*Think you may have had a relationship with a narcissist?* Download the FREE checklist to see how your experience stacks up to the phases of narcissistic abuse: www.commonego.com/checklist
Thank you for this. What if the person doesn’t want to communicate and wants to get loud and over talk you. Or, speak with condescension and not care. And just in general, they do not acknowledge that they are wrong, nor apologize but just seek to move on from the matter and get upset and attempt to twist things around when you’re like, we haven’t resolved anything. They make it seem like it’s all you and in your head. Then they say “well since I don’t do enough or anything right why don’t you just…..”. And that as not what you were saying at all. You’re trying to communicate how you feel and get them to understand or want them to try at least. Any insight or input is extremely helpful.
THANK YOU CHRISTINA FOR YOUR INSIGHT OF INFORMATION AND ADVICE WHERE CH IN RETURN IS KNOWLEDGE THAT I WILL DO WITH ALL YOUR VIDEOS WHICH I I CAN APPLY IN MY DAY DAY LIFE THANK YOU SO MUCH FIREFIGHTER GREG 808 FYI IT STATES LETTER K I AM USING THAT IN MEMORY OF MY MOTHER
I JUST SUBSCRIBED TODAY I AM SO READY FOR THE NEXT STEP DOWNLOAD TH COMPLIMENTARY WORKBOOK DEALING WITH TOXIC PEOPLE WITH TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS CHECK LIST GOT IT I LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING YOU ON YOUR NEXT LIVE? LMK
Some different facets of calling you stupid that I have experienced; *When they insist on doing simple things for you that they know you know how to do *Googles everything you tell them *Constantly explaining very simple concepts to you
Phrases: 1. You’re just like (whoever) 2. You’re too sensitive, overreacting etc. 3. Any ultimatum 4. I can’t live without you 5. You’re stupid and variations 6 and 7. You always or you never phrases 8. Oh you remind me of whoever 9. If you loved me you would do this 10. If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you
All of my life with him he’s said “look it up” if I asked him about a thing. Turns out, he also didn’t know! But same message: if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you. Also, he actually told me once during an argument “you’re just like Donald trump”. He said that to provoke me because it was definitely a projection. He knew it would kiss me off. He is so petty. When I discovered his infidelity proof five years ago, he said to me after all hell broke loose and all of my soul fell out, “cause I can’t live without you” All of these are facts is what I’m sayin.
@Terry Cato sad but true buddy but the sad thing about it is the problem I'm having everything I point out she turns it around on me, I've heard you're sensitive,crazy, and if u ever notice I can send her a text about everything she's doing and she'll come back with the stupidest comments and fail to mention anything I asked her, so her way of try and supporting me was monetarily, making me dinner and making me lunch so I said I don't want money or lunches or dinners just you're genuine honesty and there's complete silence, so here's a good one... ask them if they can answer a question in 5 seconds let's play the 5 second rule, then tell them if they we're interrogated there ass would be in jail the first 5 minutes of the meeting
Relationships often fail because one person gives and gives while the other one takes and takes! Never allow it to be one-sided. 💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
Oooo the last one! My narc did that alot. The more I begged for him to tell me the more he got off on not telling me. Sometimes he didnt even have an answer and just used "if you dont know I am not gonna be the one to tell you" as a disguise for his lack of explanation even to himself.
This is happening all the time with my ex partner she constantly does not want to tell me things it's driving me crazy but I am almost used to it by now she is using it as a punishment to keep me in the dark the latest is she doesn't want to tell me when can I collect my kids on weekends..
Add, number 11,, "After everything I have done for you" BTW Christina, your video on narcissistic closure was beyond classic. I urge everyone to watch and leave far richer in the message.
This!!! My ex always said “Everything I do I do for the family!” What he did was pay his bills at his house, take care of his pets, clean his house, and buy himself things. Nothing he did was for the family. While I paid a bunch of his bills, his pets only ate half the time because I bought them food, and he ate using me and my sons food stamps. GTFOH with that noise!
I used phrase "After everything I have done for you" in my head myself, because I poured and poured into our relationship, for 5 years and he didn't care T-T Unless it is used to shut you up - this might not be toxic phrase on it's own.
I used to do the “you always” and “you never” one all the time. When I was called out on it, I initially didn’t understand the problem, because I thought it was obvious I was being hyperbolic. But being hyperbolic like that to exaggerate your point *does* cause harm. You’re choosing to ignore all of the instances of whatever you’re arguing about that don’t reinforce your side, and you’re also framing things in a black or white/all or nothing way, which is something that happens a lot with depression and anxiety if you kind of start to give in to the lies they tell you. If I catch myself starting to use one of those generalizations now, I stop and correct myself. That pause when I do also takes me out of the moment enough to give me some perspective and knock me out of saying something out of emotion. It’s super helpful at changing the course of an argument into more of a constructive conversation.
Silent treatment is an iffy one, you may be stuck to dependency on a toxic relationship and from previous experiences you may know full well that engaging with them to try to resolve the situation just gives them a gateway to your traumas and you may already be in a weak mental health. This can be dangerous because it can sap away at your energy to focus on becoming independent of them in order to leave them behind. The solution in this case, is to find ways to disparticipate with them as much as possible, at least until you can stabilise your mental health
During the discard, the ex narc actually used this "that's why I hate you, because you NEVER listen!" Actually, I was always forced to keep quiet in the relationship then. It seemed as if it was a form of projection bullying. Narcs really thrive on that.
I would just hear the definitive declaration “you don’t love me” whenever she didn’t get her way. It’s both a guilt trip and a double bind rolled into one!
I often heard Everyone knows or believes and No one else believes or thinks. Like when I would get punished for doing something or not doing something and would ask what did I do that was weird or wrong. And the response would be "It's obvious to everyone else what you did that was weird or wrong and the fact that you need me to tell you what you did that was weird or wrong just proves how sick and evil you are." My narc mother loved using this one it was her primary go to.
