The hardest thing for me as an INFJ is feeling constantly behind in who I want to become. It's not for lack of effort though, it's more a case of struggling to find the right road that gets me to where I want to be. Often times the road I'm on is long and slow and results take far too long to make themselves evident. Other times I'm trying new things that don't work out and it's back to square one. All of this really takes it toll. It's exhausting trying to be who you want to be, yet failing. This makes me not want to be seen by others because I feel like what they see will not be a true representation of who I want to be. To them perhaps the lack of results may come across as laziness. The idealistic mind of an INFJ is a blessing and a curse at times.
Think about this....what if? The future or the past does not exist. If u think about it, the past has become memories in your head and the future never comes, why? Because tomorrow is always today. If tomorrow reaches, we will say Today. And if today ends, we will say yesterday. It's like everything happens in the now, only now. Now, I know u have dreams of someone u want to become. What if u already are the person u want to become? And u are just in denial like I am now. Scared of having fun releasing the darkness( which is also u) within you. I don't think u will ever be that something u are seeing in your( because it does not exist). If it existed you would have already arrived there, but every time u think, " I have arrived." There is nothing there. I think....u should maybe start focusing on what u really are, IN THE NOW.
Jason, your vulnerability here is always so beautiful to me. I don't want to give you advice - I know by the way you write you are perfectly capable of working it out for yourself. You know it too, which is why you always write these deeply introspective comments here, because you're looking to find something in it. And you will.
It takes a high level of maturity and self awareness and acceptance too in order to have enough of self confidence to let others to see us as we are,but as an INFJ I see the relationship in general as investment in humans with my time, money and energy and I prefer to put it into the right person with mutual benefits each time we get in touch, if not, I will classify it as a dangerous or risky relationship (to terminate as fast as possible) or I will classify it as a simple acquaintance who might need help in the future that I could benefit from by just the fact of seeing that he/she is doing way better after I helped.
I think too, that we fear someone actually seeing us just because we’re not used to it. It’s so rare. And we’re nervous about how they’ll respond to our true selves. For me, my inner most self is kind of raw, fragile, and so precious to me. It’s easy to wound it if it’s not respected. My experience of people seeing ME has often not been good. I’m teased for having “big” emotions, either positive or negative ones. Even when the response isn’t outright negation of how much I feel, and show I feel, it’s most often met with surprise and confusion, not understanding or as something normal or expected. This can compute to me as disapproval, that what I feel or express is inappropriate or wrong. Since I respect other people’s emotions (whether I agree with it or not is immaterial), their response to my feelings has a lot of impact. So, when someone does see me, I have a tendency to brace for a negative reception. It’s understandable that this happens, but I don’t think it’s a good thing. And I’m working hard to find a way around or through to the place where I can accept that my seeing and feeling things differently from most doesn’t necessarily make it wrong, it may even be a better perspective in its way. Because I’m basically expecting a negative response I often sound defensive or confrontational from the start, making statements about my thoughts in a way that almost challenges others to dare declare a different opinion. It’s not fair, and with friends especially, shouldn’t be necessary. It certainly doesn’t open the way to a calm exchange of ideas, which is really what I want. Since it’s such a deep seated fear of my opinions and feelings being dismissed or over ruled, it’s been very difficult to overcome the defensive tones when I do express my real self. And being aware and trying to change my tone makes me sound flat or clipped and can make it come across even worse, lol. So it’ll still be awhile before I can do that effortlessly for sure. I hope that once I can, I’ll see more positive responses from people, and even if they don’t agree or “accept” my opinion, they will be more apt to respect it, and I’ll get more used to people seeing the real me because I’ll finally feel safe to reveal it more often. But yup, it’s definitely hard, and very bumpy learning curve!
Yes! You're definitely right, being seen can be scary, but we will always long for it. I think the key to success for any INFJ is to realize that we will always be misunderstood by most people and that it's okay.
Being seen & loved can be terrifying . I longed for that my entire life but when it really happened I ran into the opposite direction. I can really relate to what you talked about in your video , Thank you.
Being seen is like being at the mouth of a black hole. You know you'll fall in, and you have no idea what's there, but you can't help standing too close to the edge 😆
This is so relatable I give people little clues all the time it's disappointing when they don't see them but then it's also very scary when someone see you, what you crave the most is the most terrifying. I'm loving your other channel too it's fun to watch you and your husband type people!
Being disappointed in relationships has been the norm for me since adolescence. I am more aware than ever of how easily such a statement can be construed as narcissistic, egotistic, etc. But it doesn't feel at all like that for me. I am very different from almost all the people I've known...Whether or not that means "better" rarely even comes to mind. I've learned to use a "one way shield" in most interactions. As much as I savor my alone time, it can get truly tough to deal with...When I'm among strangers, and acquaintances, my empathy is always "turned on", and I'm often willing to lend a helping hand without mindfulness of the virtue or personal benefit...It gives me great joy to be helpful and kind to others. But the general intuitive feedback I'm getting more and more is agenda driven, fearful and just surface oriented drivel...Truly exhausting. So, all this to say that , as much as this MBTI stuff has helped me understand many of my quirks, strengths and weaknesses, it hasn't made me more approachable, or more willing to accept betrayals and hurtful behaviors.
I don't think your declaration is any of those things (narcissistic, egotistic, etc.). I think it's just a truth you have known about yourself. I'm sure many of us here have known it to be true in our own lives. Why was I willing to give this person a try (the one I mentioned in my video)? Because obviously, I am still searching for someone to fill in some gaps. I realize the chances of my pursuits will mostly fail, but some have not and some have turned out in the most amazing way. Because of this, I still live in hope.
