I completely agree. I actually blocked out the memory of this dynamic . The grueling aspect of trying to figure out how I should feel. I the was confused because I didn’t know , what was fair , right and understanding . I would ask other people how they saw the situation and if it made sense the way that I felt … But then, I became the Devils Advocate. I felt guilty that perhaps I painted the picture from my perspective and not his . Now, I still have troubles with knowing how I really feel,and making decisions … Analysis Paralysis. That’s where the brainwashing comes in. Intensely explaining . His cup of tea was accusing me and expecting an explanation, and everything road on me being believable… which his ticket was he never had any and to believe/trust me . It so sickening . I have not articulated this before . Richard you brought forth the memory. ThankYou
@@HypsyGyspy1467 Analysis paralysis is a perfect description of what I experienced. I actually knew about 3 years into the marriage what she was. I even forgave the cheating. Everything continued and got much worse. I kept thinking I could change her or things would get better. They only got worse, much worse. I can only hope people will see this and it will help them. They never get better. Get out as soon as you can and never look back.
This is extremely important for anyone going through this. I'm a little further on in my recovery to be able to say that, this splitting, where we have the memories of the aggressive, vengeful, evil narcissist on one side... and the helpless, victim, little child looking for us to parent them on the other. You dont need to understand how these two extremes are actually the same person. Just accept that they are the one person. The clue to understanding this is that you're confused. And rightly so. These people have a massive hole in the middle of their soul where empathy should live. This is the split you're trying to understand. Accept that they are not whole. Let the knowledge of this hole in their soul be the glue that holds these two extremes you desperately seek to put together. You will heal. 💚
Wonderful, concise summary. I guess that:s the bottom line, the lack of empathy. There's such a severe disconnect, like someone stood outside their house & cut their phone line one night. They can't communicate or connect with anyone but themselves.
@@dubaiedge that's best way I've ever heard that described when it comes to communicating and connection with this kinda of person! Their phone line has been cut....
@Brian-zc2ip WOW…..oh boy……. did I need to come across your comment this morning. What a huge help for me & of course for anyone who’s read it . Thank you 😊 it’s so insightful ! this channel along with ALL the comments I read are a massive help to me. I’m struggling and I’ve been quite sad but I’ll get there . Thank you from Australia 🇦🇺
Just want to say to survivors who often feel ashamed for having been victimized: think about what you went through, and think that you survived it! You didn't lose your mind, no, you made it out! Think of the strength that takes, and think that you had that strength!
I escaped 3 months ago. And the trauma bond is finally broken. It will take me years to recover. I watch these because I find it so fascinating that I found myself with some one so cruel but so oblivious to it.
@@apex11177 I feel like calling a narcissist anything but by their name or a standalone humanizing label such as “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” or “boss” all equates to the same thing. “Subject” = “Narc” = “Abuser”. Here we are dealing with being a victim to their ways, however much of said ways they themselves cannot stop from doing. They are indeed a human being but it just doesn’t *feel* like they ultimately are one, as the victim. It is what it is. After going through my own dealings of abuse from the female covert narcissist I tried to be in a relationship, I can’t always help but interchange addressing a narcissist by a lot of different terms, like “alien”, for instance. Being such a caring person that I am (which is what got me into such a deep mess with the covert narcissist in my life in the first place), I can’t care about such little details 24/7. If she were to agree to go to counseling (completely separated from my life entirely and all), I’d change my tune accordingly. Truth be told I am really, REALLY empathetic to her in my *mind* (counts for a whole lot) as it is, even to this day, so from my own humanity I waver on forgiveness and compassion and what should certainly *also* be my natural/rightful reaction from her dealings to me. This all amounts to appropriate boundary-setting as the victim, even if it’s done far off from the peak of abuse, even after far off no-contact with the abuser. Separation of all the “what is what” is so vitally important for me psychologically and emotionally. It’s incredible what it affords for healing and coming out stronger and wiser.
I have never left a comment but this is just amazing. I’m literally in tears. You nailed it. That’s why I always think I’m losing my mind between feeling angry & feeling sorry… and I haven’t been able to leave as everything is constantly blurred in my head. And the ‘vampire ´ scenario ? Oh my, totally true… thank YOU
I'm guessing by your screen name you are about my age. I was born in 1967. I have noticed a trend with our generation, it seems to me that most of us Gen Xers turned out to be narcissists or empaths with very few exceptions. I think we are products of the latch key generation.
Born in 1970 so yeah...SAME Yes, very much parenting of my childhood was hands off. I view that time with inappropriate fondness given that I spent so much of it on my own, dealing with alternating neglect and abuse. It's difficult because that independence is so much a part of my personal mythology. But it's not reality. The reality is, that I've been mentally tied to my mother's inability to parent all these years. . @@Truthteller1s
@@Truthteller1sI agree I have noticed that too. I am GenX 1972 but my covert narcissist is 10 years younger than me born 1982. Married 19 years 23 years together. The past 2 years on repeat of love 2 weeks arguing 2 weeks. Last time threatened to hit me divorce me. He says things but just to hurt me never does it. Mine is emotional abuse so far. I told I am sick of this sick game I am not playing anymore. Silence for 3 weeks now. Thanks for sharing
Don't know where to start, 46 years 2 months short of 40 years married, my story sounds like fiction. Has totally destroyed my relationship with youngest daughter, with lies and just what you say, he was a victim. I'm lucky to be here, so many accidental near misses, the last one, he left the house, left the gas on unlit for 3 hours, only by luck did I smell it. I have suffered physical, emotional, psychological abuse. I wish I'd known what narcissism meant. He was excluded from the house by the courts. There's too much to talk about, it sounds unbelievable, in the end he didn't break my heart, my darling youngest daughter has done that. Thank you Richard for helping me to make sense of it all. I have help from a Psychiatrist who will work with me as I was diagnosed with PTSD and after one incident, a delayed panic attack, when police thought I was having a heart attack. He is the most intelligent, charming, lovely man, I didn't think I'd be believed, so hid everything.
I was with a narcissist for seven or eight years who always just played the victim. I fell for it for a long time. I was drained physically, emotionally and financially. Never again!
If you're experiencing anything that you suspect to be Narcissistic Abuse, please listen carefully to this video from Richard. I was locked in for 23, deep years. It was a traumatic single event that caused me to reintegrate the two memories of my Wife and it's important to know that you could make the choice to sit down and integrate those memories yourself (without waiting for a traumatic event). Trust me, Richard is speaking very deep truths in this video!
Unfortunately 37 years for me, my toxic husband is this way and I have had to deal with him with his identities one a child that i felt i had to parent , and the other an abusive one that i had to dodge from. I'm completely utter broke and exhausted you cannot help these people I know I've tried. I'm now getting disconnected and need to brake free from him. It's not easy, but I can't carry on like this. He has ruined my life. So sorry you had the same experience yourself. 😢
How do you integrate?! I want to get out. I’m the DPOA for my narc mother who’s also now got dementia but I am going insane. I’m done. As soon as my dying dad passes, I’m done.
@@goodpony1971 You are stronger than you could, right now, ever believe. You WILL NOT give up! You ARE NOT done! You will ultimately surprise yourself once the extent of your true power is revealed to you. Stay strong.....you owe it to future you!
Yes. Agree, 100%. This is the most eloquent, thoughtfully detailed key to unlocking this parasitic relationship between the zombie fungus (the narcissist) and the victim. After less than a year with one of these individuals, I slowly began realizing that was losing my sanity, becoming physically sick (nauseated, weak, losing my balance while walking, knees buckling in his presence when he'd start in on me) and ultimately cannibalizing myself to continue loving him and being in love with the pieces of him that were still human. I appreciate what you have shared here, and after a short time with one of these insanity-inducing individuals, I have no idea how you possessed the strength, fortitude, courage, and dedication to remain with a narcissist for 23 YEARS. Sending you compassion and empathy from the rainy state of Oregon. May you remain strong and on your path to healing completely.
I agree 💯. A dear friend of mine was diagnosed with Schizophrenia in 2009 and I witnessed first hand how she went from being a vibrant happy young Woman to becoming wheelchair bound and frail. There is no doubt that her Mother was a Narc as my friend would tell me stories of her constantly crossing her boundaries, snooping on her, reading her diary, walking in on her bf and her being intimate, disregarding her privacy etc. When I went to visit my friend at the hospital when she was first admitted, the nurses said "Her mother is overbearing and be careful around her". When sitting by her bed my friend asked "Is she there?" and I nodded and had to whisper, I can see her feet under the curtains. My friend had an innocent and pure heart, she saw the beauty in everything, but she resented her Mother. Sadly she passed away in September 2015 when she was only 30 years old.
Once I realised that it was performative, a manipulation to coerce me into what ever bullshit state of his was on top in any given moment, I started training myself to rigorously remain self regulated in the face of it (the emotional literacy exercises were my starting point, so thank you for that Richard! 💪❤️). It took me five whole years to safely get myself out, but I did it. I’m finally fecking free, and a MUCH stronger and wiser version of myself because of it. Never again will I be in relationship though, as I’m not convinced that I could trust myself to not get hooked again. It’s safer, kinder and more life enhancing for myself to now remain single for the rest of.
