One thing people have got to remember: *just because the abuser is experiencing mental health issues does not mean their treatment of you is justified,* and you're not selfish or abandoning them if you have to leave the relationship because they're hurting you. Nothing makes abuse okay, and even if someone is mentally ill, they still need to take responsibility for their actions.
And it annoys me when people tell you to try to re-connect with family members who continually hurt you. What do they know about the situation? Does being related mean we have to tolerate toxic relationships?
"Moments of kindness or calm don't invalidate the abuse." Super important to remember that. Just because someone isn't abusive 100% of the time, doesn't mean they're not abusive other times.
The saddest part is that everyone who is watching this already somewhere deep down know that the relationship is unhealthy and we're simply here for reassurance because we doubt ourselves more than the Significant Other; if we are being unjust to them although they know exactly what they are doing.
@@NADIA-et2wc Exaggerating to whom? Everybody has different sensitivities. What bothers me may not bother someone and what acutely bothers them is maybe nothing to me. You're most probably given impetus from your partner to feel the way you feel. Sometimes we need to stick to our guns when it comes to our feelings
This a nice distillation of why therapy is helpful for people suffering emotional abuse. Recognizing and naming what happened, who did what, how you feel about it, and how to move forward is very liberating.
It's also such an important step to take in order to identify any problematic behavioral problems we picked up as a result of our emotional abuse -- otherwise, we leave ourselves prone to perpetuating the same emotional abuse onto someone else in the future.
It's also really helpful to people who are emotional abusers themselves! Altough we (fairly) harbor negative feelings towards those who hurt us, manipulative people often do not even realize how they are and why they need to change and grow so they can have better relations in the future
I'm often accused of emotional abuse early on, because I shut down in a fight. I turn inward, stop talking and am processing everything that's happening. It's seen initially as the silent treatment. However, I've learned to let my partners and family know that I'm not intentionally ignoring them. I'm just trying to processing the events, make sense and determine if I did indeed make a mistake and what I should do to fix it. This has really helped ease frustration and resentment on both sides. That being said, the silent treatment is AWFUL!!! You should never do it to someone. If you're tired of talking about something, just ask the person to revisit the topic at a later time. Don't cut them off.
This is me man.. I can't communicate well at all. I have autism and ADD so it's always an inward battle, mostly taking hours to think about and process in my head, but on the outside looks like I'm just ignoring everyone.. Hmm 💭
Thanks for sharing this! I've had people tell me that they needed "time to prepare" for difficult conversations, but never took responsibility or accepted accountability, as you are, so they were basically asking me to do their emotional work for them and be quiet until *they* were ready. They very likely hoped I would "calm down", aka they didn't like outward emotions because they... basically didn't have them.
Ted-Ed forgot that this can can happen in the workplace as well. From boss to employee. And between coworkers too. I experienced it from both boss and coworkers at my first job. A toxic environment. Also the abuser isn't necessarily male, it can be women also.
Being recently realising that I'm emotionally abused for almost whole of my life, it is even still left me feeling guilty for trying to defend myself from my abuser. But reaching out for help does help a lot and makes me realize that I deserve to have freedom of choice for my life. Talk to someone you trust or any health care provider, even just by talking what you've been experiencing, it helps you to know that you're not alone at least.
Yeah, I felt like this video could have touched on how those who have been abused their whole lives can engage in some of these behaviors in self-defense. It may be dysfunctional self-defense, but if it's all you know, it's all you know. Looking at a bad relationship from the outside, it's often very hard to tell who is the abused and who is the abuser. I've seen counselors get this very wrong. In my experience, the person most willing to admit to wrongdoing gets labeled as the problem, while the less honest party is probably the much more toxic partner outside the counseling office.
You should practice Vipassana method. It can be positive effective to our mind and thought. By focusing on the present moment, people can live fully and be happy.
Palupi, thank you for sharing. I think your statement about feelings of guilt is one many victims can relate to, a way for the abuser to try to make the victim feel like they are in fact the villain. While not all guilt is this way, it's a good thing to watch out for, especially if it's recurring.
The problem often isn't spotting those signs of abuse, it's getting out of it, because you are attached or in love with whoever is doing it to you, so you try to make excuses for them. Having suffered from silent treatment and guilt trips for years myself until I finally reached the breaking point and got out. Even then, it still hurts.
As a Vietnamese American abuse victim (mental, emotional, physical) with severe mental illness and trauma, it makes me feel so validated that this video lesson was from a Vietnamese American person that was raised from Vietnam War refugees, as my parents are also refugees from the war and have untreated trauma. My parents went through so much, and escaped horrors just to pass it on to me. And now I have to heal what they were supposed to protect me from. Thank you for posting this.
@KichiTahoh My parents are also from vietnam and immigrated in Europe. I know what they have gone trough. My grandma left my mom for another man, who she fell in love with. My father lost his mother to cancer at 10 and also went to war and was neglected. So my mom only got pregnant because my father wanted to have children and if she isn’t going to give him a child he would divorce her. The reason why my dad wanted to have children was because society told him to and he really cares about his image. So after my mom gave birth to me my dad still cheated on her but stay because of the children. Vietnamese culture tell wife to condone the husband’s cheating. He only wanted to have children for the sake of having children and neglected us and was never home. His absence was driving my mom crazy and she let her anger and resentment out on me. She used to hit me but mostly she yell, insult, and invalidates me. She never loved me actually that what she told me and when I misbehaved she threatened to abandoned me. So I always try hard in school but I have difficulties in learning. I endure it for years I try to transfer to an easier school. But they didn’t want me to because they are embarrassed that their daughter isn’t smart enough to keep up. I am so burned out but they don’t care, I habe to live up their expectations and I cant hold it out anymore. I have avoidant personality disorder and childhood depression but they really don’t care. When I talked to the school about it they told me that my parents love me . I felt so helpless and lonely. But still I am going to survive this because now I’m 18 and i even survived it in childhood and I know that life can be actually beautiful. I hope you can have a beautiful life no matter what. I just wanted to share my thoughts because in real life when I opened up people just put me aside. Wish you the best
@@linivy578 oh my gosh sweetheart, I'm so sorry you have to go through all that... 🥺🥺 I hope things get better for you. Sending love, happiness and support to you babe! ❤❤❤
@@WashingtonDC20032 I actually met a man who fought in the Vietnam War when I was hospitalized last summer. He was so sweet albeit very eccentric (he may have had a drug problem and develop brain injuries, I'm not sure), but he was clearly homeless or was, as he tried to teach me the concept of 'free stuff' (squatting in abandoned buildings, literally stealing abandoned cars). But I will never forget the one day we were all having art therapy, he was recalling his time fighting during the Vietnam war. He spoke about how nearly lost his ear to the Vietcong and a few other stuff as if we were children listening, but when he began describing the horror he saw of the deaths of the women and children it completely broke him. It was the one and only time I've ever seen him break down and cry. And it completely broke my heart and shook me to my very core. He also drew me something during my stay there and I made sure to take it home with me when I was discharged. I plan to frame it to his liking (we discussed how he wanted it to be framed and he mentioned golden oak). Unfortunately, I don't know where he is now, and I hope he will be okay, but I will never forget him.
@@linivy578 I am sorry to hear you had to go through with any of that, no deserves any of that. I myself have borderline personality disorder and C-PTSD (among various other junk), and it's been horrible trying to navigate life and social settings being so mentally ill. As a 30 year old I feel like my 'prime' has effectively ended as I can no longer consider my dream jobs even if I wanted to (I'm easily prone to being overwhelmed when even barely overworked and have very poor motivation control, so it's very easy for me to burnout). I hope you can get the healing and grow to be better for you and no one else. You deserve kindness and unconditional love, and if they couldn't give you it, I hope you can give you it. Because you deserve to heal and be loved.
I think it's very interesting that gaslighting and projection is such an effective tactic. Non-abusers recieve a criticism, and turn to introspection, very different to an abuser's deflection. And when this introspection has nothing concrete to find, it makes them doubt themselves even more. Whereas an abuser would not be affected by gaslighting in the slightest.
The most interesting one I've personally seen recently, was someone using accusations of emotional abuse and gaslighting as a form of gaslighting. Was very distressing to the person who was actually being abused because they've been abused before and started to question all of their actions towards him (the one accusing and doing the abuse). Only with assurances from literally everyone else in their life that they have been nothing but kind to him did they start to come out of the fog. Scary what abuses are using as control tactics now.
1. 1:15 Content of someone's words 2. 1:48 Tone and Non Verbal Cues 3. 2:14 how someone reacts to being told they've said or done something hurtful 4. 3:00 When someone directs these behaviors, take note of whether this is part of a pattern of behavior from them
The moment I finally realized that I was being emotionally abused was when my ex began having constant struggles with me after I began going to therapy while we were on a break from speaking. My sense of self had strengthened and I learned to advocate for my feelings more, and that was something they just weren't able to handle.
This was a tough pill to swallow. Because a lot of these are inherent coping mechanisms for abusers and abusee who can later go on to become abusers themselves.
As someone who was abused emotionally by my own father I can say that this video was quite helpful and informative Dont worry though, I've made a full recovery But I did part ways with my father
I've got abused by my older brother mentally and physically, and I'm surprised how close this video's is to my brother, but unfortunately I've not recovered yet and a proof of that is that i do some of these things to my younger brother even though i promised my self to not let anyone close to me to experience the trauma that I've experienced. I need help.
@@barakat4503 I act almost like my parents toward my younger siblings, and they do the same too. I want to change, but change within the whole family is impossible because of our bad communication. I ever tried, but when they behave like our parent, I could no longer keep my promise. While I know for sure, I act really different when I'm around family and when I'm with friends. I was almost totally a whole different person. I like to talk deeply with my friends. That side of me, I could never bring up when around my family
@@behuman3811 you're not alone, all of us treated different people differently and it's completely ok, every person have a diffrent personality and if you want to have a relationship with him you need to act the way it suits him the most. I hate to say it but you will never change your behaviour with your family unless your parents change wich is very unlikely for adults to change completely. but if you ever started a family on your own always remember the things your parents did with you that you hated and try to not do the same to your children so you can brake the cursed chain.
I realized I was being emotionally abused when I started hoping that they would physically threaten or hurt me. It would give me something more concrete to report, and I would be believed. Without that threat, it was so hard to label.
So sad. I feel u on this. I wish I was physically abused which is really sad, just so that people would support me. But they won’t. They won’t ever support us and we have to accept that. We have to just leave and give ourselves the closure.
Same. When I found myself wishing my husband of 11 years would punch me in the face, I knew something was very wrong. I wanted something “concrete” to report to others, since explaining emotional abuse is so difficult because the abuser is never the same person in public as he/she is at home.
I get that… you are on your own when it’s ‘just’ emotional abuse… regardless of the recognition that emotional abuse is the most damaging. People who find themselves subjugated to this, will do well for themselves if they learn how to stop it in its tracks (setting boundaries, ie, early in relationship, saying you will end it, if that ‘abuse type’ continues and if it happens again, within 6 months, for eg., have the guts to end it) … BeFORE cleving your lives together (as in marriage/life partnering)… avoid premature partnering of any kind, other than a small short term project or obligating daily communication for a while… don’t ignore bad feelings… maybe the person isn’t an abusive narcissist type, but they just aren’t right for you, your values are so different and there’s not much you agree upon. We often think that’s the case, but sometimes it’s just a complete lack of respect.
