here to clarify in case i did a poor job in the video: narcissism ≠ abusive. this video is about people who don't seek help and then make their mental health the problem of their children. the same way almond mums make their eating disorders their children's problems. you are not a bad person if you have npd. you can have children and be a good parent if you have npd. the problem is that a lot of people don't seek help and don't care about how their actions affect people, and that's has negative repercussions, and that expands out into mental health as a whole. as someone with bdp i understand the frustration when people assume you're abusive and that was not my intention and i apologise to anyone i may have upset. it is never my intention to villainise mental illness and i will be more wary going forwards.
I get what you mean but if you made a video titled "bipolar moms" no one would believe you when you said you were only referring to abusive moms who take out their bipolar disorder on their children, when you use myths drummed up by a bunch of culty grifters for views you're gonna get called out so I don't know why you're acting surprised, no one was holding a gun to your head forcing you to make this video
There are unfortunately entire nations where it is a child's legal responsibility to care for their parents no matter how horrific they were. There have even been examples of parents who gave them up for adoption and when they found out they became financially successful they sued their biological child for not giving them financial support! They win in these lawsuits too! 😢
@@TheQueerKiwi I personally think you made it perfectly clear in the video, however some people are just reading the title and making assumptions about what you're going to say in the video without actually watching it.
some people already said this but you should consider taking it down or at least changing the title. thanks for acknowledging that you used harmful language though, i really enjoy your videos
"Hey, you did this really traumatizing thing and it messed with me." "Yeah, but I don't do that anymore." "I mean, I know, but it affects me still and-" "My dad beat me."
This is too real for me. I swear I had the exact same conversation with my mom, except she just justifies the thing that traumatized me and continues to do it.
My mom pulled this on me more than once; until I responded with, so did mine, while you stood around and did nothing except continue forcing me to go to his house.
See, this is a fair example of what an abuser with NPD would do. That's horrible. If you went through that, I'm very sorry and I wish you recovery. Their trauma excuses nothing.
Yeah, knowing my parents' abusive childhoods were so much worse than mine didn't make mine any easier to handle. It was a big factor in my decision to be childfree. If I worked my ass off to be better than my parents and still ended up hurting my kids, I'd never be able to live with it.
When I had a child my entire thought process was, “he didn’t decide to be here, I decided to have him. He owes me nothing. Not even blind obedience.” He’s only 20 months, but he is so sweet, silly, empathetic, kind, smart. I can’t wait to see him continue to grow and develop into his own person. It’s so fun. Being a parent is such a privilege, yet people treat it as a burden and blame their kids for a decision the kid didn’t make.
My family refused to acknowledge that I'm mentally ill.... both my mom and my grandma said "it's just a hormonal imbalance in your brain- it's not a mental illness" 😅😅😅 I literally had to explain to them that it's literally what an illness can be
Technically diabetes is a hormone imbalance. Insulin is a hormone. Perhaps that's the truth bomb that your family needs to hear? Either way, I'm sorry they don't take your mental illness seriously. That sucks.
hormonal imbalances in the brain are literally the cause of some mental illness though T_T like, for example, bipolar is caused by a hormonal imbalance in the brain
My mom wanted multiple kids, but fertility problems meant she only had one: me. I am so glad that I am my mother's only child. I'm still healing from the hurt all these years later, but at least she never got the chance to hurt more kids.
Same. I was “lucky number eight”. Whenever I mention that my mom had six miscarriages and my older sister only lived two days, people are always saying, “oh she’s so lucky and we’re all so lucky you’re here!” And I’m just thinking, “well at least you think so because she’s never made me feel that way”. I joke that I’m the “only child and the unwanted child” 🙃
Yeah my mom always dearly wanted more children but I was the only one that took root. No idea if she just miscarried early enough that she didn't know she was pregnant or if no others honestly began but it was just me. But she was very poor, made bad decisions, and became an uncontrollable alcoholic as I got older and while I've forgiven her for the most part now that she's nearly 9 years sober, she did a lot of harm to me growing up and I'm quietly grateful I didn't need to look out for another sibling at the same time. One of my best friends is an eldest daughter who had to protect her younger siblings for several years from the emotional abuse and parental fighting.
My mother had five miscarriages before me. I sometimes envy the lucky bastards who didn't make it. I don't understand wanting children so bad only to severely abuse them and hate their guts.
My dad also hates the label thing. When I first told him about my ADHD diagnosis he was accepting and was like 'that makes sense ' then the next time my ADHD came up he went on a rant about why do young people need to put labels on everything... And wouldn't accept that it helps me feel better.
My dad said I use my health as a reason for everything. I have mental health diagnoses and he couldn’t handle it . I am physically disabled now after nde last year and he dealt with that better but I know it annoys him
My parents do the same thing! They all 'agree' that I have ADHD but when I ask when I can go to a therapist to help with my problems they claim that Im doing just fine right now and don't need it OR that i can't go because there are no good ones and their just going to give me meds. Yeah I may be doing 'fine' right now but i am crying in a stall every other day at school because I don't want to screw up and "thats totally normal everyone your age goes through that!" BRO IF THATS EVEN SLIGHTLY TRUE WHY IS OUR GENERATION SO TRAUMATIZED THEN?!?!
Something that I think is important to maybe add to your caveat at the beginning on talking about abusive mothers more than abusive fathers is that we more readily accept the idea of an abusive father societally, but not an abusive mother. The idea or trope of an abusive father is very much something that is in the social consciousness, whereas abusive mothers is something we are only recently building better awareness around (which coincides with better awareness of more subtle kinds of abuse, like emotional and mental and financial). That I think is an important aspect to bring up.
I think one of my favourite lines regarding mental health issues is Taylor Tomlinson discussing her Bipolar disorder, where her therapist tells her "You don't have to say you ARE bipolar, you could say you HAVE bipolar disorder." and she's like "And to me that sounded like she was saying 'I said you were BEING a bitch!' "
Lol this is actually exactly how I've requested family and friends talk to me during confrontation. Tell me I'm BEING or ACTING a certain way and it won't trigger a defensive response for whatever reason. Telling me I AM something I guess comes across as too absolute, and all I can do is say "no, you!"
Taylor Tomlinson is unironically one of my favorite comedians because she is able to talk openly about her mental illness and is able to put into words things that are both funny but also actually helpful to others
Something i heard recently in regards to things like mental health issues that cause people to unintentionally harm others "while it is not your fault, it is your problem and responsibility" and as someone with extreme emotional disregulation issues due to ADHD, that really drove it home for me
@@OzCrocI agree for sure, but unfortunately some things we are still responsible for even when we did not ask for them. If I lash out at someone because I feel rejected (due to my RSD), and I hurt that person, it’s still my responsibility to accept that I hurt them.
@@roxywolfe But you have a condition so you can't help it. That's like saying it's someone in a wheelchair's responsibility to walk. Seems ableist if you ask me.
@OzCroc that's different because of a lot of things Saying that my anxiety is not my fault but my anxiety attacks are my responsibility, is not the same as saying that my hearing disability is my responsibility. One is physical and I can't do anything about, the other is mental. I can remove myself from situations that make me anxious and I can make sure that my mental state does not get that bad. I cannot make myself hear.
One thing I’ve learned is this: Nobody who cares about your health (mental, physical, emotional, doesn’t matter) will ever encourage you to get back into contact or tell you to contact someone who continuously hurt you, even if they’re “family”. Your real family is there to support you and help you heal from the bad things that happened.
Yes. Yes. They simply may not understand, truly, if they don't know what happened or if they don't know/understand how bad it was. But a good person can be made to understand by having it explained to them, or will respect being told it's a boundary, and will not persist in bothering you about it. They will accept that boundary as part of you and not question that it needs to be there. Been really lucky that both my partners have been wonderful about this.
So much of this is stuff my father does and I went no contact because of all this. It's one thing when a romantic partner or friend is like that, but when it's a parent, it's a different kind of evil, because all your life everyone tells you that you have to love and respect your parents no matter what they do. When I tell people I'm no contact with my father they say that I should just talk to him, give another chance, he's family after all. It sucks so much.
So sorry you had to deal with that. People tend to forget that not all family is blood. As long as you have a good support system, you’ll always have a family :)
My father is also like this. And no I’m not a psychologist, but he is absolutely a narcissist. We create our families. My blood family sucks for the most part, and I was also shamed for cutting contact. Others who don’t experience it will not understand, but I see you and I know some of that pain. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that
I had to go no contact with my narcissistic father too. People are so judgmental of that decision but at some point self-preservation has to come into play. I have never regretted my decision.
Nobody who cares about your mental and/or physical health will ever tell you to get back into contact with someone who continuously hurt you for their own benefit It took me a long time to learn that, but I hope it helps someone else
yeah my mother actually made good on the childhood death threats when i was forced to move in with her in adulthood (not move back in mind you, bc she did abandon me in childhood) and i lost $5000 when she tried to murder me, and i still have not gotten all of my belongings back, worth probably another $5000 at least, that i will never be able to afford to replace. and i will never get justice i have been told by multiple relevant professionals.
What a horrible mother, I am so so sorry about what you went through, words can't even describe the DISGUST I feel reading what she did to you. I hope you'll be able to heal, and I'm sorry you won't get the justice you deserve.
DO not call her your mother That woman is not your mother, she is merely the woman who birthed you She is not your mom, and she is not your mother She's a stranger
@@Archiver_Studio i call her my mother because she's never been a mom to me, but "biological mother" is too much of a mouthful and people wouldn't get it, so i shorten it to mother.
The damage isnt JUST when you’re a kid. It overflows into adulthood which will mess you up more when you realize what shes doing. Get therapy stay in it like i do. Lmao
my mom didnt understand why my panic attacks would completely disable me when they happened- UNTIL she experienced them herself. she started having panic attacks in my late teen years, and it was really a “i told you so” moment.
Yes! I just noticed them being in her videos a while back🙈 Like I saw them, but never thought it was the skzoo characters😆 I guess that is just a consequence of me being a baby stay (I think I would still be called that, like I know a lot about them and such, but still has only been around a year🙈✨️)
The skzoos are the entire reason I started watching this channel. The first video I watched started autoplaying while I was cleaning. I randomly looked at the screen and saw the giant Leebit. I also like to make up stories for their lives, based on which ones are where, and what they're wearing.
I needed to see this today. Thank you. I went no contact with my parents yesterday, and this morning I woke up and immediately felt so much guilt and started gaslighting myself into thinking it wasn't really that bad. But it was, and I really needed to hear other people's experiences that line up with my own to remember that. I remember once my brother and his girlfriend were having a disagreement because she wanted him to tell her he loved her more, and his defense was he says an "I love you" should be earned. What the actual fuck.
I've been no contact for 12 years now. Congrats and good luck. I never regretted my decision. Cutting my family off made my depression 80% better. I haven't had to be on meds since.
Oh my gosh, I totally understand your emotional struggle and I hope you find a better balance now ❤️. You deserve to live a life without toxicity. You made the good choice ❤️
Love should never be earned, but freely given. Given especially if a person fucks up (in normal things, red flags or cheating is not something that should be forgiven like that).
i know exactly what you mean. the first morning for me i felt happier than i had in a while, but then the next week i had multiple panic attacks and flashbacks and i considered undoing it. its been almost a year now. i think for the most part by the time you make this choice its probably long over due. its a hard decision to make
19:10 ish - When referring to the “it made you stronger” bs they like to spout, I like to respond with the “I was a child, I didn’t need to be stronger, I needed to be protected,” viral TikTok sound.
