I was dating a pathological liar and she denies everything and lies about the smallest things constantly, it broke my heart to let someone go but I know they won’t change
It is so difficult when you realize that the person you hoped she was was not the person she actually was. #Hijackals love-bomb, and create a persona of being "your perfect soulmate." They hook you on the hope that is true. Then, as their facade slips away, you keep hoping if you compromise, accommodate, and compensate by changing yourself, that original "false" person will return. Reality takes awhile to win, doesn't it? Good for you for caring enough about yourself to say no to people who really don't care about you.
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD - Toxic Relationship Help thank you, do you think that person will ever change ? I just feel bad that she’s gonna live her entire life in a lie and damage so many relationships, she flipped it on me and made it seem like I’m the bad guy when I caught her in lies
@@Mathiah Sadly, it sounds as though she has more tendencies of a #Hijackal than just lying. And, no, she is unlikely to change. AND, definitely, you cannot change her!
@@Mathiah She is unlikely to change. She is an adult, making choices that have consequences. No liar likes to be exposed. Rage is often their response, or the silent treatment.
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD - Toxic Relationship Help so those people are just gonna live in a lie their whole life ? That’s sad, I’ll pray she changes her behavior, no one deserves to live like that
What to do: 1.) Expect a lie & recognize the lie. 2.) Do not confront , repute or engage with the liar. Respond with talking about yourself- “ That’s not how I remember it”. 3.) Respond with neutral emotions. Do not engage with liar. The lie does not alter your truth. 4.) Keep a record of the lies for legal matters. 5.) Keep your distance from the pathological liar.
Pretty much what I'm doing but we have kids so it's tough. Another tactic I heard that works is to stick to one thing only as the liar really wants to take any conversation elsewhere. Just keep repeating yourself and don't let them decide where the conversation goes.
Best advice I can offer is this: Set your boundaries AND STICK TO THEM! You can prevent a LOT of hurt and loss of your precious time, energy and resources by recognizing and avoiding those red flags in the early days of a toxic relationship. Know who you are in Christ and never, ever settle for abuse from anyone. You deserve better and Almighty God wants the best for you. It may be scary to leave a toxic person, but you will get through it one day at a time. You are stronger than you think you are and if you ask Almighty God to guide and help you, He will.
Where pathology finds the boundary of delusion... switching from scotch to brandy doesn't help the alcoholic. It is so much the easier to find fault and blame in the our competitors than to Pathological liars are practiced so much that it becomes like a habituated tic, but it is not necessarily for malicious intent, but often because their lives are bland and non exceptional, and that leads to jealousy of others who actually accomplish things. And thus comes a most hard to swallow lie that serves to make their life at least. Such folks are creative enough to build an entire fictitious story line, which always stops after a few probing questions by the listener. When a person has adopted a custom of lying, they have checked out on maintaining contiguity, but weaves their own delusion that, at least to them, seems to provide more color, more self-exalting to stature they consider more appropriate to what they believe and deserve. This form of lying is likely the lessor in the spattered heaps, as it isn't meant to directly harm the other, just elevate their own status in the relationship so as to present their life as being at least as relevant, meaningful, purposeful, and vibrant...and again, some have become such weavers of tales and stories, that taking that family member on a vacation and folks showed effort towards his/her related experiences.. Narcissistic lying on the other hand is one of the most distorted to be considered, as not only is there a detachment from reality to themseced having Such folks not only can weave an intriguing story, but being they have huge empry holes where the tree of esteem should have been implanted, but, let's face it, to the narcisst, it's not just about making themselves feel better in a manner slightly above their "friend," but their friend, their friends life, their friends experiences and knowledge the narcissist, in his recognition that only his exalted life is meaningful. Their lies have typically been purposefully conceived and presented in such manner so as to make their "friends" claims seem lessor if not dubious while asserting in every manner their own confabulations as being both real and much grander in every measure. But it doesn't end there as despite the grand deillusion spun, often spiced generously with gaslighting their friends attempts to figure out what if anything is true about what the narcissist had spun over time. And again it's still further to go to find the where the outer layers end and the web comprising the core is even pierced. For narcissists devalue all others, as much as they exalt themselves, for the other only exists as an extension if themselves, and really are only considered as entertainment like a cat plays with its captured mouse. To the narcissist the axistance of other people in the world serves but one purpose: to be toyed with, degraded and confused by the narcissist such as to not only show their superiority (in most unarmed of uncivil and immature manner) but the anxiety/insanity that follows that their "friend" actually feel as a result serves as emotional food for the narcissist. They are vampires of another nature. Then there are he more schizoid schizefreniform, lies who seem to have a ripple in their consciousness whereby a delusional story line is created, often dealing with conspiracy or being hunted elements. However, such is often the result of brain trauma and is not meant to he used to maliciously hurt another, though they may become entwined in the delusions which are presented with certainty of conviction. Then of course the is the sociopath who has even less regard for the other than the narcissist. While the narcissist requires the confusion cast Tommie the other and exalt themselves, the sociopath doesn't have the need to make others lessor for their own elevation ( as to them its already a given), but simply because others exist only for the brief entertainment they provide to the sociopath when messing with their heads. Otherwise, other folks really have no value, or even autonomy--being but dumb drones, are thus they are not worthy enough to be merited any consideration. If they die, there is another drone hat will replace them. And if course there are a few more, like those having borderline personality disord. Such folks will skew things they hear in the direction they want it to go, such as to manipulate others, and often couple their issue with playing the victim roll, since they believe others are out to get them for nefarious intent. Lying is part of the human character, albeit from the little white lie such as to avoid issue arising from the nonconsequential, to the biggest of them all: that little green men are angels and God not but a computer.
When she said they love to exaggerate their accomplishments and lie about the stupidest tiny things then admit it half ass after argue or fights then go on to call u crazy paranoid or mental for thinking that way 😳
Many liars are not happy with themselves. Or they grew up in a household of addictions and disfunction where everyone lied. Not saying you should stick around though.
Lying by omission is also very damaging - this must be part of their game. Anything that distorts the truth for the other person - said or unsaid - is lying.
Yes, exactly this. My ex never straight up lied, it is always the half-truths, omitting the full picture to her advantage. She even created a division between me and my friends and it was super hard for me to gain their trust back. When I told my version, it always included the bad part I was responsible for, which confirmed her version in their eyes.
I left my Wife because of her constant lying. It was centered around money. I continually caught her lying about how much was (being spent) missing. I know she was gambling. I had a paper trail that led to her getting caught. She continued to lie and tell me how crazy I was. That it was my paranoid and delusional thinking. One time we ran out of paper bowls that we use for the wet dog food. It was a Sunday evening. She insisted that she needed to go to the dollar store for these paper bowls. I pointed out the obvious “we can use a cereal bowl this one time until tomorrow when we are going to be out and about anyway” Nope!!! She insisted on going. It turned into an argument and that I didn’t trust her (which was true) and what did I think she was going to do? I didn’t tell her “I think you’re going to go play video poker” Which is what she did because she came home a totally different person. She was all full of endorphins and happy like she just had a couple shots of Jeager. I had already made the decision that I was going to leave her so it didn’t matter to me at all. I left her 2/7/2020. My life is so so so much easier and happy. I didn’t realize how much work it was to be with her. I’m Not sure why I’m writing all this. Maybe because it might help someone someday. Thanx Rhoberta👍❤️✌️ With much respect and sincerity, Rick
Thanks for writing. Your story may be just what someone needs to hear. I'm glad to hear that you're experiencing more peace when you are not constantly walking on eggshells. That's a terribly tiring way to get exercises, isn't it? I wish you well. Rhoberta
EVOLVE FREELY Hi and thanks for chiming in. I have a hundred+ examples of her lying to me on digital recording. A person can say “that’s this type of lying or it’s that type of lying”. To me it’s LYING. I know a couple of factual things: $30,000.00 gone She broke my nose and went to jail (that episode was prompted by me asking her where all the money was disappearing to) I left her I’m happy I could go on and on and on about what went down over a period of 2 years. It was fckng nuts. I’m so happy I finally got the courage to leave her. Take care.
@@PLUM-rp9lt I understand what your saying. My ex is the same way. He lied about everything. And wouldn't see our daughter because hes a alcoholic and would ignore her phone calls so to avoid having to spend time with her and then he would lie to everyone and say I was keeping her from him and then when i would confront him about it he would try to still put the blame on me, to my face. Like I know what I saw and what I heard. Or like when he loses his jobs, hes a alcoholic so he can only keep a job for a short time and then go back to bumming off everyone. He got fired and then he would try to tell me and everyone that he was so great at his job and the blame would always been on the company as to why he lost his jobs. He just constantly lied about things. I caught him cheating and had tons of proof and confronted him and got him to admit it....but even after he admitted he did those things, he would still blatantly try to lie to my face. I remember one year for st. Patrick's day I wanted to stay home that evening and do a family thing with just him and our daughter, he kept making plans for us to go out and I kept telling him I didn't want to and then he turned around and told our daughter "your mom was the one that wanted to go out, I wanted to stay here". It's a constant lying game.
Thanks for sharing. In my experience, money is the best tool for finding out the true character of a person. I find that it's all about selfishness. Lying is just the symptom. The more selfish a person is, the more they lie. In a world of temptation, everything can become an addiction. I find so many people are on medication and/or drugs, including myself. This sickness of addiction affects everyone, with almost no exceptions. I believe that if you can find just one unselfish person you can have hope. Other than that it's all about save yourself or die. Glad you were able to save yourself, I had to too. It's not easy, that's for sure. I had to just about die first before I realized I was going to die here. What doesn't kill you really does make you stronger if you survive.
Thank you for this. My mother is one. It borders narcissism, I think. Everything is about making her look good or to be a victim. It's infuriating to watch.
Yes, it's infuriating and frustrating, for sure. The fear of not winning in every moment is what drives Hijackals of various stripes to lie. Pathological liars, of course, are often narcissistic tendencies which makes the lying more ingrained.
I have the same as you describe, the simplest of discussions result in lies and untruths being said which over the years simply undermine the relationship at its core level. Hates being called out about it and the idea she could be exposed to others showing her true character seems to be her biggest fear - really sad and quite toxic.
My mom too. I love her but all the time she claims that “her and the governor” are trying to change things. She says that almost daily. 🤯(knowing no truth to it)
This sounds like President Biden. The constant lies, inflated self importance based on others accomplishments, and the amount of gaslighting is off the charts. It’s so infuriating listening to him and his administration, that help him perpetrate the lies.
I just had to file for divorce after uncovering such a major lie that my soon to be ex husband kept for our entire 3 years of dating was so absolutely disgusting that I could not see working through things . And as another comment is so perfectly added, it seems like he’s afraid of being exposed by certain people in his family and particularly his mother will, in my opinion, make him take the secret to the grave.
Ugh! Been there, done that. Found out about two-three years in, that everything I thought I knew of them was false. Lied just to lie...also had dilusions of grandeur.
I am so hurt by somebody very close to me lying to me pathologically even when I said I would accept anything. The lies are even about things that don't even matter at all so I feel like I'm not trusted and I also feel bad because I find myself suspecting what I hear all the time = _= I feel so confused and guilty and angry. Thanks for your words, Doc!!
I just meet someone..one year ago. And I think he is lying continually. I didn't want to accept that and I want to believe him but now every time he talks I am like ok let see what he is going to say this time. Is so annoying.. Is first time I meet compulsive lair. I don't know what is worse. Horrible 😖😟
re: how to respond. The only long-term solution is to get away from such a relationship (going ‘no contact’). If you cannot, due to it being family, shared child custody, or other sometimes complicated reasons, try to go Gray Rock (‘lo contact’).
Mine too and I actually can’t stand being around him. I’ve dealt with the over exaggerating whatever but the compulsive lying makes me disgusted. It’s seriously either a disease or a curse. All I know it’s a living nightmare I’m slowly trying to detach from.
And there it is"Power and Control." I'm exhausted.....I have tried all angles and avenues to get him to stop the BS. 😪 I fell in love with a pathological liar.
Thank you for mentioning about pathological liars inflating numbers. My sibling wants to become an entrepreneur, and any time I speak with him, he mentions how much money he is making. Numbers are so large now he's apparently a millionaire running a worldwide empire, in literally a few months. It is maddening.
I've had them say to me "If you know I'm lying then why you ask me if I'm lying? " Or "If you know I'm going to get mad when you ask me then why you ask me?" Then they would tell me "You just want to argue or you're looking for something to argue about" 🤦🏾♀️ Can't say nothing. I don't even confront the lies anymore because I'm going to get called crazy, want to start an argument, or I'm looking for something to fight about smh. Like honestly I don't even be knowing about some of the lies at first, then later I will find out through them saying something they obviously forgot they lied about or I'd just randomly without trying to but I'd find out.. I'd stumble across something or it'll just hit me like hold up... they lied they butt off. I don't know what's true or what's a lie almost because they are so often, random, and for no reason. Very stressful.
You're so right! That's how pathological liars--and many #Hijackals--roll. Exactly those responses. The question is always, then, why continue a relationship with them? Sometimes, it seems unavoidable, and other times, it's a welcome choice.
I have to say Dr Roberta you help me so much tonight with your explanation how you define things. Very easy to understand and so well spoken to relate to very many different people, being so broken down and understandable. You're so on point again thank you so much for validating my decision about getting rid of somebody that is a pathological liar. Heaven Sent for real thank you so much again for your wisdom and encouragement
This honestly helps in my case. The constant lies. Made it so difficult at times to see what was really going on. When ever I called her out on it. She just started screaming and/or crying. Saying things like "I thought you cared about me", "Why are you attacking me". Frequently followed by another lie about the reason she had to lie. Never taking responsibility for anything. Then try and twist it to look like it was all my fault she never did anything wrong. I always felt like I was taking responsibility for when I screwed up , but not even once has she apologized for anything she has ever done. Even when the lie was obvious to everyone around. She always acted like she knew my every motivation. When I tried to just walk away she start crying about how much she needs me. That she loved me. It hurt and it honestly still hurts some even now.
