ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 12 พ.ค. 2013
- Clinical psychologist Meg Jay has a bold message for twentysomethings: Contrary to popular belief, your 20s are not a throwaway decade. In this provocative talk, Jay says that just because marriage, work and kids are happening later in life, doesn't mean you can't start planning now. She gives 3 pieces of advice for how twentysomethings can re-claim adulthood in the defining decade of their lives.
TEDTalks is a daily video podcast of the best talks and performances from the TED Conference, where the world's leading thinkers and doers give the talk of their lives in 18 minutes (or less). Look for talks on Technology, Entertainment and Design -- plus science, business, global issues, the arts and much more.
Find closed captions and translated subtitles in many languages at www.ted.com/translate
Follow TED news on Twitter: / tednews
Like TED on Facebook: / ted
Subscribe to our channel: / tedtalksdirector
Imo her message isn't to get married, have a career and kids by your 30s... It's simply to stop wasting time on things and people that bring you no value just because you are young.
This talk is : takes your 20's seriously because there is consequences if you don't grow up.
Yep, life isn't a big party were you can try everything your entire life.
Good lord thank you, I thought I was the only one.
@@bertimus7031 Probably a black woman.
@@Koozomec lol actually it is a big party. as long as you have things in order for yourself, there are literally no other expectations for yourself besides the ones you make. no one is required to get married, have kids, or sign up for a bunch of useless responsibilities to be an "adult". then we ask ourselves why everyone is so miserable and hates their lives even though they are doing all the right things they're "supposed" to do.
@@Sm-ig4rn That's maybe a consequence of making life an addition of events rather making your own purpouses and try to fullfil them.
Happiness is an emotional state, not a goal.
I wish you the best.
I watched this when I was 23, now I am 29, looking at this again and shocked by how much this helped me to be more purposeful with my life. Thank you.
same
Did u get married before 30??
@@harshalgawai746 haha why? Is that important?
She is a 'sheng nu'
@Max you are right. We should also not consider any man under 6'3" that doesn't make a six figure income and have a six pack. Anything less than this is a boy ,not man . ( and a worthles loser)
The best advice I’ve heard is “Compare yourself to who you were yesterday” and “Act as if you are watching yourself” OH AND ALSO “Treat yourself like someone your responsible for taking care of”
Sounds like our internet dad's advise Jordan Peterson👍
That's JBP alright
You won't even credit Dr Peterson? Low dude.
The second one is the best.
Jordan Peterson - 12 rules for life, rule 4. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not who someone else is today
If people didn't feel like 30 was some kind of deadline, they wouldn't "waste" time in their 20s with a bad case of analysis paralysis, under pressure to "savor your youth" & avoid responsibility as if your life is over at 30. It is feeling like you can never have fun again after that AND like every decision you make determines the rest of your life at the same time. Whether you spent your time frivolously, or working way too hard, you still feel like you did it wrong but that's not true. As long as you're alive you're not finished. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
Exactly. Just go ahead like this. Less competition.
I became free when i realised the one most important thing: i don‘t need to have children. And i actually dont WANT children😂😂 now my life will start at 30 with lots of money instead of ending with 30 haha
This is great advice for the neurotic. I think it’s probably bad advice for irresponsible people, though, who don’t really know how to budget or support themselves
You are not living in reality. Women in particular have to figure most of it out, or it's a lost cause. That's something that has been the case and will indefinitely be the case, because biology.
@@karolina7067 you must be early 20s. People always think they might not want children in their early 20s, because the pressure is not on. Every woman I know that has passed 30 and does not have kids hates her self. Every man that I know that passes 40 without kids, begins to think he might want them, but he's still got decades to figure that out.
I believe that this talk is good for those in their 20's, but what she didn't go into was that you can have the "perfect plan," have the "right friends," and the "right job" and LIFE can still happen. One of the biggest misconceptions not just here but in a lot of motivational talks is that if you do everything right, you'll get from A to B smoothly. No, life happens. You can get sick and have to move back home and after you recover, your parents get sick and die. Yes, please plan your hearts out and do all that you can under your control, but if something comes up and you have absolutely no control over it, please don't freak out and think that you did something wrong. You did not. It's just "life" showing up on your doorstep.
I love your critical comment and the way you approach the issue from different angles. I also love to be inspired by such talks as those, but I'm still fully aware that i'm in different situations and even though I will have done every stage correctly, the outcome may not be the same as theirs. Hopefully, many others watching this can have the same thoughts as you, be inspired but don't be trapped!
Kelli Evans if you're interested, her book "The Defining Decade" actually discusses this in great detail -- through snippets of her sessions with patients and in positing that by taking control of our emotions and developing our confidence, twentysomethings can overcome hardship and adversity in work life and personal life. Absolutely sensational read and (obviously) goes more in depth. Check it out!
I know. It’s just about doing your best, the rest is not in your hands.
This is so true! NOBODY talks about that in the mid 20's people around might start PASSING AWAY! It might be someone from your close family or your friends just anybody. Of course it depends how old are your parents but it just might happend! Cheers!
Indeed. I struggled with mental illness in my late teens-early 20s, then finally seemed to be getting things under control, and my head was full of this kind of advice. I was even tormented by it! Then when I was 27 I had a catastrophic mental breakdown due to one single stupid mistake with benzodiazepines. (After *two weeks* on them, I was addicted... that lasted for five years.) Now, after 12 years of insanity, I'm pushing 40 but my life is okay. Not what it was, but I'm alive. Only my parents' wealth and generosity saved me from the financial ruin that awaits a lot of people in my situation. I'm grateful to them every day. But for so many others...this talk would be even more depressing than it is for me.
I was a drug addict with a criminal record by the time I was in my early 20's.
I sobered up and began to change my life at the age of 25. I worked as a welder as I could earn a living wage while having a criminal record. At 29 I received a pardon from my conviction.
I am now 35 years old and work as a Paramedic.
I made more than a few mistakes in my youth, but that experience makes me good at what I do now. With due respect, Meg Jay speaks as someone without that experience.
Anyone can have power and control in their lives if they are willing to face hard truths.
Awesome story Jimmy, That reminds me of something Businessman Brain Tracy said about his life. He said he had an epiphany at 25 when he realized that anything he would become in life was going to be the result of his choosing and taking action to do so. I still defer back to Einstein when he said: "Everything Should Be Made as Simple as Possible, But Not Simpler." In other words, reduce everything to it's lowest common denominator and STOP COMPLICATING THINGS!
***** Everyone is "shaped" in some degree at 30 by who they were when they were 20 by virtue of the fact that they had to be 20 before they were 30. That isn't rocket science, and isn't what she is suggesting here.
Her argument is that not focusing all of your energy as a young adult on the achievement of goals that lie within a narrow cultural definition of "success" will result in a less happy, less fulfilled life. When presented with people obsessed with their perceived inadequacies she suggests that they try harder earlier in life in order to measure up.
According to her theory, my early decisions should have represented an unrecoverable loss of "identity capital" as she called it. I think her theory is a recipe for a neurotic super-yuppie who is on prozac by 35 and divorced by 45. I am much more calm, relaxed and happy now than I ever could have been had I lived my life that way.
Jimmy Baggs You were 25 when you changed your life, according to your first comment, so you were in your 20s nonetheless. Your life story actually enforces her idea. What would have happened if you had continued like that well into your 30s?
Ciobotaru Alina But what if he were 30 or 31 when he started school and finished by 34 or 35 and got a career at 35 or 36, does it make him less successful because he changed his circumstance in his 30's? I agree with the doc that 20's we should be shaping our future. But everyone's future and time of success is not the same. Every person that has ever lived has a life that is not promised to how we expect it to be. You can plan that by the time your 25 you will be married. What if that never happens until your 32? Does this mean you've failed?
In regards to marriage..no, it just means maybe you were unlucky or had bad circumstances. But I'd rather know that I did everything that was in my power for things to be the way I planned them if they matter that much to me and that if it didn't happen, it was not the result of my negligence, but of circumstance. And honestly it is way harder to pick yourself up in your 30s than in your 20s. That's because as you age you develop other priorities, For women, for example, starting a family may be a more pressing matter once they get past 35 than continuing their education at college (if they didn't do this while they were in their 20s). I think it's much more complicated and you usually postpone things. In you start in your 30s, you will be benefiting from succes in your 40s, which is later than other people.