THE SILENT TREATMENT I wonder how many of us did this unintentionally just because we are trying to escape from surrounding or afraid to start a new conversation with others. I feel so bad right now :( Well thanks to TED and now I understand it well
You misunderstood. Being unsociable isn't the problem here. Imagine like, you have a problem with your partner, like maybe they refuse to do chores around the house, but whenever you try to bring it up they either stonewall you, dismiss your problem or refuse to listen, that's the silent treatment. In a healthy relationship, both parties would talk and work together to resolve said problem.
An example I've lived of silent treatment is someone i lived with refusing to talk to me for three days straight. Even calling their name wouldn't work because they would pretend not to hear me. Don't worry, not socializing is not considered silent treatment
The silent treatment is also something people who are being abused will do. When I was constantly guilted into 'discussions' that had no end and turned into a word salad and verbal abuse, I started to distance myself and not engage. They then accused me of making them uncomfortable and 'abusing' them.
@@lilitt14 That doesn't seem silent treatment and abuse from your part. That's you reinforcing boundaries in order to protect yourself. I think you should completely disengage. You are being abused. Guilt tripping is abuse (being guilted into doing something, anything you clearly don't want to do= That's abuse). Then you mention verbal abuse. Then you mention being accused of being abusive. That's also a form of abuse, when the abuser tries to move the focus on you and accuse you=gaslighting. You're not abusive, you are abused.
This does make me think my mother has emotionally abused me all my life. How I never believed I was a good person, deserving love and respect, because she said I've always caused her and Dad trouble ever since I was born. I kept believing what she said because my culture glorifies mothers and parents, saying they are always right. If I ever told my friends about this treatment, they would brush it off as something done in every household. If I told some more friends that what she has done is emotional abuse, I would be called a snowflake for being affected by something so "miniscule". If I told my mother, she would say I'm being ridiculous, because she's my mother and would never want anything bad happen to me. Nobody realizes that they don't have a say in how much something will affect a person, and how. But I guess I'll never be able to figure my situation.
You understand your situation already. You only need to validate it trough another videos, books, or even discussion with therapist. Now, you are just unsure. I could say this, because I never knew that the root problem of my depression was the thing that I already knew. I was just unsure before. But my therapist reconnect all of that. I was just like you before. As Asian, that is the culture. Fortunately, I found some deep friends whom I could talk about this topic, and much more shallow minded person on this topic, who looked down on my experienced. I gamble on people to find that deep thinker friends. I hope you'll find that kind of friend too
If Im in your life and when you share this kinda information with me I can easily manuplate by targeting your vulnerable situation . Since your not in my life I missed this opportunity. 😞😞😞 I'm sure you have siblings
Hey, I've gone through the same problem, with some variants of course. But my overall happiness increased as soon as I cut relationship with my mother entirely. Its been almost three years now, but I left as soon as I could afford to live on my own.. maybe you could do the same, be well
This is exactly how I was always made to feel. Like a burden and a huge source of stress but looking back I was the most quiet kid. She still denies it to this day and is so hostile if I try to discuss it. I told her once at the age of 8 when she wasn't home (I was a latch key kid) I saw some men with a gun were arguing outside my window and I was so terrified I hid under (I said under but crouched in front of it actually) the refrigerator for hours. All she could say was, "oh I didnt know a child could fit under a refrigerator, whats the problem you were safe inside". At 20-something I badly needed to borrow money which is the reason I called and at some pint I choked up and cried a little, at such a low point after a breakup and being at the point of destitution. In response she got so uncomfortable and told me not to cry. Then proceeded to tell me I should have picked the career she wanted me to pick. It made me realize it was a whole lifetime of invalidation from her and I want to send you a big hug because I know how bad it hurts.
I am a victim of emotional abuse and it took me a long time to realise it. Even though I actually worked with victims of domestic violence. I told myself that because they didn’t physically hurt me then it wasn’t the same. But it’s hurt me so much mentally and caused such anxiety and depression.
YES! I can totally relate to that. I was always like, "Well he's never hit me or pushed me down the stairs. So it's not clear-cut abuse." After getting out of the situation because I was unhappy I started looking back and being like, "Wait, a minute. Such-and-such was super manipulative." "Wait, he really shouldn't have...." and it finally dawned on me that it was an emotionally abusive relationship. I never would have said that while I was in it, though. It's hard to see when you're in it!
some emotional abusers don't even know they are being abusive and are just carrying out a learned behavior that has gotten them what they wanted in the past. This is often true of kids who's parents would give them what they wanted if they threw a tantrum.
And some people who feel they are abused only feel that way cause other people tell and make a big deal out of things that arent that big of a deal and will label themselves as abused in order to abuse someone else.
@@lampad4549 I mean the victim mentality is often adopted by abusers as an excuse for their abusive behavior, that much is true, but "you are making a bigger deal of this than it actually is" is also a tactic used by both abusers and enablers to gaslight the abused into thinking the abuse is ok or atleast minimize how bad it is. So "it isn't that big of a deal" is language that should be avoided when talking about abuse because an emotionally abusive person is never going to stop playing the victim no matter what you tell them, but many people who are being emotionally abused are actually looking for ways to justify the relationship to themselves and liable to latch onto "oh it's not that big of a deal" and then stay in that abusive relationship for longer than they would have if they did not hear that language.
My autistic ex was exactly like that. He had no concept of how his horrible behavior negatively affected everyone around him. And was very resistant to hearing that his behavior was harmful. He instead blamed everyone else
Okay, so the only slight issue I take is the lack of eye contact one. While this CAN be a sign, it can also be someone's truama response or a sign if someone is Neurodivergent. I'm autistic, so eye contact is difficult and deeply uncomfortable for me, but that doesn't mean I don't care about my loved ones or friends.
I take "refusal to make eye contact" differently than *difficulty* making eye contact. The attitude is very very different. As someone who has dealt with emotional abuse from the first, it's usually dismissive and goes like this: They walk out of the room while I'm telling them how hurt I am. They say "ohhhh are you going to CRY about it?" which may make me cry and I'll say "why are you being so mean? Please, lets talk about this?" Then they'll groan and lay down and ignore me. I'll beg them to look at me and listen to me and they'll be like "I AM listening" while staring at the ceiling spacing out and zoning me out. So yes, refusal to make eye contact can be very abusive. That being said, difficulty making eye contact is very very different and someone who is genuinely having a hard time will not come off as abusive in my opinion
Just live with the voices in ur mind, they can help plan ahead of fools that would cause harm mental or otherwise. Why give money if u have no money to give? If pple are going to be repetitive when u try to say/explain something, ignore them, they have no mindset to listen or trust ur words. Ignore the ones who ignore u & just plan within ur plans to make a lie & keep going till u have everything in ur web of lies
my aunt married a man with bipolar disorder that didn’t want to get cured. i remember when she used to invite my family at her house, her husband used to scream at her and at my cousin. she always looked scared of him and i could’ve see fear in her eyes. but, fortunately, my dad this summer helped my aunt to get rid of him and denounced him. my aunt got through all of that for more than 10 years and never asked for help until my dad and mom checked up on her.
Love the illustrations conveying both the whimsy and darkness of emotional abuse. In my experience emotional abuse is being on a roller coaster (highs n lows) but the abuser refuses to let you get off the emotional ride.
I was emotionally and physically abused by my mother. It's all true what they say here. The mistakes you make afterwards when you deal with the lasting symptoms can be terrible deals too. Do not be trapped with someone who doesn't offer you good. And do not shy from people who DO offer you good.
Abusers may aim to avoid household chores or exercise total control of family finances. Abusers can be very manipulative, often recruiting friends, law officers and court officials, and even the victim's family to their side, while shifting blame to the victim.
Why am I thinking it’s just normal for someone to mistreat or even badmouth you and then continue to be present with no shame or guilt. We need to get rid of those people.
my father has been abusing me emotionally since ever and just now i realize that i do the same to my brothers sometimes thinking my criticism will help them improve after watching this video i feel like i really need to rethink about my habit of harsh criticism because i dont wanna be like father
Just remember when dealing with your brothers:, there's criticism and there's constructive criticism. And also it's fine to tell someone that something they have *done* is wrong, but never fine to tell someone *they* are wrong. Criticism is a part of life and it can hurt, but if it's grounded in a real problem and follows the rules of respect and trying to improve something then it is absolutely necessary.
I grew up in a very similar situation. Although the abuser was my mother, I was often critical of my younger brothers without realizing. I'm still not sure why, although I think deep down it had something to do with wanting to please my mother by emulating her, or not knowing that my brothers were being judged unfairly because I hadn't been taught any other way. They suffered more abuse than I did, and every problem was blamed on them, so it was hard for them to break out of that mould themselves. My point is, it can take time to learn how to treat people differently when you were taught by a bad example. It's especially hard if your father is expecting you to treat your brothers harshly. But my best advice would be to not only try and give your brothers some slack, but be patient with yourself too as you try to improve your relationship with them. It's really hard to break out of an abusive mould, especially if you still live with your father, but you've already grown so much just recognizing that the situation you and your siblings are in is not okay. Also, try to approach your brothers privately and be especially kind to them when your father isn't around. They will appreciate your efforts, even if you wish you could do more. If you need to talk or need some resources to help you survive this situation while you still have to live in it, let me know. I promise I won't judge you.
@@radicalpaddyo Depends on the context of the situation whether it's fine to tell someone they have done wrong. If someone is doing something that doesn't hurt you or others, mind your business or ask questions rather than pass judgement. How we perceive a situation may not be all of the information, so essentially "judging" someone's behavior as "wrong" may be a you problem, not a them problem. For example, we skipped on Christmas last year with the family to do our own thing. My partner's sister thought we shouldn't have done that and told us so. It's not her business and we weren't wrong in our decision; she just didn't agree with it. I have 4 siblings. Never in my life would I ever try to tell them they were making bad choices over something that ultimately doesn't affect me.
