Thank you for being a voice of reason! It is so foolish that parents believe they should refrain from using the word "no" at all! They are setting their children up for a world of disappointment and greater difficulty. Just today a friend commented she heard a mother say to another adult in the grocery store that they do not use the word "no" at all with their children. Ohhh boy. I also really appreciate your advice on using "no" in a positive manner. Great video! I watch them all :)
Being a Waldorf kid, I value not using the word no. And had successfully gotten my husband on board and Still maintain it. But...one Christmas with my family, my much much younger sister told my young one, no no no. And it took us about 3 months to break the game my little one had started to play. And even after hours of father daughter conversation my father still doesn't get why it upset me a little, and why I don't like to use the word no in my parenting. It did show me how much Steiner school has impacted me. And showed a clear definition between generations and our teaching methods. 🥰 It's so important to be mindful of the vocabulary we use when addressing our children and for a stay at home homeschooling mom, it's crazy stressful with a 3 yr old.🥳
Thank you for this video! I’d love to know more about responding to a child after the discipline. If they are upset with saying no or the boundary that has been set, how to respond to them in that time.
I have to say I used NO! when it came to hitting. If not close enough to stop the action, sometimes (especially if used very rarely!) a loud NO! can surprise a child and stop them long enough for you to get across the room and where the action is happening.
Thank you for sharing this, Sarah. It’s such a relief to know that we *are* indeed helping our children when we are firm in the way you described... because sometimes it’s so challenging and the urge to ‘give in’ gets strong! Your videos are wonderful and you are just lovely. Also - our family adores Bella Luna x
Hope all is well. I noticed there was no Sunday with Sarah video this week. Your videos are such an inspiration for our family and provide so much wonderful and heart felt information. Thank you for all you do.
It's funny, it might seem kind of unrelated at first but I was reading a book (The gift of fear) which delves into the topics of domestic abuse/stalking/romantic partners that become obsessive ect, What got to me is the advice he gives is the same you are giving to parents, do not cave to persistence, if the stalker calls you 23 times and you answer on the 24th, he then knows it takes 24 calls to get a response from you. Perhaps what your teaching is the groundwork for raising people who are not manipulative and who take the word no seriously and I think that should be a lesson to us all
Hello, I am Carla from Argentina. Thank you for all the videos you post! Could you talk about kindergarden adaptation? I see lot of children crying when their parents leave and i dont feel thats my way to do with my 3 years old daughter. Thank you .
Great video Sarah! I was hoping you could talk about motivating students. I have a 4th grader that I homeschool and there's been times I can't get him excited for school. He doesn't want to do the writing in the MLB. Some days he's great and gets into the work other days he just gets upset. Any advice would be appreciated Sarah!
Can you please explain to me what a "willful" child is? I remember my daycare teachers saying I was a "willful" child (I do not believe I went to a waldorf school), when one would definitely describe me as a troubled kid because I had an abusive household, and also was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD later in my adult years after many years of struggling despite my therapy. When you mean "willful", do you mean they are "problematic" in a specific scenario? If so, could you explain some scenarios on how one contains a "willful" child? Are some children too difficult to handle in your schools? Do you often see parents withdrawing their children who would be described this way? I ask because I have been in child education for a good while, but have eye-balled Waldorf schools and the gentler approach a lot of teachers have with children. In my experience, a lot of parents of difficult children are usually very problematic themselves and refuse to listen to teachers about their children's behavior -- despite my more gentle approaches to mitigating issues, sometimes a child had to be expelled for harming other children, teachers, or property. Are these technically considered "willful" in the waldorf education system?
