor who told me he had an open marriage and his wife was having affairs too! Stay away from those guys
I've come to the conclusion that I was basically raised in a sociopathic environment. The broader culture of my suburb was sociopathic, and my parents were more or less emotionally illiterate, and had fallen hook line and sinker for the elitist attitudes of the upper middle class American suburbs, and there was a tremendous sense of entitlement in my household, with no respect for emotion and a tunnel vision towards making every aspect of life about work and making more money. I was the only person in the house who was more or less wired normally emotionally (even though I've identified as an INFP for some time now). It's taken me so long to realize that maybe I was not actually 'overly emotional' as a child, but rather I was raised in a callous and emotionally abusive environment with very destructive cultural attitudes. I am beginning to realize that there probably was less wrong with me than I have been putting on myself. For most of my adult life so far, I have struggled to feel like I can live up to these high standards set by my family, but as time goes on, I am learning that I can just feel comfortable being a normal person with normal-sized life goals, and feel comfortable with myself when I take on normal levels of responsibility without feeling like I am a failure just for wanting to not make more than $100k a year (according to my parents anything less than $250k a year is failure).
Hi Bill, I'm an INFP too. Just from my experience of being one I'd say that we are actually very emotional but have trouble admitting it to ourselves (eg because we might see how it conflicts with logic or know that it's not safe to admit). I've found that my emotions are inwardly based though and come out through art, music or journalling- not usually in conversation.
God bless you for not falling into the materialism trap- the love of money is the root of all evil and leads to pride. It's better to be humble and make a difference to people around you versus being a rich jerk
I feel sorry for his wife.
My mother was not a bad person, but she suffered trauma herself I believe. She was not emotionally supportive much less available but I think there are more things that play into the dynamic than just parents. I hope the healing process includes forgiveness. My Mother was my world and even though she could not love me unconditionally, I gave her that love anyway. Before she died she mended my broken heart and asked me to forgive her for not being a good mother to me. She said she was proud that I was doing a better job raising my girls than she did with me. I miss her every day, and will until I see her again❤️
these videos are sooooo good, I recognize how traumatized I was, and never taught anything by my parents, other than tying my shoes and wiping my backside. So now, I am super aware of red flags in people and find most people don't pass the muster, even to be just friends. Happily single in life.....the most stable I have ever been in my life
I find I am better alone as well as many folks have far too many red flags.
It’s funny I was actually thinking about this today. You said you know someone’s marriage is over because they are not married but I have been in relationship with men that have been recently divorced and it seems like they are still clinging on the other side like the energy is still put in the toxic relationship. So I even advice women to be cautious of men that are recently divorced even living by themselves. They need time to heal.
I found this very helpful. I can see now how my perceptions were so distorted as a younger woman due to a childhood that was “crappy”. At 65, I am finally learning to heal the trauma and discover what healthy love looks like.
So glad you're here! Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Former Queen of Crap Fitting here🙋🏻♀️!!
Happy Valentines Anna💗💗💗💗💗thank you for all you do💓💓
You too!!
Hello. I'm just dropping in to thank you. You are one of the channels that helped me find my way out of toxic relationships with narcissistic personalities (and those like them). Thank you for the work you do. You save/positively change people's lives. You also helped me discover and rectify narcissistic traits within my Self. Thank you, from the depths of my heart. Namaste. 💚
Thank you so much!
Same here.. thanks for being so open about it! (I know it’s not easy..) That’s relieving to read 🙌🏻
I had a narcissist as guardian after my grandma died. Im the opposite side of the spectrum in that my red flag radar goes off on everyone except my husband.. My husband says I'm always looking for ways people are going to screw me over. Can that be CPTSD? It is probably because of my narcissist's profound betrayal. Neglect and all sorts of abuse. To top it all off, throwing my dying grandpa in a nursing home and stealing my childhood home and inheritance out from under me. I don't trust anyone :/
I live in an apt building for those over 55 yrs old-34 singles
My last apt was 83singes over 55 yrs old-
There are many senior adults who want to be single. Sometimes I fantasize about marrying again but I always go back to- I had a cruel abusive neglectful childhood and. I have never had a relationship with a man where I was loved safe and secure- all were takers. Mostly my.miney leavi g me in poverty in my old age even though I had good financial planning and a 30 yr old career
Yes, trained to care for others instead of myself. When i fell down exhausted, was put into mental ward by mother. She did same with my brother. He was so isolated by my mother because i was too weak to stand up to her & spend time with him. She dominated & drove me mad with her constant demands. My brother died on mother's day, when he was 32. He had enough of so called love. The only time he had company was when he was in hospital. i know for a fact that no one is mentally ill. it is loneliness & parental abandonment & betrayal in every way which causes people to flip out.