@@starsaur6664 thnx for sharing your experience i think i criticize my brothers harshly because of my assumptions about my father, he is an alcoholic narcissist and a very good actor he becomes a nice soft boy in front of our relatives and his friends and turns into a demon when they go everyone likes him nobody ever tells him to stop drinking or find a job that is why i just point out the things people do wrong thinking it would ultimately be good for them i was always an obedient son so always did what he said and this very fact is the most painful when i think about how he has been treating me i was the topper in my college for the first two semesters when the third semester started i asked for money for books he gathered our relatives and started telling that he is now old (he was 38 then) he cant work and pay for his expenses rather he should be working and supporting me all the relatives agreed i was getting bullied in the college too for being a lower cast ( casts are an indian thing) i thought i will work as construction labor so i went to my uncles they are small contractors i asked for work but no one gave me work becoz i dont look physically strong all of this made me depressed i was having trust issues because everyone seemed to be betraying me i lost interest in everything thinkin that i am a lower cast boy even if i become educated get a good job i am never gonna be respected i felt that excellence has no value i was thinking about killing myself everyday i went on for three years people in india think depression is not real but i think it is then during the covid lockdown an indian actor committed suicide and.. what indian media out of his death made me realize that even death is not the end of misery so i thought of trying to come back to life i am learning game development from internet so many people (they are gods actually) are teaching in on youtube for free also epic games is giving so many assets for free so i dont have to worry about the art but i can focus on programming which is my strength since few days tho i was feeling very demotivated thinking even if i make a game will it even change anything i have no money for marketing so maybe no one ever plays it i dont have a college degree or formal education so i dont think i will get any job for making a game but when i am writing this i think i should complete it XD without worrying about the outcomes thanks a lot for letting me just say i feels so good after writing this i have no one to talk about this so thank you stranger :) and i will be careful while criticizing anyone because i dont want to hurt anybody like father
I can state without a doubt that my entire life has been affected by emotional abuse that started when I was young child. It affected me so detrimentally, that not only have I had no meaningful relationships other than "family" but I also still find myself stubbornly "attached" and looking for approval from those in my "family". I believe intervention is very important early in life otherwise self-denying behaviors will slowly become set in stone. Therapy may help but it may not ever be as good as actual friendship, love, valuation, and confirmation of one's viable existence. Therapists are not any of those, at best they might be useful tools towards a solution. The first 10 years of life are the most important.
Woo boy, the amount of times I have been called "selfish" and "rude" in my youth was so toxic. Asking for help and forgetting things were "selfish". She always thought just the slightest tone meant hidden meanings I was dancing around (even if I was as blunt as I could be) or rudeness. She would give me the silent treatment when she decided I was being too much to handle, to the point where I thought it was an acceptable response to give the silent treatment when someone didn't respect my emotional boundaries (once I did have those boundaries, that is). I suspect there might have been enmeshment and trauma bonding because she is diagnosed with PTSD and I have symptoms of both PTSD and CEN (I haven't been officially diagnosed yet). I can't even look people in the eye for long periods of time anymore because I have a violent shaking response to it. It took me a long time to realize that as long as I try my honest best to be respectful and I grow from my mistakes, I can socialize and meet a lot of really nice and interesting people who like me for who I am. I used to think that I was terrible at socializing, but that was the gaslighting speaking. Don't let your abuse define you, it's never justified, even if you have sympathy with the abuser it's not right and you should do your best to get out as safe as possible, even if it's a slow process. Some people won't change and whether or not it's their fault, you're responsible for yourself first.
What’s been tough is realizing that I was emotionally abused throughout my relationship with someone. Looking back now, I’m able to see that their best friends were enablers as well. I know it was all unintentional, all of them had good intentions, but intentions don’t matter if your words and actions are actively harming someone. I hope they can realize their patterns and improve themselves. I will work on healing and becoming better myself.
My folks said emotional problems weren't real and I believed them until I was 18. I was on the verge of suicide because I thought something was wrong with me. Don't let this happen. Know when you're suffering, and let people know. You may be against those that objectify this, but this is the time you must push past it, and seek help. You CAN love yourself, it's possible, it WILL happen.
There's nothing wrong with you and you will heal and meet better people in life because you deserve it. Don't you ever give up on yourself I'm rooting for you
I love my mom, after all, she's been the only one who has cared for me and my 4 siblings. However, we always knew she was emotionally abusive, still is. After she stopped using physical punishment, gaslighting has been her go-to weapon. Just when we think she'll change, we bring up instances from the past and she assures that what we remember is wrong, even if literally 6 other people remember the exact same thing. I would like to know what goes through the mind of an abuser, I just can't seem to understand my mom and love her at the same time
I know all about my emotional abuse.. My own mother inflicted it on me for decades, until she died. I've only just determined thru reading, re-reading, processing and reprocessing that she was a raging narcissist who gaslit anyone and anything she came in contact with. She sought to make people miserable and bring them down as she couldn't see people happy so she'd do what I called the 'bottom rung of the ladder' treatment so that she could speak down to you, as you'd been forced down onto the bottom rung of the ladder. I also now have Complex PTSD for the years of emotional abuse via her narcissism and perpetual threats to commit suicide starting when I was 6-7. I'm glad she's gone.
No matter what and whom we sould never be happy about anyone's death. You can just give no reaction but please don't disrespect someone like that. I do not want to bring relegion in this conversation. But please don't feel happy about pain and end of someone's life no matter the circumstances, that is a useful way to prevent yourself from doing same things as they did. May she rest in peace and I hope you can understand what I am saying. I am not trying to be mean or rude to you I can understand the situation. And accomplish your dreams, don't let anyone stop you. My regards to you. I don't know who you are or from where but I wish you a great luck towards your future with kindness. Don't feel bad for the mistakes of anyone's of they have realized it, it means they have improved from the past self. Stay happy and seek help from your trustworthy people if needed. Have a great life and be great.
All the clarification on questioning being emotionally abused by pointing out that it’s slow process that can have you questioning if it really is or isn’t or bringing up the fact that emotional abuse isn’t always happening 100% of the time really helps some of us in the whirlwind of this kind of relationship get a grasp on it. Sometimes the sweet, loving moments which at times were more often than the abuse always had me questioning my perspective of the relationship. But that bad times were so much worse and memorable. I literally feel like I have PTSD from 4 years of dealing with a narcissist ex…
As a survivor, this is hard to watch, but I also feel extremely grateful to Ted-Ed for making this beautifully done video about a subject that is rarely talked about in our discourse, and yet so profoundly important to those who suffer from it. It also helped remind me of how far I've come. I noticed the author of this video is probably Vietnamese, and I've found it to be not uncommon for Viet people to have close relatives who exhibit emotional abuse-possibly the result of deep, intergenerational trauma caused by the war, poverty, and other issues brought on by centuries of colonial and authoritarian subjugation.
With respect to what you said about the Vietnamese, it could also probably attribute to having a collectivist culture, as in the case of most South and South-East Asian countries. Coming from an Indian that was culturally taught my mom is always right.
@@damunaik4 Yes, you're completely right about this as well. At least in Vietnam, social and family structures have strict hierarchies and power dynamics that sometimes don't allow for the kind of boundaries and emotional space necessary for healthy relationships. It's also worth mentioning that the cultural displacement inherent in diaspora (as in the case of many Vietnamese immigrants) may also contribute to, or compound, tendencies for abusive relationships. I appreciate the insight on your own experience, and the point you mentioned about your mom is not unrecognizable in our culture. Not sure if you are going through challenges, but if you are, I hope you've been able to heal, and know that things do get better as you find healthy ways to deal with them.
War is brutal. It creates traumas buried deep in families that are never talked about. I had a Croatian friend whose family moved to the US because of the Yugoslavian war and her family was the same as yours and mine.
True true true 📍🕊️ 4:20 " While emotional abusers may convince people that they deserve to be mistreated, NOBODY does. EVERYONE deserves Kindness & Respect." 🙆🌄
I was emotionally abused for a while by someone I thought was my friend, I tried justifying it and even defending them and blaming myself for it. I eventually couldn’t take it anymore, so I opened up about it to loved ones and then to authorities and they handled the situation. I had to put a restraining order bc it was getting physical, it wasn’t the outcome I would have wanted but it is what I need and I feel a lot lighter and happier.
Some days ago, I realised that I was and still am emotinally abused. All the gaslighting, all the words he said, everything just makes me anxious. Yes, I understand, he, my father, got pshycally abused as a child, but why did he go out of his way to emotinally abuse me? Why? Wouldn't you at least try to treat others difrent then how your abuser treated you? Because I certanly will. I will be nothing like you, I shall never abuse my child. I don't want anyone to go through abuse. Thank you for reading, I wish you a good day/evening!
I've been on both sides of this coin so many times, and it's frustrating to think I have ever caused another person the harm I've experienced myself. We live in an age of exploration when it comes to mental health and abuse. But so little actual knowledge on how to change our own abusive patterns healthily. I hope the future holds those answers more firmly.
I don't have kids so it made it easier when I left my wife because I saw these signs. I'm glad this video cements what I felt. Some people aren't willing to put in even 1% of effort, but expect 100% from you. Find someone that appreciates you for who you are and be proud of yourself. Relationships aren't always 50/50 fair, but it should be clear that both you and your partner are willing to go the extra mile for each other. At the end of the day, your partner is your family so treat them with love and the respect they deserve
This was so informative. I saw many people suffering their whole life from emotional abuse. It can simply cause irrecoverable damages to someone's mental health when they experienced the abuse in their childhoods. As said in the clip, calling a specialist or therapist would be great, and it has to be treated as soon as possible.
You don’t know how much this video means to me. From someone whose been emotional abused for a long time, it really means something when it’s recognized as something harmful. The amount of times I’ve been told that I’m too sensitive or i over react is more common than gaining support. Reaching out is terrifying because majority of the time people don’t understand it or don’t take it as seriously as physical abuse. It would be great if there were more videos that focused on this topic.
As a Vietnamese , thank you, this video made me feel glad knowing another Vietnamese is talking about it because it’s a real issue and is very common. It happens a lot wether you know about it or not
It hurts to watch this. In my early adulthood, I've always known that a part of me is damaged. Took me years to understand that it's a product from years of emotional abuse. And it took me years to gather the courage, to understand and to acknowledge this: the very person that hurt me the most, is my own mother. I'm isolating myself from my family, because it hurts so so much. No one seemed to understand the pain, and no one seemed to understand my suffering. I guessed that it's a price to pay, to be born in a Chinese family. I've not spoken with anyone of my family for more than ten years. I remember trying to reached out, to my cousins, to my sister, to someone. But my feelings were denied, just like how I was being denied. When I was seven, I was this skinny and timid kid. One day, I told my mom that I was bullied in school. She took out the cane, and beat me up real bad, leaving me with cane marks. She purposely leaved them on the most obvious locations, where no clothes could cover. She believed that, if I don't 'disturbed' others, they will not retaliate. The next day, when the bullies saw me with cane marks, they know that they can do whatever they want, with no consequences. And for the rest of my life in school, I've always been a target of all kinds of abuse. Even the unthinkable. If there's anything that I couldn't do in this life, it'll be to forgive my very own mother. It still hurts. It hurts a lot.
You were a victim, but you’re also a survivor. A good therapist can help you find tools to overcome your pain. I don’t know what your situation is, but there are counselors online worldwide. If you don’t connect with one, try another. If you have mental health resource hotlines please call!
I am so sorry for all you have been put through and suffered. I understand being Asian and had this abusive relationship with my so called mother. I found peace when I cut her and toxic family out of my life. You deserve much much better. You can give yourself that. You do not have to forgive someone who hurt you repeatedly and shows no remorse. Focus on yourself and the beautiful life you can and will have. Please read books on Complex Trauma. There are others I have that have helped that help you understand as I graduated in Social Work. If it was up to my mother I would not be alive but I made it out alive barely at 15 and I'm living now. You can do it ❤️
It took me a long time to realised I had been abused by both my parents. I don't know if themselves were aware of the damage they did but gaslighting was prevalent.
