I have never had any contact with my grandchildren I agree with you it is emotionally heart breaking to have no contact. My son is a narcissist and was very abusive to me as a 17 - 20 year old. He met and married a rather hard unpleasant woman at 21. He held an engagement party which I attended and was humiliated by none of her family knowing who I was. His speech mentioned everyone inc. the cat except me. Champagne served only for my ex husbands family I simply left party. None of my family were invited to the wedding and he went on to marry have 2 children. I have seen him twice . I saw him at a supermarket in 2016 and at a market stall in town some months later. He really did not want to speak and the grandchild had no idea who I was. I have not had a relationship with him since 2006. My advice is if someone hates you and is abusive after all the care and love you give..walk away it is actually less painful in the end.
sounds like your ex husband may have had a big hand in this?i went through that with my son but he grew up and matured and seen dad for what he was sounds like your son has been brainwashed and never questioned otherwise theres could be no other reason? just going on my experience.
I agree with you. My grandson ( the only grandchild I have) turned 16 Aug 22. I held him last at 5 days old. My daughter cut me out of her life when I got remarried. She felt I picked him over her.
Aaaah, you made one about the behaviors of my daughter, and son in law. I was kicked out of my grand-baby’s lives because I said something about their narcissistic treatment of my grands. Thank you.
Thank you again, HG! We suffered for over 12 years of narcissistic abuse and lies and even though it has been heartbreaking, my husband and I opted for peace of mind. We put up with so much until last year when we were denied even talking over the phone with our grandchildren. We opted to only text and call our son (who had no other choice but follow the orders of the narc DIL). After understanding through the videos here on HG Tudor how to identify, understand the dynamics of narcissists and how to best deal with it all, we finally have peace of mind. We are now in the process of recovering from our grief and finding ways to move on.
I have ten grandchildren that I have no contact with because my ex Narc husband used my children to continue to emotionally abuse me through them. I tried so hard to have a relationship with them but each time I had to literally jump through hoops to even see them for a few minutes. No matter what I did for them or bought them it was never good enough for my children. I pray one day my grandchildren will come find me so I can hug them and tell them I will always love them. Until that day I accept this is what it takes to keep my sanity.
I’m so sorry. My father tried to turn me & my siblings against our mother. He succeeded with all but me & my sister. My youngest brother has removed our mom from her grandchildren. It’s heartbreaking. They’re beginning to not love her anymore. It hurts her so badly. As it does my sister. I, sadly accepted my fate of being rejected. I blame my father. He loved to turn all of us against each other 😢
@samh8 I hope do too sweetheart. I'm a nanny that can't see my 3 grand babies due to daughters narcissistic partner. So my hope too, is when they are old enough, they find me ❤❤❤
HG, because of your expertise and understanding about narcissism, people have access to your assistance packages and other articles on KTN blog / videos so that they can navigate around narcissists within the family units. I think my grandmother was deeply hurt at not seeing my sibling & me as often as she'd liked because the parental narcissist 'divided' the family up to the point where relationships were almost non-existent. This video is brilliantly done, and I am glad you are helping others with your work, thank you 💟
Thank you for this HG my husband and I have been alienated from our grandchildren, and it's down to listening to you that we are now at peace with our decision to walk away and keep our sanity.
My wife had to go no contact with her son and his family because of a toxic partner. It has broken her heart but she realized it was the only avenue to maintaining her sanity. Thanks HG for helping her through it.
I experienced this for 10 years. The narcissist was my daughter in law. My son tried to keep some contact with me, but he was trauma bonded to his wife. I tried to maintain just enough contact with the wife, and helped with her older child & my grandchild. In time, the wife shoved me out totally. At that point, what helped me stay close was volunteering at my gd’s school, going to some school events, and keeping in touch with her with quick outdoor visits while parents were at work (mostly hugs). The wife was her step mother not biological, and at age 14 she had had enough abuse, left home, and came to live with her grandpa and me. Her dad fairly quickly left the marriage after that, and things are now soooo much better. I regret missing a lot of my granddaughter’s childhood, but we’re enjoying her teen years. Patience and never giving up on the child paid off!!! (I did, for some time, give up on my son.) To other grandparents, don’t lose hope! 💕
It’s important to remember that children don’t stay children forever, they grow up into young adults quite quickly. Keep sending the birthday and Christmas cards and presents. Contact their schools directly for concert/play tickets. Go to school sport events. The children don’t need to see you all the time, just a reminder now and then that you’re still there. When they’re old enough, they’ll look to find you on their own.
Same experience with my grandsons mother. When my son and she broke up, she attempted to dictate who should be at my home when the baby was there. Why? Not because of drugs, violence or misbehavior but because the new love was "living the life that she was supposed to have" with my son. When I didn't obey her dictate, she pulled all contact, even though he had his own room with us and knew us. There was no repair. After more than a year, my hubs and I retired & moved to another state. Her parents allow him to call and even brought him to visit us. They see that he needs us older folk, too. Still, it's never been the same as far as closeness. My son moved too but still attempts visits with him. Very sad situation.
Do you have a Grandparent law in your state or the state she lives in. Your son is paying support? Does he have joint custody? If so he can say you see the children if not. He could go back to court to apply for joint custody. He could also say he wants you to see the children. I am sorry you are going through this. At least her parents realized it was important to see you. Blessings
I used to see my 3 youngest grandchildren regularly. I adore them and they adore me. Their mother (my daughter) is a Borderline, and right now she mad at me so I haven't seen them in a year. I'm heartbroken. Absolutely devastated. Borderlines can be just as cruel as a narcissist. You have to love your children more than the angst you hold against the grandparent. Especially if they're good grandparents who adore your children. Ultimately it's the innocents who pay the price.
I'm very sorry, Borderline are said to be attracted to Narcissist, even do HG Tudor says is narcism of a middle range. I don't think so, Borderlines are very needy and would do anything to be with their abuser, they flip out from nothing and have controlling behaviours where everyone is walking on tip toes because it has an hallucination in the mind as if people are saying things against. Is like a semi-schizophrenia, psychiatrist call this a delusion from. The anger is brutal (frustration, need for recognition) and they make excellent servants to their narcissist, they like to compete and think they're better than others, they love the triangulations of the narcissist as they get away with other people and putting them as if they're loyal to them because of the triangulation, on and on, always. Ive worked with this type, and in roleplay. Is not traumatic stress, it's thinking they're in control by harassing people, that is not a flip out from past aggressions, mostly lack of attention (discipline) and respect to authority for them to have authority one day. Is not easy for mothers to take care in this society which has become so materialistic and distant from family members and mothers are alone, in one way or another it's affecting on a huge scale as never before. Many hugs and prayers, your love is infinity, yet we do need mind over matter, it's our reason to be alive. I think Narcissist are way much better than Borderlines, it depends with whom the Narcissist relates on their inner circle, it can be auto-destructive having the wrong people right next. All narcissist, most all, have the same tendencies and pattern of choices. Those whom succeed can classify better and maintain, they're giving fuel back to their solar system so the system returns the fuel.
Where did your daughter learn the borderline behavior? These psych behavior disorders are FAMILY disorders, meaning they were learned as a child from an adult within the family structure. If your daughter is truly borderline you need to help her relate to her children and have a true bond. You showing concern for yourself and possibly middle doing her without first helping her address her possible disorder speaks volumes of you, not her.
Oh my G.. HG you must be psychic. I have been asking for guidance from "up high" as to what I can do about this very topic. No other person have I spoken about this situation. I have a grandson with whom I held once. That was 6 years ago.... As always my darling HG.. thank-you
The power that a narcissistic has to control who is allowed to love and be loved by is beyond humane… it should be treat to be a crime of theft - stealing love away from children for self convenience is cruel.
Neither of my narcissistic daughters are married or have children of their own but this video series is opening my eyes even more about narcissists and how to prepare myself for many possible outcomes and how to keep my narcissistic traits.Thank you, HG.
My husband and I were just recently cut off from two of my granddaughters because I didn’t see them enough when I was grieving my brother’s death and had brain fog and exhaustion from hypothyroidism. We were a wonderful family. It’s crazy.
Thank you dear, dear HG! You gave me some peace and guide just in time. My daughter got completely under the spell of her husband and gradually cut all bonds with us. She lives overseas and it makes it even harder to stay in some contact. I have seen personally only one of her 4 children. I can’t figure out what to do and it hurts a lot! We were the closest mother and daughter… Anyway, you help me a lot! God bless you for everything you do…
This is so helpful, I have never met my grandchildren, and thanks to your guidance re letting go etc have finally come to terms with that. I do hope people read your analyses and act on your advice.
Thank you HG for this much needed video. This is a heartbreaking situation to go through. In my case my DIL is the narcissist (your narc dectector left no doubt in my mind) and my son is so thoroughly ensnared that we are persona-non grata. Before they married, I was barred from any grandchildren. Of course, none had been conceived yet, but she went there very quickly. It hurts, but the decision had to be made then that we would not contact any children they might or may have. To use a child as a pawn, even if it is nonexistent, is horrific. I would never put a child the middle of such a scenario. There is not a day that goes by that I don't cry about this, that my son is not missed or worried about. Your Parental Assistance package has helped me greatly. I listen to it more often than I would like, but for the greater good for my son, any children he might have right now, and my husband and daughter, total no contact is the healthiest way to handle this.
