Social anxiety really is something else. I hate making phone calls, taking phone calls, going out in public, answering my door... I'll even wait for my neighbour to get in their vehicle and leave before I walk out of the house to leave myself. Dumb but it's the way it is. 😕
@@mikesmith-wk7vy My friends are very few and far between, the ones who understand I'm a hermit and only come out once a year. I completely understand the interview issue, I'm the same way. I've been out of work for a few months now and every interview I just dread, in person or over the phone. Completely sweaty by the end of it. What he said in the video is very true though.. the longer you go without interaction the harder it becomes to get back out.
Im like that. Rationally I know people like me, gravitate to me and spark a conversation. I even think rationally people think I’m attractive as I have gotten compliments from random people I barely know about my looks or personality. But at the same time the irrational side of me wants to never be placed in a situation where I might have to talk to people and me not knowing what to say or people might think I’m weird or something. I get all sorts of horrible thoughts in my mind that I’m ugly, weird, dumb, a bad mom or wife etc. The irrational side takes over much more than the rational one sadly. I’ve been a stay at home mom for the past 7 years and I feel it’s gotten worse since I don’t really have to socialize. Last year my daughter started kindergarten so I’m forcing myself to be more involved for my kids sake. It’s really hard to do
One thing that helps with social anxiety is when you realize that most people really don't care or will ever sense what you are going through. It's actually an amazing gift having such a high level of awareness and it can work in your favor tremendously if you can channel it into positive stuff
However there are certain types of people who do care a lot - in negative and predatory way. That is in fact cause of trauma and abuse: narcissists, manipulators, psychopaths, bullies. They watch every move, anything spoken, they collect the data and use it against their target.
@@adriano1309 "he means in public situations where you are with strangers" Think about it logically. If you are scared of strangers - this is due to past trauma, bullying and mobbing experience. Invalidation of trauma is repetition of abuse. Can you imagine what kind of abuse there had to be that any similar situation to the past abuse is now a trigger and flashback. So let it go will not work in this setting. Also - there are people who are indeed paranoid and suffer from prosecution complex - this is not social anxiety, this is disorder that borders with schizophrenia and very small percentage of people suffer from it. And once again - advice to these people to stop it will not work. I would stay off from invalidation in general. Self pathologizing approach is also a wrong way. Many people have good intentions in offering unsolicited and unexperienced and unconfirmed advice - but as saying goes nice and good intentions are pavement to hell. It makes more damage than good.
What about when people intentionally follow you around because they want attention? "Flexing" to make themselves feel better because for whatever reason they think they're better than you
I can relate to this so much. I struggle with social anxiety a lot and it got way worse after an event that happened in my life. Sometimes I have to make myself go to public places and I practice taking deep breaths and telling myself that I am ok and pushing away the crazy thoughts.
@@brooklove90 Yes bc staying home where I'm comfortable is not challenging me to grow at all. I get stir crazy when I'm home too much and that is not healthy.
I had a mother who had severe social anxiety and horrible low self esteem. I really didn’t understand it until I read some of her journals after she passed away. I always knew she was different and she wasn’t always honest about her feelings and she always thought people were making fun of her behind her back. She never felt comfortable around people especially social settings. It made me so sad that she always thought she was ugly and she was gorgeous when she was younger. I have very few pictures of her smiling she didn’t even like her picture taken. And I never had a good self-esteem because of it. She didn’t raise me to know how to have a good self-esteem Or feel confident in myself because she didn’t. I had to learn it on my own later in life. I’ve always made sure I told my kids they were beautiful and that they could do anything they wanted and they could be anything they wanted
At some level all people have social anxiety. Social anxiety itself is not bad. It reminds us that we are human beings, vulnerable and have flaws and mistakes. Without it we would be mentally ill like Trump or Putin - since we would not have natural mechanism to feel shame, blame, guilt. Problem starts when we are abused by mentally ill people - mobbing, bullying, abuse - where problem are toxic people- not our natural reaction to criminally insane people. Problem is toxic shame that we internalize as the product of being in contact with aggressive psychopaths and sociopaths that we depend on due to shelter, finances, support, help or service or third party. When we speak about negative effects of social anxiety - it is always toxic people and toxic shame: external element. If we do not make this distinction - we will create mental illness inside us, we will destroy parts of ourselves that are human, vulnerable and needed for any basic contact with other people. Mentally ill people like Trump or Putin were raised in environment where nobody criticized them for bad behaviour. If we decide to reject, destroy and stigmatize social anxiety, we will create society of criminally insane narcissists and psychopaths such as Jordan Peterson, Trump, Putin, Bush family or Nixon or Republicans and any kind of conservatives in general. We will end up with toxic and corrupt corporations destroying our planet - since nobody will try to warn about transgressions in order not to hurt their feelings. We are talking here about balance and love. If we label social anxiety as illness - we will create chaos and disorder - since any emotion that is reaction to abuse would be labeled as sickness. In the end we will end up with lobotomy, and depending on other people to explain us how we feel and how we must be and define us as person. CBT is doing this and CBT must be banned.
Not shaming you or saying what you should do or tell your kids but just my thoughts.. I am exactly where you're mom was. I don't think my self esteem could get any worse and it makes every aspect of my life feel impossible to handle. Feeling too ugly to leave the house and feeling judged for it all the time. It's like a bad infection that just keeps spreading. I won't tell my children they are beautiful because I don't want them to focus or put put worth on appearance. My mom and dad told me I was beautiful a lot but it did nothing for my self esteem except reassure the notion that a woman's beauty=value. And imagine to my horror when I found that in the real world, I'm not beautiful. Even if my kids are actually beautiful, beauty fades. I want them to have long term self esteem. I will tell them how smart, talented,, funny and important they are. Of course when they dress up or go to prom or whatever I will tell them they look great
@@ranc1977 I don't agree with you I think It's important to recognize it with disorder and not just a normal thing trust me It's not normal not everyone have this It's so painful
@@ranc1977 Yes everyone does have some social anxiety but actually social anxiety disorder is when you get so anxious around others to the point it affects your ability to function and lead a normal life. E.g. in my case, I get unbearable physical symptoms and I am unable to leave the house. This clearly is not normal and requires treatment. So social anxiety is definitely an illness.
Exactly. Most people dont care about others to the extent anxious people believe that they do. That intense self-awarness to the extreme that it is so unhealthy.
I have pretty bad social anxiety I can pretty much consider it the greatest curse in my life it sucks so much. Failing in Keeping up with friends after I got out of school finding good jobs dating all just seems impossible, going into just stores and doctors being so uncomfortable just making eye contact and doing regular things seeming so out of place and to top it off having it for so long creating a lack of social skills meaning when I try to get out I kind of stand out and don’t know how to talk to people in conversation amplifying the problem just an endless cycle . So many people online who complain about “ anxiety” on social media don’t have a clue what it really is like this guy, me and other do.
Social Anxiety holds you back so much - I didn’t pass any of my exams that involved group speaking because if it (English gcse etc ) it’s held me back so much in lots of things after that too 😢
I’m 32 and have suffered from social anxiety since I was a child. School, university, jobs were all very difficult. I actually struggled to keep a job or romantic relationship more than 2-3 months because of it. The most useful tools I’ve used are: 1) Preparation-the more prepared I am, the more comfortable I am because I’ve already thought of that interaction/question and what I would say if it comes up. 2) Ask for help. Most people enjoy feeling like they actually can make a difference. I often will ask a coworker to show/explain something or I’ll ask a friend to stick with me at a party until I’m comfortable enough. 3. Do things you really enjoy, are passionate about, or that have immediate reward. Often wanting something really bad gives us the courage to do what scares us. It’s difficult to get me to do an interview for a job or take my shirt off and go swimming, but I’d always do an audition for playing music/acting or go on a date with a beautiful woman. Follow your hearts desires. They’re often enough to make you leap and try.