Wow. I hope you are in the USA now, where we are still free to heal.
A good question to ask is ''do your children know you're divorced?''. If they fudge that.......... beware.
Do these roaches ever pay for their evils?
Nope. And they do it over and over.
I feel like I’ve been easily deceived because I was raised by such overprotective parents. They never let me do anything, they never gave me the benefit of the doubt and they never gave me a chance to prove myself. I was spoiled And never learned boundaries. The world was all rainbows and butterflies and now, as a result, I’m a very lost 34 year old woman with 2 kids and 2 failed marriages. I’ve dated narcissists my entire life and I’m now in a deep depression because I’m so alone And feel so clueless. Do you have any videos about the videos about the effects of controlling, overprotective and/or helicopter parents?
it is better to be alone, than to wish you were alone
work on being your own best friend.
I needed this video today. I am healing from a fake relationship with my brother. It scared me so badly and was deeply traumatizing. Thank God I have come out of that survival mode and finally admitted that he was not safe for me. I finally feel close to my fiance' and myself in a way I have not experienced in years.
I believe love & relationship skills are separate. A person can love or feel connected to you on various levels, yet their relationship skills can be abusive.
They are unable to treat themselves better, though they love themselves, and that’s why they treat others as bad as they treat themselves.
It's strange how we replay the relationships of our childhood out again as adults . As you say , we were seeking unattainable love from a narcissistic then and still doing the same thing now . But the kid in us struggles to understand till the adult we've become works it all out and institutes changes . Until that happens we're stuck , just when we need some love the most .
This... wish I had known when I was younger 😔
Same phenomena applies to workplaces.. you easily get deceived by people advantaging off of you.
You also feel like you need to beg or plead for them to hear you out or treat you fairly. Any personal dignity and honour is blatantly dismissed.
This makes so much sense! I can’t believe how many times I’ve been lied to by people I thot I could trust. I constantly ask myself why am I unable to recognize liars. Now I kno where my senseless need to believe comes from. My traumas have now created boundaries that conflict with the intimacy I wish I could share in my relationships but I hold back so that I dont have to trust or disappointed myself time n time again. Thank u
I shut down and isolated for 10 years. Don't do that. Work the programs, you're doing great. Once you learn to take things super, super slow, so you can see, recognize, and respond appropriately to the red flags, (🛑✋), well that's what it's all about in my book. Now I don't have to isolate, and I can keep control of my emotions, cuz I don't get physically involved yet. Good luck and Godspeed. Peace from Tulsa.🐎🐄🤠
When a person breaks up with someone, then sees that person on the sly (they don’t tell their therapist, friends, etc) this is the same as an alcoholic saying he /she doesn’t drink anymore yet hides bottle everywhere.
“It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault! “ Goodwill Hunting
So true!! Don't keep in contact with ex's!!
Hi Rebecca
My mom used to tell me “ no man would ever love me.” I know that effects how I have approached previous relationships. I can relate to the girl here, my pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable men was continuous until I came into Codependency recovery.
Never fall in love with a coworker.
We are so trained in society that if it feels Really Intense, if We Can’t Let Go, even if there is nothing there for us, then That Is What Love Is. Specifically, Unrequited Love. But what if that horrible compulsive icky feeling of ‘Loving’ the wrong person isn’t love at all, it’s Limerance.
Thank you, Anna, for shining a light on the mistakes and broken ideas. We can recover and make different choices.
Hello Denise , how’re you doing today
"YOU LEARN TO CRAPFIT OR YOU DONT EAT" 😮 wishing as always I could send these back to my 21 yo self
I love it, ‘if the marriage is over they are divorced and living in separate residences. ‘My husband was separated for 3 years when we met, living in a separate house. He had filed for divorce a year earlier, gone through arbitration, but she wouldn’t sign the papers. Even though she had a boyfriend. After six months of our dating she signed the papers and the divorce was official. I say all this because I would never do this again. We still have issues relating to his not having time to grieve his first marriage. He took things out on me and fell into a long depression. If I had better self esteem I would have said call me when you are out and have processed your divorce.
Thanks For Sharing Your Journey. It Helps To Hear Someone Say: "My Brain Stops Working Around Certain Types Of People" A Painful Shameful Secret Of Mine. That I Have Just Begun Observing In Myself.