I've been listening to some of your videos recently and found them such a soothing source in terms of content, reasoning and your beautiful voice. When you took the time to really respond to a comment I made last night which was essentially a cry for help, where in your genius INFJ way you managed to tune into exactly what was important and effectively and precisely address every aspect of what I was saying, to create a sacred space between us and anyone else who connected with it to hold me and make me feel safe and understood on every level. This reminded me of the unique skills we have as INFJs in cutting straight to the core of what really matters, seeing past the surface or appearance of a situation to really comprehend the reality of what's really going on. You reminded me of how easily it comes where it's almost our default state, we can see and feel how others are really feeling beyond the facades and if there's anything we can do to assist or help, we jump right in but seem to know exactly what is needed in terms of approach, sensitivity and nuances. We don't do it out of any sense of being a hero or saviour or getting accolades, it comes from a place deep within that's pure of heart and intent where we can't bear to see suffering if there's anything we can do in a respectful and non intrusive way. That's exactly what you did in your thoughtful response to my comment and it had a dual aspect of supporting me in a powerful way, but also reinforcing my sense of the gift we have as INFJs and it can't be for nothing? I've just read through some of the comments on this video alone and your responses, I'd do anything for the opportunity to find people like you, us and just be in the presence of such insightful and special people. I don't mean this out of any place of elitism or arrogance, just from a place of appreciation that we are not alone and to enjoy the feeling of being in the same space as some beings with the same capacity for the love that I feel when I see the insights and sharings here. It's a lovely little channel and space you have created here and it seems that the people who find themselves here are meant to be here. Thank you for creating this space and thank you to everyone here for sharing and allowing for the level of connection that's so hard to find. I also love that you take the time to reflect on comments and reply in a thoughtful way, building connections that feel personal. It's really impressive and inspiring to me that this space exists, and the people who find themselves here exist also. Even if we don't know each other or ever meet, it compensates for any perceived lack of such quality connections in real life. Sending lots of love and gratitude to anyone who reads this 🥰
"It can't be for nothing" ... these were my literal words five years ago after my parents died. Meaning is so very important for us, even the meaning of our own existence. No, it's not for nothing you are the way you are. I know you have some rough road ahead, but at the same time, I am truly excited for you. I mean this truly, but after the dust settles sometime in the future, I would love for you to stop by here again and just let me know you made it, and what freedom feels like. Thank you for your kindness and lovely encouragement to me. I am only human, and when I'm seen in such a way as you've seen me here, it helps me to keep going as well.
There's seems to be those few people that can care about you and like to share some deeper observations of themselves and you, even the darker scarier parts, but it all comes about in such an easy and non-threatening, non-offensive manner, that it has a flow to it. Often, these interactions have a lightness and humor, and it emboldens the conversations to take steps into areas that would have been impossible to have with others. I've sometimes found this with fringe people, those that have suffered in some way that stripped their egos and left them less protective of appearances vs. reality.
I think that the dynamic between you two was an interesting and funny insight for me . She wanted to connect on the light-hearted side of things discussing day-to-day things and maybe doing some activities that aren't serious and don't really mean anything(going for coffee just for coffee or walking just to walk ) but we want to do these things to spark deeper meaning and explore life and ourselves on a deeper spiritual level(almost all the time... doesn't matter what it is . convo on the phone, speaking about interests, going for a meal) our minds always wonder to the ethereal. The thing is... I noticed that she gave you the same energy that you gave her in the beginning when things were just light-hearted. you weren't interested and gave off a half-hearted energy because those things genuinely didn't matter to you. similarly, when she indulged in the more ethereal topics it seemed as if she was bland for whatever reason. for me, this is an amazing insight that may help me cultivate more connections and or friends because I couldn't piece this together on my own for some reason. I just thought that maybe we weren't compatible as people and that I gave it my all but in reality that's not the case. taking a step I see that I may brush off people's way of doing things or the way people go about life in favor of my own because I slightly indulge in the more light-hearted things for their sake. In reality, I'm constantly only thinking about what I want and that's a bit selfish so when things don't seem to go the way I expected I tend to see the connection as something that won't work and I don't put in the effort. Question: did I really truly indulge in their side of things or did I do it to try and selfishly get what I want out of the interaction? not sure if I'm capable of stepping outside of my box like I'm requiring others to do.
I can relate so much. Getting older has changed my perspective for sure. I always wanted to find someone who could see the real me inside and never did. I know it has been just as much me as the others in my life. When others don’t take the bait I lose interest and it sounds harsh. I’ve never known anyone that has allowed me to fully open my inner workings to. Been married 28 years and sometimes I feel like she really doesn’t know me. I try to get into the deeper aspects and it’s like I’m talking to myself. I guess not ever having real friendships and feeling like I didn’t fit in, has changed how I feel about being seen. Thanks for your perspective.
I always thought I'd love to fully open those inner workings to someone else. I longed for it, but ever since I've really started to get to know me, I love that she and I have some secrets together. The irony, right?
This resonates so much! It’s something I’ve experienced in my relationships. As the famous book goes I’ve had a hard time “winning friends and influencing people” which reminds me of your older video about if INFJs love people. I think because of our inability to not be well mirrored by people in our lives it makes us disinterested in people on a personal level. But it kills me that people aren’t attracted to me as a person bc of lacking the qualities of being sweet, kind, loving. As you know being sensitive means you get hurt even more and was wondering if you had thoughts on this 😅
Hello 😊 I would say I am disinterested in many people on a personal level, but very interested in a few. These people are my loved ones, my inner circle, the ones I can show myself to and trust wholeheartedly. It's not so much that they mirror me as much as I choose to be vulnerable with them, in such a way that I can accept their love, support and feedback. Are you saying people aren't attracted to you in general?
@@YourNeverSleepingBeauty I agree and because INFJs are mirrors (no pun intended I think 😆) we end up becoming like the people we allow ourselves to be connect with that’s why we chose people we wouldn’t mind becoming like if you know what I mean. So that explains why we’re disinterested in many people but I would also say that peopling requires me to be “on” like I don’t just wake up out of bed excited to answer the door for maintenance whereas some people light up whenever they see another human period. So not being people oriented is where I think not being attractive to other people comes in because I heard somewhere that people like people who like them - so with INFJs we (or I’ll speak for myself) have to stir my affections for people because I’m not naturally a people person which makes them more attracted to me as opposed to when I don’t do that. Otherwise I’m pretty cold, dry, to myself 🤷🏾♀️ which is not the recipe to be likable and make friends but it is my nature. A good test for attractiveness is how many people come up to you when you’re minding your business in public… 😆
Yeah, being seen for who we are is hard. We are both introverts and a bit secretive. Some people in my life have noticed things about me, but mostly negative stuff. Even when they observe the good stuff, it's a bit awkward.
