If you’re comfortable, would love to hear how married life is treating you and Ben! What are things people need to consider before marriage, how to know when you’re ready to commit, etc. ♥️
I honestly can’t stand people who are constantly talking/gossiping about others. If you do this I’m sorry but we can’t be friends. Why? Because chances are you are also talking about me behind my back and that’s not cool.
That's sooo true! I used to have a friend who gossiped a LOT about other people. Like 70% of our conversations were about others. Turns out, she was gossiping about me and our other friends too
Me too, I don't understand why people do that. Even out of stupidness, not jealousy. It's really tiring for me to hear all this shit I don't even care...such people throw me off
THIS IS SO TRUE I left my circle of my friends in college since 2017 I think..? and my life become easier because I left those who keep gossiping about people I don't even know
*Signs of a good/real friend:* They're genuinely happy for your achievements. They listen to you. They're honest, even when it hurts sometimes. They don't judge or criticize you constantly. They are always there to support you. Basically, you can fully be yourself around them and they have qualities that you appreciate as a human being. Recently mended some of my own friendship problems and distanced myself from fake ass people as well. Never be afraid to confront with your friends and always stay true to yourself! Thank u Jenn for this much-needed vid... :)
My close "friends" would always look uneasy and unhappy for me when I told them good news. Meanwhile, when they told me good news, I would always congratulate them and show them how happy I was for them. Some people just do not want others to do well and that's horrible. Some only want to talk about their own successes and never hear about others doing well. I stopped talking to these "friends."
@@wanderingwithyanvlogs evil began on earth when Satan told the first lie.Satan was originally a perfect angel, but he did not stand fast in the truth.He developed a desire for worship that rightly belongs to God. Satan lied to the first woman Eve, and persuaded her too obey him instead of God.Adam joined Eve in disobeying God.Adams decision led to suffering and death.When Satan suggested that Eve disobey God, he was starting a rebellion against God's sovereignty, or position as most high.The majority of mankind have joined Satan in rejecting God as ruler.Thus, Satan has become ruler of the world
May top three qualities in a friend are: -feeling good and inspired after a meetup -i can be freely myself and talk about my interests -they give me honest advices and stay by my side
This self improvement content is what I love about Jenn, you really took improving your life VERY seriously and the growth is so clear- I'm here to learn.
I can’t be around people that are constantly comparing themselves to you. Like you can tell them about something good that happened to you or that you got a new job or something and instead of being happy for you, they get jealous and bitter. That’s why I tend to keep my happiness to myself lately. Another thing is friends that constantly have to brag about themselves. Like yes I’ll always be happy for you but theirs something where you can just tell that they’re trying to make themselves seem like they’re better than you.
When you talked about a “friend” being selfish, A person I used to hang out with immediately came to mind. Me and this friend had so much fun, we laughed all the time, she was always down to go grab a drink or try a new food spot. But after time I realized I was starting to feel really down when I was around her. Not only that, but my family saw a difference in my attitude. It didn’t take me long to realize that she was the one who was creating this effect. All she did was criticize others, throw a pitty party for herself and I constantly felt like I needed to make her happy, she always had to one-up me regardless of the fact if it was good or bad, and when I ever came to her with good news or an accomplishment of my own she was vehemently negative. And the worst part was, her ideas and thoughts made me question my own. No matter what it was, her outlook brought me down and hanging out was not fun anymore. We eventually faded off the friendship. Don’t get me wrong, I sometimes miss her, the good times of course. But I had realized that my mental health and happiness is important too.
Looking through the comments, a lot of people had terrible experiences with their friends. Making friends is hard too because it’s just so hard to connect! 🥺 Really hope everybody will be able to meet a real person this year. 💖🙏🏼
I think my biggest dealbreaker in a friendship would be treating your friend as your own personal therapist without some level of reciprocity. I love to help my friends out and be there for them, but when it becomes one sided, that's when I have to leave. It's really sad when you listen to your friends vent and try to get them through a rough patch and they won't do the same for you.
For real. Told a friend I have been there for years, listening to all her problems etc that I was struggling in the pandemic. She responded with "I don't have the emotional bandwidth to hear anyone's problems or care." I left her alone after that and she hasn't reached out for 6 months.
The “being heard” one really strikes the stone for me. It’s such a hard one to notice! It began more as a vague feeling of dissatisfaction for me. I think-as someone who’s always put the energy into listening to people-something that catches me off guard in a positive way is when people ask for more or express interest in what I have to say. It kind of gives me this sense of significance that I tend to lack. 😅
I agree! Because it's something that gradually dawns on you the longer you spend with a person, rather than something you would immediately notice, like for example whether a person is loud or quiet. Slowly you begin to realise you feel dissatisfied after spending time with that person. And worst of all, at that point you're probably "in too deep" with the person as well haha, so it'll make having that conversation/dropping that friend all the more harder.
growing apart is such a normal thing, people need to be aware of that and be okay with moving on otherwise the friendship can really take over their life in the worst ways possible.
I see a lot of comments of people saying they've recently ended a "_" years friendship. I heavily believe that you can fall out of friendship just like you can fall out of love with a partner. I was friends with someone for 11 years and it just had to end. I finally realized how much I grew and matured. then I noticed how terrible of a friend this person was that it literally destroyed my mental health. it was a rough time losing this person but it was the best choice in the end. I'm so much happier.
AJonesie good for u ❤️ I am struggling with my friendship. We were more than 7 years. After things changed and people changed, we didn’t like before. I’ve been leaving for a while to consider if that relationship is really worth for me. But seems like, when I was leaving, they didn’t care. So I should be happy because I reduce some unnecessary people around me. I just want to share a little bit of that :)))
@@nhd.tran22 thank you. 😭 it's really hard to let go but in the end it feels so freeing. like a weight is lifted off your chest. good luck with everything. ❤ (my name is also Anna 😁)
Same for me, thats why I have started vlogging. I dont have any friends too since like forever. At the beginning it was hard to cope with the loneliness but now I feel better but sometimes depressed, but learnt to deal with it.
So much of this really struck a cord with me! I'm 23, done with school and I realized after taking a step back that a lot of the relationships i made in Uni... well, they weren't genuine. Sometimes we pour a lot of effort into relationships that other people dont want to meet you halfway with and that can be very exhausting. Plus, now that I've realized this it's tough trying to start over and make new friends when you're still trying to adjust and get yourself out there in the adulting world. If anyone relates I'd love to know!
@@kris3200 yes seriously! it's hard to make friends outside of your original circle of college/highschool group..esp if you work in a place of mostly older adults who are married/have kids..also I'm from CA :)
-Friends who don’t make comparisons, -Friends who are not judgemental about things in your life that are our of your control -Friends who understand the importance of being organized so events and plans can happen -Friends who make you feel young and lighthearted so you are distracted from the hard times in life
Damn you touched on so many points that I’ve recently been through. I understand it’s better for the friendship to end, but when you thought that person was going to be in your life forever...it’s just so sad. I used to imagine them being at my wedding, when we both had kids, etc. Then somehow our friendship just got so toxic and now idk if it’s worth it to reach out anymore...
this 100% I thought they'd be in my life forever and the friendship was over 7 years old but it slowly got so toxic, so slowly I didn't realize it I had got to such a negatively impacting place until it was too late and now it ended so abruptly and I'm torn as to whether I should reach out because on the one hand I'm out of a toxic relationship but on the other hand they genuinely aren't a bad person and I feel so bad about how it ended and i thought we'd be friends forever and maybe the friendship can be salvaged with new boundaries. It's a weird place to be in
david zar I’m 100% in the same place as you, how crazy man. I feel exactly like you do. In a way you’re free from that toxicity, yet they meant so much to you and you’ve been through so much together...it’s hard to let go. Idk though every time I talk to other friends about it they tell me I shouldn’t bother anymore, but I won’t lie. I’m sad and I miss them. Yet I wasn’t happy when we were friends....so what now? 😞
I feel you, Jenn. Your advice are all so relatable! I am a very very private person. I rarely share anything. Even photos! Now... I’m at the point of my life where I feel like whenever I talk (which is rarely), I am not that confident in myself especially when a friend I am talking to keeps on dealing with their phone or looking at other places when I speak... It makes me feel like I’m pouring out my soul and nobody’s even there to care. I always have this feeling that I am the one with a problem. But after watching this video, you know, I was able to realize that I don’t need to force anyone to listen. A real friend would be there for me and would sincerely listen.