If you have to second guess yourself? It will get really bad. It wont end until the relationship end. So get out now and say nothing. I wasted 7 dumb years of my life doing nothing for myself but second guessing for 7 years
Toxic relationships extend to any type of regular knowing between two people . Watch out for these things and other red flags from any type of relationship. It can be much harder to detach from toxic relationships that cant be 'broken up' without changing a persons whole life, for instance regular customers or regular staff. Or sharing public space that everyone is entitled to
Wow! 5 & 6 my husband says to me everyday and I hear oh my God your head is so messed up you cannot keep up with a conversation. I hear all the time you never listen to me when I am always listening and never heard. Yes! Number 10 is so true, my husband loves doing that because then he can say I told u, u don't listen nor care about me! Thank you so much for this video!
I’m guessing that he just didn’t like you participating in the conversation 😂 or having your own personal thoughts that were different from his. Wow, a woman who can think for herself!
The phrases you never, we always, we can’t, are ones that he consistently uses and it just infuriates me. So definitely a Gaslighter. I told him you can’t say always and never because that is not the truth. But that’s some thing he uses a lot and it is the fuel for an argument because it’s accusatory.
i identify very much with the "you're like..." phrase, and that was told by my mother to me when i wanted to individuate and resist the enmeshment dynamics, specifically she told me "you're just like your dad", there was indeed a negative connotation, it was something like "something bad will happen to you, like what happened to dad"
Christina, I've watched about 10 videos so far. I must say that it is very enlightening, and I'm becoming ever more confident I was in a relationship with a narcissist. This same woman also accused her husband of being a Narcissist, yet the very things she has done to her husband are things I'm experiencing. I know because he told me himself. As he put it: "Sounds familiar." I was also compared to said Husband (separated/divorcing).
I heard an interesting variation of “you remind me of.” She said “I’m like .” And mind you, toxic person is someone she didn’t know but I had described and defined how that person is someone I kicked out of my life prior. I should have broken up with her much earlier.
I used to say "you always" and "you never" to him. This was towards the end of the relationship, I guess when I was finally waking up to his toxicity. I would say things like "you never do the things you say you are going to do". After 5 years of asking him to clean the guttering, I paid someone to do it. And then, "you always get on at me if I haven't done the housework you think I should have done". For example the dishes. If I didn't jump to it straight after a meal, he would get upset with me. So, in that case, was I the Narc or was he??? He was lazy, yes, but also expected me to jump at his beck and call.
this person that I was calling myself to be with, always was calling me 'stupid'. i think he did that because he didn't want me to call him out on the things he was doing behind my back like cheating and lying, and even when he would get caught red handed, he would still lie and call me stupid. i agree i was stupid, for letting him belittle me abuse me and cheat on me for 3 years and some change. yeah, i was stupid to have not let him go a long time ago. he would never call me a woman, i was always to him a lil girl or childish when i was with him, because i took care of everything in the home from rent to groceries, out of my own pocket. little girls don't do that. he was projecting most likely what he probably felt about himself deep down below, onto me. he really messed me up mentally. I find myself after i have a conversion with someone or even before i have a conversation with someone, I would be very hard on myself wondering if i said anything 'stupid' afterwards or not even engage in a conversation at all because I didn't want to sound 'stupid'. i never knew what a narcissist was until i got with him, and after him i cut off everybody that was or even had narcissist traits and they don't change until their 6 feet under and decomposing. that's their change. Thank you for the video!
They told me if I block them again they won’t put up with me again and to just talk to them if I’m having a problem… but every time I wanted to talk- even if just to connect and converse- but they obviously didn’t feel like it he’d say “I can’t always talk all the time” followed up with “I have other things going on in my life outside of u”. I’m not stupid, I can spot power plays. I always got the vibe I was burdening him when we talked instead of texting so a majority of our communication was just texting and going days without video calling or regular phone chatting (yeah, trying to do an LDR) so I’m confident wanting him to call me- or to pick up when I call him- was not asking too much nor was it me being needy, clingy, demanding or having high expectations. I’m ok with no longer having room in your life for me but I’m not ok with mind tricks…. But I’m the jerk for blocking him to protect and preserve my energy😉 It should be illegal to be so emotionally stunted! Not really or we’d both be in jail, I’m sure.
11:08 Those two words are found in advertising, song refrain, and government speeches. The purpose they serve is to disrupt strength in interpersonal relationships. They could be the most toxic two words of the common persons language bank. They were encouraged by the print pressers originally, in order that lower tier of speakers and thinkers would be more easily manipulated being that the words they would be bonding with, would be fragile. I intentionally began to stop using those two words nearly 6 years ago or so and It has been a very uplifting experience having removed the two words that I could not stand by under most circumstances in both fact and function while still being able to honor my words in deed. No one can and that is the missing magic that destroys trustworthiness in those two words (Always, Never).
"if you want to go out to nightclubs and bars with your friends on a girls night out, i won't be here when you return". (or adjust: example - 'your stuff will be on the doorstep' etc.) That is perfectly fine, because i knew exactly what 'girls nights out' are.
Phrase 2- “you make a big deal out of nothing” Umm 🤨 but this is exactly what abusers do. My husband is MEGA IRRITABLE 😡. Now, I hardly ever say to him “Husband, you’re exaggerating the situation” bc I know that will just make him MORE MAD. He hates any corrective feedback. He defends himself even when I’m not criticizing him. His constant defensive attitude is annoying.