I'm with you on staying single,but in essence if I do it only let's the narcissist know that her plan to destroy me was a success.I met someone and have been talking to her but find myself hypervigilent to everything she says or does I just want to be normal and at peace again
It really is a mess because any seemingly nice/normal interactions were just completely fake ultimately 🤯... It's when they were cruel,arrogant,etc that you actually 👀 who they REALLY were behind their masks.This is the 🗝️ for realizing that they're actually something to be tossed away & avoided like the plague because then whenever they pull out the nice/normal mask...You STILL 👀 them for the nasty person they actually are no matter how seemingly nice they may act.
40nyears of that , my mother was terrible...I went no contact after I asked me the question: if a stranger would treat you like shes does, would you accept it? NO...so I decided that I had enough....and it caused a cognitive dissonance becaused part of me love that woman whila another part just hate her....
This is EXACTLY what my life was. It is probably the best description and summary of what happens to you in a narcissistic relationship. I was married to my husband for 30 years and I’m finally free.
Thank you for the nice message. I’m still dealing with so much aftermath and I’m just now getting to no contact. 4 beautiful kids that support me 100% makes it so much easier to deal with.
A simple "trick" I took away from a personal development retreat is to replace BUT by AND = they’re like this AND like that. Changes the narrative and makes it "easier" to quit and not go back / let them back in. Words have true power!
The vampire metaphor came up and slapped me in the face. Dude. Wow. The anchors keeping me attached to these black holes were my compassion and guilt of not helping them. BUT you said they are already dead, not cognitively, but instinctively, pulling you down into the lake of the dead with the remnant muscle memory left in their soulless forms. I think you just saved my life.
23 years done , it was like being a prisoner of war ,torture . Not only the physical violence ,the abusive mind games . I got out alive , just . I lost everything we had together. Starting my whole life from scratch.
I remember giving that bastard a pink eye and bloody nose the day I and my mom left him. He lost consciousness for 5 minutes or so before waking up screaming in anger, only if my mom hadn't stopped me I would had probably put him to sleep right there. He still had the balls to stand at the door or the room when me and my mom were talking about leaving(probably would had tried to revenge attack or some shit). Was satisfying tho, finally got my hands on him after 18 fucking years of trauma.
The appropriate reaction is like a school principal communicating to an inappropriate family. Just professional, no emotion, only facts, take notes. Regardless of who the person shows up as that day. Be very unimpressed. The good days and the bad days - show up as the same unimpressed person.
I realized that my ex husband was two people. It took me a couple years of being away from him to really finally get it. It’s very painful when you have this epiphany and also a relief to finally make sense of the crazy.
They are both. No one becomes a narcissist without some form of consistent, pervasive abuse of some kind and of course they can often be bullies as well.
It's a choice I believe. All children suffer abuse to one degree or another. You simply cannot wrap them in cotton wool until they are 21! So I believe it is a choice to use certain "coping mechanisms", which become maladaptive behaviour / personality disorders in later life. Listen children... no matter the abuse, it does not make it right for you to go ahead and abuse other people! OK? OK. YOU HAVE A CHOICE! MAKE IT A GOOD ONE.
@@joannageorge7305 I must agree- they ought to know better, but they act in a selfish and abusive way nonetheless. They may even tell you, like my brother did, that they knew certain acts were wrong but went with those anyway.
A normal person has true consistent empathy straight across the board with compassion in every logical sense and if they don’t then there inlays the pathology. In the beginning there had to be dog eat dog for survival of the fittest. But it got out of hand Then came Jesus’s message!
Thank you Richard, I don't leave comments often, but this video compels me too. It's not just unbelievably insightful and well articulated but said in a very earthy and humorous way that doesn't put you above us, but with us. This is a very validating video. I felt so understood. I've saved it as a video to revisit and to show to my children, as proof or explanation of what happened. I left after 11 years. I lost all interest in caring for the "small helpless little boy" and realized and recognized the actual "aggressive, abusive, insulting monster" was the real story, the real person and was not going to, had no intention, of changing.
I really needed to hear this,i got with my soon ex husband in 2011, lost my son in 2014, i was diagnosed with ptsd, ive been lied to,manipulated & abused by my FAKE husband for 12 years. This explains a lot about why I stayed just for him to brutally discard me for the secretary from his work. The divorce process is also a nightmare
I just wanted to add, this is what I was describing to my therapist. I also think narcissistic abuse erases memory in addition to this- it’s been three years into my journey healing from my family. From when I was young, every time I reported abuse I was told I didn’t remember things correctly. Over time, I also started to question my memory and “over write” what happened. It was so bad that one time my father punched me over me refusing to send my older sister money (she often asked me for huge amounts that it turns out she never needed, she would go on shopping sprees and I was saving it for college) I remember going back and forth with myself and even hearing my own voice say “that’s not what happened, you just don’t remember it correctly” the only thing that reminded me that I wasn’t tripping was the pain and swelling in my jaw. It took a few more years until I was financially stable and in a new city…guess what…I’ve started getting more and more of my memories back. And so much of my feelings and behaviours that had been stripped of context came back slowly by slowly. I still get new memories every other day and it’s great to know my life wasn’t a blur that I rose from 3 years ago. I feel like a person again.
Richard, you also get people who enable their behavior and that can make it worse. Not only is it happening to you, but now you have someone confirming that it's perfectly okay for them to act that way. Doubling the dose. I am working on my recovery. I love this video. Very meaningful!
I hate enablers. Why do they do that? Do they have that many poor boundaries? I don't see what it is that they get out of it that's worth the disrespect and the loss of self they also get. Aka the new supply. They brag about how they don't make the "mistakes" we did, but all I see is a person with even poorer boundaries and ignorant of what happens when you please every single thing the abusive person wants, who eventually will lose themselves, just like we did at some point. The way he treats her was the same way he treated me and it infuriates me how she's okay with the disrespect (I wasn't). The trying to make her do things she clearly doesn't feel comfortable doing, trying to make her be someone she clearly isn't. Losing herself in the process. Then the guy thinks it's funny to "playfully" smack her back hard enough, you can hear the smack, like a toddler, several times to get her attention, instead of calling her by her name. You'd think some couples get along like that, but she never ever does it back. So it's much obvious it's not a game between them. But she doesn't say anything. It's frustrating. But it gives me a clearer picture of why it didn't and would've never ever worked out with that person. It's like they say, if you wanna stay with a narcissistic person, you need to accept the disrespect and the boundary violations, and also be aware that you will lose your personal time and space. Your world will revolve around them. Forever.
There’s one part of the process I think you need to complete the picture: The conditioning part where you actually succeed in comforting “the little child”. The “I feel safe with you” thing. This is essential for making the partner believing that it’s possible and hence by inference that it’s their own fault every next time some minor dissatisfaction or disagreement turns into rage and then discard.
That lack of integration makes a lot of sense. And not even just in the current tense - remembering. You're accessing one memory bank or another at any given time, leaving your memories confused, and it's impossible to come to a clear, unwavering conclusion.
@@brightstar4321 Hey beautiful 🌟 sorry I'm slow sorting email 📧 I'll get to it today! I was thinking about Maui 🔱🌊🌺🔥 too, wondering if those blue roofs played a part? 🎶 "I hate the world today.." 🎶 ttys xox 💖 The main thing keeping the narc 'operating by omission or echo' is those bystanders who say and do nothing in the face of bait and switch. 🙃
@@louisegarner8888 Hey Louise 😜 this song came in my mind after I read your comment. I was a bystander in my own life for years, gripping vociferously to my own illusions about the narcissist, so I can relate to that concept! I was dancing 💃🏼 in the crypt until I realized I’d be mummified there if I didn’t find my way out. With regard to Maui, there’s no doubt in my mind that Directed Energy Weapons were involved. It’s a sacred place, with sacred energy, and no corporeal or cosmic interference is going to change that, despite the recent and devastating damage done. “Hearts afire creates love desire Take you high and higher to the world you belong Hearts afire creates love desire High and higher to your place on the throne We come together on this special day Sing our message loud and clear Looking back, we've touched on sorrowful days (well) Future, past, they disappear You will find (you fill find) peace of mind (yeah) If you look way down in your heart and soul Don't hesitate 'cause the world seems cold Stay young at heart” ~Earth 🌎 Wind & Fire🔥, That’s the Way of the World 🎶
@@rolandgervais154 Yes the Karpman drama triangle. Idk, I've seen many who rescue new supply to triangulate and betray when discarding old to name one scenario. Also while maintaining old, zombied to doormat supply they'll give them compliments. confidence boosting labels and comparisons to revive them may be seen as a rescue? It's only ever to the narc's advantage though. The rescue is so they can play hero to those they've abused coercively over and over but only if they're useful to the narc, depending of where their victim's status lies, it can be audacious call outs and rewards or covertly insiduous such as in the form of small drips, breadcrumbs, dog whistles.
I can totally relate to this and when its family its so confusing ..this is such a wake up call for many of us ..thank you for this wisdom and observations .I find the hardest thing is when the Narcissist gets others to work alongside them ,I call them the dancing monkeys ,the Narcissist has to have a best friend and a worse enemy and too soon You become the enemy if you do not give the supply they need at any given time ...I will watch this again its so spot on I need to have This memory ...Thanks .
