The Biggest Skill Men Need In Today's World
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 22 ก.ค. 2024
- Need a new PC? Starforge Systems - The Best PCs in the Universe: starforgepc.com/HealthyGamer
▼ Timestamps ▼
────────────
00:00 - Introduction
01:21 - Men rely on women
04:48 - Compartmentalisation
07:57 - A different kind of language
12:00 - Turn anger into accountability
15:16 - Thinking in black and white
17:43 - Stop transforming, start accepting
22:01 - Conclusion
────────────
Learn more about the research that goes into making our videos:
explore.healthygamer.gg/citat...
Join this channel to get access to perks:
/ @healthygamergg
Find us on Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, and more here: wlo.link/@healthygamer
DISCLAIMER
Healthy Gamer is an online community and resource platform for gamers and their families. It does not provide medical services or professional counselling, and it is not a substitute for professional medical care. Our coaches are peer supporters, not professionally trained experts, and they cannot provide medical service. If you or a loved one are experiencing an emergency, please call your nation's emergency telephone number.
All guests of Healthy Gamer are informed of the public, non-medical nature of the content and have expressly agreed to share their story.
![THE TOYS x NONT TANONT - ดอกไม้ที่รอฝน (spring) [Official MV]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/pPa1d5cC8M4/mqdefault.jpg)
Need a new PC? Starforge Systems - The Best PCs in the Universe: starforgepc.com/HealthyGamer
Ah, yes. The one with the phallic shaped logo, right?
I wanna remark that you made your advertisement about pcs so good
i liked the advertisement. The service is expensive so I'll pass
Please let me see when add starts and when it ends
Nice partnership ☘️, This is how its done! Much lv
Man is despressed, man watches video, man is still depressed but hopeful and motivated.
man goes for man support, gets called gay and goes back thinking something not wright here...
@@szymonbaranowski8184 the spelling of wright :( hope that was it, its "right"
But man should not listen to others, only to his own sense do what you believe is the right thing. and believe in what you're doing. if you have doubts, ask yourself who thinks its a bad idea, you? or the voices of the others.. if its them tell those voice to fk themselves. and if its you, look inside until youre sure, only you
@@cielush1848 - What do you do if you find that the doubts are well-founded by a long list of failures?
@@cielush1848 I think it was intentional, for the "cavemen speak" style =-)
Btw, if you should not listen to others, you should not go to others for mental support -but this video advocates for doing this exact thing.
but what man did not know... this is his first step into no more depressed.
we see you on other side
“Ah. Me no depressed.
Go to gym.
Get sexier.
This will help.
Men have beer.” - Dr. K 2024
I think the best thing you can do when you're depressed is go out with your friends and have a beer, or just spend time bsing with someone about nothing. Not try to open up to them. Maybe just say you've been feeling like shit lately and they say "ah that sucks man, want to play a game of __"? etc.
@@brentappenrott1756 you serious?
@@brentappenrott1756no you are avoiding the problem. Its the last thing to do as a last resort. It only speaks to how bad the problem is
@@brentappenrott1756 that's literally just ignoring the issue and burying it deeper, which doesn't help yourself at all
@@goofyahhh254 well if you avoid it until death its still a win i guess. that's what my dad did.
"Me no depressed. Man have beer." Jesus, thats exactly what my mates are like.
Particularly ironic since alcohol is a depressant lol
Edit for clarity: I understand that “depressant” and “depression” are different, which is *why* I said it’s ironic, *because* frequently numbing emotions with alcohol will, in net, deepen depression.
@@crownprincesslaya2 Yeah but it makes you too depressed to even think.
@@crownprincesslaya2 there is nothing ironic about it. it's called a depressant because it lowers arousal/stimulation but not necessarily mood, it even often times has euphoric effects.
@@crownprincesslaya2That's not what it means. Depressant as in it inebriates you,not that it makes you depressed. Literally the opposite which is why a lot of people take it,unless they overdo it to numb their feelings and pains
They are right though. You need to sit alone and realize noone is coming to help you unless you have parents, and even that is questionable. First accept that you are alone, next step is to do an analisys of your problem. Write it down if needed. And than find solutions. This is pretty obvious but we don't do it cause we like to be in a victim mentality, and accept stupid roles like I am depressed, I am a failure, I am fat, I am not good looking, etc. Those are all indications of lack of discipline tbh. A man that wasn't a good hunter, didn't survive. Why do we expect this time around to be weak members of society and to survive and reproduce? That would just be a failure of nature to offer weak men that opportunity. Wake up! Get better. Be better. Be THAT guy.
Caveman Dr. K is something I didn’t know I needed in my life
Dr Kaveman
Dr K bro advise because you didn't go to mom or sister as you supposed to in nature?
Dr Coke
Who needs a Monk Stream if you could have Dr. Kaveman stream xD
Me do love to hear Dr. Caveman talk
The ONE thing I can’t stand…
Is all this online stuff saying that emotionally all men were socialized to feel is angry.
But no, that’s not my experience. Expression of anger was always severely punished when I was a little boy.
When I became an adult, I didn’t have any tools to address or express it healthily or effectively, and so I was left with 2 kinds of anger - repressed anger that fed depression, and the occasional explosive rage.
Neither of these were things I was “allowed” to do, or socialized in any positive way.
The beginning of expressing anger in a positive way was learning to say no, and down-regulating any guilt attached to doing so
In my experience, the punishment for other emotions besides anger came from my peers in elementary school. They would mock.
Can I ask what resources you found to help this dilemma?
And have you looked at No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover?
@@chillie000 that’s a good book.
Support groups are good places to practice, just due to the rules they all have around no crosstalk and that sort of thing.
@@isaacbunsen5833 I grew up in an environment where really the only safe emotion to display was happiness.
@@mbw6785 that’s some heavy stuff to deal with man. Thanks for the reply.