I honestly think that forcing the access issue will result in the children suffering and therefore it might be important to think about their mental health.
I needed to hear this today more than you know. Thank you. My son and his ex wife are narcissists and have always weaponized my grandchildren. My son has to remind me often about how bad his childhood was. I have apologized many times. My grandchildren know I love them very much, and I know when they are grown, we will have a relationship. I have finally had enough of their parents. I'm tired of walking on eggshells. Two words that I heard yesterday that have helped me cope. ➡️ Radical acceptance. Finally, I will have peace that I deserve.
Thank you, H.G. for this video, it's perfect timing for me. After experiencing a trip from HELL with my daughter, (who I now recognize as a narcissist, after viewing your excellent videos), and her two teenage sons, (who I now don't hear from, and have been painted black by their mother). It's sad that because she has lost custody of them due to her behaviors, involving being diagnosed bipolar which included alcoholism, drug use and ignited fury against her then narcissist partner. I requested the boys meet me in AZ so the three of us can enjoy one last vacation together since they're getting older. She promptly invited herself, even though she just started a new job. So began the controlling, disparaging, haughty, entitled behaviors towards me, that kept me barely talking the whole time during the whole vacation. Then to cap off this trip from HELL, in the airport she demands that I don't act the way I did in front of the boys, when I panicked about changing my flight on my phone. They do side with her because they don't see her as often due to the court mandated custody arrangements. So after pointing out to her that I didn't do anything and that I'm not the one who lost custody, she as a narcissist should not talk. Well I've been painted black since last year, July. I now know it's a hopeless case and I will need to keep my distance, since there's nothing I can do with her. I'm very tired of being made to feel guilty, being manipulated, and taken advantaged of. Recognizing being placed and taken off the shelf and placed back on it. All this knowledge was taught through your books and videos. Now I can only hope my Grandsons will grow up and realize I'm not the monster their Mom has made me out to be. Sad. That's why I prefer my 13 y.o. German Shepard, who can never be a narcissist and shows me love daily in her own sweet way.
I have received my answer. I had stopped communications with my son who was the main instigator if hurtful comments etc. Eventually I chose to cut him (my son and daughter-in-law)out of my life for my own sanity. I believe one day when my grandson is able to make his own decisions he and I will connect....
Agree. The stories in the comments on this page are truly breaking my heart. On the other hand, the letter HG used as an example is exactly what our family narc grandparent says behind our backs about us.
Exactly I had to go no contact with my mother after years of abuse and nonsense. I’m sure she would come out with something similar but I won’t have my children around known child abusers.
Yes, things can go in the other direction where grandparents are incredibly nariccistic. My late mother-in-law was very jealous of me and didn't want her (only) son to marry me because I lived in California, which is where I met my husband. His mother lived in Michigan and wanted her son to marry someone from Michigan so he could be close to her. So I was perceived as a threat from day one. I was so saddened when my MIL rejected me outright, because my mother died when I was 21 and I longed to have a close relationship with a mom. In fact, I used to call my MIL "Mom" and one day she asked me to call her Elizabeth. I was just so hurt because I tried so hard. So sometimes it's the parents that are very difficult. And even though she hurt me, over and over again, I never withheld the grandchildren because they loved her. And she saw her grandkids every year at their annual family reunion.
Kids hear everything!! They will just assume that mummy or daddy are telling the truth. The more you defend yourself the worse it gets. Perhaps the only thing to do is walk away, and hope the kids come to their own senses when they are older
My narcissist mother didn’t let my grandparents see me for the first four years of my life. She was angry with them for some reason. I loved them dearly and miss them everyday. They were not narcisists. Nobody misses my mother, now that she is gone.
Very interested in hearing Part 2, esp. as it applies to a narcissist daughter-in-law in our lives (no grand kids yet). In regards to the "How to Handle a Parental Narcissist" Assistance Package, would this be relevant and helpful to our daughter-in-law situation?
This is my issue. My son is a narcissist who also married a narcissist. They hate each other yet agrer to hurt me and my husband. My family acts as his flying monkeys. Its extremely painful. Its a deep deep pain.
Thank you for this video. I will check out your book on this. I'm not a grandparent but a sibling to a narcissist who has continually alienated me from my nephew who I love dearly. It's gotten so bad recently, and my nephew is now 16, that I am seriously considering cutting my sibling out of my life. It is very hard to do (and I'm struggling with it as she is my only family) but the abuse has gotten to be unbearable.
I have the reverse problem. My father is being influenced by narc stepmother and he has hardly had any contact with me, my sibling or his new grandchild since they married. He is my only parent and I've lost him now too.
I found out through the grapevine that my nephew who is alienated from me is autistic… I suspected this when I met him (and kept it to myself) but my narcsis didn’t tell me even though she already knew. Allegedly she said something along the lines of “is there something wrong with me?” (As to why her son is autistic) of course it’s all about her… of course she’s ashamed that her son is autistic because she thinks it reflects badly on her. When I last spoke to her like 3/4 years ago she wasn’t even allowing him at attend school. She’s taken my niece off social media so I can’t talk to her. I know she controls who she can speak to even though she’s over 18 now. All I can do is hold out until my niece leaves home and then maybe she’ll find me 😢
Our family has lots of friction between generations. My father held family above conflicts. One woman he didn't like was treated with respect, helped in her house and life. She's family.
If it was just my daughter, I could let go. She was an entitled, resentful and dismissive teenager and young adult. But she waited until I'd become thoroughly bonded with my grand daughter to start pulling back and exerting control over everything I did with her. She became angry because I played a three-minute "Old MacDonald" video that my then 18 month-old grand daughter loved. Suddenly, my daughter didn't want any screen time for her anymore. Then, she just cut off contact. I've been in the most acute and sustained misery since then. I miss that darling little girl more than words can possibly express. Learning about what I'm dealing with in terms of better understanding narcissism only makes me more sad because there's no "fixing" this and hope is very, very difficult to extinguish.
I know you're paying my daughter's a horrible mean narcissist the Lost custody of my grandson to me then the father showed up when he was five serve me when I wouldn't hand them over after a year-and-a-half in court State of Florida has their grandparents rules so after more more parenting time he was awarded custody after 7 months my grandson had bruises and welts and was being abused sight tournament he cut me off that baby was my whole world of my whole life I haven't seen him in three years he just turned 13 I'm so scared he'll forget me or think I don't love him people are sick of it I know there's a good hearing about it but I just can't function they say that I was basically his mother and that he's going to come back and it just wait I don't know how I made it this long idea five more years till I can come by me is just unbearable it's a pain that never leaves a I'm so sorry cuz I know what you're going through I pray God heals your heart in Jesus name
Great video HG, thank you. I was raised by what o believe to be to narcissitic parents, my mother being a covert narcissist, not sure about my father. I was the scapegoat & my sibling a golden child, i then married a wonderful man who has 4 narcissists in jis family, mother, step grandfather, sister in law and biological father who is the grandest grandiose narcissist For years i tried to keep the peace, changws everything about myself to please or fit in & it nearly killed me. When i realised what i was dealing with, i worked hard on myself and slowly and surely started to take back my own power. I know we talk of greyrocking, but i personnally found the only solution was going no contact,with both, especially after the abuse i had recieved. Its not the easy option, there isnt one, i dont get to see all my neices and nephews grow up, i recieve abuse from their flying monkeys on a regular basis and it hurts to lose all contact with your family and at the end of the day, its the children who suffer, theyve lost out on an aunt and uncle and cousins who love tgem and who would of beought so much love & joy into their lives. Sad all round.🌻
It goes the other way too. Narcissists become grandparents. Being old doesn’t make them kind or helpless or any less dangerous. As a parent, having to GOSO a toxic grandparent contradicts all conventional family values. Society has plenty to say about grandparents rights, but the adult children of abusers often need to estrange themselves from that abuse primarily to physically and emotionally safeguard their own children. We did GOSO. In the end, the biggest shock was how easily we and our children were discarded.
Right, but this video is about the grandparents being discarded by their narcissistic children and not allowed to see the grandchildren as punishment. HG has good information about the parental narcissist, but this is a different situation.
@@MichelleRW I get that, but the bit that got my attention was the letter. Just hearing it made my heart rate go up. It’s exactly what our grandparent narc tells the world about us! It was quite a relief to hear HG saying that this was only one side of the evidence and that he was taking it at face value for the purposes of this example. My experience is that the younger generation are almost always assumed to be wrong, or selfish, or ungrateful. I’m not off topic, and a few others have commented similar, so feel free to scroll by.
My mother in law is a narcissist. And have no contact with her for years. BUT I still allow my kids to see her and even sleep over. I don’t want my kids to lose that relationship because they are good to them and them to them. But my husband is the one who arranges it.