That means you’re being too dependent on your friend, they are allowed to live their life you know, their not bound to you. You got your life to live too
byunloving not to be harsh but that’s just life, friends are not permanent. They come and go out of your life. Then you make new friends and move on with life 🤷♀️
Totally needed this. I have a group of friends that always say “yeah we should totally meet up soon” but nothing really happened in that 365days. In fact i didnt even need to scroll the chat to see our last convo. 2018,2019,2020 same sentence. Different year. soooo i got real tired
If I take a break from friends using this guideline, I'd lose all my friends, even the ones I value. Somehow Ive learned to accept that my friends have flaws, and if I can afford to stay, I do. I grow with them and its really rewarding. Thanks for these, Jenn!
I feel you on the reaching out. I was always the one who had to make plans to see my friends. Now I've stopped doing that because I got frustrated no one would ever do the same thing for me. However, I ended up with less friends. I'm not sure if it's my fault or theirs.
binniebean i literally have the same issue. But again idk if its because they are waiting on me to make the plans or they just don’t want to hang out :(
I'm in that situation too and no one bothered to ask to hang out. Now I see that they just hang out with our other friends. I would say it's a half and half situation. They get used to us initiating a hang out so they expect us when we have free time to ask if they are down to hang. However, when we aren't getting that reciprocated feeling, it frustrating because it seems we do so much. I think it's the lack of communication that we think and feel about each other in a sort of negative way.
I currently have a friend I’m phasing out of my life. The friendship was starting to get very one sided and they only reached out when they needed something or had a problem, and that was it.
Why is this so relevant rn. A toxicology best friend triangle friendship I had just ended a week ago (one friendship was a year old and the other 7 years old) and now I'm trying to move forward but its gonna be hard , especially befriending new people and reconnecting with other less frequently talked to friends. And when you're "older", I'm 22, it feels even harder starting over but it's ok I'm trying to be positive
david zar Trust me you’ll be so much better in the long run! Im 42 and kept a toxic best friend around until 2 years ago (we were friends since 15yo) & im so much better off now. I’ve reconnected with my friends that I hadn’t been keeping in contact with like I should have because they didn’t get along with her. I feel so much more fulfilled in just these 2 years being around my friends I should have put way more energy into this whole time. Trust me if you feel it now you’ll most likely feel the same way in 20 years just trust your gut feeling ya know❤️ New “real” friends are a great thing in the grand scheme of it all:)
I'm 24 and the past couple of months I have been using Bumble to make new friends in my area and it's been working pretty well! It's definitely possible to start new and make new good healthier friendships - even though it is super rough starting over. It'll get better
I think the biggest asset to friendship for me is empathy, and realizing that we’re both human and that we’ll probably make mistakes, but that doesn’t stop us from being able to forgive, (obviously their are some limits) but I always try to make my friends feel heard and understood, even if I haven’t gone what their going thru, I don’t want them to feel like I’m not taking their issues as seriously as they are
My two cents: People always want something from you. When they don't get that thing, they disappear. If they stay, you know they are friends. I wasn't lucky enough to find friends. As soon they don't get what they want, they leave and ignore me.
I'm so glad you made this video. I have honestly given up on the concept of 'best friend' or 'squad' as I've grown older . I think we all have at least one of the traits you mentioned in the video and one of the most crucial thing you mentioned was how you approached the issue you had with your friend. I've always told my friends to address big issues in our friendship which they saw would affect us in the long run. Unfortunately, a couple of them took this as a permission to criticize me every time I did something wrong. I think we need to practice having these open conversations to ensure both parties feel safe and hopefully it'll actually make the relationship stronger :')
A friend that listens and is honest is huge for me! I'm a very empathetic person, so when I meet other empathetic people it makes me really happy. This video gave me a lot to think about, especially the part about toxic relationships and how it's a 2 way street. I've been going through a relatively tough time and it helps to have a new insight into things. So thank you for this
That disheartened feeling when if I talk and someone isn’t listening, you feel so disconnected and it’s so true, whenever I take the time to listen to others I’d hope that they are there to just talk out my problems as well in a non judgment way
Toxic friends are really the worst thing ever because they kind of drain your energy and it's even worse when they really want to put you down. Like, really, from the bottom of their heart. It isn't just selfishness... it's envy, it's hypocrisy. 2019 was the year I got rid of those kind of people from my life. They really hurt me and made me anxious and sad, it was terrible! I'm not saying we are perfect or that I'm perfect because no one is, but sometimes all the bad vibe these kind of people give to you and in general is too much... Jenn, I loved this video ✨🦋
The relevance of this! I think a friendship of 7 years is changing for me, it's just not the same anymore and although I feel sad about it I just think we're not compatible anymore, I find myself looking for things that annoy me about him but we work together too so it's really hard to keep things separate
That part about listening is so crucial for friendships imo, especially for introverted people. Often when I talk and nobody ends up listening I just shut down but when I find someone who does listen I literally feel so validated !!!
Loved this video so much. Totally agree that “friendships can look like anything”. I’m a flight attendant and I don’t live at where I’m based at. I have friends from all over and I rarely get to see them but when I see them, it’s like we pick up where we left off.
I pushed all of my “friends” away and they stopped trying to pull me back in. I isolated myself but I did it because I felt like I was losing myself because my life revolved around this group of people, like everything was a group decision. I haven’t found any friends since then and it’s been like 3 years now.
Its so hard to make new friends as an adult. The way I made new ones to starting new sports or activities. Making an effort to befriend people at work or the coffee shop I go to everyday. Its hard and takes time.
A good and true friend is one who: - Listens, even when I'm at my worst - Tries to understand me - Respects me - One who definitely encourages me - One I can actually have a deep conversation with about life and anything - Accepts me for who I am - And the list goes on... One particular "friend" I've been thinking of lately, was one who I had the hardest time considering whether or not to make her a bridesmaid. I recently got married about 5 months ago, and I took this friend and others along with me to try on wedding dresses. At the time, I did not tell everyone who I was going to choose to be my bridesmaids, and I'm glad everyone was willing to make the travel for me. But months later, in one conversation, the "friend" was checking up on me, and I vented to her about the wedding struggles. But her one response that hit me the hardest was, "Wow...you're sooo stressed out. I'm going to start planning for my future wedding too." ...And at the time, she wasn't even engaged yet, but she told me she's literally already planning. And even during the conversation, I felt like we were never on the same page. Everything that I mentioned seemed like it didn't matter to her, because she couldn't stop talking about her "future wedding." So I finally decided to leave her out as a bridesmaid. Months later, she gets engaged. Now that my wedding is over, I found out that the same "friend," along with her fiancé, her sister, and her friend, had already popped open their bottle of toast even way before the actual toast came. I know, how rude. I haven't talked to the "friend" much after my wedding. But just the other day, she messages me and asks for my opinions of the bridal shop that I had gone to. I have mixed feelings of whether or not I should respond, because I thought she had everything under control since she was so eager to plan for her future wedding, and completely ignored me and left me hanging. I've thought about the ifs: she may have not realized what she had said or made me feel, but still, she was so concerned about herself that she was never there to support me to begin with, and she only tagged along for the ride/experiences for herself. If you've read this far, thank you so much for reading. I'm glad Jenn posted this vid, and creates a community where we're able to vent and encourage one another.
Definitely related to all of your dealbreakers and it actually reminded me of a few friendships I've walked away from in the past for these very reasons. The toxicity is a big one and I truly believe that if you're having a negative affect on one another, then it's within both parties' interests to walk away. One thing which underlies all those dealbreakers, at least for me, is respect. The moment I don't feel that I am being respected for my choices, my values, my opinions etc then it makes me start to reevaluate everything.
I've never realized how affected I was by a critical person. I was friends with them for years and I had listened to their analyzing of our friends and always thought it was just out of concern but I've come to realize it comes from a nasty toxic place. For example my one friend was working a highly stressful job and lost a lot of weight, rather than comfort her the friend would accuse her of an eating disorder and talk shit behind her back. I remember one time she wouldn't let us get a plastic grocery bag but we had tons of stuff to carry so I snuck one hoping she wouldn't notice, she screamed at me like a child and refused to talk to me for hours. It ruined the night over a fucking grocery bag. What u gotta realize is all of those criticisms that you hear about your friends, they are being discussed behind your back as well. Critical people also have no ability to accept that they are wrong/ have hurt your feelings..... always better to just give up on them bc you will never please them.
This is so timely and relevant! Last year, I cut off toxic friends. I haven't met new and healthy people as of the moment, but I look forward to meeting them! All of the deal breakers are also so relatable. No to toxic relationships 2020!!
