I was in a different situation (my father was a violent alcoholic), but when I was in my early 20's I hung up on my father and never spoke to him again. He died 5 years later and I skipped the funeral. This led to the end of relationships with his entire family. There were some costs to my action, but for me personally it was the best decision I have ever made in my life (now I am in my 50's).
I’ve found a pros and cons list has helped my clients make that decision. By the time they are considering “no contact” there are very little pros in continuing the relationship. If they are not quite ready to go no contact, it helps to journal how they felt prior to engaging said family members and how they felt afterwards. This helps them to remember the last 5-10-15 interactions. Healing truly is a choice. And sometimes family members prevent us from becoming our true selves.
Love this! Next week's video is going to be about how to handle the family gatherings when you have decided to go, or if you haven't decided officially to cut ties yet so it'll be a long these lines too. I'm excited to hear your thoughts on that one too! Thanks for watching! 💜💜
Kelly, I ❤ your channel and really needed to hear this. I have no idea how you don't have a million subscribers, but thank you for everything you do! 🙏🏻🫂
Love all your points. ~ I'M still THEIR family. They should respect me respectfully too, if I am supposed to treat them respectfully. ~ I'm not going to be around forever, either. So I'm not going to let someone abuse me. ~ They only have one daughter/sister. So why aren't they respecting me?
I think I have stated to myself some of things what not to say in working through my own situation. I definitely needed to hear this and remind myself that boundaries matter. I appreciate the information.
I told my mother if she could respect my no contact for 1 year I would consider discussing how we would move forward. Its been about 7 years and she cant go more than 4 months without trying to contact me somehow. She even showed up at my place uninvited and unwanted last year. I had to call the police to keep her from leaving a bunch of junk at my place. Going no contact with her was the single best thing I ever did for my mental health, and while it is hard sometimes I know I am so much happier than I ever was.
Wow, good for you for standing up for yourself and drawing those boundaries. I know that wasn't easy, and it is especially hard to draw those boundaries against someone who should be able and willing to be supporting you. To watch her continue to put her needs above yours is I'm sure really hard. I'm sorry you are going through that, AND I am glad that you are seeing the mental health benefits. One does not negate the other. 🩷🩷
As a young adult who ran away from home from worse experiences than the lady in the letter, I would still be angry at the ladies parents for not respecting her as an adult who has outgrown the house. It sounds like they don’t live with these horrible family members so that’s a great thing; the distance. No contact can look different for multiple people, mine includes an IVO and police on speed dial, but it can also look like partial-contact just sending a message on national and personal holidays and events, but not forcing yourself to sit through a tough dinner with them, a text is enough to keep them around if that’s what you want to do. Another perspective could be to think about this draining toxic family dynamic and this little child you’re taking a role into adopting, would you want them to see these negative opinions and think having 2 mothers is odd? Or would you prefer to tell that child stories about why he can’t see his grandparents because they’re not nice people and he can live with that. Children are smart and if those parents already hold a strong grudge against this child because it’s not “blood” family then they’ve already shown you that they’re ready to abuse this child too. As a mother you wouldn’t want them to have to deal with your parents tantrums and you would want them to grow up loving their diverse upbringing!
How do you deal with guilt from leaving an abusive family when they have health issues and are going through alot and guilt from being closetd? Im not out and no one else is openly gay in my very conservative family. Ive been kicked out temporarily before and im scared of this again. This time my job will be lost with it and i wont be able to stay in school. People have been pressuring me to come out even though my partner knows whats going on with my family and is okay with me not being out. They are trying to say im ashamed of them but im not. That im not being an adult and dealing with my own shit. Im trying to finish school so i can leave and be myself. Still my grandad just died and my family is not doing good emotionally and financially and I feel guilty for it to an extent.
Just to clarify, if your partner is ok with you not being out who thinks you are ashamed of them? It is no one but you and your partner's business. When someone is feeling guilty it is important to identify the source. Are you feeling guilty because others are saying you owe them? Are you feeling guilty because YOU genuinely want to be there for your family? When you identify the source of those feelings (external/expectations vs internal desires and motivations) it can help guide you in the direction that will feel best for you. You do not own coming out to anyone. You especially don't owe it to a family who does not make it safe for you to be you. If a partner has a hard time with that, it is understandable, and they might not choose to wait for your perfect time. And that's fair, that's ok. That isn't a bad reflection of you or them, it just means the relationship isn't a good fit at that time. Does that make sense?
@KellyRMinter its a mix of both internal and external. I feel like I can be easily guilted and it's hard to keep my own wants and desires into focus. I want to be there for my family but I want my own life. I've never been able to have that. I'm autistic and dependent on them for alot but I'm working hard to be independent so the fact I need their help is one reason why I feel guilty. I want to openly show my girlfriend I want to openly be queer but I don't want things to be ruined by coming out too soon. I think things would be okay with my gf as she is comfortable with me not coming out and was told of this from the beginning. I had one gf in the past who was not and I guess her guilting me has carried into this relationship.
Thank you so much for talking about these things. I just found your channel and it’s so refreshing to listen to a therapist talk about issues that so many people suffer in silence from. I feel so seen after watching this one ❤️🩹🌈
I was in a different situation (my father was a violent alcoholic), but when I was in my early 20's I hung up on my father and never spoke to him again. He died 5 years later and I skipped the funeral. This led to the end of relationships with his entire family. There were some costs to my action, but for me personally it was the best decision I have ever made in my life (now I am in my 50's).