This is so spot on. I'm a guy who SUCKS at emotional conversations. We are always taught to never be weak/ show weakness. And this in turn, becomes our weakness. If you can't show emotion you can't form connections with anyone. Then you become isolated. Like me. Speaking from experience here.
Edit: BOOTY CHEEKZ
you're maybe isolated but not alone bro
As someone who's tried going the emotional route, do not start with people who have already put you into a certain box and expect 99% of new people to take you at face value.
Maybe it's just where I live in Australia, but people (men AND women) really do not give a flying f** about men's emotions. So far all I've found was people were much more comfortable with openly showing disrespect to me, treating me like I am now suddenly some little b** who won't do anything about it, until - guess what? I started showing anger. Suddenly people know how to be respectful when they think I'm going to bash them, at least temporarily. There's always something men can do about their own situation but it's not up to men entirely, despite what the popular narrative is. On rare occasion I could find a random man who would listen, haven't yet found a woman who listens without trying to take care of her own emotions through me.
Krishna says do your best
@yesok2954 the person who listens what does that look like. Do they ask relevant questions, or is it a quiet attentiveness or both?
If you show vulnerability to women they will lose attraction for you, even if they say different.
"Empty head is good head" is the most powerful quote ive heard for mental health today
Am agree.
don't believe everything you think by joseph nguyen
Empty head is a no-brainer
@@aoidev3809 your comment deserves more attention. well done.
… so no head?? *chaotic noises*
Taking male-male friendships to new levels of emotional closeness is so intimidating.
I'm so glad I had the friends that I had. If your boys are really your boys and your struggle is not completely manufactured you will be surprised that they will just raise the needle on the record stopping with the bravado and leg pullery. Then adjust to a less judgmental mental framing. They might not be particularly skilled in this end because well yknow it is almost a foreign concept to dudes in general back to the point you will see that they won't be antagonistic they will probably be too problem solvery if inexperienced typical dude behavior thing but you will witness first if not a lesson taught a big reminder that social context is a factor, social protocol will change thus what behavior you expect of them you like don't even know so your day dream scenario is based of like zero data you can't pregret based on your prediction because the predictive strength of the model isn't there. Second you are going to see even if they're in the kiddie pool of emotional support progress they are in the water they will want to help. Third they will get way better at it as will you both experience and normalizing the emotional support ritual becoming more comfortable with the process of gaining experience. You might even find that is the case you having the courage to open up will bring them tremendous relief because for the longest time they wanted to open up but didn't for fear of opening up them thinking to themselves previously "My friends not ask for emotional support they must not need it. I am weird for needing it plus bad as that is itself they won't understand my fragile wimpy needy behavior." Then you do it and they think "wow I'm not that weird it his him too. And him as well? And even him? It isn't weird at all." Crack the levee dawg we're all gonna make it king.
@@AnthonyRusso93Learn punctuation, please.
It also depends on a guy’s capacity for it, or what precedent has been set and how comfortable they are altering it. So, sometimes it’s easier with a new friend.
@@noideawhattosetmynameto6652 learn how to read without punctuation smh
@@AnEnderNonlearn telepathy you dont need punctuation there simple smhmyhead
I think this is slightly western/american culture related. Coming from another culture, I know that men rely on friendships a lot and they need to form almost brotherhood type of friendships for emotional needs.
Yeah I'm not sure why men in the west feel like they can't talk to each other about their emotions, you don't need to talk to a woman to vent out your needs, that's what friends are for, or loved ones. It seems like internalized toxic masculinity. Western Men are too embarrassed to show weakness around their other male friends because they get shit for it.
That used to happen in the West as well. It really only began to collapse with the Industrial Revolution, and only fully collapsed in the last quarter of the 20th century.
My friends are my family. I know one of them for more than 25 years and the rest 10+ years. I wouldn't know what to do if these would only be platonic relationships.
@@kirkdarling4120 Why industrial revolution affected this?!
@@Letmebeanonymous666less free time, more mining for coal
"Hey man, I need your help thinking through something" sounds like a really powerful way to get the other person on boat. I've heard again and again of "don't come up with solutions to their problems, just listen". But coming up with a solution is a first instinct for me as well, even though I'm a woman. The only thing holding me back is "if I offer something stupid, I'll make a food of myself". So it sounds like excellent advice to explicitly use the drive to come up with solutions in order to get the other person to listen. That's really smart.
Also a woman who defaults to solution giving here. I found what works for me is to clarify the weight of the emotion vs solution. For when I need emotional support, I start with stating how I feel sad/angry/excited about something. When I need solutions, I start with stating how I have a problem/dilemma. It gives the other person a cue on what to focus on.
“Men rely on their female partners for emotional support”
Bold of you to assume i have a partner
I came to my roommate in my 20s that I was having suicidal thoughts. (I'm good now) His response was "well I'll still have to deal with life whether you're alive or dead.
Another time I came to my father, pouring my heart out asking for guidance and got "yeah life sucks"
Men historically cannot go to other men for serious compassion. I am highly empathetic and give a piece of myself whenever someone comes to me. It's a difficult thing that really isn't discussed.
Yeah honestly this is gonna take some time to fix. This is another barrier to men forming intimate friendships. We suck at responding to our friends pain. On this one I think we gotta take a cue from the women. Look how they support their friends and adapt it so we don’t emasculate our friends. It’s tricky but we can practice it for sure
@@blubug768 that sounds devastating. I feel like it's less about us and more about how we are as a society. Maybe they do care, but they don't know how to express it.
That sounds like maybe they didn't handle your situation in a very compassionate way, and that has to hurt no matter the reason.
Fortunately I do believe we have it within us to reframe and seek inner peace and happiness. From a hopeful perspective rather than a defeatist perspective. Maybe you can be the person to everyone else, that you wished they would have been to you. That's a very noble cause.
@@blubug768 that's sick. I can't belief they treated you like that.
I have experienced something similair (as a women). I was sick, my kidney wasn't working properly I was in a lot of pain. My partner made me sleep on the couch because I was making "too much noise" and he couldn't sleep because of it. He also refused to get me medicine.
