Which phrase do you find yourself saying to your little one? To get the free guide - 8 Parenting Phrases to Rethink & What to Say Instead click here: brightestbeginning.com/bb_optin/8-common-parenting-phrases-to-rethink/?lead_source=youtube_185
Can you please make a video on how to correct the consequences of Be careful being used often until the child is already 4 years old? You are perfectly right, how do we make up for that in the future? Thank you so much, you are an angel and many children will grow better because of you!
The phrase “I’m right here if you need me” while I was going made me feel invincible. It’s definitely a huge confidence booster for young children especially if they look up to you.
I actually started doing some of the things you said just by watching my kid and seeing what works 😂 "food on the plate or in the mouth" for example, works pretty well! Also, if he starts playing around with the food and ignoring me, I ask if he is done and I can take his plate out since he is not eating. Usually works too. For leaving places, what works 90% of the time is not saying "let's go home", but enticing each step (like "let's go see if there are butterflies outside" to leave the building, and "let's get Teddy bear in the car" to enter the car. My kid is very adventurous and looking out for the next thing or activity to do, so this strategy usually works.
I do say "be careful" often, but mostly with an attached explanation. I feel like he understands if there is an explanation to why the need to be careful. Like going down the stairs would be "be careful, hold here and go slow so you won't fall"
Thank you!! I needed the example of what to do when your toddler just ignores you. The "all done?" strategy is something I'll definitely try. Something I'm trying to avoid though is always saving the plate for later. Ideally, eating time is the time to eat, not saving a plate and eating whenever. Maybe it's a control thing? How do you deal with that?
@@JoshHurtProbably one of those things that gets better with time and repetition, better off they’re fed for now. Personally I try to have designated meal times, but give lots of snacks and I save some the leftovers for snack time if it’s possible. You can also give the leftovers for next meal.
When I told my toddler not to paint on the couch, I reminded myself to tell her what to do instead of what not to do. So I added immediatly: "You can paint on the table!" She did exactly what I said and I realized that I should have added "on the paper". 😅 But I was so happy about that reaction, that she is now allowed to paint her table, too. 😂
Me too......😂😂😂😂😂 it reminded me of a Chandler from the tv series "Friends" when he tells Monica something like: stop telling me to be careful, I will be keeping being careful until you say otherwise 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My mum always said “be careful” and I know it made me feel anxious. I’ve given my son a lot of physical freedom, from not putting socks on him while indoors, he didn’t were any shoes until he could actually walk, and let him climb on furniture from a very young age while mats were on the floor below. Now he is 2 and a half, and it’s amazing how physically agile he is, he’s so aware of his surroundings, I almost never have to worry about him falling, because he knows his limits and what is/ isn’t safe to do. I’m so proud of him 🥰
My 2 year old daughter will ask for help doing some potentially dangerous physical task. I'll ask if she wants support or supervision, and most of the time she just wants me to stand within arm's reach while she tries new activities.
Yes! My daughter is 13 months and started walking. People have been asking why I don’t put shoes or socks on her (especially the in-laws that bought her a crap ton of shoes) and I’ve tried explaining multiple times but they don’t care they just want to see her wear them. I also let her explore and climb, I of coarse make sure the space is safe for exploration and I’m always near by. The same people always ask why I let her go through my cupboards or pull books off the shelves and why I don’t just put the TV on for her to be distracted…
Same with my (almost) 3 year old. When she started crawling at 8 months, she would be put on our big bed and she would go full speed ahead with no intention of stopping at the edges. Someone would always have to catch her before she went over and bring her back to a safer spot. Until one day I let her "fall". Not all the way to the ground of course, but with my hands on her, I let her go over and experience what the edge is, before I stopped her fall. From that point on, she was always so careful, you could almost trust her on her own. Only risk of falling off the bed would be when she couldn't see the edge, like when she would sit back not realizing the edge was too close behind her. To me this is the best example to prove the importance of letting them experiment.
I've been practicing my poker face when my toddler throws food. It takes an unbelievable amount of self-control to not react at all and consciously react well to other actions that are favoured. I have been trying to avoid "be careful" too. I try to explain specific dangers to her even if it may not be understood. There's danger everywhere and I have embraced it. You're absolutely right. If we want to keep our kids safe, the best thing we can do is teach them how to navigate a dangerous world themselves. This means we need to do a good job of explaining dangers to them and giving them (some) autonomy to make choices and experience consequences. Then we can be there for them, explain what happened, what they could do in the future and make them feel supported. I think that is a great way to gain their trust. Let them free and provide support as they figure stuff out. We should be mentors not police. Lol
For leaving the park or any other place, I've also learned from a Montessori parent that it's great to give them a heads up, anytime you want to transition from one activity to another. So five minutes before it's time you say "it looks like you're having so much fun! In five min it's time to leave, so when mama says" five min are up" we have to leave, okay?" (and ontop of the heads up you can use the two choice method as the last activity like mentioned in the video) so they don't feel like you're just ripping them away from an activity then and there. It's the cold turkey ripping them away from the current activity that upsets them most of the time. When it's time to leave you say "oh that looked like so much fun! And five minutes are up, time to leave" and if they still have a hard time leaving you can add in "would you like to carry my/your (item) to the car/pram?" to incentivise leaving. 🌻 Thank you for yet another great video, Emma, you teach us so many things just to be better parents, you're a gem and one of my fav TH-camrs! ❤️
This is so helpful!! I'm a first time Mamma to a 15 month old & I am a nervous wreck but don't want to hinder her exploration or growth. This has been very helpful, I'm even sharing it with her Dad, Lord knows we need pointers like these
My toddler tends to run and fall a lot. Today I said "watch your feet". He continued running at full speed watching his feet. He did not fall.. He ran straight into a wall 😂 Conclusion: raising kids "the right way" is impossible
I’ve done those at the playground but oddly enough if I got my son to verbally say “bye bye playground!” He was suddenly so much better with parting and didn’t have the lingering whining. It translated into parting other things too, like “bye bye cars” etc if we needed to change tasks or put away toys.
Given them an action is very engaging for them. Also for getting to sleep, a ritual where he knows what is the next step is very useful... if he likes it! Closing the blind, curtaim, saying good sleep to the cars on the parking lot works great. Going to brush teeth, not so much 😂😂😂
THIS! I’m all about gentle parenting. But we have monsters for children now! And not just older children; toddlers, preschooler’s , kindergartners, all the way up! Some times the words are NO, and NOW! “Honey I understand you want to explore the street, but there’s cars that will hit you, and hurt you really bad”. Sorry but that didn’t work for me. Sometimes FEAR is NECESSARY, when they just don’t get it!!!
I recently started questioning myself when I say be careful to my toddler because I know he wouldn’t know how to interpret it. I don’t want him to be too fearful of trying new things. These tips are very useful! Thank you.
I learned from my parents telling me and my siblings "don't that, you're going to get hurt", not to say that (or at least try to avoid saying that) to my now 2yo son. Idk how much credit my wife and I should take from this, but I can see that he's comfortable doing things most kids his age and older are afraid of, and yet he's also learning how to be cautious at the same time.
Excellent advice. These learning tools would help so many new parents and thier children. It would be great if they were shown at the pediatricians office while parents were waiting for their child's check up and also in hospital waiting room.
I can relate to this so much. I was ALWAYS told to be careful as a child. I was already a cautious child and I can definitely see how the effects of this on me manifested throughout my life. I've worked hard to overcome fears as an adult and work hard to not pass my fears on to my toddler.
Nobody likes being ordered out of our desires. Same for toddler. It is indeed important to let them prepare mentally that their fun activity will stop.
