Can you make a video, or is there a video of whenever you finally talk to someone who is a secure attachment, but find it hard to differentiate if there's an actual lack of chemistry or if it's just that you're not used to having peace? I hope this makes sense 😅
this is a great suggestion! i would LOVE to see their thought process and the emotional state they go through in this. what does a HEALTHY way look like? :)
I'm an anxious leaning somewhat secure. The guy I'm talking to does everything I wish the previous guy did (DA), but I feel there might be a lack of connection/chemistry. I can tell when my anxious thoughts kick in, "will I be making a mistake leaving just b/c of ONE thing?" Probably not b/c maybe we're just not compatible & thats ok, "Will I really find someone else that will treat me THIS good?" I'm sure the answer is yes, but it's just hard leaving someone that is treating me right & the not being able to tell the difference from lack of chemistry or if I'm not supposed to feel anything b/c I'm not used to not getting triggered? I don't get the need to want to spend every time with him or text him often, which I used to think was normal, but I know now that it's ok to not have to do all those things often. The issue is am I not wanting to do those things from lack of being into him or is it because I feel secure around him or both 😭 I've heard that insecure attachments tend to find secure ppl boring, which is why I've tried to give it time to try & figure out what's going on. One things for sure is talking to an SA does make me feel like not going back to putting up w/ppl that trigger me & only be around those that give me peace 💓
I personally think it's a misconception that if you talk to someone that has a secure attachment, it would feel boring / there won't be a spark or chemistry / you'll think they're uninterested etc. Secure attachment isn't equals to boring, or incompatible, or slow. I've dated someone with a secure attachment before and there was 100% chemistry. Trust your gut. If you feel there's connection, go with it. Don't stick with someone who you don't feel a connection with and lie to yourself that it's probably that way because they have "secure attachment". Granted, whoever you're dating shouldn't flare up your anxiety. But if you automatically think that if someone doesn't flare up your anxiety, they aren't the one, talk with your therapist. Anxiety isn't equals to connection, let's stop conflating the two.
Something I found very hopeful in my recent couple years of dating life. You can’t change a person, but most people who care about you can and want to change behaviors to treat you the way you want. Sometimes you just have to do the scary thing and communicate.
Would it be possible for an example how to say it? I asked my gf if she'd like to know why I am the way I am (I just figured out I'm most likely Anxious and they are Avoidant) I sent a 6min video and they made an excuse why they haven't watched it yet after over an hour.
-Incompatible partner &/or not interest in growing the relationship -Communicating your needs in a way that is disconnecting -You aren't expressing your needs, expecting them to mind read -You diminish yourself due to your core wounds
Biggest challenge I find is the reason I don’t get my needs met is bc I typically always end up with DAs. It’s a pattern I know I need to break. It’s disheartening to always put yourself in a relationship to only feel like a burden or an inconvenience and beg for someone’s time and effort toward the end. It’s a very self defeating pattern that usually ends pretty sadly. Not healthy at all
I love this video, my ex was fa, me ap and we had a fiery start but we both didn't know how to communicate needs and struggled with conflict repair (them stonewalling, me activating strats). Of course the dynamic sounds toxic but my biggest regret is letting my anger and resentment get the better of me. Looking back I was the chosen one with my ex. There were vulnerable about their childhood, they wanted to introduce me to friends (their family lives in japan), and they utterd the phrase "I care about you" which is the closest to I love you I think one gets with FA's. I hope to win her back in a few weeks.
@Sunbeam that's interesting, my fa said it in the late stages of our relationship, around when we were having lots of conflict. When she said it I could tell it was really hard for her to do she said it with a soft tone while looking away from me. Unfortunately it looks like I can't get her back. I did what I could with what I learned but I guess repairing what we had is too tall a task emotionally for her
If you caught the FA coming out of a relationship with a DA, the openness they have with you in the honeymoon phase is amazing. That's what they wanted in their relationship with the DA. But if you're an AP, the "this has to be to good to be true" and "I don't deserve this" probably hit them like a tons of bricks. It's great that you recognize the dynamics and know that your anger and resentment may have gotten to you, but don't dismiss the fact that you deserve someone whose needs and wants match with yours and are willing to work, overcome, and grow in a relationship with you. BTW, I'm an America in Japan for about 20 years in a marriage with an avoidant wife (which I think is quite common here). I've come to think that attachment styles are definitely culturally related as well. Especially since most Japanese fathers rarely have much to do with the lives of their children.