Some I heard: - Me being with you is a favor - Lots of guys are jaleous of you or wish they can be in your place right now - My ex is jaleous of you (How does she knows about that ex?) - No one will love you the way I do. - I didn't do anything to make you feel that way, you had already something going on that led you to that point (never me, always something/ someone else).
what about this phrase- "if you respect me and our relationship, you would ____________"? Again, this relates to boundaries and taking care of each other. As an empath, I feel things very deeply. Even when someone accuses me or attacks me with completely false energy, I spend time introspectively searching. "Do I do that? Did I deserve this? Why is the universe sending me this message?" I would love to know more of your input for this. I have been so actively learning to know what my worth is and taking nothing less that I am having some deep conversations with people I am close with and sometime I have said these things to let them know I will not accept this. "You are acting like your mother's toxic/suffocating energy and I will not accept that behavior from anyone." It started as just talking about them, but, in the process of discovering where they were taught that behavior, now she does come up when the energy shows up again. I want to take these lessons deeply because I believe that all of us, at times, display toxic/narcissistic traits, so I want to understand deeper. Thank you!
I just found your channel today and I was wondering if you could do a toxic sibling conversation to help us understand if anyone has a toxic sister Ps I do and here are the results Angry about everything Accuses of lying Curses like a sailor Has been in a abusive relationship (in the past) Blaming things on others Puts people down Has a big ego very judgmental Hate speech Verbal abuse Thinking that she is bigger and better than everyone else And The smallest things can tick her off (aka her anger is quick to blow)
Not necessarily, them saying if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you, means you actually did anything. It’s a way to make you question yourself, as they feel like you did something, when you probably just triggered something, but they blame you. It’s also a way to get out of a conversation you scheduled they don’t want to participate in. It’s another way to shut you up. It works because when you’re baffled, you stop just to try and grasp what was just said.
Right there!!! The word salad smh, ltms, laughing to me self... always find the simplest thing out your conversation that have nothing to do with the subject.. told her I don't care about that .. address the main issue. Lie about anything.
I was passing out ever once in awhile and heart was skipping beats and had interruptions. Cardiologist said my heart was okay but my electrical system was misfiring. We had just gotten off a plane and I was experiencing a lot of interruptions thinking I was going to die. I rushed to the Hospital and she was really annoyed telling me, "I didn't get married to take care of someone, I got married for them to take care of me."
She wanted a new tree for XMAS and spend over 240 dollars. Complained the old decorations no longer matched. told her, "Sweetheart go buy new." Her answer, "Now I am not going to because I don't need your permission." When I called her on it she simply said, "I was just joking."
What's your take on a man who says "I would treat you like a Princess!"? Makes me a little cautious; I have no interest in being a 'Princess', and men who see women that way seem to want to be in charge, see you as being a demanding diva, which can't be good in the long run or realistic in general. All I want is an equal partner! Any thoughts? Is that a red flag?
1. “You’re just like your mom.” My mom was a raging alcoholic who held knives to my father throat. I don’t drink and never got physical with him even though he did with me. 2. “You’re being bipolar.” I AM bipolar. Have been since I was 16. I’m VERY emotional and I don’t deny that. He’d say that if I got upset because he made a mean joke at my expense. 3. To be fair I gave the ultimatums. I never stuck to them and it would be after years of asking him to stop doing whatever. 4. I’ve said that. While in a depression or a mania that’s how I feel. Bipolar is fun. It is 100% problematic! 5. He knew better then to say that. I pride myself on my intelligence. Mocking that would have been the fastest way to lose his supply. 6. We both used to “You always/never” until I learned in therapy for my bipolar that “I feel” statements were more helpful and should prevent animosity. It didn’t. I still prefer “I feel” statements though. 7. He may have said that but I don’t care about people I don’t know so it wouldn’t have effected me. 8. Where did they go??? 9. Yea. Before I got my last job I’d go to his house and take care of his dogs while he was at work. When I got my full time job he was shocked when I said I wouldn’t be doing that anymore. He said I should push myself to work 60 hours a week AND take care of HIS pets. He also took half of those paychecks to pay his bills at his house. He also used my and my sons food stamps and got annoyed when they were canceled because I make to much money now. I’m much richer since leaving him. 10. I didn’t need to be the problem so he didn’t need to use that phrase. Also the silent treatment isn’t a punishment for me. I love silence! In fact I missed silence when we were together. Never a quite moment.
Tfs yes a lot of red ♥️ flags which makes me cry 😢 however.... I truly know this I needed to hear and feel that My guardian angels,God sent You to Me with this message and it's so hurts because I truly love this man!
Wife was supposed to fly overseas to go see her family after New Year's. I did something minor the day after XMAS. She called and changed her reservation to fly before New Year so I would have to spend New Year's alone and then told me about it because I pissed her off.
Guy cut me off and almost ran us into a ditch. I swore about it. Told me if I was a man and had any balls I would chase him down and beat him up and if not she doesn't want to f'ing hear it.
Haha,, all obvious, when they explain something to you after you asked them a question and you know the answer cause they've already told you, they open their eyes wide look right at you and talk like you are a child...I walked Away laughing as she was talking.whoa...opppz wrong planet
Every 10 phrases i heard and i felt hurt and i though its normal .if i knew that this day will come when i will have depression anxiety stress i would run away from him i mean Devours him but now i have two children and he seems a little bit nice so i will wait a little longer
I told her "Do I gotta put it in subtitles or something"?! I just stopped talking to my ex-wife in the middle of my divorce. It's hard to win with a Narcissist, so I might as well STFU and go about my own business.
Or just someone who is immature. Everything seems to be toxic these days. Videos like these suggest that we should throw in the towel on relationships the moment someone is showing these traits. We need to be using our own emotional intelligence and working together to solve these things.
Parents are both 85 and not together. Not Dad was a compulsive gambler when he was young. Mom likes to have a glass of wine with dinner. I am a high earner and she doesn't work. I have never had financial issues and gave her a McMansion on a golf course and a Benz. Never had any money issues and deprived her of anything. I play the lottery once in awhile and drink socially. Suddenly she is telling me I am an alcoholic and Gambler like each of my parents.