I keep coming back to this video. I had a really rough past year and went through a big friend breakup. I've known her since 7th grade and had a major part of my life. She was someone I felt comfortable telling everything and anything to. But something happened a while back and it was eating up at me since I hadn't told anyone yet, but after I confided in her she saw me in a different light and we would bicker about it a lot. She couldn't wrap her head around my thought process, my fear and she was upset I didn't handle the situation the way she would have wanted or "the right way." I don't like feeling vulnerable and I put a tough happy front in front of most of my friends and I think that was the first real-time I was really vulnerable with her..which hurts even more. And though I feel shitty saying this, I was always there for her- through her highs and lows. But I guess I wasn't as important of a friend to keep for her when I was at my low point. Our friend break-up hit me hard. She was my first friend that had was also half Japanese, growing up in a predominately white area and then going to a super diverse middle school really changed my worldview. She made me go from hating bringing bento boxes to school as lunch to loving my culture. Anyways, sorry this turned into a really long drawn-out emotional spiel, but I've been a proud subscriber since 2016 when you still went by "clothesencounters," but this video made me cry. Just hearing someone talking about this was just what I needed. There were times I considered if maybe I should text her, but hearing you so confidently say what makes a bad friend and what makes a good friend, gave me the closure that I needed. She was a good friend for those long almost decade-year friendship, but we outgrew each other. As much as I would've loved to be "BFFs" and be friends till we're old gray, that wasn't our story. She seems good, there's no ill will, and I've made some beautiful friendships/grew my preexisting ones stronger. So in the end, maybe it was exactly what I needed and I guess I lose a friend, gain a friend. I hope you make more videos like these! A forever Jenn supporter! Love from Boston :)
This video and these comments are so cathartic. Sometimes I worry I'm the only one who went through a toxic friendship that lasted several years and that it really set me back socially. Y'all are helping me see the lessons that I've learned from going through it (and that I'm more than my failed relationships) and that sometimes, bad friendships just happen to good people.
Jenn!! I'm Korean, living in Korea and I really like you talking abt these stuffs!! it's just so amazing that on the other side of the earth, there's a korean american like you😍 wish you upload these kinds of videos more often!! love you so much!!😘😘❤
I was just talking to a few friends about the importance of staying connected whether it’s a text or a quick chat over coffee. Quality time is important to me. This video was excellent as were the graphics!! 👌🏾
Out of all your chatty GRWM videos, this one is probably my fave, if not a top fave! I feel like I'm the type of friend who isn't scared to speak up or be honest in my friendships and someone who tries their best to have time for people. I think it's important to remember that friendship is a two way street and to really think about both yourself and your friends perspectives/insights/ideas/feelings, etc in your relationship.
I’ve come to realize that having something to learn from the other person is extremely important to me in a friendship. Otherwise the communication feels like a waste of time tbh. Not talking about them being booksmart but i feel like i just can’t have a genuine connection with someone who doesn’t have some ideas to share, even if it’s about the smallest things. And of course qualities like being a good listener, sincerity, honesty
I have learned throughout the years that for me loyalty, honesty, being happy for each other and being able to be myself around the person is the most important thing for me. And I'm so thankful that I have all of that, that's all I need 💜
I really wish I had a friend like you. Honestly, most of the time I feel like I don’t even have a best friend.. it makes me sad sometimes.. and then i’ll be blaming myself for that and it’s a vicious cycle
Your sit sown talks are so intimate. I found myself subconsciously nodding my head along with this entire video- and I felt like in several parts you really spoke some wisdom into me. Your heart is made of gold Jenn, and Even though this video is a year old, I find that it gave me some incredible insight about my own life and my own friendships when I’ve needed it the most. It honestly felt like I was having a conversation with you! So incredible. Thank you!
Omg, there's finally a TH-camr talking about friendship! I'm struggling in a toxic relationship (I've noticed it's toxic to me long long ago), but I just can't help, she's very attractive, she has lovely personality that everyone she've met loves being around her. It looks like we're very close coz she calls me or texts me almost every single day, she talks about everything happened in her daily life, I do enjoy being her listener, I comfort her, give advice as much as I can, but there're many times that I feel so energy drained after hours of talking on the phone, because she only talks about herself, she doesn't really care what I've done for her, when I start talking about myself, she would interrupt me and go to the next topic talking about herself. I feel like I'm just a tool, she just need to pour out, she just need a listener. The worst thing that makes me confirm that she doesn't care about me is that when she is with her other close friends, she would just disappear and being very indifferent when I text her, when I need her help, just a little help, she feel very reluctant to help me, but she treats her other close friends much better, she would bring little gifts to her other close friends when she travels, but she has never thought of me or bring anything to me, but I'm the one who's always giving giving and giving. I feel so tired and disappointed at her, but I just can't give up or break up with her, cuz i've done sooo much to build our friendship, to win her trust. You know, the more time and more energy you've devoted to someone or something, the harder for you to give up. I like her as a friend, I don't want to break our friendship, but my heart is in pain.. My other friends don't understand my situation, because they don't put much effort on friendship, but I'm the person who cares friends a lot.
I needed this!! I've been struggling making friends in my law school and fell into a group where I always felt like I was the one out. Lately, I've started to fade myself out of these friends bc they started doing things without me and had a group chat going on the entire last semester, and they had the nerve to act like nothing was going on. I think it's so important to know your value as a friend and that sometimes it's best to just let things fade out for your own sanity and wellbeing.
you just described the toxic relationship i have with a friend, she doesnt listen, she talks about her every chance she gets, its just a burden to me to have all her problems on my shoulders, so i cut it out, and i hope she stops trying to reach out to me because i really need a break from her. thank you for making this video, i always thought i was making it a big deal, but with this i realized she was pulling me down right along with her, making me someone i dont want to be around. thanks jenn!!
Thank you for this Jenn! This year in these four months I lost so many friends, felt so bad about it, and blamed myself. But now I realize I wasn't the bad guy so much as I was thinking I was, and things just don;t work out at times. Love you!
Dear Jenn, Hello 💜 I just wanted to say that u inspire me with being motivational and trying to be positive. Ur one of the youtubers that i watched a lot when i first got my phone! I luv ur editing and how u organize everything that is going around in ur life. U r confident and i luv how u handle stressful things maturely. I luv u and i hope u read this! 💜💜
Thanks for this video. I find this not only applies to friendship but also others relations (family and couples). I totally agree with the feeling heard or listened quality. Being attentive when having a discussion and acknowledging others and vice versa is such a treat. I feel we live in a society in such fast space that we forget simple qualities like this. Very much appreciated this post.
I’m currently at the stage in my life where I’m trying to phase out the toxicity and friends that have let me down. the worst part though is that through this, I’m left with barely anyone to rely on. why is making friends as an adult so hard 😭😭🥺
Making Friends In Adulthood Pro Tip #1: Find something you love to do that takes you outside of your home and that's where you'll find your people. Whether that's a book club, cooking class, language practice meetup, volunteer day, hiking club, trivia night, etc. it's a great way to find quality friends that have similar interests who have also put energy into getting outside of their comfort zone and want to meet new people.
i've been dealing with friendship issues for the past year and this video really made me feel like i wasn't 𝒹𝓊𝓂𝒷 for having a hard time with toxic friendships. i'm glad you mentioned the whole reaching out concept because a lot of people don't like confrontation and it made me feel better that you brought up that concept because i've been so scared to talk about how little my friends intiate, i've had people become so defensive and say they're really busy and i never want them to get upset
Hi Jenn! I actually prefer these types of GRWMs where there's more of you talking about whatever topic you're addressing compared to you talking about what products you're using. I think this is a better balance and I'd love to hear more about your opinions on topics!
We have the same values in regards with friendships.... Especially the exchanging of bare souls and genuine sincerity for each other. I have to acknowledge that i am so bless to found friends who got those qualities and treasuring them for life
I just cut out a very deep friendship on my birthday yesterday, because it was too one-sided. I realized that because she didn't congratulate me, but had the time to put several Instagram stories. When I checked back into our texts, I noticed that it was always me reaching out. Reaching out when her grandma died, reaching out when she reached a youtube milestone, reaching out whenever she would've posted something sad on Instagram etc. but she would never reach out to me. It was really hard because I really valued our talks and thought we had a connection, but I realized yesterday that I don't matter in her life at all and whenever I would reach out, it felt like she had to answer because she HAD to. I feel really sad and I still catch myself checking out her Instagram (so stupid, I know) to see how she's doing, but I really want to learn how to let go. I also feel like, if I were to talk to her about my feelings, she would disregard them and blame it on her busy schedule (as always) :(
Connection is built through trust, patience, and and open mind. Trust is super important in any relationship, but I find that that is especially the case in friendships which could be long-lasting. Building that trust takes time so patience is also key. I love my friends for being open-minded and definitely another trait I seek in others. A major deal breaker for me is lying. I have a difficult time connecting with fake people, and not something I want to hold onto.