Thank you Steve! Have you considered joining the school? We have lots of ways to help you process the breakup in a healthy way and heal your core wounds as well. Good luck ❤❤
another great video! APs also don't speak up because they fear hurting the partner so much that that they rather hurt themselves unfortunately. They fear seeing the partner getting triggered and hurt, APs rather take that on themselves (codependency/enmeshment) It's beautiful how giving APs are but definitely need to work on self to protect their hearts❤ Thank you Thais, love you❤
On the subject of diminishing self - I know I do this. I am consciously aware of it, but I really struggle to not do it. I feel like, to the best of my ability to recall, every time I have "taken up space" to see if someone was going to show up, they never have. The opposite in fact. Whenever I have expressed my needs or boundaries, the person has left. So here I am stuck in the AP-DA dance for the past two-and-a-half years, after being stonewalled multiple times, and having outlined quite specifically that I have no problem giving her space, that the only thing I need is that I am given notice that space is needed, and that not once being met, I am powerless to do anything but wait her out, while she recalibrates her feelings minus her fears. And if I can't get this one specific and repeated need met, why bother expressing any more needs? Granted, every time we go through the cycle of her stonewalling and falling off the radar, we come back together and we do grow and work on things together. Our most recent conversation was about needs. I didn't even know what to tell her except "I don't really even know what mine are." and she agreed to work with me to figure that out. Two weeks later, she's disappeared again, with only small bits of conversation, essentially outlining that she doesn't need anything from me, and isn't sure she wants me. Why does this sh*t have to be so diffucult?
I’ve tried all these and still 10 months of a new marriage nothing is happening, we aren’t even intimate at all, I’m so hurt, I gave up and don’t even want it anymore. I do resent him because we have talked about sooo many times, and never have I ever said, you, I don’t know 🤷♀️ if I should leave or try counseling. He wants to continue but I don’t think I can get over the neglect after so long, I have never had to beg a man for affection and I’m not going to and don’t even like him to touch me!! 😢
Chemistry (lust and limerance) attraction and romance does not create relationship success. Compatibility is crucial. Evolved and aligned with you. Dating has become selfish. People are interested in getting their needs met. Hookup culture has destroyed dating.
I'm a FA but found someone who doesn't communicate about the negative AT ALL. I FELL SO HARD FOR HIM. BIG. I can't put my finger on what his dynamic is. He has been disrespectful and I won't be treated that way. So I left. My heart is broken. I miss him. But, I know I deserve to be treated w respect. I was a DAMN GOOD WOMAN TO HIM.
In the 10 years we lived together, my AP ex spent a few hours at his mom's the day of my birthday. I'm FA, got triggered and was mad at him. 6 months before he broke up, on vacation, I was triggered when answered a call while we were walking. In my mind he could have waited and called back when I was driving for example, but he's a people pleaser. Later I told him I expected us to spend all our time together during the vacation. He said he couldn't do that. I always felt I wasn't his priority, pleasing other people was...
@@sunbeam9222 I never made demands to spend all our time together, in fact he recognized he was free to go out without me or things like that. The one time I told him wasn't right after it happened but much later. We did do a few things apart on holiday, but yes, there was probably some codependency in there! I don't think I ever became his priority in those 10 years ..
Same things apply with this video but if they're not willing to show up for your needs and they respond with something nasty and hurtful then it's time to cut the chord.
@nightsideoveden ok I actually watched the video now. I definitely don't communicate my needs. Mostly cause I don't even know what they are exactly lol And he definitely doesn't view relationships as give and take. They're like, 2 individuals coexisting.
@water2chick well if you don't get the nasty response then you might get somewhere with them. The two people coexisting mentality is usually their MO in relationships.
![🎤 ไปกันต่อออ! จับฉลากร้องเพลง x P’ #XXSIVK [EP.2] (1/2) เพลงของใครจึ้งสุดน้าา 💓🎤 #MXFRUIT](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/mLI_K0sAS4o/mqdefault.jpg)
Can you make a video, or is there a video of whenever you finally talk to someone who is a secure attachment, but find it hard to differentiate if there's an actual lack of chemistry or if it's just that you're not used to having peace?
I hope this makes sense 😅
this is a great suggestion! i would LOVE to see their thought process and the emotional state they go through in this. what does a HEALTHY way look like? :)
I'm an anxious leaning somewhat secure.
The guy I'm talking to does everything I wish the previous guy did (DA), but I feel there might be a lack of connection/chemistry. I can tell when my anxious thoughts kick in, "will I be making a mistake leaving just b/c of ONE thing?" Probably not b/c maybe we're just not compatible & thats ok, "Will I really find someone else that will treat me THIS good?" I'm sure the answer is yes, but it's just hard leaving someone that is treating me right & the not being able to tell the difference from lack of chemistry or if I'm not supposed to feel anything b/c I'm not used to not getting triggered? I don't get the need to want to spend every time with him or text him often, which I used to think was normal, but I know now that it's ok to not have to do all those things often. The issue is am I not wanting to do those things from lack of being into him or is it because I feel secure around him or both 😭 I've heard that insecure attachments tend to find secure ppl boring, which is why I've tried to give it time to try & figure out what's going on. One things for sure is talking to an SA does make me feel like not going back to putting up w/ppl that trigger me & only be around those that give me peace 💓
I personally think it's a misconception that if you talk to someone that has a secure attachment, it would feel boring / there won't be a spark or chemistry / you'll think they're uninterested etc.
