I wasn't able to show anger before, so I always turned my anger into crying and sadness. Learning with my psychologist to express anger is the best relief and my life is brighter. With that I also learned to keep my opinion and don't let others "walk over me". (My problem was with not wanting to hurt others or cause any damage to anything at all)
Looks like a lot of the commentators here are confusing drama with true anger, which, as the speaker points out, is an emotion that warns us of an indignity or injustice. Drama isn't to be confused with real anger. Dramatic anger is used to control, frighten, or stifle another person. I think the speaker does a good job of keeping it straight. She's addressing societal norms that teach girls to suppress their own true voice. And for those guys feeling hard done by because this isn't about men, relax. She acknowledges that boys are hurt by social expectations too, only in a different way. It is ok for us to talk about women's needs. It does not negate male needs.
Karin Tate well ma’am I have to disagree with you. Maybe that works for a white man but I’m a black man and I don’t know if you know or not but nothing has ever been done for us black men. So us latino and black men are looking around like where’s the justice for us?
She said women can't express anger and men are rewarded for it but had already said a angry black man is looked at with fear and not rewarded and most definitely not respected.
this is basically why, when u ask ur girlfriend if she's angry or something's wrong she just keeps silent about it until she cant keep it inside anymore
@ only because she feels completely comfortable around you, probably. Sounds like a positive thing to me, the only problem that arises is probably that with no inhibitions its easy to be rude. But its important to remember it probably (hopefully) comes out of love :)
@@petalchild She makes the choice to be angry....as opposed to doing something constructive. Remember...anger is a purely destructive emotion and accomplishes nothing. Angry people add nothing to the lives of those around them so it is best to avoid them
To all the people misundertanding in the comments shes not saying "male anger bad, femail anger good" she's saying "emotionally intelgent, productive, anger is good for both men and women and should be respected as such"
It's sad that so many women have to be driven over the edge and to "Express anger inappropriately" I guess it's better to harm yourself cosmetically then to be a real woman with real rage at how society marginalizes us we could because we don't fit the ideal mode and once we're done using our good intentions natural politeness and enthusiasm to help
I get exactly what she is saying. The shame is always the worst feeling afterwards. Being labeled a crazy bitch, ghetto, ratchet, you name it. I lashed out at a group of guys that sexually harassed me everyday on my way home, I had just had enough up until then. But they just didn't take me seriously and made fun of me, which only made me angrier but also ashamed of myself for the way I reacted.
Well, I live in the Middle East and when i was 16 yrs old my mom decided to take to a psychologist because i would get angry and mad on the simplest things.. when i went there he told that a girl being angry mean that she’s not respectful and if there was a man in my house he would punish me and maybe slap me because i was misbehaving and good girls should never get angry or raise their voices .. i was shocked ... sorry for my bad english though.
Don’t apologize, you have no reason to do so. Your comment is clear, concise, and is an aid to the video by adding you own personal experience. As you can see with the other reply, people will you that as an excuse to find fault when there is none and to ridicule. Do not under estimate your ability in this as you have so much more reason to be proud of your ability instead.
Not all anger is created equal. Sometimes anger is expressed inappropriately, but sometimes it creates the deepest clarity in those of us who are self-aware.
the best part. we often sacrifice so much of ourselves to just be safe. i want to be kind and friendly but no... we learn to speak their language so that we can have a place in their world. we are trying to survive.
This is one of the best things I've ever heard in my life and its sickening to hear how true it is that even today women (including me) feel that way..
So many trolls in the comments. Maybe one day they will actually listen to the entire talk, without any ridiculous internal monologue refuting each and every word that comes out of her mouth. One day I hope they not only listen to the words but hear the wisdom. Until the Jamie Z (& the others) it is your personal loss for being all about the bs and not about attempting to learn ANYTHING about the world beyond your personal bubble.
We still socialize children to behave in binary and oppositional ways.. boys are held to absurd, rigid norms of masculinity- taught to embrace anger and aggression as markers of "real manhood." Girls, on the other hand, are socialized to ruminate and swallow their pride. We fail BOTH of them by not giving her anger the uptake and resolution that it deserves. -Soraya Chemaly
Anger confuses people in power. They see it as their judgment, which it should be -- "Yes... I'm pist off and I've every right to be. But you know it was long over due" It's okay to be anger when used at the right time. Make noise when you have to so people don't just keep walking all over you for money and greed. And even if they do after you made noise, someone will have heard your voice and others thereafter, and hopefully the madness will end. How did empires fall? People protested. They made noise, and from that noise came action. Physics. Let the haunted asylum be heard.
In what world is visible anger a virtue? Everyone gets angry. Expressing anger through violence, tantrums, yelling, etc is not a virtue for either men or women. Never has an angry white man been viewed as virtuous because he’s angry. Everyone, including women, should learn to handle their anger with maturity and without getting heated. Women should NOT feel singled out, but they SHOULD feel guilty or even wrong if they handle their anger with impulsivity and visible anger. As should men. I’ve literally never seen someone scold a women for simply being angry.
i'd suggest that a portion of the voting populace of the US currently appreciates and openly lauds the power and charisma of an angry man, so i'd disagree with your use of "never". that said? i agree that no action taken or word communicated in anger has ever done anything constructive and should never be encouraged, regardless of the sex of the person responsible for it.
Apparently, the speaker herself is not supporting the "tantrum', "yelling" kind of anger, but the rational and healthy anger that one should have to express their discomfort and protect themselves. Shouting man or woman are equally looked down at, but a woman who says no or expresses her discomfort straightforwardly is often not taken as seriously as a man doing so. And in campaigns, you see people holding up gestures and raising voices in their speeches right? When men do it, people perceive it as a kind of powerful way of delivering a speech. But for women, people are less likely to favor these gestures, perceive it as rage or being triggered. Which is not fair and unhealthy.
my nguyen I have never seen this to be true. If it were, I would agree with you. But this woman described her anger as rage, screaming, and tantrums. I have lived in a very masculine environment my entire life, and I have never seen a woman looked down on for simply raising their voices or really just being passionate as you’ve described. If that is the case in other places, then that’s wrong and should be addressed. But this woman’s approach is not in line with what you or I have argued.