Child Development classes used to be in highschools. (Home economics, Practical Math, Shop, & FFA too) It has given an incredible return on investment! 🙌🙌
Hi Emma, thanks for the helpful tips :) I'm a pre-school teacher and have been working with toddlers for many years. I agree on the third thing you talked about in this video. I'd like to add, that children up to a certain age respond especially to the last thing that is said. So if you say "I don't want you to throw your food", what they hear is "throw your food." So always ending the sentence on what you want them to do does the trick too :) When it comes to Number 1: "Being careful", I disagree with you. Maybe it's a cultural thing but I found the sentence "Be careful" really helpful and working great with the kids. A sentence that really does harm and makes them scared would be something like: "Don't climb too high, otherwise you'll fall and hurt yourself" or "Don't run, you'll trip". Those sentences are like a self-fulfilling prophecy but saying your child to be careful means: "Watch out for yourself too." This way they can find out their own boundaries and see how high they would climb on their own without having you as the constant safety net. I found that children dare way more and are less careful when they trust that the adult is standing right next to them. Thinking the parent will watch over them none stop will give them a false feeling of safety and let's be honest most accidents happen because we don't get to the kids fast enough or look away just for a moment. So making sure they watch out for themselves telling them to be careful is a good thing to do! There is a quote by a German pedagogue who said: "Children develop in the expectations of their caregivers". With expecting them in a positive, caring and loving way to watch out for themselves where they can and trusting they will be safe because they take care you give them room to grow in their autonomy and self-esteem. Of course it always depends on the situation but you as the adult have the knowledge of your child's personality and the situation to judge when there is room for your kid to be without you hovering over them like a helicopter none stop. To number 2 I like to add that anticipation is absolute key! You know as an adult when it's time to go home. You can look far enough into the future. Your kid can't. So when it's time to go, give your child a heads up and fifteen to ten minutes before you have to leave go to them and tell them: "We have to go home soon. You can swing a little more and then we'll go." You let your child play and maybe get everything ready before you go to it again and say: "We have to go now. Let's count to ten and then we're done swinging." You could also establish a certain song you sing or play on your phone when it's time to go home. Giving your child the time to anticipate and not ripping it suddenly out of their play does wonders!!! This by the way is good in any situation like having to go somewhere or needing to clean up :) Thanks for the video!
I felt the same about, be careful, though I think it might depend most on parent's emotion, if parent says it all anxious, then child will pick up that fear, while you suggesting simply bringing their attention to a potential danger without changing their emotion. Anxious parents cannot really do that, whatever they say to the child, the child will sense it. They need to reassess the dangers for themselves first.
And I completely agree about heads ups, they help a lot. I would only add that the smaller the child the less time they need, as 15 minutes for a 2yo is like an hour, they completely forget. I start with just a minute or two, and with the kid going older it gradually increases up to 15-30 minutes.
My parents did the "Im leaving bye" alot to my siblings and I. I vividly remember havig years of nightmares where I would try to desparately chase after my parents shouting their names but they didnt hear me and I could never reach them and was left behind. I would wake up in sweat and heart pounding. It actually went on to my late teen years. Then it got exacerbated from just my parents abandoning me to the whole world abandoning me. Eventually as i neared 20, i had made more secure relationships with other people in my life and those dreams started to have 1 or 2 people who noticed my struggle to keep up and would try help me from being left behind. I haventhad those dreams in years now, but I still remember them very well and still struggle with insomnia.
Never realized what I was doing, thank you for pointing that out. I have an idea for a future video that I'm sure alot of people would be interested in.... how to tell a child about the father they never met because he's just an adult child himself? My grandson just turned 3 & he knows other kids have dads, & it's heartbreaking when he occasionally calls his uncle "dad" & we have to correct him. My parents divorced when I was 1, so I have an idea of the kind of trauma he'll be dealing with, as I'm 53 now & that divorce still affects me every day.
5:00 only works on toddlers that actually care about you leaving. I think i tried that twice while leahing the playground once it got no reaction and the other time i got a wave goodbye. Didn't try a third time.
With regards to "be careful", in my opinion parents are using it so often that it stops to work. And then when you really have to alert your kid to be careful they don't react anymore to this phrase. But what you said Emma perfectly describes my friend's daughter. My friend was constantly telling her "be careful" and tbh I find her daughter to be anxious and afraid of exploring. There are several reasons for that of course but I am sure the constant "be careful" had also a great impact on it.
I keep reminding my toddler to 'pay attention to what you are doing'. it seems to solve so many safety issues if they would just pay attention to what they are doing. My toddler also responds to warnings like 'you can either swing or go down the slide one more time before we go'.
I’ve noticed my toddler (1.5) does not understand the word “wait” which is so tough. Also on another note, when my toddler is having a tantrum my trick is saying something like “will you be a good girl?” And she gets very excited because she cares very much when I tell her she’s being a good girl. Every time I say “good girl” she completely lights up and is proud of herself. So during tantrums I try to bring that up and sometimes it helps. I honestly don’t know what I’m doing though 😅 I’m a single mom and she’s my only child.
I am a grandmother now, but when my son was a toddler his pediatrician showed me how to calm a toddler temper tantrum almost immediately. The doctor showed me how to lovingly hold my son while he was thrashing/screaming because his desires were not met. I approached my son from behind softly and securely pulling him into my lap while he regained his awareness. I whispered into his ear that I was helping him remain safe until he could became calm again. I used this technique anywhere it was safe to so with my children and now grandchildren. I remember sitting on the floor in a grocery store with my almost 3 year old son as people walked around us when he suddenly asked why we had to sit on the floor and I told him I was his calm until he could calm himself down when he said “in 2 days I will be 3 so I am not going to do this anymore”! Amazingly, that was the end of his temper tantrums! This has worked for me with my grandchildren who are well past their toddler years! I hope it helps you too!
@@Stephanie-rf9xsthanks for sharing. All kids have tantrums, but my daughter is especially sensitive, compared to my sons. I wasn't sure how to help her, if I try taking her she gets worse, so I just leave her on safe surfaces and stay nearby. I will try holding her from behind as you suggested.
The problem with the "be a good girl" trick, is that inevitably there comes a moment, when she says "no, don't want to be a good girl". Having a tantrum doesn't make a child bad, they just have no tools to deal with their emotions.
@@lorainisrael , agree 100% and that is why my wise pediatrician suggested that I gently hold my young son until his strong emotional outburst past. My above technique works well; however, it does come with a few unintentional brushes for caregiver! Once my younger son came up under my chin with his head so hard it split my lip and bruised my neck! I laugh now, but at the time not so much!
I get the sentiment, but a toddler has the meaning of “be careful” that you give it as their adult. I always used it as”keep doing what you’re doing, but pay attention”. I didn’t shout it in a panicked voice. Regarding leaving, I always tried to give my kids a warning we were leaving soon (and stick to it). And told them if they made it hard on me then we’d do fun things less often. This was especially true when we only had a short time for the park. If we can’t go for 15-20 minutes and leave nicely then we won’t come back next time we have only that much time.
I like this a lot. I try to encourage my 2yo to do as much as possible and I always feel a bit stupid and inadequate just randomly saying "be careful". The I'm here if you need me one is a much better alternative.
Absolutely roaring at the stock clip of the kid playing with a laptop at 8:30 Not sure that’s what was meant by “playing with power points” but I am loving it
Of course each case is different and anedotical reference is no proof of anything, but my experience with my son, I always told him to be careful and still do, I guess I always tell him what can happen, like you can fall and hurt yourself, but regardless he is extremely brave and is way ahead of any child his age that I have seen, hes not even three and he can climb higher than any other child his age, he can do front flips withou putting his head on the ground, he can play footbal with older children 4 and 5 years old as well as they do. So I don't know if I did it in a different way as what shes explaining on the video, but it worked for us.