I heard someone say this years ago and it never left me: "its hard when you have a kid that is 'just like you were' and you realize how easy it is to love them"
I remember my mom telling me her excuse for how she treated me being "I thought you were just like me but worse." Knowing that there are people out there finding it so easy to love their kids that take after them so much, and treating them with human decency, it makes me happy knowing that there are parents out there stopping that cycle of abuse
"you're having kids specifically to cater to your needs!?" that's called EXPLOITATION!! if you have children solely to exploit them for whatever you can get out of them, that is evil!! there is something wrong with you!! some asshole: "you're not going to have kids? who's going to look after you when you get older?" me: "i would never force someone to exist without their consent just to exploit them for my own gain. what is wrong with you?"
cater to your needs!?" that's called EXPLOITATION!! " same for infanticide/womb-kills and or eugenics as my mother killed and SRS's( im intersexuality-born my grandparents and the law saving me by a week or less ) every XX combo's yes iv gone no contact with my mother( 3X divorce papers and 6+boyfriends ect ) around 17-25~yo/2009 era and currently working for it again ( called after being choked-out/DV-wife and dad's/gramp's advice to call/get-ideas ) dad is now the same way and or cancer'd-out/RIP at 19yo id have missed him but now nope wishing i was more upsetting about cancer/sickness but im not-eat... yes my mother used that i cary'd you wording's that's in the video and currently she's trying to steal my( 1870's forward to my dad's that she left as a open option 20 years ago, and yes she has a state/USA-governmental pension ect so she doesn't need my$$$ but im under poverty's and or leftovers from my divorce-papers ) net worth
@@richardprice5978 i wish i were aborted. i think abortion is always the correct option. i think forcing someone to exist without their consent is the absolute most evil thing you can do to another person. also your reply makes no sense wtf are you talking about. please don't elaborate bc i don't want to know. do not reply to me again i want absolutely nothing to do with you. take your pro-forced-birth opinions elsewhere
@@richardprice5978you know that line of thinking is killing hundreds of women and children across America at the moment yes? When does it become about the health of the mother? When does it become about the wellbeing of the child their parents didn't want?
As someone with a narcissistic mother, I really appreciate this video. I acknowledge that not all narcissists are shitty, abusive people. And many narcissists have been abused (and many do not harm others!!). My mom was actually abused as a child-she and everyone else around her uses it as an excuse for her harmful behaviors. Abuse should never be an excuse to hurt others, especially children. 💗💗💗
As someone who is a narcissist I 100% agree with your whole statement and hope you can find healing. Her trauma and abuse was never an excuse to abuse you.
There are unfortunately entire nations where it is a child's legal responsibility to care for their parents no matter how horrific they were. There have even been examples of parents who gave them up for adoption and when they found out they became financially successful they sued their biological child for not giving them financial support! They win in these lawsuits too! 😢
Disclaimer, I hate how anyone abusive is called a narcissist these days. The first video, though (if I ignore the "narcissist" label) -- oof so relatable. Especially the "making kids compete for love so that they don't have a close relationship with each other". I only became close to one of my siblings as adults; I still don't know who the other one is, at all. I stopped resenting them a long time ago as I realized it must have really sucked for them too, in spite of the few crumbs of very conditional affection they were receiving between two screaming fits (they were the golden child, I was the scapegoat) -- but, we have nothing at all in common. Strangely enough, they seem to be very nostalgic of their childhood. It's incomprehensible to me, they were clearly a victim too even though they didn't have it as bad as me. Home life was hell for all three kids.
Ooh, I remember one time my dad locked himself out of the house and couldn’t find the hidden key. So I got chewed out when I got home because sometimes I used it and forgot to put it back right away. I kept telling them I had put it away and eventually I went and looked in the spot and it was there. I just got a passing “oh guess I didn’t see it” and not an apology for getting yelled at.
22:30 that's the problem for me, on one hand, there is just no way my mom isn't aware of what she does, it must be intentional. but on the other hand, when she throws me scraps of love, it seems so genuine, i don't know what to believe. and honestly i'm so tired of being stuck in this loop, not even being able to trust my own senses
I learned to trust what my mother said when she was drunk or mad. It was the only time I saw the real her. Logic would tell me she only says she hates me and that I’m a mistake because her anger gets the better of her. Common sense tells me that’s what she always thinks and anger releases her inhibitions. It’s easier said than done and I know it’s hard, but letting go of needing your mother’s love and acceptance will bring you so much peace. And maybe one day, she’ll understand how she’s hurt you and will regret ever doing so. We can only hope they’ll feel bad someday. If you haven’t already, it may be possible to reconnect by asking her to discuss boundaries and hurtful words. If she’s willing to talk about those things, you probably have a good chance of mending your relationship. I hope the later is the case for you, not the former. Good luck, and don’t forget you have the right to say no and defend yourself. (Assuming you have a place to go, I know life sucks and sometimes you get stuck having to deal with a monster because you can’t leave. You’ll have to make decisions based on your needs and what’s safest for you to do)
@justalittleturtle5600 i am in one of those situations where cutting ties is not an option, but i also think (maybe foolishly) that my relationship with mom isn't a lost cause. she is, in fact, willing to talk, so maybe there is still salvaging this mess. thank you for giving me some food for thought, and i wish you well too
im a bit confused, the ones saying "im a narcissistic mom.." r they actually narcissistic moms and saying how they behave or r they ppl who grew up w narcissistic moms and r just sharing what they did kina a pov typ thing? im assuming its the second one
These do make me feel better about my own trauma especially when the topic is a 100% match w my mother. I appricate your videos they always bring a lot of comfort even if the topic is sad. Thank you:)
Super cathartic. It was almost funny seeing how accurate those TikTok’s in the beginning were. I can totally hear my mother saying all that crap. It’s funny how comforting it can be just to hear others say it. Like, oh my god, you understand me perfectly, thank you.
I'm hoping the best for every child with any parent who maybe wasn't the best (any part of the spectrum of not being the best) All kids deserve parents but not all parents deserve their kids
my parents used to say I was unappreciative because they would give me stuff and then hold it against me and treat me like shit and I would call them out on it. They were right. I was unappreciate. lol. Cut them off 12 years ago. I've heard through family members that they wish I'd come back and they miss me. Never enough to reach out and apologize though. Because they don't think they did anything wrong. They just magically want me to get over it. Lol hell no!
28:58 An example of this is my friend, her mother taught her that popping and squeezing pimples helps to get rid of them. She just learnt that you’re not supposed to do that. This isn’t about the pimples.
I'm so glad my mumther is a normal person. She loves me unconditionally, despite all my problems. Shout out to all the good mumthers! Edit: Not to say that you're a bad person just because you are narcissistic. Everyone has their struggles.
Thank you for this, especially since I know not all of us with NPD are abusive but I understand some are and I wish healing for everyone abused, by someone with clinical NPD or not.
oh my god. this just reminded me of this one time my brother used the word "momther" like you did here but like just to be funny and she screamed "what did you call me" and was extremely upset by it for some reason. we ended up getting a lecture by stepdad on "not calling your mom names" 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀
@@narcissisticmomoi some possibly and or the right environmental factors can help( or hurting, Irish wife and or me/hard-Assss wasn't as good at monogamous marriage contract-styles and yes my mothers family+USA law's-ect did pressure me to copying them, rather than being a happier open-queer and parents/ing, being single-lifestyle's my friends/family noticed im grumpy ect aka not as pleasant to hangout with ect ), im not sure why i have a typical 5ft~140'lb's/cuteness older ( 21-36~yo )/same-gen-as-me ?NPD? and bi-sexually and Irish/Scotland/Russian's/Jewish/Italian( aka stereotypes about angery and or sassy+loyalty and still like being super-femininely/motherhood types )( one was a native/1st-nation NE-USA but that's mostly from wife's bestie/bi-partner ) type it's not like i read there bio( or hire someone to find it ect ) and thinking to myself perfect-date/wife if anything at 9yo to now id might get cold-feet and run-away more so at 15~25yo~ as mentality illness and or LGBTQIA+ ( ironically im polly marriage types and i knowledge that at 4~yo and at 9-19yo i tried shaming myself ect, and after getting married i found out my boomer-gen mother's secrets of my zoomer*birth and or her eugenics program to delete every XX combo and and or SRS-them aka me, and yes theoretically i still can have kids-DNA but not a guaranty and or more challenging ) wasn't something you wanted to mention in western state's USA 2008~era my experience with narcissism is go find the narcan lolz and or not friends or coworkers material, now if someone is interested/trying to be in good faith and upfront about being a narcissist and holding themselves accountable even when it's not convenient ect that would probably challenge my mindset's about chronically being depressed or narcissistic or NPD ect, still wouldn't date/wife a setsofena/or sycophantic-darkness as im never sure about the switches flipped and or my kids ending up with-it as a cursed ect i can at times be the bottom prince-book aka macavalin ( and swingers on the bottom( mostly left-corner or more often to central, and or balanced-humanitarian aka not acting as dark triad-type ) rail, aka not a narcissist+sycophantic combo's or individuality-traces ) and or hermit-crabs/intervert and wealth/gold-holding social-types but i try to keep that to a healthy lifestyle/minimum and my wife's also tended to be more outgoing and or spend-friendly and definitely more emotional than me
@@petrichorbonesstaaaap. Why would that upset her? 😭 My brother jokingly called our mom "mot-her" and it somehow became some silly running joke in the family 😂
My parents (mostly my mom) have never taken my mental health seriously and always treated my "outbursts" from struggling as an inconvenience but, now that my mom is struggling with her mental health, I have to be the one to let her vent to me despite it hurting my mental health. 🙃
Do we have the same mom lol. But seriously, I swear my mom treated me worse after I got diagnosed with anxiety. But when life gets too stressful for her it's my job to be her little therapist. Like, no, that's not okay 🙂
So, I've sent this to my best friend, cuz I felt she could relate to a lot of this... And hopefully help her understand more of what she's gone through and hopefully find more energy to heal, to understand this is something she can't help that she's been dealing with this all her life
You are absolutely right. The world needs more therapy. I love your videos. The world needs more loving, loving people like you. You are always intelligent
Shoutout from a person with BPD and a father with diagnosed narcissism~ He died before I could get closure for how he genuinely ruined the lives of my entire family and I’m still mad about it (:
I have NPD and BPD and I believe my father also has BPD. I totally understand this, I hope you can find healing as unfortunately unless he also sought help, he probably would not have given much closure. Wishing you good luck.
I wish I didn't understand most of these. I'm the scape goat child, whenever I've brought up anything negative to my mom (Dad's pretty absent) she just pulls up the defensive "So I'm the worst mother out there" and acts like I owe her for adopting me, because apparently nobody else would've wanted me? Idk.
Whenever my parents say "I guess I'm just a horrible parent" I'll act like I agree with them 💀 I know it's kinda harsh, but hey, they said it. I'll just refuse to play along with their guilt trip
@@biscutboi813 man, that sucks. My parents are the only ones that ever guilt trip me, and for some weird reason it almost comes naturally for me to just tell them they're bad (I think I'm just weird lol). I hope you do get to the point where you aren't affected by them guilt tripping you. My parents doing it does affect me, but for some reason I just react to it differently. Being guilted sucks tho
@MoodyMickey I'm getting better, they kinda conditioned me to be a doormat but I've got some spine now. Guilt tripping isn't crazy common as I don't engage with them often unless it's necessary.
I feel so many moms are going no contact with their moms because they start to see the same toxic behavior towards their kids. It's different when you watch it happen to someone else. It wasn't until I had a 2nd child & I watched mom try to pit them against each other that I was done.
28:35 Literally, I've had "friends" (not really anymore) who were raised by horrifically emotionally abusive and/or negligent mothers. And they would always say that me expressing my feelings was "not accountability" (meanwhile sharing some of their feelings all the time with me, especially about their mothers--and proceeding to say I never listened or understood them...nvm we were up till 3-4 am talking and comforting each other) and stonewall me when I would just ask if anything was wrong, if I could help or change my behaviour to aid them, etc. I usually got the silent treatment, or told EVERYTHING was my fault and I was harming them constantly--but if I asked what I was doing that hurt them...there was no answer ,it was just "well you;ll never change! You hurt me." very vague. But when asked if they wanted to talk about it or if I could do anything, including giving space (I just needed to know 'cause I can't read minds...) they'd say they wanna talk but can't because of me, because I was "Scary" and would invalidate them. Yeah...lots of projection, especially when they claimed I did things that I knew for I fact I couldn't do even if I wanted to, but knew their mothers had done to them. I know I'm not perfect, and there were certainly times I could have done better...exactly why I got therapy and still do so I can be emotionally mature and give people the love and care they deserve, including myself. Never was given the chance to even rectify it in any way, or was told things were fine only for them to drop emotional bombs in text and run or to just explode at me at seemingly random. They never shared their deeper feelings anymore, then got mad I didn't fully understand them (like, you gotta let me in to do that, but I'm not gonna force you to, soooo....what, you want me to MAKE you?? Not really...healthy.) despite me trying to make it a very safe space and having helped them before with crisis events including having no house in the school district or breakups from abusive partners, having had long coversations of back and forth confiding, etc. I hope they get therapy, but I am so done with people like that. I can't give my all in a relationship, try to help them, and then be treated like dirt as if all of their issues are on me (when they are not), just because someone else in their life did that to them. They need help I cannot give, and won't willingly receive from me. And, I frankly cannot take being treated as a punching bag for months or years. I fucking tried, I wanted to help, but I was never given the chance, and I won't waste my energy on people that only want to harm me and perpetuate cycles instead of self reflection. I have much better friends now, who were also my friends then, and we have much healthier communication and are able to talk about things as needed, or put up boundaries when we can't. We are able to check in on the other person before dumping anything, and we don't send paragraphs to each other about how the other person is the problem always and "can't be fixed". Because we know that only hurts people, including ourselves and doesn't fix the actual issues.