The world is sick, people that tell you they care about you often don't and it sucks.
I often think "woman have these issues too", but tbh I was predominantly raised by my dad and I had an abusive childhood, maybe that is why I relate to much of what the video is about.
@@blubug768 Even though I'm a woman, I've been treated the same all my life so I get where you're coming from :/ so I try my damn hardest to be there for other people in the same way I wish others were for me. But it is a double edged sword sometimes because I end up giving too much or they expect me to be there for them all the time, and it gets to a point where I become overwhelmed. I wish I had an infinite amount of energy to give, but I guess I am still just human
@@lycheemyusicyou are giving to a fault. I imagine that especially when younger you were exploited for it. Be careful not to be taken advantage of because otherwise resentment builds
im so glad my best friend has a masters in psychology and so ive got this great friend to just vibe with when things are bad, and even when things are really bad/anxiety gets really bad i can reach out and he will remind me everything will be ok.
That's great. I hope you don't abuse your friend's emotional support.
Can we borrow your friend ?
My psych friends from college were critical in me becoming a not perfect but more mature and understanding adult. It’s so sad that modern society undervalues psychology and other humanities disciplines for harder sciences and numbers. We need both. Our lack of emotional intelligence and empathy is starting to show up as a result and we’re paying for it in generational trauma.
I have a guy friend who studied psychology and is trauma informed who is an amazing support to me too. Also, working in social services field i met a lot of guys who are somewhat atypical and have no problem expressing emotions and being open listerners. But even at work; there are more women and it's common for them to be better at emotional communication.
@@rejectionisprotection4448 We talk pretty regularly and always make sure we have the emotional bandwidth to be helpful to each other. there have been times for example where he's straight up told me not today, so we just hung out in a call for a while and that was good too
07:40: Reminds of a Polish webcomic which featured character concepts for worst superheroes. One of them was Captain Tough. He had the power to get drunk with you, listen to your problems, and say "Well, tough".
Can you name it
@@totalfree8740 Chata Wuja Freda. The original Polish name for the superhero is "Kapitan Cienszko"
🤣
@@kaczok1985How tf have I never heard of it, being Polish myself? XD Thanks for bringing it up, I need to see it now
@@mikeuk1927Cienszko rzyć
Once I stopped going to the gym to look better in the eyes other people and would say "sweet look at my biceps coming in better" and would essentially think of it as cool stepping stones for myself instead of just look better to other people, I started being more consistent because even I started to think of myself different. When I was able to focus on the work and enjoy my own labor of it all improvement became easier.
That's a good, healthy mindset. I hope the hard work is payin' off, or at least you're still pushing, hitting new levels.
I never liked going to the gym for the opposite reason. I am skinny ectomorph and I could live at the gym and never show muscle. I was elite athlete in college (fencing) and pretty active in HS school, basketball, soccer, swimming, and water polo. I still swim regularly but gym never made look better so I never got in compliments to make me feel better. body type wise I was skinny dork, one who just happened to have pretty fast hands and feet. Nearly 50 years old and still the same :)
@@tearstoneactual9773 hit a pretty hard plateau for about 2 years . But since then I'm still slowly but surely looking better. Thanks for asking 🙏
@@jonrazo7912 that's fair. When you are skinny and especially if you are tall putting on muscle is a huge task. To get past 150 I had to eat like 3k calories lol. And that was without doing any cardio at all! So I get it.
@@Madchris8828 I was so thin as a kid I looked like a concentration camp survivor. I didn't break a hundred pounds until I was a sophomore in high school. When I was a senior I wasn't allowed to donate blood because I was under the minimum body weight to donate.
I get way more compliments as a thin, kinda in shape middle aged man than I ever did as a kid.
As a man who tries to reach out, I have noticed that it is not always ideal to push for them to talk through the issues when they say things like "I'm depressed." Alot of the times it is simply too slow of a process for that, and as the paper states, the pressure to even say that is immensely high. I have found it tends to go better if I ask something like "do you want to talk about it". sometimes they dont, buut now they know they can
8:38
"Empty head is good head."
- Dr. K, 2024
I wonder which head he meant lol
@@JackBlack-jv2wgwhichever one you’re thinking about
This comment need more attention
I'm so glad to have great male friends who helped me through some of the toughest times in my life. I've found that you can't compare grief but you can definitly recognize and acknowledge it. Nobody knows exactly how you feel, but we all share that exact experience. Through sharing our emotions we remind ourselves that even though it hurts sometimes, there is comfort to be found in the knowledge that at least we're not alone in our suffering. Thank you so much for providing such caring advice and help to people.
Your talk about anger helps. Lack of introspection and accountability is a big problem for many, not just men because, obviously, not just men get angry. I really hope this video reaches out to more people.
You sir, you are doing gods work.
"hey man i need some help thinking through some stuff"
it never ocured to me to say it that way
Im sharing this one with all of my guy friends that know english.
This seems so crucial to understand and remember for so many of people i know (im counting myself as well).
Thanks doc, you're always spittin fax
I feel lucky about this topic because I have a male friend, his my best mate, we know each other since preschool, at school times we did spend time together almost 24h/7. After school, despite the fact that our paths diverged, we still was able to spend time together, like we meet up after work to smoke some weed and watch some comedians or play video games together. We always were therapists for each other, any problems, emotional, parental or relationships, even between us, yes we also had few fights (what I think, it only strengthened our relationship). If one of us have some difficulties in life or struggles we book a time for a looooong talk, it can take even for 5-6 hours straight. Even now after 30 years of our friendship, apart of that we live like 2000 miles away of each other and I didn`t see his face for like 4 years, we talk on the phone during work for a couple hours at least once a week. I love him like a brother and I wish him all the best, I also wish everyone to have this kind of best mate. Amazing relationship it saved me a lot of times. Cheers guys
I love your efforts toward spreading communication and accountability awareness. Every video I watch of yours provides me better skills at introspection and it has been helping me with staying more aware of my relationships and spiritual awareness. I've found that contentment in my understanding of any widespread issues affecting others and often invisibly, myself, has resulted in a sort of stagnation that I am very much so not content with! I appreciate you and the team so much.
thank you for clarifying the difference between spaces that other people see as toxic and spaces that are actually toxic. it's really important for people with such a big platform to do this I think
Omg i didn't know dr. K could do domain exansion
Nah, he'd win.
