Her husband is emotionally detached from his wife and emotionally invested in his sister. It doesn’t have to be sexual to be inappropriate. To not ever show her any public or private appreciation and regularly and publicly celebrate the sister is FOUL.
it is clearly sexual and inappropriate. who ignores their wife and is obsessed with their… sister? only siblings that have feelings for each other which is disgustingly more common than society realizes because of how shunned it is. no normal person would shame their wife and praise their sister and treat their sister like their wife… that is a clear indicator of something inappropriate going on. like i said it is so shunned that most siblings would never admit to their families, spouses, or even themselves about their feelings.
@@ihateallyallit's not necessarily that, though I wouldn't fault anyone for thinking that. I do think this might have to do with the Madonna-whore complex. Sad as shet!! I have seen this happen several times. Men compare women in their lives to the women they historically saw exploited. Sad
You have every right to be jealous. How can he find a way to mention his sister who’s not a mother but forget to honour the actual mother of his children. Ugh I feel you girl.
Dr. Delony. I am a priest and people come to me all the times with their family issues. I have learned SO MUCH from you. I cannot thank you enough. The dignity with which you treat people, how you give them another chance and how you exhaust all possibilities first to save the relationship… it’s a delight to hear you counseling people. Thank you for helping me to be a better person and to be of service to others.
Hello Father, I’m so happy that you listen to him, I know how much us parishioners rely on wisdom in the confessional etc. & life is so interwoven. Wise.
I feel for the caller. Something tells me the husband may regret marrying her and having multiple children so close in age. It seems he's living in an alternate reality that doesn't include her ...to send other women Mothers' Day greetings (including the childless sister) and not her is simply a low blow.
Yes but I think it's more than that. It sounds like he loves and respects his sister more than anyone else which is why she's his top focus. I think the wife wants his love and his attention more bc it sounds like his sister gets all of it leaving her to feel like the third wheel. It's almost as if he married her bc she fit in so well with he and his sister's relationship and allowed him to focus on her as much as he wanted..... bc I have no doubt other women he's dated in the past have complained. I think she brought up some very valid points and Dr. John was more dismissive about them than he should have been
@@GameChanger597 I agree. This sweet lady has ever right to feel the way she does. I agree that she may have been chosen because she didn't initially notice how overly close her now husband is to his sister. He's treating her in ways that should be saved for his wife. This is sad on so many levels.
My brother and I are very close, growing up we did almost everything together. We’re now adults and he’s married with kids. His wife was and still is jealous of our relationship. I have stepped into a new lane in our relationship to let them build and for her to take the number 1 place but she’s still jealous. If my brother was admiring me like this man I think my sis in a law would kill me. To prevent the destruction of my brother and I relationship I took on a different role. My brother needs to take care of his wife first and I encourage that. This woman sounds sweet I’ve been in relationships where the man is nicer to everyone else but me. I was the last one on the totem pole so I understand her. He needs to meet her needs and she will have no issue with the sister. Its a simple fix.
We're getting one side of this story. I'd need to hear the husband's perspective before condemning him. I don't agree with the other commenters. I think the wife here has a lot of resentment toward this big, close family her husband grew up in, and I suspect a big source of this problem is that she is carrying baggage from her own childhood.
That's not jealousy. That's the alarm bells going off that there's something very wrong. She's giving examples of what she thinks is her being jealous. I'd be really creeped out if my husband was like this. We read the news. There's weird crap happening all the time. I would be putting soooooooo much distance between a me and a husband like that.
It sounds like there is limited respect and intimacy in their relationship and the sister is the example of how that shows up. I would not be comfortable being in a relationship where I got the end of every stick a man had to give emotionally, no matter who he gave he sticks out to. She gave birth to his 3 children, she should be the hero to his story…end of story. That Mother’s Day story was heartbreaking, any woman would feel left out and hurt.. She’s not crazy.
She is not crazy at all. This man doesnt love her at all. Its not even a matter of not knowing how to express himself because he expresses his love for his sister, all the time.
These lady's story did bring me to tears, probably because it hits too close to home. I hope that Dr. Delony is right that husband is hopefully open to hearing his wife bare her soul like she did here.
She sounds incredibly sweet. She seems honest with herself. I hope she finds a way to ask her husband for some compassion and validation in the ways that matter to her, and finds a way to walk away if he doesn't.
Yes, she needs to drop the little girl voice. It’s almost like she’s looking for daddy’s praise from her husband and feels the sister is getting it rather than her.
As a sister who is very close to her brother this is weird. If his wife was feeling pushed away what needs to happen is she needs to tell him and HE needs to set boundaries. My brother and I talk on the phone frequently but when his partner calls we hang up (and I don’t think anything of it) or when they have dinner dates they go or something scheduled they do it over anything me and my brother have planned . Other than phone calls and trips a couple times a year as a family I know he is partnered and that’s his priority if his sister doesn’t understand this ITS WIERD.
Can I ask a question? Do you get mad when he talks to his wife over you? Or has to hang up when his wife calls? I’m asking because o endured this with my ex husbands sisters. They would want him to call them on Valentine’s Day and talk to them over me. And I always felt crazy because it bothered me.
@@LisaLisaCJNo, I expect my brother to prioritize his wife. I don’t take any offense to it. I would think less of my brother if he didn’t put his wife first.
We must have been married to the same guy? I was recently divorced by a man that chose his sister over me always. And now he and his sister live together alone, playing house in OUR marital home that he is trying to screw me out of my half on. I’m pursuing legal action to force them both out so I can sell the house.
To clarify, he was the one who filed for divorce after we had an argument about his sister. I’m all the 9 years I was with him, the only thing we ever fought about was her. Then he chose her!! When I’m being petty, I’ll reference them as “sister-wife” and “brother-husband” Lol. Whatever though, at least now I can find a real man that knows what it means to cleave to his wife, because my ex never ever did 😢
@@TheChihuahua83I’m so sorry to hear that, and honestly it’s good you got out of that when you did. clearly him and his sister have a romantic relationship, which is more common that people realize with brothers and sisters. some literally fall in love in childhood and want to be with each other but try to look normal and date other people, and honestly that sounds like the case here for sure. no normal siblings move in together as adults and play house like it’s normal… i’m so sorry you had to deal with that.
This marriage is doomed, the guy idolizes his sister and himself too much to leave room for anyone else. A stay at home mom has zero chance of impressing him, except in the dark. Sad.
The level of disrespect this woman is enduring right now is gonna grow... He did the whole gaslight thing: "You're crazy...." NOT good. That means he isn't even ready to listen.
@@Mitzi73 You're saying "she needs to prepare for the worst." I say she needs to tell him I think you'd be better off marrying your sister if things don't change."
She needed to teach him how to treat her a long time ago, yet she always swallowed her tongue and allowed the dismissals to occur. Noone knows what they're doing wrong until they're told.
John didn’t bring this up, but I suspect this guy is like me and his love for his wife goes without saying, but she still wants to hear it. Of course I love my wife, of course I respect and admire her. Of course I believe in her 100% and have absolute faith in anything she says. She has my cars keys, credit card, access to my safe and my 401k, how much more faith can I have in a person? It took her telling me “hey dummy, women like to hear that out loud” to understand what this caller is talking about.
@@SarahConnor562I haven't listened to call but wow that's so f**ed up. Talk about passive-aggressive, some people enjoy putting their significant others in constant state of doubt.
I think she’s focusing too much energy on the sister (I don’t think anything disgusting/weird is going on), instead of focusing on the fact her husband doesn’t put any effort into their relationship.
Not what a person says . It’s what he is doing. His actions suggest a strong emotional connection. Lori Vallow’s relative talked about Lori’s inappropriate relationship with her brother. It was later determined the brother killed her husband. Then Lori’s brother was killed . At their parents home how sexualized their behavior was towards each other.
Most people experience jealousy, not everyone admits it, it's what u do with it. People who put u down for having those feelings aren't worth ur time. Do ur best to deal with it and move on.
At first I thought she was being unreasonable but as she continued to explain, I now understand her feelings. The problem is not his sister. There is something else going on here. Maybe cheating on his part? Maybe something she is doing, that she doesn’t mention? Idk. But I agree with the Mother’s Day thing. Why did he wish everyone else Happy Mother’s Day EXCEPT for her ?? I agree that sounds passive-aggressive. Also when John says “my guess is that he doesn’t know what he is doing”, she laughs. That makes me feel like he really does and she knows it. But John’s theory is interesting and quite possible too. Just putting in my 2 cents. Would be nice to hear from the guy. It really makes a difference, even though people lie; sometimes you can tell.