Amazing content, thank you very much 🙏🏻 I know it’s unpopular to say but I have to admit that I use the word NO too much and I really struggle with maintaining calm and positive presence when they act like the little girl you described... Have you got some suggestion on being calm when feeling really angry? Thank you 🙏🏻
Staying calm when feeling very angry is so hard. But its a learning progress for all over our lives... I try to remember myself in these moments to take a moment for myself , and reminding myself that feeling angry and behaving angry are 2 different things. We can be angry, and its ok. But we shouldnt act according to it. Taking a time to breathe or maybe drinking some water. Whatever helps to cool down :) You can even say it to your child “ im feeling angry right now, and need some time to calm down” Its even a great lesson and example for them on dealing with emotions :)
I am trying to only say no for a good reason, however, my daughter wants a different toy every 2 minutes (she does not have access to all at the same time so the mess is manageable). This does not fall under any of your reasons, or does it? She is not hurting anybody and not hurting property. Would you give her new toys all the time? She is done playing with one thing so quickly. I make her clean up the last toy before she can have a new one, but it is so much work for me to constantly deal with this. She will be 4 soon. Thanks for your videos!
Maybe instead of saying no, let her choose a few toys during the intervals of your day. If she knows she can choose a new set of toys say, after breakfast, after snack time, after lunch, after dinner and trade in what she has. Maybe this rhythm will help her feel secure that she can play with whatever she wants to throughout the day, and keep the mess manageable at the same time. Maybe you can say," We will play with 'the toys she has' until snack time and then we will choose some new toys." Also maybe she needs some help in her selection so she can cover a variety of play, maybe she chooses a doll, and a blanket. You could include ten various blocks and a toy animal in case a new idea should take form and she needs different materials. I don't know what you are already doing, but I hope this will give you a spring board for some ideas. Good luck!
Not using the word “no”, doesnt mean the child should have everything what they ask for. But offering them something else. Maybe like: showing the toys and telling that these are the toys that can be played with now. Maybe she needs some toy rotation though? Or practicing playing on her own?
Hello sarah,my name is bela and a mother of 4,the eldest 14 and the youngest daughter is 3.im a doctor by profession and my youngest is very intelligent but hard to handle.there are frequent NOs because of her too many tantrums all day.its very hard to keep myself calm.what to do
i don’t feel a child needs discipline if they feel nurtured, loved and safe. just have a conversation about what went on, then there will be a trust between child and parent and child probably won’t wanna get in trouble.
I love your channel and advice. My 5 year old grandchild is consistently unkind to her soon to be stepdad and says terrible things about him to friends and teachers and even his own daughter. We all have been very patient and tell her pedagogical stories about the rewards of kindness and good deeds, but she is extremely willful and it is wearing on everyone, especially the stepdad. Any ideas on how to bring some peace to this situation? Thank you for any suggestions you may have!
Sounds tough, I'm not a teacher but a parent, for situations like hers as far as her being mean rude and disrespectful I'd go hard on discipline and consequences, she no longer gets her favorite treats and snacks when she has misbehaved. You must talk firmly and be emotionally controlled, when we maintain our composure children are more likely to listen to us because we are in control of ourselfs and they are able to trust us. Definetly do not allow her to get away with being disrespectful immediately interrupted her get down to her eye level and explain her behavior is unacceptable, you must be strong and be the leader.
I'm not Sarah or a Waldorf teacher, but maybe all the adults consistently let her know that that behavior is wrong and not appropriate? You all know the situation in detail. Let there be firmness and repetition in communicating with her that it is wrong and some type of discipline that aims to be fitting but the most gentle and merciful. It may be a little harder now that she is 5 because I've heard and read something about establishing socialization before age of 4....but of course shouldn't deter you at all. It is the adult/parent's responsibility to socialize the toddler to be pleasant and agreeable and polite. You want other children to look forward to playing with her. You would want other adults to genuinely smile at her presense in public. Don't let your children do anything that would make you resent them....seems to be sound advice.
Maybe a type of marble jar specifically for this problem.....or a large jar of pretty little things or sticker jar. Something with the same/similar item. Every time she says or does something cruel one thing gets taken out of the jar. Use some other separate system and object to reward for good behavior so she can see the marbles disappear when she keeps misbehaving towards the stepdad when she truly is wrong and unkind. Once she consistently displays good genuine behavior towards step dad (for at least a week? I don't know) then place all the marbles back in the jar. But yes, maybe a specific jar if this is her main behavioral issue. Good luck and God bless
Being a stepmum myself I would say that reprimanding the child for this will probably fuel her anxiety and fear and make things worse. I think you need to ask yourself what has changed in the family dynamic that has made her react like this and how you can make her feel safe and loved. There are some really helpful books about blended families and even some for children which you can read with your grandaughter. Mum and Stepdad also need to be extra kind to this child. Punishment or rewards will not change the way she feels or the underlying issue. Good luck.
