Retroactive Jealousy: Their Past Casual Relationships Bother Me MOST.
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 ก.ย. 2024
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Hi there, we are Eva & Sean Harrison.
A married couple that has overcome retroactive jealousy, ROCD and general relationship anxiety. The first few years together we really struggled with these issues and today we work together to help individuals and couples who feel overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated and stuck due to intrusive thoughts and mental movies regarding their partner’s past and/or doubts about their relationship today.
Whether you suffer from Retroactive Jealousy, ROCD, Relationship Anxiety or just want some invaluable relationship advice we hope our content helps you.
If you’re an individual or couple suffering with anxiety, confusion, anger, disgust, judgement, intrusive thoughts, trust issues, numbness, uncertainty in your relationship and are trying to keep it together on the outside but are suffering daily on the inside or if you’ve Googled or looked up “Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy”, “Overcoming ROCD”, “Relationship Anxiety symptoms”, “ROCD / Retroactive Jealousy why do the thoughts feel so real?”, “How to stop wishing your partner's past was different”, “How to treat ROCD”, “Intrusive thoughts and compulsions in relationships”, “Feeling doubt/questioning my relationship”, “Cure for Retroactive Jealousy?”, “How to overcome Retroactive Jealousy”, “ROCD / Relationship Anxiety or wrong relationship?”, “Relationship OCD urge to break up”, “ Retroactive Jealousy symptoms”, “ROCD symptoms” you’ve come to the right place.
The people we have worked with have experienced and processed how and why these things showed up in their relationships. As well as how it lead to them having intrusive thoughts, feeling angry, sad, anxious and like they are self sabotaging their relationship.
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Hello, at 8:30 you mentioned video where you discuss the feelings that partner has to do a lot more to get something, than some casual hookup “partner”.
Which video is that, please ? Thank you
After experiencing this is my own relationship, and visiting discussion posts regarding this topic i have concluded that RJ is a valid response to a culture that has devalued the sacredness of sex and promoted promiscuity and casual relationships. We have not been designed to have these deep and meaningful experiences with an indiscriminate number of ppl both in relationships or hookups. Hookup culture has disrespected the gravity of sex and its depth. It's no wonder that RJ only comes up when one falls in love. Its because we understand that sex is not just a physical act but much deeper and not being able to fully experience that depth because a partner has previously given their sexuality away indiscriminately does not mean the RJ sufferer is wrong. It means they have a conscience, and their body is telling them that the promiscuous partner may not be trustworthy due to their demonstated decison making in the past.
I don’t disagree! There are many cases where people engage in hookup culture when they are young because that’s what is portrayed to them as normal.Then figure out it’s not for them and want to get in to a serious relationship. This is where I believe they should be able to do that without being judged for their past.
@overcomingrelationshipanxiety Firstly, thank you for this series. Though I may disagree with some of the conclusions I am very grateful that there a space to learn and discuss about this issue without just being told to "get over it" or " the past doesn't matter"
I agree that people can change and regret their past but they need to exhibit demonstrable changes and abstain from that behavior for a considerable period of time for change to be sincere , and not because they just want someone before they get too old.
As a man who has consciously abstanied and has less experience, i can't help but feel that there is a level of unfairness. The promiscuous partner has experienced whatever they desired, gave themselves away without much commitment/effort, and probably is desensitized to sex/intamcacy due to how trivially they treated it in the past.
I find it manipulative because the partner with the past did not sacrifice the same way i have. They did not practice self-control or discernment. They were perfectly fine accepting low commitment one night stand but now want dates, gifts, money spent and someone to sacrifice their life for them because they now want "good, safe" guy to settle with, because they cane to a realization in their late 20's.
I find this unfair and unearned on so many levels, and i dont want to experience this again.
Even if they were in multiple committed relationships. Why does this person deserve any more resources being poured into them? They have been given enough and taken enough. Why would i be any different to them? I dont want to invest and be left with nothing at the end.
I think past experiences matter and ppl of similar pasts should date each other. It's a matter of fairnes i feel.
Bake your cake and eat it too, mentality.
There is no novelty in anything you would do anymore. She has experienced everything already with others. What is special that is left over for you? Your first experience is her 10th. Im sorry there is no way around that.
@@bobbyp3212 I hear what you are saying. RJ is when you want to be with someone but their past bothers you. What you are describing is more a choice/preference which everyone is entitled to. So if you don’t want someone with a big past because you don’t have one either that is a choice not RJ. Nothing wrong with that.
@@overcomingrelationshipanxietyyou are right but it's an opinion that makes RJ much more likely
@@bobbyp3212 Just don't date, really. You sound like your typical RJ guy - emotionally immature, egoisticial, even jealous of the women, usually because you couldn't really get laid and now you are angry that you feel behind. Go look for high school girls if you want somebody "pure". Remember, you are not that special.