I think be careful has its place. My son is just the right amount of cautious which is necessary living on a Ranch. I always said “be careful” followed by what could happen
Avoiding the "be careful" is great advice. I don't necessarily agree with the second point on giving 100% support for the child when stopping an activity they like, we make "soft cottonwool" humans that way. After trying supportive ways I feel like something more strict can also help them realise people won't always support them and they need to understand compromises.
There are lots of cruel people in this world, would you consider being cruel to your child as a practice, for them to learn about potential dangers? Wouldn't they be too soft without such practice? My own answer is no, I will always provide my children with emotional support (to my ability), so they can build inner sense of worth and emotional stability and then use it to withstand whatever life throws at them. Unsupportive parents do not make one stronger (at least from my experience).
Also, it sounds like for you it is either strict, or supportive, which is not the case, you can be both simultaneously. When we need to leave, I give kids a warning, as they process things slowly, and in a couple of minutes I tell them it's time. If they get upset, I support them, "yes, it's hard to leave, you WANT to play, but we HAVE TO go. And then I take them away, no further conversation. I am not angry at them even if they cry, I understand they are upset. That's it, strict but supportive. My older son now can apply the rule himself, saying: There is a want and there is a need. 😂
Don’t feel bad about using them at all. We all use them! It’s just good to be aware of alternative phases that you can use that get the message across in the moment.
It is painful to watch parents "leave" their children, but it is even worse to experience. My mom always did that, pretending to leave (I even ended up in a couple of dangerous situations because I was left alone), she would also tell me to leave the house in the middle of the night when I wasn't behaving. She would pretend dressing me up as if I was to be kicked out. When I grew older and these tricks no longer worked she started threatening me with an orphanage. I know now that she never meant to abandon me, all just manipulation, but I believed her as a child and it was awful. 😢
8:25 I babysit my niece often while my sister goes to work and when she eats her food, she eats most of it but eventually she starts throwing it and squealing and she smiles when we tell her no, so I’m gonna try this out the next times so hopefully she doesn’t keep throwing her food
By giving them specific instruction, we are not promoting them to think by themselves. Parenting is sure tough because we need to learn to balance things. TBH, I use every phases you mentioned in the clips, just base on situation.
When I do say "be careful" I always try to explain why at the same time (i.e. "be careful, it's slippery right there."). But I do need to be better at this. Some kids it affects more than others - I have one more naturally cautious child and I absolutely have to be careful not to just say that. And I hate when parents do the second one.... you're also teaching them to ignore you until you start threatening. And with food throwing... 99% of the time it's because they are done and board.... right now when my 1-year-old does this, I help him to sign "all done" and take him out of his chair.
True about boredom, when my twins start playing with food, it means they are not hungry any more, time to leave the table. I also hate "I am leaving" threat, I still remember it vividly my mom doing it all the time, it should be classified as torcher.
I have been an infant/toddler teacher for many years. I always say that “NO” doesn’t work. To keep food on the table, that’s exactly what I say - “ plate/food stays on the table”. It works 100% of the time. The trick is to convince parents that it works 100% of the time 😂😂!
@@rosermira211 at school we say “teacher touch”. It can be “mama/ dada/ grownup touch” - whatever you need it to be. Note - you won’t just say it once, it’s going to be repetitive but the child will get it.
I noticed that if I only give a couple pieces of food at a time then they get eaten. But if too much is on the tray it will get swept onto the floor with one swipe of that tiny little hand. Lots of encouragement for every time they do it right. Items thrown on the floor go into a time out for a minute otherwise we just need to get down on the floor to eat because that’s where everything goes.
Part of the problem is a lot of parents act like leaving the park is a negative thing. Or that a good thing is about to end. Even saying “ it’s time to go now” does this. Focus on the future, rather than something ending. It works wonders. In this instance don’t reinforce by acknowledging their feelings. Acknowledge their feelings of excitement of what is to come.
I tell my son to be careful sometimes. I also often say “take your time”, “think about it” etc. I don’t think he has a comfort zone. He thinks NOTHING is off limits lol
I've thought this for a long time, even as an adult when a mother says "be careful." That is not actionable because it is too abstract especially for small children who cannot distinguish fall risks or sharp objects from anything else. And for adults, putting safety as the absolute number one uncompromised priority just means don't do the activity (don't go to the gym, don't drive your car, don't meet that new person, don't ride an airplane, etc).
When our almost 2 year old attempts to climb the stairs by himself, we just tell him to 'wait for me'. Over time he seems to have come to think of it as a fun shared activity, to the point where he just patiently waits on the bottom step until either one of us gets there. And even though he's like a little monkey, he hasn't climbed the stairs without supervision once.
And yes we have a baby gate. As well as a door between the living room and the stairs. On which I turned the handles by 90° so they point upwards so he can't open the door by himself. . So saying wait for me is not our primary method of keeping him away from the stairs. It's more of a failsafe in case both the gate and door have to be left open for a bit (for instance when carrying the shopping in). It gives us time to reach him, so we are there when he does fall.
I am constantly saying be careful since he start walking, and I want my son at this moment come to reality for a moment(from his imagination or thoughts) and assess situation(simply focus his attention on potential danger. Usually I am pointing or mentioning what he need to watch out. He is crazy adventurous (even more than I wish, as result he been in urgent care or ER already 5 times). Most of the time if it minor risk and I know he unlikely do something wrong I am letting him proceed (like with stick). If he injured/cries later - I am calmly explain how few minutes ago Dad said be careful and mention risk - this is a moment we I believe my son learns the most. IMO phrase itself is harmless and useful. The emotion/intonation - that what matter. If dad firmly said be careful - it won't make kid anxious.
I don't really think it is useful. If you are saying "be careful" and are also saying the things he should be careful of, try just saying the things he should be careful of. I didn't tell my son to be careful when he was under a table, I told him not to stand up until he moved out from under the table, or I tell him to pay attention to where his hands and feet are when he's climbing, etc. We've avoided most mishaps so far, and he's very physically confident and competent. "Being careful" doesn't mean anything to kids except maybe, as the video suggests, there's danger. There's not a lot to do with that besides be worried or learn to ignore it. I think where you say be careful, you really want him to pay attention (since you mention wanting him to focus or assess his situation). "Pay attention" might be a more useful for phrase for your family
I have a 6 month old and will definitely use all these tips when he's a toddler. I agree about not telling them I'm leaving you. I witnessed a mum with a toddler say this to him when I was out a few days ago and he broke down in tears as she walked away and I felt so sad for him.
It's so good you were able to watch this now. The benefit is you can get into the habit of saying these alternatives now while your little one is young, as it can take some time to get use to it.
Yes, I have an almost 6mo and was with a friend with her toddler recently and caught myself saying "be careful!" almost against my will. It will take practice to stop!
I live in Japan, and this happens so often here! I swear I’ve seen SO many parents that excessively use two phrases on their kids: “it’s dangerous (あぶない)” and “stop it (やめて)”. Every time I hear that I genuinely wanna tell them “stop making your child into a coward!”, though obviously I always restrain myself from actually doing it. 😅
Thank you Emma for sharing your knowledge; your are helping parents and TEACHERS. I´m definitely going to use your tips in the classroom.Thank you very much 🙏
Thanks for the video! My son is so smart and stubborn, I have tried every possible strategy with him, every time it turns to be the last option, directly carrying him to save time…but ending with mommy hands now 😂sometimes I have to offer them snacks as the treats of listening to my words, even though I know it is bad to give snacks as exchange, but sometimes even snacks don’t work. 😢 Also if he does not behave well, punishment like “time-out” needs to come. But I think time-out sounds like threats, if this a good strategy at all?