There are much deeper issues than what we heard given the short call. He is enmeshed emotionally with his sister, and is not attaching to his wife. I would be very curious to know what his sister thinks of this dynamic. As a family therapist, systems are extremely complex and in religious homes, when filled with control and legalism, can even breed unconscious sexual drives for a sibling, parent or other. Yes, it is creepy! He wouldn’t ever want to admit that, but it is an emotional, possibly sexual, enmeshed relationship that needs intervention professionally. I’d also be interested to know if he is talking to his sister about deeper emotional issues and processes going on with his wife. If that’s the case, he has definitely failed to “leave and cleave”-leave his family of origin (emotionally, physically etc) and cleave to his wife. That doesn’t mean abandon your family of origin, but there must be boundaries, otherwise the marriage is bound to fail.
It's actually pretty common in families like the husband's for the older children to be subject to parentification. They are basically parent to the younger siblings. Not an excuse, but I think that may be where a lot of the enmeshment and role confusion comes from.
My brother and I are super close we were like twins growing up and we talk all the time and text all the time and he has an amazing wife and he adores her. It’s really up to the husband understanding his wife’s needs and any cool sister will encourage that! My brother calls His wife, me and my daughter is three angels.
I have a friend in a similar predicament. She loves her sister in law, but her husband opens up to her in a way he doe not with anyone else, they have these inside jokes that make her feel excluded, and secrets he tells her that he does not tell his wife, and shes jealous. Having a close sibling relationship is wonderful, but when you are married, the intimacy with your wife should be sacred, and top priority.
All I hear is that he's passive-aggressive, and he knows he's hurting her. The question is, why is he doing this? Personally, I'd leave the sister out of it. It's not about the sister because if he was giving her the attention she needed, the sister would cease to be an issue.
I hope the husband reads through these comments to realize how lame he is. He devalues his wife and has no boundaries with his sister. I’m sure he has told his sister how his wife feels and yet, his sister has not backed off nor created boundaries for herself. She loves her superior position in her brother’s life and wants to stay there because she gets her validation from him. I experienced this with my narcissistic ex and his flying monkey sister. To the wife, I would start my own savings stash on the side and save as much as possible. Your husband may be a narcissist and may view his sister as an extension of him, so she’s perfection in his eyes. He will only value you when he knows you are financially independent and don’t need him to financially support you. He will only value you when he knows you aren’t afraid to walk away.
I’m going to jump on and off the bandwagon here Ladies, gents, under no circumstances should you expect your partner to show this level of lack of acknowledgement. It is natural we expect them to be our biggest fan and our loudest cheerleader at home. But that is not always the case. Sometimes we have to suck up, even though it hurts so bad that we have to do this, and say “Hey, we need to talk, because I’m not happy.” Our response to this action is to feel like we’re being needy and pathetic. Or our pride gets stung and we get angry at something our partner doesn’t even know they’re doing. Listen to Dr. John. There is no shame in say “I need you to show me more love.” Because your partner is the one you should be able to say this to the easiest.
It sounds like this guy came from a religious fundie family and that alone F's people up in many ways and may explain why he is enmeshed with his sister. The fact the older brother noped out spells something wasn't right about this family. He proabbly has lot of hidden childhood sisues and needs to work them out before he can committ to anyone.
@@sueblack5794 that supports nothing of the assumptions made. Large, religious families have an obvious stigma against them and you can see it in the comments. Correlation does not imply causation. Delony even said that he gets that question a lot more than people would expect.
This is very little but telling information to work off of, but I am getting a major whiff of covert narcissism here. My ex would play the game of reaching out to former female coworkers to say happy birthday but really wouldn't do much for me when it was my special day for anything. He would try to be the hero coming through for everyone at work but didn't care at all about how lacking he was as a husband and man of our home, when I wasn't asking very much of him. He also idolized his sister and I felt like she was the one woman in his life he chose to love unconditionally and with me it was all conditional. I divorced him due to many huge and small issues that hurt me deeply and he simply didn't care.
Ooh this sounds like my dad. I’ve never thought of it as this. He would forget my moms birthday but buy gifts for female coworkers. If we needed something he never followed through but if a friend needed help, he’d go immediately.
The wife should be the primary focus when a man gets married. She birthed three children & they’re all under five from what I can recall. Why didn’t he make sure that the mother of his children feel special & appreciated on Mother’s Day? 👀
My mother was the oldest of 9 and my ex was the third ACoA in a family of seven children. Large families are like cults - especially when there is abuse involved. All the family energy goes into protecting each other and the abuser; and the children turn to each other for all their needs because they are not being met by their parents; and because there are so many of them that they have no need to go outside the family to get their needs met. They take these roles into their adulthood so their bonds with each other are stronger than their bonds with their own spouses and children - very much like the bonds of soldiers after a war. This is a situation that she can't win. Her husband has turned to his sister for his emotional needs all his life. The best she can learn to do is accept it - or walk.
Best not to generalize. I have a family member, Catholic family, with 8 kids and they all are kind, respectful people. They were involved and well accepted in the community, lots of friends and hobbies. Egypt is also where my husband is from, lots of religious Muslims with many kids, at least 4 or 5 in many cases. They have 5 brothers and one sister in the family. After spending lots of time with multiple families there, I really loved the culture and the relationships. I grew up in a family with just one sister and no religion, that had it's downsides too. I think every family and individual has its challenges, often times they're just different. Important to see each situation on its own with it's unique dynamics, than to just simply say that large families are like cults. That hasn't been what I've witnessed, not by a long shot.
@@jaciemokidm609 I actually didn't generalize. My comment speaks specifically of children in large, trauma-bonded families. And, I actually didn't say anything about religion...
@@hushpuppy698 Sadly, I described a huge number of families, big and small. But, the dynamics tend to be much more defined and easier to see in large families where everyone assumes a predictable role in order to survive the trauma. And, large families tend to be able to hide their secrets better than smaller ones…until they leave the family system.
Something I connected recently is that some people, and it sounds like her husband may be like this, sit much more comfortably in their role in their origin family than their new developing family. John is right, he knows he’s good at this, so he refuses to do what he needs to step up at and humbly learn. It’s okay to make mistakes, we all have, but we all need to grow and be uncomfortable until we become resilient.
He is in love 🥰 with his sister. He idealism for that woman is much better for her than his wife, he does that because he admires her more than his wife. I won’t waist 6 months with that guy.
I sense he's the kind of guy who values independent, smart, strong, secure women over a woman he perceives to be a stay at home mom who is insecure and needs a lot of reassurance. For some men, what they do is who they are. If his business is very important to him, his sister has more value than his wife who is basically just a nanny for his children. It's sad, but a lot of men have that view. And, don't rule out that he has a crush on his sister. It's bizarre, but I think it happens more than people think. At this point, now that she expressed being insecure about the sibling relationship, I'm sure he told his sister about it because they're so close, and both him and his sister are having a little fun messing with her mind, which isn't very nice. I think the Facebook posts and the Mother's Day stuff is just a way to purposely get under her skin and laugh about it. Not nice at all. She might want to stop being so naive and giving her husband and the sister so much credit for being supposedly great people. She should tell him to knock it off if he wants to stay married. It's as simple as that.
Run girl. It doesn't get better. My x said he is priority before his sister's husband, and her husband and his sister are OK with that. It's sick. Also she tried to tell him how to raise my kid. So no it doesn't get better, just run. And men please do not make your family meddle in your life and keep your relationship private. Man up and cut the strings, same with women.
I was in a similar situation. We had babies, and a few times my husband’s sister asked him “Hey, ya wanna go out for dinner and a movie? What? Your wife won’t let you go? Can’t you just take a night off?” Now that the kids are older I wouldn’t mind staying with them if my husband and his sister went out. But when they were in diapers, non-verbal, breastfed, etc. it was an awkward request.
I have a very close relationship with my brother and I would never take him away from his duties as a father and have him throw all of it on his wife - that’s not good man behavior. That sister has no boundaries. I my sibling and I want to hang we ask and either say yes or I’m busy and no one gets offended because we’re adults ……
@@Twestliw my ex husband would travel for work and I would be home with the kids. He would come home and his sisters would want him to come to their house without us and do chores and family time etc or watch their kids. This is why we ended up divorced. He just always put their needs first. Well he is remarried and they have an issue with the new wife. It’s just strange
I dont see a problem with him going out with his sister and you watching the kids, similarly you get a night off and he watches the kids. Nothing weird about grabbing a meal and hanging out with a sibling.
@@LisaLisaCJ sorry that happened. If anything I am constantly pushing my brother to be a better provider partner and father. This sometimes gets heated but we never let it affect our relationships which is why we are so close and trust each other. Siblings are there to give their support and call you out when you’re fucking up without taking it personal. Not make you worst at the things above.
It’s not too late sweet Erica! Tell your husband exactly how you feel even though it’s going to be painful. It’s better to share what is going on now, then to sweep it under the rug for years. I think this is fixable. Just tell your husband that you’d like to be appreciated and admired the same way that his sister is appreciated and admired. Another big motivator for him I think would be that you can tell him that you want to model a healthy marriage for the kids you have. They’re under the age of three now, but they’re going to grow up. They’re going to watch everything that their parents do. They don’t want to see their mom devastated because their dad appears to show greater affection for their art. When you get married, the wife comes first. Even the Bible says so. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. I’m not married yet, but this episode and many other episodes have taught me a lot about marriage and parenting.