This woman is an author, not a scientist or a psychologist. Anger is not an emotion to cling to. Most anger is not righteous. Anger turns to rage and violence.
Felt compelled, given all the men commenting negatively on this video, to share. It was a very interesting watch/listen and a learning experience. Seemed like she was speaking a lot of truth from what I could tell.
Thank You Soraya Chemaly. Your words are profound & still utterly necessary in this world. Now if only we could teach more people to actually Listen to the Wisdom. Every little bit makes a difference. I may not change the world. But I can change the world for some. They in turn can pass it on.
It's obvious by the comments below that people aren't actually hearing the speaker and what enrages somebody more than anything else not being heard the criticisms below reflect an intentional ignorance on the part of the writers
I watched this 3x in the past hours. Saved to my favorites list. Finally. The timing couldn’t be better to hear that I’m not the only woman who understands this.Thank you Miss Soraya Chemaly~
In what scenario are men specifically rewarded for being angry? The answer is no scenario whatsoever, other than scenarios where women are also rewarded for being angry, such as a strict teacher getting better results from their students, or a sportsman/woman driven to a win by embracing their anger. Her entire argument is based on this incorrect assumption.
Oh yeah! She is some incorrect idiot! That’s why is on on Ted. She gives a very clear example of how this little bully was rewarded by given more space to roam and freedom to keep doing what he was doing. Best example of all: the biggest bully on this planet got elected for a presidency!! Please, don’t try to tell yourself that he got it because he is such a great business or has other accomplishments hahaha. But, no, she is insane! No, men never get reworded for pushing their elbows.
War, men get medals for getting angry and winning battles (no medals for the losers). Women are welcome to join them, like in Israel. The US has opened many combat arms military jobs for women.
Sports and military come immediately to mind in specific response to that question. They are rewarded for taking out the opponent. Thankyou for asking.
I'm not really sure what scenario either, but maybe in politics? Her entire argument isn't actually based on that though. I think the more important point she made was that girls are not being taught to express their anger in a way that helps them.
With all due respect, I personally believe that both men and women experience suppressed anger. I even think that men are actually more suppressed as society tends to tell them to 'shut up and grow a pair you pussy' instead of letting them out. In addition I find that women get way more attention than men when they express either anger or sadness through actions like yelling or crying whereas men are not as likely. So I personally disagree with her view.
Happened a few days ago with my girlfriend, she was on edge and grumpy and taking it out on me. I took it on the chin and didn't complain. I did however tell her in a non angry way a few days later. But hey my toxic masculinity took control.
@@writerconsidered give yourself a gold star for being normal! And hey, one guy that wasn't aggressive 'a few days ago' is a real proof that toxic masculinity is a hoax invented by women.
@@user-pv6lj2no2d well males have testosterone, its easy for them to get mad. Therefore making it hard for them to control their anger. But most of them try to control their anger, so its a great thing
How? And what motivates you to do so? I suspect you're conflating or confusing anger as an emotion with some particular notion of anger as a performance?? What does "anger" mean to you, in this statement?
If it didn't anger you, then why would you need to stand up for yourself? Gotta get a little pissed off to gather yourself up and defend. Or it wouldn't happen.
I can't believe how many people don't understand her point. Or don't want to so that they can maintain the male privilege. Let me simply what she is saying: women have the right to be angry when they are attacked and should express it in a healthy way. Some stiuations requires the person to express anger to defend oneself from being bullied abuse, harassed, or even disrespected. Anger is a way of saying, NO MORE, I'V HAD ENOUGH. as long as the truth is said and there's no physical harm. She isn't saying be crazy and get angry at everything, she is saying be angry when someone is attacking you. It's an acceptable defense mechanism. It goes for men and women.
i defended my life in 2016 because police would not help against man trying to kill me. I lost everything and police changed their report to say i had not wanted help when i was begging them to stay til i could get out because i feared man would come back and he did.
the message I took away from this video is that you should always question those who have more power than you, because they will likely not live up tho the standard that they set for you.
Men always sad & upset when the speakers don't talk about them. As if they are the only creature who living in this world. You know the world doesn't revolve around you
I am someone who continually reflects on his own anger problems. There's good information in this talk, but it's muddled up by gender assignments. Assigning gender specifics to unhealthy anger management is counterproductive to the problem. It cherry picks. Anger is not gender specific, and neither are the potential solutions. She's right in saying that anger is an indicator of a value being threatened. It is the "fight" response in the "fight-flight-freeze" triad. Anger arises when the individual perceives some sort of destabilization or threat of destabilization to a value system, whether it be safety, social status, respect, financial pressure, or whatever. That is universal to all individuals, even animals, insofar as they can perceive their place in some kind of environmental homeostasis. While it is possible for modern gender stereotypes to encourage anger to be expressed in different ways, it is not the root of the issue. I have found that passive-aggression is one of the less talked about responses to the emotion. While I have seen this response typically in women, it is not specific to women. Throwing a tantrum or outburst, more commonly addressed, is another way. I have seen that in a majority of men, but again, it is not specific to men. Both responses are equally as destructive and equally as telling. Both lend to the idea that the individual is experiencing the threat without experiencing a pathway to understanding and dealing with that emotion in measured, constructive ways. And as someone who has unfortunately had plenty of experience ranting and raving wildly at anger, and as a white male: No, I am not regarded as having civic virtue. I am regarded as being petty, whiny, immature, and even a little manic. And yes, even I have been told to bottle up the anger and not get so mad about things. That is a problem for ANY gender.
Great great talk . It's beautiful that an individual women trained can prove how power full she is. Many such beautiful talks are on. Thank you, bless you. All your dreams come true.