"The most useful tools I’ve used are: 1) Preparation 2) Ask for help. 3. Do things you really enjoy" Nope - these are all safety mechanisms as reaction to trauma. It is still very much social anxiety. Preparation - it simply means that you are afraid of making mistakes and so common trauma response is that we prepare ourselves, that we are perfectionist. This leads to hypervigilance, worry, anxiety and more fears from people - since you are not allowing yourself to test and see what happens when you are not prepared and when you do not know and when people are mad at you for being not prepared. This need to prepare and to know all and to be super is hamster wheel that keep us wanting to gain approval from other people in order not to harm us as they did in the past. When we prepare - we are not comfortable at all, there is PureOCD mechanism that keeps demands for preparation more and more, and instead of enjoying life and being spontaneous we spend a large sum of money , time and brain activity in contemplating how to avoid someone's anger, temper tantrum and criticism. This is social anxiety at its core- where we believe we are free, making free choices - but instead we are in the prison without knowing that we are in the prison. Stop preparing. IF someone does not like you because yo are not perfect . that person is mentally ill and toxic - and avoid such people. Ask for help - again, you ask to be prepared, to gain approval, admiration and validation from other people. Ask for help because you need help. not because you want to avoid someone's anger. Do things you enjoy - when we have toxic shame internalized inside us, we do not have Real Self. Instead there is False Self. This means - we have no idea what we enjoy. We know we enjoy not being screamed at, not being criticized, yelled at, we enjoy not being ashamed - all things that compose complex trauma which is behind social anxiety. Instead of true self which would tell us what we enjoy we have a simulation of self, hologram of self that is explaining us what we enjoy trough the lens of other people - their approval, their conformism, their groupthink, their herd mentality. Anti dote to toxic shame and trauma is cutting toxic people out- and learning about narcissistic abuse, how to recognize covert narcissist - aggressive borderliners who appear as friend to us but they attack and exploit us, it is about learning about mobbing and bullying and abuse and how to heal it. We have nothing to fix nor prepare nor to overcompensate about ourselves. We are not problem Abuse and toxic people made us believe that we are the problem and that we must depend on other people , that we must prepare for them so that they can take advantage of us through parasiting our good and kind nature. Instead of self pathology - cut toxic people and see how it feels when you do not spend your precious time, energy nor money on preparations or seeking approval from toxic people.
It’s interesting hearing someone go through what I do very few people I hear about or run into know that experience. What they call anxiety is nothing to what real social anxiety is. The not knowing what to say that sucks so bad then it just makes the anxiety worse then the cycle repeats over and over and it just seems like conversation is so easy for other people taking to me and it’s so hard from my view
"The not knowing what to say " Stop self pathology. There is nothing wrong with you. Social anxiety means we were abused, we were bullied into submission and toxic shame (deep core belief that we are inept, weird and unacceptable). Once you understand that mobbing is behind social anxiety, that there is trauma - which means being conditioned into doubt what to say - you will realize that you are not the problem at all. Problem are toxic people. Problem are their nagging, complaining, their manipulation, mocking and their sick definition about what is allowed to say , when to say and how much to say. Social anxiety is belief that we must change ourselves in order to crap fit into mentally ill society full of narcissists, conformism and groupthink herd mentality. Start cutting toxic people out of your life and see if it gets better. You are not your saying. You are not your mistakes, you are not your flaws. Toxic shame that toxic people are spreading around is that they equate our mistakes and flaws and lack of knowledge with our basic character, with our self worth - and then we feel like crap. And this is what toxic people want - since this is the only way to control you and keep you silent and away from resources that they can claim for themselves. If you stay out, if you do not express your opinion, if you do not claim what is yours and your rights - then they can have all. That is what toxic people do. Stop blaming yourself and stop putting unreasonable expectations on yourself - there is nothing to fix about you. Other people are problem, not you.
How the heck is he supposed to not worry? Didn’t you hear him say he’s in a deep depression and doesn’t have a job? I’m in the same exact boat as him, I just recently sold off my business and have extreme anxiety and depression. I wish you would have touched on that a little bit..
I have a Neuro condition since a teen shaking head made me so anxious I avoided people. Killed my life. Sucked. Try to beat when young. Shapes your entire life.
I struggled with severe social anxiety for years and wouldn't leave the house alone, wouldn't speak on the phone, or send emails. I would freeze up and sometimes black out if someone spoke to me. Meds & good doctors really helped, as well as realizing that I wasn't an accident: God created me, I am not broken, and I am allowed to exist. I was so much of a rule-follower that I was terrified of breaking some social rule. I came to realize that not only do those rules not exist, but I can make OWN rules, like...I can say whatever I want! I don't shake hands if I don't want to! Don't make eye contact if it's uncomfortable! Leave when I want to! Such a simple thing but it changed my life.
"The smoke alarm analogy really helped" Smoke alarm analogy was incomplete. Smoke alarm is good,, smoke alarm is not pathology. IF you remove smoke alarm, it is the same as lobotomy - you cut piece of yourself that is working and that is healthy. Smoke alarm warns us about predators and toxic people out there. It is not wrong to know when you are being exploited and taken advantage of. Smoke alarm is Darwin evolution - we learned about it in school our feelings of social anxiety are the very part of Darwinism, this magical and mysterious concept that we learned in the school that we thought is only connected to exotic plants and animals. When we are bullied, when we experience mobbing and abuse - our smoke alarm will not be broken. Instead, as Darwin evolution - smoke alarm will upgrade itself. Smoke alarm will start to detect more fake people out there, more psychopaths, more hidden agenda, more mentally ill aggressive people out there- smoke alarm is litmus test for pathological people who are hidden behind good intentions, friendly attitude, smiles and advice or service that they offer without us asking them in the first place. With smoke alarm we have ability to detect hidden predators. Do not self pathologize yourself. Trust your intuition and your self inside. Do not listen to people with low IQ and psychopathy to explain you what is normal and accepted. Lean on your common sense instead.
On top of the advice... He needs to supplement with vitamin B cimplex rich foods ... Like nutritional yeast, liver etc. And cut out caffeine, it makes it worse plus cut the sugar, it may help somewhat
Good advice Dr John. Thank you. This was useful. All the best to the caller. My unsolicited advice:Learn your enneagram type and mbti type. Study other types too. Most people don't give a damn and are alot are not even capable of understanding you( due to cognitive functions / mbti) I am recovering from social anxiety, I still get it sometimes. Live according to your own rules. Be a little more selfish. Prioritize yourself/ health
I've suffered with social anxiety my whole life since early childhood now 62. I never formed any close relationships with anyone after leaving my childhood neighborhood friends. I never dated and had a love relationship with anyone. I had just a few blind dates I was set up on by a childhood friend when I was 22 and one by my sister along the same time. Of course I embarrassed myself on all of them being so quiet and inexperienced. I never dated anymore after that. I struggled through life but was able to support myself. I've now been retired for 5 years living in almost total isolation. I go for a month at a time without seeing or speaking to anyone. I've never been close to any family and both parents have passed. Most of the time I avoid having to face my social anxiety symptoms because I'm alone all the time now. It's to the point that it seems silly the lengths I go to avoid the embarrassment and panic attacks sometimes. For example I've probably only talked on a telephone twice in the past 20 years and they were times I couldn't figure out a way to avoid them, like getting lockout out of my bank account online or something. Another example of going to the extreme, my modem I'm using is too slow. I bought a new one 4 years ago and have yet activated it because the only way I can is to call tech support. There is things a can do and never feel any anxiety. I can go on a week long fishing trip alone to the beach and talk fishing to strangers all week. There is also things I cannot do and avoid like the plague. The phone for one, going through a drive thru to order food, doctor or dentist appointments, or sitting in crowds of people like a theater or concert. Then there is some like Jury Duty. I go into panic mode from the day I receive the summons in the mail with my heart racing and skipping beats and nonstop worrying and thinking about it until I either find I don't have to go down or I go and get it behind me a couple months later. I'm sure practicing the things that cause the anxiety would help but I've avoided them for so long now the only ones left are few and far between there is not a lot of chances to practice. I hate what I missed out on in life but even if my social anxiety was cured now I can't get that back. Most the time I'm fine now but I hate life and go through spells of deep depression and loneliness but I know it usually eases some also in a few days. I guess I will always wonder if my parents would have seen the problems I had when I wasn't at home after I started school and gotten me help when it all began if it would have made a difference in my life. I was in my late 20s before I finally settled into a career and move out of my parents house. I guess I could have tried to get help since I had my own insurance then but never did.