The part where she said liars like to say "Everyone hurt them" so they can be victimized is important. I had an ex-lover (will never mention his name) who said his ex's did him wrong because he has a lot of money. That should've been a red flag, because little did I know at the time he had a lot of toxic traits. 😂😂😂
Ironic that abusers like to fall behind the "muh poor childhood" excuse. Had a male friend screaming at me who was allegedly a former scapegoat too. Yet incredibly used that as an excuse to scream at me for trying to pick up a few pieces of loose tobacco. I used to use this excuse to be a victim of bad relationship with an ex-girlfriend too, as in continuing to have any association beyond the point of any reasonable return. They say that curiosity killed the cat. But so did sympathy too! Ultimately, I get really sick of some of the people on TH-cam comments excusing their bad behavior with this as if it's a legit excuse. Some of the most wonderful people I knew had way worse childhoods with their parents than those monsters. I've seen people use that excuse to continue their torturous marriages years longer than they should have. But at some point, it's not an excuse, but a rationalization! And I'm too old to reason away with that bullshit any longer(at 48). If it walks like a power trip, talks like a power trip, it IS an annoying power trip that NO ONE needs!
Thank you doctor! My fiancé lies to get out of troubles and out of fear. We have been in couple therapy for a little more than a year now. We love each other so much but this is becoming a big problem when we communicate. I find myself unable to believe what he says. He has a traumatic childhood and our therapist cannot get him dig deeper. I feel like I have grown so much through therapy but he didn’t. I have put our engagement on hold as I am tired of being the bigger person all the time. Thank you for your videos!
Thank you so much for this! My adult daughter does this. She lied about having a car wreck among other things. Now she says her doctor told her she has cancer but she won't go for a biopsy. She is driving me insane!
My eldest daughter is also a liar. She was finally exposed I'm sad to say because it took the suicide of my second child on the 12th of September 2023 to bring her lies to light. She had caused my children to be estranged from me for the last 5 years. I have 4 children all together. My first grandchild was born 2 years ago and I've only just met him. I had no idea it was my own daughter manipulating my other kids. I have a narcissistic mother and I was the scapegoat and I have two siblings that go out of their way to denigrate my character so I assumed it was my siblings. Now kid 1 has been exposed she's trying to regain control but she is being met with opposition. So now she's spreading lies about my third child being rude and nasty to her. It's insidious and so disrespectful that she's lashing out and making everything about her as soon as my son died. And I mean on the day he died she did it. To really convince me that she's most likely a sociopath she got married 5 days after my sons funeral and didn't invite her sisters because they're talking to me. She had a whole month to reschedule, there were less than 10 people in attendance all up and she's posting pictures all over facebook like it's completely fine. I couldn't even eat 5 days after my son's funeral let alone attend a wedding. A lot of my friends saw her Facebook and didn't say anything to me about it. It's distressing and worrying. She recently told my 3rd child that she was histrionic and her son autistic all because kid 3 didn't want to talk to her when she showed up unannounced and uninvited to kid 3s house and pester her to talk to her. I've told kid 3 to get FVRO but she's living with her dad who just happens to side with kid 1 and won't even listen to kid 3's perspective. And he's not even kid 1's biological father. He attended the wedding and he let her plan the funeral and she made sure that me and my youngest daughter were not included in the eulogy or given a chance to speak. We both requested songs to be played and that was muted also. She's got her stepfather in her back pocket and they totally hijacked my son's funeral. So much time and energy being spent on kid 1 and her behaviour that it's distracted us all from properly grieving for my son. I'm actually going to go get some counselling about all this as it's deeply hurt me. She's also got my mother on side who's trying to tell me my youngest 2 are the liars. Absolutely won't hear anything else about it. I just think that it's tragic that my son had to die for the truth to be revealed. He was such a loving and caring boy and he loved his younger sisters. He struggled with medical resistant depression for 6 years and just left the house one morning and committed suicide at a public location where he wouldn't easily be located until later that morning. And my ex husband called my eldest daughter to tell her he was gone before me. Just so wrong. 😢
I deal with a person who will forget that he is lying and repeats lies he tells other people about me.I still love this person but the lies are starting to affect my mental health and my sleep. I'm trying to find a way to find trust again. Like when anything serious happens Now I have to ask if he is telling the truth. It sucks
If this is an ongoing behavior for your partner, this sounds like a good person to love from a distance. You cannot trust a pathological liar. About anything. Period. And, yes, it sucks, big time. 😒
I was dating one that is just like that and we were together for 6 years, the lies has never stopped, even I have being calm but it got even worse. It won't change.. I love him and it breaks my heart to go but I had to and I end up leaving him 2 days ago.. He is 49
“I’m going out to eat some worms” lol My mother used to sing us children that song when we’d be looking for pity because we had to do things we thought we shouldn’t have to! You took me back to my childhood and a mother who would not let us be victims of our own self pity!
I just realized two nights ago that I have been dating a pathological liar. I unfortunately made the mistake of also moving into an apartment with him... And now I am stuck in a lease with him until February 2021. I am not a doctor, so I know I can't make that his official diagnosis-- But just about everything you have shared in this podcast is spelling everything out that has been going on. It is really damning and it is tearing me apart, knowing that the whole relationship was practically an act from his end. Despite everything, I am grieving for the good/positive sides I saw in him. That I experienced with him. He seemed perfect during the first 3 months... And then afterward he shifted and it got dark. I tried to hang on to hope that things would get better. He always is quick to blame me. I will admit, I have been trying to look internally and recognize issues within myself too. I want to change the issues with myself... But living with this man now is getting in the way of my mental health and well being. He is constantly trying to control me. I hate that now I have to teach myself to realize when he is lying, and to adjust my reactions so he doesn't get gratification from them. It is like I have to learn to take everything he says as actually the opposite. Or at least, that is what this whole experience has done to my psychological well-being. I wish I had the finances to get out. I feel like a moron for not seeing what was going on before we signed a lease. But I wish so badly he wants /to/ change himself. He is never going to be happy. Maybe I won't either..? I almost took my own life even because he was literally telling me, to my face, "You haven't been paying your share of the rent." I always pay my half (even if sometimes it isn't the full amount due, and I do feel bad for this). Now that he knows I have caught onto his pathological lying, he does various things to continue to hurt me. Whether it is ignoring me, not reacting when I try to talk to him, or lie some more, or look to me as if I am some horrible monster. I grieve for the good in him that is buried deep down and will most likely never resurface. I grieve for the milestones in a relationship we can never achieve together. I wish there was no such disorder. Or would you call this a disease? I miss my boyfriend so bad... I wish I didn't have to let him go.
I'm glad you let him go, and I hope he will let go of you, too. Yes, there is definitely grieving for what you hoped might be and could become. It's sad, but people with the traits of disorders almost never have an interest in changing. I wish you well.
Wow my mind is blown! I am currently in this situation. It's so frustrating because I often question everything that he tells me. We share a son now...😩😭
It is SO difficult, I know. And, its' important to question everything, once you recognize the lying patterns. He'll lie to your son as well, and that can cause more difficulties and pain.
My wife is a perpetual liar, just found she lied about our taxes, she spent 5k and told me the refund was delayed by COVID. We have a newborn, I’m divorcing her, I can’t live with her anymore.
So difficult! I certainly understand why you need to move on. I hope you can keep your baby safe from the distress this mom could cause. Do you have a plan for that?
Thank you so much for this audio Dr Shaler! You have precisely described someone I was working for , for about a year and a half. She was driving me insane with her pathological lying and embellishing. Hording info to herself, taking credit for things that I did, would not answer questions directly, making statements about her experience that would somehow sound factually different when she would describe the same experience later to another person, etc etc. These are just a few things- I have NEVER in my life met someone with so many mental issues- and a huge ego made of glass. She blamed me for the problems that we had working together, and yet she was the one perpetrating ALL of events in question. I eventually was able to make a lateral move to another location, and I can finally sleep at night, and I hardly even drink anymore - lol. I'm not a young person, and I have worked with ALOT of different people in my life, and never, ever met anything like that person- absolutely the worst working experience ever.
That is so stressful and so disappointing to have someone in your worklife that is that difficult! I'm so glad you were able to shift your working environment and take care of yourself.
Are all pathological liars suffering from Narcissist Personality Disorder? This video was so on point and incredibly helpful. So needed to hear this right now, thanks!!!
Hi! You're so welcome! I'm glad the video was helpful. That's a difficult thing to affirm for sure. I've had clients who were pathological liars as a result of deep-seated childhood insecurities, and aside from the lying, were quite pleasant, reasonable--though unreliable--humans. The only way in which they were abusive is the lying. #Hijackals, though, think nothing of lying to "win in the moment" or "get what they want." So, the reverse is more true: people with the traits of personality disorders are more likely to be liars, pathological or not! I hope that helps. Rhoberta
@@ForRelationshipHelp I tried to reply but my long message was halfway deleted for some reason after posting. Thanks for your helpful insights, it's brought me a lot of clarity! :)
My grandmother was a manipulative liar. When called out on her BS she would deny, deny, deny, lie some more, twist the truth, etc. When she couldn’t wiggle out of it, she would cry & blame her age, failing memory, poor health, etc.
My sister is a pathological liar. Every time she speaks I’m thinking.... “yeah right!”. One of the things that really annoys me about these people is that they have the luxury of having people around them who are honest and the liar feels secure in that honesty. Woe betide the person who lies to the liar!! I have cut my sister loose at long last. I can’t say that I feel better because I really do love her but I feel different and that has to be the beginning of better things to come.
Good for you! You've taken a step towards peace. Knowing you're being continuously lied to is wearing, and the basis of the relationship can be quite flawed, right? Loving her from a distance can be a good thing. I wish you well.
My dad still believes my idiot little sister who lies about the smallest shit just for all of us to look at her for two seconds during her bogus stories. She always needs something to complain or talk about
I have shared the " embellished ' situations of horrendous injustices some people have experienced, and they were truth not lies, because they were in difficult situations, with toxic people, and wrongdoings. I am sure in your profession, you understand this perspective. Thank you for your insight, and giving me another angle on my thinking. One's character is consistently most important, and understanding that each person must FIRST, recognize their lapsed integrity, and seek change. The great preacher Billy Graham spoke about the issues you emphasize In one of his sermons entitled "Choices" .
Had a girlfriend who lied constantly and changed the narrative of history. Got sick of it one night and recorded an argument (it’s legal here). Later on she tried once again to change what was said and all that. I probably shouldn’t have but I threw my phone down and played the argument. She cried and said she sounded crazy and that she needed help. I genuinely felt bad but thought hey maybe this will be the fix. Nope. Next day she was right back to her old ways as if it never happened. I probably got punished for doing that in some way too. I’m sure they could but they won’t change.
I’m here as I am lying down trying to get my blood pressure down as my mental health now affects my physical health due to being married to this type for 10 years. I just caught my husband pretending to be me via text to get someone to do something for him. Every day is toxic. It was helpful just to listen to your voice as it’s pleasant. We have been to therapy for years so I’m going to have to stop engaging in his behaviors as it’s my only choice. Thank you for your information and hopefully I will find better days.
It is almost comical when my 75 year old husband was hiding cigarettes. I saw him. He has been lying about smoking. (Lies about every little thing). As a high school guidance counselor/coach he would write in grad cards to the kids, “The true test of a man's character is what he does when no one is watching.” You know, he never once cited this either. I will. Coach John Wooden. Quite ironic.
Kind of scary how much i relate to this, my partner and I are long distance, I started wondering alot as most of the conversations, are usually about her being a hero, or "bragging" about her friends even though it really isnt relavent to the conversation. When i pointed that out, I was met with such things as "I feel like your attacking me" and "well your tone is being aggressive" when all i did was calmly point out, i don't need to know your friend is the "number 1 " player in his country when i already heard that many times before. - i was met with, it was important to note because of the culture they live in, pride and ego is everything in their country. Whilst the last part holds truth i felt like, it was just to shut me down, rather than say "oh its not really relevant". Just one of many things, i noticed... the hero thing happens either She saved the day or her friends did but she had a part to play in it.
Thank you for this. I recently found out that a friend, who I already knew bullshits about his life, trauma bonded with me over a lie about someone close to him on their death bed who had already been dead for years. I have ben on the fence about what to do, because I was dealing with trauma over recent loss myself. The immorality of what happened is undeniable, and yet I feel like it isn't worth spending the emotional energy on a confrontation as it stands. Part of me thinks that if I confront them will change...but maybe that is a conceit. I know that they don't intend to hurt anyone, and perhaps letting them know that hurts would be a thing to do, but I don't know....I just don't know.
My daughter is a pathological liar. We have known this for about 27 years. She is 35 now, and her children are now lying, about anything and everything. I want to help my grandkids learn to not lie, but how? Without shaming their mother to them? The advice I hear from most experts is to distance yourself from the liar. What if it is your child?
That's a difficult one! Whether you're dealing with your daughter or the grandkids, I think it is important to always state neutrally and genuinely: "I know that is not true." Repeat, when necessary. Share with them statements like this: "I know it's best to tell the truth." "People trust people who tell the truth." etc. You may have to set a non-negotiable boundary: "You'll have to leave if you lie." or "When I know you're lying, I'm leaving." And, follow through...every time. The children have learned by modeling from their mother. Do you know where your daughter learned to lie, or did she always do it? Little children spin tales often, but grow out of it.
My whole life has been a series of my trust being crushed over, and over. I can't be happy in a relationship, or a friendship. It's truly a miserable existence. I hope nobody knows this feeling. Most of the time I wish I wouldnt wake up.
That's sad, and difficult. Have you had any specialized help to make shifts in a positive direction towards better quality relationships? Sometimes, that's creates the impetus you need to create new patterns. I wish you well.
@@ForRelationshipHelp I have, as a member in a recovery fellowship. I have a sponsor and a group of like-minded individuals who I have been in communication with lately. I realize it's part trauma and part character defect. It's something I must work on every single day, and lean on my faith in all times (especially when I feel alone).
My ex wife after our divorce lied nonstop about how awful and abusive I was. I’m talking about saying I was physically and sexually abused, not just mentally. She convinced our children they were in danger if they wanted to see me. My daughter was in 6th grade and would never go against her mother. It was so sick the things she would say about me. Our son was to young to even remember us being married but he won’t have anything to do with me either. The court system refused to enforce its order. It’s so sad that both my children are just like her. Lie for no damn reason. I can’t figure out why my children, who are smart kids believe everything their mother says and are doing the same thing. After 5 years in the courts trying to have a normal response with my kids I gave up.