What if an old hookup texted her asking for sex? Mine entertained him before blocking him 😭😭
Actually the thoughts of being compared is undesirable regardless of duration
Personally, I don't really have trust issues and I don't think that my partner doesn't have a strong commitment to the relationship. I'm perfectly able to notice the change in my gf's mind about this, and I know she would only concede herself to me in the present. I still suffer from RJ tho, because even in the most intimate moment with her my mind attacks me with thoughts about her old mindset, it seems like the intimacy that I once experimented at 100% now it's in some way reduced, it's really hard to explain, I still feel very good with her, but it's like something isn't ok even though rationally speaking it really is. I don't know if I could communicate this as I view it, but I hope so :c
Hey, I think I know exactly what you’re feeling. I think I feel the same way. Could you tell me how things are now? I hope they are well and would really like to hear from you. Thank you for posting your comment.
@@Bobby_1313 Hii, it's been only 4 months since I wrote that comment but to me it seems like an eternity. The relationship is still on point, we're in a good phase and even though we sometimes have issues things are going better day by day. For what regards RJ, I feel like my thoughts "evolved" since my old comment. The stuff that used to disturb me is completely irrelevant in my mind now, but those thoughts have left space to new catastrophic thoughts that sometimes are related to possible or real current ideas of my gf about sexual/relational stuff with which I don't agree, even though it still doesn't concide with her priority/desires in her relationship with me. Sometimes my thoughts go from her past behaviors to present opinions and always shift. When something seems to not bother me anymore it leaves space to something else, sometimes even to invented improbable scenarios etc.
So, it's still hard, but even though I now have more disturbing thoughts I feel like I'm much more able to assume them as just thoughts and I don't let them interfere too much with my mood or perceived intimacy with her. So I can surely say I have made a lot of progress in these months and this channel was a starting point for me, so I will always be grateful to it :) The path is still long but I'll never give up
@@Bobby_1313 Hii, it's been only 4 months since I wrote that comment but it feels like an eternity to me. My relationship is still on spot and we get along really well, we sometimes have issues but things are going better day by day. For what regards RJ, my thoughts have "evolved" since my past comment. At first I was only bothered by her past, but going on that stuff started to feel less impactful/important, so those thoughts have left space to new disturbing thoughts that sometimes regard her present thoughts about relationships or sexuality, both real and possible/imagined (they still don't impact her priorities and desires in her current relationship with me tho).
So, now I have more disturbing thoughts than before if we're talking about numbers, but I feel like I made enormous progresses, I'm a lot more able to remain calm, to accept my thoughts as just thoughts and I don't let them impact my mood or my perceived intimacy with her. It still hurts because sometimes they regard her real general opinions about stuff, but I'm a lot more able to accept this. The path is still long to go and I'll never give up ;)
@@Bobby_1313 Hii, it's been only 4 months since I wrote that comment but it feels like an eternity to me. My relationship is still on spot and we get along really well, we sometimes have issues but things are going better day by day. For what regards RJ, my thoughts have "evolved" since my past comment. At first I was only bothered by her past, but going on that stuff started to feel less impactful/important, so those thoughts have left space to new disturbing thoughts that sometimes regard her present thoughts about relationships or sexuality, both real and possible/imagined (they still don't impact her priorities and desires in her current relationship with me tho).
So, now I have more disturbing thoughts than before if we're talking about numbers, but I feel like I made enormous progresses, I'm a lot more able to remain calm, to accept my thoughts as just thoughts and I don't let them impact my mood or my perceived intimacy with her. It still hurts because sometimes they regard her real general opinions about stuff, but I'm a lot more able to accept this. The path is still long to go and I'll never give up ;)
@@Bobby_1313 Hii, it's been only 4 months since I wrote that comment but it feels like an eternity to me. My relationship is still on spot and we get along really well, we sometimes have issues but things are going better day by day. For what regards RJ, my thoughts have "evolved" since my past comment. At first I was only bothered by her past, but going on that stuff started to feel less impactful/important, so those thoughts have left space to new disturbing thoughts that sometimes regard her present thoughts about relationships or sexuality, both real and possible/imagined (they still don't impact her priorities and desires in her current relationship with me tho).
So, now I have more disturbing thoughts than before if we're talking about numbers, but I feel like I made enormous progresses, I'm a lot more able to remain calm, to accept my thoughts as just thoughts and I don't let them impact my mood or my perceived intimacy with her. It still hurts because sometimes they regard her real general opinions about stuff, but I'm a lot more able to accept this. The path is still long to go and I'll never give up ;)
Can you explain about an experience they had while you two knew each other. Not cheating or having committed to a relationship yet but for e.g. my girlfriend had an experience with someone while we knew each other but were “friends” that were interested in each other but didn’t get into a relationship for reasons. It feels like someone else was chosen over you because you both existed at the time and it feels like they had better qualities as it lead them to engage in a casual act while you had to go through the “stages” while they got to skip to the end and it feels like the other person had something over me because while at the time I was interested in her he got to her first it hurts to know during that time they had an experience with someone else while I already started developing feelings. I feel like it hurts more because I felt like we already had something and she chose to not develop/continue that but go onto someone else.