"Be intentional with love as you are with work." I felt that one. 12:43
Now that was a Red Pill.
else you get no alimony
i honestly didnt realize until i was older that a lot of people arent intentional with love. I thought it came naturally, but i guess people just like dating and being in a relationship with no end goal or true commitment.
I literally lost everything at one point, including my mind. Now I'm 35, I'm back and ready to go. Age doesn't matter, if you start doing now.
I didn't waste my 20s, but I'm still 37 and unmarried. Not everyone has the same life path, and that's OK. A few years ago I was at a wedding, lamenting the fact that I was 35 and unmarried and feeling the pressure. Then one of the bridesmaids opened up to me. "Well at least you're not 32 and divorced twice like me." And she was a counselor. Totally, totally made me rethink the way I was looking at things. Do the best you can at any age is my point, and don't always assume the grass is greener on the other side.
Girl you do you!! Everyone has different lives and choices! Im married and happy in my marriage but and I was also happy when I was single and had all the freedom in the world. Enjoy life!!! Its about being yourself and doing what make you feel alive! 💖
kansasgoldilocks live the Life you want, there is no plan, there is no rule that is more important than another one. If you’re happy, that what matters, nothing else 😊
Notice the women's advice in this thread completely sucks. Obviously find a man
If you are 37 and single you by definition have wasted your youth, I guess college and dating was more important than your family
Sorry for the hate you are getting. If that works for you, good on you, just really think about what your older years are going to be like when a lot of your friends will have big families of their own. Not saying your making a mistake, it’s just a decision that at a certain age, you can’t undo.
I was driving. Thought 30 was the new 20 and got fined.
under rated comment
Gotta be careful in those school zones
😂😂😂😂
Hahahaha
The cop was a boomer, he doesn't understand the young kids.
I'm 25 now listening to this. This TedTalk makes me reflect on how in my early 20s, I felt like I had ALL the time in the world - until one day I blinked my eyes and was suddenly 25. Ultimately I'm really grateful for how the first half of this decade has played out...the good the bad and the ugly. I've made life long friends, traveled a ton, changed my career plans multiple times, now I'm in a great job and studying to pivot into something I like even more. But in these years I lost my mother and grandparents, struggled with drinking way too much, depression, struggled with my identity and mourned my difficult childhood. It has been a lot of healing, and there is so much beauty in that. And of course there is beauty in all the fun I've had too
Hi! Screenshotting this and saving it to look back at some day. I’m about to turn 20 in a few months and I’m planning my game plan for the next 10 years because I feel like I’ve lost my teenage years to depression, ego, insecurities etc which I’m working on and want to have a plan to not just jump into the waters blind. Thank you so much for sharing your story and I hope at 25 I can look back and be proud of all I’ve done. Thank you!!
Yes by all means continue to be a slave and let 'educated' people talk you into being more productive for the sake of productivity.
@@marlene6168and how is your life going on now?
...I'm 42 😳
And, after three grown kids, marriage, and now am getting to focus on career - my own life is just beginning in many ways!
No regrets at all, about the past, or what others may see as "mistakes".
Thanks to genetics maybe(?), I'm a young 42, have great relationships, am learning, and working on my MA degree; with more focus, and happiness, than I would've on my 20's!!! (With, or without children)
Don't give up 40 something's, it's what you make of it 🤗🥰
Simple advice: Stop playing the comparison game. Stop yielding to the world's standards and continuously changing agendas. Prioritize what really matters to YOU and you alone. Do what makes you happy. Own your decisions.
So true
Very true. I see people my own age way ahead of me. I than see others my own age way behind me. Everyone catches up sooner or later but we have to go at our own rate and pay no mind to what everyone else is supposed to be doing. It’s only gonna change with time.
This is so true
Right, comparing yourself to others is not good. But I think people should push themselves HARD to be the best they can at what they want to do. Acomplishing challenging goals you set for yourself is what will make you happy. And that only comes with hard work and dicipline.
Comparing yourself to others is the main reason for this generation's depression, fuelled by social media.
I wish I could meet this woman. I watched this talk about a year ago now, when my life was in ruins, I had no job, no money, no direction, love or the ability to care. I was in tears when she spoke about Emma. Because I felt the exact same. But it inspired me to do all that I wanted to do in life. 1 year later I moved from a sad small town to Sydney, found an amazing job in community services, found a man that would do anything for me, brought a brand new car, watched my bank account grow, and started my degree in social sciences. And I did it all on my own.
Because of this tedtalk. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you!
💓👍
Cool story, bro.
Wow it is awesome how some people get inspired by these talks. Besh wishes !!
Dan Wow!! Yours is a fantastic story. Congratulations to being bold and going for it, despite life's hiccups.
Cheers!
How did you do it on your own, unless you married a homeless person and you take care of him? It's a group effort I would think.
Everyone has to live their life on their own timeline. I'm 32, single, no kids and I've never been happier. I made a major career change at 26 and just broke up with a boyfriend of 5 years because I realized it was no longer what I wanted. There is no doubt that having your life "figured out"as far as career, and relationship earlier on can seem like the easier/more "successful" road but everyone will encounter obstacles at some point in life. The key is to always work towards what makes you happy and to realize that true happiness has to come from within. It's not about the external "story" you portray on social media or living up to societal ideals. It's about realizing what YOU actually want and what makes YOU happy. Sometimes these two things don't align.
👏👏👏 Love the last two lines.
As a 20 year old young adult. This will be replayed every year on my birthday until I turn 30. I’m so glad I saw this video now and not later❤
30, 20, or 40 doesn't really matter.
You have now, its a good place to start. Crying about the years spent already doesn't help. Realising that you can change course now is everything. Life happens to all of us.
Yes! Thank you!
It actually does matter how you spend your time. Its never too late to make a change but man...imagine if you spent time intentionally making changes
I think it does matter! We need to reflect on what we did in the past, areas we need to improve, reflect on our old mindsets, (like, are they still suitable to the current situation or to my future?) I think one thing that is important is that the old, wrong mindset is preventing us from starting a new life. (this is especially important when it comes to the mistakes we’ve made, if we don’t realize our mistakes then in the future we will be trapped in a loop of making similar mistakes without even knowing) If we don’t think differently about our lives and keep living like the old days, I really doubt that we could make a change and our 30s or 40s would be the same as our 20s.
But it does matter. By 40 your career choices are limited, your family choices are limited, even your cognitive abilites (picking up new stuff) are becoming limited.
@@fantasy9917 and? isn't living enough? we are all going to die
The speaker gives an example of how things would work out... In a perfect world. I know plenty of people who 'took control' in their 20''s and succeeded. Also, those people had supportive families, good to excellent financial situations, live in countries where choices are plenty, and suffered no major illnesses/accidents.
There's something dangerous about telling people 'now is the time' and after, you'll most definitely struggle and live with the regret. EVERY DAY is the time, every decade counts, you grow with every mistake... And sometimes it takes a lifetime, but you get there.
@@jessl8201 lol my life is literally the complete opposite of yours. i'm so glad I withdrew from society.
I’m 23, I don’t have an established career, and I’ve felt like I was past my expiration date since I graduated high school. This video was posted 8 years ago so I know my generation wasn’t the 20-something’s she’s talking about, but every single person my age I’ve ever met is haunted by the idea that they have no time, that they are ALREADY out of time, that there is no more time and it’s too late, and I wonder how much of that mentality resulted from an over correction ten years ago-because every adult in my life has burned into me the idea that I have to be successful RIGHT NOW, or it will never happen. Get off your butt and get moving, always, you don’t have time for your mental health, you have your twenties to get your life moving and after that it’s too late. I know this wasn’t for me, I was fifteen when this was released. But it still smarts a little to hear an established adult say that 20-something’s think they have all the time in the world when all the new 20-something’s I know feel like there’s no time left at all.
I'm 22 and I had the exact same thought watching this!! There's always the overarching feeling of being past our expiration date, and like we've already ran out of time... but it's so ridiculous that we even feel that way because we're just 22/23.....
I'm 29 (so close to 30, it feels ludicrous to still claim 29!) and I also felt incredibly late at 23. It's something everyone experiences at that age. We're gaslit into it and it's paralyzing. I'm so sorry this is still a thing, but you don't have to buy into it. My life is catching up now, nearing on 30, and I'm pissed that I wasted so much time crying and wringing my hands, when I could have been enjoying what was happening in my life at the time (in my case, it was the opportunity to stay home with my children and raise them myself for their first few years - for you, it might be very different) instead, I was obsessing over how my career was stagnating, how my friends were making it, how I was falling behind, how I wasn't advancing in the things that I loved to do and which gave me life! (It was horrible, a total waste of time.) I'd say enjoy whatever stage your at as you're at it. All the best!