Yes, the Bible says that a man should leave his father and mother and cling to his wife. So if a man is to leave his father and mother, he also must leave his sister.
It's easy to hate a sibling, when they are as abusive towards you, as your mother was. I haven't spoken to my sisters in over a decade, because I know, my boys don't deserve to see their mom abused by people who are supposed to love and protect her unconditionally.
When you get married, you leave your family and cleave with your wife. Previous roles change. Any best friend no longer comes first. That's the wife's position now. Is there a competitive spirit in the sister if she doesn't encourage her brother to make his wife secure and feel wanted?
I'm not sure her going to him and asking him to say admiring things about her etc. is going to change him or wake him up or teach him anything, because she already told him she wanted that, and he told her she was "crazy." Isn't that what men (usually men) say to their wives when they're cheating and the wife notices something? His first reaction was to pathologize any mention of his relationship with his sister vs. his relationship with his wife. He wants to shut that down. People are pointing out that the brother and sister own a business together, and so of course they are going to need to be in frequent communication with each other. A brother and sister starting a business together is an uncommon occurrence. My question is, do they need to be in frequent communication because of the business together, or did they start a business together in order to be in frequent communication with each other? I'd also question if jealousy is even the right word, or better, the only word, for what she's feeling. Maybe suspicious would be another feeling, but that's too dangerous a word to say.
She’s so accomplished, so intelligent, blah blah blah. I’m so sick and tired to the bone of men that don’t appreciate their stay home mom wife. He is very much openly telling her she’s crazy, and openly admiring his “accomplishing” sister. Raising children is the most accomplishing and rewarding and difficult job ! John points out it’s great she married a man of character who treats his sister well. A man of character calls his wife crazy ? Ok John. You’re way off on that! He’s NOT a man of character at all for not verbally and openly appreciating his own wife who’s raising their 3 children.
@gabrielamartininiuc6322 ****YOU****** my friend.....Hit the nail on the head! You said exactly the things I was thinking...While listening, I was like what John?????? Come on now.
Totally disagree. He does sound like a great man who really loves all of his family, but like most people aren’t worried about their right hand, he’s now worried about his wife. We have to allow great people to make mistakes and let them know where they can learn.
He and his sister have been in a partnership for years. I feel the wife has a legitimate concern. The family is so close, he never built an exclusive relationship with the wife. She’s a child or distant relative in her husband’s mind.
I’m not even a mother, but being ignored by the father of my kids on Mother’s Day while his attention is on everyone but me, would be like a knife. I wonder where this couple is at today.
This is a legitimate jealousy. Every time she has brought up what she was feeling he dismissed it. She sounds like a sweetheart, however on this subject she will have to firm, and tell her husband what she needs and what HAS to change. He has to cleave to his wife, he has not yet. 🙏🏾❤️
Something she said is rather telling and I'm not sure many caught it. She said "his older brother wouldn't take on the okder brother role so he had to." So often the older siblings in families like this get subject to high levels of parentification. Basically he was the junior dad so he is taking on the parent role rather than the sibling role with his sister. Husband may not realize it but he just got overly enmeshed and the roles got confused, so what we see as weird he's just feeling like a dad proud of a daughter. Not excusing his behavior, but it does give some context.
She messed up, she shouldn’t have married a man who is building a life with his sister. She was just the woman he wanted to use to make his kids, but the sister is his partner in business and in life. Men are to bare the ground and provide so they are wired to be attracted to making money and his sister helps him do that. She probably won’t get that same attention from him unless she becomes their assistant or something. He doesn’t connect to her having birthed children because he really didn’t have to do any hard work for that. She has to find a way to connect with him that makes him see her as important to the things he cares about. Some men just don’t connect with their kids and wife in the way they connect to their finances.
It’s not about it being his fault because it is HER needs not being met and she is the one complaining about it. She chose her life. She chose her husband. She is responsible for what she chooses. So no it’s not her fault that her husband behaves the way he does. It’s her fault that she said yes to being his wife and having his kids when he isn’t the man she wants. She’s probably been seeking his validation for a long time and that’s why she had his kids and that didn’t work either and now she is trapped dealing with him forever.
@@The_Ki_ He's responsible for how he treats his wife. He's responsible for the choices he makes on a daily basis. He's responsible for what sort of a model of husband and father he is for his children. He's responsible for deceiving this woman into marrying him, while his first and only love is for his sister. He's responsible for instantly sexualising his relationship with his sister when his wife brought it up. He's responsible for dismissing his wife's legitimate feelings of jealousy instead of apologizing to her and mending his ways. He's responsible for being an a-hole.
If the sister in law is so awesome,? why isn't she married? I am sure if she had a boyfriend or husband they would find the relationship between the brother and sister very odd. I had a close relationship with my brother but there was no way that I would put it to the forefront of my husband.
As a man that his love language is expression. Take what the women in the coments are saying with a grain of salt. I normally show my love by working hard for those that I love (not so much for me), by giving an example of how a man that loves God behaves and by buying food and gifs, but I never used to express myself verbally because I wanted to by judged by my actions not by my words. I now understand that women also need to hear this which is something I’m working on. I hope your husband works on himself and listens to your needs. Your are an example of a great woman!
Oh my gosh John, same to the flower thing. I think flowers are a waste of money and my fiancé knew I felt that way. I had to clarify to him that every now and then, yes, flowers (the gesture more so) are very appreciated! But please do not buy them once a week! Haha
When you get married you’re making your spouse your priority, your spouse becomes your family & the family you grew up in becomes your EXTENDED family… I think he still views his now extended family as “his family” and his wife and kids are viewed as his “extended family”. He doesn’t seem as invested in his actual family as he is with his extended family. It may be that he’s struggling to let go, or afraid of being an adult (a little late for THAT buddy), or didn’t have role models to know how parents/spouses behave, or any number of things, but aside from how unfair it is to his wife, I’m more concerned with how it’s affecting his kids, his wife can leave and find another husband, his kids can’t just go find another dad… because to not even put your daughters birthday on a calendar, but to put your sisters… there’s a huge disconnect going on there… your kids SHOULD be the first thing that pops into your head, not your sister. His actions are very telling in what he values and prioritizes in his life & it’s not his wife & kids unfortunately.
Something that annoys me is also the sexualization of the term "soulmates." I'm a Christian so to me God is the ultimate soulmate and people who share the same "conscience" (which is the reflection of the soul) are soulmates. I don't think there has to be anything sexual about it. I believe I am soulmates with my bf but I'd say I'm also soulmates with my pastor. There are very few people who can empathize with me because I am extremely logical and that seems to enrage a lot of people, most people can't handle the truth. The few who can, it's like mana from Heaven.
She has three kids under three that she chose to have with this man. To break up a family and leave kids without a dad because you are jealous of a sister is ridiculous.
@@lynnsmith4 To stay in a marriage like that, which will teach her children that what their parents have is a normal, acceptable husband-wife relationship, would be a crime against those children.
Sounds like her love language may be words of affirmation, and her husband gives her none because he's too busy giving it all to his sister. Bro when you get married your wife is your best friend. Stop it!
My heart goes out to her. She seems like such a wonderful person. I had a Mother’s Day like that when once and had a break down. We were grieving a miscarriage.
I come from a family of 10 kids. Strict upbringing. Few things. 1. Trauma bond is real in families this size. 2. The older kids do play a paternal role in the kids, especially if the parents aren't connecting with their kids. 3. Certain kids will connect much closer with some siblings than others and it can result in really, really close realotionships. 4. Wives are different. Not less special, not less wonderful or needed or loved. But there's something about connections that are made in families our size. We should all go out of our way to help our spouses feel and see how special they are, even if they're not *that* sibling. Try hard, King.
I come from a family of 8 siblings, 10 if you count my step brother and a “non official” adopted brother who was also raised with us (and yes I count both)… we have trauma bonds as well and you’re right that this bond is strong and that there are siblings who bonded (for whatever reason) more deeply with some than with others. HOWEVER, that bond doesn’t prevent us from being able to bond just as strongly (if not more strongly) with people we’re in non sibling relationships with. You said _”Theres something about connections that are made with families our size”_ … yes, but he’s married with kids now, THAT is his family, it’s his nuclear family and the family he grew up in now becomes his EXTENDED family. That’s the issue I think, he still views his extended family as his nuclear family, which puts his actual nuclear family in the position to be secondary, when they should have become his nuclear family and primary unit the second he said “I do”.