Regardless of gender, race or pick any other faction in life anger is not the problem. In-appropriately expressed anger which 1 dis-respects the person you are angry with (thereby shutting down the conversation amd halting the path to a peaceful resolution) or 2 becomes an outburst rather than an expression of emotion are bad for all societies as a whole. Men are taught this very lesson from an early age (to varying degree’s of success. The shuttering of women’s anger not only hurts them but also innoculates them from learnjng the consequences of anger (which men are acutely aware of)
On one hand, I would agree with you that ‘inappropriately’ expressed anger may be disrespectful in particular situations, but certainly not all. Have you ever been verbally, physically or psychologically threatened by a male? You try keeping your cool & expressing your anger (fear) in a ‘nice’ & “appropriate” way… Your blanket-statement claim that “men are taught this very lesson from an early age…” seems delusional to me & I see no evidence of “success” on any level. The “shuttering of women's anger” is all part of Women’s oppression - racism & sexism - & does far more than “hurt them”. How on earth you can claim that it “inoculates them from learning the consequences of anger” is astonishing & further proves your skewed perception. It is WOMEN - worldwide - who are “acutely aware” of the consequences of - men’s - anger, be it overt or covert. Until men evolve to cultivate the balls/guts/courage/emotional intelligence to handle Women’s justifiable anger - to really listen to Her, to deeply respect Her - we cannot move forward as a global community. Racism, sexism & violence against women (including the silent, coercive, covert violence) ought to be our primary concerns as human beings. Without addressing & healing these ills, we continue along the path of destruction. And yes, it is ALL of our responsibility. And, it’s high time men step up & take the responsibility that is theirs. It’s 2024. End of rant. Oh. Am I a woman? Yes. Am I angry? Yes. Do I have a right to be? Abbasofukinglyootly.
A man said to me today ”Your aggression and anger are not okay” after I had tried to start a converstation about misogyny, and getting so frustrated of him 1. ”Not understanding” what I am talking about 2. Defending himself 3. Explaining ro me about laws of nature and testosterone 4. Being upset because they can not say anything these days. 5. Telling me I am overreacting 6. Telling me he does not hate women, but that actually he lives very ”matriarchally”, which he could not explain further... etc So I came here. He said my anger is NOT OK. And that I should get professional help.
I think he needs help, he seems delusional about reality. how can men condone women’s aggression and anger when men have openly displayed even more aggression for forever ?
It's ok to be angry. Just dont let your emotions get the best of you is what people should say. Use it to be determined and not steered to do wrong. Physical, Mental, Emotional is what has been given to us and should be used to fix issues and grow relationships for others and definitely ourselves.
Sorry, this is just lame. An angry black man is seen as a dangerous criminal and white man is seen as civic virtue? By whom exactly? Men are rewarded for anger? Sorry, that’s idiotic. *Some* men channel negative emotions in a useful, productive way, just like *some* women do. Whining about how others react to your behavior, and blaming the reaction rather than the behavior, is not useful or productive.
I was there, the freesbee's moment. An absolutelty enlightened moment, a bit too much? Maybe. Sorry for the cute dishes. But that moment was a total liberation and portal to a way better version of myself.
Anger is neither good or bad. Culture reserves anger as the moral property of men. Anger confirms masculinity, and confounds femininity. We preference the power and privilege of masculinity over women and children. Men of power don't take women seriously. Think in terms of competence, and not gender. #TedTalk twitter.com/tedstalkin
Women being angry in public and being accepted? Sure, why not. I can't wait for men to stop holding themselves in either. Should be fun. More yelling, more pumping veins, more harsh remarks you can't take back.. Sounds like it would do wonders for any society. Look, lady, I'm sorry you have lived a life in which you felt like you had to repress your feelings.. But a lot of us do it. Things would be a mess if no-one did that. Good things happen if we focus on getting along instead of having a conflict at every opportunity. I think that is more desirable for our community, and I'll gladly sacrifice some of my expression for that.
Wow sounds like you never go outside. The ones bitching the loudest in public is always old people and soccer mom's. If you seriously never hear anger, you need to go out more.
As a woman, so far the only person who has managed to make me angry, is my own mother LOL I just cant deal with this woman lol but really no one else... I dont think I agree that women arent allowed to be angry o.o I cant relate to this topic at all. Maybe here in Europe we are different lol but we all pretty chilled here lol
I feel like this would have had that extra something if she'd just used more examples of exactly what she means, so we can understand the manifestations of feelings and societal standards she's trying to explain
Perhaps you just need to get out more & open your eyes to women’s oppression. It’s rampant in every corner of the globe, regardless of race, class, religion or sexual preference Good on you for watching this video. At least that’s a start…
I've never stopped watching a TED Talk in the middle of it. This woman is wrong on so many levels, and continues to assume and tell others bad information.
I really appreciate this talk. I am really surprised at how much hate and questioning there is on this talk. I haven't seen a questioning comment from a woman. Just saying. Just as women can't understand men's challenges, men can't understand women's challenges. Like she says, stop telling us to shut up. Just stop. Just. Stop. The only TED talks I've seen that get so much hate is on talks about the subtle or vulnerable struggles of women, and most negative comments are from men. What does that show? It's honestly like when kids would argue in middle school about whether a period or a kick to a male groin would hurt worse. Neither will know, so stop telling each other, "It's not nearly as bad as you think it is."
Womens anger is cute and silly and the tantrums are entertaining. If you saw a man's real anger, not when he is mad, but genuinely furious, then you would be terrified.
Any person, out of anger or love of the presidency, might demolish the foundations of hundreds of thousands of families, and none of the animals has this flame in his fire.
Men and women have been on the same planet for the exact same amount of time, in almost exactly the same numbers. Someone needs to explain to me how women are just as strong and resourceful as men while at the same time finding themselves is such a terribly awfully repressed position. The fact is that men and women built our current society together, complete with its norms and expectations.