Secure attachment isn't equals to boring, or incompatible, or slow. I've dated someone with a secure attachment before and there was 100% chemistry.
Trust your gut. If you feel there's connection, go with it. Don't stick with someone who you don't feel a connection with and lie to yourself that it's probably that way because they have "secure attachment".
Granted, whoever you're dating shouldn't flare up your anxiety. But if you automatically think that if someone doesn't flare up your anxiety, they aren't the one, talk with your therapist. Anxiety isn't equals to connection, let's stop conflating the two.
@Kaach Sports I needed to hear this...thank you 🫶🏻
Woud love this as well
Something I found very hopeful in my recent couple years of dating life. You can’t change a person, but most people who care about you can and want to change behaviors to treat you the way you want. Sometimes you just have to do the scary thing and communicate.
It's scary but it's the only way ❤
Agreed!
Agreed. It's someone's responsibility to change and heal themselves.
Would it be possible for an example how to say it? I asked my gf if she'd like to know why I am the way I am (I just figured out I'm most likely Anxious and they are Avoidant) I sent a 6min video and they made an excuse why they haven't watched it yet after over an hour.
My partner says he cares when I communicate my needs. But consistently doesn’t do anything.
-Incompatible partner &/or not interest in growing the relationship
-Communicating your needs in a way that is disconnecting
-You aren't expressing your needs, expecting them to mind read
-You diminish yourself due to your core wounds
Thanks for outlining the points!
Biggest challenge I find is the reason I don’t get my needs met is bc I typically always end up with DAs. It’s a pattern I know I need to break. It’s disheartening to always put yourself in a relationship to only feel like a burden or an inconvenience and beg for someone’s time and effort toward the end. It’s a very self defeating pattern that usually ends pretty sadly. Not healthy at all
Healthy relationships are based on equality reciprocity and mutuality.
8 Dates is an excellent book.
I love this video, my ex was fa, me ap and we had a fiery start but we both didn't know how to communicate needs and struggled with conflict repair (them stonewalling, me activating strats). Of course the dynamic sounds toxic but my biggest regret is letting my anger and resentment get the better of me. Looking back I was the chosen one with my ex. There were vulnerable about their childhood, they wanted to introduce me to friends (their family lives in japan), and they utterd the phrase "I care about you" which is the closest to I love you I think one gets with FA's. I hope to win her back in a few weeks.
Wish you all the luck! ❤ your maturity and self-awareness are amazing.
I'm FA and we absolutely say I love you.
@Sunbeam that's interesting, my fa said it in the late stages of our relationship, around when we were having lots of conflict. When she said it I could tell it was really hard for her to do she said it with a soft tone while looking away from me. Unfortunately it looks like I can't get her back. I did what I could with what I learned but I guess repairing what we had is too tall a task emotionally for her
If you caught the FA coming out of a relationship with a DA, the openness they have with you in the honeymoon phase is amazing. That's what they wanted in their relationship with the DA. But if you're an AP, the "this has to be to good to be true" and "I don't deserve this" probably hit them like a tons of bricks. It's great that you recognize the dynamics and know that your anger and resentment may have gotten to you, but don't dismiss the fact that you deserve someone whose needs and wants match with yours and are willing to work, overcome, and grow in a relationship with you. BTW, I'm an America in Japan for about 20 years in a marriage with an avoidant wife (which I think is quite common here). I've come to think that attachment styles are definitely culturally related as well. Especially since most Japanese fathers rarely have much to do with the lives of their children.
It's very, very hard to communicate your needs when you've rarely received them from anyone in life.
Thanks! You keep reminding me that I need to leave, but still I hang on.