As of now, I'm more than happy to stay invisible. Haven't found anyone even remotely willing to "take the bait". Also, stopped putting bait out there all together and just said up front what I expect, what to expect and that I see/accept the other person as who they are and offer to work on our short comings together. Just cutting to the chase chases people off and it's great! I don't feel beholden to any sort of accountability that way.
Hello to you. How does this work when meeting someone new? Surely there has to be some kind of "feeling out" period before you lay it all on the line. But I guess if your goal is to be alone and chase people away, your way is the way to do it. I want to say to you that I'm sorry no one has taken the bait, because I think intimate relationships are the most wonderful things in the world and you deserve to have one, but if you are happy, then you are happy.
@@YourNeverSleepingBeauty Hello to you as well! Hopefully, the explanation I give doesn't come across as coming from a place of self pity because it certainly isn't. I really do try to look at things as objectively and logically as I can. Intimate relationships probably are the most wonderful thing, but unfortunately I don't know what that's like. It was something I've desired all my life but suppose I've never understood. I've given others full attention, compassion and understanding just to be met with criticism for what I am. Because of this, I really had to look at what I was and it was not pleasant in the least. There was much research into confirming/ruling out possible psychological disorders, going to a psychiatrist to obtain a proper diagnosis, as well as therapy to address possible unhealthy tendencies which may contribute to this social disconnect. I liken my situation to an analogy of two people standing outside in the snow. One person has appropriate attire and the other is wearing only underwear. Hypothetically, neither is able to see what the other is wearing. The one in underwear struggles to function in an environment that feels much more intense than to the one whose dressed. As they converse with each other, frustrations arise from both sides. The clothed person says to the unclothed: "look, I'm cold too. Why can't you just do (example)?" as the unclothed responds "I understand what you are saying, but it's very difficult because (example)." As an infj with moderate inattentive adhd as well scoring high on the hsp scale, it's really difficult to not get met with "why can't you just.." or "why are you so sensitive about..." from almost everyone I attempt to let in. And I absolutely get their sentiment because even though I've finally accepted it, I don't like that I've been this way all my life either. I'm still open to having a genuine intimate relationship but at the same time I don't feel the need to waste any ones time (mine included) by being gentle about my genetic makeup. I suppose if there is a feeling out period, it would be if they were to express interest in being closer. If that were to happen, that's when I let them know what to expect. It may be a form of self preservation or just acceptance of reality as I understand it. Either way, it's easier on everyone in the long run and who knows, perhaps another person wearing underwear or at least a t-shirt and socks will understand what this form of directness is indicative of. I hope this makes sense and I GREATLY appreciate your responses. I could be wrong in interpreting it this way, but your responses are like kind gentle challenges designed to make one look inward and really evaluate the things they've said and why.
INFJs listen to others and are loved for this. Yet the relationship is one sided, as hardly anyone ever listens to the INFJ. Is that because others do not listen? Or, is it because the INFJ does not speak? I come across an INFJ, roughly every 7 years. I know 5 of them. They all listen, but only one of them, has the courage to share their inner world with me. The INFJ who is seen; need to take a leap of faith, have courage and have the ability to trust. To know that they deserve to be seen and be loved too.
This has gone horribly wrong for me. I've been tentatively opening up little gaps in conversations to try and drop something in that might allow for me to share something personal or important, when the opportunity and context feels appropriate. It's been with close family members who I don't see very often but have changed a lot in the time since last visit. It's baffling how badly it blew up in my face, to the extent I was accused of being narcissistic, self absorbed and shut down completely just for trying to share this aspect of my personality that explains a lot of other areas of difficulty that they are always reminding me about. The dynamics are so messed up as they consider me to be the family scapegoat, I'm the one with all the problems when I'm the only one who actually expresses my feelings and has spent years in therapy trying to heal. Anything that reminds them of their own wounds is met with derision and they will turn everything back on me. It's heartbreaking as I love them but have to consider I may have to cut them off completely as they are totally unwilling to support me or even try to listen to me the rare times I speak. Instead I get interrupted, told I'm too long winded and never get to the point and am not worth taking a few minutes just to hear me speak. After several suicide attempts they know I'm hanging on by a thread but I know if I do manage it someday, they will wring their hands in disbelief about how they couldn't believe it and they had no idea when it's so obvious. We can only survive without any meaningful connections for so long. If the people who claim to love us can't even listen for 5 minutes without shutting us down when we get the courage to open up, and do so in such a dismissive way where we wonder what's the point in speaking at all, what's the point in living when we have so much in our heads and hearts but no one cares or gives us a chance to express ourselves. I'm not sure how much longer I have in me to keep going in this world and I'm so exhausted trying to be seen, heard and understood. I make so many sacrifices just to live so others don't have to deal with the pain of my passing but I don't want to be here. They don't seem to think I'm worth the effort to try and understand at all so one day I'll give up. Think I'm there already.
@@nedthestaffieegan3452 @Ned. Sounds tough. Is there anyone you can trust, that is not your family? Unfortunately there are some people who 100% cannot be trusted and they need to be avoided. The empathy and kindness of an INFJ is one of the greatest gifts in this world, choose wisely who you give it too. Most people make minor mistakes, but if they're 99% trust worthy consider whether it's worth opening up. There are people out there looking for you; but they will never find you, if you trust no one and avoid everyone. It's hard, but previous trust violations in the past, does not define your future. Everyone deserves their place in this world and to be loved, be seen and respected. Are you able to get mental health support? Or support from friends that love you?
@@nedthestaffieegan3452 “If the people who claim to love us …” My dear one, you already know the answer. You already know what you have to do and this is what gives you grief. You have to be “selfish” and the thought of this is horrifying, so much that you would rather die than to have to act in this way. But I want you to know I’ve read all your words and I’m here to tell you that your thoughts are exactly right - that you must put yourself first and shut the door on the lot of them. Sometimes, for us, knowing someone else sees what we’re considering doing and acknowledges it in that way is what we need. So I’m here to tell you I see you, I feel your pain, I’ve known your pain, and I know what I did and what you have to do. Our circumstances are a bit different, but the resulting pain is almost exactly the same. It’s time to do something crazy so you can live. It will be an extremely difficult thing to do, but trust me, the veil will be lifted and you will wonder why you didn’t do it sooner. You need to sacrifice that side of you who says you need to sacrifice. Release yourself from all of that. Give yourself that gift. The new you is waiting to step out into the world without the shackles of all that baggage. It will take time to shed it all, but I’m telling you, with every chain you cut, the lighter you will feel. You need to meet yourself, know who you really are, not how this abusive family has defined you. They are all pawns in someone’s game - I don’t know who in your family is the one moving all the pieces around, but you do. It’s time to stop being a pawn. You know it’s a game and you’d rather die than continue playing. So leave this game. Be “selfish”, and see what happens. It will be a long road ahead, I won’t lie, but with every step you take, you will feel the years lift off of you. All my very best and love to you.