For the people that don’t get it: This issue doesn’t affect you so you don’t see it exists. Stop trampling on concepts that are REAL just because you don’t “believe” it. Ask any woman in your life if they have experienced this! Also it’s irrelevant if you identify as a woman either - just because YOU personally are not experiencing something does not mean it isn’t happening. The world does not revolve around your 1 lone perspective. Why not try to understand or at least do something other than saying NO NOT REAL. Maybe it’s so unfathomable to you because actually this type of experience is totally unacceptable and unjust to you and you wouldn’t want anyone to feel this way. You don’t agree people should feel this way - it’s horrible and not good. But women DO feel like this. How can you discredit real lived experiences? It just doesn’t make sense. Or you’re just an ignorant idiot...
Well, see it like this ,Jim. A man's anger can kill a person. Generally speaking, women's doesn't. Statistically speaking. Male anger and violence is deadly and prolific. Those are sadly the facts. So I'd rather that anger be tasered, since I can't guarantee my safety and security at the hands of some men.
There are two types of anger, one is good and the other is bad. Righteous anger is good. Some evil is being perpetrated, and the person wants to stop that evil. The anger is NOT directed at a person, it is directed at the evil a person is engaging in. In fact, the person with righteous anger loves the person committing the evil, but simultaneously hates the evil. A good example, your loved one is addicted to drugs. They hate the drug use but love the person. The other kind of anger is wholly destructive. It is the person who is refusing to forgive someone who has hurt them. The anger is directed at the person. That person might even be dead, but the anger persists. The famous prayer "The Our Father", addresses this in the phrase "forgive us our trespasses as we have forgiven those who trespass against us". This phrase is directing us to forgive everybody in our lives who has hurt us in any way. Forgiveness is NOT in any way telling the person what they did was ok. Forgiveness is choosing to no longer allow this offense to stop you from loving the offender. It is a great gift we give, a sacrifice out of love for that person, because we choose to love. For me, it is inspired by the one great sacrifice out of love, that God did for me. Namely, God sending his only Son to take the punishment I deserve John 3:16. If I want to be forgiven for the bad things I have done, I must first choose to forgive those who have hurt me.
I wasn't able to show anger before, so I always turned my anger into crying and sadness. Learning with my psychologist to express anger is the best relief and my life is brighter. With that I also learned to keep my opinion and don't let others "walk over me". (My problem was with not wanting to hurt others or cause any damage to anything at all)
What if you're brought up to both not cry or show anger?
I don’t know how to express anger
Finally someone to represent female anger......She is so eloquent and smart.....I want to be like her one day....so inspiring
Looks like a lot of the commentators here are confusing drama with true anger, which, as the speaker points out, is an emotion that warns us of an indignity or injustice. Drama isn't to be confused with real anger. Dramatic anger is used to control, frighten, or stifle another person. I think the speaker does a good job of keeping it straight. She's addressing societal norms that teach girls to suppress their own true voice. And for those guys feeling hard done by because this isn't about men, relax. She acknowledges that boys are hurt by social expectations too, only in a different way. It is ok for us to talk about women's needs. It does not negate male needs.
Karin Tate
well ma’am I have to disagree with you. Maybe that works for a white man but I’m a black man and I don’t know if you know or not but nothing has ever been done for us black men. So us latino and black men are looking around like where’s the justice for us?
She said women can't express anger and men are rewarded for it but had already said a angry black man is looked at with fear and not rewarded and most definitely not respected.
Manasseh Missick that’s called “whataboutism” let’s stay on topic here. No gaslighting.
this is basically why, when u ask ur girlfriend if she's angry or something's wrong she just keeps silent about it until she cant keep it inside anymore
my boyfriend keeps asking why do i keep silent all the time. no more.
@ only because she feels completely comfortable around you, probably. Sounds like a positive thing to me, the only problem that arises is probably that with no inhibitions its easy to be rude. But its important to remember it probably (hopefully) comes out of love :)
If you are in a relationship with a woman who is angry much of the time, it is time to leave and not look back
@@michaelcollins8328 or maybe you should question why she's angry all the time and if you have something to do with it. 🤔
@@petalchild She makes the choice to be angry....as opposed to doing something constructive. Remember...anger is a purely destructive emotion and accomplishes nothing. Angry people add nothing to the lives of those around them so it is best to avoid them
To all the people misundertanding in the comments shes not saying "male anger bad, femail anger good" she's saying "emotionally intelgent, productive, anger is good for both men and women and should be respected as such"
Until men actually do that, and how do women respond?
"Who hurt you?"
"Go get laid incel."
Etc..... etc...... etc......
It's sad that so many women have to be driven over the edge and to "Express anger inappropriately" I guess it's better to harm yourself cosmetically then to be a real woman with real rage at how society marginalizes us we could because we don't fit the ideal mode and once we're done using our good intentions natural politeness and enthusiasm to help
How are you marginalized? Seriously?
I get exactly what she is saying.
The shame is always the worst feeling afterwards. Being labeled a crazy bitch, ghetto, ratchet, you name it.
I lashed out at a group of guys that sexually harassed me everyday on my way home, I had just had enough up until then.
But they just didn't take me seriously and made fun of me, which only made me angrier but also ashamed of myself for the way I reacted.
Well, I live in the Middle East and when i was 16 yrs old my mom decided to take to a psychologist because i would get angry and mad on the simplest things.. when i went there he told that a girl being angry mean that she’s not respectful and if there was a man in my house he would punish me and maybe slap me because i was misbehaving and good girls should never get angry or raise their voices .. i was shocked ... sorry for my bad english though.
Your English is terrible. Stick with Arabic.
Don’t apologize, you have no reason to do so. Your comment is clear, concise, and is an aid to the video by adding you own personal experience. As you can see with the other reply, people will you that as an excuse to find fault when there is none and to ridicule.
Do not under estimate your ability in this as you have so much more reason to be proud of your ability instead.
@@trekteam really... she reveals that and then u hit her up with "ur english is terrible"
What happened to you since then?