I wouldn’t over analyze it, just work hard on doing what you want and if you don’t know don’t stress about it too much. If you are feeling mentally stressed then take time for yourself to try and get healthy again because if your mind isn’t healthy your body won’t be healthy either and you won’t be able to pursue what you want.
wow I am decades older then you my generation was getting their work in and a good number had coupled up at 25 yet I dont think you are out of time get your work in enjoy your youth but remember the clock is ticking your expiration date hasnt come yet but you dont want to be 30+ and clueless which I was/am
I can relate in my culture you’re expected to have a house, career, kids etc by the time you are 30! Otherwise you are a failure and just wasting time. I cried a lot in my 20’s due to pressure. Now I am 33 and I live for me!
After I watched this video when I was twenties, I was so shocked that how much I wasted my time! But I reconstruct my future plan and deep thinking about the life. Now I turned 33, I have the career that I wanted to, I have the partner and family that I most love in the world.
Thank you amazing message, Meg 🙏
I'm 28, I have suffered depression since I was in high school. I would say that for most of my 20s I took a long time to work on myself personally. Throughout that time I accomplished some things: I got into the best shape of my life, found my passion in life, formed a friendship with a person that will be a brother to me despite him not being related to me, got my black belt in shotokan karate, got my associates degree with honors, and most of all...i learned to love myself and learned to accept that it's okay to feel bad about yourself, to have insecurities, to have meltdowns and to fail. Granted, I don't have my bachelor's degree yet, I'm currently getting one in nursing and I have yet to find a steady relationship and my friends all have nicer things than me and bigger bank accounts. But, I have no regrets because I know that time was not wasted and I would do it again in a heartbeat because people these days don't seem to understand that learning to love yourself is one of rarest qualities that one can obtain.
Can’t express just how much I agree with this comment
You have a strong foundation to go and shape your life as you want/can. Being married with kids before 30 doesn't make one a psychologically stable, self-aware and self-compassionate person.
I love that you go an Associate's degree, there's no need to have student loans!
More strength to you!
❤️
My entire 20's has been dealing with disease and disabilities, don't have much to show for myself but I think anyone can find meaning in life even with the odds against you.
Life isn't easy, nor fair. Go through your life in your own tempo and don't let other people rush you. As you say yourself, you'll find your meaning and happiness, no doubt. Cheers mate!
Same here Eric. I agree with you.
@onesoloving1 When I was 10 I got Crohn's and had 2/3 of my colon removed. Since then the side effects from years of medications like steroids and chemo drugs and the effects of arthritis and degenerative disk disease has taken it's toll. Exercise is something I do everyday and it does help. I'm still able to travel for work and give presentations to clients but I know the pain effects my thought process and ramps my anxiety up to a 9 sometimes. I wish getting healthy was as easy as daily exercise and healthy diet!
Hey Eric, I'm in the same boat man....still can't seem to get a solid career and get off the ground because of my medical issues. At 27 I feel like I *might* finally be making progress, but no guarantees. I feel your pain brother. Trying to make the best of it and enjoy life but this fucking sucks.
@@Eric-tq3vn Can I ask what you do for a career? I am struggling with chronic pain (Fibromyalgia) which is exascerbated by the repetitive movement Tic's caused by Tourette's Syndrome. I'm still trying to figure out what I can do for a living. Everything I've tried so far I just end up burning out in 6-9 months from fighting through the pain and exhaustion for so long.
I spent my 20s suffering from health issues and trying to figure out who i was. I think its great to tell someone to live in that moment and plan and yes time does go quick once you hit 30 but also if you dont achieve the things you thought you were going to or wanted in your 20s you wont die. There are so many awesome people in this world who achieved very cool things later on in life. I think the important thing really is to live in the moment. You can have plans but life can really derail that alot. So do what you can in the moment. And dont compare yourself to others. There are many ways to live life and we have many different paths to walk.
I also had health issues and had to care for sick family members in my 20s. They passed away in my 20s, so I didn't have control over timing. this woman is a nasty idiot who is clearly sheltered from reality. As if 20 somethings live in a nice vacuum sheltered from the low points of life. Shame on her.
Came to Canada when I was 20, graduated at 25, found a very good job but hated it and got terminated after one year. Now I'll be 26 in 11 days. Found another good job in a small town. Fighting with my attempts of living in larger cities, hanging out with friends. Enjoyment of early adulthood or development of my career. Confused, regretful, conflict, fear, and anxious. Hope I'll figure it out. See you guys in few years. Best wishes to all of you. We can do this.
I got married at 25, and divorced at 31, because my partner cheated. Marriage, and relationships aren't everything.
As someone who never had a relationship, I can tell you they are. Everything else is useless without relationships.
And maybe they were like that one you married them but you thought you could change them. Did you keep yourself in shape or did you not value yourself or partner.
@@The31YearOldVirgin No, that's just the "wanting" mentality. It's not much different to consumerism.
@@GameFuMaster
It's totally different. You can life without stuff, but you cannot live without love.
@@The31YearOldVirgin tell that to the hermit monks who live in isolation. Your suffering comes from desire. As long as you desire things outside of your control, you will forever suffer. If you don't understand that. Then your life is going to be full of pain, guaranteed.
Though I understand what she’s saying and I 100% agree that self development IS crucial during your early adulthood. This is a very privileged way of viewing the world and humans and their potential for growth. Some people have gone through trauma, poverty, cultural oppression, sickness and still have every chance to succeed in their lives at a later stage. Everyone has a unique journey that’s relative to their upbringing and early experiences.
It's funny seeing this comment now, because most of the comments of success (?) people make here do not seem to include this fact. It's as if your comment was swept under the rug because people did not want to hear another perspective.
@@ksdtsubfil6840 Yes, but stuff like this can make you more reflective about your personal goals and have more insight. It doesn't have to be taken word for word, you can choose what to take from it. Just the general sentiment of being more aware of your limited time and what you visualise for your future was very helpful for me at the start of my mental health journey.
Thanks for mentioning trauma and other limiting factors. I'm in my mid 30s now and needed my 20s to learn how to trust, love and move on after a violent and difficult childhood. She is right when she says that there is not much time for building both, a career and a family if you start late (especially for women). But everyone has different starting conditions and if you need your 20s to get your feet on the ground, gain confidence and stability (not just wasting time!), then that's the very best investment that you can make for yourself.
!!
I agree. This reeks of privilege. It assumes everyone has a choice - we can all find a partner and build up a successful career in our 20s if we want to. Nope. I had mental illness that sucked away my entire 20s and half of my 30s. While everyone else was dating and moving forward, I was just trying to keep my head above water.
I'm 27 and I don't feel like my life has even started yet.
you got nothing but time honey! capitalize on that, start saving.. do something, otherwise be ready for mid life crises which comes around 40-50.. oh god it's not gonna be fun.
See you in 3 years. I think you'll feel different.
Had you not ignored or ghosted or "friend-zoned" decent blokes in your late teens and early to mid 20s you may not feel like your life hasn't started over yet! Wait til you get to 40 and have 4 cats!
@@johnwest1457 You realize I'm a dude, right?
I was once 27. I'm now a 56 year old man. Youth passes us all by. Time reveals life's mysteries.......20 years too late. It may not seem fair. So, be a good person, and surround
yourself with REAL friends. The rest will take care of itself.
yeah I wish it was that easy. Everyone has different opportunities in life. Sometimes things don’t work out as you expected. I did everything what she said while in my 20s and everything went downhills in my 30s. Sometimes your plans don’t work out, relationships don’t last etc that’s called life and it’s not easy
I'm 35, have been running my own business for 6 years now, and I have no romantic partners in the foreseeable future.
Based on my experiences, I can tell you to spend your 20's learning and improving your mind and body. Everything you do from high school through your 30s should be aimed at getting you to where you want to be when you're 40 or 50 or 60. All the various places I've lived, classes I took, universities and trade schools I went to, all contributed towards my skill set that I have now which is finally starting to generate some serious positive impact in my life.
Same here
Brilliant advice.