For dads you could do the emotionally available aspect for dads who clearly are not present in their kids lives or show affection towards their children
I feel like there are so many of these that can be similar for emotionally immature parents, but many that are not present that show the key differences between that and actual narcissism. I say this and think it's important because emotional immaturity can often be rectified (with a good therapist) but narcisissm is much more difficult to deal with and get help for. (At least in my experiences)
16:47 This is why I do not believe in the concept of "good people" and "bad people." I have people in my family who buy into this kind of black and white thinking, and it drives me crazy. This one person just cannot hear any kind of criticism at all, no matter how mild or constructive, without getting angry and saying, "You just think I'm this horrible person!" And I'll have to explain all over again there there aren't horrible people and wonderful people, and that every human being has the capacity for doing positive things and negative things.
i remember when i was diagnosed with depression (i was like… 14) and we were leaving, my mom decided to turn it around and make it abt her. she said smth abt how if it wasn’t for me and my brother she woulda killed herself
my parents got divorced when i was young, and i never saw my mom again. but, this is just like my dad. he's always the victim and will never hear that he's ever done anything wrong, and he has apologized to me honestly (with no whitty quip or scathing remark) once in my entire life. and, when i tell him he was always aggressive and he never was compassionate, he doesn't even understand what that means.
These first clips just felt like they were talking to my childhood specifically. There needs to be a license you need to work for first, before you're ever even be allowed to have kids. Me and my brother are both mentally fucked, with me, having had the biggest mental issues since I was the rebelliius child and fought back, so I took the brunt of the abuse. I'm 36 now and my mental and physical health are so bad that I simply struggle to even take care of myself. Our mother did not teach me ANYthing. If I was allowed to help out with something and I did it wrong at the first attempt, I was NEVER allowed to try again because I'm "too stupid". I was also barely allowed anything as achild/teen. Sleep overs, going anyhwere that did not involve church activities (because she had an image to upkeep with her church buddies), basically going anywhere I could have had the smalles amount of fun. She would have loved to outlaw me having friends at all. And when I asked why I wasn't allowed this or that, guess what she answered? "Because I said so." One of the biggest issues that I have to live with is lack of enjoyment in basically anything. Since I did not receive any type of praise or encouragement/appreciation, I seek validation in anything I do or want to try out... combined with the perfectionism that it gave me as well, I can't do anything without the anxiety of making mistakes, as well as never being sure if I actually enjoy the things I want/am doing, or if I only seek praise to make me feel better.
Oh god, that sucks so much. Your childhood sounds so much like mine. I had the same look on life with validation, perfectionism, and apathy in everything I did. I was also super depressed when dealing with the apathy though, so maybe get checked for that. I didn’t realize until much too late in my life that I had others who loved and supported me. I’ve learned to accept praise and take pride in my work because of my grandmother (who took me in after I left home). I had to make a choice every time someone complimented me to believe them and thank them. I had to make a choice every time I did something to say “this is good. I am good.” even when I didn’t believe. I finally started believing it, just a little recently. I’ve been so much happier. I don’t see ugly and worthless me in the mirror anymore. I’m also struggling less to hear and reciprocate the words “I love you”. I used to cry whenever I heard them, but now I can say them back to my grandmother. You’ll find your people someday. They’re there, you just can’t see them. I had so many, yet thought I was completely alone for decades. You are worth so much more than you realize. You’re not as flawed as you think. There are people who love and admire you. You have already done so many amazing things. You just won’t allow yourself to believe it. I’ve said this to others many times, and I’ll say it again. *It’s okay to love yourself :)*
13:00 litterally when my mom would do that id be like yeah you are that why im telling you how i feel. And shed get soooo mad bc i didn't just apologize for "hurting her feelings" and usually it was paired with "i should just run away!" And i was like yeah you do that we don't need you. And she never ran away... Shocker almost like you're trapped in a situation you don't like and want to leave but can't. Funny. Almost like we only have 1 source of income and you have a 20+ year gap in your résumé and cant get any other job. We are trapped here and you chose to externalize your pain onto us when its not our business and not our fate. You chose this.
My mom would say "I guess I'll just go to work then." And would cry!!! And I'd say "have fun at work!" I just never wanted to deal with my parents guilt tripping bs
One moment that keeps replaying in my head these last few weeks: I was still living at home, either freshly graduated from high school or finishing up my last year (18). I had been struggling for years at this point to pick out what I wanted to got to college for and after visiting a college that summer, thinking it over and finally working on getting the courage to tell my parents their response has stuck with me for years. I went up and told them that I had been thinking about going to college for Architecture, without missing a beat they both shared with me that since math wasn’t something I was known for being good at that I should pick something different to major in. Didn’t even ask if I wanted help or to get help to improve my math skills. I never went to college, I’m currently not speaking with my family and luckily they haven’t reached out either.
People can have narcissistic tendencies and characteristics without being diagnosed with npd and it's important to recognizing that. It has nothing to do with villainizing anybody, it's about acknowledging the harm that antagonistic people often do to those around them. If you believe somebody in your life may be narcissistic, I hope you find peace, and I'd strongly recommend Dr. Ramani Durvasula's book, "It's Not You", or Stephanie M. Kriesberg's book, "Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers." Both offer support and advice whether you want to continue or end the relationship.
Anecdote: I have a friend who once said "please stop talking about feminism, because if I learn too much I won't be able to turn a blind eye and I won't be able to get along with my family and that's not safe for me". I thought that was a little weird. But I get it. Watching this video. Because I know if I actually confront the fact that my mom who's totally not a narcissist and totally doesn't exhibit so many of the behaviours exemplified in this video I'd be homeless. So it's real lucky I don't have to confront that because it doesn't exist.
Those TikToks in the beginning where people were “cosplaying” a narcissistic moms gave me whiplash. They played my mother so well, a lot of stuff was word for word what she’s said, like oh my god.
I don't really have narcissistic traits but I do have another personality disorder and damn am I basically incapable of breaking out of black and white thinking about myself...this is all good reinforcement that I was correct in deciding not to have kids.
totally agree, i disagree with the idea of NPD abuse but as someone with NPD unless i take some major advancements in my healing i would NEVER have kids and i wish some of these ACTUAL NPD parents thought this way, too
Phooooowee love this giving flashbacks to when anytime I'd be upset of cry my mom would just say "oh the trauma" in a mocking tone. Picking the side of my bully because her mom and mine were friends so I was in the wrong!!!
Wow I didn't realise how much I needed to hear all this, from the video to the comments. Truly thank you for making this. Thank you to everyone who made me feel seen and heard, without me even needing to say a word.
Very glad I got parents willing and able to do family therapy. Who's issues were unresolved trauma and lack of emotional maturity due to how they were raised, stuff that is/was fixable and able to be worked on. I am glad...every single, day. Things have improved so much for all of us with all of us getting help for our trauma.
"You can love someone and acknowledge they hurt you." Hits so deep in my soul because my dad was a major alcholic throught out my tween and teen years, it was only until I was about 17 that he started to get sober and we started healing. But unfortantly he passed from cancer about two months before I turned 18 and trying to accept and greve a man who for a lot of times was barely there mentally and not even be an adult is fucking hard and its still something I struggle with to this day.
What's weird is my relationship with my parents (at least until my teen years) was actually idyllic, while I was punished I was never abused. My parents encouraged me in my interests and I never lacked their love, support, or time. Despite this my Mom definitely used the "I bought you into this world, don't make me take you out of it." line on more than one occasion, we didn't take it seriously but I can see how to someone for whom the threat of violent abuse is more real that could carry weight.
I'm...gonna be honest, I don't really like this already. I like the idea of bringing up and acknowledging the abuse mothers like this do but...I don't like the idea of such a supportive, progressive channel once again equating NPD to "narcissist abuse." I have NPD and watching people compare my disorder to their abusers for portraying,,,abuser traits is actually gut-wretching, and makes it so much harder to reach out. Feel free to ignore me or my comment, I know most might dismiss it as classic narcissist behaviour (which, I understand I can't really defend myself because of my disorder) but I just wanted to share my thoughts. I wish healing to all of you who had mothers like these, though. You deserved so much better than being abused and hurt just for her own gain and desire for control. Final edit: thank you Sav for changing the video title. I'm not replying to any extra replies considering having to try and explain why using my diagnosis as an abuse label was extremely triggering and my mental state is, quite obviously, fragile. Thank you to those who actually took the time to read this as a perspective from a recovering narcissist and again, I wish all of you healing whether or not your parent has NPD and abused you. You deserve healing and love.
@@avery4818 Thank you. It's just difficult. I'll tell someone everything my family did to me but their reactions change based on if I call them narcissistic vs. myself. It's like my disorder takes away any credibility in people's minds yet they're also the same people to say "stop demeaning disorders like autism!" It hurts. Especially the idea that ours is "different" and "worse" even though almost every single abuser I know has portrayed narcissistic traits (AKA literally just not accepting the fact that they're abusive) and I KNOW not every single abuser in my life has NPD so...
No, literally. I don't have NPD, but I 100% agree. Hell, I doubt most of these people featured ARE narcissists, they're just playing into stereotypes to get interaction, and it's so annoying.
i'm really glad people in the comments are pointing this out. i always feel crazy when a creator posts a video about "narcissistic abuse" and i scroll down to the comments and nobody is pointing it out
no you're right. I think anyone, no matter what disorder they have has a right to be upset seeing their disorder discussed the way that narcissism is. I really feel for people with npd in the discussion around narcissistic abuse because it's so easy for people to overstep and say something incredibly ableist and hurtful, but people with npd can't point that out without it being contributed to their disorder. it feels very dehumanising, like you guys aren't allowed to express your emotions the way everyone else is.
I'm already no contact with my mother, but god, after years of wondering what went wrong, this has been a genuinely helpful video when it comes to realizing just HOW much of what she did wasn't normal.
I feel terrible about my mother. She does nearly all of these things and I always thought it was my fault. She always talks about herself when she wants to give an example of who she wants me to be and always looks down on what I do when I’m proud of myself cause ‘it doesn’t compare to her’
I didnt realize how much my mothers borderline personality affected me until now. I started crying at the "maybe it will be different this time". I always hope im not unintentionally causing my children the same type of harm with my bipolar disorder that was unrecognized so untreated for many years. I dont ever wanna be the reason my kids cant form healthy relationships or need therapy or anything.
I suggest you’d change the title to something like “bad parent drama”. By throwing around the term “narcissistic” to refer to people being awful, that’s just stigmatizing people with NPD even further.
While I agree for the most part, they did gather information from people who have narcissistic parents (unless I'm misunderstanding something) and changing the title is disingenuous when the videos show people saying "I'm a narcissistic mother" and is probably best for people who don't want to hear about narcissistic parents or narcissism in general they can avoid it from just the title without having to click and watch a TW then decide not to watch it. I do understand I'm bipolar I think it's weird when people use it to say "oh you're grumpy or moody" but if someone was to say in a title "rude person drama" and the content is people saying I'm bipolar so when I'm mean to you it's not my fault the title is misleading. For the record I'm not saying you're wrong or anything I do think you're focusing on the wrong thing. I do think they could have done a better job saying this trend does continue to stigmatize people suffer from narcissism the word comes up so much removing it from the title isn't contributing to that stigmatization however the people making "I'm a narcissistic mother pay more attention to me" videos are contributing.