@@FaridSai-f1y Thanks for asking. No change. Do everything you can to break the cycle while you're young. No one needs to end up where I'm at in life. I don't like it but I'm coping with being alone. I've got a fishing trip planned for next month alone but I usually meet a lot of new people there. The coming holiday season gets a little hard but I've found if I binge watch Christmas movies it usually gets me through it. The rest the time I neither see or speak to anyone any longer.
@@marklanmeadows Hello, I'm a 30 year old man and I've been socially anxious and depressed, and I'm thinking agoraphobic my whole life. It was only at the very end of being 27 that I realised I might have social anxiety disorder. I also have the bouts of loneliness and depression you talked about. My mood fluctuated so badly that you'd think I'm a different person sometimes. Of course, I couldn't tell the difference, but eventually I realised it. It was only at the beginning of this year that I decided I would try medication for depression even though I have always been against it. Well, it kind of worked for me. I won't say I'm a happy guy with a wonderful mood, but my mood is more stable on most days of the week and most of the day as well as it's not low and miserable. I don't feel the loneliness, worthlessness, hopelessness as often. I don't know how to describe it very well, but it's like when you have that one normal day every now and then where you know your life isn't the way you really want it, but it's completely weghing you down. I can enjoy the moment sometimes. And comparing that to want to die and end everything, it's pretty darn good. Not happiness, but not misery either. Just somewhat normal. It's good enough for me. I am still very anxious evident by how much I avoid things like going out unless I have to or thinking other people dislike me or I think aggressively towards them like they're my enemies that I have to avoid, but the anxiety is more tolerable without being so utterly depressed and down all the time. I write this to tell you that you might want to try medication. It's expensive and makes you feel like there's something is fundamentally wrong with you, but it would actually work. I was prescribed something called Brintellix and it worked for me well enough for the depression. I just hope it keeps working for me. If you feel depressed, give that a try just to be sure. Nothing much to lose, really. And with social anxiety, CBT stuff does work to a certain degree. I tried it twice and it did work, but I got so depressed again and stopped. I read from your comment that you avoided certain things a lot and you frame it as sometimes in an embarrassingly far reaching ways. As soon as I read avoidance, I also recognised it as anxiety. Exposure therapy does work in that it gives you the chance to know that you can have control should you want to do something. Avoiding things makes it harder I sincerely understand that. It's just it could be worth it to expose yourself to things you avoid very gently and in very small steps. Medication and CBT, please try them out if you haven't. I suggest looking up a social anxiety CBT specialist names Larry Cohen who resides in Washington DC because his work is very easy to digest. Look up Overcoming social anxiety by Larry Cohen here on TH-cam and you'll find an hour long video that could really help. Your age shouldn't be the reason to not consider such things. Take good care.
Seriously people do not begin to understand the magnitude of hope this guy brings to the table. I fantasize about getting back to a point where I can easily be myself, and feeling happy and know I am connecting to others because I feel like I am connected to others. The fact that Dr. John was able to get "on the other side" of anxiety is such a relief for me to hear, as well as the other millions of people who have done so. It really really gives me hope and faith that I can also achieve the same thing. I am aware it will not be easy, and it will not be overnight. I just do want to have the right structure for me or someone guiding me that have faced the same struggles. if you are going through this very uncomfortableness just know you are not alone
I’ve had it for pretty much my whole life and practice is so much harder than it sounds. Having it for so long makes my social skills really bad so trying to just enjoy time with people and conversation with new people is hard because I never know what to say then I get even more nervous then it gets harder and the cycle repeats so nothing ever gets better. And his note does what you think will happen ever happen the answer is yes for sure, for example I thought joining a flag football team in college would be good for my anxiety and I was wrong I just embarrassed my self a few times they just put me on the sidelines the interactions would be just exhausting so I just gave up it was as bad as I thought it would be and attempts to date end up the same way
The “curiosity” about your own anxiety really resonated with me. Earlier today, I found myself in a doom spiral online looking up climate change predictions. I really let it get ahold of me, but then I had a moment where I asked myself “Wait, what triggered me to start looking all this stuff up?” And just taking a moment to be curious and analyze how I reached a thought process helped me feel better.
@@yingyang7448 In general, it’s a huge issue for the planet, so it’s been heavy on my mind for at least the past year or so. However, worrying about it without action is not helpful. In fact, it can be really unhealthy for me. Today, it’s actually hard to say what started the negative train of thought. I think it was because I was listening to a podcast about trying to keep a sense of control in your life in an unpredictable world. It’s a stretch, but somehow that got my mind on the unpredictability of the future of our world.
I never heard John talk about hypnosis. My anxiety went down significantly by having a few sessions with an hypnosis practitioner. It works really fast
@@louiseleite3866 I’ve never heard him say anything at all about being a Christian or any proof that he’s a Christ follower. He said he was a man of faith, but I think that means something completely different for him.
If he is like me he gets it he says ok yea I’ll practice but it’s not that easy, he sounds about as bad as me and just practicing never seems to work or make a difference I still don’t know what to say when I try to practice. I have thrown myself out there but then I have no idea what to say making the anxiety worse then it’s a cycle that repeats.