Thank you
@Major PainDiaz Then you need to learn from David spade. 5.4 and over 300 women.
That doesn't work for females.
They are used up in their thirties.
Men just don't want an older woman as a wife and a child bearer.
I think the real problem is when the advice, "You're young; you have plenty of time," is taken as a whole at face value. The fact is, there are certain high stakes opportunities only available to the young, and your youth is the only point from which you can heavily COMPOUND upon the choices you made. Like investing for retirement. For many things, the door is simply never open wider than when you're young (and believe this, your older competitors know that). So... it's about being real with yourself. Take time in the areas you can, but get a move on where you must.
The problem is when you are young, you are constantly pushed and influenced by those older than you to make certain decisions they feel like you should be making. I remember I was criticized so much for every choice I considered, I chose nothing and did nothing until everyone gave up on me. So it's not like we all have unlimited options and parents, and people around us are all supportive and will give us anything we want. The funny thing is, once you get older, people don't care anymore and then you are free to live your life how you want.
I agree. I'm 32 and I had so many opportunities in my late teens and 20's but were ruined by people in my life. And my low self confidence afterwards. If I had of had good influences and positive people (which I yearned for) I know my 20's would've been spent on the correct career path. 😔
jessdaisy & Blossom Yes, I went through a similar experience as you both. Now in my mid-30s, I find myself looking to middle age, and there are real positives on the horizon when you think about it.
You won't get everything you wanted, instead you are called to play the cards you've been dealt as best you can. To start from where you are and with what you have, which is more interesting I think. No more outside pressure or people on your back (speaking as a single non-parent here). No more milestones to worry about meeting either.
It's open seas. So in a way, it's the best time to explore your creativity, and with so much life experience supporting you now, you're more secure & grounded. You don't flail in fits & starts like you did in your youth. Middle age offers its own potential, you just won't get the storybook you once expected. Which is fine because we're here to live life, not a storybook ❤🤙
@@QuietlyCurious up likl oil
@@Blossom-ne4bk just cause we're in our 30's don't mean our life is over. It just means you should be a little more balanced now, still have some of your youth but with the wisdom to know the difference.
I'm 32 myself, keep your head up, stay strong, and keep a higher standard than you did in your 20's and you'll be fine.
I'm 37 and single - I spent my 20s and early 30s fighting mental illness and didn't have the ability to date or really progress in my career of choice. But guess what? I still think I can have children and have a career if I want, as long as I freeze my eggs. No one gets to tell me it's too late. Everyone has their own life path - please try to remember that not everyone had a choice in the matter when it came to how they spent their 20s. And even if you're single and jobless in your 30s, it's never too late to change your life. I see so much abuse being hurled at people, usually women, who are still single in their 30s, and it's ridiculous. For some of us, we would have loved to be married earlier, but it just didn't happen for reasons that were out of our control. And sometimes, that works out for the best. Please stop ABUSING people when you have no idea what happened in their lives to lead them to a place you don't personally understand.
" I see so much abuse being hurled at people, usually women, who are still single in their 30s, and it's ridiculous. For some of us, we would have loved to be married earlier, but it just didn't happen for reasons that were out of our control"
*Yeah, same and WORST for SHORT MEN!!!*
I love this. I am like you i have had health issues alot of my adult life and have not gotten to do what is normal for others. Thanks for writing this. I appreciate it.
Hey, I really appreciate your comment. I'm 33 and single, and I used to be really stressed out about it. I've been struggling with mental illnesses too and getting through college and starting kind of a career was where most of my energy went to. By 30, all those instagram posts of old classmates getting married and having kids made me feel like I had made some seriously wrong decisions in my life (when deep down I knew it wasn't in my hands). But I realised that a lot of the things i'm doing today (travelling alone, making music, things like that) I probably couldn't do if I had kids at this age. I try to be cool about colleagues and "friends" commenting on the fact that I'm living alone (and, God forbid, going on vacation ALONE) and don't have kids. It's easy to fall into a spiral of justifying your life choices to people (while maybe even hiding the fact that you DIDN'T have much of a choice in certain things), of comparing yourself to other people and of feeling like the odd one out. It's really hard sometimes. Being able to block that bullshit out is a superpower i aspire to have.
Please research fertility more carefully
@@ericb5328 what does that even mean?
My mom always said "don't waste time, don't waste time". So I ended up planning for career early, getting married early, retiring early. Now that I look back, I'm so grateful to her.
PS, and she was right. Her life was unexpectedly short. Maybe on some level, she knew she didn't have a lot of time.
My mom passed at 43. She married my father at 20, had 3 kids by 28, was a home owner by 30. I feel like I have failed in life because I have accomplished none of the above at 30. I always wanted to married and have children after I graduated college but I’ve never met any men worth settling down with.
@@thatlovegirl12 You certainly haven't failed in life and still have a lot to look forward to. In the end there are no medals given out for living life one way or another.
@@thatlovegirl12 you should consider men arent intereted in your money or Status if it come to getting a wife. All they care is your look and would you be a good mother. If your look wont get better with time you may consider to lower your standard.
@az_koala I think if the men's salariy isn't enough to pay all the bills, you might want to reduce your expenses. I mean a woman's income is kind of unreliable. If she's pregnant for example, her income would be zero. And if she decide to stay home and look over the kids who's gona pay the bills?
@@thatlovegirl12 wow, you can't give up that easy. Move to a bigger city or join the military
This talk was great. Take the time to actually comprehend what she is saying, instead of overreacting. All she is saying is don't wait to make changes when you can make them now. Time is valuable.
Unidentified43 All she is saying is the time is NOW get moving!
The problem is that for people out of their 20s, this is horribly depressing.
valar You still have time. I know people who made career changes in their 30s and 40s and are happier than ever for it. I have also known people who met their spouse later in life and adopted kids. There are many paths to life, and anything that was ever worth something takes time.
Oh I know I still have time. I think I'm going to be the cool uncle though, which I'm fine with. I'm quite tired after spending 20 years struggling with mental illness and addiction, and I would like a relationship but only with someone who doesn't want kids or has kids past the crapping your pants stage. I am starting on a new career path too, built on my own experiences in an area that society has massively dropped the ball on.
Yup
I am almost 44. 20ies were tough and fun in the same time. 30ies were kind of time to iron in and solidify all the basics, mentally, spiritually and physically. AND fourties, thus far, are the happiest!
Same here friendo
20's are the most confusing and easiest to get influenced by people like the speaker. Happiness comes from knowing oneself, then live is so much easier :)
I’m 44 yrs of age, 20’s were teaching carrier, got married at 29 and had two babies at 32 and so glad I made the decision.
You're a man. She's not talking to you. Women hit the wall at 32. We don't hit our stride until 44/45. Notice she never said "Craig" or "Bobby"
@@anzwarthegreat9489 I am a woman. Just because I use this profile pic, doesn't mean I am a man.
As someone who recently turned 28, I feel this. I kind of made bold decisions by accident. Some of them paid off. Others didn't. But, I'm grateful. I've spent and continue to spend too much time thinking about what the 'right' thing to do next is. There is no right thing. Everyone is just trying their best. And, no one worthwhile will judge you for trying to do what's best for you.
advice for men and advice for women are polar opposites, for good reason.
What were your kind of bold decisions? :)
Shame I wasted my 20s trying not to die from liver and kidney disease. Joking aside this is an incredibly privileged viewpoint making out that all of the hurdles being faced by people in their 20s are of their own making. I have met many people in their 20s just like me being told they should commit to partners and have successful careers despite living with chronic illnesses that made all this incredibly difficult. What happens if you struggle to find relationships because “no one wants a girlfriend who will die on them” or you have failed your fourth degree on health grounds. If I hadn’t had everyone around me pushing me to work myself half to death I might not have discharged myself from hospital early to go to a job interview or stayed in horrifically abusive relationships because I had to succeed in that category. I plan to spend the rest of my 20s celebrating that I have survived this long and continue to learn and grow at the right pace for me.
Exactly I don't care for this TED Talk. Success is not linear. There are people who get success in their 20's and lose everything a decade later. There are other people who don't succeed when they are young but have a ton of success when they are older.
I felt the same way when I first saw this TED talk in my early 20s. Now I'm in my early 30s. It felt like her point would have been better made if she wasn't generalizing her message to all twenty-somethings, assuming that all of them were already wasting their lives. It was like a parent talking down to a whole generation. 10 years later I can say that I had forgotten about this TED talk, except for feeling like it talked down to me. It did not help my growth in my 20s.