For me "We don't play with food" is simple enough, he gets it. If they continue, explain consequences. "I'll take the food away". Some times I need to take the food away for a moment until he starts crying a bit, to see that I'm serious. And when I give it back he behaves.
It's so hard to break the "be careful" and "No! Stop!" habit. 😅 I mean I know it will be fine that I don't always remember but sometimes I'm just surprised how hard some of these old habits are to break...
I also thought so, but I realized throughout the Video that I usually do explain what is the reason to bei careful. And also I have to ads, niw that my second explores the world, I see that the very same words do have a very different effect on each child😅
What I did without thinking about it was say "be careful" then walk over to spot him or catch him if he falls. My son, now 3 and a half, seems to understand that "careful" means slow down first, and that I'm coming over to hold my hands up in case he falls Which...wasn't planned, but I was always the parent saying "go" when other parents were telling even bigger children, "don't climb that, it's too tall for you"
It was not until my 2 y.o. son was able to say it that I've learned his babysitter was telling him slider is dangerous, literally. Every time I offered him to slide down, he would deny the idea. One day, he said, "No, it is dangerous . - 😮 "Why? I am here to catch you!" - "Nanny said so". Yes, it is very convenient, to just forbid any activity when you're in charge of someone's kid. But it was definitely not what I asked for and what I'd support.
My 2 year old son has no fear including with cars and all. We try to teach him holding hands around cars and roads and all but he still wants to try to run towards cars and parking lots. Usually I'll say "slowly slowly very slowly creeps the garden snail" but it only works when he's running g around the pool, etc.
After 3 broken arms , a broken wrist, a broken leg, and multiple other injuries I don't think telling them to be careful is my children's problem but could totally see this advicebeing valid for timid children. Yall might not actually walk away from you kids but I think my kids are convinced I would. Act like a crazy kids and they can go to home. How bout if you throw your food then I take the food away completely. Sounds more effective. I have 8 children. 3 are grown. Even my 19 year old makes 80 grand a year. And I got a plumber and a college graduate. Never been to the police station yet. Got another graduating this year. Already has an internship and a scholarship to be an industrial electrician. I never whooped them. Barely ever even raised my voice. But they knew the deal. Firm and fair. But these are boys. I got girls who are 9 and 10. We will see
Telling your toddlers brain what not to do isn’t just toddlers is adults brains as well. I play golf and golf coaches and psychologists say don’t use a negative because your brain doesn’t understand the word don’t. If your faced with a difficult shot over water rather than say “don’t hit the ball in the water”you say “I will hit the ball on to the green” because all your brain will register is “hit the ball in the water” and more often than not you will !
Thanks for this video! With the not wanting to leave example, I am wondering if you have a suggestion for cases in which you cannot simply pick up your child and carry it all the way (after the other things have failed), eg when highly pregnant, when pushing a baby in the stroller, or hands are full with other things...
I often find myself asking my toddler: "Are you being careful?" I don't know if that's any better than "Be careful" but I feel it gives them more agency and I can usually tell he immediately slows down and focuses better. He also always gives me a smile after hearing my question. I suppose he likes being trusted? Any thoughts?
I’ve introduced the stick to my Todd as soon as he was confidently walking around :) Countless “WTF!😮?” on my guests faces, seeing the 18mo fishing toys under the fridge with a meter long stick 😂 Hilarious!
My preschooler will reply "I AM!" to "be careful." That's all i need. I say, "good. I believe in you." And her response to, "maybe I'll go by myself" is usually a calm, sincere, doubtful, "would you really?" Or "you wouldn't, really?" And i say, "nope. But we need to move on now"
Hello, thank you Emma for your content, it's really helpful. I have a question related to the part of NOs and the overreacting that the toddler loves and repeats the action to see your reaction and receive your attention again, what do we have to say to a 1,5 years old toddler if we try to put limits about touching something dangerous like the radiator? thank you again
I found myself jokingly telling my husband he doesn’t have to cry and it’s all good the other day. He wasn’t crying, he was yawning which is why he had tears in his eyes from yawning. And I was like oh boy, that came way too naturally, I should absolutely not say that to my kids later 🙈
Which phrase do you find yourself saying to your little one? To get the free guide - 8 Parenting Phrases to Rethink & What to Say Instead click here: brightestbeginning.com/bb_optin/8-common-parenting-phrases-to-rethink/?lead_source=youtube_185
You could fall down and bang your head. All the time.
Can you please make a video on how to correct the consequences of Be careful being used often until the child is already 4 years old? You are perfectly right, how do we make up for that in the future? Thank you so much, you are an angel and many children will grow better because of you!
As long as it’s not dangerous, I’ve found completely ignoring negative behaviours and paying attention to positive ones to be a game changer 😊
The phrase “I’m right here if you need me” while I was going made me feel invincible. It’s definitely a huge confidence booster for young children especially if they look up to you.
I actually started doing some of the things you said just by watching my kid and seeing what works 😂 "food on the plate or in the mouth" for example, works pretty well! Also, if he starts playing around with the food and ignoring me, I ask if he is done and I can take his plate out since he is not eating. Usually works too. For leaving places, what works 90% of the time is not saying "let's go home", but enticing each step (like "let's go see if there are butterflies outside" to leave the building, and "let's get Teddy bear in the car" to enter the car. My kid is very adventurous and looking out for the next thing or activity to do, so this strategy usually works.
I do say "be careful" often, but mostly with an attached explanation. I feel like he understands if there is an explanation to why the need to be careful. Like going down the stairs would be "be careful, hold here and go slow so you won't fall"
Thanks so much for sharing!
Thank you!! I needed the example of what to do when your toddler just ignores you. The "all done?" strategy is something I'll definitely try.
Something I'm trying to avoid though is always saving the plate for later. Ideally, eating time is the time to eat, not saving a plate and eating whenever. Maybe it's a control thing? How do you deal with that?
@@JoshHurtProbably one of those things that gets better with time and repetition, better off they’re fed for now. Personally I try to have designated meal times, but give lots of snacks and I save some the leftovers for snack time if it’s possible. You can also give the leftovers for next meal.
Parenting is training of the parent as much as the child if not more so.😊
So true!! 😅
Amen!
This is so true, even after 2 babies i still need training... they are all so different
Absolutely!
When I told my toddler not to paint on the couch, I reminded myself to tell her what to do instead of what not to do. So I added immediatly: "You can paint on the table!"
She did exactly what I said and I realized that I should have added "on the paper". 😅
But I was so happy about that reaction, that she is now allowed to paint her table, too. 😂
I’ve been saying “be careful” so much that I joked it would be his first words. Taking these tips to heart ❤
It’s such a common thing to say when you have an adventurous toddler. 😂
Haha yes! I've been trying not to say it but it's the first thing that comes out of my mouth 😅
I always was very careful NOT to say it
Me too......😂😂😂😂😂 it reminded me of a Chandler from the tv series "Friends" when he tells Monica something like: stop telling me to be careful, I will be keeping being careful until you say otherwise 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Im guilty of saying it to the point he says it even before jumping 🙈 he is 2 and half!