Jen can I just say thank you so much for saying “it’s not a matter of hate, it’s a matter of incompatibility” because that statement has made me so much more compassionate in my past friendships AND relationships and I overall feel more at peace and lighter at heart knowing it’s not such a negative situation, but just a mismatch
As a 23-year old, I started to evaluate the relationships I have with other people. Something that happened to me this year made me reflect on myself (because I obviously have my fair share of negligence and mistakes) and to the people I surround myself with. It got to a point where I realized I've been doing too much to make the friendship good as it is but oh God, it drains the hell out of me. The worst part is that they misunderstood me and didn't even bother to talk directly to me to fix the problem. They just went on with our other common friends talking ill about me. I was just surprised because I had zero idea. I just felt them being very distant from me. So now, I've made a mental note to reciprocate the energy I'm receiving as well. it's hard to be a good and loyal friend when it's just one-sided. You're just placing yourself in a rabbit hole of guilt and self-doubt. This is such a nice content Jenn!
As a college student, I roomed with my previous best friend and realized how toxic the relationship was due to our cultural differences and her tendency to reject my ideas. Whenever I tried to discuss my thoughts to her, she would ignore it and say I should be the one to change. We have been friends since high school and I never thought anything bad of her until I wasn't allowed to leave our shared room without telling her and I couldn't eat without her. In the sense, she tried to control every part of me and wanted to know every little detail. If I forgot to tell her anything, she would get upset and believe that I was leaving her. I think friendships should not be based on time duration regardless of how long you have known them. They should be based on respect and meeting each other in the middle.
Jenn, you are always keeping it real and generous with your insights.🙌🏻 Yes, I’m feeling more “resentful.” I needed this so much. It validates my pre-decision. It’s so stressful and unhealthy continuing to make a friendship work that involves a lot of gaslighting.
The feeling heard part is such an important thing!!! I struggle with the feeling of not being heard but I also know that I need to work on listening as well!!!! So true and I know everyone needs to hear this
this couldn't have come at a more perfect time, i think its time i have "the talk" with one of my friends. i hope it ends the way it did with your friend and we get through it!
I’ve realised that not even people who are gossiping but also comes across bubbly but when you listen to them everything they say is a lot of complaints and they wouldn’t want to listen to your advice. It’s whole lot of negativity and I realised I ain’t need them. Every time whenever I met those who complaints a lot, I get so emotionally exhausted.
2019 was a year of explosions for me when it came to friendships... some betrayed my trust, one died, & the rest just phased out of my life. It all kinda made me not want to bother having friends anymore 😞
So glad I came across this video! I couldn't agree more on what you said about toxic friendships go both ways. I've realized how petty and resentful I feel towards this one person which is super unhealthy. I'm trying to accept that it is okay to prioritize my own wellbeing over worrying about the other person's feelings because the truth is we can't please everyone and that's life!
I literally just an hour ago broke off a very toxic years long friendship that should’ve ended a long time ago, and I wanted to unwind with some TH-cam. This was the first video recommended! Perfect timing ❤️
I really appreciate that you posted this video! I recently had to let go of a friend of several years, and hearing you speak about what you didn't want in a friendship (people who didn't put in the effort to listen to you, who criticized much too often, etc.) really helped me to feel good about my decision.
yesss, i feel like the friend talk is harder than a relationship talk bc you don’t know exactly how invested they are in the friendship. like it feels like they might judge me for having such a serious conversation!
I had a friend who I’ve known since childhood who was always very critical of me and made me feel dumb. I’m pretty clumsy so there are a lot of times where I’d almost eat shit after not looking where I was going; and I’d tell that friend about it because I figured it’d be funny to talk about. That friend would immediately judge me instead of laughing it off with me. I know it doesn’t sound that serious but this would be a frequent occurrence. I’m a pretty goofy person so I have a lot of silly stories, but it was never received well from that friend. I’ve called them out on it before & I distanced myself so I could breathe. In the rare occasion they’d felt bad for their actions they’d try to give me food as a peace offering or talk to me like nothing happened but never apologized. Since we were childhood friends, our mothers were very close as well. The final straw is when they had told their mother one of my deepest secrets, and of course that got passed on to my mother. I’m pretty closed off with my mother so I was absolutely mortified. I distanced myself again. This friend tried making amends by getting me a gift come christmas time, but again, never apologized. We are no longer friends & I haven’t talked to this person for about 5-6 years.
Thank you for speaking up about this. I had to evaluate some friendships around the time I got married and I saw all the red flags you mentioned. I also love that you pointed out that sometimes you're the toxic friend. One person isn't always entirely to blame. Great stuff Jenn. Been following you for a long time and these videos feel like we're just catching up:)
it's funny how these kinds of videos come out just when you need them. at the start of the year, i had a falling out with a friend of mine and we are no longer friends. it wasn't as though we were overtly toxic to each other, in fact, i really thought we would be great friends forever. but the both of us actually secretly held small resentments against each other which eventually caused us to explode at each other. breaking up with a friend is not easy and hearing you talk about this topic helps me to come to turns with the end of one of my greatest friendships
I've been avoiding some friends literally because of all the reasons you gave maybe excluding criticism and I felt horrible about it cause I felt I was being unfair to them but now I'm thinking maybe it's the best this way.
I appreciate how you combined something as trivial as putting on makeup with such a deep valuable talk on important topic. Its relaxing and thought-provoking at the same time!
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I hope everyone is enjoying this chatty GRWM! ☺︎ What are some other subjects you guys would like me to dive into next?
ahhhh you're so well spoken :)
Things you do when you are not in a good mood. Loving this honest chatts , have a nice week Jenn 💕
If you’re comfortable, would love to hear how married life is treating you and Ben! What are things people need to consider before marriage, how to know when you’re ready to commit, etc. ♥️
Self esteem! ❤️
OMG JENN! YOU SHOULD TOTALLY DO A JEWELRY COLLECTION!!
Please make more of these types of videos, Jenn. Making friends as an adult is so difficult, especially when you're an introvert.
Yes!
yea it's so hard, i know lots of ppl but no super close friends😥
OMG HI?! I LOVE YOUR VIDEOS
And if you're an introvert with social anxiety and asperger :')
Yes! Struggled this for the longest
I honestly can’t stand people who are constantly talking/gossiping about others. If you do this I’m sorry but we can’t be friends. Why? Because chances are you are also talking about me behind my back and that’s not cool.
That's sooo true! I used to have a friend who gossiped a LOT about other people. Like 70% of our conversations were about others. Turns out, she was gossiping about me and our other friends too
Me too, I don't understand why people do that. Even out of stupidness, not jealousy. It's really tiring for me to hear all this shit I don't even care...such people throw me off
Very true.
Not even about others, specifically people they hang out with and continue to hang out with even after talking about them... very shady.
THIS IS SO TRUE I left my circle of my friends in college since 2017 I think..? and my life become easier because I left those who keep gossiping about people I don't even know
*Signs of a good/real friend:*
They're genuinely happy for your achievements.
They listen to you.
They're honest, even when it hurts sometimes.
They don't judge or criticize you constantly.
They are always there to support you.
Basically, you can fully be yourself around them and they have qualities that you appreciate as a human being. Recently mended some of my own friendship problems and distanced myself from fake ass people as well. Never be afraid to confront with your friends and always stay true to yourself! Thank u Jenn for this much-needed vid... :)
I totally agree with you on these signs!
I find it hardest to find friends that can be honest with you too.
Precisely!
My close "friends" would always look uneasy and unhappy for me when I told them good news. Meanwhile, when they told me good news, I would always congratulate them and show them how happy I was for them. Some people just do not want others to do well and that's horrible. Some only want to talk about their own successes and never hear about others doing well. I stopped talking to these "friends."
Same here, and I'm still friends with that person for some reason
girl same! Now I only hype people who hype me back!!
Good call!
I'm happy you cut them out. A woman who knows her worth doesn't need trash in their life.
Really true..
The hardest breakup is when you have to breakup with a friend
I agree. );
Also when they've done things for you but spiritually just aren't there for you.