Does anyone else just not want people to see them? At this point in my life I would just rather keep to myself. Granted I am married with children so I’m not lonely but it’s just not worth it to me.
I think you answered your own question. If you have what you desire in human relationships, why would you still be searching out there? Those who are still wishing to be seen are still searching for a deep connection with someone.
@@YourNeverSleepingBeauty Ah, that makes sense. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t mind having a female friend or two but It’s really hard to find people I connect with so I just don’t 😂
So much said in so few words! "A lot" ... "college" ... "realized" ... 😄 For me? Always hopeful. Appreciating what I have and looking ahead for what's to come. It's been a very challenging year, but if there's one thing I've learned, an easy life would never get me anywhere. So I just look for the lessons in each valley. You said you've realized lots of things about yourself, so I'm assuming it was a productive year. I'd love to know what you're studying, if you don't mind answering.
@@YourNeverSleepingBeauty Well, I'm studying medicine... It's been a productive year, but challenging too... I... umm... kinda realized I'm trans... I have been on HRT for about 3 months now and I can't even tell you how amazing it feels... It's an experience which is so different... Like... I saw your video of the INFJ male and female convo... and for me, The way my life has been more relatable to him, but my emotions and the way I think. I could relate with you on that... So yea... Idk if you're supportive or not of trans ppl, So I'm kind of scared to post it... I do hope you are... but even if you aren't, plz umm... do reply atleast...
Medicine? Oh please please PLEASE become a holistic doctor! The kind that sees and treats the whole person. These kinds of people are sorely needed in our world. I’m not sure if you are studying to become a doctor or not, but someone with your intuition could be quite an asset to this field. I did smile at your comment about the conversation with my loved one. That’s just INFJ, don’t you think? I relate to both sides at times, the feminine and the masculine, depending on what’s happening at the time. I feel very masculine in my thinking. In fact, one of my sisters has told me time and time again that I’m “logical just like Dad” (who was an ENTJ). My whole family sees me as this very strong, take charge, kind of thinking type. But I’m “soft and squishy” in other ways, very feminine as well. I truly believe we live between the thinking and feeling worlds, and then add to the equation the whole not-being-able-to-figure-ourselves-out and well … it’s a strange place to be, and makes it very difficult to fit in. That’s why I’m so grateful to be able to provide this space here for people like us, so we can listen and reflect and consider and even write to help us grow and understand. It’s why I enjoyed reading your comments so much last year, as you were discovering all these things about yourself, and why I still enjoy reading them. It’s why I hope you keep looking, because I know there is still much to learn. I know it in my own life. I’m still on the road of discovery. It’s not as torturous anymore; in fact, it’s kind of fun. So to sum it all up, I support you. I want you to be the beautiful person you were meant to be. All my love to you 🧡
I think infjs have something that others don't. We're able to see into the things unseen. Our mind evaluates things faster than most people can imagine. But the reason why most infjs are lost and struggling to find their path in life is because of the missing connection to God our father and his son, the saviour, jesus christ. We are indeed more powerful than the standard of the world. But we tend to get absorbed by this, struggling to find our place and relate to others. This creates a barrier where we isolate, feeling misunderstood indeed judging others. In our spite it becomes all about ourselves and acquiring power and knowledge, because we are very capable of doing so. The way of the world is exactly that. But it doesn't lead to true happiness, that self importance that is. The way of the spirit and of jesus is downwards. Casting aside our own desires in order to be lowly, and comforted but God. This way we can approach others, and truly help them. This way we can move things in the world and accomplish this something that we ought to do. That we have felt our whole lives long. Build a connection with God, talk to him and cast your burdens on him. Nothing is more fulfilling than this. Cast your mistakes on him, he will comfort you. Repent and turn to the way jesus has shown, because he taught us the ways of what it means to be truly good. The kingdom of heaven is at the doors.
Is she an ISFJ or ESFJ? It is a good pairing? That is Nunyour Biz 😆 Feel free to groan, I am. I just like the cleverness of your name. Anyway, good spot. Yes, she is indeed an ISFJ. It's difficult. I feel like it could work if there were enough similar interests or more of an intellectual similarity but ... maybe it would never be enough.
@@YourNeverSleepingBeauty Yes it could be ok at times but not fulfilling. You share the same polr function “te” so you may tend to avoid some of the same things. However she can’t provide what you seek “se” to any level of satisfaction and you don’t really provide much of what she seeks “ne”. The mode of communication style ni/fe vs. si/fe is not very compatible. One of you is cataloguing events while the other is peeling back the layers of reality. Tough to form a meaningful relationship in my opinion but I suppose not impossible with enough desire.
The hardest thing for me as an INFJ is feeling constantly behind in who I want to become. It's not for lack of effort though, it's more a case of struggling to find the right road that gets me to where I want to be. Often times the road I'm on is long and slow and results take far too long to make themselves evident. Other times I'm trying new things that don't work out and it's back to square one. All of this really takes it toll. It's exhausting trying to be who you want to be, yet failing.
This makes me not want to be seen by others because I feel like what they see will not be a true representation of who I want to be.
To them perhaps the lack of results may come across as laziness.
The idealistic mind of an INFJ is a blessing and a curse at times.
Think about this....what if? The future or the past does not exist. If u think about it, the past has become memories in your head and the future never comes, why? Because tomorrow is always today. If tomorrow reaches, we will say Today. And if today ends, we will say yesterday. It's like everything happens in the now, only now. Now, I know u have dreams of someone u want to become. What if u already are the person u want to become? And u are just in denial like I am now. Scared of having fun releasing the darkness( which is also u) within you. I don't think u will ever be that something u are seeing in your( because it does not exist). If it existed you would have already arrived there, but every time u think, " I have arrived." There is nothing there. I think....u should maybe start focusing on what u really are, IN THE NOW.
