How To Avoid Awkward Silences In Dating...From Matthew Hussey & Get The Guy
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 11 ม.ค. 2014
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I had an incredible time in both Toronto and Winnipeg. However, travelling around and meeting lots of new people outside of these events led me to coming up with the topic of today's video...
In travelling, you end up meeting a lot of new people whom you want to have interesting things to talk about with.
I often come across people who struggle with this.
Whenever I think about people who have a hard time getting a conversation going, I think of how they sensor themselves too much; not allowing themselves to say the thing that's on their mind.
I like to make the comparison with writers and the common problem 'writer's block'. Whenever someone experiences this, it's because the standard for what they want to write is too high.
If it can never be good enough for you, you end up not writing anything.
And how do you get through this to go on to become a better writer? You write more.
Stephen King said "write for the waste paper basket".
In writing for the trash can you have nothing to worry about, and no expectation to live up to.
I think people have to approach conversation the same way.
If your problem is awkward silences or not being able to keep a conversation going, you have to lower your standards for what comes out of your mouth.
Be prepared to say things other people might think are ridiculous or boring, because as you talk more, you get feedback and learn what's interesting.
Christopher Hitchens said "self publish, even in conversation". I love this idea, as with every sentence you're publishing another thought.
Most people spend their lives self-editing, not self-publishing - which leads to not awkward silences as they've edited before they've created anything.
I know there will be many conversational situations where you feel you don't have anything to contribute. Of course the cure for that is to ask questions and to be curious.
People who are intensely curious about life never struggle for conversation.
If you are genuinely interested in something, people will be interested in answering as they will feel your curiosity.
So lower your standard for what you have to say, self-publish liberally, and in the absence of knowing about a subject, ask about it.
***
Announcement:
My dear brother Stephen, who happens to be an extraordinary writer, has agreed to start writing some articles for this site.
I'm over the moon about it. He co-wrote the Get The Guy book with me, and I've been begging him to do this for years. I feel privileged he's going to contribute to the site, and I know you're going to fall in love with him.
The first article is going to be live on Wednesday. I hope you're excited!
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Website: howtogettheguy.com
Facebook: / coachmatthewhussey
Twitter: / matthewhussey
Subscribe: / gettheguyteam - บันเทิง
I want to stop the awkward silence by asking questions but i don't want to feel like an interview
Same here
just don't ask for facts, ask for feelings, questions sound like an interview when you say something like what is your favourite movie? ask them WHY is that their favourite movie to make it more interesting to answer, try it on yourself what is your favourite movie can probably be answered by most people in seconds, ask yourself why it is and you have to think and feel and you are making the person connect with themselves much deeper and longer for 5 seconds which creates interest and as a bonus you actually learn something real about that person as well as having engaged them better.
You can't carry the entire day with just one trick. It only works in conjunction
@@eKko0 And I can't talk about my feelings coz I am afraid of vulnerability, to show my true weird imperfect self
@@alcyone7046 everyone is weird and imperfect don't worry about it!
Hearing Matthew talk about writer's block and keeping a conversation actually helped me realize that I DO have impossibly high standards for my speech/writings and it DOES make me the quiet one, which can turn into the awkward one really fast....
This is my #1 problem in dating, or any social situation for that matter. I'm guilty for telling myself that I'm not interesting, my thoughts are too random for others to understand, etc. Sometimes my fear of experiencing awkward silences is so severe, I won't go on a date at all, or I'll cancel. #TheStruggle
Idk why, but you remind me of Daniel Radcliffe. Especially the eyes + eyebrows and the accent :P
+Tessigirl00 I thought the same thing! haha
Tessigirl00 yeah! His mannerisms too
did someone call me
Daniel lol
Endless Eternity waaaaayyy cuter than Daniel Radcliff
I like the way that Matt delivers the topic..etc... always clear and open. I believe he is doing a good job of not putting any of his personal baggage... into it. And always giving it over to the audience to think about and make your own decisions...etc... excellent! It really isnt so easy to keep the peace.. lol :)
I know this is an old video and you probably won't read this comment, but your advice is always so spot on. You articulate yourself so clearly and concisely and put words to things that I've often felt, but didn't have words for. Thank you.
You present your insight in a very simple, direct & very informative way which is why I sincerely appreciate you, Matthew. I am sure that I not only speak for myself when I state that I have come across many great lessons from you. Thank you so very much. Love the discussions brought to the table because it feels great to be attuned to the things that really matter. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I love awkward silence! I need to find someone who can be comfortable with me even during awkward moments
This is really insightful, the connection between writer's block and the ability to have opinions in conversation. I find this happens with me too: when I'm feeling more insecure, I tend to self-edit more, in both my writing and in my conversations. Great advice!