My younger sister held back my nieces from my parents because I wouldn’t apologise. Sister asked me to look after her dog for a couple of weeks as she was overwhelmed with potty training her then only child whilst being pregnant with her second. She was still working full time & her daughter was in day care, the dog was understandably excited to see everyone home because she was at home. So I agreed. Four months later, she wanted the dog back whilst she was off for two weeks prior to having her second daughter. I asked that she wait (considering she made absolutely no attempt to come see her, only time was when we were together with mum & step dad where we were at a restaurant, which ok, maybe it was too much for her daughter.) because she was spending time with her first child & awaiting her second the fuss from everyone to it then going to a newborn maybe too much for the dog & to have her back when they were settled with the newborn. Hell broke loose! She screamed at both our parents, called the police on myself & boyfriend, we had to explain that it wasn’t right for the dog, she had settled in well with us & wanted her to go back to a home where she could be included. The dog went back a couple of days after, but it didn’t end there. Until I apologised for my behaviour, they would never see their granddaughters again. My parents pleaded with me but I stood my ground because I believed what I said & meant were genuine for the sake of their family & the poor dog. Eventually, the sister realised she didn’t have any babysitters, without me moving my ground there was nothing they could do, so she basically blamed her mornings, accused me of nearly killing their unborn daughter from stress & forgave my parents saying that because I was so stubborn she understood there was nothing they could do. Considering my father was incredibly I’ll at the time & my sister has a thing for money, she shimmed back into their lives again. Until the next time. I stayed that I’m happy to go with my sister & mum on a girls weekend away, (not my thing but this was a few years from the last fallout, the reconciliation was only lasting for a few days however.) sister said she wanted to bring her children with them (she & husband had spent all money on holidays for themselves not the girls) navies she wanted to give them a holiday I, have no children, I’m not keen & I thought it was going to be an adult weekend. So I said so. Heavens above! Hell breaks loose again. Apparently I hate her children, I’m selfish, she demanded to my mother that I apologise, I gave in & apologised EVEN THOUGH I stood by my word I didn’t it for my mother. My sister told me to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine & called me all the names you can imagine. I was angry, I knew it was pointless, I could only forgive myself that I didn’t it for my mother so she didn’t get such a headache from her. We still haven’t spoken & that was about five years ago. Her daughters are now 10 & 8 I think, I’ve only met them a handful of times. This is why I’m so fascinated by the whole HW series. It’s an exact stamp of my sister. She’s exhausting. My father & sister are narcs. Father mid lesser. I speak to neither. It’s just not worth the rollercoaster. Thank you HG. Shall send this to my mother. I can’t get explain it to her. My sister is the favourite & I completely understand, I’m not bothered, my mother is a superstar for all of us. I’m grateful for everything she does for us. My sister however takes her kindness & runs with it making her life a hell when she doesn’t get her own way.
Hello HG This is very sad for the children. They hear friends talk about grandparents and wonder why they don’t have them. There is so much love grandparents have and great grandparents. Children at a gift from God to be loved by the whole family. Sometimes people take their children to court for visitation rights. Especially if a state has a grandparents law. It’s has to be very hard not to see Grandchildren and Great Grandchildren. I wish we meaning the world would go back to the family until again. We have let schools take over and run our children’s lives . This has caused no respect for family. That and the the give me generation. I do hope it starts to go back to the wait was. Respect is the main problem. God Bless HG 🌹♥️🙏🤗
Went no contact with my son. He has 2 sons, one I see rarely and the other more often as he has a different mom and she has joint custody. It is a terrible and heartbreaking situation.
My parents lived it Already as I'm 52 alienated decades from my son and today grandchildren Neither side Knows anything about anyone It's deviating experience still today blaming for whatever nobody's been around anyone say literally anything else I'm ok today I knew as my parents wouldn't change , Lesson of life I've experienced It's worse today than before Everyone else good luck with this Have no clue how toxic Cruelty alienated abusive Relationship It Does show Exactly where everyone involved Belongs in our lives Don't ever Ruin it I wish everyone Best Sometimes u Let go to be able move on and live Not having anything personally through years Helps!!!
Hi HG, I thought I was going to win an argument with my mom one day . I was being a smart ass. Well, she straightened me out. I got mad at my mother one day and I told her ,"if I have children you won't ever see them." She told me "that's okay you won't get any inheritance then." LOL She won!!!! LOLOLOL
Oh my god. I couldn't imagine being without my grandparents. I was lucky in that way...even though my dad is what he was a bit like 😳 because he never had that, he wouldn't have stopped me from seeing my mums parents. Wow! I feel a bit lucky in some ways...but not in others! Too intelligent for that side of stuff. Very controlled, a git but he was very thoughtful in a cold way! . You don't use children. My grandad on my mums side was amazing...he was stronger than my dad, he was very controlled but loving. There is no way my grandparents would have let us go...they knew what he was but they were too 💪 and kind.
I dont see my two grandsons its heartbreaking 💔 my first grandson stayed with me for 6 months i took him to nursery looked after him, then got cut off, then my son had another one to his ex same woman, then i get to see them both for about a month, when they were 4 and 2 and looked after both well, they are now 14 and 12 her mother had a hand in it too wanting to punish me and my son Thanks 😊 xx
Religious narcissistic cults are a big player in causing this problem too. They tend to subtly teach members how to behave in a narcissistic way. This problem of grandparents getting cut off from their g.c. happens repeatedly within religious religious cults (where policies and procedures are based on narcissistic tactics) when members either get kicked out or escape. From my experience, in particular with the religious cult of JWs with their disfellowshipping policy, many grandparents will either never even get to meet their g.c. or will have the g.c. they have grown to love and adore ripped away from them over strict religious policies of compulsory stonewalling which are based on and carried out using emotional blackmail. It's extremely sad, heart wrenching in fact, and I watched it play out with my siblings and my mother when my mother escaped from the JW cult. Losing her beloved g.c. was a burden very hard to bare having been a mother of 10 children herself and having over 30 grandchildren. Losing grandchildren in this way is one of the reasons the disfellowshipping policy is an offence against humanity and human rights and should be outlawed from today's society.
The narc wife-in-law in our own family used her own newborn as a bargaining chip with our family from the moment the child was born. The child is now 10yrs old and has since been completely alienated from the grandparents, aunts, uncles, great grandparents etc from our side of the family. She displays all the text-book characteristics. Her behaviour is, in fact, identical to HW but without HW level of social power. She even managed to break up the engagement of her BFF (secondary primary source) so that she could invite herself on the expensive overseas honeymoon instead of the intended husband whilst leaving her own daughter and husband at home. She even made them drive her and the BFF to the airport where they confusedly waved her off!
My son has cut off all contact with me, his mother, and his brother and sisters. He only talks to his father because he has all the money. His girlfriend doesn’t allow him to have contact with us because she says we don’t like her. Completely not true. She doesn’t recognized my son has a twin sister and my son is not allowed to share birthdays with his twin sister any longer. My son tells everyone he hates me and the girls and we are at a loss. My son was raised in a loving environment and went to catholic school. Now he doesn’t believe in God because she doesn’t. Her family is completely in agreement with her. He recently text me for his ss card and birth certificate. I have not responded.
Good for you for not responding. He can get a copy of his ss card and birth certificate. My son married his girlfriend and she has turned him totally against us. It is such a long story, but to make it brief, I understand what you are going through and it is heartbreaking. I had a wonderful relationship with my son before her and I miss him so much, there is a huge part of our family gone now, we all miss him. The best thing, in our case, is total no contact because he is totally ensnared by her to the point that he is now a Buddhist but raised Roman Catholic and stayed with the church till she came along. It is hard, but learning what you are dealing with helps. Thank God for HG.
I am so sorry to hear this 😢. I must say that my one brother and I have not always gotten along. I don't think I would say he was a narcissist, but very narcissistic. He has always been wonderful to my children and I would never get in the way of their relationships.
I have a daughter in the med field - because I voiced my concerns about vax I am completely cut off along with her father. She’s in research & understood very well what was mis-represented before most of us did. I reared my oldest grandson since infancy. My husband & I cared for our infant second grandson & oldest one while she moved in with us to finish her PhD during lock-down. Then after receiving her doctorate, she pivoted & became what is infecting academia at this time: you agree with me or you’re cancelled. We were such a close family. I’m in pain everyday but I believe she’s brainwashed & doesn’t want to jeopardize her career she worked so hard for. I know one of these days, when my grandsons are older, they will look for Grandma & Papa. We were so vey close.
HG, would you consider doing to video on parental alienation? It is awful, especially when you have to watch your child being destroyed and courts and mental health people don't understand it. It is a living hell.
My brother married a narc and she made sure that he had almost no contact with my parents and me. I haven‘t seen my niece often. I tried to keep in contact for years but have stopped. I ignore them and that‘s ok.
The same happened to me. What's worse is my brother died, making the grief doubly painful. Its heartbreaking but I'm still hopeful. I hope things get better for you
I look forward to the next HD....for I haven't seen my Granddaughter for almost 2 yrs....She will be 3yrs. old this March, 2023. My Son is with the Mother, who I suspect is a Narcissist, after my education, listening to You and Others. They are not married, as far as I know. My Son and I have always been close. I don't understand why He won't share His Daughter with me....yet maybe I do....like Prince Harry...He dare not cross her.....or lose His 'Happy' Home.🤷♀️💔
I'm finding it so interesting right now that Tiktok is full of millennials and gen z bagging on this mom who posted a short clip about how entitled the younger generations are and they just cut off their parents. There is not enough information to bag on this mom and I understand generational pain and trauma. But in my life the only people I've met who should go no contact with someone are boomer parents who need to cut off their spoiled kids! I have two family friends right now with stereotypical 30ish year old men who have failed to launch because of boomer parents who spoiled them.