Jason, your vulnerability here is always so beautiful to me. I don't want to give you advice - I know by the way you write you are perfectly capable of working it out for yourself. You know it too, which is why you always write these deeply introspective comments here, because you're looking to find something in it. And you will.
@@YourNeverSleepingBeauty God! You always convey your replies so....perfectly!!!
It takes a high level of maturity and self awareness and acceptance too in order to have enough of self confidence to let others to see us as we are,but as an INFJ I see the relationship in general as investment in humans with my time, money and energy and I prefer to put it into the right person with mutual benefits each time we get in touch, if not, I will classify it as a dangerous or risky relationship (to terminate as fast as possible) or I will classify it as a simple acquaintance who might need help in the future that I could benefit from by just the fact of seeing that he/she is doing way better after I helped.
This is a perfect summary. I am very glad you wrote it.
I think too, that we fear someone actually seeing us just because we’re not used to it. It’s so rare. And we’re nervous about how they’ll respond to our true selves. For me, my inner most self is kind of raw, fragile, and so precious to me. It’s easy to wound it if it’s not respected. My experience of people seeing ME has often not been good. I’m teased for having “big” emotions, either positive or negative ones. Even when the response isn’t outright negation of how much I feel, and show I feel, it’s most often met with surprise and confusion, not understanding or as something normal or expected. This can compute to me as disapproval, that what I feel or express is inappropriate or wrong. Since I respect other people’s emotions (whether I agree with it or not is immaterial), their response to my feelings has a lot of impact. So, when someone does see me, I have a tendency to brace for a negative reception. It’s understandable that this happens, but I don’t think it’s a good thing. And I’m working hard to find a way around or through to the place where I can accept that my seeing and feeling things differently from most doesn’t necessarily make it wrong, it may even be a better perspective in its way.
Because I’m basically expecting a negative response I often sound defensive or confrontational from the start, making statements about my thoughts in a way that almost challenges others to dare declare a different opinion. It’s not fair, and with friends especially, shouldn’t be necessary. It certainly doesn’t open the way to a calm exchange of ideas, which is really what I want.
Since it’s such a deep seated fear of my opinions and feelings being dismissed or over ruled, it’s been very difficult to overcome the defensive tones when I do express my real self. And being aware and trying to change my tone makes me sound flat or clipped and can make it come across even worse, lol. So it’ll still be awhile before I can do that effortlessly for sure.
I hope that once I can, I’ll see more positive responses from people, and even if they don’t agree or “accept” my opinion, they will be more apt to respect it, and I’ll get more used to people seeing the real me because I’ll finally feel safe to reveal it more often. But yup, it’s definitely hard, and very bumpy learning curve!
I enjoyed reading this and seeing how you've self-reflected, and still continue to do so. Good for you.
Yes! You're definitely right, being seen can be scary, but we will always long for it. I think the key to success for any INFJ is to realize that we will always be misunderstood by most people and that it's okay.
It *is* okay! Happy you have discovered this ... it makes for easier going in life, definitely less angst.
Being seen & loved can be terrifying . I longed for that my entire life but when it really happened I ran into the opposite direction. I can really relate to what you talked about in your video , Thank you.
Being seen is like being at the mouth of a black hole. You know you'll fall in, and you have no idea what's there, but you can't help standing too close to the edge 😆
This is so relatable I give people little clues all the time it's disappointing when they don't see them but then it's also very scary when someone see you, what you crave the most is the most terrifying. I'm loving your other channel too it's fun to watch you and your husband type people!
Being disappointed in relationships has been the norm for me since adolescence. I am more aware than ever of how easily such a
statement can be construed as narcissistic, egotistic, etc. But it doesn't feel at all like that for me. I am very different from almost
all the people I've known...Whether or not that means "better" rarely even comes to mind. I've learned to use a "one way shield" in
most interactions. As much as I savor my alone time, it can get truly tough to deal with...When I'm among strangers, and
acquaintances, my empathy is always "turned on", and I'm often willing to lend a helping hand without mindfulness of the virtue or
personal benefit...It gives me great joy to be helpful and kind to others.
But the general intuitive feedback I'm getting more and more is agenda driven, fearful and just surface oriented drivel...Truly exhausting.
So, all this to say that , as much as this MBTI stuff has helped me understand many of my quirks, strengths and weaknesses, it
hasn't made me more approachable, or more willing to accept betrayals and hurtful behaviors.
I don't think your declaration is any of those things (narcissistic, egotistic, etc.). I think it's just a truth you have known about yourself. I'm sure many of us here have known it to be true in our own lives. Why was I willing to give this person a try (the one I mentioned in my video)? Because obviously, I am still searching for someone to fill in some gaps. I realize the chances of my pursuits will mostly fail, but some have not and some have turned out in the most amazing way. Because of this, I still live in hope.
Hello! You took the words right out of my mouth.