@@trekteam Her English is just fine! Yours is so so bad along with that behaviour of yours, Shooh! Disappear!
"Societies that don’t respect women’s anger, don’t respect women. " TRUTH! 👏🏼
most angry people I meet women or men are usually screaming about meaningless things.
If you want respect....EARN IT.
Respect has to be earned just like money
@@g-one7303 that makes absolutely no sense
Society that don't respect a man's anger don't respect men.
Not all anger is created equal. Sometimes anger is expressed inappropriately, but sometimes it creates the deepest clarity in those of us who are self-aware.
“When THAT happens, women will be able to smile....
When they WANT TO.” 💯💯💯💯
its so fake lmao , men built the world
the best part. we often sacrifice so much of ourselves to just be safe. i want to be kind and friendly but no... we learn to speak their language so that we can have a place in their world. we are trying to survive.
This is one of the best things I've ever heard in my life and its sickening to hear how true it is that even today women (including me) feel that way..
Wow there are so many cases why the speaker did this speech right here. I can see many replies don't even get the point of this talk.
Or maybe it is you that has missed the point.
Jamie Z pretty sure i havent
So many trolls in the comments. Maybe one day they will actually listen to the entire talk, without any ridiculous internal monologue refuting each and every word that comes out of her mouth. One day I hope they not only listen to the words but hear the wisdom.
Until the Jamie Z (& the others) it is your personal loss for being all about the bs and not about attempting to learn ANYTHING about the world beyond your personal bubble.
We still socialize children to behave in binary and oppositional ways.. boys are held to absurd, rigid norms of masculinity- taught to embrace anger and aggression as markers of "real manhood." Girls, on the other hand, are socialized to ruminate and swallow their pride. We fail BOTH of them by not giving her anger the uptake and resolution that it deserves. -Soraya Chemaly
Anger confuses people in power. They see it as their judgment, which it should be -- "Yes... I'm pist off and I've every right to be. But you know it was long over due"
It's okay to be anger when used at the right time. Make noise when you have to so people don't just keep walking all over you for money and greed. And even if they do after you made noise, someone will have heard your voice and others thereafter, and hopefully the madness will end. How did empires fall? People protested. They made noise, and from that noise came action. Physics. Let the haunted asylum be heard.
In what world is visible anger a virtue? Everyone gets angry. Expressing anger through violence, tantrums, yelling, etc is not a virtue for either men or women. Never has an angry white man been viewed as virtuous because he’s angry. Everyone, including women, should learn to handle their anger with maturity and without getting heated. Women should NOT feel singled out, but they SHOULD feel guilty or even wrong if they handle their anger with impulsivity and visible anger. As should men. I’ve literally never seen someone scold a women for simply being angry.
i'd suggest that a portion of the voting populace of the US currently appreciates and openly lauds the power and charisma of an angry man, so i'd disagree with your use of "never".
that said? i agree that no action taken or word communicated in anger has ever done anything constructive and should never be encouraged, regardless of the sex of the person responsible for it.
Apparently, the speaker herself is not supporting the "tantrum', "yelling" kind of anger, but the rational and healthy anger that one should have to express their discomfort and protect themselves. Shouting man or woman are equally looked down at, but a woman who says no or expresses her discomfort straightforwardly is often not taken as seriously as a man doing so. And in campaigns, you see people holding up gestures and raising voices in their speeches right? When men do it, people perceive it as a kind of powerful way of delivering a speech. But for women, people are less likely to favor these gestures, perceive it as rage or being triggered. Which is not fair and unhealthy.
my nguyen I have never seen this to be true. If it were, I would agree with you. But this woman described her anger as rage, screaming, and tantrums. I have lived in a very masculine environment my entire life, and I have never seen a woman looked down on for simply raising their voices or really just being passionate as you’ve described. If that is the case in other places, then that’s wrong and should be addressed. But this woman’s approach is not in line with what you or I have argued.
my nguyen very well put
Kevin Rushing which part of the world u r from?🤔
Will definitely consider moving there.....
We need the subtitles in Spanish for all to know this brilliant speach.
If you click on the cc button, then click on the three dots to the right and select the cc english, you can choose many languages. 🙂
This is about saving this world. Period.
Man gets angry: Oh my God, look it's toxic masculinity!
Woman gets angry: You go girl, express that righteous fury!
What an awful generalization -- you're no better than the speaker in this video.
It’s more about women saying hey we can get angry too. It’s the statement behind it that must be taken into consideration.
Dales missed the whole point......
HUMANS feel anger. ALL humans.
It doesn't belong to anyone.
shut up
Women get angry: fiesty!
This woman is an author, not a scientist or a psychologist. Anger is not an emotion to cling to. Most anger is not righteous. Anger turns to rage and violence.
As Scripture says, "the anger of man does not accomplish the righteousness of God."
Most of time, it ends up into a heated argument though.
Valid observations. Men rewarded for showing anger.....? When? A prime example of silly?
@@billhester8821 I think she means their anger is more justified. I don't know but I'm sort of thinking in terms of politics and possibly sport too
@@billhester8821 I feel that that President Trump shows his anger a lot. Becoming a president is one of the greatest 'rewards' one might imagine.
Felt compelled, given all the men commenting negatively on this video, to share. It was a very interesting watch/listen and a learning experience. Seemed like she was speaking a lot of truth from what I could tell.
Sharon Jensen Amen!....Imma numbers girl too.....stats don’t lie 🤷🏻♀️
No wrong with that. Just because you're a woman dosent mean you should be allowed to do everything.
Thank You Soraya Chemaly. Your words are profound & still utterly necessary in this world.
Now if only we could teach more people to actually Listen to the Wisdom. Every little bit makes a difference. I may not change the world. But I can change the world for some. They in turn can pass it on.