HG, my sister has a grown daughter with a son and 2 yr old daughter (my sister's grandchildren, of course). My niece had to move in with my sister (her mother and father). The father of their grandchildren is a upper lesser type B narcissist and disengaged by running off with another woman. I don't need to explain what hell he has rained down on their previously empty nest home. Do you have any work of yours to direct me to? Can I buy it and share it with them as a gift because they are spending 1000's upon 1000s fighting with him in court. Thanks in advance. I love listening to you.
Mine is the reverse - my 70 yo mother refuses to see my children unless they are fully jabbed because she refuses to bear the guilt if they die. When I gently suggested therapy or counselling to deal with fear/control she lost it on me. It’s been a lifetime of mid range control…this was just the most recent move.
My father is a narcissist/psychopath. I have no relationship with my grandparents, aunts or uncles. The reason is because I don't want to be near anyone related to him so, I had to sacrifice the family. Sometimes I wish to contact them but won't do that, the risk is too high
My narc SIL convinced my brother to allow her parents to spend 99% of their time with their children. As a result my poor mother rarely saw her only 2 grandchildren over 13 years before she passed away. She was lucky to see her grandson and granddaughter one time every 2 months though they lived 3 miles away. 3 miles! My mother never complained about it, but she was deeply hurt by being shut out of the children's lives. What my brother and his harpy wife don't realize is that they were cheating their children of quality time with their paternal grandmother who loved them dearly. I'll never forgive my brother or his wife for neglecting my mother this way. When my SIL and brother were dating she was working on turning him against his blood family. He quickly embraced his in-laws and extended family and began to pull away from me, our Mom, and extended family. My previously empathic brother has over the past 20+ years taken on narcissistic traits and I no longer recognize him.
I raised my grandson from birth as my daughter refused to parents I got custody the father went to prison when she was 4 months pregnant father got out of prison when he was five I welcome them and I let him see his grandson even though the papers said it was at my discretion second visit he said to me I want my son. I said well he doesn't know you we need to figure out a game plan we need to figure out what we're going to do and my grandson was crying he didn't want to go back over there he didn't know his father or his grandfather. After a year and 6 months battle in court and him getting more and more parenting time he was awarded custody. The counselor I hired said my grandson should never lose his one constant. I was allowed to see him for about 7 months. When I was getting him ready for bed I noticed his outer legs head scabs long strips I thought he got them stickers when I look at his rear end and was covered in bruises and different stages of healing I asked him what happened he told me he wasn't supposed to tell me where the daddy said he could never come over again me thinking this is a felon on parole crime was a violent home invasion with a stabbing he was to do 20 years at 6 he was released with three years of parole. I called the police the police man that showed up with about 19 it look like two pictures of the injuries in a showed me DCF would see the pictures and being formed so I'm horrified now realizing it he's not going to go arrest him and he is going to make me return this child in the morning. It's a DCF a week and 4 days to go talk to my grandson and they did it in front of his father who has F the police tattooed on his back. And I'm sure he was terrified of him at this point of time is he known him a year and some months and was getting beaten. I was assured that the pictures would be seen by somebody in Authority but they were left on an Evidence this at the police station. 7 short I was cut off on my grandson so eight months goes by and then the new girlfriend called claiming that he was asking for me and she has best interest at heart and was going to sneak him over he's now a she was really worried about my daughter being in her man's life she's not going to see me from 8 to 10 every time I bought my grandson my but her to send something and then the baby they had together. I bought the new baby clothes car seats crib diaper bags I paid for her son's football I'm saying that I treated them all the same. Oh I forgot to mention after the beating I did take him to court to file for visitation where I was informed that grandparents in the State of Florida have no rights and even though I had custody extended family custody to be exact when that was dissolved all my legal rights we're gone so no standing thousands of dollars for a three-minute hearing anyway the girlfriend snuck him over till he was 10 I told my grandsons father please don't cut me out again I've been a good grandma I haven't caused any problems I've been more than a help I would like all I would do is help you that I loves his new baby girl and the other two I was met with silence. My grandson is not 13 he turned 13 February 20th of 2023 it's been 3 years of no contact I went to his school and I put 80 balloons everywhere that's it happy 13th birthday from nana I love you I wrote on them every one of them I put up signs. I put signs up this man is so spiteful his best friend's girlfriend told me that he gets up at 4 in the morning to go remove my times so that my grandson cannot see any contact for me but I know he got the balloons. But I cannot function I can't look stop figuring out what to do to make this guy forgive me I mean even if he hates me if it wasn't for me he would have went to foster care and to say I appreciate all you've done but I want my son and that's it no discussion no gameplan I couldn't just say bye and goodbye go with this man he don't get it. He says he can never forgive me for calling the police on him I had told him if my grandson was lying about being beaten he needed counseling silence the last time I saw my grandson he was screaming out the car window my nana my nana at CVS Pharmacy father says shut the fuck up and roll up the window I just don't know what to do. And I can't blame this guy for my daughter's drug addiction but he is the one that gave her her first drug he's the one that kept her with him doing drugs until he threw her away and went for custody because he was cheating on her with the new girlfriend. And I'm sorry for the rant but there is just no way to get over this and I'm so scared he's going to forget me or things and I didn't want him or I didn't try I've never gone to the house it's 10 minutes remind because there's no trespassing signs and it'll give him a reason to get a restraining order or no contact or something and it is now if I see my grandson in public I can walk up and hug him until his father drags he'll away I truly believe from this guy's actions when my daughter was with him Diddy the covert malignant narcissist he never talks he never laughs not in my presence he has recluse tattooed on him I just pray to God he's not still hurting that boy emotionally and physically or any kind of way I pray that invalidates him and then he loves him and it's only me that he hates he hates that I took him to court. He hates that I told the courts what he was doing and his family and most of all he hates that I turned them in for abuse what was I supposed to do stay just keep getting the beating so you can come see Nana sometimes I wish I would have God help me
My heart breaks for you. It’s been 8 months since you posted your comment. I hope things have gotten better for you. You are not alone. Im a Nana too. I’m going through something very similar and haven’t seen my grandson in 15 months. DCS ignored the abuse despite him telling them directly what happened. They sent him back home and he suffered the consequences. My narcissistic SIL will never forgive me for reporting the abuse and I could care less. I only want contact with my grandson. I’ve gone into debt getting a lawyer and I’m fighting for contact but my state is the same, and grandparents have little to no rights to their grandchildren. DCS is a corrupt and broken agency and they are not held accountable for putting these children back into the abusive home. Children have no rights. Therapy ordered by the court is often slanted towards the abusive parents and reunification of the family. Gaslighting narcissists know how to play the therapists and the system in general and I was even accused of coaching my grandson to lie about the abuse. No one cared to listen to the truth and they never investigated anything. Narc SIL continues to gaslight and has turned the family upside down, and I am isolated and blamed. Lies don’t have to make sense if someone wants to believe them. The child suffers the most. The heartache for us is devastating and impacts every part of our lives. There are days I don’t think I can carry on another day without him. My only hope has been my faith in God and to Him I give it all. There are terrible things that happen in this world and beyond our understanding. I get on my knees and give it all to Him. I ask Him to protect my grandson’s heart, mind, body and soul from the evil around him every day. The seeds of love from you have been planted in your grandsons heart. No one can take that away from him. That only brings some relief I know. Pray without ceasing for your grandson and for strength to get through it. Take care and I’ll keep you and your grandson in my prayers as well.
In my opinion if my kids have a problem with me, they can get lost, there are so many other things in life to enjoy, being a parent or grandparent isn't the be all or end all. Bring it on baby
Ah, you must be referring to MY ungrateful child. When it is time to do a science fair project or other school issue, I am OK. If I point something out about child rearing such as no, I don’t think it is a good idea to leave a 9 year old alone all day in a mobile home in a strange camping park, then I am useless.
I have never had any contact with my grandchildren I agree with you it is emotionally heart breaking to have no contact. My son is a narcissist and was very abusive to me as a 17 - 20 year old. He met and married a rather hard unpleasant woman at 21. He held an engagement party which I attended and was humiliated by none of her family knowing who I was. His speech mentioned everyone inc. the cat except me. Champagne served only for my ex husbands family I simply left party. None of my family were invited to the wedding and he went on to marry have 2 children. I have seen him twice . I saw him at a supermarket in 2016 and at a market stall in town some months later. He really did not want to speak and the grandchild had no idea who I was. I have not had a relationship with him since 2006. My advice is if someone hates you and is abusive after all the care and love you give..walk away it is actually less painful in the end.
I am so sorry to hear of your son’s treatment of you. It must be heartbreaking. I wonder if his children will treat him like that when they grow up.
Wow. How did it come to that? Craziness. Sorry that happened to you
sounds like your ex husband may have had a big hand in this?i went through that with my son but he grew up and matured and seen dad for what he was sounds like your son has been brainwashed and never questioned otherwise theres could be no other reason? just going on my experience.
I agree with you. My grandson ( the only grandchild I have) turned 16 Aug 22. I held him last at 5 days old. My daughter cut me out of her life when I got remarried. She felt I picked him over her.
I have done the same.
I am shocked to see how frequent this is becoming, a total breakdown of familial loyalty and cooperation for all generations.
The State will be your family -as you will own nothing and eat bugs. No faith No family Just The Global One Size Fits All State.