You are both adorable. And have taught me so much. My mantra for 2017. "meet him where he is." enough said. Thanks for being awesome fellas!
Matthew, you always get things so, so right. I don't comment on videos generally, but I needed to give you some praise. You're absolutely exceptional. So switched on and in touch. Love from Australia.
Anyone else just enjoy hearing his voice and accent...?
M. Szarzanowicz Watch the video called The Persuaders. It was by BBC. It showed that the accent has a powerful play on persuasion.
M. Szarzanowicz yes he's the real deal💛💛💛💛
DOUBLE LIKE!!!! put this into practice both as a writer and relationship enthusiast! LOVE LOVE LOVE!
His hair looks like a wave lol.
It does look like a wave haha
Mr. Hussey. You. Are. Awesome. You give THE BEST advice. Period. Not just the best advice given by a TH-camr but point plank period. This is LanieB. You acknowledged a past comment of mine in another one of your videos. You don't know how brilliant you are sir. Your words help me so much. God bless the lovely woman that gets to marry you one day. This isn't empty flattery. I truly mean that. *hugs*
This video could not have come at a better time! I'm travelling to Amsterdam soon...meeting up with some people for the first time and I'm always worried about keeping the conversation going...Thanks Matt!
Your ideas are always so helpful, thank you!
Your advice-videos are, as always, very helpful. You really understand what lies beneath behaviour. And, I like the way your advice is delivered in a nice and comforting way, and not as a critique, because a lot of the dating (and life) problems people have are rooted in negative emotions. Thank you :)
I do not know if it's your accent or the way you communicate your ideas but I really enjoy your videos very much. I feel like they all open my eyes to things that I may not have ever considered and really make me want to try all the suggestions to improve as a person.Thank you so much for sharing.
Very helpful video, was actually just struggling with this and couldn't figure out why. But now it makes sense. Loved your show in Toronto, couldn't stay for the full thing... Weather was horrible, but none the less the bit that I did was amazing! Can't wait for the next one!
This is actually a great tip during Job Interview, when they ask you "Do you have any questions for us?" Do this. Just don't make it too personal.
XD wow he just helped me get through my writers block for a story I've been writing for a few months lol!! This makes me want to start up dating again! I HATE awkward silence and the feeling like it's an interview ugh! but I never really thought of treating every date like practice. Thanks Matt! You're advice is gold!
Omg I swear you always make me smile with your inspiring words. Thank you, Matt, as always
THIS is how to get over shyness. Be awkward! Let yourself make some mistakes, fail, and have silences. Let yourself be rejected. Reframe it. You have to crawl before you can walk. Walk before you can run. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a padawan! If the person you are talking to thinks you are weird or nervous, that is fine too. You are a white belt, you still need to build that muscle memory. You need to get the basics.
Dancing? You are going to be two left feet at first. Skating? Probably going to bust your ass once or twice. Socializing with hotties? Probably will be super nervous and draw blanks. Painting? It isn't going to be a masterpiece the first, second, or even third time you try.
The point is, we all need practice. We all need to treat every small success as a step in the right direction while being at peace with our current levels of skill and experience.
Always can relate and learn so much in your videos. Thankyou
Can i find a matthew Hussey in my town ? seriously, i have been listenning to you for a week and i have made HUGE progress and saw how much i was wrong in my past relationships and how i can be a much better person and i have seen the results already and the potential is insane if things changed already that much in 2 weeks, i can't believe how 2 months will. I'm just so happy i found your channel !!! I'm a very anxious woman and lately, i have done new things in my life that i ever done and i can't believe how much i missed for the last 10 years... But i'm just so thankful for your content, i think you're a really genuine authentic person. I think every single human being should listen to what you say.
it's like everything you say is gold haha. I always look forward to your videos, they have helped me SO MUCH. thank you :)
God bless you and your brother for the amazing work you do its so educational in classy way
this changed my life
Thanks Matthew for the great advice. I struggle with this issue of awkward silences. I just don't know what to say most of the time. I'm constantly inside my own head thinking people are judging me somehow about everything; but that's a little off the topic. I just can't control those thoughts, I'm too hard on myself.
V. Vazquez
This guy is something else thank God 🙌🏾
Love your explanation, excellent advice.
i enjoy all your
videos!!! love them!!!!!!!
Being a writer I think I was most inspired by your analogy or writing for the trash, but you make an excellent point both about writing and conversing
This channel is amazing. And I've only watched 2 videos...