Apology for validation is so easy to handle though. Like people try it but all you have to do is validate what their saying not what they want you to say "I'm sorry I'm such a bad mother and nothing I did was good enough for you" "I accept your apology. Hopefully you can improve your behavior in the future." Watch them never try that shit again
My estranged sister is a malignant narcissist and has histrionic personality disorder (she's been diagnosed since she was 14 yet refuses to see anyone for treatment/therapy even though she's been given every opportunity to do so) She is estranged for the way she treated our mom, me, my 2 daughters, and her own 4 kids. Her eldest 2 kids are 0 contact with her because of how she basically ignored them and prioritized her wants/needs and those of her husband (her eldest 2 had different dad's than the younger 2 who she and her husband had together). Seeing how differently my eldest nephew and niece act compared to my daughters is heartbreaking and I can never forgive my sister for the unnecessary psychological/emotional neglect and other things she put those kids through.
i think the title of this video is a bit of an issue. NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) is a mental disorder often caused by genetics and by trauma. pathologizing abusive and toxic people doesn't do anything except reinforce stereotypes about mental illness and redirect the blame of toxic behavior onto their "brain" instead of their active choice to behave toxically. edit: people who are toxic and abusive shouldnt be referred to as "narcissistic." the concept of "narcisstic abuse" and "narcisstic behavior" stems from a fundamental misunderstanding of what narcissism *is.* npd *is* narcissism. its like saying that focusing on keeping things clean is "so ocd." *no,* it *isnt.* just like how ocd isnt *actually* germaphobia and a need for symmetry (although that can be part of it at times), narcissism isnt *actually* toxic and abusive behavior (although that can be part of it at times.)
Thank you. I have NPD and seeing content like this from progressive creators absolutely destroys me, seeing people perpetuate the "abusive narcissist" idea. It makes it so damn hard to seek professional health both due to fear and the fact that psychiatrists hate us.
I know this doesn't mean much, but I absolutely side with both of you. I don't have NPD, but BPD. I hate when people do shit like this. I support both of yall
@@coki3_crumle670 Thank you. I unfortunately have both comorbid (which I did not learn until my NPD symptoms got out of hand and I found out) and I understand completely especially with the way BPD is romanticised until it's ACTUALLY disordering. I support you too
people have pointed this out already but i think it's important to say; using the term "narcissistic abuse" is considered harmful and ableist toward people with narcissistic personality disorder, npd (a disorder which usually forms as a result of abuse; a lot of people with npd are abuse survivors, i know several) obviously abuse is not okay, whether a person really does have npd or not, but call it what it is-abuse. equating narcissism to abusive behavior isn't okay, in the same way that equating borderline personality disorder to abuse isn't okay, or calling people bipolar as an insult
I do think it’s important to note that sometimes narcissism can be abusive. Selfishness, lack of empathy, grandiosity, and belittling are often found in cases of NPD. Now if all those things present themselves in a mother, I think it makes sense to call them narcissistic, as an adjective. I wouldn’t call them narcissists, since Im not a doctor, but they ARE displaying similar traits to those described in the DSM-5. Yes, it’s abuse, but it’s a specific type of abuse, and having a disorder is not an excuse for being abusive.
I think it’s more about abuse caused by extreme selfishness which doesn’t necessarily correspond to npd, which is about severe self-image problems. It’s a really unfortunate name that should be more disconnected. We do need better terms.
I think it’s important for victims of narcissistic abuse to be able to relate to what they’ve experienced. My ex with diagnosed NPD nearly killed me. I was beaten, degraded, r*ped, locked out of my house, gaslighted. Without content like this, I wouldn’t have had the courage to leave. My ex and his parents had hidden the diagnosis because they were afraid that he would be stigmatized. I only learned after I escaped because his sister opened up after learning about the physical abuse. Their fear of having their baby boy stigmatized nearly cost me my life. I’ll have life long scars and health issues because they wanted to avoid the consequences of a diagnosis. So no. I have no empathy for people with NPD. Being a victim themselves does not excuse them victimizing others. I don’t care if people think that makes me a bad person. They can pay back my medical bills resulting from the abuse or the tens of thousands of dollars my ex stole from me throughout the years.
that second lady's tiktok was basically just a list of the exact things my mom use to say to me when i lived at home. now I only talked to my parents once a week so she doesn't get much of a chance to say those sorts of things. i did call yesterday and she told me that i look just like she did at my age just slightly a less pretty version.
12:50 my mother does that thing and it worked on me for a long time, but I remember once I was just,, so so so done I couldn't even try to comfort her, I don't think I even said a single word, she was outright crying and this resentment rose in me because of all the uncountable times I cried all alone because of the way she treated me and all the times I was crying because of other terrible things in my life and wanted someone there for me and she never was. So I decided on emotional warfare. I silently went to the kitchen, got her a glass of water and brought it to her. And once it hit her she never did that for me, I just walked away.
I don't see why it's so hard to talk about abuse and not make it about NPD. Most people don't do this with any other disorder besides NPD. Would you call an abuser with depression a "depressive abuser," or just an abuser? Would you call getting abused by someone with autism "autistic abuse," or just abuse? Your disclaimer doesn't change the stigma and abuse people with NPD face with the rhetoric YOU'RE helping spread that they're all evil or abusive. You just don't have any reason to make it about their condition. It should be obvious that that contributes to abelism towards them.
28:20 'everytime i say that you have upset me suddenly you're the victim? And I've done something wrong?' damn, i was five when my parents divorced and became the one emotionally taking care of my mom, i felt like it was my responsibility to regulate her emotions and doing everything i could to cheer her up, making it my number one need. I believe she honestly loves me more than anything or anyone else in this world and needs me. She never noticed how much i was hurting and that what she did wasn't creating a healthy 'mother-daughter' relationship but a relationnship in which she was providing basic human needs (thought food is a more complicated topic but im not gonna go into that rn) ,but besides i was taking care of her because i was also dependent on if/ how she was struggling. I felt like I was given attention/ love when she wasnt doing okay (me consulting her) and when I made her happy/ fought her battles. Its so hard for me to tell her when she is hurting me/ hurt me when i was a child/ teen because i still feel like her emotional wellbeing is my responsibility and seeing her upset will hurt me as well. I really love her and she is important to me, at the same time there is so much rage and pain, im still the little kid just wanting my mom to be okay. It took the past two years to work through this with my therapist and its a long way to go but i am so so proud of myself. (edit: grammar)
cutting ties was the best decision of my life. I can have empathy for these parents to a degree, but empathy and understanding doesn't mean allowing parents to hurt you
I think i great topic that can be talked about fathers could be how some have a very emotionally incestuous relationship with they daughters I have seen some tik toks were it can get very weird.
Omg! My mom does that “I’m sorry for not being a good enough mom” thing any time I criticize or disagree with her. I’m in therapy to help come to terms with the fact that my family is super toxic.
"You're not a person until you're 18" - my mother, I moved away from her about two years ago, she hasn't talked to me in months and when she does I'm "unresponsive"... She threatened to not come to my graduation which I fail to see as a negative.
Not *my* mom, but that first tiktoker, as soon as she said "seemingly loving grandmother, but only to one grandkid" I was absolutely walloped with "oh, that's my paternal grandmother." she has a favorite kid, everyone knows it, and she has favorite grandkids as well (that kid's kids). my brothers fall through the cracks. I was the baby girl for 20 years, so I was treated completely differently from them (until my little cousin was born, there were three granddaughters and nine grandsons, seven of whom came after me). She's straight up lied about my dad being the main reason the family business is so successful, and brothers and I think it's at least partially bc Dad puts Mom and the three of us kids before his siblings/parents (as he should! his primary responsibility is to the family he built, not the one he was born into).
The one about not letting the daughter take her own stuff and then putting it outside the next day so she can be in control is so real. When I moved out, my mother physically fought me over my own cat and refused to let me take her with me. I had to leave without my cat that day bc she started threatening to call the police. Next day she showed up at my doorstep out of nowhere with my cat AND my younger sibling's cat bc she claimed they couldn't be separated (they are litter mates but by this time were very independent from each other). So she dumped an extra cat on me bc she wanted to make me look like the bad guy to my sibling. All because she wanted to be in control. It didn't work, and I brought back my sibling's cat the next day when mom wasn't home, and she gave up after that. But it was still one of the wildest schemes she ever came up with.
There is a Dad on TikTok who lern everything about make-up because he wants to can talk about that with his doughters 💝 so called "dad lerns makeup" or something like that. I do not have TT, I've heard from him during a vid from a german youtuber.
"It's your fault that it's my fault!" seems to be what that horseshit boils down to. My favorite move is when you stand up to them and say "No, you're not a bad person but you hurt me just now!" and they full on break down crying because they're so sorry they hurt you and feel sooooo guilty. Then they go right back to doing the thing and claim to not remember the fucking conversation. I do not miss living with the person who did that shit to me. And I don't put up with it anymore. "Oh so I'm a terrible person?" "Okay. If you say so." "So you hate me!" "I don't, but okay." "I can't believe you're treating me like this!" "Well, then I should go. Love you! Bye!" And they text you 30,000 times. Fucking hell.
Phillip Larkin wrote 'This be the Verse' half a century ago. But I think realizing that your parents "fill you the faults they had / and add some extra just for you" is a very old and common human experience. And I hate that.
this video could not be more topical for me lmao, defo didn't just reach out to my mother after 4 years and being homeless at 16. fr if she goes back to making everything about her again im out because she still hasn't accepted her and my father kinda messed me up until i left and healed myself. 'at least you know no one will never hurt you more than me out there' is such an ewww comment mothers repeat. ty 4 the vid lol
here to clarify in case i did a poor job in the video: narcissism ≠ abusive. this video is about people who don't seek help and then make their mental health the problem of their children. the same way almond mums make their eating disorders their children's problems.
you are not a bad person if you have npd. you can have children and be a good parent if you have npd. the problem is that a lot of people don't seek help and don't care about how their actions affect people, and that's has negative repercussions, and that expands out into mental health as a whole.
as someone with bdp i understand the frustration when people assume you're abusive and that was not my intention and i apologise to anyone i may have upset. it is never my intention to villainise mental illness and i will be more wary going forwards.
I get what you mean but if you made a video titled "bipolar moms" no one would believe you when you said you were only referring to abusive moms who take out their bipolar disorder on their children, when you use myths drummed up by a bunch of culty grifters for views you're gonna get called out so I don't know why you're acting surprised, no one was holding a gun to your head forcing you to make this video
There are unfortunately entire nations where it is a child's legal responsibility to care for their parents no matter how horrific they were. There have even been examples of parents who gave them up for adoption and when they found out they became financially successful they sued their biological child for not giving them financial support! They win in these lawsuits too! 😢
@@TheQueerKiwi I personally think you made it perfectly clear in the video, however some people are just reading the title and making assumptions about what you're going to say in the video without actually watching it.
"in case?" you labeled the video "Narcissistic Mothers." 😟
some people already said this but you should consider taking it down or at least changing the title.
thanks for acknowledging that you used harmful language though, i really enjoy your videos
"Hey, you did this really traumatizing thing and it messed with me." "Yeah, but I don't do that anymore." "I mean, I know, but it affects me still and-" "My dad beat me."
This is too real for me. I swear I had the exact same conversation with my mom, except she just justifies the thing that traumatized me and continues to do it.
My mom pulled this on me more than once; until I responded with, so did mine, while you stood around and did nothing except continue forcing me to go to his house.
My dad tried this shit with me once after the years of shit he put us all through, guess who ended up estranged? 😂
See, this is a fair example of what an abuser with NPD would do. That's horrible. If you went through that, I'm very sorry and I wish you recovery. Their trauma excuses nothing.
Yeah, knowing my parents' abusive childhoods were so much worse than mine didn't make mine any easier to handle. It was a big factor in my decision to be childfree. If I worked my ass off to be better than my parents and still ended up hurting my kids, I'd never be able to live with it.