It's obvious by the comments below that people aren't actually hearing the speaker and what enrages somebody more than anything else not being heard the criticisms below reflect an intentional ignorance on the part of the writers
honestly an amazing take on feminine rage. ty soraya we appreciate u 💖
Until men learn to truly listen to women, their world will never be whole.
I watched this 3x in the past hours. Saved to my favorites list. Finally. The timing couldn’t be better to hear that I’m not the only woman who understands this.Thank you Miss Soraya Chemaly~
Yes even my sister tells her daughter to be nice or the peace maker,I'd sneak in your opinion matters,be yourself you have your own logic etc
Your voice that validates her feelings and opinions is going to be very important to her one day
In what scenario are men specifically rewarded for being angry? The answer is no scenario whatsoever, other than scenarios where women are also rewarded for being angry, such as a strict teacher getting better results from their students, or a sportsman/woman driven to a win by embracing their anger. Her entire argument is based on this incorrect assumption.
Oh yeah! She is some incorrect idiot! That’s why is on on Ted. She gives a very clear example of how this little bully was rewarded by given more space to roam and freedom to keep doing what he was doing. Best example of all: the biggest bully on this planet got elected for a presidency!! Please, don’t try to tell yourself that he got it because he is such a great business or has other accomplishments hahaha. But, no, she is insane! No, men never get reworded for pushing their elbows.
War, men get medals for getting angry and winning battles (no medals for the losers). Women are welcome to join them, like in Israel. The US has opened many combat arms military jobs for women.
Sports and military come immediately to mind in specific response to that question.
They are rewarded for taking out the opponent.
Thankyou for asking.
I'm not really sure what scenario either, but maybe in politics? Her entire argument isn't actually based on that though. I think the more important point she made was that girls are not being taught to express their anger in a way that helps them.
The scenario where Donald Trump was voted president and Alabama overturned roe v wade
I got told to hold my passion and anger when I was young.
With all due respect, I personally believe that both men and women experience suppressed anger. I even think that men are actually more suppressed as society tends to tell them to 'shut up and grow a pair you pussy' instead of letting them out. In addition I find that women get way more attention than men when they express either anger or sadness through actions like yelling or crying whereas men are not as likely.
So I personally disagree with her view.
Do women have any idea how often men swallow their anger?
Lets make it about men again! 😂
Happened a few days ago with my girlfriend, she was on edge and grumpy and taking it out on me. I took it on the chin and didn't complain. I did however tell her in a non angry way a few days later. But hey my toxic masculinity took control.
Humans have emotions?
@@writerconsidered give yourself a gold star for being normal! And hey, one guy that wasn't aggressive 'a few days ago' is a real proof that toxic masculinity is a hoax invented by women.
@@user-pv6lj2no2d well males have testosterone, its easy for them to get mad. Therefore making it hard for them to control their anger. But most of them try to control their anger, so its a great thing
i feel like in a lot of her examples she confuses anger with standing up for yourself. You can defend yourself perfectly fine without getting angry.
How? And what motivates you to do so?
I suspect you're conflating or confusing anger as an emotion with some particular notion of anger as a performance?? What does "anger" mean to you, in this statement?
If it didn't anger you, then why would you need to stand up for yourself?
Gotta get a little pissed off to gather yourself up and defend. Or it wouldn't happen.
Anger is what motivates you to stand up for yourself, even if it's not anger in the form of outrage, but just displeasure or frustration
In a perfect world Tom so long as you don't have too much estrogen I confuse my anger with the world's expectations of me all the time
tomschrauwen women get this all the time, so we get it and you won't unless you start listening
I can't believe how many people don't understand her point. Or don't want to so that they can maintain the male privilege. Let me simply what she is saying: women have the right to be angry when they are attacked and should express it in a healthy way. Some stiuations requires the person to express anger to defend oneself from being bullied abuse, harassed, or even disrespected. Anger is a way of saying, NO MORE, I'V HAD ENOUGH. as long as the truth is said and there's no physical harm. She isn't saying be crazy and get angry at everything, she is saying be angry when someone is attacking you. It's an acceptable defense mechanism.
It goes for men and women.
Well said. People in the comments think she's telling women to scream all the time.
My internalised anger made me I'll and i try my best to be true to my emotions!
Preach Soraya! I've been through this my whole life.
I finally understand why women make up about 70% of the customers of 'break' rooms where people go to vent their anger by smashing things baha
What a woman. Just encapsulated everything we know but do not have the words to say.
You have a Voice. Speak your own words 🗣️
i defended my life in 2016 because police would not help against man trying to kill me. I lost everything and police changed their report to say i had not wanted help when i was begging them to stay til i could get out because i feared man would come back and he did.
7:41-8:38
this is exactly what I want to say, my anger is not an exaturation or a misreresentauin. It's real!
the message I took away from this video is that you should always question those who have more power than you, because they will likely not live up tho the standard that they set for you.
Men always sad & upset when the speakers don't talk about them. As if they are the only creature who living in this world. You know the world doesn't revolve around you
It looks like there are no speakers speaking about men!!!And guess what…it is because the world revolve around you!!!
But your ilk do think it revolves around you
I am someone who continually reflects on his own anger problems. There's good information in this talk, but it's muddled up by gender assignments. Assigning gender specifics to unhealthy anger management is counterproductive to the problem. It cherry picks. Anger is not gender specific, and neither are the potential solutions. She's right in saying that anger is an indicator of a value being threatened. It is the "fight" response in the "fight-flight-freeze" triad. Anger arises when the individual perceives some sort of destabilization or threat of destabilization to a value system, whether it be safety, social status, respect, financial pressure, or whatever. That is universal to all individuals, even animals, insofar as they can perceive their place in some kind of environmental homeostasis.
While it is possible for modern gender stereotypes to encourage anger to be expressed in different ways, it is not the root of the issue. I have found that passive-aggression is one of the less talked about responses to the emotion. While I have seen this response typically in women, it is not specific to women. Throwing a tantrum or outburst, more commonly addressed, is another way. I have seen that in a majority of men, but again, it is not specific to men. Both responses are equally as destructive and equally as telling. Both lend to the idea that the individual is experiencing the threat without experiencing a pathway to understanding and dealing with that emotion in measured, constructive ways.