Aaaah, you made one about the behaviors of my daughter, and son in law. I was kicked out of my grand-baby’s lives because I said something about their narcissistic treatment of my grands. Thank you.
Thank you again, HG! We suffered for over 12 years of narcissistic abuse and lies and even though it has been heartbreaking, my husband and I opted for peace of mind. We put up with so much until last year when we were denied even talking over the phone with our grandchildren. We opted to only text and call our son (who had no other choice but follow the orders of the narc DIL). After understanding through the videos here on HG Tudor how to identify, understand the dynamics of narcissists and how to best deal with it all, we finally have peace of mind. We are now in the process of recovering from our grief and finding ways to move on.
Well this one tore my heart out. I'm here waiting to meet you one day my dear grand daughters.
I have ten grandchildren that I have no contact with because my ex Narc husband used my children to continue to emotionally abuse me through them. I tried so hard to have a relationship with them but each time I had to literally jump through hoops to even see them for a few minutes. No matter what I did for them or bought them it was never good enough for my children. I pray one day my grandchildren will come find me so I can hug them and tell them I will always love them. Until that day I accept this is what it takes to keep my sanity.
My ex husband did the same thing with our sons. HG’s work has helped me sort out everything. I disengaged, but I mourn my loss.
My heart goes out to you, Jennifer. Stay strong and know you are not alone.
I’m so sorry. My father tried to turn me & my siblings against our mother. He succeeded with all but me & my sister. My youngest brother has removed our mom from her grandchildren. It’s heartbreaking. They’re beginning to not love her anymore. It hurts her so badly. As it does my sister. I, sadly accepted my fate of being rejected. I blame my father. He loved to turn all of us against each other 😢
I wish my neices and nephews will one day come and find me, as I love them dearly and would love the opportunity to be a loving ,fun aunt to them 💕😊x
@samh8 I hope do too sweetheart. I'm a nanny that can't see my 3 grand babies due to daughters narcissistic partner. So my hope too, is when they are old enough, they find me ❤❤❤
Thank you for this one HG. This is exactly what I am presently going through.
Same. It's so painful.
@@Gods_child_127 very.
HG, because of your expertise and understanding about narcissism, people have access to your assistance packages and other articles on KTN blog / videos so that they can navigate around narcissists within the family units. I think my grandmother was deeply hurt at not seeing my sibling & me as often as she'd liked because the parental narcissist 'divided' the family up to the point where relationships were almost non-existent. This video is brilliantly done, and I am glad you are helping others with your work, thank you 💟
Thank you for this HG my husband and I have been alienated from our grandchildren, and it's down to listening to you that we are now at peace with our decision to walk away and keep our sanity.
My wife had to go no contact with her son and his family because of a toxic partner. It has broken her heart but she realized it was the only avenue to maintaining her sanity. Thanks HG for helping her through it.
I experienced this for 10 years. The narcissist was my daughter in law. My son tried to keep some contact with me, but he was trauma bonded to his wife. I tried to maintain just enough contact with the wife, and helped with her older child & my grandchild. In time, the wife shoved me out totally. At that point, what helped me stay close was volunteering at my gd’s school, going to some school events, and keeping in touch with her with quick outdoor visits while parents were at work (mostly hugs). The wife was her step mother not biological, and at age 14 she had had enough abuse, left home, and came to live with her grandpa and me. Her dad fairly quickly left the marriage after that, and things are now soooo much better. I regret missing a lot of my granddaughter’s childhood, but we’re enjoying her teen years. Patience and never giving up on the child paid off!!! (I did, for some time, give up on my son.) To other grandparents, don’t lose hope! 💕
Thank you.
It’s important to remember that children don’t stay children forever, they grow up into young adults quite quickly. Keep sending the birthday and Christmas cards and presents. Contact their schools directly for concert/play tickets. Go to school sport events. The children don’t need to see you all the time, just a reminder now and then that you’re still there. When they’re old enough, they’ll look to find you on their own.
Same experience with my grandsons mother. When my son and she broke up, she attempted to dictate who should be at my home when the baby was there. Why? Not because of drugs, violence or misbehavior but because the new love was "living the life that she was supposed to have" with my son. When I didn't obey her dictate, she pulled all contact, even though he had his own room with us and knew us. There was no repair. After more than a year, my hubs and I retired & moved to another state. Her parents allow him to call and even brought him to visit us. They see that he needs us older folk, too. Still, it's never been the same as far as closeness. My son moved too but still attempts visits with him. Very sad situation.
Do you have a Grandparent law in your state or the state she lives in. Your son is paying support? Does he have joint custody? If so he can say you see the children if not. He could go back to court to apply for joint custody. He could also say he wants you to see the children.
I am sorry you are going through this. At least her parents realized it was important to see you. Blessings
So you didn’t respect her not wanting other people at your house with HER baby, and its her fault?
I used to see my 3 youngest grandchildren regularly. I adore them and they adore me.
Their mother (my daughter) is a Borderline, and right now she mad at me so I haven't seen them in a year.
I'm heartbroken. Absolutely devastated.
Borderlines can be just as cruel as a narcissist.
You have to love your children more than the angst you hold against the grandparent. Especially if they're good grandparents who adore your children.
Ultimately it's the innocents who pay the price.
I'm very sorry, Borderline are said to be attracted to Narcissist, even do HG Tudor says is narcism of a middle range. I don't think so, Borderlines are very needy and would do anything to be with their abuser, they flip out from nothing and have controlling behaviours where everyone is walking on tip toes because it has an hallucination in the mind as if people are saying things against. Is like a semi-schizophrenia, psychiatrist call this a delusion from. The anger is brutal (frustration, need for recognition) and they make excellent servants to their narcissist, they like to compete and think they're better than others, they love the triangulations of the narcissist as they get away with other people and putting them as if they're loyal to them because of the triangulation, on and on, always.
Ive worked with this type, and in roleplay. Is not traumatic stress, it's thinking they're in control by harassing people, that is not a flip out from past aggressions, mostly lack of attention (discipline) and respect to authority for them to have authority one day.
Is not easy for mothers to take care in this society which has become so materialistic and distant from family members and mothers are alone, in one way or another it's affecting on a huge scale as never before.
Many hugs and prayers, your love is infinity, yet we do need mind over matter, it's our reason to be alive. I think Narcissist are way much better than Borderlines, it depends with whom the Narcissist relates on their inner circle, it can be auto-destructive having the wrong people right next. All narcissist, most all, have the same tendencies and pattern of choices.
Those whom succeed can classify better and maintain, they're giving fuel back to their solar system so the system returns the fuel.
Where did your daughter learn the borderline behavior? These psych behavior disorders are FAMILY disorders, meaning they were learned as a child from an adult within the family structure. If your daughter is truly borderline you need to help her relate to her children and have a true bond. You showing concern for yourself and possibly middle doing her without first helping her address her possible disorder speaks volumes of you, not her.
Oh my G.. HG you must be psychic.
I have been asking for guidance from "up high" as to what I can do about this very topic.
No other person have I spoken about this situation.
I have a grandson with whom I held once.
That was 6 years ago....
As always my darling HG.. thank-you
The power that a narcissistic has to control who is allowed to love and be loved by is beyond humane… it should be treat to be a crime of theft - stealing love away from children for self convenience is cruel.
Neither of my narcissistic daughters are married or have children of their own but this video series is opening my eyes even more about narcissists and how to prepare myself for many possible outcomes and how to keep my narcissistic traits.Thank you, HG.
Going through this with my narcissist son. He uses his kids as pawns.
My husband and I were just recently cut off from two of my granddaughters because I didn’t see them enough when I was grieving my brother’s death and had brain fog and exhaustion from hypothyroidism. We were a wonderful family. It’s crazy.
Thank you dear, dear HG! You gave me some peace and guide just in time. My daughter got completely under the spell of her husband and gradually cut all bonds with us. She lives overseas and it makes it even harder to stay in some contact. I have seen personally only one of her 4 children. I can’t figure out what to do and it hurts a lot! We were the closest mother and daughter… Anyway, you help me a lot! God bless you for everything you do…
This is so helpful, I have never met my grandchildren, and thanks to your guidance re letting go etc have finally come to terms with that. I do hope people read your analyses and act on your advice.
Thank you HG for this much needed video. This is a heartbreaking situation to go through. In my case my DIL is the narcissist (your narc dectector left no doubt in my mind) and my son is so thoroughly ensnared that we are persona-non grata. Before they married, I was barred from any grandchildren. Of course, none had been conceived yet, but she went there very quickly. It hurts, but the decision had to be made then that we would not contact any children they might or may have. To use a child as a pawn, even if it is nonexistent, is horrific. I would never put a child the middle of such a scenario. There is not a day that goes by that I don't cry about this, that my son is not missed or worried about. Your Parental Assistance package has helped me greatly. I listen to it more often than I would like, but for the greater good for my son, any children he might have right now, and my husband and daughter, total no contact is the healthiest way to handle this.
Some very sage advice. I have a similar problem with my daughter-in-law 👍🏻
Same here.
I honestly think that forcing the access issue will result in the children suffering and therefore it might be important to think about their mental health.