Preach it my friend
@@wanderingwithyanvlogs evil began on earth when Satan told the first lie.Satan was originally a perfect angel, but he did not stand fast in the truth.He developed a desire for worship that rightly belongs to God. Satan lied to the first woman Eve, and persuaded her too obey him instead of God.Adam joined Eve in disobeying God.Adams decision led to suffering and death.When Satan suggested that Eve disobey God, he was starting a rebellion against God's sovereignty, or position as most high.The majority of mankind have joined Satan in rejecting God as ruler.Thus, Satan has become ruler of the world
agree and i still cant over the fact i am not friends with that person
May top three qualities in a friend are:
-feeling good and inspired after a meetup
-i can be freely myself and talk about my interests
-they give me honest advices and stay by my side
"it's not a matter of hatred but it's a matter of incompatibility", well said.
This self improvement content is what I love about Jenn, you really took improving your life VERY seriously and the growth is so clear- I'm here to learn.
Ai-Lin that’s what i call quality content
Ai-Lin YES
I can’t be around people that are constantly comparing themselves to you. Like you can tell them about something good that happened to you or that you got a new job or something and instead of being happy for you, they get jealous and bitter. That’s why I tend to keep my happiness to myself lately.
Another thing is friends that constantly have to brag about themselves. Like yes I’ll always be happy for you but theirs something where you can just tell that they’re trying to make themselves seem like they’re better than you.
I have a friend like this /: ugh i can relate
i totally agree about it!!!
I know,same.
Ikr those types of people are the worst :(
When you talked about a “friend” being selfish, A person I used to hang out with immediately came to mind.
Me and this friend had so much fun, we laughed all the time, she was always down to go grab a drink or try a new food spot. But after time I realized I was starting to feel really down when I was around her. Not only that, but my family saw a difference in my attitude. It didn’t take me long to realize that she was the one who was creating this effect. All she did was criticize others, throw a pitty party for herself and I constantly felt like I needed to make her happy, she always had to one-up me regardless of the fact if it was good or bad, and when I ever came to her with good news or an accomplishment of my own she was vehemently negative. And the worst part was, her ideas and thoughts made me question my own. No matter what it was, her outlook brought me down and hanging out was not fun anymore.
We eventually faded off the friendship. Don’t get me wrong, I sometimes miss her, the good times of course. But I had realized that my mental health and happiness is important too.
Just curious. Do you miss her, or do you miss the memories?
xJoy Heartsx good point...definitely the memories
I'm glad you choose apart with her, you prioritize a right thing! Sending lots of love 💞
Omg i can relate 100% with your comment!
Looking through the comments, a lot of people had terrible experiences with their friends. Making friends is hard too because it’s just so hard to connect! 🥺 Really hope everybody will be able to meet a real person this year. 💖🙏🏼
I think my biggest dealbreaker in a friendship would be treating your friend as your own personal therapist without some level of reciprocity.
I love to help my friends out and be there for them, but when it becomes one sided, that's when I have to leave. It's really sad when you listen to your friends vent and try to get them through a rough patch and they won't do the same for you.
Janisha Morais me either :((((
For real. Told a friend I have been there for years, listening to all her problems etc that I was struggling in the pandemic. She responded with "I don't have the emotional bandwidth to hear anyone's problems or care." I left her alone after that and she hasn't reached out for 6 months.
@@izzylooks4078 good for u she's selfish . You deserve good genuine friends .
The “being heard” one really strikes the stone for me. It’s such a hard one to notice! It began more as a vague feeling of dissatisfaction for me. I think-as someone who’s always put the energy into listening to people-something that catches me off guard in a positive way is when people ask for more or express interest in what I have to say. It kind of gives me this sense of significance that I tend to lack. 😅
I agree! Because it's something that gradually dawns on you the longer you spend with a person, rather than something you would immediately notice, like for example whether a person is loud or quiet. Slowly you begin to realise you feel dissatisfied after spending time with that person. And worst of all, at that point you're probably "in too deep" with the person as well haha, so it'll make having that conversation/dropping that friend all the more harder.
growing apart is such a normal thing, people need to be aware of that and be okay with moving on otherwise the friendship can really take over their life in the worst ways possible.
I see a lot of comments of people saying they've recently ended a "_" years friendship. I heavily believe that you can fall out of friendship just like you can fall out of love with a partner. I was friends with someone for 11 years and it just had to end. I finally realized how much I grew and matured. then I noticed how terrible of a friend this person was that it literally destroyed my mental health. it was a rough time losing this person but it was the best choice in the end. I'm so much happier.
AJonesie good for u ❤️ I am struggling with my friendship. We were more than 7 years. After things changed and people changed, we didn’t like before. I’ve been leaving for a while to consider if that relationship is really worth for me. But seems like, when I was leaving, they didn’t care. So I should be happy because I reduce some unnecessary people around me. I just want to share a little bit of that :)))
@@nhd.tran22 thank you. 😭 it's really hard to let go but in the end it feels so freeing. like a weight is lifted off your chest. good luck with everything. ❤ (my name is also Anna 😁)
AJonesie thank you 😍
i don't have any friends for like 5 years now. i don't know why, but a lot of times i don't feel connected to people
Same
I related to this too much 🥺
I can be your friend!!
Story of my life!!
Same for me, thats why I have started vlogging. I dont have any friends too since like forever. At the beginning it was hard to cope with the loneliness but now I feel better but sometimes depressed, but learnt to deal with it.
So much of this really struck a cord with me! I'm 23, done with school and I realized after taking a step back that a lot of the relationships i made in Uni... well, they weren't genuine. Sometimes we pour a lot of effort into relationships that other people dont want to meet you halfway with and that can be very exhausting. Plus, now that I've realized this it's tough trying to start over and make new friends when you're still trying to adjust and get yourself out there in the adulting world. If anyone relates I'd love to know!
Kristi Cee meeee! where are you from?
@@thekristineway NYC!! Glad someone can relate
I’m 22 and I totally relate
Kristi Cee I so relate ! From Australia :)
@@kris3200 yes seriously! it's hard to make friends outside of your original circle of college/highschool group..esp if you work in a place of mostly older adults who are married/have kids..also I'm from CA :)
-Friends who don’t make comparisons,
-Friends who are not judgemental about things in your life that are our of your control
-Friends who understand the importance of being organized so events and plans can happen
-Friends who make you feel young and lighthearted so you are distracted from the hard times in life
Damn you touched on so many points that I’ve recently been through. I understand it’s better for the friendship to end, but when you thought that person was going to be in your life forever...it’s just so sad. I used to imagine them being at my wedding, when we both had kids, etc. Then somehow our friendship just got so toxic and now idk if it’s worth it to reach out anymore...
Wowwww I'm thinking the same now!!😂
this 100% I thought they'd be in my life forever and the friendship was over 7 years old but it slowly got so toxic, so slowly I didn't realize it I had got to such a negatively impacting place until it was too late and now it ended so abruptly and I'm torn as to whether I should reach out because on the one hand I'm out of a toxic relationship but on the other hand they genuinely aren't a bad person and I feel so bad about how it ended and i thought we'd be friends forever and maybe the friendship can be salvaged with new boundaries. It's a weird place to be in
david zar I’m 100% in the same place as you, how crazy man. I feel exactly like you do. In a way you’re free from that toxicity, yet they meant so much to you and you’ve been through so much together...it’s hard to let go. Idk though every time I talk to other friends about it they tell me I shouldn’t bother anymore, but I won’t lie. I’m sad and I miss them. Yet I wasn’t happy when we were friends....so what now? 😞
Deborah Khaw it’s crazy how many people are going through the same shit as you 🧐 life baffles me lol
@@ktwanders2813 it's a good thing though! We are not alone in all thus:)
I feel you, Jenn. Your advice are all so relatable! I am a very very private person. I rarely share anything. Even photos! Now... I’m at the point of my life where I feel like whenever I talk (which is rarely), I am not that confident in myself especially when a friend I am talking to keeps on dealing with their phone or looking at other places when I speak... It makes me feel like I’m pouring out my soul and nobody’s even there to care. I always have this feeling that I am the one with a problem. But after watching this video, you know, I was able to realize that I don’t need to force anyone to listen. A real friend would be there for me and would sincerely listen.
I agree. I enjoyed your talk about this topic. Love how you were able to make it light even though the topic is kinda heavy.
Dealbreaker for me is when my friend gets a bf and then no longer remembers I exist
byunloving happened to me too and I felt so abandoned 😢 it was like breaking up with a friend
i’m literally in this situation now and it sucks
That means you’re being too dependent on your friend, they are allowed to live their life you know, their not bound to you. You got your life to live too
sweetdreams001 Tea not being dependent but don’t just drop and completely ignore all your friends once you get a bf?
byunloving not to be harsh but that’s just life, friends are not permanent. They come and go out of your life. Then you make new friends and move on with life 🤷♀️
Totally needed this. I have a group of friends that always say “yeah we should totally meet up soon” but nothing really happened in that 365days. In fact i didnt even need to scroll the chat to see our last convo. 2018,2019,2020 same sentence. Different year. soooo i got real tired
Feels
I totally get it.
