Are You Trying to Control Your Spouse's Decisions about Infidelity?
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 10 ต.ค. 2024
- Today Samuel discusses trying to control our spouse's reactions to infidelity and repair work.
FREE Bootcamp for Surviving Infidelity: www.affairreco...
What kind of affair was it?
Take the FREE Affair Analyzer: www.affairreco...
FREE Expert Articles & Videos: www.affairreco...
Get a Recovery Library Membership: www.affairreco...
Access 3,000+ Q&A Videos, Articles and Mentor Stories
Get answers from 1,500+ Expert Q&A Videos (Like this one!)
Talk with others in the private Recovery Library Forums
“The Recovery Library gave me 24/7 support because I could be up at 3am and search for the topic I was struggling with. It also helped as a couple because we could investigate topics together so it wasn’t subjective. I trusted this information because it was from professionals who also had lived through and recovered from infidelity. Double credibility in my book.”
Amanda, Florida
HEAL with Affair Recovery:
Weekend Retreat: www.affairreco...
Online Courses: www.affairreco...
Hope Rising Conference: www.affairreco...
Recovery Library: www.affairreco...
Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
Samuel this was very helpful. I feel stuck right now. My WS is a better husband and a better father since dday, but I feel like he’s not doing his homework to help me get through the pain. I’m the one googling and reading and watching your videos. All he does is ask, “what can I do?”. I want to scream FIGURE IT OUT BECAUSE I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I NEED.
This is exactly how I feel!
This is how I feel
@@unfunny76 then tell them to put the exact amount of effort into it as was put into having a affair
So true! I would insult him when he asked me "what do I do?" I would say, "if I told you, then it would not be you making things better, it would be me and how would I know" My WS ended up being diagnosed with a personality disorder that makes him very indecisive and submissive shortly after that. Then I found out that his AP mentally abused him and cheated on him. This is a mess.
@@ducky1115 🤯🤯🤯 1,000% agree!
I wish she would do so work but I’ve now given up on her. I’m now doing my own work & I’m becoming a better person for it.
It’s been 4 months and to feel safe I moved out. I feel at peace now. He barely makes an effort and I used to check on him to see if he’s working on his issues. That’s exhausting! This video is exactly what I needed to hear. Also, I watched a video that said God removes the toxic people in our lives when He can see their true heart. My fiancé of 9 years had an affair partner the ENTIRE time. He is the one with issues! I want to be free. I refuse to look back a few years later and still not trust him. Be strong out there!!! You deserve better!
So well said. "Letting go of control is not letting go of expectations." Although the unfaithful may think that's what it means, which is super frustrating. Trying to control your spouses recovery is exhausting. I think we all try it at first.
very true. thank you for commenting and watching dawn.
This video is right on Time Sam. Thanks so much for your work and the team at AR. This will definitely be headed and I’ll continue to push my efforts to recovery as an unfaithful. This will serve as a reminder to not only continue my own work but also to keep my eyes on my side of the street only! Thank you!
very welcome. so glad I could support you in your recovery.
You, your wife and videos have been such a blessing for me. Thank you
means the world to hear that. thank you so much.
This is one of the best videos and I’ve watched many AR videos. Thank you for explaining how to keep boundaries with someone who doesn’t want to do the work.
I have no problem of not being controlling the problem is when I feel something is not right I find the betrayer has been communicating with who they said they had an affair with....again. Time after time it creeps back in and I am not in the mood to continue trying to do what is right when the betrayer continues to do as is. In a pickle and not sure what to do 11 months after frippen D-Day. This old veteran has bowed and been fair long enough with this.
Charles D Wilson 11 months in and they are still communicating... It's time to take a stand. Remember your worth.
You're definitely being gamed if they think they can get away w/ being in any kind of touch w/ their affair partner, near a year in. They just aren't willing to give you what you need. I got that the first few months. Mine made every excuse in the book w/ rationalizations that it was harmless. Then I kept hearing how they were indifferent or ambivilent to them. The indifference was more clearly to me. My spouse hasn't seen her pushing 2 months, and I see a big difference in him because of it. He's putting himself places where he could see her recently. His excuse is it's his buddy's shop. I know it will be a disaster if she does show up when he's there. I think his pride his still telling him he's impervious to her attention. That was the big problem though - her attention was like adrenachrome to him. It didn't get sexual, not overtly. There was no love, but the attention was intoxicating. Because it's only 4 months, still not positive he'll give that up if it comes his way again.