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have said I could be sat with one person on the sofa, gone to the kitchen, come back and sat down with a completely different person! My therapist said a Narc’s personality is unstable, now I fully understand how!! I’ve spent 18 months researching this 🙈
I went through a period where I had Aphasia, like someone who had suffered a stroke. I went for an MRI. Nothing was found. This explains everything about what I had gone through! Thank you, Richard!!❤
Omgosh this was one of the best articulated pieces I've ever heard! You get a standing Ovation for this one! This just totally blew my mind! Especially what you said at the end! I've been describing my pile of gray rocked/ door slammed individuals first as my narcissistic mother but mostly as soulless emotional vampires. That were sucking the emotional life force out of me my entire life! Its like they loved sucking on the tears/ fear as i cried. These are very dangerous individuals! The last one gave me a blunt head trauma, stabbed me in two different places, beat me with a lead pipe across my lower back and a upright vacuum across my left shoulder. I've had to quite literally grab what little belongings I could and run for my life! Leaving behind mutual friends , family, changing my location, Phone number, ect .and everything about myself. I've done this so many times now that I've been in isolation for like 4 years and getting therapy once a week but over zoom because I don't want to leave my house. I Feel like I'm afraid of my own shadow! Afraid to go out into the light. Scratching my head at how to rebuild and get these past spider webs off of me at the age of 53. I'd like to be the main character and star in my own life movie. I am a INFJ personality and have way way to much empathy. I describe myself now as my people picker being broken! So I'm afraid to even let people get to close to me and am unwinding the "freeze" rubber band that has had me bound and silenced "totally a deer in headlights"since my childhood. Therapy helped for a short time and allowed me to get back the proper fight or flight response. I feel like these soulless wonders search for people with a lot of empathy and prey on them. I also feel the world currently needs the empaths to step out of the shadows and let there beautiful souls feel the warmth of the sunshine. We should be spreading the very soul essences and gifts we were born with and have to offer the 🌎 world.. That these emotional vampires were feeding on. Of coarse,after making ourselves whole again and doing a lot of work on healthy boundaries. This was so spot on to my life. Seriously I think you should win some kind of award for this. Bravo!!!! Oh and sorry I know I just totally over shared but this gives me hope at exposing these people and hopefully figuring out ways to identify them as early as possible. Also getting this information out to child with safe havens where they can flee too once they have uncovered a narcissistic parent. Thank you so much and I will be binge watching 👀 more of your content. God Bless anyone who is stuck in this dynamic. Please you must set yourselves free... These people are trying to kill you emotionally, spiritually and physically.. Much love and wellness to all...
Holy Split second!!😬 My life past 47 yrs. Finally went no contact, 30 days ago. Your videos are spot on! Thank you!! I took a huge breath yesterday, and said a prayer. Side note, my 3 adult children asked me, many yrs ago, if their mom had multiple personalities??😮 wow. Wow wow.
This is all so accurate and scary as heck. Sadly this is my son. Hes 20 now but he goes from calling me names to making me feel guilty for things that happened years ago. He smashes my things when he gets in a rage and says he wants me dead. All ive ever done is love and care for him and never said a bad thing to him. It hurts so much that hes at his grandparents now and i feel the only answer is anti psychotic medicine which he refused to take because he thinks hes ok and everyone else is the problem 😢
You just explained everything in such a comprehensive way…it’s something we can clearly understand and grasp. Blood sucking, draining, bound to control. The physical toll and mental grinding down on your soul leaves you feeling hopeless and anxious. Richard, you have a way to getting through unlike many other “experts” - thank you 🙏
Its so natural to try to understand people...its good to know what isnt normal. That so much effort to reach someone during their nice times is fruitless.
One of those personalities is to keep you thinking the narcissist is nice now or has changed for the better, so you let your guard down with them. Then, what feels like a millisecond later, the narcissist goes back to acting like a child and creating arguments out of a normal and calm conversation. Its so exhausting.
I think you are right on with this video. I have thought of narcissists often as vampires. One of the biggest rules of a vampire is that they can’t just come into your life. You have to let them in. There’s always a point where they ask if they can come in and you can choose to say yes. So the biggest aspect is you can always ask them to leave. The victim has the power and the power is going no contact, that is the closure because just as you say, the schizophrenic aspect of their personality is very hard to get emotional closure with. Because it is very true that it is very hard to reconcile. They can act as a victim sometimes and they can be a bully at another time. They can have two strategies in the same narcissistic person.
THIS IS IT!!! Thank You! I have to buy your course, because I believe you truly understand what I'm going through. The guilt is overwhelming😢. I want out of the insanity. Jesus help me, enough is enough. My life needs normalcy.
This is exactly how I separated the bad and the good. Why didn't I leave him? Because I projected hope that he was more good than bad. I came upon a video that explained Radical Acceptance. I always passed it up because I knew that the reality, which I avoided for years, would be the beginning of the pain I would go through while I had to let go of everything I didn't want to face, him. He is what his actions tell me and not the words he wants me to hear.
That was depressing. Informative, thank you, and depressing. I have a 13 year old stepdaughter that has been suffering her narcissistic mother's abuse for years. She came so close to leaving her and something flipped. She failed to tell CPS the truth about an incident where her mother threatened suicide and then flipped it on her daughter trying to gaslight her and threatening to put her in a mental institution. Daughter wanted out of the situation, we were looking for attorneys. A couple of days went by without the mother allowing contact and then the daughter said she wanted to stay. She has been distant ever since. Dark tragedy. We already went to court once and the mother manipulated everyone. It's like the universe is telling us to stop. She had a way out and chose to stay. There's no record of the incident because she chose not to tell the truth so they closed the case with no findings. Hoping she finds the strength and clarity to choose to get out when she turns 18. Her mother is currently love bombing her like crazy.
My twin sister has this split. In spiritual language, I call it a fractured soul. The soul is mind, will, emotions. The split pieces are partnered with the enemy. The person switches like a chameleon as needed. But they don't let their guard down no matter who it is.
Thank you for this video. This is exactly where I am at... on one hand, I am deeply afraid of him - due to his threats, harassment, blackmail, scheming, etc. But on the other hand, I feel terribly guilty for leaving a little wounded boy who is full of shame and self-hate. UGH.
Nailed it perfectly Richard! It's SO hard to leave though - especially an aged sick parent who is literally in their last years/months but who is sucking the life out of everyone around them. Brutal place to be. Excruciating choice.
You are spot on. After 39 years of marriage your explanation of everything including the ending about being afraid of people is exactly what was happening. This entire disorder is one big mind f**k.
Thank you so much, for the most accurate description of what I have been experiencing throughout my marriage to a covert narcissist. The interplay of these different personalities you have to manage in them truly makes you question if you’re the crazy one. It is a trap without compare.
YES! Thank goodness for EMDR trauma therapy and your emotional literacy course! They helped to put ME back into the present. First 50 years of my life bouncing back and forth between righteous anger toward my father’s rages and guilt at his seeming vulnerability. Then another 24 years with the ex-partner (30 lived with him, some years overlapping my life with my father), and I was able to RECOGNIZE the two parts of his personality and integrate them in my mind. When I saw the ex-partner’s bullying as temper tantrums and his vulnerability as manipulation, I saw them both as if he were a child. I could grin (inside my mind, because a physically large man is dangerous) and not relent in the holding of my boundaries. The guilt I felt disappeared, when I saw the childish manipulation for what it was. Over 6.5 years away from him and again in therapy in order to remain PRESENT to my life, I see that my father’s label of my mother as a “schizophrenic” was correct, from your outline of how dissociation takes place. Thank you for clarifying the healing process.
@@naiyalexic Yep. Long time. Trained by “dad”. I’m glad I learned to be anti- authoritarian (from dad’s insistence on HIS way or the highway). I eventually got out. Trauma therapy helped, heaps.
I am at 20 years now and I’m done. I’ve already emotionally detached and I’ve exited the shared fantasy. Sam was right that once you mortify the narcissist they won’t hoover you. This is the strangest thing I’ve experienced even more than the double person ridiculousness. He doesn’t know what to do now but he knows he can’t communicate with me since I don’t participate in any of the manipulation tactics he does to get me to react. There is no more reaction and his almost dumbfounded. But I don’t know what’s next or how he’ll act being mortified like this. He’s an aggressive retaliator who has no sense of moral or ethical boundaries he should adhere to, no standards. So anything is possible here, everything is on the table. I hope he just goes away and stays gone, but his mother doesn’t let him not attack and fight me. She’s a horrible person that enables his physical violence towards me. I don’t know if he’s so mortified that he’ll ignore her or not.
No doubt his mother takes great pleasure in him upsetting You in any and every way possible - she's been jealous of You since the day he introduced her to You.
@@AlessiaBlueI’m so glad you are moving forwards and realised what they were trying to do so never to take the bait again. They live their delusion because if they ever accepted their truth it would lead to self annihilation. Their coping survival mechanism is to lie just to stay alive. They choose not to do the hard work to change because living a fake life is easier for them to get their fix from their deception and victims. If we can all spot the red flags and ignore these ppl or put them in rehabilitation, humanity would be much better off.
This description is absolutely perfect for what I saw in my covert narcissist mother and I fell for a narcissist who did the same and I was trapped in a trauma bonding situation and I eventually split into bipolar disorder. I ended up in the nuthouse not them. They should have been locked up not me. They were unbelievably abusive . The trauma in me was horrendous because I was the scapegoat of the family. I had a hateful mother who had also her golden children who she adored and despised me. You always get pulled in because the victim poor me child would show up and you felt you had to rescue them. Because they are seriously injured children you just want to comfort if you are the empath
Thank you from the bottom of my torned heart for putting this schizophrenic experience into a fathomable context. I´ve just left a narcissistic trauma bonded relationship after 14 years in hell. And I have finally realized that the devil and prince charming was the same person. I´m doing my very best to look at myself as an extremely strong woman instead of a stupid and fooled one.