My mum always said “be careful” and I know it made me feel anxious. I’ve given my son a lot of physical freedom, from not putting socks on him while indoors, he didn’t were any shoes until he could actually walk, and let him climb on furniture from a very young age while mats were on the floor below. Now he is 2 and a half, and it’s amazing how physically agile he is, he’s so aware of his surroundings, I almost never have to worry about him falling, because he knows his limits and what is/ isn’t safe to do. I’m so proud of him 🥰
Same with my kid. He is so confident and safe in climbing and calculating the risks. He is 2 and way ahead compared to same aged kids
My 2 year old daughter will ask for help doing some potentially dangerous physical task. I'll ask if she wants support or supervision, and most of the time she just wants me to stand within arm's reach while she tries new activities.
Hope you’re proud of yourself too!
Yes! My daughter is 13 months and started walking. People have been asking why I don’t put shoes or socks on her (especially the in-laws that bought her a crap ton of shoes) and I’ve tried explaining multiple times but they don’t care they just want to see her wear them.
I also let her explore and climb, I of coarse make sure the space is safe for exploration and I’m always near by. The same people always ask why I let her go through my cupboards or pull books off the shelves and why I don’t just put the TV on for her to be distracted…
Same with my (almost) 3 year old. When she started crawling at 8 months, she would be put on our big bed and she would go full speed ahead with no intention of stopping at the edges. Someone would always have to catch her before she went over and bring her back to a safer spot. Until one day I let her "fall". Not all the way to the ground of course, but with my hands on her, I let her go over and experience what the edge is, before I stopped her fall. From that point on, she was always so careful, you could almost trust her on her own. Only risk of falling off the bed would be when she couldn't see the edge, like when she would sit back not realizing the edge was too close behind her. To me this is the best example to prove the importance of letting them experiment.
I've been practicing my poker face when my toddler throws food. It takes an unbelievable amount of self-control to not react at all and consciously react well to other actions that are favoured. I have been trying to avoid "be careful" too. I try to explain specific dangers to her even if it may not be understood. There's danger everywhere and I have embraced it. You're absolutely right. If we want to keep our kids safe, the best thing we can do is teach them how to navigate a dangerous world themselves. This means we need to do a good job of explaining dangers to them and giving them (some) autonomy to make choices and experience consequences. Then we can be there for them, explain what happened, what they could do in the future and make them feel supported. I think that is a great way to gain their trust. Let them free and provide support as they figure stuff out. We should be mentors not police. Lol
Exactly!
For leaving the park or any other place, I've also learned from a Montessori parent that it's great to give them a heads up, anytime you want to transition from one activity to another. So five minutes before it's time you say "it looks like you're having so much fun! In five min it's time to leave, so when mama says" five min are up" we have to leave, okay?" (and ontop of the heads up you can use the two choice method as the last activity like mentioned in the video) so they don't feel like you're just ripping them away from an activity then and there. It's the cold turkey ripping them away from the current activity that upsets them most of the time.
When it's time to leave you say "oh that looked like so much fun! And five minutes are up, time to leave" and if they still have a hard time leaving you can add in "would you like to carry my/your (item) to the car/pram?" to incentivise leaving. 🌻
Thank you for yet another great video, Emma, you teach us so many things just to be better parents, you're a gem and one of my fav TH-camrs! ❤️
❤️
This is so helpful!! I'm a first time Mamma to a 15 month old & I am a nervous wreck but don't want to hinder her exploration or growth. This has been very helpful, I'm even sharing it with her Dad, Lord knows we need pointers like these
“Watch your step”: specific instruction to encourage proprioception (awareness of where her body is relative to her environment) and coordination
Yes I say “watch your feet.”
I say “pay attention to your feet”
My toddler tends to run and fall a lot. Today I said "watch your feet".
He continued running at full speed watching his feet. He did not fall.. He ran straight into a wall 😂
Conclusion: raising kids "the right way" is impossible
Thank you, I needed that reminder (from a parent that says "be careful!" Way too much haha)
I knew all these but still did all of them. It’s so hard to shake what you faces growing up. Regulating myself is the hardest thing to do
It is so hard! Don't feel bad if you slip up now and then - the occasional one isn't going to be detrimental. We all do it :)
Feeling the same!
I’ve done those at the playground but oddly enough if I got my son to verbally say “bye bye playground!” He was suddenly so much better with parting and didn’t have the lingering whining. It translated into parting other things too, like “bye bye cars” etc if we needed to change tasks or put away toys.
That’s what I do, I tell my daughter to say goodby and that’s how she parts with it.
Given them an action is very engaging for them. Also for getting to sleep, a ritual where he knows what is the next step is very useful... if he likes it!
Closing the blind, curtaim, saying good sleep to the cars on the parking lot works great.
Going to brush teeth, not so much 😂😂😂
genial
Same here! Me and my daughter say bye bye playground with a smile on her face😊
Also, “all done” when he wants more stacks :)
Me: provides toddler clear instruction
Toddler: “I hear and understand your clear instruction, but I choose to ignore it” 😂
Great tips, thank you ❤
THIS! I’m all about gentle parenting. But we have monsters for children now! And not just older children; toddlers, preschooler’s , kindergartners, all the way up! Some times the words are NO, and NOW! “Honey I understand you want to explore the street, but there’s cars that will hit you, and hurt you really bad”. Sorry but that didn’t work for me. Sometimes FEAR is NECESSARY, when they just don’t get it!!!
I have a 4 week old and will be printing this guide out and handing it to my husband and the grand parents and any caregivers! Thank you for it!
Great idea!
I recently started questioning myself when I say be careful to my toddler because I know he wouldn’t know how to interpret it. I don’t want him to be too fearful of trying new things. These tips are very useful! Thank you.
So glad you found the video helpful!
I learned from my parents telling me and my siblings "don't that, you're going to get hurt", not to say that (or at least try to avoid saying that) to my now 2yo son. Idk how much credit my wife and I should take from this, but I can see that he's comfortable doing things most kids his age and older are afraid of, and yet he's also learning how to be cautious at the same time.
Instead of “Be careful!”, I like “focus!” or “hands and feet” when climbing or exploring tricky terrain.
Perfect
Excellent advice. These learning tools would help so many new parents and thier children. It would be great if they were shown at the pediatricians office while parents were waiting for their child's check up and also in hospital waiting room.
Thanks!
I can relate to this so much. I was ALWAYS told to be careful as a child. I was already a cautious child and I can definitely see how the effects of this on me manifested throughout my life. I've worked hard to overcome fears as an adult and work hard to not pass my fears on to my toddler.
6:57 it also helps that you tell them a little in advance instead of surprising them that we’re leaving now all of a sudden.
Nobody likes being ordered out of our desires. Same for toddler. It is indeed important to let them prepare mentally that their fun activity will stop.
I do try this - explaining what happens
Absolutely agree. Empower our kids to overcome challenging situations
Children need clear instructions and explanations. Great video
Yes they do😄
Maybe we need to start teaching this stuff in school? I’ve looked into parent classes (too expensive) and I feel there should be something to help.
Check with your city. There are a lot of programs that will offer classes.
Child Development classes used to be in highschools. (Home economics, Practical Math, Shop, & FFA too) It has given an incredible return on investment! 🙌🙌
Nah.. they’re too busy teaching boys to be girls and girl’s to be boys.
Thank you for this video. It's very helpful. I'm babysitting a 2-year-old toddler and started to give positive and direct instruction.
I still get nervous climbing ladders because I was told as a child to be careful because I would most certainly fall. I don't want to pass that on!
It's great that you're already aware of this.