Hi Anna...sometimes just the titles of your videos get to me😶...and its days or weeks before I have the courage to actually watch them...because I know where they're going to take me...which is ultimately healing and awareness...but i have to be ready.
Thank you for your continued dedication to our enlightenment and growth. You have made such a loving and positive mark on humanity. 💞
I love how you say the rest of closure is never seeing them again💯👏🏽 Thank God for that!
It's the neglect. It's like children are too much of a bother to them or something. Then like...why did u even HAVE them, if u don't care about them or what they do just as long as they stay outta your hair...and the stuff they tell you as well..it sticks with you all your life. "Well children don't come with user manuals" like I get that, but there's some common sense that comes with it too.
Basically making them feel like their feelings don't matter, you're a minor, you have no rights...is like saying YOU don't matter. Then at age 18 poof, all of a sudden NOW you matter! Now you have rights, all these feelings of MATTERING just magically appear once the clock strikes midnight at age 18. Only now you're not a minor, you're an adult but...YOU take care of ur issues now. Bc they can't still be bothered..😕
@@Sarablueunicorn yea, then they look at u weird when u don't just function like they think u should. They don't feel there's even anything wrong with them. They think they're normal actually. This is why they won't seek help bc it makes them take accountability. They don't sant to do that. Admit they fd their chikdren up and now they gotta figure out how to fix it and pay for it. If it can even be fixed. It's pretty cruel if u think about it 😕
They always like slamming doors for some reason
Anna, you have no idea how much you are helping not only me, but a lot of people. These videos are life savers
"What's happening" is damaging to you.... I think you mean "what HE DID " is damaging to EVERYONE
Exactly! Abuser should be named as such!
Man I’m really started to understand how awful my parents are. Like my c-ptsd runs deep. I’m slowly starting to realize how most of my decisions are based out of fear and loathing. Even tho me and my parents don’t really speak to each other that often, the amount of power they still hold in my head is crazy… i can’t wait till I have enough money saved up so i can completely disconnect and move on with my life. I’m done with my childhood, I need to heal my inner child, and move tf on. I want to be an adult but my head won’t let me in many ways. I can function, but I’m not living. Im just dissociated running through the motions.
How are you doing these days?
I may have this. Definitely lots of narcissists online. I get them from all over. They are sooo charming while collecting the info to control you with. Beware anyone who agrees with everything.
Why do so many married men do this? I've had it happen several times, I have my issues but I don't share men with their wives so I find it easy to resist. But they really give it a good go, even though they have no intention of taking it anywhere serious. I would have a hard time being so cruel to someone but they just do it like it's fun. Now that I have no filter, I would just say something like "and how does your wife feel about you flirting with other women? Shall we ask her?"
I'm the cold and withholding wife of an offending narc. And for the most part the other woman, in an endless list, is my daughter who is completely enmeshed with her aging father. This makes for a very strained relationship between the two of us but great sport for this evil manipulator...need I say more! It takes everything I've got and more with the horrific childhood I had to not react which mind you is my super power! But the principles of recovery far out weigh the evil intent of its personalities. You can divorce everything under the sun but not your adult children even when they do their father's dirty work for him. I can say on volital days like this when that kid in me meets the kid in my daughter it's the battle of the starving children. And as much as I want to force feed her my aging wisdom it doesn't work that way. My words are just clutter she's been trained to ignore over her father's more endowed and holy love. And the borrowed light if not grace it takes to turn the other cheek to give my familiar competition better than what I ever got...
I'd leave them to themselves. Move out if you have to. No one deserves abusive treatment from anyone blood relative or not. She's a grown adult and she doesn't need coddling. If she can't accept the truth so be it. Eventually when they are left to themselves they will have no one to triangulate and turn on each other.
"And you know what? He doesn't even know you. He doesn't even know you. He was having an affair of some projection of whatever he wants. And he was not seeing you the human being. If he cared about you and loved you, he would never ever do this to you and put you through this. You who has been through so much. To put you through this abandonment and to use you basically, he would have never done that. A bad person got in. He's out. He's out now".
I have listened to this section of the video on repeat. It is what any of us with CPTSD who have been through a similar situation need to hear. Similarly dealing with getting over the pain of a situation as this while seeing that person at work - it's exhausting and painful. This section is so important. It's time to come back. It's safe.
I have a question though. What if you are in the same industry as that person? Meaning you are less likely to see them consistently but running into them may possibly happen? I don't want to leave the industry as I worked so hard and truly love it - leaving it because of maybe running into them feels painful to me. At the same time, I am trying to gently notice that the risk of running into them...it's so far less than ideal. Anna, any suggestions?