No one can talk you out of Social Anxiety its a disease with no cure. Strength to all who are suffering as for me its affecting my job and my ability to be great and excel im about to quit and go into livestock
Social anxiety is part of Complex Trauma. Being on stage naked is not social anxiety, that is Performance anxiety, totally different condition of anxiety. Avoidance is safety mechanism. When removed - we become pushover and people pleaser to survive, fawning. Social anxiety is being bullied, it is being in mobbing situation: where you cannot leave and you are yelled at, you are pushed, someone is abusing you, verbally and violent towards you. Social anxiety is normal reaction to abnormal people, abnormal situations and abnormal events. IF we decide to self pathologize our safety mechanisms (avoidance) we will develop toxic shame and additional neurosis already present inside due to abuse. Problem is not avoidance. Problem are toxic people. IF we decide to self blame and self hate ourselves and decide that there is something broken inside us (alarm system malfunctioning) - we will develop more anxiety. Our brain is developed to be alarm system. For some people this alarm is very sensitive - either due to HSP or abuse. Alarm is not problem at all. Problem are and always been: toxic people. If we decide to believe that we are deficient, that we must practice, that we must stop this or that - we will develop more anxiety. Our brain will develop new ways to protect itself. Instead of self pathologizing approach of blaming ourselves for abuse and trauma, and ignoring our fears as insignificant and something to remove and reject: we are repeating the trauma. This process of negating our feelings is called invalidation. Invalidation creates trauma and fears and anxiety. The point is that in life we have self worth: that we have plans for our life, that we do not depend on other people's approval and validation and that we trust ourselves. So if we decide that we have faulty alarm and that we must face some unknown fears and to engage in social contact with everyone - we will end up with toxic and abusive people. This means more anxiety, more neurosis, more fears. Instead of negating social avoidance - I would approve it and remove even more toxic people out. If we have fears, due to trauma and abuse - we will attract abusive people, they are attracted to fearful people like moth to a flame. So advice to talk to all people and engage in all contact with everyone will only break our boundaries and we will become pushover and people pleaser - since we will negate our instinct that some people are abusive and dangerous and that we can block and mute them out. Worry is sign that we are intelligent. I would not self pathologize this incredible ability that animals do not have. We will stop to worry naturally once we remove toxic people out of our life. With abuse we develop codependency and external referencing locus of control and we believe other people are competent because they apparently are not afraid nor they talk about social fears. In reality, they are either dumb or they are liars. All people have certain levels of social anxiety - it is only that with IQ we can detect it, or certain bullies and manipulators abuse fears and ashaming as a way to control others. CBT lumps social fears into hallucination. That is why I think CBT is bad therapy and it ought to be banned. in reality there are different social fears, not related to each other, with more known factor behind it: 1) Shyness - it is feeling social threat feelings at some social event, but social fear wear off quickly and shy person is not bothered by it again 2) Social anxiety - it is feeling of social threat before the event, during event and after event. Fears do not wear off and you keep ruminating about it. This is due to trauma, condition called CPTSD and it is not hallucination neither delusion nor illusion. 3) Social anxiety disorder - it is feeling of social threat at safe events, when you know that person around you will not harm you. For example in safe, empty room, and you are with Oprah or Mandela or Mother Theresa or Gandhi - the safest person you can ever imagine - but you still feel threat that they might harm you. This condition is part of Paranoid Delusional Disorder, and only 1% of population has it. 4) Narcissistic disorder - it is feeling of social threat triggered when someone warns and alarms you for being intrusive. Due to confirmation bias you are not realizing that you are rude and arrogant and intrusive - so you conclude that you feel social anxiety due to unknown reason from random people. 5) Autistic disorder - you live in your world and you are not aware that you appear threatening to people, for example you do not say Hi to them or smile back to them. So you feel social anxiety because you feel tense and awkward in social situations and you have no idea why. 6) Performance anxiety - when you feel social fears when performing in public CBT lumps all these as hallucination (something that we imagine) in order to make it easier for therapy. However oversimplifications leads to distortions. So CBT is using cognitive distortion - over-generalization paradoxically to explain social anxiety as cognitive distortion. There is Jane Elliott's Blue Eyes, Brown Eyes experiment, exercise - that showed that social settings can influence the targets. There is Narcissistic abuse: Long-Term Narcissistic Abuse Can Cause Brain Damage. There is Stanford prison experiment where it is shown that targets of abuse in toxic ambient where they cannot escape from will develop extreme social anxiety. There is Skinner's box and Little Albert experiment which shows that people can be conditioned and initiated into social anxiety. Quotes to consider: "Since most non-HSPs do not seem to enjoy thinking about solutions, they assume we must be unhappy doing all that pondering. Preferring toughness, the culture sees our trait as something difficult to live with, something to be cured." The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron "Improving our relationships is improving our mental health." William Glasser They see us as timid, shy, weak, or unsociable. Fearing these labels, we try to be like others. But that leads to our becoming overaroused and distressed. Then that gets us labeled neurotic or crazy, first by others then by ourselves. The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron may be a mistake maker, but I'm also a mistake breaker. Maxwell Maltz Control is a dangerous thing. And errors, errors are what is the real expression of the individual. Because if Picasso puts an eye where it shouldn't be, one sees it more clearly that if placed where it should be. Jean Cocteau "Sooner or later everyone encounters stressful life experiences, but HSPs react more to such stimulation. If you see this reaction as part of some basic flaw, you intensify the stress already present in any life crisis. This deeper processing of subtle details causes you to consider the past or future more. You "just know" how things got to be the way they are or how they are going to turn out. It can be wrong, but your intuition is right often enough that HSPs tend to be visionaries, more conscientious, cautious and wise people. It is important not to confuse arousal with fear. And often we think that our arousal is due to fear. We do not realize that our heart may be pounding from the sheer effort of processing extra stimulation. I really suggest trying to view it as neutral. HSPs must spend far more time trying to invent solutions to human problems just because they are more sensitive to hunger, cold, insecurity, exhaustion, and illness. Since most non-HSPs do not seem to enjoy thinking about such things, they assume we must be unhappy doing all that pondering. Spend enough time putting yourself out there in the world - your sensitivity is not something to be feared. Carl Jung believed that when highly sensitive patients has experienced a trauma, they had been unusually affected and so developed a neurosis. Preferring toughness, the culture sees our trait as something difficult to live with, something to be cured. HSPs differ mainly in their sensitive processing of subtle stimuli. This is your most basic quality." The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron Interpersonal strife with those close to us leads to rifts and resentments that produce symptoms of mental illness; these problems are, in fact, the logical consequence of troubled relationships. Glasser emphasizes that lasting psychological problems are usually caused by problems in our personal relationships (rather than signifying a biochemical abnormality in the brain), and distress can be remedied through repairing these relationships without recourse to psych drugs. WILLIAM GLASSER Controlling Habits: Blaming Criticizing Complaining Nagging Rewarding To Control Threatening Punishing William Glasser William Glasser "What's my Choice" Connecting Habits: Listening Supporting Encouraging Negotiating Respecting Accepting Trusting Abuse is NOT caused by bad relationship dynamics. You can't manage your partner's abusiveness by changing your behaviour. But he wants you to think you can. Lundy Bancroft Any attempt to dictate what thoughts, feelings, and sensations are proper or improper creates a breeding ground for guilt and shame. Peter A. Levine
Social anxiety really is something else. I hate making phone calls, taking phone calls, going out in public, answering my door... I'll even wait for my neighbour to get in their vehicle and leave before I walk out of the house to leave myself. Dumb but it's the way it is. 😕
I do exactly the same. I listen at the door to make sure no-one is on the staircase when I need to leave my flat.
@@JessieCori We do some silly things, that's for sure. Pretty sure human interaction isn't going to kill us... but we act like it! 😂
Me too , it sucks I lost contact with my friends the few I had after college I get so nervous in interviews can’t get a better job it all just sucks
@@mikesmith-wk7vy My friends are very few and far between, the ones who understand I'm a hermit and only come out once a year. I completely understand the interview issue, I'm the same way. I've been out of work for a few months now and every interview I just dread, in person or over the phone. Completely sweaty by the end of it. What he said in the video is very true though.. the longer you go without interaction the harder it becomes to get back out.
Could you have Asperger's syndrome? That is what a lot of Asperger's/autistic people do. I avoid talking to people I like sometimes.
I have debilitating social anxiety. Everyday is a major struggle. Trust me, I get it!
Imagine being sociable and approachable and still have some social anxiety…. It’s a struggle .
Im like that. Rationally I know people like me, gravitate to me and spark a conversation. I even think rationally people think I’m attractive as I have gotten compliments from random people I barely know about my looks or personality. But at the same time the irrational side of me wants to never be placed in a situation where I might have to talk to people and me not knowing what to say or people might think I’m weird or something. I get all sorts of horrible thoughts in my mind that I’m ugly, weird, dumb, a bad mom or wife etc. The irrational side takes over much more than the rational one sadly. I’ve been a stay at home mom for the past 7 years and I feel it’s gotten worse since I don’t really have to socialize. Last year my daughter started kindergarten so I’m forcing myself to be more involved for my kids sake. It’s really hard to do
Try being a man with social anxiety..nothing is worst.