If I take a break from friends using this guideline, I'd lose all my friends, even the ones I value. Somehow Ive learned to accept that my friends have flaws, and if I can afford to stay, I do. I grow with them and its really rewarding. Thanks for these, Jenn!
Well for me:
1) being heard
2) everytime I hangout with someone, I don’t feel shitty about myself but feel liberated instead
3) can make me laugh
My two cents on friendship: good friends make you into a better person.
I feel you on the reaching out. I was always the one who had to make plans to see my friends. Now I've stopped doing that because I got frustrated no one would ever do the same thing for me. However, I ended up with less friends. I'm not sure if it's my fault or theirs.
binniebean i literally have the same issue. But again idk if its because they are waiting on me to make the plans or they just don’t want to hang out :(
I'm in that situation too and no one bothered to ask to hang out. Now I see that they just hang out with our other friends. I would say it's a half and half situation. They get used to us initiating a hang out so they expect us when we have free time to ask if they are down to hang. However, when we aren't getting that reciprocated feeling, it frustrating because it seems we do so much. I think it's the lack of communication that we think and feel about each other in a sort of negative way.
I totally feel that! I personally think one-sided friendships never end up lasting, so it's best to realize that early
Girl that means they don’t want to be in your life. If you’re the only one making an effort what does that tell you? Stop watering dead plants
Pull a Jenn and tell them how you feel! Maybe there unaware of it!
I love how you just put the products up on the side instead of interrupting your awesome stories by naming the product. Also great video 👍🏻
"Time is a very valuable currency" wow this is going in the list of quotes in my bullet journal
I currently have a friend I’m phasing out of my life. The friendship was starting to get very one sided and they only reached out when they needed something or had a problem, and that was it.
Why is this so relevant rn. A toxicology best friend triangle friendship I had just ended a week ago (one friendship was a year old and the other 7 years old) and now I'm trying to move forward but its gonna be hard , especially befriending new people and reconnecting with other less frequently talked to friends. And when you're "older", I'm 22, it feels even harder starting over but it's ok I'm trying to be positive
david zar Trust me you’ll be so much better in the long run! Im 42 and kept a toxic best friend around until 2 years ago (we were friends since 15yo) & im so much better off now. I’ve reconnected with my friends that I hadn’t been keeping in contact with like I should have because they didn’t get along with her. I feel so much more fulfilled in just these 2 years being around my friends I should have put way more energy into this whole time. Trust me if you feel it now you’ll most likely feel the same way in 20 years just trust your gut feeling ya know❤️ New “real” friends are a great thing in the grand scheme of it all:)
I'm also 22 and i feel like it's hard to find new people but i'm positive on that i'll find new ones ♡
I'm 24 and the past couple of months I have been using Bumble to make new friends in my area and it's been working pretty well! It's definitely possible to start new and make new good healthier friendships - even though it is super rough starting over. It'll get better
I'm in this same exact stage. I'm ready to move on forward
I think the biggest asset to friendship for me is empathy, and realizing that we’re both human and that we’ll probably make mistakes, but that doesn’t stop us from being able to forgive, (obviously their are some limits) but I always try to make my friends feel heard and understood, even if I haven’t gone what their going thru, I don’t want them to feel like I’m not taking their issues as seriously as they are
My two cents:
People always want something from you. When they don't get that thing, they disappear. If they stay, you know they are friends.
I wasn't lucky enough to find friends. As soon they don't get what they want, they leave and ignore me.
Mjo Costa 100% feel you on this one. Such a crappy feeling it leaves you with
my dad always told me, in order to want friends, you need to buy them...it's crazy how it's true and you realize that so many people are sheep
I'm so glad you made this video. I have honestly given up on the concept of 'best friend' or 'squad' as I've grown older . I think we all have at least one of the traits you mentioned in the video and one of the most crucial thing you mentioned was how you approached the issue you had with your friend. I've always told my friends to address big issues in our friendship which they saw would affect us in the long run. Unfortunately, a couple of them took this as a permission to criticize me every time I did something wrong. I think we need to practice having these open conversations to ensure both parties feel safe and hopefully it'll actually make the relationship stronger :')
A friend that listens and is honest is huge for me! I'm a very empathetic person, so when I meet other empathetic people it makes me really happy. This video gave me a lot to think about, especially the part about toxic relationships and how it's a 2 way street. I've been going through a relatively tough time and it helps to have a new insight into things. So thank you for this
That disheartened feeling when if I talk and someone isn’t listening, you feel so disconnected and it’s so true, whenever I take the time to listen to others I’d hope that they are there to just talk out my problems as well in a non judgment way
A general rule for pointing things out to a friend(like a stain, something in their teeth etc): if it cant be fixed in five minutes, dont say anything
Breaking up with a friend is one of the hardest time...but sometimes we need it to love ourself
Toxic friends are really the worst thing ever because they kind of drain your energy and it's even worse when they really want to put you down. Like, really, from the bottom of their heart. It isn't just selfishness... it's envy, it's hypocrisy. 2019 was the year I got rid of those kind of people from my life. They really hurt me and made me anxious and sad, it was terrible! I'm not saying we are perfect or that I'm perfect because no one is, but sometimes all the bad vibe these kind of people give to you and in general is too much... Jenn, I loved this video ✨🦋
The relevance of this! I think a friendship of 7 years is changing for me, it's just not the same anymore and although I feel sad about it I just think we're not compatible anymore, I find myself looking for things that annoy me about him but we work together too so it's really hard to keep things separate
That part about listening is so crucial for friendships imo, especially for introverted people. Often when I talk and nobody ends up listening I just shut down but when I find someone who does listen I literally feel so validated !!!
solid advice throughout the entire video!! love you!
Loved this video so much. Totally agree that “friendships can look like anything”. I’m a flight attendant and I don’t live at where I’m based at. I have friends from all over and I rarely get to see them but when I see them, it’s like we pick up where we left off.
I pushed all of my “friends” away and they stopped trying to pull me back in. I isolated myself but I did it because I felt like I was losing myself because my life revolved around this group of people, like everything was a group decision. I haven’t found any friends since then and it’s been like 3 years now.
I can be your friend if you want to!^^
this is me too :(
Its so hard to make new friends as an adult. The way I made new ones to starting new sports or activities. Making an effort to befriend people at work or the coffee shop I go to everyday. Its hard and takes time.
Don't worry, the right people will come to you.
Making friends as an adult is so hard! I feel you Jenn! Anyone here in the comments wanna be friends?! 😂❤️
Me!!! Hehehe
Christina Marie me!!!
Haha we have the same username :)
I’m subscribed to you too!! I love your energy ☺️
Omg someone please @ me lol 😅I need friends!
A good and true friend is one who:
- Listens, even when I'm at my worst
- Tries to understand me
- Respects me
- One who definitely encourages me
- One I can actually have a deep conversation
with about life and anything
- Accepts me for who I am
- And the list goes on...
One particular "friend" I've been thinking of lately, was one who I had the hardest time considering whether or not to make her a bridesmaid. I recently got married about 5 months ago, and I took this friend and others along with me to try on wedding dresses. At the time, I did not tell everyone who I was going to choose to be my bridesmaids, and I'm glad everyone was willing to make the travel for me.
But months later, in one conversation, the "friend" was checking up on me, and I vented to her about the wedding struggles. But her one response that hit me the hardest was, "Wow...you're sooo stressed out. I'm going to start planning for my future wedding too." ...And at the time, she wasn't even engaged yet, but she told me she's literally already planning. And even during the conversation, I felt like we were never on the same page. Everything that I mentioned seemed like it didn't matter to her, because she couldn't stop talking about her "future wedding." So I finally decided to leave her out as a bridesmaid.
Months later, she gets engaged.
Now that my wedding is over, I found out that the same "friend," along with her fiancé, her sister, and her friend, had already popped open their bottle of toast even way before the actual toast came. I know, how rude.
I haven't talked to the "friend" much after my wedding. But just the other day, she messages me and asks for my opinions of the bridal shop that I had gone to. I have mixed feelings of whether or not I should respond, because I thought she had everything under control since she was so eager to plan for her future wedding, and completely ignored me and left me hanging. I've thought about the ifs: she may have not realized what she had said or made me feel, but still, she was so concerned about herself that she was never there to support me to begin with, and she only tagged along for the ride/experiences for herself.
If you've read this far, thank you so much for reading. I'm glad Jenn posted this vid, and creates a community where we're able to vent and encourage one another.