Thank you! 🌷🙏🌻🥰
I've been listening to some of your videos recently and found them such a soothing source in terms of content, reasoning and your beautiful voice. When you took the time to really respond to a comment I made last night which was essentially a cry for help, where in your genius INFJ way you managed to tune into exactly what was important and effectively and precisely address every aspect of what I was saying, to create a sacred space between us and anyone else who connected with it to hold me and make me feel safe and understood on every level. This reminded me of the unique skills we have as INFJs in cutting straight to the core of what really matters, seeing past the surface or appearance of a situation to really comprehend the reality of what's really going on. You reminded me of how easily it comes where it's almost our default state, we can see and feel how others are really feeling beyond the facades and if there's anything we can do to assist or help, we jump right in but seem to know exactly what is needed in terms of approach, sensitivity and nuances. We don't do it out of any sense of being a hero or saviour or getting accolades, it comes from a place deep within that's pure of heart and intent where we can't bear to see suffering if there's anything we can do in a respectful and non intrusive way. That's exactly what you did in your thoughtful response to my comment and it had a dual aspect of supporting me in a powerful way, but also reinforcing my sense of the gift we have as INFJs and it can't be for nothing? I've just read through some of the comments on this video alone and your responses, I'd do anything for the opportunity to find people like you, us and just be in the presence of such insightful and special people. I don't mean this out of any place of elitism or arrogance, just from a place of appreciation that we are not alone and to enjoy the feeling of being in the same space as some beings with the same capacity for the love that I feel when I see the insights and sharings here. It's a lovely little channel and space you have created here and it seems that the people who find themselves here are meant to be here. Thank you for creating this space and thank you to everyone here for sharing and allowing for the level of connection that's so hard to find. I also love that you take the time to reflect on comments and reply in a thoughtful way, building connections that feel personal. It's really impressive and inspiring to me that this space exists, and the people who find themselves here exist also. Even if we don't know each other or ever meet, it compensates for any perceived lack of such quality connections in real life. Sending lots of love and gratitude to anyone who reads this 🥰
"It can't be for nothing" ... these were my literal words five years ago after my parents died. Meaning is so very important for us, even the meaning of our own existence. No, it's not for nothing you are the way you are. I know you have some rough road ahead, but at the same time, I am truly excited for you. I mean this truly, but after the dust settles sometime in the future, I would love for you to stop by here again and just let me know you made it, and what freedom feels like.
Thank you for your kindness and lovely encouragement to me. I am only human, and when I'm seen in such a way as you've seen me here, it helps me to keep going as well.
Thanks for this video. It’s exactly as I feel. It’s this war of desiring to be noticed & left alone raging at the same time.
Finally! 😭 I am soooooo happy to have you back...
Thank you ☺️
There's seems to be those few people that can care about you and like to share some deeper observations of themselves and you, even the darker scarier parts, but it all comes about in such an easy and non-threatening, non-offensive manner, that it has a flow to it. Often, these interactions have a lightness and humor, and it emboldens the conversations to take steps into areas that would have been impossible to have with others. I've sometimes found this with fringe people, those that have suffered in some way that stripped their egos and left them less protective of appearances vs. reality.
I agree completely. I have so many such experiences to prove your point.
I think that the dynamic between you two was an interesting and funny insight for me . She wanted to connect on the light-hearted side of things discussing day-to-day things and maybe doing some activities that aren't serious and don't really mean anything(going for coffee just for coffee or walking just to walk ) but we want to do these things to spark deeper meaning and explore life and ourselves on a deeper spiritual level(almost all the time... doesn't matter what it is . convo on the phone, speaking about interests, going for a meal) our minds always wonder to the ethereal.
The thing is... I noticed that she gave you the same energy that you gave her in the beginning when things were just light-hearted. you weren't interested and gave off a half-hearted energy because those things genuinely didn't matter to you. similarly, when she indulged in the more ethereal topics it seemed as if she was bland for whatever reason. for me, this is an amazing insight that may help me cultivate more connections and or friends because I couldn't piece this together on my own for some reason.
I just thought that maybe we weren't compatible as people and that I gave it my all but in reality that's not the case. taking a step I see that I may brush off people's way of doing things or the way people go about life in favor of my own because I slightly indulge in the more light-hearted things for their sake. In reality, I'm constantly only thinking about what I want and that's a bit selfish so when things don't seem to go the way I expected I tend to see the connection as something that won't work and I don't put in the effort.
Question: did I really truly indulge in their side of things or did I do it to try and selfishly get what I want out of the interaction? not sure if I'm capable of stepping outside of my box like I'm requiring others to do.
I applauded this comment. It was a true privilege for me to see you reason it all around.
I can relate so much. Getting older has changed my perspective for sure. I always wanted to find someone who could see the real me inside and never did. I know it has been just as much me as the others in my life. When others don’t take the bait I lose interest and it sounds harsh. I’ve never known anyone that has allowed me to fully open my inner workings to. Been married 28 years and sometimes I feel like she really doesn’t know me. I try to get into the deeper aspects and it’s like I’m talking to myself. I guess not ever having real friendships and feeling like I didn’t fit in, has changed how I feel about being seen. Thanks for your perspective.
I always thought I'd love to fully open those inner workings to someone else. I longed for it, but ever since I've really started to get to know me, I love that she and I have some secrets together. The irony, right?
A breath of fresh air.
Thanks 😊 That close-up of a monarch's wing is lovely. A reminder to look closer to see something new.
This resonates so much! It’s something I’ve experienced in my relationships. As the famous book goes I’ve had a hard time “winning friends and influencing people” which reminds me of your older video about if INFJs love people. I think because of our inability to not be well mirrored by people in our lives it makes us disinterested in people on a personal level. But it kills me that people aren’t attracted to me as a person bc of lacking the qualities of being sweet, kind, loving. As you know being sensitive means you get hurt even more and was wondering if you had thoughts on this 😅
Hello 😊 I would say I am disinterested in many people on a personal level, but very interested in a few. These people are my loved ones, my inner circle, the ones I can show myself to and trust wholeheartedly. It's not so much that they mirror me as much as I choose to be vulnerable with them, in such a way that I can accept their love, support and feedback.
Are you saying people aren't attracted to you in general?
@@YourNeverSleepingBeauty I agree and because INFJs are mirrors (no pun intended I think 😆) we end up becoming like the people we allow ourselves to be connect with that’s why we chose people we wouldn’t mind becoming like if you know what I mean. So that explains why we’re disinterested in many people but I would also say that peopling requires me to be “on” like I don’t just wake up out of bed excited to answer the door for maintenance whereas some people light up whenever they see another human period. So not being people oriented is where I think not being attractive to other people comes in because I heard somewhere that people like people who like them - so with INFJs we (or I’ll speak for myself) have to stir my affections for people because I’m not naturally a people person which makes them more attracted to me as opposed to when I don’t do that. Otherwise I’m pretty cold, dry, to myself 🤷🏾♀️ which is not the recipe to be likable and make friends but it is my nature. A good test for attractiveness is how many people come up to you when you’re minding your business in public… 😆
Yeah, being seen for who we are is hard. We are both introverts and a bit secretive. Some people in my life have noticed things about me, but mostly negative stuff. Even when they observe the good stuff, it's a bit awkward.