Always bet on Dr. K
Huh, what do you mean?
@@xCorvus7x Jujutsu kaisen brainrot
@@noideawhattosetmynameto6652 Not referring to some part of this video?
Probably a major milestone in videos on TH-cam, honestly.
I've already complained about that, but actually having good advice given on what to do against it is great!
This was just as on-the-nose as it was entertaining. Great video for anyone trying to understand the male-male relational paradigm. And why some men default to those behaviors with women, too.
The transformation bit was wild- thank You for putting into words what i felt my entire 8 year marriage that ended up being one of the major causes of its end
imagine even having ex's
The point you made about relying on the women in our lives is very prevalent for me. My wife is my rock and I love talking through my problems with her and supporting each other, but I also don’t have an active social life with male friends to balance things out either.
I’ve had a couple of old friends get in touch out of the blue recently, and it’s been really nice to make an effort in a friendship outside of my marriage. If we ever need to talk about issues in our lives, I’ve now got your advice to help Dr. K 👍
Empty head is good head 😉
but a bad watermelon
Nah, single pointed mind is good mind
But then no going ahead.
My sexualized brain 😂
i had some horrendous experience's when growing up and ever since i have been living with a form of depression and crippling anxiety. However i was able to let go of a lot of it when i opened up to some close friends. just being able to share it and tell it to someone who listened and tried to understand it was already a enormous improvement for my mental health.
Lack of control over the desire to accomplish something can lead to self sabotage when one doesn't accomplish it quickly enough. The best path towards success is repeated action towards that goal with a calm, unified mind free of self judgement. Easier said than done. But with awareness, we can more easily notice the self judgement as a mental construct and dismiss it
Yeah, the amount men need women just to feel ok is something i don't think women have it in the same way. As a guy not having a woman in your life feels pretty bad. even if it is just a sister or mother, it goes a long way.
There is this one friend in my life right now to whom I can emotionally open up to. But even then I really need to push myself and don't really feel at ease. I feel so much more comfortable being vulnerable with women. Even talking about medical issues to a female doctor is easier for me than to a male
It definitely feels like men need women more than women need men.
Some guys I know just emanate this aura of desperation around women that even I can sense, it's kind of sad and almost anger inducing.
@@lisamithI get you, but I'm afraid you're gonna learn the hard way. I have one advice for you: if you dont feel comfy with your bro, do stuff with them, like go out of your comfort zone with them. Do things you're not used to do with them.
@@coralBlue Yeah for women its protection, but for men its cause were lonely as fuck.
@@Ignozi lol cope. if they wouldn't need us then why would they still shit on us by blaming all of societies problems on me and taking away our taxes. And besides, have you seen the mental state of modern women. They are not enjoying their lives either.
This is so true and so relatable. Thanks for making this video, it helped me a lot realise all those things we men tend to do and feel is not only a "Me" thing.
Really great job. Thank you for sharing this video!
I clicked on this video expecting something else but this actually changed my way of thinking immensely. I cant thank you enough doc. Especially the changing into someone else part. I grew up with some social problems due to the incompatibility of the way my family raised me and the society of the country I am from and it made me think that I was the problem for everything. So I always dreamt of turning into someone else entirely in one day and fitting in with everybody. Now I take that into different perspective and realise how unrealistic that mindset is. Even nowadays I sometimes randomly get these thoughts that I am nobody when someone who is 10 times better looking than me is walking the same earth doing -10 times of what I'm doing and being successful with girls. That completely crushes my confidence and all the built-up confidence I had from days ago when I didn't think about it. What's malignant is that I am also good looking, very succesful person for my age and I know I have amazing traits but when that negative thought comes to my mind I just attribute all the confidence and good feelings of my own traits and abilities to that other person. I just wanted to share this here to get it off my chest but to anyone reading this, your thoughts and replies are welcome.
Hey how is this going for you, a couple weeks later?
@@willbephore3086 dude i scored a girl of my dreams and all my mental problems above vanished what a timing
I’ve been the total opposite. That meaning I’m not the type of person who can easily strike up convos or just talk about random topics like most extroverts can, but I love to talk about the nitty gritty stuff and hear people out about their problems and help give solutions if need be. I used to be the awkward type when it came to emotional and sensitive topics.
I had a friend who was depressed and told me and our friend group back in high school, and we all just shrugged and laughed it off. But now I’ve rekindled a friend ship with this guy and have been able to build a strong brotherhood bond. And I contribute this as I learned how to deal with my own emotional needs. I never had a true relationship with a woman who was able to be that emotional outlet for me. I had my parents but I was too scared to expose myself even to them. So I dealt with everything on my own (with the help of TH-cam as well), but I was able to persevere to the other side. And as a man who’s held up to be “masculine” and never show your emotions, I’ve developed an equal balance between the two and know how to maneuver through the world with stability. We all THINK we are right, but a FEELING that we may be wrong, and wrong we are indeed.
Omg, this is an on point video. Thank you so much for producing this kind of stuff Dr. K.
Awesome Life Tutorial!
That reminds me of as someone who has a lot of contact to different people day by day my learning for personal connections when someone comes with an issue to me is that question: "Hey just to be clear do you want me to listen or to solve?"
In both cases it helps a lot to be quiet and to ask questions to better understand. Mostly its not me who needs understanding, but the person who speaks. No assumptions! Just open questions..
Basically be an invisible Guide for friends to think things through, helping them to untangle the tangled-ball of thoughts.
This makes men seem incapable. But in my experience men WILL talk things out. Also that woman who wouldn't listen to her man at the beginning is a terrible partner.