IMO - I have had this happen from step-children's spouses. It really hurts, because one of the spouses publicly praises the biological mom to the high hills o social media, etc.. And we are very involved in their lives. I feel like my husband has let me down in this regard, because he never set boundaries with his own kids about our relationship.
I would love a follow up on this. I know it’s not any of my business but i really feel she is so unappreciated. I would love to know that it all went well and her husband has stepped up. She sounds so sad and she is a mom of 3 under 3 year old!!!!! … that is super mom status.
He does not love her. To spend Mother’s Day focused on every other mother he knows, and even his sister, who is not a mother, and totally ignore his wife in the celebration is gaslighting. The fact he blames her when she brings things up about his lack of care and consideration is narcissistic.
Or that husband is absolutely clueless about what he is (not) doing or he just doesn't love her anymore. I think he's just being clueless, but hopefully she'll get that sorted out real soon.
Sadly I am going through this. I spoke to my husband about it and he totally disregarded everything I said. It’s one of the reasons why we are separating. If this is not the first time we have issues I rather not continue in this relationship. He gets home and has nothing much to share with me plans, feelings, goals nothing. Before he calls me he always calls her, after he calls me he makes sure to call her. Everyday this was happening without me noticing. Now he co-signed a rental for get behind my back. This was the main reason why her guy dumbed her since she did the same to him a few years back. My husband opened credit cards for her and she can’t afford to pay the minimum payments but decides to continue to help her. I am done and sick of it.
I won't go visit my brother anymore because my sister-in-law will not let me and my siblings be alone with him unless she is sitting right there. It's so irritating. In fact, she has told me and my siblings that we are not to see my brother unless she is there too. I finally just walked away and told myself that I would not visit anymore. Bye-bye. When I was married, I would never think about putting conditions on my husband when visiting family. I just don't understand it.
Well your brother has allowed that. It’s HIM. Now I will ask this question, are you and your siblings using your alone time with him to put a bug in his ear about his wife? Families tend to try to drive wedges in marriages and then whine about how they are kept away. What do you have to say to him that you can’t say in front of his wife? There is nothing I have to say to my brother that I can’t openly say in front of his wife. What is the deal with the alone time? You are in her house and expertly her to get lost? I’m just asking because that’s the way it sounds.
@@truthbetold6942 My brother and my other siblings are fully aware of why I won't visit them. All is well. They can have their marriage and I've given myself the peace that I'll have not having to be in the same room with her again. It's all good.
@@LisaLisaCJ I understand where you are coming from. I would never drive a wedge in anyone's marriage. But I would like to see just my brother once in awhile without her presence. She irritates the hell out of me. I find her over the top irritating. I live 350 miles away from them and I just won't go back and I live my own life here. It's all good.
@@9liveslisaHas something happened in the past between you and her that changed her behavior to something drastic like this? I'm not close to my husbands family either but multiple things happened cause that. However he can see his family alone whenever he wants.
My ex and his sister were obsessed with each other, and also did everything together. I honestly thought their relationship was very strange and it creeped me out, especially now looking back. It was the sister who was the jealous one and hated that her brother wasnt spending all his time with her.
IMO - I left a husband over this same issue. The blood relatives where considered above the people who married into the family. When couples get married the spouse comes first.
Ive experienced this jealously from my brothers wife. But we would go fishing and he was more relaxed wirh me because of their rocky relationship ups and downs.... my brorher was a father figure so much older almost a decade and no father in the home..but my brother would never choose me for holiday's over the mother of his children or his children...idk. My brother and I have alot of great memories and if i noticed my brother not giving credit to the mother of his children i would speak out to my brother...maybe speak to the sister about how your feeling but not blaming her. Hopefully she would enlighten him and make a suggestion to promote these needs the wife is feeling a lack of
not dumping on the caller here, but this super tight sibling relationship was well established when she first met her husband. and she may have admired how close they were and how much they supported each other. really its a lovely thing when you see a person you love having loving relationships with others-friends, family, even a pet. but when someone is so devoted to another you have to examine carefully if they will fully make room in their life for someone else and will you be treated with same love, support etc. id bet anything there were signs before the marriage and the babies and the caller brushed them off.
If she admired it before marriage then she was probably thinking that if he treats his sister so well that he will treat her just as well if not better. It's not on her that she was wrong about that. We usually look for signs that he's in good relationship with his family because we hope that's how he will treat us and his kids later.
![[UNCUT] The Loyal Pin ปิ่นภักดิ์ EP.15 (1/4)](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/TLBjiHvkKtE/mqdefault.jpg)
Her husband is emotionally detached from his wife and emotionally invested in his sister. It doesn’t have to be sexual to be inappropriate. To not ever show her any public or private appreciation and regularly and publicly celebrate the sister is FOUL.
Yep!
it is clearly sexual and inappropriate. who ignores their wife and is obsessed with their… sister? only siblings that have feelings for each other which is disgustingly more common than society realizes because of how shunned it is. no normal person would shame their wife and praise their sister and treat their sister like their wife… that is a clear indicator of something inappropriate going on. like i said it is so shunned that most siblings would never admit to their families, spouses, or even themselves about their feelings.
@@ihateallyallit's not necessarily that, though I wouldn't fault anyone for thinking that. I do think this might have to do with the Madonna-whore complex. Sad as shet!! I have seen this happen several times. Men compare women in their lives to the women they historically saw exploited. Sad
@@ihateallyall Emotional Incest is the term.
@@ihateallyall💯
You have every right to be jealous. How can he find a way to mention his sister who’s not a mother but forget to honour the actual mother of his children. Ugh I feel you girl.
What's wrong with fucking your sister???
I think they are bumping uglies 🤢
Me too 😞😥
@@kimyoung3484he thinks of his sister as his mother.
Dr. Delony. I am a priest and people come to me all the times with their family issues. I have learned SO MUCH from you. I cannot thank you enough. The dignity with which you treat people, how you give them another chance and how you exhaust all possibilities first to save the relationship… it’s a delight to hear you counseling people.
Thank you for helping me to be a better person and to be of service to others.
As a fellow Catholic, thank you so much for all you do as a priest 💛 peace be with you, Father!!
God bless you Father ❤
Hello Father,
I’m so happy that you listen to him, I know how much us parishioners rely on wisdom in the confessional etc. & life is so interwoven. Wise.
God bless you, Father🤍
Coming from a priest that is a powerful complement to Dr.John!!
I feel for the caller. Something tells me the husband may regret marrying her and having multiple children so close in age. It seems he's living in an alternate reality that doesn't include her ...to send other women Mothers' Day greetings (including the childless sister) and not her is simply a low blow.
Do you mean childless sister?
@@MsDorcelus Yes, childless not motherless. Oops!
Sounds like the husband is so worried about everyone else thinks of him, except his wife is just left behind in the dust
This guy is completely dismissing his wife, her feelings, holidays, etc. There is something deeper going on. It isn't the sister.
My brother only calls me to gossip roast or critique our parents parenting skills 😂😂
Oh, geez, that's a whole other show. :0)
😂
Mine (I have 3) only call me to ask for/borrow money 😂🤣
Lol same. We have the same memories of our childhood so we bond over that
@@megalopolis2015 lol!!😂😂🤣🤣
Honestly, I'm jealous of your husband's relationship with his sister, too
😂😂😂😂I'M DEAD!!!
@@b.r.wright911 please don't die on me! 😂
Right? 😅
Better than family drama.
😂😂 🤭 😆 same lmao jeeze
She just wants him to openly show that he respects and values her like he does his sister.
Yes but I think it's more than that. It sounds like he loves and respects his sister more than anyone else which is why she's his top focus. I think the wife wants his love and his attention more bc it sounds like his sister gets all of it leaving her to feel like the third wheel. It's almost as if he married her bc she fit in so well with he and his sister's relationship and allowed him to focus on her as much as he wanted..... bc I have no doubt other women he's dated in the past have complained. I think she brought up some very valid points and Dr. John was more dismissive about them than he should have been
@@GameChanger597 I agree. This sweet lady has ever right to feel the way she does. I agree that she may have been chosen because she didn't initially notice how overly close her now husband is to his sister. He's treating her in ways that should be saved for his wife. This is sad on so many levels.
Sounds like he doesn't
Never dismiss the way your spouse feels, they should be your priority.
My brother and I are very close, growing up we did almost everything together. We’re now adults and he’s married with kids. His wife was and still is jealous of our relationship. I have stepped into a new lane in our relationship to let them build and for her to take the number 1 place but she’s still jealous. If my brother was admiring me like this man I think my sis in a law would kill me. To prevent the destruction of my brother and I relationship I took on a different role. My brother needs to take care of his wife first and I encourage that. This woman sounds sweet I’ve been in relationships where the man is nicer to everyone else but me. I was the last one on the totem pole so I understand her. He needs to meet her needs and she will have no issue with the sister. Its a simple fix.