And as someone who has unfortunately had plenty of experience ranting and raving wildly at anger, and as a white male: No, I am not regarded as having civic virtue. I am regarded as being petty, whiny, immature, and even a little manic. And yes, even I have been told to bottle up the anger and not get so mad about things. That is a problem for ANY gender.
Thank you for sharing this message. It's so spot on, yet rarely talked about.
There are too many abusive women these days
Great great talk . It's beautiful that an individual women trained can prove how power full she is. Many such beautiful talks are on. Thank you, bless you. All your dreams come true.
Any married man is perfectly aware of the power of a woman's anger.... Just sayin' ;)
Not if he knows not to piss her off and he actually loves and pays attention to her
Not funny
Army of Gog Marriage is a business partnership....We do quite well :)
Regardless of gender, race or pick any other faction in life anger is not the problem. In-appropriately expressed anger which 1 dis-respects the person you are angry with (thereby shutting down the conversation amd halting the path to a peaceful resolution) or 2 becomes an outburst rather than an expression of emotion are bad for all societies as a whole.
Men are taught this very lesson from an early age (to varying degree’s of success. The shuttering of women’s anger not only hurts them but also innoculates them from learnjng the consequences of anger (which men are acutely aware of)
On one hand, I would agree with you that ‘inappropriately’ expressed anger may be disrespectful in particular situations, but certainly not all.
Have you ever been verbally, physically or psychologically threatened by a male? You try keeping your cool & expressing your anger (fear) in a ‘nice’ & “appropriate” way…
Your blanket-statement claim that “men are taught this very lesson from an early age…” seems delusional to me & I see no evidence of “success” on any level.
The “shuttering of women's anger” is all part of Women’s oppression - racism & sexism - & does far more than
“hurt them”.
How on earth you can claim that it “inoculates them from learning the consequences of anger” is astonishing & further proves your skewed perception.
It is WOMEN - worldwide - who are “acutely aware” of the consequences of - men’s - anger, be it overt or covert.
Until men evolve to cultivate the balls/guts/courage/emotional intelligence to handle Women’s justifiable anger - to really listen to Her, to deeply respect Her - we cannot move forward as a global community.
Racism, sexism & violence against women (including the silent, coercive, covert violence) ought to be our primary concerns as human beings. Without addressing & healing these ills, we continue along the path of destruction.
And yes, it is ALL of our responsibility. And, it’s high time men step up & take the responsibility that is theirs.
It’s 2024.
End of rant.
Oh.
Am I a woman?
Yes.
Am I angry?
Yes.
Do I have a right to be?
Abbasofukinglyootly.
A man said to me today ”Your aggression and anger are not okay” after I had tried to start a converstation about misogyny, and getting so frustrated of him
1. ”Not understanding” what I am talking about 2. Defending himself
3. Explaining ro me about laws of nature and testosterone
4. Being upset because they can not say anything these days.
5. Telling me I am overreacting
6. Telling me he does not hate women, but that actually he lives very ”matriarchally”, which he could not explain further... etc
So I came here. He said my anger is NOT OK. And that I should get professional help.
I think he needs help, he seems delusional about reality. how can men condone women’s aggression and anger when men have openly displayed even more aggression for forever ?
It's ok to be angry. Just dont let your emotions get the best of you is what people should say.
Use it to be determined and not steered to do wrong.
Physical, Mental, Emotional is what has been given to us and should be used to fix issues and grow relationships for others and definitely ourselves.
Best way to avoid anger 2020 edition: social distancing.
Sorry, this is just lame. An angry black man is seen as a dangerous criminal and white man is seen as civic virtue? By whom exactly? Men are rewarded for anger? Sorry, that’s idiotic. *Some* men channel negative emotions in a useful, productive way, just like *some* women do. Whining about how others react to your behavior, and blaming the reaction rather than the behavior, is not useful or productive.
I was there, the freesbee's moment. An absolutelty enlightened moment, a bit too much? Maybe. Sorry for the cute dishes. But that moment was a total liberation and portal to a way better version of myself.
I love her!
6:00 you DID fail both kids but no anger was required JUST assertiveness
Assertiveness is a way of handling anger. LOL
This is depressing. But we need to hear the truth. Thank you.
Hell has no fury like a women’s scorn
Ie: never take your girls food or you’ll met a faith worse then hell
I ate a fat gurls chicken nugget 25 years ago still hearing about it
@@l.l.9806 LOL why dont people like this comment more
Anger is neither good or bad. Culture reserves anger as the moral property of men. Anger confirms masculinity, and confounds femininity. We preference the power and privilege of masculinity over women and children. Men of power don't take women seriously. Think in terms of competence, and not gender. #TedTalk twitter.com/tedstalkin
Women being angry in public and being accepted? Sure, why not. I can't wait for men to stop holding themselves in either. Should be fun. More yelling, more pumping veins, more harsh remarks you can't take back.. Sounds like it would do wonders for any society.
Look, lady, I'm sorry you have lived a life in which you felt like you had to repress your feelings.. But a lot of us do it. Things would be a mess if no-one did that. Good things happen if we focus on getting along instead of having a conflict at every opportunity. I think that is more desirable for our community, and I'll gladly sacrifice some of my expression for that.
Exactly. Repressing our emotions is part of life. That's our own issue. We shouldn't put our anger on others- let alone make women do it only.
@@williamliu602 sounds like you are/were surrounded by some easily triggered men, Willy. Sorry to hear about that. What happened?
Wow sounds like you never go outside. The ones bitching the loudest in public is always old people and soccer mom's. If you seriously never hear anger, you need to go out more.
Is true as a single woman is so hard ... if a men don’t helping me 😓 as a single mother is so hard
I totally agree with your speech!!!