Thank you Dr.K this will surely help me reach masters in street fighter.
Anger instead of accountability, what a beautiful way to phrase it
I was having some issues in my life and reached out to men in my family and friends circle. One wasn’t so helpful but the ones that were helpful had something in common. They didn’t go to much into exploring feelings or ideas, they just offered solutions to the issues. It’s not what I wanted or asked for but I realized it was a much better conversation to have. This lead to actions that changed my situation. What really helped is that they offered solutions specific to me and my situation and not just some generic advice, so I knew I was really being heard.
thanks for the advice in the different kind of language section
I'm so happy that my ex and I are still good friends and we can talk about our new relationships/ emotional problems honestly and care for each other.
But because of the distance we currently have (studying in different cities) it's still difficult sometimes, when no one other is around to really talk about this, because most other friends seem to not be understanding on a deep emotional level.
Taking charge of our lives instead of allowing them to control us is crucial for making positive changes. Acceptance and commitment therapy focuses on embracing circumstances and responsibility for personal growth. Thank you very much for this insightful video.
You’re brilliant! Your channel is a true enrichment in the TH-cam universe. Thanks for your high quality and interesting videos!
the reason why men don't talk about this stuff is that most are going through the same stuff and if you try to bring it up, it is a threat to the walls they've built up to keep others safe from themselves. and for the most part, men share less than women do in a relationship so i don't want to hear them say "men sharing their emotions with me is annoying" because you just admitted that you only want to be with him when he's there to make you happy.
Women vent all the time, but that is socially acceptable. They aren't seen as weak when they do. A woman can complain all day and cry, but if you do that as a man once, they'll never look at you the same again
@@TheOutlierTodayI can’t help but think about how pathetic and arbitrary some gender norms are 💀🤣 what a mess
@dinglesworld yea they really are. But it is what it is
@@TheOutlierToday its almost like viewing someone as less than human and more like beasts of burden. Your feelings dont matter. You're there to make my life easier. Once you're broken you'll be replaced like just another tool.
No wonder anger is our predominant emotion. Deep down every one of us knows that something is inherently, profoundly, wrong with all this.
Dude in the world of fake gurus, you are a blisfull breeze of hopefulness. Thank you for all of your Hard and kind work ❤
Such fire being spit all video long, with just enough humor to break it up.
Thank you Dr. K!
Thank you man, needed this so much rn
I always asked my friends to elaborate or tell me more when they said that they needed emotional support, good to know that it's the right thing to do
I've been really struggling with transforming into the idea of a "man" that is perfect and where I have no problems. It's so counter-intuitive but yeah in order to change we need to accept who we are first. Easier said than done. Going to try to let go of perfectionism and work towards enjoying the present more. Love the content, Dr K.
I just want to say thank you, I do appreciate your work, specially while going through some shit right now
It's so hilarious to me that the best way to explain how to use instrumental support the right way is by going full ooga booga caveman on it
And it's working, I feel like I understand it, I'm pretty bad at this with my friends, good video
Empty head is good head
That bit about how to ask for instrumental support for sorting through thoughts and emotions is helpful for the women in our lives too - sometimes they just want to TALK about emotions or problems. But what many men, myself included, often hear is that there's a problem that needs solving, and we launch into problem solving mode - even when that's not what she's looking for. I try to remember this when my wife comes to me with something, and I explicitly ask her what she needs from me, and that has helped, but I don't always remember. If she phrased it as Dr K suggests here, it would be clear as day, and then between us one of us will probably remember to ask or clarify!
You have helped so much! Thanks for being a hero!
Idk if I agree that men don't take accountability when angry, I think we get upset when it feels like other people don't have to be as accountable as we are
Yes that doesn't track with my experience either. We are very direct about our anger and it's sources. We are upfront about what has offended/bothered us.
What this is met with is lack of accountability; manipulation tactics, shaming, and outright gaslighting to ensure we shut up and move on without "bothering" others with our emotions.
Bingo.
@mrmadscientist3141 Exactly!! 💯
Well you are proving his point. If you are angry = everyone else is at fault, then that is not taking accountability for oneself and one's circumstances. He is saying here that Women are not responsible to singlehandedly be the place a man can rely on to confide in for emotional support. . . And that it is not fair to be mad at women for not meeting that need, because it is too much of a burden to put on one person to take on the entirety of support for another person's emotional wellbeing. It's not fair to be bitter at women for that.
@@manashieldmedia you are being intentionally obtuse if you think seeing everyone else's problems is somehow talking your own responsibility and accountability.
Thank you for providing concrete examples of what to say.
When I had asked my ex-friend (when they got angry that i'm not providing emotional support to them) about concrete stuff of what do they want me to do, they just answered in vague stuff and got angry when I interpreted it differently than what they had in mind. Felt like no matter what I did, I would still be the "villain".
And when I looked up on the internet on how to do it - it was also too vague for me. I also have a problem of seeing multiple interpretations of the same thing and thus get confused about which interpretation is the correct one.
Even though I'm a woman, I was taught to deal with my problems on my own and ignore stuff I had no control over (like when classmates made fun of me my dad just said to ignore what the classmates said). So I kinda learned to just have an inner dialogue to give myself emotional support. And when I ask somebody else for input I want them to give me suggestions or different points of view. So it is stressfull when people tell me about their worries as I feel like they want me to do something. And it feels wastefull to go "i'm gonna tell you things, but I don't want you to do anything about it". Feels like they could vent to an inanimate object and get the same result without "burdening" the other person with things they can do nothing about.
Ask directly “do you want help finding a solution or do you want me to just listen?” If they want you to listen then that’s the “something” they want you to do. It’s also a solution, you just didn’t have to work as hard to find it.
I've been dealing with emotional spirals for the past 3yrs and the last part about transforming vs accepting has changed my entire outlook on life
I've learned this recently through my personal experiences and the funny thing is this video came out a day before I went to jail lol. This is what men need to hear and will help many. Thank you Dr. K for all the great work you do. You have made an impact in my life and I'm sure in many others as well.