I really love this video! It does an excellent job of illustrating those major points of manipulation, gaslighting, and eroding one’s sense of self worth. I especially like that it points out that an abuser doesn’t engage in abuse 100% of the time, and moments of calm don’t invalidate the abuse. That’s crucial to understand! I experienced emotional abuse at the hands of my mother and I think I’m just now truly starting to comprehend how profound the effects of that abuse have been on me and my life and I’m in my 40’s! A short video really can make a big impact!
i would even go beyond saying "everyone Deserves kindness and respect" and say that the concept of "deserving", or the concept of meritocracy when it comes to human needs, should not even be applied. healthy relationships are a human need, a psycho-social need. we are a bio-psycho-social organism, with bio-psycho-social needs.
My story is that I lived in a dormitory from when I was 11 until I was 14, we lived in a boarding school. In the time I was there, it was incredibly lonely and I have experienced all four types of the abuse from all corners. It was very difficult to process. Many kids would ignore me because I was different, and my roommates would always gaslight me or give me unsolicited advice when I only wanted to be left alone. I never felt safe, I never had the privacy I needed. I often had to lock my belongings in case someone stole it or accuse me of stealing, I have thought of buying a small surveillance camera but it wasnt available :( Sometimes I would go hungry at night, so I would store candy in my room. This all happened in California from 2015-2019. I want to sue the school but I can’t because we don’t have enough money. Abuse is everywhere people.
This made me cry to be honest.....I had struggled for a long time under the thumb of my parents' emotional abuse and the part about being made to feel like I was the crazy one just made my heart break all over again. It's part of the reason why I got a degree in psychology so I could help those with no support system. I had no one until recently, and I never want another child to grow up like that. I suffer from PTSD, Depression and take medication for my anxiety but I do now have a healthy support system. I just hope everyone going through this knows they are not alone. ❤ God bless
Facto also: you can be emotionally abused by multiple people at once. I was, by 5 people. "You aren't worth as much as your younger brother." Greath grandmother. "Another excuse!" My mother on explaining how I experienced the world. "You aren't being bullied.", art teacher. "...", father, always absent, doesn't talk to me. "There is nothing wrong with you, don't make a fuss!", doctors on my hypoproprioception issues.
I've gone through this over and over I called the person out and said this emotional abuse, the person denied that it's abuse, silent treatments follows, times go by where it's great but then it starts again best is to leave
Don’t underestimate the power of standing up for yourself. I guarantee you, they only do it because you ignore it. Don’t be the victim all your life. Yeah, it’s not your job to teach people how to behave, but it’s your job to take a stand for yourself.
Yes,me too.I just got told he doesn't love me,and is leaving. Devastation. Trying not to fall apart. I gave my all,did my best,...but I now must build myself a new life.I feel so broken-hearted,but I will survive.
I simply said, "What are you 10 year old? Giving me silent treatment. If you can't talk it out just go on be a child." This actually worked. The person started talking. A lot of such videos talk about avoiding such people, but when it is our own mom, dad, sibling or grandparents we can't escape and all we can do is fight or stay quiet.
I know for a fact that I've been emotionally abusive to a person. I feel extremely terrible about hurting them and don't know what should I possibly do.
Find a counselor or therapist to work through why you feel the need to act and speak as you do, and how to change it. Often, abusers are trying to control to minimize discomfort or chaos (external, internal). With patience and work, you can create an environment that allows you both to breathe and build each other up rather than feel defeated all the time.
I've been finding myself invalidating my own experiences and feelings, but this reminded me that what happened to me was emotional abuse and that it was not okay.
This was a nice video, my mother is fantastic at emotional manipulation and gaslighting, im 20 now and got through my childhood by blocking out everything just to get through the day but now im emotional stable and can look back at all that ive blocked just to realize how little affection I was “rewarded” because I refused to jump through their hoops. If you are going through this, Everything will be ok, find a way away from it and learn from their mistakes on how now to treat others because you know how much they can damage. Love all of you ❤️❤️❤️ have a great day 😁
I was in a relationship, where I emotionally abused someone and i am so sorry to former partner, and Im so sorry for anyone who went or is going through this I didn’t realise what I was doing until it was too late
Thank you Ted-Ed. I suffered from a groomer many years ago that did all of these things. While I got out of it without any outside resources or vids telling me the signs (this was the age before TH-cam and spread of proper information online), I hope someone is saved because of this video. Please know, you're not alone. Other people survive these relationships, and you can too.
If you consider reaching out to someone you suspect is going through stuff like this, I have had a positive experience with this strategy: Go to the house of the abused without letting him know in advance. Refuse to answer questions and start telling your own story (If you haven't been through this yourself, you probably wouldn't have reached out in the first place.) Cry and hug a lot.
I'm forever thankful to my mom who got me out of emotional abuse from my grandma (and dad), however because of the long-term emotional abuse most of my life I struggle to be with friends or find and be in a relationship or use every of my opportunity to do something more than what I am doing in life, and I also struggle with self-worth, always feeling like I deserve to be mistreated and hated every time I did something bad, whether its intentional or not. But thankfully, I am healing from this kind of abuse and I have good friends in college.
I just broke things off with a man that I really cared about when the patterns of how he spoke to me became apparent. I did not deserve his name calling and rudeness. 100% it was abuse and no amount of gaslighting will make me unsee it. I’m proud of myself for dodging a bullet.
What's worse is when they are physical, I remember a time when I was around 10 I did something that did not warrant the amount of physical beating my dad gave me, it reached a point we're even my mom tried to shield me from him and he lashed out on her, then when he was done he called me into he's room and had a huge smile on his face, telling me how much of a good kid I was and how much he cared for me, and told me he'll never be that aggressive like that again, but boy was I wrong.
Thank you for the reminder that emotional abuse isn't a constant. My mom thinks she's been doing the right things, and while she does abuse me she also provides support. However, that shouldn't invalidate the fact that some of her actions have been harmful. It is possible for me to both appreciate her and to want to move far away.
I think its important to mention that its not always verbal. Like with the silence treatment, the abuser often lets you figure out that you are something wrong... the things you figure out yourself tend to stay in your mind more easily. When the abuser realises that you are no longer feeling bad, "it" will try to be kind once more, best way to cope is to pretend to fall for it and ignore the abuser as much as you can afterwards. This will save you from micro abusing (big phsyco stares and other stuff), since the abuser will feel in total control of you. Im not an expert tho, still experimenting lel.
I only realized that my parents and brother have been emotionally and physically abusing me for as long as I can remember just last month. I realized it after my online and irl friends explained to me that the treatment I was getting daily (being berated, mocked, manipulated, gaslighted, guilt tripped, and the stabbing of my arm (just once. It was the event that opened my eyes to my situation at home)) was emotional, mental and physical abuse. With their help, I’ve been doing my best to heal from the abuse. Without my friends, I wouldn’t have considered any of this as abuse, and would still be thinking that it’s something I’ve done to deserve all of this. I’m always going to be grateful for them.
Everytime I sees video like this I feel I have abused someone..... even though i didnt mean to i genuinely loved them and will always respect them . It's just that we all do what we think is right..... Edit :- I was just 15 when I did this , to someone who was 16.
Another key sign of abuse is how the abuser treats other people and even you in public. They may have a great reputation and be well respected in your community and extended family, and they always praise you when talking about you to other people. But, if that praise is never said to you in private, and if they consistently demean you when they wouldn't if other people were watching, and if they never show you the same consistent kindness and patience they give anyone else, that is abuse. Also, abuse is occuring when someone says or does very hurtful things to another person and then claim it was self defense, even though they were far more aggressive than any of the original actions.
Literally, there's nothing on the internet or anyone can say to refer to a bad person, toxic person, controlling or manipulative person that my girlfriend doesn't fit its bill.🥶🥶
One thing people have got to remember: *just because the abuser is experiencing mental health issues does not mean their treatment of you is justified,* and you're not selfish or abandoning them if you have to leave the relationship because they're hurting you. Nothing makes abuse okay, and even if someone is mentally ill, they still need to take responsibility for their actions.
And it annoys me when people tell you to try to re-connect with family members who continually hurt you. What do they know about the situation? Does being related mean we have to tolerate toxic relationships?
@@robertdesantis6205 they are called enablers
@@robertdesantis6205 amen, bro. You're not obligated to maintain relationships if they're nothing but toxic.
Remember truth: th-cam.com/video/AgXPYQk9zgE/w-d-xo.html
@@robertdesantis6205 you don't have to tolerate people who hurt you. Blood relation means nothing if they can't treat you with kindness
"Moments of kindness or calm don't invalidate the abuse."
Super important to remember that. Just because someone isn't abusive 100% of the time, doesn't mean they're not abusive other times.
💯
Honestly I was just thinking of this then I happened upon the video🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
Exactly, it’s these moments of kindness that I find myself gaslighting myself about the abuse.
Its exactly because of these moments that make the victim question his own sense of judgement tho
@@quickgirl80 same
The saddest part is that everyone who is watching this already somewhere deep down know that the relationship is unhealthy and we're simply here for reassurance because we doubt ourselves more than the Significant Other; if we are being unjust to them although they know exactly what they are doing.
Very true. I'm struggling with this right now.
Reassurance is exactly what I'm looking for because I think I may be over exaggerating 😔
@@NADIA-et2wc Exaggerating to whom? Everybody has different sensitivities. What bothers me may not bother someone and what acutely bothers them is maybe nothing to me. You're most probably given impetus from your partner to feel the way you feel. Sometimes we need to stick to our guns when it comes to our feelings
Ditto.
@@katekeeler4887 Please see a therapist if you're still struggling with it please. Even though that's in the past now please see a therapist.
This a nice distillation of why therapy is helpful for people suffering emotional abuse. Recognizing and naming what happened, who did what, how you feel about it, and how to move forward is very liberating.
It's also such an important step to take in order to identify any problematic behavioral problems we picked up as a result of our emotional abuse -- otherwise, we leave ourselves prone to perpetuating the same emotional abuse onto someone else in the future.
Remember: th-cam.com/video/AgXPYQk9zgE/w-d-xo.html
It's also really helpful to people who are emotional abusers themselves!
Altough we (fairly) harbor negative feelings towards those who hurt us, manipulative people often do not even realize how they are and why they need to change and grow so they can have better relations in the future
@Seven Inches of Throbbing Pink Jesus shut up
th-cam.com/video/7es29sWu_2w/w-d-xo.html
I'm often accused of emotional abuse early on, because I shut down in a fight. I turn inward, stop talking and am processing everything that's happening. It's seen initially as the silent treatment. However, I've learned to let my partners and family know that I'm not intentionally ignoring them. I'm just trying to processing the events, make sense and determine if I did indeed make a mistake and what I should do to fix it. This has really helped ease frustration and resentment on both sides.
That being said, the silent treatment is AWFUL!!! You should never do it to someone. If you're tired of talking about something, just ask the person to revisit the topic at a later time. Don't cut them off.