Wow, much needed during this time. This was articulated so well!🙏🏻
I'm so glad this was helpful. Thank you so much for watching 🩷🩷
I think one of the reasons we have to take so much time is because we don't always know what they are saying, but we "know" it ultimately.
I’ve found a pros and cons list has helped my clients make that decision. By the time they are considering “no contact” there are very little pros in continuing the relationship. If they are not quite ready to go no contact, it helps to journal how they felt prior to engaging said family members and how they felt afterwards. This helps them to remember the last 5-10-15 interactions. Healing truly is a choice. And sometimes family members prevent us from becoming our true selves.
Love this! Next week's video is going to be about how to handle the family gatherings when you have decided to go, or if you haven't decided officially to cut ties yet so it'll be a long these lines too. I'm excited to hear your thoughts on that one too! Thanks for watching! 💜💜
Kelly, I ❤ your channel and really needed to hear this. I have no idea how you don't have a million subscribers, but thank you for everything you do! 🙏🏻🫂
I agree, she should have at least a million subscibers!
Love all your points.
~ I'M still THEIR family. They should respect me respectfully too, if I am supposed to treat them respectfully.
~ I'm not going to be around forever, either. So I'm not going to let someone abuse me.
~ They only have one daughter/sister. So why aren't they respecting me?
I think I have stated to myself some of things what not to say in working through my own situation. I definitely needed to hear this and remind myself that boundaries matter. I appreciate the information.
I'm so glad it was helpful, thank you for watching 🧡🧡
I told my mother if she could respect my no contact for 1 year I would consider discussing how we would move forward. Its been about 7 years and she cant go more than 4 months without trying to contact me somehow. She even showed up at my place uninvited and unwanted last year. I had to call the police to keep her from leaving a bunch of junk at my place.
Going no contact with her was the single best thing I ever did for my mental health, and while it is hard sometimes I know I am so much happier than I ever was.
Wow, good for you for standing up for yourself and drawing those boundaries. I know that wasn't easy, and it is especially hard to draw those boundaries against someone who should be able and willing to be supporting you. To watch her continue to put her needs above yours is I'm sure really hard. I'm sorry you are going through that, AND I am glad that you are seeing the mental health benefits. One does not negate the other. 🩷🩷
You unpack what would otherwise be such complex situations with so much mental and emotional clarity!
Thank you! 🩷🩷🩷
Welp didn't think this video was for me until this morning.
I'm so sorry 💙
As a young adult who ran away from home from worse experiences than the lady in the letter, I would still be angry at the ladies parents for not respecting her as an adult who has outgrown the house. It sounds like they don’t live with these horrible family members so that’s a great thing; the distance.
No contact can look different for multiple people, mine includes an IVO and police on speed dial, but it can also look like partial-contact just sending a message on national and personal holidays and events, but not forcing yourself to sit through a tough dinner with them, a text is enough to keep them around if that’s what you want to do.
Another perspective could be to think about this draining toxic family dynamic and this little child you’re taking a role into adopting, would you want them to see these negative opinions and think having 2 mothers is odd? Or would you prefer to tell that child stories about why he can’t see his grandparents because they’re not nice people and he can live with that. Children are smart and if those parents already hold a strong grudge against this child because it’s not “blood” family then they’ve already shown you that they’re ready to abuse this child too. As a mother you wouldn’t want them to have to deal with your parents tantrums and you would want them to grow up loving their diverse upbringing!
All VERY good points 💜💜💜
Making a "fast" decision about going NC: I don't think the lightning speed of 37 YEARS would break any records (insert sad laugh)
💙💙
How do you deal with guilt from leaving an abusive family when they have health issues and are going through alot and guilt from being closetd? Im not out and no one else is openly gay in my very conservative family. Ive been kicked out temporarily before and im scared of this again. This time my job will be lost with it and i wont be able to stay in school. People have been pressuring me to come out even though my partner knows whats going on with my family and is okay with me not being out. They are trying to say im ashamed of them but im not. That im not being an adult and dealing with my own shit. Im trying to finish school so i can leave and be myself. Still my grandad just died and my family is not doing good emotionally and financially and I feel guilty for it to an extent.
Just to clarify, if your partner is ok with you not being out who thinks you are ashamed of them? It is no one but you and your partner's business.
When someone is feeling guilty it is important to identify the source. Are you feeling guilty because others are saying you owe them? Are you feeling guilty because YOU genuinely want to be there for your family? When you identify the source of those feelings (external/expectations vs internal desires and motivations) it can help guide you in the direction that will feel best for you.
You do not own coming out to anyone. You especially don't owe it to a family who does not make it safe for you to be you. If a partner has a hard time with that, it is understandable, and they might not choose to wait for your perfect time. And that's fair, that's ok. That isn't a bad reflection of you or them, it just means the relationship isn't a good fit at that time. Does that make sense?
@KellyRMinter its a mix of both internal and external. I feel like I can be easily guilted and it's hard to keep my own wants and desires into focus. I want to be there for my family but I want my own life. I've never been able to have that. I'm autistic and dependent on them for alot but I'm working hard to be independent so the fact I need their help is one reason why I feel guilty. I want to openly show my girlfriend I want to openly be queer but I don't want things to be ruined by coming out too soon. I think things would be okay with my gf as she is comfortable with me not coming out and was told of this from the beginning. I had one gf in the past who was not and I guess her guilting me has carried into this relationship.
Thank you so much for talking about these things. I just found your channel and it’s so refreshing to listen to a therapist talk about issues that so many people suffer in silence from. I feel so seen after watching this one ❤️🩹🌈
I'm so glad. Thank you for watching! 💜💜