One thing that helps with social anxiety is when you realize that most people really don't care or will ever sense what you are going through. It's actually an amazing gift having such a high level of awareness and it can work in your favor tremendously if you can channel it into positive stuff
However there are certain types of people who do care a lot - in negative and predatory way.
That is in fact cause of trauma and abuse: narcissists, manipulators, psychopaths, bullies. They watch every move, anything spoken, they collect the data and use it against their target.
@@ranc1977 I would assume he means in public situations where you are with strangers, though that is something to keep in mind
@@adriano1309 "he means in public situations where you are with strangers"
Think about it logically.
If you are scared of strangers - this is due to past trauma, bullying and mobbing experience. Invalidation of trauma is repetition of abuse. Can you imagine what kind of abuse there had to be that any similar situation to the past abuse is now a trigger and flashback. So let it go will not work in this setting.
Also - there are people who are indeed paranoid and suffer from prosecution complex - this is not social anxiety, this is disorder that borders with schizophrenia and very small percentage of people suffer from it. And once again - advice to these people to stop it will not work.
I would stay off from invalidation in general.
Self pathologizing approach is also a wrong way.
Many people have good intentions in offering unsolicited and unexperienced and unconfirmed advice - but as saying goes nice and good intentions are pavement to hell. It makes more damage than good.
What about when people intentionally follow you around because they want attention? "Flexing" to make themselves feel better because for whatever reason they think they're better than you
@@adriano1309 pretenders can be strangers
I hate social anxiety. It hinders every aspect of life. I just want to get rid of it and I'm trying taking baby steps.
I wish I had listened to this call when I was a teenager. My mental health would have been so much better off. Social anxiety sucks 😖
"worry is an addiction"
Amen!
I can relate to this so much. I struggle with social anxiety a lot and it got way worse after an event that happened in my life.
Sometimes I have to make myself go to public places and I practice taking deep breaths and telling myself that I am ok and pushing away the crazy thoughts.
@@brooklove90 Yes bc staying home where I'm comfortable is not challenging me to grow at all. I get stir crazy when I'm home too much and that is not healthy.
I had a mother who had severe social anxiety and horrible low self esteem. I really didn’t understand it until I read some of her journals after she passed away. I always knew she was different and she wasn’t always honest about her feelings and she always thought people were making fun of her behind her back. She never felt comfortable around people especially social settings. It made me so sad that she always thought she was ugly and she was gorgeous when she was younger. I have very few pictures of her smiling she didn’t even like her picture taken. And I never had a good self-esteem because of it. She didn’t raise me to know how to have a good self-esteem Or feel confident in myself because she didn’t. I had to learn it on my own later in life. I’ve always made sure I told my kids they were beautiful and that they could do anything they wanted and they could be anything they wanted
At some level all people have social anxiety.
Social anxiety itself is not bad. It reminds us that we are human beings, vulnerable and have flaws and mistakes.
Without it we would be mentally ill like Trump or Putin - since we would not have natural mechanism to feel shame, blame, guilt.
Problem starts when we are abused by mentally ill people - mobbing, bullying, abuse -
where problem are toxic people- not our natural reaction to criminally insane people.
Problem is toxic shame that we internalize as the product of being in contact with aggressive psychopaths and sociopaths that we depend on due to shelter, finances, support, help or service or third party.
When we speak about negative effects of social anxiety - it is always toxic people and toxic shame: external element.
If we do not make this distinction - we will create mental illness inside us, we will destroy parts of ourselves that are human, vulnerable and needed for any basic contact with other people.
Mentally ill people like Trump or Putin were raised in environment where nobody criticized them for bad behaviour.
If we decide to reject, destroy and stigmatize social anxiety, we will create society of criminally insane narcissists and psychopaths such as Jordan Peterson, Trump, Putin, Bush family or Nixon or Republicans and any kind of conservatives in general. We will end up with toxic and corrupt corporations destroying our planet - since nobody will try to warn about transgressions in order not to hurt their feelings.
We are talking here about balance and love.
If we label social anxiety as illness - we will create chaos and disorder - since any emotion that is reaction to abuse would be labeled as sickness. In the end we will end up with lobotomy, and depending on other people to explain us how we feel and how we must be and define us as person.
CBT is doing this and CBT must be banned.
Not shaming you or saying what you should do or tell your kids but just my thoughts.. I am exactly where you're mom was. I don't think my self esteem could get any worse and it makes every aspect of my life feel impossible to handle. Feeling too ugly to leave the house and feeling judged for it all the time. It's like a bad infection that just keeps spreading. I won't tell my children they are beautiful because I don't want them to focus or put put worth on appearance. My mom and dad told me I was beautiful a lot but it did nothing for my self esteem except reassure the notion that a woman's beauty=value. And imagine to my horror when I found that in the real world, I'm not beautiful. Even if my kids are actually beautiful, beauty fades. I want them to have long term self esteem. I will tell them how smart, talented,, funny and important they are. Of course when they dress up or go to prom or whatever I will tell them they look great
It makes me so sad
@@ranc1977 I don't agree with you I think It's important to recognize it with disorder and not just a normal thing trust me It's not normal not everyone have this It's so painful
@@ranc1977 Yes everyone does have some social anxiety but actually social anxiety disorder is when you get so anxious around others to the point it affects your ability to function and lead a normal life. E.g. in my case, I get unbearable physical symptoms and I am unable to leave the house. This clearly is not normal and requires treatment. So social anxiety is definitely an illness.
Exactly. Most people dont care about others to the extent anxious people believe that they do. That intense self-awarness to the extreme that it is so unhealthy.
This self awareness is result of trauma, being programmed to toxic shame, due to relentless criticism 24/7 while growing up. It is hypnosis.
Yes, problem is even if we know 100% that no one cares we still feel the anxiety
@@mikaelfarro then it becomes a chemical issue. There are medications for a malfonctionning GABA system. No offense. Good luck to you.
I feel this guy. Pushy people can really be challenging and make conversation prep soo much worse.
Not pushy. Say it like it really is. Abusive people. Criminally insane.
I feel for This guy . I know the feeling .
Facts over feelings
@@dabd8175 he is out of luck unless he is rich enough to afford a good therapist
I have pretty bad social anxiety I can pretty much consider it the greatest curse in my life it sucks so much. Failing in Keeping up with friends after I got out of school finding good jobs dating all just seems impossible, going into just stores and doctors being so uncomfortable just making eye contact and doing regular things seeming so out of place and to top it off having it for so long creating a lack of social skills meaning when I try to get out I kind of stand out and don’t know how to talk to people in conversation amplifying the problem just an endless cycle
. So many people online who complain about “ anxiety” on social media don’t have a clue what it really is like this guy, me and other do.
Mike I get it!
Trust me man I get it. I have a job interview next week and I’m losing it. It will come and go. Having a family makes it so tough on me.
Social Anxiety holds you back so much - I didn’t pass any of my exams that involved group speaking because if it (English gcse etc ) it’s held me back so much in lots of things after that too 😢
My anxiety was increasing a the beginning of this call. Social anxiety is real! Ugh!
Dr John is the best! I love how he always relates to all of us as listeners and followers. Bless this man!
I’m 32 and have suffered from social anxiety since I was a child. School, university, jobs were all very difficult. I actually struggled to keep a job or romantic relationship more than 2-3 months because of it.
The most useful tools I’ve used are:
1) Preparation-the more prepared I am, the more comfortable I am because I’ve already thought of that interaction/question and what I would say if it comes up.
2) Ask for help. Most people enjoy feeling like they actually can make a difference. I often will ask a coworker to show/explain something or I’ll ask a friend to stick with me at a party until I’m comfortable enough.