Hi Emma, thanks for the helpful tips :)
I'm a pre-school teacher and have been working with toddlers for many years. I agree on the third thing you talked about in this video. I'd like to add, that children up to a certain age respond especially to the last thing that is said. So if you say "I don't want you to throw your food", what they hear is "throw your food." So always ending the sentence on what you want them to do does the trick too :)
When it comes to Number 1: "Being careful", I disagree with you. Maybe it's a cultural thing but I found the sentence "Be careful" really helpful and working great with the kids. A sentence that really does harm and makes them scared would be something like: "Don't climb too high, otherwise you'll fall and hurt yourself" or "Don't run, you'll trip". Those sentences are like a self-fulfilling prophecy but saying your child to be careful means: "Watch out for yourself too." This way they can find out their own boundaries and see how high they would climb on their own without having you as the constant safety net. I found that children dare way more and are less careful when they trust that the adult is standing right next to them. Thinking the parent will watch over them none stop will give them a false feeling of safety and let's be honest most accidents happen because we don't get to the kids fast enough or look away just for a moment. So making sure they watch out for themselves telling them to be careful is a good thing to do! There is a quote by a German pedagogue who said: "Children develop in the expectations of their caregivers". With expecting them in a positive, caring and loving way to watch out for themselves where they can and trusting they will be safe because they take care you give them room to grow in their autonomy and self-esteem. Of course it always depends on the situation but you as the adult have the knowledge of your child's personality and the situation to judge when there is room for your kid to be without you hovering over them like a helicopter none stop.
To number 2 I like to add that anticipation is absolute key! You know as an adult when it's time to go home. You can look far enough into the future. Your kid can't. So when it's time to go, give your child a heads up and fifteen to ten minutes before you have to leave go to them and tell them: "We have to go home soon. You can swing a little more and then we'll go." You let your child play and maybe get everything ready before you go to it again and say: "We have to go now. Let's count to ten and then we're done swinging." You could also establish a certain song you sing or play on your phone when it's time to go home. Giving your child the time to anticipate and not ripping it suddenly out of their play does wonders!!! This by the way is good in any situation like having to go somewhere or needing to clean up :)
Thanks for the video!
I felt the same about, be careful, though I think it might depend most on parent's emotion, if parent says it all anxious, then child will pick up that fear, while you suggesting simply bringing their attention to a potential danger without changing their emotion. Anxious parents cannot really do that, whatever they say to the child, the child will sense it. They need to reassess the dangers for themselves first.
And I completely agree about heads ups, they help a lot. I would only add that the smaller the child the less time they need, as 15 minutes for a 2yo is like an hour, they completely forget. I start with just a minute or two, and with the kid going older it gradually increases up to 15-30 minutes.
@@lorainisrael Yes, you are right, the time you give the child to anticipate totally depends on the age. Thanks for adding that! :)
I give the kiddos a count down, 10 min, 5 min, 4 min, 3 more min, two min, 1 more min. No surprises and no meltdowns.
"Not throwing food around is really hard, let me help to stop f*ing doing it"
😂😂😂😂
The struggle is real 😂
🤣
unverbindliche Worte
Aaahahaha ❤😂❤ Real life!!
My parents did the "Im leaving bye" alot to my siblings and I. I vividly remember havig years of nightmares where I would try to desparately chase after my parents shouting their names but they didnt hear me and I could never reach them and was left behind. I would wake up in sweat and heart pounding. It actually went on to my late teen years. Then it got exacerbated from just my parents abandoning me to the whole world abandoning me. Eventually as
i neared 20, i had made more secure relationships with other people in my life and those dreams started to have 1 or 2 people who noticed my struggle to keep up and would try help me from being left behind. I haventhad those dreams in years now, but I still remember them very well and still struggle with insomnia.
Thanks!
Thank you so much!
Never realized what I was doing, thank you for pointing that out.
I have an idea for a future video that I'm sure alot of people would be interested in.... how to tell a child about the father they never met because he's just an adult child himself?
My grandson just turned 3 & he knows other kids have dads, & it's heartbreaking when he occasionally calls his uncle "dad" & we have to correct him.
My parents divorced when I was 1, so I have an idea of the kind of trauma he'll be dealing with, as I'm 53 now & that divorce still affects me every day.
Glad you found it helpful and thanks for the video suggestion.
5:00 only works on toddlers that actually care about you leaving. I think i tried that twice while leahing the playground once it got no reaction and the other time i got a wave goodbye. Didn't try a third time.
Thanks, I needed this. "Be careful" is my most common phrase.
und dabei sagt dieser Satz für ein Kind nichts aus🎉
With regards to "be careful", in my opinion parents are using it so often that it stops to work. And then when you really have to alert your kid to be careful they don't react anymore to this phrase.
But what you said Emma perfectly describes my friend's daughter. My friend was constantly telling her "be careful" and tbh I find her daughter to be anxious and afraid of exploring. There are several reasons for that of course but I am sure the constant "be careful" had also a great impact on it.
I keep reminding my toddler to 'pay attention to what you are doing'. it seems to solve so many safety issues if they would just pay attention to what they are doing. My toddler also responds to warnings like 'you can either swing or go down the slide one more time before we go'.
I’ve noticed my toddler (1.5) does not understand the word “wait” which is so tough. Also on another note, when my toddler is having a tantrum my trick is saying something like “will you be a good girl?” And she gets very excited because she cares very much when I tell her she’s being a good girl. Every time I say “good girl” she completely lights up and is proud of herself. So during tantrums I try to bring that up and sometimes it helps. I honestly don’t know what I’m doing though 😅 I’m a single mom and she’s my only child.
I am a grandmother now, but when my son was a toddler his pediatrician showed me how to calm a toddler temper tantrum almost immediately. The doctor showed me how to lovingly hold my son while he was thrashing/screaming because his desires were not met. I approached my son from behind softly and securely pulling him into my lap while he regained his awareness. I whispered into his ear that I was helping him remain safe until he could became calm again. I used this technique anywhere it was safe to so with my children and now grandchildren. I remember sitting on the floor in a grocery store with my almost 3 year old son as people walked around us when he suddenly asked why we had to sit on the floor and I told him I was his calm until he could calm himself down when he said “in 2 days I will be 3 so I am not going to do this anymore”! Amazingly, that was the end of his temper tantrums! This has worked for me with my grandchildren who are well past their toddler years! I hope it helps you too!
@@Stephanie-rf9xsthanks for sharing. All kids have tantrums, but my daughter is especially sensitive, compared to my sons. I wasn't sure how to help her, if I try taking her she gets worse, so I just leave her on safe surfaces and stay nearby. I will try holding her from behind as you suggested.
The problem with the "be a good girl" trick, is that inevitably there comes a moment, when she says "no, don't want to be a good girl". Having a tantrum doesn't make a child bad, they just have no tools to deal with their emotions.
@@lorainisrael , agree 100% and that is why my wise pediatrician suggested that I gently hold my young son until his strong emotional outburst past. My above technique works well; however, it does come with a few unintentional brushes for caregiver! Once my younger son came up under my chin with his head so hard it split my lip and bruised my neck! I laugh now, but at the time not so much!
You give such good advice! I dont have kids, but I watch so when I'm with my friends and their kids, i know the right way to talk to them
Thanks
Thank you so much!!
@@EmmaHubbard u are great!
I get the sentiment, but a toddler has the meaning of “be careful” that you give it as their adult. I always used it as”keep doing what you’re doing, but pay attention”. I didn’t shout it in a panicked voice.
Regarding leaving, I always tried to give my kids a warning we were leaving soon (and stick to it). And told them if they made it hard on me then we’d do fun things less often. This was especially true when we only had a short time for the park. If we can’t go for 15-20 minutes and leave nicely then we won’t come back next time we have only that much time.
I was just saying be careful today, so the timing of this is perfect 👍
Glad it was helpful!
I like this a lot. I try to encourage my 2yo to do as much as possible and I always feel a bit stupid and inadequate just randomly saying "be careful". The I'm here if you need me one is a much better alternative.