When I had a child my entire thought process was, “he didn’t decide to be here, I decided to have him. He owes me nothing. Not even blind obedience.” He’s only 20 months, but he is so sweet, silly, empathetic, kind, smart. I can’t wait to see him continue to grow and develop into his own person. It’s so fun.
Being a parent is such a privilege, yet people treat it as a burden and blame their kids for a decision the kid didn’t make.
Sweetness like yours should be the baseline, but since we are here discussing awful mothers, I'll just say your baby is lucky to have you. ❤
@ I’m lucky to have him. Truly. 🤍
That’s great! “You didn’t choose to be here, so I’m going to show you how amazing it is.” 👌
My family refused to acknowledge that I'm mentally ill.... both my mom and my grandma said "it's just a hormonal imbalance in your brain- it's not a mental illness" 😅😅😅 I literally had to explain to them that it's literally what an illness can be
More mom's need to be like Melania Trump - she's an amazing and inspiring woman
Literally the definition of multiple mental illnesses! ADHD, MDD, schizophrenia…
Technically diabetes is a hormone imbalance. Insulin is a hormone. Perhaps that's the truth bomb that your family needs to hear? Either way, I'm sorry they don't take your mental illness seriously. That sucks.
hormonal imbalances in the brain are literally the cause of some mental illness though T_T like, for example, bipolar is caused by a hormonal imbalance in the brain
My mom wanted multiple kids, but fertility problems meant she only had one: me.
I am so glad that I am my mother's only child. I'm still healing from the hurt all these years later, but at least she never got the chance to hurt more kids.
Same. I was “lucky number eight”. Whenever I mention that my mom had six miscarriages and my older sister only lived two days, people are always saying, “oh she’s so lucky and we’re all so lucky you’re here!”
And I’m just thinking, “well at least you think so because she’s never made me feel that way”.
I joke that I’m the “only child and the unwanted child” 🙃
Yeah my mom always dearly wanted more children but I was the only one that took root. No idea if she just miscarried early enough that she didn't know she was pregnant or if no others honestly began but it was just me. But she was very poor, made bad decisions, and became an uncontrollable alcoholic as I got older and while I've forgiven her for the most part now that she's nearly 9 years sober, she did a lot of harm to me growing up and I'm quietly grateful I didn't need to look out for another sibling at the same time. One of my best friends is an eldest daughter who had to protect her younger siblings for several years from the emotional abuse and parental fighting.
My mother had five miscarriages before me. I sometimes envy the lucky bastards who didn't make it. I don't understand wanting children so bad only to severely abuse them and hate their guts.
I had to look at the username and make sure I didn't write this. 9 years they tried to have me. 1 nearly fatal miscarriage. And yet they hated me.
My dad also hates the label thing. When I first told him about my ADHD diagnosis he was accepting and was like 'that makes sense ' then the next time my ADHD came up he went on a rant about why do young people need to put labels on everything... And wouldn't accept that it helps me feel better.
My dad said I use my health as a reason for everything. I have mental health diagnoses and he couldn’t handle it . I am physically disabled now after nde last year and he dealt with that better but I know it annoys him
My parents do the same thing! They all 'agree' that I have ADHD but when I ask when I can go to a therapist to help with my problems they claim that Im doing just fine right now and don't need it OR that i can't go because there are no good ones and their just going to give me meds. Yeah I may be doing 'fine' right now but i am crying in a stall every other day at school because I don't want to screw up and "thats totally normal everyone your age goes through that!" BRO IF THATS EVEN SLIGHTLY TRUE WHY IS OUR GENERATION SO TRAUMATIZED THEN?!?!
Something that I think is important to maybe add to your caveat at the beginning on talking about abusive mothers more than abusive fathers is that we more readily accept the idea of an abusive father societally, but not an abusive mother. The idea or trope of an abusive father is very much something that is in the social consciousness, whereas abusive mothers is something we are only recently building better awareness around (which coincides with better awareness of more subtle kinds of abuse, like emotional and mental and financial). That I think is an important aspect to bring up.
I think one of my favourite lines regarding mental health issues is Taylor Tomlinson discussing her Bipolar disorder, where her therapist tells her "You don't have to say you ARE bipolar, you could say you HAVE bipolar disorder." and she's like "And to me that sounded like she was saying 'I said you were BEING a bitch!' "
Lol this is actually exactly how I've requested family and friends talk to me during confrontation. Tell me I'm BEING or ACTING a certain way and it won't trigger a defensive response for whatever reason. Telling me I AM something I guess comes across as too absolute, and all I can do is say "no, you!"
@@onlinewhy It really does make a difference. It's "You behaviour right now is this" vs "I view you and your character as this consistently."
@@ErutaniaRoseTHIS. The 'right now I see/am experiencing you doing x' vs 'x is an intrinsic part of your being' is such an important distinction
thats a very good mindset she brought up. you ARENT that thing but you are ACTING like that thing.
Taylor Tomlinson is unironically one of my favorite comedians because she is able to talk openly about her mental illness and is able to put into words things that are both funny but also actually helpful to others
Something i heard recently in regards to things like mental health issues that cause people to unintentionally harm others "while it is not your fault, it is your problem and responsibility" and as someone with extreme emotional disregulation issues due to ADHD, that really drove it home for me
100% true as a narc, if I hurt someone thats MY responsibility
I disagree. If something is not your fault, then why should it be your responsibility? That's just not fair.
@@OzCrocI agree for sure, but unfortunately some things we are still responsible for even when we did not ask for them. If I lash out at someone because I feel rejected (due to my RSD), and I hurt that person, it’s still my responsibility to accept that I hurt them.
@@roxywolfe But you have a condition so you can't help it. That's like saying it's someone in a wheelchair's responsibility to walk. Seems ableist if you ask me.
@OzCroc that's different because of a lot of things
Saying that my anxiety is not my fault but my anxiety attacks are my responsibility, is not the same as saying that my hearing disability is my responsibility.
One is physical and I can't do anything about, the other is mental. I can remove myself from situations that make me anxious and I can make sure that my mental state does not get that bad. I cannot make myself hear.
One thing I’ve learned is this:
Nobody who cares about your health (mental, physical, emotional, doesn’t matter) will ever encourage you to get back into contact or tell you to contact someone who continuously hurt you, even if they’re “family”. Your real family is there to support you and help you heal from the bad things that happened.
Yes. Yes.
They simply may not understand, truly, if they don't know what happened or if they don't know/understand how bad it was. But a good person can be made to understand by having it explained to them, or will respect being told it's a boundary, and will not persist in bothering you about it. They will accept that boundary as part of you and not question that it needs to be there.
Been really lucky that both my partners have been wonderful about this.
So much of this is stuff my father does and I went no contact because of all this. It's one thing when a romantic partner or friend is like that, but when it's a parent, it's a different kind of evil, because all your life everyone tells you that you have to love and respect your parents no matter what they do. When I tell people I'm no contact with my father they say that I should just talk to him, give another chance, he's family after all. It sucks so much.
So sorry you had to deal with that. People tend to forget that not all family is blood. As long as you have a good support system, you’ll always have a family :)
My father is also like this. And no I’m not a psychologist, but he is absolutely a narcissist. We create our families. My blood family sucks for the most part, and I was also shamed for cutting contact. Others who don’t experience it will not understand, but I see you and I know some of that pain. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that
I had to go no contact with my narcissistic father too. People are so judgmental of that decision but at some point self-preservation has to come into play. I have never regretted my decision.
Nobody who cares about your mental and/or physical health will ever tell you to get back into contact with someone who continuously hurt you for their own benefit
It took me a long time to learn that, but I hope it helps someone else
Why is it society puts the pressure on to the child to fix a broken connection without even stopping to think about what that parent did?
yeah my mother actually made good on the childhood death threats when i was forced to move in with her in adulthood (not move back in mind you, bc she did abandon me in childhood) and i lost $5000 when she tried to murder me, and i still have not gotten all of my belongings back, worth probably another $5000 at least, that i will never be able to afford to replace. and i will never get justice i have been told by multiple relevant professionals.
What a horrible mother, I am so so sorry about what you went through, words can't even describe the DISGUST I feel reading what she did to you. I hope you'll be able to heal, and I'm sorry you won't get the justice you deserve.
DO not call her your mother
That woman is not your mother, she is merely the woman who birthed you
She is not your mom, and she is not your mother
She's a stranger
@@Archiver_Studio i call her my mother because she's never been a mom to me, but "biological mother" is too much of a mouthful and people wouldn't get it, so i shorten it to mother.
@@kristenhicks2504 Fair enough, but she doesn't even deserve to be called your mother
Even that feels too nice
@@kristenhicks2504 The term "egg donor" can help.
The damage isnt JUST when you’re a kid. It overflows into adulthood which will mess you up more when you realize what shes doing. Get therapy stay in it like i do. Lmao
my mom didnt understand why my panic attacks would completely disable me when they happened- UNTIL she experienced them herself. she started having panic attacks in my late teen years, and it was really a “i told you so” moment.
i love how the skzoos are just there chilling and we just never address it, iconic if you ask me
Yes! I just noticed them being in her videos a while back🙈 Like I saw them, but never thought it was the skzoo characters😆 I guess that is just a consequence of me being a baby stay (I think I would still be called that, like I know a lot about them and such, but still has only been around a year🙈✨️)
@@sorry-I-write-long-comments i love fellow stays, been one for a couple of years now, best choice!! :3
The skzoos are the entire reason I started watching this channel. The first video I watched started autoplaying while I was cleaning. I randomly looked at the screen and saw the giant Leebit.
I also like to make up stories for their lives, based on which ones are where, and what they're wearing.
yayyy i've been waiting for someone to point that out!
I got into this channel bcs of the skzoos actually!!
I needed to see this today. Thank you. I went no contact with my parents yesterday, and this morning I woke up and immediately felt so much guilt and started gaslighting myself into thinking it wasn't really that bad. But it was, and I really needed to hear other people's experiences that line up with my own to remember that. I remember once my brother and his girlfriend were having a disagreement because she wanted him to tell her he loved her more, and his defense was he says an "I love you" should be earned. What the actual fuck.
I've been no contact for 12 years now. Congrats and good luck.
I never regretted my decision. Cutting my family off made my depression 80% better. I haven't had to be on meds since.
Oh my gosh, I totally understand your emotional struggle and I hope you find a better balance now ❤️. You deserve to live a life without toxicity. You made the good choice ❤️
Love should never be earned, but freely given. Given especially if a person fucks up (in normal things, red flags or cheating is not something that should be forgiven like that).
Good luck to you and your journey
i know exactly what you mean. the first morning for me i felt happier than i had in a while, but then the next week i had multiple panic attacks and flashbacks and i considered undoing it. its been almost a year now. i think for the most part by the time you make this choice its probably long over due. its a hard decision to make
19:10 ish - When referring to the “it made you stronger” bs they like to spout, I like to respond with the “I was a child, I didn’t need to be stronger, I needed to be protected,” viral TikTok sound.
I heard someone say this years ago and it never left me: "its hard when you have a kid that is 'just like you were' and you realize how easy it is to love them"
I tell my mom this all the time. If this kid is just like me, I was a fking delight.
It’s so easy to love them. And so hard to imagine subjecting them to any of the things I thought were “normal”
I remember my mom telling me her excuse for how she treated me being "I thought you were just like me but worse." Knowing that there are people out there finding it so easy to love their kids that take after them so much, and treating them with human decency, it makes me happy knowing that there are parents out there stopping that cycle of abuse
"you're having kids specifically to cater to your needs!?" that's called EXPLOITATION!! if you have children solely to exploit them for whatever you can get out of them, that is evil!! there is something wrong with you!!
some asshole: "you're not going to have kids? who's going to look after you when you get older?"
me: "i would never force someone to exist without their consent just to exploit them for my own gain. what is wrong with you?"
may parents better hope my sister takes care of them because its not going to be me.
cater to your needs!?" that's called EXPLOITATION!! " same for infanticide/womb-kills and or eugenics as my mother killed and SRS's( im intersexuality-born my grandparents and the law saving me by a week or less ) every XX combo's
yes iv gone no contact with my mother( 3X divorce papers and 6+boyfriends ect ) around 17-25~yo/2009 era and currently working for it again ( called after being choked-out/DV-wife and dad's/gramp's advice to call/get-ideas ) dad is now the same way and or cancer'd-out/RIP at 19yo id have missed him but now nope wishing i was more upsetting about cancer/sickness but im not-eat...
yes my mother used that i cary'd you wording's that's in the video and currently she's trying to steal my( 1870's forward to my dad's that she left as a open option 20 years ago, and yes she has a state/USA-governmental pension ect so she doesn't need my$$$ but im under poverty's and or leftovers from my divorce-papers ) net worth
@@richardprice5978 i wish i were aborted. i think abortion is always the correct option. i think forcing someone to exist without their consent is the absolute most evil thing you can do to another person. also your reply makes no sense wtf are you talking about. please don't elaborate bc i don't want to know. do not reply to me again i want absolutely nothing to do with you. take your pro-forced-birth opinions elsewhere
@@richardprice5978you know that line of thinking is killing hundreds of women and children across America at the moment yes?