This is me man.. I can't communicate well at all. I have autism and ADD so it's always an inward battle, mostly taking hours to think about and process in my head, but on the outside looks like I'm just ignoring everyone..
Hmm 💭
Thanks for sharing this! I've had people tell me that they needed "time to prepare" for difficult conversations, but never took responsibility or accepted accountability, as you are, so they were basically asking me to do their emotional work for them and be quiet until *they* were ready. They very likely hoped I would "calm down", aka they didn't like outward emotions because they... basically didn't have them.
@Talibland , damn do afgans have internet connection ????
my girlfriend does this, but then doesn’t ever follow up.
@@rockymtn161 , it happens from both sides, bt wise way to tackle such situtions is to talk each other like educated human beings.
Ted-Ed forgot that this can can happen in the workplace as well. From boss to employee. And between coworkers too. I experienced it from both boss and coworkers at my first job. A toxic environment. Also the abuser isn't necessarily male, it can be women also.
Can verify. The two abusers I've encountered in the workplace have both been female.
While I don't think they forgot about it, I do agree that not adding this fact in can create misconceptions or misunderstanding about the situation.
Be sure to be alert when people say that they have a "BIG PERSONALITY". that's a red flag for sure.
Abusers can be any gender
It happens in most of the Indian 👪families
This is something that everyone needs to know so they can protect others.
agreed
And themselves
yes!
Being recently realising that I'm emotionally abused for almost whole of my life, it is even still left me feeling guilty for trying to defend myself from my abuser. But reaching out for help does help a lot and makes me realize that I deserve to have freedom of choice for my life.
Talk to someone you trust or any health care provider, even just by talking what you've been experiencing, it helps you to know that you're not alone at least.
please tell us your story (if you can)
Yeah, I felt like this video could have touched on how those who have been abused their whole lives can engage in some of these behaviors in self-defense. It may be dysfunctional self-defense, but if it's all you know, it's all you know. Looking at a bad relationship from the outside, it's often very hard to tell who is the abused and who is the abuser. I've seen counselors get this very wrong. In my experience, the person most willing to admit to wrongdoing gets labeled as the problem, while the less honest party is probably the much more toxic partner outside the counseling office.
You should practice Vipassana method. It can be positive effective to our mind and thought. By focusing on the present moment, people can live fully and be happy.
Palupi, thank you for sharing. I think your statement about feelings of guilt is one many victims can relate to, a way for the abuser to try to make the victim feel like they are in fact the villain. While not all guilt is this way, it's a good thing to watch out for, especially if it's recurring.
Thank you ♡
The problem often isn't spotting those signs of abuse, it's getting out of it, because you are attached or in love with whoever is doing it to you, so you try to make excuses for them. Having suffered from silent treatment and guilt trips for years myself until I finally reached the breaking point and got out. Even then, it still hurts.
It hurts till the point of pain. I am fighting between my brain and heart everyday though it's been a year already
My husband always said no other man would put up with me. He is a major gaslighter. I caught him in so much of that.
As a Vietnamese American abuse victim (mental, emotional, physical) with severe mental illness and trauma, it makes me feel so validated that this video lesson was from a Vietnamese American person that was raised from Vietnam War refugees, as my parents are also refugees from the war and have untreated trauma. My parents went through so much, and escaped horrors just to pass it on to me. And now I have to heal what they were supposed to protect me from. Thank you for posting this.
@KichiTahoh My parents are also from vietnam and immigrated in Europe. I know what they have gone trough. My grandma left my mom for another man, who she fell in love with. My father lost his mother to cancer at 10 and also went to war and was neglected. So my mom only got pregnant because my father wanted to have children and if she isn’t going to give him a child he would divorce her. The reason why my dad wanted to have children was because society told him to and he really cares about his image. So after my mom gave birth to me my dad still cheated on her but stay because of the children. Vietnamese culture tell wife to condone the husband’s cheating. He only wanted to have children for the sake of having children and neglected us and was never home. His absence was driving my mom crazy and she let her anger and resentment out on me. She used to hit me but mostly she yell, insult, and invalidates me. She never loved me actually that what she told me and when I misbehaved she threatened to abandoned me. So I always try hard in school but I have difficulties in learning. I endure it for years I try to transfer to an easier school. But they didn’t want me to because they are embarrassed that their daughter isn’t smart enough to keep up. I am so burned out but they don’t care, I habe to live up their expectations and I cant hold it out anymore. I have avoidant personality disorder and childhood depression but they really don’t care. When I talked to the school about it they told me that my parents love me . I felt so helpless and lonely. But still I am going to survive this because now I’m 18 and i even survived it in childhood and I know that life can be actually beautiful. I hope you can have a beautiful life no matter what. I just wanted to share my thoughts because in real life when I opened up people just put me aside. Wish you the best
@@linivy578 oh my gosh sweetheart, I'm so sorry you have to go through all that... 🥺🥺 I hope things get better for you. Sending love, happiness and support to you babe! ❤❤❤
I’m so sorry. My father fought in that war years ago and he had mental trauma from it as well.
@@WashingtonDC20032 I actually met a man who fought in the Vietnam War when I was hospitalized last summer. He was so sweet albeit very eccentric (he may have had a drug problem and develop brain injuries, I'm not sure), but he was clearly homeless or was, as he tried to teach me the concept of 'free stuff' (squatting in abandoned buildings, literally stealing abandoned cars). But I will never forget the one day we were all having art therapy, he was recalling his time fighting during the Vietnam war. He spoke about how nearly lost his ear to the Vietcong and a few other stuff as if we were children listening, but when he began describing the horror he saw of the deaths of the women and children it completely broke him. It was the one and only time I've ever seen him break down and cry. And it completely broke my heart and shook me to my very core.
He also drew me something during my stay there and I made sure to take it home with me when I was discharged. I plan to frame it to his liking (we discussed how he wanted it to be framed and he mentioned golden oak). Unfortunately, I don't know where he is now, and I hope he will be okay, but I will never forget him.
@@linivy578 I am sorry to hear you had to go through with any of that, no deserves any of that. I myself have borderline personality disorder and C-PTSD (among various other junk), and it's been horrible trying to navigate life and social settings being so mentally ill. As a 30 year old I feel like my 'prime' has effectively ended as I can no longer consider my dream jobs even if I wanted to (I'm easily prone to being overwhelmed when even barely overworked and have very poor motivation control, so it's very easy for me to burnout). I hope you can get the healing and grow to be better for you and no one else. You deserve kindness and unconditional love, and if they couldn't give you it, I hope you can give you it. Because you deserve to heal and be loved.
I think it's very interesting that gaslighting and projection is such an effective tactic. Non-abusers recieve a criticism, and turn to introspection, very different to an abuser's deflection. And when this introspection has nothing concrete to find, it makes them doubt themselves even more. Whereas an abuser would not be affected by gaslighting in the slightest.
The most interesting one I've personally seen recently, was someone using accusations of emotional abuse and gaslighting as a form of gaslighting. Was very distressing to the person who was actually being abused because they've been abused before and started to question all of their actions towards him (the one accusing and doing the abuse). Only with assurances from literally everyone else in their life that they have been nothing but kind to him did they start to come out of the fog.
Scary what abuses are using as control tactics now.
This is exactly what I’m going through.
1. 1:15 Content of someone's words
2. 1:48 Tone and Non Verbal Cues
3. 2:14 how someone reacts to being told they've said or done something hurtful
4. 3:00 When someone directs these behaviors, take note of whether this is part of a pattern of behavior from them
The moment I finally realized that I was being emotionally abused was when my ex began having constant struggles with me after I began going to therapy while we were on a break from speaking. My sense of self had strengthened and I learned to advocate for my feelings more, and that was something they just weren't able to handle.
“Moments of kindness or calm don’t invalidate the moments of abuse that are actually the part of the cycle of emotional manipulation” - 💯
This hit.
th-cam.com/video/NQQeN_AcvqE/w-d-xo.htmlsi=RHQPUencC8toPMOQ
This was a tough pill to swallow.
Because a lot of these are inherent coping mechanisms for abusers and abusee who can later go on to become abusers themselves.
As someone who was abused emotionally by my own father I can say that this video was quite helpful and informative
Dont worry though, I've made a full recovery
But I did part ways with my father
I've got abused by my older brother mentally and physically, and I'm surprised how close this video's is to my brother, but unfortunately I've not recovered yet and a proof of that is that i do some of these things to my younger brother even though i promised my self to not let anyone close to me to experience the trauma that I've experienced. I need help.
It's great that you're doing better now, and you're not wrong for cutting off your father if you had a toxic relationship
@@barakat4503 I act almost like my parents toward my younger siblings, and they do the same too. I want to change, but change within the whole family is impossible because of our bad communication. I ever tried, but when they behave like our parent, I could no longer keep my promise.
While I know for sure, I act really different when I'm around family and when I'm with friends. I was almost totally a whole different person. I like to talk deeply with my friends. That side of me, I could never bring up when around my family
@@behuman3811 you're not alone, all of us treated different people differently and it's completely ok, every person have a diffrent personality and if you want to have a relationship with him you need to act the way it suits him the most.
I hate to say it but you will never change your behaviour with your family unless your parents change wich is very unlikely for adults to change completely.
but if you ever started a family on your own always remember the things your parents did with you that you hated and try to not do the same to your children so you can brake the cursed chain.
I realized I was being emotionally abused when I started hoping that they would physically threaten or hurt me. It would give me something more concrete to report, and I would be believed. Without that threat, it was so hard to label.
So sad. I feel u on this. I wish I was physically abused which is really sad, just so that people would support me. But they won’t. They won’t ever support us and we have to accept that. We have to just leave and give ourselves the closure.
Same. When I found myself wishing my husband of 11 years would punch me in the face, I knew something was very wrong. I wanted something “concrete” to report to others, since explaining emotional abuse is so difficult because the abuser is never the same person in public as he/she is at home.
I get that… you are on your own when it’s ‘just’ emotional abuse… regardless of the recognition that emotional abuse is the most damaging. People who find themselves subjugated to this, will do well for themselves if they learn how to stop it in its tracks (setting boundaries, ie, early in relationship, saying you will end it, if that ‘abuse type’ continues and if it happens again, within 6 months, for eg., have the guts to end it) … BeFORE cleving your lives together (as in marriage/life partnering)… avoid premature partnering of any kind, other than a small short term project or obligating daily communication for a while… don’t ignore bad feelings… maybe the person isn’t an abusive narcissist type, but they just aren’t right for you, your values are so different and there’s not much you agree upon. We often think that’s the case, but sometimes it’s just a complete lack of respect.
Easier said than done… I know this and I’m still struggling.
THE SILENT TREATMENT
I wonder how many of us did this unintentionally just because we are trying to escape from surrounding or afraid to start a new conversation with others. I feel so bad right now :(
Well thanks to TED and now I understand it well
You misunderstood. Being unsociable isn't the problem here. Imagine like, you have a problem with your partner, like maybe they refuse to do chores around the house, but whenever you try to bring it up they either stonewall you, dismiss your problem or refuse to listen, that's the silent treatment. In a healthy relationship, both parties would talk and work together to resolve said problem.