@@stephenbell-kv5ljRemove them from your thoughts whenever you ruminate tell them to get out , it really helps.Hoping you get somewhere else to live soon and well done for escaping...x
Wtf! I just looked up dissociative identity disorder and schizophrenia this morning! You making this video is so much confirmation for me that I know what’s happening and why I feel stuck! In all my life, I have NEVER allowed any form of disrespect, nvm abuse, so I couldn’t figure out why I was still going back to that abusive environment and suffering…now I know.
Wow Richard although this was recorded 8months ago it only popped up on my feed today. I left my 45 year abusive marriage almost a year ago. He has full blown malignant but vulnerable NPD but I knew nothing about NPD until about 6months before I left. My daughter told me to look it up and I knew I had to leave. I had all the plans in place. Then he got diagnosed with cancer and the other side to NPD kicked in as did my response to it. Once he knew he was cured, Mr Nasty came back and my other side kicked in in response. Then I fled for my safety. He is in prison for breaking restraining orders but now I cannot break the trauma bond and your video has shown me why. I separate the abuse and nastiness and my response to it, from the vulnerability and wanting to look after him response. I need to work on marrying the 2 together otherwise he will be in my head forever and I can't move on. I' m having therapy via Women's Aid doing the Power to Change course. Now I know what the problem is maybe I'll have more success. Thank you.
Three parts: either Tyrant or Victim at home and ...? Charmer and loving you in public..!! Three different hard drives. You go craaaaazy. One of the best clues you give: THEY ARE ONE PERSON. As you say: become aware of your inner division and see how you got confused, and become one again. Both my father and my mother had all three sides, each in their unique play out. It was vital to completely disconnect, not just from them, but from their combined theatre. It's still weird though, to acknowledge I did not have real parents. That I was raised in a play (in a horror story actually). But now I can. I got out of the tomb. In my core I am a source of love, so I bath in that love, and a true person. And that last vital disconnect I made largely by listening to you Richard, and I am soooooo grateful to you. It's HUGE what you do for us.
This is essential for those who (thanks to you, Dr. Grannon)- once concluded that they are with a bullying narc, but then decided that they aren't, based on the softer/victim side... the disorientation and dissociation is sadly so real. Knowing that this is a distinct pattern (that has unfortunately occurred for many others) helps me see the true reality.
Okay... whoa.. I just got to near the end.. the whole bit about how I came out of the tomb in a state of fear and confusion.. afraid of people.. afraid of the light. This just blew my mind.
It's really interesting, I've been describing living with my spouse as living with 2 or 3 ppl at the same time, and yet there's only him, and I've watched him switch from bully to little boy victim in a split second. So when he shows up as a little broken child, I remind myself what a bastard he really is. And I this way I do lose sight of the vampire he is.
Great take. I agree regarding dissociation and the trauma bond explanation. It explains why people that are partly aholes are more dangerous than full blown aholes (enablers: they have their good sides; nobody is perfect), because the latter do not cause this split. I too think such abuse can cause Structural Dissociation - a somewhat new concept that brings PTSD, partial DID and DID onto a continuum, and is researched by Prof. Schlumpf in Switzerland for the neurological bases using MRI. I think that a lot of our civilization suffered from such dynamics of abuse and split and abuse again. And we can watch insanity live today when it comes to USA or Russia. Unfortunately, our civilization has embraced such highly disturbed individuals in a lot of leadership positions because of their alleged merit, neglecting the long term costs. Not just at nation leader level, but companies to local clubs.
You are right; this is my wife, my soon-to-be ex. I filed once I realized this. I do not talk to her because you cannot reason with someone like this. Thanks, Richard. You are right. She is also a Gemini-two personalities!
Everytime I feel anger and resentment for all the things he's destroyed in my life or I talk about the fact he's an abuse the guilt kicks in because I'm being disloyal to the other side of him. 6:00 This makes so much sense with the freeze state and the disassociation. 8:50**
Deadly, distressing dynamic masterfully illustrated and articulated in less then 15 minutes! So artfully done, you are a master of your craft. Good work! Much Gratitude.
I always wondered why I can't remember things properly and always get brainfog when trying. It's a very helpful explanation, which resonates strongly with me! Thank you very much, Mr. Grannon!
oh My God tbh,when u talk it feels like my grandfather speaking to me in the traditional (healing) way,i wanna keep listening to you,it goes deep into the soul and it heals something inside which is unexplainable for me because I have been in a narcissistic relationship for 6 years....i hope u make more and more videos like this 😢😢😢
He’s dead inside 👩 that child he exposed you to disappeared along with emotions when he was age two 🤦♀️ no one not even his mother can retrieve him now 👩 like a fly stuck in amber forever
I went to see Richards seminar in December 2023 in London based on his well worth reading book A customer Cult of one . Extremely well presented highly informative and answered alot of questions.I was glued to my seat
I actually struggled with three personalities in my husband, the two you described plus the passive aggressive one: cold, absent, dismissive, silent. He could be like that for months on end. It was torture.
Thanks Richard, after listening to so many different angles on breaking the trauma bond, you have given me the key! I now, am so much better equipped to let her go. Eleven days left to our court date, and after dozens of weeks of seriously reconsidering going back, I now know that the key is to integrate the separately stored memories! 7 yrs of trauma, and I still could not let her go! Now I can! Good on you!
It's funny, your description made me think of a novel from the 1740s about a cold-hearted rake who kidnaps a young woman and sets about seducing her. It's called Clarissa, and in several places the various characters actually calmly discuss this method of exhausting a victim by coming at her with different strategies to confuse and weary her into submission. One character writes, "Lovelace, than whom no man was ever more polite and obsequious at the beginning, has hit the very point. For his turbulence since, his readiness to offend, and his equal readiness to humble himself, (as must keep a woman's passion alive); and at last tire her into a non-resistance that shall make her as passive as a tyrant-husband would wish her to be."
This is quite possibly the most brilliant and eye-opening information I've ever heard about narcissistic abuse. I can't thank you enough for it.
I agree 😉
@@anne-vl7qf So sorry, I was married to one for 30 years and I unfortunately can understand why someone would do that. I'll keep you in my prayers.
I completely agree.
I actually blocked out the memory of this dynamic .
The grueling aspect of trying to figure out how I should feel.
I the was confused because I didn’t know , what was fair , right and understanding .
I would ask other people how they saw the situation and if it made sense the way that I felt …
But then, I became the Devils Advocate.
I felt guilty that perhaps I painted the picture from my perspective and not his .
Now, I still have troubles with knowing how I really feel,and making decisions … Analysis Paralysis.
That’s where the brainwashing comes in.
Intensely explaining .
His cup of tea was accusing me and expecting an explanation, and everything road on me being believable… which his ticket was he never had any and to believe/trust me .
It so sickening .
I have not articulated this before .
Richard you brought forth the memory.
ThankYou
@@HypsyGyspy1467 Analysis paralysis is a perfect description of what I experienced. I actually knew about 3 years into the marriage what she was. I even forgave the cheating. Everything continued and got much worse. I kept thinking I could change her or things would get better. They only got worse, much worse. I can only hope people will see this and it will help them. They never get better. Get out as soon as you can and never look back.
Agreed. Even better than Doctor Ramani insights.
Just because I see your wounded child, doesn’t mean I have to put up with your bad treatment and behaviour. My integrated moment.
❤
I call it Jekyll and Hyde. Holy crap it's mind boggling how they switch emotions off.
That is exactly how I describe it!
That's what I called it.
This is extremely important for anyone going through this. I'm a little further on in my recovery to be able to say that, this splitting, where we have the memories of the aggressive, vengeful, evil narcissist on one side... and the helpless, victim, little child looking for us to parent them on the other.
You dont need to understand how these two extremes are actually the same person.
Just accept that they are the one person.
The clue to understanding this is that you're confused.
And rightly so.
These people have a massive hole in the middle of their soul where empathy should live.
This is the split you're trying to understand.
Accept that they are not whole.
Let the knowledge of this hole in their soul be the glue that holds these two extremes you desperately seek to put together.
You will heal. 💚
Well said, thank you
I do now accept it is just one person who can change at the flick of a switch. An horrendous individual, but ONE.
Wonderful, concise summary. I guess that:s the bottom line, the lack of empathy. There's such a severe disconnect, like someone stood outside their house & cut their phone line one night. They can't communicate or connect with anyone but themselves.
@@dubaiedge that's best way I've ever heard that described when it comes to communicating and connection with this kinda of person! Their phone line has been cut....
@Brian-zc2ip
WOW…..oh boy……. did I need to come across your comment this morning.
What a huge help for me & of course for anyone who’s read it .
Thank you 😊 it’s so insightful !
this channel along with ALL the comments I read are a massive help to me.
I’m struggling and I’ve been quite sad but I’ll get there .
Thank you from Australia 🇦🇺
Just want to say to survivors who often feel ashamed for having been victimized: think about what you went through, and think that you survived it! You didn't lose your mind, no, you made it out! Think of the strength that takes, and think that you had that strength!
Yes. But ruined years, health and relationships are no joke.
I escaped 3 months ago. And the trauma bond is finally broken. It will take me years to recover.