I agree
I needed to hear this today more than you know. Thank you. My son and his ex wife are narcissists and have always weaponized my grandchildren. My son has to remind me often about how bad his childhood was. I have apologized many times. My grandchildren know I love them very much, and I know when they are grown, we will have a relationship. I have finally had enough of their parents. I'm tired of walking on eggshells. Two words that I heard yesterday that have helped me cope. ➡️ Radical acceptance. Finally, I will have peace that I deserve.
Thank you, H.G. for this video, it's perfect timing for me. After experiencing a trip from HELL with my daughter, (who I now recognize as a
narcissist, after viewing your excellent videos), and her two teenage sons, (who I now don't hear from, and have been painted black by their mother). It's sad that because she has lost custody of them due to her behaviors, involving being diagnosed bipolar which included alcoholism, drug use and ignited fury against her then narcissist partner. I requested the boys meet me in AZ so the three of us can enjoy one last vacation together since they're getting older. She promptly invited herself, even though she just started a new job. So began the controlling, disparaging, haughty, entitled behaviors towards me, that kept me barely talking the whole time during the whole vacation. Then to cap off this trip from HELL, in the airport she demands that I don't act the way I did in front of the boys, when I panicked about changing my flight on my phone. They do side with her because they don't see her as often due to the court mandated custody arrangements. So after pointing out to her that I didn't do anything and that I'm not the one who lost custody, she as a narcissist should not talk. Well I've been painted black since last year, July. I now know it's a hopeless case and I will need to keep my distance, since there's nothing I can do with her. I'm very tired of being made to feel guilty, being manipulated, and taken advantaged of. Recognizing being placed and taken off the shelf and placed back on it. All this knowledge was taught through your books and
videos. Now I can only hope my Grandsons will grow up and realize I'm not the monster their Mom has made me out to be. Sad. That's why I prefer my 13 y.o. German Shepard, who can never be a narcissist and shows me love daily in her own sweet way.
I have received my answer. I had stopped communications with my son who was the main instigator if hurtful comments etc.
Eventually I chose to cut him (my son and daughter-in-law)out of my life for my own sanity.
I believe one day when my grandson is able to make his own decisions he and I will connect....
Really hard to know what is truly going on, since narcissistic grandparents would act in a similar way to this letter.
Agree. The stories in the comments on this page are truly breaking my heart. On the other hand, the letter HG used as an example is exactly what our family narc grandparent says behind our backs about us.
Exactly I had to go no contact with my mother after years of abuse and nonsense. I’m sure she would come out with something similar but I won’t have my children around known child abusers.
Yes, things can go in the other direction where grandparents are incredibly nariccistic. My late mother-in-law was very jealous of me and didn't want her (only) son to marry me because I lived in California, which is where I met my husband. His mother lived in Michigan and wanted her son to marry someone from Michigan so he could be close to her. So I was perceived as a threat from day one. I was so saddened when my MIL rejected me outright, because my mother died when I was 21 and I longed to have a close relationship with a mom. In fact, I used to call my MIL "Mom" and one day she asked me to call her Elizabeth. I was just so hurt because I tried so hard. So sometimes it's the parents that are very difficult. And even though she hurt me, over and over again, I never withheld the grandchildren because they loved her. And she saw her grandkids every year at their annual family reunion.
Thank you HG for your educational videos. 🙏🏻👍🏻
Do not forget, the narcissist may 'brainwash' the grandchildren to believe THEIR opinion.
Kids hear everything!! They will just assume that mummy or daddy are telling the truth. The more you defend yourself the worse it gets. Perhaps the only thing to do is walk away, and hope the kids come to their own senses when they are older
My narcissist mother didn’t let my grandparents see me for the first four years of my life. She was angry with them for some reason. I loved them dearly and miss them everyday. They were not narcisists. Nobody misses my mother, now that she is gone.
Excellent video, HG - chock full of practical suggestions and advice.
Very interested in hearing Part 2, esp. as it applies to a narcissist daughter-in-law in our lives (no grand kids yet). In regards to the "How to Handle a Parental Narcissist" Assistance Package, would this be relevant and helpful to our daughter-in-law situation?
Thank you H G , good advise. Wish I would have had this knowledge years ago.
This is my issue. My son is a narcissist who also married a narcissist. They hate each other yet agrer to hurt me and my husband. My family acts as his flying monkeys. Its extremely painful. Its a deep deep pain.
Thank you for this
Thank you for this video. I will check out your book on this. I'm not a grandparent but a sibling to a narcissist who has continually alienated me from my nephew who I love dearly. It's gotten so bad recently, and my nephew is now 16, that I am seriously considering cutting my sibling out of my life. It is very hard to do (and I'm struggling with it as she is my only family) but the abuse has gotten to be unbearable.
I have the reverse problem. My father is being influenced by narc stepmother and he has hardly had any contact with me, my sibling or his new grandchild since they married. He is my only parent and I've lost him now too.
Is difficult. Thank you HG Tudor.
I found out through the grapevine that my nephew who is alienated from me is autistic… I suspected this when I met him (and kept it to myself) but my narcsis didn’t tell me even though she already knew.
Allegedly she said something along the lines of “is there something wrong with me?” (As to why her son is autistic) of course it’s all about her… of course she’s ashamed that her son is autistic because she thinks it reflects badly on her.
When I last spoke to her like 3/4 years ago she wasn’t even allowing him at attend school.
She’s taken my niece off social media so I can’t talk to her. I know she controls who she can speak to even though she’s over 18 now.
All I can do is hold out until my niece leaves home and then maybe she’ll find me 😢
My first grandbaby was born last Saturday. I am not allowed to contact my covert narc daughter. It's heartbreaking.
Thank you I asked for this matter!!!
Hi all. I'm having trouble finding Part 2 of this subject. Has anyone else located it? Thanks.
There is not 2 part yet, I am waiting too
Our family has lots of friction between generations. My father held family above conflicts. One woman he didn't like was treated with respect, helped in her house and life. She's family.
The grandmother could be a covert narc.
The daughter could be the aggressive narc.
The father could be an abusive narc.
If it was just my daughter, I could let go. She was an entitled, resentful and dismissive teenager and young adult. But she waited until I'd become thoroughly bonded with my grand daughter to start pulling back and exerting control over everything I did with her. She became angry because I played a three-minute "Old MacDonald" video that my then 18 month-old grand daughter loved. Suddenly, my daughter didn't want any screen time for her anymore. Then, she just cut off contact. I've been in the most acute and sustained misery since then. I miss that darling little girl more than words can possibly express. Learning about what I'm dealing with in terms of better understanding narcissism only makes me more sad because there's no "fixing" this and hope is very, very difficult to extinguish.
I know you're paying my daughter's a horrible mean narcissist the Lost custody of my grandson to me then the father showed up when he was five serve me when I wouldn't hand them over after a year-and-a-half in court State of Florida has their grandparents rules so after more more parenting time he was awarded custody after 7 months my grandson had bruises and welts and was being abused sight tournament he cut me off that baby was my whole world of my whole life I haven't seen him in three years he just turned 13 I'm so scared he'll forget me or think I don't love him people are sick of it I know there's a good hearing about it but I just can't function they say that I was basically his mother and that he's going to come back and it just wait I don't know how I made it this long idea five more years till I can come by me is just unbearable it's a pain that never leaves a I'm so sorry cuz I know what you're going through I pray God heals your heart in Jesus name
Great video HG, thank you. I was raised by what o believe to be to narcissitic parents, my mother being a covert narcissist, not sure about my father. I was the scapegoat & my sibling a golden child, i then married a wonderful man who has 4 narcissists in jis family, mother, step grandfather, sister in law and biological father who is the grandest grandiose narcissist For years i tried to keep the peace, changws everything about myself to please or fit in & it nearly killed me. When i realised what i was dealing with, i worked hard on myself and slowly and surely started to take back my own power. I know we talk of greyrocking, but i personnally found the only solution was going no contact,with both, especially after the abuse i had recieved. Its not the easy option, there isnt one, i dont get to see all my neices and nephews grow up, i recieve abuse from their flying monkeys on a regular basis and it hurts to lose all contact with your family and at the end of the day, its the children who suffer, theyve lost out on an aunt and uncle and cousins who love tgem and who would of beought so much love & joy into their lives. Sad all round.🌻
Thankyou HG Tudor - What more can I say but Thankyou again.
It goes the other way too. Narcissists become grandparents. Being old doesn’t make them kind or helpless or any less dangerous. As a parent, having to GOSO a toxic grandparent contradicts all conventional family values. Society has plenty to say about grandparents rights, but the adult children of abusers often need to estrange themselves from that abuse primarily to physically and emotionally safeguard their own children. We did GOSO. In the end, the biggest shock was how easily we and our children were discarded.
Right, but this video is about the grandparents being discarded by their narcissistic children and not allowed to see the grandchildren as punishment. HG has good information about the parental narcissist, but this is a different situation.
@@MichelleRW I get that, but the bit that got my attention was the letter. Just hearing it made my heart rate go up. It’s exactly what our grandparent narc tells the world about us! It was quite a relief to hear HG saying that this was only one side of the evidence and that he was taking it at face value for the purposes of this example. My experience is that the younger generation are almost always assumed to be wrong, or selfish, or ungrateful. I’m not off topic, and a few others have commented similar, so feel free to scroll by.