I relate to the situations in your videos SOOO well- in this one I was literally sitting there saying "Yes! Yes!~ OMG Yes!" :D
You are nothing short of amazing. Godly advice.
thats good advice! thank you! i love these videos!!!
This is so useful!! Thank you 😊
Thanks Matthew. I've been struggling a bit in this department, mostly because I felt self-conscious about speaking up or asking question. Now I know what to do!
Cate Cheong Don't be afraid to ask😂 when you have something in mind, just say it. I think that's what he's saying. 😌
P.S. I answered coz that's what I'm here too. Lol
I didn't know coming here would give me advice about my writers block. Thanks 😁
I so needed to hear this right now. :)
i always thought that I was being a mouth. Such a wonderful and real platform You just gave me! :) Hey Thanks.
So that's why I can't write, thanks Matt :) now I'll write for the trash can
thank you for helping me in your videos, it will be my first date and I did it know what to do because of your videos now I know,thank you
Hi, Matthew. I have been watching your videos for a while now. I do enjoy it a lot and sending you compliments for your great work! But I am commenting with an intention to ask you, if you are going to create more new videos or just another new subject for discussing all the relationships in general between people, communications, behaviours to each other, about aspects of life in general (not only how to get the guy). I would love to hear more from you! Thank you and all the best!
That blooper at the end was really cute :)
y'know the thing about silence is that it doesn't have to be awkward, and it's an incredibly powerful tool if you use it correctly. for instance one of the things you can do if your conversation is nearing the end of your canned talking points, introduce a moment of silence before you've run out of things to say, having something to say and not saying it, is extremely powerful and can sling shot not only the power dynamic in your favor, but also add a lot more life the conversation would have had otherwise. there is nothing wrong or unattractive with silence, but like everything social, it's more in how you view it.
this is really working!! so I was sitting on a bench with my classmate, we never talk properly. somehow he ask me which pictures do you like? FYI we're sitting in front of a bunch of random portraits. and I feel impressed bcos he tryna make the conversation works even tho it just a simple question. immediately we have a really nice debat on that pictures 😂
I like how he pronounced my last name Hussey.
This is useful. Thanks!!
sometimes I get so disappointed by the things I just said .. this is why I usually the quiet person ..thanks for the video
I take the same approach when I write. I've learned to start my writing with a stream of consciousness, writing down literally everything that comes to mind (even inner dialogs make their way in there and i just edit what doesn't work out). I essentially treat it like throwing spaghetti at a wall and seeing what sticks haha. When I take this approach, I writing is never better and sometimes I even surprise myself with what the end result turns out to be.
I have recently adopted this approach in conversation. It helps being friends with people who just say whatever is on their mind no matter what (one friend from work could easily get a slapped with a sexual harassment suit if we all didn't have the same sense of humor). My conservational techniques have evolved because of my interactions with these people.
Right now I'd much rather say or do something awkward than just sit in awkward silence.
Amo tu forma de pensar 👌🏻💕
Interesting idea. Im going to try this!!
Mathew, you are just AWESOME! Super smart!
Thank you :D
And I bet your brother is just as handsome, its genetics yo!
I love love love your book, so thank you both!
I think I needed to hear this
I love your Videos Matthew♡♡
Riddle me this Matthew... What if I feel that I am able to better express my ideas through writing, rather than my voice. It allows me time to process my thoughts, use my love for vocabulary, and take the pressure off of me as an introvert. With people that I am comfortable with, it normally not an issue. I’m not looking for a pen pal, but it makes it easier. Sometimes the answer comes to me when the person isn’t around, or the subject is irrelevant in the moment that it comes to me. Thank you for this video! It gives me the goal posts that I need to strengthen this weakness 😍! Yes, I do believe it will get better. Gotta start somewhere right 😉!?!
2:02 thank you for mentioning the great and sadly missed Christopher Hitchens! :)
Lol when he said Winnipeg I was like hey I live there, then he immediately went to it's to cold... typical! =P
Matthew, if Canada is so cold, try coming to warmer places like Brazil! You will love all the warm.
It was genius to make the comparison between writing and talking
i never had that "awkward-silences" problem when it came to dating men. but i am suffering from a serious case of writer'sblock right now. thank you for that steven king quote ;)
hahaha.. so true! for me it's easier to ask questions than writing an article.
v0larevia
it is! i am in the process of writing my second book right now and it's really hard not to go down the "what if nobody wants to read that?!" - road. it makes you question every single word. with my first i just wrote because otherwise i would have gotten insane. but now...