Hi I am in danger of homeless due to my aunts narssistic manipulation over the owner of our rental home can you give spefic advice pertaining to my stituation
I have actually said the love one but more like if you loved me like you said you wouldn't be treating me so horribly then going further to explain that I Want to believe he loved me but all I feel is confusion because his words say he does but his actions show he doesn't because it's not like any love I've ever experienced or felt and this has me questioning what love really is. Is it what he's telling me it is or what I've always known it to be. Being in a relationship with a lying narcissist left me damaged, confused, hurt and questioning everything about myself and my life.
Another thing is any word or action from me was wrong and my fault, any word or action of his was my fault because I caused him to do it. If I hadn't done or said this he wouldn't of "had" to do or say that. I've still yet to figure out this "one major event" that happened that of coarse was All Me and My Fault that let him know we probably shouldn't be together yet he still loves me and if I'll do this and this and this and be this person he'll put the effort in trying again but I just keep messing it up and I keep starting arguments or Any question about us or trying to talk at all about us is starting an argument and why can't we just talk about nothing why does it always have to be drama. It's been 3 years "I should know" and "how dare I pretend not to know oh I must be trying to put all the blame on him" and I've still yet to be told what this huge event was. He don't answer anything and loves to not comment on text to stuff I say and when I ask why he didn't reply I get the sarcastic reply of "well I didn't see a question, I swear I've never met anybody like you, all the people I've ever known, Normal people don't have to have a response". I share all this yet I hate myself for still loving, missing and wanting the him that he was in the love bombing stage when "he wasn't good enough for me and he's damaged I should run" and "I was perfect" and would even try to force me to call myself perfect even though I tried sharing every negative thing about myself and Begged him to stop saying that because I was most definitely not perfect and once those rose colored glasses fell off and he realized that he would run as he's done back and forth for 4 years now. Ugh
I have some questions- #3 (ultimatums)- what if your partner is doing something dangerous or toxic. is that ultimatum a toxic phrase or is it setting a boundary? That is where I get lost sometimes in these videos (and I love them)... if someone is displaying toxic behavior and we talk about it, then it pops up again, would showing them how it comes across in relationship to how someone else behaves be toxic or a point of reference?
haha I am dying of laughter. I literally pushed paused, typed the question, then pushed play and you answered it. I still want to know the second part, please.
All of my life with him he’s said “look it up” if I asked him about a thing. (as if I was a child) Turns out, he also didn’t know! But same message: if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you. Also, he actually told me once during an argument “you’re just like Donald trump”. He said that to provoke me because it was definitely a projection. He knew it would kiss me off. He is so petty. When I discovered his infidelity proof five years ago, he said to me after all hell broke loose and all of my soul fell out, “cause I can’t live without you” These are all facts is what I’m sayin.
My husband said he lives through me. He wants to be me ?? What does that even mean. All these things are very common to me just he says them in a slightly caring way
I've been questioning myself about thinking one of my friends really does overreact. I've been at the same place and time as him and if someone says something to him with an appropriate firm request, he gets bent out of shape and sulks or becomes passive aggressive and gives the silent treatment. I have thought to myself that he is too sensitive or is making a big deal out of things that he interprets in an exaggerated way. How can I help him see a different perspective so he doesn't get so frustrated? For example, we went to a seminar and we had to go through the activities quickly. He wasn't grasping the information and one of the ladies said to him, "We have to move a little more quickly." I didn't think anything of that. I also thought he was taking to much time. My friend was so bent out of shape that the next day he was sulking and being passive aggressive. This type of behavior is frequent. He does seem sensitive and overreacts. But if I mention that to him, then I'm a narcissist?
*Think you may have had a relationship with a narcissist?* Download the FREE checklist to see how your experience stacks up to the phases of narcissistic abuse: www.commonego.com/checklist
Thank you for this. What if the person doesn’t want to communicate and wants to get loud and over talk you. Or, speak with condescension and not care. And just in general, they do not acknowledge that they are wrong, nor apologize but just seek to move on from the matter and get upset and attempt to twist things around when you’re like, we haven’t resolved anything. They make it seem like it’s all you and in your head. Then they say “well since I don’t do enough or anything right why don’t you just…..”. And that as not what you were saying at all. You’re trying to communicate how you feel and get them to understand or want them to try at least.
Any insight or input is extremely helpful.
Spot on! I posted a comment that confirms. 😊
@@albeealegend that is emotional abuse. Stonewalling, degrading, gaslighting.
THANK YOU CHRISTINA FOR YOUR INSIGHT OF INFORMATION AND ADVICE WHERE CH IN RETURN IS KNOWLEDGE THAT I WILL DO WITH ALL YOUR VIDEOS WHICH I I CAN APPLY IN MY DAY DAY LIFE THANK YOU SO MUCH FIREFIGHTER GREG 808 FYI IT STATES LETTER K I AM USING THAT IN MEMORY OF MY MOTHER
I JUST SUBSCRIBED TODAY I AM SO READY FOR THE NEXT STEP DOWNLOAD TH COMPLIMENTARY WORKBOOK DEALING WITH TOXIC PEOPLE WITH TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS CHECK LIST GOT IT I LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING YOU ON YOUR NEXT LIVE? LMK
Some different facets of calling you stupid that I have experienced;
*When they insist on doing simple things for you that they know you know how to do
*Googles everything you tell them
*Constantly explaining very simple concepts to you
Phrases: 1. You’re just like (whoever) 2. You’re too sensitive, overreacting etc. 3. Any ultimatum 4. I can’t live without you 5. You’re stupid and variations 6 and 7. You always or you never phrases 8. Oh you remind me of whoever 9. If you loved me you would do this 10. If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you
She nailed everyone except 4
Yes heard all these
All of my life with him he’s said “look it up” if I asked him about a thing. Turns out, he also didn’t know! But same message: if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.