You got in jail!!. Im interested to know what really got you into jail bro, If you’re ok with it ofc.
I don't wanna get into depth, but you're very very ingenious Dr. K
Adressing the core of the problem while avoiding the trouble of getting into too much detail
Dr. K is very good at rhetorically negotiating. The problem is X, [insert sympathetic spiel for men] so this is why you should do X.
Thanks for making this video Dr K. Always full of wisdom and clear steps to take.
This video was great! What has really helped me so far is learning to have these conversations by myself and just exist by myself. Maybe that is because I enjoy being alone, but I found this helped me more than even conversing with my best friend (of course, this does not apply all of the time).
Also to believe in myself and accept who I am, where I am, and that I am only able to make changes from this moment forward. Everything I want to learn, do, and achieve-right now is the earliest I can start!
This revelation blew my mind the other day.
I was feelin a type a way. This is great timing
My problem is that my problems in life seem too much that giving up entirely seems like the more reasonable option. My conversation skills are terrible to the point where even talking to family is something I struggle with, I have no skills, the relationship space seems terrible, the economy is broken, owning a house seems unrealistic, I have zero enjoyment from anything, my sleep pattern is so broken, I have the emotional awareness of a sponge, and even if I were to see a therapist, I don't fancy trying out 3. I could in theory work on some problem to improve my life, but everything else will be broken. I also don't particularly want to be part of a declining society that increasingly sees one another as a tool or a burden. It just seems like a ridiculous amount of work that realistically has no benefit. The good news is that barely anyone is in my life.
However my advice to others is to filter out the negative. The world isn't fair but focus on the things that you can do and take it one step at a time because eventually it can add up.
My brother, you've successfully communicated your feelings to me and probably numerous others. Your input here was valuable to me... I'm glad you exist. And while I'm viewing your message with some skepticism, it seems things aren't so hopeless after all - you can definitely still come to enjoy life more, with some focused effort and a bit of luck.
Since you don't seem like a heinous criminal, I'm glad we can burden each other, however minuscule in amount. The spice of life is in all of us. Best of luck to ya.
@@Thunderstyle7 Thanks for the well meaning words, but let's be honest, whether I exist or not is of no consequence to you. Nor should it be, I'm just a random on the internet. I also don't think everyone needs to be saved, and that's ok. What did you find sceptic?
just try to take one problem at a time. The sleep must be fixed!! Try giving up caffeine and then going on long walks, or runs, or work out, something to tire you out
@@crystyxn Unfortunately I don't actually take caffeine. I drink water and a little bit of orange juice. No energy drinks, no coffee, or even tea. I did used to play pokemon go as a way to walk for a couple of hours a day but didn't really notice a difference. I used to slide into an unhealthy schedule of sleeping later so figured getting later and later to sleep would fix it but ended up being the pattern. To be fair even when it was normal getting up was awful and probably made me super depressed.
@@frishter I have no delusions about being your savior, but I want give my tiny part nonetheless. It may be "unnecessary" to you, but it is beneficial to me, so it's not just selfless. As someone who needs to inject insulin I quite literally need you to stay alive so I can stay alive, I am dependent on other people. I need you.
Besides that I also do want you to have a fulfilling life for the sake of humanity. Think of the butterfly effect. You may find your one life insignificant, but I recognize its value even as a stranger, whether you believe me or not.
I'm very skeptical about you having zero enjoyment from anything, or that you're incapable of holding a conversation or that you're too broken to fix more than one thing or that you have no skills, or at the very least the ability to obtain a useful skill. Things may be horrible, but you definitely aren't beyond help in those areas.
Thank you so much for this value Dr.K!
This helps a lot. Really needed this. Thanks, Doc.
Very well put honestly. It took me quite a while to figure all this stuff out on my own and successfully put it into practice but I think it's served me a lot with how I approach angry people who I know have good intentions, how I deal with plain assholes, and how I self-reflect in heated or generally difficult situations and I think a lot of folk need to hear it for the sake of themselves and those around them (and I don't mean that in any bad way... Don't take any of this as a personal attack). You won't get to grow much as a person if you're looking for quick and easy outs and unwilling to look deeper, as opposed to just honestly and objectively observing yourself, no bullshit n rose-tinted glasses. It doesn't have to be an inherently negative experience unless no matter your perspective on your life you're just fucking everything up and being an absolutely evil goober but at the very least, when you're doing something wrong and able to recognize it you gotta face it head on and actually strive to make a change there. There are also a lot of much subtler damaging maladaptations people may sometimes use to avoid uncomfortable facts and situations than just plain outright lying to themselves (and not everyone who engages in these behaviors are doing it for that expressed purpose obviously... Some make it more transparent than others) whether that avoidance takes the form of tribalism and trying to fit in with bad crowds, looking down on others with shallow or hypocritical reasons, sitting at the very extremes or the very center no matter the subject (again, black and white thinking), etc. At their core these make for easy outs, ideologically or otherwise. When you can better pinpoint what that kind of thing looks like and when that person really just wants to do good but doesn't know how, it helps you get your point across better and it helps them lower their defenses so you can communicate meaningfully. And with plain "assholes", you'll better know when to not take em that seriously and when they might not just be assholes and might actually be onto something... You can't honestly reliably do that however without that sort of critical thinking.
At the end of the day, it's just about doing your damnedest to accept shit for what it is and being humble. It requires that you catch yourself in such moments of frustration or desparation and try to shift your perspective around. Don't try and paint what's going on any sort of way. As they said, the world ain't black or white and that applies to this too; even if you can't get all the way there any effort pays off, especially as you build this skill. Eventually you can find more level-headed and effective solutions to interpersonal as well as some actual problems.
I have to include the fact that this isn't the same as ruminating on things. It's more or less the opposite really. In doing this you gain more situational awareness and you don't let yourself hyperfocus on what might really just be inconsequential details that won't help you.