I'm glad you are a functioning and wise adult
@raspberrykissable Welll it IS a simple fix, but only if **HE** is ready to fix it. If not, it's not simple.
@@janelleg597 Thank you! I just try to treat others how I would be treated.
@@girlygirl1890 Hopefully he’s willing to otherwise he’s in for misery.
We're getting one side of this story. I'd need to hear the husband's perspective before condemning him. I don't agree with the other commenters. I think the wife here has a lot of resentment toward this big, close family her husband grew up in, and I suspect a big source of this problem is that she is carrying baggage from her own childhood.
She is the other woman. The wife is feeling like the mistress because she's got the sex and the money but not the admiration and the emotional bond.
Her jealousy is justified, I wouldnt be able to understand this.
I’m upset for her, she sounds so sweet. I expect to be number 1 in a marriage. We put each other before parent, siblings, friends, everyone!
@@gmarie3053such men find themselves all alone if wife dies before him .
I think all of her feelings are justified. His wife should be the #1 woman in his life, not his sister.
A divorce would end that, but not the sister
that's ridiculous.
That's not jealousy. That's the alarm bells going off that there's something very wrong. She's giving examples of what she thinks is her being jealous. I'd be really creeped out if my husband was like this. We read the news. There's weird crap happening all the time. I would be putting soooooooo much distance between a me and a husband like that.
He's in love with her point blank period
I was getting Cesare Borgia vibes from it.
@@SydniAnnBakermaybe he trusts the sister more than his wife. Can’t blame him. Wives are opportunistic.
Ya didn’t even listen to the video
It sounds like there is limited respect and intimacy in their relationship and the sister is the example of how that shows up.
I would not be comfortable being in a relationship where I got the end of every stick a man had to give emotionally, no matter who he gave he sticks out to.
She gave birth to his 3 children, she should be the hero to his story…end of story. That Mother’s Day story was heartbreaking, any woman would feel left out and hurt.. She’s not crazy.
She is not crazy at all. This man doesnt love her at all.
Its not even a matter of not knowing how to express himself because he expresses his love for his sister, all the time.
These lady's story did bring me to tears, probably because it hits too close to home. I hope that Dr. Delony is right that husband is hopefully open to hearing his wife bare her soul like she did here.
She sounds incredibly sweet. She seems honest with herself. I hope she finds a way to ask her husband for some compassion and validation in the ways that matter to her, and finds a way to walk away if he doesn't.
She uses that little girl voice which can be quite offputting.
She doesn’t need to walk away from this
Yes, she needs to drop the little girl voice. It’s almost like she’s looking for daddy’s praise from her husband and feels the sister is getting it rather than her.
@@Jennieallen415what little girl voice do you mean? I think that’s just how she sounds, some people are just soft spoken.
@@pnwpariah8691 It is not an adult woman voice. A good vocal coach and some speech lessons would improve her credibility immensely.
As a sister who is very close to her brother this is weird. If his wife was feeling pushed away what needs to happen is she needs to tell him and HE needs to set boundaries. My brother and I talk on the phone frequently but when his partner calls we hang up (and I don’t think anything of it) or when they have dinner dates they go or something scheduled they do it over anything me and my brother have planned . Other than phone calls and trips a couple times a year as a family I know he is partnered and that’s his priority if his sister doesn’t understand this ITS WIERD.
Can I ask a question? Do you get mad when he talks to his wife over you? Or has to hang up when his wife calls? I’m asking because o endured this with my ex husbands sisters. They would want him to call them on Valentine’s Day and talk to them over me. And I always felt crazy because it bothered me.
It's like incest without the sex.
@@LisaLisaCJNo, I expect my brother to prioritize his wife. I don’t take any offense to it. I would think less of my brother if he didn’t put his wife first.
My ex husband idolised his sister and he was completely controlled by her. She was one of the many reasons we divorced.
We must have been married to the same guy? I was recently divorced by a man that chose his sister over me always. And now he and his sister live together alone, playing house in OUR marital home that he is trying to screw me out of my half on. I’m pursuing legal action to force them both out so I can sell the house.
To clarify, he was the one who filed for divorce after we had an argument about his sister. I’m all the 9 years I was with him, the only thing we ever fought about was her. Then he chose her!! When I’m being petty, I’ll reference them as “sister-wife” and “brother-husband” Lol. Whatever though, at least now I can find a real man that knows what it means to cleave to his wife, because my ex never ever did 😢
@@TheChihuahua83I’m so sorry to hear that, and honestly it’s good you got out of that when you did. clearly him and his sister have a romantic relationship, which is more common that people realize with brothers and sisters. some literally fall in love in childhood and want to be with each other but try to look normal and date other people, and honestly that sounds like the case here for sure. no normal siblings move in together as adults and play house like it’s normal… i’m so sorry you had to deal with that.
I’ve heard this so many times wow
@@TheChihuahua83o wow that sounds like incest to me because wth!
This marriage is doomed, the guy idolizes his sister and himself too much to leave room for anyone else. A stay at home mom has zero chance of impressing him, except in the dark. Sad.
Agreed. Sorry to say he will never change.
What's wrong with fucking your sister???
Sounds like he came from a dysfunctional family and the older brother was smart enough to nope out.
Agree, just watch if the sister dates how jealous the brother will be lol😅
@@crystalglopez91623this right here 😂😂
The level of disrespect this woman is enduring right now is gonna grow... He did the whole gaslight thing: "You're crazy...." NOT good. That means he isn't even ready to listen.
That’s what I am saying too. She needs to prepare for the worst.
@@Mitzi73 You're saying "she needs to prepare for the worst." I say she needs to tell him I think you'd be better off marrying your sister if things don't change."
Yes!! She was vulnerable and it took courage to tell him how she is hurting and he responds with “you’re crazy”!!! Red flags 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩
@@girlygirl1890don’t encourage divorce and homelessness and poverty for her.
She needed to teach him how to treat her a long time ago, yet she always swallowed her tongue and allowed the dismissals to occur. Noone knows what they're doing wrong until they're told.
Exactly - 5 years of marriage, 3 kids, 10+ years of being together... there were a lot of moments to address this.
no way this guy isn’t doing this deliberately to put her down. The Mother’s Day story alone
Many people know they are doing wrong, they always pick the right people to tolerate their wrongdoings
John didn’t bring this up, but I suspect this guy is like me and his love for his wife goes without saying, but she still wants to hear it. Of course I love my wife, of course I respect and admire her. Of course I believe in her 100% and have absolute faith in anything she says. She has my cars keys, credit card, access to my safe and my 401k, how much more faith can I have in a person?
It took her telling me “hey dummy, women like to hear that out loud” to understand what this caller is talking about.
@@SarahConnor562I haven't listened to call but wow that's so f**ed up. Talk about passive-aggressive, some people enjoy putting their significant others in constant state of doubt.
@@SarahConnor562Agree.
He's capable of showing his love and respect to a woman. But not to his wife.
He shows admiration and love for his sister, so there’s no reason or excuse that he doesn’t or can’t or forgets to show it to his wife
This is not normal behavior, it is over the top towards his sister. Actions speak louder than words, take the kids and leave.
I think she’s focusing too much energy on the sister (I don’t think anything disgusting/weird is going on), instead of focusing on the fact her husband doesn’t put any effort into their relationship.
Not what a person says . It’s what he is doing. His actions suggest a strong emotional connection. Lori Vallow’s relative talked about Lori’s inappropriate relationship with her brother. It was later determined the brother killed her husband. Then Lori’s brother was killed . At their parents home how sexualized their behavior was towards each other.
@@wordsalad01 it was suspected Chad wanted him gone. Because Lori’s brother hated her husband.
@@wordsalad01 This relationship with his sister is intimate . As it is not shared with anyone else . 🤦🏾♀️
I imagine she is beautiful and that is what really makes her insecure.
It’s a weird relationship. Sister needs to move away.
Most people experience jealousy, not everyone admits it, it's what u do with it. People who put u down for having those feelings aren't worth ur time. Do ur best to deal with it and move on.
You are right it’s what you do with those feelings
This sounds like the Friends episode where Rachel dates the guy who is way too close to his sister.
Literally thought this immediately haha!! Danny the Yeti isn’t it
😂
Yeah!
Literally thought of this when I saw the title 😂
also my first thought!! 👊🤣
At first I thought she was being unreasonable but as she continued to explain, I now understand her feelings. The problem is not his sister. There is something else going on here. Maybe cheating on his part? Maybe something she is doing, that she doesn’t mention? Idk. But I agree with the Mother’s Day thing. Why did he wish everyone else Happy Mother’s Day EXCEPT for her ?? I agree that sounds passive-aggressive.
Also when John says “my guess is that he doesn’t know what he is doing”, she laughs. That makes me feel like he really does and she knows it. But John’s theory is interesting and quite possible too. Just putting in my 2 cents.
Would be nice to hear from the guy. It really makes a difference, even though people lie; sometimes you can tell.