When does it become about the health of the mother? When does it become about the wellbeing of the child their parents didn't want?
My Spawn Point would say "I'm so sorry I was such a horrible mother who loved and blah blah blah..." constantly before I went full no contact
Never heard spawn point 😂😂😂😂😂
As someone with a narcissistic mother, I really appreciate this video. I acknowledge that not all narcissists are shitty, abusive people. And many narcissists have been abused (and many do not harm others!!). My mom was actually abused as a child-she and everyone else around her uses it as an excuse for her harmful behaviors. Abuse should never be an excuse to hurt others, especially children. 💗💗💗
As someone who is a narcissist I 100% agree with your whole statement and hope you can find healing. Her trauma and abuse was never an excuse to abuse you.
There are unfortunately entire nations where it is a child's legal responsibility to care for their parents no matter how horrific they were. There have even been examples of parents who gave them up for adoption and when they found out they became financially successful they sued their biological child for not giving them financial support! They win in these lawsuits too! 😢
Disclaimer, I hate how anyone abusive is called a narcissist these days. The first video, though (if I ignore the "narcissist" label) -- oof so relatable. Especially the "making kids compete for love so that they don't have a close relationship with each other". I only became close to one of my siblings as adults; I still don't know who the other one is, at all. I stopped resenting them a long time ago as I realized it must have really sucked for them too, in spite of the few crumbs of very conditional affection they were receiving between two screaming fits (they were the golden child, I was the scapegoat) -- but, we have nothing at all in common. Strangely enough, they seem to be very nostalgic of their childhood. It's incomprehensible to me, they were clearly a victim too even though they didn't have it as bad as me. Home life was hell for all three kids.
Ooh, I remember one time my dad locked himself out of the house and couldn’t find the hidden key. So I got chewed out when I got home because sometimes I used it and forgot to put it back right away. I kept telling them I had put it away and eventually I went and looked in the spot and it was there. I just got a passing “oh guess I didn’t see it” and not an apology for getting yelled at.
22:30 that's the problem for me, on one hand, there is just no way my mom isn't aware of what she does, it must be intentional. but on the other hand, when she throws me scraps of love, it seems so genuine, i don't know what to believe. and honestly i'm so tired of being stuck in this loop, not even being able to trust my own senses
I learned to trust what my mother said when she was drunk or mad. It was the only time I saw the real her. Logic would tell me she only says she hates me and that I’m a mistake because her anger gets the better of her. Common sense tells me that’s what she always thinks and anger releases her inhibitions. It’s easier said than done and I know it’s hard, but letting go of needing your mother’s love and acceptance will bring you so much peace. And maybe one day, she’ll understand how she’s hurt you and will regret ever doing so. We can only hope they’ll feel bad someday.
If you haven’t already, it may be possible to reconnect by asking her to discuss boundaries and hurtful words. If she’s willing to talk about those things, you probably have a good chance of mending your relationship. I hope the later is the case for you, not the former. Good luck, and don’t forget you have the right to say no and defend yourself. (Assuming you have a place to go, I know life sucks and sometimes you get stuck having to deal with a monster because you can’t leave. You’ll have to make decisions based on your needs and what’s safest for you to do)
@justalittleturtle5600 i am in one of those situations where cutting ties is not an option, but i also think (maybe foolishly) that my relationship with mom isn't a lost cause. she is, in fact, willing to talk, so maybe there is still salvaging this mess.
thank you for giving me some food for thought, and i wish you well too
yippie i was just about to have a mental breakdown, ty for posting!!
im a bit confused, the ones saying "im a narcissistic mom.." r they actually narcissistic moms and saying how they behave or r they ppl who grew up w narcissistic moms and r just sharing what they did kina a pov typ thing? im assuming its the second one
You also in the US?
@@eileenconway2966 yep, sadly
it sucks that so many can relate to being hurt by their mother.
it also feels nice to not be alone.
I think the term emotionally immature parent is relevant here
These do make me feel better about my own trauma especially when the topic is a 100% match w my mother. I appricate your videos they always bring a lot of comfort even if the topic is sad. Thank you:)
Super cathartic. It was almost funny seeing how accurate those TikTok’s in the beginning were. I can totally hear my mother saying all that crap. It’s funny how comforting it can be just to hear others say it. Like, oh my god, you understand me perfectly, thank you.
I'm hoping the best for every child with any parent who maybe wasn't the best (any part of the spectrum of not being the best) All kids deserve parents but not all parents deserve their kids
my parents used to say I was unappreciative because they would give me stuff and then hold it against me and treat me like shit and I would call them out on it.
They were right. I was unappreciate. lol.
Cut them off 12 years ago. I've heard through family members that they wish I'd come back and they miss me. Never enough to reach out and apologize though. Because they don't think they did anything wrong. They just magically want me to get over it. Lol hell no!
thank you for this! watching this was so cathartic, especially since most of us grew up when media portrayed mothers as people who could "do no wrong"
10:11 OMG I WANT THAT SHIRT. The Opossum on it makes it so perfect for my vibe, lol.
28:58 An example of this is my friend, her mother taught her that popping and squeezing pimples helps to get rid of them. She just learnt that you’re not supposed to do that. This isn’t about the pimples.
I'm so glad my mumther is a normal person. She loves me unconditionally, despite all my problems. Shout out to all the good mumthers!
Edit: Not to say that you're a bad person just because you are narcissistic. Everyone has their struggles.
Thank you for this, especially since I know not all of us with NPD are abusive but I understand some are and I wish healing for everyone abused, by someone with clinical NPD or not.
oh my god. this just reminded me of this one time my brother used the word "momther" like you did here but like just to be funny and she screamed "what did you call me" and was extremely upset by it for some reason. we ended up getting a lecture by stepdad on "not calling your mom names" 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀
@@narcissisticmomoi some possibly and or the right environmental factors can help( or hurting, Irish wife and or me/hard-Assss wasn't as good at monogamous marriage contract-styles and yes my mothers family+USA law's-ect did pressure me to copying them, rather than being a happier open-queer and parents/ing, being single-lifestyle's my friends/family noticed im grumpy ect aka not as pleasant to hangout with ect ), im not sure why i have a typical 5ft~140'lb's/cuteness older ( 21-36~yo )/same-gen-as-me ?NPD? and bi-sexually and Irish/Scotland/Russian's/Jewish/Italian( aka stereotypes about angery and or sassy+loyalty and still like being super-femininely/motherhood types )( one was a native/1st-nation NE-USA but that's mostly from wife's bestie/bi-partner ) type it's not like i read there bio( or hire someone to find it ect ) and thinking to myself perfect-date/wife if anything at 9yo to now id might get cold-feet and run-away more so at 15~25yo~ as mentality illness and or LGBTQIA+ ( ironically im polly marriage types and i knowledge that at 4~yo and at 9-19yo i tried shaming myself ect, and after getting married i found out my boomer-gen mother's secrets of my zoomer*birth and or her eugenics program to delete every XX combo and and or SRS-them aka me, and yes theoretically i still can have kids-DNA but not a guaranty and or more challenging ) wasn't something you wanted to mention in western state's USA 2008~era
my experience with narcissism is go find the narcan lolz and or not friends or coworkers material, now if someone is interested/trying to be in good faith and upfront about being a narcissist and holding themselves accountable even when it's not convenient ect that would probably challenge my mindset's about chronically being depressed or narcissistic or NPD ect, still wouldn't date/wife a setsofena/or sycophantic-darkness as im never sure about the switches flipped and or my kids ending up with-it as a cursed ect
i can at times be the bottom prince-book aka macavalin ( and swingers on the bottom( mostly left-corner or more often to central, and or balanced-humanitarian aka not acting as dark triad-type ) rail, aka not a narcissist+sycophantic combo's or individuality-traces ) and or hermit-crabs/intervert and wealth/gold-holding social-types but i try to keep that to a healthy lifestyle/minimum and my wife's also tended to be more outgoing and or spend-friendly and definitely more emotional than me
@@petrichorbonesstaaaap. Why would that upset her? 😭
My brother jokingly called our mom "mot-her" and it somehow became some silly running joke in the family 😂
My parents (mostly my mom) have never taken my mental health seriously and always treated my "outbursts" from struggling as an inconvenience but, now that my mom is struggling with her mental health, I have to be the one to let her vent to me despite it hurting my mental health. 🙃
Do we have the same mom lol.
But seriously, I swear my mom treated me worse after I got diagnosed with anxiety. But when life gets too stressful for her it's my job to be her little therapist. Like, no, that's not okay 🙂
So, I've sent this to my best friend, cuz I felt she could relate to a lot of this... And hopefully help her understand more of what she's gone through and hopefully find more energy to heal, to understand this is something she can't help that she's been dealing with this all her life
You are absolutely right. The world needs more therapy. I love your videos. The world needs more loving, loving people like you. You are always intelligent
My mom is super emotionally immature and she does like all of these things. I want to go no contact in the future, but I'm also scared to do so.
Shoutout from a person with BPD and a father with diagnosed narcissism~
He died before I could get closure for how he genuinely ruined the lives of my entire family and I’m still mad about it (:
I have NPD and BPD and I believe my father also has BPD. I totally understand this, I hope you can find healing as unfortunately unless he also sought help, he probably would not have given much closure. Wishing you good luck.
not the kati morton jumpscare 😫😫😫
My mom would HATE this very clear mirror 😂
I wish I didn't understand most of these. I'm the scape goat child, whenever I've brought up anything negative to my mom (Dad's pretty absent) she just pulls up the defensive "So I'm the worst mother out there" and acts like I owe her for adopting me, because apparently nobody else would've wanted me? Idk.
Whenever my parents say "I guess I'm just a horrible parent" I'll act like I agree with them 💀
I know it's kinda harsh, but hey, they said it. I'll just refuse to play along with their guilt trip
@MoodyMickey I'm trying to work on that, but everyone that's not me loves her so they kind of guilt trip me, too.
@@biscutboi813 man, that sucks. My parents are the only ones that ever guilt trip me, and for some weird reason it almost comes naturally for me to just tell them they're bad (I think I'm just weird lol). I hope you do get to the point where you aren't affected by them guilt tripping you. My parents doing it does affect me, but for some reason I just react to it differently. Being guilted sucks tho
@MoodyMickey I'm getting better, they kinda conditioned me to be a doormat but I've got some spine now. Guilt tripping isn't crazy common as I don't engage with them often unless it's necessary.
@@biscutboi813 glad to hear you're getting better. And good thing the guilt tripping doesn't happen often
I feel so many moms are going no contact with their moms because they start to see the same toxic behavior towards their kids. It's different when you watch it happen to someone else. It wasn't until I had a 2nd child & I watched mom try to pit them against each other that I was done.