@@noodleexpanding3407 I see! Thanks for explaining it to me fam!
An example I've lived of silent treatment is someone i lived with refusing to talk to me for three days straight. Even calling their name wouldn't work because they would pretend not to hear me.
Don't worry, not socializing is not considered silent treatment
The silent treatment is also something people who are being abused will do. When I was constantly guilted into 'discussions' that had no end and turned into a word salad and verbal abuse, I started to distance myself and not engage. They then accused me of making them uncomfortable and 'abusing' them.
@@lilitt14 That doesn't seem silent treatment and abuse from your part. That's you reinforcing boundaries in order to protect yourself. I think you should completely disengage. You are being abused. Guilt tripping is abuse (being guilted into doing something, anything you clearly don't want to do= That's abuse). Then you mention verbal abuse. Then you mention being accused of being abusive. That's also a form of abuse, when the abuser tries to move the focus on you and accuse you=gaslighting. You're not abusive, you are abused.
This does make me think my mother has emotionally abused me all my life. How I never believed I was a good person, deserving love and respect, because she said I've always caused her and Dad trouble ever since I was born. I kept believing what she said because my culture glorifies mothers and parents, saying they are always right.
If I ever told my friends about this treatment, they would brush it off as something done in every household.
If I told some more friends that what she has done is emotional abuse, I would be called a snowflake for being affected by something so "miniscule". If I told my mother, she would say I'm being ridiculous, because she's my mother and would never want anything bad happen to me. Nobody realizes that they don't have a say in how much something will affect a person, and how.
But I guess I'll never be able to figure my situation.
You understand your situation already. You only need to validate it trough another videos, books, or even discussion with therapist. Now, you are just unsure. I could say this, because I never knew that the root problem of my depression was the thing that I already knew. I was just unsure before. But my therapist reconnect all of that.
I was just like you before. As Asian, that is the culture. Fortunately, I found some deep friends whom I could talk about this topic, and much more shallow minded person on this topic, who looked down on my experienced. I gamble on people to find that deep thinker friends.
I hope you'll find that kind of friend too
You just described my entire problem
If Im in your life and when you share this kinda information with me I can easily manuplate by targeting your vulnerable situation . Since your not in my life I missed this opportunity. 😞😞😞
I'm sure you have siblings
Hey, I've gone through the same problem, with some variants of course. But my overall happiness increased as soon as I cut relationship with my mother entirely. Its been almost three years now, but I left as soon as I could afford to live on my own.. maybe you could do the same, be well
This is exactly how I was always made to feel. Like a burden and a huge source of stress but looking back I was the most quiet kid. She still denies it to this day and is so hostile if I try to discuss it. I told her once at the age of 8 when she wasn't home (I was a latch key kid) I saw some men with a gun were arguing outside my window and I was so terrified I hid under (I said under but crouched in front of it actually) the refrigerator for hours. All she could say was, "oh I didnt know a child could fit under a refrigerator, whats the problem you were safe inside". At 20-something I badly needed to borrow money which is the reason I called and at some pint I choked up and cried a little, at such a low point after a breakup and being at the point of destitution. In response she got so uncomfortable and told me not to cry. Then proceeded to tell me I should have picked the career she wanted me to pick. It made me realize it was a whole lifetime of invalidation from her and I want to send you a big hug because I know how bad it hurts.
I am a victim of emotional abuse and it took me a long time to realise it. Even though I actually worked with victims of domestic violence. I told myself that because they didn’t physically hurt me then it wasn’t the same. But it’s hurt me so much mentally and caused such anxiety and depression.
I am sary to hear that.😟
YES! I can totally relate to that. I was always like, "Well he's never hit me or pushed me down the stairs. So it's not clear-cut abuse." After getting out of the situation because I was unhappy I started looking back and being like, "Wait, a minute. Such-and-such was super manipulative." "Wait, he really shouldn't have...." and it finally dawned on me that it was an emotionally abusive relationship. I never would have said that while I was in it, though. It's hard to see when you're in it!
@@jennhoff03 You are the only one who said this truth. It's the very thing that makes emotional abuse terrible.
some emotional abusers don't even know they are being abusive and are just carrying out a learned behavior that has gotten them what they wanted in the past. This is often true of kids who's parents would give them what they wanted if they threw a tantrum.
👍👍
my dad is exactly like this
And some people who feel they are abused only feel that way cause other people tell and make a big deal out of things that arent that big of a deal and will label themselves as abused in order to abuse someone else.
@@lampad4549 I mean the victim mentality is often adopted by abusers as an excuse for their abusive behavior, that much is true, but "you are making a bigger deal of this than it actually is" is also a tactic used by both abusers and enablers to gaslight the abused into thinking the abuse is ok or atleast minimize how bad it is. So "it isn't that big of a deal" is language that should be avoided when talking about abuse because an emotionally abusive person is never going to stop playing the victim no matter what you tell them, but many people who are being emotionally abused are actually looking for ways to justify the relationship to themselves and liable to latch onto "oh it's not that big of a deal" and then stay in that abusive relationship for longer than they would have if they did not hear that language.
My autistic ex was exactly like that. He had no concept of how his horrible behavior negatively affected everyone around him. And was very resistant to hearing that his behavior was harmful. He instead blamed everyone else
To all who have and are currently suffering from emotional abuse: You ARE worth it! You have unique gifts, and wonderful qualities!
Okay, so the only slight issue I take is the lack of eye contact one. While this CAN be a sign, it can also be someone's truama response or a sign if someone is Neurodivergent. I'm autistic, so eye contact is difficult and deeply uncomfortable for me, but that doesn't mean I don't care about my loved ones or friends.
Yeah I’ve had trouble making eye contact with people my whole life
VERY good pont. Glad someone said it
Especially as autistic people are much more likely to be abused
I take "refusal to make eye contact" differently than *difficulty* making eye contact. The attitude is very very different. As someone who has dealt with emotional abuse from the first, it's usually dismissive and goes like this: They walk out of the room while I'm telling them how hurt I am. They say "ohhhh are you going to CRY about it?" which may make me cry and I'll say "why are you being so mean? Please, lets talk about this?" Then they'll groan and lay down and ignore me. I'll beg them to look at me and listen to me and they'll be like "I AM listening" while staring at the ceiling spacing out and zoning me out.
So yes, refusal to make eye contact can be very abusive. That being said, difficulty making eye contact is very very different and someone who is genuinely having a hard time will not come off as abusive in my opinion
Agreed. It is usually like a very intentional dismissal. Like a walk out of the room or a change of topic to something less serious.
1:50 I needed to know this. Cause all this time I thought I was crazy to think that parents, siblings basically FAMILY can emotionally abuse you.
"YoU arE sO sEnsiTivE''
Just live with the voices in ur mind, they can help plan ahead of fools that would cause harm mental or otherwise. Why give money if u have no money to give? If pple are going to be repetitive when u try to say/explain something, ignore them, they have no mindset to listen or trust ur words. Ignore the ones who ignore u & just plan within ur plans to make a lie & keep going till u have everything in ur web of lies
I’m always afraid of doing this to people because it’s so normal where I’m from.
I can relate that. The best way I found is to be as nice to people as I can be. Always paying attention to my thoughts.
my aunt married a man with bipolar disorder that didn’t want to get cured. i remember when she used to invite my family at her house, her husband used to scream at her and at my cousin. she always looked scared of him and i could’ve see fear in her eyes. but, fortunately, my dad this summer helped my aunt to get rid of him and denounced him. my aunt got through all of that for more than 10 years and never asked for help until my dad and mom checked up on her.
Love the illustrations conveying both the whimsy and darkness of emotional abuse. In my experience emotional abuse is being on a roller coaster (highs n lows) but the abuser refuses to let you get off the emotional ride.
I was emotionally and physically abused by my mother. It's all true what they say here. The mistakes you make afterwards when you deal with the lasting symptoms can be terrible deals too. Do not be trapped with someone who doesn't offer you good. And do not shy from people who DO offer you good.
@Seven Inches of Throbbing Pink Jesus damn that was more graphic than it needed to be. Hope you are feeling lighter after sharing it.
I'm good guys I wouldn't do that add me up if u want?
Abusers may aim to avoid household chores or exercise total control of family finances. Abusers can be very manipulative, often recruiting friends, law officers and court officials, and even the victim's family to their side, while shifting blame to the victim.
About avoiding the household chores or exercise total control of family finances are true, I just realised that
I just escaped an abusive relationship. These videos soothe my mind and help me process what the last 4 years of my life has been.
this is so important, watch out for the red flags and stay safe out there
Why am I thinking it’s just normal for someone to mistreat or even badmouth you and then continue to be present with no shame or guilt. We need to get rid of those people.
my father has been abusing me emotionally since ever and just now i realize that i do the same to my brothers sometimes thinking my criticism will help them improve
after watching this video i feel like i really need to rethink about my habit of harsh criticism because i dont wanna be like father
Just remember when dealing with your brothers:, there's criticism and there's constructive criticism.
And also it's fine to tell someone that something they have *done* is wrong, but never fine to tell someone *they* are wrong.
Criticism is a part of life and it can hurt, but if it's grounded in a real problem and follows the rules of respect and trying to improve something then it is absolutely necessary.
I grew up in a very similar situation. Although the abuser was my mother, I was often critical of my younger brothers without realizing. I'm still not sure why, although I think deep down it had something to do with wanting to please my mother by emulating her, or not knowing that my brothers were being judged unfairly because I hadn't been taught any other way. They suffered more abuse than I did, and every problem was blamed on them, so it was hard for them to break out of that mould themselves.
My point is, it can take time to learn how to treat people differently when you were taught by a bad example. It's especially hard if your father is expecting you to treat your brothers harshly. But my best advice would be to not only try and give your brothers some slack, but be patient with yourself too as you try to improve your relationship with them. It's really hard to break out of an abusive mould, especially if you still live with your father, but you've already grown so much just recognizing that the situation you and your siblings are in is not okay. Also, try to approach your brothers privately and be especially kind to them when your father isn't around. They will appreciate your efforts, even if you wish you could do more. If you need to talk or need some resources to help you survive this situation while you still have to live in it, let me know. I promise I won't judge you.
@@radicalpaddyo Depends on the context of the situation whether it's fine to tell someone they have done wrong. If someone is doing something that doesn't hurt you or others, mind your business or ask questions rather than pass judgement. How we perceive a situation may not be all of the information, so essentially "judging" someone's behavior as "wrong" may be a you problem, not a them problem. For example, we skipped on Christmas last year with the family to do our own thing. My partner's sister thought we shouldn't have done that and told us so. It's not her business and we weren't wrong in our decision; she just didn't agree with it. I have 4 siblings. Never in my life would I ever try to tell them they were making bad choices over something that ultimately doesn't affect me.