They can't possibly be human dude it's fckincrazy on a level that's hard to even phantom exists and shouldn't exist! Literally no point to it besides pure evil exhaustion waste of everything and whomever gets off on that constant drama and BS I just don't understand why/how. Suppose blessed not to! Not saying I'm a perfect person but my Lord it's hard to even explain it and have it be understood how some of these people are without you lookin like the crazy one and for what?! Maddening
My husband decided to lie to me according to him for no reason or he doesn't know why he lied. He lied about where he had lunch. Seems like a small lie right? This lie bothered me more so because he looked me straight in my eyes and lied three times. He also made me feel like I was crazy for even questioning him. Well I found the receipt and he definitely had lunch that day and paid for only his meal. To this day I still don't understand why he lied. This has destroyed my heart. My trust in him is gone. This is the only lie I know of. Other times he has failed to mention that he went here or there. I can't help to wonder what else has he lied about. Is he a pathological liar and I just don't see it?
Hi, Tina, Yes, that is a strange thing to lie about. Were there other things happening in his life or in your relationship at the time of that lie? Please consider that one lie in a relationship doesn't break trust, but can make you question it. It sounds like there are other things going on. If you'd like to talk, use my new client offer: BeAClient.com Otherwise, respond to my question here and we'll continue the conversation. Rhoberta
My best friend lied about his finances and career. He told me his company plane took him to Italy and Puerto Rico. He’s just an ordinary guy who is unemployed with a broken car living in a rundown apartment. But he creates all these stories. I had no choice but break off the friendship even though I loved him dearly. It got to the point where he would put down my life for working a 9 to 5 job
Wow! I have been doing ALL of the wrong things! I have been remembering details of this person’s stories and then weeks later those details change slightly, but with the use ofABUNDANT tiny details. I have confronted them out of emotions and it gets flipped entirely onto me, as if I did xyz, that I’m actually the liar, that I am deflecting my past relationships onto him. This causes intense anger and/or rage even when I can contain my emotions. The word “liar” is a huge trigger must be. I wish I’d known what to do in these times. It happens everyday about ANY number of things.
I was dating a pathological liar. I just blocked her number and stopped talking to her. Its sad that someone has to lie about everything all the time. She was weird for lying about everything all of This video just reinforced everything i knew she was doing. Pathological liars are super weird.
My brother is a teen pathological lier and it makes me feel like shit that I sometimes have to gaslighting myself cause he'd start crying or screaming victim or throwing numbers and percentages around to validate his consistent nonsense and discrediting my ability to remember by claiming they know what they said since they said it.
That's very difficult...and SO good that you see what's happening. Can you step back and observe his behavior rather than thinking you can change his behavior? That's a good first step. Once you realize someone is a seemingly pathological liar separating your emotional self from their lies is a great first step.
I’m watching this in order to try to understand someone. I recently dated someone I thought I was going to marry. It was a long distance relationship. I thought I had found my soul mate. He is a MASTER at manipulation. I found out from various people after he was arrested for burglary and put in jail that almost everything he told me about his life was a lie! Even the smallest things like having a dog back in his home state; it turned out the dog belonged to a neighbor. I found out that he was abusive towards his exes, and was addicted to pills (most notably adderal). He made himself out to be the victim AND the savior in his current living situation and he played me like a fiddle! I thought I was VERY adept at sensing bad people, but I turned out to be very wrong. I have such a guilty conscience that it is very difficult for me to lie. Watching this video is helping me to understand this person because I simply cannot.
Hi, Jonathan, Whew! You dodged a bullet. Yay! There is likely more to this person's personality issues than only pathological lying. Have you watched many of my #Hijackal videos? Did you see anything in those that was also preset in this relationship frequently? To answer your question about whether or not they know they are doing it, consider this: do they do it to everyone, or just to those closest to them? That's the first criterion. For example, #Hijackals (as I've said in several videos...lol) paint a public image of perfection which at home create a private place of pain. They know what they do and choose their behavior by location, situation, and relationship. Cheers, Rhoberta
I wanted to know more on this type of personality thinking it was about lying only. I didn't realize there is a marked personality behind the entire behavior storm. What is amazing to me is it clearly described a person from my past that I always described as so ridiculous that they just can't be described and yet here you are doing it! While this person had some narcissistic and sadistic tendencies even that didn't quite nail down what I'd seen. This does. I just want to express my gratitude to you for opening my eyes to something I've been searching for a very long, long time. Much love.
Thank you Dr Shaler. My spouses behavior changed and when I asked him questions, he would lie and then get mad and berate me saying I was crazy. It was the worst psychological abuse I had ever experienced. Ultimately he was caught trying to purchase sex with an escort. Came out of that situation leaning into his lie even more and ultimately it was my fault in his mind! I experienced everything you said. Your points on bragging or in his case, posing as a victim were spot on.
My friend’s 11 year old son is a pathological liar, it’s completely out of control and she enables him and acts like he’s telling the truth when it’s obvious he’s lying constantly about anything and everything. My friend has borderline personality disorder and I wonder if this is the cause of the child being a liar, he goes into a rage when confronted with his lying and swears, shouts and becomes aggressive, he never admits that he’s lying. I actually feel unwell after spending time with them both, I’ve reached the stage that I just want them out of my life. Her son doesn’t have any friends and claims that every friend he makes is bullying him, his attempts at friendship only last a few weeks and then there’s some huge drama. My friend has holes in her walls and doors at home from his temper tantrums. I pointed out his lying before and he actually said that I was the one lying and the mother believed him so I find this child could be dangerous and I refuse to be alone with him in case he makes up something about me. He’s extremely unpleasant in other ways as well as his pathological lying.
Lying has no place in respectful communication. (Yes, I know there are little "social" lies that spare someone's feelings, but that's a little suspect, too. ) Being silent rather than lying is wise. However, silence can lie, too, by omission, right? Another approach is to consciously speak in ways that are totally kind and totally honest at the same time. When we take care of how we speak in that way, we do our best to be empathetic and communicate clearly and honestly.
Unsettling and devastating. I value honesty and integrity beyond all else. The father of my children created a whole persona that bore no resemblance to the reality.
You’re right. They are engaging. I am going through something right now with a liar. Recently, I blocked them on Facebook because she keeps getting angry and accusatory of me. But now I think that I did not handle that well because I reacted in anger.
Just ended an engagement. He was a pathological liar since day one. Turns out he’s still married - so couldn’t get married to me. Honesty is a high value of mine. Of course he lied about lies and it just never ended. I’m hurt that I had to be the one to end things. He’s completely moved on which I feel means even his love for me was a lie.
Oh, you dodged a bullet! Congratulations! Yes, it's sad to have to think that he may have been using you rather than loving you. Have you listened to other episodes of mine on Hijackals? It sounds like he may be one.
I'm sorry you had to go through this. Is it still hard to deal with or is there definitely light at the end of the tunnel. It's nice to hear that there are really people out there who want honesty. My partner and I built our relationship around always being honest no matter what after she had been lied to and cheated on her whole previous marriage. I made it clear in my own mind and hers that I would not lie.... Guess what..... She has been lying to me and is absolutely making me out to be crazy for pointing out so so many things that don't add up. It's literally demolished my visions of ever having a relationship with another woman again because I genuinely thought I'd met the most honest (brutally honest sometimes to the point of hurt) person I could ever have wished for. I hope you're healing well. X
@@beboprocksteady1514 wow that's really too bad, sorry that your trust in women is forever tarnished! I hope that one day someone who is actually honest and true walks into your life. Thank you, I am healing quite well actually, better than I imagined
My husband as well. I hope you found your peace. It's humiliating when he accuse me of cheating when i'm with his family all day and night and he claims they are lying together with me. But I can't leave him as I love him. My only comfort is his and my family backing me up due to his track record. My only saving grace is we are attending couple counselling where I document and proof of lies. I hope you find your inner peace & space to manage as it is utterly exhausting.
@@rinatan8515 sorry you are going through this. Maybe he thinks you are cheating via online? Emotional affair? My husband communicates with side whores online. He is at home but he is emotionally not present in the home, his head is in the clouds. My husband’s family make excuses for his bad behavior, so it is not uncommon for family to side with family. But the verbal and physical abuse my husband has caused me can’t be explained away. The reported abuse to the police explains my truth.
This video really helped to get a base line of what this is all about. Gets you started to define exactly how and what this is. A lot of people dont lie as a career or occupation, its very difficult* to organize what is a lie and how sever the lie is. Some people live lies and the actually dont know the difference any more. One is the sky is pink -we all know the sky is not pink, and one is " I always understood whats going on" or maybe I can love you and maybe they cant. Determining what is going on takes a reflection of what is real, that is scary because maybe other peoples sense of reality isnt understanding whats going on either, scary! the sky is blue, im a girl, the forest has trees, the beach has an ocean, some things are simple others are more like opinion your likeable, hes cute, the sunrise is the best part of the day, subway has the best sandwiches, your house is beautiful. Some lies can never be as immortalized or lessons we should know before we become injured, ***Their is a part of history in case law that False--appearing to be the thing denoted; deliberately made or meant to deceive*** has existed for 100's of years. How do you find the truth
Such good questions! So much is subjective, for sure. However, when dealing with a pathological liar, you are likely very aware that their pattern of representing the world they see demonstrates their inability to keep a story straight for long. Their view changes with their need to feel right and/or secure in each interchange.
I have a cousin who I've been suspecting is a pathological liar for a while now. It's always been a passing running joke in our family that she lied/lies a lot and I never really got it until we became adults (we're in our 20s). It's gotten to the point that I can't even tolerate holding a conversation with her because I know she's going to hijack the conversation to talk about herself and tell such embarrassingly obvious lies... to the point where I feel almost insulted lol. And she copies, ever since we were children. Recently we were on the phone and she took (I'm not sure if took is the best verb here but I'm not sure what else to put lol) a memory/habit I've had since I was a child - and it's a VERY specific dietary habit, we've joked about it at family gatherings, it's something my parents and even friends often nag me about- and as she was "retelling" this memory of mines from her own false experience all I could do was sigh and tell her I have to go so I can hang up... it's painfully annoying. I've been avoiding her recently and had to tell my mom not to talk about me with her or her mom because I know if she hears that I'm doing something she's going to either try to do it too or she's going to lie and say she was already doing said thing.
i actually had to stand up to my cousin who tried portraying me as a pos to my mom and other people in my family by lying about stuff i did in his head. he never could accept that he’s not better than anyone and no one cares about what he does. it’s really hard to get someone like that away from you.
You created the term hijackle?? It's genious! I kept hearing you say it and thought you were saying "Hyde-jeckles" like a play on "Jeckle and Hyde!" Anyway "Jackle" like the hyena type animal is VERY fitting! If you've ever been an honest person that stumbled into a group of narcissists it reminds you of a nacional geographic video where a lion wanders into the hyenas territory. I call it the: "multiple personalities getting together for a Cluster F" Disorder. 😅😅😅 Thank you for your videos!
My niece is living with my husband and me for the last 4 years. She is constantly lying about things and playing the victim. I love her deeply, but it reached a point I don’t even trust to be around her anymore, and it is destroying our relationship.
My ex was a pathological liar (I left her, I assume she still is). She once lied about smoking a cigarette just seconds after seeing that I'd seen her smoking one after she claimed to have quit for weeks. Childish stuff, took me several more years after realizing what she was before I finally said later.
I’ve known a few. I severed in the Army for ten years and met a few and then known two as a civilian. I’ve always wondered since I met one in Korea. I even asked him if he can help it. He was embarrassed and clearly wanted out of the conversation and given that I was a sergeant and he was a specialist. He couldn’t really tell me to go stop. But I let him go anyways because I was uncomfortable also. Can they help it? Or is it a overwhelming need to feel important? Sorry if my sentence structure sucks but I hope the faceted that I severed as a Army Navy Seal/ door gunner for the space shuttle Recon Marine will make up for it. Okay I made that last part up. But seriously can they help it? I knew one when I was in the National Guard as a private and what struck me so strange about this man was that he was a combat vet. He had fought in Panama. He had his combat patch. So in 96 there weren’t many war vets around and he was cool enough as it was. But he would lie about everything. So it made all of his stories invalid. Also knew a retired Colonel. Same thing. So I didn’t believe he had been a Colonel until one of my supervisors told me he had seen his military ID. It doesn’t make sense. If you are already so accomplished. Why lie?
Many people feel the need to embellish their accomplishments and life stories. It's sad that they feel the necessity to lie to feel better about themselves, for sure.
As a pathological liar people kinda put us in a box as "abusive" or "manipulative" like, I lie and am quite emotionally numb most of the time but damn, I feel attacked :T Its not always the illness that's bad, sometimes its just the combination with the person..
You're right. Many people habitually lie for different reasons with different underlying causes. Trauma can be one of them. Insecurity another. I wish you well.
I think you should consider the effect your pathological lying has on the people around you, your loved ones, etc. People who are manipulative/abusive rarely realize that they're being manipulative/abusive. As someone who has been the victim of an abusive pathological liar, I have trust issues to this day, 5 years later. And those people are usually the victim of trauma themselves.
Currently with a girl I plan on leaving. When we first met, she explained many horror stories of anger, violence and lies. She had told me her ex were all these things and more. Over a period of 3 years those horror stories have and are, happening to me. She tells me what I'm to say to help her convince herself of her lies. If I reject , violence and anger is her response. This video is has given me a chance to actually see the real reality instead of her lies.
Plan for your personal safety first before leaving if you haven’t already... even if you have. Google safety plans. They are biased toward women leaving men, but use the same. Be safe and well. ✌🏽
I'm glad you've seen what's happening. I'm in your position as we speak. Absolutely heart broken at the thought of leaving this relationship but it's far from healthy and I need to realise I am grieving the honest, caring and loving relationship I thought I had/was going to have forever because in reality I'm in love with the potential of the person I have been with for nearly 7 years and not the reality of the lies, anger, blame shifting that I have been dealing with. I've always been the type of man who could accept and move on if a relationship didn't work out. I truly thought I'd found my forever with this girl and it never was the same for her and it hurts so God damn much. How are you doing now? Please tell me it has gotten easier. Thank you for reading this.
@@beboprocksteady1514 Hello mate. My best advice is to bite the bullet and call it a night. Unfortunately, there does exist others with this crazy behaviour which you and I have been experiencing and trying to survive through but if your willing to give yourself another chance?. I Can certainly say that there is light at the end of this tunnel. It's not been easy as I'm sure your aware from your own situations. However, action to leave will be the best thing for you. The longer you give her what she demands, the worse imo here she will become. It is a disease mate and unless they themselves are willing to act and give themselves another chance, nothing you, I, Him or her can do. Anything you do will only add fuel to the disease. Whether you are there or not it will only continue untill she gets help. What's most unfortunate is the conditioned mind set they have. my GF was only 14 when she met a 24 year old man who she had two kids with, one at 15. Her ex husband has abused her for 20 years. Her parents were also abusive. Naturally so they developed a mindset that unfortunately does not fit with the current reality. This is where they need help to improve the flow of unkind thoughts. Most times, their actions happen as violence and anger towards you because their own minds are working according to what it knows best, the pre conditioned abused mindset. Instead of getting help for this painful mindset, they simply think it's their right to abuse you as pre conditioned to help slow there own pain. I'm this sense, professional help is what's needed. I am now out, gone and finding so much more joy in my life to the point I can finally sleep at night peacefully. Best of luck to you mate.
