18 False Beliefs of People Raised with Emotional Neglect in Adulthood | Dr. Jonice Webb
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 มิ.ย. 2024
- To learn much more about how Childhood Emotional Neglect happens and affects you through your adult life, sign up for my CEN Breakthrough Series: bit.ly/cenbreakthrough17
To find out if you grew up with CEN, take the Emotional Neglect test. It’s free: bit.ly/entest
To learn much more about how to gain the skills you missed due to Childhood Emotional Neglect check out my bestselling book, Running on Empty, for just $10: bit.ly/runningonemptybook
Find out more about Emotional Neglect at: www.emotionalneglect.com.
In this video, I’ll share with you the 18 messages that you receive over and over from emotionally neglectful parents and how those messages become the internal beliefs that you operate from through your adult life. I’ll also describe how Childhood Emotional Neglect or CEN comes across to the child, and why you receive those 18 messages in the first place.
CEN Breakthrough Video Series:
1. Emotional Neglect: How to Recognize it, Why it’s Invisible, And How it Affects You | Dr. Jonice Webb:
• Emotional Neglect: How...
2. Emotional Neglect: 4 Subtle but Painful Things You May Have Missed Growing Up | Dr. Jonice Webb
• Emotional Neglect: 4 S...
3. Emotional Neglect: How it Can Make it Hard to Recognize Your Emotions | Dr. Jonice Webb
• Emotional Neglect: How...
4. Emotional Neglect: 5 Ways it can Affect Your Emotional Intelligence | Dr. Jonice Webb
• Emotional Neglect: 5 W...
5. Emotional Neglect: How to Connect with Yourself and Find Your Voice | Dr. Jonice Webb
• Emotional Neglect: How...
6. Emotional Neglect: What Most Therapists Don’t Know and How to Find One Who Does | Dr. Jonice Webb
• Emotional Neglect: Wha...
7. Emotional Neglect: Use These 10 Affirmations to Reparent Yourself | Dr. Jonice Webb
• Emotional Neglect: Use...
8. Emotional Neglect: Lack of Self-Discipline? It might be Self Neglect Instead | Dr. Jonice Webb
• Emotional Neglect: Lac...
9. Emotional Neglect: How it Impacts Your Love Relationships | Dr. Jonice Webb
• Emotional Neglect: How...
10. Emotional Neglect: Jumpstart Your Healing by Doing These 3 Things | Dr. Jonice Webb
• Emotional Neglect: Jum...
00:00 Introduction
00:40 How CEN happens
03:05 CEN Adults
03:33 10 Common Struggles
07:00 Feeling Empty
08:10 18 False Assumptions
10:50 Next Steps
12:30 Conclusion
To learn much more about how Childhood Emotional Neglect happens and affects you through your adult life, sign up for my CEN Breakthrough Series: bit.ly/cenbreakthrough17
To find out if you grew up with CEN, take the Emotional Neglect test. It’s free: bit.ly/entest
To learn much more about how to gain the skills you missed due to Childhood Emotional Neglect check out my bestselling book, Running on Empty, for just $10: bit.ly/runningonemptybook
Find out more about Emotional Neglect at: www.emotionalneglect.com.
Appreciate you reading comment.
In the last week, from a professional (MH) in a summary discharge letter, that I have ASD like presentation.
I totally resegnate with this.
I know after 59 years almost of being aware of constant struggle of life, that this observation of Autism Spectrum Disorder (I hate these labels - it's NOT a "Disorder") it's a way of the mind coping with the experience which is Life, sensitive and intuitive. The childhood emotional neglect is also a part of it too, on top of ASD.
i'm 60. it would have been helpful to see this video 40 years ago. i have struggled my whole life. i would read every self help book i could as i knew something wasnt right. i never had money to see a therapist. only relatively recently did i figure that emotional neglect was the root cause. its kinda late in life now so i try to forgive myself and be ok with my life and the way i am. i pass by all these homeless people and think to myself that i bet every one of them has similar struggles.i feel i never had a chance to truly thrive for all those reasons you explain.