There are much deeper issues than what we heard given the short call. He is enmeshed emotionally with his sister, and is not attaching to his wife. I would be very curious to know what his sister thinks of this dynamic. As a family therapist, systems are extremely complex and in religious homes, when filled with control and legalism, can even breed unconscious sexual drives for a sibling, parent or other. Yes, it is creepy! He wouldn’t ever want to admit that, but it is an emotional, possibly sexual, enmeshed relationship that needs intervention professionally. I’d also be interested to know if he is talking to his sister about deeper emotional issues and processes going on with his wife. If that’s the case, he has definitely failed to “leave and cleave”-leave his family of origin (emotionally, physically etc) and cleave to his wife. That doesn’t mean abandon your family of origin, but there must be boundaries, otherwise the marriage is bound to fail.
It's actually pretty common in families like the husband's for the older children to be subject to parentification. They are basically parent to the younger siblings. Not an excuse, but I think that may be where a lot of the enmeshment and role confusion comes from.
I think its a little weird. I would feel the same.
My heart breaks for this woman. I was in tears hearing about her Mother’s Day 😢
My brother and I are super close we were like twins growing up and we talk all the time and text all the time and he has an amazing wife and he adores her. It’s really up to the husband understanding his wife’s needs and any cool sister will encourage that! My brother calls His wife, me and my daughter is three angels.
❤❤❤
I have a friend in a similar predicament. She loves her sister in law, but her husband opens up to her in a way he doe not with anyone else, they have these inside jokes that make her feel excluded, and secrets he tells her that he does not tell his wife, and shes jealous. Having a close sibling relationship is wonderful, but when you are married, the intimacy with your wife should be sacred, and top priority.
All I hear is that he's passive-aggressive, and he knows he's hurting her. The question is, why is he doing this?
Personally, I'd leave the sister out of it. It's not about the sister because if he was giving her the attention she needed, the sister would cease to be an issue.
He is a Narcissist he does not care anout his family only is sister.
EXCELLENT POINT ‼️💯
I hope the husband reads through these comments to realize how lame he is. He devalues his wife and has no boundaries with his sister. I’m sure he has told his sister how his wife feels and yet, his sister has not backed off nor created boundaries for herself. She loves her superior position in her brother’s life and wants to stay there because she gets her validation from him. I experienced this with my narcissistic ex and his flying monkey sister. To the wife, I would start my own savings stash on the side and save as much as possible. Your husband may be a narcissist and may view his sister as an extension of him, so she’s perfection in his eyes. He will only value you when he knows you are financially independent and don’t need him to financially support you. He will only value you when he knows you aren’t afraid to walk away.
I’m going to jump on and off the bandwagon here
Ladies, gents, under no circumstances should you expect your partner to show this level of lack of acknowledgement. It is natural we expect them to be our biggest fan and our loudest cheerleader at home.
But that is not always the case. Sometimes we have to suck up, even though it hurts so bad that we have to do this, and say
“Hey, we need to talk, because I’m not happy.”
Our response to this action is to feel like we’re being needy and pathetic. Or our pride gets stung and we get angry at something our partner doesn’t even know they’re doing.
Listen to Dr. John. There is no shame in say “I need you to show me more love.” Because your partner is the one you should be able to say this to the easiest.
It sounds like this guy came from a religious fundie family and that alone F's people up in many ways and may explain why he is enmeshed with his sister. The fact the older brother noped out spells something wasn't right about this family. He proabbly has lot of hidden childhood sisues and needs to work them out before he can committ to anyone.
@@sueblack5794 that's a lot of assumption about someone who wasn't even included in the phone call lol.
@@jaciemokidm609 She says that in the call bro. A family of 10, religious conservative.
@@sueblack5794 that supports nothing of the assumptions made. Large, religious families have an obvious stigma against them and you can see it in the comments.
Correlation does not imply causation.
Delony even said that he gets that question a lot more than people would expect.
This is very little but telling information to work off of, but I am getting a major whiff of covert narcissism here. My ex would play the game of reaching out to former female coworkers to say happy birthday but really wouldn't do much for me when it was my special day for anything. He would try to be the hero coming through for everyone at work but didn't care at all about how lacking he was as a husband and man of our home, when I wasn't asking very much of him. He also idolized his sister and I felt like she was the one woman in his life he chose to love unconditionally and with me it was all conditional. I divorced him due to many huge and small issues that hurt me deeply and he simply didn't care.
Ooh this sounds like my dad. I’ve never thought of it as this. He would forget my moms birthday but buy gifts for female coworkers. If we needed something he never followed through but if a friend needed help, he’d go immediately.
@@miranda725 your poor mom. 😔
girl .... his mom is his mom, don't be doing stuff for his mom for mother's day.
The wife should be the primary focus when a man gets married. She birthed three children & they’re all under five from what I can recall. Why didn’t he make sure that the mother of his children feel special & appreciated on Mother’s Day? 👀
@@MsDorcelus and his mother birthed him, so... He can dedicate mother's day to both of them.
His mom, is now also her mom. She should not have been in charge of organising mothers for her though, hubby should have organised for both.
@@naomiomi7340 Agreed
@@naomiomi7340No she has her mom and he has his mom. The woman is her MIL, not her mother DU MM Y.
My mother was the oldest of 9 and my ex was the third ACoA in a family of seven children. Large families are like cults - especially when there is abuse involved. All the family energy goes into protecting each other and the abuser; and the children turn to each other for all their needs because they are not being met by their parents; and because there are so many of them that they have no need to go outside the family to get their needs met. They take these roles into their adulthood so their bonds with each other are stronger than their bonds with their own spouses and children - very much like the bonds of soldiers after a war. This is a situation that she can't win. Her husband has turned to his sister for his emotional needs all his life. The best she can learn to do is accept it - or walk.
Best not to generalize. I have a family member, Catholic family, with 8 kids and they all are kind, respectful people. They were involved and well accepted in the community, lots of friends and hobbies.
Egypt is also where my husband is from, lots of religious Muslims with many kids, at least 4 or 5 in many cases. They have 5 brothers and one sister in the family. After spending lots of time with multiple families there, I really loved the culture and the relationships.
I grew up in a family with just one sister and no religion, that had it's downsides too. I think every family and individual has its challenges, often times they're just different. Important to see each situation on its own with it's unique dynamics, than to just simply say that large families are like cults. That hasn't been what I've witnessed, not by a long shot.
Ik the comment above says you're off but you just described my family. 🤷🏿
@@jaciemokidm609 I actually didn't generalize. My comment speaks specifically of children in large, trauma-bonded families. And, I actually didn't say anything about religion...
@@SummaGirl1347 "Large families are like cults - especially when.."
I took that as the generalization.
@@hushpuppy698 Sadly, I described a huge number of families, big and small. But, the dynamics tend to be much more defined and easier to see in large families where everyone assumes a predictable role in order to survive the trauma. And, large families tend to be able to hide their secrets better than smaller ones…until they leave the family system.
I feel so bad for this poor lady.
Something I connected recently is that some people, and it sounds like her husband may be like this, sit much more comfortably in their role in their origin family than their new developing family. John is right, he knows he’s good at this, so he refuses to do what he needs to step up at and humbly learn.
It’s okay to make mistakes, we all have, but we all need to grow and be uncomfortable until we become resilient.
She has a right to feel some type of way, period!
Also I don’t like Steve Harvey but he said a woman should never marry a man whose sister was and is his best friend growing up. You will never win.
I don't like Steve Harvey either. 👍
He is in love 🥰 with his sister. He idealism for that woman is much better for her than his wife, he does that because he admires her more than his wife. I won’t waist 6 months with that guy.
I sense he's the kind of guy who values independent, smart, strong, secure women over a woman he perceives to be a stay at home mom who is insecure and needs a lot of reassurance. For some men, what they do is who they are. If his business is very important to him, his sister has more value than his wife who is basically just a nanny for his children. It's sad, but a lot of men have that view. And, don't rule out that he has a crush on his sister. It's bizarre, but I think it happens more than people think. At this point, now that she expressed being insecure about the sibling relationship, I'm sure he told his sister about it because they're so close, and both him and his sister are having a little fun messing with her mind, which isn't very nice. I think the Facebook posts and the Mother's Day stuff is just a way to purposely get under her skin and laugh about it. Not nice at all. She might want to stop being so naive and giving her husband and the sister so much credit for being supposedly great people. She should tell him to knock it off if he wants to stay married. It's as simple as that.
Best comment, I think.
@@jaciemokidm609 Thank you. ☺️
💥 boom
Run girl. It doesn't get better. My x said he is priority before his sister's husband, and her husband and his sister are OK with that. It's sick. Also she tried to tell him how to raise my kid. So no it doesn't get better, just run. And men please do not make your family meddle in your life and keep your relationship private. Man up and cut the strings, same with women.