Thank you Steve! Have you considered joining the school? We have lots of ways to help you process the breakup in a healthy way and heal your core wounds as well. Good luck ❤❤
another great video! APs also don't speak up because they fear hurting the partner so much that that they rather hurt themselves unfortunately. They fear seeing the partner getting triggered and hurt, APs rather take that on themselves (codependency/enmeshment)
It's beautiful how giving APs are but definitely need to work on self to protect their hearts❤
Thank you Thais, love you❤
On the subject of diminishing self - I know I do this. I am consciously aware of it, but I really struggle to not do it. I feel like, to the best of my ability to recall, every time I have "taken up space" to see if someone was going to show up, they never have. The opposite in fact. Whenever I have expressed my needs or boundaries, the person has left. So here I am stuck in the AP-DA dance for the past two-and-a-half years, after being stonewalled multiple times, and having outlined quite specifically that I have no problem giving her space, that the only thing I need is that I am given notice that space is needed, and that not once being met, I am powerless to do anything but wait her out, while she recalibrates her feelings minus her fears. And if I can't get this one specific and repeated need met, why bother expressing any more needs? Granted, every time we go through the cycle of her stonewalling and falling off the radar, we come back together and we do grow and work on things together. Our most recent conversation was about needs. I didn't even know what to tell her except "I don't really even know what mine are." and she agreed to work with me to figure that out. Two weeks later, she's disappeared again, with only small bits of conversation, essentially outlining that she doesn't need anything from me, and isn't sure she wants me. Why does this sh*t have to be so diffucult?
I’ve tried all these and still 10 months of a new marriage nothing is happening, we aren’t even intimate at all, I’m so hurt, I gave up and don’t even want it anymore. I do resent him because we have talked about sooo many times, and never have I ever said, you, I don’t know 🤷♀️ if I should leave or try counseling. He wants to continue but I don’t think I can get over the neglect after so long, I have never had to beg a man for affection and I’m not going to and don’t even like him to touch me!! 😢
How do you take up space in a positive way?
To be seen, heard and known
Thank you so much. Communicating our needs in a calm positive way, is important.
❤
Chemistry (lust and limerance) attraction and romance does not create relationship success.
Compatibility is crucial. Evolved and aligned with you. Dating has become selfish. People are interested in getting their needs met. Hookup culture has destroyed dating.
Can you talk more about diminishing yourself.. like I don't want to be a burden... where is the wound coming from..
Excellent advice, reinforcing positives is so important because it increases the attraction
❤
Good plan. I like a deadline idea
I'm a FA but found someone who doesn't communicate about the negative AT ALL. I FELL SO HARD FOR HIM. BIG. I can't put my finger on what his dynamic is.
He has been disrespectful and I won't be treated that way. So I left. My heart is broken. I miss him. But, I know I deserve to be treated w respect. I was a DAMN GOOD WOMAN TO HIM.
Is it possible to get priority in LDR?
Love this, thank you for how much you’ve helped me already.
Thanks. Really grateful for your content, its reassuring and practical.
Thank you for this motivational video
You’re a gem 💎 Thais xxx
wow, i feel targeted lmao i was literally just asking myself this
❤
Great points as always!!
Hey! 2:30, ships in the night, another Patrick teahan reference!
In the 10 years we lived together, my AP ex spent a few hours at his mom's the day of my birthday. I'm FA, got triggered and was mad at him. 6 months before he broke up, on vacation, I was triggered when answered a call while we were walking. In my mind he could have waited and called back when I was driving for example, but he's a people pleaser. Later I told him I expected us to spend all our time together during the vacation. He said he couldn't do that. I always felt I wasn't his priority, pleasing other people was...
@@sunbeam9222 maybe. Probably. Is it too much to expect from a partner to be more of a priority than other people?
@@sunbeam9222 I never made demands to spend all our time together, in fact he recognized he was free to go out without me or things like that. The one time I told him wasn't right after it happened but much later.
We did do a few things apart on holiday, but yes, there was probably some codependency in there!
I don't think I ever became his priority in those 10 years ..
@@sunbeam9222 yes I think I did. It's really those triggers though...
Nice top!
How do I sign in for the 14-day trial and NOT BE CHARGED????
Thanks for making this video!
Of course! You're very welcome ❤
Should you comunícate that you’re giving a time limit to work on and for things to improve though? Wouldn’t that sound like an ultimatum or a threat?
From a past video where she spoke about time limits, I don’t think she suggested telling your partner that you’ve set a limit
❤.. it makes sense
All these reasons are the partners responsability to fix… Where are theirs??? Juste leave them with their inner wounds…
What about with dismissive avoidant 🥴
Same things apply with this video but if they're not willing to show up for your needs and they respond with something nasty and hurtful then it's time to cut the chord.
@nightsideoveden ok I actually watched the video now. I definitely don't communicate my needs. Mostly cause I don't even know what they are exactly lol And he definitely doesn't view relationships as give and take. They're like, 2 individuals coexisting.
@water2chick well if you don't get the nasty response then you might get somewhere with them. The two people coexisting mentality is usually their MO in relationships.
I keep forgetting that people can’t read my mind. 🤦🏻♀️
Maybe da who doesn't do the work gonna put you last.
supreme. genius so important
❤