I went through this a few years ago and thankfully, I am mostly past the pain. My humble two cents: keep reminding yourself of who this person really is. REALLY IS. You have to get angry for yourself and take off the rose colored glasses. Imagine if what was done to you was done to your best friend or sister or some other woman you care about. You’d be angry and ready to fight the bastard that treated her that way. Be angry for yourself! Every time you want to attribute romantic or fantasy feelings to him, counter it with who they really are: a manipulator and user. Stand strong for yourself. You deserve to be where you are and don’t allow someone who took advantage of you scare you away. If you run into them, be professional but see them as the snake they are. Do not allow yourself to be alone with them - not because they may weasel their way back in - but because they are no longer worthy of the honor.
Now i think I have a road map to what I have to detach from all the patters that I don’t want to feel familiar again in a guy.. this one video just open wide open my eyes in such a incredible way wow! Thanks so much for sharing.
I appreciate how clearly, yet compassionately you are able to speak to so many of my issues. Next to my personal counselor, you are one of the most grounding people I learn from. Thank you from very soul.
Hello Becky
This video really summed up so many of my hangups. I remember my mother often telling me," you don't know how to be a friend!". And if I did seem to be able to cultivate a potential pier friendship, she was right away finding something wrong with the girl. Then I foolishly gave up on the connection feeling it was more important to please my mother. Crazy. You are absolutely correct. Piers can help with feedback. That's what I think could have helped me in my early dating. But I never felt like anyone wanted to be my friend. And it always hurt when I would meet someone with potential and he would say , " let's get together again, how bout with your friends?" I would just feel my heart sink. I do think not having enough experience or any friendships can absolutely make it awkward to connect at so many levels. Good lessons to learn but for me too late in life. At least I'm forgiving myself for once. And yes some of the video can be painful, but I'm able to finally listen.
Hello Anne , how’re you doing today
~My mother did that, too, with every friend i had~I never understood that~
Pencil=big clue
I love the emphasis the pencil brings to details.
Pretty sad commentary on the state of society when circling important things as you read- is noteworthy.
For me, i wound up with a brain that's good at sering red flags, and a heart that hopes they are really not that bad and are fixable or tolerable flaws.
Hello Anna! This video has a lot of great advice, but you mentioned that men like Sylvia’s father and coworker are few and far between when they are actually very plentiful. Men using women for sex is extremely common and prevalent. Women: Beware of these predators!
don't tell the guys in the 'manosphere' that. I tried looking at some of those channels to learn and discuss. As soon as they see the female name, they pile on. It's a shame that community is growing. All women are pretty much evil to those guys. They have no concept of the idea of a guy luring you into sex under false pretenses (they don't believe men do that for some reason), but they sure are quick to say that men are easily lured in by women who are after security and money.
the pump n dump types - make em all wait weeks like Steve Harveysays
@@jenrich111 make em wait weeks and then sorry, changed my mind.
I have a habit of attracting and being attracted to guys who don’t really call, text, respond or take the initiative. It always starts the same, he’s attracted to me, flirts with me, drop signs but will never actually make a move, so I do. They initially are open and receptive but eventually they just seem to fade out but I will keep putting the work in. And it’s hard because I want a real relationship but I haven’t had sex in sooooo long that sometimes I just want to get laid. And then the experience is so painfully and triggering that I lose interest in dating and won’t do it. Who knew having parents who should have never have had kids, would jacked you up for life. All I ever wanted since childhood was love and now I’m a grown behind women still looking to be loved. Yes, yes love yourself but it’s different when you have a partner or maybe it’s not as I never really had one. 🤷🏽♀️
Actions DO speak louder than words. And not having sex is so important until getting to know someone. Let them do the work. Healthy is real, genuine, and facing each other so to speak. Your self-worth is the goal in all ways. Rushing in is never a good outcome. Just remember, you can't derive your sense of self from another. All the best x
I know it’s upsetting not to have sex for a long time… believe me I know… but I decided it’s not worth it if it’s not a true safe connection in a committed relationship. And also if you don’t have it for some time, you can just switch your attention to other things, other hobbies etc.. there is even a term - “sublimation” - to transform sexual energy to smth else. So you can train yourself not to depend on it that much. I think to tolerate that is not as bad as another emotional hurt from some crappy connection.
@@nataliabogdanova2816 yes however getting yourself off nicely means you can have orgasms and stress relief and no sick or guy required.