Amen. I spent my 20s in and out of hospitals. I’m incredibly behind on all of the supposed ‘life goals’ and that really used to depress me, but I’ve learnt now that I just have to go at my own pace.
I hope you are healthy and happy now
@@trinidadraj152 yeah i get this video is suppose to be encouraging to not wait around because time will pass by but it does peg the question in how a therapist would help someone who is going to hit a lot of milestones a lot later than normal and most of it wasn’t their own doing.
"Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do."
Wow, I needed to hear that!
29 years old and I've learned some of the most important lessons in the last season of my 20s. About to be two years into my career, new found confidence that is still growing, working on more ambition and just taking baby steps to better myself overall. My 30s are gonna be A1.
Good luck
Going to be 29 this november..but wait why i am writing this in every comment section of every videos i got recommended by youtube and how youtube know i am close to 30 and i am not thinking about turning 29 but getting close to 30..may be i am so afraid of getting old😪
So, you started your career at 27?
@@onelove8593 27.5 to be exact. I graduated from school after working bullshit security jobs.
....if you're a man.
This feels so true everyone told me 20s is so young and I got all this time to figure things out. Now I’m 33 and realize I’ve wasted too much time and developed so many bad habits by wrongfully thinking I can take a decade long vacation and dodging any form of responsibility or dedication to all my dreams I had. Now I’m 33 and trying to start but realizing I may not have enough time to live out my dreams have that career that beautiful apartment ect. If I can give any advice to 20 year olds focus on establishing your career first and have fun after that. Fun is a lot better when you’re not broke and you don’t have a nagging feeling in the back of your head telling you to go to school and get that career you want.
Thanks for sharing. And what about your love life ?
I dont think establishing your career and having fun exclude each other, it's all about finding balance. I went to university and started my career, all the while I traveled a little bit, partied a little bit, studied other things (not related to my career, just for fun). Not much, but enough to not feel like a soulless robot.
Dude! Don't live with that regret, go back to school! I go to school with a lot of 30 somethings, it's possible and if your driven it's a return on investment
I am turning 20 in September this year and feeling lost. I am so unsure about my future and being anxious about not having a clear plan for my life and career. I don't even know what major to apply to. People always say that 20 is too young to overthink your life, and these years in college aren't going to affect or decide your life much. I was kind of comfort by this but still feeling anxious and lost. A good message is that now I know that every stage in my life is a part of my life that I should not waste my time with. I am pretty satisfied with my past decade, and now with the new start, I want to be proud of myself ten years later when I flashback. This is my stage of trying and thinking of my direction. I should always treat myself seriously and be like a growing adult. I think I will rewatch this video in the future and find my comment and think, huh good job. ✨
"You're deciding your life right now..." If we were consciously aware of this with every action we take, imagine how much it would impact our lives. Where most of us go wrong is thinking we have more time, who guarantees you another 10 years, another 10 weeks, another 10 days, another 10 hours? Time is valuable, use it or lose it.
Yes, this is so true. Time passes by so quickly and the temptation to procrastinate is so big when you think you have time.
I was watching this video at 31 sleeping on my futon in my studio apt. I had no real career or boyfriend and this vid shocked me to the core. Now I am 35, happily married and have a career. Don’t worry guys... You might have wasted time but its not too late. You can turn this ship around still.
Yappie Kitchen and zero children
What's your career ?
If she will try to have kids they will be retarded most likely due too the eggs being old
And if you want children, your career is going to have to end. You can't have it all!
That worked for You.
I watched this when I was 25, now I am 32 and I watched again, this talk still resonances with me. I indeed tried to add values to myself when I was in my 20s, and got married with I was 27, had my daughter with I was 28, but things not going well, I divorced at 29, have been a single mum for 4 years now, and I worry I may not be able to have siblings for my daughter...but I keep carry on and becoming more mindful on how I spent my time and who I spent time with and keep learning new things and be a better person everyday!
Just finished her book “The defining decade” and it really helped put my life in perspective
Look at all you judging each other like you all have or want the same things out of your meaningless and short life. We are all mortals. It really does not matter. Who will remember you or care about your existence just 10 years after you're gone? No one. Unless you do something grand like Mozart or hugely recognized people. Even then..most young people don't care about them. Just enjoy your life. Many married couples with children are unhappy and hate their early gettinf ready decisions.
@@--M--1111 thats a pessimistic point of view
@@--M--1111 and being mortal is liberating. It really doesn’t play on my mind. Who cares about being remembered, aside from extreme narcissists? Nothing matters. Man is condemned to be free. And its great.
@@--M--1111 dont get in that trap of thinking like you must do something you need to do to be remembered it will bring you only depressing life things happen naturaly and you should have dreams that are more real!
@@--M--1111 exactly, there is no inherent meaning of life so it’s up to you to create your own meaning which is done through being active in your ambitions and intentional in the way you live life which is what the message of this talk essentially is
Life is not a project. Life is a powerful force and it lives you. It is an American paradigm that YOU have to SHAPE everything.
I love this comment. So true.
I agree. The shaping causes alot of anxiety too. Unnecessary
I changed the most from ages 21 to 29. I am 33 now and I have changed a lot just in the last 3 years. I dont think any older age group is the new "past age group". Every age group is different and has different experiences - we should embrace them :)
i first heard about the book/saw this ted talk the week it came out when i was 22 going on 23. Now, with my 30th birthday just 90 days away, I just want to say thank you for this. It forced me to look at some things objectively and get my life together!
"Don't be define be what you didn't do or what you dont know", "you are deciding your life right now" Thanks for great quotes. And also i read your book i really help me out when i got a problem at my age. ❤❤ Thank you Ms.Meg Jay
nice way explaining the carousel and the wall
Wait 'til they really try (just try) to comprehend what mgtow is about and what might have been causing it. And that's not even half of the story because it only uses surface logic, not soul level logic thus making it pretty incorrect in itself for healing and expanding consciousness but it's happening and it might even destroy the human race altogether if it will keep going. Heads might implode but it is what it is.
Yep this talk is about the women go M.G.T.O.W
Beat me to it.
This.☝🏽
Good gawd, MGTOW is ubiquitous these days.
I'm conflicted with this TED talk... I'm 25, almost 26, and up to this point, I've done what she preaches. I can't say I'm not happy because I like my life and I see a bright future ahead, but it's painfully lonely to have taken this road. Most of my "friends" are of the mindset that our 20's are meant to be blown off, like an extension of our high school years. When my friends caught on that I'm moving forward, they stopped calling me to hang out, get together or go on trips. Even though I know I'm doing the right thing for my future, I still feel sad when all the people my age shun me. I'm learning to make peace with it and hope that I'll soon find a friend or group of friends with a mindset similar to mine. In the meantime, I'll just have to enjoy my solitude
+SpottedTiger89 Stay strong man, your future is way more important imo. You're doing this for yourself, if the people of your age in your life prefer to waste their 20's on 'mindless fun' it's their problem and not worth your time, gotta find new friends that share similar ambition
I feel the same way as well but you are not alone
Your older self will thank you
@@Churlz Or not.
@@LSSYLondon no u
I spent 10 years of my life after I graduated high school about thinking about taking my own life because I couldn't' afford university, somehow I'm still here making plans for the future and still pushing on finishing my career studies even though I'm almost 30 and just starting
I'm turning 20 in like a month and I love this talk. She actually wrote the book "The Defining Decade" and it is a pretty great read. I highly recommend!
Happy 20th birthday
I agree with her points and I think some of the comments are from people who don't really understand her message.
What I take away from this is that your 20s should be about laying the foundation for the rest of your life. That dosn't mean not having fun along the way. For me, so far that has meant getting a handle on my ADHD so that I stand a chance in Univercity, it has meant focusing on my athletic endevours and spending time volunteering. Do I have a fortune to show it? No. Not *yet*
what about now?
I completely agree, she's just making an emphasis on laying a foundation for your future... i feel like people in the comments section are missing that point.
I totally agree.. it's like when people say I have so much time I'll do it later. I'll travel later , get married later, find what I really want to do later. What I got from this is what ever you want to do in life do it now .. find a way achieve, it's okay if you fail, you have more chances now then later !