My wife lies about things large and small. When I catch a lie and highlight it, she gaslights me. Tells me she didn’t lie, or she lied because I make her lie? or It’s all my imagination. She never takes responsibility for anything at all. We went to couples therapy and she lied from the moment we sat down. The therapist would even catch her lying or hedging the truth, and she’d deny it to the therapist. The therapist didn’t really stay on point and if I showed any frustration at all, the female therapist treated me like there was something wrong with me for having an issue with her lies.:) I quit couples therapy and then heard the therapist believed the lies my spouse told her. In psychology that’s called therapist/patient transference.
😢 it really is stay tough and don't blame yourself obviously there's a few of us out here that have gotten got. It's definitely senseless I don't get it and at first they're so good at it anyone would believe after awhile it's proven crazy and still denied even when ya show it and that does absolutely nothing. I went crazy then and told em they were pathetic and to never come near me or to ever tell me anything else about anything. I can't take it. In all my 40 years I'd not seen shit at all close to that and still have no idea why?! It's ridiculous
My nephew is 15 and lies about everything. I can’t trust anything he says and I am constantly confronting him and getting in arguments. How should I confront this with him because like you said, confronting him about it, does not help and I am getting tired of it and I am not liking him too much.
I'm not sure, I guess. just telling him that everything he says is pure and utter bull and that you don't believe him on anything he says this worked with my sister who got annoyed then stopped lying
Thanks for the information....it will truely help me to understand when to believe n when not to...I got a great insight to the person I live with ....n better still how to deal with him n his lies
My mother lies about everything. The most what gets me going is when she lies about having serious health problems like a brain tumor, breast cancer, heart attacks, mini stokes and PTSD. Years after that she actually had a stroke. Well she says she had 6 stokes. The doctor asked me when she had breast cancer…….. I said NEVER! She is draining my energy. Now that I needed help with something. She lied again and didn’t even tell me that she couldn’t help. 3 weeks after me asking her she didn’t respond to me calls or texts. It’s like she thought I was going to “forget”. Now she is telling me she has COVID and I wonder why is she in the hospital because she told me she was vaccinated double dose. I sadly can’t believe her at all. We live over 5 .ooo miles apart. So she can tell me anything . I don’t want this to become my karma. I just wanted a normal mother….
Sadly, you have a mother who likes attention, it seems. Having health issues is a common way that narcissistic people play on the emotions of others to garner attention, help, and money. You're wise to do your inner work to erase and replace patterns you may have that are based in your early life with your mother. I wish you well.
I just came to this video because my buddy is being a victim of a crazy psycho liar girl and wanted to know how to deal with this situation, thank you :)
Thank you for this advice! My mother-in-law is a habitual liar who oftentimes is dishonest when I ask her questions regarding the care of my son. She has also lied about where he has been (elaborate stories without being asked), and even seemingly insignificant things like what he had for dinner. After getting 2 different answers to a question, I confirmed by looking at my home cameras. Even after telling her what I saw on the videos, she was still adamant that her second version of the story was the truth and even added a lie about someone else. Out of frustration, I confronted her and told her that I didn’t appreciate the dishonesty and that I needed it to stop. In general, she doesn’t know the basics when it comes to taking care of a child and after every TH info that I’ve experienced, consider her to be a dangerous person. I’ve requested that she not leave my house with him. However, because she is family, I want to find a way to get her some help (while protecting my family at the same time). Is there any information about this that you could point me to? Thanks again.
I don’t mind my friend lying habitually about anything, until I realised that her father whom she said has died seven years ago was actually alive until last month. When I confronted her, she said it’s his uncle who died last month. But her name won’t appear under the children’s list of the deceased if it was his uncle. Instead of admission, she added another big lie. That her mother recently passed away as well (couldn’t say when), followed by a “cousin who was overrun by a car”. Then she said that she’s still grieving at the moment and I shouldn’t bother her dead loved ones. But again, I found out her mother is still alive and no uncle or cousin died recently. She also lied about her two sons. That they were adopted by her parents and one of them died not so long ago. They are both alive and are now in their teens. I have a big room for understanding, all I ask of her is to admit she lied and we can start over again. I see no hope. My fear now is that one day she might actually kill someone! She works in a private care home. She has access to vulnerable people. I hope my fear is just a normal reaction.
Hi, Wow! That is a lot of lying, and about loss or death. I think that you two would have to do much couples' work to understand the depth of the lies in your relationship. You might not be as understanding once all is uncovered. When you have such a grave--and seemingly plausible--fear of what she is capable of, I suggest you get help immediately to make good decisions about this situation. If you want to talk with me, you can at BeAClient.com I wish you well. Rhoberta
😄😄😄 I had a friend that lied over the dumbest things. I could forgive her for those lies, but when she lied about having cancer, that's where I drew the line. She had me rubbing her back, dry heaving, telling me she was going for Chemo, only to find out, from her sister, she had Alopecia. This lie, I just couldn't forgive, since my mom had suffered breast cancer. I cut all ties with her, as I realized she just can't STOP. She lied to my face and said she told me the Dr's had misdiagnosed her. Nope she didn't. She couldn't even get her cancer story straight, to me she had Thyroid cancer, to my husband she had breast cancer. I mean didn't She think we'd talk? I'm better off without her. To date she refuses to apologise by making up other stories. She totally burnt me out.
My biggest conflict with my husband is because he lies about claiming he told me things he didn’t, every time he knows something’s upsetting to me, when I confront him he just says very casually, Oh yeah I told you I was going to do this or that. Makes me feel so invalidated and helpless, it’s very hard to describe.
He told you in his mind not in reality but to him that counts and or he feels that well i am man and she will just have to deal with it me i was this way when she married me there is nothing wrong with me in actuality he's very egocentric
Have you heard him say "I'm sorry you feel that way" ? I heard that so much. My emotions were completely invalidated and my emotions almost seemed to be an inconvenience. Very sad. My trust has been hurt and I hope it can recover.
Two quotes are appropriate to this: "A liar has to have a good memory" and the flip side - Oscar Wilde said "always tell the truth, that way you don't have to remember anything". Another issue mentioned is the stories 'a few degrees off from truth' a half lie is much harder to disprove that a total lie.
Hello! This was a great video. I have a 17 year old son who in the last couple of years has become a pathological liar. It’s so hard. I’ve tried to tell him he’s not ever going to keep a job, friends, a girlfriend if he keeps lying. Tried to tell him to be himself, that he’s got good looks, talent, brains and a good heart. It doesn’t change. In the last year and a half he’s gotten into the gang mentality and swears he’s in a gang. I know he’s not! He’s claimed to have done certain things and there’s no possible way, because he’s been grounded and only goes to school and home for the last year. Anyway…….is there any possible way to turn it around before he becomes this for the east of his life??? It’s breaking my heart!!!!
My husband lies so much I feel like I'm taking crazy pills when he does this. Just the other day, he was on speakerphone with his mother for 45 minutes telling her numerous, extremely hurtful lies about me. I eavesdropped (and recorded!!) the whole conversation. I immediately confronted him and he said he was talking to himself (even though I could hear his mother answering and asking questions). I asked him 10 more times and very straight-faced he kept saying "no". I made him swear to God on his little brother's life and he did! After an hour of back and forth insanity with him he admitted that he wasn't talking to himself, he was having a 45 minute conversation with our pet rabbit. This happens so much I feel like I am not even in real life....like I'm just going through the motions. He lies about everything and has no apologies or remorse. He's never admitted he lies, either. He's obviously mentally ill.
It takes time and experience to learn about pathological liars. We all want to give "friends" the benefit of doubt. We want to be able to be kind and considerate of other people. Who always wants to be suspicious? None of us! Folks don't know how many Hijackals fill the world. Especially professionals with credentials and watch out for sales agents. Great new word you created, Dr Shaler!
Im going through so much I was married to a pathological liar for years. I put up with it for about 10 years and I had a daughter with him. Now the man I've been with for 5 years who has been so perfect and helped raise my daughter from 6 years old, my daughter is saying he did some really bizarre sex assault on her. I took it to the police to deal with and handed her phone to them and the blanket she said he peed cold pee on. It's been a month no arrest and my ex is just hanging out at home saying he's innocent he's not even going to worry. I hear children don't lie about this so I give her the benefit of the doubt but I've caught her in about 10 ridiculous unnecessary lies since all this happened. Ranging from the snack she clearly ate was mine and I ate it (I can't eat food with all this stress let alone snack) to telling me I don't know a video game I play all the time to finding porn on her phone constantly and her blaming him that I KNOW wasn't his because he was long gone and she was watching it. To telling me and the police the wrong password for her phone and then saying we heard wrong. And even she told me she 90 lbs pushed my 170 lb boyfriend off of her and he said wow you're strong, I never heard this detail ever again when we went over the story numerous times. I'm highly concerned and even detectives said it's such an odd thing to do after knowing someone for 5 years. Her dad used to believe he talked to God and Satan and tried to trick me into doing prostitution and he was of course a highly skilled assassin I heard it all. I'm concerned his genetics passed to his daughter and the man I've known for 5 years is innocent.
I had a manager who drove me crazy till I figured out what was going on. Every time anyone left the company she would say they left because their stealing was catching up with them. One day the owner was coming into town. The manager almost had a breakdown claiming she was here to fire her. When I asked why she would fire her she had no answer. She Just looked like she was going to collapse. Then one day she set me up to be fired. I figured it out. She was stealing from the company and it must have gotten out of control so she needed someone to take the blame. I was thinking I would lose my mind! I’ve NEVER known anyone so disturbed and so evil.
What’s good I need some opinions on this situation, So my birthday just passed and my girl bought me a gift, she told me she spent $200 on the gift, I accepted the gift gladly, the following day as I’m scrolling down tiktok I see the same gift she got me for $50, I then ask her to send me a screen shot of the email confirmation from the purchase.. she begins to get offensive and refuses to do so.. this gives me the feeling that she’s caught up in a lie about what she spent and afraid for the truth to come out.. I mean why else would you turn the whole situation into a argument making it seem as if I’m ungrateful for the gift… my thing is why lie to me? If your telling the truth why not clear your name by showing me purchase confirmation? I feel she has issues with being truthful and will do anything in her power to be found as a lier. How should I feel about this? Does it seem like she’s not being honest?
If your woman lies frequently, it is a cause for concern, for sure. Does she? In my opnion, you may be choosing the wrong lie to confront her on. Gifts are just that, without strings (hopefully.) In my opinion, it's best to observe the lies, ask for clarity about them, and calibrate the response. Then, you can decide if this person is sufficiently trustworthy for you to want them in your life, right?
I was dating a pathological liar and she denies everything and lies about the smallest things constantly, it broke my heart to let someone go but I know they won’t change
It is so difficult when you realize that the person you hoped she was was not the person she actually was. #Hijackals love-bomb, and create a persona of being "your perfect soulmate." They hook you on the hope that is true. Then, as their facade slips away, you keep hoping if you compromise, accommodate, and compensate by changing yourself, that original "false" person will return. Reality takes awhile to win, doesn't it? Good for you for caring enough about yourself to say no to people who really don't care about you.
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD - Toxic Relationship Help thank you, do you think that person will ever change ? I just feel bad that she’s gonna live her entire life in a lie and damage so many relationships, she flipped it on me and made it seem like I’m the bad guy when I caught her in lies
@@Mathiah Sadly, it sounds as though she has more tendencies of a #Hijackal than just lying. And, no, she is unlikely to change. AND, definitely, you cannot change her!
@@Mathiah She is unlikely to change. She is an adult, making choices that have consequences. No liar likes to be exposed. Rage is often their response, or the silent treatment.
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD - Toxic Relationship Help so those people are just gonna live in a lie their whole life ? That’s sad, I’ll pray she changes her behavior, no one deserves to live like that
What to do:
1.) Expect a lie & recognize the lie.
2.) Do not confront , repute or engage with the liar. Respond with talking about yourself- “ That’s not how I remember it”.
3.) Respond with neutral emotions. Do not engage with liar. The lie does not alter your truth.
4.) Keep a record of the lies for legal matters.
5.) Keep your distance from the pathological liar.
never confront them. damn. i learned this after being attacked and attacked and attacked. now i keep a journal of all her lies.
Hmm I disagree with most of these so called solutions.
Pretty much what I'm doing but we have kids so it's tough.
Another tactic I heard that works is to stick to one thing only as the liar really wants to take any conversation elsewhere. Just keep repeating yourself and don't let them decide where the conversation goes.
They lie aboit things- age- height- ANY ONE CAN Find out about them_ they are lying to them self!
"that is not how I remember it" , is a great term to use if you are a pathological liar.
Best advice I can offer is this: Set your boundaries AND STICK TO THEM! You can prevent a LOT of hurt and loss of your precious time, energy and resources by recognizing and avoiding those red flags in the early days of a toxic relationship. Know who you are in Christ and never, ever settle for abuse from anyone. You deserve better and Almighty God wants the best for you. It may be scary to leave a toxic person, but you will get through it one day at a time. You are stronger than you think you are and if you ask Almighty God to guide and help you, He will.
Where pathology finds the boundary of delusion... switching from scotch to brandy doesn't help the alcoholic. It is so much the easier to find fault and blame in the our competitors than to
Pathological liars are practiced so much that it becomes like a habituated tic, but it is not necessarily for malicious intent, but often because their lives are bland and non exceptional, and that leads to jealousy of others who actually accomplish things. And thus comes a most hard to swallow lie that serves to make their life at least. Such folks are creative enough to build an entire fictitious story line, which always stops after a few probing questions by the listener.
When a person has adopted a custom of lying, they have checked out on maintaining contiguity, but weaves their own delusion that, at least to them, seems to provide more color, more self-exalting to stature they consider more appropriate to what they believe and deserve.
This form of lying is likely the lessor in the spattered heaps, as it isn't meant to directly harm the other, just elevate their own status in the relationship so as to present their life as being at least as relevant, meaningful, purposeful, and vibrant...and again, some have become such weavers of tales and stories, that taking that family member on a vacation and folks showed effort towards his/her related experiences..