I watch these because I find it so fascinating that I found myself with some one so cruel but so oblivious to it.
How long were you in the relationship with your subject?
@@saintjabronisubject? Is it really necessary to dehumanize to that extent?
@@apex11177 I feel like calling a narcissist anything but by their name or a standalone humanizing label such as “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” or “boss” all equates to the same thing. “Subject” = “Narc” = “Abuser”.
Here we are dealing with being a victim to their ways, however much of said ways they themselves cannot stop from doing. They are indeed a human being but it just doesn’t *feel* like they ultimately are one, as the victim. It is what it is.
After going through my own dealings of abuse from the female covert narcissist I tried to be in a relationship, I can’t always help but interchange addressing a narcissist by a lot of different terms, like “alien”, for instance.
Being such a caring person that I am (which is what got me into such a deep mess with the covert narcissist in my life in the first place), I can’t care about such little details 24/7.
If she were to agree to go to counseling (completely separated from my life entirely and all), I’d change my tune accordingly. Truth be told I am really, REALLY empathetic to her in my *mind* (counts for a whole lot) as it is, even to this day, so from my own humanity I waver on forgiveness and compassion and what should certainly *also* be my natural/rightful reaction from her dealings to me.
This all amounts to appropriate boundary-setting as the victim, even if it’s done far off from the peak of abuse, even after far off no-contact with the abuser. Separation of all the “what is what” is so vitally important for me psychologically and emotionally. It’s incredible what it affords for healing and coming out stronger and wiser.
We heal on levels, when we get comfortable on one level we move to the next, I'm not sure if it ever really ends.
Sending you compassion and empathy.
I have never left a comment but this is just amazing. I’m literally in tears. You nailed it. That’s why I always think I’m losing my mind between feeling angry & feeling sorry… and I haven’t been able to leave as everything is constantly blurred in my head. And the ‘vampire ´ scenario ? Oh my, totally true… thank YOU
I'm guessing by your screen name you are about my age. I was born in 1967. I have noticed a trend with our generation, it seems to me that most of us Gen Xers turned out to be narcissists or empaths with very few exceptions. I think we are products of the latch key generation.
Born in 1970 so yeah...SAME Yes, very much parenting of my childhood was hands off. I view that time with inappropriate fondness given that I spent so much of it on my own, dealing with alternating neglect and abuse. It's difficult because that independence is so much a part of my personal mythology. But it's not reality. The reality is, that I've been mentally tied to my mother's inability to parent all these years. . @@Truthteller1s
@@Truthteller1sI agree I have noticed that too. I am GenX 1972 but my covert narcissist is 10 years younger than me born 1982. Married 19 years 23 years together. The past 2 years on repeat of love 2 weeks arguing 2 weeks. Last time threatened to hit me divorce me. He says things but just to hurt me never does it. Mine is emotional abuse so far. I told I am sick of this sick game I am not playing anymore. Silence for 3 weeks now. Thanks for sharing
@@Truthteller1s I have thought about that same thing many times.
Don't know where to start, 46 years 2 months short of 40 years married, my story sounds like fiction. Has totally destroyed my relationship with youngest daughter, with lies and just what you say, he was a victim. I'm lucky to be here, so many accidental near misses, the last one, he left the house, left the gas on unlit for 3 hours, only by luck did I smell it. I have suffered physical, emotional, psychological abuse. I wish I'd known what narcissism meant. He was excluded from the house by the courts.
There's too much to talk about, it sounds unbelievable, in the end he didn't break my heart, my darling youngest daughter has done that. Thank you Richard for helping me to make sense of it all.
I have help from a Psychiatrist who will work with me as I was diagnosed with PTSD and after one incident, a delayed panic attack, when police thought I was having a heart attack. He is the most intelligent, charming, lovely man, I didn't think I'd be believed, so hid everything.
I was with a narcissist for seven or eight years who always just played the victim. I fell for it for a long time. I was drained physically, emotionally and financially. Never again!
I cannot understand how the sadistic traits can be viewed as a defense. They can make bad things happen to you and pretend it was an accident.
I experienced that in court.
If you're experiencing anything that you suspect to be Narcissistic Abuse, please listen carefully to this video from Richard. I was locked in for 23, deep years. It was a traumatic single event that caused me to reintegrate the two memories of my Wife and it's important to know that you could make the choice to sit down and integrate those memories yourself (without waiting for a traumatic event). Trust me, Richard is speaking very deep truths in this video!
Unfortunately 37 years for me, my toxic husband is this way and I have had to deal with him with his identities one a child that i felt i had to parent , and the other an abusive one that i had to dodge from. I'm completely utter broke and exhausted you cannot help these people I know I've tried. I'm now getting disconnected and need to brake free from him. It's not easy, but I can't carry on like this. He has ruined my life. So sorry you had the same experience yourself. 😢
@angelaeastwood3938 me to just trying to figure everything out been 21 yrs and 3 children!
How do you integrate?! I want to get out. I’m the DPOA for my narc mother who’s also now got dementia but I am going insane. I’m done. As soon as my dying dad passes, I’m done.
@@goodpony1971 You are stronger than you could, right now, ever believe. You WILL NOT give up! You ARE NOT done! You will ultimately surprise yourself once the extent of your true power is revealed to you. Stay strong.....you owe it to future you!
Yes. Agree, 100%. This is the most eloquent, thoughtfully detailed key to unlocking this parasitic relationship between the zombie fungus (the narcissist) and the victim. After less than a year with one of these individuals, I slowly began realizing that was losing my sanity, becoming physically sick (nauseated, weak, losing my balance while walking, knees buckling in his presence when he'd start in on me) and ultimately cannibalizing myself to continue loving him and being in love with the pieces of him that were still human. I appreciate what you have shared here, and after a short time with one of these insanity-inducing individuals, I have no idea how you possessed the strength, fortitude, courage, and dedication to remain with a narcissist for 23 YEARS. Sending you compassion and empathy from the rainy state of Oregon. May you remain strong and on your path to healing completely.
Woah- I had a massive Tetris addiction for a few months when I was 19
44 years under my mothers spell. My dad suffered a nervous breakdown at 85, which is my wake-up call. He’s starving himself and it’s heart breaking
💓💓sending love
Sending love💓💌
thank you. he starved himself to death. told my mother before he died "i used to really love you". Died unnecessarily november 29th. thank you.
“Who had the gap? Is it you or is it them?” We should revisit every case of schizophrenic as a possible recipient of prolonged covert abuse.
I agree 💯. A dear friend of mine was diagnosed with Schizophrenia in 2009 and I witnessed first hand how she went from being a vibrant happy young Woman to becoming wheelchair bound and frail. There is no doubt that her Mother was a Narc as my friend would tell me stories of her constantly crossing her boundaries, snooping on her, reading her diary, walking in on her bf and her being intimate, disregarding her privacy etc. When I went to visit my friend at the hospital when she was first admitted, the nurses said "Her mother is overbearing and be careful around her". When sitting by her bed my friend asked "Is she there?" and I nodded and had to whisper, I can see her feet under the curtains. My friend had an innocent and pure heart, she saw the beauty in everything, but she resented her Mother. Sadly she passed away in September 2015 when she was only 30 years old.
@@kfg7248this stuff boils my blood.
💯💯💯💯
exactly👍 (i always assume narcissism first, instead of last or not at all...)
@@kfg7248 yep
Lack of integration of memory is a great point.
Once I realised that it was performative, a manipulation to coerce me into what ever bullshit state of his was on top in any given moment, I started training myself to rigorously remain self regulated in the face of it (the emotional literacy exercises were my starting point, so thank you for that Richard! 💪❤️). It took me five whole years to safely get myself out, but I did it. I’m finally fecking free, and a MUCH stronger and wiser version of myself because of it. Never again will I be in relationship though, as I’m not convinced that I could trust myself to not get hooked again. It’s safer, kinder and more life enhancing for myself to now remain single for the rest of.
I'm with you on staying single,but in essence if I do it only let's the narcissist know that her plan to destroy me was a success.I met someone and have been talking to her but find myself hypervigilent to everything she says or does I just want to be normal and at peace again
Bless your heart, friend. You will heal. You will thrive.
Yes I realized that too many years ago. As soon as I merged my views of them, forced myself to remember the bad, the draw disappeared.
Yes!!!! You have to make a list of every behavior so you can see them as a whole. You will see: A hot mess. Now run!!!
It really is a mess because any seemingly nice/normal interactions were just completely fake ultimately 🤯... It's when they were cruel,arrogant,etc that you actually 👀 who they REALLY were behind their masks.This is the 🗝️ for realizing that they're actually something to be tossed away & avoided like the plague because then whenever they pull out the nice/normal mask...You STILL 👀 them for the nasty person they actually are no matter how seemingly nice they may act.
40nyears of that , my mother was terrible...I went no contact after I asked me the question: if a stranger would treat you like shes does, would you accept it? NO...so I decided that I had enough....and it caused a cognitive dissonance becaused part of me love that woman whila another part just hate her....
Same here. 40 years with my mother.
Me too. It is so hard. 18 months no contact. My 87 year old mothers smear campaign is still relentless.
Now I understand why my husband tells me and everyone he meets the same stories about his past over and over. Wow!