This TED Talk is changing my life. I watched it last fall and this year, I am making changes, possibly getting a new job, signing up for AmeriCorps, and who knows, possibly going on to PeaceCorps after that. This helped me to realize that settling is doing a great disservice to myself and I want to look back on my life and say that "I have lived."
Danielle Monique I read this book - all she really wants from twentysomethings to be more INTENTIONAL and to not waste time and be non productive and I did AmeriCorps too. Best decision ever in terms of career development and personality development
I learnt a lot from the comments than this video...lol! Glad I came straight to the comment 🙌 because not everyone peaks at their 20s and I agree with everyone that we all have our own time-line and as a culture we all stereotype whether we should have figured it all out before we turn 30 and that gives us so much pressure! why don't we just let life happens. Whether you have it figured all out during your 20s, 30s or 40s etc...shouldn't matter. We determine our own future and when the time Is right for us.
Thank you. First saw this at my 20s, now I am 26, and yes. This helped me to not minimize myself and take myself seriously.
Hey guys, don't take to personally what this woman says. She's just encouraging people in their twenties to not waste their time in meaningless experiences. It's not a failure sentence to 30 yolders! Besides, as many people wrote in the comments: "every single person has his/Her own path to their goal. Sometimes you might get there sooner, sometimes later. What matters is that you make every second count".
What is a meaningless experience? This is putting people into boxes. Society and pair pressure to become a mediocre and do what all people have to do (according to the norm). Everybody has the right to live their life as he or she wants. Moreover what she says it is not true, neuroplasticity and the capacity of the brain to form new neurons and connections happens all along the lifetime
She's referring to hypergamy. She's basically acknowledging that a woman should always marry up, not down or even equal. This is why a lot of lower class men never get married. There's also a flip side to that coin. Some women look to far up and never find anyone, or mistakingly marry for money and get divorced after 2 years and then the kid grows up in a broken home. Gen X's are infamous for doing this. They should be called the divorced generation. She's not making it aware that if you look to far up, you may not find anyone. And with all do respect to Meg Jay, millenialls are tired of the previous generation telling them how to think and what to do. The truth is society is changing and family dynamics are changing, and this is not by choice, but environmental. This woman is way behind the ball either because she's been sheltered, or her education is not matching up with the times. Increases in cost of living, and increased debt has changed when people get married and when people have kids, if ever. Hello! Wake up! What planet are you from?
LOL, with all due respect, ALL generations are tired of the previous generation telling them what to do. I'm 61, and my 82 yr. old mother still sometimes cannot pass up an opportunity to advise me (and sometimes she forgets that she told me that yesterday, so tells me twice), and since every day may be my last with her, I try to take this with as much grace and gratitude as I can. I can also say that over the years, even back to my 20's when I thought my parents had to be wrong (and just plain dumb!) about just about everything, they've proved to have been right after all. After I married and started my own family, it's amazing how smart my parents got.
Nicolas Israel, you have the reasoning of a FOOL!
Don't worry. I no longer listen to anything women say. Their liberation and freedom has been the death knell of western civilization. They are the problem, not part of the solution. This has always been the case.
My 20s went down the tubes, and it had nothing to do with me feeling like I had permission because of news articles. I was anxious and depressed and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. My parents didn’t know what to do, but sending me to a therapist finally ended my unemployment.
Despite having a job and an apartment, I’m still anxious, depressed, and aimless at 34. I’m doing everything I can think of to fix my inner state, including going back to therapy, but the earliest appointment is about 40 days from now. Gotta love the responsiveness of our mental health system.
By the way, all the jokes that were made at the expense of people in my position and all the angry rants about us? None of that was the least bit helpful. If anything, it just made us more anxious and depressed. We needed help and really could’ve used a stronger mental health system, but instead we got mockery and anger.
Do you have a girlfriend
' ♥ # Y)=00ßß No, but at least I won’t die a virgin. Hopefully a girlfriend will be next, if I can ever get things straightened out in my head.
@@jakeself1911 Helping and consoling those less fortunate than ourselves helps in viewing the world and life in more objective perspective, helps getting us out of our selfish, overly sensitive, and self-sabotaging bubble.
Listening to Dr. Jordan Peterson's talks or reading his books could be helpful, too.
However, the most important part in figuring my head and heart out is in finding the purpose of my sole existance, which I found where I least wanted it to, therefore I must openly suggest you also try Islam.
@@Lipanj92 I don’t really see myself jumping from Christianity (one Abrahamic faith), which I was raised with, into Islam (another Abrahamic faith). However, I am open to learning the basics of what Islam is about. I’m a very curious person. I’ve watched some videos with Jordan Peterson. On one hand, he’s a tough love sort of guy, which I probably need. On the other hand, sometimes he goes a bit too far, and winds up being abrasive.
It's honest, real and good people like you who have indirectly helped me stay alive because I am constantly bombarded by unrealistic ideals.
Nobody is a failure because they didn't do something by a certain age. I have nothing in my late 20s but I've not killed myself and I'm good person. Thank you.
Best ted talk I have watched this year so far !! I am 20 now and it motivated me in a way I can’t even explain
I love you Meg Jay. Thank you for writing The Defining Decade.
I’m 22 and I will make sure I make the most out of things 😊
I can't believe there are so many people are stressing about not being married/having kids by 30. On the flipside, there are so many people who ARE married with a family by that age, and STILL feel unfulfilled or as if they've somehow missed out on their youth. Let's not forget that finding your perfect match is not exactly an easy task, why do you think marriage ends in divorce 50% of the time. People need to stop bowing to societal pressure and go with the flow. Things don't fall into place for everybody at the same time.
"go with the flow" is never a good idea.
we all live under social patterns' pressure, that's why lots of people are stressed.
Why do you think marriage ends in divorce 50% of the time? That's an easy one. Simply because divorce is the best financial operation in a woman's life. She gets house, all belongings, kids and a slave working for her the rest of his life. Actually that 50% estimate is quite low, real number are higher.
Pablo Fontecilla lool really?
Leyla, it's real. Real numbers are about 75-80 percent, and most men in those cases end up paying alemony.
Thanks. This video has tripled my anxiety!
kiwibrown y'all gondie
I’m 26 now. I’m glad I found this video. I’m trying to pick my family now and network. Thank you!!!
This video came out when I was 29. I’m seeing it now at 37 and it’s spot on. I’m in a good place, but I’d have a lot more capital and I might be able to be a parent if I hadn’t been so complacent in my 20s. The ONE piece of advice I’d give: if you aren’t sure what you’re doing with your life, put that romantic relationship dead last. It’s the most wasted, useless time spent, in hindsight.
I'm the same age. And i did see this a while ago.
My career and finances have gone well. My health hasn't. And I haven't met good guys in the past, and have compromised. There are things you can try to influence, but can't control.
"Put romantic relationship dead last".. as a guy I could take that advice very well. We have the privilege of being fertile well into our 40s. How well does that advice hold up for women?
And i’m pretty sure that you’ll
Soon realize 33 is also very young.
@@hamzamahmood9565 Men aren't eternally fertile, that is a myth. They also aren't eternally desirable as fathers by women who want kids. By 40, a man has about a 30% chance of getting a woman of any age pregnant. Miscarriages, childhood cancers, autism and schizophrenia also rise dramatically in the kids of older fathers (35+). So instead of bitching about what women are doing, I would seriously consider worrying about your own fertility. Nobody is guaranteed fertility, regardless of their age.
@@kp361 not really, autism is more likely passed 40+ males according to an article by healthline and your fertility puts men at 40 as well, also the dramatic increase is 28%
My best 20's advice as I just turned 30: Finding direction.. "I'm going to travel to decide my career direction."
All you'll find is procrastination. Traveling is fun but you will come home empty. Instead, do something hard that pays a lot of money. Move away and work in extreme conditions. You'll make money to fund your dreams and you'll build the character necessary to finish hard projects. Doing something you dislike is the fastest way to finding out your identity.
Ben Chang Facts! man or woman it’s a wild world so if you have drive and tenacity push yourself for better things and better people. The broken woman are 3rd wave fems, the broken men mgtow leave them be... and be your best self no matter what. Anything in life can happen. My mother married young and was a widow young as a result of tragic accident, yet she persevered.
Fem3rd/MGTOW just two different sides of a very bitter coin. Evolutionary biology will deal with them for sure.
a powerful advice!
As a 21 year old doing something I dislike, yes! It really builds character.
True, it's about the challenge. Getting out of the comfort zone!