3. Do things you really enjoy, are passionate about, or that have immediate reward. Often wanting something really bad gives us the courage to do what scares us. It’s difficult to get me to do an interview for a job or take my shirt off and go swimming, but I’d always do an audition for playing music/acting or go on a date with a beautiful woman. Follow your hearts desires. They’re often enough to make you leap and try.
"The most useful tools I’ve used are:
1) Preparation
2) Ask for help.
3. Do things you really enjoy"
Nope - these are all safety mechanisms as reaction to trauma. It is still very much social anxiety.
Preparation - it simply means that you are afraid of making mistakes and so common trauma response is that we prepare ourselves, that we are perfectionist. This leads to hypervigilance, worry, anxiety and more fears from people - since you are not allowing yourself to test and see what happens when you are not prepared and when you do not know and when people are mad at you for being not prepared. This need to prepare and to know all and to be super is hamster wheel that keep us wanting to gain approval from other people in order not to harm us as they did in the past. When we prepare - we are not comfortable at all, there is PureOCD mechanism that keeps demands for preparation more and more, and instead of enjoying life and being spontaneous we spend a large sum of money , time and brain activity in contemplating how to avoid someone's anger, temper tantrum and criticism. This is social anxiety at its core- where we believe we are free, making free choices - but instead we are in the prison without knowing that we are in the prison.
Stop preparing.
IF someone does not like you because yo are not perfect . that person is mentally ill and toxic - and avoid such people.
Ask for help - again, you ask to be prepared, to gain approval, admiration and validation from other people. Ask for help because you need help. not because you want to avoid someone's anger.
Do things you enjoy - when we have toxic shame internalized inside us, we do not have Real Self. Instead there is False Self. This means - we have no idea what we enjoy. We know we enjoy not being screamed at, not being criticized, yelled at, we enjoy not being ashamed - all things that compose complex trauma which is behind social anxiety.
Instead of true self which would tell us what we enjoy we have a simulation of self, hologram of self that is explaining us what we enjoy trough the lens of other people - their approval, their conformism, their groupthink, their herd mentality.
Anti dote to toxic shame and trauma is cutting toxic people out- and learning about narcissistic abuse, how to recognize covert narcissist - aggressive borderliners who appear as friend to us but they attack and exploit us, it is about learning about mobbing and bullying and abuse and how to heal it.
We have nothing to fix nor prepare nor to overcompensate about ourselves.
We are not problem
Abuse and toxic people made us believe that we are the problem and that we must depend on other people , that we must prepare for them so that they can take advantage of us through parasiting our good and kind nature.
Instead of self pathology - cut toxic people and see how it feels when you do not spend your precious time, energy nor money on preparations or seeking approval from toxic people.
Thank you John and caller Brad! I need to make friends or at least one friend let’s start there 😂. I hope everyone has a good morning/day/night.
It’s interesting hearing someone go through what I do very few people I hear about or run into know that experience. What they call anxiety is nothing to what real social anxiety is. The not knowing what to say that sucks so bad then it just makes the anxiety worse then the cycle repeats over and over and it just seems like conversation is so easy for other people taking to me and it’s so hard from my view
"The not knowing what to say "
Stop self pathology. There is nothing wrong with you.
Social anxiety means we were abused, we were bullied into submission and toxic shame (deep core belief that we are inept, weird and unacceptable).
Once you understand that mobbing is behind social anxiety, that there is trauma - which means being conditioned into doubt what to say - you will realize that you are not the problem at all.
Problem are toxic people.
Problem are their nagging, complaining, their manipulation, mocking and their sick definition about what is allowed to say , when to say and how much to say.
Social anxiety is belief that we must change ourselves in order to crap fit into mentally ill society full of narcissists, conformism and groupthink herd mentality.
Start cutting toxic people out of your life and see if it gets better.
You are not your saying. You are not your mistakes, you are not your flaws.
Toxic shame that toxic people are spreading around is that they equate our mistakes and flaws and lack of knowledge with our basic character, with our self worth - and then we feel like crap. And this is what toxic people want - since this is the only way to control you and keep you silent and away from resources that they can claim for themselves.
If you stay out, if you do not express your opinion, if you do not claim what is yours and your rights - then they can have all. That is what toxic people do.
Stop blaming yourself and stop putting unreasonable expectations on yourself - there is nothing to fix about you. Other people are problem, not you.
How the heck is he supposed to not worry? Didn’t you hear him say he’s in a deep depression and doesn’t have a job? I’m in the same exact boat as him, I just recently sold off my business and have extreme anxiety and depression. I wish you would have touched on that a little bit..
Dr. John is our virtual friend that knows what a person is feeling or struggling in life. Thank you.❣
I love the way that he handled this call. John's personal struggles help him help others!
I have a Neuro condition since a teen shaking head made me so anxious I avoided people. Killed my life. Sucked. Try to beat when young. Shapes your entire life.
I struggled with severe social anxiety for years and wouldn't leave the house alone, wouldn't speak on the phone, or send emails. I would freeze up and sometimes black out if someone spoke to me. Meds & good doctors really helped, as well as realizing that I wasn't an accident: God created me, I am not broken, and I am allowed to exist. I was so much of a rule-follower that I was terrified of breaking some social rule. I came to realize that not only do those rules not exist, but I can make OWN rules, like...I can say whatever I want! I don't shake hands if I don't want to! Don't make eye contact if it's uncomfortable! Leave when I want to! Such a simple thing but it changed my life.
This 👏🏻
Thank you for this. I have a difficult time going into unknown situations. The smoke alarm analogy really helped
"The smoke alarm analogy really helped"
Smoke alarm analogy was incomplete.
Smoke alarm is good,,
smoke alarm is not pathology.
IF you remove smoke alarm, it is the same as lobotomy - you cut piece of yourself that is working and that is healthy.
Smoke alarm warns us about predators and toxic people out there. It is not wrong to know when you are being exploited and taken advantage of.
Smoke alarm is Darwin evolution - we learned about it in school our feelings of social anxiety are the very part of Darwinism, this magical and mysterious concept that we learned in the school that we thought is only connected to exotic plants and animals.
When we are bullied, when we experience mobbing and abuse - our smoke alarm will not be broken. Instead, as Darwin evolution - smoke alarm will upgrade itself.
Smoke alarm will start to detect more fake people out there, more psychopaths, more hidden agenda, more mentally ill aggressive people out there-
smoke alarm is litmus test for pathological people who are hidden behind good intentions, friendly attitude, smiles and advice or service that they offer without us asking them in the first place.
With smoke alarm we have ability to detect hidden predators.
Do not self pathologize yourself.
Trust your intuition and your self inside.
Do not listen to people with low IQ and psychopathy to explain you what is normal and accepted. Lean on your common sense instead.
On top of the advice... He needs to supplement with vitamin B cimplex rich foods ... Like nutritional yeast, liver etc. And cut out caffeine, it makes it worse plus cut the sugar, it may help somewhat
Such a fantastic video! Needed this so much!!!
Good advice Dr John. Thank you. This was useful. All the best to the caller.