Also, he actually told me once during an argument “you’re just like Donald trump”. He said that to provoke me because it was definitely a projection. He knew it would kiss me off. He is so petty.
When I discovered his infidelity proof five years ago, he said to me after all hell broke loose and all of my soul fell out, “cause I can’t live without you”
All of these are facts is what I’m sayin.
The one that was in my life could probably do all ten in a hours time.
@Terry Cato sad but true buddy but the sad thing about it is the problem I'm having everything I point out she turns it around on me, I've heard you're sensitive,crazy, and if u ever notice I can send her a text about everything she's doing and she'll come back with the stupidest comments and fail to mention anything I asked her, so her way of try and supporting me was monetarily, making me dinner and making me lunch so I said I don't want money or lunches or dinners just you're genuine honesty and there's complete silence, so here's a good one... ask them if they can answer a question in 5 seconds let's play the 5 second rule, then tell them if they we're interrogated there ass would be in jail the first 5 minutes of the meeting
"If this is how you communicate, I don't see any conversation being productive..."
Relationships often fail because one person gives and gives while the other one takes and takes! Never allow it to be one-sided.
💙TH-camr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships
My favourite one ' I thought you'd be different"😂😂
"You create drama", "you're reflexively hostile ", "you exaggerate and make things up", "you're intellectually lacking "
Thanks for sharing, Donna! 🙏❤️
Oooo the last one! My narc did that alot. The more I begged for him to tell me the more he got off on not telling me. Sometimes he didnt even have an answer and just used "if you dont know I am not gonna be the one to tell you" as a disguise for his lack of explanation even to himself.
That answer is probably the most frustrating one anyone can give! 🙏❤️
ALL narcissists ARE devil's advocates in my book.
This is happening all the time with my ex partner she constantly does not want to tell me things it's driving me crazy but I am almost used to it by now she is using it as a punishment to keep me in the dark the latest is she doesn't want to tell me when can I collect my kids on weekends..
Mine would say,don't ask me questions you already know the answer to....
Leave so you can do great things in your life instead of dwelling on that nonsense
Add, number 11,, "After everything I have done for you"
BTW Christina, your video on narcissistic closure was beyond classic. I urge everyone to watch and leave far richer in the message.
This!!! My ex always said “Everything I do I do for the family!” What he did was pay his bills at his house, take care of his pets, clean his house, and buy himself things. Nothing he did was for the family. While I paid a bunch of his bills, his pets only ate half the time because I bought them food, and he ate using me and my sons food stamps. GTFOH with that noise!
"What do you want me to say" After I've tried to communicate an issue! Is this phrase included in toxicity?
I used phrase "After everything I have done for you" in my head myself, because I poured and poured into our relationship, for 5 years and he didn't care T-T
Unless it is used to shut you up - this might not be toxic phrase on it's own.
I used to do the “you always” and “you never” one all the time. When I was called out on it, I initially didn’t understand the problem, because I thought it was obvious I was being hyperbolic. But being hyperbolic like that to exaggerate your point *does* cause harm. You’re choosing to ignore all of the instances of whatever you’re arguing about that don’t reinforce your side, and you’re also framing things in a black or white/all or nothing way, which is something that happens a lot with depression and anxiety if you kind of start to give in to the lies they tell you. If I catch myself starting to use one of those generalizations now, I stop and correct myself. That pause when I do also takes me out of the moment enough to give me some perspective and knock me out of saying something out of emotion. It’s super helpful at changing the course of an argument into more of a constructive conversation.
I love this. Thank you for sharing ❤️🙏
@@CommonEgo You’re welcome!
Excellent 👍
Being called ‘naive.. ‘ she also on another occasion, muttered under her breath - ‘familiarity breeds contempt’ expecting me not to hear it..
She told me ALL of that.
Anyone who plans on being around people should see this video. It sums up years of learning the hard way. Very well done. Thank You Ma'am.
🙏❤️
Silent treatment is an iffy one, you may be stuck to dependency on a toxic relationship and from previous experiences you may know full well that engaging with them to try to resolve the situation just gives them a gateway to your traumas and you may already be in a weak mental health. This can be dangerous because it can sap away at your energy to focus on becoming independent of them in order to leave them behind. The solution in this case, is to find ways to disparticipate with them as much as possible, at least until you can stabilise your mental health
Good advice
And hold your survival over your head while making sure you stay dependent on them while also blaming you for it.
Oof... I can't even count how many times I've heard the "You always..." and "You never..." phrases.
During the discard, the ex narc actually used this "that's why I hate you, because you NEVER listen!" Actually, I was always forced to keep quiet in the relationship then. It seemed as if it was a form of projection bullying. Narcs really thrive on that.
I forgot that, you never listen one. What about, you can trust me? Yeah, no way.
One i heard allot was you will never find someone that will love you like me.
That one is common too 🙏❤️
Yes! And my response: Thank God! 🤣
I was told I wouldn't find someone worth 5% of her..lol
“I’m not a bad person”
I would just hear the definitive declaration “you don’t love me” whenever she didn’t get her way. It’s both a guilt trip and a double bind rolled into one!
I often heard Everyone knows or believes and No one else believes or thinks. Like when I would get punished for doing something or not doing something and would ask what did I do that was weird or wrong. And the response would be "It's obvious to everyone else what you did that was weird or wrong and the fact that you need me to tell you what you did that was weird or wrong just proves how sick and evil you are." My narc mother loved using this one it was her primary go to.
I had someone tell me he can't live without me. That he needed me. I stayed way longer than I should have.
He also said I thought you were smarter than that. Smh
Damn I recognised 7 out of 10. I'm always second guessing my self if the relationship is toxic or I'm the problem. Hearing this is so validating.