Traveling inspired the ideas that started my first successful business venture, definitely didn't come home empty!
I blew my 20s on bumming around, having fun... and I’m now a successful, happy 30-something who is far better adjusted than those I know who got stressful careers, marriage and kids at 25. They seem to be the ones having mental breakdowns when 40 comes round! Don’t believe the scare tactics than your 20s are all that matter. Life’s a journey, not a destination and so many don’t even make it to 30. We are blessed to simply be alive.
Thank you! Completely agree
Aliquo yes!!
Ate you really happy or are you like most of those "successful" corporate woman whose only company is the cat or the duck
The "bumming around" strategy might work for men, but women don't have the luxury of bouncing around for a decade if they have serious interest in husband, family, and a more predictable life down the road.
A man can recover nicely and at least satisfactorily from a decade of wasted 20s, but most women will not fare well after basically goofing off during her prime years.
@@kevinc3342 Yeah, because all women are ALL the same and think the SAME...🙄
It's always nice hearing what the other side sees..Coming from a therapist/counselor speaks volumes. This concern everybody both female and male (who have daughters, sisters, nieces e.t.c) who eventually look to start a family later in life. Remember "A career can be paused or changed but a family can't".
TedTalks change my Life. I watch this when I was 26 .now I'm 31 my life has changed. Thank you ☺️💗🙏
1950: in 2019 we going to have flying cars
2019: why 30 is not the new 20
LOL
Lol. Human problems will always be here to stay...but there’s hope. Jesus 😀
@@auraandrei7252 Amen
This was from 2013 tho
@@yoon9521 how dare u
" and then one day you find, 10 years have got behind you, no one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun"--- Roger Waters
YES.....those lyrics were very sharp.
His early life before Darkside is where these lyrics originated. He was already 30 years old when Darkside of the Moon was released. And now 310 million dollar net worth. Not bad for missing the starting gun. Amazing life(s) he's had.
I love Pink Floyd.
Possibly my favourite lyric ever :) so true too
Heard that line for the first time at 15. If i only knew 😂
*"Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do"* I'm 20 and I needed it the most.
Here I'm thanking myself for making an effort for the betterment of my life. I have never said this, but now I'm proud of myself for the person I'm going to become!
I hope I revisit this comment again later in future. Till then, take care :)
im 22, thankful to just watch this out of boredom. I will be looking for love like how I do work, and pick my future family wisely, because my parents haven't. spent the last few years just working and hanging out, and now i'm going back into school seriously, now that I feel ready to study something I am interested in. I will use my weak links to help me get somewhere where I want to be. no more killing time, I want something more than this :)
So...as the saying goes...”Youth is wasted on the young.”
Don’t wait until you’re 50 to realize the lessons you should have learned by 25.
Don’t you think everyone wants to learn their lessons early in life? Your comment is unrealistic. Everyone’s journey and circumstances are different.
I learned at 25 not to leave righteous comments in YT comments
@@BoyNamedTim XD
My cousin, she died at 46. She never got to 50.
Tau Noctua I'm so sorry you lost your cousin.
Probably one of the most needed speeches for young people at this point. Get it together and aim for something good when you're 20. You may just reach that goal by the time you're 30.
I'm almost 64, watching this, and wishing this woman and TH-cam were available when I was in my 20s.
Could have watched this when I was 22. Too bad I’m almost 30 now.
lol i just turned 22 and i feel like i wish i had watched it when i was 18... you see the pattern? your still young and can do so much in your 30's
Anyone that didn't hear the same Ted talk when the were in kindergarten wasn't paying attention
@@brianyoung1290 Hey, did I write this a day ago? hmmmmm lol
I would have said this to the almost 30 year old. Trish C you need to realize that your sexual market value is almost used up. Every year you compete with a new batch of 18 year olds. Every year that passes you buy the chance of you getting a quality man has slipped through your fingers. Every dude that pumps and dumps you makes you less valuable. Truth is what it is and the Wall is undefeated.
@@steeltown825 And what if you're still a virgin at 30? I have no interest in stepping into 'the game' though, I don't do dating apps and websites and all that. I just want to meet someone outside all of that the way that things used to happen before all such things existed. Dating apps and all that have made it all like some competition. Things can't progress naturally that way. That's how I see it anyway.
@@shanamoens822 only advice I have for women is this. Find a good man, don't let him go. Period point blank.
"You have time", greatest wrong advice ever.
A goal and no time
th-cam.com/video/OuJfuu-wOgM/w-d-xo.html
Tonixxy men have time. Women dont
@@soaceba no they dont,lmaooo.. that is a lie men like to tell themselves
@@princessbibian1504 Well, There's a reason why it's common to have an older men with younger women than older women with younger men. ;) seniority in men are attractive, on women, they are viewed as left over damage goods.
@@soaceba it's the opposite, older man can provide better because they are already on the peak of their success, plus, men tend to be more attractive in their 30'. The opposite is for women, it's better for them to date while they're young! It's a fact, let's see it with logic instead of feelings or what is more acceptable... Life is not politically correct.
This speech made me feel utterly horrible about my life. Thanks!
So change! Its never to late to make new decisions. You just have to do it. We continue to learn and grow and change till the day we die that is our reality.
Time to accept Jesus as your lord and savior
Without Jesus you are blind and can’t see spiritual truth
Find a nice church with a pastor
Learn the Bible
Jesus is the only way to the father god
So search for truth you will find it
I feel you man but honestly life is pretty good, I've spent years living in third world countries either in the military or volunteering and I'm guessing you're either an American or european fellow and trust me your life is great. good luck brother 👍
It’s never to late to move forward. Don’t let anyone else make you feel less because you haven’t “achieved” something yet.
Life isn't about feeling great about horrible personal decisions. Congrats on the lesson.
I first watched this talk when I was 17. I am 24 now and I still come back to it from time to time. Great speech. As someone who overthinks A LOT, I really need to hear the line "forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital"
"The Defining Decade" has been so helpful for me in claiming my passion and niche. Thank you so much.
I amazed me how many people found this talk to be inspirational. I agree with her points regarding the importance of taking our lives seriously and mindfully choosing who to spend our time with, but these points are obvious. I do not know a single person that believes he can sit around and waste time without consequences.
She warns of realizing in our 30's that the career we've wanted is out of reach, but then there is also the danger of achieving the career you've always wanted and realizing that it's not what you want to do. I can't help but find her perception on life to be over-simplistic - like it's obvious to define happiness and success, much less attain it.
I think it's more important for people to take chances, think for themselves, and make their own mistakes.
Agreed.
I think any advice for people to live more "adult" is just a bullshit to make you grumpier and grumpier no matter age so you can think you are mentally older when you're actually just more annoying in general and stuck up tight with what is really life in living which is fun and not... boring. I see too many people indoctrinating themselves into being more "grown up" and ending up so much tight and boring to others and to themselves, living miserable lives for not taking up possibilities and opening up to opportunities (end up living in the same city they were born, never travel for more than 2 months and never overseas, with time becomes difficult to revert this situation and the so called old grumpy is going to be the limited personality of such person. There are 90 year olds who live and tell they never stopped living their 20's no matter what age they reached they grown up very enthusiastic life-fulfilled happy individuals (with much less prone to have neurodegenerative diseases, the own mind destroys itself if you try to become "too tight"... dementia, parkinson, alzheimer... This video is a bad advice!!! Period
Mostly I find her advice depressing because i'm 33 and only started my career at 29 and don't want a husband and kids so... what is my life then, in this philosophy?
Rea84 I think the point is not kids or being married, but going for your goals. If you feel like you’re getting there and not wasting time then you already have the idea
perfectly put
This is so true. I "woke up" at around 27? And I'm 29 now, will be 30 in a month... and I regret so so much the 20-ties I wasted.... all the potential I had. The easy health, the easy fitness. The career I didn't have and am now desperately scrambling to have.... it's a tragedy and not many people realise that they're living it. Or how to recover from it.
Look at all you judging each other like you all have or want the same things out of your meaningless and short life. We are all mortals. It really does not matter. Who will remember you or care about your existence just 10 years after you're gone? No one. Unless you do something grand like Mozart or hugely recognized people. Even then..most young people don't care about them. Just enjoy your life. Many married couples with children are unhappy and hate their early gettinf ready decisions.
Our brains (especially the frontal lobes) develop until 25 they say... For me it was more like 27 as well.