I was wondering if it is possible this child may be immitating behavior she has seen or heard. I have observed sometimes children exhibit behavior that they found hurtful as a release of the pain they feel inside, sort of giving their pain to someone else. Perhaps this child does not feel accepted by this stepfather, possibly because he has his own child and she doesn't know how she fits into his affections, perhaps she is rejecting him before he can reject her. -a subconscious self preservation reaction. I'm afraid responding negatively to her negative behavior will just make her feel more alienated and less loved by all. Maybe what she really needs is tender moments with those she loves to show her she is not being replaced in their hearts by another child or even the stepfather. I also wonder if in all the excitement and the efforts to make the new family members feel welcome, the child may have felt forgotten. Lots of possibilities depending on the circumstances, but in any case punishing the child for feeling anger or pain and expressing those feelings will only deepen those feelings and worsen the problem. Intimidating and threatening a child's well-being by taking away the things she enjoys will only make her feel like her fears of being less important and less loved are validated. Good luck, in an case, it sounds like you have your work cut out for you.
In other words you restrained thde child against her will all because she couldnt go out woithout shoes? Are you kidding me? let the kid learn what shoes are for. All you did was force compliance. She was likely faking being nice out of fear of being held back again. You only think you are doing good, but only in your mind.
Are you kidding me? I don’t think you listened very well. She never said the child didn’t want to be held. Of course she didn’t restrain the child or hold her against her will!
Thank you for being a voice of reason! It is so foolish that parents believe they should refrain from using the word "no" at all! They are setting their children up for a world of disappointment and greater difficulty. Just today a friend commented she heard a mother say to another adult in the grocery store that they do not use the word "no" at all with their children. Ohhh boy. I also really appreciate your advice on using "no" in a positive manner. Great video! I watch them all :)
Being a Waldorf kid, I value not using the word no. And had successfully gotten my husband on board and Still maintain it. But...one Christmas with my family, my much much younger sister told my young one, no no no. And it took us about 3 months to break the game my little one had started to play. And even after hours of father daughter conversation my father still doesn't get why it upset me a little, and why I don't like to use the word no in my parenting. It did show me how much Steiner school has impacted me. And showed a clear definition between generations and our teaching methods. 🥰 It's so important to be mindful of the vocabulary we use when addressing our children and for a stay at home homeschooling mom, it's crazy stressful with a 3 yr old.🥳
Thank you, this video is very usefull to grandparents too...
Thank you for this video! I’d love to know more about responding to a child after the discipline. If they are upset with saying no or the boundary that has been set, how to respond to them in that time.
I have to say I used NO! when it came to hitting. If not close enough to stop the action, sometimes (especially if used very rarely!) a loud NO! can surprise a child and stop them long enough for you to get across the room and where the action is happening.
Very informative for me....I heartly thanku to you ma'am.....big big fan for your content delivery.
Thank you for sharing this, Sarah. It’s such a relief to know that we *are* indeed helping our children when we are firm in the way you described... because sometimes it’s so challenging and the urge to ‘give in’ gets strong! Your videos are wonderful and you are just lovely. Also - our family adores Bella Luna x
Hope all is well. I noticed there was no Sunday with Sarah video this week. Your videos are such an inspiration for our family and provide so much wonderful and heart felt information. Thank you for all you do.
Well said!!! Thank you👍
Thank you! Very helpful.