Why won’t she own what she’s done? It would help me so much in my recovery.
uptomeok it would HELP, but it's not the determinating factor... That honor is YOURS. She may very well be engulfed in shame, and still buzzed from the high of an affair. Just work on healing yourself and regaining your mental strength and wellness.
You're not alone. My wife refused to take responsibility for her actions early on and forced me to heal independenly. It then allowed me the patience needed to provide her with a "safe" space for her to truly express her actions.
uptomeok good luck🙏
Samuel, your videos are my ultimate help in recovery. The topics you cover are so important, they help me recenter whenever I get into the downward spiral of self-pitty, desperation and cluelessness. I would be so much interested in video on how to deal with the situation when the unfaithful spouse is still seeing the affair partner (as they are co-workers). It is such a difficult situation for me. Do you have any guidelines what you can expect from your unfaithful spouse to comfort you? What can I do not to loose it and attack him with my jealousy? Would be so glad to hear a video on that.
thank you for the encouragement and kind words. i'll see what I can do for sure on that. it's been asked before and i'll work on it. thank you again.
So so true...I’ve had to learn this the HARD way...
My wife had An affair and I’m trying to learn to let go so she can hopefully want to reinvest in our marriage herself
Herakles healing is a non linear process... Don't worry about her at this time, just continue to grow and heal yourself mentally and emotionally. She's got to make her own choice, and you'll need to be strong enough to allow her the space to do it
This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you for the good advice.
We say the 3C's in Al-Anon
Can't cure it
Can't control
Didn't cause it
My husband is an alcoholic and his drinking (Mistress in our marriage) lead me to cheat. Now he's in AA working with a sponsor I have to work REALLY hard at "Staying in my own lane" with his recovery. Because I have this massive fear that if he starts drinking again, I'll start dealing with that stress by cheating again. I have to remind myself daily to just pay attention to my own actions.
He did not want to do his job, I can't live like this. I am tired of this toxic relationship. I try really hard to understand him, to keep our family together but he refused to work in a recovery. I am done......
Hope you're OK ...good choice don't be like me
What about when my husband just wants me to be over it already? I have been doing good but I had an episode, like a panic attack, and my husband sees it separate from the 5 months of infidelity, not caused by it (PTSD?). I feel I'm on my own now even though he initally pushed and wanted reconciliation, was on board for the first month reading workbooks, watching videos, counseling, and now he just gets angry with me, raises his voice, dismisses me, says he can't keep going on like this. And he doesn't understand videos or only remember beginning and end and nothing in between. I feel pressure to fix myself quickly or I'll lose him again. I feel I'm on my own ,and I'm the problem. Which is what he used to tell me all during the infidelity and why did it. Even watching these videos upset me if I watch more than 2 because I wish he could understand what's going on for me and you explain it so well. I need some actual techniques to fix myself so these thoughts and episodes stop
Sounds like what you were going through is normal and part of the process. I hope he got some help so he could properly support you and take full ownership for the mess he made. It was never your fault what he did. People are faulty, marriages get stuck, but cheating is supposed to be off the table.
Check out David E Clarke Phd.
Enough is Enough
We didn’t go to councilling . Try to fix on their own . So far 4 months passed discovery of full blown affaiir of two years . I can’t afford councilling due to covid and no work. . Any advice ...
use our site affairrecovery.com as there are hundreds of free resources including our free bootcamp here: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp there are also scholarships you can apply for here: www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request
I found out my husband was addicted to porn. He supposedly is free of it but still won't initiate sex with me - ever! I recently found out he has a food addiction too. He is only getting help because he got caught and is now scrambling. Not sure I can ever trust him. It would take a miracle.
Thank you for this video, it helps me see that I may have a way out and don't have to settle with this for the rest of my life. I am seeking my own healing & focusing on that.
God bless you Samuel & Samantha!!!!
Where can I find recovery from infidelity? I live in Pennsylvania
our online courses are here: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses
How do you get your betrayed partner to stop micro managing your life?
typically expert help and the implementation of that help and process will work. it's normal early on to see that no matter what....but with the right help and process, it can and usually does fade.