Well im glad you eventually woke up. A lot of the older people on here are in denial and find this message depressing probably because they wasted their 20s.
I'm almost 28 and I feel like this is very valuable information, dr. Jay.
The undertone feeling of this is almost guilt tripping young people into figuring out life in your twenties. Which just feels wrong. Don’t stress it out, people! Twenties are (almost) by design the time to poke holes in things, fucking around and finding out. Parent advice almost always lands on deaf ears, so youth is for making your own mistakes. That’s how experience is made, that’s how your life is unique to anyone else’s.
Again, don’t stress on getting somewhere and “making it in life” too much, otherwise you may find yourself accepting deals that took advantage of you and weren’t in your best interest.
Explore, educate and take care of yourself, cause you are the one companion you’ll always have beside you from birth to death. Cheers!
Your whole life pokes holes in things, not just your 20s, and at the end you're just a name on a tombstone. So where is everyone going in such a hurry? You're in a race that you can't win.
just be happy and grateful for what you have. the grass isn’t always greener elsewhere. stop creating non existing problems for yourself.
@Mebrice Depace it will be fine indeed. Because fine isn't being married or have a career. Its living your life on your own terms not from other people's perspective.
@Mebrice Depace Being content and grateful doesn't mean ignoring reality. Grateful people smile more. Grateful people hold the door for you, help when you drop your grocery bag. Grateful people are attractive. They're not selfish or self-centered. They look outwards not inwards. If given more they give more.
@Mebrice Depace don't worry, alot of people will rail against you for saying a fundamental truth in life that time stops for no one. it's uncomfortable for people to hear and therefore they view those who speaks it as antagonistic in their lives.
Your twenties is a time for growth, don't waste it on indulgence and stagnation, begin the journey of building up the foundations of your life, work on your happiness, don't be discouraged on the mishaps along the way, and value the people you will be meeting in your journey. Don't waste It less you build a life vulnerable to the savageness of time.
Love this comment
maybe we should be grateful but also try the best of life, understanding it is not for ever
I had it figured out when I was 29. I went to grad school with a specific job in mind--Real estate analyst. I graduated in the spring of 2009. 4 years went by while I waited for the economy to turn. Now I'm 37 and an intern doing accounts payable for a developer. I started looking for work in 2007. It took me till 2013 to find an unpaid internship.
I get a small stipend. It's enough to sustain myself temporarily.
I'd like to run the kind of company I work for now
I partied, travelled and established my career in my 20s, I was considered a “high flyer” in my profession but by my late 20s it brought me nothing but misery. I ended that career when I turned 30, starting again in a completely new field because I saw my 30s as my defining decade.
My 20s were fun and I have no regrets, but it’s never too late to go back to the drawing board. I’ve started a new career, settled down, bought a house all in the first 3 years of my 30s. I don’t feel overwhelming pressure, I feel overwhelming pride and excitement at what my 30s will bring.
Life’s too damn short. Do what makes you happy.
I'd say it really depends. You could end one career at 30 & start fresh because you must've been financially strong. There are many who can't do this simply due to lack of money & so many responsibilities
@@arpit.sharma yes it does depend.
However I was not financially strong as you assumed, but I worked damn hard to get out because I was mentally even less strong. I weighed up the pros and cons - more money but zero happiness, or alot less money and more happiness. No brainier.
Just out of curiosity, how long are you paying the mortgage for?
@@Mayral999 it’s my second house so long enough 😂
Made a great check list out of the worst cases you listed before the 8 minute mark. Thanks for the content!
This is good advice for twentysomethings, especially those looking to go down the traditional career-marriage-kids path: don't frivol away a whole decade of life. But life certainly doesn't end at thirty. Not to sound pat, but every day is an opportunity.
This talk is not recommended for those with depression/anxiety.
At the end of the day, it's your life, live it for what is important to YOU.
As someone who is mid 30s and just had a horrible end to a relationship and having "career crisis" and depression...couldn't agree with you more.
If you have depression and anxiety, you're doing something wrong in life and this talk is for you since improving your life will help your mental well-being
@Abram Hodgens
Hi, I just wanted to say that there's nothing wrong with you. Life looks differently for each of us, and you are just going through a very challenging time right now (as for all of us at different stages). Don't let someone else's expectations of what your life should be make you feel depressed! Bad times can be very helpful, they help you reevaluate things. This comment was a few weeks ago so I hope you are feeling a little better. Take care
VeroMithril Yes, I'm graduating with my bachelor's in psychology and have struggled with anxiety and depression since I was 13. People need to fix how they think about their lives and themselves, fix their behavior, and maintain what they've learned through therapy for a few years. If you have a mental disorder, it's a problem that needs to be fixed, not something to be celebrated or ignored.
VeroMithril No I'm 22 at a pretty liberal state University. The root of a disorder is genetics, childhood experiences, hormone imbalances, and other miscellaneous life experiences. I'm not saying people have disorders BECAUSE they're doing something wrong. But, treatment means you have to change the way you think and act. If you're depressed and keep telling yourself "I'm worthless" and become a recluse, both those thoughts and your actions need to change. Any therapist would tell you to get out more, go on walks, get coffee with friends, etc. So yes, if you have a disorder that isn't being treated, you're doing something wrong and need to act for your own wellbeing.
Thank you so much for such a wonderful talk! It's just what I need.
Thank you so much for your sharing! I’m so grateful that today I was introduced to your book and tonight I found your Tedtalk. ❤
The truth no one tells is A LOT of people have all that (marriage, kids, career) but are not happy!
Thais Macedo Amen.
I know more without that are. has absolutely nothing to do with family/spouse/kids its the person.
And there are a lot of people who have them all and ARE happy.
You
Are
Not
Other
People.
If your goal in life is having meaning, then most likely a person will be happy with a family
I would rather regret not having a wife and kids than regretting having a wife and kids.
2013.. ?! Man great talk. Damn i wish i saw that then! Though better late than never currently 32. Met my man now husband at 20. We spent all our 20s side by side doing everything together. 29 became pregnant with our first. Now pregnant with our second. Do wish we started a little earlier but excited for what the future holds and growing our little family.
Excellent now get to a good church accept
Jesus as your lord and savior
Start reading the Bible
You did great
im happy for you,God bless you and your wonderful family
Please dont fleece the guy. We dont want another statistic
@@waltermromanoff349 Hahhaahhaah nonsense
watching this video as being 23, i’m scared so bad. i’m not with anyone. i don’t have job. i’m just killing time spending time being alone and reading comic books. now is the time to change about myself.
Watching this for the first time at 20 years old, I’ll try my best to make use of this knowledge and apply it to my life. Hopefully I come back at 30 with some lessons and lots of contentment!
Boy it would have been much nicer to be in your 20's during the 80's and 90's but in today's world, in this economy, 20 year old's are pretty screwed.
Yup. 😏
Being 20 in 1960 was the best
I see a lot of comments criticizing her for painting career and marriage as everyone’s ideal. Try to look beyond her examples, which I’m assuming based on her age and accent are cultural. She’s saying you’ve got to be proactive, make plans, and go get what you want, now is not the time to just chill and have fun. This applies whether you want a white picket fence, an EDM record deal, or just to travel the world and be a dog parent. You’ve got to learn assertiveness, planning, discipline, and boundaries in relationships.
I wasted 14 minutes of my life waiting for her to say "you're special". She didn't even say that straight, but instead did a lot of hemming and hawing. She should be a politician. I bet the liberals would love her...
Oh wait, they already have Marianne Williamson and Kamala Harris, who basically say the same things, only mostly to women and blacks.
Mike Drop!
marriage and children are optional but some path to a reasonable income is a necessity, not optional. Thats a career for most people. The thing about marriage and children though, while optional, is probably the path to happiness for the majority of people. I think alot of this generation has fooled themselves that it isnt a requirement for them. There are outliers but its not 50% or more that can be happy without a family. I think its in our genetics and nature and were trying to fool ourselves.
Women have a biological clock you have a certain time frame to have kids and even find the perfect mate for marriage, you can learn a career at any age but not have kids this is what women don't understand once your beauty fades and hit the wall it's over.
"Dog parent"?? 😂😂😂😂
im 20 now and i was just thinking about how to manage to succeed in all of this, you gave the confirm that it is important and i have to continue thinking and do more, well it´s gonna be hard but THANK YOU!
I am super gratefull for this Tedx talk. That is soo crazy true