Definitely related to all of your dealbreakers and it actually reminded me of a few friendships I've walked away from in the past for these very reasons. The toxicity is a big one and I truly believe that if you're having a negative affect on one another, then it's within both parties' interests to walk away. One thing which underlies all those dealbreakers, at least for me, is respect. The moment I don't feel that I am being respected for my choices, my values, my opinions etc then it makes me start to reevaluate everything.
I've never realized how affected I was by a critical person. I was friends with them for years and I had listened to their analyzing of our friends and always thought it was just out of concern but I've come to realize it comes from a nasty toxic place. For example my one friend was working a highly stressful job and lost a lot of weight, rather than comfort her the friend would accuse her of an eating disorder and talk shit behind her back. I remember one time she wouldn't let us get a plastic grocery bag but we had tons of stuff to carry so I snuck one hoping she wouldn't notice, she screamed at me like a child and refused to talk to me for hours. It ruined the night over a fucking grocery bag. What u gotta realize is all of those criticisms that you hear about your friends, they are being discussed behind your back as well. Critical people also have no ability to accept that they are wrong/ have hurt your feelings..... always better to just give up on them bc you will never please them.
You said no lies
This is so timely and relevant! Last year, I cut off toxic friends. I haven't met new and healthy people as of the moment, but I look forward to meeting them! All of the deal breakers are also so relatable. No to toxic relationships 2020!!
I keep coming back to this video. I had a really rough past year and went through a big friend breakup. I've known her since 7th grade and had a major part of my life. She was someone I felt comfortable telling everything and anything to. But something happened a while back and it was eating up at me since I hadn't told anyone yet, but after I confided in her she saw me in a different light and we would bicker about it a lot. She couldn't wrap her head around my thought process, my fear and she was upset I didn't handle the situation the way she would have wanted or "the right way." I don't like feeling vulnerable and I put a tough happy front in front of most of my friends and I think that was the first real-time I was really vulnerable with her..which hurts even more. And though I feel shitty saying this, I was always there for her- through her highs and lows. But I guess I wasn't as important of a friend to keep for her when I was at my low point. Our friend break-up hit me hard. She was my first friend that had was also half Japanese, growing up in a predominately white area and then going to a super diverse middle school really changed my worldview. She made me go from hating bringing bento boxes to school as lunch to loving my culture. Anyways, sorry this turned into a really long drawn-out emotional spiel, but I've been a proud subscriber since 2016 when you still went by "clothesencounters," but this video made me cry. Just hearing someone talking about this was just what I needed. There were times I considered if maybe I should text her, but hearing you so confidently say what makes a bad friend and what makes a good friend, gave me the closure that I needed. She was a good friend for those long almost decade-year friendship, but we outgrew each other. As much as I would've loved to be "BFFs" and be friends till we're old gray, that wasn't our story. She seems good, there's no ill will, and I've made some beautiful friendships/grew my preexisting ones stronger. So in the end, maybe it was exactly what I needed and I guess I lose a friend, gain a friend. I hope you make more videos like these! A forever Jenn supporter! Love from Boston :)
This video and these comments are so cathartic. Sometimes I worry I'm the only one who went through a toxic friendship that lasted several years and that it really set me back socially. Y'all are helping me see the lessons that I've learned from going through it (and that I'm more than my failed relationships) and that sometimes, bad friendships just happen to good people.
Jenn!! I'm Korean, living in Korea and I really like you talking abt these stuffs!! it's just so amazing that on the other side of the earth, there's a korean american like you😍 wish you upload these kinds of videos more often!! love you so much!!😘😘❤
I stumbled on your videos during some of my darkest times, and I can't thank you enough. You have helped me grow in more than one way.
I was just talking to a few friends about the importance of staying connected whether it’s a text or a quick chat over coffee. Quality time is important to me.
This video was excellent as were the graphics!! 👌🏾
Out of all your chatty GRWM videos, this one is probably my fave, if not a top fave! I feel like I'm the type of friend who isn't scared to speak up or be honest in my friendships and someone who tries their best to have time for people. I think it's important to remember that friendship is a two way street and to really think about both yourself and your friends perspectives/insights/ideas/feelings, etc in your relationship.
I’ve come to realize that having something to learn from the other person is extremely important to me in a friendship. Otherwise the communication feels like a waste of time tbh. Not talking about them being booksmart but i feel like i just can’t have a genuine connection with someone who doesn’t have some ideas to share, even if it’s about the smallest things. And of course qualities like being a good listener, sincerity, honesty
I have learned throughout the years that for me loyalty, honesty, being happy for each other and being able to be myself around the person is the most important thing for me. And I'm so thankful that I have all of that, that's all I need 💜
I really wish I had a friend like you.
Honestly, most of the time I feel like I don’t even have a best friend.. it makes me sad sometimes.. and then i’ll be blaming myself for that and it’s a vicious cycle
Zara M I agree
I know how you feel
zoe huwi ☹️
Your sit sown talks are so intimate. I found myself subconsciously nodding my head along with this entire video- and I felt like in several parts you really spoke some wisdom into me. Your heart is made of gold Jenn, and Even though this video is a year old, I find that it gave me some incredible insight about my own life and my own friendships when I’ve needed it the most. It honestly felt like I was having a conversation with you! So incredible. Thank you!
Omg, there's finally a TH-camr talking about friendship! I'm struggling in a toxic relationship (I've noticed it's toxic to me long long ago), but I just can't help, she's very attractive, she has lovely personality that everyone she've met loves being around her. It looks like we're very close coz she calls me or texts me almost every single day, she talks about everything happened in her daily life, I do enjoy being her listener, I comfort her, give advice as much as I can, but there're many times that I feel so energy drained after hours of talking on the phone, because she only talks about herself, she doesn't really care what I've done for her, when I start talking about myself, she would interrupt me and go to the next topic talking about herself. I feel like I'm just a tool, she just need to pour out, she just need a listener. The worst thing that makes me confirm that she doesn't care about me is that when she is with her other close friends, she would just disappear and being very indifferent when I text her, when I need her help, just a little help, she feel very reluctant to help me, but she treats her other close friends much better, she would bring little gifts to her other close friends when she travels, but she has never thought of me or bring anything to me, but I'm the one who's always giving giving and giving. I feel so tired and disappointed at her, but I just can't give up or break up with her, cuz i've done sooo much to build our friendship, to win her trust. You know, the more time and more energy you've devoted to someone or something, the harder for you to give up. I like her as a friend, I don't want to break our friendship, but my heart is in pain.. My other friends don't understand my situation, because they don't put much effort on friendship, but I'm the person who cares friends a lot.
We need a Jenn Im podcast!!!!
I needed this!! I've been struggling making friends in my law school and fell into a group where I always felt like I was the one out. Lately, I've started to fade myself out of these friends bc they started doing things without me and had a group chat going on the entire last semester, and they had the nerve to act like nothing was going on. I think it's so important to know your value as a friend and that sometimes it's best to just let things fade out for your own sanity and wellbeing.
THIS IS SO PERFECT I NEEDED THIS RN SO MUCH 😭🙏
you just described the toxic relationship i have with a friend, she doesnt listen, she talks about her every chance she gets, its just a burden to me to have all her problems on my shoulders, so i cut it out, and i hope she stops trying to reach out to me because i really need a break from her. thank you for making this video, i always thought i was making it a big deal, but with this i realized she was pulling me down right along with her, making me someone i dont want to be around. thanks jenn!!
I think I needed this conversation. A lot of friendship-related problems have been affecting me recently. Thank you, Jenn. I appreciate you! 🥰
Thank you for this Jenn! This year in these four months I lost so many friends, felt so bad about it, and blamed myself. But now I realize I wasn't the bad guy so much as I was thinking I was, and things just don;t work out at times. Love you!
Dear Jenn,
Hello 💜
I just wanted to say that u inspire me with being motivational and trying to be positive. Ur one of the youtubers that i watched a lot when i first got my phone! I luv ur editing and how u organize everything that is going around in ur life. U r confident and i luv how u handle stressful things maturely.
I luv u and i hope u read this! 💜💜
Thanks for this video. I find this not only applies to friendship but also others relations (family and couples). I totally agree with the feeling heard or listened quality. Being attentive when having a discussion and acknowledging others and vice versa is such a treat. I feel we live in a society in such fast space that we forget simple qualities like this.
Very much appreciated this post.
I’m currently at the stage in my life where I’m trying to phase out the toxicity and friends that have let me down. the worst part though is that through this, I’m left with barely anyone to rely on. why is making friends as an adult so hard 😭😭🥺
Aysha same here! im a young adult and i only have internet friends. i didnt keep any friends from high school and college. we should be friends!