It's funny, it might seem kind of unrelated at first but I was reading a book (The gift of fear) which delves into the topics of domestic abuse/stalking/romantic partners that become obsessive ect,
What got to me is the advice he gives is the same you are giving to parents, do not cave to persistence, if the stalker calls you 23 times and you answer on the 24th, he then knows it takes 24 calls to get a response from you. Perhaps what your teaching is the groundwork for raising people who are not manipulative and who take the word no seriously and I think that should be a lesson to us all
Hello, I am Carla from Argentina. Thank you for all the videos you post! Could you talk about kindergarden adaptation? I see lot of children crying when their parents leave and i dont feel thats my way to do with my 3 years old daughter. Thank you .
Great video Sarah! I was hoping you could talk about motivating students. I have a 4th grader that I homeschool and there's been times I can't get him excited for school. He doesn't want to do the writing in the MLB. Some days he's great and gets into the work other days he just gets upset. Any advice would be appreciated Sarah!
Can you please explain to me what a "willful" child is? I remember my daycare teachers saying I was a "willful" child (I do not believe I went to a waldorf school), when one would definitely describe me as a troubled kid because I had an abusive household, and also was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD later in my adult years after many years of struggling despite my therapy.
When you mean "willful", do you mean they are "problematic" in a specific scenario? If so, could you explain some scenarios on how one contains a "willful" child? Are some children too difficult to handle in your schools? Do you often see parents withdrawing their children who would be described this way?
I ask because I have been in child education for a good while, but have eye-balled Waldorf schools and the gentler approach a lot of teachers have with children. In my experience, a lot of parents of difficult children are usually very problematic themselves and refuse to listen to teachers about their children's behavior -- despite my more gentle approaches to mitigating issues, sometimes a child had to be expelled for harming other children, teachers, or property. Are these technically considered "willful" in the waldorf education system?
Love it.
Amazing content, thank you very much 🙏🏻 I know it’s unpopular to say but I have to admit that I use the word NO too much and I really struggle with maintaining calm and positive presence when they act like the little girl you described... Have you got some suggestion on being calm when feeling really angry? Thank you 🙏🏻
You are not alone. Be gentle on yourself too.
Staying calm when feeling very angry is so hard. But its a learning progress for all over our lives...
I try to remember myself in these moments to take a moment for myself , and reminding myself that feeling angry and behaving angry are 2 different things. We can be angry, and its ok. But we shouldnt act according to it.
Taking a time to breathe or maybe drinking some water. Whatever helps to cool down :)
You can even say it to your child “ im feeling angry right now, and need some time to calm down”
Its even a great lesson and example for them on dealing with emotions :)
I am trying to only say no for a good reason, however, my daughter wants a different toy every 2 minutes (she does not have access to all at the same time so the mess is manageable). This does not fall under any of your reasons, or does it? She is not hurting anybody and not hurting property. Would you give her new toys all the time? She is done playing with one thing so quickly. I make her clean up the last toy before she can have a new one, but it is so much work for me to constantly deal with this. She will be 4 soon. Thanks for your videos!
Maybe instead of saying no, let her choose a few toys during the intervals of your day. If she knows she can choose a new set of toys say, after breakfast, after snack time, after lunch, after dinner and trade in what she has. Maybe this rhythm will help her feel secure that she can play with whatever she wants to throughout the day, and keep the mess manageable at the same time. Maybe you can say," We will play with 'the toys she has' until snack time and then we will choose some new toys." Also maybe she needs some help in her selection so she can cover a variety of play, maybe she chooses a doll, and a blanket. You could include ten various blocks and a toy animal in case a new idea should take form and she needs different materials. I don't know what you are already doing, but I hope this will give you a spring board for some ideas. Good luck!
Not using the word “no”, doesnt mean the child should have everything what they ask for. But offering them something else. Maybe like: showing the toys and telling that these are the toys that can be played with now.
Maybe she needs some toy rotation though? Or practicing playing on her own?
Hello sarah,my name is bela and a mother of 4,the eldest 14 and the youngest daughter is 3.im a doctor by profession and my youngest is very intelligent but hard to handle.there are frequent NOs because of her too many tantrums all day.its very hard to keep myself calm.what to do
i don’t feel a child needs discipline if they feel nurtured, loved and safe. just have a conversation about what went on, then there will be a trust between child and parent and child probably won’t wanna get in trouble.