I feel as if no one knows me. Then to hear yourself being described in painful detail is shattering. Insights and connections that have never been obvious to me. The loneliness of feeling you did this to yourself.
I know just what you mean. It's kind of hard to realize this. We all put a face on to the world to survive, while carrying around a heavy burden. know that there are many of us around.
I have never been able to accept love in all my life because of my parents absolute disregard for any feelings I had. When I was four I announced that I could look after myself. I’ve been trying to ever since, making sure I never rely on anyone. I’m 64. Hoping to change things now. Good luck to everyone who is drawn to this video. We matter.
Thank you. It's all so real. I'm 65, newly retired and realizing how empty my life is. Is it too late for me? I have convinced myself that I am independent and really don't need anyone. I think I'm avoiding disappointment by keeping people away. Thank you ❤
I am exactly the same way. 🤔🤷♀️
Me too. When I retired I no longer interacted with other people, my children are grown and live in another state, I don’t have a significant other and have very few real friendships. I am bored with life and don’t feel like I have a purpose anymore. Your books and videos have helped me identify the reason for my solitary lifestyle is CEN. Thank you.
I am 65 and a widow. I feel exactly like you do.
Same, 67
Thank you for this video. I've purchased both your books as well. Every time I watch one of your videos I start to feel like I want to cry, but tell myself that that's silly. I'm about to turn 75 and it's been a very difficult journey feeling so 'hollow' all that time. I'm nearly there in taking that first step. Thank you for the work you' get e put into your videos.
It's ok and not silly to feel like you want to cry, and to cry. It's hard not to get overwhelmed and sad when you realize things. I'm not a therapist, but a person who has gone through a lot, too. You will make it. Be good to yourself. You are worth it. :) Best wishes.
I’m 62 & have been learning about this for about 5 years. I have both books, I watch videos, go to a therapist who doesn’t understand, but I don’t work on myself bc I don’t believe I can change. You’ve encouraged me!
Worst thing for a parent not to see you....
1: Emptiness
2: Fear of depending on someone
3: Lack of knowing one's self
4: Poor compassion for self
5: Tendicity towards guilt or shame
6: Too much self-anger and blame
7: Deep sense of flogged or different from others
8: Problems with self-care
9: Problems with self-discipline
10: Difficulty on how emotions work in general
I've said 6/18 of the things you mentioned. I started telling myself that I deserve nice things, not hand-me-downs, I deserve a fruitful life, my life has meaning, I'm not ashamed of how I'm wired, etc. My mom really didn't want me to emote much growing up.
Thanks for typing that out; I screenshotted it because sometimes it’s a lot of effort to get up and go find something to write with and something to write on. Also, beautiful cat on your profile pic. My orange cat was just sitting on me and purring; made me feel better. My wife and I have three cats and no dogs, but I know dogs, and our orange cat was a dog in a past life. No doubt.
7. Deep sense of flawed or different from others.
❤
Parentified childhere with personality disordered parents. I love them bothso much, but dear God did it do a number on me.
I'm 60. This is upending my world. The life Ive built has been built on 18 assumptions. I'm scared to death how this will affect the people who I love and who love me now.
It is a hard realization. I am your age, and although I knew about my troubled upbringing for forever, putting a finger on CEN helped bring things into focus on the whys. wishing you well.
Yes, it says everything I notice about myself. My number age, body age, is 59. And before knowing all this now, I have damaged my mind, psychologically, further, as punishment, as I was unaware of all of this, in this particular video. My mind is so messed now, the damage happens automatically. A kind of insanity. All because I didn't know, for 58 f years.
I pray those who realise it sooner will move forward. 🌹
I don't have any of those false beliefs yet I was neglected to the point of abuse. Emotions was the m.o. in my house, an emotional chaos of screams, insults, blaming, punishment, etc. It was a variety of mental dysfunctions. The only take away that i carried is that I 'm bad. I'm 68, barely starting to break free of that conviction after 5 decades of therapy. Your work matters.