Narcissistic lying on the other hand is one of the most distorted to be considered, as not only is there a detachment from reality to themseced having Such folks not only can weave an intriguing story, but being they have huge empry holes where the tree of esteem should have been implanted, but, let's face it, to the narcisst, it's not just about making themselves feel better in a manner slightly above their "friend," but their friend, their friends life, their friends experiences and knowledge the narcissist, in his recognition that only his exalted life is meaningful. Their lies have typically been purposefully conceived and presented in such manner so as to make their "friends" claims seem lessor if not dubious while asserting in every manner their own confabulations as being both real and much grander in every measure. But it doesn't end there as despite the grand deillusion spun, often spiced generously with gaslighting their friends attempts to figure out what if anything is true about what the narcissist had spun over time. And again it's still further to go to find the where the outer layers end and the web comprising the core is even pierced. For narcissists devalue all others, as much as they exalt themselves, for the other only exists as an extension if themselves, and really are only considered as entertainment like a cat plays with its captured mouse. To the narcissist the axistance of other people in the world serves but one purpose: to be toyed with, degraded and confused by the narcissist such as to not only show their superiority (in most unarmed of uncivil and immature manner) but the anxiety/insanity that follows that their "friend" actually feel as a result serves as emotional food for the narcissist. They are vampires of another nature.
Then there are he more schizoid schizefreniform, lies who seem to have a ripple in their consciousness whereby a delusional story line is created, often dealing with conspiracy or being hunted elements. However, such is often the result of brain trauma and is not meant to he used to maliciously hurt another, though they may become entwined in the delusions which are presented with certainty of conviction.
Then of course the is the sociopath who has even less regard for the other than the narcissist. While the narcissist requires the confusion cast Tommie the other and exalt themselves, the sociopath doesn't have the need to make others lessor for their own elevation ( as to them its already a given), but simply because others exist only for the brief entertainment they provide to the sociopath when messing with their heads. Otherwise, other folks really have no value, or even autonomy--being but dumb drones, are thus they are not worthy enough to be merited any consideration. If they die, there is another drone hat will replace them.
And if course there are a few more, like those having borderline personality disord. Such folks will skew things they hear in the direction they want it to go, such as to manipulate others, and often couple their issue with playing the victim roll, since they believe others are out to get them for nefarious intent.
Lying is part of the human character, albeit from the little white lie such as to avoid issue arising from the nonconsequential, to the biggest of them all: that little green men are angels and God not but a computer.
Came across this at 11111
Yes red flags from day 1, I must be color blind bc I ignored them.
Lied to since day 1.. 13 years later the truth came out.
Thank you
So happy not to be alone with experiencing liars and narcissists! It feels less isolating
You're SO not alone.
@@ForRelationshipHelp Just wanted to hear this.
When she said they love to exaggerate their accomplishments and lie about the stupidest tiny things then admit it half ass after argue or fights then go on to call u crazy paranoid or mental for thinking that way 😳
So crazy-making, right? After awhile, it can cause you to second-guess yourself and question your sanity, I know.
Sounds like narcissism to me.
Oh this. Now I started to doubt myself. He makes me feel like I'm the crazy one
So sick of people lying. They're like parasites slowly eating you up. Like, they don't have to lie!!! Grrrr. Sooo annoying!!!
So annoying, and so telling! Good people to distance yourself from, right?
Absolutely true and it draining
Many liars are not happy with themselves. Or they grew up in a household of addictions and disfunction where everyone lied. Not saying you should stick around though.
Yes. They are like parasites slowly eating u up. Lol. Annoying is the best word to describe them liars.
Well......good thing I already see myself as a parasite so it’s a greater thing to be called one.
Lying by omission is also very damaging - this must be part of their game. Anything that distorts the truth for the other person - said or unsaid - is lying.
Very well said.
they do not lie; they just wait THIRTY YEARS to tell the complete Truth( meet my brother who writes nutty Letters)
My own brother told everyone ' carol is Sneaky' ( gossip man) back StaBBER SIBLING who needs him...
@@carolnahigian9518 Familiar to me unfortunately. Delayed truth. Horrible.
Yes, exactly this. My ex never straight up lied, it is always the half-truths, omitting the full picture to her advantage. She even created a division between me and my friends and it was super hard for me to gain their trust back. When I told my version, it always included the bad part I was responsible for, which confirmed her version in their eyes.
I left my Wife because of her constant lying. It was centered around money. I continually caught her lying about how much was (being spent) missing. I know she was gambling. I had a paper trail that led to her getting caught. She continued to lie and tell me how crazy I was. That it was my paranoid and delusional thinking. One time we ran out of paper bowls that we use for the wet dog food. It was a Sunday evening. She insisted that she needed to go to the dollar store for these paper bowls. I pointed out the obvious “we can use a cereal bowl this one time until tomorrow when we are going to be out and about anyway”
Nope!!! She insisted on going. It turned into an argument and that I didn’t trust her (which was true) and what did I think she was going to do?
I didn’t tell her “I think you’re going to go play video poker” Which is what she did because she came home a totally different person. She was all full of endorphins and happy like she just had a couple shots of Jeager.
I had already made the decision that I was going to leave her so it didn’t matter to me at all. I left her 2/7/2020. My life is so so so much easier and happy. I didn’t realize how much work it was to be with her. I’m Not sure why I’m writing all this. Maybe because it might help someone someday.
Thanx Rhoberta👍❤️✌️
With much respect and sincerity,
Rick
Thanks for writing. Your story may be just what someone needs to hear.
I'm glad to hear that you're experiencing more peace when you are not constantly walking on eggshells. That's a terribly tiring way to get exercises, isn't it?
I wish you well.
Rhoberta
EVOLVE FREELY Hi and thanks for chiming in. I have a hundred+ examples of her lying to me on digital recording. A person can say “that’s this type of lying or it’s that type of lying”. To me it’s LYING. I know a couple of factual things:
$30,000.00 gone
She broke my nose and went to jail (that episode was prompted by me asking her where all the money was disappearing to)
I left her
I’m happy
I could go on and on and on about what went down over a period of 2 years. It was fckng nuts. I’m so happy I finally got the courage to leave her.
Take care.
@@PLUM-rp9lt I understand what your saying. My ex is the same way. He lied about everything. And wouldn't see our daughter because hes a alcoholic and would ignore her phone calls so to avoid having to spend time with her and then he would lie to everyone and say I was keeping her from him and then when i would confront him about it he would try to still put the blame on me, to my face. Like I know what I saw and what I heard. Or like when he loses his jobs, hes a alcoholic so he can only keep a job for a short time and then go back to bumming off everyone. He got fired and then he would try to tell me and everyone that he was so great at his job and the blame would always been on the company as to why he lost his jobs. He just constantly lied about things. I caught him cheating and had tons of proof and confronted him and got him to admit it....but even after he admitted he did those things, he would still blatantly try to lie to my face.
I remember one year for st. Patrick's day I wanted to stay home that evening and do a family thing with just him and our daughter, he kept making plans for us to go out and I kept telling him I didn't want to and then he turned around and told our daughter "your mom was the one that wanted to go out, I wanted to stay here".
It's a constant lying game.
Thanks for sharing. In my experience, money is the best tool for finding out the true character of a person. I find that it's all about selfishness. Lying is just the symptom. The more selfish a person is, the more they lie. In a world of temptation, everything can become an addiction. I find so many people are on medication and/or drugs, including myself. This sickness of addiction affects everyone, with almost no exceptions.
I believe that if you can find just one unselfish person you can have hope. Other than that it's all about save yourself or die. Glad you were able to save yourself, I had to too. It's not easy, that's for sure. I had to just about die first before I realized I was going to die here. What doesn't kill you really does make you stronger if you survive.
@@MrOTcomputer Thank You for sharing🤙
Thank you for this. My mother is one. It borders narcissism, I think. Everything is about making her look good or to be a victim. It's infuriating to watch.
Yes, it's infuriating and frustrating, for sure. The fear of not winning in every moment is what drives Hijackals of various stripes to lie. Pathological liars, of course, are often narcissistic tendencies which makes the lying more ingrained.
I have the same as you describe, the simplest of discussions result in lies and untruths being said which over the years simply undermine the relationship at its core level. Hates being called out about it and the idea she could be exposed to others showing her true character seems to be her biggest fear - really sad and quite toxic.
My mom too. I love her but all the time she claims that “her and the governor” are trying to change things. She says that almost daily. 🤯(knowing no truth to it)
This sounds like President Biden. The constant lies, inflated self importance based on others accomplishments, and the amount of gaslighting is off the charts. It’s so infuriating listening to him and his administration, that help him perpetrate the lies.
I just had to file for divorce after uncovering such a major lie that my soon to be ex husband kept for our entire 3 years of dating was so absolutely disgusting that I could not see working through things . And as another comment is so perfectly added, it seems like he’s afraid of being exposed by certain people in his family and particularly his mother will, in my opinion, make him take the secret to the grave.
"what?! Really? That doesn't make any sense." Yes..I live with one. Lies for no reason at all. About anything and everything.
Hi! How do you respond to them beyond what you wrote? How well does it work...😉?
Ugh! Been there, done that. Found out about two-three years in, that everything I thought I knew of them was false. Lied just to lie...also had dilusions of grandeur.
I am so hurt by somebody very close to me lying to me pathologically even when I said I would accept anything. The lies are even about things that don't even matter at all so I feel like I'm not trusted and I also feel bad because I find myself suspecting what I hear all the time = _= I feel so confused and guilty and angry. Thanks for your words, Doc!!
I just meet someone..one year ago. And I think he is lying continually. I didn't want to accept that and I want to believe him but now every time he talks I am like ok let see what he is going to say this time. Is so annoying.. Is first time I meet compulsive lair. I don't know what is worse.
Horrible 😖😟
re: how to respond. The only long-term solution is to get away from such a relationship (going ‘no contact’). If you cannot, due to it being family, shared child custody, or other sometimes complicated reasons, try to go Gray Rock (‘lo contact’).
Really enjoyed this... I needed something to open my eyes and reassure me I'm not crazy... Thank you so much! Great info and advice❤️
Glad it was helpful!
My husband lies about anything and everything. Thank you.
You are so welcome
Mine too and I actually can’t stand being around him. I’ve dealt with the over exaggerating whatever but the compulsive lying makes me disgusted. It’s seriously either a disease or a curse. All I know it’s a living nightmare I’m slowly trying to detach from.
Seriously my husband too lie for small things..that drains me...
And there it is"Power and Control." I'm exhausted.....I have tried all angles and avenues to get him to stop the BS. 😪 I fell in love with a pathological liar.
That's a difficult relationship, for sure.
Thank you for mentioning about pathological liars inflating numbers. My sibling wants to become an entrepreneur, and any time I speak with him, he mentions how much money he is making. Numbers are so large now he's apparently a millionaire running a worldwide empire, in literally a few months. It is maddening.
I've had them say to me "If you know I'm lying then why you ask me if I'm lying? " Or "If you know I'm going to get mad when you ask me then why you ask me?" Then they would tell me "You just want to argue or you're looking for something to argue about"
🤦🏾♀️ Can't say nothing. I don't even confront the lies anymore because I'm going to get called crazy, want to start an argument, or I'm looking for something to fight about smh. Like honestly I don't even be knowing about some of the lies at first, then later I will find out through them saying something they obviously forgot they lied about or I'd just randomly without trying to but I'd find out.. I'd stumble across something or it'll just hit me like hold up... they lied they butt off. I don't know what's true or what's a lie almost because they are so often, random, and for no reason. Very stressful.
You're so right! That's how pathological liars--and many #Hijackals--roll. Exactly those responses. The question is always, then, why continue a relationship with them? Sometimes, it seems unavoidable, and other times, it's a welcome choice.
Oh god! Suffering from same situation right now..
So often! It makes me feel insane like I'm losing it
If someone lies about feeding a dog, that person will lie about anything. One lie makes anything said questionable.
I have to say Dr Roberta you help me so much tonight with your explanation how you define things. Very easy to understand and so well spoken to relate to very many different people, being so broken down and understandable. You're so on point again thank you so much for validating my decision about getting rid of somebody that is a pathological liar. Heaven Sent for real thank you so much again for your wisdom and encouragement
This honestly helps in my case. The constant lies. Made it so difficult at times to see what was really going on. When ever I called her out on it. She just started screaming and/or crying. Saying things like "I thought you cared about me", "Why are you attacking me". Frequently followed by another lie about the reason she had to lie. Never taking responsibility for anything. Then try and twist it to look like it was all my fault she never did anything wrong.
I always felt like I was taking responsibility for when I screwed up , but not even once has she apologized for anything she has ever done. Even when the lie was obvious to everyone around. She always acted like she knew my every motivation. When I tried to just walk away she start crying about how much she needs me. That she loved me. It hurt and it honestly still hurts some even now.
I'm glad it helps. Your story is such a clear example of these behaviors. I hope you're beyond the manipulation now, and away from further hurts.
Thank you very much for this life-saving information! Besides, your voice is sooo soothing, listening to you calms me down and empowers me❤
You're so welcome. I'm glad you find it empowering.
L
Yes. Those ‘I’m the mostes’ bragging statements were my first sign of being with a troubled person. It was astonishing.
The part where she said liars like to say "Everyone hurt them" so they can be victimized is important.
I had an ex-lover (will never mention his name) who said his ex's did him wrong because he has a lot of money. That should've been a red flag, because little did I know at the time he had a lot of toxic traits. 😂😂😂
Ironic that abusers like to fall behind the "muh poor childhood" excuse. Had a male friend screaming at me who was allegedly a former scapegoat too. Yet incredibly used that as an excuse to scream at me for trying to pick up a few pieces of loose tobacco.
I used to use this excuse to be a victim of bad relationship with an ex-girlfriend too, as in continuing to have any association beyond the point of any reasonable return.
They say that curiosity killed the cat. But so did sympathy too!
Ultimately, I get really sick of some of the people on TH-cam comments excusing their bad behavior with this as if it's a legit excuse.
Some of the most wonderful people I knew had way worse childhoods with their parents than those monsters.
I've seen people use that excuse to continue their torturous marriages years longer than they should have. But at some point, it's not an excuse, but a rationalization! And I'm too old to reason away with that bullshit any longer(at 48).
If it walks like a power trip, talks like a power trip, it IS an annoying power trip that NO ONE needs!