As of now, I'm more than happy to stay invisible. Haven't found anyone even remotely willing to "take the bait". Also, stopped putting bait out there all together and just said up front what I expect, what to expect and that I see/accept the other person as who they are and offer to work on our short comings together. Just cutting to the chase chases people off and it's great! I don't feel beholden to any sort of accountability that way.
Hello to you. How does this work when meeting someone new? Surely there has to be some kind of "feeling out" period before you lay it all on the line. But I guess if your goal is to be alone and chase people away, your way is the way to do it. I want to say to you that I'm sorry no one has taken the bait, because I think intimate relationships are the most wonderful things in the world and you deserve to have one, but if you are happy, then you are happy.
@@YourNeverSleepingBeauty Hello to you as well! Hopefully, the explanation I give doesn't come across as coming from a place of self pity because it certainly isn't. I really do try to look at things as objectively and logically as I can. Intimate relationships probably are the most wonderful thing, but unfortunately I don't know what that's like. It was something I've desired all my life but suppose I've never understood. I've given others full attention, compassion and understanding just to be met with criticism for what I am. Because of this, I really had to look at what I was and it was not pleasant in the least. There was much research into confirming/ruling out possible psychological disorders, going to a psychiatrist to obtain a proper diagnosis, as well as therapy to address possible unhealthy tendencies which may contribute to this social disconnect.
I liken my situation to an analogy of two people standing outside in the snow. One person has appropriate attire and the other is wearing only underwear. Hypothetically, neither is able to see what the other is wearing. The one in underwear struggles to function in an environment that feels much more intense than to the one whose dressed. As they converse with each other, frustrations arise from both sides. The clothed person says to the unclothed: "look, I'm cold too. Why can't you just do (example)?" as the unclothed responds "I understand what you are saying, but it's very difficult because (example)."
As an infj with moderate inattentive adhd as well scoring high on the hsp scale, it's really difficult to not get met with "why can't you just.." or "why are you so sensitive about..." from almost everyone I attempt to let in. And I absolutely get their sentiment because even though I've finally accepted it, I don't like that I've been this way all my life either. I'm still open to having a genuine intimate relationship but at the same time I don't feel the need to waste any ones time (mine included) by being gentle about my genetic makeup. I suppose if there is a feeling out period, it would be if they were to express interest in being closer. If that were to happen, that's when I let them know what to expect. It may be a form of self preservation or just acceptance of reality as I understand it. Either way, it's easier on everyone in the long run and who knows, perhaps another person wearing underwear or at least a t-shirt and socks will understand what this form of directness is indicative of. I hope this makes sense and I GREATLY appreciate your responses. I could be wrong in interpreting it this way, but your responses are like kind gentle challenges designed to make one look inward and really evaluate the things they've said and why.
Loved listening to this. Another great video!
My problems is that in a few conversations you can already tell they don't do """"""deep"""""" stuff. ANYthing is deep to so many people🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
INFJs listen to others and are loved for this.
Yet the relationship is one sided, as hardly anyone ever listens to the INFJ.
Is that because others do not listen?
Or, is it because the INFJ does not speak?
I come across an INFJ, roughly every 7 years.
I know 5 of them. They all listen, but only one of them, has the courage to share their inner world with me.
The INFJ who is seen; need to take a leap of faith, have courage and have the ability to trust. To know that they deserve to be seen and be loved too.
Thank you.
This has gone horribly wrong for me. I've been tentatively opening up little gaps in conversations to try and drop something in that might allow for me to share something personal or important, when the opportunity and context feels appropriate. It's been with close family members who I don't see very often but have changed a lot in the time since last visit. It's baffling how badly it blew up in my face, to the extent I was accused of being narcissistic, self absorbed and shut down completely just for trying to share this aspect of my personality that explains a lot of other areas of difficulty that they are always reminding me about. The dynamics are so messed up as they consider me to be the family scapegoat, I'm the one with all the problems when I'm the only one who actually expresses my feelings and has spent years in therapy trying to heal. Anything that reminds them of their own wounds is met with derision and they will turn everything back on me. It's heartbreaking as I love them but have to consider I may have to cut them off completely as they are totally unwilling to support me or even try to listen to me the rare times I speak. Instead I get interrupted, told I'm too long winded and never get to the point and am not worth taking a few minutes just to hear me speak. After several suicide attempts they know I'm hanging on by a thread but I know if I do manage it someday, they will wring their hands in disbelief about how they couldn't believe it and they had no idea when it's so obvious. We can only survive without any meaningful connections for so long. If the people who claim to love us can't even listen for 5 minutes without shutting us down when we get the courage to open up, and do so in such a dismissive way where we wonder what's the point in speaking at all, what's the point in living when we have so much in our heads and hearts but no one cares or gives us a chance to express ourselves. I'm not sure how much longer I have in me to keep going in this world and I'm so exhausted trying to be seen, heard and understood. I make so many sacrifices just to live so others don't have to deal with the pain of my passing but I don't want to be here. They don't seem to think I'm worth the effort to try and understand at all so one day I'll give up. Think I'm there already.
@@nedthestaffieegan3452 @Ned.
Sounds tough.
Is there anyone you can trust, that is not your family?
Unfortunately there are some people who 100% cannot be trusted and they need to be avoided.
The empathy and kindness of an INFJ is one of the greatest gifts in this world, choose wisely who you give it too.
Most people make minor mistakes, but if they're 99% trust worthy consider whether it's worth opening up.
There are people out there looking for you; but they will never find you, if you trust no one and avoid everyone.
It's hard, but previous trust violations in the past, does not define your future.
Everyone deserves their place in this world and to be loved, be seen and respected.
Are you able to get mental health support?
Or support from friends that love you?