That empty feeling is a lack of a personal FAITH in Jesus
It’s profoundly helpful to learn about CEN. There’s no blaming; it goes back for generations. There is only the choice to end this now, to not pass it along and to begin immediately to treat the emotions of ourselves and others with attentive dignity. ❤
This has been the most powerful self realization in my entirelife and explains the vast majority of reasons of negative personal experiences. Countless failed relationships awful negative self worth are starting to make sense. Thank you@DrJoniceWebbphd for showing me this
This explains everything I am struggling with in adulthood
Me too
Thank you for your messages. I have all ten struggles you mention. I always wondered where my parents were. I am 79 years old and still struggle. I thought there was something wrong with me that no else experienced. I didn’t know how to use emotions. It has been wonderful to know others experienced this but still feel empty. How can I have lived all these years not knowing this info!
Thank you
Carol
This came to me at the right time, I was neglected and my mother was almost never home and I had to be self sufficient. When you brought up the point about help, it just hit me. I'm now a married adult and my husband and I got into an argument recently because I wouldn't ask him for help for things that actually matter. I guess the realization hit me that I did fear asking for help due to rejection or knowing it just won't happen. Thank you so much ❤️
Don't we wind up incorporating our parents way of "feeling" because it is the only feeling we experienced? A parent who feels life is nothing more than struggle and unhappiness, who never finds joy and fulfillment imprints that view on the child. I don't know how or why it happens, but it is the only explanation I have been able to find for different attitudes about life. We live their lives.
That’s pretty accurate in my experience. My parents had very little joy, grinding every day, with a negative outlook. That pretty much is me, too. I would strive to break that cycle if I ever have children; I’m 37 and my underconfidence in myself has put me in a spot where I’ll be a late-bloomer if my wife and I are successful in having a child. I was alone in my younger years. Of course, in my 20s, I had no idea what CEN was. Maybe the delay is for the better, then.
Well said. It’s stupid and it sucks. I’m doing everything I can to not pass on the depression and negativity down to my sons but I’m failing miserably. I’m hopeful with a new kind of therapy I’m starting soon called Internal Family Systems!
@@Sweetshaunna I have heard good things about IFS. All the best in moving pass your programming. The fact that you are seeking answers is a sign that change is happening. One step at a time.
We don't have to live their lives. I found elderly relatives who would talk and explain why there seemed to be so much pain in the family. Once I learned that I was carrying other people's pain for them, I learned how to let it go. I also found a field of study that keeps me active with others and engages my intellect. For a while I joined every association in my field I could and listened to people who were succeeding in what I wanted to succeed in.. I found like-minded people to hang out with. I'm still turning my life around, but life for me is so much better. It took years of work, but now in my sixties, I have goals and I'm having fun. Trace generational pain, and make sure you're only carrying your own.
I just got your book:) Thanks for mentioning that this could happen with loving parents. I've seen a lot of videos and got the impression this stuff was for people that went through terrible childhoods. My childhood was pretty "normal' so I felt like this stuff didn't apply to me until I saw this. I know my familys religion growing up had a lot to do with it too, so I'm trying to figure out how it all affected me.
3:34 #1 Feeling empty
#2
My childhood emotional experience was like a roller coaster; Mom was either highly focused on my feelings (perhaps to the point of enmeshment) or literally absent (since she suffered from depression/suicidal ideation, as well as many major health issues, which left her in & out of hospitals throughout my youth). Dad was not cold per se, but was stoical and essentially incapable of providing much emotional support due to his own CEN (he lost his mom to cancer at age 5, and no one really helped him process it). The combination always left me believing that my feelings mattered in theory, but not in practice! I remember hearing over & over the question "How's your mom?" and wondering if I would EVER hear "...And how are *YOU* doing (as a child having to deal with that)??" It's sort of a defining part of my childhood pain.