I love your channel and advice. My 5 year old grandchild is consistently unkind to her soon to be stepdad and says terrible things about him to friends and teachers and even his own daughter. We all have been very patient and tell her pedagogical stories about the rewards of kindness and good deeds, but she is extremely willful and it is wearing on everyone, especially the stepdad. Any ideas on how to bring some peace to this situation?
Thank you for any suggestions you may have!
Sounds tough, I'm not a teacher but a parent, for situations like hers as far as her being mean rude and disrespectful I'd go hard on discipline and consequences, she no longer gets her favorite treats and snacks when she has misbehaved. You must talk firmly and be emotionally controlled, when we maintain our composure children are more likely to listen to us because we are in control of ourselfs and they are able to trust us. Definetly do not allow her to get away with being disrespectful immediately interrupted her get down to her eye level and explain her behavior is unacceptable, you must be strong and be the leader.
I'm not Sarah or a Waldorf teacher, but maybe all the adults consistently let her know that that behavior is wrong and not appropriate? You all know the situation in detail. Let there be firmness and repetition in communicating with her that it is wrong and some type of discipline that aims to be fitting but the most gentle and merciful. It may be a little harder now that she is 5 because I've heard and read something about establishing socialization before age of 4....but of course shouldn't deter you at all. It is the adult/parent's responsibility to socialize the toddler to be pleasant and agreeable and polite. You want other children to look forward to playing with her. You would want other adults to genuinely smile at her presense in public. Don't let your children do anything that would make you resent them....seems to be sound advice.
Maybe a type of marble jar specifically for this problem.....or a large jar of pretty little things or sticker jar. Something with the same/similar item. Every time she says or does something cruel one thing gets taken out of the jar. Use some other separate system and object to reward for good behavior so she can see the marbles disappear when she keeps misbehaving towards the stepdad when she truly is wrong and unkind. Once she consistently displays good genuine behavior towards step dad (for at least a week? I don't know) then place all the marbles back in the jar. But yes, maybe a specific jar if this is her main behavioral issue. Good luck and God bless
Being a stepmum myself I would say that reprimanding the child for this will probably fuel her anxiety and fear and make things worse. I think you need to ask yourself what has changed in the family dynamic that has made her react like this and how you can make her feel safe and loved. There are some really helpful books about blended families and even some for children which you can read with your grandaughter. Mum and Stepdad also need to be extra kind to this child. Punishment or rewards will not change the way she feels or the underlying issue. Good luck.
I was wondering if it is possible this child may be immitating behavior she has seen or heard. I have observed sometimes children exhibit behavior that they found hurtful as a release of the pain they feel inside, sort of giving their pain to someone else.
Perhaps this child does not feel accepted by this stepfather, possibly because he has his own child and she doesn't know how she fits into his affections, perhaps she is rejecting him before he can reject her. -a subconscious self preservation reaction.
I'm afraid responding negatively to her negative behavior will just make her feel more alienated and less loved by all. Maybe what she really needs is tender moments with those she loves to show her she is not being replaced in their hearts by another child or even the stepfather.
I also wonder if in all the excitement and the efforts to make the new family members feel welcome, the child may have felt forgotten.
Lots of possibilities depending on the circumstances, but in any case punishing the child for feeling anger or pain and expressing those feelings will only deepen those feelings and worsen the problem. Intimidating and threatening a child's well-being by taking away the things she enjoys will only make her feel like her fears of being less important and less loved are validated.
Good luck, in an case, it sounds like you have your work cut out for you.
Thankyou
Hello please add turkish subtitles thanks
In other words you restrained thde child against her will all because she couldnt go out woithout shoes? Are you kidding me? let the kid learn what shoes are for. All you did was force compliance. She was likely faking being nice out of fear of being held back again. You only think you are doing good, but only in your mind.
Are you kidding me? I don’t think you listened very well. She never said the child didn’t want to be held. Of course she didn’t restrain the child or hold her against her will!