Sometimes it's easier said than done. There are gonna be situations in life that are simply too emotionally charged for you to feel grounded just like that but you gotta at least try. A lot of depressed people are trapped in these ruminating thought patterns fueled by vicious cycles and it's gonna be harder if you struggle with such a situation but I know it benefitted my depression immensely insomuch as outside influence and personal issues played a role. You also get to find out what exactly keeps you ticking. As a result, it also helps you self motivate better.
Whatever struggle y'all are going through, your struggle is valid. Don't let people mock or demean you for it, providing no solutions and pulling you further down. I definitely consider myself liberal but for what it's worth, I honestly despise the way men are being treated in this situation and it's just so far removed from what we were originally striving for, all for petty reasons. This attitude of far left-leaning folk is just frank hypocrisy at this point but it's that same anger blinding em... Don't let the self destructive tendencies of those few unhinged jerks pull you down too. Most folk I know or saw care. Just keep striving to be the best you can and even try to improve on how you improve!
Long read man, but beautifully put. I wish I could find friends like you where I live but it is hard to find people with your traits. I think everyone can develop those traits but for obvious reasons they're difficult develop.
GPA instead of GPU bois
Both is good.
I like both.
Thank you Dr. K. I was devastated and felt so lost when my gf left me last year. I recently realised that I have started fumbling again while speaking. I spent an year home not working, trying to study, but I’m a 25M, I don’t get respect for the life I lead. I constantly tried to transform but failed. Back when I was 20, it was possible. I had done it. I felt so hopeless. Thank you for this video. I will try to incorporate the new things I’ve learned. Thank you for explaining the acceptance part, I’ve been struggling with that. But the most important part is that I really hope that my fellow men understand this and create a community where we could speak without trying not to sound lame with a nervous laugh. I hope that day comes. Hang in there boys, we gonna make it through, life will get better.
I like this one. It resonates with what Connor Beaton has been teaching on his ManTalks channel. Reduce our emotional dependence on women by talking more deeply with other men.
If you are a grown man who doesn't have people who allow you to cry in your life, I am incredibly sorry for you. I have almost always had my sister, mom, and later mature friends and a fantastic wife who allow me to express a full range of emotions with them. I am heard, understood, and feel a part of a team assembled to solve the issue.
There's nothing more important than a large, healthy social network filled with emotionally mature, trustworthy people. But to get there? You have to put yourself out in situations with a humble and grateful attitude. It hurts, it's scary, it sucks, but it's worth it in the end.
So basically we were allowed anger as our only emotion before and now that gets taken away too, got it. Time to identify as an AI.
Jokes aside, well yeah, it's true, complaining or being controlled isn't gonna do anything for us. But you know, with how solution-oriented we are...it hurts to run into all those problems that have no solutions but also can't be ignored. Anyway, my heart goes out to all the girls and women who also completely lack emotional support, and hope some can find this video. It's rough out there.
Of course we're allowed to be angry, the point is that when we are angry, we become blind to the big picture, and we need to understand that ignoring accountability is a side-effect of anger that we need to address once the anger subsides.
I just found your content and I’m devastated this needs to be broken down to society or it won’t get there ever.
yeah awkwardness is one of key elements which have gotten me into this point
i can be awkward in most situations but then the part of failing and being awkward
If one of my bros started talking to me about being depressed I'm not sure I would be able to come up with a whole lot more than "oh that sucks man, have you looked into therapy? im not the right person to talk to about that sort of thing."
Hey man, sometimes just listening is okay; but if you're not comfortable with that either that's okay too.
maybe but as you said, that is still neutral or positive response, guys are often afraid that even saying something to other guy will be replied with "uh, so?" or "is he gay or something?" People really need to stop creating fantasy in their heads, even in the internet it seems people are often afraid to write "i dont agree" because they are afraid of the responsee. Noone ever like killed someone because the person decided to be a bit more open. That kind response would be only if we start that type of stuff with random guy on the street (still most would probably react trying to comfort you somehow I think. )
Being able to have these conversations is an essential skill for men to learn if they’re planning to be a husband and/or father someday. You will never develop those skills if you don’t push yourself to try and engage within these situations with your friends. You won’t start off good but you’ll get better with practice.
The level of indifference in your reply really indicates a lack of emotional investment in your friends, to the point it doesn’t read like you in anyway care about your friends enough to be invested in his mental health issues.
Yeah I’m with you I used to be like that and it’s hard to be supportive of someone else when your cup is so empty, but really it’s about practicing being caring. It sounds weird and robotic to say it like that but often times men are numb and kinda are robotic due to lack of emotional care. Just practice paying attention to what they’re saying, and practice engaging with what they say. You’re gonna be clunky at first but that’s fine.
@@Sanakudou I have been a husband for 29 years and a father for 15, and both seem to be going swimmingly.
I am autistic, and logistics oriented, but not great at emotional stuff. You can only be what you are.
I have found that the best route to success is to do the things you are good at, and delegate the things you are not good at to those that are good at those things.
Also I feel like maybe we are talking about two different things. If my bro just wants to vent, I'll roll a J and let him vent. If my bro is telling me he is legitimately dealing with depression I am absolutely not equipped to deal with that, there are professionals for that.
Please a video on Acceptance and commitment therapy
I love the explanation, now I know what to do when asking help from my bros. Thank you Caveman Dr.K!
I have been taught and shown through examples that life-partners are there to support each other. Now the question is if I have to solve things without any expectation of help from anyone, is it really worth the pain and effort to gain a life-partner ? How does a life-partner differ from a friend then ?