@@nedthestaffieegan3452 “If the people who claim to love us …”
My dear one, you already know the answer. You already know what you have to do and this is what gives you grief. You have to be “selfish” and the thought of this is horrifying, so much that you would rather die than to have to act in this way. But I want you to know I’ve read all your words and I’m here to tell you that your thoughts are exactly right - that you must put yourself first and shut the door on the lot of them. Sometimes, for us, knowing someone else sees what we’re considering doing and acknowledges it in that way is what we need. So I’m here to tell you I see you, I feel your pain, I’ve known your pain, and I know what I did and what you have to do. Our circumstances are a bit different, but the resulting pain is almost exactly the same. It’s time to do something crazy so you can live. It will be an extremely difficult thing to do, but trust me, the veil will be lifted and you will wonder why you didn’t do it sooner. You need to sacrifice that side of you who says you need to sacrifice. Release yourself from all of that. Give yourself that gift. The new you is waiting to step out into the world without the shackles of all that baggage. It will take time to shed it all, but I’m telling you, with every chain you cut, the lighter you will feel. You need to meet yourself, know who you really are, not how this abusive family has defined you. They are all pawns in someone’s game - I don’t know who in your family is the one moving all the pieces around, but you do. It’s time to stop being a pawn. You know it’s a game and you’d rather die than continue playing. So leave this game. Be “selfish”, and see what happens. It will be a long road ahead, I won’t lie, but with every step you take, you will feel the years lift off of you. All my very best and love to you.
@@mamu7976 Thank you very much for your kindness 🧡
Does anyone else just not want people to see them? At this point in my life I would just rather keep to myself. Granted I am married with children so I’m not lonely but it’s just not worth it to me.
I think you answered your own question. If you have what you desire in human relationships, why would you still be searching out there? Those who are still wishing to be seen are still searching for a deep connection with someone.
@@YourNeverSleepingBeauty Ah, that makes sense. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t mind having a female friend or two but It’s really hard to find people I connect with so I just don’t 😂
turn your volume up please!
Hiii!
Remember me?
But of course! How have you been?
@@YourNeverSleepingBeauty Well, I've been good... A lot has happened... I joined college, realized lots of things about myself... What about u?
So much said in so few words! "A lot" ... "college" ... "realized" ... 😄 For me? Always hopeful. Appreciating what I have and looking ahead for what's to come. It's been a very challenging year, but if there's one thing I've learned, an easy life would never get me anywhere. So I just look for the lessons in each valley. You said you've realized lots of things about yourself, so I'm assuming it was a productive year. I'd love to know what you're studying, if you don't mind answering.
@@YourNeverSleepingBeauty Well, I'm studying medicine... It's been a productive year, but challenging too... I... umm... kinda realized I'm trans... I have been on HRT for about 3 months now and I can't even tell you how amazing it feels... It's an experience which is so different... Like... I saw your video of the INFJ male and female convo... and for me, The way my life has been more relatable to him, but my emotions and the way I think. I could relate with you on that... So yea... Idk if you're supportive or not of trans ppl, So I'm kind of scared to post it... I do hope you are... but even if you aren't, plz umm... do reply atleast...
Medicine? Oh please please PLEASE become a holistic doctor! The kind that sees and treats the whole person. These kinds of people are sorely needed in our world. I’m not sure if you are studying to become a doctor or not, but someone with your intuition could be quite an asset to this field.
I did smile at your comment about the conversation with my loved one. That’s just INFJ, don’t you think? I relate to both sides at times, the feminine and the masculine, depending on what’s happening at the time. I feel very masculine in my thinking. In fact, one of my sisters has told me time and time again that I’m “logical just like Dad” (who was an ENTJ). My whole family sees me as this very strong, take charge, kind of thinking type. But I’m “soft and squishy” in other ways, very feminine as well. I truly believe we live between the thinking and feeling worlds, and then add to the equation the whole not-being-able-to-figure-ourselves-out and well … it’s a strange place to be, and makes it very difficult to fit in. That’s why I’m so grateful to be able to provide this space here for people like us, so we can listen and reflect and consider and even write to help us grow and understand. It’s why I enjoyed reading your comments so much last year, as you were discovering all these things about yourself, and why I still enjoy reading them. It’s why I hope you keep looking, because I know there is still much to learn. I know it in my own life. I’m still on the road of discovery. It’s not as torturous anymore; in fact, it’s kind of fun. So to sum it all up, I support you. I want you to be the beautiful person you were meant to be. All my love to you 🧡
I think infjs have something that others don't. We're able to see into the things unseen. Our mind evaluates things faster than most people can imagine.
But the reason why most infjs are lost and struggling to find their path in life is because of the missing connection to God our father and his son, the saviour, jesus christ.
We are indeed more powerful than the standard of the world. But we tend to get absorbed by this, struggling to find our place and relate to others.
This creates a barrier where we isolate, feeling misunderstood indeed judging others.
In our spite it becomes all about ourselves and acquiring power and knowledge, because we are very capable of doing so. The way of the world is exactly that. But it doesn't lead to true happiness, that self importance that is.
The way of the spirit and of jesus is downwards. Casting aside our own desires in order to be lowly, and comforted but God.
This way we can approach others, and truly help them. This way we can move things in the world and accomplish this something that we ought to do. That we have felt our whole lives long.
Build a connection with God, talk to him and cast your burdens on him. Nothing is more fulfilling than this.
Cast your mistakes on him, he will comfort you.
Repent and turn to the way jesus has shown, because he taught us the ways of what it means to be truly good.
The kingdom of heaven is at the doors.
Thank you for sharing your faith.
@@YourNeverSleepingBeauty Thank you for your kind reply and for reading it.
Sounds like she is an isfj or esfj.
Not a good pairing for an infj in my opinion.
Maybe you are new, she’s definitely an INFJ.
@@koylejeune4332
Talking about the friend not the narrator
Is she an ISFJ or ESFJ? It is a good pairing? That is Nunyour Biz 😆 Feel free to groan, I am. I just like the cleverness of your name. Anyway, good spot. Yes, she is indeed an ISFJ. It's difficult. I feel like it could work if there were enough similar interests or more of an intellectual similarity but ... maybe it would never be enough.
@@YourNeverSleepingBeauty
Yes it could be ok at times but not fulfilling. You share the same polr function “te” so you may tend to avoid some of the same things. However she can’t provide what you seek “se” to any level of satisfaction and you don’t really provide much of what she seeks “ne”. The mode of communication style ni/fe vs. si/fe is not very compatible. One of you is cataloguing events while the other is peeling back the layers of reality. Tough to form a meaningful relationship in my opinion but I suppose not impossible with enough desire.
@@nunyourbiz6091 my mistake then, thought you were referring to the narrator.