Do you walk on eggshells around them? Get out. I waited 20 years and regret it
If you have to second guess yourself? It will get really bad. It wont end until the relationship end. So get out now and say nothing. I wasted 7 dumb years of my life doing nothing for myself but second guessing for 7 years
My mother has given my covert narc father ultimatums for 56 years. Never got here anywhere except stuck with a horrible person.
Toxic relationships extend to any type of regular knowing between two people . Watch out for these things and other red flags from any type of relationship. It can be much harder to detach from toxic relationships that cant be 'broken up' without changing a persons whole life, for instance regular customers or regular staff. Or sharing public space that everyone is entitled to
Good point. Toxicity can come from any type of interaction 🙏❤️
Wow! 5 & 6 my husband says to me everyday and I hear oh my God your head is so messed up you cannot keep up with a conversation. I hear all the time you never listen to me when I am always listening and never heard. Yes! Number 10 is so true, my husband loves doing that because then he can say I told u, u don't listen nor care about me! Thank you so much for this video!
"You're always so argumentative" when he is not getting his way.
I’m guessing that he just didn’t like you participating in the conversation 😂 or having your own personal thoughts that were different from his. Wow, a woman who can think for herself!
The phrases you never, we always, we can’t, are ones that he consistently uses and it just infuriates me. So definitely a Gaslighter. I told him you can’t say always and never because that is not the truth. But that’s some thing he uses a lot and it is the fuel for an argument because it’s accusatory.
i identify very much with the "you're like..." phrase, and that was told by my mother to me when i wanted to individuate and resist the enmeshment dynamics, specifically she told me "you're just like your dad", there was indeed a negative connotation, it was something like "something bad will happen to you, like what happened to dad"
My husband does every one of these. It points out I should never say any of these. My Narcissist Mother used many of these.
Yes, or if you do say them, it might be time to take a closer look at the relationship 🙏❤️
Christina, I've watched about 10 videos so far. I must say that it is very enlightening, and I'm becoming ever more confident I was in a relationship with a narcissist. This same woman also accused her husband of being a Narcissist, yet the very things she has done to her husband are things I'm experiencing. I know because he told me himself. As he put it: "Sounds familiar."
I was also compared to said Husband (separated/divorcing).
“I’m not saying you don’t do anything around the house………(waiting for the “but”)
Excellent video! Also, 11 would be “I’m sorry you feel that way”.
I heard an interesting variation of “you remind me of.” She said “I’m like .” And mind you, toxic person is someone she didn’t know but I had described and defined how that person is someone I kicked out of my life prior.
I should have broken up with her much earlier.
I used to say "you always" and "you never" to him. This was towards the end of the relationship, I guess when I was finally waking up to his toxicity. I would say things like "you never do the things you say you are going to do". After 5 years of asking him to clean the guttering, I paid someone to do it.
And then, "you always get on at me if I haven't done the housework you think I should have done". For example the dishes. If I didn't jump to it straight after a meal, he would get upset with me.
So, in that case, was I the Narc or was he???
He was lazy, yes, but also expected me to jump at his beck and call.
Christina, You are so pretty and I learn something every time I listen you.
Thankyou Christina, the stupid part really resonated with me ' have to watch this a few times. Spirit keeps guiding me to things I need to undo. 💜
this person that I was calling myself to be with, always was calling me 'stupid'. i think he did that because he didn't want me to call him out on the things he was doing behind my back like cheating and lying, and even when he would get caught red handed, he would still lie and call me stupid. i agree i was stupid, for letting him belittle me abuse me and cheat on me for 3 years and some change. yeah, i was stupid to have not let him go a long time ago. he would never call me a woman, i was always to him a lil girl or childish when i was with him, because i took care of everything in the home from rent to groceries, out of my own pocket. little girls don't do that. he was projecting most likely what he probably felt about himself deep down below, onto me. he really messed me up mentally. I find myself after i have a conversion with someone or even before i have a conversation with someone, I would be very hard on myself wondering if i said anything 'stupid' afterwards or not even engage in a conversation at all because I didn't want to sound 'stupid'. i never knew what a narcissist was until i got with him, and after him i cut off everybody that was or even had narcissist traits and they don't change until their 6 feet under and decomposing. that's their change. Thank you for the video!
They told me if I block them again they won’t put up with me again and to just talk to them if I’m having a problem… but every time I wanted to talk- even if just to connect and converse- but they obviously didn’t feel like it he’d say “I can’t always talk all the time” followed up with “I have other things going on in my life outside of u”. I’m not stupid, I can spot power plays. I always got the vibe I was burdening him when we talked instead of texting so a majority of our communication was just texting and going days without video calling or regular phone chatting (yeah, trying to do an LDR) so I’m confident wanting him to call me- or to pick up when I call him- was not asking too much nor was it me being needy, clingy, demanding or having high expectations. I’m ok with no longer having room in your life for me but I’m not ok with mind tricks…. But I’m the jerk for blocking him to protect and preserve my energy😉 It should be illegal to be so emotionally stunted! Not really or we’d both be in jail, I’m sure.
Great video, thank you. Also, I love your necklace!
My mother would say- “You just like your no good daddy!” 😒 that made me feel awful… even now it hurts😢
11:08 Those two words are found in advertising, song refrain, and government speeches. The purpose they serve is to disrupt strength in interpersonal relationships. They could be the most toxic two words of the common persons language bank. They were encouraged by the print pressers originally, in order that lower tier of speakers and thinkers would be more easily manipulated being that the words they would be bonding with, would be fragile. I intentionally began to stop using those two words nearly 6 years ago or so and It has been a very uplifting experience having removed the two words that I could not stand by under most circumstances in both fact and function while still being able to honor my words in deed. No one can and that is the missing magic that destroys trustworthiness in those two words (Always, Never).