I was in a similar situation. We had babies, and a few times my husband’s sister asked him “Hey, ya wanna go out for dinner and a movie? What? Your wife won’t let you go? Can’t you just take a night off?” Now that the kids are older I wouldn’t mind staying with them if my husband and his sister went out. But when they were in diapers, non-verbal, breastfed, etc. it was an awkward request.
I have a very close relationship with my brother and I would never take him away from his duties as a father and have him throw all of it on his wife - that’s not good man behavior. That sister has no boundaries. I my sibling and I want to hang we ask and either say yes or I’m busy and no one gets offended because we’re adults ……
@@Twestliw my ex husband would travel for work and I would be home with the kids. He would come home and his sisters would want him to come to their house without us and do chores and family time etc or watch their kids. This is why we ended up divorced. He just always put their needs first. Well he is remarried and they have an issue with the new wife. It’s just strange
@@LisaLisaCJ glad you are free of this immature
pr I ck
I dont see a problem with him going out with his sister and you watching the kids, similarly you get a night off and he watches the kids. Nothing weird about grabbing a meal and hanging out with a sibling.
@@LisaLisaCJ sorry that happened. If anything I am constantly pushing my brother to be a better provider partner and father. This sometimes gets heated but we never let it affect our relationships which is why we are so close and trust each other. Siblings are there to give their support and call you out when you’re fucking up without taking it personal. Not make you worst at the things above.
It’s not too late sweet Erica!
Tell your husband exactly how you feel even though it’s going to be painful. It’s better to share what is going on now, then to sweep it under the rug for years.
I think this is fixable. Just tell your husband that you’d like to be appreciated and admired the same way that his sister is appreciated and admired.
Another big motivator for him I think would be that you can tell him that you want to model a healthy marriage for the kids you have. They’re under the age of three now, but they’re going to grow up.
They’re going to watch everything that their parents do. They don’t want to see their mom devastated because their dad appears to show greater affection for their art.
When you get married, the wife comes first. Even the Bible says so. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. I’m not married yet, but this episode and many other episodes have taught me a lot about marriage and parenting.
Yes, the Bible says that a man should leave his father and mother and cling to his wife. So if a man is to leave his father and mother, he also must leave his sister.
My brothers girlfriend says it’s weird how close we are because her and her brother hate each other. I think it’s weird they hate each other?
Definitely weird when people think hating their siblings is the norm. I love my brother and sister so much!!
It's easy to hate a sibling, when they are as abusive towards you, as your mother was. I haven't spoken to my sisters in over a decade, because I know, my boys don't deserve to see their mom abused by people who are supposed to love and protect her unconditionally.
The Mother’s Day thing is ridiculous. That would have sent me over the edge.
When you get married, you leave your family and cleave with your wife. Previous roles change.
Any best friend no longer comes first. That's the wife's position now. Is there a competitive spirit in the sister if she doesn't encourage her brother to make his wife secure and feel wanted?
Dr J is so darn good!
Very easy to take those we love the most for granted if we aren't careful.
I'm not sure her going to him and asking him to say admiring things about her etc. is going to change him or wake him up or teach him anything, because she already told him she wanted that, and he told her she was "crazy." Isn't that what men (usually men) say to their wives when they're cheating and the wife notices something? His first reaction was to pathologize any mention of his relationship with his sister vs. his relationship with his wife. He wants to shut that down.
People are pointing out that the brother and sister own a business together, and so of course they are going to need to be in frequent communication with each other. A brother and sister starting a business together is an uncommon occurrence. My question is, do they need to be in frequent communication because of the business together, or did they start a business together in order to be in frequent communication with each other?
I'd also question if jealousy is even the right word, or better, the only word, for what she's feeling. Maybe suspicious would be another feeling, but that's too dangerous a word to say.
She’s so accomplished, so intelligent, blah blah blah. I’m so sick and tired to the bone of men that don’t appreciate their stay home mom wife. He is very much openly telling her she’s crazy, and openly admiring his “accomplishing” sister. Raising children is the most accomplishing and rewarding and difficult job ! John points out it’s great she married a man of character who treats his sister well. A man of character calls his wife crazy ? Ok John. You’re way off on that! He’s NOT a man of character at all for not verbally and openly appreciating his own wife who’s raising their 3 children.
@gabrielamartininiuc6322 ****YOU****** my friend.....Hit the nail on the head! You said exactly the things I was thinking...While listening, I was like what John?????? Come on now.
Totally disagree. He does sound like a great man who really loves all of his family, but like most people aren’t worried about their right hand, he’s now worried about his wife. We have to allow great people to make mistakes and let them know where they can learn.
Saying ur sister is amazing is not bad mouthing ur wife though. Those are two different thoughts.
He and his sister have been in a partnership for years. I feel the wife has a legitimate concern. The family is so close, he never built an exclusive relationship with the wife. She’s a child or distant relative in her husband’s mind.
I’m not even a mother, but being ignored by the father of my kids on Mother’s Day while his attention is on everyone but me, would be like a knife. I wonder where this couple is at today.
Especially to a woman that doesn't even have children!
This is a legitimate jealousy. Every time she has brought up what she was feeling he dismissed it. She sounds like a sweetheart, however on this subject she will have to firm, and tell her husband what she needs and what HAS to change. He has to cleave to his wife, he has not yet. 🙏🏾❤️
Something she said is rather telling and I'm not sure many caught it. She said "his older brother wouldn't take on the okder brother role so he had to."
So often the older siblings in families like this get subject to high levels of parentification. Basically he was the junior dad so he is taking on the parent role rather than the sibling role with his sister. Husband may not realize it but he just got overly enmeshed and the roles got confused, so what we see as weird he's just feeling like a dad proud of a daughter.
Not excusing his behavior, but it does give some context.
Wow. 🤯 things to realize before you get married for sure.
This guy sounds like he should have married his sister!
he has
@@vickimerritt2832 lol. True.
She messed up, she shouldn’t have married a man who is building a life with his sister. She was just the woman he wanted to use to make his kids, but the sister is his partner in business and in life. Men are to bare the ground and provide so they are wired to be attracted to making money and his sister helps him do that. She probably won’t get that same attention from him unless she becomes their assistant or something. He doesn’t connect to her having birthed children because he really didn’t have to do any hard work for that. She has to find a way to connect with him that makes him see her as important to the things he cares about. Some men just don’t connect with their kids and wife in the way they connect to their finances.
But of course it isn't the husbands fault at all and he doesn't need therapy at all
It’s not about it being his fault because it is HER needs not being met and she is the one complaining about it. She chose her life. She chose her husband. She is responsible for what she chooses. So no it’s not her fault that her husband behaves the way he does. It’s her fault that she said yes to being his wife and having his kids when he isn’t the man she wants. She’s probably been seeking his validation for a long time and that’s why she had his kids and that didn’t work either and now she is trapped dealing with him forever.
@@The_Ki_ He's responsible for how he treats his wife. He's responsible for the choices he makes on a daily basis. He's responsible for what sort of a model of husband and father he is for his children. He's responsible for deceiving this woman into marrying him, while his first and only love is for his sister. He's responsible for instantly sexualising his relationship with his sister when his wife brought it up. He's responsible for dismissing his wife's legitimate feelings of jealousy instead of apologizing to her and mending his ways. He's responsible for being an a-hole.
Third call ; Dr Deloney should write a book for men on fatherhood. Like to get it seen
There is a book by derek prince called "husband's and fathers"
Mmmm red flags. This woman is justified this is just weird.
What someone does or doesn’t do is not what hurts. What hurts is why are they trying so hard to hurt you.
If the sister in law is so awesome,? why isn't she married? I am sure if she had a boyfriend or husband they would find the relationship between the brother and sister very odd. I had a close relationship with my brother but there was no way that I would put it to the forefront of my husband.
As a man that his love language is expression. Take what the women in the coments are saying with a grain of salt. I normally show my love by working hard for those that I love (not so much for me), by giving an example of how a man that loves God behaves and by buying food and gifs, but I never used to express myself verbally because I wanted to by judged by my actions not by my words. I now understand that women also need to hear this which is something I’m working on. I hope your husband works on himself and listens to your needs. Your are an example of a great woman!
Glad you're working on something that you see is an issue, there are lots of men out there who choose their pride over accountability. Well done.
Oh my gosh John, same to the flower thing. I think flowers are a waste of money and my fiancé knew I felt that way. I had to clarify to him that every now and then, yes, flowers (the gesture more so) are very appreciated! But please do not buy them once a week! Haha
John is absolutely on point with all of his advices in this instance
There's the matter of first loyalty to one's spouse. This husband needs a wake-up call.
"How can I love you better today?"
That's a beautiful question.