I have had for a long time a good intellectual knowledge of how CEN works and how it has impacted on me. I don't wage war on the part of me that tells myself I am meaningless and useless and don't deserve good things and happy relationships because I find that makes this voice or feeling stronger. Rather I do my best to ignore it and treat myself well. But I still feel very emotionally empty and lonely despite having good friends and a loving family. I still sometimes feel very low - sometimes even suicidal though I would never act on this as it would devastate too many people. The suicidal feelings don't explain themselves. They are just there. I feel like an intellectual "know all" that still often feels like the two year old whose younger sister was born very ill and needed all my parents attention. And was told no - you don't want to see your sister. Hospitals are terrible places. Although I often feel like a two year old I take pains never to behave like one in public or with people I know and I have a job that is very important to me in a charity. I thank you profoundly Dr Webb for your selfless work in this psychologically difficult and demanding area. If I have a question it is how to change the feelings as well as the intellectual self knowledge and build an ever strengthening bridge between head and heart.
Thank you, Dr. Webb, for this video. I think my parents believed that emotions were unimportant, or worse, that emotions are the source of life's difficulties I still carry the belief that I should not ask for help, because help is not coming.
I have a very strong belief that my feelings do not matter.
Omg. I had/have all of those signs in each category. I did not know about CEN, that it is considered a ? Syndrome? Wow! I've known for a long time how messed up my family was. I'm still screwed up. Thanks
My husband introduced me to your lectures. Wow! Something really resonated with us both. After 30 years together, we finally realise what is still getting in the way of what should be a blissful and fulfilling relationship. We love each other to distraction but we have managed to hurt each other so much on so many occasions. It all makes sense now and we are both working with what you are saying. Thank you so much for taking the time to put these online.
I have said most of those things to myself, and I have had 9 of the 10 things from the list. The only one that wasn’t me was the third one, not knowing one’s self. I definitely know myself, perhaps a little too good, and I know I need to be well. Not asking for help was me at one point, but I’ve gotten past that. So I’ve knocked it back to 8 out of 10. It’s progress; I’m depressed with some bipolar so I guess I feel optimistic today, because I feel like addressing some of these things going on within myself. Like the Doctor said: I’m going to learn as much about CEN as I can. I had no idea it was even a thing until about a year ago.
Resonated and helpful. What is more helpful is I repeated the pattern with my children but we are fixing this together now. Hoping to change generational issues
My first time seeing your posts. Both parents were alcoholic narcissists. My experience with their neglect was not passive passive. It was overt relentless bullying and abuse and gaslighting. Those beliefs and lack of emotion were survival techniques
Crying along with the rest of y'all. Sorta can't believe that everybody doesn't feel this way/believe this stuff. Been working on it for decades but recently tried some bio-energetics type of stuff - which is good for me because you can't intellectualize your way out of it. I think I finally understand that emotions are a REAL thing that happen TO you, not an idea that you think up - like they're not optional, and they're not something you can control - so it's not your fault that you have them. I mean, you can try to make them go away by "going numb," and you get to decide how to react to them, but you don't get a choice about having them. Intellectually I knew that, but I just never really accepted it before. So like, when someone asks you what you feel, it's not actually a process of analyzing, or thinking, or deciding, or figuring out, (or trying to say the right thing so you'll pass as "normal") it's an awareness of what's going on inside you... like you actually feel the emotions in your body... and they're REAL. Mind totally blown.
I've just becoming aware of emotional neglect through estrangement from my daughter and grandchildren 😢. Thank you for sharing in words what I couldn't grasp yet. You said what I couldn't. I just turned 69 yrs. Been lost except for my faith in Jesus all my life. I so want to be able to live whole. May you have the same outcome 😊
Ohhhh Janice 😢 after listening to this lesson, my heart is beyond grieved. I thought I was doing a good job raising my one and only precious son that I love more than anything in this life. Everything you listed is exactly what my 16 yr. old son is experiencing. I too was severely emotionally neglected as a child into present. My parents were both covert narcissists and there was daily emotional and psychological abuse but I didn’t even know it. I told myself I would NEVER do to my son that they did to me, and while I gave my son a very fun and stimulating childhood I didn’t know I was guilty of emotionally neglecting him. His father had never had a meaningful relationship with him and visits started to drop off when my son turned around 10. Pathetic is the best way I can describe his involvement and he wasn’t there for him at all. He and his SO are also guilty of emotionally and psychologically abusing my son since he as very young. I hope he will recover from this. He hasn’t had any friends for 6 1/2 years and is neck deep in a gaming addiction. He’s had me at an arms length for at least 4 1/2 years now. Parental alienation has also been a huge factor. I’m so worried about him and hope he can recover.