"It's because their standards for what they're writing is too high"
I, as a writer, can say that this isn't the case like 90% of the time. Most of the time, it's because the plot isn't exactly right and when you try to push through, you get stuck. You usually need to stop and change the plot in a way that makes it possible to continue. And that is nothing you could ever do in a conversation.
Every video I go to girls say how hot he is. I go to the comments to see what people think of his advice and thier experiences with it and its always there.
I guess there's not a single video of his I could go to that doesn't say that as if it weren't obvious enough. But thanks for the advice, Matt. ;)
One thing that I have learned in Toastmasters when participating in Table Topics, which is when the Master asks you to give an impromptu speech on a topic they chose for you, we are clear that if you do not feel like addressing that topic it's ok to bring up a topic that you would prefer to talk about. It's fine!!!
this is great :D
2hrs straight of watching your advice :) definitely fill my car up wiv women to come see you if you came to NEW ZEALAND!!
Thank you!
I never had this problem since I've never been on a date 🙂
Yay! You mentioned Winnipeg! We were glad to have ya!!
Thanks for coming to Canada... sorry about the cold. Not our fault. Vancouver is not so cold. Well.. not usually, but this winter it is. If we were having the Olympics this year, we wouldn't have to have snow trucked in from the interior! ...so come out to Vancouver... PLEASE!
holy shit this guy is bloody handsome.
He's cool. He gives great advice. But he often takes ages to get to the point ( the main topic of what any one of his videos is about ) because he goes off on a long tangent about something unrelated.
Matthew, I love your attitude about life, dating and meeting people. I will be in London November 2-5, 2017, I'm excited but nervous too. I know nothing about London but hope the people I meet are as charming as you seem to be. I'm not one for sitting at home, I go out, I workout, I'm a social person but I still don't have a lot of dating options out there, most men in my age range act or look like they gave up. Maybe you can find out where older women can meet their Prince Charming, I believe I paid my dues over the years...lol
Thanks LD
yup. this is me about writing..
I never thought of it this way, i'm just really afraid to make mistakes while i'm talking and ending up looking like a fool which results me to be very quiet, I hesitate to put out my opinions or thoughts. Then I'm keep worrying and being mad at myself for looking like a fool and boring because I don't try to say anything. If I keep on being this way,when will I ever learn? Thank you so much for this advice.. I will try to overcome this self conflict that I had for such a long time. It'll take times but i'll try :)
Wowo ! Thank you ❤
Not really about dating... That advice is actually useful in every aspect of life!
4:34 I know you're gonna fall in love with him, which is great.. uhm.. just don't forget about me in doing so.
x'D aww!!
I like your advice
Huge plus for quoting Christopher Hitchens, may he be remembered forever
The hitch ,absolute legend.
Matthew I can't wait to see you in April when you are on tour in Costa Mesa ;) It was the best Christmas gift I ever got. I can not wait to see you in person you have no idea! I will be so excited, I won't even process what you are saying! I truly admire your work, I love your book and everything you say. You are so darn cute Matthew. Welcome Steven Hussey ;)
well, finally i have described to myself why im saying not whats on my mind, but whats the person i talking to wants to hear, even if im sure that we thinking the same, so absurdly
great video
Hello from Canada 6 years later! Just wanted to let you know it's still cold here!!!😹😹
You are always in places with great weather.
Thank you
i need to try some of these things, because when im telling a story or something, i feel like im trying to get almost all the information out at once.
I've noticed I've had some silence in dating. but sometimes i like a short moment of silence.... is the not very helpful within dating...?
@Matthew Hussey Hi, your videos are awesome thnks. I need your help Matt. Well there is a guy that I Am very sure that he likes me ( I met him on french course, it finshed last week). So two days a go I sent him a friend request on fb and believe me it just took 2min. So we are friends on fb now. I didn't comment or liked anything on his fb yet and I want to start a conversation, so what are your advice?? what would be the best way to start one ( I mean on fb messages) would I look so miserable if I start a conversation?? and next week we have french tezt, so should I talk about the test or smth??
You give the best freakin advice.
Bro thank u
We Winnipegers are crazy ... especially when it gets down to -50C and we don't think twice about going outside!
I'm from a very creative and we don't stop talking.
Anyone know the answer to that Mona Lisa question? I'm genuinely curious now!
LOL you went to Winnipeg!? You should've gone to Vancouver or Calgary instead. Maybe you'll come to Edmonton one day and I'll come see you :D
Cool!
I am in high school and I really like a guy and we just met, but he constantly talks about his ex's, so I want to stand out my school dance so he will ask me to dance what do I do?