When you get married you’re making your spouse your priority, your spouse becomes your family & the family you grew up in becomes your EXTENDED family… I think he still views his now extended family as “his family” and his wife and kids are viewed as his “extended family”. He doesn’t seem as invested in his actual family as he is with his extended family. It may be that he’s struggling to let go, or afraid of being an adult (a little late for THAT buddy), or didn’t have role models to know how parents/spouses behave, or any number of things, but aside from how unfair it is to his wife, I’m more concerned with how it’s affecting his kids, his wife can leave and find another husband, his kids can’t just go find another dad… because to not even put your daughters birthday on a calendar, but to put your sisters… there’s a huge disconnect going on there… your kids SHOULD be the first thing that pops into your head, not your sister. His actions are very telling in what he values and prioritizes in his life & it’s not his wife & kids unfortunately.
There needs to be follow up episodes to some of the videos this is one of them. I absolutely love this channel
I wouldn’t put up with it. But I never would have from the get go. You have to start as you plan to continue.
Something that annoys me is also the sexualization of the term "soulmates." I'm a Christian so to me God is the ultimate soulmate and people who share the same "conscience" (which is the reflection of the soul) are soulmates. I don't think there has to be anything sexual about it. I believe I am soulmates with my bf but I'd say I'm also soulmates with my pastor. There are very few people who can empathize with me because I am extremely logical and that seems to enrage a lot of people, most people can't handle the truth. The few who can, it's like mana from Heaven.
Girl friend you need to start saving to get your own place and say good bye to that man.
She has three kids under three that she chose to have with this man. To break up a family and leave kids without a dad because you are jealous of a sister is ridiculous.
@@lynnsmith4 To stay in a marriage like that, which will teach her children that what their parents have is a normal, acceptable husband-wife relationship, would be a crime against those children.
My heart hurts for you Erika!! I hope your situation improves and you feel appreciated like you deserve to be!!
NO BOUNDARIES, NO MORE MARRIAGE. No is the most beautiful word in the world.
Sounds like her love language may be words of affirmation, and her husband gives her none because he's too busy giving it all to his sister. Bro when you get married your wife is your best friend. Stop it!
My heart goes out to her. She seems like such a wonderful person. I had a Mother’s Day like that when once and had a break down. We were grieving a miscarriage.
Nah this gives me the creeps, like in an emotional incest kinda way. Like theres being close with family but then theres whatever this is….
It could be more than just "emotional incest" if you catch my drift.
I come from a family of 10 kids. Strict upbringing. Few things.
1. Trauma bond is real in families this size.
2. The older kids do play a paternal role in the kids, especially if the parents aren't connecting with their kids.
3. Certain kids will connect much closer with some siblings than others and it can result in really, really close realotionships.
4. Wives are different. Not less special, not less wonderful or needed or loved. But there's something about connections that are made in families our size.
We should all go out of our way to help our spouses feel and see how special they are, even if they're not *that* sibling.
Try hard, King.
I come from a family of 8 siblings, 10 if you count my step brother and a “non official” adopted brother who was also raised with us (and yes I count both)… we have trauma bonds as well and you’re right that this bond is strong and that there are siblings who bonded (for whatever reason) more deeply with some than with others.
HOWEVER, that bond doesn’t prevent us from being able to bond just as strongly (if not more strongly) with people we’re in non sibling relationships with.
You said _”Theres something about connections that are made with families our size”_ … yes, but he’s married with kids now, THAT is his family, it’s his nuclear family and the family he grew up in now becomes his EXTENDED family. That’s the issue I think, he still views his extended family as his nuclear family, which puts his actual nuclear family in the position to be secondary, when they should have become his nuclear family and primary unit the second he said “I do”.
@@The.Hawaiian.Kingdom great observation.
@@uscitizen3252 Thank you
IMO - I have had this happen from step-children's spouses. It really hurts, because one of the spouses publicly praises the biological mom to the high hills o social media, etc.. And we are very involved in their lives. I feel like my husband has let me down in this regard, because he never set boundaries with his own kids about our relationship.
I would love a follow up on this. I know it’s not any of my business but i really feel she is so unappreciated. I would love to know that it all went well and her husband has stepped up. She sounds so sad and she is a mom of 3 under 3 year old!!!!! … that is super mom status.
Me too.
He does not love her. To spend Mother’s Day focused on every other mother he knows, and even his sister, who is not a mother, and totally ignore his wife in the celebration is gaslighting. The fact he blames her when she brings things up about his lack of care and consideration is narcissistic.
This husband sounds like he doesn’t even like his wife.
Or that husband is absolutely clueless about what he is (not) doing or he just doesn't love her anymore. I think he's just being clueless, but hopefully she'll get that sorted out real soon.
“You in danger girl! “😢 He’s got a major CRUSH on his sister!
...or it is a dysfunctional family and he became a parent. No way are parents present when there are 10 kids in the home.
@@sueblack5794 Even a parent doesn't go on and on like that about an adult child.
@@catspajamas2961 that’s what I was thinking!
@@sueblack5794 definitely dysfunctional.
I totally understand this caller's concern.
I love the counsel you gave her, absolute 💯
I'm sorry...he called her crazy for expressing her opinion? Not cool, dude.
Sadly I am going through this. I spoke to my husband about it and he totally disregarded everything I said. It’s one of the reasons why we are separating. If this is not the first time we have issues I rather not continue in this relationship. He gets home and has nothing much to share with me plans, feelings, goals nothing. Before he calls me he always calls her, after he calls me he makes sure to call her. Everyday this was happening without me noticing. Now he co-signed a rental for get behind my back. This was the main reason why her guy dumbed her since she did the same to him a few years back. My husband opened credit cards for her and she can’t afford to pay the minimum payments but decides to continue to help her. I am done and sick of it.
I’d love to know how this turns out…
This is so messed up. What a weird obsession.
I won't go visit my brother anymore because my sister-in-law will not let me and my siblings be alone with him unless she is sitting right there. It's so irritating. In fact, she has told me and my siblings that we are not to see my brother unless she is there too. I finally just walked away and told myself that I would not visit anymore. Bye-bye. When I was married, I would never think about putting conditions on my husband when visiting family. I just don't understand it.
Please tell your brother clearly why you walked away, so your sister-in-law can not spin her own narrative to him.
Well your brother has allowed that. It’s HIM. Now I will ask this question, are you and your siblings using your alone time with him to put a bug in his ear about his wife? Families tend to try to drive wedges in marriages and then whine about how they are kept away. What do you have to say to him that you can’t say in front of his wife? There is nothing I have to say to my brother that I can’t openly say in front of his wife. What is the deal with the alone time? You are in her house and expertly her to get lost? I’m just asking because that’s the way it sounds.
@@truthbetold6942 My brother and my other siblings are fully aware of why I won't visit them. All is well. They can have their marriage and I've given myself the peace that I'll have not having to be in the same room with her again. It's all good.
@@LisaLisaCJ I understand where you are coming from. I would never drive a wedge in anyone's marriage. But I would like to see just my brother once in awhile without her presence. She irritates the hell out of me. I find her over the top irritating. I live 350 miles away from them and I just won't go back and I live my own life here. It's all good.
@@9liveslisaHas something happened in the past between you and her that changed her behavior to something drastic like this? I'm not close to my husbands family either but multiple things happened cause that. However he can see his family alone whenever he wants.
I genuinely don’t get people like this 🙄 it’s really weird please get therapy.
My ex and his sister were obsessed with each other, and also did everything together. I honestly thought their relationship was very strange and it creeped me out, especially now looking back. It was the sister who was the jealous one and hated that her brother wasnt spending all his time with her.
IMO - I left a husband over this same issue. The blood relatives where considered above the people who married into the family. When couples get married the spouse comes first.
Ive experienced this jealously from my brothers wife. But we would go fishing and he was more relaxed wirh me because of their rocky relationship ups and downs.... my brorher was a father figure so much older almost a decade and no father in the home..but my brother would never choose me for holiday's over the mother of his children or his children...idk. My brother and I have alot of great memories and if i noticed my brother not giving credit to the mother of his children i would speak out to my brother...maybe speak to the sister about how your feeling but not blaming her. Hopefully she would enlighten him and make a suggestion to promote these needs the wife is feeling a lack of
not dumping on the caller here, but this super tight sibling relationship was well established when she first met her husband. and she may have admired how close they were and how much they supported each other. really its a lovely thing when you see a person you love having loving relationships with others-friends, family, even a pet. but when someone is so devoted to another you have to examine carefully if they will fully make room in their life for someone else and will you be treated with same love, support etc. id bet anything there were signs before the marriage and the babies and the caller brushed them off.
If she admired it before marriage then she was probably thinking that if he treats his sister so well that he will treat her just as well if not better. It's not on her that she was wrong about that. We usually look for signs that he's in good relationship with his family because we hope that's how he will treat us and his kids later.
@@annav21 totally fair point
This guy is way too into his sister. 😂
Child neglect. I'm guessing he grow up watching his sister(both) neglected by the family.