Thank you doctor! My fiancé lies to get out of troubles and out of fear. We have been in couple therapy for a little more than a year now. We love each other so much but this is becoming a big problem when we communicate. I find myself unable to believe what he says. He has a traumatic childhood and our therapist cannot get him dig deeper. I feel like I have grown so much through therapy but he didn’t. I have put our engagement on hold as I am tired of being the bigger person all the time. Thank you for your videos!
You are so welcome. I'm glad to hear that you are in therapy BEFORE you commit to a life together. You're wise!
Thank you so much for this! My adult daughter does this. She lied about having a car wreck among other things. Now she says her doctor told her she has cancer but she won't go for a biopsy. She is driving me insane!
My eldest daughter is also a liar. She was finally exposed I'm sad to say because it took the suicide of my second child on the 12th of September 2023 to bring her lies to light. She had caused my children to be estranged from me for the last 5 years. I have 4 children all together. My first grandchild was born 2 years ago and I've only just met him. I had no idea it was my own daughter manipulating my other kids. I have a narcissistic mother and I was the scapegoat and I have two siblings that go out of their way to denigrate my character so I assumed it was my siblings. Now kid 1 has been exposed she's trying to regain control but she is being met with opposition. So now she's spreading lies about my third child being rude and nasty to her. It's insidious and so disrespectful that she's lashing out and making everything about her as soon as my son died. And I mean on the day he died she did it. To really convince me that she's most likely a sociopath she got married 5 days after my sons funeral and didn't invite her sisters because they're talking to me. She had a whole month to reschedule, there were less than 10 people in attendance all up and she's posting pictures all over facebook like it's completely fine. I couldn't even eat 5 days after my son's funeral let alone attend a wedding. A lot of my friends saw her Facebook and didn't say anything to me about it. It's distressing and worrying. She recently told my 3rd child that she was histrionic and her son autistic all because kid 3 didn't want to talk to her when she showed up unannounced and uninvited to kid 3s house and pester her to talk to her. I've told kid 3 to get FVRO but she's living with her dad who just happens to side with kid 1 and won't even listen to kid 3's perspective. And he's not even kid 1's biological father. He attended the wedding and he let her plan the funeral and she made sure that me and my youngest daughter were not included in the eulogy or given a chance to speak. We both requested songs to be played and that was muted also. She's got her stepfather in her back pocket and they totally hijacked my son's funeral. So much time and energy being spent on kid 1 and her behaviour that it's distracted us all from properly grieving for my son. I'm actually going to go get some counselling about all this as it's deeply hurt me. She's also got my mother on side who's trying to tell me my youngest 2 are the liars. Absolutely won't hear anything else about it. I just think that it's tragic that my son had to die for the truth to be revealed. He was such a loving and caring boy and he loved his younger sisters. He struggled with medical resistant depression for 6 years and just left the house one morning and committed suicide at a public location where he wouldn't easily be located until later that morning. And my ex husband called my eldest daughter to tell her he was gone before me. Just so wrong. 😢
I deal with a person who will forget that he is lying and repeats lies he tells other people about me.I still love this person but the lies are starting to affect my mental health and my sleep. I'm trying to find a way to find trust again. Like when anything serious happens Now I have to ask if he is telling the truth. It sucks
If this is an ongoing behavior for your partner, this sounds like a good person to love from a distance. You cannot trust a pathological liar. About anything. Period. And, yes, it sucks, big time. 😒
Google ‘Gaslighting’. Important
to get away from ‘chronic invalidation’ and smear campaigners.
I was dating one that is just like that and we were together for 6 years, the lies has never stopped, even I have being calm but it got even worse. It won't change.. I love him and it breaks my heart to go but I had to and I end up leaving him 2 days ago.. He is 49
“I’m going out to eat some worms” lol My mother used to sing us children that song when we’d be looking for pity because we had to do things we thought we shouldn’t have to! You took me back to my childhood and a mother who would not let us be victims of our own self pity!
They lie about lying
Yes, they do. Sad, frustrating, infuriating, and endless.
Wow! You have certainly described my soon to be ex-husband. He would always say so many things and then the next day, he would deny it.
I just realized two nights ago that I have been dating a pathological liar. I unfortunately made the mistake of also moving into an apartment with him... And now I am stuck in a lease with him until February 2021.
I am not a doctor, so I know I can't make that his official diagnosis-- But just about everything you have shared in this podcast is spelling everything out that has been going on. It is really damning and it is tearing me apart, knowing that the whole relationship was practically an act from his end.
Despite everything, I am grieving for the good/positive sides I saw in him. That I experienced with him. He seemed perfect during the first 3 months... And then afterward he shifted and it got dark. I tried to hang on to hope that things would get better.
He always is quick to blame me. I will admit, I have been trying to look internally and recognize issues within myself too. I want to change the issues with myself... But living with this man now is getting in the way of my mental health and well being. He is constantly trying to control me.
I hate that now I have to teach myself to realize when he is lying, and to adjust my reactions so he doesn't get gratification from them. It is like I have to learn to take everything he says as actually the opposite. Or at least, that is what this whole experience has done to my psychological well-being.
I wish I had the finances to get out. I feel like a moron for not seeing what was going on before we signed a lease. But I wish so badly he wants /to/ change himself. He is never going to be happy. Maybe I won't either..?
I almost took my own life even because he was literally telling me, to my face, "You haven't been paying your share of the rent." I always pay my half (even if sometimes it isn't the full amount due, and I do feel bad for this).
Now that he knows I have caught onto his pathological lying, he does various things to continue to hurt me. Whether it is ignoring me, not reacting when I try to talk to him, or lie some more, or look to me as if I am some horrible monster.
I grieve for the good in him that is buried deep down and will most likely never resurface. I grieve for the milestones in a relationship we can never achieve together.
I wish there was no such disorder. Or would you call this a disease? I miss my boyfriend so bad... I wish I didn't have to let him go.
I'm glad you let him go, and I hope he will let go of you, too. Yes, there is definitely grieving for what you hoped might be and could become. It's sad, but people with the traits of disorders almost never have an interest in changing. I wish you well.
@@ForRelationshipHelp Thank you so much. My guard is definitely up until I am able to move out.
Wow my mind is blown! I am currently in this situation. It's so frustrating because I often question everything that he tells me. We share a son now...😩😭
It is SO difficult, I know. And, its' important to question everything, once you recognize the lying patterns. He'll lie to your son as well, and that can cause more difficulties and pain.
4 year relationship dealing with this just broke up yesterday thank god
It is very difficult to deal with pathological liars, especially when your primary relationship is with you. I hope you continue to experience relief.
Good for you! Run for your life. Don’t get sucked back into the vortex.
My wife is a perpetual liar, just found she lied about our taxes, she spent 5k and told me the refund was delayed by COVID. We have a newborn, I’m divorcing her, I can’t live with her anymore.
So difficult! I certainly understand why you need to move on. I hope you can keep your baby safe from the distress this mom could cause. Do you have a plan for that?
Thank you so much for this audio Dr Shaler! You have precisely described someone I was working for , for about a year and a half. She was driving me insane with her pathological lying and embellishing. Hording info to herself, taking credit for things that I did, would not answer questions directly, making statements about her experience that would somehow sound factually different when she would describe the same experience later to another person, etc etc. These are just a few things- I have NEVER in my life met someone with so many mental issues- and a huge ego made of glass. She blamed me for the problems that we had working together, and yet she was the one perpetrating ALL of events in question. I eventually was able to make a lateral move to another location, and I can finally sleep at night, and I hardly even drink anymore - lol.
I'm not a young person, and I have worked with ALOT of different people in my life, and never, ever met anything like that person- absolutely the worst working experience ever.
That is so stressful and so disappointing to have someone in your worklife that is that difficult! I'm so glad you were able to shift your working environment and take care of yourself.
Are all pathological liars suffering from Narcissist Personality Disorder? This video was so on point and incredibly helpful. So needed to hear this right now, thanks!!!
Hi! You're so welcome! I'm glad the video was helpful.
That's a difficult thing to affirm for sure. I've had clients who were pathological liars as a result of deep-seated childhood insecurities, and aside from the lying, were quite pleasant, reasonable--though unreliable--humans. The only way in which they were abusive is the lying.
#Hijackals, though, think nothing of lying to "win in the moment" or "get what they want." So, the reverse is more true: people with the traits of personality disorders are more likely to be liars, pathological or not!
I hope that helps.
Rhoberta
@@ForRelationshipHelp I tried to reply but my long message was halfway deleted for some reason after posting. Thanks for your helpful insights, it's brought me a lot of clarity! :)
Pathological liars
She describes my mother! It took me 45 years to realize that.
My grandmother was a manipulative liar. When called out on her BS she would deny, deny, deny, lie some more, twist the truth, etc. When she couldn’t wiggle out of it, she would cry & blame her age, failing memory, poor health, etc.
Nasty! I'm glad she was called out, though of course, it didn't change much. Good for you for seeing her behavior so clearly.
My sister is a pathological liar. Every time she speaks I’m thinking.... “yeah right!”. One of the things that really annoys me about these people is that they have the luxury of having people around them who are honest and the liar feels secure in that honesty. Woe betide the person who lies to the liar!! I have cut my sister loose at long last. I can’t say that I feel better because I really do love her but I feel different and that has to be the beginning of better things to come.
Good for you! You've taken a step towards peace. Knowing you're being continuously lied to is wearing, and the basis of the relationship can be quite flawed, right? Loving her from a distance can be a good thing. I wish you well.
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD - Toxic Relationship Help - Thanks Roberta and thank you for your excellent video. It helped a lot. 🙏
My dad still believes my idiot little sister who lies about the smallest shit just for all of us to look at her for two seconds during her bogus stories. She always needs something to complain or talk about
I have shared the " embellished ' situations of horrendous injustices some people have experienced, and they were truth not lies, because they were in difficult situations, with toxic people, and wrongdoings. I am sure in your profession, you understand this perspective. Thank you for your insight, and giving me another angle on my thinking. One's character is consistently most important, and understanding that each person must FIRST, recognize their lapsed integrity, and seek
change. The great preacher Billy Graham spoke about the issues you emphasize
In one of his sermons entitled "Choices" .
Had a girlfriend who lied constantly and changed the narrative of history. Got sick of it one night and recorded an argument (it’s legal here). Later on she tried once again to change what was said and all that. I probably shouldn’t have but I threw my phone down and played the argument. She cried and said she sounded crazy and that she needed help. I genuinely felt bad but thought hey maybe this will be the fix. Nope. Next day she was right back to her old ways as if it never happened. I probably got punished for doing that in some way too. I’m sure they could but they won’t change.
“Hijackals” has been trademarked 🤣
Yes, I trademarked it years ago.
I’m here as I am lying down trying to get my blood pressure down as my mental health now affects my physical health due to being married to this type for 10 years. I just caught my husband pretending to be me via text to get someone to do something for him. Every day is toxic.
It was helpful just to listen to your voice as it’s pleasant. We have been to therapy for years so I’m going to have to stop engaging in his behaviors as it’s my only choice.
Thank you for your information and hopefully I will find better days.
I hope you find better days, as well. What does your therapist say about his lying, impersonating, and pretending?
It is almost comical when my 75 year old husband was hiding cigarettes. I saw him. He has been lying about smoking. (Lies about every little thing). As a high school guidance counselor/coach he would write in grad cards to the kids, “The true test of a man's character is what he does when no one is watching.” You know, he never once cited this either. I will. Coach John Wooden. Quite ironic.
Kind of scary how much i relate to this, my partner and I are long distance, I started wondering alot as most of the conversations, are usually about her being a hero, or "bragging" about her friends even though it really isnt relavent to the conversation.
When i pointed that out, I was met with such things as "I feel like your attacking me" and "well your tone is being aggressive" when all i did was calmly point out, i don't need to know your friend is the "number 1 " player in his country when i already heard that many times before. - i was met with, it was important to note because of the culture they live in, pride and ego is everything in their country. Whilst the last part holds truth i felt like, it was just to shut me down, rather than say "oh its not really relevant".
Just one of many things, i noticed... the hero thing happens either She saved the day or her friends did but she had a part to play in it.
As you see these patterns, does it make you question the relationship?
I grew up in a family of lies. What a dumpster fire.
Thank you for this. I recently found out that a friend, who I already knew bullshits about his life, trauma bonded with me over a lie about someone close to him on their death bed who had already been dead for years. I have ben on the fence about what to do, because I was dealing with trauma over recent loss myself. The immorality of what happened is undeniable, and yet I feel like it isn't worth spending the emotional energy on a confrontation as it stands. Part of me thinks that if I confront them will change...but maybe that is a conceit. I know that they don't intend to hurt anyone, and perhaps letting them know that hurts would be a thing to do, but I don't know....I just don't know.
My daughter is a pathological liar. We have known this for about 27 years. She is 35 now, and her children are now lying, about anything and everything. I want to help my grandkids learn to not lie, but how? Without shaming their mother to them? The advice I hear from most experts is to distance yourself from the liar. What if it is your child?
That's a difficult one! Whether you're dealing with your daughter or the grandkids, I think it is important to always state neutrally and genuinely: "I know that is not true." Repeat, when necessary. Share with them statements like this: "I know it's best to tell the truth." "People trust people who tell the truth." etc. You may have to set a non-negotiable boundary: "You'll have to leave if you lie." or "When I know you're lying, I'm leaving." And, follow through...every time.
The children have learned by modeling from their mother. Do you know where your daughter learned to lie, or did she always do it? Little children spin tales often, but grow out of it.
My whole life has been a series of my trust being crushed over, and over. I can't be happy in a relationship, or a friendship. It's truly a miserable existence. I hope nobody knows this feeling. Most of the time I wish I wouldnt wake up.
That's sad, and difficult. Have you had any specialized help to make shifts in a positive direction towards better quality relationships? Sometimes, that's creates the impetus you need to create new patterns. I wish you well.
@@ForRelationshipHelp I have, as a member in a recovery fellowship. I have a sponsor and a group of like-minded individuals who I have been in communication with lately. I realize it's part trauma and part character defect. It's something I must work on every single day, and lean on my faith in all times (especially when I feel alone).
@@xxx-jigsaw-xxx213 phuk positive as well as being negative,......just (be) move through it undeterred. Master this shit
❤
My ex wife after our divorce lied nonstop about how awful and abusive I was. I’m talking about saying I was physically and sexually abused, not just mentally. She convinced our children they were in danger if they wanted to see me. My daughter was in 6th grade and would never go against her mother. It was so sick the things she would say about me. Our son was to young to even remember us being married but he won’t have anything to do with me either. The court system refused to enforce its order. It’s so sad that both my children are just like her. Lie for no damn reason. I can’t figure out why my children, who are smart kids believe everything their mother says and are doing the same thing. After 5 years in the courts trying to have a normal response with my kids I gave up.