Thanks HG
My mother in law is a narcissist. And have no contact with her for years. BUT I still allow my kids to see her and even sleep over. I don’t want my kids to lose that relationship because they are good to them and them to them. But my husband is the one who arranges it.
My younger sister held back my nieces from my parents because I wouldn’t apologise.
Sister asked me to look after her dog for a couple of weeks as she was overwhelmed with potty training her then only child whilst being pregnant with her second. She was still working full time & her daughter was in day care, the dog was understandably excited to see everyone home because she was at home. So I agreed. Four months later, she wanted the dog back whilst she was off for two weeks prior to having her second daughter. I asked that she wait (considering she made absolutely no attempt to come see her, only time was when we were together with mum & step dad where we were at a restaurant, which ok, maybe it was too much for her daughter.) because she was spending time with her first child & awaiting her second the fuss from everyone to it then going to a newborn maybe too much for the dog & to have her back when they were settled with the newborn. Hell broke loose! She screamed at both our parents, called the police on myself & boyfriend, we had to explain that it wasn’t right for the dog, she had settled in well with us & wanted her to go back to a home where she could be included. The dog went back a couple of days after, but it didn’t end there. Until I apologised for my behaviour, they would never see their granddaughters again. My parents pleaded with me but I stood my ground because I believed what I said & meant were genuine for the sake of their family & the poor dog. Eventually, the sister realised she didn’t have any babysitters, without me moving my ground there was nothing they could do, so she basically blamed her mornings, accused me of nearly killing their unborn daughter from stress & forgave my parents saying that because I was so stubborn she understood there was nothing they could do. Considering my father was incredibly I’ll at the time & my sister has a thing for money, she shimmed back into their lives again. Until the next time.
I stayed that I’m happy to go with my sister & mum on a girls weekend away, (not my thing but this was a few years from the last fallout, the reconciliation was only lasting for a few days however.) sister said she wanted to bring her children with them (she & husband had spent all money on holidays for themselves not the girls) navies she wanted to give them a holiday I, have no children, I’m not keen & I thought it was going to be an adult weekend. So I said so. Heavens above! Hell breaks loose again. Apparently I hate her children, I’m selfish, she demanded to my mother that I apologise, I gave in & apologised EVEN THOUGH I stood by my word I didn’t it for my mother. My sister told me to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine & called me all the names you can imagine. I was angry, I knew it was pointless, I could only forgive myself that I didn’t it for my mother so she didn’t get such a headache from her. We still haven’t spoken & that was about five years ago. Her daughters are now 10 & 8 I think, I’ve only met them a handful of times.
This is why I’m so fascinated by the whole HW series. It’s an exact stamp of my sister. She’s exhausting. My father & sister are narcs. Father mid lesser. I speak to neither. It’s just not worth the rollercoaster.
Thank you HG. Shall send this to my mother. I can’t get explain it to her. My sister is the favourite & I completely understand, I’m not bothered, my mother is a superstar for all of us. I’m grateful for everything she does for us. My sister however takes her kindness & runs with it making her life a hell when she doesn’t get her own way.
Hello HG This is very sad for the children. They hear friends talk about grandparents and wonder why they don’t have them. There is so much love grandparents have and great grandparents. Children at a gift from God to be loved by the whole family. Sometimes people take their children to court for visitation rights. Especially if a state has a grandparents law. It’s has to be very hard not to see Grandchildren and Great Grandchildren. I wish we meaning the world would go back to the family until again. We have let schools take over and run our children’s lives . This has caused no respect for family. That and the the give me generation. I do hope it starts to go back to the wait was. Respect is the main problem. God Bless HG 🌹♥️🙏🤗
Went no contact with my son. He has 2 sons, one I see rarely and the other more often as he has a different mom and she has joint custody. It is a terrible and heartbreaking situation.
My parents lived it Already as I'm 52 alienated decades from my son and today grandchildren Neither side Knows anything about anyone It's deviating experience still today blaming for whatever nobody's been around anyone say literally anything else I'm ok today I knew as my parents wouldn't change , Lesson of life I've experienced It's worse today than before Everyone else good luck with this Have no clue how toxic Cruelty alienated abusive Relationship It Does show Exactly where everyone involved Belongs in our lives Don't ever Ruin it I wish everyone Best Sometimes u Let go to be able move on and live Not having anything personally through years Helps!!!
Hi HG, I thought I was going to win an argument with my mom one day . I was being a smart ass. Well, she straightened me out. I got mad at my mother one day and I told her ,"if I have children you won't ever see them." She told me "that's okay you won't get any inheritance then." LOL She won!!!! LOLOLOL
This was extremely interesting. Thank you ❤️
Brilliant, thank you HG
Honestly have thought about doing this for protecting my future offspring...
Oh my god. I couldn't imagine being without my grandparents. I was lucky in that way...even though my dad is what he was a bit like 😳 because he never had that, he wouldn't have stopped me from seeing my mums parents. Wow! I feel a bit lucky in some ways...but not in others! Too intelligent for that side of stuff. Very controlled, a git but he was very thoughtful in a cold way! . You don't use children. My grandad on my mums side was amazing...he was stronger than my dad, he was very controlled but loving. There is no way my grandparents would have let us go...they knew what he was but they were too 💪 and kind.
I dont see my two grandsons its heartbreaking 💔 my first grandson stayed with me for 6 months i took him to nursery looked after him, then got cut off, then my son had another one to his ex same woman, then i get to see them both for about a month, when they were 4 and 2 and looked after both well, they are now 14 and 12 her mother had a hand in it too wanting to punish me and my son Thanks 😊 xx
Religious narcissistic cults are a big player in causing this problem too. They tend to subtly teach members how to behave in a narcissistic way.
This problem of grandparents getting cut off from their g.c. happens repeatedly within religious religious cults (where policies and procedures are based on narcissistic tactics) when members either get kicked out or escape. From my experience, in particular with the religious cult of JWs with their disfellowshipping policy, many grandparents will either never even get to meet their g.c. or will have the g.c. they have grown to love and adore ripped away from them over strict religious policies of compulsory stonewalling which are based on and carried out using emotional blackmail. It's extremely sad, heart wrenching in fact, and I watched it play out with my siblings and my mother when my mother escaped from the JW cult. Losing her beloved g.c. was a burden very hard to bare having been a mother of 10 children herself and having over 30 grandchildren. Losing grandchildren in this way is one of the reasons the disfellowshipping policy is an offence against humanity and human rights and should be outlawed from today's society.
Thanks HG!
It happen to me with my niece ,I have not acces and if I do , adverse consequences for her
Having a relationship apart with the child will make adverse consecuencias for the children
Very helpful, thank you.
The narc wife-in-law in our own family used her own newborn as a bargaining chip with our family from the moment the child was born. The child is now 10yrs old and has since been completely alienated from the grandparents, aunts, uncles, great grandparents etc from our side of the family. She displays all the text-book characteristics. Her behaviour is, in fact, identical to HW but without HW level of social power. She even managed to break up the engagement of her BFF (secondary primary source) so that she could invite herself on the expensive overseas honeymoon instead of the intended husband whilst leaving her own daughter and husband at home. She even made them drive her and the BFF to the airport where they confusedly waved her off!
I’m afraid my daughter, if she’s not a narcissist, she has a lot of narc traits. I could’ve written that letter.
My son has cut off all contact with me, his mother, and his brother and sisters. He only talks to his father because he has all the money. His girlfriend doesn’t allow him to have contact with us because she says we don’t like her. Completely not true. She doesn’t recognized my son has a twin sister and my son is not allowed to share birthdays with his twin sister any longer. My son tells everyone he hates me and the girls and we are at a loss. My son was raised in a loving environment and went to catholic school. Now he doesn’t believe in God because she doesn’t. Her family is completely in agreement with her. He recently text me for his ss card and birth certificate. I have not responded.
Good for you for not responding. He can get a copy of his ss card and birth certificate. My son married his girlfriend and she has turned him totally against us. It is such a long story, but to make it brief, I understand what you are going through and it is heartbreaking. I had a wonderful relationship with my son before her and I miss him so much, there is a huge part of our family gone now, we all miss him. The best thing, in our case, is total no contact because he is totally ensnared by her to the point that he is now a Buddhist but raised Roman Catholic and stayed with the church till she came along. It is hard, but learning what you are dealing with helps. Thank God for HG.
My sister has alienated my niece and nephew from me
I am so sorry to hear this 😢. I must say that my one brother and I have not always gotten along. I don't think I would say he was a narcissist, but very narcissistic. He has always been wonderful to my children and I would never get in the way of their relationships.
I have a daughter in the med field - because I voiced my concerns about vax I am completely cut off along with her father. She’s in research & understood very well what was mis-represented before most of us did. I reared my oldest grandson since infancy. My husband & I cared for our infant second grandson & oldest one while she moved in with us to finish her PhD during lock-down. Then after receiving her doctorate, she pivoted & became what is infecting academia at this time: you agree with me or you’re cancelled. We were such a close family. I’m in pain everyday but I believe she’s brainwashed & doesn’t want to jeopardize her career she worked so hard for. I know one of these days, when my grandsons are older, they will look for Grandma & Papa. We were so vey close.
HG, would you consider doing to video on parental alienation?
It is awful, especially when you have to watch your child being destroyed and courts and mental health people don't understand it. It is a living hell.