@@starsaur6664 thnx for sharing your experience
i think i criticize my brothers harshly because of my assumptions about my father, he is an alcoholic narcissist and a very good actor he becomes a nice soft boy in front of our relatives and his friends and turns into a demon when they go
everyone likes him nobody ever tells him to stop drinking or find a job that is why i just point out the things people do wrong thinking it would ultimately be good for them
i was always an obedient son so always did what he said and this very fact is the most painful when i think about how he has been treating me
i was the topper in my college for the first two semesters when the third semester started i asked for money for books he gathered our relatives and started telling that he is now old (he was 38 then) he cant work and pay for his expenses rather he should be working and supporting me
all the relatives agreed
i was getting bullied in the college too for being a lower cast ( casts are an indian thing)
i thought i will work as construction labor so i went to my uncles they are small contractors i asked for work but no one gave me work becoz i dont look physically strong
all of this made me depressed i was having trust issues because everyone seemed to be betraying me i lost interest in everything thinkin that i am a lower cast boy even if i become educated get a good job i am never gonna be respected i felt that excellence has no value
i was thinking about killing myself everyday i went on for three years people in india think depression is not real but i think it is
then during the covid lockdown an indian actor committed suicide and.. what indian media out of his death made me realize that even death is not the end of misery
so i thought of trying to come back to life i am learning game development from internet so many people (they are gods actually) are teaching in on youtube for free also epic games is giving so many assets for free so i dont have to worry about the art but i can focus on programming which is my strength
since few days tho i was feeling very demotivated thinking even if i make a game will it even change anything i have no money for marketing so maybe no one ever plays it i dont have a college degree or formal education so i dont think i will get any job for making a game but when i am writing this i think i should complete it XD without worrying about the outcomes
thanks a lot for letting me just say i feels so good after writing this
i have no one to talk about this
so thank you stranger :)
and i will be careful while criticizing anyone because i dont want to hurt anybody like father
That's the first step
I can state without a doubt that my entire life has been affected by emotional abuse that started when I was young child. It affected me so detrimentally, that not only have I had no meaningful relationships other than "family" but I also still find myself stubbornly "attached" and looking for approval from those in my "family". I believe intervention is very important early in life otherwise self-denying behaviors will slowly become set in stone. Therapy may help but it may not ever be as good as actual friendship, love, valuation, and confirmation of one's viable existence. Therapists are not any of those, at best they might be useful tools towards a solution. The first 10 years of life are the most important.
Woo boy, the amount of times I have been called "selfish" and "rude" in my youth was so toxic. Asking for help and forgetting things were "selfish". She always thought just the slightest tone meant hidden meanings I was dancing around (even if I was as blunt as I could be) or rudeness. She would give me the silent treatment when she decided I was being too much to handle, to the point where I thought it was an acceptable response to give the silent treatment when someone didn't respect my emotional boundaries (once I did have those boundaries, that is). I suspect there might have been enmeshment and trauma bonding because she is diagnosed with PTSD and I have symptoms of both PTSD and CEN (I haven't been officially diagnosed yet). I can't even look people in the eye for long periods of time anymore because I have a violent shaking response to it. It took me a long time to realize that as long as I try my honest best to be respectful and I grow from my mistakes, I can socialize and meet a lot of really nice and interesting people who like me for who I am. I used to think that I was terrible at socializing, but that was the gaslighting speaking. Don't let your abuse define you, it's never justified, even if you have sympathy with the abuser it's not right and you should do your best to get out as safe as possible, even if it's a slow process. Some people won't change and whether or not it's their fault, you're responsible for yourself first.
What’s been tough is realizing that I was emotionally abused throughout my relationship with someone. Looking back now, I’m able to see that their best friends were enablers as well. I know it was all unintentional, all of them had good intentions, but intentions don’t matter if your words and actions are actively harming someone. I hope they can realize their patterns and improve themselves. I will work on healing and becoming better myself.
My folks said emotional problems weren't real and I believed them until I was 18. I was on the verge of suicide because I thought something was wrong with me.
Don't let this happen. Know when you're suffering, and let people know. You may be against those that objectify this, but this is the time you must push past it, and seek help. You CAN love yourself, it's possible, it WILL happen.
There's nothing wrong with you and you will heal and meet better people in life because you deserve it. Don't you ever give up on yourself I'm rooting for you
I love my mom, after all, she's been the only one who has cared for me and my 4 siblings. However, we always knew she was emotionally abusive, still is. After she stopped using physical punishment, gaslighting has been her go-to weapon. Just when we think she'll change, we bring up instances from the past and she assures that what we remember is wrong, even if literally 6 other people remember the exact same thing. I would like to know what goes through the mind of an abuser, I just can't seem to understand my mom and love her at the same time
I feel you🙌🏾🙌🏾
all parents are in a different proportion, emotional abusive. With no exception. Whom is saying otherwise is also a narcissist.
I know all about my emotional abuse.. My own mother inflicted it on me for decades, until she died. I've only just determined thru reading, re-reading, processing and reprocessing that she was a raging narcissist who gaslit anyone and anything she came in contact with. She sought to make people miserable and bring them down as she couldn't see people happy so she'd do what I called the 'bottom rung of the ladder' treatment so that she could speak down to you, as you'd been forced down onto the bottom rung of the ladder. I also now have Complex PTSD for the years of emotional abuse via her narcissism and perpetual threats to commit suicide starting when I was 6-7. I'm glad she's gone.
No matter what and whom we sould never be happy about anyone's death. You can just give no reaction but please don't disrespect someone like that. I do not want to bring relegion in this conversation. But please don't feel happy about pain and end of someone's life no matter the circumstances, that is a useful way to prevent yourself from doing same things as they did. May she rest in peace and I hope you can understand what I am saying. I am not trying to be mean or rude to you I can understand the situation. And accomplish your dreams, don't let anyone stop you. My regards to you. I don't know who you are or from where but I wish you a great luck towards your future with kindness. Don't feel bad for the mistakes of anyone's of they have realized it, it means they have improved from the past self. Stay happy and seek help from your trustworthy people if needed. Have a great life and be great.
All the clarification on questioning being emotionally abused by pointing out that it’s slow process that can have you questioning if it really is or isn’t or bringing up the fact that emotional abuse isn’t always happening 100% of the time really helps some of us in the whirlwind of this kind of relationship get a grasp on it. Sometimes the sweet, loving moments which at times were more often than the abuse always had me questioning my perspective of the relationship. But that bad times were so much worse and memorable. I literally feel like I have PTSD from 4 years of dealing with a narcissist ex…
As a survivor, this is hard to watch, but I also feel extremely grateful to Ted-Ed for making this beautifully done video about a subject that is rarely talked about in our discourse, and yet so profoundly important to those who suffer from it. It also helped remind me of how far I've come.
I noticed the author of this video is probably Vietnamese, and I've found it to be not uncommon for Viet people to have close relatives who exhibit emotional abuse-possibly the result of deep, intergenerational trauma caused by the war, poverty, and other issues brought on by centuries of colonial and authoritarian subjugation.
With respect to what you said about the Vietnamese, it could also probably attribute to having a collectivist culture, as in the case of most South and South-East Asian countries. Coming from an Indian that was culturally taught my mom is always right.
@@damunaik4 Yes, you're completely right about this as well. At least in Vietnam, social and family structures have strict hierarchies and power dynamics that sometimes don't allow for the kind of boundaries and emotional space necessary for healthy relationships.
It's also worth mentioning that the cultural displacement inherent in diaspora (as in the case of many Vietnamese immigrants) may also contribute to, or compound, tendencies for abusive relationships.
I appreciate the insight on your own experience, and the point you mentioned about your mom is not unrecognizable in our culture. Not sure if you are going through challenges, but if you are, I hope you've been able to heal, and know that things do get better as you find healthy ways to deal with them.
I'm not Vietnamese but I also felt this.
War is brutal. It creates traumas buried deep in families that are never talked about. I had a Croatian friend whose family moved to the US because of the Yugoslavian war and her family was the same as yours and mine.
True true true 📍🕊️
4:20 " While emotional abusers may convince people that they deserve to be mistreated, NOBODY does.
EVERYONE deserves Kindness & Respect."
🙆🌄
I was emotionally abused for a while by someone I thought was my friend, I tried justifying it and even defending them and blaming myself for it. I eventually couldn’t take it anymore, so I opened up about it to loved ones and then to authorities and they handled the situation. I had to put a restraining order bc it was getting physical, it wasn’t the outcome I would have wanted but it is what I need and I feel a lot lighter and happier.
"Everyone deserves kindness and respect " ♥♥
my love for ted ed just doubled, so happy they're discussing this
Some days ago, I realised that I was and still am emotinally abused. All the gaslighting, all the words he said, everything just makes me anxious.
Yes, I understand, he, my father, got pshycally abused as a child, but why did he go out of his way to emotinally abuse me? Why? Wouldn't you at least try to treat others difrent then how your abuser treated you?
Because I certanly will. I will be nothing like you, I shall never abuse my child. I don't want anyone to go through abuse.
Thank you for reading, I wish you a good day/evening!
I've been on both sides of this coin so many times, and it's frustrating to think I have ever caused another person the harm I've experienced myself. We live in an age of exploration when it comes to mental health and abuse. But so little actual knowledge on how to change our own abusive patterns healthily. I hope the future holds those answers more firmly.
I don't have kids so it made it easier when I left my wife because I saw these signs. I'm glad this video cements what I felt. Some people aren't willing to put in even 1% of effort, but expect 100% from you. Find someone that appreciates you for who you are and be proud of yourself. Relationships aren't always 50/50 fair, but it should be clear that both you and your partner are willing to go the extra mile for each other. At the end of the day, your partner is your family so treat them with love and the respect they deserve
Such an incredible and well-animated video. You've outdone yourself again Ted-Ed. 🔥🔥
ALSO, one thing to remember is that sometimes the abusers don't know that they are the abuser. That's why it's so hard to detect and change
This was so informative. I saw many people suffering their whole life from emotional abuse. It can simply cause irrecoverable damages to someone's mental health when they experienced the abuse in their childhoods. As said in the clip, calling a specialist or therapist would be great, and it has to be treated as soon as possible.
You don’t know how much this video means to me. From someone whose been emotional abused for a long time, it really means something when it’s recognized as something harmful. The amount of times I’ve been told that I’m too sensitive or i over react is more common than gaining support. Reaching out is terrifying because majority of the time people don’t understand it or don’t take it as seriously as physical abuse. It would be great if there were more videos that focused on this topic.
As a Vietnamese , thank you, this video made me feel glad knowing another Vietnamese is talking about it because it’s a real issue and is very common. It happens a lot wether you know about it or not
It hurts to watch this.
In my early adulthood, I've always known that a part of me is damaged.
Took me years to understand that it's a product from years of emotional abuse.
And it took me years to gather the courage, to understand and to acknowledge this:
the very person that hurt me the most, is my own mother.
I'm isolating myself from my family, because it hurts so so much.
No one seemed to understand the pain, and no one seemed to understand my suffering.
I guessed that it's a price to pay, to be born in a Chinese family.
I've not spoken with anyone of my family for more than ten years.
I remember trying to reached out, to my cousins, to my sister, to someone.
But my feelings were denied, just like how I was being denied.
When I was seven, I was this skinny and timid kid.
One day, I told my mom that I was bullied in school.
She took out the cane, and beat me up real bad, leaving me with cane marks.