Glad you liked the alternative option
I'll say "be careful, watch your hands" or "be careful, watch your head". I'll definitely try your tips.
Absolutely roaring at the stock clip of the kid playing with a laptop at 8:30
Not sure that’s what was meant by “playing with power points” but I am loving it
👀😂
Of course each case is different and anedotical reference is no proof of anything, but my experience with my son, I always told him to be careful and still do, I guess I always tell him what can happen, like you can fall and hurt yourself, but regardless he is extremely brave and is way ahead of any child his age that I have seen, hes not even three and he can climb higher than any other child his age, he can do front flips withou putting his head on the ground, he can play footbal with older children 4 and 5 years old as well as they do. So I don't know if I did it in a different way as what shes explaining on the video, but it worked for us.
I think be careful has its place. My son is just the right amount of cautious which is necessary living on a Ranch. I always said “be careful” followed by what could happen
Avoiding the "be careful" is great advice.
I don't necessarily agree with the second point on giving 100% support for the child when stopping an activity they like, we make "soft cottonwool" humans that way.
After trying supportive ways I feel like something more strict can also help them realise people won't always support them and they need to understand compromises.
There are lots of cruel people in this world, would you consider being cruel to your child as a practice, for them to learn about potential dangers? Wouldn't they be too soft without such practice? My own answer is no, I will always provide my children with emotional support (to my ability), so they can build inner sense of worth and emotional stability and then use it to withstand whatever life throws at them. Unsupportive parents do not make one stronger (at least from my experience).
Also, it sounds like for you it is either strict, or supportive, which is not the case, you can be both simultaneously. When we need to leave, I give kids a warning, as they process things slowly, and in a couple of minutes I tell them it's time. If they get upset, I support them, "yes, it's hard to leave, you WANT to play, but we HAVE TO go. And then I take them away, no further conversation. I am not angry at them even if they cry, I understand they are upset. That's it, strict but supportive. My older son now can apply the rule himself, saying: There is a want and there is a need. 😂
oh no! i’ve used the “i’m leaving now” with my kiddos at work. the alternatives were helpful!
Don’t feel bad about using them at all. We all use them!
It’s just good to be aware of alternative phases that you can use that get the message across in the moment.
It is painful to watch parents "leave" their children, but it is even worse to experience. My mom always did that, pretending to leave (I even ended up in a couple of dangerous situations because I was left alone), she would also tell me to leave the house in the middle of the night when I wasn't behaving. She would pretend dressing me up as if I was to be kicked out. When I grew older and these tricks no longer worked she started threatening me with an orphanage. I know now that she never meant to abandon me, all just manipulation, but I believed her as a child and it was awful. 😢
8:25 I babysit my niece often while my sister goes to work and when she eats her food, she eats most of it but eventually she starts throwing it and squealing and she smiles when we tell her no, so I’m gonna try this out the next times so hopefully she doesn’t keep throwing her food
By giving them specific instruction, we are not promoting them to think by themselves. Parenting is sure tough because we need to learn to balance things. TBH, I use every phases you mentioned in the clips, just base on situation.
Kids need specific instructions.
When I do say "be careful" I always try to explain why at the same time (i.e. "be careful, it's slippery right there."). But I do need to be better at this. Some kids it affects more than others - I have one more naturally cautious child and I absolutely have to be careful not to just say that. And I hate when parents do the second one.... you're also teaching them to ignore you until you start threatening. And with food throwing... 99% of the time it's because they are done and board.... right now when my 1-year-old does this, I help him to sign "all done" and take him out of his chair.
True about boredom, when my twins start playing with food, it means they are not hungry any more, time to leave the table.
I also hate "I am leaving" threat, I still remember it vividly my mom doing it all the time, it should be classified as torcher.
Ahaha, "I'm leaving now" 😅 to this day i can't put away the shopping cart because i worry my partner will drive off without me. Thanks mom and dad!
I have been an infant/toddler teacher for many years. I always say that “NO” doesn’t work. To keep food on the table, that’s exactly what I say - “ plate/food stays on the table”. It works 100% of the time. The trick is to convince parents that it works 100% of the time 😂😂!
Thanks for sharing!!
What do you suggest when they try to put their fingers in wall outlets?
@@rosermira211 at school we say “teacher touch”. It can be “mama/ dada/ grownup touch” - whatever you need it to be. Note - you won’t just say it once, it’s going to be repetitive but the child will get it.
@rosermira211 outlet covers, etc- I even carried some in the diaper bag when my kid was little for grandmas house.
@@rosermira211buy the safety kid plugs for wall outlets.
Non-bluff version of "bye I'm leaving": "Daddy will be right back. Just going to buy some milk..." 😅
Oh God the throwing of food, it drives me NUTS and she knows it. It's soooooo hard to not react, but this video clarified things.
It is so hard to not react. But it should improve or reduce if you can remember to tell her what to do.
I noticed that if I only give a couple pieces of food at a time then they get eaten. But if too much is on the tray it will get swept onto the floor with one swipe of that tiny little hand. Lots of encouragement for every time they do it right. Items thrown on the floor go into a time out for a minute otherwise we just need to get down on the floor to eat because that’s where everything goes.
Thank you Emma. This is exactly what I needed
You're so welcome!
Part of the problem is a lot of parents act like leaving the park is a negative thing. Or that a good thing is about to end. Even saying “ it’s time to go now” does this. Focus on the future, rather than something ending. It works wonders. In this instance don’t reinforce by acknowledging their feelings. Acknowledge their feelings of excitement of what is to come.
I tell my son to be careful sometimes. I also often say “take your time”, “think about it” etc. I don’t think he has a comfort zone. He thinks NOTHING is off limits lol
I've thought this for a long time, even as an adult when a mother says "be careful." That is not actionable because it is too abstract especially for small children who cannot distinguish fall risks or sharp objects from anything else. And for adults, putting safety as the absolute number one uncompromised priority just means don't do the activity (don't go to the gym, don't drive your car, don't meet that new person, don't ride an airplane, etc).
When our almost 2 year old attempts to climb the stairs by himself, we just tell him to 'wait for me'.
Over time he seems to have come to think of it as a fun shared activity, to the point where he just patiently waits on the bottom step until either one of us gets there.
And even though he's like a little monkey, he hasn't climbed the stairs without supervision once.
And yes we have a baby gate. As well as a door between the living room and the stairs. On which I turned the handles by 90° so they point upwards so he can't open the door by himself. .
So saying wait for me is not our primary method of keeping him away from the stairs.
It's more of a failsafe in case both the gate and door have to be left open for a bit (for instance when carrying the shopping in). It gives us time to reach him, so we are there when he does fall.
I am constantly saying be careful since he start walking, and I want my son at this moment come to reality for a moment(from his imagination or thoughts) and assess situation(simply focus his attention on potential danger. Usually I am pointing or mentioning what he need to watch out.
He is crazy adventurous (even more than I wish, as result he been in urgent care or ER already 5 times). Most of the time if it minor risk and I know he unlikely do something wrong I am letting him proceed (like with stick).
If he injured/cries later - I am calmly explain how few minutes ago Dad said be careful and mention risk - this is a moment we I believe my son learns the most.
IMO phrase itself is harmless and useful. The emotion/intonation - that what matter. If dad firmly said be careful - it won't make kid anxious.
I don't really think it is useful. If you are saying "be careful" and are also saying the things he should be careful of, try just saying the things he should be careful of. I didn't tell my son to be careful when he was under a table, I told him not to stand up until he moved out from under the table, or I tell him to pay attention to where his hands and feet are when he's climbing, etc. We've avoided most mishaps so far, and he's very physically confident and competent.