My now ex partner one week in always does the same , I never knew why ...so many realisations dropping in for me listening to this 😮
This is EXACTLY what my life was. It is probably the best description and summary of what happens
to you in a narcissistic relationship. I was married to my husband for 30 years and I’m finally free.
Bless you. I had an ex-bf that was only 2 years. He showed me how bad it can be. I cant imagine 30 years. My heart aches for you.
Thank you for the nice message. I’m still dealing with so much aftermath and I’m just now getting to no contact. 4 beautiful kids that support me 100% makes it so much easier to deal with.
Me too 🙌
So happy for you!!
A simple "trick" I took away from a personal development retreat is to replace BUT by AND = they’re like this AND like that. Changes the narrative and makes it "easier" to quit and not go back / let them back in. Words have true power!
That is so helpful. Thank you. 🌸
The landmines are always moving
The vampire metaphor came up and slapped me in the face. Dude. Wow. The anchors keeping me attached to these black holes were my compassion and guilt of not helping them. BUT you said they are already dead, not cognitively, but instinctively, pulling you down into the lake of the dead with the remnant muscle memory left in their soulless forms. I think you just saved my life.
What a poetic analogy down there too.
23 years done , it was like being a prisoner of war ,torture . Not only the physical violence ,the abusive mind games . I got out alive , just . I lost everything we had together. Starting my whole life from scratch.
I remember giving that bastard a pink eye and bloody nose the day I and my mom left him. He lost consciousness for 5 minutes or so before waking up screaming in anger, only if my mom hadn't stopped me I would had probably put him to sleep right there. He still had the balls to stand at the door or the room when me and my mom were talking about leaving(probably would had tried to revenge attack or some shit). Was satisfying tho, finally got my hands on him after 18 fucking years of trauma.
The appropriate reaction is like a school principal communicating to an inappropriate family. Just professional, no emotion, only facts, take notes. Regardless of who the person shows up as that day. Be very unimpressed. The good days and the bad days - show up as the same unimpressed person.
I realized that my ex husband was two people. It took me a couple years of being away from him to really finally get it. It’s very painful when you have this epiphany and also a relief to finally make sense of the crazy.
They are both. No one becomes a narcissist without some form of consistent, pervasive abuse of some kind and of course they can often be bullies as well.
Probably technically true but morally irrelevant. They choose to be abusive.
It's a choice I believe.
All children suffer abuse to one degree or another. You simply cannot wrap them in cotton wool until they are 21!
So I believe it is a choice to use certain "coping mechanisms", which become maladaptive behaviour / personality disorders in later life.
Listen children... no matter the abuse, it does not make it right for you to go ahead and abuse other people! OK? OK.
YOU HAVE A CHOICE! MAKE IT A GOOD ONE.
@@AndrewFosterSheff69Not “all” children suffer abuse and trauma.
@@joannageorge7305 I must agree- they ought to know better, but they act in a selfish and abusive way nonetheless. They may even tell you, like my brother did, that they knew certain acts were wrong but went with those anyway.
A normal person has true consistent empathy straight across the board with compassion in every logical sense and if they don’t then there inlays the pathology.
In the beginning there had to be dog eat dog for survival of the fittest. But it got out of hand
Then came Jesus’s message!
Thank you Richard, I don't leave comments often, but this video compels me too. It's not just unbelievably insightful and well articulated but said in a very earthy and humorous way that doesn't put you above us, but with us. This is a very validating video. I felt so understood. I've saved it as a video to revisit and to show to my children, as proof or explanation of what happened.
I left after 11 years. I lost all interest in caring for the "small helpless little boy" and realized and recognized the actual "aggressive, abusive, insulting monster" was the real story, the real person and was not going to, had no intention, of changing.
The child had disappeared years ago
🙏🙏🙌🌸
It only too me a year with one to see him and leave. I nearly didn't make it. Sending you strength... love and compassion.
Is there a link to the emotional literacy video?
Cruel, Victim, Self Loathing. (and the third one gives me a bit of a chuckle sometimes)
I really needed to hear this,i got with my soon ex husband in 2011, lost my son in 2014, i was diagnosed with ptsd, ive been lied to,manipulated & abused by my FAKE husband for 12 years. This explains a lot about why I stayed just for him to brutally discard me for the secretary from his work. The divorce process is also a nightmare
I just wanted to add, this is what I was describing to my therapist. I also think narcissistic abuse erases memory in addition to this- it’s been three years into my journey healing from my family. From when I was young, every time I reported abuse I was told I didn’t remember things correctly. Over time, I also started to question my memory and “over write” what happened. It was so bad that one time my father punched me over me refusing to send my older sister money (she often asked me for huge amounts that it turns out she never needed, she would go on shopping sprees and I was saving it for college) I remember going back and forth with myself and even hearing my own voice say “that’s not what happened, you just don’t remember it correctly” the only thing that reminded me that I wasn’t tripping was the pain and swelling in my jaw. It took a few more years until I was financially stable and in a new city…guess what…I’ve started getting more and more of my memories back. And so much of my feelings and behaviours that had been stripped of context came back slowly by slowly. I still get new memories every other day and it’s great to know my life wasn’t a blur that I rose from 3 years ago. I feel like a person again.
Richard, you also get people who enable their behavior and that can make it worse. Not only is it happening to you, but now you have someone confirming that it's perfectly okay for them to act that way. Doubling the dose. I am working on my recovery. I love this video. Very meaningful!
I hate enablers. Why do they do that? Do they have that many poor boundaries? I don't see what it is that they get out of it that's worth the disrespect and the loss of self they also get. Aka the new supply. They brag about how they don't make the "mistakes" we did, but all I see is a person with even poorer boundaries and ignorant of what happens when you please every single thing the abusive person wants, who eventually will lose themselves, just like we did at some point. The way he treats her was the same way he treated me and it infuriates me how she's okay with the disrespect (I wasn't). The trying to make her do things she clearly doesn't feel comfortable doing, trying to make her be someone she clearly isn't. Losing herself in the process. Then the guy thinks it's funny to "playfully" smack her back hard enough, you can hear the smack, like a toddler, several times to get her attention, instead of calling her by her name. You'd think some couples get along like that, but she never ever does it back. So it's much obvious it's not a game between them. But she doesn't say anything. It's frustrating.
But it gives me a clearer picture of why it didn't and would've never ever worked out with that person. It's like they say, if you wanna stay with a narcissistic person, you need to accept the disrespect and the boundary violations, and also be aware that you will lose your personal time and space. Your world will revolve around them. Forever.
There’s one part of the process I think you need to complete the picture: The conditioning part where you actually succeed in comforting “the little child”. The “I feel safe with you” thing. This is essential for making the partner believing that it’s possible and hence by inference that it’s their own fault every next time some minor dissatisfaction or disagreement turns into rage and then discard.
Wow! A very unique POV on narcissistic abuse 😮
"The split is in you"
That lack of integration makes a lot of sense. And not even just in the current tense - remembering. You're accessing one memory bank or another at any given time, leaving your memories confused, and it's impossible to come to a clear, unwavering conclusion.
Narcissist : Bully🔻Victim🔺Rescuer ~ hit repeat. ♻️ Then there's the bystanders 😶...
Ooo I like that! Great visual 👌
@@brightstar4321 Hey beautiful 🌟 sorry I'm slow sorting email 📧 I'll get to it today! I was thinking about Maui 🔱🌊🌺🔥 too, wondering if those blue roofs played a part? 🎶 "I hate the world today.." 🎶 ttys xox 💖 The main thing keeping the narc 'operating by omission or echo' is those bystanders who say and do nothing in the face of bait and switch. 🙃
@@louisegarner8888 Hey Louise 😜 this song came in my mind after I read your comment. I was a bystander in my own life for years, gripping vociferously to my own illusions about the narcissist, so I can relate to that concept! I was dancing 💃🏼 in the crypt until I realized I’d be mummified there if I didn’t find my way out. With regard to Maui, there’s no doubt in my mind that Directed Energy Weapons were involved. It’s a sacred place, with sacred energy, and no corporeal or cosmic interference is going to change that, despite the recent and devastating damage done.
“Hearts afire creates love desire
Take you high and higher to the world you belong
Hearts afire creates love desire
High and higher to your place on the throne
We come together on this special day
Sing our message loud and clear
Looking back, we've touched on sorrowful days (well)
Future, past, they disappear
You will find (you fill find) peace of mind (yeah)
If you look way down in your heart and soul
Don't hesitate 'cause the world seems cold
Stay young at heart”
~Earth 🌎 Wind & Fire🔥, That’s the Way of the World 🎶
Yes, brings to mind "Karpman's Drama Triangle": (Persecutor, Victim, Rescuer) but they mostly assume the role of the Persecutor or Victim role
@@rolandgervais154 Yes the Karpman drama triangle.
Idk, I've seen many who rescue new supply to triangulate and betray when discarding old to name one scenario. Also while maintaining old, zombied to doormat supply they'll give them compliments. confidence boosting labels and comparisons to revive them may be seen as a rescue? It's only ever to the narc's advantage though. The rescue is so they can play hero to those they've abused coercively over and over but only if they're useful to the narc, depending of where their victim's status lies, it can be audacious call outs and rewards or covertly insiduous such as in the form of small drips, breadcrumbs, dog whistles.