She purposely leaved them on the most obvious locations, where no clothes could cover.
She believed that, if I don't 'disturbed' others, they will not retaliate.
The next day, when the bullies saw me with cane marks, they know that they can do whatever they want, with no consequences.
And for the rest of my life in school, I've always been a target of all kinds of abuse.
Even the unthinkable.
If there's anything that I couldn't do in this life, it'll be to forgive my very own mother.
It still hurts.
It hurts a lot.
You were a victim, but you’re also a survivor. A good therapist can help you find tools to overcome your pain. I don’t know what your situation is, but there are counselors online worldwide. If you don’t connect with one, try another. If you have mental health resource hotlines please call!
I am so sorry that this happened to you 😣 may you find healing and peace
I am so sorry for all you have been put through and suffered. I understand being Asian and had this abusive relationship with my so called mother. I found peace when I cut her and toxic family out of my life. You deserve much much better. You can give yourself that. You do not have to forgive someone who hurt you repeatedly and shows no remorse. Focus on yourself and the beautiful life you can and will have. Please read books on Complex Trauma. There are others I have that have helped that help you understand as I graduated in Social Work. If it was up to my mother I would not be alive but I made it out alive barely at 15 and I'm living now. You can do it ❤️
A chronic abuser is often a Narcissist…or worse. Thank you for your video
It took me a long time to realised I had been abused by both my parents. I don't know if themselves were aware of the damage they did but gaslighting was prevalent.
For me it was my father :')
@@aprilrahee what did he do?
I really love this video! It does an excellent job of illustrating those major points of manipulation, gaslighting, and eroding one’s sense of self worth. I especially like that it points out that an abuser doesn’t engage in abuse 100% of the time, and moments of calm don’t invalidate the abuse. That’s crucial to understand! I experienced emotional abuse at the hands of my mother and I think I’m just now truly starting to comprehend how profound the effects of that abuse have been on me and my life and I’m in my 40’s! A short video really can make a big impact!
i would even go beyond saying "everyone Deserves kindness and respect" and say that the concept of "deserving", or the concept of meritocracy when it comes to human needs, should not even be applied. healthy relationships are a human need, a psycho-social need. we are a bio-psycho-social organism, with bio-psycho-social needs.
My story is that I lived in a dormitory from when I was 11 until I was 14, we lived in a boarding school. In the time I was there, it was incredibly lonely and I have experienced all four types of the abuse from all corners. It was very difficult to process. Many kids would ignore me because I was different, and my roommates would always gaslight me or give me unsolicited advice when I only wanted to be left alone. I never felt safe, I never had the privacy I needed. I often had to lock my belongings in case someone stole it or accuse me of stealing, I have thought of buying a small surveillance camera but it wasnt available :( Sometimes I would go hungry at night, so I would store candy in my room. This all happened in California from 2015-2019. I want to sue the school but I can’t because we don’t have enough money. Abuse is everywhere people.
This made me cry to be honest.....I had struggled for a long time under the thumb of my parents' emotional abuse and the part about being made to feel like I was the crazy one just made my heart break all over again. It's part of the reason why I got a degree in psychology so I could help those with no support system. I had no one until recently, and I never want another child to grow up like that. I suffer from PTSD, Depression and take medication for my anxiety but I do now have a healthy support system. I just hope everyone going through this knows they are not alone. ❤ God bless
I cried, too.
Everyone deserves kindness and respect and no one should be mistreated
Facto also: you can be emotionally abused by multiple people at once.
I was, by 5 people.
"You aren't worth as much as your younger brother." Greath grandmother.
"Another excuse!" My mother on explaining how I experienced the world.
"You aren't being bullied.", art teacher.
"...", father, always absent, doesn't talk to me.
"There is nothing wrong with you, don't make a fuss!", doctors on my hypoproprioception issues.
I've gone through this over and over I called the person out and said this emotional abuse, the person denied that it's abuse, silent treatments follows, times go by where it's great but then it starts again best is to leave
Wouldn’t have known what I was going through if I didn’t have my very best friend there to help me out of it.
As someone who has been emotionally abused for many years... this video is spot on.
Don’t underestimate the power of standing up for yourself. I guarantee you, they only do it because you ignore it. Don’t be the victim all your life. Yeah, it’s not your job to teach people how to behave, but it’s your job to take a stand for yourself.
I have lived with this abuse for 23 years. I am exhausted.
Yes,me too.I just got told he doesn't love me,and is leaving. Devastation. Trying not to fall apart. I gave my all,did my best,...but I now must build myself a new life.I feel so broken-hearted,but I will survive.
I simply said, "What are you 10 year old? Giving me silent treatment. If you can't talk it out just go on be a child." This actually worked. The person started talking.
A lot of such videos talk about avoiding such people, but when it is our own mom, dad, sibling or grandparents we can't escape and all we can do is fight or stay quiet.
Bang on!
Urgent step - leave the abuser and never look back.
I know for a fact that I've been emotionally abusive to a person. I feel extremely terrible about hurting them and don't know what should I possibly do.
Find a counselor or therapist to work through why you feel the need to act and speak as you do, and how to change it. Often, abusers are trying to control to minimize discomfort or chaos (external, internal). With patience and work, you can create an environment that allows you both to breathe and build each other up rather than feel defeated all the time.
im glad you recognised it. good luck on your self improvement journey
I've been finding myself invalidating my own experiences and feelings, but this reminded me that what happened to me was emotional abuse and that it was not okay.
This was a nice video, my mother is fantastic at emotional manipulation and gaslighting, im 20 now and got through my childhood by blocking out everything just to get through the day but now im emotional stable and can look back at all that ive blocked just to realize how little affection I was “rewarded” because I refused to jump through their hoops. If you are going through this, Everything will be ok, find a way away from it and learn from their mistakes on how now to treat others because you know how much they can damage. Love all of you ❤️❤️❤️ have a great day 😁
EVERYONE deserves kindness and respect. ❤️
it's hard when someone you confide with is the one who emotionally abused you, in very discreet way.
Thanks for this I've been emotionally abused most of my life and I'm slowly getting to know myself worth
I haven’t been so early to the channel and I’m happy to see this topic being discussed.
All of those abusers framed me for everything and until now, justice is not for me
I was in a relationship, where I emotionally abused someone and i am so sorry to former partner, and Im so sorry for anyone who went or is going through this
I didn’t realise what I was doing until it was too late
Thank you Ted-Ed.
I suffered from a groomer many years ago that did all of these things. While I got out of it without any outside resources or vids telling me the signs (this was the age before TH-cam and spread of proper information online), I hope someone is saved because of this video.
Please know, you're not alone. Other people survive these relationships, and you can too.
If you consider reaching out to someone you suspect is going through stuff like this, I have had a positive experience with this strategy:
Go to the house of the abused without letting him know in advance.
Refuse to answer questions and start telling your own story (If you haven't been through this yourself, you probably wouldn't have reached out in the first place.)
Cry and hug a lot.
I'm forever thankful to my mom who got me out of emotional abuse from my grandma (and dad), however because of the long-term emotional abuse most of my life I struggle to be with friends or find and be in a relationship or use every of my opportunity to do something more than what I am doing in life, and I also struggle with self-worth, always feeling like I deserve to be mistreated and hated every time I did something bad, whether its intentional or not. But thankfully, I am healing from this kind of abuse and I have good friends in college.
They always come with a masterpiece in their videos ❤
I just broke things off with a man that I really cared about when the patterns of how he spoke to me became apparent. I did not deserve his name calling and rudeness. 100% it was abuse and no amount of gaslighting will make me unsee it. I’m proud of myself for dodging a bullet.
What's worse is when they are physical, I remember a time when I was around 10 I did something that did not warrant the amount of physical beating my dad gave me, it reached a point we're even my mom tried to shield me from him and he lashed out on her, then when he was done he called me into he's room and had a huge smile on his face, telling me how much of a good kid I was and how much he cared for me, and told me he'll never be that aggressive like that again, but boy was I wrong.
Did you beat him up for that?
@@mclegomods6402 No, but cut him out of every aspect of my life.
@@michealsmith4629 Meh, you are nowhere near Doomguy-level badass.
Sometimes... Seeking help is the greatest self help!
The animation is honestly wonderful. It's really impactful and does a great job illustrating what's being talked about
Thank you for the reminder that emotional abuse isn't a constant. My mom thinks she's been doing the right things, and while she does abuse me she also provides support. However, that shouldn't invalidate the fact that some of her actions have been harmful. It is possible for me to both appreciate her and to want to move far away.
Honestly I feel you🙌🏾🙌🏾
I think its important to mention that its not always verbal. Like with the silence treatment, the abuser often lets you figure out that you are something wrong... the things you figure out yourself tend to stay in your mind more easily. When the abuser realises that you are no longer feeling bad, "it" will try to be kind once more, best way to cope is to pretend to fall for it and ignore the abuser as much as you can afterwards. This will save you from micro abusing (big phsyco stares and other stuff), since the abuser will feel in total control of you. Im not an expert tho, still experimenting lel.
I only realized that my parents and brother have been emotionally and physically abusing me for as long as I can remember just last month. I realized it after my online and irl friends explained to me that the treatment I was getting daily (being berated, mocked, manipulated, gaslighted, guilt tripped, and the stabbing of my arm (just once. It was the event that opened my eyes to my situation at home)) was emotional, mental and physical abuse.
With their help, I’ve been doing my best to heal from the abuse. Without my friends, I wouldn’t have considered any of this as abuse, and would still be thinking that it’s something I’ve done to deserve all of this. I’m always going to be grateful for them.
It's crazy how many parents emotionally abuse their children. No wonder our society is full of mental illness. It's a cycle that keeps continuing.
Great answer.
Hmmm😔
I burst into tears watching this. It's what I needed years ago.
Narration and animation in the video both are supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
Emotional abuse is bitterest experience in our life. Please always respect others 🙏
Everytime I sees video like this I feel I have abused someone..... even though i didnt mean to i genuinely loved them and will always respect them . It's just that we all do what we think is right.....
Edit :- I was just 15 when I did this , to someone who was 16.
You are brave that you acknowledge this. I hope you won't do it intentionally.
The "You should be grateful" comment really hit close to home.
Another key sign of abuse is how the abuser treats other people and even you in public. They may have a great reputation and be well respected in your community and extended family, and they always praise you when talking about you to other people. But, if that praise is never said to you in private, and if they consistently demean you when they wouldn't if other people were watching, and if they never show you the same consistent kindness and patience they give anyone else, that is abuse. Also, abuse is occuring when someone says or does very hurtful things to another person and then claim it was self defense, even though they were far more aggressive than any of the original actions.
Literally, there's nothing on the internet or anyone can say to refer to a bad person, toxic person, controlling or manipulative person that my girlfriend doesn't fit its bill.🥶🥶
My previous manager was literally like this. Good thing I tried to be reassigned. We should never forget to value ourselves before other people do.
it is also known as narcissism... experienced it with my mother throughout my childhood and adulthood until we parted ways
I hear you. 👊🤗
I agree many abusers have NPD but I think it’s important to clarify that not every abuser is a narcissist.