28:35 Literally, I've had "friends" (not really anymore) who were raised by horrifically emotionally abusive and/or negligent mothers. And they would always say that me expressing my feelings was "not accountability" (meanwhile sharing some of their feelings all the time with me, especially about their mothers--and proceeding to say I never listened or understood them...nvm we were up till 3-4 am talking and comforting each other) and stonewall me when I would just ask if anything was wrong, if I could help or change my behaviour to aid them, etc. I usually got the silent treatment, or told EVERYTHING was my fault and I was harming them constantly--but if I asked what I was doing that hurt them...there was no answer ,it was just "well you;ll never change! You hurt me." very vague. But when asked if they wanted to talk about it or if I could do anything, including giving space (I just needed to know 'cause I can't read minds...) they'd say they wanna talk but can't because of me, because I was "Scary" and would invalidate them. Yeah...lots of projection, especially when they claimed I did things that I knew for I fact I couldn't do even if I wanted to, but knew their mothers had done to them. I know I'm not perfect, and there were certainly times I could have done better...exactly why I got therapy and still do so I can be emotionally mature and give people the love and care they deserve, including myself.
Never was given the chance to even rectify it in any way, or was told things were fine only for them to drop emotional bombs in text and run or to just explode at me at seemingly random. They never shared their deeper feelings anymore, then got mad I didn't fully understand them (like, you gotta let me in to do that, but I'm not gonna force you to, soooo....what, you want me to MAKE you?? Not really...healthy.) despite me trying to make it a very safe space and having helped them before with crisis events including having no house in the school district or breakups from abusive partners, having had long coversations of back and forth confiding, etc.
I hope they get therapy, but I am so done with people like that. I can't give my all in a relationship, try to help them, and then be treated like dirt as if all of their issues are on me (when they are not), just because someone else in their life did that to them. They need help I cannot give, and won't willingly receive from me. And, I frankly cannot take being treated as a punching bag for months or years. I fucking tried, I wanted to help, but I was never given the chance, and I won't waste my energy on people that only want to harm me and perpetuate cycles instead of self reflection.
I have much better friends now, who were also my friends then, and we have much healthier communication and are able to talk about things as needed, or put up boundaries when we can't. We are able to check in on the other person before dumping anything, and we don't send paragraphs to each other about how the other person is the problem always and "can't be fixed". Because we know that only hurts people, including ourselves and doesn't fix the actual issues.
For dads you could do the emotionally available aspect for dads who clearly are not present in their kids lives or show affection towards their children
I feel like there are so many of these that can be similar for emotionally immature parents, but many that are not present that show the key differences between that and actual narcissism. I say this and think it's important because emotional immaturity can often be rectified (with a good therapist) but narcisissm is much more difficult to deal with and get help for. (At least in my experiences)
16:47 This is why I do not believe in the concept of "good people" and "bad people." I have people in my family who buy into this kind of black and white thinking, and it drives me crazy. This one person just cannot hear any kind of criticism at all, no matter how mild or constructive, without getting angry and saying, "You just think I'm this horrible person!" And I'll have to explain all over again there there aren't horrible people and wonderful people, and that every human being has the capacity for doing positive things and negative things.
I also have diagnosed borderline, out of the kindness of my heart I went from no contact to calls a on some holidays!
Came here ready to laugh and relate and I have to LIE DOWN after that first video, absolutely fuckin' nailed it
i remember when i was diagnosed with depression (i was like… 14) and we were leaving, my mom decided to turn it around and make it abt her. she said smth abt how if it wasn’t for me and my brother she woulda killed herself
my parents got divorced when i was young, and i never saw my mom again. but, this is just like my dad. he's always the victim and will never hear that he's ever done anything wrong, and he has apologized to me honestly (with no whitty quip or scathing remark) once in my entire life. and, when i tell him he was always aggressive and he never was compassionate, he doesn't even understand what that means.
These first clips just felt like they were talking to my childhood specifically. There needs to be a license you need to work for first, before you're ever even be allowed to have kids.
Me and my brother are both mentally fucked, with me, having had the biggest mental issues since I was the rebelliius child and fought back, so I took the brunt of the abuse. I'm 36 now and my mental and physical health are so bad that I simply struggle to even take care of myself.
Our mother did not teach me ANYthing. If I was allowed to help out with something and I did it wrong at the first attempt, I was NEVER allowed to try again because I'm "too stupid". I was also barely allowed anything as achild/teen. Sleep overs, going anyhwere that did not involve church activities (because she had an image to upkeep with her church buddies), basically going anywhere I could have had the smalles amount of fun. She would have loved to outlaw me having friends at all. And when I asked why I wasn't allowed this or that, guess what she answered? "Because I said so."
One of the biggest issues that I have to live with is lack of enjoyment in basically anything. Since I did not receive any type of praise or encouragement/appreciation, I seek validation in anything I do or want to try out... combined with the perfectionism that it gave me as well, I can't do anything without the anxiety of making mistakes, as well as never being sure if I actually enjoy the things I want/am doing, or if I only seek praise to make me feel better.
Oh god, that sucks so much. Your childhood sounds so much like mine. I had the same look on life with validation, perfectionism, and apathy in everything I did. I was also super depressed when dealing with the apathy though, so maybe get checked for that. I didn’t realize until much too late in my life that I had others who loved and supported me. I’ve learned to accept praise and take pride in my work because of my grandmother (who took me in after I left home). I had to make a choice every time someone complimented me to believe them and thank them. I had to make a choice every time I did something to say “this is good. I am good.” even when I didn’t believe. I finally started believing it, just a little recently. I’ve been so much happier. I don’t see ugly and worthless me in the mirror anymore. I’m also struggling less to hear and reciprocate the words “I love you”. I used to cry whenever I heard them, but now I can say them back to my grandmother. You’ll find your people someday. They’re there, you just can’t see them. I had so many, yet thought I was completely alone for decades.
You are worth so much more than you realize. You’re not as flawed as you think. There are people who love and admire you. You have already done so many amazing things. You just won’t allow yourself to believe it. I’ve said this to others many times, and I’ll say it again. *It’s okay to love yourself :)*
13:00 litterally when my mom would do that id be like yeah you are that why im telling you how i feel. And shed get soooo mad bc i didn't just apologize for "hurting her feelings" and usually it was paired with "i should just run away!" And i was like yeah you do that we don't need you. And she never ran away... Shocker almost like you're trapped in a situation you don't like and want to leave but can't. Funny. Almost like we only have 1 source of income and you have a 20+ year gap in your résumé and cant get any other job. We are trapped here and you chose to externalize your pain onto us when its not our business and not our fate. You chose this.
My mom would say "I guess I'll just go to work then." And would cry!!! And I'd say "have fun at work!" I just never wanted to deal with my parents guilt tripping bs
One moment that keeps replaying in my head these last few weeks: I was still living at home, either freshly graduated from high school or finishing up my last year (18). I had been struggling for years at this point to pick out what I wanted to got to college for and after visiting a college that summer, thinking it over and finally working on getting the courage to tell my parents their response has stuck with me for years. I went up and told them that I had been thinking about going to college for Architecture, without missing a beat they both shared with me that since math wasn’t something I was known for being good at that I should pick something different to major in. Didn’t even ask if I wanted help or to get help to improve my math skills.
I never went to college, I’m currently not speaking with my family and luckily they haven’t reached out either.
Nothing like good old fashioned reminders of how some of us were wronged that then have disastrous consequences.
People can have narcissistic tendencies and characteristics without being diagnosed with npd and it's important to recognizing that. It has nothing to do with villainizing anybody, it's about acknowledging the harm that antagonistic people often do to those around them. If you believe somebody in your life may be narcissistic, I hope you find peace, and I'd strongly recommend Dr. Ramani Durvasula's book, "It's Not You", or Stephanie M. Kriesberg's book, "Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers." Both offer support and advice whether you want to continue or end the relationship.
Anecdote: I have a friend who once said "please stop talking about feminism, because if I learn too much I won't be able to turn a blind eye and I won't be able to get along with my family and that's not safe for me". I thought that was a little weird.
But I get it. Watching this video. Because I know if I actually confront the fact that my mom who's totally not a narcissist and totally doesn't exhibit so many of the behaviours exemplified in this video I'd be homeless. So it's real lucky I don't have to confront that because it doesn't exist.
You can see unhealthy realationships of dads mostly with Family Channels or Kids Channels Managed by Dad but about the kid
Those TikToks in the beginning where people were “cosplaying” a narcissistic moms gave me whiplash. They played my mother so well, a lot of stuff was word for word what she’s said, like oh my god.
Mt favourite is always the "I didn't say that. You're remembering it wrong. No I didn't say that."
I don't really have narcissistic traits but I do have another personality disorder and damn am I basically incapable of breaking out of black and white thinking about myself...this is all good reinforcement that I was correct in deciding not to have kids.
totally agree, i disagree with the idea of NPD abuse but as someone with NPD unless i take some major advancements in my healing i would NEVER have kids and i wish some of these ACTUAL NPD parents thought this way, too
Phooooowee love this giving flashbacks to when anytime I'd be upset of cry my mom would just say "oh the trauma" in a mocking tone. Picking the side of my bully because her mom and mine were friends so I was in the wrong!!!
perfect video for the "i didn't ask to be born" shirt
God bless Trump! MAGA 2024
Wow I didn't realise how much I needed to hear all this, from the video to the comments. Truly thank you for making this.
Thank you to everyone who made me feel seen and heard, without me even needing to say a word.
Very glad I got parents willing and able to do family therapy. Who's issues were unresolved trauma and lack of emotional maturity due to how they were raised, stuff that is/was fixable and able to be worked on. I am glad...every single, day. Things have improved so much for all of us with all of us getting help for our trauma.
11:32 hit me like a brick wall, the number of times my mom pulled that one out is more than I care to count
"I didn't ask to be born" realist shit ever
I've watched so many of your videos that at this point I just started to say intro along with you
"You can love someone and acknowledge they hurt you." Hits so deep in my soul because my dad was a major alcholic throught out my tween and teen years, it was only until I was about 17 that he started to get sober and we started healing. But unfortantly he passed from cancer about two months before I turned 18 and trying to accept and greve a man who for a lot of times was barely there mentally and not even be an adult is fucking hard and its still something I struggle with to this day.
lol queer kiwi is my current favourite channel to binge :3
What's weird is my relationship with my parents (at least until my teen years) was actually idyllic, while I was punished I was never abused. My parents encouraged me in my interests and I never lacked their love, support, or time. Despite this my Mom definitely used the "I bought you into this world, don't make me take you out of it." line on more than one occasion, we didn't take it seriously but I can see how to someone for whom the threat of violent abuse is more real that could carry weight.
I'm...gonna be honest, I don't really like this already. I like the idea of bringing up and acknowledging the abuse mothers like this do but...I don't like the idea of such a supportive, progressive channel once again equating NPD to "narcissist abuse." I have NPD and watching people compare my disorder to their abusers for portraying,,,abuser traits is actually gut-wretching, and makes it so much harder to reach out.
Feel free to ignore me or my comment, I know most might dismiss it as classic narcissist behaviour (which, I understand I can't really defend myself because of my disorder) but I just wanted to share my thoughts. I wish healing to all of you who had mothers like these, though. You deserved so much better than being abused and hurt just for her own gain and desire for control.
Final edit: thank you Sav for changing the video title. I'm not replying to any extra replies considering having to try and explain why using my diagnosis as an abuse label was extremely triggering and my mental state is, quite obviously, fragile.
Thank you to those who actually took the time to read this as a perspective from a recovering narcissist and again, I wish all of you healing whether or not your parent has NPD and abused you. You deserve healing and love.
people are abusive because they are abusive, not because of npd. youre not alone here :(
@@avery4818 Thank you. It's just difficult. I'll tell someone everything my family did to me but their reactions change based on if I call them narcissistic vs. myself. It's like my disorder takes away any credibility in people's minds yet they're also the same people to say "stop demeaning disorders like autism!" It hurts. Especially the idea that ours is "different" and "worse" even though almost every single abuser I know has portrayed narcissistic traits (AKA literally just not accepting the fact that they're abusive) and I KNOW not every single abuser in my life has NPD so...
No, literally. I don't have NPD, but I 100% agree.
Hell, I doubt most of these people featured ARE narcissists, they're just playing into stereotypes to get interaction, and it's so annoying.
i'm really glad people in the comments are pointing this out. i always feel crazy when a creator posts a video about "narcissistic abuse" and i scroll down to the comments and nobody is pointing it out
no you're right. I think anyone, no matter what disorder they have has a right to be upset seeing their disorder discussed the way that narcissism is. I really feel for people with npd in the discussion around narcissistic abuse because it's so easy for people to overstep and say something incredibly ableist and hurtful, but people with npd can't point that out without it being contributed to their disorder. it feels very dehumanising, like you guys aren't allowed to express your emotions the way everyone else is.