My unsolicited advice:Learn your enneagram type and mbti type. Study other types too. Most people don't give a damn and are alot are not even capable of understanding you( due to cognitive functions / mbti) I am recovering from social anxiety, I still get it sometimes. Live according to your own rules. Be a little more selfish. Prioritize yourself/ health
I've suffered with social anxiety my whole life since early childhood now 62. I never formed any close relationships with anyone after leaving my childhood neighborhood friends. I never dated and had a love relationship with anyone. I had just a few blind dates I was set up on by a childhood friend when I was 22 and one by my sister along the same time. Of course I embarrassed myself on all of them being so quiet and inexperienced. I never dated anymore after that. I struggled through life but was able to support myself. I've now been retired for 5 years living in almost total isolation. I go for a month at a time without seeing or speaking to anyone. I've never been close to any family and both parents have passed. Most of the time I avoid having to face my social anxiety symptoms because I'm alone all the time now. It's to the point that it seems silly the lengths I go to avoid the embarrassment and panic attacks sometimes. For example I've probably only talked on a telephone twice in the past 20 years and they were times I couldn't figure out a way to avoid them, like getting lockout out of my bank account online or something. Another example of going to the extreme, my modem I'm using is too slow. I bought a new one 4 years ago and have yet activated it because the only way I can is to call tech support. There is things a can do and never feel any anxiety. I can go on a week long fishing trip alone to the beach and talk fishing to strangers all week. There is also things I cannot do and avoid like the plague. The phone for one, going through a drive thru to order food, doctor or dentist appointments, or sitting in crowds of people like a theater or concert. Then there is some like Jury Duty. I go into panic mode from the day I receive the summons in the mail with my heart racing and skipping beats and nonstop worrying and thinking about it until I either find I don't have to go down or I go and get it behind me a couple months later. I'm sure practicing the things that cause the anxiety would help but I've avoided them for so long now the only ones left are few and far between there is not a lot of chances to practice. I hate what I missed out on in life but even if my social anxiety was cured now I can't get that back. Most the time I'm fine now but I hate life and go through spells of deep depression and loneliness but I know it usually eases some also in a few days. I guess I will always wonder if my parents would have seen the problems I had when I wasn't at home after I started school and gotten me help when it all began if it would have made a difference in my life. I was in my late 20s before I finally settled into a career and move out of my parents house. I guess I could have tried to get help since I had my own insurance then but never did.
This was heartfelt ❤️ appreciate your post
How are u now my brother
I am 22 now and a fell the same
@@FaridSai-f1y Thanks for asking. No change. Do everything you can to break the cycle while you're young. No one needs to end up where I'm at in life. I don't like it but I'm coping with being alone. I've got a fishing trip planned for next month alone but I usually meet a lot of new people there. The coming holiday season gets a little hard but I've found if I binge watch Christmas movies it usually gets me through it. The rest the time I neither see or speak to anyone any longer.
@@marklanmeadows Hello, I'm a 30 year old man and I've been socially anxious and depressed, and I'm thinking agoraphobic my whole life. It was only at the very end of being 27 that I realised I might have social anxiety disorder. I also have the bouts of loneliness and depression you talked about. My mood fluctuated so badly that you'd think I'm a different person sometimes. Of course, I couldn't tell the difference, but eventually I realised it. It was only at the beginning of this year that I decided I would try medication for depression even though I have always been against it. Well, it kind of worked for me. I won't say I'm a happy guy with a wonderful mood, but my mood is more stable on most days of the week and most of the day as well as it's not low and miserable. I don't feel the loneliness, worthlessness, hopelessness as often. I don't know how to describe it very well, but it's like when you have that one normal day every now and then where you know your life isn't the way you really want it, but it's completely weghing you down. I can enjoy the moment sometimes. And comparing that to want to die and end everything, it's pretty darn good. Not happiness, but not misery either. Just somewhat normal. It's good enough for me. I am still very anxious evident by how much I avoid things like going out unless I have to or thinking other people dislike me or I think aggressively towards them like they're my enemies that I have to avoid, but the anxiety is more tolerable without being so utterly depressed and down all the time. I write this to tell you that you might want to try medication. It's expensive and makes you feel like there's something is fundamentally wrong with you, but it would actually work. I was prescribed something called Brintellix and it worked for me well enough for the depression. I just hope it keeps working for me. If you feel depressed, give that a try just to be sure. Nothing much to lose, really. And with social anxiety, CBT stuff does work to a certain degree. I tried it twice and it did work, but I got so depressed again and stopped. I read from your comment that you avoided certain things a lot and you frame it as sometimes in an embarrassingly far reaching ways. As soon as I read avoidance, I also recognised it as anxiety. Exposure therapy does work in that it gives you the chance to know that you can have control should you want to do something. Avoiding things makes it harder I sincerely understand that. It's just it could be worth it to expose yourself to things you avoid very gently and in very small steps. Medication and CBT, please try them out if you haven't. I suggest looking up a social anxiety CBT specialist names Larry Cohen who resides in Washington DC because his work is very easy to digest. Look up Overcoming social anxiety by Larry Cohen here on TH-cam and you'll find an hour long video that could really help. Your age shouldn't be the reason to not consider such things. Take good care.
Seriously people do not begin to understand the magnitude of hope this guy brings to the table. I fantasize about getting back to a point where I can easily be myself, and feeling happy and know I am connecting to others because I feel like I am connected to others. The fact that Dr. John was able to get "on the other side" of anxiety is such a relief for me to hear, as well as the other millions of people who have done so. It really really gives me hope and faith that I can also achieve the same thing. I am aware it will not be easy, and it will not be overnight. I just do want to have the right structure for me or someone guiding me that have faced the same struggles. if you are going through this very uncomfortableness just know you are not alone
I’ve had it for pretty much my whole life and practice is so much harder than it sounds. Having it for so long makes my social skills really bad so trying to just enjoy time with people and conversation with new people is hard because I never know what to say then I get even more nervous then it gets harder and the cycle repeats so nothing ever gets better. And his note does what you think will happen ever happen the answer is yes for sure, for example I thought joining a flag football team in college would be good for my anxiety and I was wrong I just embarrassed my self a few times they just put me on the sidelines the interactions would be just exhausting so I just gave up it was as bad as I thought it would be and attempts to date end up the same way
The “curiosity” about your own anxiety really resonated with me. Earlier today, I found myself in a doom spiral online looking up climate change predictions. I really let it get ahold of me, but then I had a moment where I asked myself “Wait, what triggered me to start looking all this stuff up?” And just taking a moment to be curious and analyze how I reached a thought process helped me feel better.
What's the reason you were looking up climate change stuff?
@@yingyang7448 In general, it’s a huge issue for the planet, so it’s been heavy on my mind for at least the past year or so. However, worrying about it without action is not helpful. In fact, it can be really unhealthy for me.
Today, it’s actually hard to say what started the negative train of thought. I think it was because I was listening to a podcast about trying to keep a sense of control in your life in an unpredictable world. It’s a stretch, but somehow that got my mind on the unpredictability of the future of our world.
Check out Michael Shellenberger or Bjorn Lomborg for some balance on the climate issue.
I never heard John talk about hypnosis. My anxiety went down significantly by having a few sessions with an hypnosis practitioner. It works really fast
Maybe because John is a Christian and hypnosis is not biblical.
@@louiseleite3866 I’ve never heard him say anything at all about being a Christian or any proof that he’s a Christ follower. He said he was a man of faith, but I think that means something completely different for him.
@@Wealth_Wisdom_Discernment a
An article from Belmont University says Dr Delony is very passionate about his Christian faith.
@@louiseleite3866 I’ve heard him make fun of his producer for reading the Bible in the morning
Why can’t someone be a Christian and also suggest hypnosis? Doesn’t seem like an issue to me
If he is like me he gets it he says ok yea I’ll practice but it’s not that easy, he sounds about as bad as me and just practicing never seems to work or make a difference I still don’t know what to say when I try to practice. I have thrown myself out there but then I have no idea what to say making the anxiety worse then it’s a cycle that repeats.
No more
This advice about being curious with your body sounds a lot like the book The Happiness Trap and the A.C.T. method.
George Eads is your doppelganger. But you knew that, right???
No one can talk you out of Social Anxiety its a disease with no cure. Strength to all who are suffering as for me its affecting my job and my ability to be great and excel im about to quit and go into livestock
It's a life sentence
There are medications you can take for both depression and social anxiety. Super helpful
And pharma mafia likes it too.