They can't possibly be human dude it's fckincrazy on a level that's hard to even phantom exists and shouldn't exist! Literally no point to it besides pure evil exhaustion waste of everything and whomever gets off on that constant drama and BS I just don't understand why/how. Suppose blessed not to! Not saying I'm a perfect person but my Lord it's hard to even explain it and have it be understood how some of these people are without you lookin like the crazy one and for what?! Maddening
@@FoolintheRainSDMFmakes no sense to me either. Evil is the only answer I have.
My husband decided to lie to me according to him for no reason or he doesn't know why he lied. He lied about where he had lunch. Seems like a small lie right? This lie bothered me more so because he looked me straight in my eyes and lied three times. He also made me feel like I was crazy for even questioning him. Well I found the receipt and he definitely had lunch that day and paid for only his meal. To this day I still don't understand why he lied. This has destroyed my heart. My trust in him is gone. This is the only lie I know of. Other times he has failed to mention that he went here or there. I can't help to wonder what else has he lied about. Is he a pathological liar and I just don't see it?
Hi, Tina,
Yes, that is a strange thing to lie about. Were there other things happening in his life or in your relationship at the time of that lie? Please consider that one lie in a relationship doesn't break trust, but can make you question it. It sounds like there are other things going on.
If you'd like to talk, use my new client offer: BeAClient.com
Otherwise, respond to my question here and we'll continue the conversation.
Rhoberta
I'm so glad I found this channel. Now, I understand why a family member lies and exaggerates so much.
Welcome aboard! I'm glad you've found it, too. I hope you find it helpful in many ways.
My best friend lied about his finances and career. He told me his company plane took him to Italy and Puerto Rico. He’s just an ordinary guy who is unemployed with a broken car living in a rundown apartment. But he creates all these stories. I had no choice but break off the friendship even though I loved him dearly. It got to the point where he would put down my life for working a 9 to 5 job
Good for you for releasing that person. People who lie are a lot of work and take up a lot of mental and emotional real estate.
Wow! I have been doing ALL of the wrong things! I have been remembering details of this person’s stories and then weeks later those details change slightly, but with the use ofABUNDANT tiny details. I have confronted them out of emotions and it gets flipped entirely onto me, as if I did xyz, that I’m actually the liar, that I am deflecting my past relationships onto him. This causes intense anger and/or rage even when I can contain my emotions. The word “liar” is a huge trigger must be. I wish I’d known what to do in these times. It happens everyday about ANY number of things.
The 47 people who disliked the video are just mad their game is being exposed.
...maybe, they're lying...lol!
Good one. Lol
Your channel deserves millions of subscribers, really helpful. Thank you so much.
I was dating a pathological liar. I just blocked her number and stopped talking to her. Its sad that someone has to lie about everything all the time. She was weird for lying about everything all of This video just reinforced everything i knew she was doing. Pathological liars are super weird.
Yes, pathological liars are confounding, and cause you to shake your head, right? I'm glad you found validation in the video!
They lie like a carpet. Thank you for helping with the response!
My brother is a teen pathological lier and it makes me feel like shit that I sometimes have to gaslighting myself cause he'd start crying or screaming victim or throwing numbers and percentages around to validate his consistent nonsense and discrediting my ability to remember by claiming they know what they said since they said it.
That's very difficult...and SO good that you see what's happening. Can you step back and observe his behavior rather than thinking you can change his behavior? That's a good first step. Once you realize someone is a seemingly pathological liar separating your emotional self from their lies is a great first step.
I’m watching this in order to try to understand someone. I recently dated someone I thought I was going to marry. It was a long distance relationship. I thought I had found my soul mate. He is a MASTER at manipulation. I found out from various people after he was arrested for burglary and put in jail that almost everything he told me about his life was a lie! Even the smallest things like having a dog back in his home state; it turned out the dog belonged to a neighbor. I found out that he was abusive towards his exes, and was addicted to pills (most notably adderal).
He made himself out to be the victim AND the savior in his current living situation and he played me like a fiddle! I thought I was VERY adept at sensing bad people, but I turned out to be very wrong. I have such a guilty conscience that it is very difficult for me to lie. Watching this video is helping me to understand this person because I simply cannot.
He also used bits and pieces of other people’s lives to construct a false image of his own life. Do these people even realize they are doing this???
Hi, Jonathan,
Whew! You dodged a bullet. Yay! There is likely more to this person's personality issues than only pathological lying. Have you watched many of my #Hijackal videos? Did you see anything in those that was also preset in this relationship frequently?
To answer your question about whether or not they know they are doing it, consider this: do they do it to everyone, or just to those closest to them? That's the first criterion. For example, #Hijackals (as I've said in several videos...lol) paint a public image of perfection which at home create a private place of pain. They know what they do and choose their behavior by location, situation, and relationship.
Cheers,
Rhoberta
I wanted to know more on this type of personality thinking it was about lying only. I didn't realize there is a marked personality behind the entire behavior storm. What is amazing to me is it clearly described a person from my past that I always described as so ridiculous that they just can't be described and yet here you are doing it! While this person had some narcissistic and sadistic tendencies even that didn't quite nail down what I'd seen. This does. I just want to express my gratitude to you for opening my eyes to something I've been searching for a very long, long time. Much love.
Thank you Dr Shaler. My spouses behavior changed and when I asked him questions, he would lie and then get mad and berate me saying I was crazy. It was the worst psychological abuse I had ever experienced. Ultimately he was caught trying to purchase sex with an escort. Came out of that situation leaning into his lie even more and ultimately it was my fault in his mind! I experienced everything you said. Your points on bragging or in his case, posing as a victim were spot on.
You're right about the smoke indicating fire, for sure! I'm sorry you have to experience this firsthand.
My friend’s 11 year old son is a pathological liar, it’s completely out of control and she enables him and acts like he’s telling the truth when it’s obvious he’s lying constantly about anything and everything. My friend has borderline personality disorder and I wonder if this is the cause of the child being a liar, he goes into a rage when confronted with his lying and swears, shouts and becomes aggressive, he never admits that he’s lying. I actually feel unwell after spending time with them both, I’ve reached the stage that I just want them out of my life. Her son doesn’t have any friends and claims that every friend he makes is bullying him, his attempts at friendship only last a few weeks and then there’s some huge drama. My friend has holes in her walls and doors at home from his temper tantrums. I pointed out his lying before and he actually said that I was the one lying and the mother believed him so I find this child could be dangerous and I refuse to be alone with him in case he makes up something about me. He’s extremely unpleasant in other ways as well as his pathological lying.
If we really want to protect others feelings from our words it is best to keep silent than to lie at all.
Lying has no place in respectful communication. (Yes, I know there are little "social" lies that spare someone's feelings, but that's a little suspect, too. )
Being silent rather than lying is wise. However, silence can lie, too, by omission, right?
Another approach is to consciously speak in ways that are totally kind and totally honest at the same time. When we take care of how we speak in that way, we do our best to be empathetic and communicate clearly and honestly.
Unsettling and devastating. I value honesty and integrity beyond all else. The father of my children created a whole persona that bore no resemblance to the reality.
You’re right. They are engaging. I am going through something right now with a liar. Recently, I blocked them on Facebook because she keeps getting angry and accusatory of me. But now I think that I did not handle that well because I reacted in anger.
Gwendolyn H,Hope you are not with a narcissist.....
Just ended an engagement. He was a pathological liar since day one. Turns out he’s still married - so couldn’t get married to me. Honesty is a high value of mine. Of course he lied about lies and it just never ended. I’m hurt that I had to be the one to end things. He’s completely moved on which I feel means even his love for me was a lie.
Oh, you dodged a bullet! Congratulations!
Yes, it's sad to have to think that he may have been using you rather than loving you. Have you listened to other episodes of mine on Hijackals? It sounds like he may be one.
@@ForRelationshipHelp no but I will soon
I'm sorry you had to go through this. Is it still hard to deal with or is there definitely light at the end of the tunnel.
It's nice to hear that there are really people out there who want honesty. My partner and I built our relationship around always being honest no matter what after she had been lied to and cheated on her whole previous marriage. I made it clear in my own mind and hers that I would not lie.... Guess what..... She has been lying to me and is absolutely making me out to be crazy for pointing out so so many things that don't add up. It's literally demolished my visions of ever having a relationship with another woman again because I genuinely thought I'd met the most honest (brutally honest sometimes to the point of hurt) person I could ever have wished for.
I hope you're healing well. X
@@beboprocksteady1514 wow that's really too bad, sorry that your trust in women is forever tarnished! I hope that one day someone who is actually honest and true walks into your life. Thank you, I am healing quite well actually, better than I imagined
My husband is a high jackal. He lies and rages when you call him out on his lies. He has a PR team of liars.
My husband as well. I hope you found your peace. It's humiliating when he accuse me of cheating when i'm with his family all day and night and he claims they are lying together with me. But I can't leave him as I love him. My only comfort is his and my family backing me up due to his track record. My only saving grace is we are attending couple counselling where I document and proof of lies. I hope you find your inner peace & space to manage as it is utterly exhausting.
@@rinatan8515 sorry you are going through this. Maybe he thinks you are cheating via online? Emotional affair?
My husband communicates with side whores online. He is at home but he is emotionally not present in the home, his head is in the clouds. My husband’s family make excuses for his bad behavior, so it is not uncommon for family to side with family. But the verbal and physical abuse my husband has caused me can’t be explained away. The reported abuse to the police explains my truth.
You just made me feel so much better about everything thank you
This video really helped to get a base line of what this is all about. Gets you started to define exactly how and what this is. A lot of people dont lie as a career or occupation, its very difficult* to organize what is a lie and how sever the lie is. Some people live lies and the actually dont know the difference any more. One is the sky is pink -we all know the sky is not pink, and one is " I always understood whats going on" or maybe I can love you and maybe they cant. Determining what is going on takes a reflection of what is real, that is scary because maybe other peoples sense of reality isnt understanding whats going on either, scary! the sky is blue, im a girl, the forest has trees, the beach has an ocean, some things are simple others are more like opinion your likeable, hes cute, the sunrise is the best part of the day, subway has the best sandwiches, your house is beautiful. Some lies can never be as immortalized or lessons we should know before we become injured, ***Their is a part of history in case law that False--appearing to be the thing denoted; deliberately made or meant to deceive*** has existed for 100's of years. How do you find the truth
Such good questions! So much is subjective, for sure.
However, when dealing with a pathological liar, you are likely very aware that their pattern of representing the world they see demonstrates their inability to keep a story straight for long. Their view changes with their need to feel right and/or secure in each interchange.
I have a cousin who I've been suspecting is a pathological liar for a while now. It's always been a passing running joke in our family that she lied/lies a lot and I never really got it until we became adults (we're in our 20s). It's gotten to the point that I can't even tolerate holding a conversation with her because I know she's going to hijack the conversation to talk about herself and tell such embarrassingly obvious lies... to the point where I feel almost insulted lol. And she copies, ever since we were children. Recently we were on the phone and she took (I'm not sure if took is the best verb here but I'm not sure what else to put lol) a memory/habit I've had since I was a child - and it's a VERY specific dietary habit, we've joked about it at family gatherings, it's something my parents and even friends often nag me about- and as she was "retelling" this memory of mines from her own false experience all I could do was sigh and tell her I have to go so I can hang up... it's painfully annoying. I've been avoiding her recently and had to tell my mom not to talk about me with her or her mom because I know if she hears that I'm doing something she's going to either try to do it too or she's going to lie and say she was already doing said thing.
i actually had to stand up to my cousin who tried portraying me as a pos to my mom and other people in my family by lying about stuff i did in his head. he never could accept that he’s not better than anyone and no one cares about what he does. it’s really hard to get someone like that away from you.
You created the term hijackle?? It's genious!
I kept hearing you say it and thought you were saying "Hyde-jeckles" like a play on "Jeckle and Hyde!"
Anyway "Jackle" like the hyena type animal is VERY fitting!
If you've ever been an honest person that stumbled into a group of narcissists it reminds you of a nacional geographic video where a lion wanders into the hyenas territory.
I call it the:
"multiple personalities getting together for a Cluster F" Disorder.
😅😅😅
Thank you for your videos!
My niece is living with my husband and me for the last 4 years. She is constantly lying about things and playing the victim. I love her deeply, but it reached a point I don’t even trust to be around her anymore, and it is destroying our relationship.
That sounds frustrating and difficult! Liars are very wearing to be around, for sure.
Good advice on this powerful subject I'm dealing with a pathological liar and now I'm in court with this person very soon.
My ex was a pathological liar (I left her, I assume she still is). She once lied about smoking a cigarette just seconds after seeing that I'd seen her smoking one after she claimed to have quit for weeks. Childish stuff, took me several more years after realizing what she was before I finally said later.
I’ve known a few. I severed in the Army for ten years and met a few and then known two as a civilian. I’ve always wondered since I met one in Korea. I even asked him if he can help it. He was embarrassed and clearly wanted out of the conversation and given that I was a sergeant and he was a specialist. He couldn’t really tell me to go stop. But I let him go anyways because I was uncomfortable also. Can they help it? Or is it a overwhelming need to feel important? Sorry if my sentence structure sucks but I hope the faceted that I severed as a Army Navy Seal/ door gunner for the space shuttle Recon Marine will make up for it. Okay I made that last part up. But seriously can they help it? I knew one when I was in the National Guard as a private and what struck me so strange about this man was that he was a combat vet. He had fought in Panama. He had his combat patch. So in 96 there weren’t many war vets around and he was cool enough as it was. But he would lie about everything. So it made all of his stories invalid. Also knew a retired Colonel. Same thing. So I didn’t believe he had been a Colonel until one of my supervisors told me he had seen his military ID. It doesn’t make sense. If you are already so accomplished. Why lie?
Many people feel the need to embellish their accomplishments and life stories. It's sad that they feel the necessity to lie to feel better about themselves, for sure.
As a pathological liar people kinda put us in a box as "abusive" or "manipulative" like, I lie and am quite emotionally numb most of the time but damn, I feel attacked :T Its not always the illness that's bad, sometimes its just the combination with the person..
You're right. Many people habitually lie for different reasons with different underlying causes. Trauma can be one of them. Insecurity another. I wish you well.