❤ thank you for this video because I still help me with conversations
"if you want to go out to nightclubs and bars with your friends on a girls night out, i won't be here when you return". (or adjust: example - 'your stuff will be on the doorstep' etc.) That is perfectly fine, because i knew exactly what 'girls nights out' are.
Phrase 2- “you make a big deal out of nothing”
Umm 🤨 but this is exactly what abusers do. My husband is MEGA IRRITABLE 😡. Now, I hardly ever say to him “Husband, you’re exaggerating the situation” bc I know that will just make him MORE MAD. He hates any corrective feedback. He defends himself even when I’m not criticizing him. His constant defensive attitude is annoying.
Wow.. this was shocking, like you were in my relationship and retelling what you saw! Lol..Too bad I didn’t see it at first… thank you!!
Some I heard:
- Me being with you is a favor
- Lots of guys are jaleous of you or wish they can be in your place right now
- My ex is jaleous of you (How does she knows about that ex?)
- No one will love you the way I do.
- I didn't do anything to make you feel that way, you had already something going on that led you to that point (never me, always something/ someone else).
I have a Master's she has a HS Diploma but I was "clueless and just don't get it."
what about this phrase- "if you respect me and our relationship, you would ____________"? Again, this relates to boundaries and taking care of each other. As an empath, I feel things very deeply. Even when someone accuses me or attacks me with completely false energy, I spend time introspectively searching. "Do I do that? Did I deserve this? Why is the universe sending me this message?" I would love to know more of your input for this. I have been so actively learning to know what my worth is and taking nothing less that I am having some deep conversations with people I am close with and sometime I have said these things to let them know I will not accept this. "You are acting like your mother's toxic/suffocating energy and I will not accept that behavior from anyone." It started as just talking about them, but, in the process of discovering where they were taught that behavior, now she does come up when the energy shows up again. I want to take these lessons deeply because I believe that all of us, at times, display toxic/narcissistic traits, so I want to understand deeper. Thank you!
I just found your channel today and I was wondering if you could do a toxic sibling conversation to help us understand if anyone has a toxic sister
Ps I do and here are the results
Angry about everything
Accuses of lying
Curses like a sailor
Has been in a abusive relationship (in the past)
Blaming things on others
Puts people down
Has a big ego
very judgmental
Hate speech
Verbal abuse
Thinking that she is bigger and better than everyone else
And
The smallest things can tick her off (aka her anger is quick to blow)
Not necessarily, them saying if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you, means you actually did anything. It’s a way to make you question yourself, as they feel like you did something, when you probably just triggered something, but they blame you. It’s also a way to get out of a conversation you scheduled they don’t want to participate in. It’s another way to shut you up.
It works because when you’re baffled, you stop just to try and grasp what was just said.
Right there!!! The word salad smh, ltms, laughing to me self... always find the simplest thing out your conversation that have nothing to do with the subject.. told her I don't care about that .. address the main issue. Lie about anything.
I was passing out ever once in awhile and heart was skipping beats and had interruptions. Cardiologist said my heart was okay but my electrical system was misfiring. We had just gotten off a plane and I was experiencing a lot of interruptions thinking I was going to die. I rushed to the Hospital and she was really annoyed telling me, "I didn't get married to take care of someone, I got married for them to take care of me."
Wow...I'm sorry. Hope you got the heck out.
She wanted a new tree for XMAS and spend over 240 dollars. Complained the old decorations no longer matched. told her, "Sweetheart go buy new." Her answer, "Now I am not going to because I don't need your permission." When I called her on it she simply said, "I was just joking."
What's your take on a man who says "I would treat you like a Princess!"? Makes me a little cautious; I have no interest in being a 'Princess', and men who see women that way seem to want to be in charge, see you as being a demanding diva, which can't be good in the long run or realistic in general. All I want is an equal partner! Any thoughts? Is that a red flag?
1. “You’re just like your mom.” My mom was a raging alcoholic who held knives to my father throat. I don’t drink and never got physical with him even though he did with me.
2. “You’re being bipolar.” I AM bipolar. Have been since I was 16. I’m VERY emotional and I don’t deny that. He’d say that if I got upset because he made a mean joke at my expense.
3. To be fair I gave the ultimatums. I never stuck to them and it would be after years of asking him to stop doing whatever.
4. I’ve said that. While in a depression or a mania that’s how I feel. Bipolar is fun. It is 100% problematic!
5. He knew better then to say that. I pride myself on my intelligence. Mocking that would have been the fastest way to lose his supply.
6. We both used to “You always/never” until I learned in therapy for my bipolar that “I feel” statements were more helpful and should prevent animosity. It didn’t. I still prefer “I feel” statements though.
7. He may have said that but I don’t care about people I don’t know so it wouldn’t have effected me.
8. Where did they go???
9. Yea. Before I got my last job I’d go to his house and take care of his dogs while he was at work. When I got my full time job he was shocked when I said I wouldn’t be doing that anymore. He said I should push myself to work 60 hours a week AND take care of HIS pets. He also took half of those paychecks to pay his bills at his house. He also used my and my sons food stamps and got annoyed when they were canceled because I make to much money now. I’m much richer since leaving him.
10. I didn’t need to be the problem so he didn’t need to use that phrase. Also the silent treatment isn’t a punishment for me. I love silence! In fact I missed silence when we were together. Never a quite moment.
Thanks!
Tfs yes a lot of red ♥️ flags which makes me cry 😢 however.... I truly know this I needed to hear and feel that My guardian angels,God sent You to Me with this message and it's so hurts because I truly love this man!
Wife was supposed to fly overseas to go see her family after New Year's. I did something minor the day after XMAS. She called and changed her reservation to fly before New Year so I would have to spend New Year's alone and then told me about it because I pissed her off.