Nothing but men in the comments saying why what she's saying is wrong. Color me shocked!! Why would a woman ever get angry about that?
As a woman, so far the only person who has managed to make me angry, is my own mother LOL I just cant deal with this woman lol but really no one else... I dont think I agree that women arent allowed to be angry o.o I cant relate to this topic at all. Maybe here in Europe we are different lol but we all pretty chilled here lol
You are really lucky to be from Europe.
any man that is married to a woman can give an hour long monolouge on this topic😶
Isn't mgtow telling guys to leave women alone?
I feel like this would have had that extra something if she'd just used more examples of exactly what she means, so we can understand the manifestations of feelings and societal standards she's trying to explain
I understood perfectly...
Perhaps you just need to get out more & open your eyes to women’s oppression.
It’s rampant in every corner of the globe, regardless of race, class, religion or sexual preference
Good on you for watching this video. At least that’s a start…
That was amazing, I thought I get bored but I didn't.
Beautiful speech thank you
Men and women alike, we are our own worst enemy.
I've never stopped watching a TED Talk in the middle of it. This woman is wrong on so many levels, and continues to assume and tell others bad information.
"Societies that don't respect women's anger, don't respect women." Not talking about the Western World then?
I really appreciate this talk. I am really surprised at how much hate and questioning there is on this talk. I haven't seen a questioning comment from a woman. Just saying. Just as women can't understand men's challenges, men can't understand women's challenges. Like she says, stop telling us to shut up. Just stop. Just. Stop. The only TED talks I've seen that get so much hate is on talks about the subtle or vulnerable struggles of women, and most negative comments are from men. What does that show? It's honestly like when kids would argue in middle school about whether a period or a kick to a male groin would hurt worse. Neither will know, so stop telling each other, "It's not nearly as bad as you think it is."
Unfortunately there are a lot of women putting up hate comments as well.
There's alot of anger in the comments about anger. Just saying .......
When you don’t allow women get close enough to reveal their inner craziness’s, anger or any emotion of hers has NO POWER.
Insightful, illuminating talk. Her books are excellent too.
thank you for great lecture!!!!!
Womens anger is cute and silly and the tantrums are entertaining.
If you saw a man's real anger, not when he is mad, but genuinely furious, then you would be terrified.
Thank you ❤
Nobody likes to be around an angry person. Male or female.
None of the animals has this flame in his fire
Men have ability to swallow anger for future use....women use their anger instantaneously in hope of getting rewarded
Any person, out of anger or love of the presidency, might demolish the foundations of hundreds of thousands of families, and none of the animals has this flame in his fire.
this is amazing
Oh God, please.....
Tysm like men are the ones blowing the fucking world up
also keeping your toilets running but ok...
Thank you for thinking about this topic the way you did. Its help to analyze certain ways of being.
people hate angry people, you're not at all rewarded for it as a man.
Men and women have been on the same planet for the exact same amount of time, in almost exactly the same numbers. Someone needs to explain to me how women are just as strong and resourceful as men while at the same time finding themselves is such a terribly awfully repressed position. The fact is that men and women built our current society together, complete with its norms and expectations.
For the people that don’t get it:
This issue doesn’t affect you so you don’t see it exists. Stop trampling on concepts that are REAL just because you don’t “believe” it. Ask any woman in your life if they have experienced this!
Also it’s irrelevant if you identify as a woman either - just because YOU personally are not experiencing something does not mean it isn’t happening. The world does not revolve around your 1 lone perspective. Why not try to understand or at least do something other than saying NO NOT REAL.
Maybe it’s so unfathomable to you because actually this type of experience is totally unacceptable and unjust to you and you wouldn’t want anyone to feel this way. You don’t agree people should feel this way - it’s horrible and not good.
But women DO feel like this. How can you discredit real lived experiences? It just doesn’t make sense.
Or you’re just an ignorant idiot...
You are right. All the Americans in the comments thinking the rest of the world does not exist.
Angry women are praised. Angry men are tasered.
Well, see it like this ,Jim. A man's anger can kill a person. Generally speaking, women's doesn't. Statistically speaking.
Male anger and violence is deadly and prolific. Those are sadly the facts. So I'd rather that anger be tasered, since I can't guarantee my safety and security at the hands of some men.
Life is complex harder to explain simply.
Guess what ? Angry people ARE unlikeable. People expressing anger are too childish to channel those emotions into something productive.
impressive, very nice. now let's see the power of men's anger
shame on you boys... who are 'not all men'
UltArcRanger top 10 questions science still have no answers to
Anyone commenting "not all men" deserves to be ignored. They're not even worth my time.
Thank you for this video! There are some great ideas here.
She nails this topic! Thank you!
Bold! Loved this talk
There are two types of anger, one is good and the other is bad. Righteous anger is good. Some evil is being perpetrated, and the person wants to stop that evil. The anger is NOT directed at a person, it is directed at the evil a person is engaging in. In fact, the person with righteous anger loves the person committing the evil, but simultaneously hates the evil. A good example, your loved one is addicted to drugs. They hate the drug use but love the person. The other kind of anger is wholly destructive. It is the person who is refusing to forgive someone who has hurt them. The anger is directed at the person. That person might even be dead, but the anger persists. The famous prayer "The Our Father", addresses this in the phrase "forgive us our trespasses as we have forgiven those who trespass against us". This phrase is directing us to forgive everybody in our lives who has hurt us in any way. Forgiveness is NOT in any way telling the person what they did was ok. Forgiveness is choosing to no longer allow this offense to stop you from loving the offender. It is a great gift we give, a sacrifice out of love for that person, because we choose to love. For me, it is inspired by the one great sacrifice out of love, that God did for me. Namely, God sending his only Son to take the punishment I deserve John 3:16. If I want to be forgiven for the bad things I have done, I must first choose to forgive those who have hurt me.
Now I understand the ancient Greeks and Romans, this is why they didn’t let women vote or have much authority in society.
❤
That is amazing.