Imagine living with twins (one is broken, victim, scapegoat) the other is strong, competent, married), both have split personality??? X
I can totally relate to this and when its family its so confusing ..this is such a wake up call for many of us ..thank you for this wisdom and observations .I find the hardest thing is when the Narcissist gets others to work alongside them ,I call them the dancing monkeys ,the Narcissist has to have a best friend and a worse enemy and too soon You become the enemy if you do not give the supply they need at any given time ...I will watch this again its so spot on I need to have This memory ...Thanks .
It is indeed very confusing when it’s family who are supposed to love you.
This perfectly explains the formation of the fearful-avoidant attachment style when developed in childhood from parental narcissistic abuse.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have said I could be sat with one person on the sofa, gone to the kitchen, come back and sat down with a completely different person! My therapist said a Narc’s personality is unstable, now I fully understand how!! I’ve spent 18 months researching this 🙈
I went through a period where I had Aphasia, like someone who had suffered a stroke. I went for an MRI. Nothing was found. This explains everything about what I had gone through! Thank you, Richard!!❤
Omgosh this was one of the best articulated pieces I've ever heard! You get a standing Ovation for this one! This just totally blew my mind! Especially what you said at the end! I've been describing my pile of gray rocked/ door slammed individuals first as my narcissistic mother but mostly as soulless emotional vampires. That were sucking the emotional life force out of me my entire life! Its like they loved sucking on the tears/ fear as i cried. These are very dangerous individuals! The last one gave me a blunt head trauma, stabbed me in two different places, beat me with a lead pipe across my lower back and a upright vacuum across my left shoulder. I've had to quite literally grab what little belongings I could and run for my life! Leaving behind mutual friends , family, changing my location, Phone number, ect .and everything about myself.
I've done this so many times now that I've been in isolation for like 4 years and getting therapy once a week but over zoom because I don't want to leave my house. I Feel like I'm afraid of my own shadow! Afraid to go out into the light. Scratching my head at how to rebuild and get these past spider webs off of me at the age of 53. I'd like to be the main character and star in my own life movie.
I am a INFJ personality and have way way to much empathy. I describe myself now as my people picker being broken! So I'm afraid to even let people get to close to me and am unwinding the "freeze" rubber band that has had me bound and silenced "totally a deer in headlights"since my childhood. Therapy helped for a short time and allowed me to get back the proper fight or flight response. I feel like these soulless wonders search for people with a lot of empathy and prey on them.
I also feel the world currently needs the empaths to step out of the shadows and let there beautiful souls feel the warmth of the sunshine. We should be spreading the very soul essences and gifts we were born with and have to offer the 🌎 world.. That these emotional vampires were feeding on. Of coarse,after making ourselves whole again and doing a lot of work on healthy boundaries. This was so spot on to my life. Seriously I think you should win some kind of award for this. Bravo!!!! Oh and sorry I know I just totally over shared but this gives me hope at exposing these people and hopefully figuring out ways to identify them as early as possible. Also getting this information out to child with safe havens where they can flee too once they have uncovered a narcissistic parent. Thank you so much and I will be binge watching 👀 more of your content. God Bless anyone who is stuck in this dynamic. Please you must set yourselves free... These people are trying to kill you emotionally, spiritually and physically.. Much love and wellness to all...
I 👁️ you. ❤. Thank you.
Dr ramani on TH-cam and Spotify is also great resource.
Holy Split second!!😬 My life past 47 yrs. Finally went no contact, 30 days ago. Your videos are spot on! Thank you!! I took a huge breath yesterday, and said a prayer.
Side note, my 3 adult children asked me, many yrs ago, if their mom had multiple personalities??😮 wow. Wow wow.
This is all so accurate and scary as heck. Sadly this is my son. Hes 20 now but he goes from calling me names to making me feel guilty for things that happened years ago. He smashes my things when he gets in a rage and says he wants me dead. All ive ever done is love and care for him and never said a bad thing to him. It hurts so much that hes at his grandparents now and i feel the only answer is anti psychotic medicine which he refused to take because he thinks hes ok and everyone else is the problem 😢
You just explained everything in such a comprehensive way…it’s something we can clearly understand and grasp. Blood sucking, draining, bound to control. The physical toll and mental grinding down on your soul leaves you feeling hopeless and anxious. Richard, you have a way to getting through unlike many other “experts” - thank you 🙏
Nailed it Richard - like a game of table tennis, pinging between two different people in the same shell. Thanks.
Its so natural to try to understand people...its good to know what isnt normal. That so much effort to reach someone during their nice times is fruitless.
One of those personalities is to keep you thinking the narcissist is nice now or has changed for the better, so you let your guard down with them. Then, what feels like a millisecond later, the narcissist goes back to acting like a child and creating arguments out of a normal and calm conversation. Its so exhausting.
I think you are right on with this video. I have thought of narcissists often as vampires. One of the biggest rules of a vampire is that they can’t just come into your life. You have to let them in. There’s always a point where they ask if they can come in and you can choose to say yes. So the biggest aspect is you can always ask them to leave. The victim has the power and the power is going no contact, that is the closure because just as you say, the schizophrenic aspect of their personality is very hard to get emotional closure with. Because it is very true that it is very hard to reconcile. They can act as a victim sometimes and they can be a bully at another time. They can have two strategies in the same narcissistic person.
THIS IS IT!!! Thank You!
I have to buy your course, because I believe you truly understand what I'm going through. The guilt is overwhelming😢. I want out of the insanity. Jesus help me, enough is enough. My life needs normalcy.
Well this explains my near constant headache.
This is exactly how I separated the bad and the good. Why didn't I leave him? Because I projected hope that he was more good than bad. I came upon a video that explained Radical Acceptance. I always passed it up because I knew that the reality, which I avoided for years, would be the beginning of the pain I would go through while I had to let go of everything I didn't want to face, him. He is what his actions tell me and not the words he wants me to hear.
My God. Talk about a revelation.
Thank you for this.
This explains it perfectly. I lived it, then became aware of it.
That was depressing. Informative, thank you, and depressing. I have a 13 year old stepdaughter that has been suffering her narcissistic mother's abuse for years. She came so close to leaving her and something flipped. She failed to tell CPS the truth about an incident where her mother threatened suicide and then flipped it on her daughter trying to gaslight her and threatening to put her in a mental institution. Daughter wanted out of the situation, we were looking for attorneys. A couple of days went by without the mother allowing contact and then the daughter said she wanted to stay. She has been distant ever since. Dark tragedy. We already went to court once and the mother manipulated everyone. It's like the universe is telling us to stop. She had a way out and chose to stay. There's no record of the incident because she chose not to tell the truth so they closed the case with no findings. Hoping she finds the strength and clarity to choose to get out when she turns 18. Her mother is currently love bombing her like crazy.
My twin sister has this split. In spiritual language, I call it a fractured soul. The soul is mind, will, emotions. The split pieces are partnered with the enemy. The person switches like a chameleon as needed. But they don't let their guard down no matter who it is.
Thank you for this video. This is exactly where I am at... on one hand, I am deeply afraid of him - due to his threats, harassment, blackmail, scheming, etc. But on the other hand, I feel terribly guilty for leaving a little wounded boy who is full of shame and self-hate. UGH.
Nailed it perfectly Richard! It's SO hard to leave though - especially an aged sick parent who is literally in their last years/months but who is sucking the life out of everyone around them. Brutal place to be. Excruciating choice.
My narcissist has the personality of Norman Bates!
You are spot on. After 39 years of marriage your explanation of everything including the ending about being afraid of people is exactly what was happening. This entire disorder is one big mind f**k.
Thank you so much, for the most accurate description of what I have been experiencing throughout my marriage to a covert narcissist. The interplay of these different personalities you have to manage in them truly makes you question if you’re the crazy one. It is a trap without compare.
YES!
Thank goodness for EMDR trauma therapy and your emotional literacy course! They helped to put ME back into the present.
First 50 years of my life bouncing back and forth between righteous anger toward my father’s rages and guilt at his seeming vulnerability. Then another 24 years with the ex-partner (30 lived with him, some years overlapping my life with my father), and I was able to RECOGNIZE the two parts of his personality and integrate them in my mind. When I saw the ex-partner’s bullying as temper tantrums and his vulnerability as manipulation, I saw them both as if he were a child.
I could grin (inside my mind, because a physically large man is dangerous) and not relent in the holding of my boundaries. The guilt I felt disappeared, when I saw the childish manipulation for what it was.
Over 6.5 years away from him and again in therapy in order to remain PRESENT to my life, I see that my father’s label of my mother as a “schizophrenic” was correct, from your outline of how dissociation takes place.
Thank you for clarifying the healing process.
Gods, I can't imagine what you've been through, having been with one of these individuals for only a year. Thank you for sharing, friend.
@@naiyalexic
Yep. Long time. Trained by “dad”. I’m glad I learned to be anti- authoritarian (from dad’s insistence on HIS way or the highway). I eventually got out. Trauma therapy helped, heaps.
I am at 20 years now and I’m done. I’ve already emotionally detached and I’ve exited the shared fantasy. Sam was right that once you mortify the narcissist they won’t hoover you. This is the strangest thing I’ve experienced even more than the double person ridiculousness. He doesn’t know what to do now but he knows he can’t communicate with me since I don’t participate in any of the manipulation tactics he does to get me to react. There is no more reaction and his almost dumbfounded. But I don’t know what’s next or how he’ll act being mortified like this. He’s an aggressive retaliator who has no sense of moral or ethical boundaries he should adhere to, no standards. So anything is possible here, everything is on the table. I hope he just goes away and stays gone, but his mother doesn’t let him not attack and fight me. She’s a horrible person that enables his physical violence towards me. I don’t know if he’s so mortified that he’ll ignore her or not.