Guy cut me off and almost ran us into a ditch. I swore about it. Told me if I was a man and had any balls I would chase him down and beat him up and if not she doesn't want to f'ing hear it.
I also heard "You need me!"
That is controlling and WEIRD. Run
Haha,, all obvious, when they explain something to you after you asked them a question and you know the answer cause they've already told you, they open their eyes wide look right at you and talk like you are a child...I walked Away laughing as she was talking.whoa...opppz wrong planet
Every 10 phrases i heard and i felt hurt and i though its normal .if i knew that this day will come when i will have depression anxiety stress i would run away from him i mean Devours him but now i have two children and he seems a little bit nice so i will wait a little longer
I told her "Do I gotta put it in subtitles or something"?! I just stopped talking to my ex-wife in the middle of my divorce. It's hard to win with a Narcissist, so I might as well STFU and go about my own business.
Or just someone who is immature. Everything seems to be toxic these days. Videos like these suggest that we should throw in the towel on relationships the moment someone is showing these traits. We need to be using our own emotional intelligence and working together to solve these things.
When your boyfriend threatens you that he might do something i wouldn't like if ever i break up with him.. What does it mean?
Parents are both 85 and not together. Not Dad was a compulsive gambler when he was young. Mom likes to have a glass of wine with dinner. I am a high earner and she doesn't work. I have never had financial issues and gave her a McMansion on a golf course and a Benz. Never had any money issues and deprived her of anything. I play the lottery once in awhile and drink socially. Suddenly she is telling me I am an alcoholic and Gambler like each of my parents.
Hi I am in danger of homeless due to my aunts narssistic manipulation over the owner of our rental home can you give spefic advice pertaining to my stituation
I have actually said the love one but more like if you loved me like you said you wouldn't be treating me so horribly then going further to explain that I Want to believe he loved me but all I feel is confusion because his words say he does but his actions show he doesn't because it's not like any love I've ever experienced or felt and this has me questioning what love really is. Is it what he's telling me it is or what I've always known it to be. Being in a relationship with a lying narcissist left me damaged, confused, hurt and questioning everything about myself and my life.
Another thing is any word or action from me was wrong and my fault, any word or action of his was my fault because I caused him to do it. If I hadn't done or said this he wouldn't of "had" to do or say that. I've still yet to figure out this "one major event" that happened that of coarse was All Me and My Fault that let him know we probably shouldn't be together yet he still loves me and if I'll do this and this and this and be this person he'll put the effort in trying again but I just keep messing it up and I keep starting arguments or Any question about us or trying to talk at all about us is starting an argument and why can't we just talk about nothing why does it always have to be drama. It's been 3 years "I should know" and "how dare I pretend not to know oh I must be trying to put all the blame on him" and I've still yet to be told what this huge event was. He don't answer anything and loves to not comment on text to stuff I say and when I ask why he didn't reply I get the sarcastic reply of "well I didn't see a question, I swear I've never met anybody like you, all the people I've ever known, Normal people don't have to have a response". I share all this yet I hate myself for still loving, missing and wanting the him that he was in the love bombing stage when "he wasn't good enough for me and he's damaged I should run" and "I was perfect" and would even try to force me to call myself perfect even though I tried sharing every negative thing about myself and Begged him to stop saying that because I was most definitely not perfect and once those rose colored glasses fell off and he realized that he would run as he's done back and forth for 4 years now. Ugh
good points but too many shoulds
yes, it was hepful - thanks
Of course if you are an over thinker, it can be hard to put the problem into words in a spitfire manner
I have some questions- #3 (ultimatums)- what if your partner is doing something dangerous or toxic. is that ultimatum a toxic phrase or is it setting a boundary? That is where I get lost sometimes in these videos (and I love them)... if someone is displaying toxic behavior and we talk about it, then it pops up again, would showing them how it comes across in relationship to how someone else behaves be toxic or a point of reference?
haha I am dying of laughter. I literally pushed paused, typed the question, then pushed play and you answered it.
I still want to know the second part, please.
I've been a subscriber for over a year now. . . You share a LOT of "good stuff," Sister! And because of you, I'm no longer a Barry Manilow fan (LOL!).
How about “ Most people with common sense already know how to do” A B C ?
All of my life with him he’s said “look it up” if I asked him about a thing. (as if I was a child) Turns out, he also didn’t know! But same message: if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.
Also, he actually told me once during an argument “you’re just like Donald trump”. He said that to provoke me because it was definitely a projection. He knew it would kiss me off. He is so petty.
When I discovered his infidelity proof five years ago, he said to me after all hell broke loose and all of my soul fell out, “cause I can’t live without you”
These are all facts is what I’m sayin.
My German grandmother used that when I asked her on the phone if she needed any groceries...Grandma I cannot see into your fridge.
She said 8 of these to me.. .sheesh
My husband said he lives through me. He wants to be me ?? What does that even mean. All these things are very common to me just he says them in a slightly caring way
sounds like he needs a therapist
I think I've got the same skin coloring
How about you not grateful.
“There’s something wrong with your brain”……………..
👍
I've been questioning myself about thinking one of my friends really does overreact. I've been at the same place and time as him and if someone says something to him with an appropriate firm request, he gets bent out of shape and sulks or becomes passive aggressive and gives the silent treatment. I have thought to myself that he is too sensitive or is making a big deal out of things that he interprets in an exaggerated way. How can I help him see a different perspective so he doesn't get so frustrated? For example, we went to a seminar and we had to go through the activities quickly. He wasn't grasping the information and one of the ladies said to him, "We have to move a little more quickly."
I didn't think anything of that. I also thought he was taking to much time. My friend was so bent out of shape that the next day he was sulking and being passive aggressive. This type of behavior is frequent. He does seem sensitive and overreacts. But if I mention that to him, then I'm a narcissist?
It took you almost 2.5 minutes to “jump right in.” I won’t be subscribing.