I think you should consider the effect your pathological lying has on the people around you, your loved ones, etc. People who are manipulative/abusive rarely realize that they're being manipulative/abusive. As someone who has been the victim of an abusive pathological liar, I have trust issues to this day, 5 years later. And those people are usually the victim of trauma themselves.
No excuse for habitual lies
How can we believe anything you just said? You’re a pathological liar.
@@swanningabout no one suggested it was an excuse. but its more nuanced then they're just "bad people" a good bit of the time.
Currently with a girl I plan on leaving.
When we first met, she explained many horror stories of anger, violence and lies.
She had told me her ex were all these things and more. Over a period of 3 years those horror stories have and are, happening to me.
She tells me what I'm to say to help her convince herself of her lies. If I reject , violence and anger is her response.
This video is has given me a chance to actually see the real reality instead of her lies.
I sounds like you have made a wise and healthy decision to end this relationship. I wish you well.
Plan for your personal safety first before leaving if you haven’t already... even if you have. Google safety plans. They are biased toward women leaving men, but use the same. Be safe and well. ✌🏽
@@melaniedawn9255 Thank you, your advice is exactly what i plan to do, much appreciated.
I'm glad you've seen what's happening. I'm in your position as we speak. Absolutely heart broken at the thought of leaving this relationship but it's far from healthy and I need to realise I am grieving the honest, caring and loving relationship I thought I had/was going to have forever because in reality I'm in love with the potential of the person I have been with for nearly 7 years and not the reality of the lies, anger, blame shifting that I have been dealing with. I've always been the type of man who could accept and move on if a relationship didn't work out. I truly thought I'd found my forever with this girl and it never was the same for her and it hurts so God damn much.
How are you doing now? Please tell me it has gotten easier. Thank you for reading this.
@@beboprocksteady1514 Hello mate.
My best advice is to bite the bullet and call it a night.
Unfortunately, there does exist others with this crazy behaviour which you and I have been experiencing and trying to survive through but if your willing to give yourself another chance?. I Can certainly say that there is light at the end of this tunnel.
It's not been easy as I'm sure your aware from your own situations. However, action to leave will be the best thing for you. The longer you give her what she demands, the worse imo here she will become.
It is a disease mate and unless they themselves are willing to act and give themselves another chance, nothing you, I, Him or her can do.
Anything you do will only add fuel to the disease. Whether you are there or not it will only continue untill she gets help.
What's most unfortunate is the conditioned mind set they have. my GF was only 14 when she met a 24 year old man who she had two kids with, one at 15.
Her ex husband has abused her for 20 years. Her parents were also abusive. Naturally so they developed a mindset that unfortunately does not fit with the current reality.
This is where they need help to improve the flow of unkind thoughts. Most times, their actions happen as violence and anger towards you because their own minds are working according to what it knows best, the pre conditioned abused mindset.
Instead of getting help for this painful mindset, they simply think it's their right to abuse you as pre conditioned to help slow there own pain.
I'm this sense, professional help is what's needed.
I am now out, gone and finding so much more joy in my life to the point I can finally sleep at night peacefully.
Best of luck to you mate.
WoW! Thanks Dr. You helped me alot in understanding all of this.
My wife lies about things large and small. When I catch a lie and highlight it, she gaslights me. Tells me she didn’t lie, or she lied because I make her lie? or It’s all my imagination. She never takes responsibility for anything at all.
We went to couples therapy and she lied from the moment we sat down. The therapist would even catch her lying or hedging the truth, and she’d deny it to the therapist. The therapist didn’t really stay on point and if I showed any frustration at all, the female therapist treated me like there was something wrong with me for having an issue with her lies.:) I quit couples therapy and then heard the therapist believed the lies my spouse told her. In psychology that’s called therapist/patient transference.
I'm sorry that you had such a poor couseling experience. That was certainly not supportive for you. Are you staying with your wife?
I hate that I’m listening to this realizing now what I’ve really gotten myself into…it’s heartbreaking
😢 it really is stay tough and don't blame yourself obviously there's a few of us out here that have gotten got. It's definitely senseless I don't get it and at first they're so good at it anyone would believe after awhile it's proven crazy and still denied even when ya show it and that does absolutely nothing. I went crazy then and told em they were pathetic and to never come near me or to ever tell me anything else about anything. I can't take it. In all my 40 years I'd not seen shit at all close to that and still have no idea why?! It's ridiculous
My nephew is 15 and lies about everything. I can’t trust anything he says and I am constantly confronting him and getting in arguments. How should I confront this with him because like you said, confronting him about it, does not help and I am getting tired of it and I am not liking him too much.
I'm not sure, I guess. just telling him that everything he says is pure and utter bull and that you don't believe him on anything he says this worked with my sister who got annoyed then stopped lying
Thanks for the information....it will truely help me to understand when to believe n when not to...I got a great insight to the person I live with ....n better still how to deal with him n his lies
Yasmin Tapia,You look cute,Hope you are not with a narcissist....
My mother lies about everything.
The most what gets me going is when she lies about having serious health problems like a brain tumor, breast cancer, heart attacks, mini stokes and PTSD.
Years after that she actually had a stroke. Well she says she had 6 stokes.
The doctor asked me when she had breast cancer…….. I said NEVER!
She is draining my energy.
Now that I needed help with something. She lied again and didn’t even tell me that she couldn’t help. 3 weeks after me asking her she didn’t respond to me calls or texts. It’s like she thought I was going to “forget”.
Now she is telling me she has COVID and I wonder why is she in the hospital because she told me she was vaccinated double dose.
I sadly can’t believe her at all. We live over 5 .ooo miles apart. So she can tell me anything .
I don’t want this to become my karma.
I just wanted a normal mother….
Sadly, you have a mother who likes attention, it seems. Having health issues is a common way that narcissistic people play on the emotions of others to garner attention, help, and money.
You're wise to do your inner work to erase and replace patterns you may have that are based in your early life with your mother. I wish you well.
I just came to this video because my buddy is being a victim of a crazy psycho liar girl and wanted to know how to deal with this situation, thank you :)
You're very welcome!
Thank you for this advice! My mother-in-law is a habitual liar who oftentimes is dishonest when I ask her questions regarding the care of my son. She has also lied about where he has been (elaborate stories without being asked), and even seemingly insignificant things like what he had for dinner. After getting 2 different answers to a question, I confirmed by looking at my home cameras. Even after telling her what I saw on the videos, she was still adamant that her second version of the story was the truth and even added a lie about someone else. Out of frustration, I confronted her and told her that I didn’t appreciate the dishonesty and that I needed it to stop. In general, she doesn’t know the basics when it comes to taking care of a child and after every TH info that I’ve experienced, consider her to be a dangerous person. I’ve requested that she not leave my house with him. However, because she is family, I want to find a way to get her some help (while protecting my family at the same time). Is there any information about this that you could point me to? Thanks again.
I don’t mind my friend lying habitually about anything, until I realised that her father whom she said has died seven years ago was actually alive until last month. When I confronted her, she said it’s his uncle who died last month. But her name won’t appear under the children’s list of the deceased if it was his uncle. Instead of admission, she added another big lie. That her mother recently passed away as well (couldn’t say when), followed by a “cousin who was overrun by a car”. Then she said that she’s still grieving at the moment and I shouldn’t bother her dead loved ones. But again, I found out her mother is still alive and no uncle or cousin died recently. She also lied about her two sons. That they were adopted by her parents and one of them died not so long ago. They are both alive and are now in their teens. I have a big room for understanding, all I ask of her is to admit she lied and we can start over again. I see no hope. My fear now is that one day she might actually kill someone! She works in a private care home. She has access to vulnerable people. I hope my fear is just a normal reaction.
Hi,
Wow! That is a lot of lying, and about loss or death. I think that you two would have to do much couples' work to understand the depth of the lies in your relationship. You might not be as understanding once all is uncovered.
When you have such a grave--and seemingly plausible--fear of what she is capable of, I suggest you get help immediately to make good decisions about this situation.
If you want to talk with me, you can at BeAClient.com
I wish you well.
Rhoberta
😄😄😄 I had a friend that lied over the dumbest things. I could forgive her for those lies, but when she lied about having cancer, that's where I drew the line. She had me rubbing her back, dry heaving, telling me she was going for Chemo, only to find out, from her sister, she had Alopecia. This lie, I just couldn't forgive, since my mom had suffered breast cancer. I cut all ties with her, as I realized she just can't STOP. She lied to my face and said she told me the Dr's had misdiagnosed her. Nope she didn't. She couldn't even get her cancer story straight, to me she had Thyroid cancer, to my husband she had breast cancer. I mean didn't She think we'd talk? I'm better off without her. To date she refuses to apologise by making up other stories. She totally burnt me out.
My biggest conflict with my husband is because he lies about claiming he told me things he didn’t, every time he knows something’s upsetting to me, when I confront him he just says very casually, Oh yeah I told you I was going to do this or that. Makes me feel so invalidated and helpless, it’s very hard to describe.
He told you in his mind not in reality but to him that counts and or he feels that well i am man and she will just have to deal with it me i was this way when she married me there is nothing wrong with me in actuality he's very egocentric
Have you heard him say "I'm sorry you feel that way" ? I heard that so much. My emotions were completely invalidated and my emotions almost seemed to be an inconvenience. Very sad. My trust has been hurt and I hope it can recover.
Two quotes are appropriate to this: "A liar has to have a good memory" and the flip side - Oscar Wilde said "always tell the truth, that way you don't have to remember anything". Another issue mentioned is the stories 'a few degrees off from truth' a half lie is much harder to disprove that a total lie.
amazing video! I am dating one right now and it is definitely for him to have control, manipulate, and play victim. Disgusting behavior!
What did you do then? I feel like I am too dating a guy like this😢
How do i get a (or throw off guard) a pathological liar who stole something from me to give it back?
Is it worth a police report? Or, is getting out of the relationship worth whatever they stole?
Hello! This was a great video. I have a 17 year old son who in the last couple of years has become a pathological liar. It’s so hard. I’ve tried to tell him he’s not ever going to keep a job, friends, a girlfriend if he keeps lying. Tried to tell him to be himself, that he’s got good looks, talent, brains and a good heart. It doesn’t change. In the last year and a half he’s gotten into the gang mentality and swears he’s in a gang. I know he’s not! He’s claimed to have done certain things and there’s no possible way, because he’s been grounded and only goes to school and home for the last year. Anyway…….is there any possible way to turn it around before he becomes this for the east of his life??? It’s breaking my heart!!!!
My husband lies so much I feel like I'm taking crazy pills when he does this. Just the other day, he was on speakerphone with his mother for 45 minutes telling her numerous, extremely hurtful lies about me. I eavesdropped (and recorded!!) the whole conversation. I immediately confronted him and he said he was talking to himself (even though I could hear his mother answering and asking questions). I asked him 10 more times and very straight-faced he kept saying "no". I made him swear to God on his little brother's life and he did! After an hour of back and forth insanity with him he admitted that he wasn't talking to himself, he was having a 45 minute conversation with our pet rabbit. This happens so much I feel like I am not even in real life....like I'm just going through the motions. He lies about everything and has no apologies or remorse. He's never admitted he lies, either. He's obviously mentally ill.
Omg. That's so true. He tries to tell me i didn't listen very well but I did listen but the story was different.
That's the cycle, for sure! Sad.
It takes time and experience to learn about pathological liars. We all want to give "friends" the benefit of doubt. We want to be able to be kind and considerate of other people. Who always wants to be suspicious? None of us! Folks don't know how many Hijackals fill the world.
Especially professionals with credentials and watch out for sales agents. Great new word you created, Dr Shaler!
What to do when a coworker keeps lying trying to create conflict and division?
Help for toxic relationship: Avoid anyone that use the term "toxic" about other people.
Im going through so much I was married to a pathological liar for years. I put up with it for about 10 years and I had a daughter with him. Now the man I've been with for 5 years who has been so perfect and helped raise my daughter from 6 years old, my daughter is saying he did some really bizarre sex assault on her. I took it to the police to deal with and handed her phone to them and the blanket she said he peed cold pee on. It's been a month no arrest and my ex is just hanging out at home saying he's innocent he's not even going to worry. I hear children don't lie about this so I give her the benefit of the doubt but I've caught her in about 10 ridiculous unnecessary lies since all this happened. Ranging from the snack she clearly ate was mine and I ate it (I can't eat food with all this stress let alone snack) to telling me I don't know a video game I play all the time to finding porn on her phone constantly and her blaming him that I KNOW wasn't his because he was long gone and she was watching it. To telling me and the police the wrong password for her phone and then saying we heard wrong. And even she told me she 90 lbs pushed my 170 lb boyfriend off of her and he said wow you're strong, I never heard this detail ever again when we went over the story numerous times. I'm highly concerned and even detectives said it's such an odd thing to do after knowing someone for 5 years. Her dad used to believe he talked to God and Satan and tried to trick me into doing prostitution and he was of course a highly skilled assassin I heard it all. I'm concerned his genetics passed to his daughter and the man I've known for 5 years is innocent.
I had a manager who drove me crazy till I figured out what was going on. Every time anyone left the company she would say they left because their stealing was catching up with them. One day the owner was coming into town. The manager almost had a breakdown claiming she was here to fire her. When I asked why she would fire her she had no answer. She Just looked like she was going to collapse. Then one day she set me up to be fired. I figured it out. She was stealing from the company and it must have gotten out of control so she needed someone to take the blame. I was thinking I would lose my mind! I’ve NEVER known anyone so disturbed and so evil.
What’s good I need some opinions on this situation,
So my birthday just passed and my girl bought me a gift, she told me she spent $200 on the gift, I accepted the gift gladly, the following day as I’m scrolling down tiktok I see the same gift she got me for $50, I then ask her to send me a screen shot of the email confirmation from the purchase.. she begins to get offensive and refuses to do so.. this gives me the feeling that she’s caught up in a lie about what she spent and afraid for the truth to come out.. I mean why else would you turn the whole situation into a argument making it seem as if I’m ungrateful for the gift… my thing is why lie to me? If your telling the truth why not clear your name by showing me purchase confirmation? I feel she has issues with being truthful and will do anything in her power to be found as a lier. How should I feel about this? Does it seem like she’s not being honest?
If your woman lies frequently, it is a cause for concern, for sure. Does she?
In my opnion, you may be choosing the wrong lie to confront her on. Gifts are just that, without strings (hopefully.)
In my opinion, it's best to observe the lies, ask for clarity about them, and calibrate the response. Then, you can decide if this person is sufficiently trustworthy for you to want them in your life, right?