Every word . Every word was description of the struggles and false beliefs I had adopted to cope. I'm 33 years old always felt something was wrong with me and always felt invisible. I always chose to be invisible. This information was such an eye opener. Thank you for the information and your intentions to help ppl like me. I will learn to listen to myself , inform myself more about cen and treat myself differently and learn new emotional skill. Thank you Dr. Jonice Webb. ❤
I couldn't help but cry watching this. Hearing someone describe how I feel and think about myself was both amazing but also so very sad. Thank you for talking about CEN and how harmful it is.
I want you to know that I learned about some of this two or three years ago, and you can incorporate this and eventually lose that sting of the emotional pain. Cheers, friend.
you rock, lady, thanks!
Wow - when you read those 18 sayings - they were deep - so many of them I have said - how sad our parents made us feel this unimportant and unloved - my mum is a narcissist and I’m the scapegoat - I’m so glad that when I had my children I gave them so much love and validation - they have turned out secure loving strong adults - but I’m still battling with this emotional neglect - but thank you very much for the knowledge and advice to move forward ❤️
This was really helpful for me. I need to listen to it a few times in a row and let it sink in. Thank you.
As wonderful as always, Jonice. Thank you. Your book changed my life and I have recommended it to so many of my clients. I hope you are very well.
I always feel like the Life I have been living has been like a board game, I have no strategy or know the rules of the game , everybody
else got to read the rule book of the game and had someone else that played the game instruct them on the best strategy to use, while I am just moving my game piece around the board hoping something good will happen worrying if I am making a irreversible mistake and feel like I don't know what's going on , but other people are moving around the board having fun and for them everything just falls into place
Listening to your above talk brought me to tears. I connected deeply with everything you had to say. My family life growing up looked ideal from the outside, but nothing really happened to nurture us six kids, no one ever asked how we were, we never ate together as a family or had discussions of anything meaningful, we were left to our own devices, had everything materially, but nothing emotionally. My brother shared with me the above video and we are both working on healing. I just ordered your book and am looking forward to reading it.
Thank you for this video! It make me cry but in a good way. All those words, phrases you said. I have said them to myself for almost 32 years. Wow! I went to therapy but after watching this, I feel you understand me perfectly! Thank you so much!! I have followed your articles and now I will follow your videos! ❤
Spot on. Just learning about this. I'm 64 😓
This was very helpful! I understand now why I have many beliefs. Seeing/recognizing is the first step to removing them. Sometimes that can be one of the hardest steps. As uncomfortable and awful as it feels, it has become ‘normal’. Understanding that my parents didn’t intentionally hurt me. They did their best. Had they known better they would have done better. Now it’s my time to take responsibility/control of my life. 😊
Thank you for your continued work and dedication to helping others discover, or really rediscover who they always were. :)
This totally explains why I feel the way I feel
10 / 10 and 18 / 18
Generally I do not like being so open to others or to anyone who may read this but this time I want to make a first and state that this video is all about my story. I have been strugling with all this false beliefs all my life. Thank you very much Dr. Jonice Webb for making it so clear that this is what lies under all the misery that I caused myself to go through during all this years. I will be following you.
🤗 it's a long but worthy road, I'm rooting for you ❤
For those interested in the enneagram, I’m struck by how much CEN lines up with Type 9.
I am so pleased to have found you and the CEN idea / definition.. I’m 62.. just found your The Effect of Emotional Neglect video .. which led me to this one.. Talk about having feelings.. I must say that watching those 18 beliefs.. you’re correct in my not having any idea.. but as you said them … all but a few did in fact generate internal feelings…. I have Absolutely Liked and Subscribed… and found and downloaded your book RUNNING ON EMPTY. ❤
Great video, and advice. A lot of it resonated with me, and i didn't even have bad parents, just busy and preoccupied at times. Thx for this!