No doubt his mother takes great pleasure in him upsetting You in any and every way possible - she's been jealous of You since the day he introduced her to You.
Don’t let him have access to you. Get the authorities involved if need be… stop wondering what will happen next and take full control.
@@AlessiaBlueI’m so glad you are moving forwards and realised what they were trying to do so never to take the bait again. They live their delusion because if they ever accepted their truth it would lead to self annihilation. Their coping survival mechanism is to lie just to stay alive. They choose not to do the hard work to change because living a fake life is easier for them to get their fix from their deception and victims. If we can all spot the red flags and ignore these ppl or put them in rehabilitation, humanity would be much better off.
This description is absolutely perfect for what I saw in my covert narcissist mother and I fell for a narcissist who did the same and I was trapped in a trauma bonding situation and I eventually split into bipolar disorder.
I ended up in the nuthouse not them.
They should have been locked up not me.
They were unbelievably abusive .
The trauma in me was horrendous because I was the scapegoat of the family. I had a hateful mother who had also her golden children who she adored and despised me.
You always get pulled in because the victim poor me child would show up and you felt you had to rescue them.
Because they are seriously injured children you just want to comfort if you are the empath
On the floor.... but I can see the light. Mr Grannon ì thank you
Dieses Video ist für mich besonders lehrreich, da es einen Aspekt betrachtet, den ich als Ex Partnerin eines N vernachlässigt habe.
this is absolutely genius. i need to watch this 3 more times to process this 🤯
Thank you from the bottom of my torned heart for putting this schizophrenic experience into a fathomable context. I´ve just left a narcissistic trauma bonded relationship after 14 years in hell. And I have finally realized that the devil and prince charming was the same person. I´m doing my very best to look at myself as an extremely strong woman instead of a stupid and fooled one.
Living in my car for now. Its not easy but my stomach isnt in knots from her confusing abuse and i have time to myself and breathe.
Best of luck with a better future.
@@nessauk2786 Thankyou. All the very best to you also.
@@stephenbell-kv5ljRemove them from your thoughts whenever you ruminate tell them to get out , it really helps.Hoping you get somewhere else to live soon and well done for escaping...x
Wtf! I just looked up dissociative identity disorder and schizophrenia this morning! You making this video is so much confirmation for me that I know what’s happening and why I feel stuck!
In all my life, I have NEVER allowed any form of disrespect, nvm abuse, so I couldn’t figure out why I was still going back to that abusive environment and suffering…now I know.
Same sentiments exactly!
Wow Richard although this was recorded 8months ago it only popped up on my feed today. I left my 45 year abusive marriage almost a year ago. He has full blown malignant but vulnerable NPD but I knew nothing about NPD until about 6months before I left. My daughter told me to look it up and I knew I had to leave. I had all the plans in place. Then he got diagnosed with cancer and the other side to NPD kicked in as did my response to it. Once he knew he was cured, Mr Nasty came back and my other side kicked in in response. Then I fled for my safety. He is in prison for breaking restraining orders but now I cannot break the trauma bond and your video has shown me why. I separate the abuse and nastiness and my response to it, from the vulnerability and wanting to look after him response. I need to work on marrying the 2 together otherwise he will be in my head forever and I can't move on. I' m having therapy via Women's Aid doing the Power to Change course. Now I know what the problem is maybe I'll have more success. Thank you.
That was very good analogy. I had temporary state of dissociation. It's insane.
International Narcissistic Abuse Awareness day , June 1st
The emotional literacy exercises were immensely helpful for integration. Revisiting the work has also been beneficial even after the trauma bond.
I still do the Emotional literacy exercises on a regular basis, even though I have glioblastoma, a nasty tumour in my brain and it really helps
Three parts: either Tyrant or Victim at home and ...? Charmer and loving you in public..!! Three different hard drives. You go craaaaazy. One of the best clues you give: THEY ARE ONE PERSON. As you say: become aware of your inner division and see how you got confused, and become one again. Both my father and my mother had all three sides, each in their unique play out. It was vital to completely disconnect, not just from them, but from their combined theatre. It's still weird though, to acknowledge I did not have real parents. That I was raised in a play (in a horror story actually). But now I can. I got out of the tomb. In my core I am a source of love, so I bath in that love, and a true person. And that last vital disconnect I made largely by listening to you Richard, and I am soooooo grateful to you. It's HUGE what you do for us.
This is essential for those who (thanks to you, Dr. Grannon)- once concluded that they are with a bullying narc, but then decided that they aren't, based on the softer/victim side... the disorientation and dissociation is sadly so real.
Knowing that this is a distinct pattern (that has unfortunately occurred for many others) helps me see the true reality.
Okay... whoa.. I just got to near the end.. the whole bit about how I came out of the tomb in a state of fear and confusion.. afraid of people.. afraid of the light. This just blew my mind.
It's really interesting, I've been describing living with my spouse as living with 2 or 3 ppl at the same time, and yet there's only him, and I've watched him switch from bully to little boy victim in a split second. So when he shows up as a little broken child, I remind myself what a bastard he really is. And I this way I do lose sight of the vampire he is.
Brilliant. It’s so clear now. 17 years and free for 3.
🤯 this makes sooooooo much sense. I am mind blown.
Great take. I agree regarding dissociation and the trauma bond explanation. It explains why people that are partly aholes are more dangerous than full blown aholes (enablers: they have their good sides; nobody is perfect), because the latter do not cause this split. I too think such abuse can cause Structural Dissociation - a somewhat new concept that brings PTSD, partial DID and DID onto a continuum, and is researched by Prof. Schlumpf in Switzerland for the neurological bases using MRI. I think that a lot of our civilization suffered from such dynamics of abuse and split and abuse again. And we can watch insanity live today when it comes to USA or Russia. Unfortunately, our civilization has embraced such highly disturbed individuals in a lot of leadership positions because of their alleged merit, neglecting the long term costs. Not just at nation leader level, but companies to local clubs.
USA and Russia is supposed to mean Trump and Putin
You are right; this is my wife, my soon-to-be ex. I filed once I realized this. I do not talk to her because you cannot reason with someone like this. Thanks, Richard. You are right. She is also a Gemini-two personalities!
I’ve never heard a more insightful analysis.
Thank you so much for answering the questions that I have struggled with for months. Yes, it is one person, not two.
Aww yess. Shutter Island and vampire analogies are extremely precise
I went through this for 15 years wondering what i could've done better and slowly losing my identity.
Time and again, you describe my mother to a tee! I think you just described why I’m trapped in the past, why I’m so afraid of the world?
Hallelujah, praise the Lord!!! Richard Grannon, you just solved the biggest riddle I have been grappling with since 2015!!! Thank you, thank you!🙏
Everytime I feel anger and resentment for all the things he's destroyed in my life or I talk about the fact he's an abuse the guilt kicks in because I'm being disloyal to the other side of him. 6:00
This makes so much sense with the freeze state and the disassociation. 8:50**
Very correct. Therapy should be compulsory prescribed by GP. So they do less damage.
Deadly, distressing dynamic masterfully illustrated and articulated in less then 15 minutes! So artfully done, you are a master of your craft. Good work! Much Gratitude.
Crazy making! It makes you think you are losing your mind...i felt it but didnt know how to identify it until now. OMG....this was so enlightening.
I always wondered why I can't remember things properly and always get brainfog when trying. It's a very helpful explanation, which resonates strongly with me! Thank you very much, Mr. Grannon!
Perfectly described my son’s mother.
oh My God tbh,when u talk it feels like my grandfather speaking to me in the traditional (healing) way,i wanna keep listening to you,it goes deep into the soul and it heals something inside which is unexplainable for me because I have been in a narcissistic relationship for 6 years....i hope u make more and more videos like this 😢😢😢
And it is his vulnerable inner child I still emphatize with a lot (4 years of no contact)
He’s dead inside 👩 that child he exposed you to disappeared along with emotions when he was age two 🤦♀️ no one not even his mother can retrieve him now 👩 like a fly stuck in amber forever
I went to see Richards seminar in December 2023 in London based on his well worth reading book A customer
Cult of one . Extremely well presented highly informative and answered alot of questions.I was glued to my seat
I actually struggled with three personalities in my husband, the two you described plus the passive aggressive one: cold, absent, dismissive, silent. He could be like that for months on end. It was torture.
Thanks Richard, after listening to so many different angles on breaking the trauma bond, you have given me the key! I now, am so much better equipped to let her go. Eleven days left to our court date, and after dozens of weeks of seriously reconsidering going back, I now know that the key is to integrate the separately stored memories! 7 yrs of trauma, and I still could not let her go! Now I can! Good on you!
It's funny, your description made me think of a novel from the 1740s about a cold-hearted rake who kidnaps a young woman and sets about seducing her. It's called Clarissa, and in several places the various characters actually calmly discuss this method of exhausting a victim by coming at her with different strategies to confuse and weary her into submission. One character writes, "Lovelace, than whom no man was ever more polite and obsequious at the beginning, has hit the very point. For his turbulence since, his readiness to offend, and his equal readiness to humble himself, (as must keep a woman's passion alive); and at last tire her into a non-resistance that shall make her as passive as a tyrant-husband would wish her to be."