My brother married a narc and she made sure that he had almost no contact with my parents and me. I haven‘t seen my niece often.
I tried to keep in contact for years but have stopped. I ignore them and that‘s ok.
The same happened to me. What's worse is my brother died, making the grief doubly painful. Its heartbreaking but I'm still hopeful. I hope things get better for you
yes. her daughter inherit her father's character traits, as a first born daughter.
I look forward to the next HD....for I haven't seen my Granddaughter for almost 2 yrs....She will be 3yrs. old this March, 2023.
My Son is with the Mother, who I suspect is a Narcissist, after my education, listening to You and Others.
They are not married, as far as I know.
My Son and I have always been close. I don't understand why He won't share His Daughter with me....yet maybe I do....like Prince Harry...He dare not cross her.....or lose His 'Happy' Home.🤷♀️💔
I'm finding it so interesting right now that Tiktok is full of millennials and gen z bagging on this mom who posted a short clip about how entitled the younger generations are and they just cut off their parents. There is not enough information to bag on this mom and I understand generational pain and trauma. But in my life the only people I've met who should go no contact with someone are boomer parents who need to cut off their spoiled kids! I have two family friends right now with stereotypical 30ish year old men who have failed to launch because of boomer parents who spoiled them.
HG, my sister has a grown daughter with a son and 2 yr old daughter (my sister's grandchildren, of course). My niece had to move in with my sister (her mother and father). The father of their grandchildren is a upper lesser type B narcissist and disengaged by running off with another woman. I don't need to explain what hell he has rained down on their previously empty nest home. Do you have any work of yours to direct me to? Can I buy it and share it with them as a gift because they are spending 1000's upon 1000s fighting with him in court. Thanks in advance. I love listening to you.
Awesome 👌
Mine is the reverse - my 70 yo mother refuses to see my children unless they are fully jabbed because she refuses to bear the guilt if they die. When I gently suggested therapy or counselling to deal with fear/control she lost it on me. It’s been a lifetime of mid range control…this was just the most recent move.
My father is a narcissist/psychopath. I have no relationship with my grandparents, aunts or uncles. The reason is because I don't want to be near anyone related to him so, I had to sacrifice the family. Sometimes I wish to contact them but won't do that, the risk is too high
Courts here in US aren't very good, unfortunately
My narc SIL convinced my brother to allow her parents to spend 99% of their time with their children. As a result my poor mother rarely saw her only 2 grandchildren over 13 years before she passed away. She was lucky to see her grandson and granddaughter one time every 2 months though they lived 3 miles away. 3 miles! My mother never complained about it, but she was deeply hurt by being shut out of the children's lives. What my brother and his harpy wife don't realize is that they were cheating their children of quality time with their paternal grandmother who loved them dearly. I'll never forgive my brother or his wife for neglecting my mother this way. When my SIL and brother were dating she was working on turning him against his blood family. He quickly embraced his in-laws and extended family and began to pull away from me, our Mom, and extended family. My previously empathic brother has over the past 20+ years taken on narcissistic traits and I no longer recognize him.
I raised my grandson from birth as my daughter refused to parents I got custody the father went to prison when she was 4 months pregnant father got out of prison when he was five I welcome them and I let him see his grandson even though the papers said it was at my discretion second visit he said to me I want my son. I said well he doesn't know you we need to figure out a game plan we need to figure out what we're going to do and my grandson was crying he didn't want to go back over there he didn't know his father or his grandfather. After a year and 6 months battle in court and him getting more and more parenting time he was awarded custody. The counselor I hired said my grandson should never lose his one constant. I was allowed to see him for about 7 months. When I was getting him ready for bed I noticed his outer legs head scabs long strips I thought he got them stickers when I look at his rear end and was covered in bruises and different stages of healing I asked him what happened he told me he wasn't supposed to tell me where the daddy said he could never come over again me thinking this is a felon on parole crime was a violent home invasion with a stabbing he was to do 20 years at 6 he was released with three years of parole. I called the police the police man that showed up with about 19 it look like two pictures of the injuries in a showed me DCF would see the pictures and being formed so I'm horrified now realizing it he's not going to go arrest him and he is going to make me return this child in the morning. It's a DCF a week and 4 days to go talk to my grandson and they did it in front of his father who has F the police tattooed on his back. And I'm sure he was terrified of him at this point of time is he known him a year and some months and was getting beaten. I was assured that the pictures would be seen by somebody in Authority but they were left on an Evidence this at the police station. 7 short I was cut off on my grandson so eight months goes by and then the new girlfriend called claiming that he was asking for me and she has best interest at heart and was going to sneak him over he's now a she was really worried about my daughter being in her man's life she's not going to see me from 8 to 10 every time I bought my grandson my but her to send something and then the baby they had together. I bought the new baby clothes car seats crib diaper bags I paid for her son's football I'm saying that I treated them all the same. Oh I forgot to mention after the beating I did take him to court to file for visitation where I was informed that grandparents in the State of Florida have no rights and even though I had custody extended family custody to be exact when that was dissolved all my legal rights we're gone so no standing thousands of dollars for a three-minute hearing anyway the girlfriend snuck him over till he was 10 I told my grandsons father please don't cut me out again I've been a good grandma I haven't caused any problems I've been more than a help I would like all I would do is help you that I loves his new baby girl and the other two I was met with silence. My grandson is not 13 he turned 13 February 20th of 2023 it's been 3 years of no contact I went to his school and I put 80 balloons everywhere that's it happy 13th birthday from nana I love you I wrote on them every one of them I put up signs. I put signs up this man is so spiteful his best friend's girlfriend told me that he gets up at 4 in the morning to go remove my times so that my grandson cannot see any contact for me but I know he got the balloons. But I cannot function I can't look stop figuring out what to do to make this guy forgive me I mean even if he hates me if it wasn't for me he would have went to foster care and to say I appreciate all you've done but I want my son and that's it no discussion no gameplan I couldn't just say bye and goodbye go with this man he don't get it. He says he can never forgive me for calling the police on him I had told him if my grandson was lying about being beaten he needed counseling silence the last time I saw my grandson he was screaming out the car window my nana my nana at CVS Pharmacy father says shut the fuck up and roll up the window I just don't know what to do. And I can't blame this guy for my daughter's drug addiction but he is the one that gave her her first drug he's the one that kept her with him doing drugs until he threw her away and went for custody because he was cheating on her with the new girlfriend. And I'm sorry for the rant but there is just no way to get over this and I'm so scared he's going to forget me or things and I didn't want him or I didn't try I've never gone to the house it's 10 minutes remind because there's no trespassing signs and it'll give him a reason to get a restraining order or no contact or something and it is now if I see my grandson in public I can walk up and hug him until his father drags he'll away I truly believe from this guy's actions when my daughter was with him Diddy the covert malignant narcissist he never talks he never laughs not in my presence he has recluse tattooed on him I just pray to God he's not still hurting that boy emotionally and physically or any kind of way I pray that invalidates him and then he loves him and it's only me that he hates he hates that I took him to court. He hates that I told the courts what he was doing and his family and most of all he hates that I turned them in for abuse what was I supposed to do stay just keep getting the beating so you can come see Nana sometimes I wish I would have God help me
My heart breaks for you. It’s been 8 months since you posted your comment. I hope things have gotten better for you. You are not alone. Im a Nana too. I’m going through something very similar and haven’t seen my grandson in 15 months. DCS ignored the abuse despite him telling them directly what happened. They sent him back home and he suffered the consequences. My narcissistic SIL will never forgive me for reporting the abuse and I could care less. I only want contact with my grandson. I’ve gone into debt getting a lawyer and I’m fighting for contact but my state is the same, and grandparents have little to no rights to their grandchildren. DCS is a corrupt and broken agency and they are not held accountable for putting these children back into the abusive home. Children have no rights. Therapy ordered by the court is often slanted towards the abusive parents and reunification of the family. Gaslighting narcissists know how to play the therapists and the system in general and I was even accused of coaching my grandson to lie about the abuse. No one cared to listen to the truth and they never investigated anything. Narc SIL continues to gaslight and has turned the family upside down, and I am isolated and blamed. Lies don’t have to make sense if someone wants to believe them. The child suffers the most. The heartache for us is devastating and impacts every part of our lives. There are days I don’t think I can carry on another day without him. My only hope has been my faith in God and to Him I give it all. There are terrible things that happen in this world and beyond our understanding. I get on my knees and give it all to Him. I ask Him to protect my grandson’s heart, mind, body and soul from the evil around him every day. The seeds of love from you have been planted in your grandsons heart. No one can take that away from him. That only brings some relief I know. Pray without ceasing for your grandson and for strength to get through it. Take care and I’ll keep you and your grandson in my prayers as well.
In my opinion if my kids have a problem with me, they can get lost, there are so many other things in life to enjoy, being a parent or grandparent isn't the be all or end all. Bring it on baby
it can go the other way the grandparent is the narcissists or being manipulated by a narcissists ipps.
What do you think is best for the child
Harry, is that you?
Is it possible the grandparent is a narcissist and that's why they got the boot?
Ah, you must be referring to MY ungrateful child. When it is time to do a science fair project or other school issue, I am OK. If I point something out about child rearing such as no, I don’t think it is a good idea to leave a 9 year old alone all day in a mobile home in a strange camping park, then I am useless.
😅