Dr. K is just wrong about this. He comes from a place where he believes all of the worlds problems are because of men and women are doing everything perfectly. So when he hears a women complain about having to listen to a mans feelings, he blames the men and says it should be other men who are emotionally supporting them instead of women. However if a women were to complain that the men in her life do not want to listen to her feelings, he would do the exact opposite. Instead of saying the women should go to her girlfriends for emotional support instead of her boyfriend he would blame the boyfriend and toxic masculinity and say that men need to be more emotionally supportive of women. Most mainstream psychologist are not capable of treating men and women like equals, they pathologically think that men are the problem and the actions of women should never even be considered at all. Its actually misogynistic as well because it treats women like there behavior and the way they treat people does not have an impact and does not matter. In reality women should be just as emotionally supportive as men are, if a women is complaining about you being emotionally open to her then she does not deserve to be in your life and you deserve better then her.
Exactly the same question
I don't think he's saying that being emotionally vulnerable with your partner is bad, he's saying that ONLY being emotionally vulnerable with your partner is usually bad. Basically everyone needs a network of emotionally connected relationships and if one of those relationships falls apart, you have plenty of support to lean on!
I was thinking something along the same lines, only for me it was "this will strengthen MGTOW"
Another thing that he points out in other videos is that friendships are equal to (not less than) romantic relationships. If friendships are seen as less than then not having a romantic relationship means you have a scarcity in your life but when you see a healthy friendship group as equal to a romantic involvement you are no long in scarcity mindset and don't have to be desperate to get into or to keep a bad relationship. Plus a strong friend group is a great source of finding partners that fit you better.
I hope this makes sense.
Meditation really helps with anger. I started with Sam Harris’ 10 minute mindfulness meditation. I grew up around women and have always been able to talk to other men about problems. The hard part is them being open to talk about their problems.
Really enjoyed this talk. I believe everything said makes sense and I loved several references. Specially the cave bros
Watching this in my worse day of my life.. this video will be really helpful
Hope it gets better for you, man
🖤
It'll get better soon brother, trust
What happened bro?
People often forget the us vs them mentality is not men vs women, but people vs the way society has been developed
@overlordfemto7523Can you tell me more?
I found this video interesting because as I was listening I actually made a crucial connection. My experience has been inverted. I've been blessed with amazing male friends that have always supported me emotionally
Omg i didn't know dr. K could do domain exansion. I'm already subscribed, but i did like.
very important
Highly successful people have this problem as well. They're used to hearing things like "You're rich (or tall, or handsome, etc). How could you possibly understand what it's like to have real difficulties?"
Yeah sorry, but I don't feel bad for those people at all. They've already done something terrifying (in my eyes) and been rewarded by society for it.
@@kwyatt261 successful people have all done something terrifying? That's interesting.
They can cry themselves to sleep in their mansion.
@@Dave-um7mw That's what hatred does. It's not a rational, but as unconditional as love...
I approach friendships as a continuous transaction of value. I get value from my friends in the form of quality time, maybe gifts or having a meal paid but most importantly support. Support when it comes to decisions or just a shoulder to cry on. I try to return that with at least the same or more amount of value. That is how I managed to keep a friendship alive (sometimes over 2000km cuz I moved a lot) without any sort of fight over nine years. Which is half of my life. I love my bro to death and I would walk through hell for him. If you‘re reading this, I love you konstantinos
"We are men, and we have to solve our own problems. This is my always go to before I approach someone". But it is nice to have some inputs that would help me around with my problems
omg I didn't know dr. k could do domain expansion
More Caveman Dr.K. Caveman good. Caveman talk simple. Man can understand.
This is a gold mine of advice. Thank you, Dr. K!
"Empty head is good head". I'm laughing so hard right now. Thanks for the video. Really enjoying it and helping me to pass through a really difficult time of my life
Does anyone have any idea how to talk to a friend who is very self deprecating to the point it makes me feel uncomfortable and is obviously depressed to an extent ( no idea if clinical and not my place to find out anyways) , but I would really like to help him start thinking of himself in a more positive light, because it bothers me. His mindset is really negative and I think it holds him back a lot.
I've been in that same spot as your friend, though I couldn't really tell what I needed at the time. What I can say is that the act of reaching out of your own accord to recognize what they're dealing with is an immense gesture on it's own. They might react negatively because it's hard and embarrassing to admit you have problems like that, but they might come around to you eventually after growing comfortable with it.
You can't really teach someone to love themselves, but you CAN teach someone that they are loved which can go a long way in making someone not think they're as terrible as their thoughts say. SO the best thing you can do is be loving as weird as it sounds. Ask why he says the negative things he says and say you disagree with what he's said. Be more loving in general too, say hey man thank you so much for hanging out, I know you've been down on yourself lately but I need you to know, I think you're a wonderful friend. Etc.
"Treat yourself as if you were someone you are responsible for helping" - Dr JP is one of the best things I have heard to help with this. Self deprecation starts off funny and endearing, but can cause or worsen poor self-image, poor self-confidence, anxiety and depression.
I had a similar relationship with a friend. First I had to accept what about the behavior made me feel uncomfortable. This allows you to offer real help, not help to fix my discomfort.
Then I have found that all I could do was set an example of what healthy self care looks like. Which includes getting the adequate help I need, talking about my own processes of change and growth (not to brag, more of what I am going through), and (gently) not engaging the self depreciating behavior. No allowing for compliment fishing, no arguing that it's not true. I accept what they are saying at what would be it's face value. Like that's what they really believe of themselves, because it might be, and show real concern for their well being and ask if they are getting help for it. There's no controlling other people's behavior but there is doing the best we can to show up for them if they need us. You may be rejected. That's a real possibility. You need to trust you did your best by them if that happens. You can hold your hand out but you can't, and shouldn't, force someone to take it.
I hope this helps.
P.s. for full disclosure the discomfort I had to accept for myself was a secondhand embarrassment of how I would feel if I was trying to get my needs met in such a fashion and the cringe factor was almost overwhelming at first.
"Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills." That's why I have skills .
What kind of skills?
@@Cyhcg5uhgb he plays on his keyboard
Nunchuck skills.
@@mattb9664 mcdojo skills?
@@mattb9664yeah that's pretty sweet... Are you drinking 1% because you think you're fat? Cuz you could drink whole milk if you wanted