I'm already no contact with my mother, but god, after years of wondering what went wrong, this has been a genuinely helpful video when it comes to realizing just HOW much of what she did wasn't normal.
I feel terrible about my mother. She does nearly all of these things and I always thought it was my fault. She always talks about herself when she wants to give an example of who she wants me to be and always looks down on what I do when I’m proud of myself cause ‘it doesn’t compare to her’
I didnt realize how much my mothers borderline personality affected me until now. I started crying at the "maybe it will be different this time". I always hope im not unintentionally causing my children the same type of harm with my bipolar disorder that was unrecognized so untreated for many years. I dont ever wanna be the reason my kids cant form healthy relationships or need therapy or anything.
I suggest you’d change the title to something like “bad parent drama”. By throwing around the term “narcissistic” to refer to people being awful, that’s just stigmatizing people with NPD even further.
While I agree for the most part, they did gather information from people who have narcissistic parents (unless I'm misunderstanding something) and changing the title is disingenuous when the videos show people saying "I'm a narcissistic mother" and is probably best for people who don't want to hear about narcissistic parents or narcissism in general they can avoid it from just the title without having to click and watch a TW then decide not to watch it.
I do understand I'm bipolar I think it's weird when people use it to say "oh you're grumpy or moody" but if someone was to say in a title "rude person drama" and the content is people saying I'm bipolar so when I'm mean to you it's not my fault the title is misleading.
For the record I'm not saying you're wrong or anything I do think you're focusing on the wrong thing. I do think they could have done a better job saying this trend does continue to stigmatize people suffer from narcissism the word comes up so much removing it from the title isn't contributing to that stigmatization however the people making "I'm a narcissistic mother pay more attention to me" videos are contributing.
Apology for validation is so easy to handle though. Like people try it but all you have to do is validate what their saying not what they want you to say
"I'm sorry I'm such a bad mother and nothing I did was good enough for you"
"I accept your apology. Hopefully you can improve your behavior in the future."
Watch them never try that shit again
My estranged sister is a malignant narcissist and has histrionic personality disorder (she's been diagnosed since she was 14 yet refuses to see anyone for treatment/therapy even though she's been given every opportunity to do so) She is estranged for the way she treated our mom, me, my 2 daughters, and her own 4 kids. Her eldest 2 kids are 0 contact with her because of how she basically ignored them and prioritized her wants/needs and those of her husband (her eldest 2 had different dad's than the younger 2 who she and her husband had together). Seeing how differently my eldest nephew and niece act compared to my daughters is heartbreaking and I can never forgive my sister for the unnecessary psychological/emotional neglect and other things she put those kids through.
i think the title of this video is a bit of an issue. NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) is a mental disorder often caused by genetics and by trauma. pathologizing abusive and toxic people doesn't do anything except reinforce stereotypes about mental illness and redirect the blame of toxic behavior onto their "brain" instead of their active choice to behave toxically.
edit: people who are toxic and abusive shouldnt be referred to as "narcissistic." the concept of "narcisstic abuse" and "narcisstic behavior" stems from a fundamental misunderstanding of what narcissism *is.* npd *is* narcissism. its like saying that focusing on keeping things clean is "so ocd." *no,* it *isnt.* just like how ocd isnt *actually* germaphobia and a need for symmetry (although that can be part of it at times), narcissism isnt *actually* toxic and abusive behavior (although that can be part of it at times.)
Thank you. I have NPD and seeing content like this from progressive creators absolutely destroys me, seeing people perpetuate the "abusive narcissist" idea. It makes it so damn hard to seek professional health both due to fear and the fact that psychiatrists hate us.
I know this doesn't mean much, but I absolutely side with both of you. I don't have NPD, but BPD. I hate when people do shit like this. I support both of yall
@@coki3_crumle670 Thank you. I unfortunately have both comorbid (which I did not learn until my NPD symptoms got out of hand and I found out) and I understand completely especially with the way BPD is romanticised until it's ACTUALLY disordering. I support you too
It says "narcissistic" not "mothers with npd" please get a grip
@@narcissisticmomoi Yea, or everyone just thinks you're crazy and obsessive (regarding fps :( )
people have pointed this out already but i think it's important to say; using the term "narcissistic abuse" is considered harmful and ableist toward people with narcissistic personality disorder, npd (a disorder which usually forms as a result of abuse; a lot of people with npd are abuse survivors, i know several)
obviously abuse is not okay, whether a person really does have npd or not, but call it what it is-abuse. equating narcissism to abusive behavior isn't okay, in the same way that equating borderline personality disorder to abuse isn't okay, or calling people bipolar as an insult
very disappointed in sav for this video. i hope she takes it down and educates herself rather than continuing to use ableist therapy speak
I mean nobody said npd = abuse except you.
I do think it’s important to note that sometimes narcissism can be abusive. Selfishness, lack of empathy, grandiosity, and belittling are often found in cases of NPD. Now if all those things present themselves in a mother, I think it makes sense to call them narcissistic, as an adjective. I wouldn’t call them narcissists, since Im not a doctor, but they ARE displaying similar traits to those described in the DSM-5. Yes, it’s abuse, but it’s a specific type of abuse, and having a disorder is not an excuse for being abusive.
I think it’s more about abuse caused by extreme selfishness which doesn’t necessarily correspond to npd, which is about severe self-image problems. It’s a really unfortunate name that should be more disconnected. We do need better terms.
I think it’s important for victims of narcissistic abuse to be able to relate to what they’ve experienced.
My ex with diagnosed NPD nearly killed me. I was beaten, degraded, r*ped, locked out of my house, gaslighted. Without content like this, I wouldn’t have had the courage to leave.
My ex and his parents had hidden the diagnosis because they were afraid that he would be stigmatized. I only learned after I escaped because his sister opened up after learning about the physical abuse. Their fear of having their baby boy stigmatized nearly cost me my life.
I’ll have life long scars and health issues because they wanted to avoid the consequences of a diagnosis. So no. I have no empathy for people with NPD. Being a victim themselves does not excuse them victimizing others. I don’t care if people think that makes me a bad person. They can pay back my medical bills resulting from the abuse or the tens of thousands of dollars my ex stole from me throughout the years.
Perfect timing bro just logged on
that second lady's tiktok was basically just a list of the exact things my mom use to say to me when i lived at home. now I only talked to my parents once a week so she doesn't get much of a chance to say those sorts of things. i did call yesterday and she told me that i look just like she did at my age just slightly a less pretty version.
12:50 my mother does that thing and it worked on me for a long time, but I remember once I was just,, so so so done I couldn't even try to comfort her, I don't think I even said a single word, she was outright crying and this resentment rose in me because of all the uncountable times I cried all alone because of the way she treated me and all the times I was crying because of other terrible things in my life and wanted someone there for me and she never was. So I decided on emotional warfare. I silently went to the kitchen, got her a glass of water and brought it to her. And once it hit her she never did that for me, I just walked away.
I don't see why it's so hard to talk about abuse and not make it about NPD. Most people don't do this with any other disorder besides NPD. Would you call an abuser with depression a "depressive abuser," or just an abuser? Would you call getting abused by someone with autism "autistic abuse," or just abuse? Your disclaimer doesn't change the stigma and abuse people with NPD face with the rhetoric YOU'RE helping spread that they're all evil or abusive.
You just don't have any reason to make it about their condition. It should be obvious that that contributes to abelism towards them.
28:20 'everytime i say that you have upset me suddenly you're the victim? And I've done something wrong?' damn, i was five when my parents divorced and became the one emotionally taking care of my mom, i felt like it was my responsibility to regulate her emotions and doing everything i could to cheer her up, making it my number one need.
I believe she honestly loves me more than anything or anyone else in this world and needs me. She never noticed how much i was hurting and that what she did wasn't creating a healthy 'mother-daughter' relationship but a relationnship in which she was providing basic human needs (thought food is a more complicated topic but im not gonna go into that rn) ,but besides i was taking care of her because i was also dependent on if/ how she was struggling. I felt like I was given attention/ love when she wasnt doing okay (me consulting her) and when I made her happy/ fought her battles.
Its so hard for me to tell her when she is hurting me/ hurt me when i was a child/ teen because i still feel like her emotional wellbeing is my responsibility and seeing her upset will hurt me as well. I really love her and she is important to me, at the same time there is so much rage and pain, im still the little kid just wanting my mom to be okay.
It took the past two years to work through this with my therapist and its a long way to go but i am so so proud of myself.
(edit: grammar)
15:49 This is an accurate phrase
15:46 This clip literally perfectly shows every single convo with my mom. Like, some of it is word for word things she’s said to me.
cutting ties was the best decision of my life. I can have empathy for these parents to a degree, but empathy and understanding doesn't mean allowing parents to hurt you
I think i great topic that can be talked about fathers could be how some have a very emotionally incestuous relationship with they daughters I have seen some tik toks were it can get very weird.
Omg! My mom does that “I’m sorry for not being a good enough mom” thing any time I criticize or disagree with her.
I’m in therapy to help come to terms with the fact that my family is super toxic.
"You're not a person until you're 18" - my mother, I moved away from her about two years ago, she hasn't talked to me in months and when she does I'm "unresponsive"... She threatened to not come to my graduation which I fail to see as a negative.
Not *my* mom, but that first tiktoker, as soon as she said "seemingly loving grandmother, but only to one grandkid" I was absolutely walloped with "oh, that's my paternal grandmother." she has a favorite kid, everyone knows it, and she has favorite grandkids as well (that kid's kids). my brothers fall through the cracks. I was the baby girl for 20 years, so I was treated completely differently from them (until my little cousin was born, there were three granddaughters and nine grandsons, seven of whom came after me). She's straight up lied about my dad being the main reason the family business is so successful, and brothers and I think it's at least partially bc Dad puts Mom and the three of us kids before his siblings/parents (as he should! his primary responsibility is to the family he built, not the one he was born into).
Gotta love parents who should have never had kiddos 😊
The one about not letting the daughter take her own stuff and then putting it outside the next day so she can be in control is so real. When I moved out, my mother physically fought me over my own cat and refused to let me take her with me. I had to leave without my cat that day bc she started threatening to call the police. Next day she showed up at my doorstep out of nowhere with my cat AND my younger sibling's cat bc she claimed they couldn't be separated (they are litter mates but by this time were very independent from each other). So she dumped an extra cat on me bc she wanted to make me look like the bad guy to my sibling. All because she wanted to be in control. It didn't work, and I brought back my sibling's cat the next day when mom wasn't home, and she gave up after that. But it was still one of the wildest schemes she ever came up with.
There is a Dad on TikTok who lern everything about make-up because he wants to can talk about that with his doughters 💝 so called "dad lerns makeup" or something like that. I do not have TT, I've heard from him during a vid from a german youtuber.
"It's your fault that it's my fault!" seems to be what that horseshit boils down to.
My favorite move is when you stand up to them and say "No, you're not a bad person but you hurt me just now!" and they full on break down crying because they're so sorry they hurt you and feel sooooo guilty.
Then they go right back to doing the thing and claim to not remember the fucking conversation.
I do not miss living with the person who did that shit to me. And I don't put up with it anymore.
"Oh so I'm a terrible person?"
"Okay. If you say so."
"So you hate me!"
"I don't, but okay."
"I can't believe you're treating me like this!"
"Well, then I should go. Love you! Bye!"
And they text you 30,000 times.
Fucking hell.
Well all the pain didn't make me stronger
It made me ✨ disabled ✨
Same 😭🤣 Take care 💕
Phillip Larkin wrote 'This be the Verse' half a century ago. But I think realizing that your parents "fill you the faults they had / and add some extra just for you" is a very old and common human experience. And I hate that.
this video could not be more topical for me lmao, defo didn't just reach out to my mother after 4 years and being homeless at 16. fr if she goes back to making everything about her again im out because she still hasn't accepted her and my father kinda messed me up until i left and healed myself. 'at least you know no one will never hurt you more than me out there' is such an ewww comment mothers repeat. ty 4 the vid lol