What are they SSRIs?
Social anxiety is part of Complex Trauma.
Being on stage naked is not social anxiety, that is Performance anxiety, totally different condition of anxiety.
Avoidance is safety mechanism. When removed - we become pushover and people pleaser to survive, fawning.
Social anxiety is being bullied, it is being in mobbing situation: where you cannot leave and you are yelled at, you are pushed, someone is abusing you, verbally and violent towards you. Social anxiety is normal reaction to abnormal people, abnormal situations and abnormal events.
IF we decide to self pathologize our safety mechanisms (avoidance) we will develop toxic shame and additional neurosis already present inside due to abuse.
Problem is not avoidance. Problem are toxic people. IF we decide to self blame and self hate ourselves and decide that there is something broken inside us (alarm system malfunctioning) - we will develop more anxiety. Our brain is developed to be alarm system. For some people this alarm is very sensitive - either due to HSP or abuse. Alarm is not problem at all. Problem are and always been: toxic people. If we decide to believe that we are deficient, that we must practice, that we must stop this or that - we will develop more anxiety. Our brain will develop new ways to protect itself.
Instead of self pathologizing approach of blaming ourselves for abuse and trauma, and ignoring our fears as insignificant and something to remove and reject: we are repeating the trauma. This process of negating our feelings is called invalidation. Invalidation creates trauma and fears and anxiety.
The point is that in life we have self worth: that we have plans for our life, that we do not depend on other people's approval and validation and that we trust ourselves. So if we decide that we have faulty alarm and that we must face some unknown fears and to engage in social contact with everyone - we will end up with toxic and abusive people. This means more anxiety, more neurosis, more fears.
Instead of negating social avoidance - I would approve it and remove even more toxic people out. If we have fears, due to trauma and abuse - we will attract abusive people, they are attracted to fearful people like moth to a flame. So advice to talk to all people and engage in all contact with everyone will only break our boundaries and we will become pushover and people pleaser - since we will negate our instinct that some people are abusive and dangerous and that we can block and mute them out.
Worry is sign that we are intelligent. I would not self pathologize this incredible ability that animals do not have. We will stop to worry naturally once we remove toxic people out of our life. With abuse we develop codependency and external referencing locus of control and we believe other people are competent because they apparently are not afraid nor they talk about social fears. In reality, they are either dumb or they are liars. All people have certain levels of social anxiety - it is only that with IQ we can detect it, or certain bullies and manipulators abuse fears and ashaming as a way to control others.
CBT lumps social fears into hallucination. That is why I think CBT is bad therapy and it ought to be banned.
in reality there are different social fears, not related to each other, with more known factor behind it:
1) Shyness - it is feeling social threat feelings at some social event, but social fear wear off quickly and shy person is not bothered by it again
2) Social anxiety - it is feeling of social threat before the event, during event and after event. Fears do not wear off and you keep ruminating about it. This is due to trauma, condition called CPTSD and it is not hallucination neither delusion nor illusion.
3) Social anxiety disorder - it is feeling of social threat at safe events, when you know that person around you will not harm you. For example in safe, empty room, and you are with Oprah or Mandela or Mother Theresa or Gandhi - the safest person you can ever imagine - but you still feel threat that they might harm you. This condition is part of Paranoid Delusional Disorder, and only 1% of population has it.
4) Narcissistic disorder - it is feeling of social threat triggered when someone warns and alarms you for being intrusive. Due to confirmation bias you are not realizing that you are rude and arrogant and intrusive - so you conclude that you feel social anxiety due to unknown reason from random people.
5) Autistic disorder - you live in your world and you are not aware that you appear threatening to people, for example you do not say Hi to them or smile back to them. So you feel social anxiety because you feel tense and awkward in social situations and you have no idea why.
6) Performance anxiety - when you feel social fears when performing in public
CBT lumps all these as hallucination (something that we imagine) in order to make it easier for therapy. However oversimplifications leads to distortions.
So CBT is using cognitive distortion - over-generalization paradoxically to explain social anxiety as cognitive distortion.
There is Jane Elliott's Blue Eyes, Brown Eyes experiment, exercise - that showed that social settings can influence the targets.
There is Narcissistic abuse: Long-Term Narcissistic Abuse Can Cause Brain Damage.
There is Stanford prison experiment where it is shown that targets of abuse in toxic ambient where they cannot escape from will develop extreme social anxiety.
There is Skinner's box and Little Albert experiment which shows that people can be conditioned and initiated into social anxiety.
Quotes to consider:
"Since most non-HSPs do not seem to enjoy thinking about solutions, they assume we must be unhappy doing all that pondering.
Preferring toughness, the culture sees our trait as something difficult to live with, something to be cured."
The Highly Sensitive Person,
Elaine N. Aron
"Improving our relationships is improving our mental health."
William Glasser
They see us as timid, shy, weak, or unsociable. Fearing these labels, we try to be like others. But that leads to our becoming overaroused and distressed. Then that gets us labeled neurotic or crazy, first by others then by ourselves.
The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron
may be a mistake maker,
but I'm also a mistake breaker.
Maxwell Maltz
Control is a dangerous thing. And errors, errors are what is the real expression of the individual. Because if Picasso puts an eye where it shouldn't be, one sees it more clearly that if placed where it should be.
Jean Cocteau
"Sooner or later everyone encounters stressful life experiences, but HSPs react more to such stimulation. If you see this reaction as part of some basic flaw, you intensify the stress already present in any life crisis.
This deeper processing of subtle details causes you to consider the past or future more. You "just know" how things got to be the way they are or how they are going to turn out. It can be wrong, but your intuition is right often enough that HSPs tend to be visionaries, more conscientious, cautious and wise people.
It is important not to confuse arousal with fear.
And often we think that our arousal is due to fear. We do not realize that our heart may be pounding from the sheer effort of processing extra stimulation.
I really suggest trying to view it as neutral.
HSPs must spend far more time trying to invent solutions to human problems just because they are more sensitive to hunger, cold, insecurity, exhaustion, and illness.
Since most non-HSPs do not seem to enjoy thinking about such things, they assume we must be unhappy doing all that pondering.
Spend enough time putting yourself out there in the world - your sensitivity is not something to be feared.
Carl Jung believed that when highly sensitive patients has experienced a trauma, they had been unusually affected and so developed a neurosis.
Preferring toughness, the culture sees our trait as something difficult to live with, something to be cured. HSPs differ mainly in their sensitive processing of subtle stimuli. This is your most basic quality."
The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron
Interpersonal strife with those close to us leads to rifts and resentments that produce symptoms of mental illness; these problems are, in fact, the logical consequence of troubled relationships.
Glasser emphasizes that lasting psychological problems are usually caused by problems in our personal relationships (rather than signifying a biochemical abnormality in the brain), and distress can be remedied through repairing these relationships without recourse to psych drugs.
WILLIAM GLASSER
Controlling Habits:
Blaming
Criticizing
Complaining
Nagging
Rewarding To Control
Threatening
Punishing
William Glasser
William Glasser "What's my Choice" Connecting Habits:
Listening
Supporting
Encouraging
Negotiating
Respecting
Accepting
Trusting
Abuse is NOT caused by bad relationship dynamics. You can't manage your partner's abusiveness by changing your behaviour. But he wants you to think you can.
Lundy Bancroft
Any attempt to dictate what thoughts, feelings, and sensations are proper or improper creates a breeding ground for guilt and shame.
Peter A. Levine
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A L C O H O L
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EMDR Therapy. Fixes everything. Fast and fully. I did self administered EMDR on TH-cam and I was a skeptic and yet it worked so well. It's amazing.