Dr Jonice, thank you so much for another excellent video, in clear, plain language that even someone in the UK can understand! I was wondering, there seems to be an overlap in some of the things you talk about with ADHD - procrastination for example. Is it possible my CEN is amplifying my ADHD?
Can emotional neglect lead more easily to BPD? I have emotionally neglectful parents and suffered all my adult life with verty poor self regulation, impulsive behaviour and self-harm but in the last 5 years I feel like it has become worse after a particularly traumatic event. I'm 51.
Just wanted to say amazing audiobook Running on Empty I hit every single symptom on the worksheet.
This seems to be describing my inner world and inner most feelings to the T......all thanks to you for giving this realisation of me having CEN. I felt as if you're talking about me in this video.
Brilliant I love your videos so helpful
Thank you. Many things you said resonated with me.
Thank you!!!! I’ve been trying for years to make the connections-you spelled them out for me! Much appreciated 😊
This described me completely! WOW, this is what I will base my recovery on from now on. Thank you and I will be watching and listening more closely to your videos and to myself!
Amazing! I feel like you have provided me language and understanding for a jumble of emotions i have felt my whole life but didn't trust and didn't know where to even to begin to decipher. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
thank you. you have confirmed a lot of the things I suspected was wrong with me. I was somehow aware but never sure. I appreciate you make this video!❤
I have both books but haven’t had the self discipline to go through the first one yet.
Dr. Webb, I can relate to so much of this information. It explains a lot regarding my own issues, as well as my siblings. Have you ever talked about, or explained, the reason behind an adult who was a victim of CEN having the need (unknowingly, I presume) to bully others, especially preying on weaker type personalities? Thank you for all you do!
Hi Doctor!
Thanks for your video clips,I got so many benefits and knowledges about my childhood's background and I always felt that it was something that I missed then and still, which is emotions.
I have a question, Is an emotional neglectful mother and narcissistic father create a CPSTD child?
Accurate to this video on everything that's all I have to say
Your work is meaningful and helpful and I wish I could afford the course. In the meantime we have the books to read. Thank you.
Wow! This was so needed for me. Thank you for sharing this information. Life changing.❤
13/18. We must have met because you know me well.
Amazing, thank you. What an eye-opener. I resonate with every single one of these.
Great stuff as asual..
God bless you
Wow! I feel all these...
Thank you
I have them all
Is there actually legitimate treatment for CEN? Seems all these ppl do is diagnose and explain it. I rarely hear anyone who overcomes it.
Love LOVE these videos ty!!! I got assaulted at 14 and my says she doesn’t remember me telling her about it lol Whatt? How do u forget that, as a mother? She also always believed i chose to leave home at 15 when the truth was her emotionally immature step husband kicked me out.
Tysm for these videos!! Im in my late 40s now and still learning how to put my feelings first before others. ☺️☺️☺️
Are you a Southerner Dr. Webb ? You sure sound like it. You can't actually be a Bostonian ? Anyway, hello from Tennessee
I am floored watching this. I came across this because I recently hired a writing coach as my anxiety was effecting my writing and I wanted to know how to get past this. Interesting enough, she caught on to something random I said about my mom and pointed out it almost sounded like my parent was narcissistic. I defended my mother to the best of my ability as she was the most loving caring person especially considering her own deeply traumatic childhood. However this woman pointed out some things I had never noticed. I had always felt something was off about my family but knowing my mother’s childhood I felt guilty for even thinking anything negative. But it wasn’t until I watched this video that I was able to identify it. I confess I cried (and I hardly ever cry) when you said the phrase “I do not matter.” I have said this so many times I can’t even begin to count. All of the signs was me to my core. It’s like a huge light bulb has been turned on and it all makes sense. I feel somewhat guilty for saying my parents emotionally neglected me (well my Mom due to the trauma she experienced) but after listening to this I can’t deny it. Thank you so much for talking about this topic. 🩷