Yes, we will make a video on this soon! Thank you for your comment.
@@overcomingrelationshipanxiety Hi, it’s been 2 months however I’m still dealing with the issue of these thoughts could you upload a video related?
Sorry, there have been many people asking for a video on different topics. I will have one up on this next week@@TheMounten1
th-cam.com/video/MQWknbf89Tw/w-d-xo.htmlsi=m65UrIyJJUeunFMd it's up!!
Much power to you,hope you overcome how you feel and be happy.
Thank you maam
Glad it helped:)
Acceptance takes time and deeper understanding
Where is the link to the video about the guy having to work for it but the casual not having to?
th-cam.com/video/TLCLihE5Xi4/w-d-xo.htmlsi=3xfAQN9QGiXOvFff
Can you make one when the genders are reversed. When the girl was selective and the man was promiscuous. I think men make more of a deal with it because they are shocked by women being promiscuous bc of how women are viewed in society. On average, it’s normal for men to be promiscuous. In most occasions the woman is dealing with the RJ. And it’s more difficult as a woman dealing with a man in general, and dealing with a former promiscuous one at that I can only imagine. I know people can change. But on most occasions, men with promiscuous past have trouble in their relationships long term. They think they don’t bc they are able to have sex with the women they’re in love with. But theirs a disconnect that they don’t seem to recognize in themselves. That’s why I think they tend to struggle so much. They are used to being in low energy. Their bare minimum is a lot to them. But to the woman who’s been that way her whole life. She will grow weary and exhausted of him in the long run. She’ll want a man who’s actually had experience in long term relationships. Which is why she prefers him over the former promiscuous man any day. Some of them get lucky when they score a good woman after that lifestyle. But most don’t and if they do, they can’t sustain the relationship and they go back to their promiscuous behavior. Or they just become really religious all of a sudden to get a “Christian” woman. When that doesn’t work, they accept that their past actions might have led them to a life of solitude and loneliness. And then you see them accepting their singleness. Then they start to educate others about avoiding promiscuous behavior.
Lots of people talking about moral standards while in reality I'm pretty sure most of them have also had casual relationships or one-night stands. I think that most of RJ sufferers see their partners as a mean to feel valued as a person (you spoke about this in your video). So the idea that they had casual relationships somehow devalues them in our mind and as a consequence we feel less valuable too (also you compare yourself with the guy who "used" your partner while she's the whole world for you, which leads to anger and a weird feeling of envy). Also the fact that they could have casual relationships somehow makes your whole relationship less unique and special, which again is connected to being in a relationship to feel valued rather being loved.
But why would you be in a relationship if not to be valued? Lol
But what about those who don’t have many of any past casual relationships? Being “pretty sure” that a person has had the same past invalidates those who actually do not have that sort of past. Please know that you’re speaking to everyone and not just one sub-category. It isn’t fair because there are those who want to love and have nowhere near the various casual encounters of their current partner, or any at all. I personally have felt something of the sorts especially after losing my virginity to someone I married who had many many ex casual partners.
@@Bobby_1313 i know it's hard because you feel like you missed out while they were out having fun but also they gave away something that feels important and special to you because you have only done it with 1 person. I am in the exact same place but honestly just try to look at the positives.. do they love you? Do they invalidate you and compare you to others? If not try to just be happy but I get there's always a fear they will not think you are good enougv
@@Drikkerbadevand thank you so much for your response. I can definitely relate to this. And I agree with you. I’m now divorced and have tried dating maybe 3 more times sense and currently with someone who may still have an exponential amount of experience compared to me. I was never the casual type and kept to myself a lot. To hear it was just “fun” makes me think I shouldn’t have been so self preserved/ restricting of myself . Because that “fun” is the same thing I considered special between us. Sometimes I feel the only way to be okay or to feel less bothered/conflicted is if I were to go out and have “fun.” But I love who I’m with and don’t want that. I feel like we disconnect on that level. It’s hard yea and I would never want anyone to feel shamed for their past actions. I’m more so conflicted with myself and it hurts me. I’m scheduling more therapy sessions in hopes that it all works out. I don’t want to lessen the love I have for my SO just so I can feel less bothered but I worry that I may become more avoidant in order to reduce my love for them so that it doesn’t hurt as much. I love hard and deeply, so I hope that therapy can help me to continue loving strongly and deeply.
@@mukanshinluger651 Yeah I get that.. The only real cure is as you say get the experience yourself.. or.. just vet them better before commiting, and make sure you have similar world views when it comes to intimacy.
I trust them I don’t trust their impulse control and I don’t think men should bring up trust to their women