Isabelle Isidro hell ye I’d love to 🥰
Making Friends In Adulthood Pro Tip #1: Find something you love to do that takes you outside of your home and that's where you'll find your people. Whether that's a book club, cooking class, language practice meetup, volunteer day, hiking club, trivia night, etc. it's a great way to find quality friends that have similar interests who have also put energy into getting outside of their comfort zone and want to meet new people.
HeyaLinnea whoa this is really good , thank u for this 🌹✨
i've been dealing with friendship issues for the past year and this video really made me feel like i wasn't 𝒹𝓊𝓂𝒷 for having a hard time with toxic friendships. i'm glad you mentioned the whole reaching out concept because a lot of people don't like confrontation and it made me feel better that you brought up that concept because i've been so scared to talk about how little my friends intiate, i've had people become so defensive and say they're really busy and i never want them to get upset
Hi Jenn! I actually prefer these types of GRWMs where there's more of you talking about whatever topic you're addressing compared to you talking about what products you're using. I think this is a better balance and I'd love to hear more about your opinions on topics!
We have the same values in regards with friendships.... Especially the exchanging of bare souls and genuine sincerity for each other. I have to acknowledge that i am so bless to found friends who got those qualities and treasuring them for life
I just cut out a very deep friendship on my birthday yesterday, because it was too one-sided. I realized that because she didn't congratulate me, but had the time to put several Instagram stories. When I checked back into our texts, I noticed that it was always me reaching out. Reaching out when her grandma died, reaching out when she reached a youtube milestone, reaching out whenever she would've posted something sad on Instagram etc. but she would never reach out to me. It was really hard because I really valued our talks and thought we had a connection, but I realized yesterday that I don't matter in her life at all and whenever I would reach out, it felt like she had to answer because she HAD to. I feel really sad and I still catch myself checking out her Instagram (so stupid, I know) to see how she's doing, but I really want to learn how to let go. I also feel like, if I were to talk to her about my feelings, she would disregard them and blame it on her busy schedule (as always) :(
Connection is built through trust, patience, and and open mind. Trust is super important in any relationship, but I find that that is especially the case in friendships which could be long-lasting. Building that trust takes time so patience is also key. I love my friends for being open-minded and definitely another trait I seek in others.
A major deal breaker for me is lying. I have a difficult time connecting with fake people, and not something I want to hold onto.
i love how you said a lot of the things i value and try to emulate into words i havent been able to find!!!
Jen can I just say thank you so much for saying “it’s not a matter of hate, it’s a matter of incompatibility” because that statement has made me so much more compassionate in my past friendships AND relationships and I overall feel more at peace and lighter at heart knowing it’s not such a negative situation, but just a mismatch
Jenn is the older sister I've always wanted 💕
As a 23-year old, I started to evaluate the relationships I have with other people. Something that happened to me this year made me reflect on myself (because I obviously have my fair share of negligence and mistakes) and to the people I surround myself with.
It got to a point where I realized I've been doing too much to make the friendship good as it is but oh God, it drains the hell out of me. The worst part is that they misunderstood me and didn't even bother to talk directly to me to fix the problem. They just went on with our other common friends talking ill about me. I was just surprised because I had zero idea. I just felt them being very distant from me.
So now, I've made a mental note to reciprocate the energy I'm receiving as well. it's hard to be a good and loyal friend when it's just one-sided. You're just placing yourself in a rabbit hole of guilt and self-doubt.
This is such a nice content Jenn!
Feeling a lot of Virgo energy ❤️ ♍️ I love this video jenn ❤️❤️❤️❤️
As a college student, I roomed with my previous best friend and realized how toxic the relationship was due to our cultural differences and her tendency to reject my ideas. Whenever I tried to discuss my thoughts to her, she would ignore it and say I should be the one to change. We have been friends since high school and I never thought anything bad of her until I wasn't allowed to leave our shared room without telling her and I couldn't eat without her. In the sense, she tried to control every part of me and wanted to know every little detail. If I forgot to tell her anything, she would get upset and believe that I was leaving her. I think friendships should not be based on time duration regardless of how long you have known them. They should be based on respect and meeting each other in the middle.
Yasss let's be friends!
Jenn, you are always keeping it real and generous with your insights.🙌🏻 Yes, I’m feeling more “resentful.” I needed this so much. It validates my pre-decision. It’s so stressful and unhealthy continuing to make a friendship work that involves a lot of gaslighting.
i was literally about to get ready and saw this uploaded 20 seconds ago and i was like "jenn's got my back" 😩💕
The feeling heard part is such an important thing!!! I struggle with the feeling of not being heard but I also know that I need to work on listening as well!!!! So true and I know everyone needs to hear this
I’m the type of person who doesn’t need to talk 24/7 to them and be independent. I like that
jenn you need to make a podcast!! you are so wise and listening to your advice is so refreshing!! you enable me to revaluate my life, thank you!
this couldn't have come at a more perfect time, i think its time i have "the talk" with one of my friends. i hope it ends the way it did with your friend and we get through it!
I’ve realised that not even people who are gossiping but also comes across bubbly but when you listen to them everything they say is a lot of complaints and they wouldn’t want to listen to your advice. It’s whole lot of negativity and I realised I ain’t need them. Every time whenever I met those who complaints a lot, I get so emotionally exhausted.
2019 was a year of explosions for me when it came to friendships... some betrayed my trust, one died, & the rest just phased out of my life. It all kinda made me not want to bother having friends anymore 😞
So glad I came across this video! I couldn't agree more on what you said about toxic friendships go both ways. I've realized how petty and resentful I feel towards this one person which is super unhealthy. I'm trying to accept that it is okay to prioritize my own wellbeing over worrying about the other person's feelings because the truth is we can't please everyone and that's life!
I totally resonate with your words here! Especially the part about prioritizing your wellbeing first! x
I literally just an hour ago broke off a very toxic years long friendship that should’ve ended a long time ago, and I wanted to unwind with some TH-cam. This was the first video recommended! Perfect timing ❤️
I really appreciate that you posted this video! I recently had to let go of a friend of several years, and hearing you speak about what you didn't want in a friendship (people who didn't put in the effort to listen to you, who criticized much too often, etc.) really helped me to feel good about my decision.
I had a friend who has all of those traits. I'm happy to say that we are no longer friends.
yesss, i feel like the friend talk is harder than a relationship talk bc you don’t know exactly how invested they are in the friendship. like it feels like they might judge me for having such a serious conversation!
I had a friend who I’ve known since childhood who was always very critical of me and made me feel dumb. I’m pretty clumsy so there are a lot of times where I’d almost eat shit after not looking where I was going; and I’d tell that friend about it because I figured it’d be funny to talk about. That friend would immediately judge me instead of laughing it off with me. I know it doesn’t sound that serious but this would be a frequent occurrence. I’m a pretty goofy person so I have a lot of silly stories, but it was never received well from that friend. I’ve called them out on it before & I distanced myself so I could breathe. In the rare occasion they’d felt bad for their actions they’d try to give me food as a peace offering or talk to me like nothing happened but never apologized.
Since we were childhood friends, our mothers were very close as well. The final straw is when they had told their mother one of my deepest secrets, and of course that got passed on to my mother. I’m pretty closed off with my mother so I was absolutely mortified. I distanced myself again.
This friend tried making amends by getting me a gift come christmas time, but again, never apologized.
We are no longer friends & I haven’t talked to this person for about 5-6 years.
Thank you for speaking up about this. I had to evaluate some friendships around the time I got married and I saw all the red flags you mentioned.
I also love that you pointed out that sometimes you're the toxic friend. One person isn't always entirely to blame.
Great stuff Jenn. Been following you for a long time and these videos feel like we're just catching up:)
Your new hair is so cute 🤩🤩 i always thought middle lenght hair suits you so well
it's funny how these kinds of videos come out just when you need them. at the start of the year, i had a falling out with a friend of mine and we are no longer friends. it wasn't as though we were overtly toxic to each other, in fact, i really thought we would be great friends forever. but the both of us actually secretly held small resentments against each other which eventually caused us to explode at each other. breaking up with a friend is not easy and hearing you talk about this topic helps me to come to turns with the end of one of my greatest friendships
I've been avoiding some friends literally because of all the reasons you gave maybe excluding criticism and I felt horrible about it cause I felt I was being unfair to them but now I'm thinking maybe it's the best this way.
I appreciate how you combined something as trivial as putting on makeup with such a deep valuable talk on important topic. Its relaxing and thought-provoking at the same time!