"Being careful" doesn't mean anything to kids except maybe, as the video suggests, there's danger. There's not a lot to do with that besides be worried or learn to ignore it. I think where you say be careful, you really want him to pay attention (since you mention wanting him to focus or assess his situation). "Pay attention" might be a more useful for phrase for your family
I have a 6 month old and will definitely use all these tips when he's a toddler. I agree about not telling them I'm leaving you. I witnessed a mum with a toddler say this to him when I was out a few days ago and he broke down in tears as she walked away and I felt so sad for him.
It's so good you were able to watch this now. The benefit is you can get into the habit of saying these alternatives now while your little one is young, as it can take some time to get use to it.
Yes, I have an almost 6mo and was with a friend with her toddler recently and caught myself saying "be careful!" almost against my will. It will take practice to stop!
very good! that makes totally sense. Give specific instructions!
Thank you so much Emma for helping me more than anyone else during my parenting journey
You are so welcome! Thank you for taking the time to leave such a lovely comment. It’s wonderful to hear that my videos have been so helpful 🙂
I live in Japan, and this happens so often here! I swear I’ve seen SO many parents that excessively use two phrases on their kids: “it’s dangerous (あぶない)” and “stop it (やめて)”. Every time I hear that I genuinely wanna tell them “stop making your child into a coward!”, though obviously I always restrain myself from actually doing it. 😅
Thank you Emma for sharing your knowledge; your are helping parents and TEACHERS.
I´m definitely going to use your tips in the classroom.Thank you very much 🙏
You're so welcome!
Nice suggestion thank you.
Mine seems to interpret "carefully" as "keep doing what you're doing, just make sure your feet are sturdy, and prepare your hands to catch yourself"
Thanks for the video! My son is so smart and stubborn, I have tried every possible strategy with him, every time it turns to be the last option, directly carrying him to save time…but ending with mommy hands now 😂sometimes I have to offer them snacks as the treats of listening to my words, even though I know it is bad to give snacks as exchange, but sometimes even snacks don’t work. 😢 Also if he does not behave well, punishment like “time-out” needs to come. But I think time-out sounds like threats, if this a good strategy at all?
For me "We don't play with food" is simple enough, he gets it. If they continue, explain consequences. "I'll take the food away".
Some times I need to take the food away for a moment until he starts crying a bit, to see that I'm serious. And when I give it back he behaves.
Continuum Concept stuff here! Love it.
It's so hard to break the "be careful" and "No! Stop!" habit. 😅 I mean I know it will be fine that I don't always remember but sometimes I'm just surprised how hard some of these old habits are to break...
It is so hard. I still catch myself saying it to my toddler.
I also thought so, but I realized throughout the Video that I usually do explain what is the reason to bei careful. And also I have to ads, niw that my second explores the world, I see that the very same words do have a very different effect on each child😅
I do the I’m leaving trick with my dog and it works
What I did without thinking about it was say "be careful" then walk over to spot him or catch him if he falls.
My son, now 3 and a half, seems to understand that "careful" means slow down first, and that I'm coming over to hold my hands up in case he falls
Which...wasn't planned, but I was always the parent saying "go" when other parents were telling even bigger children, "don't climb that, it's too tall for you"
It was not until my 2 y.o. son was able to say it that I've learned his babysitter was telling him slider is dangerous, literally. Every time I offered him to slide down, he would deny the idea. One day, he said, "No, it is dangerous . - 😮 "Why? I am here to catch you!" - "Nanny said so".
Yes, it is very convenient, to just forbid any activity when you're in charge of someone's kid. But it was definitely not what I asked for and what I'd support.
My 2 year old son has no fear including with cars and all. We try to teach him holding hands around cars and roads and all but he still wants to try to run towards cars and parking lots.
Usually I'll say "slowly slowly very slowly creeps the garden snail" but it only works when he's running g around the pool, etc.
'be careful' is so natural but also the mark of your own fears and not that of your child and it's actually pretty selfish.
Thank you so much for this video! Came on time❤
You are so welcome!
Great video! Do you have one on seperation anxiety for a working parent? Or coparenting?
3/3 of things I do. Fantastic.
My 11 month old is in the throwing food stage and yes he *laughs* at my reactions. Thanks for the tip
Wonderful video. Thank you
Glad you liked it!
After 3 broken arms , a broken wrist, a broken leg, and multiple other injuries I don't think telling them to be careful is my children's problem but could totally see this advicebeing valid for timid children. Yall might not actually walk away from you kids but I think my kids are convinced I would. Act like a crazy kids and they can go to home. How bout if you throw your food then I take the food away completely. Sounds more effective. I have 8 children. 3 are grown. Even my 19 year old makes 80 grand a year. And I got a plumber and a college graduate. Never been to the police station yet. Got another graduating this year. Already has an internship and a scholarship to be an industrial electrician. I never whooped them. Barely ever even raised my voice. But they knew the deal. Firm and fair. But these are boys. I got girls who are 9 and 10. We will see
One phase I use a lot when my kids are climbing is "use your hands". That way they have more points of contact and they're less likely to fall.
great info!
Telling your toddlers brain what not to do isn’t just toddlers is adults brains as well. I play golf and golf coaches and psychologists say don’t use a negative because your brain doesn’t understand the word don’t. If your faced with a difficult shot over water rather than say “don’t hit the ball in the water”you say “I will hit the ball on to the green” because all your brain will register is “hit the ball in the water” and more often than not you will !
Any advice for a 4-year old that's heard almost exclusively "Be careful" and is now struggling with the effects you mentioned?
You’re right! I’ve been trying this and it works :)
Amazing info! Can you link the video about praising your child? It’s not in the video.
Hi! Glad you liked the video! Here is the link to the praise video:th-cam.com/video/F-LTejRqGe8/w-d-xo.html
That was excellent. Will be trying that on my husband!
😂
This is brilliant! Thanks Emma!
You're so welcome!
Thanks for this video!
With the not wanting to leave example, I am wondering if you have a suggestion for cases in which you cannot simply pick up your child and carry it all the way (after the other things have failed), eg when highly pregnant, when pushing a baby in the stroller, or hands are full with other things...
I often find myself asking my toddler: "Are you being careful?" I don't know if that's any better than "Be careful" but I feel it gives them more agency and I can usually tell he immediately slows down and focuses better. He also always gives me a smile after hearing my question. I suppose he likes being trusted? Any thoughts?
This generally makes sense. I'm curious if it's backed data or if it's more of an anecdotal set of ideas.
I’ve introduced the stick to my Todd as soon as he was confidently walking around :)
Countless “WTF!😮?” on my guests faces, seeing the 18mo fishing toys under the fridge with a meter long stick 😂 Hilarious!
My preschooler will reply "I AM!" to "be careful." That's all i need. I say, "good. I believe in you."
And her response to, "maybe I'll go by myself" is usually a calm, sincere, doubtful, "would you really?" Or "you wouldn't, really?" And i say, "nope. But we need to move on now"
Hello, thank you Emma for your content, it's really helpful. I have a question related to the part of NOs and the overreacting that the toddler loves and repeats the action to see your reaction and receive your attention again, what do we have to say to a 1,5 years old toddler if we try to put limits about touching something dangerous like the radiator? thank you again
About phrases that help making the toddler leave, do you think that giving them a timeframe “e.x take a few swings and we leave afterwards”, is good?
I found myself jokingly telling my husband he doesn’t have to cry and it’s all good the other day. He wasn’t crying, he was yawning which is why he had tears in his eyes from yawning. And I was like oh boy, that came way too naturally, I should absolutely not say that to my kids later 🙈