Thank you so much. Better than therapy. Exactly what I needed to hear and so helpful to me. Very similar to my story. I didn’t go after a married man but I was in a relationship with someone who cheated on me and was very neglectful. I saw so many red flags but told myself “he’ll change”. Well what was keeping him from being a better person NOW? I never truly dwelled on that. So hearing you talk about how if the guy’s marriage was over, he would be divorced felt like a bolt of lightning reality check.
Yes! Sometimes we just need to hear it a certain way and BAM!
-Cara@TeamFairy
She should run out of this relationship.
While my mother was my first narcissistic abuser, she did give one piece of usable advice;
"Never dip your pen in company ink." Workplace connections need to be based solely on the job. Failed romances that started at work, well, the drama never ends.
This is a good rule of thumb but...I did meet my husband at work. Took us six years to go on a date though :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am so thankful for everything you share in your videos, with such deep insight and empathy, God bless your heart. You teach me to love myself better, to be aware of those trauma-driven beliefs and their consequences in my life and relationships today. Very powerful. Love from Romania.
Hello Gabriela,how’re you doing today
I can't imagine ANYONE could do well while in a relationship with an addict.
Thank you for these videos. I'm learning and putting together so much that I wasn't understanding about myself. I can't afford therapy so thank you for being my therapist 😭🖤
Have a paradigm shift and look at it from his deceptive side instead of from the side of your heartbreak. Get mad at him for INTENTIONALLY deceiving you JUST to reboot his desire for his marriage and wife because I believe that is exactly what side chicks do - supply them with what they need to stay at home!
I love the sound of the fairy pencil!
Anna you are doing God's work.
a friend of mine and i, both of whom had crappy childhoods, both fell for partners who pulled the ol' bait and switch on us--our partners put themselves out there and put in the effort until they'd bagged us into saying "i do." both of us took our time committing ourselves into those relationships because we'd both been burned before. and, ultimately, we both realized later that we'd both ignored a couple red flags...in my case, my spouse's same-sex parent was absent through constant work travel and then dying young, so they had no idea how to even be in a relationship; my friend never met their partner's abusive narcissistic toxic hateful family until they'd already tied the knot. so i would caution all of us to become well familiar with red flags in all their permutations and forms so's not to get burned yet again. we're worth all the love, joy, and happiness.
good points.. visit their family before the engagement. Gotta keep pumping the breaks.. What shaped them?
Plenty of people with one parent inavailable doesn't make them a bad partner
Men use words for scheming in love , words are just sounds and have no depth, the actions speak louder.
Cut ties!!! This man is bad news. Really horrid having work with someone after having known them in this way. You'll never get any satisfying closure. Good insight, Anna.
Oh boy do I love your videos! I wish I had found you a decade or more sooner. I see all my mistakes now and better yet I see clearly how my horrible childhood with two emotionally unavailable parents programmed me for crap relationships. Now after two failed marriages and escaping a stalker boyfriend that I did not really get close to but when I realized he was an alcholic, womanizer (again! another one!) I ran and he did not accept that. Hence to say, one year free from that stalker creep I still attract plenty of men. but have yet to meet a healthy one or at least one at my much higher standards now. I am so grateful to have learned all of this and am learning so much more from you. I want to say thanks for all you do! God bless you and please keep it up because you are a true Godsend to many of us who have suffered beyond words in the world of dysfunctional relationships. I am now starting your technique of writing fears and resentments...I think I still have much to purge from my wounded heart. Thanks again!!!
You're welcome. Happy to hear you're enjoying the videos. Thank you for being here! - Ashley, Team Fairy
Because of you I now see how my mother raised me to believe bad things about myself. Thanks!!
Sounds like you're in the right place, so glad you're here. -Calista@TeamFairy
You just want to make up cry and rethink our whole childhood. This is some hard stuff to accept.
We are seeking emotional resolve from childhood. Sylvia those feelings you had of intimacy those came from inside of you! You can have those amazing feelings with anyone you choose! Now listen to Anna how to choose better ❤️
Terribly clarifying. I wished I had heard of this 10 years ago. Thank you.
I love these videos. They have helped me so much. I have a child now and it’s so critical for me to heal these wounds because my child deserves it plus I deserve it. It’s even more difficult when your coparent has the same wounds… this is a great video.
Oh, I'm so glad it helps you as a mother!
Don't leave! Don't let him drive you out!.drive him out!
Cut off all possibility of return by driving him out of your office!
I love the way you say “Sylvia” also I love the pencil. I’m always like ‘yes! Pencil time time!’
Anna is just the best at this.
Anna, you’re an angel. I didn’t even think I needed help:)
You’re teaching me a lot. Thank you!!